1.
A couple was walking down their street in Christmas Eve, enjoying the lights, when suddenly…
…they feel a little precipitation.
The man says, “I think it’s raining, we should go back home.”
The woman says, “No, I think it’s snowing.”
The couple argues about this for a few minutes.
The woman looks around and sees a communist officer wandering around that street. “Let’s ask that communist officer.”
So the couple walks over. “Officer Rudolph, sir, is it raining or snowing?”
“Definitely raining,” says Officer Rudolph.
The man turned to his wife, grinning, and says, “See, Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear
A German officer watches over his outpost
One day, a park ranger stopped by my house
A couple was walking down their street in Christmas Eve, enjoying the lights, when suddenly…
…they feel a little precipitation.
The man says, “I think it’s raining, we should go back home.”
The woman says, “No, I think it’s snowing.”
The couple argues about this for a few minutes.
The woman looks around and sees a communist officer wandering around that street. “Let’s ask that communist officer.”
So the couple walks over. “Officer Rudolph, sir, is it raining or snowing?”
“Definitely raining,” says Officer Rudolph.
The man turned to his wife, grinning, and says, “See, Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear
A German officer watches over his outpost
One day, a park ranger stopped by my house
2.
Three mischievous old grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home when an old man walked by.
One of the old ladies called out, saying, “We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.”
The old man responded, “There is no way you can.”
One of the women said, “Sure we can! Just drop your pants and we can tell your exact age.”
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped.
They asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.
Then they all piped up and said, “You’re 87 years old!”
Standing with his pants around his ankles, the old gent asked, “How in the world did you guess?”
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three ladies happily yelled in unison…
“We were at your birthday party yesterday!”
A man brings his best buddy home
Two elderly women were out driving
Three mischievous old grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home when an old man walked by.
One of the old ladies called out, saying, “We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.”
The old man responded, “There is no way you can.”
One of the women said, “Sure we can! Just drop your pants and we can tell your exact age.”
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped.
They asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.
Then they all piped up and said, “You’re 87 years old!”
Standing with his pants around his ankles, the old gent asked, “How in the world did you guess?”
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three ladies happily yelled in unison…
“We were at your birthday party yesterday!”
A man brings his best buddy home
Two elderly women were out driving
3.
A girl goes into her father’s study, “Daddy, why am I named rose?”
“Because the day you were born a rose petal blew through the window and landed on your cheek.”
Satisfied the girl walks out as her sister walks in. “Daddy, why am I named Lily?”
“Because the day you were born a lily petal blew through the window and landed on your cheek.”
Satisfied the girl walks out as her sister walks in. “Daddy, why am I named Daisy?”
“Because the day you were–“
“HUAAAARWAWAWAAAAAA”
“SHUT UP CINDERBLOCK I’M TALKING TO YOUR SISTER.”
A elderly couple are walking down a country road
3 nuns go to mother superior and say
A girl goes into her father’s study, “Daddy, why am I named rose?”
“Because the day you were born a rose petal blew through the window and landed on your cheek.”
Satisfied the girl walks out as her sister walks in. “Daddy, why am I named Lily?”
“Because the day you were born a lily petal blew through the window and landed on your cheek.”
Satisfied the girl walks out as her sister walks in. “Daddy, why am I named Daisy?”
“Because the day you were–“
“HUAAAARWAWAWAAAAAA”
“SHUT UP CINDERBLOCK I’M TALKING TO YOUR SISTER.”
A elderly couple are walking down a country road
3 nuns go to mother superior and say
4.
A man walks into a bar, orders a drink, gulps it down, looks in his pocket then orders another one.
He gulps that one down, looks in his pocket again, then orders another one.
He does this about 7 or 8 more times when the bartender finally asks, “Every time you finish a drink you look in your pocket. What’s in your pocket?”
The man replies, “Oh… I have a picture of my wife in there. I drink until she looks good, then I go home.”
A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress
A man observed a woman in the grocery store
A man walks into a bar, orders a drink, gulps it down, looks in his pocket then orders another one.
He gulps that one down, looks in his pocket again, then orders another one.
He does this about 7 or 8 more times when the bartender finally asks, “Every time you finish a drink you look in your pocket. What’s in your pocket?”
