1.
Edward was lying on his deathbed and the family was taking turns spending time with him.
As he was speaking to his young granddaughter Emily, Edward suddenly smelled an all too familiar smell.
Why it was his favorite – apple pie!
His wife Sandy must have been baking it for him to enjoy this one last time.
“Emily dear,” asked Edward.
“Would you please go ask Grandma for a slice of that Apple Pie? It’s smells so delicious!”
Emily ran off to fulfill her dying Grandfather’s last wish.
A moment later, Emily returned empty handed.
“Where’s my pie?” questioned Edward.
“Grandma said it’s not for now” responded Emily, “it’s for the funeral”.
A lady came in for a routine physical
A old man went to the Doctor
Edward was lying on his deathbed and the family was taking turns spending time with him.
As he was speaking to his young granddaughter Emily, Edward suddenly smelled an all too familiar smell.
Why it was his favorite – apple pie!
His wife Sandy must have been baking it for him to enjoy this one last time.
“Emily dear,” asked Edward.
“Would you please go ask Grandma for a slice of that Apple Pie? It’s smells so delicious!”
Emily ran off to fulfill her dying Grandfather’s last wish.
A moment later, Emily returned empty handed.
“Where’s my pie?” questioned Edward.
“Grandma said it’s not for now” responded Emily, “it’s for the funeral”.
A lady came in for a routine physical
A old man went to the Doctor
2.
A guy and a girl meet at a bar.
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, “You must be a dentist.”
The guy, surprised, says “Yes! How did you figure that out?”
“Easy,” she replied, “you keep washing your hands.”
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they have done, the girl says, “You must be a good dentist.”
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, “Sure, I’m a good dentist, How did you figure that out?”
“Didn’t feel a thing!”
A man came home from work one day
A lay woman was driving down
A guy and a girl meet at a bar.
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, “You must be a dentist.”
The guy, surprised, says “Yes! How did you figure that out?”
“Easy,” she replied, “you keep washing your hands.”
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they have done, the girl says, “You must be a good dentist.”
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, “Sure, I’m a good dentist, How did you figure that out?”
“Didn’t feel a thing!”
A man came home from work one day
A lay woman was driving down
3.
A farmer decided he wanted to go to town and see a movie.
As he approached, the ticket agent asked,
“Sir, what’s that on your shoulder?”
The old farmer said,
“That’s my pet rooster Chuck wherever I go, Chuck goes.”
“I’m sorry, sir.” Said the ticket agent.
“We can’t allow animals in the theater.”
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed Chuck down his overalls.
Then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theater.
He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.
The movie started and the rooster began to squirm.
The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie.
“Marge.” Whispered Mildred.
“What?” Said Marge.
“I think the guy next to me is a pervert.”
“What makes you think so?” Asked Marge.
“He undid his pants and he has his thing out.” Whispered Mildred.
“Eh, don’t worry about it.” Said Marge.
“At our age we’ve seen ’em all.”
“I thought so too,” said Mildred.
“But this one’s eating’ my popcorn.”
A 6 year-old boy was in the market
Mrs Murphy and Mrs Cohen
A farmer decided he wanted to go to town and see a movie.
As he approached, the ticket agent asked,
“Sir, what’s that on your shoulder?”
The old farmer said,
“That’s my pet rooster Chuck wherever I go, Chuck goes.”
“I’m sorry, sir.” Said the ticket agent.
“We can’t allow animals in the theater.”
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed Chuck down his overalls.
Then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theater.
He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.
The movie started and the rooster began to squirm.
The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie.
“Marge.” Whispered Mildred.
“What?” Said Marge.
“I think the guy next to me is a pervert.”
“What makes you think so?” Asked Marge.
“He undid his pants and he has his thing out.” Whispered Mildred.
“Eh, don’t worry about it.” Said Marge.
“At our age we’ve seen ’em all.”
“I thought so too,” said Mildred.
“But this one’s eating’ my popcorn.”
A 6 year-old boy was in the market
Mrs Murphy and Mrs Cohen
4.
There is a blonde, she wants to buy a microwave.
So she goes in and asks the sales clerk, “How much for that microwave?”
The salesclerk replies, “We don’t sell Microwaves to blondes.”
So the next day she dyes her hair red, and goes in and asks the same question.
The sales clerk answers, “we don’t sell microwaves to blondes.”
So the next day she dyes her hair brunette and goes and asks the same question.
The salesclerk replies the same way.
