1.
Two man, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.
The Indian man said to the American, “You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven’t even met once. We call this arranged marriage.
I don’t want to marry a woman whom I don’t love… I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems.”
The American said, “Talking about love marriages… I’ll tell you my story.
I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years.
After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father’s father-in-law.
My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.
More problems occurred when I had a son.
My son is my father’s brother and so he is my uncle.
Situations turned worse when my father had a son.
Now my father’s son i.e. my brother is my grandson.
Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson.
And you say you have family problems?”
He goes to a witch in the woods
Two Polish guys were taking
Two man, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.
The Indian man said to the American, “You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven’t even met once. We call this arranged marriage.
I don’t want to marry a woman whom I don’t love… I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems.”
The American said, “Talking about love marriages… I’ll tell you my story.
I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years.
After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father’s father-in-law.
My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.
More problems occurred when I had a son.
My son is my father’s brother and so he is my uncle.
Situations turned worse when my father had a son.
Now my father’s son i.e. my brother is my grandson.
Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson.
And you say you have family problems?”
He goes to a witch in the woods
Two Polish guys were taking
2.
Three old ladies are sitting around a table playing bridge and bragging about their sons.
“My Freddie,” said Margaret, “Everyone should be so lucky to have a son like my Freddie. Once a week he brings me a huge bouquet of flowers, he’s constantly bringing me out to restaurants to eat, if I so much as hint that I want something the next morning it’s on my doorstep.”
“That’s very nice about your Freddie”, says Gertrude.
“But with all due respect, when I think about the way my Sammy takes care of me, it just can’t compare. Every morning as soon as I wake up he greets me with bacon and freshly brewed coffee. Every lunch he comes over and cooks me a gourmet lunch, and every supper he brings me to his house for supper, he truly treats me like a queen.”
“WELL!” Says Barbara “I don’t want to make any of you feel bad or anything, but wait until you hear about my Harry, twice a week he pays someone $200 an hour just so he can lie on their couch and talk to them, and who do you think he speaks about at those prices? Asks Barbara with a big excited double chin smile, “I’ll tell you who he speaks about! ALL HE SPEAKS ABOUT IS ME!”
Harry was working at a construction site
A lady went to a doctor office
Three old ladies are sitting around a table playing bridge and bragging about their sons.
“My Freddie,” said Margaret, “Everyone should be so lucky to have a son like my Freddie. Once a week he brings me a huge bouquet of flowers, he’s constantly bringing me out to restaurants to eat, if I so much as hint that I want something the next morning it’s on my doorstep.”
“That’s very nice about your Freddie”, says Gertrude.
“But with all due respect, when I think about the way my Sammy takes care of me, it just can’t compare. Every morning as soon as I wake up he greets me with bacon and freshly brewed coffee. Every lunch he comes over and cooks me a gourmet lunch, and every supper he brings me to his house for supper, he truly treats me like a queen.”
“WELL!” Says Barbara “I don’t want to make any of you feel bad or anything, but wait until you hear about my Harry, twice a week he pays someone $200 an hour just so he can lie on their couch and talk to them, and who do you think he speaks about at those prices? Asks Barbara with a big excited double chin smile, “I’ll tell you who he speaks about! ALL HE SPEAKS ABOUT IS ME!”
Harry was working at a construction site
A lady went to a doctor office
3.
A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy.
“What are you drinking?” he asks the guy.
“Magic beer,” he says.
“Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?”
Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building,
then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile.
“Amazing!” the man says. “Lemme try some of that!”
The man grabs the beer. He downs it, leaps off the roof—and plummets 15 stories to the ground.
The bartender shakes his head. “You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman
My son’s teacher
A bartender is working one evening
A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy.
“What are you drinking?” he asks the guy.
“Magic beer,” he says.
“Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?”
Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building,
then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile.
“Amazing!” the man says. “Lemme try some of that!”
The man grabs the beer. He downs it, leaps off the roof—and plummets 15 stories to the ground.
The bartender shakes his head. “You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman
My son’s teacher
A bartender is working one evening
4.
A man in a pub asks for a beer.
The barman says, “Sure, that’ll be one dollar.” “One dollar?” exclaims the man.
Reading the menu, he says,
“Could I have steak and chips?” “Certainly,” says the barman, “that’ll be two dollars.”
“Two dollars?” cries the man. “You’re joking. Where’s the guy who owns this place?”
