1.
The new preacher moves his things into his new office and comes across the former pastor, taking his items out.
The former pastor says, “I left three envelopes in your desk.
If you have any trouble, open them.”
Well, of course the new preacher thinks he will never have to use them, but in his youthful enthusiasm, he tries to change the order the kids march in during Vacation Bible School.
Well, this makes the workers absolutely furious and there is a lot of ugly talk about the new pastor.
He remembers the envelopes and opens the first one.
It says, “You haven’t been here long, but you decided to make a change in the Vacation Bible School; now everyone is mad.
Tell everyone that the former preacher had told you this was how you preferred to do it.”
So the young preacher did that and it worked well.
He had been there about a year and a half when he tried to change the deacon position from being a life-long job to a position that rotated annually.
Well, this made the deacons really mad, and they were the ones who made his salary recommendation.
So he went back to the drawer and got the second envelope: “You did something to make the deacons mad and there’s talk of replacing you.
Tell them this is the official denominational policy; that you thought they wanted to comply, but it doesn’t make you any difference what they do.”
He tried this, and again it worked great.
You guesed it. After three years, he finally told the women’s organization that they were going to have to open the kitchen so that it could be used without a representative from the women’s group being present.
This put the women’s organization in open revolt.
So he went back to that third and final envelope: “You’ve been here about three years and you finally got the women’s organization mad.
The only thing to do is prepare three envelopes.
A man puts the phone on speaker
A older doctor stopped her
The new preacher moves his things into his new office and comes across the former pastor, taking his items out.
The former pastor says, “I left three envelopes in your desk.
If you have any trouble, open them.”
Well, of course the new preacher thinks he will never have to use them, but in his youthful enthusiasm, he tries to change the order the kids march in during Vacation Bible School.
Well, this makes the workers absolutely furious and there is a lot of ugly talk about the new pastor.
He remembers the envelopes and opens the first one.
It says, “You haven’t been here long, but you decided to make a change in the Vacation Bible School; now everyone is mad.
Tell everyone that the former preacher had told you this was how you preferred to do it.”
So the young preacher did that and it worked well.
He had been there about a year and a half when he tried to change the deacon position from being a life-long job to a position that rotated annually.
Well, this made the deacons really mad, and they were the ones who made his salary recommendation.
So he went back to the drawer and got the second envelope: “You did something to make the deacons mad and there’s talk of replacing you.
Tell them this is the official denominational policy; that you thought they wanted to comply, but it doesn’t make you any difference what they do.”
He tried this, and again it worked great.
You guesed it. After three years, he finally told the women’s organization that they were going to have to open the kitchen so that it could be used without a representative from the women’s group being present.
This put the women’s organization in open revolt.
So he went back to that third and final envelope: “You’ve been here about three years and you finally got the women’s organization mad.
The only thing to do is prepare three envelopes.
A man puts the phone on speaker
A older doctor stopped her
2.
A husband and wife have four sons.
The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.
The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said,
“Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?”
The wife replied, “I swear on everything that’s holy that he is your son.”
With that, the husband passed away.
The wife muttered, “Thank God he didn’t ask about the other three.”
A man eating grass by the roadside
A married couple was in a terrible accident
A husband and wife have four sons.
The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.
The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said,
“Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?”
The wife replied, “I swear on everything that’s holy that he is your son.”
With that, the husband passed away.
The wife muttered, “Thank God he didn’t ask about the other three.”
A man eating grass by the roadside
A married couple was in a terrible accident
3.
The guy knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.”
He walks up to him and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.”
“Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,” he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask,
“So, how long have you been wearing one?”
“Ever since my wife found it in my truck.”
A cowboy
A six-foot beetle standing
The guy knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.”
He walks up to him and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.”
“Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,” he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask,
“So, how long have you been wearing one?”
“Ever since my wife found it in my truck.”
A cowboy
A six-foot beetle standing
4.
A wife arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman.
She screamed at him: “You’re a pig! A pig with no honor! How dare you do this to me! I’m your faithful wife!”
She was about to storm off, when her husband stopped her with these words: “Wait a minute, let me at least explain what happened!”
“Fine!” sobbed the angry wife, “but they will be your LAST words to me!”
“Well, while I was driving along the highway, I saw this young girl here, looking tired and haggard. I felt sorry for her, so I brought her home.”
She was hungry, so I made her a meal from the roast beef you thought was too fattening.
Her sandals were torn so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style.
She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I got you for your birthday that you don’t wear because the colors don’t suit you.
Her slacks were worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that you liked before your sister bought the same pair.
Then, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and said pleadingly, “Please, please, is there anything ELSE your wife doesn’t use anymore?”
A 6th grade teacher asks a question
A blonde and a Lawyer on an airplane
A wife arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman.
She screamed at him: “You’re a pig! A pig with no honor! How dare you do this to me! I’m your faithful wife!”
She was about to storm off, when her husband stopped her with these words: “Wait a minute, let me at least explain what happened!”
