1.
A teacher asks her class, ”If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?” She calls on little Johnny.
”None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.”
The teacher replies, ”The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”
Then Little Johnny says, ”I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and taste it the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?”
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ”Well I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and taste it the cone.”
”The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on but I like your thinking.”
She goes to doctor
A squirrel and 2 bees are going on a road trip
A teacher asks her class, ”If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?” She calls on little Johnny.
”None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.”
The teacher replies, ”The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”
Then Little Johnny says, ”I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and taste it the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?”
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ”Well I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and taste it the cone.”
”The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on but I like your thinking.”
She goes to doctor
A squirrel and 2 bees are going on a road trip
2.
Wife: Where are you?
Husband: At home love.
Wife: Are you sure?
Husband: Yes.
Wife: Turn on the mixer.
Husband: turns mixer on Rrrreeereeeereeee…
Wife: Ok my love goodbye.
Another day Suspicious Wife: Where are you?
Husband: At home love.
Wife: Are you sure?
Husband: Yes.
Wife: Turn on the mixer.
Husband: turns mixer on Rrreeereeeereeee…
Wife: OK my love goodbye.
The next day, the wife decides to go home without notice, and finds her son alone and she asks him:
“Son, where is your father?”
Son: “I don’t know, he went out with the mixer.”
Johnny and his family were having dinner
A elderly couple was celebrating their anniversary
Wife: Where are you?
Husband: At home love.
Wife: Are you sure?
Husband: Yes.
Wife: Turn on the mixer.
Husband: turns mixer on Rrrreeereeeereeee…
Wife: Ok my love goodbye.
Another day Suspicious Wife: Where are you?
Husband: At home love.
Wife: Are you sure?
Husband: Yes.
Wife: Turn on the mixer.
Husband: turns mixer on Rrreeereeeereeee…
Wife: OK my love goodbye.
The next day, the wife decides to go home without notice, and finds her son alone and she asks him:
“Son, where is your father?”
Son: “I don’t know, he went out with the mixer.”
Johnny and his family were having dinner
A elderly couple was celebrating their anniversary
3.
The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town.
After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.
The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said,
“This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?”
The old man grinned and said, “You got to keep the old motor running.”
The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child.
The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman.
She said, “Sir, you are something! How do you manage it?”
The old man grinned and said, “You gotta keep the old motor running.”
A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child.
The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said,
“Well, you surely are something awesome! How do you do it?”
The old man replied, “It’s like I’ve told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.”
The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said:
“Well, I guess it’s time to change the oil. This one is black!”
A Mafia Godfather finds out
There’s this dad who is trying to get his daughter
The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town.
After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.
The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said,
“This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?”
The old man grinned and said, “You got to keep the old motor running.”
The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child.
The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman.
She said, “Sir, you are something! How do you manage it?”
The old man grinned and said, “You gotta keep the old motor running.”
A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child.
The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said,
“Well, you surely are something awesome! How do you do it?”
The old man replied, “It’s like I’ve told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.”
The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said:
“Well, I guess it’s time to change the oil. This one is black!”
A Mafia Godfather finds out
There’s this dad who is trying to get his daughter
4.
An old man and a 20 year old are paired together at a golf tournament.
They’re playing a long par 5 that dog legs around some tall trees.
As the 20 year old sets up his tee shot to hit onto the fairway the old man notes
“when I was your age we used to hit over the trees not around to the side.”
So the 20 year old readjusts and tries to hit over the trees but can’t clear them and loses his ball.
He tries again and loses that one too.
Then the old man says “of course, when I was your age, the trees were only 6 foot tall.”
A truck driver was going down
A boss says to his secretary
An old man and a 20 year old are paired together at a golf tournament.
They’re playing a long par 5 that dog legs around some tall trees.
As the 20 year old sets up his tee shot to hit onto the fairway the old man notes
“when I was your age we used to hit over the trees not around to the side.”
So the 20 year old readjusts and tries to hit over the trees but can’t clear them and loses his ball.
He tries again and loses that one too.
Then the old man says “of course, when I was your age, the trees were only 6 foot tall.”
A truck driver was going down
A boss says to his secretary
5.
Two blondes had driven across the country to see Disney World in Florida.
As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sign saying “Disney World Left!”
After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde said “Oh well!” and started driving back home.
