1.
One day a man with an elephant walks into a movie theater: “I’m afraid I can’t let your elephant in here, sir.” The manager says.
“Oh, I assure you, he’s very well behaved.” The man says.
“All right then.” The manager says.
“If you’re sure.”
After the movie, the manager says to the man.
“I’m very surprised! Your elephant was well behaved, and he even seemed to enjoy the movie!”
“Yes, I was surprised, too.” Says the man.
“He hated the book.”
A supervisor asks johnny during bible class
A Football team was on the field during practice
One day a man with an elephant walks into a movie theater: “I’m afraid I can’t let your elephant in here, sir.” The manager says.
“Oh, I assure you, he’s very well behaved.” The man says.
“All right then.” The manager says.
“If you’re sure.”
After the movie, the manager says to the man.
“I’m very surprised! Your elephant was well behaved, and he even seemed to enjoy the movie!”
“Yes, I was surprised, too.” Says the man.
“He hated the book.”
A supervisor asks johnny during bible class
A Football team was on the field during practice
2.
A man was feeling terribly out of sorts and decided to go to the doctor so he made an appointment and showed up the next day.
After the doctor examined the man, the doctor invited him into his office for the consultation.
The doctor came into the room with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor told the man to take the red pill in the morning with a big glass of water, the blue pill in the afternoon with a big glass of water and the green pill in the evening with a big glass of water.
The man, terribly shocked at the amount of pills he had to take asked the doctor what in the world was wrong with him.
The doctor replied, “You aren’t getting enough water.”
A student called up his Mom
A woman went to police station
A man was feeling terribly out of sorts and decided to go to the doctor so he made an appointment and showed up the next day.
After the doctor examined the man, the doctor invited him into his office for the consultation.
The doctor came into the room with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor told the man to take the red pill in the morning with a big glass of water, the blue pill in the afternoon with a big glass of water and the green pill in the evening with a big glass of water.
The man, terribly shocked at the amount of pills he had to take asked the doctor what in the world was wrong with him.
The doctor replied, “You aren’t getting enough water.”
A student called up his Mom
A woman went to police station
3.
A laywoman was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking space.
Looking up toward heaven, she said, “Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I’ll go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up drinking wine.”
Miraculously, a parking space opened up right in front of her destination.
The woman looked up to heaven and said, “Never mind, Lord; I found one on my own.”
A woman phoned her dentist
A husband comes home to find his wife
A laywoman was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking space.
Looking up toward heaven, she said, “Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I’ll go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up drinking wine.”
Miraculously, a parking space opened up right in front of her destination.
The woman looked up to heaven and said, “Never mind, Lord; I found one on my own.”
A woman phoned her dentist
A husband comes home to find his wife
4.
There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn’t swim.
When a boat came by, the captain yelled, “Do you need help, sir?”
The preacher calmly said “No, God will save me.”
A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, “Hey, do you need help?”
The preacher replied again, “No God will save me.”
Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven.
The preacher asked God, “Why didn’t you save me?”
God replied, “Fool, I sent you two boats!”
Jesus & Moses and an old man go golfing
A car driven by an Englishman
There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn’t swim.
When a boat came by, the captain yelled, “Do you need help, sir?”
The preacher calmly said “No, God will save me.”
A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, “Hey, do you need help?”
The preacher replied again, “No God will save me.”
Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven.
The preacher asked God, “Why didn’t you save me?”
God replied, “Fool, I sent you two boats!”
Jesus & Moses and an old man go golfing
A car driven by an Englishman
5.
A group of racist Americans imprison a Mexican and plan to take him out
The Mexican insists he became an American citizen.
The Americans promise to let him go if he can prove it by answering their questions.
One of the Americans threatened, “There’s nothin’ I hate more than hearing someone speakin’ anything other than
the American language.
If I catch you speaking just a lick of Spanish on our precious American soil
we’ll immediately deport you with or without a proper quiz.
Do you think I’m bluffing?!”
The Mexican answered “No.”
The Mexican was immediately deported.
Good Old Days
Woman v/s Umbrella Thief
A group of racist Americans imprison a Mexican and plan to take him out
The Mexican insists he became an American citizen.
The Americans promise to let him go if he can prove it by answering their questions.
One of the Americans threatened, “There’s nothin’ I hate more than hearing someone speakin’ anything other than
the American language.
If I catch you speaking just a lick of Spanish on our precious American soil
we’ll immediately deport you with or without a proper quiz.