The barman says, “Upstairs, with my wife”.”
The man says, “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?”
The barman says, “The same thing I’m doing to his business.”
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home
A man calls his house
A man in a pub asks for a beer.
The barman says, “Sure, that’ll be one dollar.” “One dollar?” exclaims the man.
Reading the menu, he says,
“Could I have steak and chips?” “Certainly,” says the barman, “that’ll be two dollars.”
“Two dollars?” cries the man. “You’re joking. Where’s the guy who owns this place?”
The barman says, “Upstairs, with my wife”.”
The man says, “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?”
The barman says, “The same thing I’m doing to his business.”
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home
A man calls his house
5.
One evening, Little Johnny, his brother Little Jimmy, and their dad, sat down to eat supper.
The dad turned to Little Jimmy and asked,
“Little Jimmy, what would you like to eat first?”
To this Little Jimmy replied,
“I want some of them bang’ peas.”
In a flash, dad slapped the sh!t out of Little Jimmy.
“Now what did you want to eat first Jimmy?” asked the dad.
“I want some of them bang’ peas,” said Jimmy.
Dad then backhanded Little Jimmy clean out of his chair and halfway across the room.
Little Jimmy shook it off and promptly returned to the table.
Returning to the table, short of breath, and trying to regain his composure, the dad turned to his other son Little Johnny and calmly asked,
“Well Little Johnny, just what would you like to eat first?”
Little Johnny, glancing at his brother on the floor, turned back to his dad and quickly exclaimed,
“Well you can bet your sweet bum, it ain’t none of them bang’ Peas!”
Johnny down to the pond to get some water
The teacher asked Little Johnny
One evening, Little Johnny, his brother Little Jimmy, and their dad, sat down to eat supper.
The dad turned to Little Jimmy and asked,
“Little Jimmy, what would you like to eat first?”
To this Little Jimmy replied,
“I want some of them bang’ peas.”
In a flash, dad slapped the sh!t out of Little Jimmy.
“Now what did you want to eat first Jimmy?” asked the dad.
“I want some of them bang’ peas,” said Jimmy.
Dad then backhanded Little Jimmy clean out of his chair and halfway across the room.
Little Jimmy shook it off and promptly returned to the table.
Returning to the table, short of breath, and trying to regain his composure, the dad turned to his other son Little Johnny and calmly asked,
“Well Little Johnny, just what would you like to eat first?”
Little Johnny, glancing at his brother on the floor, turned back to his dad and quickly exclaimed,
“Well you can bet your sweet bum, it ain’t none of them bang’ Peas!”
Johnny down to the pond to get some water
The teacher asked Little Johnny
6.
The 6th grade school teacher asked, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
Little Johnny says: “I wanna become a billionaire , going to the most expensive clubs, will find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Miami, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel all over Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.”
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.
“And how about you, Sarah?”
“I wanna be Johnny’s Wife!!”
Wife sent text to husband
A husband woke up his wife and asked her
The 6th grade school teacher asked, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
Little Johnny says: “I wanna become a billionaire , going to the most expensive clubs, will find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Miami, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel all over Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.”
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.
“And how about you, Sarah?”
“I wanna be Johnny’s Wife!!”
Wife sent text to husband
A husband woke up his wife and asked her
7.
If you’re ever feeling a bit too sure of yourself after drinking, just think back on this story!
A wife goes out for the night with her girlfriends just before she leaves, she assures her husband that she won’t be home any later than midnight: “I promise, honey.”
Unfortunately, that night happened to be ladies’ night, which meant the c*cktails were only half the usual price.
She had a great time, and before she knew it it had gotten really late.
As she finally arrives home, she closes the door just a little too loudly behind her. She quickly checks her watch.
Damn, it’s almost 3 o’clock in the night.
I probably woke up my husband with the slamming door and now he’s gonna hear the cuckoo-clock strike three.
Wait, I got it, I’ll wait here for the clock to strike and then add 9 extra cuckoos.
He’ll think it’s just 12 o’clock!
She does exactly as planned. As the hour strikes, she performs the extra cuckoos with the skill of an absolute master.
She goes to bed feeling satisfied that her little scam had worked – even totally drunk she had managed to avoid a fight.
Mick Says To Paddy
The Hunter And A Bear
If you’re ever feeling a bit too sure of yourself after drinking, just think back on this story!
A wife goes out for the night with her girlfriends just before she leaves, she assures her husband that she won’t be home any later than midnight: “I promise, honey.”