A man walked into the office of an psychiatrist
A famous doctor was being interviewed
Two blondes had driven across the country to see Disney World in Florida.
As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sign saying “Disney World Left!”
After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde said “Oh well!” and started driving back home.
A man walked into the office of an psychiatrist
A famous doctor was being interviewed
6.
A woman said to her friend, “I don’t know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can’t imagine. He doesn’t put anything in its place, I am always going around the house organizing things.”
The friend says, “Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, ‘Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you are done and put back in its place.’”
The first woman asked, “Did it help?”
Her friend said, “I don’t know. I haven’t seen him since.”
A drunken man gets on the bus
Two young men were out in the woods
A woman said to her friend, “I don’t know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can’t imagine. He doesn’t put anything in its place, I am always going around the house organizing things.”
The friend says, “Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, ‘Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you are done and put back in its place.’”
The first woman asked, “Did it help?”
Her friend said, “I don’t know. I haven’t seen him since.”
A drunken man gets on the bus
Two young men were out in the woods
7.
A lawyer trying to get tickets to a Broadway show, finally settled for a couple of seats a year in advance.
When the exciting night arrived and he sat down in his seat, a woman in front of the lawyer noticed the empty seat next to him and asked why such a valuable commodity was unused.
The lawyer replied that his wife couldn’t make it.
The woman asked him if he didn’t have relatives or friends who could have used the seat.
He replied, “Oh, they’re all at the funeral.”
A wood-chopping contest
A Policeman Catches A Man
A lawyer trying to get tickets to a Broadway show, finally settled for a couple of seats a year in advance.
When the exciting night arrived and he sat down in his seat, a woman in front of the lawyer noticed the empty seat next to him and asked why such a valuable commodity was unused.
The lawyer replied that his wife couldn’t make it.
The woman asked him if he didn’t have relatives or friends who could have used the seat.
He replied, “Oh, they’re all at the funeral.”
A wood-chopping contest
A Policeman Catches A Man
8.
A 91-year-old lady comes to the dentist’s office in North Dakota.
She claimed it was an emergency, so the young doctor working in the clinic prepared himself for the worst.
The old lady walks into the dentist’s office with her cane in one hand, struggling to get to where the doctor is.
“Good day, ma’am,” says the dentist.
“Hello,” responds the grandma.
She sits in the chair, quickly lowers her underpants, and lifts her legs wide open.
The young man can’t believe his eyes, and his face becomes as red as a tomato from the embarrassment.
“Oh, eh… Excuse me, ma’am, but I’m not a gynecologist,” he says with a shaky voice.
“I know,” replies the 91-year-old granny.
“But wasn’t it you who put the new teeth on my husband, Robert?”
“Yes, it was,” says the dentist, confused.
The old lady leans over towards the doctor and grabs his arm: “I want you to take them out!”
There was a blind girl
After many years of bachelorhood
A 91-year-old lady comes to the dentist’s office in North Dakota.
She claimed it was an emergency, so the young doctor working in the clinic prepared himself for the worst.
The old lady walks into the dentist’s office with her cane in one hand, struggling to get to where the doctor is.
“Good day, ma’am,” says the dentist.
“Hello,” responds the grandma.
She sits in the chair, quickly lowers her underpants, and lifts her legs wide open.
The young man can’t believe his eyes, and his face becomes as red as a tomato from the embarrassment.
“Oh, eh… Excuse me, ma’am, but I’m not a gynecologist,” he says with a shaky voice.
“I know,” replies the 91-year-old granny.
“But wasn’t it you who put the new teeth on my husband, Robert?”
“Yes, it was,” says the dentist, confused.
The old lady leans over towards the doctor and grabs his arm: “I want you to take them out!”
There was a blind girl
After many years of bachelorhood
9.
Husband says to his wife.
Husband: If I died would you date another man.?
Wife: Of course I would.
Husband: Would you let him move in to our house.?
Wife: Of course I would.
Husband: Would you let him sleep in our bed.?
Wife: Of course I would.
Husband: Would you let him use my Golf Clubs.?
Wife: Definitely not!
Husband: Is that because they are personal to me.?
Wife: No it’s because he is left handed.
A husband was sitting on the sofa
A depressed man walks into a bar
Husband says to his wife.
Husband: If I died would you date another man.?
Wife: Of course I would.
Husband: Would you let him move in to our house.?
Wife: Of course I would.