Do you think I’m bluffing?!”
The Mexican answered “No.”
The Mexican was immediately deported.
Good Old Days
Woman v/s Umbrella Thief
6.
One night there were three female fugitives escaping from jail.
One was blonde, one was brunette and the other was a redhead.
They had the police hot on their trail and, quickly thinking the brunette points out an old, abandoned factory perfect for hiding in.
When all three were inside the redhead, quickly thinking said they should all hide in old potato sacks in the corner as they could hear the police approaching the factory.
They all got in their little potato sacks and barely a minute later the police came crashing through the door.
They looked at the sacks and said: ‘Hmm maybe they are hiding in these.’
The officer kicks the red-head’s sack and she makes whimpering noises.
‘Hmm just puppies in that sack’
The officer kicks the brunette’s sack and she makes mewing noises.
‘Hmm just kittens in that sack’ He says. He finally kicks the blonde’s sack and he hears…
‘POTATOES POTATOES!’
A blonde walks into a pharmacy
Three girls all worked in the same office
One night there were three female fugitives escaping from jail.
One was blonde, one was brunette and the other was a redhead.
They had the police hot on their trail and, quickly thinking the brunette points out an old, abandoned factory perfect for hiding in.
When all three were inside the redhead, quickly thinking said they should all hide in old potato sacks in the corner as they could hear the police approaching the factory.
They all got in their little potato sacks and barely a minute later the police came crashing through the door.
They looked at the sacks and said: ‘Hmm maybe they are hiding in these.’
The officer kicks the red-head’s sack and she makes whimpering noises.
‘Hmm just puppies in that sack’
The officer kicks the brunette’s sack and she makes mewing noises.
‘Hmm just kittens in that sack’ He says. He finally kicks the blonde’s sack and he hears…
‘POTATOES POTATOES!’
A blonde walks into a pharmacy
Three girls all worked in the same office
7.
An old man is walking along the street one morning, feeling hungry.
He sees a sign in the window of a restaurant that says, “Try our Exotic Breakfast now”
So he walks in and sits down at a table.
The waitress comes over and asks what he wants.
The old man asks, “What’s your Exotic Breakfast?”
“Baked tongue of chicken,” she proudly replies.
The old man shouts, “Baked tongue of chicken! Have you any idea how disgusting that is? I’d never even think about eating anything that came out of a chicken’s mouth! Urgh!!”
The waitress is a little taken aback, but stays calm and asks him, “No problem, sir. What would you prefer, then?”
The old man says, “Just bring me some scrambled eggs.”
A man is getting into the shower
A mother mouse and a baby mouse
An old man is walking along the street one morning, feeling hungry.
He sees a sign in the window of a restaurant that says, “Try our Exotic Breakfast now”
So he walks in and sits down at a table.
The waitress comes over and asks what he wants.
The old man asks, “What’s your Exotic Breakfast?”
“Baked tongue of chicken,” she proudly replies.
The old man shouts, “Baked tongue of chicken! Have you any idea how disgusting that is? I’d never even think about eating anything that came out of a chicken’s mouth! Urgh!!”
The waitress is a little taken aback, but stays calm and asks him, “No problem, sir. What would you prefer, then?”
The old man says, “Just bring me some scrambled eggs.”
A man is getting into the shower
A mother mouse and a baby mouse
8.
This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates.
He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book.
He’s checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not.
Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, “You know, I can’t see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.
Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you’re in.”
The guy thinks for a moment and says, “Well, there was this one time when I was driving’ down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that’s what they were doing. There were about 50 of ’em torturing this chick.
Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang.
He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear.
As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.
So I ripped the leader’s chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron.
Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, ‘Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You’re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'”
St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, “Really? Wow, when did all this happen?”
“Er.. about two minutes ago.”
He immediately turns to her
A elderly lady was well-known
This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates.
He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book.
He’s checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not.
Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, “You know, I can’t see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.
Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you’re in.”
The guy thinks for a moment and says, “Well, there was this one time when I was driving’ down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that’s what they were doing. There were about 50 of ’em torturing this chick.
Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang.
He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear.
As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.
So I ripped the leader’s chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron.
Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, ‘Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You’re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'”
St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, “Really? Wow, when did all this happen?”
“Er.. about two minutes ago.”
He immediately turns to her
A elderly lady was well-known
9.
