1.
A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
“Mommy,” she said, “can we leave now?”
“No,” her mother replied.
“Well, I think I have to throw up!” exclaimed the girl.
“Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush,” said her mother.
After about sixty seconds, the little girl returned to her seat.
“Did you throw up?” her mother asked.
“Yes,” the little girl replied.
“How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?” her mother asked.
“I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mommy.”
They have a box next to the front door that says: ‘For the Sick.’”
A guy goes to a girl house for the first time
The wife has just taken a shower
A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
“Mommy,” she said, “can we leave now?”
“No,” her mother replied.
“Well, I think I have to throw up!” exclaimed the girl.
“Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush,” said her mother.
After about sixty seconds, the little girl returned to her seat.
“Did you throw up?” her mother asked.
“Yes,” the little girl replied.
“How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?” her mother asked.
“I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mommy.”
They have a box next to the front door that says: ‘For the Sick.’”
A guy goes to a girl house for the first time
The wife has just taken a shower
2.
Two guys were playing golf, one of them was about to swing the golf club when he noticed a funeral procession going by on the street.
The man stopped in mid-swing and closed his eyes and said a short prayer.
The other man truly inspired, remarked, clearing his throat, “wow that was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen.”
“Well”, the other man said “I was married to her for 35 years.”
A elderly wealthy man walks
A blonde and brunette are sitting
Two guys were playing golf, one of them was about to swing the golf club when he noticed a funeral procession going by on the street.
The man stopped in mid-swing and closed his eyes and said a short prayer.
The other man truly inspired, remarked, clearing his throat, “wow that was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen.”
“Well”, the other man said “I was married to her for 35 years.”
A elderly wealthy man walks
A blonde and brunette are sitting
3.
A man and his dog walk into a pub.
The landlord said, “Sorry, we don’t allow animals in here.”
The man replied, “But my dog can talk. Will you let him in, if he talks?”
The landlord chuckled and shook his head saying, “Yeah, sure, why not?”.
The man looked at his dog and smiled, “Alright! What’s on the outside of a tree?”.
The dog said, “Bark”.
“What’s on top of a house?”,
he asked next. “Roof!” the dog responded.
“What’s the opposite of smooth?”, he finally said.
“Ruff!”, the dog said.
The landlord snapped and stamped his feet on the ground saying, “That’s it. Get out of my bar.”
The man sighed and walked out of the bar with his dog.
Outside the pub, the man shouted at the dog saying, “What the hell was that?!”.
“Yeah, I know, I’m sorry,” the dog said.
A man tells his doctor
A biker walks into front door of a bar
A man and his dog walk into a pub.
The landlord said, “Sorry, we don’t allow animals in here.”
The man replied, “But my dog can talk. Will you let him in, if he talks?”
The landlord chuckled and shook his head saying, “Yeah, sure, why not?”.
The man looked at his dog and smiled, “Alright! What’s on the outside of a tree?”.
The dog said, “Bark”.
“What’s on top of a house?”,
he asked next. “Roof!” the dog responded.
“What’s the opposite of smooth?”, he finally said.
“Ruff!”, the dog said.
The landlord snapped and stamped his feet on the ground saying, “That’s it. Get out of my bar.”
The man sighed and walked out of the bar with his dog.
Outside the pub, the man shouted at the dog saying, “What the hell was that?!”.
“Yeah, I know, I’m sorry,” the dog said.
A man tells his doctor
A biker walks into front door of a bar
4.
An elderly married couple is having problems in the bedroom.
So the wife goes to an toy store and asks the worker behind the counter what she can do to spice up her lovemaking.
The worker suggests some privates underwear and takes her to see some.
The wife looks at them and thinks they’re perfect She can’t wait to get home and wear them for her husband.
When she gets home she finds her husband is still out.
She makes her way up the bedroom to put on her new underwear.
She eagerly waits for her husband to get home.
After some time she hears him come in.
He calls out to her, “where are you??”
“I’m in the bedroom, dear!” She replies.
He makes his way up to the bedroom and sees his wife laying back in bed.
“Want some of this?” She asks as she spreads her legs open to give him a nice view.
The man takes one looks and says, “Hell no! Look what it did to your underwear!”
The teacher asked the class to use the word
A few women were sitting around the table
An elderly married couple is having problems in the bedroom.
So the wife goes to an toy store and asks the worker behind the counter what she can do to spice up her lovemaking.
The worker suggests some privates underwear and takes her to see some.
The wife looks at them and thinks they’re perfect She can’t wait to get home and wear them for her husband.
When she gets home she finds her husband is still out.
She makes her way up the bedroom to put on her new underwear.
She eagerly waits for her husband to get home.
After some time she hears him come in.
He calls out to her, “where are you??”
“I’m in the bedroom, dear!” She replies.
He makes his way up to the bedroom and sees his wife laying back in bed.