The blonde asks how he knows she is a blonde.
The clerk says, “That isn’t a microwave it’s a TV.”
A woman got on a bus holding a baby
A couple on their wedding night
There is a blonde, she wants to buy a microwave.
So she goes in and asks the sales clerk, “How much for that microwave?”
The salesclerk replies, “We don’t sell Microwaves to blondes.”
So the next day she dyes her hair red, and goes in and asks the same question.
The sales clerk answers, “we don’t sell microwaves to blondes.”
So the next day she dyes her hair brunette and goes and asks the same question.
The salesclerk replies the same way.
The blonde asks how he knows she is a blonde.
The clerk says, “That isn’t a microwave it’s a TV.”
A woman got on a bus holding a baby
A couple on their wedding night
5.
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the desk sergeant.
“No, no, no!” insisted the man.
“I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
A Father is asked by his friend
The teacher asks a question
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the desk sergeant.
“No, no, no!” insisted the man.
“I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
A Father is asked by his friend
The teacher asks a question
6.
One day two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14 came home with a 20 and 50 euro note.
Their mother asked them where they got all that money.
“Well, we were standing outside the night house when a guy left,” said the 12-year-old.
“We told him we knew where he had been, so he asked us not to reveal anything and gave us 20 euros.”
“Then we followed the man,” said the other boy, “and when he came to his house we told him that now we also knew where he lived. Then he gave us another 50 euros and begged us to keep quiet.”
“That’s a truly awful behavior,” the mother replied.
“You really should be ashamed of yourselves and feel sorry for the man. Off you go to confession.”
The boys did what they were told and went to church to confess to the priest.
After a while they came back with 100 euros because now they now knew where the man worked.
Little Jenny walked into the kitchen
A woman woke in the middle of the night
One day two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14 came home with a 20 and 50 euro note.
Their mother asked them where they got all that money.
“Well, we were standing outside the night house when a guy left,” said the 12-year-old.
“We told him we knew where he had been, so he asked us not to reveal anything and gave us 20 euros.”
“Then we followed the man,” said the other boy, “and when he came to his house we told him that now we also knew where he lived. Then he gave us another 50 euros and begged us to keep quiet.”
“That’s a truly awful behavior,” the mother replied.
“You really should be ashamed of yourselves and feel sorry for the man. Off you go to confession.”
The boys did what they were told and went to church to confess to the priest.
After a while they came back with 100 euros because now they now knew where the man worked.
Little Jenny walked into the kitchen
A woman woke in the middle of the night
7.
A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house.
He would come home from work, sit in front of the TV, eat dinner, and sit some more would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of.
This frustrated the woman quite a bit.
One day the toilet stopped up.
When her husband got home, she said sweetly, “Honey, the toilet is clogged.
Would you look at it?” Her husband snarled, “What do I look like?
The tidy bowl man?” and sat down on the sofa.
The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn’t work.
When her husband got home, she said, very nicely, “Honey, the disposal won’t work.
Would you try to fix it for me?”
Once again, he growled, “What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?”
The next day, the washing machine was on the blink.
When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, “Honey, the washer isn’t running.
Would you check on it?”
And again was met with a snarl, “What do I look like?
The Maytag repairman?
Finally, she had had enough.
The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer.
When her husband got home, she said,
“Honey, I had the repairmen out today.”
He frowned, “Well, how much is that going to cost?”
“Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having make love with them.”
“Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?” he asked.
She smiled. “What do I look like? Betty Crocker?”
Johnny decides to go home and try it
A teacher was asking her class
A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house.
He would come home from work, sit in front of the TV, eat dinner, and sit some more would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of.
This frustrated the woman quite a bit.
One day the toilet stopped up.
When her husband got home, she said sweetly, “Honey, the toilet is clogged.
Would you look at it?” Her husband snarled, “What do I look like?
The tidy bowl man?” and sat down on the sofa.
The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn’t work.
When her husband got home, she said, very nicely, “Honey, the disposal won’t work.
Would you try to fix it for me?”
Once again, he growled, “What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?”
The next day, the washing machine was on the blink.
When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, “Honey, the washer isn’t running.
Would you check on it?”
And again was met with a snarl, “What do I look like?
The Maytag repairman?
Finally, she had had enough.
The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer.
When her husband got home, she said,
“Honey, I had the repairmen out today.”
He frowned, “Well, how much is that going to cost?”
“Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having make love with them.”
“Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?” he asked.