A guy went fishing with his friend and had to ask, “Where is that new rod and reel you had the last time we went fishing? I can’t help but notice that you’re using a stick a string and a safety pin for a hook.”
His friend replied, “My wife thinks I’m wasting money so I told her I’d take the new rod and reel back if I didn’t catch a fish… any more questions?”
“Yes, why didn’t you go to the market and buy a fish to take home? If you remember that’s what I did last year so I could keep my fishing gear.”
His friend answered, “I did, but I forgot to take it out of the package!”
Two kids are talking to each other
A grandfather and grandson were hike together
A guy went fishing with his friend and had to ask, “Where is that new rod and reel you had the last time we went fishing? I can’t help but notice that you’re using a stick a string and a safety pin for a hook.”
His friend replied, “My wife thinks I’m wasting money so I told her I’d take the new rod and reel back if I didn’t catch a fish… any more questions?”
“Yes, why didn’t you go to the market and buy a fish to take home? If you remember that’s what I did last year so I could keep my fishing gear.”
His friend answered, “I did, but I forgot to take it out of the package!”
Two kids are talking to each other
A grandfather and grandson were hike together
10.
Once while travelling, Tenali Rama found himself in the company of a group of soldiers.
They were all veterans of war and soon they got to talking about their experiences on the battlefield.
One old soldier told of the time he had single-handedly slain seven enemy soldiers.
Another gave a detailed description of the manner in which he had held an entire enemy battalion at bay.
When they had finished they looked condescendingly at Rama.
“I don’t suppose you have any adventure worth telling,” said one of the grizzled warriors.
“Oh, but I have,” said Rama
“You have?!” said the soldiers.
“Yes,” said Rama
“Once while travelling I chanced upon a large tent
I entered and there, lying on a mat was the largest man I had ever seen.
I recognised him at once as a dreaded dacoit who had been terrorising that part of the country for years!”
“What did you do?” asked the soldiers, their interest now fully aroused.
“I cut off his toe and ran for dear life,” said Rama.
“His toe?” said a soldier.
“Why toe? You should have cut off his head while you had the chance!”
“Somebody had already done that,” said Rama, grinning.
The Dog, The Rooster And The Fox
The Sufi master Shams Tabrizi’s disciples
Once while travelling, Tenali Rama found himself in the company of a group of soldiers.
They were all veterans of war and soon they got to talking about their experiences on the battlefield.
One old soldier told of the time he had single-handedly slain seven enemy soldiers.
Another gave a detailed description of the manner in which he had held an entire enemy battalion at bay.
When they had finished they looked condescendingly at Rama.
“I don’t suppose you have any adventure worth telling,” said one of the grizzled warriors.
“Oh, but I have,” said Rama
“You have?!” said the soldiers.
“Yes,” said Rama
“Once while travelling I chanced upon a large tent
I entered and there, lying on a mat was the largest man I had ever seen.
I recognised him at once as a dreaded dacoit who had been terrorising that part of the country for years!”
“What did you do?” asked the soldiers, their interest now fully aroused.
“I cut off his toe and ran for dear life,” said Rama.
“His toe?” said a soldier.
“Why toe? You should have cut off his head while you had the chance!”
“Somebody had already done that,” said Rama, grinning.
The Dog, The Rooster And The Fox
The Sufi master Shams Tabrizi’s disciples
11.
John was talking to his fiance, Rebecca.
He said, “Be honest now, baby, how am I as a lover?”
To which she replied, “Honey, I would definitely say that you’re warm.”
“Really?” he asked excitedly.
“Yes, in fact I would say that you’re the dictionary definition of the word ‘warm.'”
John was pleased until he went home and just for fun, checked his dictionary and found, “WARM: Not so hot.”
Two guys are walking through
Two women are walking home
John was talking to his fiance, Rebecca.
He said, “Be honest now, baby, how am I as a lover?”
To which she replied, “Honey, I would definitely say that you’re warm.”
“Really?” he asked excitedly.
“Yes, in fact I would say that you’re the dictionary definition of the word ‘warm.'”
John was pleased until he went home and just for fun, checked his dictionary and found, “WARM: Not so hot.”
Two guys are walking through
Two women are walking home
12.
A blonde walks into the library.
She walks up to the counter, slams a book down and screams at the librarian,
“This is the worst book I’ve ever read!
It has no plot and far too many characters!”
The librarian looks up and calmly remarks,
“So, you’re the one who took our phone book…”
Three men and woman are travelling on a train
One day a father and son
A blonde walks into the library.
