1.
There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane.
The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence.
Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he’d give her $50.00.
The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?”
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled.
He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer.
Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
A wife arriving home to find her husband in bed
Three gentlemen are golfing one sunny day
There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane.
The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence.
Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he’d give her $50.00.
The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?”
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled.
He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer.
Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
A wife arriving home to find her husband in bed
Three gentlemen are golfing one sunny day
2.
A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.
The bartender looks at him and says, “What’ll it be buddy?”
The man says, “Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles.”
The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served.
Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he’s doing all this drinking.
“You’d drink them this fast too if you had what I have.”
The bartender hastily asks, “What do you have pal?”
The man quickly replies, “I have a dollar.”
A psychiatrist met an old patient
Two little kids are in a hospital
A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.
The bartender looks at him and says, “What’ll it be buddy?”
The man says, “Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles.”
The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served.
Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he’s doing all this drinking.
“You’d drink them this fast too if you had what I have.”
The bartender hastily asks, “What do you have pal?”
The man quickly replies, “I have a dollar.”
A psychiatrist met an old patient
Two little kids are in a hospital
3.
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
‘I may look like just an ordinary man,’ he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I’ll inherit $65 million.’
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.
Three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
Three young women are at a party
A hunter goes into the woods
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
‘I may look like just an ordinary man,’ he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I’ll inherit $65 million.’
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.
Three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
Three young women are at a party
A hunter goes into the woods
4.
A man and his dog walk into a pub.
The landlord said, “Sorry, we don’t allow animals in here.”
The man replied, “But my dog can talk. Will you let him in, if he talks?”
The landlord chuckled and shook his head saying, “Yeah, sure, why not?”.
The man looked at his dog and smiled, “Alright! What’s on the outside of a tree?”.
The dog said, “Bark”.
“What’s on top of a house?”,
he asked next. “Roof!” the dog responded.
“What’s the opposite of smooth?”, he finally said.
“Ruff!”, the dog said.
The landlord snapped and stamped his feet on the ground saying, “That’s it. Get out of my bar.”
The man sighed and walked out of the bar with his dog.
Outside the pub, the man shouted at the dog saying, “What the hell was that?!”.
“Yeah, I know, I’m sorry,” the dog said.
A man tells his doctor
A biker walks into front door of a bar
A man and his dog walk into a pub.
The landlord said, “Sorry, we don’t allow animals in here.”
The man replied, “But my dog can talk. Will you let him in, if he talks?”
The landlord chuckled and shook his head saying, “Yeah, sure, why not?”.
The man looked at his dog and smiled, “Alright! What’s on the outside of a tree?”.
The dog said, “Bark”.
“What’s on top of a house?”,
he asked next. “Roof!” the dog responded.
“What’s the opposite of smooth?”, he finally said.
“Ruff!”, the dog said.
The landlord snapped and stamped his feet on the ground saying, “That’s it. Get out of my bar.”
The man sighed and walked out of the bar with his dog.
Outside the pub, the man shouted at the dog saying, “What the hell was that?!”.
“Yeah, I know, I’m sorry,” the dog said.
A man tells his doctor
A biker walks into front door of a bar
5.
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife, “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes!
He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck.
If he wants make love, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is probably very dangerous.
If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”
His wife responds, “He wasn’t kissing my neck.
He was whispering in my ear.
He told me he was queer, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!”
Dylan was practicing his golf swing
A affair with his secretary
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife, “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes!
He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck.
If he wants make love, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is probably very dangerous.
If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”
His wife responds, “He wasn’t kissing my neck.
He was whispering in my ear.
He told me he was queer, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!”
Dylan was practicing his golf swing
A affair with his secretary
6.
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north.
The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap.
The wife decided to take the boat out.
She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside and says,
“Good morning, Ma’am what are you doing?”
“Reading my book,” she replies as she thinks to herself, “Is he guy blind or what?”
“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.
“But, Officer, I’m not fishing can’t you see that?”
“But you have all this equipment, Ma’am I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”
“If you do that I will charge you with rape,” snaps the irate woman.
“I didn’t even touch you,” grouses the Game Warden.
“Yes, that’s true but you have all the equipment.
Mother-in-law
Husband in bed with a young
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north.
The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap.
The wife decided to take the boat out.
She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside and says,
“Good morning, Ma’am what are you doing?”
“Reading my book,” she replies as she thinks to herself, “Is he guy blind or what?”
“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.
“But, Officer, I’m not fishing can’t you see that?”
“But you have all this equipment, Ma’am I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”
“If you do that I will charge you with rape,” snaps the irate woman.
