1.
Grandpa was telling his young grandson what life was like when he was a boy.
“In the winter we’d ice skate on our pond.
In the summer we could swim in the pond, and pick berries in the woods.
We’d swing on an old tire my dad hung from a tree on a rope.
And we had a pony we rode all over the farm.”
The little boy was amazed,, and sat silently for a minute.
Finally, he said, “Granddad, I wish I’d gotten to know you a lot sooner!”
A couple were having an argument
A father put his daughter to bed
Grandpa was telling his young grandson what life was like when he was a boy.
“In the winter we’d ice skate on our pond.
In the summer we could swim in the pond, and pick berries in the woods.
We’d swing on an old tire my dad hung from a tree on a rope.
And we had a pony we rode all over the farm.”
The little boy was amazed,, and sat silently for a minute.
Finally, he said, “Granddad, I wish I’d gotten to know you a lot sooner!”
A couple were having an argument
A father put his daughter to bed
2.
A man and his wife were having an argument in bed.
After the husband had finally had enough, he jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.
The next day, the wife feeling bad about what happened, decided to buy her husband a gift. Since he was an avid golfer, she went to the pro shop at the club where he usually played golf.
The wife talked with the pro, and he suggested a putter and showed her one of his finest. “How much is it?” she asked.
“One-hundred and fifty dollars,” he replied.
She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.
“But it comes with an inscription,” the pro said.
“What kind of inscription?” she asked.
“Whatever you wish,” he explained.
“But, one of the old golfers’ favorites is: ‘Never Up, Never In’.”
“Oh, that will never do!” exclaimed the wife.
“That’s what started the argument in the first place.”
A couple that had been married
John asks his wife Mary
A man and his wife were having an argument in bed.
After the husband had finally had enough, he jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.
The next day, the wife feeling bad about what happened, decided to buy her husband a gift. Since he was an avid golfer, she went to the pro shop at the club where he usually played golf.
The wife talked with the pro, and he suggested a putter and showed her one of his finest. “How much is it?” she asked.
“One-hundred and fifty dollars,” he replied.
She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.
“But it comes with an inscription,” the pro said.
“What kind of inscription?” she asked.
“Whatever you wish,” he explained.
“But, one of the old golfers’ favorites is: ‘Never Up, Never In’.”
“Oh, that will never do!” exclaimed the wife.
“That’s what started the argument in the first place.”
A couple that had been married
John asks his wife Mary
3.
A 17 year old guy walks into a drug store.
He says “I’ve been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend’s house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean.”
Clerk: “How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here’s a pack.”
The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: “you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I’ll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky.”
Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn’t say a word.
After a while his girlfriend says: “if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn’t have invited you.”
The young man replies “if you had told me your dad works at the drug store, I wouldn’t have come.”
A couple were Christmas shopping
Wife sent text to husband
A 17 year old guy walks into a drug store.
He says “I’ve been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend’s house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean.”
Clerk: “How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here’s a pack.”
The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: “you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I’ll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky.”
Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn’t say a word.
After a while his girlfriend says: “if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn’t have invited you.”
The young man replies “if you had told me your dad works at the drug store, I wouldn’t have come.”
A couple were Christmas shopping
Wife sent text to husband
4.
A man shops for groceries with his wife.
The man sees a case of beer on one of the shelves and puts it in the cart.
“What are you doing?” asks his wife.
“They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans.” he responds.
“Well, put it back. We can’t afford those.”
Without another word, the man obeys his wife and puts the case back on the shelf.
In the next aisle over, the wife sees a bottle of facial cream and puts it in the cart.
“What are you doing?” the man asks.
“It’s my face cream and it’s on sale for $20. It makes me look beautiful.” she replies.
“So does a 24 pack of beer, and it’s half the price!”
A Husband And Wife Went To Have Dinner
Johnny and his family were having dinner
A man shops for groceries with his wife.
The man sees a case of beer on one of the shelves and puts it in the cart.
“What are you doing?” asks his wife.
“They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans.” he responds.
“Well, put it back. We can’t afford those.”
