1.
Little Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher.
“Johnny,” she said, “you shouldn’t use that kind of language. Where did you hear such talk, anyway?”
“My daddy said it,” he responded.
“Well, that doesn’t matter,” explained the teacher.
“You don’t even know what it means.”
“I do, too!” Little Johnny retorted.
“It means the car won’t start.”
Three nuns were talking
A guy walked into a doctor office
Little Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher.
“Johnny,” she said, “you shouldn’t use that kind of language. Where did you hear such talk, anyway?”
“My daddy said it,” he responded.
“Well, that doesn’t matter,” explained the teacher.
“You don’t even know what it means.”
“I do, too!” Little Johnny retorted.
“It means the car won’t start.”
Three nuns were talking
A guy walked into a doctor office
2.
A man walks into the barber shop, sits down in the chair and the barber asks, “How do you want your haircut?”
The man says, ” I would like the sideburns one high and one low, a few long hairs sticking out of the back and a few chunks on the side and top.”
The barber looks puzzled and says, “I’m not sure I can do that.”
The customer says, “Why not, you did it that way last time.”
A blonde goes to the doctor
A couple lays down for bed
A man walks into the barber shop, sits down in the chair and the barber asks, “How do you want your haircut?”
The man says, ” I would like the sideburns one high and one low, a few long hairs sticking out of the back and a few chunks on the side and top.”
The barber looks puzzled and says, “I’m not sure I can do that.”
The customer says, “Why not, you did it that way last time.”
A blonde goes to the doctor
A couple lays down for bed
3.
A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly.
As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter.
He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.
After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in.
“I’m doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I’m starting to get the hang of this.”
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly.
The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn’t radioed in.
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away.
He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.
When he asked what happened, she said, “I don’t know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!”
Three girls all worked in the same office
Two women came before wise King Solomon
A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly.
As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter.
He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.
After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in.
“I’m doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I’m starting to get the hang of this.”
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly.
The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn’t radioed in.
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away.
He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.
When he asked what happened, she said, “I don’t know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!”
Three girls all worked in the same office
Two women came before wise King Solomon
4.
A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father.
He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, “I’m running away from home!”
The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically.
“What if you get hungry?” he said.
“Then I’ll come home and eat!” bravely declared the child.
“And what if you run out of money?”
“I will come home and get some!”, readily replied the child.
The man then made a final attempt, “What if your clothes get dirty?”
“Then I’ll come home and let mommy wash them,” was the reply.
The man shook his head and exclaimed, “This kid is not running away from home, he’s going off to college!!!”
A husband and wife got into a spat
A man and his wife went without talking
A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father.
He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, “I’m running away from home!”
The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically.
“What if you get hungry?” he said.
“Then I’ll come home and eat!” bravely declared the child.
“And what if you run out of money?”
“I will come home and get some!”, readily replied the child.
The man then made a final attempt, “What if your clothes get dirty?”
“Then I’ll come home and let mommy wash them,” was the reply.
The man shook his head and exclaimed, “This kid is not running away from home, he’s going off to college!!!”
A husband and wife got into a spat
A man and his wife went without talking
5.
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife’s arm.
The wife turns over and says “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.”
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
“Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?”
A man walks into the barber shop
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife’s arm.
The wife turns over and says “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.”
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
“Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?”
A man walks into the barber shop
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists
6.
A restaurant manager is closing up for the night when he notices a man, disheveled and looking rather worse for wear, standing outside, tapping on the door.
The manager opens the door, assuming the man is homeless.
“Sorry, mate, you wouldn’t happen to have a spare fork going, would you?”, the homeless guy asks.
“Sure,” the manager tells him, as he grabs a fork from the cutlery drawer he’d been cleaning and hands it to him. The homeless guy tips his hat in gesture and walks away.
Five minutes later, the manager hears yet another knock on the glass, and sees a man of a similar state standing outside his restaurant. The manager sighs as he opens the door.
“Sorry to bother you so late, pal. Do you have a spare spoon that you don’t need anymore? Dessert or teaspoon, doesn’t matter which size.”
“You’re the second man looking for a piece of cutlery tonight!”, the manager shouts over his shoulder as he retrieves a dessert spoon from the drawer. He walks back and hands it to him.
“Thanks very much, have a nice night,” the homeless man says, as he walks off into the night.
Shortly after, a third man raps on the restaurant door. Annoyed, the manager storms over to the door and loses his temper.
“What, do you need a knife to go with that set your buddies took from me, too?”
“No, a straw, actually,” replies the homeless man.