“I didn’t even touch you,” grouses the Game Warden.
“Yes, that’s true but you have all the equipment.
Mother-in-law
Husband in bed with a young
7.
One day there was this little girl watching TV and she sees 2 girls kissing.
She ask her mom “Mommy why are those two girls kissing?”
The mother then Replied “Oh their just making a cake.
The little girls says “Oh Okay”.
The very next day the little girl is watching TV and she see two black guys kissing.
She asked her mother “Mommy why are those two guys kissing?”
The mother Replied again “Oh their just making a cake.”
The little girl says again “Oh Okay”.
The very next morning the mother was coming down the stairs and she sees her daughter with a smile on her face her mother ask “Why such a smile?”
The little girl replies “I seen you and daddy make a cake last night.”
The mother looks at her daughter in shocks and says “Oh really how’s that?”
The little girl Replied “I lick the frosting off the couch.”
During lunch at work last week
Tim, Tom, and Teddy were all lost
One day there was this little girl watching TV and she sees 2 girls kissing.
She ask her mom “Mommy why are those two girls kissing?”
The mother then Replied “Oh their just making a cake.
The little girls says “Oh Okay”.
The very next day the little girl is watching TV and she see two black guys kissing.
She asked her mother “Mommy why are those two guys kissing?”
The mother Replied again “Oh their just making a cake.”
The little girl says again “Oh Okay”.
The very next morning the mother was coming down the stairs and she sees her daughter with a smile on her face her mother ask “Why such a smile?”
The little girl replies “I seen you and daddy make a cake last night.”
The mother looks at her daughter in shocks and says “Oh really how’s that?”
The little girl Replied “I lick the frosting off the couch.”
During lunch at work last week
Tim, Tom, and Teddy were all lost
8.
Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be go to through Heaven.
The angel at the gate tells them “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven”.
The first guy says “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times”.
The angel gives him an old model pick up, the second guy says “11 years and only once” and is granted a Mercedes.
The last man says “20 years and not once , I loved her with all my heart” and with the angel impressed he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men.
Hours later the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says ” I know we are dead but it could be much worse”.
The guy looks up and says “How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard”
3 Archers are competing at a contest
Three construction workers where sitting on the bridge
Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be go to through Heaven.
The angel at the gate tells them “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven”.
The first guy says “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times”.
The angel gives him an old model pick up, the second guy says “11 years and only once” and is granted a Mercedes.
The last man says “20 years and not once , I loved her with all my heart” and with the angel impressed he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men.
Hours later the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says ” I know we are dead but it could be much worse”.
The guy looks up and says “How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard”
3 Archers are competing at a contest
Three construction workers where sitting on the bridge
9.
Three old men are discussing their make love lives.
The Italian man says, “Last week, my wife and I had great lovemaking. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end.”
The Frenchman boasts, “Last week when my wife and I had make love I rubbed her body all over with butter. We made passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes.
The old Jewish man says, “Well last week my wife and I had lovemaking too. I rubbed her body all over with chicken schmaltz (kosher chicken fat), we made love and she screamed for 6 hours.
The Italian and Frenchman were stunned.
They replied, “What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for 6 hours?”
“I wiped my hands on the drapes.”
Grandpa and grandma were watching the television
He asked the madame
Three old men are discussing their make love lives.
The Italian man says, “Last week, my wife and I had great lovemaking. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end.”
The Frenchman boasts, “Last week when my wife and I had make love I rubbed her body all over with butter. We made passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes.
The old Jewish man says, “Well last week my wife and I had lovemaking too. I rubbed her body all over with chicken schmaltz (kosher chicken fat), we made love and she screamed for 6 hours.
The Italian and Frenchman were stunned.
They replied, “What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for 6 hours?”
“I wiped my hands on the drapes.”
Grandpa and grandma were watching the television
He asked the madame
10.
An Irishman walked into a bar in Dublin, ordered three pints of Guinness and sat at the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finished them, he came back to the bar and ordered three more.
The bartender approached and told him: “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
The Irishman replied: “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin.
When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each me brothers and one for me self.”
The bartender admitted that this was a fine tradition, and left it there.
The Irishman became a regular in the bar, and always drank the same way: He ordered three pints and drank them in turn.
One day, he came in and ordered two pints. All the other regulars took notice and fell silent.
When he came back to the bar for the second round, the bartender said: “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”
The Irishman looked quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawned and he laughed.
“Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explained.
“It’s just that my wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. But it hasn’t affected my brothers though.”
A woman hired a contractor to repaint
Three nuns who had recently died
An Irishman walked into a bar in Dublin, ordered three pints of Guinness and sat at the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finished them, he came back to the bar and ordered three more.
