1.
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.
Someone had given me a little “tea set” as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of “tea”, which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea,…
because it was “just the cutest thing!”
My Mom waited, and sure enough, I walked down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watched him drink it up.
Then she says, (as only a mother would know… ?
“Did it ever occur to you that the only place that your daughter can reach to get water is the toilet?”
One afternoon a Lawyer was driving home
Innocent Babies Conversation
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.
Someone had given me a little “tea set” as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of “tea”, which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea,…
because it was “just the cutest thing!”
My Mom waited, and sure enough, I walked down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watched him drink it up.
Then she says, (as only a mother would know… ?
“Did it ever occur to you that the only place that your daughter can reach to get water is the toilet?”
One afternoon a Lawyer was driving home
Innocent Babies Conversation
2.
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar.
They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.
Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that’s so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.
After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow the man rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how was it?”
The woman says, “You can have any prize from the BOTTOM shelf.”
A Kurdish man goes to a store
Two guys walking through the woods
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar.
They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.
Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that’s so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.
After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow the man rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how was it?”
The woman says, “You can have any prize from the BOTTOM shelf.”
A Kurdish man goes to a store
Two guys walking through the woods
3.
The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills.
The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that.
But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal’s skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet h*le he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal.
The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on they blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.
After feeling it for a few moments, he announced “Bear.”
Then he felt the bullet h*le and declared, “Shot with a 308 rifle.” He was right.
They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk.
He took a bit longer this time and then said, “Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle.
He was right again.
Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks.
Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep.
The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.
He said to his wife, “I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it.
Where did I get this black-eye?”
His wife angrily replied, “I gave it to you got into bed and put your hand down my underwear.
Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, “Skunk, killed with an axe.”
Examination At School
He sadly packed his belongings into boxes
The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills.
The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that.
But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal’s skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet h*le he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal.
The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on they blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.
After feeling it for a few moments, he announced “Bear.”
Then he felt the bullet h*le and declared, “Shot with a 308 rifle.” He was right.
They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk.
He took a bit longer this time and then said, “Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle.
He was right again.
Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks.
Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep.
The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.
He said to his wife, “I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it.
Where did I get this black-eye?”
His wife angrily replied, “I gave it to you got into bed and put your hand down my underwear.
Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, “Skunk, killed with an axe.”
Examination At School
He sadly packed his belongings into boxes
4.
She was a friendly-looking young woman with a name tag that said Patricia Whack.
“I’m looking to take out a personal loan of $5000,” the frog said.
The loan officer stared at him skeptically. “Do you have anything to offer as collateral?”
The frog dug around in his pockets, and after a moment he produced a small, badly misshapen clay statue.
“What on Earth is that?” The loan officer asked.
“It’s just a trinket. I don’t have much to offer as collateral, I live in a swamp you see. But I swear I’m good for it!”
The loan officer crossed her arms. “Is it valuable? The bank is not a charity, sir!”
At this, the frog burst into tears. “Please! I’m desperate! My wife is pregnant with our 4000th-8000th kids, and things are tight! Can’t you help me???”
Hearing the commotion, the bank manager came over and asked what the trouble was.
The loan officer explained: “This frog wants a $5000 dollar loan, and all he’s offering for collateral is this little… thing. I don’t even know what this is supposed to be!”
The manager looked at the clay statue, threw his hands up and said,
“It’s a knock-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan, his old man’s a Rolling Stone!”
Big People Words
A big city lawyer went duck hunting
She was a friendly-looking young woman with a name tag that said Patricia Whack.
“I’m looking to take out a personal loan of $5000,” the frog said.
The loan officer stared at him skeptically. “Do you have anything to offer as collateral?”
The frog dug around in his pockets, and after a moment he produced a small, badly misshapen clay statue.
“What on Earth is that?” The loan officer asked.
“It’s just a trinket. I don’t have much to offer as collateral, I live in a swamp you see. But I swear I’m good for it!”
The loan officer crossed her arms. “Is it valuable? The bank is not a charity, sir!”
