1.
An elderly Pope goes to New York and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine.
When he sees the car, he motions to the driver and says:
“Do you mind if I ask you a favour?”
“A favour for the Pope??” exclaims the driver, “of course – anything!”
“You know, I hardly ever get to drive, and I’d really like it if I got to drive now. Would you please let me?”
The thought of the Pope getting behind the wheel scared the driver – what if he got into an accident?
On the other hand, the driver felt that he couldn’t say no to the Pope himself, so he reluctantly obliged and let His Holiness get behind the wheel.
To his utter dismay, the Pope turns the key, lights up the limousine’s rear tires and speeds up like a maniac!
After driving in excess of 100 mph in a 45 mph zone, a police car drives up alongside them and orders them to stop immediately.
The Pope slams on the brakes and comes to a dead stop, as does the pursuing police officer.
The police officer emerges from his vehicle, briefly peers through the limousine’s window, then hurriedly steps back in.
His sergeant got this call:
Cop: “Sir, I have a problem.”
Sergeant: “What kind of problem?”
Cop: “Well, I pulled over this driver for speeding, but he’s someone really important.”
Sergeant: “Important like… the mayor?”
Cop: “No, no – a lot more important than that.”
Sergeant: “Important like… the governor?”
Cop: “Way more important than that, Sarge.”
Sergeant: “Important like… the President?”
Cop: “Even more important than him.”
Sergeant: “Who’s more important than the President?”
Cop: “I don’t know sarge, but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!”
The rat was in the middle
I need a tooth pulled
An elderly Pope goes to New York and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine.
When he sees the car, he motions to the driver and says:
“Do you mind if I ask you a favour?”
“A favour for the Pope??” exclaims the driver, “of course – anything!”
“You know, I hardly ever get to drive, and I’d really like it if I got to drive now. Would you please let me?”
The thought of the Pope getting behind the wheel scared the driver – what if he got into an accident?
On the other hand, the driver felt that he couldn’t say no to the Pope himself, so he reluctantly obliged and let His Holiness get behind the wheel.
To his utter dismay, the Pope turns the key, lights up the limousine’s rear tires and speeds up like a maniac!
After driving in excess of 100 mph in a 45 mph zone, a police car drives up alongside them and orders them to stop immediately.
The Pope slams on the brakes and comes to a dead stop, as does the pursuing police officer.
The police officer emerges from his vehicle, briefly peers through the limousine’s window, then hurriedly steps back in.
His sergeant got this call:
Cop: “Sir, I have a problem.”
Sergeant: “What kind of problem?”
Cop: “Well, I pulled over this driver for speeding, but he’s someone really important.”
Sergeant: “Important like… the mayor?”
Cop: “No, no – a lot more important than that.”
Sergeant: “Important like… the governor?”
Cop: “Way more important than that, Sarge.”
Sergeant: “Important like… the President?”
Cop: “Even more important than him.”
Sergeant: “Who’s more important than the President?”
Cop: “I don’t know sarge, but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!”
The rat was in the middle
I need a tooth pulled
2.
A kindergarten teacher is having her birthday and three of her students decided to bring her a gift.
The first students was little Timmy and his dad owned a Candy Store.
Timmy walked up to his teacher and handed her a nice little gift wrapped box
The teacher thanked the student and told him, she wanted to see if she could guess what was in the box.
The little boy excitedly agreed and after about twenty seconds the teacher said, “Is it candy!?”
The little boy surprisingly and a little disappointed walked back to his desk.
The second student was Taylor and her dad owned a kitchen appliance store
She walked up to her teacher with a fancily wrapped box about the size of a Football.
The teacher took the box and asked if she could try to guess what was in the box.
Taylor excitedly agreed and handed the package over to her teacher.
The teacher stood there thinking for about forty five seconds then said, “Is it a Toaster!?”
The little girl was surprised and asked the teacher how she knew
The teacher smiled wide, thanked the student, and Taylor returned to her desk.
The third student was Sarah and her dad owned a winery
She walked up to the teacher with a box that was a little bigger than the teacher was expecting.
The teacher smiled and asked if she could guess what was in the box
Sarah happily agreed, and handed over the box to her teacher.
At this point, the entire classroom wanted to know if the teacher was going to get it right
The teacher started thinking, – the box felt a little lopsided, but she figured the gift just hadn’t been packaged well.
After about a minute the teacher noticed little yellow drops coming from the side of the box.
The teacher excitedly said, “Is it wine!?” and proceeded to taste some of the dripping liquid.
The student smiled, and said, “No It’s a puppy!”
A singles bar where he spotted
A gorgeous redhead woman
A kindergarten teacher is having her birthday and three of her students decided to bring her a gift.
The first students was little Timmy and his dad owned a Candy Store.
Timmy walked up to his teacher and handed her a nice little gift wrapped box
The teacher thanked the student and told him, she wanted to see if she could guess what was in the box.
The little boy excitedly agreed and after about twenty seconds the teacher said, “Is it candy!?”
The little boy surprisingly and a little disappointed walked back to his desk.
The second student was Taylor and her dad owned a kitchen appliance store
She walked up to her teacher with a fancily wrapped box about the size of a Football.