The bartender approached and told him: “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
The Irishman replied: “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin.
When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each me brothers and one for me self.”
The bartender admitted that this was a fine tradition, and left it there.
The Irishman became a regular in the bar, and always drank the same way: He ordered three pints and drank them in turn.
One day, he came in and ordered two pints. All the other regulars took notice and fell silent.
When he came back to the bar for the second round, the bartender said: “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”
The Irishman looked quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawned and he laughed.
“Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explained.
“It’s just that my wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. But it hasn’t affected my brothers though.”
A woman hired a contractor to repaint
Three nuns who had recently died
11.
A man who drank a lot was told by his wife “If you ever come home drunk again, I’m going to leave you”.
Regardless, that night he went out to a pub and drank a lot and was sick all over his shirt.
He told his friend, “If I go home like this my wife will leave me”.
His friend said, “I tell you what, put a twenty-pound note in your inside jacket pocket,
go home and show it to her and tell her somebody threw-up over you and he gave you the money for the dry-cleaning bill”.
He goes home and his wife’s angry at the state of him and tells him she is leaving, but he says,
“No, no, no, somebody was sick on me and he put a twenty-pound note in my jacket pocket for the dry-cleaning bill”.
His wife digs into his jacket pocket and pulls out some money.
“Then why have you got two twenty-pound notes in there?”
“Oh, the other is from the man who shat in my pants”
My buddies and I where out for a night
The Nurse Asked My Family’s
A man who drank a lot was told by his wife “If you ever come home drunk again, I’m going to leave you”.
Regardless, that night he went out to a pub and drank a lot and was sick all over his shirt.
He told his friend, “If I go home like this my wife will leave me”.
His friend said, “I tell you what, put a twenty-pound note in your inside jacket pocket,
go home and show it to her and tell her somebody threw-up over you and he gave you the money for the dry-cleaning bill”.
He goes home and his wife’s angry at the state of him and tells him she is leaving, but he says,
“No, no, no, somebody was sick on me and he put a twenty-pound note in my jacket pocket for the dry-cleaning bill”.
His wife digs into his jacket pocket and pulls out some money.
“Then why have you got two twenty-pound notes in there?”
“Oh, the other is from the man who shat in my pants”
My buddies and I where out for a night
The Nurse Asked My Family’s
12.
Three men are sitting on a park bench, enjoying the weather and bragging about their wives.
Saw nothing the first day.
The first man, tool, married a woman from Kentucky, and told her in no uncertain terms:
“When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean and tidy.”
He didn’t see any changes on the first day.
But on the second day, the house was clean and tidy.
Saw nothing
The second man, Brandon, married a woman from Virginia, and said to her:
“When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean, the laundry done, and have food ready on the table.”
On the first day he didn’t see any changes, and not on the second day either.
But on the third day, it was as he had asked.
The third brother, John, married a woman from Texas, and had said to her:
“When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean, the laundry done, and have food ready on the table.”
On the first day he didn’t see anything, and not on the second or third day either.
On the fourth day, he could see a little bit with his left eye, and had just enough mobility in his right hand to make himself a sandwich and put the dishes in the dishwasher…
A man sits down on a bar stool
A man standing at a urinal
Three men are sitting on a park bench, enjoying the weather and bragging about their wives.
Saw nothing the first day.
The first man, tool, married a woman from Kentucky, and told her in no uncertain terms:
“When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean and tidy.”
He didn’t see any changes on the first day.
But on the second day, the house was clean and tidy.
Saw nothing
The second man, Brandon, married a woman from Virginia, and said to her:
“When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean, the laundry done, and have food ready on the table.”
On the first day he didn’t see any changes, and not on the second day either.
But on the third day, it was as he had asked.
The third brother, John, married a woman from Texas, and had said to her:
“When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean, the laundry done, and have food ready on the table.”
On the first day he didn’t see anything, and not on the second or third day either.
On the fourth day, he could see a little bit with his left eye, and had just enough mobility in his right hand to make himself a sandwich and put the dishes in the dishwasher…
A man sits down on a bar stool
A man standing at a urinal
13.
One day, while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.
He’s inquiring about a particular petroleum jelly product to see how it’s being used, and by whom.
“Hello,” he starts, “I’m doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?”
“Yes. My husband and I use it during make love,” she answers.
The researcher is stunned by the blunt reply but quickly regains his composure.
“Um, er… I admire you for your honesty,” he continues.
“Can you tell me exactly how you use it?”
“Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can’t get in.”