The manager shoots him a puzzled look. “A straw? That’s it? What for?”
“Well, some poor lad’s after throwing up outside and all the good bits are gone.”
A teacher is going over farming tools
A husband and wife were out playing golf
A restaurant manager is closing up for the night when he notices a man, disheveled and looking rather worse for wear, standing outside, tapping on the door.
The manager opens the door, assuming the man is homeless.
“Sorry, mate, you wouldn’t happen to have a spare fork going, would you?”, the homeless guy asks.
“Sure,” the manager tells him, as he grabs a fork from the cutlery drawer he’d been cleaning and hands it to him. The homeless guy tips his hat in gesture and walks away.
Five minutes later, the manager hears yet another knock on the glass, and sees a man of a similar state standing outside his restaurant. The manager sighs as he opens the door.
“Sorry to bother you so late, pal. Do you have a spare spoon that you don’t need anymore? Dessert or teaspoon, doesn’t matter which size.”
“You’re the second man looking for a piece of cutlery tonight!”, the manager shouts over his shoulder as he retrieves a dessert spoon from the drawer. He walks back and hands it to him.
“Thanks very much, have a nice night,” the homeless man says, as he walks off into the night.
Shortly after, a third man raps on the restaurant door. Annoyed, the manager storms over to the door and loses his temper.
“What, do you need a knife to go with that set your buddies took from me, too?”
“No, a straw, actually,” replies the homeless man.
The manager shoots him a puzzled look. “A straw? That’s it? What for?”
“Well, some poor lad’s after throwing up outside and all the good bits are gone.”
A teacher is going over farming tools
A husband and wife were out playing golf
7.
As Mr.Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him.
He called for the three men he trusted most, his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman.
Mr.Smith told them, “I’m going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die.
At my funeral, I want you each to place the money in my coffin so that try to take it with me.”
All three agreed to do this and were given the money.
At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.
While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, “I have to confess something to you fellows.
Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this.
The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the month he gave me and bought one
I only put $20,000 in the coffin.”
The doctor then said, “Well, since we’re confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn’t put the full $30,000 in the coffin either.
Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn’t afford it then.
I used $20,000 of the money he gave to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient
I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that.”
The lawyer then said, “I;m ashamed of both of you.
When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal cheque for the full $30,000.”
The pilot safely performs an emergency landing
The boss of a big company needed to call
As Mr.Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him.
He called for the three men he trusted most, his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman.
Mr.Smith told them, “I’m going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die.
At my funeral, I want you each to place the money in my coffin so that try to take it with me.”
All three agreed to do this and were given the money.
At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.
While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, “I have to confess something to you fellows.
Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this.
The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the month he gave me and bought one
I only put $20,000 in the coffin.”
The doctor then said, “Well, since we’re confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn’t put the full $30,000 in the coffin either.
Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn’t afford it then.
I used $20,000 of the money he gave to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient
I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that.”
The lawyer then said, “I;m ashamed of both of you.
When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal cheque for the full $30,000.”
The pilot safely performs an emergency landing
The boss of a big company needed to call
8.
The old beady-eyed moderator in charge of the classroom stared towards the clock at the end of the room as the students furiously scribbled down the remainder of their answers, knowing that time was almost up.
Minutes later, the clock struck a new hour and the exam was over.
“YOUR TIME IS UP!” The grouchy supervisor barked, “Please hand in your papers into a pile on my desk.”
The students quietly got up, breathing sighs of relief as they quickly made a pile of test papers as they filed out of the classroom.
All except for one boy who was still finishing off his last answer.
He only finished 20 seconds after the rest of his classmates did, but when he got up to place his exam on the pile, the old man gestured for him to stop.
“Too late,” The old man sneered, “You should’ve handed in your paper earlier.”
The student’s mouth fell agape this wasn’t fair at all.
He stammered for a moment saying, “Hey, come on, I-I should be allowed to h-hand this in.”
Still, the old man refused.
Then the student said smugly, “Do you even know who I am?”
The old man looked up at him through his glasses, almost astounded by how smug this idiotic boy was acting.
“No, I do not,” The moderator replied.
Almost immediately, the student just said, “Good,” as he shoved his paper into the middle of the pile and then ran out of the room.
A wife was making a breakfast
The big game hunter
The old beady-eyed moderator in charge of the classroom stared towards the clock at the end of the room as the students furiously scribbled down the remainder of their answers, knowing that time was almost up.
Minutes later, the clock struck a new hour and the exam was over.
“YOUR TIME IS UP!” The grouchy supervisor barked, “Please hand in your papers into a pile on my desk.”