Unfortunately, that night happened to be ladies’ night, which meant the c*cktails were only half the usual price.
She had a great time, and before she knew it it had gotten really late.
As she finally arrives home, she closes the door just a little too loudly behind her. She quickly checks her watch.
Damn, it’s almost 3 o’clock in the night.
I probably woke up my husband with the slamming door and now he’s gonna hear the cuckoo-clock strike three.
Wait, I got it, I’ll wait here for the clock to strike and then add 9 extra cuckoos.
He’ll think it’s just 12 o’clock!
She does exactly as planned. As the hour strikes, she performs the extra cuckoos with the skill of an absolute master.
She goes to bed feeling satisfied that her little scam had worked – even totally drunk she had managed to avoid a fight.
Mick Says To Paddy
The Hunter And A Bear
8.
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife, “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants make love, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”
His wife responds, “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!”
The doctor says george everything looks great
A man was driving and saw a truck stalled
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife, “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants make love, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”
His wife responds, “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!”
The doctor says george everything looks great
A man was driving and saw a truck stalled
9.
A German officer watches over his outpost during the Great War.
He’s polishing his handgun when one of his soldiers below sounds the alarm.
Down he rushes, gun in hand, to see a battle going on between his men and the British.
He joins his men, and the fight seems to go on for hours.
The gunfire only stops when out of the sky comes an artillery shell, destroying the building and knocking the officer unconscious.
The German finally is awakened, hurt but alive, by screams and cries for help.
He picks himself up and rushes to help, and before him lays a single living man, crushed underneath the debris of the roof.
He moves to help the young Brit, using the rest of his strength to pull him out of the rubble.
The man’s legs are crushed, and his stomach filled with large splinters.
“You’re bleeding out, my friend,” the officer sighs, slumping down next to him.
“Zere is nothing I can do to help you. All I can do is keep you company in your last moments.”
The Brit shakily sighs, breathing heavily as he looks over himself, giving the German a nod.
The older man looks up towards the starry sky and speaks: “Ze stars will calm you.”
They both find themselves looking at the stars, and time passes.
Eventually, they see a streak of light across the night sky.
“A shooting star,” the young man says with a weak smile.
The German just laughs.
“What’s so funny?”
“Ah, forgive me. Zere is a saying in Deustchland:
‘You vill always find ze best jokes in ze comets.’”
It’s the World Cup Final
A couple was walking down their street
A German officer watches over his outpost during the Great War.
He’s polishing his handgun when one of his soldiers below sounds the alarm.
Down he rushes, gun in hand, to see a battle going on between his men and the British.
He joins his men, and the fight seems to go on for hours.
The gunfire only stops when out of the sky comes an artillery shell, destroying the building and knocking the officer unconscious.
The German finally is awakened, hurt but alive, by screams and cries for help.
He picks himself up and rushes to help, and before him lays a single living man, crushed underneath the debris of the roof.
He moves to help the young Brit, using the rest of his strength to pull him out of the rubble.
The man’s legs are crushed, and his stomach filled with large splinters.
“You’re bleeding out, my friend,” the officer sighs, slumping down next to him.
“Zere is nothing I can do to help you. All I can do is keep you company in your last moments.”
The Brit shakily sighs, breathing heavily as he looks over himself, giving the German a nod.
The older man looks up towards the starry sky and speaks: “Ze stars will calm you.”
They both find themselves looking at the stars, and time passes.
Eventually, they see a streak of light across the night sky.
“A shooting star,” the young man says with a weak smile.
The German just laughs.
“What’s so funny?”
“Ah, forgive me. Zere is a saying in Deustchland:
‘You vill always find ze best jokes in ze comets.’”
It’s the World Cup Final
A couple was walking down their street
10.
At the station, the three accountants each buy a ticket and watch as the three engineers only buy one ticket.
“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks an accountant.
“Watch and you’ll see,” answered an engineer.
They all board the train.
The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Tickets, please!” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants see this and agree it is a clever idea so after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy one ticket for the return trip to their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all.
“How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed accountant.
“Watch and you’ll see,” answered an engineer.
When they board the train all three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby
The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, “Tickets, please!”
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar
The priest says
At the station, the three accountants each buy a ticket and watch as the three engineers only buy one ticket.
“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks an accountant.
“Watch and you’ll see,” answered an engineer.
