1.
Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions.
One 75-year-old man says: “I have this problem. I wake up every morning at 7 a.m. and it takes me 20 minutes to pee.”
An 80-year-old man says: “My case is worse. I get up at 8 a.m. and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement.”
The 90-year-old man says: “Not me. At 7 a.m. I pee like a horse and at 8 a.m. I crap like a cow.”
“So what’s your problem?” asked the others.
“I don’t wake up until 9:00.”
A woman takes her daughter to doctor
A pastor told the congregation
Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions.
One 75-year-old man says: “I have this problem. I wake up every morning at 7 a.m. and it takes me 20 minutes to pee.”
An 80-year-old man says: “My case is worse. I get up at 8 a.m. and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement.”
The 90-year-old man says: “Not me. At 7 a.m. I pee like a horse and at 8 a.m. I crap like a cow.”
“So what’s your problem?” asked the others.
“I don’t wake up until 9:00.”
A woman takes her daughter to doctor
A pastor told the congregation
2.
Little Timmy wanted to take a shower with his dad.
His dad said don’t look down. Timmy looked down.
Timmy said “What’s that?”. Timmy’s dad said “that’s Mr.wiggles”.
Timmy wanted to take a shower with his mom.
Timmy’s mom said don’t look down. Timmy looked down.
Timmy said “What’s that?”. Timmy’s mom said “that’s my garden”.
Timmy’s mom said don’t look up. Timmy looked up.
Timmy said “What are those?”.
Timmy’s mom said those are her headlights.
Timmy wanted to sleep with his parents.
His parents said don’t look under the covers.
Timmy looked under the covers.
Timmy yelled “MOMMY, MOMMY, MR.WIGGLES IS ATTACKING YOUR GARDEN! TURN ON YOUR HEADLIGHTS.
A blonde is pregnant
Mother is on top of father
Little Timmy wanted to take a shower with his dad.
His dad said don’t look down. Timmy looked down.
Timmy said “What’s that?”. Timmy’s dad said “that’s Mr.wiggles”.
Timmy wanted to take a shower with his mom.
Timmy’s mom said don’t look down. Timmy looked down.
Timmy said “What’s that?”. Timmy’s mom said “that’s my garden”.
Timmy’s mom said don’t look up. Timmy looked up.
Timmy said “What are those?”.
Timmy’s mom said those are her headlights.
Timmy wanted to sleep with his parents.
His parents said don’t look under the covers.
Timmy looked under the covers.
Timmy yelled “MOMMY, MOMMY, MR.WIGGLES IS ATTACKING YOUR GARDEN! TURN ON YOUR HEADLIGHTS.
A blonde is pregnant
Mother is on top of father
3.
A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear.
He carries his trusty 22-gauge rifle with him.
After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires.
When the smoke clears, the bear is gone.
A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “No one shoots at me and gets away with it.
You have two choices: I can rip your throat out and eat you, or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and I’ll do you in the bum.”
The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his trousers and bends over, and the bear does what he said he would do.
After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers again and staggers back into town. He’s pretty mad.
He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest.
He sees the same bear, aims, and fires.
When the smoke clears, the bear is gone.
A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “You know what to do.”
Afterwards, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town, and buys a bazooka. Now he’s really mad.
He returns to the forest, sees the bear, aims, and fires.
The force of the bazooka blast knocks him flat on his back.
When the smoke clears, the bear is standing over him and says, “You’re not doing this for the hunting, are you?”
Dan was a single guy living at home
A Irish man went to the courthouse
A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear.
He carries his trusty 22-gauge rifle with him.
After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires.
When the smoke clears, the bear is gone.
A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “No one shoots at me and gets away with it.
You have two choices: I can rip your throat out and eat you, or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and I’ll do you in the bum.”
The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his trousers and bends over, and the bear does what he said he would do.
After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers again and staggers back into town. He’s pretty mad.
He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest.
He sees the same bear, aims, and fires.
When the smoke clears, the bear is gone.
A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “You know what to do.”
Afterwards, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town, and buys a bazooka. Now he’s really mad.
He returns to the forest, sees the bear, aims, and fires.
The force of the bazooka blast knocks him flat on his back.