The teacher took the box and asked if she could try to guess what was in the box.
Taylor excitedly agreed and handed the package over to her teacher.
The teacher stood there thinking for about forty five seconds then said, “Is it a Toaster!?”
The little girl was surprised and asked the teacher how she knew
The teacher smiled wide, thanked the student, and Taylor returned to her desk.
The third student was Sarah and her dad owned a winery
She walked up to the teacher with a box that was a little bigger than the teacher was expecting.
The teacher smiled and asked if she could guess what was in the box
Sarah happily agreed, and handed over the box to her teacher.
At this point, the entire classroom wanted to know if the teacher was going to get it right
The teacher started thinking, – the box felt a little lopsided, but she figured the gift just hadn’t been packaged well.
After about a minute the teacher noticed little yellow drops coming from the side of the box.
The teacher excitedly said, “Is it wine!?” and proceeded to taste some of the dripping liquid.
The student smiled, and said, “No It’s a puppy!”
A singles bar where he spotted
A gorgeous redhead woman
3.
A woman walks into the City Center link office, trailed by 15 kids.
“WOW,” the social worker exclaims, “Are they ALL yours?”
“Yeah, they are all mine,” the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, “Sit down Terry.” All the children rush to find seats.
“Well,” says the social worker, “then you must be here to sign up, I’ll need all your children’s names.”
“’This one’s my oldest – he is Terry.”
“OK, and who’s next?”
“Well, this one, he is Terry, also.” The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues.
One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.
Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.
“All right,” says the caseworker.
“I’m seeing a pattern here are they ALL named Terri?”
Their Mother replied, “Well, yes – it makes it easier.”
When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, ‘Terry!’ An” when it’s time for dinner, I just yell ‘Terry!’ an’ they all come running.’
An’ if I need to stop the kid who’s running into the street, I just yell ‘Terry and all of them stop It’s the smartest idea I ever had, naming’ them all Terry.’
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, “But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch, I call them by their surnames!”
Whispering firmly to the dying man
A man was crossing a road
A woman walks into the City Center link office, trailed by 15 kids.
“WOW,” the social worker exclaims, “Are they ALL yours?”
“Yeah, they are all mine,” the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, “Sit down Terry.” All the children rush to find seats.
“Well,” says the social worker, “then you must be here to sign up, I’ll need all your children’s names.”
“’This one’s my oldest – he is Terry.”
“OK, and who’s next?”
“Well, this one, he is Terry, also.” The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues.
One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.
Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.
“All right,” says the caseworker.
“I’m seeing a pattern here are they ALL named Terri?”
Their Mother replied, “Well, yes – it makes it easier.”
When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, ‘Terry!’ An” when it’s time for dinner, I just yell ‘Terry!’ an’ they all come running.’
An’ if I need to stop the kid who’s running into the street, I just yell ‘Terry and all of them stop It’s the smartest idea I ever had, naming’ them all Terry.’
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, “But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch, I call them by their surnames!”
Whispering firmly to the dying man
A man was crossing a road
4.
Lying in the hospital bed, a dying man began to flail about and make motions as if he would like to speak.
The pastor, keeping watch at the side of his bed, leaned quietly over and asked,
“Do you have something you would like to say?”
The man nodded, and the pastor handed him a pad and pen.
”Use this to write a note and I will give it to your wife
She’s on her way.”
Gathering his last bit of strength, the scrawled his message and then died.
The pastor folded the note without reading it, then maintained a vigil until the wife arrived.
When she came, he handed her the note, “His last words,” the pastor said.
She fainted when she read, “GET OFF MY OXYGEN HOSE!”
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera
Three old men were sitting on a bench
Lying in the hospital bed, a dying man began to flail about and make motions as if he would like to speak.
The pastor, keeping watch at the side of his bed, leaned quietly over and asked,
“Do you have something you would like to say?”
The man nodded, and the pastor handed him a pad and pen.
”Use this to write a note and I will give it to your wife
She’s on her way.”
Gathering his last bit of strength, the scrawled his message and then died.
The pastor folded the note without reading it, then maintained a vigil until the wife arrived.
When she came, he handed her the note, “His last words,” the pastor said.
She fainted when she read, “GET OFF MY OXYGEN HOSE!”
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera
Three old men were sitting on a bench
5.
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:
“Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.
Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride.
She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.”
Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style.
She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you.
Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore.
Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, “Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?” “And so, here we are!”
A couple went on vacation to a fishing
A couple was having dinner
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:
“Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.
Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride.
She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.”
Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style.
She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you.
Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore.
Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, “Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?” “And so, here we are!”
A couple went on vacation to a fishing
A couple was having dinner
6.
A little boy walks in on his parents having make love,
his dad says Jacob please leave me and mommy are trying to make you a brother or sister
and the child replies, Daddy do in doggy style I want puppy.
One night a little girl walks
A boss said to his secretary
A little boy walks in on his parents having make love,
his dad says Jacob please leave me and mommy are trying to make you a brother or sister
and the child replies, Daddy do in doggy style I want puppy.
One night a little girl walks
A boss said to his secretary
7.
Two men were traveling in company along the road when one of them picked up a well-filled purse.