They all board the train.
The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Tickets, please!” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants see this and agree it is a clever idea so after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy one ticket for the return trip to their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all.
“How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed accountant.
“Watch and you’ll see,” answered an engineer.
When they board the train all three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby
The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, “Tickets, please!”
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar
The priest says
11.
My son starts school today, It is all going to be strange and new to him for a while and I wish you would treat him gently.
It is an adventure that might take him across continents.
All adventures that probably include wars, tragedy and sorrow.
To live this life will require faith, love and courage.
So dear Teacher, will you please take him by his hand and teach him things he will have to know, teaching him – but gently, if you can.
Teach him that for every enemy, there is a friend.
He will have to know that all men are not just, that all men are not true.
But teach him also that for every scoundrel there is a hero, that for every crooked politician, there is a dedicated leader.
Teach him if you can that 10 cents earned is of far more value than a dollar found in school, teacher, it is far more honorable to fail than to cheat.
Teach him to learn how to gracefully lose, and enjoy winning when he does win.
Teach him to be gentle with people, tough with tough people.
A king had his men place a boulder
A 12-year-old girl was walking
My son starts school today, It is all going to be strange and new to him for a while and I wish you would treat him gently.
It is an adventure that might take him across continents.
All adventures that probably include wars, tragedy and sorrow.
To live this life will require faith, love and courage.
So dear Teacher, will you please take him by his hand and teach him things he will have to know, teaching him – but gently, if you can.
Teach him that for every enemy, there is a friend.
He will have to know that all men are not just, that all men are not true.
But teach him also that for every scoundrel there is a hero, that for every crooked politician, there is a dedicated leader.
Teach him if you can that 10 cents earned is of far more value than a dollar found in school, teacher, it is far more honorable to fail than to cheat.
Teach him to learn how to gracefully lose, and enjoy winning when he does win.
Teach him to be gentle with people, tough with tough people.
A king had his men place a boulder
A 12-year-old girl was walking
12.
A lady goes into a bar with her goose.
Then the bartender comes up to her and says: “Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?”
Then the lady answered: “Excuse me, I think this is a goose.”
And the bartender says: “Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.”
A teacher was teaching her class
Two men are working on a telephone pole
A lady goes into a bar with her goose.
Then the bartender comes up to her and says: “Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?”
Then the lady answered: “Excuse me, I think this is a goose.”
And the bartender says: “Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.”
A teacher was teaching her class
Two men are working on a telephone pole
13.
There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish.
He was saying, “Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale.”
A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, “I caught them at the dam, so they’re dam fish.”
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, “Preachers aren’t supposed to talk like that.”
The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them.
When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.
His son replied, “That’s the spirit dad. Pass those f**king potatoes!”
A woman pregnant with triplets
A US Sailor is in a Mexican
There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish.
He was saying, “Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale.”
A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, “I caught them at the dam, so they’re dam fish.”
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, “Preachers aren’t supposed to talk like that.”
The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them.
When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.
His son replied, “That’s the spirit dad. Pass those f**king potatoes!”
A woman pregnant with triplets
A US Sailor is in a Mexican
14.
The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used “Forgive Your Enemies” as his subject.
After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies.
About half held up their hands not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question this time he received a response of about 80 percent.
Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his question with all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.
“Mrs Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”
“I don’t have any.”
“Mrs Jones, that is very unusual, how old are you?”
“Ninety three.”
“Mrs Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to be ninety-three, and not have an enemy in the world.”
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said: “It’s easy, I just outlived the bitches.”
The two were at the same table
The disciple asked the master
The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used “Forgive Your Enemies” as his subject.
After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies.
About half held up their hands not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question this time he received a response of about 80 percent.
Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his question with all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.
“Mrs Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”
“I don’t have any.”
“Mrs Jones, that is very unusual, how old are you?”
“Ninety three.”
“Mrs Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to be ninety-three, and not have an enemy in the world.”
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said: “It’s easy, I just outlived the bitches.”
The two were at the same table
The disciple asked the master
15.
As he walked up to old lady’s car he noticed there were 3 other elderly folks looking very frightened and rigid.
He leaned down to the old lady’s window and noticed she was as calm as could be.
“Do you know why I pulled you over, Ma’am?”
“No, I do not,” she replied sweetly.
“You were going 10mph on the highway that’s a serious hazard for other drivers.”
The officer couldn’t help but glance at the three terrified passengers.