When the smoke clears, the bear is standing over him and says, “You’re not doing this for the hunting, are you?”
Dan was a single guy living at home
A Irish man went to the courthouse
4.
The ninety-five-year-old woman at the nursing home received a visit from one of her fellow church members.
“How are you feeling?” the visitor asked.
“Oh,” said the lady,
“I’m just worried sick!”
“What are you worried about, dear?” her friend asked.
“You look like you are in good health. They are taking care of yourself, aren’t they?”
“Yes, they are taking very good care of me.”
“Well, what are you worried about?” her friend asked again.
The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her major worry.
“Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to heaven. I am afraid they are all wondering where I went!”
Two men were having a of golf
Dave took Mary out for dinner
The ninety-five-year-old woman at the nursing home received a visit from one of her fellow church members.
“How are you feeling?” the visitor asked.
“Oh,” said the lady,
“I’m just worried sick!”
“What are you worried about, dear?” her friend asked.
“You look like you are in good health. They are taking care of yourself, aren’t they?”
“Yes, they are taking very good care of me.”
“Well, what are you worried about?” her friend asked again.
The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her major worry.
“Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to heaven. I am afraid they are all wondering where I went!”
Two men were having a of golf
Dave took Mary out for dinner
5.
A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables. And when he picked up a jewelry box to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying:
“Jesus is watching you.”
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.
After just a few seconds, clear as a bell, he heard:
“Jesus is watching you.”
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
“Did you say that?” He hissed at the parrot.
“Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you.”
The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”
“Moses,” replied the bird.
“Moses?” The burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird Moses?”
Suddenly, he felt a giant shadow materializing behind him.
“The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”
A very attractive young lady was sitting
The teacher asked Johnny
A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables. And when he picked up a jewelry box to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying:
“Jesus is watching you.”
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.
After just a few seconds, clear as a bell, he heard:
“Jesus is watching you.”
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
“Did you say that?” He hissed at the parrot.
“Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you.”
The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”
“Moses,” replied the bird.
“Moses?” The burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird Moses?”
Suddenly, he felt a giant shadow materializing behind him.
“The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”
A very attractive young lady was sitting
The teacher asked Johnny
6.
While he is slowly moving through the empty and dark house, he hears a strange voice voice coming from the darkness beyond, that said:
“Jesus is watching you!”
Surprised, the burglar points his flashlight at the direction of the sound, only to discover that the sound was made by a parrot.
Angry, the burglar says:
“So you are the little shit that almost made me shit my pants? Oh you winged rat, I should stew you in boiling water for that!”
The parrot then says: “Saint Peter is watching you.”
Intrigued, the burglar says: “I’ve lost my faith a long time ago, I don’t believe in any of these religious nonsense
What is your name, little bird?”
The parrot replies: “My name is Judas.”
The burglar burts out laugh-ting and asks:
“What kind of stupid jerk would name a parrot Judas?”
The parrot promptly responds:
“The same stupid jerk that named Jesus and Saint Peter the two Pit Bulls behind you.”
The Gynecologist Who Became A Mechanic!
Translating Monk Texts
While he is slowly moving through the empty and dark house, he hears a strange voice voice coming from the darkness beyond, that said:
“Jesus is watching you!”
Surprised, the burglar points his flashlight at the direction of the sound, only to discover that the sound was made by a parrot.
Angry, the burglar says:
“So you are the little shit that almost made me shit my pants? Oh you winged rat, I should stew you in boiling water for that!”
The parrot then says: “Saint Peter is watching you.”
Intrigued, the burglar says: “I’ve lost my faith a long time ago, I don’t believe in any of these religious nonsense
What is your name, little bird?”
The parrot replies: “My name is Judas.”
The burglar burts out laugh-ting and asks:
“What kind of stupid jerk would name a parrot Judas?”
The parrot promptly responds:
“The same stupid jerk that named Jesus and Saint Peter the two Pit Bulls behind you.”
The Gynecologist Who Became A Mechanic!
Translating Monk Texts
7.
A man was driving and saw a truck stalled on the side of the highway that had ten penguins standing next to it.
The man pulled over and asked the truck driver if he needed any help.