At this, the frog burst into tears. “Please! I’m desperate! My wife is pregnant with our 4000th-8000th kids, and things are tight! Can’t you help me???”
Hearing the commotion, the bank manager came over and asked what the trouble was.
The loan officer explained: “This frog wants a $5000 dollar loan, and all he’s offering for collateral is this little… thing. I don’t even know what this is supposed to be!”
The manager looked at the clay statue, threw his hands up and said,
“It’s a knock-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan, his old man’s a Rolling Stone!”
Big People Words
A big city lawyer went duck hunting
5.
A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water.
The bartender gave her the drink, and she said, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it’s today.”
The bartender said, “Well, since it’s your birthday, this one’s on me.”
As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, “I’d like to buy you a drink, too.”
The lady said, “Thank you, how sweet of you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of water.”
“Coming up,” said the bartender.
As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, “I’d like to buy you a drink too.”
The lady said, “Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I’ll have another Scotch, with two drops of water.”
“Coming right up,” the bartender said.
As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”
The old woman giggled, and replied, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue.”
Two little kids are in a hospital
A young boy says to his father
A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water.
The bartender gave her the drink, and she said, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it’s today.”
The bartender said, “Well, since it’s your birthday, this one’s on me.”
As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, “I’d like to buy you a drink, too.”
The lady said, “Thank you, how sweet of you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of water.”
“Coming up,” said the bartender.
As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, “I’d like to buy you a drink too.”
The lady said, “Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I’ll have another Scotch, with two drops of water.”
“Coming right up,” the bartender said.
As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”
The old woman giggled, and replied, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue.”
Two little kids are in a hospital
A young boy says to his father
6.
A boy is selling fish on a corner.
To get his customers’ attention, he is yelling, “Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!”
A pastor hears this and asks, “Why are you calling them ‘dam fish.'”
The boy responds, “Because I caught these fish at the local dam.”
The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish.
The wife responds surprised, “I didn’t know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way.”
He explains to her why they are dam fish.
Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish.
A group of soldiers stood in formation
John and Bob were discussing
A boy is selling fish on a corner.
To get his customers’ attention, he is yelling, “Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!”
A pastor hears this and asks, “Why are you calling them ‘dam fish.'”
The boy responds, “Because I caught these fish at the local dam.”
The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish.
The wife responds surprised, “I didn’t know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way.”
He explains to her why they are dam fish.
Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish.
A group of soldiers stood in formation
John and Bob were discussing
7.
A cab passenger taps the driver on his shoulder to ask a question.
Spooked, the driver lost control of the car and nearly hits several business stores in the quiet street.
Driver: Sir, you scared the crap out of me!
Passenger: I’m really sorry. I didn’t realize you scare easily.
Driver: I apologize as well. It’s not your fault.
I’ve been driving a funeral van for 25 years. I was late to realize I’m a cab driver now.
Mrs. Smith asked her students
She asks a man standing by
A cab passenger taps the driver on his shoulder to ask a question.
Spooked, the driver lost control of the car and nearly hits several business stores in the quiet street.
Driver: Sir, you scared the crap out of me!
Passenger: I’m really sorry. I didn’t realize you scare easily.
Driver: I apologize as well. It’s not your fault.
I’ve been driving a funeral van for 25 years. I was late to realize I’m a cab driver now.
Mrs. Smith asked her students
She asks a man standing by
8.
Three old men Bert, Arnie and Harry was sitting on a park bench debating what the meanest animal in the world was.
Bert said: “The meanest animal in the world is the hippopotamus because it’s got such huge jaws. One bite and you’re gone!”
Arnie shook his head and said: “No, the hippopotamus may be mean but he’s a private compared to an alligator.”
“An alligator’s got attitude, and one bite from those teeth, followed by the death roll, and you’re gone!”
Harry thought for a moment before saying: “As a matter of fact, you’re both wrong. The meanest animal in the world is a hippogator.”
Bert and Arnie laughed. “What the hell’s a hippogator?” they asked,
“There’s no such creature.”