“How lucky I am!” he said.
“I have found a purse judging by its weight it must be full of gold.”
“Do not say ‘I have found a purse,’” said his companion
“Say rather ‘we have found a purse’ and ‘how lucky we are travelers ought to share alike the fortunes or misfortunes of the road.”
“No, no,” replied the other angrily.
“I found it and I am going to keep it.”
Just then they heard a shout of “Stop, thief!” and looking around, saw a mob of people armed with clubs coming down the road.
The man who had found the purse fell into a panic.
“We are lost if they find the purse on us,” he cried.
“No, no,” replied the other, “You would not say ‘we’ before, so now stick.”
A merchant sent his son to learn the Secret
One day a friend asked
Two men were traveling in company along the road when one of them picked up a well-filled purse.
“How lucky I am!” he said.
“I have found a purse judging by its weight it must be full of gold.”
“Do not say ‘I have found a purse,’” said his companion
“Say rather ‘we have found a purse’ and ‘how lucky we are travelers ought to share alike the fortunes or misfortunes of the road.”
“No, no,” replied the other angrily.
“I found it and I am going to keep it.”
Just then they heard a shout of “Stop, thief!” and looking around, saw a mob of people armed with clubs coming down the road.
The man who had found the purse fell into a panic.
“We are lost if they find the purse on us,” he cried.
“No, no,” replied the other, “You would not say ‘we’ before, so now stick.”
A merchant sent his son to learn the Secret
One day a friend asked
8.
A bride tells her husband, “Honey, you know I’m a pure and I don’t know anything about make love. Can you explain it to me first?”
“Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison.”
And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, “Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.”
Turning on his side, he smiles and says, “Then we will have to re-imprison him.”
After the second time, the bride says, “Honey, the prisoner is out again!”
The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again.
The bride again says, “Honey, the prisoner escaped again,” to which the husband yelled, ”
Hey, it’s not a life sentence!!!”
A man was going up to bed
A blonde was summoned to court to appear
A bride tells her husband, “Honey, you know I’m a pure and I don’t know anything about make love. Can you explain it to me first?”
“Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison.”
And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, “Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.”
Turning on his side, he smiles and says, “Then we will have to re-imprison him.”
After the second time, the bride says, “Honey, the prisoner is out again!”
The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again.
The bride again says, “Honey, the prisoner escaped again,” to which the husband yelled, ”
Hey, it’s not a life sentence!!!”
A man was going up to bed
A blonde was summoned to court to appear
9.
Paddy and Murphy were watching a John Wayne movie.
Paddy said to Murphy,
“I bet you €5 John Wayne falls off this horse and the horse goes over the cliff.”
Murphy said,
“Ok Paddy.” So there they are, watching the film and John Wayne falls off the horse and the horse goes over the cliff.
Paddy turns round to Murphy.
“I told you what would happen.”
Murphy said,
“You’re right Paddy, there you go €5.
Paddy thinks and at the end of the film, says.
“I feel pretty bad here Murphy.”
“Why that Paddy?”
“Because I’ve seen this film before.”
Murphy says,
“So have I, but I didn’t expect him to make the same mistake twice.”
A rancher was minding his own business
The wise man
Paddy and Murphy were watching a John Wayne movie.
Paddy said to Murphy,
“I bet you €5 John Wayne falls off this horse and the horse goes over the cliff.”
Murphy said,
“Ok Paddy.” So there they are, watching the film and John Wayne falls off the horse and the horse goes over the cliff.
Paddy turns round to Murphy.
“I told you what would happen.”
Murphy said,
“You’re right Paddy, there you go €5.
Paddy thinks and at the end of the film, says.
“I feel pretty bad here Murphy.”
“Why that Paddy?”
“Because I’ve seen this film before.”
Murphy says,
“So have I, but I didn’t expect him to make the same mistake twice.”
A rancher was minding his own business
The wise man
10.
Few years have passed and Sally and Meg finally meet after a long time not seeing each other.
Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks.
“If there is a memento of some sort inside.”
“Yes,” says Sally, “a look of my husband’s hair.”
“But Larry’s still alive.”
“I know, but his hair is gone.”
The visiting church school supervisor asks
A blonde was suffering
Few years have passed and Sally and Meg finally meet after a long time not seeing each other.
Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks.
“If there is a memento of some sort inside.”
“Yes,” says Sally, “a look of my husband’s hair.”
“But Larry’s still alive.”
“I know, but his hair is gone.”
The visiting church school supervisor asks
A blonde was suffering
11.
A husband visited a marriage counselor and said,
“When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking.
Now after ten years it’s all different.
I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking.”
A elderly couple was driving across
A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing
A husband visited a marriage counselor and said,
“When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking.
Now after ten years it’s all different.
I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking.”
A elderly couple was driving across
A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing
12.
An elderly patient in a mental hospital was being reviewed for possible release.
When asked what he would do if released, he replied,
“I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in the place.”
Obviously, his release was denied.
Six months later, the board was again considering his release and again asked him the same question.
His reply was the same.
“I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in the place”.
Again, he was turned down.
Several months later he was complaining to a fellow patient that he could never seem to get released.