Without another word, the man obeys his wife and puts the case back on the shelf.
In the next aisle over, the wife sees a bottle of facial cream and puts it in the cart.
“What are you doing?” the man asks.
“It’s my face cream and it’s on sale for $20. It makes me look beautiful.” she replies.
“So does a 24 pack of beer, and it’s half the price!”
A Husband And Wife Went To Have Dinner
Johnny and his family were having dinner
5.
One day an old lady and an old man were sitting on their porch when the old lady says “Hey pa, why don’t you run down to the restaurant and get us some ice cream.”
Pa said, “OK I will go right now.”
Ma told him that she had better write it down for him, because he always forgets.
He said no he would be fine, so off he went to the restaurant.
When he got back he handed her a hamburger and she said “Dang it pa, I knew you would forget, I told you to get mustard on mine!”
A man went to his doctor and told
Two men are drinking in a bar
One day an old lady and an old man were sitting on their porch when the old lady says “Hey pa, why don’t you run down to the restaurant and get us some ice cream.”
Pa said, “OK I will go right now.”
Ma told him that she had better write it down for him, because he always forgets.
He said no he would be fine, so off he went to the restaurant.
When he got back he handed her a hamburger and she said “Dang it pa, I knew you would forget, I told you to get mustard on mine!”
A man went to his doctor and told
Two men are drinking in a bar
6.
An 80-year-old man goes for a physical.
All of his tests come back with normal results.
The doctor says, “George, everything looks great.
How are you doing mentally and emotionally?
Are you at peace with God?”
George replies, “God and I are tight.
He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof!
The light goes on.
When I’m done, poof! the light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls George’s wife.
“Ethel,” he says, “George is doing fine!
But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God.
Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof! the light goes off?”
Oh my God!” Ethel exclaims.
“He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
Juan comes up to the border on his bicycle
He breaks into a house to look for money
An 80-year-old man goes for a physical.
All of his tests come back with normal results.
The doctor says, “George, everything looks great.
How are you doing mentally and emotionally?
Are you at peace with God?”
George replies, “God and I are tight.
He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof!
The light goes on.
When I’m done, poof! the light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls George’s wife.
“Ethel,” he says, “George is doing fine!
But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God.
Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof! the light goes off?”
Oh my God!” Ethel exclaims.
“He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
Juan comes up to the border on his bicycle
He breaks into a house to look for money
7.
Two men were having a slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course.
They didn’t bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.
After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said:
“I think I’ll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through.”
He walked out the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around, and came back, explaining:
“I can’t do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress! Maybe you’d better go talk to them.”
The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back and said: “Small world.”
The judge asked the lady
The ninety-five-year-old woman
Two men were having a slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course.
They didn’t bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.
After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said:
“I think I’ll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through.”
He walked out the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around, and came back, explaining:
“I can’t do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress! Maybe you’d better go talk to them.”
The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back and said: “Small world.”
The judge asked the lady
The ninety-five-year-old woman
8.
Tom was in his early 50s, retired and started a second career.
However, he just couldn’t seem to get to work on time every day he was five, ten or fifteen minutes late.
But as he was a good worker and very sharp, the boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it.
Finally, one day he called Tom into his office for a talk.
“Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome.”
“Yes, I know boss and I am working on it.”
“Well good, you are a team player.
That’s what I like to hear It’s odd though, your coming in late.
I know you’re retired from the Air Force what did they say if you came in late there?”
“They said, ‘Good morning, General’.”
Edna are both mental patients
A water bearer in India had two large pot
Tom was in his early 50s, retired and started a second career.
However, he just couldn’t seem to get to work on time every day he was five, ten or fifteen minutes late.
But as he was a good worker and very sharp, the boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it.
Finally, one day he called Tom into his office for a talk.
“Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome.”
“Yes, I know boss and I am working on it.”
“Well good, you are a team player.
That’s what I like to hear It’s odd though, your coming in late.
I know you’re retired from the Air Force what did they say if you came in late there?”
“They said, ‘Good morning, General’.”