The little old lady pointed at the sign nearby. “Isn’t the speed limit 10?”
The officer looked at the sign and laughed.
“Ma’am, that’s the sign telling you which highway you’re on Interstate 10.”
The little old lady burst out in a fit of giggles, “Oh, I’m sorry!”
The officer decided it was an honest mistake and was going to let her go.
But curiosity got the better of him.
“Can I ask why your passengers are so scared?”
The little old lady laughed again.
“Probably because I just got off Interstate 175.”
The coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players
The friendly usher
As he walked up to old lady’s car he noticed there were 3 other elderly folks looking very frightened and rigid.
He leaned down to the old lady’s window and noticed she was as calm as could be.
“Do you know why I pulled you over, Ma’am?”
“No, I do not,” she replied sweetly.
“You were going 10mph on the highway that’s a serious hazard for other drivers.”
The officer couldn’t help but glance at the three terrified passengers.
The little old lady pointed at the sign nearby. “Isn’t the speed limit 10?”
The officer looked at the sign and laughed.
“Ma’am, that’s the sign telling you which highway you’re on Interstate 10.”
The little old lady burst out in a fit of giggles, “Oh, I’m sorry!”
The officer decided it was an honest mistake and was going to let her go.
But curiosity got the better of him.
“Can I ask why your passengers are so scared?”
The little old lady laughed again.
“Probably because I just got off Interstate 175.”
The coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players
The friendly usher
16.
A Football team was on the field during practice, when to their surprise, a big turkey suddenly walked up to the coach and demanded a tryout.
“Are you crazy,” hollered the coach, “we don’t give tryouts to turkeys.”
Before he knew it the turkey started dashing towards the football and made a fantastic catch.
“That was amazing,” exclaimed the coach.
“I have never seen anything like that! How much do you want for a year?”
“Don’t worry about money,” said the turkey,
“let me just ask you something, does the season go past Thanksgiving?”
A man with an elephant walks
The boss dialed his employees phone number
A Football team was on the field during practice, when to their surprise, a big turkey suddenly walked up to the coach and demanded a tryout.
“Are you crazy,” hollered the coach, “we don’t give tryouts to turkeys.”
Before he knew it the turkey started dashing towards the football and made a fantastic catch.
“That was amazing,” exclaimed the coach.
“I have never seen anything like that! How much do you want for a year?”
“Don’t worry about money,” said the turkey,
“let me just ask you something, does the season go past Thanksgiving?”
A man with an elephant walks
The boss dialed his employees phone number
17.
Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.
One nun suggests to the other, “Hey, let’s take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door.”
So they do this, and begin painting their room.
Soon they hear a knock at the door.
They ask, “Who is it?” “Blind man!”
The nuns look at each other and one nun says, “He’s blind, so he can’t see. What could it hurt?”
They let him in. The blind man walks in and says,
“Hey, nice melons. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?”
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church
A man dies goes to Heaven
Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.
One nun suggests to the other, “Hey, let’s take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door.”
So they do this, and begin painting their room.
Soon they hear a knock at the door.
They ask, “Who is it?” “Blind man!”
The nuns look at each other and one nun says, “He’s blind, so he can’t see. What could it hurt?”
They let him in. The blind man walks in and says,
“Hey, nice melons. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?”
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church
A man dies goes to Heaven
18.
Three guys are on a plane, ones black, ones white, and ones Mexican.
The pilot says: “there’s to much weight you all need to throw something off the plane.”
The black guy throws his Jordan’s and says: “we have to many of these in our country.”
The Mexican throws off his lawn mower and says: “we have to many of these in our country.”
The white guys throws the Mexican and says: “we have to many of these in our country.”
A little girl and a little boy
During lunch at work last week
Three guys are on a plane, ones black, ones white, and ones Mexican.
The pilot says: “there’s to much weight you all need to throw something off the plane.”
The black guy throws his Jordan’s and says: “we have to many of these in our country.”
The Mexican throws off his lawn mower and says: “we have to many of these in our country.”
The white guys throws the Mexican and says: “we have to many of these in our country.”
A little girl and a little boy
During lunch at work last week
19.
A woman goes to her doctor,
complaining that her husband is 300% impotent.
The doctor says,
“I’m not sure I understand what you mean.”
She says, “Well, the first 100% you can imagine.
In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger
A recently married couple are in bed
A statue of a Macho athlete
A woman goes to her doctor,
complaining that her husband is 300% impotent.