The man replies, “Oh… I have a picture of my wife in there. I drink until she looks good, then I go home.”
A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress
A man observed a woman in the grocery store
5.
A man whose wife was pregnant couldn’t bear to be in the delivery room at the time of the birth.
So he thought he’d ring up later to see if it had come yet.
He rang up and the nurse said “it’s a girl but theres another one on the way”
he rang again later and the nurse said “it’s another girl but they’re still coming!”
He rang once more and the nurse said “this one’s a boy but there’s still another coming!”
By this time he couldn’t stand it any more, his nerves were shot and he could barely dial the numbers,
so he went to the pub and got blisteringly drunk.
An hour later he was 3 sheets to the wind and more anxious than ever, but decided to finally call.
As he was dialling the hospital, hands shaking, he accidentally dialled the cricket results line.
They picked up and he asked nervously “…how many did we get mate?”
The person promptly replies “198 all out…. and the last one was a duck
A guy visits a carnival
Three ducks went to court
A man whose wife was pregnant couldn’t bear to be in the delivery room at the time of the birth.
So he thought he’d ring up later to see if it had come yet.
He rang up and the nurse said “it’s a girl but theres another one on the way”
he rang again later and the nurse said “it’s another girl but they’re still coming!”
He rang once more and the nurse said “this one’s a boy but there’s still another coming!”
By this time he couldn’t stand it any more, his nerves were shot and he could barely dial the numbers,
so he went to the pub and got blisteringly drunk.
An hour later he was 3 sheets to the wind and more anxious than ever, but decided to finally call.
As he was dialling the hospital, hands shaking, he accidentally dialled the cricket results line.
They picked up and he asked nervously “…how many did we get mate?”
The person promptly replies “198 all out…. and the last one was a duck
A guy visits a carnival
Three ducks went to court
6.
One day a little boy gets on a bus and sits behind the bus driver.
He starts saying things like: If my mom was a hen and my dad was a rooster, I would be a little rooster.
The bus driver said shut up!
Still the boy went on, if my mom was a female elephant and my dad was a male elephant, I would be a little male elephant.
The bus driver said shut up!
Still the boy went on if my mom was a female dog and my dad was a male dog, I would be a little male dog.
The bus driver got so mad, and asked “If your mom was a call girl, and your dad was a faggot, what would you be?
The boy answered: “A bus driver.”
There was an old lady who was very small
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle
One day a little boy gets on a bus and sits behind the bus driver.
He starts saying things like: If my mom was a hen and my dad was a rooster, I would be a little rooster.
The bus driver said shut up!
Still the boy went on, if my mom was a female elephant and my dad was a male elephant, I would be a little male elephant.
The bus driver said shut up!
Still the boy went on if my mom was a female dog and my dad was a male dog, I would be a little male dog.
The bus driver got so mad, and asked “If your mom was a call girl, and your dad was a faggot, what would you be?
The boy answered: “A bus driver.”
There was an old lady who was very small
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle
7.
It was a bright Sunday morning and Mr. Smith is reading his morning paper at the front porch when his only child came up to him.
“Dad, I’m pregnant,” confessed the child.
Mr. Smith just looked up, shook his head, and continued reading.
“That’s it? Aren’t you going to say something? Are you mad? Are you happy? Won’t you even congratulate me?” cried the child.
Mr. Smith calmly looked at the child and said, “What is wrong with you, Robert?”
He tells his doctor of his concern
Johnny was curious about her mother
It was a bright Sunday morning and Mr. Smith is reading his morning paper at the front porch when his only child came up to him.
“Dad, I’m pregnant,” confessed the child.
Mr. Smith just looked up, shook his head, and continued reading.
“That’s it? Aren’t you going to say something? Are you mad? Are you happy? Won’t you even congratulate me?” cried the child.
Mr. Smith calmly looked at the child and said, “What is wrong with you, Robert?”
He tells his doctor of his concern
Johnny was curious about her mother
8.
One night, a wife found her husband standing over their baby’s crib. Silently she watched him.
As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, even skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.
“A penny for your thoughts,” she said.
“It’s amazing!” he replied.
“I just can’t see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $67.50.”