Edna are both mental patients
A water bearer in India had two large pot
9.
An old man and a 20 year old are paired together at a golf tournament.
They’re playing a long par 5 that dog legs around some tall trees.
As the 20 year old sets up his tee shot to hit onto the fairway the old man notes
“when I was your age we used to hit over the trees not around to the side.”
So the 20 year old readjusts and tries to hit over the trees but can’t clear them and loses his ball.
He tries again and loses that one too.
Then the old man says “of course, when I was your age, the trees were only 6 foot tall.”
A truck driver was going down
A boss says to his secretary
An old man and a 20 year old are paired together at a golf tournament.
They’re playing a long par 5 that dog legs around some tall trees.
As the 20 year old sets up his tee shot to hit onto the fairway the old man notes
“when I was your age we used to hit over the trees not around to the side.”
So the 20 year old readjusts and tries to hit over the trees but can’t clear them and loses his ball.
He tries again and loses that one too.
Then the old man says “of course, when I was your age, the trees were only 6 foot tall.”
A truck driver was going down
A boss says to his secretary
10.
There was a loser who couldn’t get a date.
He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date.
The guy said, “It’s simple.
I just say, I’m a lawyer.”
So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out.
After she said “No,” he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.
She said, “Oh!!!! Your a lawyer?”
He said, “Why,… Yes I am!”
So they went to his place and when they were in bed, lovemaking, he started to laugh to himself.
When she asked what was so funny, he answered, “Well, I’ve only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I’m already lovemaking someone.
One knight told his best friend
Young lady drove a little yellow sports car
There was a loser who couldn’t get a date.
He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date.
The guy said, “It’s simple.
I just say, I’m a lawyer.”
So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out.
After she said “No,” he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.
She said, “Oh!!!! Your a lawyer?”
He said, “Why,… Yes I am!”
So they went to his place and when they were in bed, lovemaking, he started to laugh to himself.
When she asked what was so funny, he answered, “Well, I’ve only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I’m already lovemaking someone.
One knight told his best friend
Young lady drove a little yellow sports car
11.
A biker pulls up outside a roadside bar in Louisiana after a long day in the saddle.
Stiffly he walks in, gets a beer and sits down.
By his third, he realises some of the locals are looking at him and whispering.
The biker walks out and returns a few minutes later with an alligator.
He drops it on the floor, drops his pants and flops his tackle in the alligator’s mouth.
Snap! The jaws shut on his tackle.
Teeth gritted, the man counts out loud to ten, then pokes the alligator in the eyes and it lets go.
“Right!” shouts the biker,
“any of you man enough to do that?”
After a moment of silence a voice from the back says
“I will if you promise not to poke me in the eyes.”
Six Old Ladies undressed On The Grass
Doctor’s Good Decent Assistant
A biker pulls up outside a roadside bar in Louisiana after a long day in the saddle.
Stiffly he walks in, gets a beer and sits down.
By his third, he realises some of the locals are looking at him and whispering.
The biker walks out and returns a few minutes later with an alligator.
He drops it on the floor, drops his pants and flops his tackle in the alligator’s mouth.
Snap! The jaws shut on his tackle.
Teeth gritted, the man counts out loud to ten, then pokes the alligator in the eyes and it lets go.
“Right!” shouts the biker,
“any of you man enough to do that?”
After a moment of silence a voice from the back says
“I will if you promise not to poke me in the eyes.”
Six Old Ladies undressed On The Grass
Doctor’s Good Decent Assistant
12.
Wife: I heard you have a new secretary today?
Husband: yes.
Wife: Is she smart?
Husband: yes.
Wife: Is she pretty?
Husband: yes.
Wife: How did she dress today?
Husband:Very quickly.
Grandpa and Johnny are sitting on a bench
A couple moves into a new neighborhood
Wife: I heard you have a new secretary today?
Husband: yes.
Wife: Is she smart?
Husband: yes.
Wife: Is she pretty?
Husband: yes.
Wife: How did she dress today?
Husband:Very quickly.