The elderly patient asked him what he said when they interviewed him, and he told him.
The elderly patient said, “You will never get released with answers like that. You have to tell them what they want to hear. Let me give you some advice on how to answer them when they ask you questions.”
So, after considerable coaching, the man felt that he was ready.
So when the board met again, they again asked him what he would do if they let him out. But this time he was ready.
He said, “I am going to get a job, find an apartment, and settle down.”
“Good,” they said, and then what?”
He said, “I want to meet a nice girl and start dating.”
They agreed he was making real progress and asked, “And then what”?
“One night when we are alone in my apartment, I am going to make passionate love to my girlfriend. I am going to take her dress off, and then take her corset off and lie her down on the bed.”
“Yes? they said excitedly.
“Then I am going to gently remove her underwear,” he continued.
The board members were really getting excited now and asked,
“Then what are you going to do?”
He said, “I am going to take the elastic out of those underwear, make myself a slingshot, come back here and break every damn window in this place!!!
A lawyer and senior citizen are sitting a train
Johnny decided to ask his dad
An elderly patient in a mental hospital was being reviewed for possible release.
When asked what he would do if released, he replied,
“I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in the place.”
Obviously, his release was denied.
Six months later, the board was again considering his release and again asked him the same question.
His reply was the same.
“I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in the place”.
Again, he was turned down.
Several months later he was complaining to a fellow patient that he could never seem to get released.
The elderly patient asked him what he said when they interviewed him, and he told him.
The elderly patient said, “You will never get released with answers like that. You have to tell them what they want to hear. Let me give you some advice on how to answer them when they ask you questions.”
So, after considerable coaching, the man felt that he was ready.
So when the board met again, they again asked him what he would do if they let him out. But this time he was ready.
He said, “I am going to get a job, find an apartment, and settle down.”
“Good,” they said, and then what?”
He said, “I want to meet a nice girl and start dating.”
They agreed he was making real progress and asked, “And then what”?
“One night when we are alone in my apartment, I am going to make passionate love to my girlfriend. I am going to take her dress off, and then take her corset off and lie her down on the bed.”
“Yes? they said excitedly.
“Then I am going to gently remove her underwear,” he continued.
The board members were really getting excited now and asked,
“Then what are you going to do?”
He said, “I am going to take the elastic out of those underwear, make myself a slingshot, come back here and break every damn window in this place!!!
A lawyer and senior citizen are sitting a train
Johnny decided to ask his dad
13.
A city boy driving through the country passes a chicken farm and he is doing 55 mph.
A chicken runs by and passes him inside of his fenced in field.
He thinks wow that is amazing.
He stops and pulls into the barnyard where he sees the farmer.
He said to the farmer, “I was driving along the road out there and one of your chickens passed me in my car.”
The farmer replies, “I know, I raise chickens and never seem to have enough chicken legs for the poultry plant, so I have genetically produced a chicken with three legs.”
The city boy replies, “wow that is fantastic, you ought to be rich now. How do they taste?”
The farmer replies “Don’t know, never been able to catch one!”
A wife asked her husband to describe her
Two elderly people living in a Florida
A city boy driving through the country passes a chicken farm and he is doing 55 mph.
A chicken runs by and passes him inside of his fenced in field.
He thinks wow that is amazing.
He stops and pulls into the barnyard where he sees the farmer.
He said to the farmer, “I was driving along the road out there and one of your chickens passed me in my car.”
The farmer replies, “I know, I raise chickens and never seem to have enough chicken legs for the poultry plant, so I have genetically produced a chicken with three legs.”
The city boy replies, “wow that is fantastic, you ought to be rich now. How do they taste?”
The farmer replies “Don’t know, never been able to catch one!”
A wife asked her husband to describe her
Two elderly people living in a Florida
14.
Haggling over a pricing structure with Dwayne Johnson
Dwayne Johnson recently came to the arts and crafts store I own looking to buy equipment for the wardrobe department for his latest movie.
He asked if we could quickly fill a large order of cloth-cutting shears.
I told him yes, but given the rush, we couldn’t offer a bulk discount.
For the next hour, Mr. Johnson haggled with me, insisting on paying a single, reduced price for the order of shears rather than the standard per-item price.
With my frustration growing, Mr. Johnson wouldn’t back down.
Finally, he made a desperate attempt to get the deal he wanted: he suggested we play any simple game of my choice; winner sets the price structure for the shears.
He then asked me what I wanted to play.
Unable to hold back my aggravation, I shouted: ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS!
A hideous little orc is in the kingdom’s capital
A scientist is asked by the government
Haggling over a pricing structure with Dwayne Johnson
Dwayne Johnson recently came to the arts and crafts store I own looking to buy equipment for the wardrobe department for his latest movie.
He asked if we could quickly fill a large order of cloth-cutting shears.
I told him yes, but given the rush, we couldn’t offer a bulk discount.
For the next hour, Mr. Johnson haggled with me, insisting on paying a single, reduced price for the order of shears rather than the standard per-item price.
With my frustration growing, Mr. Johnson wouldn’t back down.
Finally, he made a desperate attempt to get the deal he wanted: he suggested we play any simple game of my choice; winner sets the price structure for the shears.