The husband picked up the phone
A man and his wife are dining at a table
One night, a wife found her husband standing over their baby’s crib. Silently she watched him.
As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, even skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.
“A penny for your thoughts,” she said.
“It’s amazing!” he replied.
“I just can’t see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $67.50.”
The husband picked up the phone
A man and his wife are dining at a table
9.
One day a beggar knocked at the door of a house, and when a woman opened the door, asked her for alms.
“I’ve nothing to give you,” said the woman.
“Please go!”
The woman, who was newly married, lived with her mother-in-law when her mother-in-law heard her refusing alms to the beggar she was furious.
“Who are you to refuse alms to this man!” she demanded.
“I’m the mistress of the house!!”
Thus chastened, the daughter-in-law fled to her room.
“Thank you, kind lady,” said the beggar, ingratiatingly.
“All I asked for was a coin to buy food, I did not know she was not the mistress of the house.”
“She’s not!” snapped the woman.
“She had no right to refuse you alms I’m in charge here, and let me tell you something: you’re not getting a money from me!!”
And with that, she slammed the door in the beggar’s face.
Akbar & Birbal
A young lady was waiting for her flight
One day a beggar knocked at the door of a house, and when a woman opened the door, asked her for alms.
“I’ve nothing to give you,” said the woman.
“Please go!”
The woman, who was newly married, lived with her mother-in-law when her mother-in-law heard her refusing alms to the beggar she was furious.
“Who are you to refuse alms to this man!” she demanded.
“I’m the mistress of the house!!”
Thus chastened, the daughter-in-law fled to her room.
“Thank you, kind lady,” said the beggar, ingratiatingly.
“All I asked for was a coin to buy food, I did not know she was not the mistress of the house.”
“She’s not!” snapped the woman.
“She had no right to refuse you alms I’m in charge here, and let me tell you something: you’re not getting a money from me!!”
And with that, she slammed the door in the beggar’s face.
Akbar & Birbal
A young lady was waiting for her flight
10.
A grandmother was surprised when she woke up to a cup of coffee from her 8-year-old grandson Johnny.
She gulped down the most bitter coffee she has ever tasted but she downs it all because she wants her grandson to feel like he made something his grandma loved.
At the bottom of the cup, she found three little green army men.
Puzzled, she asked, “Honey, what are these toys doing in my coffee?”
The boy replied “I’m just doing what it says on the TV, grandma
“The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.”
A man enters a barber shop
A man was sitting on the edge
A grandmother was surprised when she woke up to a cup of coffee from her 8-year-old grandson Johnny.
She gulped down the most bitter coffee she has ever tasted but she downs it all because she wants her grandson to feel like he made something his grandma loved.
At the bottom of the cup, she found three little green army men.
Puzzled, she asked, “Honey, what are these toys doing in my coffee?”
The boy replied “I’m just doing what it says on the TV, grandma
“The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.”
A man enters a barber shop
A man was sitting on the edge
11.
One day, there were two boys playing by a stream.
One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it.
The other boy couldn’t figure out why his friend was at the bush for so long.
The other boy went over to the bush and looked.
The two boys were looking at a woman bathing undressed in the stream.
All of a sudden, the second boy took off running.
The first boy couldn’t understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend.
Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away.
The boy said to his friend, “My mom told me if I ever saw a undressed lady, I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard.
Frank went to the gym
I was waiting on the sofa
One day, there were two boys playing by a stream.
One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it.
The other boy couldn’t figure out why his friend was at the bush for so long.
The other boy went over to the bush and looked.
The two boys were looking at a woman bathing undressed in the stream.
All of a sudden, the second boy took off running.
The first boy couldn’t understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend.
Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away.
The boy said to his friend, “My mom told me if I ever saw a undressed lady, I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard.
Frank went to the gym
I was waiting on the sofa
12.
A Texan goes to Toronto for a vacation.
There he grabs a cab at the airport and says he’s on his way to The Royal York Hotel.
The Cabby heads downtown on his way he passes Queens Park.
“What’s that?” says the Texan.
“Oh! That’s Queens Park,” says the Cabby, “Its our Provincial Government, its like your State Government those buildings are almost 200 years old and they are quite big.”
“Oh! We have buildings much older than that and at least twice as large,” says the Texan.