“Want some of this?” She asks as she spreads her legs open to give him a nice view.
The man takes one looks and says, “Hell no! Look what it did to your underwear!”
The teacher asked the class to use the word
A few women were sitting around the table
5.
Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.
The judge says, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance instead of jail time.”
I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use.
I’ll see you back in court Monday.
On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, “How did you do over the weekend?” “Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.”
“Seventeen people? That’s wonderful how did you do it? ”
I used a diagram, your honor.
I drew two circles like this.
Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs.
“That’s admirable,” says the judge.
Then he turns to the second guy and how did you do?
“Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.”
“Wow!” says the judge.
“156 people! How did you manage to do that?” “Well, I used a similar diagram,” the guy says.
“I drew two circles like this then I pointed to the little circle and said, ‘This is your as…. before prison… .”
Once at a crossroad, Mulla Nasruddin Hodja
Mrs Santa was in bed
Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.
The judge says, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance instead of jail time.”
I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use.
I’ll see you back in court Monday.
On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, “How did you do over the weekend?” “Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.”
“Seventeen people? That’s wonderful how did you do it? ”
I used a diagram, your honor.
I drew two circles like this.
Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs.
“That’s admirable,” says the judge.
Then he turns to the second guy and how did you do?
“Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.”
“Wow!” says the judge.
“156 people! How did you manage to do that?” “Well, I used a similar diagram,” the guy says.
“I drew two circles like this then I pointed to the little circle and said, ‘This is your as…. before prison… .”
Once at a crossroad, Mulla Nasruddin Hodja
Mrs Santa was in bed
6.
A man’s car stalled on a country road one morning.
When the man got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him.
“Your trouble is probably in the carburetor,” said the cow.
Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer.
The amazed man told the farmer his story.
“Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?” asked the farmer.
“Yes, yes,” the man replied.
“Oh! I wouldn’t listen to Bessie,” said the farmer.
“She doesn’t know a thing about cars.”
A guy was lost in the Sahara Desert
A man spitting and cussing on a corner
A man’s car stalled on a country road one morning.
When the man got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him.
“Your trouble is probably in the carburetor,” said the cow.
Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer.
The amazed man told the farmer his story.
“Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?” asked the farmer.
“Yes, yes,” the man replied.
“Oh! I wouldn’t listen to Bessie,” said the farmer.
“She doesn’t know a thing about cars.”
A guy was lost in the Sahara Desert
A man spitting and cussing on a corner
7.
A young lady was waiting for her flight in the boarding room of a big airport.
As she would need to wait for a long time, she decided to buy a book to read and a packet of cookies to snack on.
She sat down in an armchair in the VIP room of the airport to relax and read in peace.
A man sat down in the next seat, opened his magazine and started reading.
When she took out the first cookie, the man took one also.
She felt irritated but said nothing.
She just thought: “What a nerve! If I wasn’t so nice, I would blacken his eye.”
For each cookie she took, the man took one too this was infuriating her but she didn’t want to cause a scene.
When only one cookie remained, she thought: “Aaah… What will this rude man do now?”
Then the man, taking the last cookie, divided it into half, giving her one-half that was too much! She was really angry now.
In a huff, she took her book, the rest of her things and stormed off to the boarding place.
For the next hours, she found it hard to forget what happened.
She couldn’t even focus reading her book how dare that guy, right?
When she sat down in her seat on the plane, she looked into her purse to take out her reading glasses, and to her surprise, her packet of cookies was there, untouched and unopened.
She felt so ashamed.
She realized that she was wrong.
She had forgotten that her cookies were kept in her purse.
The man had divided his cookies with her, without feeling angered or bitter, while she had been very angry, thinking that she was dividing her cookies with him.
And now there was no chance to explain herself… nor to apologize have you ever lost your cool and then realized later that you were in the wrong?
I’m sure that most of us have let’s save ourselves some embarrassment and make sure that we are in possession of all of the facts before reacting.
There are four things you can never recover… The stone after the throw;
The word after it’s said; The occasion after the loss, and the time after it’s gone.
Who Is Doing All The Work
A stingy old lawyer
A young lady was waiting for her flight in the boarding room of a big airport.
As she would need to wait for a long time, she decided to buy a book to read and a packet of cookies to snack on.
She sat down in an armchair in the VIP room of the airport to relax and read in peace.
A man sat down in the next seat, opened his magazine and started reading.
When she took out the first cookie, the man took one also.
She felt irritated but said nothing.
She just thought: “What a nerve! If I wasn’t so nice, I would blacken his eye.”
For each cookie she took, the man took one too this was infuriating her but she didn’t want to cause a scene.
When only one cookie remained, she thought: “Aaah… What will this rude man do now?”
Then the man, taking the last cookie, divided it into half, giving her one-half that was too much! She was really angry now.