Three Russian men are sitting in a jail
A boy is wandering in a hotel
One day, while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.
He’s inquiring about a particular petroleum jelly product to see how it’s being used, and by whom.
“Hello,” he starts, “I’m doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?”
“Yes. My husband and I use it during make love,” she answers.
The researcher is stunned by the blunt reply but quickly regains his composure.
“Um, er… I admire you for your honesty,” he continues.
“Can you tell me exactly how you use it?”
“Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can’t get in.”
Three Russian men are sitting in a jail
A boy is wandering in a hotel
14.
Bubba and Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when the decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.
They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.
Earl won 1st prize, a year’s supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti.
Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers.
Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, “Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how’s that toilet brush?”
“Not so good,” replied Bubba, “I reckon I’m gonna go back to paper.”
A pretty girl Walking up to a department store
He was met at the Pearly Gates
Bubba and Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when the decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.
They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.
Earl won 1st prize, a year’s supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti.
Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers.
Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, “Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how’s that toilet brush?”
“Not so good,” replied Bubba, “I reckon I’m gonna go back to paper.”
A pretty girl Walking up to a department store
He was met at the Pearly Gates
15.
A priest is drowning in a river…
A boat comes along and asks to help him. He says “leave me alone, god will save me.”
The next day another boat came along and asked to help him.
Again he said “leave me alone, god will save me. ”
The next day the last boat came and asked to help him.
Once again he told the boat that god will save him. The next day he died.
He went to heaven and asked god “why didn’t you save me.
” God said “I sent you three f*****ing boats and you didn’t take them! “
I was playing a big game of hide and seek
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home
A priest is drowning in a river…
A boat comes along and asks to help him. He says “leave me alone, god will save me.”
The next day another boat came along and asked to help him.
Again he said “leave me alone, god will save me. ”
The next day the last boat came and asked to help him.
Once again he told the boat that god will save him. The next day he died.
He went to heaven and asked god “why didn’t you save me.
” God said “I sent you three f*****ing boats and you didn’t take them! “
I was playing a big game of hide and seek
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home
16.
A Help desk guy speaking to an old lady user.
Help desk: Double click on “My Computer”.
An Old Lady: I can’t see your computer…
Help desk: No… click on “My Computer” on your computer.
An Old Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer???!!
Help desk: there is an icon labelled “My Computer” on your computer double click on it.
An Old Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer??!!!
Two men are sitting at a bar
Bill and Doug were having a beer
A Help desk guy speaking to an old lady user.
Help desk: Double click on “My Computer”.
An Old Lady: I can’t see your computer…
Help desk: No… click on “My Computer” on your computer.
An Old Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer???!!
Help desk: there is an icon labelled “My Computer” on your computer double click on it.
An Old Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer??!!!
Two men are sitting at a bar
Bill and Doug were having a beer
17.
Three men attend a job interview to join the FBI.
The first man walked into the office, and the FBI agent who was conducting the interview explained: ‘To be in the FBI, you must be loyal, dedicated and willing to obey orders.
Here’s the scenario: your wife is sitting on a chair in the next room, and I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.’
The man took the gun, but then hesitated and said: ‘Sorry, I can’t do it.’
Next it was the second man’s turn to be interviewed.
The FBI agent told him: ‘To be in the FBI, you must be loyal, dedicated and willing to obey orders.
Here’s the scenario: your wife is sitting on a chair in the next room, and I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.’
The man took the gun, walked out again. ‘Sorry,’ he said, ‘I can’t do it.’
Finally it was the third man’s turn.
The FBI agent told him: ‘To be in the FBI, you must be loyal, dedicated and willing to obey orders.
Here’s the scenario: your wife is sitting on a chair in the next room, and I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.’
The man took the gun and went into the room.
The agent heard six shots, silence, then a lot of screaming.
Seconds later the man came out of the room, saying: ‘Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks, so I had to beat her to death with the chair!’
A man sees an ad for a $50 cruise
Four freshman partied too hard
Three men attend a job interview to join the FBI.
The first man walked into the office, and the FBI agent who was conducting the interview explained: ‘To be in the FBI, you must be loyal, dedicated and willing to obey orders.
Here’s the scenario: your wife is sitting on a chair in the next room, and I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.’
The man took the gun, but then hesitated and said: ‘Sorry, I can’t do it.’
Next it was the second man’s turn to be interviewed.
The FBI agent told him: ‘To be in the FBI, you must be loyal, dedicated and willing to obey orders.
Here’s the scenario: your wife is sitting on a chair in the next room, and I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.’
The man took the gun, walked out again. ‘Sorry,’ he said, ‘I can’t do it.’