She smiled. “What do I look like? Betty Crocker?”
Johnny decides to go home and try it
A teacher was asking her class
8.
The doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level.
He described a typical day this way: ‘Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.’
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, ‘You must be one hell of an outdoors man!
‘NAH,’ he replied, ‘I’m just a shitty golfer.’ about his daily activity level.
He described a typical day this way: ‘Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.’
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, ‘You must be one hell of an outdoors man!
‘NAH,’ he replied, ‘I’m just a shitty golfer.’
A elderly couple had been experiencing
A man and his son were walking together
The doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level.
He described a typical day this way: ‘Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.’
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, ‘You must be one hell of an outdoors man!
‘NAH,’ he replied, ‘I’m just a shitty golfer.’ about his daily activity level.
He described a typical day this way: ‘Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.’
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, ‘You must be one hell of an outdoors man!
‘NAH,’ he replied, ‘I’m just a shitty golfer.’
A elderly couple had been experiencing
A man and his son were walking together
9.
The pick-up couple was relaxing after a satisfying session of lovemaking
The guy considered himself lucky to have been able to attract and bed such a luscious looking dish.
He was even considering trying to establish a relationship instead of just a one-night stand.
But he couldn’t help but to think that he had met her before.
“I can’t help feeling that we’ve met before.” he said.
“Yeah, I know,” sighed the girl stretching.
“It happens to me a lot.
I think they call this ‘de ja mating.’
Jones who had been away on an extended trip
A blonde is pregnant
The pick-up couple was relaxing after a satisfying session of lovemaking
The guy considered himself lucky to have been able to attract and bed such a luscious looking dish.
He was even considering trying to establish a relationship instead of just a one-night stand.
But he couldn’t help but to think that he had met her before.
“I can’t help feeling that we’ve met before.” he said.
“Yeah, I know,” sighed the girl stretching.
“It happens to me a lot.
I think they call this ‘de ja mating.’
Jones who had been away on an extended trip
A blonde is pregnant
10.
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle, she was very attracted to him.
During her questions about his life, she asked him how he had make love.
“Tarzan not know make love,” he replied.
Jane explained to him what lovemaking was.
Tarzan said, “Oh… Tarzan use h*le in trunk of tree.”
Horrified, she said, “Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.”
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.
“Here” she said, “you must put it in here.”
Tarzan removed his loincloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood.
Tarzan stepped closer, and then gave her a mighty kick right in the privet part!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed: “What did you do that for?”
“Tarzan check for squirrel”
One day a little boy gets on a bus
A family is sitting around the supper table
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle, she was very attracted to him.
During her questions about his life, she asked him how he had make love.
“Tarzan not know make love,” he replied.
Jane explained to him what lovemaking was.
Tarzan said, “Oh… Tarzan use h*le in trunk of tree.”
Horrified, she said, “Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.”
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.
“Here” she said, “you must put it in here.”
Tarzan removed his loincloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood.
Tarzan stepped closer, and then gave her a mighty kick right in the privet part!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed: “What did you do that for?”
“Tarzan check for squirrel”
One day a little boy gets on a bus
A family is sitting around the supper table
11.
A drunk phoned the local police department to report that thieves had been in his car.
“They have stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator,” he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time, and the same voice came over the line.
“Never mind,” the drunk said with a hiccup.
“I got in the back seat by mistake.”
Sam was the owner of a worldwide
Jeff was fast asleep in his at bed
A drunk phoned the local police department to report that thieves had been in his car.
“They have stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator,” he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time, and the same voice came over the line.
“Never mind,” the drunk said with a hiccup.
“I got in the back seat by mistake.”
Sam was the owner of a worldwide
Jeff was fast asleep in his at bed
12.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down
Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car.
That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for.
There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth”.
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound”.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door”.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, and so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door”.
The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound but he can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.
A chemistry professor wanted to teach
A businessman was in big trouble
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down
Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car.
That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for.
There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth”.
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound”.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door”.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, and so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door”.
The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound but he can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.
A chemistry professor wanted to teach
A businessman was in big trouble
13.
A wise old man was sitting at the river bank.
He saw a cat that had fallen into the river struggling to save itself from drowning.
The man decided to save the cat.
He stretched out his hand towards the cat but the cat scratched him.
He pulled his hand back in pain.
However, a few minutes later he stretched out his hand again to save the cat, but it scratched him again, and again he pulled his hand back in pain.