“A hippogator”, explained Harry, “has got a hippo head on one end and an alligator head on the other.”
“Wait a minute!” interrupted Bert and Arnie.
“If he has a head-on both ends, how does he sh!t?”
“He doesn’t,” said Harry.
“That’s what makes him so mean.”
Three Old Men Were Sitting On A Park Bench.
A husband and wife were grocery shopping
One evening a man was watching TV
Three old men Bert, Arnie and Harry was sitting on a park bench debating what the meanest animal in the world was.
Bert said: “The meanest animal in the world is the hippopotamus because it’s got such huge jaws. One bite and you’re gone!”
Arnie shook his head and said: “No, the hippopotamus may be mean but he’s a private compared to an alligator.”
“An alligator’s got attitude, and one bite from those teeth, followed by the death roll, and you’re gone!”
Harry thought for a moment before saying: “As a matter of fact, you’re both wrong. The meanest animal in the world is a hippogator.”
Bert and Arnie laughed. “What the hell’s a hippogator?” they asked,
“There’s no such creature.”
“A hippogator”, explained Harry, “has got a hippo head on one end and an alligator head on the other.”
“Wait a minute!” interrupted Bert and Arnie.
“If he has a head-on both ends, how does he sh!t?”
“He doesn’t,” said Harry.
“That’s what makes him so mean.”
Three Old Men Were Sitting On A Park Bench.
A husband and wife were grocery shopping
One evening a man was watching TV
9.
Two lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners and shared everything,
including their hot-blooded secretary.
One day the secretary announced she was pregnant.
They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when the child was born and provide all expenses thereafter.
The day of delivery arrived.
Both the lawyers were at the hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room.
Finally one of them said,
“I can’t take this, I’m going down to sit in my car and wait there.
Please come down and tell me as soon as the child is born!”
The partner agreed to do that.
About an hour later the partner approached the car with a very grave look on his face.
“What happened?” asked the waiting car occupant.
The other partner announced,
“They were twins and mine died!”
Tax his land, tax his wage
A teacher told her young class
Two lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners and shared everything,
including their hot-blooded secretary.
One day the secretary announced she was pregnant.
They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when the child was born and provide all expenses thereafter.
The day of delivery arrived.
Both the lawyers were at the hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room.
Finally one of them said,
“I can’t take this, I’m going down to sit in my car and wait there.
Please come down and tell me as soon as the child is born!”
The partner agreed to do that.
About an hour later the partner approached the car with a very grave look on his face.
“What happened?” asked the waiting car occupant.
The other partner announced,
“They were twins and mine died!”
Tax his land, tax his wage
A teacher told her young class
10.
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap.
After she woke up, she told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day. What do you think it means?”
“You’ll know tonight”, he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it – only to find a book entitled “The meaning of dreams”.
A wife found her husband standing
The old man says to the woman
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap.
After she woke up, she told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day. What do you think it means?”
“You’ll know tonight”, he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it – only to find a book entitled “The meaning of dreams”.
A wife found her husband standing
The old man says to the woman
11.
At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying,
“I know the whole truth.”
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother.
He says, “I know the whole truth.”
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says,
“Just don’t tell your father.”
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.”
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.
The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your daddy a great big hug!”
He goes to the emergency room
A woman told to her husband
At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying,
“I know the whole truth.”
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother.
He says, “I know the whole truth.”
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says,
“Just don’t tell your father.”
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.”
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.
The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your daddy a great big hug!”
He goes to the emergency room
A woman told to her husband
12.
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer.
She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and Needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out.
The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.
The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?
“The blonde replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”
A blind man goes to a restaurant
Mr. Johnson boarded a plane
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer.
She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and Needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out.
The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.
The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?
“The blonde replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”
A blind man goes to a restaurant
Mr. Johnson boarded a plane
13.
My son’s teacher has been giving him poor marks for grammar.
At a parent-teacher conference, she was really lording it over me.
“You know, I consulted on the latest version of the Chicago Manual of Style.”