The students quietly got up, breathing sighs of relief as they quickly made a pile of test papers as they filed out of the classroom.
All except for one boy who was still finishing off his last answer.
He only finished 20 seconds after the rest of his classmates did, but when he got up to place his exam on the pile, the old man gestured for him to stop.
“Too late,” The old man sneered, “You should’ve handed in your paper earlier.”
The student’s mouth fell agape this wasn’t fair at all.
He stammered for a moment saying, “Hey, come on, I-I should be allowed to h-hand this in.”
Still, the old man refused.
Then the student said smugly, “Do you even know who I am?”
The old man looked up at him through his glasses, almost astounded by how smug this idiotic boy was acting.
“No, I do not,” The moderator replied.
Almost immediately, the student just said, “Good,” as he shoved his paper into the middle of the pile and then ran out of the room.
A wife was making a breakfast
The big game hunter
9.
A high school student came home from school seeming rather depressed.
“What’s the matter son?” asked his mother.
“Aw, gee,” said the boy, “it’s my marks. They’re all wet.”
“What do you mean, ‘all wet’?” she asks.
“I mean,” he replied, “well below C-level.”
John and Tony were in the bar
A blonde goes to the doctor
A high school student came home from school seeming rather depressed.
“What’s the matter son?” asked his mother.
“Aw, gee,” said the boy, “it’s my marks. They’re all wet.”
“What do you mean, ‘all wet’?” she asks.
“I mean,” he replied, “well below C-level.”
John and Tony were in the bar
A blonde goes to the doctor
10.
At lunch the first boy says, “My dad is the fastest because he is a brick layer & when he drops a brick from the 5th floor he can run to the ground level & be there before the brick hits!”
“Not bad,” says the 2nd boy, “But my dad is faster.”
“He is a professional archer.
When he shoots an arrow at the bulls-eye he can reach it before the arrow does!”
“That’s pretty fast,” says the 3rd boy, “But not as fast as my old man.”
“My dad works for the Government as a public servant, & when he finishes work at 5pm, he can get home by 2:30pm!”
A policeman was testing three Dumb brothers
A man & son going with their donkey to market
At lunch the first boy says, “My dad is the fastest because he is a brick layer & when he drops a brick from the 5th floor he can run to the ground level & be there before the brick hits!”
“Not bad,” says the 2nd boy, “But my dad is faster.”
“He is a professional archer.
When he shoots an arrow at the bulls-eye he can reach it before the arrow does!”
“That’s pretty fast,” says the 3rd boy, “But not as fast as my old man.”
“My dad works for the Government as a public servant, & when he finishes work at 5pm, he can get home by 2:30pm!”
A policeman was testing three Dumb brothers
A man & son going with their donkey to market
11.
Two Blondes, living in Kansas, were sitting on a bench one evening, one asked the other.
“What do you think is farther, Florida or the moon?”
The other blonde give her a puzzled look and replies,
“Helloooooooooooooooooooo Can you see Florida??????!!!!!!”
A teacher was giving an assignment
Three ex-pats are drinking in a NY city bar
Two Blondes, living in Kansas, were sitting on a bench one evening, one asked the other.
“What do you think is farther, Florida or the moon?”
The other blonde give her a puzzled look and replies,
“Helloooooooooooooooooooo Can you see Florida??????!!!!!!”
A teacher was giving an assignment
Three ex-pats are drinking in a NY city bar
12.
A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered, with his thumb over the meat.
“Are you crazy?” yells the customer.
“What’s with your hand on my steak?”
“Sorry,” answers the waiter, “I don’t want it to fall on the floor again.”
A woman was getting calls from strangers
He rubs it and a Genie emerges
A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered, with his thumb over the meat.
“Are you crazy?” yells the customer.
“What’s with your hand on my steak?”
“Sorry,” answers the waiter, “I don’t want it to fall on the floor again.”
A woman was getting calls from strangers
He rubs it and a Genie emerges
13.
A man, reading a book by candle-light, came across a sentence which stated that men with long beards were fools.
This distressed the man because he had a long beard himself.
He had always thought the beard made him look scholarly and dignified, but now he began to wonder if perhaps he had not been laboring under a delusion.
He decided to do away with the beard there and then and gathering it up in his hands, held the tip to the candle flame.
It caught fire and burnt faster than he had expected
In a moment the beard was all gone.
Then a spark leapt up into the hair on his head and before he knew what was happening, the hair on his head was reduced to ash
His cry of alarm brought his neighbors running.