Finally it was the third man’s turn.
The FBI agent told him: ‘To be in the FBI, you must be loyal, dedicated and willing to obey orders.
Here’s the scenario: your wife is sitting on a chair in the next room, and I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.’
The man took the gun and went into the room.
The agent heard six shots, silence, then a lot of screaming.
Seconds later the man came out of the room, saying: ‘Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks, so I had to beat her to death with the chair!’
A man sees an ad for a $50 cruise
Four freshman partied too hard
18.
A 7 year old son came in from school today and asked me:
“Dad, what kind of mouse can walk on 2 legs?”
“Erm, I don’t know” I replied
“Mickey Mouse” he replied laughing.
“Dad, what kind of duck can walk on 2 legs.”
“Donald Duck” I replied.
“No, all ducks you idiot.”
A elderly couple is having their 75th anniversary
She asks the doctor about her baby
A 7 year old son came in from school today and asked me:
“Dad, what kind of mouse can walk on 2 legs?”
“Erm, I don’t know” I replied
“Mickey Mouse” he replied laughing.
“Dad, what kind of duck can walk on 2 legs.”
“Donald Duck” I replied.
“No, all ducks you idiot.”
A elderly couple is having their 75th anniversary
She asks the doctor about her baby
19.
The first one married a woman from Minneapolis, and said to her:
“When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean and tidy.”
He didn’t see any changes on the first day, but on the second day the house was clean and tidy.
The second brother married a woman from Dallas, and said to her:
“When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean, the laundry done, and have food ready on the table.”
On the first day he didn’t see any changes, and not on the second day either, but on the third day it was as he had asked.
The third brother married a woman from Detroit, and said to her:
“When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean, the laundry done, and have food ready on the table.”
On the first day he didn’t see anything, and not on the second or third day either.
On the fourth day he could see a little bit with his left eye, and had just enough mobility in his right hand to make himself a sandwich.
A man is in bed with his wife
Mailmen Get It Regular
The first one married a woman from Minneapolis, and said to her:
“When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean and tidy.”
He didn’t see any changes on the first day, but on the second day the house was clean and tidy.
The second brother married a woman from Dallas, and said to her:
“When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean, the laundry done, and have food ready on the table.”
On the first day he didn’t see any changes, and not on the second day either, but on the third day it was as he had asked.
The third brother married a woman from Detroit, and said to her:
“When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean, the laundry done, and have food ready on the table.”
On the first day he didn’t see anything, and not on the second or third day either.
On the fourth day he could see a little bit with his left eye, and had just enough mobility in his right hand to make himself a sandwich.
A man is in bed with his wife
Mailmen Get It Regular
20.
There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son’s family on weekends.
Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old Little Johnny out for a drive in the car for some quality time pancakes, ice cream, candy just him and his grandson.
One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed.
He knew his grandson always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed.
Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take The Little Johnny for his weekly drive and breakfast.
When they returned, the little Johnny anxiously ran upstairs to see his grandfather who was still in bed.
“Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?” he asked.
“Not really, Papa, it was boring. We didn’t see a single man queer, piece of sh!!!!t, horse’s , tree hugger, socialist left-wing pr!!!!, blind man , and son of a b*** anywhere we went!
We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I really didn’t have any fun.”
A elderly husband and wife noticed
A couple that has been dating
There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son’s family on weekends.
Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old Little Johnny out for a drive in the car for some quality time pancakes, ice cream, candy just him and his grandson.
One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed.
He knew his grandson always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed.
Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take The Little Johnny for his weekly drive and breakfast.
When they returned, the little Johnny anxiously ran upstairs to see his grandfather who was still in bed.
“Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?” he asked.
“Not really, Papa, it was boring. We didn’t see a single man queer, piece of sh!!!!t, horse’s , tree hugger, socialist left-wing pr!!!!, blind man , and son of a b*** anywhere we went!
We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I really didn’t have any fun.”
A elderly husband and wife noticed
A couple that has been dating
21.
A drunk ice fisherman drills a hole in the ice and peers into it.
As he does so, a loud voice from above says,
“There are no fish down there.”
So the drunk fisherman walks several yards away and drills another hole.
As he peers into it he again hears a voice say,
“There’s no fish down there.”
So he walks about 20 yards away and drills another hole.
Once again the voice says,
“There’s no fish down there.”
The fisherman looks up to the sky and asks,
“God, is that you?”
“No, you idiot,” says the voice.
“It’s the rink manager.”
A elderly woman went to the doctor
A farmer walked into a bar
A drunk ice fisherman drills a hole in the ice and peers into it.