She walks up to the counter, slams a book down and screams at the librarian,
“This is the worst book I’ve ever read!
It has no plot and far too many characters!”
The librarian looks up and calmly remarks,
“So, you’re the one who took our phone book…”
Three men and woman are travelling on a train
One day a father and son
13.
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,
“Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”
His wife got up, Kissed him ever so gently, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
Two women go out one night
A nun teaching Sunday school
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,
“Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”
His wife got up, Kissed him ever so gently, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
Two women go out one night
A nun teaching Sunday school
14.
There was once a mysterious man, six feet and seven inches tall who had ventured his way to the freezing north.
Desperate for money in an unfamiliar land, he thought of an idea.
He sat down in the middle of the street, and put up a sign.
It said: ‘Bring excitement to my face, and I’ll give you $1,000,000.
But if you fail, you give me $1.’
Soon, pedestrians started taking a chance on this strong, young man’s bet.
They stood on their hands and did backflips, but to no avail.
Dollar by dollar, the man started accumulating his wealth.
The legend of the unexcitable man soon spread all across the lakeshore.
A solider fired his machine gun in front of our mystery man, but got no reaction.
An ant deadlifted an elephant, but got no reaction.
A woman brought a talking dog to him, but he still showed no emotion.
Years later, after becoming a multimillionaire, the tall man finally took the sign down with his freakishly large hands. It was over.
No one had ever won the bet.
A young girl walked up to him and asked, ‘How were you able to maintain your focus for so long?
What did you think to yourself in your many years of silence?’
The man finally cracked a smile and said, ‘bored man gets paid.’
One smart father goes to his son
3 guys crash land on an island
There was once a mysterious man, six feet and seven inches tall who had ventured his way to the freezing north.
Desperate for money in an unfamiliar land, he thought of an idea.
He sat down in the middle of the street, and put up a sign.
It said: ‘Bring excitement to my face, and I’ll give you $1,000,000.
But if you fail, you give me $1.’
Soon, pedestrians started taking a chance on this strong, young man’s bet.
They stood on their hands and did backflips, but to no avail.
Dollar by dollar, the man started accumulating his wealth.
The legend of the unexcitable man soon spread all across the lakeshore.
A solider fired his machine gun in front of our mystery man, but got no reaction.
An ant deadlifted an elephant, but got no reaction.
A woman brought a talking dog to him, but he still showed no emotion.
Years later, after becoming a multimillionaire, the tall man finally took the sign down with his freakishly large hands. It was over.
No one had ever won the bet.
A young girl walked up to him and asked, ‘How were you able to maintain your focus for so long?
What did you think to yourself in your many years of silence?’
The man finally cracked a smile and said, ‘bored man gets paid.’
One smart father goes to his son
3 guys crash land on an island
15.
A man walked into an insurance office and asked two senior executives for a job.
“We’re not taking on new staff,” they said.
“But you can’t afford to be without me,” insisted the man.
“I can sell insurance to anybody, anywhere, anytime.”
“Okay,” they said.
“Prove it. There are two prospective clients who have resisted all our attempts to sell them a policy. If you can sell to just one of them, you’re hired.”
The guy was gone for around two hours, but when he returned he handed over two cheques one for a $75,000 policy and another for a $50,000 policy.
“How in the world did you manage that?” asked the executives.
“I told you: I’m the world’s best insurance salesman.”
“There’s just one thing,” they said. “Did you get a urine sample?”
A woman goes into a toy shop
A woman was out driving
A man walked into an insurance office and asked two senior executives for a job.
“We’re not taking on new staff,” they said.
“But you can’t afford to be without me,” insisted the man.
“I can sell insurance to anybody, anywhere, anytime.”
“Okay,” they said.
“Prove it. There are two prospective clients who have resisted all our attempts to sell them a policy. If you can sell to just one of them, you’re hired.”
The guy was gone for around two hours, but when he returned he handed over two cheques one for a $75,000 policy and another for a $50,000 policy.
“How in the world did you manage that?” asked the executives.
“I told you: I’m the world’s best insurance salesman.”
“There’s just one thing,” they said. “Did you get a urine sample?”
A woman goes into a toy shop
A woman was out driving
16.
A man and his wife enter a dentist’s office.
The wife says “I need a tooth pulled.
No gas or Novocain!
I’m in a terrible hurry.
Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.”
“You’re a brave woman,” says the dentist.
“Now, show me which tooth it is.”