The truck driver replied, “If you can take these penguins to the zoo while I wait for AAA that will be great!”
The man agreed and the penguins hopped into the back of his car.
Two hours later, the trucker was back on the road again and decided to check on the penguins.
He showed up at the zoo and they weren’t there! He headed back into his truck and started driving around the town, looking for any sign of the penguins, the man, or his car.
While driving past a movie theater, the truck driver spotted the guy walking out with the ten penguins.
The truck driver yelled, “What are you doing?
You were supposed to take them to the zoo!”
The man replied, “I did and then I had some extra money so I took them to go see a movie.”
They each go into the woods find a bear
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to football game
A man was driving and saw a truck stalled on the side of the highway that had ten penguins standing next to it.
The man pulled over and asked the truck driver if he needed any help.
The truck driver replied, “If you can take these penguins to the zoo while I wait for AAA that will be great!”
The man agreed and the penguins hopped into the back of his car.
Two hours later, the trucker was back on the road again and decided to check on the penguins.
He showed up at the zoo and they weren’t there! He headed back into his truck and started driving around the town, looking for any sign of the penguins, the man, or his car.
While driving past a movie theater, the truck driver spotted the guy walking out with the ten penguins.
The truck driver yelled, “What are you doing?
You were supposed to take them to the zoo!”
The man replied, “I did and then I had some extra money so I took them to go see a movie.”
They each go into the woods find a bear
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to football game
8.
A young man was sitting in his office on the thirteenth floor, when someone came by and shouted: “Laloo, your daughter Sweety is badly injured in accident!”
Not knowing what to do, the young man jumped out of his office window in a panic.
While coming down when he was at tenth floor, he remembered he had no daughter named Sweety.
When he was near the fifth floor he remembered he was not married.
When he was about to hit the ground he remembered he was not Laloo.
I just won the lottery
The teacher asks to her student
A young man was sitting in his office on the thirteenth floor, when someone came by and shouted: “Laloo, your daughter Sweety is badly injured in accident!”
Not knowing what to do, the young man jumped out of his office window in a panic.
While coming down when he was at tenth floor, he remembered he had no daughter named Sweety.
When he was near the fifth floor he remembered he was not married.
When he was about to hit the ground he remembered he was not Laloo.
I just won the lottery
The teacher asks to her student
9.
Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good
Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a freaking cat!”
Darryl and Harold were the best patients
During camouflage training
Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good
Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a freaking cat!”
Darryl and Harold were the best patients
During camouflage training
10.
A farmer got in his truck and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door.
A young boy, about nine, opened the door.
“Is your Dad home”? the farmer asked.
“Sorry mate, he isn’t” the boy replied. “He went into town.”
“Well,” said the farmer, “Is your mum here”?
“No, sir, she’s not here either. She went into town with Dad.”
“How about your brother, Greg? Is he here”?
“He went with Mum and Dad.”
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
“Is there anything I can do for ya”?
the boy asked politely.
“I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one.
Or maybe, I could take a message for Dad.”
“Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably,
“I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It’s about your brother Greg getting my daughter pregnant.”
The boy considered for a moment.
“You’d have to talk to Dad about that,” he finally conceded.
“If it helps you any,… I know that Dad charges $200 for the bull and $150 for the pig, but I really don’t know how much he gets for Greg.”
One common question was asked to all
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital
A farmer got in his truck and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door.
A young boy, about nine, opened the door.
“Is your Dad home”? the farmer asked.
“Sorry mate, he isn’t” the boy replied. “He went into town.”
“Well,” said the farmer, “Is your mum here”?
“No, sir, she’s not here either. She went into town with Dad.”
“How about your brother, Greg? Is he here”?
“He went with Mum and Dad.”
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
“Is there anything I can do for ya”?
the boy asked politely.
“I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one.
Or maybe, I could take a message for Dad.”
“Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably,
“I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It’s about your brother Greg getting my daughter pregnant.”
The boy considered for a moment.
“You’d have to talk to Dad about that,” he finally conceded.
“If it helps you any,… I know that Dad charges $200 for the bull and $150 for the pig, but I really don’t know how much he gets for Greg.”
One common question was asked to all
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital
11.
An ugly old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise.
He sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.