A few minutes later he was again trying for the third time!
A man, who was nearby watching what was happening, yelled out,
“O wise man, you have not learned your lesson the first time, nor the second time, and now you are trying to save the cat a third time?”
The wise man paid no heed to that man’s scolding and kept on trying until he managed to save the cat.
He then walked over to the man and patted his shoulder saying:
“My son It is in the cat’s nature to scratch, and it is in my nature to love and have sympathy.”
Why do you want me to let the cat’s nature overcome mine?
“My son, treat people according to your nature, not according to theirs, no matter what they are like and no matter how numerous their actions that harm you and cause you pain sometimes.”
And do not pay heed to all the voices that loudly call out to you to leave behind your good qualities merely because the other party is not deserving of your noble actions.
So never regret the moments you gave happiness to someone, even if that person did not deserve it.
Jesus treats us according to His nature, just think where we would be if He were to treat us as per our nature.
That is why He saves us in spite of ourselves.
Old Aunt Cora went to her doctor
A man settles in his seat
A wise old man was sitting at the river bank.
He saw a cat that had fallen into the river struggling to save itself from drowning.
The man decided to save the cat.
He stretched out his hand towards the cat but the cat scratched him.
He pulled his hand back in pain.
However, a few minutes later he stretched out his hand again to save the cat, but it scratched him again, and again he pulled his hand back in pain.
A few minutes later he was again trying for the third time!
A man, who was nearby watching what was happening, yelled out,
“O wise man, you have not learned your lesson the first time, nor the second time, and now you are trying to save the cat a third time?”
The wise man paid no heed to that man’s scolding and kept on trying until he managed to save the cat.
He then walked over to the man and patted his shoulder saying:
“My son It is in the cat’s nature to scratch, and it is in my nature to love and have sympathy.”
Why do you want me to let the cat’s nature overcome mine?
“My son, treat people according to your nature, not according to theirs, no matter what they are like and no matter how numerous their actions that harm you and cause you pain sometimes.”
And do not pay heed to all the voices that loudly call out to you to leave behind your good qualities merely because the other party is not deserving of your noble actions.
So never regret the moments you gave happiness to someone, even if that person did not deserve it.
Jesus treats us according to His nature, just think where we would be if He were to treat us as per our nature.
That is why He saves us in spite of ourselves.
Old Aunt Cora went to her doctor
A man settles in his seat
14.
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy.
“She’s incredibly mixed up,” said one doctor.
“She does everything absolutely backwards.
Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours.
He damn near died on us.
The second doctor said, “That’s nothing.
Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours.
She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!”
Suddenly, they hear this bloodcurdling scream from down the hall.
“Omigod!” said the first doctor, “I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith’s boil!”
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding
Bill walks into a bar and finds his friend
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy.
“She’s incredibly mixed up,” said one doctor.
“She does everything absolutely backwards.
Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours.
He damn near died on us.
The second doctor said, “That’s nothing.
Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours.
She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!”
Suddenly, they hear this bloodcurdling scream from down the hall.
“Omigod!” said the first doctor, “I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith’s boil!”
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding
Bill walks into a bar and finds his friend
15.
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?”
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married.
One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have making love.”
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his tool in the mommy’s.
That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.
“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s tool in your mouth.
What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.
Three desperately ill men go to their doctor
One night a little girl walks
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?”
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married.
One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have making love.”
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his tool in the mommy’s.
That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.
“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s tool in your mouth.
What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.
Three desperately ill men go to their doctor
One night a little girl walks
16.
A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass, to which the husband answered, “What do I look like to you?
A landscaper?!”
Next time the sink was dripping, she asked him again, “Honey, can you fix the faucet?”
The husband replied, “What do I look like to you? A Plumber?!”
Two days later, a light bulb went out and she begged him again, “Honey, can you change the light bulb?”
His reply was, “What am I? An electrician?!”
A few days later, the husband comes home from work to find that the lawn is cut, the faucet is fixed, the light bulb is changed. Very surprised, he says, “Honey, what happened here?”
The wife replies, “You know our new next door neighbor? He came over and fixed everything.”
The husband says, “Honey, how did you pay him?!”
“Oh, you know,” the wife says, “he told me that I could either bake him a cake or have make love with him.”
Somewhat relieved the husband asks, “Whew, so what kind of a cake did you bake for him?”
The wife replies, “Who do you think I am? Betty C rocker?!”