In a huff, she took her book, the rest of her things and stormed off to the boarding place.
For the next hours, she found it hard to forget what happened.
She couldn’t even focus reading her book how dare that guy, right?
When she sat down in her seat on the plane, she looked into her purse to take out her reading glasses, and to her surprise, her packet of cookies was there, untouched and unopened.
She felt so ashamed.
She realized that she was wrong.
She had forgotten that her cookies were kept in her purse.
The man had divided his cookies with her, without feeling angered or bitter, while she had been very angry, thinking that she was dividing her cookies with him.
And now there was no chance to explain herself… nor to apologize have you ever lost your cool and then realized later that you were in the wrong?
I’m sure that most of us have let’s save ourselves some embarrassment and make sure that we are in possession of all of the facts before reacting.
There are four things you can never recover… The stone after the throw;
The word after it’s said; The occasion after the loss, and the time after it’s gone.
Who Is Doing All The Work
A stingy old lawyer
8.
A man goes to the circus and sees a line of people.
It extends far into the distance.
The man walks up to a person in the line and asks him, “Sir, what is this line for?”
The person replies, “Go to the front.”
So the man walks up the line. and he keeps walking, and walking, but the line never ends.
He gets tired of this and decides to ask another person what it’s for.
So he goes to the nearest person and asks him, “Sir, what is this line for?”
The person replies, “Go to the front.”
The man thinks about this for a moment, he wants to go back, but he is already quite far down the line.
“Shurley,” he thinks to himself, “The front must be just around one more bend.”
So he continues to walk down the line in search of the front.
After following it to the exit of the circus, he stops again.
Seeing how it leaves the place he paid money to get into he gets frustrated.
So he asks another person, “Sir, could you please tell me what this line is for?”
The person replies, “Go to the front.”
This gets the man very frustrated and he yells, “Well where is the front!?!”
The person replies, “Far out in the desert, many many miles away.”
The man implores further, “Can I get there at all?”
The person replies, “You can get there three days time on foot, but by vehicle it would be impossible.”
So the man sets off into the dessert, determined to find the front and what it’s for.
He hikes for many miles, over boulders, thru for rest, up and down canyon walls, warding off wolves and bears with nothing but his hands.
Finally, after three days time he comes to the front of the line.
There at the front, is a small booth with a cardboard sign, next to the sign is and old man in a hawaiian t-shirt and sunglasses.
The people in the line walk up to him, give him a wad of cash, he punches them, and then they start walking back towards the beginning of the line.
The man walks up to the Old man and asks him, “Sir, what is this line for?”
The Old Man turns soberly to him and says, “Son, after a long time in life you’ll learn something.”
“What?” says the man.
The old man replies, “Every joke needs a punch line.”
An ant is lying in its deathbed in North Korea
A Preacher, a Lawyer, and a Doctor all go hunting
A man goes to the circus and sees a line of people.
It extends far into the distance.
The man walks up to a person in the line and asks him, “Sir, what is this line for?”
The person replies, “Go to the front.”
So the man walks up the line. and he keeps walking, and walking, but the line never ends.
He gets tired of this and decides to ask another person what it’s for.
So he goes to the nearest person and asks him, “Sir, what is this line for?”
The person replies, “Go to the front.”
The man thinks about this for a moment, he wants to go back, but he is already quite far down the line.
“Shurley,” he thinks to himself, “The front must be just around one more bend.”
So he continues to walk down the line in search of the front.
After following it to the exit of the circus, he stops again.
Seeing how it leaves the place he paid money to get into he gets frustrated.
So he asks another person, “Sir, could you please tell me what this line is for?”
The person replies, “Go to the front.”
This gets the man very frustrated and he yells, “Well where is the front!?!”
The person replies, “Far out in the desert, many many miles away.”
The man implores further, “Can I get there at all?”
The person replies, “You can get there three days time on foot, but by vehicle it would be impossible.”
So the man sets off into the dessert, determined to find the front and what it’s for.
He hikes for many miles, over boulders, thru for rest, up and down canyon walls, warding off wolves and bears with nothing but his hands.
Finally, after three days time he comes to the front of the line.
There at the front, is a small booth with a cardboard sign, next to the sign is and old man in a hawaiian t-shirt and sunglasses.
The people in the line walk up to him, give him a wad of cash, he punches them, and then they start walking back towards the beginning of the line.
The man walks up to the Old man and asks him, “Sir, what is this line for?”
The Old Man turns soberly to him and says, “Son, after a long time in life you’ll learn something.”
“What?” says the man.
The old man replies, “Every joke needs a punch line.”
An ant is lying in its deathbed in North Korea
A Preacher, a Lawyer, and a Doctor all go hunting
9.
A salesman was trying to talk a farmer into buying a bicycle, but was meeting with considerable sales resistance.
“Shucks, I’d sooner spend my money on a cow,” said the farmer.