“Fine!” sobbed the angry wife, “but they will be your LAST words to me!”
“Well, while I was driving along the highway, I saw this young girl here, looking tired and haggard. I felt sorry for her, so I brought her home.”
She was hungry, so I made her a meal from the roast beef you thought was too fattening.
Her sandals were torn so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style.
She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I got you for your birthday that you don’t wear because the colors don’t suit you.
Her slacks were worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that you liked before your sister bought the same pair.
Then, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and said pleadingly, “Please, please, is there anything ELSE your wife doesn’t use anymore?”
A 6th grade teacher asks a question
A blonde and a Lawyer on an airplane
5.
Little Timmy wanted to take a shower with his dad.
His dad said don’t look down. Timmy looked down.
Timmy said “What’s that?”. Timmy’s dad said “that’s Mr.wiggles”.
Timmy wanted to take a shower with his mom.
Timmy’s mom said don’t look down. Timmy looked down.
Timmy said “What’s that?”. Timmy’s mom said “that’s my garden”.
Timmy’s mom said don’t look up. Timmy looked up.
Timmy said “What are those?”.
Timmy’s mom said those are her headlights.
Timmy wanted to sleep with his parents.
His parents said don’t look under the covers.
Timmy looked under the covers.
Timmy yelled “MOMMY, MOMMY, MR.WIGGLES IS ATTACKING YOUR GARDEN! TURN ON YOUR HEADLIGHTS.
A blonde is pregnant
Mother is on top of father
Little Timmy wanted to take a shower with his dad.
His dad said don’t look down. Timmy looked down.
Timmy said “What’s that?”. Timmy’s dad said “that’s Mr.wiggles”.
Timmy wanted to take a shower with his mom.
Timmy’s mom said don’t look down. Timmy looked down.
Timmy said “What’s that?”. Timmy’s mom said “that’s my garden”.
Timmy’s mom said don’t look up. Timmy looked up.
Timmy said “What are those?”.
Timmy’s mom said those are her headlights.
Timmy wanted to sleep with his parents.
His parents said don’t look under the covers.
Timmy looked under the covers.
Timmy yelled “MOMMY, MOMMY, MR.WIGGLES IS ATTACKING YOUR GARDEN! TURN ON YOUR HEADLIGHTS.
A blonde is pregnant
Mother is on top of father
6.
Two lawyers, Jon and Ethan, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf.
Jon offers Ethan a $50 bet.
Ethan agrees and they’re off.
They shoot a great game.
After the 8th hole, Ethan is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.
“Help me find my ball. Look over there,” he says to Jon.
After a few minutes, neither has any luck.
Since a lost ball carries a four point penalty, Ethan secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground.
“I’ve found my ball!” he announces.
“After all of the years we’ve been partners and playing together,”
Jon says, “you’d cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?”
“What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!”
“And you’re a liar, too!” Jon says.
“I’ll have you know I’ve been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!”
Death comes to collect a man soul
Predicting the weather
Two lawyers, Jon and Ethan, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf.
Jon offers Ethan a $50 bet.
Ethan agrees and they’re off.
They shoot a great game.
After the 8th hole, Ethan is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.
“Help me find my ball. Look over there,” he says to Jon.
After a few minutes, neither has any luck.
Since a lost ball carries a four point penalty, Ethan secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground.
“I’ve found my ball!” he announces.
“After all of the years we’ve been partners and playing together,”
Jon says, “you’d cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?”
“What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!”
“And you’re a liar, too!” Jon says.
“I’ll have you know I’ve been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!”
Death comes to collect a man soul
Predicting the weather
7.
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He’d toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.
After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out..
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blowhard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,
‘That’s so wonderful! Isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows up?’
The father replied, ‘From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.
Three old men Bert, Arnie and Harry
He entered their bedroom
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He’d toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.
After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out..
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blowhard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,
‘That’s so wonderful! Isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows up?’
The father replied, ‘From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.
Three old men Bert, Arnie and Harry
He entered their bedroom
8.
There was a farmer who had a horse and a goat.
One day, the horse became ill and he called the veterinarian, who said: Well, your horse has a virus.
He must take this medicine for three days I’ll come back on the 3rd day and if he’s not better, we’re going to have to put him down.
Nearby, the goat listened closely to their conversation.
The next day, they gave him the medicine and left.
The goat approached the horse and said: Be strong, my friend get up or else they’re going to put you to sleep!
On the second day, they gave him the medicine and left.
The goat came back and said: Come on buddy, get up or else you’re going to die!
Come on, I’ll help you get up let’s go! One, two, three…
On the third day, they came to give him the medicine and the vet said: Unfortunately, we’re going to have to put him down tomorrow otherwise, the virus might spread and infect the other horses.
After they left, the goat approached the horse and said: Listen pal, it’s now or never! Get up, come on!
Have courage! Come on! Get up! Get up! That’s it, slowly! Great! Come on, one, two, three… Good, good
Now faster, come on… Fantastic! Run, run more!