As he does so, a loud voice from above says,
“There are no fish down there.”
So the drunk fisherman walks several yards away and drills another hole.
As he peers into it he again hears a voice say,
“There’s no fish down there.”
So he walks about 20 yards away and drills another hole.
Once again the voice says,
“There’s no fish down there.”
The fisherman looks up to the sky and asks,
“God, is that you?”
“No, you idiot,” says the voice.
“It’s the rink manager.”
A elderly woman went to the doctor
A farmer walked into a bar
22.
Guy calls in to his Boss.
Worker: I can’t come to work today. I’m sick
Boss: Oh yea! What’s wrong with you now?
Worker: I have anal glaucoma.
Boss: What the hell is that?
Worker: I just can’t see my bum working today.
A man dies goes to Heaven
A group of soldiers stood in formation
Guy calls in to his Boss.
Worker: I can’t come to work today. I’m sick
Boss: Oh yea! What’s wrong with you now?
Worker: I have anal glaucoma.
Boss: What the hell is that?
Worker: I just can’t see my bum working today.
A man dies goes to Heaven
A group of soldiers stood in formation
23.
A golfer was having a tough day and in his frustration he blurted out, “I would give anything for a birdie on this h*le.”
A nearby stranger walked out of the woods beside the h*le and whispered, “If you give up one quarter of your make love life, I guarantee you will make this shot.”
The golfer said “OK.”
He made the shot for birdie.
A few h*les later, he was having trouble on another h*le.
“Please, let me make this for eagle” he said.
Again, the stranger stepped up to him and said, “If you give up another quarter of your make love life, you will make eagle.”
“You’re on,” the golfer said, and made the shot for eagle.
On the eighteenth hole, the golfer needed an eagle to win.
The stranger again stepped up and said “If you give up the last half of your lovemaking life, you will make eagle to win.”
“OK,” the golfer said, and made his shot for eagle, winning the round.
As he was walking back to the clubhouse, the stranger walked up beside him and said, “I think I should inform you that I am the Devil, and from now on you will have no lovemaking life.”
The golfer turned to him, smiled, and said, “Nice to meet you, my name is Father O’Malley!”
A college teacher reminds her class
A man went to the doctor
A golfer was having a tough day and in his frustration he blurted out, “I would give anything for a birdie on this h*le.”
A nearby stranger walked out of the woods beside the h*le and whispered, “If you give up one quarter of your make love life, I guarantee you will make this shot.”
The golfer said “OK.”
He made the shot for birdie.
A few h*les later, he was having trouble on another h*le.
“Please, let me make this for eagle” he said.
Again, the stranger stepped up to him and said, “If you give up another quarter of your make love life, you will make eagle.”
“You’re on,” the golfer said, and made the shot for eagle.
On the eighteenth hole, the golfer needed an eagle to win.
The stranger again stepped up and said “If you give up the last half of your lovemaking life, you will make eagle to win.”
“OK,” the golfer said, and made his shot for eagle, winning the round.
As he was walking back to the clubhouse, the stranger walked up beside him and said, “I think I should inform you that I am the Devil, and from now on you will have no lovemaking life.”
The golfer turned to him, smiled, and said, “Nice to meet you, my name is Father O’Malley!”
A college teacher reminds her class
A man went to the doctor
24.
A group of racist Americans imprison a Mexican and plan to take him out
The Mexican insists he became an American citizen.
The Americans promise to let him go if he can prove it by answering their questions.
One of the Americans threatened, “There’s nothin’ I hate more than hearing someone speakin’ anything other than
the American language.
If I catch you speaking just a lick of Spanish on our precious American soil
we’ll immediately deport you with or without a proper quiz.
Do you think I’m bluffing?!”
The Mexican answered “No.”
The Mexican was immediately deported.
Good Old Days
Woman v/s Umbrella Thief
A group of racist Americans imprison a Mexican and plan to take him out
The Mexican insists he became an American citizen.
The Americans promise to let him go if he can prove it by answering their questions.
One of the Americans threatened, “There’s nothin’ I hate more than hearing someone speakin’ anything other than
the American language.
If I catch you speaking just a lick of Spanish on our precious American soil
we’ll immediately deport you with or without a proper quiz.
Do you think I’m bluffing?!”
The Mexican answered “No.”
The Mexican was immediately deported.
Good Old Days
Woman v/s Umbrella Thief
25.
Two Hillbillies sitting in a Diner having a bite to eat.
After the meal they start to discuss their plans to expand the family moonshine business.
All of a sudden, the woman on the table next to theirs starts to cough.
It’s going on for a while, so Billy-Bob walks over and asks ‘kin ye swalla..?’
the woman shakes her head..