The doctor says,
“I’m not sure I understand what you mean.”
She says, “Well, the first 100% you can imagine.
In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger
A recently married couple are in bed
A statue of a Macho athlete
20.
Three elderly gentlemen were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them in fifty years’ time.
The first said, “I would like my grandchildren to say ‘He was great fun to be with.'”
“Fifty years from now,” said the second, “I want mine to say ‘He was a loyal and loving family man.'”
Turning to the third man, they asked him, “So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?”
“I want them to say,” the third man replied, “He looks really good for his age!”
Three drunks get into a taxi
Two hunters Paul and Kurt
Three elderly gentlemen were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them in fifty years’ time.
The first said, “I would like my grandchildren to say ‘He was great fun to be with.'”
“Fifty years from now,” said the second, “I want mine to say ‘He was a loyal and loving family man.'”
Turning to the third man, they asked him, “So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?”
“I want them to say,” the third man replied, “He looks really good for his age!”
Three drunks get into a taxi
Two hunters Paul and Kurt
21.
A guy visits a carnival and amongst the merry-go-rounds,
vendors and performers he spots a man with a tiny pony.
He walks up to the man and asks: “What’s with the pony?”
“For a dollar the pony can do pretty much any trick you ask of it” the man replies.
“That’s cool” the guy says and proceeds to take out his wallet, retrieve a dollar bill and puts it in the jar next to the pony.
He extends his hand and says “Shake!” The pony promptly performs the trick.
The man produces another dollar.
“Play dead!” The pony collapses to the ground, then gets up after a little while.
“How about a tougher one?” the man says and puts another dollar in the jar.
“What’s eleven minus five?” The pony stomps with a hoove six times.
“This is incredible” he exclaims.
The guy continues to add dollar after dollar to the jar while the pony performs every trick or task without a fault.
After a while the guy runs out of single dollar bills and turns to the man and says:
“Sir, that is one incredible animal you have there, is there anything it can’t do?”
“He can’t sing” the man replies.
The guy considers this for a bit. “Why can’t he sing” the guy asks.
The man looks him in the eye. “He’s a little horse
A lady goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot
A man whose wife was pregnant
A guy visits a carnival and amongst the merry-go-rounds,
vendors and performers he spots a man with a tiny pony.
He walks up to the man and asks: “What’s with the pony?”
“For a dollar the pony can do pretty much any trick you ask of it” the man replies.
“That’s cool” the guy says and proceeds to take out his wallet, retrieve a dollar bill and puts it in the jar next to the pony.
He extends his hand and says “Shake!” The pony promptly performs the trick.
The man produces another dollar.
“Play dead!” The pony collapses to the ground, then gets up after a little while.
“How about a tougher one?” the man says and puts another dollar in the jar.
“What’s eleven minus five?” The pony stomps with a hoove six times.
“This is incredible” he exclaims.
The guy continues to add dollar after dollar to the jar while the pony performs every trick or task without a fault.
After a while the guy runs out of single dollar bills and turns to the man and says:
“Sir, that is one incredible animal you have there, is there anything it can’t do?”
“He can’t sing” the man replies.
The guy considers this for a bit. “Why can’t he sing” the guy asks.
The man looks him in the eye. “He’s a little horse
A lady goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot
A man whose wife was pregnant
22.
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology,
“And what starting salary are you looking for?”
The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?”
The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”
The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”
A doctor and a lawyer are talking
Two factory workers are talking
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology,
“And what starting salary are you looking for?”
The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?”
The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”
The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”
A doctor and a lawyer are talking
Two factory workers are talking
23.
A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive his application.
The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held.
“I must say,” says the executive, “your work history is terrible. You’ve been fired from every job.”
“Yes” says the man.
“Well,” continues the executive, “there’s not much positive in that.”
“Hey!” says the guy as he pokes the application.
“At least I’m not a quitter.”
A plumber was called to a woman apartment
A couple had been married for 45 years
A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive his application.
The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held.
“I must say,” says the executive, “your work history is terrible. You’ve been fired from every job.”
“Yes” says the man.
“Well,” continues the executive, “there’s not much positive in that.”
“Hey!” says the guy as he pokes the application.
“At least I’m not a quitter.”
A plumber was called to a woman apartment
A couple had been married for 45 years
24.