He then asked me what I wanted to play.
Unable to hold back my aggravation, I shouted: ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS!
A hideous little orc is in the kingdom’s capital
A scientist is asked by the government
15.
A wealthy man died and went to heaven.
He was met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter who led him down the streets of gold.
They passed mansion after mansion until they came to the very end of the street.
Saint Peter stopped the rich man in front of a little shack.
“This belongs to you,” said Saint Peter.
“Why do I get this ugly thing when there are so many mansions I could live in?” the man demanded.
“We did the best we could with the money you sent us!” Saint Peter replied.
Bubba and Earl were in the local bar
She caught the burglar red-handed
A wealthy man died and went to heaven.
He was met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter who led him down the streets of gold.
They passed mansion after mansion until they came to the very end of the street.
Saint Peter stopped the rich man in front of a little shack.
“This belongs to you,” said Saint Peter.
“Why do I get this ugly thing when there are so many mansions I could live in?” the man demanded.
“We did the best we could with the money you sent us!” Saint Peter replied.
Bubba and Earl were in the local bar
She caught the burglar red-handed
16.
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He’d toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.
After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out..
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blowhard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,
‘That’s so wonderful! Isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows up?’
The father replied, ‘From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.
Three old men Bert, Arnie and Harry
He entered their bedroom
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He’d toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.
After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out..
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blowhard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,
‘That’s so wonderful! Isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows up?’
The father replied, ‘From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.
Three old men Bert, Arnie and Harry
He entered their bedroom
17.
So there was this female business executive who was late for a meeting.
She is going 65 on a street where the speed limit is 40.
A cop pulls her over and says “ma’am, can I please see your license?”
She says “I’m sorry, officer, but I got it revoked two years ago for drunk driving.”
His brow furrows and he straightens up.
“Well, can I please see the registration of your car?”
She says “I stole the car and I killed the driver; he’s in the trunk.”
“Ma’am, DON’T MOVE, I’m calling for backup.”
He mutters furiously into his walkie-talkie… Five minutes later, half the squad pulls up, the Chief of Police walks over to the woman’s window.
“Ma’am, can I see your license?” he asks sternly.
“Of course, officer,” she smiles demurely and pulls out a license from her purse.
He squints warily at it.
“This looks legitimate,” he mumbles.
“Can I see the registration to this car?”
She pulls it out of the glove compartment and hands it to him.
“Ma’am, stand back!”
He bangs open the trunk of the car and flinches: but it was completely empty… The woman brandishes a finger at the first cop and says accusingly, “And I’ll bet that liar told you I was speeding too!!”
He watched as old lady boarded
John Sam and Abe three retired friends
So there was this female business executive who was late for a meeting.
She is going 65 on a street where the speed limit is 40.
A cop pulls her over and says “ma’am, can I please see your license?”
She says “I’m sorry, officer, but I got it revoked two years ago for drunk driving.”
His brow furrows and he straightens up.
“Well, can I please see the registration of your car?”
She says “I stole the car and I killed the driver; he’s in the trunk.”
“Ma’am, DON’T MOVE, I’m calling for backup.”
He mutters furiously into his walkie-talkie… Five minutes later, half the squad pulls up, the Chief of Police walks over to the woman’s window.
“Ma’am, can I see your license?” he asks sternly.
“Of course, officer,” she smiles demurely and pulls out a license from her purse.
He squints warily at it.
“This looks legitimate,” he mumbles.
“Can I see the registration to this car?”
She pulls it out of the glove compartment and hands it to him.
“Ma’am, stand back!”
He bangs open the trunk of the car and flinches: but it was completely empty… The woman brandishes a finger at the first cop and says accusingly, “And I’ll bet that liar told you I was speeding too!!”
He watched as old lady boarded
John Sam and Abe three retired friends
18.
A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his make love life.
The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but he couldn’t get a clear picture of the problems.
Finally he asked, “Do you ever watch your girlfriend’s face while you’re having lovemaking?”
“Well, yes, I did once.”
“And how did she look?”
“Oh boy, she looked very angry!”
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere.
“Well that’s very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend’s face once during make love. That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?”
“She was watching us through the window.”
A elderly lady went to the doctor
A woman goes into a restaurant with 15 kids
A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his make love life.
The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but he couldn’t get a clear picture of the problems.
Finally he asked, “Do you ever watch your girlfriend’s face while you’re having lovemaking?”
“Well, yes, I did once.”
“And how did she look?”
“Oh boy, she looked very angry!”
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere.
“Well that’s very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend’s face once during make love. That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?”
“She was watching us through the window.”
A elderly lady went to the doctor
A woman goes into a restaurant with 15 kids
19.
Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
“Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me.” she told him.
“Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,
“How does that feel?”
He replied, “It feels great, but I still think my thumb’s broken.”
Adam was talking to his friend
A young couple on their wedding night
Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
“Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me.” she told him.
“Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,
“How does that feel?”
He replied, “It feels great, but I still think my thumb’s broken.”
Adam was talking to his friend
A young couple on their wedding night
20.
Two Women riding in an elevator in a very lavish and posh building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume.