He yells out “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”
Boy yells back “Roll of chicken wire.”
Old man says “What you gonna do with that?”
Boy says “Gonna catch some chickens.”
Old man yells “You damn fool, you can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!”
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man’s surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.
Old man yells out “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”
Boy yells back “Roll of duck tape.”
Old man says “What you gonna do with that?”
Boy says back “Gonna catch me some ducks.”
Old man yells back, “You damn fool, you can’t catch ducks with duck tape!”
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man’s amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
Old man says “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”
Boy says “It’s a private part willow.”
Old man says “Wait up … I’ll get my hat.”
Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment
A woman goes to the doctor looking fantastic
An ugly old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise.
He sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.
He yells out “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”
Boy yells back “Roll of chicken wire.”
Old man says “What you gonna do with that?”
Boy says “Gonna catch some chickens.”
Old man yells “You damn fool, you can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!”
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man’s surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.
Old man yells out “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”
Boy yells back “Roll of duck tape.”
Old man says “What you gonna do with that?”
Boy says back “Gonna catch me some ducks.”
Old man yells back, “You damn fool, you can’t catch ducks with duck tape!”
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man’s amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
Old man says “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”
Boy says “It’s a private part willow.”
Old man says “Wait up … I’ll get my hat.”
Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment
A woman goes to the doctor looking fantastic
12.
A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance.
The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?”
“I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked.
“Between the first and second hole.” she replied.
He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”
Wife discussing christmas presents with her maid
A man is working in a weapon store
A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance.
The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?”
“I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked.
“Between the first and second hole.” she replied.
He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”
Wife discussing christmas presents with her maid
A man is working in a weapon store
13.
The General went out to find that none of his soldiers were there.
One finally ran up, panting heavily.
“Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”
The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the soldier go moments late, eight more soldiers came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.
“Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”
The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go.
A ninth soldiers jogged up to the General, panting heavily.
“Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but…”
“Let me guess,” the General interrupted, “it broke down.”
“No,” said the soldier, “there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them.”
A guy is at the pearly gates
The priest got a brilliant idea
The General went out to find that none of his soldiers were there.
One finally ran up, panting heavily.
“Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”
The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the soldier go moments late, eight more soldiers came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.
“Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”
The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go.
A ninth soldiers jogged up to the General, panting heavily.
“Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but…”
“Let me guess,” the General interrupted, “it broke down.”
“No,” said the soldier, “there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them.”
A guy is at the pearly gates
The priest got a brilliant idea
14.
There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park.
He was a widower and she a widow.
They had known one another for a number of years.
Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.
These two were at the same table, across from one another.
As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, “Will you marry me?”
After a dramatic pause and precisely six seconds of ‘careful consideration,’ she answered.
“Yes. Yes, I will.”
The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. “Did she say ‘yes’ or did she say ‘no’?”
He couldn’t remember.
Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained to her that he didn’t remember as well as he used to.
Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.
As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her,
“When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘Yes’ or did you say ‘No’?”
He was delighted to hear her say, “Why, I said, ‘Yes, yes I will’ and I meant it with all my heart.”
Then she continued, “And I am so glad that you called because I couldn’t remember who had asked me.”
A city boy driving through passes a chicken farm
A couple were Christmas shopping
There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park.
He was a widower and she a widow.
They had known one another for a number of years.
Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.
These two were at the same table, across from one another.
As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, “Will you marry me?”
After a dramatic pause and precisely six seconds of ‘careful consideration,’ she answered.
“Yes. Yes, I will.”
The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. “Did she say ‘yes’ or did she say ‘no’?”
He couldn’t remember.
Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained to her that he didn’t remember as well as he used to.
Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.
As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her,
“When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘Yes’ or did you say ‘No’?”
He was delighted to hear her say, “Why, I said, ‘Yes, yes I will’ and I meant it with all my heart.”
Then she continued, “And I am so glad that you called because I couldn’t remember who had asked me.”
A city boy driving through passes a chicken farm
A couple were Christmas shopping
15.
Two lawyers met at a cocktail party late one night.
“How’s business?” asked the first.
“Rotten,” replied the other.
“Yesterday, I chased an ambulance for twenty miles. When I finally caught up to it, there were already two other lawyer hanging on to the bumper.”