Yes! Yay! Yes! You did it, you’re a champion!!!
All of a sudden, the owner came back, saw the horse running in the field and began shouting: It’s a miracle!
My horse is cured we must have a grand party Let’s Cook the goat!!!!
A gorgeous 19 year old girl
A airline pilot was scheduled
There was a farmer who had a horse and a goat.
One day, the horse became ill and he called the veterinarian, who said: Well, your horse has a virus.
He must take this medicine for three days I’ll come back on the 3rd day and if he’s not better, we’re going to have to put him down.
Nearby, the goat listened closely to their conversation.
The next day, they gave him the medicine and left.
The goat approached the horse and said: Be strong, my friend get up or else they’re going to put you to sleep!
On the second day, they gave him the medicine and left.
The goat came back and said: Come on buddy, get up or else you’re going to die!
Come on, I’ll help you get up let’s go! One, two, three…
On the third day, they came to give him the medicine and the vet said: Unfortunately, we’re going to have to put him down tomorrow otherwise, the virus might spread and infect the other horses.
After they left, the goat approached the horse and said: Listen pal, it’s now or never! Get up, come on!
Have courage! Come on! Get up! Get up! That’s it, slowly! Great! Come on, one, two, three… Good, good
Now faster, come on… Fantastic! Run, run more!
Yes! Yay! Yes! You did it, you’re a champion!!!
All of a sudden, the owner came back, saw the horse running in the field and began shouting: It’s a miracle!
My horse is cured we must have a grand party Let’s Cook the goat!!!!
A gorgeous 19 year old girl
A airline pilot was scheduled
9.
A woman went to doctor’s office for her annual examination.
Suddenly, another older doctor noticed her burst out of the examination room, screaming as she ran down the hall.
He stopped the hysterical woman and asked her to sit down and relax.
Then, he asked her what she was so upset about.
A few minutes later, the older doctor marched back to the woman’s doctor and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children, and seven grandchildren… and you told her she was pregnant?”
The woman’s doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard, “Cured her hiccups though, didn’t I?”
A teacher asks the kids
Two blondes were driving along a road
A woman went to doctor’s office for her annual examination.
Suddenly, another older doctor noticed her burst out of the examination room, screaming as she ran down the hall.
He stopped the hysterical woman and asked her to sit down and relax.
Then, he asked her what she was so upset about.
A few minutes later, the older doctor marched back to the woman’s doctor and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children, and seven grandchildren… and you told her she was pregnant?”
The woman’s doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard, “Cured her hiccups though, didn’t I?”
A teacher asks the kids
Two blondes were driving along a road
10.
Fred was very old, sick, and doctors said he would not l and dying.
There was an elderly man at home in his bed, dying.
He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking in the kitchen downstairs, and he wanted one last cookie before he died.
His life fading, he made his way down the stairs and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies.
With his last remaining strength, he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet.
As he grasped a warm, moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.
Gasping for breath, he asked her, “Why did you do that?”
“Those are for the funeral.”
A pupil was caught stealing
Edna are both mental patients
Fred was very old, sick, and doctors said he would not l and dying.
There was an elderly man at home in his bed, dying.
He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking in the kitchen downstairs, and he wanted one last cookie before he died.
His life fading, he made his way down the stairs and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies.
With his last remaining strength, he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet.
As he grasped a warm, moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.
Gasping for breath, he asked her, “Why did you do that?”
“Those are for the funeral.”
A pupil was caught stealing
Edna are both mental patients
11.
The mother asks little Johnny, as they wait for the bus, to tell the driver he is 4 years old when asked because he will ride for free.
As they get into the bus the driver asks Johnny how old he was. “I am 4 years old”.
“And when will you be six years old?” asks the driver.
“When I get off the bus” answers Johnny.
A man was pulled over for speeding down
A elderly couple was in bed one night
The mother asks little Johnny, as they wait for the bus, to tell the driver he is 4 years old when asked because he will ride for free.
As they get into the bus the driver asks Johnny how old he was. “I am 4 years old”.
“And when will you be six years old?” asks the driver.
“When I get off the bus” answers Johnny.
A man was pulled over for speeding down
A elderly couple was in bed one night
12.
A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit,
She instructed her son Little Johnny to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to his daddy who was on site.
After Little Johnny had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that there was a lady that picked up daddy’s phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile.
Women!! ?????
Hearing this Mom got angry.
She waited impatiently for her husband to return from work and upon seeing him in the driveway, she rushed out and gave him a tight slap, and she slapped him again, for good measure.
People from the neighborhood rushed around to find out what the cause of the commotion was.
The woman asked Little Johnny to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called.
Little Johnny said: “The subscriber you have dialed is not available at present. Please Try Again Later…”
A man joined a big Multi National Company
There was this professional assassin that charged
A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit,
She instructed her son Little Johnny to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to his daddy who was on site.