They were shocked to see his scorched face and the smoke curling up from his head.
“What happened?” they asked, dowsing him with water.
“Whatever was to have happened, has happened,” said the man, sadly.
“I read that men with long beards were fools and I behaved like one.”
Fox & Rooster
The big hunter walked in the bar
A man, reading a book by candle-light, came across a sentence which stated that men with long beards were fools.
This distressed the man because he had a long beard himself.
He had always thought the beard made him look scholarly and dignified, but now he began to wonder if perhaps he had not been laboring under a delusion.
He decided to do away with the beard there and then and gathering it up in his hands, held the tip to the candle flame.
It caught fire and burnt faster than he had expected
In a moment the beard was all gone.
Then a spark leapt up into the hair on his head and before he knew what was happening, the hair on his head was reduced to ash
His cry of alarm brought his neighbors running.
They were shocked to see his scorched face and the smoke curling up from his head.
“What happened?” they asked, dowsing him with water.
“Whatever was to have happened, has happened,” said the man, sadly.
“I read that men with long beards were fools and I behaved like one.”
Fox & Rooster
The big hunter walked in the bar
14.
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside I just finished cleaning.”
My mother taught me RELIGION.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
My mother taught me LOGIC.
“Because I said so, that’s why.”
My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you’re in an accident.”
My mother taught me IRONY.
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about!”
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISTS.
“Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
My mother taught me about STAMINA.
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
My mother taught me about WEATHER.
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times, don’t exaggerate!”
My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..”
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
“Stop acting like your father!”
The disciple asked the master
The cabbie said no problem
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside I just finished cleaning.”
My mother taught me RELIGION.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
My mother taught me LOGIC.
“Because I said so, that’s why.”
My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you’re in an accident.”
My mother taught me IRONY.
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about!”
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISTS.
“Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
My mother taught me about STAMINA.
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
My mother taught me about WEATHER.
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times, don’t exaggerate!”
My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..”
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
“Stop acting like your father!”
The disciple asked the master
The cabbie said no problem
15.
A recently divorced man, heartbroken and down on his luck, comes across a magical genie lamp Thinking his luck has finally changed, he rubs the lamp and out pops a genie.
“I am an all and powerful genie you get three wishes, but I must tell you in advance, anything you wish for, your ex-wife gets double.”
So the man thinks for a few moments and asks for his first wish.
“I want a beautiful mansion.”
The genie grants his wish of a brand new, beautiful mansion, and his ex-wife got 2 beautiful mansions.
A few minutes later he asks for his second wish.
“I want 100 millions dollars.”
The genie grants his wish of 100 million dollars and his ex-wife got 200 million dollars.
On his final wish he takes some time to really think of what he wants finally… he asks for his third wish.
“I want you to scare me half to death.”
A old man is eating his lunch
A very wealthy lawyer
A recently divorced man, heartbroken and down on his luck, comes across a magical genie lamp Thinking his luck has finally changed, he rubs the lamp and out pops a genie.
“I am an all and powerful genie you get three wishes, but I must tell you in advance, anything you wish for, your ex-wife gets double.”
So the man thinks for a few moments and asks for his first wish.
“I want a beautiful mansion.”
The genie grants his wish of a brand new, beautiful mansion, and his ex-wife got 2 beautiful mansions.
A few minutes later he asks for his second wish.
“I want 100 millions dollars.”
The genie grants his wish of 100 million dollars and his ex-wife got 200 million dollars.
On his final wish he takes some time to really think of what he wants finally… he asks for his third wish.
“I want you to scare me half to death.”
A old man is eating his lunch
A very wealthy lawyer
16.
A tornado hit a farmhouse just before dawn.
It lifted the roof off, picked up the beds on which the farmer and his wife slept, and set them down gently in the next county.
The wife began to cry.
“Don’t be scared, Susan,” her husband said. “We are not hurt.”
Susan continued to cry. “I’m not scared,” she said between sobs.
“I’m happy because this is the first time in 15 years we’ve been out together.”
Two women were comparing notes
Three drunks get into a taxi
A tornado hit a farmhouse just before dawn.
It lifted the roof off, picked up the beds on which the farmer and his wife slept, and set them down gently in the next county.
The wife began to cry.
“Don’t be scared, Susan,” her husband said. “We are not hurt.”
Susan continued to cry. “I’m not scared,” she said between sobs.
“I’m happy because this is the first time in 15 years we’ve been out together.”
Two women were comparing notes
Three drunks get into a taxi
17.
A police officer pulls over an elderly couple He walks up to the driver’s side window and asks the husband for his license and registration.