She walks straight to the manager and asks
A man is stranded on a desert island
Two lawyers met at a cocktail party late one night.
“How’s business?” asked the first.
“Rotten,” replied the other.
“Yesterday, I chased an ambulance for twenty miles. When I finally caught up to it, there were already two other lawyer hanging on to the bumper.”
She walks straight to the manager and asks
A man is stranded on a desert island
16.
A Help desk guy speaking to an old lady user.
Help desk: Double click on “My Computer”.
An Old Lady: I can’t see your computer…
Help desk: No… click on “My Computer” on your computer.
An Old Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer???!!
Help desk: there is an icon labelled “My Computer” on your computer double click on it.
An Old Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer??!!!
Two men are sitting at a bar
Bill and Doug were having a beer
A Help desk guy speaking to an old lady user.
Help desk: Double click on “My Computer”.
An Old Lady: I can’t see your computer…
Help desk: No… click on “My Computer” on your computer.
An Old Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer???!!
Help desk: there is an icon labelled “My Computer” on your computer double click on it.
An Old Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer??!!!
Two men are sitting at a bar
Bill and Doug were having a beer
17.
A man walks out onto a busy New York City street and happens to catch a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabby says, “Wow, perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
The passenger looks confused, and asks, “Who..??”
The cabby says, “Frank Feldman..!!”
He explains, “He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like when I came along just when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”
The passenger remarked, “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
“Not Frank Feldman.” The cabby said with gusto.
He clarified, “Frank Feldmans was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
The passenger said, “Sounds like he was really something special.”
The cabby replied, “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.”
The cabby kept going, “He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman – he could do everything right.”
The passenger was amazed, “Wow, what a guy!”
The cabby continued, “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.”
The cabby concluded: “He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
Passenger: “How did you meet him?”
?????: “? ????? ???????? ??? ?????. ?? ???? ??? ? ??????? ??? ????.”
A man was sitting on the edge
He was a widower and she was a widow
A man walks out onto a busy New York City street and happens to catch a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabby says, “Wow, perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
The passenger looks confused, and asks, “Who..??”
The cabby says, “Frank Feldman..!!”
He explains, “He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like when I came along just when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”
The passenger remarked, “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
“Not Frank Feldman.” The cabby said with gusto.
He clarified, “Frank Feldmans was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
The passenger said, “Sounds like he was really something special.”
The cabby replied, “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.”
The cabby kept going, “He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman – he could do everything right.”
The passenger was amazed, “Wow, what a guy!”
The cabby continued, “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.”
The cabby concluded: “He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
Passenger: “How did you meet him?”
?????: “? ????? ???????? ??? ?????. ?? ???? ??? ? ??????? ??? ????.”
A man was sitting on the edge
He was a widower and she was a widow
18.
An elderly priest dies and goes to heaven.
He soon finds himself in a line of souls going to St. Peter to enter heaven.
In no time at all, there’s only one person in front of him.
St Peter tells the man “ah yes, state your name and occupation.”
The man replies “Will Snicket, a taxi driver in New York City.”
St Peter looks at his list for a moment and says,
“yes, take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the kingdom of the Lord.”
The priest is next, St Peter asks him “your name and occupation.”
“Father Samuel, minister of the church of God”, the priest eagerly replies.
After perusing his list for a moment St Peter looks at the priest and says
“very well, take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the kingdom of the Lord.”
At hearing this the priest is indignant,
“What, but I’ve been faithfully serving the Lord all my life, why did that taxi driver get such amazing treatment compared to me.”
St Peter stares silently at the priest.
Finally, he replies, “my child, up here we work by results. While you preached people slept, but while he drove, people prayed.”
A young lad was visiting a church
A husband sends a text to his wife
An elderly priest dies and goes to heaven.
He soon finds himself in a line of souls going to St. Peter to enter heaven.
In no time at all, there’s only one person in front of him.
St Peter tells the man “ah yes, state your name and occupation.”
The man replies “Will Snicket, a taxi driver in New York City.”
St Peter looks at his list for a moment and says,
“yes, take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the kingdom of the Lord.”
The priest is next, St Peter asks him “your name and occupation.”