After Little Johnny had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that there was a lady that picked up daddy’s phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile.
Women!! ?????
Hearing this Mom got angry.
She waited impatiently for her husband to return from work and upon seeing him in the driveway, she rushed out and gave him a tight slap, and she slapped him again, for good measure.
People from the neighborhood rushed around to find out what the cause of the commotion was.
The woman asked Little Johnny to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called.
Little Johnny said: “The subscriber you have dialed is not available at present. Please Try Again Later…”
A man joined a big Multi National Company
There was this professional assassin that charged
13.
Little Johnny and Billy were engaging in the time-honored tradition of a verbal battle like little boys all over the world.
“My Father is better than your Father!” Billy declared.
“No, he’s not!” Johnny responded.
“My brother is better than you brother!” Billy said.
“He is not! He is not!” Yelled Little Johnny.
“My Mother is better than your Mother!” Billy continued.
A long pause ensued, then Little Johnny said, “Well, I guess ya got me there. I’ve heard my Father say the same thing more than once.”
They decided to go for a swim
Peter comes very drunk home
Little Johnny and Billy were engaging in the time-honored tradition of a verbal battle like little boys all over the world.
“My Father is better than your Father!” Billy declared.
“No, he’s not!” Johnny responded.
“My brother is better than you brother!” Billy said.
“He is not! He is not!” Yelled Little Johnny.
“My Mother is better than your Mother!” Billy continued.
A long pause ensued, then Little Johnny said, “Well, I guess ya got me there. I’ve heard my Father say the same thing more than once.”
They decided to go for a swim
Peter comes very drunk home
14.
A poor slave, ill-treated by his master, runs away to the forest.
There he comes across a lion in pain because of a thorn in his paw.
The slave bravely goes forward and removes the thorn gently.
The lion without hurting him goes away.
Some days later, the slave’s master comes hunting to the forest and catches many animals and cages them.
The slave is spotted by the masters’ men who catch him and bring him to the cruel master.
The master asks for the slave to be thrown into the lion’s cage.
The slave is awaiting his death in the cage when he realizes that it is the same lion that he had helped.
The slave rescued the lion and all other caged animals.
Moral of the story: One should help others in need, we get the rewards of our helpful acts in return.
Cimon And Pero’s Story
Tickle Me Elmo toys
A poor slave, ill-treated by his master, runs away to the forest.
There he comes across a lion in pain because of a thorn in his paw.
The slave bravely goes forward and removes the thorn gently.
The lion without hurting him goes away.
Some days later, the slave’s master comes hunting to the forest and catches many animals and cages them.
The slave is spotted by the masters’ men who catch him and bring him to the cruel master.
The master asks for the slave to be thrown into the lion’s cage.
The slave is awaiting his death in the cage when he realizes that it is the same lion that he had helped.
The slave rescued the lion and all other caged animals.
Moral of the story: One should help others in need, we get the rewards of our helpful acts in return.
Cimon And Pero’s Story
Tickle Me Elmo toys
15.
James is walking on a downtown street one day, and he happens to see his old high school friend, Harry, a little way up ahead.
“Harry, Harry, how are you?” he greets his old buddy after getting his attention.
“Not so good,” says Harry.
“Why, what happened?” James queries.
“Well,” Harry says, “I just went bankrupt and I’ve still got to feed my family. I don’t know what I’m going to do.”
“Could have been worse,” James replies calmly. “Could have been worse.”
A month or so later, James again encounters Harry, in a restaurant. “And how are things now?” he asks.
“Terrible!” says Harry. “Our house burned down last night.”
“Could have been worse,” says James, again with total aplomb, and goes about his business.
A month later, James runs into Harry a third time. “Well, how goes it?” he inquires.
“Oh!” says Harry. “Things just get worse and worse. It’s one tragedy after another! Now my wife has left me!”
Harry nods his head and gives his usual optimistic-seeming little smile, accompanied by his usual words: “Could’ve been worse.”
This time, Harry grabs James by the shoulders.
“Wait a minute!” he says. “I’m not gonna let you off so easy this time. Three times in the past few months we’ve run into one another, and every time I’ve told you the latest disaster in my life. Every time you say the same thing: ‘Could have been worse.’ This time, for God’s sake, Harry, I want you to tell me: how in Heaven’s name could it have been any worse?”
James smiles at him: “Could have happened to me.”
A man wakes up in a catholic hospital
A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together
James is walking on a downtown street one day, and he happens to see his old high school friend, Harry, a little way up ahead.
“Harry, Harry, how are you?” he greets his old buddy after getting his attention.
“Not so good,” says Harry.
“Why, what happened?” James queries.
“Well,” Harry says, “I just went bankrupt and I’ve still got to feed my family. I don’t know what I’m going to do.”
“Could have been worse,” James replies calmly. “Could have been worse.”
A month or so later, James again encounters Harry, in a restaurant. “And how are things now?” he asks.
“Terrible!” says Harry. “Our house burned down last night.”