The wife, hard of hearing, asks “what?! What did he say to you?”
The husband replies, “he wants my license!”
The officer asks him if he knew how fast he was going.
The wife yells “what?! What did he say to you?”
The husband yells back “he says I was speeding!”
As the officer looks at the license he notices they’re from Ohio
“you know, I used to live in Ohio. Worst place ever. I was seeing this woman there, and it was just miserable.”
She would never shut up, couldn’t cook worth s!!!!!!!t, constantly belittled me.
The old lady once again yells “what?! What did he say to you?”
The husband yells back “he said you two used to date!”
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper
A new young blonde bride calls her mother
A police officer pulls over an elderly couple He walks up to the driver’s side window and asks the husband for his license and registration.
The wife, hard of hearing, asks “what?! What did he say to you?”
The husband replies, “he wants my license!”
The officer asks him if he knew how fast he was going.
The wife yells “what?! What did he say to you?”
The husband yells back “he says I was speeding!”
As the officer looks at the license he notices they’re from Ohio
“you know, I used to live in Ohio. Worst place ever. I was seeing this woman there, and it was just miserable.”
She would never shut up, couldn’t cook worth s!!!!!!!t, constantly belittled me.
The old lady once again yells “what?! What did he say to you?”
The husband yells back “he said you two used to date!”
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper
A new young blonde bride calls her mother
18.
Little Johnny and Billy were engaging in the time-honored tradition of a verbal battle like little boys all over the world.
“My Father is better than your Father!” Billy declared.
“No, he’s not!” Johnny responded.
“My brother is better than you brother!” Billy said.
“He is not! He is not!” Yelled Little Johnny.
“My Mother is better than your Mother!” Billy continued.
A long pause ensued, then Little Johnny said, “Well, I guess ya got me there. I’ve heard my Father say the same thing more than once.”
They decided to go for a swim
Peter comes very drunk home
Little Johnny and Billy were engaging in the time-honored tradition of a verbal battle like little boys all over the world.
“My Father is better than your Father!” Billy declared.
“No, he’s not!” Johnny responded.
“My brother is better than you brother!” Billy said.
“He is not! He is not!” Yelled Little Johnny.
“My Mother is better than your Mother!” Billy continued.
A long pause ensued, then Little Johnny said, “Well, I guess ya got me there. I’ve heard my Father say the same thing more than once.”
They decided to go for a swim
Peter comes very drunk home
19.
The late king of a known Kingdom had ten wild dogs.
He used them to torture and eat any of his servants who made a mistake.
One of the servants gave an opinion which was wrong, and the king didn’t like it at all.
So he ordered that the servant be thrown to the dogs.
The servant said, “I served you for ten years, and you do this to me? Please give me ten days before throwing me to those dogs!”
The king agreed.
In those ten days, the servant went to the guard who looks after the dogs and told him he would like to serve the dogs for the next ten days.
The guard was baffled but agreed, and the servant started feeding the dogs, cleaning for them, bathing them, and providing all sorts of comfort for them.
When the ten days were over, the king ordered that the servant be thrown to the dogs for his punishment.
When he was thrown in, we were all amazed to see the ravenous dogs only licking the feet of the servant!
The king, baffled at what he was seeing, said, ”What has happened to my dogs?”
The servant replied, “I served the dogs for only ten days, and they didn’t forget my service yet I served you for a whole ten years and you forgot all, at my first mistake!”
The king released his mistake and ordered the servant to be set free.
This post is a message to all those who forget the good things a person did for them as soon as the person makes a mistake towards them.
Don’t put out the history that is filled with good because of a mistake you don’t like.
Hope I made sense?
A Lion angrily to a Gnat
One young academically excellent person
The late king of a known Kingdom had ten wild dogs.
He used them to torture and eat any of his servants who made a mistake.
One of the servants gave an opinion which was wrong, and the king didn’t like it at all.
So he ordered that the servant be thrown to the dogs.
The servant said, “I served you for ten years, and you do this to me? Please give me ten days before throwing me to those dogs!”
The king agreed.
In those ten days, the servant went to the guard who looks after the dogs and told him he would like to serve the dogs for the next ten days.
The guard was baffled but agreed, and the servant started feeding the dogs, cleaning for them, bathing them, and providing all sorts of comfort for them.
When the ten days were over, the king ordered that the servant be thrown to the dogs for his punishment.
When he was thrown in, we were all amazed to see the ravenous dogs only licking the feet of the servant!
The king, baffled at what he was seeing, said, ”What has happened to my dogs?”