Grandpa and Johnny are sitting on a bench
A couple moves into a new neighborhood
13.
An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldom saw many people.
One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy anything.
“Well, my wife ain’t home, she’s gone down to the crick to wash clothes, but lemme see what you got,” said the man.
The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn’t interested.
Then the man spotted a mirror and said, “What’s that?”
Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said, “My God how’d you get a picture of my Pappy?”
The old man was so happy, he traded his wife’s best pitcher for it.
The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale.
The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her best pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some boxes of junk.
He would go out to the barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the “picture” and eventually the wife got suspicious.
One day she got fed up and after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn.
She saw the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said, “so this is the hussy he’s been fooling around with!”
He picked up the phone
A little boy comes down for breakfast
An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldom saw many people.
One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy anything.
“Well, my wife ain’t home, she’s gone down to the crick to wash clothes, but lemme see what you got,” said the man.
The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn’t interested.
Then the man spotted a mirror and said, “What’s that?”
Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said, “My God how’d you get a picture of my Pappy?”
The old man was so happy, he traded his wife’s best pitcher for it.
The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale.
The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her best pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some boxes of junk.
He would go out to the barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the “picture” and eventually the wife got suspicious.
One day she got fed up and after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn.
She saw the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said, “so this is the hussy he’s been fooling around with!”
He picked up the phone
A little boy comes down for breakfast
14.
A man was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring his reflection, when he posed the following question to his wife of 20 years, “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?”
She answered, “Of course I will. I’ve already been doing it for the past 5 years haven’t I?”
A husband look at his wife one day and said
The husband was falling asleep
A man was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring his reflection, when he posed the following question to his wife of 20 years, “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?”
She answered, “Of course I will. I’ve already been doing it for the past 5 years haven’t I?”
A husband look at his wife one day and said
The husband was falling asleep
15.
A woman is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”
When the woman returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.
“Wow, that’s amazing!” the doctor says.
“Did you follow my instructions?”
The woman nods…
“I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”
“From hunger, you mean?” said the doctor.
“No, from skipping,” replied the woman.
A couple lived near the ocean
Funny Psychiatrists
A woman is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”
When the woman returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.
“Wow, that’s amazing!” the doctor says.
“Did you follow my instructions?”
The woman nods…
“I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”
“From hunger, you mean?” said the doctor.
“No, from skipping,” replied the woman.
A couple lived near the ocean
Funny Psychiatrists
16.
Two men are drinking in a bar.
One turns to the other and says, “I bet you $100 that I can bite my eye.”
The second fellow thinks to himself, I guess he’s had about enough, so he replies, “OK, you’re on.”
The first man takes out his glass eye and bites it.
So the second man has to pay.
Awhile later the first man says, “I bet you $100 I can bite my other eye.”
The second man thinks, well, he can’t have TWO glass eyes; he obviously can see.
So he says, “All right, you’re on.”
The first man promptly takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye.
A old lady and old man were sitting on their porch
A speeding driver was pulled over
Two men are drinking in a bar.
One turns to the other and says, “I bet you $100 that I can bite my eye.”
The second fellow thinks to himself, I guess he’s had about enough, so he replies, “OK, you’re on.”
The first man takes out his glass eye and bites it.
So the second man has to pay.
Awhile later the first man says, “I bet you $100 I can bite my other eye.”
The second man thinks, well, he can’t have TWO glass eyes; he obviously can see.
So he says, “All right, you’re on.”
The first man promptly takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye.
A old lady and old man were sitting on their porch
A speeding driver was pulled over
17.
Three guys were drinking in a pub.
Two of them were talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remained quiet.
After a while one of the first two turned to the third and said, Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?
The third fellow said, I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.
The first two guys were amazed. Wow! What happened then? they asked.
The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed, and uttered, She said, Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.
A man enters a barbershop for a shave
A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress
Three guys were drinking in a pub.
Two of them were talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remained quiet.
After a while one of the first two turned to the third and said, Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?
The third fellow said, I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.
The first two guys were amazed. Wow! What happened then? they asked.