“Could have been worse,” says James, again with total aplomb, and goes about his business.
A month later, James runs into Harry a third time. “Well, how goes it?” he inquires.
“Oh!” says Harry. “Things just get worse and worse. It’s one tragedy after another! Now my wife has left me!”
Harry nods his head and gives his usual optimistic-seeming little smile, accompanied by his usual words: “Could’ve been worse.”
This time, Harry grabs James by the shoulders.
“Wait a minute!” he says. “I’m not gonna let you off so easy this time. Three times in the past few months we’ve run into one another, and every time I’ve told you the latest disaster in my life. Every time you say the same thing: ‘Could have been worse.’ This time, for God’s sake, Harry, I want you to tell me: how in Heaven’s name could it have been any worse?”
James smiles at him: “Could have happened to me.”
A man wakes up in a catholic hospital
A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together
16.
Two blonde girls walk into a department store.
They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.
Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it,
“That’s quite nice, don’t you think, Tracy”
“Yeah. What’s it called Sharon?”
“Viens a moi.”
“Viens a moi? What the does that mean?”
At this stage the store clerk offers some help.
“Viens a moi, ladies, is French for ‘come to me.’”
Sharon takes anther sniff and offers her arm to Tracy again saying, “That doesn’t smell like come to me.
Does that smell like come to you?”
Two friends went to interview
A nun was walking in the convent
Two blonde girls walk into a department store.
They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.
Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it,
“That’s quite nice, don’t you think, Tracy”
“Yeah. What’s it called Sharon?”
“Viens a moi.”
“Viens a moi? What the does that mean?”
At this stage the store clerk offers some help.
“Viens a moi, ladies, is French for ‘come to me.’”
Sharon takes anther sniff and offers her arm to Tracy again saying, “That doesn’t smell like come to me.
Does that smell like come to you?”
Two friends went to interview
A nun was walking in the convent
17.
Nasreddin Hodja, having need for a large cooking container, borrowed his neighbor’s copper cauldron, then returned it in a timely manner.
“What is this?” asked his neighbor upon examining the returned cauldron.
“There is a small pot inside my cauldron.”
“Oh,” responded the Hodja.
“While it was in my care your cauldron gave birth to a little one because you are the owner of the mother cauldron, it is only right that you should keep its baby and in any event, it would not be right to separate the child from its mother at such a young age.”
The neighbor, thinking that the Hodja had gone quite mad, did not argue.
Whatever had caused the crazy man to come up with this explanation, the neighbor had a nice little pot, and it had cost him nothing.
Some time later the Hodja asked to borrow the cauldron again.
“Why not?” thought the neighbor to himself.
“Perhaps there will be another little pot inside when he returns it.”
But this time the Hodja did not return the cauldron.
After many days had passed, the neighbor went to the Hodja and asked for the return of the borrowed cauldron.
“My dear friend,” replied the Hodja.
“I have bad news
Your cauldron has died, and is now in her grave.”
“What are you saying?” shouted the neighbor a cauldron does not live, and it cannot die return it to me at once!”
“One moment!” answered the Hodja.
“This is the same cauldron that but a short time ago gave birth to a child, a child that is still in your possession if a cauldron can give birth to a child, then it also can die.”
And the neighbor never again saw his cauldron.
A teacher in New York
The best positions for prayer
Nasreddin Hodja, having need for a large cooking container, borrowed his neighbor’s copper cauldron, then returned it in a timely manner.
“What is this?” asked his neighbor upon examining the returned cauldron.
“There is a small pot inside my cauldron.”
“Oh,” responded the Hodja.
“While it was in my care your cauldron gave birth to a little one because you are the owner of the mother cauldron, it is only right that you should keep its baby and in any event, it would not be right to separate the child from its mother at such a young age.”
The neighbor, thinking that the Hodja had gone quite mad, did not argue.
Whatever had caused the crazy man to come up with this explanation, the neighbor had a nice little pot, and it had cost him nothing.
Some time later the Hodja asked to borrow the cauldron again.
“Why not?” thought the neighbor to himself.
“Perhaps there will be another little pot inside when he returns it.”
But this time the Hodja did not return the cauldron.
After many days had passed, the neighbor went to the Hodja and asked for the return of the borrowed cauldron.
“My dear friend,” replied the Hodja.
“I have bad news
Your cauldron has died, and is now in her grave.”
“What are you saying?” shouted the neighbor a cauldron does not live, and it cannot die return it to me at once!”
“One moment!” answered the Hodja.
“This is the same cauldron that but a short time ago gave birth to a child, a child that is still in your possession if a cauldron can give birth to a child, then it also can die.”
And the neighbor never again saw his cauldron.
A teacher in New York
The best positions for prayer
18.
The pilot announced, “Uh, Folks, we just experienced some turbulence, which caused some engine troubles on our left wing.
Luckily, this jet is equipped with 4 engines, and we still have 3 functional engines!