Husband: Would you let him sleep in our bed.?
Wife: Of course I would.
Husband: Would you let him use my Golf Clubs.?
Wife: Definitely not!
Husband: Is that because they are personal to me.?
Wife: No it’s because he is left handed.
A husband was sitting on the sofa
A depressed man walks into a bar
10.
The woman had two female parrots who knew how to say only one thing: “Hey, we are sluts. Let’s have some fun!”
They kept yelling it all the time until the woman got mad and brought them to a priest.
Father, please, advise what to do with my female parrots.
They talk dirty things all the time.
I know what to do. I have got two male parrots that are taught to praise Jesus Christ and read the prayer.
We will put your female parrots into their cage and my male parrots will teach them good manners.
In two minutes they let the female parrots into the cage with the male parrots that were reading the prayer.
Immediately the female parrots yelled out the only thing they knew: “Hey, we are sluts. Let’s have some fun!”
One of the male parrots looked at his friend and said:
St. Patrick, put your prayer aside.
Jesus answered our prayers!
A man gathered all of his children
Two guys were picked up by cops
The woman had two female parrots who knew how to say only one thing: “Hey, we are sluts. Let’s have some fun!”
They kept yelling it all the time until the woman got mad and brought them to a priest.
Father, please, advise what to do with my female parrots.
They talk dirty things all the time.
I know what to do. I have got two male parrots that are taught to praise Jesus Christ and read the prayer.
We will put your female parrots into their cage and my male parrots will teach them good manners.
In two minutes they let the female parrots into the cage with the male parrots that were reading the prayer.
Immediately the female parrots yelled out the only thing they knew: “Hey, we are sluts. Let’s have some fun!”
One of the male parrots looked at his friend and said:
St. Patrick, put your prayer aside.
Jesus answered our prayers!
A man gathered all of his children
Two guys were picked up by cops
11.
A drunk man walks out of a bar and sees an ambulance speeding down the street with it’s sirens blaring.
The drunk man dashes after the ambulance at full speed, finally collapsing on the floor, two blocks later.
The man then looks at the ambulance speeding away, and screams on the top of his lungs,
“I don’t care, keep your stupid ice cream.”
Bill’s second Anniversary was coming
A cop pulled over a car
A drunk man walks out of a bar and sees an ambulance speeding down the street with it’s sirens blaring.
The drunk man dashes after the ambulance at full speed, finally collapsing on the floor, two blocks later.
The man then looks at the ambulance speeding away, and screams on the top of his lungs,
“I don’t care, keep your stupid ice cream.”
Bill’s second Anniversary was coming
A cop pulled over a car
12.
A US Sailor is in a Mexican harbor town
He’s a bit concerned about what time it is so he isn’t late to get back on board.
He sees a Mexican with a Donkey taking a siesta against the wall.
He asks the guy if he knows what the time is.
The Mexican then takes the donkey by the balls, lifts them a little and says ‘Si – is two-thirty signor’
The sailor is amazed – ‘Aw man that’s amazing! You have to show me how to do that!’
Mexican replies ‘Is simple signor – you lift the donkey by the balls and then you see that church clock over there…..’
There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish
Two drunks were lost in the middle of the ocean
A US Sailor is in a Mexican harbor town
He’s a bit concerned about what time it is so he isn’t late to get back on board.
He sees a Mexican with a Donkey taking a siesta against the wall.
He asks the guy if he knows what the time is.
The Mexican then takes the donkey by the balls, lifts them a little and says ‘Si – is two-thirty signor’
The sailor is amazed – ‘Aw man that’s amazing! You have to show me how to do that!’
Mexican replies ‘Is simple signor – you lift the donkey by the balls and then you see that church clock over there…..’
There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish
Two drunks were lost in the middle of the ocean
13.
A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job.
The officer asks her some questions:
Officer: What’s 2 + 2?
Blonde: Ummm… 4!
Officer: What’s the square root of 100?
Blonde: Ummm… 10!
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Ummm… I dunno.
Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.
The blonde replies excitedly, “Not only did I get the job, I’m already working on a murder case!”
The doctor comes in and informs
Tom was getting a check up
A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job.
The officer asks her some questions:
Officer: What’s 2 + 2?
Blonde: Ummm… 4!
Officer: What’s the square root of 100?
Blonde: Ummm… 10!
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Ummm… I dunno.
Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.