The wife turns to her husband and says:
“Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is,dear”
A elderly Pope goes to New York
A little girl was talking to teacher
A man and his wife enter a dentist’s office.
The wife says “I need a tooth pulled.
No gas or Novocain!
I’m in a terrible hurry.
Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.”
“You’re a brave woman,” says the dentist.
“Now, show me which tooth it is.”
The wife turns to her husband and says:
“Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is,dear”
A elderly Pope goes to New York
A little girl was talking to teacher
17.
The farmer’s son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken’s his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open.
Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighbourhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate.
Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.
“Pa, the chickens got loose,” the boy confessed sadly, “but I managed to find all twelve of them.”
“Well, you did good, son!” the farmer beamed
“You left with seven!”
A Polish man had married a Canadian girl
A Irishman was terribly overweight
The farmer’s son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken’s his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open.
Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighbourhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate.
Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.
“Pa, the chickens got loose,” the boy confessed sadly, “but I managed to find all twelve of them.”
“Well, you did good, son!” the farmer beamed
“You left with seven!”
A Polish man had married a Canadian girl
A Irishman was terribly overweight
18.
During lunch at work last week, I ate 3 plates of beans
When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table.
I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang.
He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump!
I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more.
The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable!
Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.
He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses.
Three guys are on a plane
One day there was this little girl watching TV
During lunch at work last week, I ate 3 plates of beans
When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table.
I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang.
He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump!
I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more.
The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable!
Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.
He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses.
Three guys are on a plane
One day there was this little girl watching TV
19.
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on gurneys next to each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”
The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”
The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze.”
The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?”
The first kid says, “A circumcision.”
And the second kid says, “Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born… Couldn’t walk for a year.
A man goes into a bar and seats himself
A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on gurneys next to each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”
The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”
The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze.”
The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?”
The first kid says, “A circumcision.”
And the second kid says, “Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born… Couldn’t walk for a year.
A man goes into a bar and seats himself
A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship
20.
I have such a dilemma.
There is a guy at my gym with no legs.
And I feel really awkward around him every time I see him.
So I tried to make a connection.
I said, ‘Hey Dan. Working on arms again today?’
A squirrel
You Know You’re Addicted
I have such a dilemma.
There is a guy at my gym with no legs.
And I feel really awkward around him every time I see him.
So I tried to make a connection.
I said, ‘Hey Dan. Working on arms again today?’
A squirrel
You Know You’re Addicted
21.
A Chinese man had three daughters; he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.
“I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest”, said the eldest daughter.
He then asked his second daughter whom she would like to marry.
“I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest”, said the second daughter.
He finally asked his youngest daughter whom she would like to marry.
“I would like to marry a man with one dragging’ on the ground”, said the youngest daughter.
A very shy guy goes into a pub
Billy came home from school
A Chinese man had three daughters; he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.
“I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest”, said the eldest daughter.
He then asked his second daughter whom she would like to marry.
“I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest”, said the second daughter.
He finally asked his youngest daughter whom she would like to marry.
“I would like to marry a man with one dragging’ on the ground”, said the youngest daughter.
A very shy guy goes into a pub
Billy came home from school
22.
The guy knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.”
He walks up to him and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.”
“Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,” he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask,
“So, how long have you been wearing one?”
“Ever since my wife found it in my truck.”
A cowboy
A six-foot beetle standing
The guy knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.”
He walks up to him and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.”
“Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,” he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask,
“So, how long have you been wearing one?”
“Ever since my wife found it in my truck.”
A cowboy
A six-foot beetle standing
23.
After the honeymoon, the new wife tells her husband, “I think it’s time for you to stop playing golf. In fact, you might as well sell all of your clubs.”
The husband replies, “You’re starting to sound like my ex-wife.”
His wife says, “I thought you said you’ve never been married before?”
The husband says, “I haven’t.”
A man and his wife are dining at a table
A woman decides to prove her intelligence
After the honeymoon, the new wife tells her husband, “I think it’s time for you to stop playing golf. In fact, you might as well sell all of your clubs.”
The husband replies, “You’re starting to sound like my ex-wife.”
His wife says, “I thought you said you’ve never been married before?”
The husband says, “I haven’t.”
A man and his wife are dining at a table
A woman decides to prove her intelligence
24.
A carpenter went home after shutting down his workshop.
A black poisonous cobra entered his workshop.
The cobra was hungry and hoped to find its supper lurking somewhere within.