They continue along and past First Canadian Place.
“Holy cow,” says the Texan, “What’s that?”
“Why that’s First Canadian Place, it’s the biggest office complex in the country,” says the Cabby, “it took almost 4 years to build.”
“Really,” says the Texan, “Why in Houston they have buildings twice that big, and built in less than 1/2 the time.”
They continue on the way, the cabby a little miffed at the bragging, when they drive past the CN Tower.
Now the Texan has his head out the window looking up at the 1850′ tower and rotating restaurant at 1300.
“Holy Crap!” says the Texan.
“What in gods name is that? How long did it take to build that!”
The Cabby nonchalantly glances out the window and says,
“Heck if I know, it wasn’t there yesterday!”
A fisherman is walking carrying lobsters
Two old Jewish men Sid and Abe
A Texan goes to Toronto for a vacation.
There he grabs a cab at the airport and says he’s on his way to The Royal York Hotel.
The Cabby heads downtown on his way he passes Queens Park.
“What’s that?” says the Texan.
“Oh! That’s Queens Park,” says the Cabby, “Its our Provincial Government, its like your State Government those buildings are almost 200 years old and they are quite big.”
“Oh! We have buildings much older than that and at least twice as large,” says the Texan.
They continue along and past First Canadian Place.
“Holy cow,” says the Texan, “What’s that?”
“Why that’s First Canadian Place, it’s the biggest office complex in the country,” says the Cabby, “it took almost 4 years to build.”
“Really,” says the Texan, “Why in Houston they have buildings twice that big, and built in less than 1/2 the time.”
They continue on the way, the cabby a little miffed at the bragging, when they drive past the CN Tower.
Now the Texan has his head out the window looking up at the 1850′ tower and rotating restaurant at 1300.
“Holy Crap!” says the Texan.
“What in gods name is that? How long did it take to build that!”
The Cabby nonchalantly glances out the window and says,
“Heck if I know, it wasn’t there yesterday!”
A fisherman is walking carrying lobsters
Two old Jewish men Sid and Abe
13.
On the first day of first grade, Mrs. Smith asked her students to name their favorite letter.
One young girl in front raised her hand and said: “My favorite letter is ‘F,’ because the word ‘flowers’ begins with ‘F’.”
“Very good, Marissa!” Mrs. Smith chirped. “Who else?”
A young boy raised his hand and said: “I like the letter “X” because not a lot of words have an ‘X’ in them.”
“That’s also a good one, Kyle.”
Mrs. Smith scanned the room.
“Anyone else want to share?”
A small boy in the back raised his hand about wildly and said:
“My favorite letter is definitely ‘G!’”
Mrs. Smith looked at the boy and asked: “Why is that, Angus?”
Frank came into work late
A cab passenger taps the driver
On the first day of first grade, Mrs. Smith asked her students to name their favorite letter.
One young girl in front raised her hand and said: “My favorite letter is ‘F,’ because the word ‘flowers’ begins with ‘F’.”
“Very good, Marissa!” Mrs. Smith chirped. “Who else?”
A young boy raised his hand and said: “I like the letter “X” because not a lot of words have an ‘X’ in them.”
“That’s also a good one, Kyle.”
Mrs. Smith scanned the room.
“Anyone else want to share?”
A small boy in the back raised his hand about wildly and said:
“My favorite letter is definitely ‘G!’”
Mrs. Smith looked at the boy and asked: “Why is that, Angus?”
Frank came into work late
A cab passenger taps the driver
14.
At St. Peter’s Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband’s marriage seminars.
At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, “Well a, I’v a tried to treat her nice a, spend a money on her, but best a of all is, I took a her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!”
The priest responded, “Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?”
Giuseppe proudly replied, “I gonna go pick her up.”
The little boy had been looking
A confused father goes to buy a Barbie Doll
At St. Peter’s Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband’s marriage seminars.
At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, “Well a, I’v a tried to treat her nice a, spend a money on her, but best a of all is, I took a her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!”
The priest responded, “Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?”
Giuseppe proudly replied, “I gonna go pick her up.”
The little boy had been looking
A confused father goes to buy a Barbie Doll
15.
A little old couple in their eighties was sitting on the couch watching the movie channel.
He looked at her and asked, “Do you think we can still do that?”