The blonde replies excitedly, “Not only did I get the job, I’m already working on a murder case!”
The doctor comes in and informs
Tom was getting a check up
14.
A Help desk guy speaking to an old lady user.
Help desk: Double click on “My Computer”.
An Old Lady: I can’t see your computer…
Help desk: No… click on “My Computer” on your computer.
An Old Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer???!!
Help desk: there is an icon labelled “My Computer” on your computer double click on it.
An Old Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer??!!!
Two men are sitting at a bar
Bill and Doug were having a beer
A Help desk guy speaking to an old lady user.
Help desk: Double click on “My Computer”.
An Old Lady: I can’t see your computer…
Help desk: No… click on “My Computer” on your computer.
An Old Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer???!!
Help desk: there is an icon labelled “My Computer” on your computer double click on it.
An Old Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer??!!!
Two men are sitting at a bar
Bill and Doug were having a beer
15.
A old man went to a doctor with multiple complaints.
“I see spots before my eyes,” he said.
“It’s due to old age,” said the doctor.
“No food agrees with me,” said the man.
“That too is due to old age,” said the doctor.
“The digestive system becomes weaker as we grow older.”
“My back is giving me trouble,” persisted the man.
“Sometimes the pain becomes unbearable.”
“Old age,” said the doctor.
This was too much for the man.
“Why do you go on saying ‘old age, old age,” he screamed.
“If you cannot cure me, say so. I’ll go elsewhere.”
“See how easily you lost your temper,” said the doctor.
“That is another characteristic of old age.”
At last, the old man slaps him, and the doctor asks, “Why did you slap me?”
The old man said “This is also due to old age, you see”
A old man goes to a restaurant and orders
A professor sits with a farmer in a train
A old man went to a doctor with multiple complaints.
“I see spots before my eyes,” he said.
“It’s due to old age,” said the doctor.
“No food agrees with me,” said the man.
“That too is due to old age,” said the doctor.
“The digestive system becomes weaker as we grow older.”
“My back is giving me trouble,” persisted the man.
“Sometimes the pain becomes unbearable.”
“Old age,” said the doctor.
This was too much for the man.
“Why do you go on saying ‘old age, old age,” he screamed.
“If you cannot cure me, say so. I’ll go elsewhere.”
“See how easily you lost your temper,” said the doctor.
“That is another characteristic of old age.”
At last, the old man slaps him, and the doctor asks, “Why did you slap me?”
The old man said “This is also due to old age, you see”
A old man goes to a restaurant and orders
A professor sits with a farmer in a train
16.
On the first day of first grade, Mrs. Smith asked her students to name their favorite letter.
One young girl in front raised her hand and said: “My favorite letter is ‘F,’ because the word ‘flowers’ begins with ‘F’.”
“Very good, Marissa!” Mrs. Smith chirped. “Who else?”
A young boy raised his hand and said: “I like the letter “X” because not a lot of words have an ‘X’ in them.”
“That’s also a good one, Kyle.”
Mrs. Smith scanned the room.
“Anyone else want to share?”
A small boy in the back raised his hand about wildly and said:
“My favorite letter is definitely ‘G!’”
Mrs. Smith looked at the boy and asked: “Why is that, Angus?”
Frank came into work late
A cab passenger taps the driver
On the first day of first grade, Mrs. Smith asked her students to name their favorite letter.
One young girl in front raised her hand and said: “My favorite letter is ‘F,’ because the word ‘flowers’ begins with ‘F’.”
“Very good, Marissa!” Mrs. Smith chirped. “Who else?”
A young boy raised his hand and said: “I like the letter “X” because not a lot of words have an ‘X’ in them.”
“That’s also a good one, Kyle.”
Mrs. Smith scanned the room.
“Anyone else want to share?”
A small boy in the back raised his hand about wildly and said:
“My favorite letter is definitely ‘G!’”
Mrs. Smith looked at the boy and asked: “Why is that, Angus?”
Frank came into work late
A cab passenger taps the driver
17.
A cab driver picked up a nun.
She got into the cab, and noticed that the VERY handsome cab driver wouldn’t stop staring at her.
She asked him why he was staring.
He replied: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”
She answered, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
“Well, let’s see what we can do about that: No. 1, you have to be single, and No. 2, you must be Catholic,” she responded.
The cab driver, very excited, said, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”
“OK,” the nun said. “Pull into the next alley.”