Because of the engine issues we will be arriving at our destination 30 minutes later than scheduled.”
The passengers all groaned and went back to sleeping, reading, and watching their movies.
Not long afterwards, they felt more turbulence, and again heard the pilot say,
“OK so we just lost our second engine, but not to worry, we are still running well on two engines.
We will arrive at our destination 1 hour later than scheduled.”
The passengers exchanged worried looks and started talking among themselves.
Again, they felt the jet dip and rumble, and again, they heard the pilot say,
“We lost our third engine, and we will arrive 2 hours later than scheduled at our destination.
My apologies for the inconveniences this delay is causing all of you.”
This time, a frustrated looking passenger wearing a business suit stood up and yelled,
“At this rate, if we lose another engine, it’ll take all day to get there!”
Three women die together
The detective walks around the scene
The pilot announced, “Uh, Folks, we just experienced some turbulence, which caused some engine troubles on our left wing.
Luckily, this jet is equipped with 4 engines, and we still have 3 functional engines!
Because of the engine issues we will be arriving at our destination 30 minutes later than scheduled.”
The passengers all groaned and went back to sleeping, reading, and watching their movies.
Not long afterwards, they felt more turbulence, and again heard the pilot say,
“OK so we just lost our second engine, but not to worry, we are still running well on two engines.
We will arrive at our destination 1 hour later than scheduled.”
The passengers exchanged worried looks and started talking among themselves.
Again, they felt the jet dip and rumble, and again, they heard the pilot say,
“We lost our third engine, and we will arrive 2 hours later than scheduled at our destination.
My apologies for the inconveniences this delay is causing all of you.”
This time, a frustrated looking passenger wearing a business suit stood up and yelled,
“At this rate, if we lose another engine, it’ll take all day to get there!”
Three women die together
The detective walks around the scene
19.
The late king of a known Kingdom had ten wild dogs.
He used them to torture and eat any of his servants who made a mistake.
One of the servants gave an opinion which was wrong, and the king didn’t like it at all.
So he ordered that the servant be thrown to the dogs.
The servant said, “I served you for ten years, and you do this to me? Please give me ten days before throwing me to those dogs!”
The king agreed.
In those ten days, the servant went to the guard who looks after the dogs and told him he would like to serve the dogs for the next ten days.
The guard was baffled but agreed, and the servant started feeding the dogs, cleaning for them, bathing them, and providing all sorts of comfort for them.
When the ten days were over, the king ordered that the servant be thrown to the dogs for his punishment.
When he was thrown in, we were all amazed to see the ravenous dogs only licking the feet of the servant!
The king, baffled at what he was seeing, said, ”What has happened to my dogs?”
The servant replied, “I served the dogs for only ten days, and they didn’t forget my service yet I served you for a whole ten years and you forgot all, at my first mistake!”
The king released his mistake and ordered the servant to be set free.
This post is a message to all those who forget the good things a person did for them as soon as the person makes a mistake towards them.
Don’t put out the history that is filled with good because of a mistake you don’t like.
Hope I made sense?
A Lion angrily to a Gnat
One young academically excellent person
The late king of a known Kingdom had ten wild dogs.
He used them to torture and eat any of his servants who made a mistake.
One of the servants gave an opinion which was wrong, and the king didn’t like it at all.
So he ordered that the servant be thrown to the dogs.
The servant said, “I served you for ten years, and you do this to me? Please give me ten days before throwing me to those dogs!”
The king agreed.
In those ten days, the servant went to the guard who looks after the dogs and told him he would like to serve the dogs for the next ten days.
The guard was baffled but agreed, and the servant started feeding the dogs, cleaning for them, bathing them, and providing all sorts of comfort for them.
When the ten days were over, the king ordered that the servant be thrown to the dogs for his punishment.
When he was thrown in, we were all amazed to see the ravenous dogs only licking the feet of the servant!
The king, baffled at what he was seeing, said, ”What has happened to my dogs?”
The servant replied, “I served the dogs for only ten days, and they didn’t forget my service yet I served you for a whole ten years and you forgot all, at my first mistake!”
The king released his mistake and ordered the servant to be set free.
This post is a message to all those who forget the good things a person did for them as soon as the person makes a mistake towards them.
Don’t put out the history that is filled with good because of a mistake you don’t like.
Hope I made sense?
A Lion angrily to a Gnat
One young academically excellent person
20.
Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.
He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it’s a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-down.
So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan.
He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen.
But he won’t say what it is, so he asks Fr.Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.
He leads Fr.Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.
“Well,” says the priest, “it’s pretty obvious.
Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top.”
“No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!” exclaimed Murphy “Oh my Lord,” says Farther Flanagan, “dropped toast never falls with the butter side up.
It’s a mir….Wait… it’s not for me to say it’s a miracle.
I’ll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he’ll have to deal with it.
He’ll send some people round; to interview you, take photos and a statement etc.”
A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome Italy.
No expense is spared.
There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much need tourism revenue.
Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.