The servant replied, “I served the dogs for only ten days, and they didn’t forget my service yet I served you for a whole ten years and you forgot all, at my first mistake!”
The king released his mistake and ordered the servant to be set free.
This post is a message to all those who forget the good things a person did for them as soon as the person makes a mistake towards them.
Don’t put out the history that is filled with good because of a mistake you don’t like.
Hope I made sense?
A Lion angrily to a Gnat
One young academically excellent person
20.
Ole and Sven are invited to a costume party with their girlfriends.
The party invitation says to come dressed as an emotion.
After a day of deliberating, they all agree to meet at Sven’s place before going to the party.
Just before Sven is about to put his costume on, there’s a knock on the door.
Outside is his girlfriend, Hilda, who’s dressed head to toe in bright green scales and a flowing emerald dress.
“Oh gosh, Hilda. You sure look good!” Says Sven. “What’s your costume supposed to be?”
Hilda gives her dress a twirl and declares, “Oh I am the emotion of envy!”
Before Sven can reply, Ole’s gal Lena rounds the corner in a long red dress, her hair dyed the color of flames.
Sven lets out a whistle and says, “Oh gosh, Lena! That’s quite da costume! What are you supposed to be?”
Lena curtsies with a giggle and says, “Why, I am the flame of burning love.”
Before either of them can compliment her, Ole rounds the corner, stark n*ked except for an old rubber tire held around his middle.
“Good lord!” Sven says, “Ole! What on earth are you supposed to be?”
Ole grins back at him and says, “Oh, me?” He says, “I am de spare!”
Four freshman partied too hard
The Grandmother of a just got married grandson
Ole and Sven are invited to a costume party with their girlfriends.
The party invitation says to come dressed as an emotion.
After a day of deliberating, they all agree to meet at Sven’s place before going to the party.
Just before Sven is about to put his costume on, there’s a knock on the door.
Outside is his girlfriend, Hilda, who’s dressed head to toe in bright green scales and a flowing emerald dress.
“Oh gosh, Hilda. You sure look good!” Says Sven. “What’s your costume supposed to be?”
Hilda gives her dress a twirl and declares, “Oh I am the emotion of envy!”
Before Sven can reply, Ole’s gal Lena rounds the corner in a long red dress, her hair dyed the color of flames.
Sven lets out a whistle and says, “Oh gosh, Lena! That’s quite da costume! What are you supposed to be?”
Lena curtsies with a giggle and says, “Why, I am the flame of burning love.”
Before either of them can compliment her, Ole rounds the corner, stark n*ked except for an old rubber tire held around his middle.
“Good lord!” Sven says, “Ole! What on earth are you supposed to be?”
Ole grins back at him and says, “Oh, me?” He says, “I am de spare!”
Four freshman partied too hard
The Grandmother of a just got married grandson
21.
The boss joined a group of his workers at the coffee urn and told a series of jokes he’d heard recently.
Everybody laughed loudly.
Everybody, that is, except Mike.
When he noticed that he was getting no reaction from Mike, the boss said, “What’s the matter, Mike? No sense of humor?”
“My sense of humor is fine,” he said.
“But I don’t have to laugh. I’m quitting tomorrow.”
Mrs Potts went to the doctor
A group of young children were sitting
The boss joined a group of his workers at the coffee urn and told a series of jokes he’d heard recently.
Everybody laughed loudly.
Everybody, that is, except Mike.
When he noticed that he was getting no reaction from Mike, the boss said, “What’s the matter, Mike? No sense of humor?”
“My sense of humor is fine,” he said.
“But I don’t have to laugh. I’m quitting tomorrow.”
Mrs Potts went to the doctor
A group of young children were sitting
22.
A guy goes on to a ship to sail (and work) but he notices no women on board.
so he runs to the captain Guy: capt. capt.! there’s no women on board what will be do for pleasure???
capt.:Ohh… don’t worry me laddie just stick your weapon in that barrel and everything will be alright.
So after a few weeks at sea the guy sticks his weapon in the barrel and gets a wonderful sensation.
So he does this every day after that until one day he sticks his weapon in the barrel and nothing happens.
So he runs to the captain and says Guy: capt capt! i stuck my weapon in the barrel and nothing happe!
Capt.:Ohhh i forgot to tell you laddie its your turn in the barrel!
Johnny went to school
This is a seed bank
A guy goes on to a ship to sail (and work) but he notices no women on board.
so he runs to the captain Guy: capt. capt.! there’s no women on board what will be do for pleasure???
capt.:Ohh… don’t worry me laddie just stick your weapon in that barrel and everything will be alright.