“Father Samuel, minister of the church of God”, the priest eagerly replies.
After perusing his list for a moment St Peter looks at the priest and says
“very well, take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the kingdom of the Lord.”
At hearing this the priest is indignant,
“What, but I’ve been faithfully serving the Lord all my life, why did that taxi driver get such amazing treatment compared to me.”
St Peter stares silently at the priest.
Finally, he replies, “my child, up here we work by results. While you preached people slept, but while he drove, people prayed.”
A young lad was visiting a church
A husband sends a text to his wife
19.
It was a bitter divorce, after four years of marriage and two children it was over.
Sam showed up in court together with his ex to see what the verdict would be.
Finally after a long court case the verdict was decided.
OK, said the judge, turning to Sam, I am rewarding your ex-wife Ann $470 dollars a month.
That’s really kind of you, and I really appreciate it said Sam I’ll try to send her a little bit from time to time myself.
Anne went away to college
Mom Dad Sit Down
It was a bitter divorce, after four years of marriage and two children it was over.
Sam showed up in court together with his ex to see what the verdict would be.
Finally after a long court case the verdict was decided.
OK, said the judge, turning to Sam, I am rewarding your ex-wife Ann $470 dollars a month.
That’s really kind of you, and I really appreciate it said Sam I’ll try to send her a little bit from time to time myself.
Anne went away to college
Mom Dad Sit Down
20.
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he’s topping 100 mph.
The man eventually realizes he can’t escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, “It’s been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I’ll let you go.”
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, “My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago.
I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!”
A doctor says to them
Ralph is driving home
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he’s topping 100 mph.
The man eventually realizes he can’t escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, “It’s been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I’ll let you go.”
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, “My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago.
I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!”
A doctor says to them
Ralph is driving home
21.
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot.
The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, “The parrot on the left costs $500.”
“Why does the parrot cost so much?” asks the customer.
The owner says, “Well, the parrot knows how to do legal research.”
The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case.
Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third parrot, to be told that it costs $4,000.
Needless to say, this aroused the question, “What can it do?”
To which the owner replies, “To be honest, I’ve never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner.”
The husband and wife have a quarrel
A man working in an IT company
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot.
The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, “The parrot on the left costs $500.”
“Why does the parrot cost so much?” asks the customer.
The owner says, “Well, the parrot knows how to do legal research.”
The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case.
Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third parrot, to be told that it costs $4,000.
Needless to say, this aroused the question, “What can it do?”
To which the owner replies, “To be honest, I’ve never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner.”
The husband and wife have a quarrel
A man working in an IT company
22.
My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that “help” you get an self enjoyment.
You should of seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills.
I’m still looking for a place to live.
A mother and father took their son
A boy comes back from school
My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that “help” you get an self enjoyment.
You should of seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills.
I’m still looking for a place to live.
A mother and father took their son
A boy comes back from school
23.
A Guy walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender.
Just as the bartender is about to ask the customer for his order he hears a phone ring.
The customer puts his hand up to his ear and says, “Hello? No honey, I’ll be home in 20 minutes, love
you, bye.”
The bartender says, “What the heck is that?”
The customer replies “It’s my hand phone..give me your home number so you can try it.”
With that, the bartender gives him his home number and the customer punches the numbers in on his hand and puts his hand up to the bartender’s ear.
The bartender’s wife answers and he who is very amazed says, “I…honey… just thought I’d call you and tell you I love you OK bye.”
The bartender says, “That’s amazing! How do you get one?”
“I’ll tell you when I get back from the restroom.”
30 minutes later there is no sign of the customer and the bartender is getting concerned so he walks to the restroom to make sure the guy is OK.
When he enters he finds the guy with his pants around his ankles, bent over with his palms on the wall and a long piece of toilet paper hanging out of his bum.
“What the hell are you doing?” asks the incredulous bartender.
“Give me a second,” the man replies as he grunts and groans, “I’m getting a fax.”
A young blonde lady went on a tour
A man goes to take out a loan
A Guy walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender.
Just as the bartender is about to ask the customer for his order he hears a phone ring.
The customer puts his hand up to his ear and says, “Hello? No honey, I’ll be home in 20 minutes, love
you, bye.”