“Oh, wow, that’s—”
“And I have a Master’s from Cornell.”
“Yes, I saw the degree when I walked in, but my son really needs—”
“You don’t even have a degree! You think you know what your son needs?
You probably don’t even know parts of speech.
Tell me, OP, how do you feel about ‘pronouns’?”
“Well, I think they is great
On the outskirts of a small town
A man walks into a rooftop bar
My son’s teacher has been giving him poor marks for grammar.
At a parent-teacher conference, she was really lording it over me.
“You know, I consulted on the latest version of the Chicago Manual of Style.”
“Oh, wow, that’s—”
“And I have a Master’s from Cornell.”
“Yes, I saw the degree when I walked in, but my son really needs—”
“You don’t even have a degree! You think you know what your son needs?
You probably don’t even know parts of speech.
Tell me, OP, how do you feel about ‘pronouns’?”
“Well, I think they is great
On the outskirts of a small town
A man walks into a rooftop bar
14.
In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male.
These two statues faced each other for many years.
Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, “Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish.
I her by give you the gift of life you have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire.”
And with that command, the statues came to life, smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes.
The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.
Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, “You still have 15 minutes would you like to continue?”
The male statue looked at the female and asked, “Do you want to do it again?”
Smiling, the female statue said, “Sure but this time you hold the pigeon down and I’ll crap on its head.”
Two elderly ladies were enjoying
A tourist is picked up by a cab
In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male.
These two statues faced each other for many years.
Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, “Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish.
I her by give you the gift of life you have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire.”
And with that command, the statues came to life, smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes.
The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.
Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, “You still have 15 minutes would you like to continue?”
The male statue looked at the female and asked, “Do you want to do it again?”
Smiling, the female statue said, “Sure but this time you hold the pigeon down and I’ll crap on its head.”
Two elderly ladies were enjoying
A tourist is picked up by a cab
15.
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.
While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper,
“I’ll have a C monkey please.”
The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey.
He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, that’ll be $5000.”
The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said,
“That was a very expensive monkey. Why did it cost so much?”
The shopkeeper answered,
“Ah, that monkey can program in C very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.”
The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage.
“That one’s even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?”
“Oh, that one’s a C++ monkey; it can manage object – oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff,”
said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own.
The price tag around its neck read $50,000.
He gasped to the shopkeeper,
“That one costs more than all the other put together! What on earth does it do?”
The shopkeeper replied,
“Well, I haven’t actually seen it doing anything, but the other monkeys call him the project manager.”
A very self-important college freshman
Before & After Marriage
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.
While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper,
“I’ll have a C monkey please.”
The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey.
He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, that’ll be $5000.”
The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said,
“That was a very expensive monkey. Why did it cost so much?”
The shopkeeper answered,
“Ah, that monkey can program in C very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.”
The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage.
“That one’s even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?”
“Oh, that one’s a C++ monkey; it can manage object – oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff,”
said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own.
The price tag around its neck read $50,000.
He gasped to the shopkeeper,
“That one costs more than all the other put together! What on earth does it do?”
The shopkeeper replied,
“Well, I haven’t actually seen it doing anything, but the other monkeys call him the project manager.”
A very self-important college freshman
Before & After Marriage
16.
A blonde woman decides that she is sick and tired of all the blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.
He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is OK.
She replies yes.
He asks what she is doing.
She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, “For best results, put on two coats.”
A man walked into a cowboy bar
A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads
A blonde woman decides that she is sick and tired of all the blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.
He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is OK.
She replies yes.
He asks what she is doing.
She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, “For best results, put on two coats.”
A man walked into a cowboy bar
A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads
17.
A man went to his lawyer and told him, “My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn’t want to pay up what should I do?”
“Do you have any proof?” asked the lawyer.
“Nope,” replied the man.
“Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owed you,” said the lawyer.
“But it’s only $500,” replied the man.
“Precisely that’s what he will reply and we will have the proof we need to nail him.”