“It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy’s kitchen, (quite outside the natural laws of the universe).
Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling it a miracle.
All other explanations must be ruled out.
Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared ‘No Miracle’ because they think that murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!”
A very large gorilla
Two men were marooned on an Island
Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.
He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it’s a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-down.
So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan.
He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen.
But he won’t say what it is, so he asks Fr.Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.
He leads Fr.Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.
“Well,” says the priest, “it’s pretty obvious.
Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top.”
“No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!” exclaimed Murphy “Oh my Lord,” says Farther Flanagan, “dropped toast never falls with the butter side up.
It’s a mir….Wait… it’s not for me to say it’s a miracle.
I’ll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he’ll have to deal with it.
He’ll send some people round; to interview you, take photos and a statement etc.”
A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome Italy.
No expense is spared.
There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much need tourism revenue.
Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.
“It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy’s kitchen, (quite outside the natural laws of the universe).
Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling it a miracle.
All other explanations must be ruled out.
Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared ‘No Miracle’ because they think that murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!”
A very large gorilla
Two men were marooned on an Island
21.
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”
“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.
“Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?” I asked.
“No, I don’t waste time fishing,” the homeless man said.
“I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”
“Will you spend this on hunting equipment?” I asked.
“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man.
“I haven’t gone hunting in 20 years!”
“Well,” I said, “I’m not going to give you money Instead, I’m going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”
The homeless man was astounded.
“Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that?”
I replied, “Don’t worry about that It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting.”
The Sick Lion & The Fox
A elephant wandered into a forest
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”
“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.
“Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?” I asked.
“No, I don’t waste time fishing,” the homeless man said.
“I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”
“Will you spend this on hunting equipment?” I asked.
“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man.
“I haven’t gone hunting in 20 years!”
“Well,” I said, “I’m not going to give you money Instead, I’m going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”
The homeless man was astounded.
“Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that?”
I replied, “Don’t worry about that It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting.”
The Sick Lion & The Fox
A elephant wandered into a forest
22.
The doctor tells his patient: “Well I have good news and bad news…”
The patient says, “Lay it on me Doc. What’s the bad news?”
“You have Alzheimer’s disease.”
“Good heavens! What’s the good news?”
“You can go home and forget about it!”
A couple were making their first doctor visit
A man was pulled over for speeding down
The doctor tells his patient: “Well I have good news and bad news…”
The patient says, “Lay it on me Doc. What’s the bad news?”
“You have Alzheimer’s disease.”
“Good heavens! What’s the good news?”
“You can go home and forget about it!”
A couple were making their first doctor visit
A man was pulled over for speeding down
23.
A police car pulled up in front of grandma Bessie’s house, and grandpa got out.
The polite policeman explained that the elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn’t find his way home.
“Morris,” said grandma, “you’ve been going to that park for over 30 years, how come you get lost today?”
Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn’t hear, grandpa whispered,
“I wasn’t lost. I was just too tired to walk home.”
The court why you want a divorce
The husband called the wife on the phone
A police car pulled up in front of grandma Bessie’s house, and grandpa got out.
The polite policeman explained that the elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn’t find his way home.
“Morris,” said grandma, “you’ve been going to that park for over 30 years, how come you get lost today?”
Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn’t hear, grandpa whispered,
“I wasn’t lost. I was just too tired to walk home.”
The court why you want a divorce
The husband called the wife on the phone
24.
A man was annoyed when his wife told him that a car had backed into hers, damaging the front bumper, and that she hadn’t made a note of the licence plate number.
“What kind of car was he driving?” asked the husband.
“I don’t know,” she said.
“I can never tell one make of car from another.”
Hearing this, the husband decided it was time for her to learn and for the next few days, whenever they were out on the road, he made her name each car they passed until he was satisfied that she could identify every make.
It worked. A week later, she bounded in with a big grin on her face. “Darling,” she said. “I hit a Pontiac G8!”
The truck driver stopped
A Texan visitor to England asked
A man was annoyed when his wife told him that a car had backed into hers, damaging the front bumper, and that she hadn’t made a note of the licence plate number.
“What kind of car was he driving?” asked the husband.
“I don’t know,” she said.
“I can never tell one make of car from another.”
Hearing this, the husband decided it was time for her to learn and for the next few days, whenever they were out on the road, he made her name each car they passed until he was satisfied that she could identify every make.
It worked. A week later, she bounded in with a big grin on her face. “Darling,” she said. “I hit a Pontiac G8!”
The truck driver stopped
A Texan visitor to England asked
25.
A young couple moved into a new neighborhood.
The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside.
“That laundry is not very clean,” she said.
“She doesn’t know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.”
Her husband looked on, but remained silent.
Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.
About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband: “Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?”
The husband said, “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.”
A 15 year old Little Johnny comes home
A guy took his blonde girlfriend
A young couple moved into a new neighborhood.
The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside.
“That laundry is not very clean,” she said.
“She doesn’t know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.”
Her husband looked on, but remained silent.
Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.
About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband: “Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?”
The husband said, “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.”
A 15 year old Little Johnny comes home
A guy took his blonde girlfriend
26.
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him.
He’d never been to church in his life:
After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said.
“Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?”
Murphy said. “I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”
The priest said “Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?”
Murphy replied. “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat after all.”
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said.
“After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?”
Murphy slowly shook his head.
“No, Father, after ya talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ I remembered where I left me hat.”
A group of tourists was visiting a crocodile farm
Johnny is back at school after the holidays
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him.
He’d never been to church in his life:
After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said.
“Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?”
Murphy said. “I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”
The priest said “Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?”
Murphy replied. “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat after all.”
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said.
“After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?”
Murphy slowly shook his head.
“No, Father, after ya talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ I remembered where I left me hat.”
A group of tourists was visiting a crocodile farm
Johnny is back at school after the holidays
27.
Two Polish guys were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they’d never seen before. Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”
“Why not?”
“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”
Two man were sitting in a bar
A little guy gets on a plane
Two Polish guys were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they’d never seen before. Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”
“Why not?”
“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”
Two man were sitting in a bar
A little guy gets on a plane
28.
A young man went to his grandfather’s place to stay for the weekend.
He was sitting down to lunch when he noticed that the spoons and forks were encrusted in a thin filmy substance.
He asked his grandfather,
“Are you sure you washed it properly?”
“As clean as cold water can get it.” was the reply.
So the young man shrugged and started eating.
The next day at breakfast he noticed that the plates were dirty and grimy.
It also smelled a bit like dog.
“Are you sure you washed it properly?” He asked.
“Clean as cold water can get it.” was the reply again.
The man, a bit suspicious for his health, looked at his grandfather, than at his plate and started eating.
As he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog jumped out in front of him, growled and generally blocked him from going forward.
“Cold water, leave the poor boy alone!” shouted the old man from inside.
A man walks into a Bank gets in line
John bought his new colleague Peter home for dinner
A young man went to his grandfather’s place to stay for the weekend.
He was sitting down to lunch when he noticed that the spoons and forks were encrusted in a thin filmy substance.
He asked his grandfather,
“Are you sure you washed it properly?”
“As clean as cold water can get it.” was the reply.
So the young man shrugged and started eating.
The next day at breakfast he noticed that the plates were dirty and grimy.
It also smelled a bit like dog.
“Are you sure you washed it properly?” He asked.
“Clean as cold water can get it.” was the reply again.
The man, a bit suspicious for his health, looked at his grandfather, than at his plate and started eating.
As he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog jumped out in front of him, growled and generally blocked him from going forward.
“Cold water, leave the poor boy alone!” shouted the old man from inside.
A man walks into a Bank gets in line
John bought his new colleague Peter home for dinner
29.
An old man and a 20 year old are paired together at a golf tournament.
They’re playing a long par 5 that dog legs around some tall trees.
As the 20 year old sets up his tee shot to hit onto the fairway the old man notes
“when I was your age we used to hit over the trees not around to the side.”
So the 20 year old readjusts and tries to hit over the trees but can’t clear them and loses his ball.
He tries again and loses that one too.
Then the old man says “of course, when I was your age, the trees were only 6 foot tall.”
A truck driver was going down
A boss says to his secretary
An old man and a 20 year old are paired together at a golf tournament.
They’re playing a long par 5 that dog legs around some tall trees.
As the 20 year old sets up his tee shot to hit onto the fairway the old man notes
“when I was your age we used to hit over the trees not around to the side.”
So the 20 year old readjusts and tries to hit over the trees but can’t clear them and loses his ball.
He tries again and loses that one too.
Then the old man says “of course, when I was your age, the trees were only 6 foot tall.”
A truck driver was going down
A boss says to his secretary
30.
A man walked into a bar, he was crying profusely
“I need you to give me enough drinks to kill me” He said, sobbing to the bartender..
“My wife’s been sleeping with someone else.” He explained.
The bartender, in shock replied “I wont kill you.
If I were you, I’d kill the guy who make love my wife.”
“Fine.” The crying man replied. He returned a few hours later, and told the bartender
“Hey, now can you give me enough drinks to kill me?”
The bartender, confused, asked “And why would I do that?”
The once sobbing man, replied with a grin on his face “I make love your wife
A Husband was a bit embarrassed
A flat-chested young lady
A man walked into a bar, he was crying profusely
“I need you to give me enough drinks to kill me” He said, sobbing to the bartender..
“My wife’s been sleeping with someone else.” He explained.
The bartender, in shock replied “I wont kill you.
If I were you, I’d kill the guy who make love my wife.”
“Fine.” The crying man replied. He returned a few hours later, and told the bartender
“Hey, now can you give me enough drinks to kill me?”
The bartender, confused, asked “And why would I do that?”
The once sobbing man, replied with a grin on his face “I make love your wife
A Husband was a bit embarrassed
A flat-chested young lady
Tags:
eng jokes