“Ah,” replied the salesman, “but think how silly you’d look riding around on a cow.”
“Humph!” retorted the farmer. “Not near as silly as I’d look trying to milk a bicycle!”
Three rats are sitting at the bar
A doctor just finishes his check-up
A salesman was trying to talk a farmer into buying a bicycle, but was meeting with considerable sales resistance.
“Shucks, I’d sooner spend my money on a cow,” said the farmer.
“Ah,” replied the salesman, “but think how silly you’d look riding around on a cow.”
“Humph!” retorted the farmer. “Not near as silly as I’d look trying to milk a bicycle!”
Three rats are sitting at the bar
A doctor just finishes his check-up
10.
Two men are in a doctor’s office.
Each of them are to get a vasectomy…the nurse comes into the room and tells both men, “Strip and put on these gowns before going in to see the doctor to have your procedures done.”
A few minutes later she returns and reaches into one man’s gown and proceeds to fondle and ultimately begins to masturbate him.
Shocked as he was, he asks “Why are you doing that?”
To which she replies, “We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure.”
The man not wanting to be a problem and enjoying it, allows her to complete her task.
After she is through, she proceeds to the next man..
She starts to fondle the man as she had the previous man, but then drops to her knees and proceeds to give him make love.
The first man seeing this quickly responds, “Hey! Why is it that I get masturbated and he gets a b*** job?”
The nurse simply replies, “Sir, there is a difference between HMO and Complete Coverage.”
At the pearly gates he was asked
Three men were discussing at a bar
Two men are in a doctor’s office.
Each of them are to get a vasectomy…the nurse comes into the room and tells both men, “Strip and put on these gowns before going in to see the doctor to have your procedures done.”
A few minutes later she returns and reaches into one man’s gown and proceeds to fondle and ultimately begins to masturbate him.
Shocked as he was, he asks “Why are you doing that?”
To which she replies, “We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure.”
The man not wanting to be a problem and enjoying it, allows her to complete her task.
After she is through, she proceeds to the next man..
She starts to fondle the man as she had the previous man, but then drops to her knees and proceeds to give him make love.
The first man seeing this quickly responds, “Hey! Why is it that I get masturbated and he gets a b*** job?”
The nurse simply replies, “Sir, there is a difference between HMO and Complete Coverage.”
At the pearly gates he was asked
Three men were discussing at a bar
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11.
A man boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman.
They exchange brief hellos and he notices that she is reading a manual about mating statistics.
He asks her about it and she replies, “This is a very interesting book about mating statistics.
It identifies that American Indians have the longest average weapon and Polish men have the biggest average diameter.
By the way my name is Jill. What’s yours?”
He coolly replies, “Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you.”
A foursome of senior golfers
Two businessmen were taking
A man boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman.
They exchange brief hellos and he notices that she is reading a manual about mating statistics.
He asks her about it and she replies, “This is a very interesting book about mating statistics.
It identifies that American Indians have the longest average weapon and Polish men have the biggest average diameter.
By the way my name is Jill. What’s yours?”
He coolly replies, “Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you.”
A foursome of senior golfers
Two businessmen were taking
12.
There’s a guy with a 25-inch tool and is always wanting to get closer to the girls he is having lovemaking with.
One day he comes upon a witch and he tells her about his problem.
She tells him about a frog who can make his weapon smaller.
All he had to do is make the frog say no and his weapon would shrink 5-inches.
So, he goes to find the frog and ask the frog to marry him.
The frog says no and his tool get down to 20-inches.
He decides he wants to be closer so he ask the frog to marry him again, and again the frog said no and another 5-inches are gone.
He decides he wants to be even closer so he ask the frog one more time to marry him.
The frog said, “How many times do I have to tell you? No, no, no, no, no.”
The bartender asked a guy
A father has three daughters
There’s a guy with a 25-inch tool and is always wanting to get closer to the girls he is having lovemaking with.
One day he comes upon a witch and he tells her about his problem.
She tells him about a frog who can make his weapon smaller.
All he had to do is make the frog say no and his weapon would shrink 5-inches.
So, he goes to find the frog and ask the frog to marry him.
The frog says no and his tool get down to 20-inches.
He decides he wants to be closer so he ask the frog to marry him again, and again the frog said no and another 5-inches are gone.
He decides he wants to be even closer so he ask the frog one more time to marry him.
The frog said, “How many times do I have to tell you? No, no, no, no, no.”
The bartender asked a guy
A father has three daughters
13.
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep It was fascinating.”
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating’.”
Sally raised her hand.
She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word ‘fascinate’, so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her melons are so big she can only fasten eight!”
A dude-up city biker
A young naval student
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep It was fascinating.”
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating’.”
Sally raised her hand.
She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word ‘fascinate’, so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her melons are so big she can only fasten eight!”