So after a few weeks at sea the guy sticks his weapon in the barrel and gets a wonderful sensation.
So he does this every day after that until one day he sticks his weapon in the barrel and nothing happens.
So he runs to the captain and says Guy: capt capt! i stuck my weapon in the barrel and nothing happe!
Capt.:Ohhh i forgot to tell you laddie its your turn in the barrel!
Johnny went to school
This is a seed bank
23.
Two guys were sitting outside a medical clinic.
One of them was crying, tears were pouring down his face.
The other guy asked, “Why are you crying?”
The first one replied, “I came here for blood test.”
The second one asked, “So? Why are you crying? Are you afraid?”
The first guy replied, “No. Not that. During the blood test they cut my finger.”
Hearing this, the second one started crying.
The first one was astonished and asked the other, “Why are you crying?”
Then the second guy replied, “I have come for a urine test.”
The manager of a large office
Joe grew up in a small town
Two guys were sitting outside a medical clinic.
One of them was crying, tears were pouring down his face.
The other guy asked, “Why are you crying?”
The first one replied, “I came here for blood test.”
The second one asked, “So? Why are you crying? Are you afraid?”
The first guy replied, “No. Not that. During the blood test they cut my finger.”
Hearing this, the second one started crying.
The first one was astonished and asked the other, “Why are you crying?”
Then the second guy replied, “I have come for a urine test.”
The manager of a large office
Joe grew up in a small town
24.
Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench.
Ethel said, “You know, Mabel, I’ve been reading this ‘make love and Marriage’ book and all they talk about is ‘mutual peak’.
‘Mutual peak’ here and mutual peak’ there – that’s all they talk about.
Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have a mutual peak?”.
Mabel thought for a long while.
Finally, she shook her head and said,
“No, I think we had State Farm.”
Mom asks little johnny how his day at school
A woman goes to the store
Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench.
Ethel said, “You know, Mabel, I’ve been reading this ‘make love and Marriage’ book and all they talk about is ‘mutual peak’.
‘Mutual peak’ here and mutual peak’ there – that’s all they talk about.
Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have a mutual peak?”.
Mabel thought for a long while.
Finally, she shook her head and said,
“No, I think we had State Farm.”
Mom asks little johnny how his day at school
A woman goes to the store
25.
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
‘Careful,’ he said, ‘careful!
Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once.
Too many! Turn them! Turn them now! We need more butter.
Oh my gosh! Where are we going to get more butter?
They’re going to stick! Careful.
Careful! I said be careful!
You never listen to me when you’re cooking! Never!
Turn them! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind?
Don’t forget to salt them you know you always forget to salt them Use the! Salt.
Use the salt! The salt!’ The wife stared at him.
‘What in the world is wrong with you think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?’
The husband calmly replied, ‘I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.’
Ole and Sven go out squirrel hunting
Examination At School
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
‘Careful,’ he said, ‘careful!
Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once.
Too many! Turn them! Turn them now! We need more butter.
Oh my gosh! Where are we going to get more butter?
They’re going to stick! Careful.
Careful! I said be careful!
You never listen to me when you’re cooking! Never!
Turn them! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind?
Don’t forget to salt them you know you always forget to salt them Use the! Salt.
Use the salt! The salt!’ The wife stared at him.
‘What in the world is wrong with you think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?’
The husband calmly replied, ‘I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.’
Ole and Sven go out squirrel hunting
Examination At School
26.
A woman wants to divorce her husband, so she is talking to her lawyer.
Lawyer: “Well first we need a reason, is he not giving you money?”
Woman: “if he hides as much as a dollar from me, I’m not cooking for him for three days straight.”
Lawyer: “Well is he beating you?”
Woman: “Him? I’d throw him through the window, with my left hand only”
Lawyer: “How about being faithful?”
Women: “That’s where we get him! The second child is not from him.”
This blonde city girl who was out driving
The bride immediately called her mother
A woman wants to divorce her husband, so she is talking to her lawyer.
Lawyer: “Well first we need a reason, is he not giving you money?”
Woman: “if he hides as much as a dollar from me, I’m not cooking for him for three days straight.”
Lawyer: “Well is he beating you?”
Woman: “Him? I’d throw him through the window, with my left hand only”
Lawyer: “How about being faithful?”
Women: “That’s where we get him! The second child is not from him.”
This blonde city girl who was out driving
The bride immediately called her mother
27.
The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude.?”
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”
A drunk stumbled out the door
Joan invited some people to dinner
The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude.?”