A older gentleman was on operating table
He starts dialing numbers on his hand
A man went to his lawyer and told him, “My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn’t want to pay up what should I do?”
“Do you have any proof?” asked the lawyer.
“Nope,” replied the man.
“Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owed you,” said the lawyer.
“But it’s only $500,” replied the man.
“Precisely that’s what he will reply and we will have the proof we need to nail him.”
A older gentleman was on operating table
He starts dialing numbers on his hand
18.
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas.
The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and they both had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said “Where are you, you know we have lots to do.”
He said “You remember the jewelry store we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?”
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up…
“Yes, I do remember that shop,” she replied.
“Well… I am in the gun shop next door to that.”
A couple made a deal
Johnny and his wife had their first fight
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas.
The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and they both had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said “Where are you, you know we have lots to do.”
He said “You remember the jewelry store we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?”
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up…
“Yes, I do remember that shop,” she replied.
“Well… I am in the gun shop next door to that.”
A couple made a deal
Johnny and his wife had their first fight
19.
Little Johnny is in a class where every Friday the teacher asks a question and if you get it right you don’t have to go to school on Monday.
The first Friday the question was, “How many gallons of water is there in the whole world.”
No one knew so they all had to go to school on Monday.
Next Friday, the question was, “How many grains of sand is there in the whole world.”
No one knew so they had to go to school on Monday.
By this time Little Johnny is getting mad because he doesn’t want to go to school on Monday.
So he paints two ping-pong balls black and the next Friday right before the teacher asked the question he rolled the ping-pong balls up to her.
She asked, “Alright, who’s the comedian with the black balls?”
Johnny said, “Eddie Murphy, see you Tuesday.”
A man went to the police station
A priest was hiking in the woods
Little Johnny is in a class where every Friday the teacher asks a question and if you get it right you don’t have to go to school on Monday.
The first Friday the question was, “How many gallons of water is there in the whole world.”
No one knew so they all had to go to school on Monday.
Next Friday, the question was, “How many grains of sand is there in the whole world.”
No one knew so they had to go to school on Monday.
By this time Little Johnny is getting mad because he doesn’t want to go to school on Monday.
So he paints two ping-pong balls black and the next Friday right before the teacher asked the question he rolled the ping-pong balls up to her.
She asked, “Alright, who’s the comedian with the black balls?”
Johnny said, “Eddie Murphy, see you Tuesday.”
A man went to the police station
A priest was hiking in the woods
20.
Four strangers traveled together in the same compartment of a European train.
Two men and two women faced each other.
One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 75-year-old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry.
Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen years old, who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine.
Across from the older lady was a man in his late-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army.
And next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.
As these four strangers traveled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.
In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.
The older lady was thinking, “Isn’t it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?”
The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, “Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I’m sitting here?”
The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.
And the private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, “What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!”
A beautiful woman goes to a gynecologist
A lawyer is talking to his client
Four strangers traveled together in the same compartment of a European train.
Two men and two women faced each other.
One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 75-year-old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry.
Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen years old, who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine.
Across from the older lady was a man in his late-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army.
And next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.
As these four strangers traveled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.
In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.
The older lady was thinking, “Isn’t it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?”
The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, “Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I’m sitting here?”
The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.
And the private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, “What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!”
A beautiful woman goes to a gynecologist
A lawyer is talking to his client
21.
A man stopped at a flower shop to order some flowers to be wired to his mother who lived two hundred miles away.
As he got out of his car he noticed a young girl sitting on the curb sobbing.
He asked her what was wrong and she replied,
“I wanted to buy a red rose for my mother but I only have seventy-five cents, and a rose costs two dollars.”
The man smiled and said, “Come on in with me, I’ll buy you a rose.”
He bought the little girl her rose and ordered his own mother’s flowers.
As they were leaving he offered the girl a ride home.
She said, “Yes, please! You can take me to my mother.”
She directed him to a cemetery, where she placed the rose on a freshly dug grave.
The man returned to the flower shop, canceled the wire order, picked up a bouquet and drove the two hundred miles to his mother’s house.