A young man and woman got married
A mother comes home from work
A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass, to which the husband answered, “What do I look like to you?
A landscaper?!”
Next time the sink was dripping, she asked him again, “Honey, can you fix the faucet?”
The husband replied, “What do I look like to you? A Plumber?!”
Two days later, a light bulb went out and she begged him again, “Honey, can you change the light bulb?”
His reply was, “What am I? An electrician?!”
A few days later, the husband comes home from work to find that the lawn is cut, the faucet is fixed, the light bulb is changed. Very surprised, he says, “Honey, what happened here?”
The wife replies, “You know our new next door neighbor? He came over and fixed everything.”
The husband says, “Honey, how did you pay him?!”
“Oh, you know,” the wife says, “he told me that I could either bake him a cake or have make love with him.”
Somewhat relieved the husband asks, “Whew, so what kind of a cake did you bake for him?”
The wife replies, “Who do you think I am? Betty C rocker?!”
A young man and woman got married
A mother comes home from work
17.
Son: “Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!”
Father: “That’s great son. Who is she?”
Son: “It’s Sandra, the neighbor’s daughter”
Father: “Ohhh I wish you hadn’t said that. I have to tell you something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister.”
The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later.
Son: “Daddy, I fell in love again n she is even hotter!”
Father: “That’s great son. Who is she?”
Son: “It’s Angela, the other neighbor’s daughter.”
Father: “Ohhhh I wish you hadn’t said that.Angela is also your sister.”
This went on couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.
Son: “Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can’t date any of them because dad is their father!”
The mother hugs him affectionately and says: “My love, you can date whoever you want. Don’t listen to him He isn’t your father.”
One night little johnny wakes up
A man and his wife arrive from trip
Son: “Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!”
Father: “That’s great son. Who is she?”
Son: “It’s Sandra, the neighbor’s daughter”
Father: “Ohhh I wish you hadn’t said that. I have to tell you something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister.”
The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later.
Son: “Daddy, I fell in love again n she is even hotter!”
Father: “That’s great son. Who is she?”
Son: “It’s Angela, the other neighbor’s daughter.”
Father: “Ohhhh I wish you hadn’t said that.Angela is also your sister.”
This went on couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.
Son: “Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can’t date any of them because dad is their father!”
The mother hugs him affectionately and says: “My love, you can date whoever you want. Don’t listen to him He isn’t your father.”
One night little johnny wakes up
A man and his wife arrive from trip
18.
who after examining him says, “You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay.”
So the doctor gives the man the tablets and the patient asks, “Do I have to take them every day?”
“No,” replies the doctor, “take one on Monday, skip Tuesday, take one on Wednesday, skip Thursday and go on like that.”
Two weeks later the doctor is walking down the street, and he sees the patient’s wife.
“Hello Mrs Murphy,” he says, “how’s your husband?”
“Oh he died of a heart attack,” says Mrs Murphy.
“I’m very sorry to hear that,” says the doctor, “I thought if he took those tablets he would be all right.”
“Oh the tablets were fine,” says Mrs Murphy, “It was all the bloody skipping that killed him!”
Two men were sitting in a pub drinking
A old Italian man goes to church for confession
who after examining him says, “You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay.”
So the doctor gives the man the tablets and the patient asks, “Do I have to take them every day?”
“No,” replies the doctor, “take one on Monday, skip Tuesday, take one on Wednesday, skip Thursday and go on like that.”
Two weeks later the doctor is walking down the street, and he sees the patient’s wife.
“Hello Mrs Murphy,” he says, “how’s your husband?”
“Oh he died of a heart attack,” says Mrs Murphy.
“I’m very sorry to hear that,” says the doctor, “I thought if he took those tablets he would be all right.”
“Oh the tablets were fine,” says Mrs Murphy, “It was all the bloody skipping that killed him!”
Two men were sitting in a pub drinking
A old Italian man goes to church for confession
19.
A blonde and brunette are sitting next to each other on a plane.
After a few minutes the blonde looks up from the book she reading and asks, who needs a OK in beautiful?
The brunette looks up, puzzled, at the blonde and responds, other is no OK in beautiful?
After a few minutes of thinking the blonde looks back up at the brunette and asks, why is there no in beautiful?
Exasperated the brunette responds, WHO NEEDS A IN BEAUTIFUL?!
Hey wait a second, protested the blonde.
LET’S GIVE CREDIT WHERE CREDIT IS DUE!