The bartender says, “What the heck is that?”
The customer replies “It’s my hand phone..give me your home number so you can try it.”
With that, the bartender gives him his home number and the customer punches the numbers in on his hand and puts his hand up to the bartender’s ear.
The bartender’s wife answers and he who is very amazed says, “I…honey… just thought I’d call you and tell you I love you OK bye.”
The bartender says, “That’s amazing! How do you get one?”
“I’ll tell you when I get back from the restroom.”
30 minutes later there is no sign of the customer and the bartender is getting concerned so he walks to the restroom to make sure the guy is OK.
When he enters he finds the guy with his pants around his ankles, bent over with his palms on the wall and a long piece of toilet paper hanging out of his bum.
“What the hell are you doing?” asks the incredulous bartender.
“Give me a second,” the man replies as he grunts and groans, “I’m getting a fax.”
A young blonde lady went on a tour
A man goes to take out a loan
24.
An 80 year old women was caught shoplifting a can of peaches.
During her court appearance the judge asked the lady.
“So tell me why did you steal the peaches?” to which the old lady replied,
“Your honor I was very hungry because my husband and I have no money to eat”.
The judge then asked the old lady “How many peaches were in the tin?”
“Six” she replied.
“OK i’m going to give you one day in prison for each peach.”
All of a sudden, the wife’s husband stood up and objected the judge’s ruling.
“Your honor I have to admit, last week she stole a can of peas”.
Two old ladies Dolly and Ruby
Two men were having a of golf
An 80 year old women was caught shoplifting a can of peaches.
During her court appearance the judge asked the lady.
“So tell me why did you steal the peaches?” to which the old lady replied,
“Your honor I was very hungry because my husband and I have no money to eat”.
The judge then asked the old lady “How many peaches were in the tin?”
“Six” she replied.
“OK i’m going to give you one day in prison for each peach.”
All of a sudden, the wife’s husband stood up and objected the judge’s ruling.
“Your honor I have to admit, last week she stole a can of peas”.
Two old ladies Dolly and Ruby
Two men were having a of golf
25.
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.
“These hills are getting steeper as the years go by,” one complained.
“These fairways seem to be getting longer too,” said one of the others.
“The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too,” said the third senior.
After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said…
“Quit your dang complaining and just be thankful we’re still on the right side of the grass!”
Two Travelers walking in the noonday
The pilot complains about the airman
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.
“These hills are getting steeper as the years go by,” one complained.
“These fairways seem to be getting longer too,” said one of the others.
“The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too,” said the third senior.
After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said…
“Quit your dang complaining and just be thankful we’re still on the right side of the grass!”
Two Travelers walking in the noonday
The pilot complains about the airman
26.
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber runs out and shoots her three times in the stomach.
Luckily the babies are okay and the surgeon decides to leave the bullets where they are as it is too risky to operate.
All is fine for 16 years and then one daughter walks into the room in tears.
“What’s wrong,” asks the mother.
“Well, mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out,” replies the daughter.
The mother tells her it is okay and explains what happened 16 years before.
About a week later the second daughter walks into the room in tears.
“Mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out.”
The mother tells her what happened 16 years before and tells her not to worry.
Another week passes by and the son walks into the room in tears.
“It’s okay,” says the mother, “I know what has happened, you were having a wee and a bullet came out.”
“No,” says the boy,
“I was having a wank and I’ve shot the dog
A priest is walking down the river
There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber runs out and shoots her three times in the stomach.
Luckily the babies are okay and the surgeon decides to leave the bullets where they are as it is too risky to operate.
All is fine for 16 years and then one daughter walks into the room in tears.
“What’s wrong,” asks the mother.
“Well, mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out,” replies the daughter.
The mother tells her it is okay and explains what happened 16 years before.
About a week later the second daughter walks into the room in tears.
“Mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out.”
The mother tells her what happened 16 years before and tells her not to worry.
Another week passes by and the son walks into the room in tears.
“It’s okay,” says the mother, “I know what has happened, you were having a wee and a bullet came out.”
“No,” says the boy,
“I was having a wank and I’ve shot the dog
A priest is walking down the river
There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish
27.
Sister Marry was truly a religious woman.