The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed, and uttered, She said, Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.
A man enters a barbershop for a shave
A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress
18.
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said,
“If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said,
“If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero”
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week.”
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want.”
Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”
The man said, “Look, I’m a computer programmer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.”
A old man was in the hospital
A old lady married four times
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said,
“If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said,
“If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero”
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week.”
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want.”
Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”
The man said, “Look, I’m a computer programmer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.”
A old man was in the hospital
A old lady married four times
19.
A man was telling his co-worker one day that the company was transferring him to Chicago.
He explained that he was going to quit before he had to move there.
When asked why, he replied that he was just too afraid of all the crime even though he would be passing up a big salary increase and greater benefits.
His co-worker said he should reconsider Chicago was a magnificent city, with world class museums, loaded with a great history, sites, good public transportation, etc.
Then he said: “Why I myself worked in Chicago for almost 10 years, and in all that time I never ever had a problem with crime while I was working.”
The first asked “What did you do there?”
To which the other replied, “I was tail-gunner on a bread truck.”
Little Willie came home in a sad
Susan spoke to the insurance agent
A man was telling his co-worker one day that the company was transferring him to Chicago.
He explained that he was going to quit before he had to move there.
When asked why, he replied that he was just too afraid of all the crime even though he would be passing up a big salary increase and greater benefits.
His co-worker said he should reconsider Chicago was a magnificent city, with world class museums, loaded with a great history, sites, good public transportation, etc.
Then he said: “Why I myself worked in Chicago for almost 10 years, and in all that time I never ever had a problem with crime while I was working.”
The first asked “What did you do there?”
To which the other replied, “I was tail-gunner on a bread truck.”
Little Willie came home in a sad
Susan spoke to the insurance agent
20.
An Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.
“Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm”?
“Because he was conceived during a mighty storm”, she said.
Then he asked “Why is my sister named Cornflower”?
“Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her”, she replied.
He then asked “And why is my other sister called Moon child”?
“We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived”, the mother replies.
The mother paused and said to her son… “Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?”
A man and a woman were fast asleep in bed
A elderly couple were having an elegant dinner
An Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.
“Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm”?
“Because he was conceived during a mighty storm”, she said.
Then he asked “Why is my sister named Cornflower”?
“Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her”, she replied.
He then asked “And why is my other sister called Moon child”?
“We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived”, the mother replies.
The mother paused and said to her son… “Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?”
A man and a woman were fast asleep in bed
A elderly couple were having an elegant dinner
21.
A couple were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child.
After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife’s stomach with indelible ink.
The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was.
In very tiny letters, the stamp said, “When you can read this, come back and see me.”
A couple is in bed sleeping
The doctor tells his patient
A couple were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child.
After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife’s stomach with indelible ink.
The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was.
In very tiny letters, the stamp said, “When you can read this, come back and see me.”
A couple is in bed sleeping
The doctor tells his patient
22.
A man was driving down the highway when another car starts to tailgate him.
To make some room between them, the man in front speeds up and pulls ahead.
As he speeds up, the car behind him speeds up and matches his speed.
Again, the man speeds up to make some room between the two cars.
Again, the car behind him speeds up and continues to tailgate home.
To make matters work, the man’s wife calls his cell phone.
“Hey, dear, sorry I can’t talk right now.
I’m on the highway going ninety miles per hour but this bozo is still tailgating me like crazy.
And to make matters worse,” the man continues, “he’s blinding me with his red and blue lights.”
Three guys were walking through
Little kids want to help you
A man was driving down the highway when another car starts to tailgate him.
To make some room between them, the man in front speeds up and pulls ahead.
As he speeds up, the car behind him speeds up and matches his speed.
Again, the man speeds up to make some room between the two cars.
Again, the car behind him speeds up and continues to tailgate home.
To make matters work, the man’s wife calls his cell phone.
“Hey, dear, sorry I can’t talk right now.
I’m on the highway going ninety miles per hour but this bozo is still tailgating me like crazy.
And to make matters worse,” the man continues, “he’s blinding me with his red and blue lights.”