It slithered from one end to another and accidentally bumped into a double-edged metal axe and got very slightly injured.
In anger and seeking revenge, the snake bit the axe with full force.
What could a bite do to a metallic axe? Instead the cobra’s mouth started bleeding.
Out of fury and arrogance, the cobra tried its best to strangle and kill the object that was causing it pain by wrapping itself very tightly around the blades.
The next day when the carpenter opened the workshop, he found a seriously cut, dead cobra wrapped around the axe blades.
The cobra died not because of someone else’s fault but faced these consequences merely because of its own anger and wrath.
Sometimes when angry, we try to cause harm to others but as time passes by, we realise that we have caused more harm to ourselves.
For a happy life, it’s best we should learn to ignore and overlook some things, people, incidents, affairs and matters.
It is not necessary that we show a reaction to everything.
Step back and ask yourself if the matter is really worth responding or reacting to.
Lets treat people with kindness even if they hurt you.
People that show no inclination to change, are best handled with silence and prayer.
This story can help us take some good decisions.
One day a city mouse went to visit his friend
A man walks into the front door of a bar
A carpenter went home after shutting down his workshop.
A black poisonous cobra entered his workshop.
The cobra was hungry and hoped to find its supper lurking somewhere within.
It slithered from one end to another and accidentally bumped into a double-edged metal axe and got very slightly injured.
In anger and seeking revenge, the snake bit the axe with full force.
What could a bite do to a metallic axe? Instead the cobra’s mouth started bleeding.
Out of fury and arrogance, the cobra tried its best to strangle and kill the object that was causing it pain by wrapping itself very tightly around the blades.
The next day when the carpenter opened the workshop, he found a seriously cut, dead cobra wrapped around the axe blades.
The cobra died not because of someone else’s fault but faced these consequences merely because of its own anger and wrath.
Sometimes when angry, we try to cause harm to others but as time passes by, we realise that we have caused more harm to ourselves.
For a happy life, it’s best we should learn to ignore and overlook some things, people, incidents, affairs and matters.
It is not necessary that we show a reaction to everything.
Step back and ask yourself if the matter is really worth responding or reacting to.
Lets treat people with kindness even if they hurt you.
People that show no inclination to change, are best handled with silence and prayer.
This story can help us take some good decisions.
One day a city mouse went to visit his friend
A man walks into the front door of a bar
25.
A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit.
The prosecutor opened his questioning with, “Where were you the night of August 24th?”
“Objection!” said the defense attorney. “Irrelevant!”
“Oh, that’s okay,” said the blonde from the witness stand.
“I don’t mind answering the question.”
“I object!” the defense said again.
“No, really,” said the blonde. “I’ll answer.”
The judge ruled: “If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object.”
So the prosecutor repeated the question: “Where were you the night of August 24th?”
The blonde replied brightly, “I don’t know.”
A bride tells her husband
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables
A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit.
The prosecutor opened his questioning with, “Where were you the night of August 24th?”
“Objection!” said the defense attorney. “Irrelevant!”
“Oh, that’s okay,” said the blonde from the witness stand.
“I don’t mind answering the question.”
“I object!” the defense said again.
“No, really,” said the blonde. “I’ll answer.”
The judge ruled: “If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object.”
So the prosecutor repeated the question: “Where were you the night of August 24th?”
The blonde replied brightly, “I don’t know.”
A bride tells her husband
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables
26.
A plumber was called to a woman’s apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe.
When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked babe, and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.
About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans.
“That was my husband,” she said, “He’s on his way home, but he’s going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off.”
The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. “What? On my own time??”
Two women were playing a round of golf
A guy walks into the human resources department
A plumber was called to a woman’s apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe.
When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked babe, and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.
About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans.
“That was my husband,” she said, “He’s on his way home, but he’s going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off.”
The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. “What? On my own time??”
Two women were playing a round of golf
A guy walks into the human resources department
27.
All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.
One knight told his best friend,
“My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world.
It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her.
Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend,
I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade.”
The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.
Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.
A horseman approached. It was the knight’s best friend.
He said, “Hey, you gave me the wrong key…!!”
Bob was fixing a door
The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang
All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.
One knight told his best friend,
“My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world.
It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her.
Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend,
I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade.”
The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.
Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.
A horseman approached. It was the knight’s best friend.
He said, “Hey, you gave me the wrong key…!!”