The nun fulfilled his fantasy with a kiss that would make a call girl blush.
But when they got back on the road, the cab driver started crying.
“My dear child,” said the nun, “Why are you crying?”
“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess; I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
The nun said, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a costume party.”
A young blonde with a coach ticket
A male patient was lying in bed
A cab driver picked up a nun.
She got into the cab, and noticed that the VERY handsome cab driver wouldn’t stop staring at her.
She asked him why he was staring.
He replied: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”
She answered, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
“Well, let’s see what we can do about that: No. 1, you have to be single, and No. 2, you must be Catholic,” she responded.
The cab driver, very excited, said, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”
“OK,” the nun said. “Pull into the next alley.”
The nun fulfilled his fantasy with a kiss that would make a call girl blush.
But when they got back on the road, the cab driver started crying.
“My dear child,” said the nun, “Why are you crying?”
“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess; I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
The nun said, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a costume party.”
A young blonde with a coach ticket
A male patient was lying in bed
18.
A man and a woman were dating.
She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad.
In fact, he had never even seen her undressed.
One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits.
“I can’t stand it anymore,” she told him.
“Let’s play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I’ll remove one piece of clothing.
He enthusiastically agreed and speed up the car.
He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her T-shirt.
At 60 off came the pants.
At 65 it was her br** and at 70 her undergarment.
Now seeing her undressed for the first time and travelling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car.
He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree.
His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped.
She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.
“Go to the road and get help,” he said.
“I don’t have anything to cover myself with!” she replied.
The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.
“You’ll have to put this between your legs to cover it up,” he told her.
So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.
Along came a truck driver.
Seeing a undressed, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.
“My boyfriend! My boyfriend!” she sobs, “He’s stuck and I can’t pull him out!”
The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, “Ma’am, if he’s in that far, I’m afraid he’s a goner!”
A young man asked an old rich man
There is a very special mirror
A man and a woman were dating.
She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad.
In fact, he had never even seen her undressed.
One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits.
“I can’t stand it anymore,” she told him.
“Let’s play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I’ll remove one piece of clothing.
He enthusiastically agreed and speed up the car.
He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her T-shirt.
At 60 off came the pants.
At 65 it was her br** and at 70 her undergarment.
Now seeing her undressed for the first time and travelling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car.
He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree.
His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped.
She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.
“Go to the road and get help,” he said.
“I don’t have anything to cover myself with!” she replied.
The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.
“You’ll have to put this between your legs to cover it up,” he told her.
So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.
Along came a truck driver.
Seeing a undressed, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.
“My boyfriend! My boyfriend!” she sobs, “He’s stuck and I can’t pull him out!”
The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, “Ma’am, if he’s in that far, I’m afraid he’s a goner!”
A young man asked an old rich man
There is a very special mirror
19.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”
The old farmer Peter replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”
The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial lawyers in Canada and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in Alberta we settle small disagreements like this with the ‘Three Kick Rule.'”
The lawyer asked, “What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?”
The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.”
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.
He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney his first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, you old fart now it’s my turn.
The old farmer smiled and said, “Nah, I give up you can have the duck.”
He dialed the employee’s home
A woman was at her hairdresser’s
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”
The old farmer Peter replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”
The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial lawyers in Canada and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in Alberta we settle small disagreements like this with the ‘Three Kick Rule.'”
The lawyer asked, “What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?”
The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.”
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.
He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney his first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, you old fart now it’s my turn.
The old farmer smiled and said, “Nah, I give up you can have the duck.”
He dialed the employee’s home
A woman was at her hairdresser’s
20.
Four elderly ranchers were enjoying breakfast in a small cafe in northern Arizona.
They were talking about everything from cattle, horses, and weather, to how things used to be in the “good old’ days.”
Eventually, the conversation moved on to their spouses.
One gentleman turned to the fellow sitting next to him and said, “Roy, aren’t you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?”
“Yup, we sure are,” Roy said.
“Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?” another man asked.
The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, “For our 25th anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson maybe for our 50th anniversary, I’ll go down there and get her.”
A blind man walks into a restaurant
A very complicated operation
Four elderly ranchers were enjoying breakfast in a small cafe in northern Arizona.
They were talking about everything from cattle, horses, and weather, to how things used to be in the “good old’ days.”