She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, “Romance” by Ralph Lauren, at $180.
Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, “Chanel No. 5, at $220.”
When they got to the third floor, the old woman had reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator.
Before she leaves, she looks at both beautiful women in the eye,
Farts, and then says… Heinz Baked beans … $1.50.
A bear walks into a bar
The car speed off the highway
Two Women riding in an elevator in a very lavish and posh building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume.
She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, “Romance” by Ralph Lauren, at $180.
Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, “Chanel No. 5, at $220.”
When they got to the third floor, the old woman had reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator.
Before she leaves, she looks at both beautiful women in the eye,
Farts, and then says… Heinz Baked beans … $1.50.
A bear walks into a bar
The car speed off the highway
21.
The next time you are tempted to say something hurtful to someone just because you’re angry, you might want to stop and remember this story: it’s a keeper.
There once was a little boy who had a bad temper.
His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence.
The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence.
Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down.
He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.
Finally the day came when the boy didn’t lose his temper at all.
He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.
The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.
The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence.
He said, “You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence
The fence will never be the same.
When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one.
You can put a knife in a man and draw it out.
It won’t matter how many times you say I’m sorry, the wound is still there.”
The little boy then understood how powerful his words were.
He looked up at his father and said “I hope you can forgive me father for the holes I put in you.”
“Of course I can,” said the father.
Paddy and Murphy meet at the supermarket
The man said to the dentist
The next time you are tempted to say something hurtful to someone just because you’re angry, you might want to stop and remember this story: it’s a keeper.
There once was a little boy who had a bad temper.
His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence.
The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence.
Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down.
He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.
Finally the day came when the boy didn’t lose his temper at all.
He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.
The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.
The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence.
He said, “You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence
The fence will never be the same.
When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one.
You can put a knife in a man and draw it out.
It won’t matter how many times you say I’m sorry, the wound is still there.”
The little boy then understood how powerful his words were.
He looked up at his father and said “I hope you can forgive me father for the holes I put in you.”
“Of course I can,” said the father.
Paddy and Murphy meet at the supermarket
The man said to the dentist
22.
Two men are working on a telephone pole.
A little old lady walks by and one of the men yell to her,
“Hey lady, can you move that wire off the sidewalk for us!”
She picks it up and moves it from the sidewalk.
The second electrician says,
“I told you it wasn’t live.”
A lady goes into a bar
A old man accidentally crashed his car
Two men are working on a telephone pole.
A little old lady walks by and one of the men yell to her,
“Hey lady, can you move that wire off the sidewalk for us!”
She picks it up and moves it from the sidewalk.
The second electrician says,
“I told you it wasn’t live.”
A lady goes into a bar
A old man accidentally crashed his car
23.
Sarah’s parents are excited to meet her new boyfriend.
This is the first time the 28 year old has brought a man to meet her parents.
Her mother slaved over a hot stove all day, while the father cleaned the house and cut the grass.
They both wore their best clothes and waited for Sarah.
At 8PM they hear that ring.
They open the door and Sarah is there, standing next to a huge man, full of tattoos, and a face that looks like it has been in every possible fight, with scars aplenty crossing his face.
He looks like he beats people for a living.
After some hesitant pleasantries, the shocked parents take Sarah to the kitchen.
“What the heck, Sarah?” asked her mother,
“Why would you date a guy like that, he looks like a thug!”
“You’ve got him all wrong,” said Sarah, irritated,
“he’s an incredibly nice and charitable guy.”
“What makes you say that?” asked her father.
“Well, just this month he spent 200 hours serving his community.”
Johnny is back at school after the holidays
Two hunters are in the woods
Sarah’s parents are excited to meet her new boyfriend.
This is the first time the 28 year old has brought a man to meet her parents.
Her mother slaved over a hot stove all day, while the father cleaned the house and cut the grass.
They both wore their best clothes and waited for Sarah.
At 8PM they hear that ring.
They open the door and Sarah is there, standing next to a huge man, full of tattoos, and a face that looks like it has been in every possible fight, with scars aplenty crossing his face.
He looks like he beats people for a living.
After some hesitant pleasantries, the shocked parents take Sarah to the kitchen.
“What the heck, Sarah?” asked her mother,
“Why would you date a guy like that, he looks like a thug!”
“You’ve got him all wrong,” said Sarah, irritated,
“he’s an incredibly nice and charitable guy.”
“What makes you say that?” asked her father.
“Well, just this month he spent 200 hours serving his community.”
Johnny is back at school after the holidays
Two hunters are in the woods
24.
Once upon a time there was a poor but very brave man called Ali.
He worked for Ammar, a rich old merchant.
One winter’s night Ammar said:
“nobody can spend a night like this on top of the mountain without a blanket or food but you need money, and if you can manage to do that you will receive a great reward If you don’t, you will work for thirty days without pay”.
Ali answered: “tomorrow I shall do this test”.
But when he left the shop, he saw that a really icy wind was blowing and became scared, so he decided to ask his best friend, Aydi, if it was crazy of him to accept that bet.
After reflecting a while, Aydi answered:
I shall help you tomorrow, when you are at the top of the mountain, look ahead.