“Well, we can sure try!” she answered.
So they shuffled off to the bedroom.
He went into the bathroom to get ready and she took off all her clothes in the bedroom.
When he came out of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom floor.
“What are you doing, sweetheart?” he asked.
“Well,” she replied, “I thought if you couldn’t get it up, maybe you could just drop it in!”
A family are driving in their car
The man calls the manager and says
A little old couple in their eighties was sitting on the couch watching the movie channel.
He looked at her and asked, “Do you think we can still do that?”
“Well, we can sure try!” she answered.
So they shuffled off to the bedroom.
He went into the bathroom to get ready and she took off all her clothes in the bedroom.
When he came out of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom floor.
“What are you doing, sweetheart?” he asked.
“Well,” she replied, “I thought if you couldn’t get it up, maybe you could just drop it in!”
A family are driving in their car
The man calls the manager and says
16.
An Engineer and his wife were always fighting with each other.
When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The woman would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up, out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life.”
Neighbors feared her and the woman liked the fact that she was feared.
To everyone’s relief, she died of a heart attack when she was 58.
Her husband had a closed casket at the wake.
After the burial, Engineer went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.
His neighbors, concerned for his safety, asked, “Aren’t you afraid that she may indeed be able to dig her way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life??”
The Engineer put down his drink and said, “Let her dig. I had her buried upside down.” These Engineers… I tell you… They think of everything.
A very sick woman on her bed
Two deaf men were talking
An Engineer and his wife were always fighting with each other.
When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The woman would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up, out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life.”
Neighbors feared her and the woman liked the fact that she was feared.
To everyone’s relief, she died of a heart attack when she was 58.
Her husband had a closed casket at the wake.
After the burial, Engineer went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.
His neighbors, concerned for his safety, asked, “Aren’t you afraid that she may indeed be able to dig her way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life??”
The Engineer put down his drink and said, “Let her dig. I had her buried upside down.” These Engineers… I tell you… They think of everything.
A very sick woman on her bed
Two deaf men were talking
17.
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.
The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem:
The captain’s parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician does in every trick.
Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:
Look, it’s not the same hat.
Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table! Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?
The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything, it was the captain’s parrot after all.
One day the ship had an accident and sunk.
The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day, and another, and another.
After a week the parrot finally said:
OK. I give up. What’d you do with the boat?
Three women are talking about
There was an old lady who was very small
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.
The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem:
The captain’s parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician does in every trick.
Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:
Look, it’s not the same hat.
Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table! Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?
The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything, it was the captain’s parrot after all.
One day the ship had an accident and sunk.
The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day, and another, and another.
After a week the parrot finally said:
OK. I give up. What’d you do with the boat?
Three women are talking about
There was an old lady who was very small
18.
An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he’s lost.
Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old Doberman thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in it now!”
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?”
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
“Whew!,” says the panther, “That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!”
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther.
So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!”
Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?,” but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says …….
“Where’s that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!”
Moral of this story Don’t mess with the old dogs Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! and brilliance only come with age and experience.
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts
There was a man sitting at a bar
An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he’s lost.
Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old Doberman thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in it now!”
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?”
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
“Whew!,” says the panther, “That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!”
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther.
So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!”
Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?,” but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says …….
“Where’s that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!”
Moral of this story Don’t mess with the old dogs Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! and brilliance only come with age and experience.
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts
There was a man sitting at a bar
19.
My son’s teacher has been giving him poor marks for grammar.
At a parent-teacher conference, she was really lording it over me.
“You know, I consulted on the latest version of the Chicago Manual of Style.”
“Oh, wow, that’s—”
“And I have a Master’s from Cornell.”
“Yes, I saw the degree when I walked in, but my son really needs—”
“You don’t even have a degree! You think you know what your son needs?
You probably don’t even know parts of speech.
Tell me, OP, how do you feel about ‘pronouns’?”
“Well, I think they is great
On the outskirts of a small town
A man walks into a rooftop bar
My son’s teacher has been giving him poor marks for grammar.
At a parent-teacher conference, she was really lording it over me.
“You know, I consulted on the latest version of the Chicago Manual of Style.”
“Oh, wow, that’s—”
“And I have a Master’s from Cornell.”