Eventually, the conversation moved on to their spouses.
One gentleman turned to the fellow sitting next to him and said, “Roy, aren’t you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?”
“Yup, we sure are,” Roy said.
“Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?” another man asked.
The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, “For our 25th anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson maybe for our 50th anniversary, I’ll go down there and get her.”
A blind man walks into a restaurant
A very complicated operation
21.
Three old ladies were sitting at the dinner table discussing their problems with getting old.
The first one said,
“Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich”.
The second lady says,
“Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down”.
The third one says,
“Well, ladies, I’m glad I don’t have any of those problems, knock on wood”.
As she hit her knuckles on the table she looked up and said,
“That must be the door… I’ll get it!”
A little girl was talking to teacher
He was sitting in his boat and fishing
Three old ladies were sitting at the dinner table discussing their problems with getting old.
The first one said,
“Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich”.
The second lady says,
“Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down”.
The third one says,
“Well, ladies, I’m glad I don’t have any of those problems, knock on wood”.
As she hit her knuckles on the table she looked up and said,
“That must be the door… I’ll get it!”
A little girl was talking to teacher
He was sitting in his boat and fishing
22.
A woman goes to her doctor,
complaining that her husband is 300% impotent.
The doctor says,
“I’m not sure I understand what you mean.”
She says, “Well, the first 100% you can imagine.
In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger
A recently married couple are in bed
A statue of a Macho athlete
A woman goes to her doctor,
complaining that her husband is 300% impotent.
The doctor says,
“I’m not sure I understand what you mean.”
She says, “Well, the first 100% you can imagine.
In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger
A recently married couple are in bed
A statue of a Macho athlete
23.
Little Johnny went to the store with his grandmother.
On the way home, he looked through her bags to see what she had purchased.
In one package, Little Johnny found some corset and he began to sound out the words “Queen Size.”
He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed,
“Look Grandma, you wear the same size as our bed!”
A little boy first day in school
A man was talking to a group
Little Johnny went to the store with his grandmother.
On the way home, he looked through her bags to see what she had purchased.
In one package, Little Johnny found some corset and he began to sound out the words “Queen Size.”
He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed,
“Look Grandma, you wear the same size as our bed!”
A little boy first day in school
A man was talking to a group
24.
The doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level.
He described a typical day this way: ‘Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.’
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, ‘You must be one hell of an outdoors man!
‘NAH,’ he replied, ‘I’m just a shitty golfer.’ about his daily activity level.
He described a typical day this way: ‘Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.’
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, ‘You must be one hell of an outdoors man!
‘NAH,’ he replied, ‘I’m just a shitty golfer.’
A elderly couple had been experiencing
A man and his son were walking together
The doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level.
He described a typical day this way: ‘Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.’
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, ‘You must be one hell of an outdoors man!
‘NAH,’ he replied, ‘I’m just a shitty golfer.’ about his daily activity level.
He described a typical day this way: ‘Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.’
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, ‘You must be one hell of an outdoors man!
‘NAH,’ he replied, ‘I’m just a shitty golfer.’
A elderly couple had been experiencing
A man and his son were walking together
25.
An Amish girl and her mother were visiting a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The girl asked, “Mother, what is this?”
The mother, never having seen an elevator, responded, “I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don’t know what it is.”
While the girl and her mother watched with amazement, an old man in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the man rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the girl and her mother watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until the last number was reached, and they watched some more as the numbers began to light in reverse order.
The walls opened up again and a hunky young man stepped out.
The mother, not taking her eyes off the young man, said quietly to her daughter, “Go get your father.”
Adam woke up suddenly
A couple walked into cheap restaurant
An Amish girl and her mother were visiting a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The girl asked, “Mother, what is this?”
The mother, never having seen an elevator, responded, “I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don’t know what it is.”
While the girl and her mother watched with amazement, an old man in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the man rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the girl and her mother watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until the last number was reached, and they watched some more as the numbers began to light in reverse order.
The walls opened up again and a hunky young man stepped out.
The mother, not taking her eyes off the young man, said quietly to her daughter, “Go get your father.”
Adam woke up suddenly
A couple walked into cheap restaurant
26.
A young mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we’re going down the tracks.”
The mother went in and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house.
Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.”
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train.
Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, “All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.”
She hears the little boy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.
Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”
As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.”
A wife come home from a shopping
A couple was invited to a swanky masked
A young mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we’re going down the tracks.”