A dude-up city biker
A young naval student
14.
A doctor had just finished a marathon love session with one of his patients.
He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn’t really ethical to bang one of his patients.
However, a little voice in his head said, “Lots of other doctors have lovemaking with their patients so its not like you’re the first…”
This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, “… but they probably weren’t veterinarians”
A blonde told her doctor
A lady was filling her tank
A doctor had just finished a marathon love session with one of his patients.
He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn’t really ethical to bang one of his patients.
However, a little voice in his head said, “Lots of other doctors have lovemaking with their patients so its not like you’re the first…”
This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, “… but they probably weren’t veterinarians”
A blonde told her doctor
A lady was filling her tank
15.
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively,
“Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs,
“No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!”
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles at him and says,
“I’m sorry if I embarrassed you see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $300?”
The passenger window and tapped lightly
Lawyer Asks Old Lady If She Knows Who He Is
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively,
“Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs,
“No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!”
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles at him and says,
“I’m sorry if I embarrassed you see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $300?”
The passenger window and tapped lightly
Lawyer Asks Old Lady If She Knows Who He Is
16.
After the honeymoon, the new wife tells her husband, “I think it’s time for you to stop playing golf. In fact, you might as well sell all of your clubs.”
The husband replies, “You’re starting to sound like my ex-wife.”
His wife says, “I thought you said you’ve never been married before?”
The husband says, “I haven’t.”
A man and his wife are dining at a table
A woman decides to prove her intelligence
After the honeymoon, the new wife tells her husband, “I think it’s time for you to stop playing golf. In fact, you might as well sell all of your clubs.”
The husband replies, “You’re starting to sound like my ex-wife.”
His wife says, “I thought you said you’ve never been married before?”
The husband says, “I haven’t.”
A man and his wife are dining at a table
A woman decides to prove her intelligence
17.
A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together.
After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up.
The judge asked the husband,
“What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?”
The husband said, “In the six weeks we’ve been together, we haven’t been able to agree on one thing.”
The wife said, “Seven weeks.
A little boy said Grandpa
A young couple got married
A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together.
After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up.
The judge asked the husband,
“What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?”
The husband said, “In the six weeks we’ve been together, we haven’t been able to agree on one thing.”
The wife said, “Seven weeks.
A little boy said Grandpa
A young couple got married
18.
There’s a couple that has been dating for a while.
As much as he wants to, she won’t sleep with him, because she’s saving her purity for marriage.
Just as they were kissing, he was becoming hotter and hotter, and he said,
“Oh come on, just a feeling.”
To which she replies, “No, I’m saving myself for marriage!”
They went back and forth.
He said, “Just one feel, I promise, that’s all, just one feel.”
She finally agreed, “Okay, just one feel, but that’s all, just one, I’m saving myself for marriage.”
So he puts his hand down her underwear and takes a little feel.
Things are getting a lot warmer and he asks, “Can’t we please?”
She of course states, “NO, I’m saving myself for marriage.”
He says, “Please, please?” and she says,
“No, absolutely not, I’m saving myself for marriage.”
He says, “How about if I agree to only just put the tip in?”
She says, “No way, I’m saving myself for marriage.”
He begs and pleads with her, “I promise, just the tip, no more,and we’ll stop after that.”
She finally gives in, “Okay, but just the t!p, no more, and that’s all.”
He says okay and pulls down her underwear and puts the tip in he’s so hot and ready that he can’t control himself shoves it the whole way in and starts going to town she meanwhile is moaning and groaning and shouts,
“Okay, go ahead and put it the whole way in!!”
A little stunned, he says, “No no…absolutely not, a deals a deal!”
The grandfather spend time with his grandson
A husband and wife get up on Sunday
There’s a couple that has been dating for a while.
As much as he wants to, she won’t sleep with him, because she’s saving her purity for marriage.
Just as they were kissing, he was becoming hotter and hotter, and he said,
“Oh come on, just a feeling.”
To which she replies, “No, I’m saving myself for marriage!”
They went back and forth.
He said, “Just one feel, I promise, that’s all, just one feel.”
She finally agreed, “Okay, just one feel, but that’s all, just one, I’m saving myself for marriage.”
So he puts his hand down her underwear and takes a little feel.
Things are getting a lot warmer and he asks, “Can’t we please?”
She of course states, “NO, I’m saving myself for marriage.”
He says, “Please, please?” and she says,
“No, absolutely not, I’m saving myself for marriage.”
He says, “How about if I agree to only just put the tip in?”
She says, “No way, I’m saving myself for marriage.”
He begs and pleads with her, “I promise, just the tip, no more,and we’ll stop after that.”
She finally gives in, “Okay, but just the t!p, no more, and that’s all.”
He says okay and pulls down her underwear and puts the tip in he’s so hot and ready that he can’t control himself shoves it the whole way in and starts going to town she meanwhile is moaning and groaning and shouts,
“Okay, go ahead and put it the whole way in!!”