Your presence makes the heart of your mother rejoice.
Translating Monk Texts
The little old woman
A man stopped at a flower shop to order some flowers to be wired to his mother who lived two hundred miles away.
As he got out of his car he noticed a young girl sitting on the curb sobbing.
He asked her what was wrong and she replied,
“I wanted to buy a red rose for my mother but I only have seventy-five cents, and a rose costs two dollars.”
The man smiled and said, “Come on in with me, I’ll buy you a rose.”
He bought the little girl her rose and ordered his own mother’s flowers.
As they were leaving he offered the girl a ride home.
She said, “Yes, please! You can take me to my mother.”
She directed him to a cemetery, where she placed the rose on a freshly dug grave.
The man returned to the flower shop, canceled the wire order, picked up a bouquet and drove the two hundred miles to his mother’s house.
Your presence makes the heart of your mother rejoice.
Translating Monk Texts
The little old woman
22.
A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The guy says, “Who is this?”
“This is the maid,” answers the woman.
“We don’t have a maid,” says the man.
The woman says,
“I was hired this morning by the woman of the house.”
The man says,
“Well, this is her husband. Is she there?”
The woman replies,…
“She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.”
The guy is fuming and says to the maid,
“Listen, would you like to make $10,000?”
The maid asks,…
“What will I have to do?”
The man tells her,
“I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the Bitch and the jerk she’s with.”
The maid puts the phone down;
the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.
The maid comes back to the phone,
“What do I do with the bodies?”
The man says,
“Throw them in the swimming pool.”
Puzzled, the maid answers,
“But you don’t have a pool.”
A long pause and the man asks,
“Oops..! Is this 2261-1382?”
A young lawyer was defending a wealthy businessman
A rich cheapskate hires a local handyman
A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The guy says, “Who is this?”
“This is the maid,” answers the woman.
“We don’t have a maid,” says the man.
The woman says,
“I was hired this morning by the woman of the house.”
The man says,
“Well, this is her husband. Is she there?”
The woman replies,…
“She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.”
The guy is fuming and says to the maid,
“Listen, would you like to make $10,000?”
The maid asks,…
“What will I have to do?”
The man tells her,
“I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the Bitch and the jerk she’s with.”
The maid puts the phone down;
the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.
The maid comes back to the phone,
“What do I do with the bodies?”
The man says,
“Throw them in the swimming pool.”
Puzzled, the maid answers,
“But you don’t have a pool.”
A long pause and the man asks,
“Oops..! Is this 2261-1382?”
A young lawyer was defending a wealthy businessman
A rich cheapskate hires a local handyman
23.
A busty blonde woman walks into a New York bank and goes straight up to the counter.
“Hello,” the man behind the counter says to the woman. “How can I help you today?”
The blonde has to think for a moment and finally says, “I need a loan of two-hundred and fifty dollars.”
The bank teller responds, “That’s not a problem, miss. We’ll need you to put something up as collateral.”
The blonde takes another moment to think and says, “I have a car. I’ll put that up!”
The bank teller pulls out a form and asks the blonde, “That would work. What kind of car is it?”
The blonde hands the teller her keys and answers, “it’s a bright orange Lamborghini. It’s parked right outside.”
The blonde leaves as the teller finishes the form, dumbfounded by the transaction.
A week later, the blonde returns.
She has the loan and all of the interest that gathered over the last week.
She walks up to the same teller and hands him the money.
He then returns her keys.
As the blonde is leaving, the teller can’t fight the urge to ask any longer.
“Excuse, miss. I just have one question. Why did you put this four-hundred thousand car up as collateral for such a small amount of money?”
The blonde turns and replies, “Where else in New York City and I supposed to find parking for a week for as little as two-hundred and fifty dollars?”
A young lady is buying a box
A young man was watching the news
A busty blonde woman walks into a New York bank and goes straight up to the counter.
“Hello,” the man behind the counter says to the woman. “How can I help you today?”