Isn’t that the question I started off with?! who needs a in beautiful?
Two guys were playing golf
A man died and went up to heaven
A blonde and brunette are sitting next to each other on a plane.
After a few minutes the blonde looks up from the book she reading and asks, who needs a OK in beautiful?
The brunette looks up, puzzled, at the blonde and responds, other is no OK in beautiful?
After a few minutes of thinking the blonde looks back up at the brunette and asks, why is there no in beautiful?
Exasperated the brunette responds, WHO NEEDS A IN BEAUTIFUL?!
Hey wait a second, protested the blonde.
LET’S GIVE CREDIT WHERE CREDIT IS DUE!
Isn’t that the question I started off with?! who needs a in beautiful?
Two guys were playing golf
A man died and went up to heaven
20.
A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.
“What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?”
“Throw out an anchor, Sir.”
“What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?”
“Throw out another anchor, Sir.”
“And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?”
“Throw out another anchor.”
“Hold on,” said the Captain, “where are you getting all your anchors from?”
“From the same place you re getting your storms, sir.”
The teacher asked the class
Once there was a business executive
A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.
“What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?”
“Throw out an anchor, Sir.”
“What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?”
“Throw out another anchor, Sir.”
“And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?”
“Throw out another anchor.”
“Hold on,” said the Captain, “where are you getting all your anchors from?”
“From the same place you re getting your storms, sir.”
The teacher asked the class
Once there was a business executive
21.
A woman consulted a divorce attorney to discuss her marriage annulment on account of her husband’s irrational attitudes.
After being married to her husband for years, a woman decided to call it quits as she was fed up of enduring his constant make love demands.
The woman went to see a lawyer to assist with the procedure, as well as discuss the terms of the divorce.
After making her thoughts known to the divorce attorney, he questioned her saying: “Don’t you love him anymore?”
The wife replied, “Oh, I still love him, but all he ever wants is make love, I can’t take it anymore.”
The lawyer thought for a while and suggested to help save his client’s marriage.
He said, “Instead of divorcing him, why don’t you try charging him every time you want to make love?”
The woman thought the suggestion was a good idea and decided to give it a try, hopeful that there was a chance to still live happily with the love of her life.
She left the attorney’s office and headed home hurriedly, but immediately she stepped into her house, her husband made his make love advancements again.
She said, shoving him off in the process, “Not so fast! From now on, it’ll be $10 in the kitchen, $20 in the living room and $50 in the bedroom.”
Without further ado, the anxious husband pulled out a dollar bill and handed it to his wife.
He said, “Well then, here’s $50.”
The wife received the note and started making her way to the bedroom, but her husband stopped her in earnest, pulling her to him.
“Hold on. That would be five times in the kitchen.”
The Queen and Dolly Parton die
A drunken Irishman is driving through
A woman consulted a divorce attorney to discuss her marriage annulment on account of her husband’s irrational attitudes.
After being married to her husband for years, a woman decided to call it quits as she was fed up of enduring his constant make love demands.
The woman went to see a lawyer to assist with the procedure, as well as discuss the terms of the divorce.
After making her thoughts known to the divorce attorney, he questioned her saying: “Don’t you love him anymore?”
The wife replied, “Oh, I still love him, but all he ever wants is make love, I can’t take it anymore.”
The lawyer thought for a while and suggested to help save his client’s marriage.
He said, “Instead of divorcing him, why don’t you try charging him every time you want to make love?”
The woman thought the suggestion was a good idea and decided to give it a try, hopeful that there was a chance to still live happily with the love of her life.
She left the attorney’s office and headed home hurriedly, but immediately she stepped into her house, her husband made his make love advancements again.
She said, shoving him off in the process, “Not so fast! From now on, it’ll be $10 in the kitchen, $20 in the living room and $50 in the bedroom.”
Without further ado, the anxious husband pulled out a dollar bill and handed it to his wife.
He said, “Well then, here’s $50.”
The wife received the note and started making her way to the bedroom, but her husband stopped her in earnest, pulling her to him.
“Hold on. That would be five times in the kitchen.”
The Queen and Dolly Parton die
A drunken Irishman is driving through
22.
Johnny was at school and the teacher said, “Someone use fascinate in a sentence.”
Sally answered, “The zoo was fascinating.”
The teacher said, “Sorry, Sally, I said to use fascinate in a sentence.”
Maria suggested, “I was fascinated at the zoo.”
Once again the teacher said, “No, Maria, I specifically said to use fascinate in a sentence.”