“Yes, I saw the degree when I walked in, but my son really needs—”
“You don’t even have a degree! You think you know what your son needs?
You probably don’t even know parts of speech.
Tell me, OP, how do you feel about ‘pronouns’?”
“Well, I think they is great
On the outskirts of a small town
A man walks into a rooftop bar
20.
A blond man entered the emergency room with his two ears burned.
“What happened?” asked the doctor.
“Well”, the man explained, “my wife was press clothing, behind my chair while I was watching TV.
She put down the iron next to the phone and when the phone rang I answered the iron.”
“Wow that is terrible” responded the doctor, and what happened to your other ear?”
“Well” the blond guy responded “Right afterwards, the phone rang again!”
Mark was passing by the bar
A lady came in for a routine physical
A blond man entered the emergency room with his two ears burned.
“What happened?” asked the doctor.
“Well”, the man explained, “my wife was press clothing, behind my chair while I was watching TV.
She put down the iron next to the phone and when the phone rang I answered the iron.”
“Wow that is terrible” responded the doctor, and what happened to your other ear?”
“Well” the blond guy responded “Right afterwards, the phone rang again!”
Mark was passing by the bar
A lady came in for a routine physical
21.
An blonde girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
“How many children?” asks the council worker.
“10” replies the blonde girl.
“10???” says the council worker.. “What are their names?”
“Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne”
“Doesn’t that get confusing?”
“Naah…” says the blonde girl “its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER’S READY or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it…”
“What if you want to speak to one individually?” says the perturbed council worker.
“That’s easy,” says the girl… “I just use their surnames”
A elderly woman went into the doctor
The doctor came out and said
An blonde girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
“How many children?” asks the council worker.
“10” replies the blonde girl.
“10???” says the council worker.. “What are their names?”
“Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne”
“Doesn’t that get confusing?”
“Naah…” says the blonde girl “its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER’S READY or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it…”
“What if you want to speak to one individually?” says the perturbed council worker.
“That’s easy,” says the girl… “I just use their surnames”
A elderly woman went into the doctor
The doctor came out and said
22.
3 Archers are competing at a contest to find out which one of them is the best archer.
Thunderous applause. thousands of people watching.
The first one climbs onto the podium and brings his wife with him.
He puts an apple on her head, distances himself of her for 30 feet, aims, aaaaaaims and perfectly hits the apple.
“I am Wilhelm Tell!” He shouts.
The applause even gets louder.
The second challenger approaches the podium.
He also brings his wife, puts a cherry on her head, goes away for 50 feet, aims, aaaaaaims, and also hits the target perfectly.
The crowd is amazed.
“I am Robin Hood!”
The last challenger enters.
He puts a watermelon on his wife’s head.
Takes 3 steps back, aims, aaaaaaims, and shoots his wife straight into the face.
The whole crowd turns silent. “I am sorry!”
A scientist is asked by the government
Three men are outside Heaven’s gates
3 Archers are competing at a contest to find out which one of them is the best archer.
Thunderous applause. thousands of people watching.
The first one climbs onto the podium and brings his wife with him.
He puts an apple on her head, distances himself of her for 30 feet, aims, aaaaaaims and perfectly hits the apple.
“I am Wilhelm Tell!” He shouts.
The applause even gets louder.
The second challenger approaches the podium.
He also brings his wife, puts a cherry on her head, goes away for 50 feet, aims, aaaaaaims, and also hits the target perfectly.
The crowd is amazed.
“I am Robin Hood!”
The last challenger enters.
He puts a watermelon on his wife’s head.
Takes 3 steps back, aims, aaaaaaims, and shoots his wife straight into the face.
The whole crowd turns silent. “I am sorry!”
A scientist is asked by the government
Three men are outside Heaven’s gates
23.
A drunk staggers into a diner and orders a couple of eggs.
The waiter, suspecting that they’ve run out, goes back to question the chef.
“Hey, Gus, do we have any more eggs?”
Gus replies, “I ran out of fresh eggs, I only have two rotten eggs left.”
The waiter says, “Give him the rotten eggs. He’s so bombed he won’t know the difference.”
Gus scrambles up the rotten eggs and heaps on hash browns, sausage and toast.