The blonde has to think for a moment and finally says, “I need a loan of two-hundred and fifty dollars.”
The bank teller responds, “That’s not a problem, miss. We’ll need you to put something up as collateral.”
The blonde takes another moment to think and says, “I have a car. I’ll put that up!”
The bank teller pulls out a form and asks the blonde, “That would work. What kind of car is it?”
The blonde hands the teller her keys and answers, “it’s a bright orange Lamborghini. It’s parked right outside.”
The blonde leaves as the teller finishes the form, dumbfounded by the transaction.
A week later, the blonde returns.
She has the loan and all of the interest that gathered over the last week.
She walks up to the same teller and hands him the money.
He then returns her keys.
As the blonde is leaving, the teller can’t fight the urge to ask any longer.
“Excuse, miss. I just have one question. Why did you put this four-hundred thousand car up as collateral for such a small amount of money?”
The blonde turns and replies, “Where else in New York City and I supposed to find parking for a week for as little as two-hundred and fifty dollars?”
A young lady is buying a box
A young man was watching the news
24.
Bobby was sitting on the porch talking to his Grandpa when he innocently asked, “Grandpa, do you know how to make animal sounds?”
“I sure do” Grandpa replied.
“What sort of animal sound would you like to hear?”
“How about a toad? Do you know how to sound like a toad?”
“Sure”, said Grandpa, cupping his hand to his mouth, “croaaak croaaak, how did you like that?!”
“Yipee!” screamed Bobby jumping up and down, “We are going to Miami!”
“Huh?” Questioned Grandpa.
“Why’s that?” “Because Grandma said so,” Bobby patiently explained, “she said that after you croak we’ll all go to Miami!”
Bob asks his mom
A man and his wife were going
Bobby was sitting on the porch talking to his Grandpa when he innocently asked, “Grandpa, do you know how to make animal sounds?”
“I sure do” Grandpa replied.
“What sort of animal sound would you like to hear?”
“How about a toad? Do you know how to sound like a toad?”
“Sure”, said Grandpa, cupping his hand to his mouth, “croaaak croaaak, how did you like that?!”
“Yipee!” screamed Bobby jumping up and down, “We are going to Miami!”
“Huh?” Questioned Grandpa.
“Why’s that?” “Because Grandma said so,” Bobby patiently explained, “she said that after you croak we’ll all go to Miami!”
Bob asks his mom
A man and his wife were going
25.
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guy a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.
“This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The first guy answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!”
The policeman says, “Well… uh… that’s because the picture I showed is his side profile.”
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The second guy smiles and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!”
The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it’s a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks,
“This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
He quickly adds, “Think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”
The guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “The suspect wears contact lenses.”
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
“Well, that’s an interesting answer wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.”
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
“Wow! I can’t believe it. It’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”
“That’s easy,” the guy replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”
A motorcycle police officer
A man had a parrot of which
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guy a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.
“This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The first guy answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!”
The policeman says, “Well… uh… that’s because the picture I showed is his side profile.”
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The second guy smiles and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!”
The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it’s a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks,
“This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
He quickly adds, “Think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”
The guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “The suspect wears contact lenses.”
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
“Well, that’s an interesting answer wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.”
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
“Wow! I can’t believe it. It’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”
“That’s easy,” the guy replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”
A motorcycle police officer
A man had a parrot of which
26.
It’s demob time in the army, and as things have gone so well there’s a new wheeze.
“Every retiring soldier is entitled to a bonus,” says the captain.
“You’ll be awarded £10 for every centimeter measured between the two body parts of your choice.
Private, you’re first.”
“I’ll have it measured from my feet to the top of my head,” he says.
Out comes the tape, and it comes to 175cm, so he leaves £1750 richer.
“Corporal?”
The corporal’s a lanky guy, so he chooses to be measured from the tip of one outstretched hand to the other.
A few minutes later he’s £1830 to the good.
“Right, sergeant, you’re the last.”
“I’ll take it as the distance from my left eye to my right eye.”
“You sure?”