‘Kin ye breeve?’
as she turns a shade of blue, the woman shakes her head again
Without a seconds thought Billy-Bob lifts her dress, pulls her p**ties down and gives a long wet lick to her right b*m cheek.
So shocked by this the woman’s body shuddered with disgust and the blockage cleared with a jolt.
Billy-bob walks back to his table, Billy-Ray turns in amazement… ‘I done did hear about that Hind Lick Maneuver, but i didn’t see it be done before!’
A plane crashes
A woman was having a daytime affair
Two Hillbillies sitting in a Diner having a bite to eat.
After the meal they start to discuss their plans to expand the family moonshine business.
All of a sudden, the woman on the table next to theirs starts to cough.
It’s going on for a while, so Billy-Bob walks over and asks ‘kin ye swalla..?’
the woman shakes her head..
‘Kin ye breeve?’
as she turns a shade of blue, the woman shakes her head again
Without a seconds thought Billy-Bob lifts her dress, pulls her p**ties down and gives a long wet lick to her right b*m cheek.
So shocked by this the woman’s body shuddered with disgust and the blockage cleared with a jolt.
Billy-bob walks back to his table, Billy-Ray turns in amazement… ‘I done did hear about that Hind Lick Maneuver, but i didn’t see it be done before!’
A plane crashes
A woman was having a daytime affair
26.
Mr. john goes to the doctor for a check up.
After extensive tests the doctor tells him, “I’m afraid I have some bad news for you. You only have six months to live.”
Mr. john is dumbstruck.
After a while he replies, “That’s terrible doctor. But I must admit to you that I can’t afford to pay your bill.”
“Ok,” says the doctor, “I’ll give you a year to live.”
A man comes home
A Hunter walking through the jungle
Mr. john goes to the doctor for a check up.
After extensive tests the doctor tells him, “I’m afraid I have some bad news for you. You only have six months to live.”
Mr. john is dumbstruck.
After a while he replies, “That’s terrible doctor. But I must admit to you that I can’t afford to pay your bill.”
“Ok,” says the doctor, “I’ll give you a year to live.”
A man comes home
A Hunter walking through the jungle
27.
An old owl was perched on a tree on top of a hill one very cold night.
He looked down in the valley and saw a light in a window so he decided to fly down to the window ledge in hopes there was some warmth escaping.
Well sure enough it was warm, so he fell fast asleep.
He didn’t know that there were two veterinary students inside studying for final exams.
The two veterinary students spotted the owl and decided to use him as practice.
They eased the window open and gassed him.
The first student looked down the owls throat and said he has tonsillitis, so he operated.
The other looked at his butt and announced that the owl had hemorrhoids, so he operated.
They placed the owl back out on the ledge.
The owl woke up very groggy and flew away.
The next winter that same owl was perched on the same tree on a very cold night.
A young owl landed next to him and said brrrr it sure is cold out tonight.
The old owl agreed.
The young owl noticed there was a light down in the valley and suggested they both fly down there to the window ledge and maybe find some escaping heat.
The old owl replied “no way”, last year I did the same thing, passed out, woke up drunk and for the next six weeks I couldn’t sh!t worth a hoot or hoot worth a sh!t.
Joe was sitting at a bar
A alabama sheriff went fishing
An old owl was perched on a tree on top of a hill one very cold night.
He looked down in the valley and saw a light in a window so he decided to fly down to the window ledge in hopes there was some warmth escaping.
Well sure enough it was warm, so he fell fast asleep.
He didn’t know that there were two veterinary students inside studying for final exams.
The two veterinary students spotted the owl and decided to use him as practice.
They eased the window open and gassed him.
The first student looked down the owls throat and said he has tonsillitis, so he operated.
The other looked at his butt and announced that the owl had hemorrhoids, so he operated.
They placed the owl back out on the ledge.
The owl woke up very groggy and flew away.
The next winter that same owl was perched on the same tree on a very cold night.
A young owl landed next to him and said brrrr it sure is cold out tonight.
The old owl agreed.
The young owl noticed there was a light down in the valley and suggested they both fly down there to the window ledge and maybe find some escaping heat.
The old owl replied “no way”, last year I did the same thing, passed out, woke up drunk and for the next six weeks I couldn’t sh!t worth a hoot or hoot worth a sh!t.
Joe was sitting at a bar
A alabama sheriff went fishing
28.
A German officer watches over his outpost during the Great War.
He’s polishing his handgun when one of his soldiers below sounds the alarm.
Down he rushes, gun in hand, to see a battle going on between his men and the British.