Bob was fixing a door
The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang
28.
If you’re ever feeling a bit too sure of yourself after drinking, just think back on this story!
A wife goes out for the night with her girlfriends just before she leaves, she assures her husband that she won’t be home any later than midnight: “I promise, honey.”
Unfortunately, that night happened to be ladies’ night, which meant the c*cktails were only half the usual price.
She had a great time, and before she knew it it had gotten really late.
As she finally arrives home, she closes the door just a little too loudly behind her. She quickly checks her watch.
Damn, it’s almost 3 o’clock in the night.
I probably woke up my husband with the slamming door and now he’s gonna hear the cuckoo-clock strike three.
Wait, I got it, I’ll wait here for the clock to strike and then add 9 extra cuckoos.
He’ll think it’s just 12 o’clock!
She does exactly as planned. As the hour strikes, she performs the extra cuckoos with the skill of an absolute master.
She goes to bed feeling satisfied that her little scam had worked – even totally drunk she had managed to avoid a fight.
Mick Says To Paddy
The Hunter And A Bear
If you’re ever feeling a bit too sure of yourself after drinking, just think back on this story!
A wife goes out for the night with her girlfriends just before she leaves, she assures her husband that she won’t be home any later than midnight: “I promise, honey.”
Unfortunately, that night happened to be ladies’ night, which meant the c*cktails were only half the usual price.
She had a great time, and before she knew it it had gotten really late.
As she finally arrives home, she closes the door just a little too loudly behind her. She quickly checks her watch.
Damn, it’s almost 3 o’clock in the night.
I probably woke up my husband with the slamming door and now he’s gonna hear the cuckoo-clock strike three.
Wait, I got it, I’ll wait here for the clock to strike and then add 9 extra cuckoos.
He’ll think it’s just 12 o’clock!
She does exactly as planned. As the hour strikes, she performs the extra cuckoos with the skill of an absolute master.
She goes to bed feeling satisfied that her little scam had worked – even totally drunk she had managed to avoid a fight.
Mick Says To Paddy
The Hunter And A Bear
29.
A good looking guy is sitting in a bar, sipping a whiskey.
He notices a gorgeous woman at the end of the bar, talking with a friend.
He calls over a waiter, and sends them both a martini, along with a note asking for the gorgeous woman’s phone number.
Ten minutes later, the friend walks over with a note. It reads:
“Unless you have a Mercedes parked outside, a million bucks in the bank, and eight inches in your pants, you’re not getting anything from me.”
The man finishes his whiskey, considering his response.
He then writes this down on a piece of paper, hands it to the friend, and walks out:
“Actually, I only have about $300k in the bank; most of my net worth is in the three dozen buildings I own downtown. And today, I’m driving the Porsche; the Benz, Hummer, and Lamborghini are currently at my summer residence.
But If you think I’m cutting off two inches for you, you can fuck right off.”
He went to the doctor
A doctor takes off his glasses
A good looking guy is sitting in a bar, sipping a whiskey.
He notices a gorgeous woman at the end of the bar, talking with a friend.
He calls over a waiter, and sends them both a martini, along with a note asking for the gorgeous woman’s phone number.
Ten minutes later, the friend walks over with a note. It reads:
“Unless you have a Mercedes parked outside, a million bucks in the bank, and eight inches in your pants, you’re not getting anything from me.”
The man finishes his whiskey, considering his response.
He then writes this down on a piece of paper, hands it to the friend, and walks out:
“Actually, I only have about $300k in the bank; most of my net worth is in the three dozen buildings I own downtown. And today, I’m driving the Porsche; the Benz, Hummer, and Lamborghini are currently at my summer residence.
But If you think I’m cutting off two inches for you, you can fuck right off.”
He went to the doctor
A doctor takes off his glasses
30.
A doctor and an engineer were in love with the same woman!
One day the doctor gave the woman a rose!
She was happy and thought it was very romantic.
Over the next three days, the engineer went to her and gave her an apple.
On the third day the woman asked: “Why an apple?”
The engineer replied: “Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away”
A new nurse at a hospital
A young man sees her and eagerly approaches
A doctor and an engineer were in love with the same woman!
One day the doctor gave the woman a rose!
She was happy and thought it was very romantic.
Over the next three days, the engineer went to her and gave her an apple.
On the third day the woman asked: “Why an apple?”
The engineer replied: “Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away”
A new nurse at a hospital
A young man sees her and eagerly approaches
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eng jokes