The mother went in and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house.
Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.”
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train.
Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, “All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.”
She hears the little boy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.
Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”
As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.”
A wife come home from a shopping
A couple was invited to a swanky masked
27.
An old man came to his doctor’s office and asked for a consultation about a very sensitive problem.
“I fart all the time, Doctor Miller.
On my way here until just before we’re about to talk, I’ve farted more than ten times.
They’re odorless and soundless, but they still bother me. What do I do?”
Doctor Miller gave him a prescription pill and advised him to take it twice a day for one week.
“Come back to me after and we’ll check your progress,” said the doctor.
The following week, the old man came barging to the doctor all angry and confused.
“Doctor, those pills you gave me didn’t work.
If anything, it’s gotten worse. I’m farting just as much, but now they smell awful! What do I do now?”
The doctor coolly replied, “Keep calm, Sir. Now that your olfactory senses are working. Let’s work on your hearing.”
The teacher asked the students
A sixteen year-old boy came home
An old man came to his doctor’s office and asked for a consultation about a very sensitive problem.
“I fart all the time, Doctor Miller.
On my way here until just before we’re about to talk, I’ve farted more than ten times.
They’re odorless and soundless, but they still bother me. What do I do?”
Doctor Miller gave him a prescription pill and advised him to take it twice a day for one week.
“Come back to me after and we’ll check your progress,” said the doctor.
The following week, the old man came barging to the doctor all angry and confused.
“Doctor, those pills you gave me didn’t work.
If anything, it’s gotten worse. I’m farting just as much, but now they smell awful! What do I do now?”
The doctor coolly replied, “Keep calm, Sir. Now that your olfactory senses are working. Let’s work on your hearing.”
The teacher asked the students
A sixteen year-old boy came home
28.
The English teacher called Peter for a graded recitation.
“Peter, recite a sentence that begins with I.”
Peter thought for a moment and slowly said, “I is the…”
The teacher interrupted him and said,
“No, Peter. You say ‘I am’ instead of ‘I is’. Now, try again.”
“Okay,” Peter said. “I am the ninth letter of the English alphabet.”
Three fathers we sitting in a bar
Ana sets up her friend Jenny
The English teacher called Peter for a graded recitation.
“Peter, recite a sentence that begins with I.”
Peter thought for a moment and slowly said, “I is the…”
The teacher interrupted him and said,
“No, Peter. You say ‘I am’ instead of ‘I is’. Now, try again.”
“Okay,” Peter said. “I am the ninth letter of the English alphabet.”
Three fathers we sitting in a bar
Ana sets up her friend Jenny
29.
A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him.
He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine.
On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.
They start necking and he’s getting pretty excited.
He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she’s a pure and wants to stay that way.
“Well, okay,” he says, “how about a bl**job?”
“Yuck!” she screams.
“I’m not putting that thing in my mouth!”
He says, “Well, then, how about a ha**job?”
“I’ve never done that,” she says.
“What do I have to do?”
“Well,” he answers, “remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?”
She nods.
“Well, it’s just like that.”
So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it.
A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.
“What’s wrong?!” she cries out.
“Take your thumb off the end!!”
The ticket girl said
A guy comes home completely drunk
A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him.
He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine.
On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.
They start necking and he’s getting pretty excited.
He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she’s a pure and wants to stay that way.
“Well, okay,” he says, “how about a bl**job?”
“Yuck!” she screams.
“I’m not putting that thing in my mouth!”
He says, “Well, then, how about a ha**job?”
“I’ve never done that,” she says.
“What do I have to do?”
“Well,” he answers, “remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?”
She nods.
“Well, it’s just like that.”
So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it.
A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.
“What’s wrong?!” she cries out.
“Take your thumb off the end!!”
The ticket girl said
A guy comes home completely drunk
30.
As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base.
The Drill Sergeant said, “All right! All you idiots fall out.”
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.
The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye to eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow.
The soldier smiled and said, “Sure was a lot of ’em, huh, sir?”
Guy calls in to his Boss
A boy is selling fish
As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base.
The Drill Sergeant said, “All right! All you idiots fall out.”
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.
The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye to eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow.
The soldier smiled and said, “Sure was a lot of ’em, huh, sir?”
Guy calls in to his Boss
A boy is selling fish
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eng jokes