A little stunned, he says, “No no…absolutely not, a deals a deal!”
The grandfather spend time with his grandson
A husband and wife get up on Sunday
19.
A man walks into a bar, orders a drink, gulps it down, looks in his pocket then orders another one.
He gulps that one down, looks in his pocket again, then orders another one.
He does this about 7 or 8 more times when the bartender finally asks, “Every time you finish a drink you look in your pocket. What’s in your pocket?”
The man replies, “Oh… I have a picture of my wife in there. I drink until she looks good, then I go home.”
A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress
A man observed a woman in the grocery store
A man walks into a bar, orders a drink, gulps it down, looks in his pocket then orders another one.
He gulps that one down, looks in his pocket again, then orders another one.
He does this about 7 or 8 more times when the bartender finally asks, “Every time you finish a drink you look in your pocket. What’s in your pocket?”
The man replies, “Oh… I have a picture of my wife in there. I drink until she looks good, then I go home.”
A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress
A man observed a woman in the grocery store
20.
A teacher is explaining biology to her 3rd grade students.
She explains that humans are the only animals that can stutter.
A little girl in the back raises her hand and says “No ma’am, I had a cat who stuttered.”
The teacher knowing how precious these stories could be asked her to explain.
The little girl stands up and says, “Well, we had this big tabby cat that liked to annoy the rottweiler next door and one day the rottweiler got loose and jumped the fence.”
She continued, “My cat said fff, fff, fff, but before she could finish saying f****k the rottweiler ate her.”
Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment
A couple lived near the ocean
A teacher is explaining biology to her 3rd grade students.
She explains that humans are the only animals that can stutter.
A little girl in the back raises her hand and says “No ma’am, I had a cat who stuttered.”
The teacher knowing how precious these stories could be asked her to explain.
The little girl stands up and says, “Well, we had this big tabby cat that liked to annoy the rottweiler next door and one day the rottweiler got loose and jumped the fence.”
She continued, “My cat said fff, fff, fff, but before she could finish saying f****k the rottweiler ate her.”
Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment
A couple lived near the ocean
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21.
Three newlywed men were discussing their wives.
The first guy married an Iowa gal; he says, I told my wife she had to all the cooking.
The first day I didn’t see anything, but on the second day, she fell into line.
The second guy married a Minnesota gal; he says I told my wife she had to do all the cooking and cleaning.
The first day he didn’t see any change, but the second day, she fell into line.
The third guy married a South Dakota gal; he says, I told my wife she had to all of that, plus the laundry.
The first day he didn’t see anything, nor the second day, but on third day, the swelling went down and he could see a little out of his left eye.
Near Tokyo lived a great Samurai
A Zen student said to his teacher
Three newlywed men were discussing their wives.
The first guy married an Iowa gal; he says, I told my wife she had to all the cooking.
The first day I didn’t see anything, but on the second day, she fell into line.
The second guy married a Minnesota gal; he says I told my wife she had to do all the cooking and cleaning.
The first day he didn’t see any change, but the second day, she fell into line.
The third guy married a South Dakota gal; he says, I told my wife she had to all of that, plus the laundry.
The first day he didn’t see anything, nor the second day, but on third day, the swelling went down and he could see a little out of his left eye.
Near Tokyo lived a great Samurai
A Zen student said to his teacher
22.
It was a practical session in the psychology class.
The professor showed a large cage with a male rat in it.
The rat was in the middle of the cage.
Then, the professor kept a piece of cake on one side and kept a female rat on the other side.
The male rat ran towards the cake and ate it.
Then, the professor changed the cake and replaced it with some bread.
The male rat ran towards the bread.
This experiment went on with the professor changing the food every time.
And, every time, the male rat ran towards the food item and never towards the female rat.
Professor said: This experiment shows that food is the greatest strength and attraction.
Then, one of the students from the back rows said: “Sir, why don’t you change the female rat?This one may be his wife!”
The professor stood straight up his finger pointing towards the student and said, “You are a Damn Genius”
Father and son at a horse auction
A small boy lived in the local village
It was a practical session in the psychology class.
The professor showed a large cage with a male rat in it.
The rat was in the middle of the cage.
Then, the professor kept a piece of cake on one side and kept a female rat on the other side.
The male rat ran towards the cake and ate it.
Then, the professor changed the cake and replaced it with some bread.
The male rat ran towards the bread.
This experiment went on with the professor changing the food every time.
And, every time, the male rat ran towards the food item and never towards the female rat.
Professor said: This experiment shows that food is the greatest strength and attraction.
Then, one of the students from the back rows said: “Sir, why don’t you change the female rat?This one may be his wife!”
The professor stood straight up his finger pointing towards the student and said, “You are a Damn Genius”
Father and son at a horse auction
A small boy lived in the local village
23.