Three guys were walking through
Little kids want to help you
23.
A man is playing with a stray dog.
His wife says, “Don’t play with this ugly and disgusting thing!”
The husband defends, “Come on. He isn’t that ugly and disgusting.”
The wife looks at him, “I was speaking to the dog.”
A old lady comes in for her medical check up
One day he rushes into a lawyer
A man is playing with a stray dog.
His wife says, “Don’t play with this ugly and disgusting thing!”
The husband defends, “Come on. He isn’t that ugly and disgusting.”
The wife looks at him, “I was speaking to the dog.”
A old lady comes in for her medical check up
One day he rushes into a lawyer
24.
A mathematician, biologist and physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street.
First they see two people going into the house time passes.
After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The physicist says: “The measurement wasn’t accurate.”
The biologist concludes: “They have reproduced.”
The mathematician says: “Now if another person enters the house, it’ll be empty again.”
A frog and an iguana
The officer signals for her to pull over
A mathematician, biologist and physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street.
First they see two people going into the house time passes.
After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The physicist says: “The measurement wasn’t accurate.”
The biologist concludes: “They have reproduced.”
The mathematician says: “Now if another person enters the house, it’ll be empty again.”
A frog and an iguana
The officer signals for her to pull over
25.
A confused father goes to buy a Barbie Doll for his daughters birthday.
The salesperson answers, ‘Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95.
Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95.
Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95′.
The amazed father asks: ‘It’s what? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?’
Annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:
‘Sir…, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken’s Truck, Ken’s House, Ken’s Fishing Boat, Ken’s Furniture, Ken’s Dog, Ken’s Computer, one of Ken’s Friends, and a key chain made from Ken’s testicles.’
Inspiring Husband
Sally was driving home
A confused father goes to buy a Barbie Doll for his daughters birthday.
The salesperson answers, ‘Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95.
Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95.
Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95′.
The amazed father asks: ‘It’s what? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?’
Annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:
‘Sir…, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken’s Truck, Ken’s House, Ken’s Fishing Boat, Ken’s Furniture, Ken’s Dog, Ken’s Computer, one of Ken’s Friends, and a key chain made from Ken’s testicles.’
Inspiring Husband
Sally was driving home
26.
An 82-year-old husband and 80-year wife went to breakfast at a restaurant,
Where the ‘seniors’ special’ was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.
‘Sounds good,’ the wife said.
‘But I don’t want the eggs.’ Said the old husband.
‘Then, I’ll have to charge you $3.49 because you’re ordering a la carte,’ the waitress warned her.
‘You mean I’d have to pay for not taking the eggs?’ wife asked incredulously.
‘YES!’ stated the waitress.
‘I’ll take the special then,’ wife said…
‘How do you want your eggs?’ the waitress asked.
‘Raw and in the shell,’ the wife replied.
She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.
A couple is dressed and ready
A rich tycoon and his wife are having dinner
An 82-year-old husband and 80-year wife went to breakfast at a restaurant,
Where the ‘seniors’ special’ was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.
‘Sounds good,’ the wife said.
‘But I don’t want the eggs.’ Said the old husband.
‘Then, I’ll have to charge you $3.49 because you’re ordering a la carte,’ the waitress warned her.
‘You mean I’d have to pay for not taking the eggs?’ wife asked incredulously.
‘YES!’ stated the waitress.
‘I’ll take the special then,’ wife said…
‘How do you want your eggs?’ the waitress asked.
‘Raw and in the shell,’ the wife replied.
She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.
A couple is dressed and ready
A rich tycoon and his wife are having dinner
27.
A Chinese walks into a bar in Hollywood late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg
As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, “You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get outta here.”
The astonished Chinese man replied, “It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese”.
“Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you’re all the same,” replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, “You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship.”
Shocked, Spielberg replies, “It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me.”
The Chinese replies, “Iceberg, Spielberg, Jarlsberg, you’re all the same.”
He lies dying on the sidewalk
A long day of golf with his golf buddies
A Chinese walks into a bar in Hollywood late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg
As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, “You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get outta here.”