The drunk is so hungry he wolfs down the breakfast without comment.
He goes to pay the cashier and asks, “Where’d you get those eggs?”
She replies, “We have our own chicken farm.”
The drunk asks, “Do you have a rooster?
“No,” she says.
The drunk replies, “Well, you’d better get one, because some skunk is bang your chickens.”
A city kid went to his grandpa farm
Mom asks little johnny how his day at school
A drunk staggers into a diner and orders a couple of eggs.
The waiter, suspecting that they’ve run out, goes back to question the chef.
“Hey, Gus, do we have any more eggs?”
Gus replies, “I ran out of fresh eggs, I only have two rotten eggs left.”
The waiter says, “Give him the rotten eggs. He’s so bombed he won’t know the difference.”
Gus scrambles up the rotten eggs and heaps on hash browns, sausage and toast.
The drunk is so hungry he wolfs down the breakfast without comment.
He goes to pay the cashier and asks, “Where’d you get those eggs?”
She replies, “We have our own chicken farm.”
The drunk asks, “Do you have a rooster?
“No,” she says.
The drunk replies, “Well, you’d better get one, because some skunk is bang your chickens.”
A city kid went to his grandpa farm
Mom asks little johnny how his day at school
24.
A man’s favorite donkey falls into a deep precipice.
He can’t pull it out no matter how hard he tries.
He therefore decides to bury it alive.
Soil is poured onto the donkey from above, The donkey feels the load, shakes it off, and steps on it more soil is poured.
It shakes it off and steps up.
The more the load was poured, the higher it rose by noon, the donkey was grazing in green pastures.
We may not be able to control the external situations or external people.
But we can control our internal perspectives.
In the course of this UPSC journey we may get negative things from many sides.
Sometimes, people will stand firmly to make sure you are buried into the failures.
They try every possible way to pull you down but you should use them as your stepping stones.
Try to find possibilities of hope in every negative situation and from every negative person.
Because, we have to WIN this game.
One day a farmer’s donkey fell down
At deer camp
A man’s favorite donkey falls into a deep precipice.
He can’t pull it out no matter how hard he tries.
He therefore decides to bury it alive.
Soil is poured onto the donkey from above, The donkey feels the load, shakes it off, and steps on it more soil is poured.
It shakes it off and steps up.
The more the load was poured, the higher it rose by noon, the donkey was grazing in green pastures.
We may not be able to control the external situations or external people.
But we can control our internal perspectives.
In the course of this UPSC journey we may get negative things from many sides.
Sometimes, people will stand firmly to make sure you are buried into the failures.
They try every possible way to pull you down but you should use them as your stepping stones.
Try to find possibilities of hope in every negative situation and from every negative person.
Because, we have to WIN this game.
One day a farmer’s donkey fell down
At deer camp
25.
A hound dog lays in the yard and an old man in overalls sits on the porch.
“Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?” a jogger asks.
The old man looks over his newspaper and replies, “Nope.”
As soon as the jogger enters the yard, the dog begins snarling and growling, and then attacks the jogger’s legs.
As the jogger flails around in the yard, he yells,
“I thought you said your dog didn’t bite!”
The old man mutters, “Ain’t my dog.”
A blonde and a brunette decided to rob
A man walks into a bar one night
A hound dog lays in the yard and an old man in overalls sits on the porch.
“Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?” a jogger asks.
The old man looks over his newspaper and replies, “Nope.”
As soon as the jogger enters the yard, the dog begins snarling and growling, and then attacks the jogger’s legs.
As the jogger flails around in the yard, he yells,
“I thought you said your dog didn’t bite!”
The old man mutters, “Ain’t my dog.”
A blonde and a brunette decided to rob
A man walks into a bar one night
26.
Two men are in a doctor’s office.
Each of them are to get a vasectomy…the nurse comes into the room and tells both men, “Strip and put on these gowns before going in to see the doctor to have your procedures done.”
A few minutes later she returns and reaches into one man’s gown and proceeds to fondle and ultimately begins to masturbate him.
Shocked as he was, he asks “Why are you doing that?”
To which she replies, “We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure.”
The man not wanting to be a problem and enjoying it, allows her to complete her task.
After she is through, she proceeds to the next man..