A Samurai who was known for his nobility and honesty, went to visit a Zen monk to ask him for his advice.
When the monk had finished his prayers, the Samurai asked,
Why do I feel so inferior? I have faced death many times, have defended those who are weak.
“Nevertheless, upon seeing you meditating, I felt that my life had absolutely no importance whatsoever.”
Wait once I have attended to all those who come to see me today, I shall answer you.
The samurai spent the whole day sitting in the temple gardens, watching the people go in and out in search of advice.
He saw how the monk received them all with the same patience and the same illuminated smile on his face.
At nightfall, when everyone had gone, he demanded: Now can you teach me?
The master invited him in and lead him to his room.
The full moon shone in the sky, and the atmosphere was one of profound tranquility.
Do you see the moon, how beautiful it is? It will cross the entire firmament, and tomorrow the sun will shine once again.
“But sunlight is much brighter, and can show the details of the landscape around us: trees, mountains, clouds.”
“I have contemplated the two for years, and have never heard the moon say: why do I not shine like the sun? Is it because I am inferior?”
The monks were allowed to speak
Dove And Ant
A Samurai who was known for his nobility and honesty, went to visit a Zen monk to ask him for his advice.
When the monk had finished his prayers, the Samurai asked,
Why do I feel so inferior? I have faced death many times, have defended those who are weak.
“Nevertheless, upon seeing you meditating, I felt that my life had absolutely no importance whatsoever.”
Wait once I have attended to all those who come to see me today, I shall answer you.
The samurai spent the whole day sitting in the temple gardens, watching the people go in and out in search of advice.
He saw how the monk received them all with the same patience and the same illuminated smile on his face.
At nightfall, when everyone had gone, he demanded: Now can you teach me?
The master invited him in and lead him to his room.
The full moon shone in the sky, and the atmosphere was one of profound tranquility.
Do you see the moon, how beautiful it is? It will cross the entire firmament, and tomorrow the sun will shine once again.
“But sunlight is much brighter, and can show the details of the landscape around us: trees, mountains, clouds.”
“I have contemplated the two for years, and have never heard the moon say: why do I not shine like the sun? Is it because I am inferior?”
The monks were allowed to speak
Dove And Ant
24.
One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate.
He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand.
The pastor asked her to come to the front.
Slowly she made her way to the pastor.
He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, “I’ll take him and him and him.”
Three old men are talking about
The man asked the doctor
One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate.
He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand.
The pastor asked her to come to the front.
Slowly she made her way to the pastor.
He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, “I’ll take him and him and him.”
Three old men are talking about
The man asked the doctor
25.
A couple of weeks later she finally wakes up and asks the doctor, “Where is my baby?!”
The doctor replies, “They are both fine, you have a beautiful boy and girl.
Your husband went back to work and you were out so long that your brother named them.”
The woman looked concerned, as her brother wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. “Oh no. What did he name them?”
“He named the girl Denise,” The doctor replies.
The woman, relieved, “Well, that’s not so bad. What about the boy?”
“Denephew.”
A judge was interviewing a woman
The passenger window and tapped lightly
A couple of weeks later she finally wakes up and asks the doctor, “Where is my baby?!”
The doctor replies, “They are both fine, you have a beautiful boy and girl.
Your husband went back to work and you were out so long that your brother named them.”
The woman looked concerned, as her brother wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. “Oh no. What did he name them?”
“He named the girl Denise,” The doctor replies.
The woman, relieved, “Well, that’s not so bad. What about the boy?”
“Denephew.”
A judge was interviewing a woman
The passenger window and tapped lightly
26.
An Irishman is out of work and decides to go to a construction site and apply.
The foreman is an older English fellow who doesn’t care for Irishmen, thinks they’re drunks and dumb and unreliable.
But he knows he can’t just come out and say that.
So, the foreman says, “Now, see here chap!
This operation is not in the habit of hiring just any old sod who applies, you have to show me you have some builder experience and knowledge.
I’ll hire you if you can answer some questions.”
The Irishman says, “Deadly! I been a builder for donkey’s years, Holy joe.
let’s have it, then, i’ll show you i’m not a dosser!”
The foreman thinks to himself, “Righto, this geezer’s a lota wind. let’s send him packing”.
So he asks:
“Alright, what’s the difference between a Girder and a Joist?”
The irishman thinks for a few seconds and grumbles a bit.
He pauses long enough for the Englishman to get a bit of a smirk on his face (as English are wont to do).
Finally, he takes a breath, taste it in his gut, and stands a little straighter to answer:
“One wrote Faust, the other wrote Finnegan’s Wake
A man came home from work
My general was making so damn angry
An Irishman is out of work and decides to go to a construction site and apply.
The foreman is an older English fellow who doesn’t care for Irishmen, thinks they’re drunks and dumb and unreliable.