Johnny said, “My sister has ten buttons on her sweater.”
Again the teacher said, “Sorry, Johnny, I said use fascinate in a sentence.”
Johnny replied, “I know, but her chest are so big she can only fasten eight.”
The defense lawyer asks Sam
Three bulls heard that the rancher
Johnny was at school and the teacher said, “Someone use fascinate in a sentence.”
Sally answered, “The zoo was fascinating.”
The teacher said, “Sorry, Sally, I said to use fascinate in a sentence.”
Maria suggested, “I was fascinated at the zoo.”
Once again the teacher said, “No, Maria, I specifically said to use fascinate in a sentence.”
Johnny said, “My sister has ten buttons on her sweater.”
Again the teacher said, “Sorry, Johnny, I said use fascinate in a sentence.”
Johnny replied, “I know, but her chest are so big she can only fasten eight.”
The defense lawyer asks Sam
Three bulls heard that the rancher
23.
A man wakes up from his operation and the doctor says ‘I have bad news and good news, what do you want to hear first?’
The man says ‘bad’ so the doctor says ‘during the surgery your girlfriend decided to leave a message that she’s leaving you for another man’ the man says ‘what’s the good then?’
And the doctor says ‘I’m picking her up at 7’
Two old farmers are talking
One day, Einstein has to speak
A man wakes up from his operation and the doctor says ‘I have bad news and good news, what do you want to hear first?’
The man says ‘bad’ so the doctor says ‘during the surgery your girlfriend decided to leave a message that she’s leaving you for another man’ the man says ‘what’s the good then?’
And the doctor says ‘I’m picking her up at 7’
Two old farmers are talking
One day, Einstein has to speak
24.
A man came home from work and settled down in his favorite chair in front of the TV and said to his wife “quick bring me a beer before it starts!”
She looks a little puzzled but brought him a beer When he finished it he said “Quick, bring me another beer it’s gonna start!”
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone he said “Quick! Get me another beer before it starts!”
“That’s it!” She blows her top “You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down,
don’t even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave getting you beer after beer!?
Don’t you realize I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long!?”
The husband sighed and said “oh shit, it’s started”
One day, a park ranger stopped by my house
An Irishman is out of work and decides to go
A man came home from work and settled down in his favorite chair in front of the TV and said to his wife “quick bring me a beer before it starts!”
She looks a little puzzled but brought him a beer When he finished it he said “Quick, bring me another beer it’s gonna start!”
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone he said “Quick! Get me another beer before it starts!”
“That’s it!” She blows her top “You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down,
don’t even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave getting you beer after beer!?
Don’t you realize I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long!?”
The husband sighed and said “oh shit, it’s started”
One day, a park ranger stopped by my house
An Irishman is out of work and decides to go
25.
Getting late for a meeting, need to run’, he said, as he slung his coat over the shoulder, and bounded out of the house.
As he drove away, she came running down the stairs two at a time.
‘Wait, wait’, she said, but he had already left.
Her mouth crumpled like used wrapping paper.
‘He forgot to give me a goodbye kiss’, she whispered in a voice that trembled under the weight of her hurt.
She called him, ‘you left without giving me a kiss’, she said accusingly.
‘I am sorry sweetheart’, he said, his voice contrite.
‘It is okay’, she said, trying to be all grown up as she cut the call.
She gulped down her breakfast morosely, wore her shoes, picked up her school bag and started to walk out of the door, her shoulders slumped.
As she climbed down the steps, the car glided to a stop outside the house.
He got out of the car she ran to him, her whole face lit up like a Christmas tree.
‘I am sorry I forgot’, he said, as he picked her up and hugged her.
She said nothing her jaw ached from smiling.
Fifteen years later, no one would remember he was late for a meeting, but a little girl would never ever forget that her father drove all the way back home just to kiss her goodbye!
Do not miss out on the precious moments, priceless life experiences of the time spent with your child.
Create beautiful life experiences you will make a world of difference in their lives.
They need your time and attention more than anything else give it to them.
Little Johnny was sitting in class
One day a farmer’s donkey fell down
Getting late for a meeting, need to run’, he said, as he slung his coat over the shoulder, and bounded out of the house.
As he drove away, she came running down the stairs two at a time.
‘Wait, wait’, she said, but he had already left.
Her mouth crumpled like used wrapping paper.
‘He forgot to give me a goodbye kiss’, she whispered in a voice that trembled under the weight of her hurt.