Besides for her duties as a nun, she was also very active in various hospitals visiting sick patients and taking care of all their needs.
So it was no surprise that one day when she ran out of gas, the only container she could find to put the gas into was a bedpan.
Sister Mary happily walked two blocks to the closest gas station filled up the bedpan with gas and headed back to her car.
Luck would have it that as Sister Mary started tipping the gas into the fuel tank, the traffic light turned red and she had quite a large audience witnessing the spectacle.
Just when she finished pouring in the last drops of gas a fellow opened up his window and hollered, “I swear! If that car starts I’m becoming a religious man!”
Little Bob went with his mom to church
A lady went to a psychiatrist
Sister Marry was truly a religious woman.
Besides for her duties as a nun, she was also very active in various hospitals visiting sick patients and taking care of all their needs.
So it was no surprise that one day when she ran out of gas, the only container she could find to put the gas into was a bedpan.
Sister Mary happily walked two blocks to the closest gas station filled up the bedpan with gas and headed back to her car.
Luck would have it that as Sister Mary started tipping the gas into the fuel tank, the traffic light turned red and she had quite a large audience witnessing the spectacle.
Just when she finished pouring in the last drops of gas a fellow opened up his window and hollered, “I swear! If that car starts I’m becoming a religious man!”
Little Bob went with his mom to church
A lady went to a psychiatrist
28.
A couple is in bed sleeping when there’s a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it’s half past 3 in the morning.
“I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows. So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there’s a man standing there. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
“Hi there,” slurs the stranger, “Can you give me a push?”
“No, get lost. It’s half past three and I was in bed,” says the man as he slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened and she says, “That wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?”
“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.
“It doesn’t matter,” says the wife.” He needs our help and it’s the right thing to help him.” So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere,
He shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push?”
And he hears a voice cry out, “Yeah, please.”
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?” The drunk replies, “Over here, on the swing.”
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son
A couple were making their first doctor visit
A couple is in bed sleeping when there’s a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it’s half past 3 in the morning.
“I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows. So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there’s a man standing there. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
“Hi there,” slurs the stranger, “Can you give me a push?”
“No, get lost. It’s half past three and I was in bed,” says the man as he slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened and she says, “That wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?”
“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.
“It doesn’t matter,” says the wife.” He needs our help and it’s the right thing to help him.” So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere,
He shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push?”
And he hears a voice cry out, “Yeah, please.”
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?” The drunk replies, “Over here, on the swing.”
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son
A couple were making their first doctor visit
29.
Jane was waiting for Sam to return from an outing with his boss. Around 6:30 p.m., she began to worry.
Sam finally stumbled in around 8pm, and looked exhausted and worn out.
“What happened? You were supposed to be here 3 hours ago. You look horrible!”
Sam caught his breath and collapsed on his couch.
“We were playing golf… we got to the third hole, and the boss had a heart attack and died on the spot.”
Jane gasped. “Oh my God- that must have been horrible!”
“Tell me about it,” replied Sam. “For 15 more holes, it was hit the ball, drag the boss, hit the ball, drag the boss…”
A Man Was Driving Down the Road
A group of kindergartners were trying
Jane was waiting for Sam to return from an outing with his boss. Around 6:30 p.m., she began to worry.
Sam finally stumbled in around 8pm, and looked exhausted and worn out.
“What happened? You were supposed to be here 3 hours ago. You look horrible!”
Sam caught his breath and collapsed on his couch.
“We were playing golf… we got to the third hole, and the boss had a heart attack and died on the spot.”
Jane gasped. “Oh my God- that must have been horrible!”
“Tell me about it,” replied Sam. “For 15 more holes, it was hit the ball, drag the boss, hit the ball, drag the boss…”
A Man Was Driving Down the Road
A group of kindergartners were trying
30.
Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
“Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me.” she told him.
“Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,
“How does that feel?”
He replied, “It feels great, but I still think my thumb’s broken.”
Adam was talking to his friend
A young couple on their wedding night
Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
“Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me.” she told him.
“Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,
“How does that feel?”
He replied, “It feels great, but I still think my thumb’s broken.”
Adam was talking to his friend
A young couple on their wedding night
Tags:
eng jokes