But he knows he can’t just come out and say that.
So, the foreman says, “Now, see here chap!
This operation is not in the habit of hiring just any old sod who applies, you have to show me you have some builder experience and knowledge.
I’ll hire you if you can answer some questions.”
The Irishman says, “Deadly! I been a builder for donkey’s years, Holy joe.
let’s have it, then, i’ll show you i’m not a dosser!”
The foreman thinks to himself, “Righto, this geezer’s a lota wind. let’s send him packing”.
So he asks:
“Alright, what’s the difference between a Girder and a Joist?”
The irishman thinks for a few seconds and grumbles a bit.
He pauses long enough for the Englishman to get a bit of a smirk on his face (as English are wont to do).
Finally, he takes a breath, taste it in his gut, and stands a little straighter to answer:
“One wrote Faust, the other wrote Finnegan’s Wake
A man came home from work
My general was making so damn angry
27.
A woman wants to divorce her husband, so she is talking to her lawyer.
Lawyer: “Well first we need a reason, is he not giving you money?”
Woman: “if he hides as much as a dollar from me, I’m not cooking for him for three days straight.”
Lawyer: “Well is he beating you?”
Woman: “Him? I’d throw him through the window, with my left hand only”
Lawyer: “How about being faithful?”
Women: “That’s where we get him! The second child is not from him.”
This blonde city girl who was out driving
The bride immediately called her mother
A woman wants to divorce her husband, so she is talking to her lawyer.
Lawyer: “Well first we need a reason, is he not giving you money?”
Woman: “if he hides as much as a dollar from me, I’m not cooking for him for three days straight.”
Lawyer: “Well is he beating you?”
Woman: “Him? I’d throw him through the window, with my left hand only”
Lawyer: “How about being faithful?”
Women: “That’s where we get him! The second child is not from him.”
This blonde city girl who was out driving
The bride immediately called her mother
28.
One afternoon a fox was walking through the forest and spotted a bunch of grapes hanging from over a lofty branch.
“Just the thing to quench my thirst,” he thought.
Taking a few steps back, the fox jumped and just missed the hanging grapes.
Again the fox took a few paces back and tried to reach them but still failed.
Finally, giving up, the fox turned up his nose and said;
“They’re probably sour anyway,” and proceeded to walk away.
Rat & Piano
A magic fairy
One afternoon a fox was walking through the forest and spotted a bunch of grapes hanging from over a lofty branch.
“Just the thing to quench my thirst,” he thought.
Taking a few steps back, the fox jumped and just missed the hanging grapes.
Again the fox took a few paces back and tried to reach them but still failed.
Finally, giving up, the fox turned up his nose and said;
“They’re probably sour anyway,” and proceeded to walk away.
Rat & Piano
A magic fairy
29.
Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on.
It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal.
“I’ll bet you $10 he’ll jump,” said the first guy.
“Bet you $10 he won’t,” said the second guy.
Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge.
The second guy hands the first guy the money.
“I can’t take your money,” said the first guy.
“I cheated you. The same story was on the five o’clock news.”
“No, no. Take it,” said the second guy.
“I saw the five o’clock news too. I just didn’t think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!”
A elderly couple were on a cruise
He walked into the kitchen
Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on.
It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal.
“I’ll bet you $10 he’ll jump,” said the first guy.
“Bet you $10 he won’t,” said the second guy.
Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge.
The second guy hands the first guy the money.
“I can’t take your money,” said the first guy.
“I cheated you. The same story was on the five o’clock news.”
“No, no. Take it,” said the second guy.
“I saw the five o’clock news too. I just didn’t think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!”
A elderly couple were on a cruise
He walked into the kitchen
30.
The teacher asked Little Johnny if he had any pets.
Little Johnny replied,
“Yes I have a pet cat and this morning before I left for school I put some lighter fuel in the cat’s water bowl. The cat raced up the stairs. jumped over the beds, ran down again, across the living room to the curtains, climbed up to the top and then fell down onto the floor. The cat just lay there motionless”.
“OMG”, exclaimed the teacher, “was your pet cat dead”?
“No” said Little Johnny,
“He just ran out of gas…”
Johnny his brother Jimmy sat down to eat
A woman entered the pharmacy
The teacher asked Little Johnny if he had any pets.
Little Johnny replied,
“Yes I have a pet cat and this morning before I left for school I put some lighter fuel in the cat’s water bowl. The cat raced up the stairs. jumped over the beds, ran down again, across the living room to the curtains, climbed up to the top and then fell down onto the floor. The cat just lay there motionless”.
“OMG”, exclaimed the teacher, “was your pet cat dead”?
“No” said Little Johnny,
“He just ran out of gas…”
Johnny his brother Jimmy sat down to eat
A woman entered the pharmacy
Tags:
eng jokes