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”
A drunk stumbled out the door
Joan invited some people to dinner
28.
I went to a Dynamo show the other day…
I went to a Dynamo show the other day with my mom and dad.
We were sat in the audience and Dynamo asked for a participant, and me being clever I stuck my arm up thinking he wouldn’t choose me.
“You there!”
Crap, so I walked on down and he said pass me your watch, now bare in mind this watch costed me £200 and that I had only bought it other day.
So he then placed into a handkerchief and then he smashed it with a small hammer.
“Crap! That wasn’t supposed to happen”
So I thought oh brilliant, how that’s £200 down the drain, he exclaimed his sincere apologies and told me to come him once the show was over, and so I waited nearly 2 hours before I then went backstage to see him where he was holding some donuts.
So I thought to myself, “donuts?”.
“Pick the middle one, and take a bite”
So I chose the middle one, took a bite and you know what was in it?
Jam
I went to a Dynamo show the other day
A kid asks his father
I went to a Dynamo show the other day…
I went to a Dynamo show the other day with my mom and dad.
We were sat in the audience and Dynamo asked for a participant, and me being clever I stuck my arm up thinking he wouldn’t choose me.
“You there!”
Crap, so I walked on down and he said pass me your watch, now bare in mind this watch costed me £200 and that I had only bought it other day.
So he then placed into a handkerchief and then he smashed it with a small hammer.
“Crap! That wasn’t supposed to happen”
So I thought oh brilliant, how that’s £200 down the drain, he exclaimed his sincere apologies and told me to come him once the show was over, and so I waited nearly 2 hours before I then went backstage to see him where he was holding some donuts.
So I thought to myself, “donuts?”.
“Pick the middle one, and take a bite”
So I chose the middle one, took a bite and you know what was in it?
Jam
I went to a Dynamo show the other day
A kid asks his father
29.
A drunk phoned the local police department to report that thieves had been in his car.
“They have stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator,” he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time, and the same voice came over the line.
“Never mind,” the drunk said with a hiccup.
“I got in the back seat by mistake.”
Sam was the owner of a worldwide
Jeff was fast asleep in his at bed
A drunk phoned the local police department to report that thieves had been in his car.
“They have stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator,” he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time, and the same voice came over the line.
“Never mind,” the drunk said with a hiccup.
“I got in the back seat by mistake.”
Sam was the owner of a worldwide
Jeff was fast asleep in his at bed
30.
Little Johnny spends a rare weekend with his dad:
“Son, this is your weekend, have anything you want. Ask and ye shall receive.”
After a little thought, Johnny says.
“Dad, dad, dad, I want a donkey.”
The father wasn’t expecting this strange request, but he was a man of his word.
“Okay son, Ask and ye shall receive.”
The next day, they go to the local pets at home and buy a donkey.
When they get it home the Little Johnny chirps.
“Dad, can I call the donkey Wanker?”
“Don’t be so….” And then dad remembers the promise.
“Of course son. Wanker it is.”
Johnny then spends a fantastic day getting to know his new pet.
That evening, they tie the donkey up in the garden.
The next morning, Little Johnny wakes up early and looks out of the window, to his horror the donkey has broken free, jumped the fence and is nonchalantly munching grass half a mile away.
Johnny panics and runs into his dad’s bedroom.
“Dad, dad, dad. Wanker’s off over the field.”
“Look Johnny, I know I made a promise, but there are limits!”
A lady went into the pharmacy
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool
Little Johnny spends a rare weekend with his dad:
“Son, this is your weekend, have anything you want. Ask and ye shall receive.”
After a little thought, Johnny says.
“Dad, dad, dad, I want a donkey.”
The father wasn’t expecting this strange request, but he was a man of his word.
“Okay son, Ask and ye shall receive.”
The next day, they go to the local pets at home and buy a donkey.
When they get it home the Little Johnny chirps.
“Dad, can I call the donkey Wanker?”
“Don’t be so….” And then dad remembers the promise.
“Of course son. Wanker it is.”
Johnny then spends a fantastic day getting to know his new pet.
That evening, they tie the donkey up in the garden.
The next morning, Little Johnny wakes up early and looks out of the window, to his horror the donkey has broken free, jumped the fence and is nonchalantly munching grass half a mile away.
Johnny panics and runs into his dad’s bedroom.
“Dad, dad, dad. Wanker’s off over the field.”
“Look Johnny, I know I made a promise, but there are limits!”
A lady went into the pharmacy
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool
Tags:
eng jokes