The astonished Chinese man replied, “It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese”.
“Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you’re all the same,” replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, “You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship.”
Shocked, Spielberg replies, “It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me.”
The Chinese replies, “Iceberg, Spielberg, Jarlsberg, you’re all the same.”
He lies dying on the sidewalk
A long day of golf with his golf buddies
28.
An old man goes to his doctor, complaining about a pain in his leg that doesn’t heal and wants a diagnosis and explanation.
The doctor checks out his leg, but can’t find anything wrong.
So he gives the old guy a full physical exam, and still can’t come up with any possible explanation for the pain.
The doctor hands the patient his bill and says, “I’m sorry but the pain in your leg is simply caused by old age, there’s nothing I can do about it.”
The old man replies with a look of disbelief, “That’s impossible! That can’t be!”
The Doctor says, “What do you mean? I’m the expert here; if you know so much, how can you say it’s NOT old age?”
The patient answers, “I’m no doctor but it doesn’t take a medical degree to tell that your diagnosis is wrong.
Clearly you’re mistaken. After all my other leg feels just fine.”
“So what?” says the doctor “What difference does that make?”
“Well it doesn’t hurt a bit, and it’s the SAME AGE!”
A Irishman is in the bar
A woman went shopping
An old man goes to his doctor, complaining about a pain in his leg that doesn’t heal and wants a diagnosis and explanation.
The doctor checks out his leg, but can’t find anything wrong.
So he gives the old guy a full physical exam, and still can’t come up with any possible explanation for the pain.
The doctor hands the patient his bill and says, “I’m sorry but the pain in your leg is simply caused by old age, there’s nothing I can do about it.”
The old man replies with a look of disbelief, “That’s impossible! That can’t be!”
The Doctor says, “What do you mean? I’m the expert here; if you know so much, how can you say it’s NOT old age?”
The patient answers, “I’m no doctor but it doesn’t take a medical degree to tell that your diagnosis is wrong.
Clearly you’re mistaken. After all my other leg feels just fine.”
“So what?” says the doctor “What difference does that make?”
“Well it doesn’t hurt a bit, and it’s the SAME AGE!”
A Irishman is in the bar
A woman went shopping
29.
Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench.
Ethel said, “You know, Mabel, I’ve been reading this ‘make love and Marriage’ book and all they talk about is ‘mutual peak’.
‘Mutual peak’ here and mutual peak’ there – that’s all they talk about.
Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have a mutual peak?”.
Mabel thought for a long while.
Finally, she shook her head and said,
“No, I think we had State Farm.”
Mom asks little johnny how his day at school
A woman goes to the store
Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench.
Ethel said, “You know, Mabel, I’ve been reading this ‘make love and Marriage’ book and all they talk about is ‘mutual peak’.
‘Mutual peak’ here and mutual peak’ there – that’s all they talk about.
Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have a mutual peak?”.
Mabel thought for a long while.
Finally, she shook her head and said,
“No, I think we had State Farm.”
Mom asks little johnny how his day at school
A woman goes to the store
30.
One day, the phone rang, and a little boy answered.
“May I speak to your parents?”
“They’re busy.”
“Oh. Is anybody else there?”
“The police.”
“Can I speak to them?”
“They’re busy.”
“Oh. Is anybody else there?”
“The firemen.”
“Can I speak to them?”
“They’re busy.”
“So let me get this straight your parents, the police, and the firemen are there, but they’re all busy? What are they doing?”
“Looking for me.”
Two men were golfing
A bodybuilder takes off his shirt
One day, the phone rang, and a little boy answered.
“May I speak to your parents?”
“They’re busy.”
“Oh. Is anybody else there?”
“The police.”
“Can I speak to them?”
“They’re busy.”
“Oh. Is anybody else there?”
“The firemen.”
“Can I speak to them?”
“They’re busy.”
“So let me get this straight your parents, the police, and the firemen are there, but they’re all busy? What are they doing?”
“Looking for me.”
Two men were golfing
A bodybuilder takes off his shirt
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eng jokes