She called him, ‘you left without giving me a kiss’, she said accusingly.
‘I am sorry sweetheart’, he said, his voice contrite.
‘It is okay’, she said, trying to be all grown up as she cut the call.
She gulped down her breakfast morosely, wore her shoes, picked up her school bag and started to walk out of the door, her shoulders slumped.
As she climbed down the steps, the car glided to a stop outside the house.
He got out of the car she ran to him, her whole face lit up like a Christmas tree.
‘I am sorry I forgot’, he said, as he picked her up and hugged her.
She said nothing her jaw ached from smiling.
Fifteen years later, no one would remember he was late for a meeting, but a little girl would never ever forget that her father drove all the way back home just to kiss her goodbye!
Do not miss out on the precious moments, priceless life experiences of the time spent with your child.
Create beautiful life experiences you will make a world of difference in their lives.
They need your time and attention more than anything else give it to them.
Little Johnny was sitting in class
One day a farmer’s donkey fell down
26.
A statue of a Macho athlete was displayed in a Museum.
Husband and Wife came walking there appreciating and arguing everything they saw so far.
Husband would not let wife win the battles of wits.
So wife relaxed watching this n*de statue with just a couple of leaves to cover its privates, hoping husband goes to other displays.
The husband says, “Marvelous, but really darling there is not much to appreciate here.
What is it that you are waiting for?”
Wife says, “Dear, the season when the Leaves Fall.”
A woman goes to her doctor
Old Men Are Fast Thinkers Beware
A statue of a Macho athlete was displayed in a Museum.
Husband and Wife came walking there appreciating and arguing everything they saw so far.
Husband would not let wife win the battles of wits.
So wife relaxed watching this n*de statue with just a couple of leaves to cover its privates, hoping husband goes to other displays.
The husband says, “Marvelous, but really darling there is not much to appreciate here.
What is it that you are waiting for?”
Wife says, “Dear, the season when the Leaves Fall.”
A woman goes to her doctor
Old Men Are Fast Thinkers Beware
27.
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th-grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor,
So he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.
“Now, class. Observe closely the worms,” said the professor putting a worm first into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey.
It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a door nail.
“Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the professor asked.
Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded,
“Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms.”
She wanted to discuss
A Sales Associate at Walmart
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th-grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor,
So he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.
“Now, class. Observe closely the worms,” said the professor putting a worm first into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey.
It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a door nail.
“Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the professor asked.
Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded,
“Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms.”
She wanted to discuss
A Sales Associate at Walmart
28.
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”
The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?”
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”
The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.”
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
“You’re finished already?” he asked.
“Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.
“Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. ”
And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”
A teacher was asking her class
Two elderly ladies have been friends
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”
The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?”
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”
The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.”
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
“You’re finished already?” he asked.
“Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.
“Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. ”
And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”
A teacher was asking her class
Two elderly ladies have been friends
29.
Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing.
The first one to tee off is Moses.
He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green.
Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green.
Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard.
Jesus closes his eyes and prays.
The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the h*le.
The old man’s turn comes and he drives the ball.
The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water.
A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish.
As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish.
As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the h*le, making a h*le in one.
Jesus looks at Moses and says, “I really think I’m leaving Dad at home next time!”
God asks the nun
Do you need help, sir
Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing.
The first one to tee off is Moses.
He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green.
Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green.
Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard.
Jesus closes his eyes and prays.
The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the h*le.
The old man’s turn comes and he drives the ball.
The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water.
A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish.
As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish.
As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the h*le, making a h*le in one.
Jesus looks at Moses and says, “I really think I’m leaving Dad at home next time!”
God asks the nun
Do you need help, sir
30.
Little Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher.
“Johnny,” she said, “you shouldn’t use that kind of language. Where did you hear such talk, anyway?”
“My daddy said it,” he responded.
“Well, that doesn’t matter,” explained the teacher.
“You don’t even know what it means.”
“I do, too!” Little Johnny retorted.
“It means the car won’t start.”
Three nuns were talking
A guy walked into a doctor office
Little Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher.
“Johnny,” she said, “you shouldn’t use that kind of language. Where did you hear such talk, anyway?”
“My daddy said it,” he responded.
“Well, that doesn’t matter,” explained the teacher.
“You don’t even know what it means.”
“I do, too!” Little Johnny retorted.
“It means the car won’t start.”
Three nuns were talking
A guy walked into a doctor office
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