A couple was walking down their street in Christmas Eve, enjoying the lights, when suddenly…
…they feel a little precipitation.
The man says, “I think it’s raining, we should go back home.”
The woman says, “No, I think it’s snowing.”
The couple argues about this for a few minutes.
The woman looks around and sees a communist officer wandering around that street. “Let’s ask that communist officer.”
So the couple walks over. “Officer Rudolph, sir, is it raining or snowing?”
“Definitely raining,” says Officer Rudolph.
The man turned to his wife, grinning, and says, “See, Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear
A German officer watches over his outpost
One day, a park ranger stopped by my house
A couple was walking down their street in Christmas Eve, enjoying the lights, when suddenly…
…they feel a little precipitation.
The man says, “I think it’s raining, we should go back home.”
The woman says, “No, I think it’s snowing.”
The couple argues about this for a few minutes.
The woman looks around and sees a communist officer wandering around that street. “Let’s ask that communist officer.”
So the couple walks over. “Officer Rudolph, sir, is it raining or snowing?”
“Definitely raining,” says Officer Rudolph.
The man turned to his wife, grinning, and says, “See, Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear
A German officer watches over his outpost
One day, a park ranger stopped by my house
25.
A wife asked her husband to drop her off at a friend’s house, where a wedding reception was taking place.
He responded that he would be too busy throughout the day in the office, and gave her some money to take a taxi.
He left for the office.
The wife took a Taxi to the wedding reception, there she met a fine Girl and they got talking to each other.
Soon they became friends.
In the evening when everyone was leaving, the Girl asked the Woman how she was going home.
She replied that her husband was too busy in the office to pick her up so she would use a taxi.
The Girl responded; “My boyfriend brought me here and would be coming to pick me up. I just spoke to him on the phone and he’s on his way. Why don’t you join me in his car and we would drop you at your house”
The woman agreed. A few minutes later, her husband’s car arrived.
The Girl jumped into the front passenger seat of the car and asked the Woman to sit at the backseat, which she did confused and perturbed.
Then the Girl introduced her new friend to her boyfriend.
When the man turned around to greet the woman, he recognized her as his wife. Nothing much was said along the way.
He dropped the wife at home first as planned and proceeded to drop the Girl at her house.
The question now is: If you were the wife, what would you do when your husband returns home?
If you were the husband, what would you say to your wife when you return home?
What would you do if you are the wife?
Martin and his wife Debbie walk into a dentist
A old man goes to a restaurant and orders
A wife asked her husband to drop her off at a friend’s house, where a wedding reception was taking place.
He responded that he would be too busy throughout the day in the office, and gave her some money to take a taxi.
He left for the office.
The wife took a Taxi to the wedding reception, there she met a fine Girl and they got talking to each other.
Soon they became friends.
In the evening when everyone was leaving, the Girl asked the Woman how she was going home.
She replied that her husband was too busy in the office to pick her up so she would use a taxi.
The Girl responded; “My boyfriend brought me here and would be coming to pick me up. I just spoke to him on the phone and he’s on his way. Why don’t you join me in his car and we would drop you at your house”
The woman agreed. A few minutes later, her husband’s car arrived.
The Girl jumped into the front passenger seat of the car and asked the Woman to sit at the backseat, which she did confused and perturbed.
Then the Girl introduced her new friend to her boyfriend.
When the man turned around to greet the woman, he recognized her as his wife. Nothing much was said along the way.
He dropped the wife at home first as planned and proceeded to drop the Girl at her house.
The question now is: If you were the wife, what would you do when your husband returns home?
If you were the husband, what would you say to your wife when you return home?
What would you do if you are the wife?
Martin and his wife Debbie walk into a dentist
A old man goes to a restaurant and orders
26.
A Football team was on the field during practice, when to their surprise, a big turkey suddenly walked up to the coach and demanded a tryout.
“Are you crazy,” hollered the coach, “we don’t give tryouts to turkeys.”
Before he knew it the turkey started dashing towards the football and made a fantastic catch.
“That was amazing,” exclaimed the coach.
“I have never seen anything like that! How much do you want for a year?”
“Don’t worry about money,” said the turkey.
“let me just ask you something, does the season go past Thanksgiving?”
A couple is throwing a dinner party
Johnny asks his dad
A Football team was on the field during practice, when to their surprise, a big turkey suddenly walked up to the coach and demanded a tryout.
“Are you crazy,” hollered the coach, “we don’t give tryouts to turkeys.”