I will be on the top of the mountain next to yours, where I will spend the whole night with a bonfire lit for you.
You look at the fire and think about our friendship – that will keep you warm you will manage, and later on I shall ask you something in return.
Ali won the test, got the money, and went to his friend’s house:
“You told me you wanted some payment.”
Aydi answered: “Yes, but it isn’t money
Promise that if at any time a cold wind passes through my life, you will light the fire of friendship for me.”
A man hears a voice
He goes to his local priest
Once upon a time there was a poor but very brave man called Ali.
He worked for Ammar, a rich old merchant.
One winter’s night Ammar said:
“nobody can spend a night like this on top of the mountain without a blanket or food but you need money, and if you can manage to do that you will receive a great reward If you don’t, you will work for thirty days without pay”.
Ali answered: “tomorrow I shall do this test”.
But when he left the shop, he saw that a really icy wind was blowing and became scared, so he decided to ask his best friend, Aydi, if it was crazy of him to accept that bet.
After reflecting a while, Aydi answered:
I shall help you tomorrow, when you are at the top of the mountain, look ahead.
I will be on the top of the mountain next to yours, where I will spend the whole night with a bonfire lit for you.
You look at the fire and think about our friendship – that will keep you warm you will manage, and later on I shall ask you something in return.
Ali won the test, got the money, and went to his friend’s house:
“You told me you wanted some payment.”
Aydi answered: “Yes, but it isn’t money
Promise that if at any time a cold wind passes through my life, you will light the fire of friendship for me.”
A man hears a voice
He goes to his local priest
25.
A man is having dinner with his new girlfriend’s family.
They spend the early part of the evening talking, getting to know each other, and just generally having a good time.
After about an hour in however suddenly the father stops mid conversation, puts on some sneakers, and dashes around the dining room table a few times.
Before the man can voice his confusion, the girlfriend’s family burst into laughter.
They stop after a minute and carry on like normal.
This happens three more times during the night and the boyfriend says nothing out of fear and wanting to avoid putting a damper on the evening.
After the dinner and everyone said their goodbyes the man confronts his girlfriend after they arrive home.
“What the hell was with the laps around the table and the loud laughter?” He says panicked.
The wife turns to him and says “Calm down honey, nothing to get excited about. Our family just has a few running jokes.”
After an hour of gathering up his courage
A German guy lets his wife travel to Paris alone
A man is having dinner with his new girlfriend’s family.
They spend the early part of the evening talking, getting to know each other, and just generally having a good time.
After about an hour in however suddenly the father stops mid conversation, puts on some sneakers, and dashes around the dining room table a few times.
Before the man can voice his confusion, the girlfriend’s family burst into laughter.
They stop after a minute and carry on like normal.
This happens three more times during the night and the boyfriend says nothing out of fear and wanting to avoid putting a damper on the evening.
After the dinner and everyone said their goodbyes the man confronts his girlfriend after they arrive home.
“What the hell was with the laps around the table and the loud laughter?” He says panicked.
The wife turns to him and says “Calm down honey, nothing to get excited about. Our family just has a few running jokes.”
After an hour of gathering up his courage
A German guy lets his wife travel to Paris alone
26.
Mickey Mouse steps into lawyers office to review divorce with lawyer.
Mickey: I need to get out of this marriage! Minnie ruined my life.
I’ve paid you good money for you to get me back what’s rightly mine.
What do you have for me?
Lawyer: Mickey I’ve reviewed your case against Minnie and to be blunt you don’t have a good case against her.
The main reason for this divorce as you said is because “she’s crazy” .
We have laws that protect spouses.
You can’t divorce someone and get everything back from them because of what you think are character flaws.
Mickey: I didn’t say she was crazy!!
Today I went to the children’s daycare
My buddies and I where out for a night
Mickey Mouse steps into lawyers office to review divorce with lawyer.
Mickey: I need to get out of this marriage! Minnie ruined my life.
I’ve paid you good money for you to get me back what’s rightly mine.
What do you have for me?
Lawyer: Mickey I’ve reviewed your case against Minnie and to be blunt you don’t have a good case against her.
The main reason for this divorce as you said is because “she’s crazy” .
We have laws that protect spouses.
You can’t divorce someone and get everything back from them because of what you think are character flaws.
Mickey: I didn’t say she was crazy!!
Today I went to the children’s daycare
My buddies and I where out for a night
27.
An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application.
Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough.
He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof.
He goes home to his wife, shows her the check, and explains to her what has happened.
She replies, “Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!”
A woman stood up at a local pub
A guy walks into a bar
An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application.
Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough.
He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof.
He goes home to his wife, shows her the check, and explains to her what has happened.
She replies, “Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!”
A woman stood up at a local pub
A guy walks into a bar
28.
An old farmer went to town to see a movie.
The ticket girl said, “Sir, what is that on your shoulder?”
The old farmer said, “That is my pet rooster, Chuckie. Wherever I go, Chuckie goes.”
“I’m sorry, Sir,” said the ticket girl, “We can’t allow animals in the theater. Not even a pet chicken.”
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his pants.
He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater.
He sat down next to two old emergency room nurses named Mildred and Marge.