She starts to fondle the man as she had the previous man, but then drops to her knees and proceeds to give him make love.
The first man seeing this quickly responds, “Hey! Why is it that I get masturbated and he gets a b*** job?”
The nurse simply replies, “Sir, there is a difference between HMO and Complete Coverage.”
At the pearly gates he was asked
Three men were discussing at a bar
Two men are in a doctor’s office.
Each of them are to get a vasectomy…the nurse comes into the room and tells both men, “Strip and put on these gowns before going in to see the doctor to have your procedures done.”
A few minutes later she returns and reaches into one man’s gown and proceeds to fondle and ultimately begins to masturbate him.
Shocked as he was, he asks “Why are you doing that?”
To which she replies, “We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure.”
The man not wanting to be a problem and enjoying it, allows her to complete her task.
After she is through, she proceeds to the next man..
She starts to fondle the man as she had the previous man, but then drops to her knees and proceeds to give him make love.
The first man seeing this quickly responds, “Hey! Why is it that I get masturbated and he gets a b*** job?”
The nurse simply replies, “Sir, there is a difference between HMO and Complete Coverage.”
At the pearly gates he was asked
Three men were discussing at a bar
27.
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any recent interest in his paintings, which happened to be on display.
“I have good news and bad news,” the gallery owner replied.
“The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death.”
“What did you say?” questioned the artist.
“When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.”
“That’s wonderful!” the artist exclaimed.
“What’s the bad news?”
“The gentleman was your doctor.”
A frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline
I Gotta Be Drunk
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any recent interest in his paintings, which happened to be on display.
“I have good news and bad news,” the gallery owner replied.
“The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death.”
“What did you say?” questioned the artist.
“When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.”
“That’s wonderful!” the artist exclaimed.
“What’s the bad news?”
“The gentleman was your doctor.”
A frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline
I Gotta Be Drunk
28.
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”
“Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she screamed.
“Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”
A elderly couple named Bill and Helen
A man was going up to bed
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”
“Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she screamed.
“Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”
A elderly couple named Bill and Helen
A man was going up to bed
29.
A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates
Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, ‘Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?’
The guy replies,’ I’ m Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston.’
Saint Peter consults his list.
He smiles and says to the pilot, ‘Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.’
The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next, it’s the priest’s turn
He stands self enjoyment and booms out, ‘I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last 43 years.’
Saint Peter consults his list.
He says to the priest, ‘Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.’
Just a minute, ‘says the good father.
‘That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood.
How can this be? ‘Up here we go by results,’ says Saint Peter.
‘When you preached people slept when he flew, people prayed.’
There was an old man who had a dream
A man celebrating his 100th birthday
A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates
Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, ‘Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?’
The guy replies,’ I’ m Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston.’
Saint Peter consults his list.
He smiles and says to the pilot, ‘Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.’
The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next, it’s the priest’s turn
He stands self enjoyment and booms out, ‘I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last 43 years.’
Saint Peter consults his list.
He says to the priest, ‘Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.’
Just a minute, ‘says the good father.
‘That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood.
How can this be? ‘Up here we go by results,’ says Saint Peter.
‘When you preached people slept when he flew, people prayed.’
There was an old man who had a dream
A man celebrating his 100th birthday
30.
This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates.
He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book.
He’s checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not.
Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, “You know, I can’t see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.
Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you’re in.”
The guy thinks for a moment and says, “Well, there was this one time when I was driving’ down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that’s what they were doing. There were about 50 of ’em torturing this chick.
Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang.
He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear.
As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.
So I ripped the leader’s chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron.
Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, ‘Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You’re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'”
St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, “Really? Wow, when did all this happen?”
“Er.. about two minutes ago.”
He immediately turns to her
A elderly lady was well-known
This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates.
He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book.
He’s checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not.
Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, “You know, I can’t see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.
Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you’re in.”
The guy thinks for a moment and says, “Well, there was this one time when I was driving’ down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that’s what they were doing. There were about 50 of ’em torturing this chick.
Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang.
He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear.
As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.
So I ripped the leader’s chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron.
Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, ‘Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You’re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'”
St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, “Really? Wow, when did all this happen?”
“Er.. about two minutes ago.”
He immediately turns to her
A elderly lady was well-known
Tags:
eng jokes