Before he knew it the turkey started dashing towards the football and made a fantastic catch.
“That was amazing,” exclaimed the coach.
“I have never seen anything like that! How much do you want for a year?”
“Don’t worry about money,” said the turkey.
“let me just ask you something, does the season go past Thanksgiving?”
A couple is throwing a dinner party
Johnny asks his dad
27.
A Texan visitor to England asked an Englishman to show him the biggest building in town.
“There it is,” said the Englishman.
“It’s quite impressive, I must admit.”
“You call that big?” scoffed the Texan.
“Back in Texas we have buildings just like that but over a hundred times bigger!”
“I’m not surprised,” said the Englishman.
“That’s the local lunatic asylum!”
A man was annoyed when his wife
A man walks up to a woman
A Texan visitor to England asked an Englishman to show him the biggest building in town.
“There it is,” said the Englishman.
“It’s quite impressive, I must admit.”
“You call that big?” scoffed the Texan.
“Back in Texas we have buildings just like that but over a hundred times bigger!”
“I’m not surprised,” said the Englishman.
“That’s the local lunatic asylum!”
A man was annoyed when his wife
A man walks up to a woman
28.
Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hadn’t gotten out of her mourning stage.
Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the dating world.
Finally, Karen surrendered. With some courage, she told her family members that she will go out again.
That said, she didn’t really know anyone suitable.
Her daughter immediately replied: “Mom! I have someone for you to meet.”
Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another, and, after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.
Their first night there, she undressed as he did.
There she stood nude except for a black corset and a pair of black lacy underwear, and he in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asked: “Why the black underwear?”
She replied: “My melons you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.”
He knew he wasn’t getting lucky that night.
The following night the same scenario.
She was standing there with the black underwear on, and he was in his birthday suit except that he was wearing a black rubber.
She looked at him and asked: “What’s with this a black rubber?”
“Well.” He said, “I wanted to offer my deepest condolences.”
A little boy boards a public bus
A young banker goes to the tailor
Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hadn’t gotten out of her mourning stage.
Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the dating world.
Finally, Karen surrendered. With some courage, she told her family members that she will go out again.
That said, she didn’t really know anyone suitable.
Her daughter immediately replied: “Mom! I have someone for you to meet.”
Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another, and, after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.
Their first night there, she undressed as he did.
There she stood nude except for a black corset and a pair of black lacy underwear, and he in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asked: “Why the black underwear?”
She replied: “My melons you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.”
He knew he wasn’t getting lucky that night.
The following night the same scenario.
She was standing there with the black underwear on, and he was in his birthday suit except that he was wearing a black rubber.
She looked at him and asked: “What’s with this a black rubber?”
“Well.” He said, “I wanted to offer my deepest condolences.”
A little boy boards a public bus
A young banker goes to the tailor
29.
John and Tony were in the bar, pondering over Tony’s problems.
“Andrea and I want to get married,” said Tony, “but we can’t find anywhere to live.”
“Why don’t you live with Andrea’s parents for a while?” suggested John.
“We can’t do that,” said Tony, “they’re living with their parents for a while too.”
Joan invited some people to dinner
A high school student came home
John and Tony were in the bar, pondering over Tony’s problems.
“Andrea and I want to get married,” said Tony, “but we can’t find anywhere to live.”
“Why don’t you live with Andrea’s parents for a while?” suggested John.
“We can’t do that,” said Tony, “they’re living with their parents for a while too.”
Joan invited some people to dinner
A high school student came home
30.
“Brown bears are usually harmless they avoid contact with humans so we suggest you attach small bells to your rucksacks and give the bears time to get out of your way.”
However, grizzly bears are extremely dangerous.
If you see any grizzly bear droppings leave the area immediately.
“So how do we know if they’re grizzly bear droppings?” asks one of the ramblers.
“It’s easy,” replies the ranger.
“They’re full of small bells.”
He didn’t speak for two years
A old Man walked into the bank
“Brown bears are usually harmless they avoid contact with humans so we suggest you attach small bells to your rucksacks and give the bears time to get out of your way.”
However, grizzly bears are extremely dangerous.
If you see any grizzly bear droppings leave the area immediately.
“So how do we know if they’re grizzly bear droppings?” asks one of the ramblers.
“It’s easy,” replies the ranger.
“They’re full of small bells.”
He didn’t speak for two years
A old Man walked into the bank
Tags:
eng jokes