The movie started and the chicken began to squirm.
The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the movie.
“Marge,” whispered Mildred.
“What?” said Marge.
“I think the guy next to me is a pervert.”
“What makes you think so?” asked Marge.
“He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out,” whispered Mildred.
“Well, don’t worry about it,” said Marge, “At our age it isn’t anything we haven’t seen before.”
“Yes,” said Mildred, “But this one’s eating my popcorn!”
Two guys are sitting at a bar
A guy has been asking girl
An old farmer went to town to see a movie.
The ticket girl said, “Sir, what is that on your shoulder?”
The old farmer said, “That is my pet rooster, Chuckie. Wherever I go, Chuckie goes.”
“I’m sorry, Sir,” said the ticket girl, “We can’t allow animals in the theater. Not even a pet chicken.”
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his pants.
He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater.
He sat down next to two old emergency room nurses named Mildred and Marge.
The movie started and the chicken began to squirm.
The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the movie.
“Marge,” whispered Mildred.
“What?” said Marge.
“I think the guy next to me is a pervert.”
“What makes you think so?” asked Marge.
“He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out,” whispered Mildred.
“Well, don’t worry about it,” said Marge, “At our age it isn’t anything we haven’t seen before.”
“Yes,” said Mildred, “But this one’s eating my popcorn!”
Two guys are sitting at a bar
A guy has been asking girl
29.
A mobile phone on a bench rings, and a man puts the phone on speaker and begins to talk as he puts on his golf shoes.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
Man: “Hello?”
Woman: “Honey, its me. Are you at the club?”
Man: “Yes.”
Woman: “I’m at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It’s only 1200 dollars right now, down from 1900
Is it okay if I buy it?”
Man: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”
Woman: “Oh, thanks so very much. I also stopped by the Mercedes garage this morning and saw the new models. There was one that I really, really liked.”
Man: “How much?”
Woman: “80.000.”
Man: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the optional extras.”
Woman: “Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house that we looked at last year is back on the market. They’re asking 1,500,000.”
Man: “Well then, go ahead and make them an offer, but no more than 1,250,000.”
Woman: “Wow, great! I’ll see you later! I love you!”
Man: “Love you too, bye!”
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in absolute astonishment.
Then he smiles and asks, “Anyone know whose phone this is?”
A Blonde Guy walks into a bar
I left three envelopes in your desk
A mobile phone on a bench rings, and a man puts the phone on speaker and begins to talk as he puts on his golf shoes.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
Man: “Hello?”
Woman: “Honey, its me. Are you at the club?”
Man: “Yes.”
Woman: “I’m at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It’s only 1200 dollars right now, down from 1900
Is it okay if I buy it?”
Man: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”
Woman: “Oh, thanks so very much. I also stopped by the Mercedes garage this morning and saw the new models. There was one that I really, really liked.”
Man: “How much?”
Woman: “80.000.”
Man: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the optional extras.”
Woman: “Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house that we looked at last year is back on the market. They’re asking 1,500,000.”
Man: “Well then, go ahead and make them an offer, but no more than 1,250,000.”
Woman: “Wow, great! I’ll see you later! I love you!”
Man: “Love you too, bye!”
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in absolute astonishment.
Then he smiles and asks, “Anyone know whose phone this is?”
A Blonde Guy walks into a bar
I left three envelopes in your desk
30.
A guy was lost in the Sahara Desert, desperate for water, when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image only to find a little old man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.
The guy asked, “Please, I’m dying of thirst, can I have some water?”
The old man replied, “I don’t have any water, but why don’t you buy a tie?. Here’s one that goes nicely with your shirt.”
The guy shouted, “I don’t want a tie, you idiot! I need water!”
“OK, don’t buy a tie, but to show you what a nice guy I am, I’ll tell you that over that dune there, about five miles down, there is a nice restaurant my brother runs. Go over that way, they’ll give you all the water you want.”
The guy thanked him and walked away towards the dune and eventually disappeared.
Three hours later the guy came crawling back to where the old man was sitting behind his card table.
The old man said, “I told you, about five miles over that dune. Couldn’t you find it?”
The guy rasped, “I found it, they wouldn’t let me in without a tie.”
A psychiatrist had no patients in his office
A mans car stalled on a country road
A guy was lost in the Sahara Desert, desperate for water, when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image only to find a little old man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.
The guy asked, “Please, I’m dying of thirst, can I have some water?”
The old man replied, “I don’t have any water, but why don’t you buy a tie?. Here’s one that goes nicely with your shirt.”
The guy shouted, “I don’t want a tie, you idiot! I need water!”
“OK, don’t buy a tie, but to show you what a nice guy I am, I’ll tell you that over that dune there, about five miles down, there is a nice restaurant my brother runs. Go over that way, they’ll give you all the water you want.”
The guy thanked him and walked away towards the dune and eventually disappeared.
Three hours later the guy came crawling back to where the old man was sitting behind his card table.
The old man said, “I told you, about five miles over that dune. Couldn’t you find it?”
The guy rasped, “I found it, they wouldn’t let me in without a tie.”
A psychiatrist had no patients in his office
A mans car stalled on a country road
Tags:
eng jokes