He joins his men, and the fight seems to go on for hours.
The gunfire only stops when out of the sky comes an artillery shell, destroying the building and knocking the officer unconscious.
The German finally is awakened, hurt but alive, by screams and cries for help.
He picks himself up and rushes to help, and before him lays a single living man, crushed underneath the debris of the roof.
He moves to help the young Brit, using the rest of his strength to pull him out of the rubble.
The man’s legs are crushed, and his stomach filled with large splinters.
“You’re bleeding out, my friend,” the officer sighs, slumping down next to him.
“Zere is nothing I can do to help you. All I can do is keep you company in your last moments.”
The Brit shakily sighs, breathing heavily as he looks over himself, giving the German a nod.
The older man looks up towards the starry sky and speaks: “Ze stars will calm you.”
They both find themselves looking at the stars, and time passes.
Eventually, they see a streak of light across the night sky.
“A shooting star,” the young man says with a weak smile.
The German just laughs.
“What’s so funny?”
“Ah, forgive me. Zere is a saying in Deustchland:
‘You vill always find ze best jokes in ze comets.’”
It’s the World Cup Final
A couple was walking down their street
A German officer watches over his outpost during the Great War.
He’s polishing his handgun when one of his soldiers below sounds the alarm.
Down he rushes, gun in hand, to see a battle going on between his men and the British.
He joins his men, and the fight seems to go on for hours.
The gunfire only stops when out of the sky comes an artillery shell, destroying the building and knocking the officer unconscious.
The German finally is awakened, hurt but alive, by screams and cries for help.
He picks himself up and rushes to help, and before him lays a single living man, crushed underneath the debris of the roof.
He moves to help the young Brit, using the rest of his strength to pull him out of the rubble.
The man’s legs are crushed, and his stomach filled with large splinters.
“You’re bleeding out, my friend,” the officer sighs, slumping down next to him.
“Zere is nothing I can do to help you. All I can do is keep you company in your last moments.”
The Brit shakily sighs, breathing heavily as he looks over himself, giving the German a nod.
The older man looks up towards the starry sky and speaks: “Ze stars will calm you.”
They both find themselves looking at the stars, and time passes.
Eventually, they see a streak of light across the night sky.
“A shooting star,” the young man says with a weak smile.
The German just laughs.
“What’s so funny?”
“Ah, forgive me. Zere is a saying in Deustchland:
‘You vill always find ze best jokes in ze comets.’”
It’s the World Cup Final
A couple was walking down their street
29.
Three guys were walking through the desert.
All of them were thirsty, tired, and hot.
All of the sudden, one shouts that he sees a broken down car not too far ahead of them.
All three men race to the car and the first guy pops the hood and grabs the radiator.
“Whenever I get thirsty,” he tells the other two, “I’ll just take a sip from this.”
The second man runs and pulls a seat from the front and proudly declares, “whenever I get too tired, I’ll just throw this on the ground and sit on it.”
With some effort, the third guy pulls the car’s door right off and begins to carry it with him.
The other two guys, confused, asked him, “What are you going to do with that?”
The third guy replied: “If I get too hot, I’ll just roll down the window.”
Mrs. Jennings began each vocabulary
A man was driving down highway
Three guys were walking through the desert.
All of them were thirsty, tired, and hot.
All of the sudden, one shouts that he sees a broken down car not too far ahead of them.
All three men race to the car and the first guy pops the hood and grabs the radiator.
“Whenever I get thirsty,” he tells the other two, “I’ll just take a sip from this.”
The second man runs and pulls a seat from the front and proudly declares, “whenever I get too tired, I’ll just throw this on the ground and sit on it.”
With some effort, the third guy pulls the car’s door right off and begins to carry it with him.
The other two guys, confused, asked him, “What are you going to do with that?”
The third guy replied: “If I get too hot, I’ll just roll down the window.”
Mrs. Jennings began each vocabulary
A man was driving down highway
30.
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister,
“When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.”
The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.
The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After buying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch.
I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.”
The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, “It’s just 99 cents a word.”
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left.
She realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word “comfortable”.
The telegraph operator shakes his head.
“How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, “comfortable?”
The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde. The word’s big. She’ll read it slow.”
A man comes to his doctor and tells
A old man is in the surgery
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister,
“When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.”
The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.
The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After buying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch.
I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.”
The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, “It’s just 99 cents a word.”
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left.
She realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word “comfortable”.
The telegraph operator shakes his head.
“How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, “comfortable?”
The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde. The word’s big. She’ll read it slow.”
A man comes to his doctor and tells
A old man is in the surgery
Tags:
eng jokes