“Absolutely.”
He takes off his sunglasses and the captain steps up.
“Hang on, sergeant, where’s your right eye?”
“I left it at the battle of Jebel,” the sergeant says.
“I’ll take a cheque.”
Jones came into the office an hour late
Four nuns were attending a baseball game
It’s demob time in the army, and as things have gone so well there’s a new wheeze.
“Every retiring soldier is entitled to a bonus,” says the captain.
“You’ll be awarded £10 for every centimeter measured between the two body parts of your choice.
Private, you’re first.”
“I’ll have it measured from my feet to the top of my head,” he says.
Out comes the tape, and it comes to 175cm, so he leaves £1750 richer.
“Corporal?”
The corporal’s a lanky guy, so he chooses to be measured from the tip of one outstretched hand to the other.
A few minutes later he’s £1830 to the good.
“Right, sergeant, you’re the last.”
“I’ll take it as the distance from my left eye to my right eye.”
“You sure?”
“Absolutely.”
He takes off his sunglasses and the captain steps up.
“Hang on, sergeant, where’s your right eye?”
“I left it at the battle of Jebel,” the sergeant says.
“I’ll take a cheque.”
Jones came into the office an hour late
Four nuns were attending a baseball game
27.
Three men are walking in a desert when they stumble across a wizard next to a magical slide
‘Slide down this ride shout out the name of your favorite drink’ the wizard commands
The three men question his logic but never the less the first man climbs to the top of the slide and begins to slide down
‘Coke’ the man shouts and to his amazement he winds up in a pool of coke
The second man is already at the top as he slides down he yells ‘Fanta’ and he too ends up in a pool of his favorite beverage.
The last man is up at the top of the slide is is a lot dumber then his comrades and is known for being idiotic sooooo when he is sliding down forgetting about what he is doing and enjoying himself he screams ‘weeeeeeeeeee’
Splash!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well I don’t know what you were expecting
A husband and wife were out playing golf
After intense partying with their friends
Three men are walking in a desert when they stumble across a wizard next to a magical slide
‘Slide down this ride shout out the name of your favorite drink’ the wizard commands
The three men question his logic but never the less the first man climbs to the top of the slide and begins to slide down
‘Coke’ the man shouts and to his amazement he winds up in a pool of coke
The second man is already at the top as he slides down he yells ‘Fanta’ and he too ends up in a pool of his favorite beverage.
The last man is up at the top of the slide is is a lot dumber then his comrades and is known for being idiotic sooooo when he is sliding down forgetting about what he is doing and enjoying himself he screams ‘weeeeeeeeeee’
Splash!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well I don’t know what you were expecting
A husband and wife were out playing golf
After intense partying with their friends
28.
Grandpa and grandma were watching the television evangelical show and the preacher said, if the viewers at home wanted to be healed, place one hand on the television set and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, “I guess you just don’t get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead.”
A male patient was lying in bed
Three old men are discussing
Grandpa and grandma were watching the television evangelical show and the preacher said, if the viewers at home wanted to be healed, place one hand on the television set and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, “I guess you just don’t get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead.”
A male patient was lying in bed
Three old men are discussing
29.
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around.
Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
“Pardon me,” she said, “I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable It’s just that you look just like my son who just died recently.”
“I’m very sorry,” replied the young man, “Is there anything I can do for you?”
“Yes,” she said.
“As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Goodbye mother’? It would make me feel much better.”
“Sure,” answered the young man as the old woman was leaving, he called out, “Goodbye mother!”
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50
“How can that be?” he asked, “I only purchased a few things!”
“Your mother said that you would pay for her,” said the clerk.
A man went to a gift store
A security guard has a dream
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around.
Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
“Pardon me,” she said, “I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable It’s just that you look just like my son who just died recently.”
“I’m very sorry,” replied the young man, “Is there anything I can do for you?”
“Yes,” she said.
“As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Goodbye mother’? It would make me feel much better.”
“Sure,” answered the young man as the old woman was leaving, he called out, “Goodbye mother!”
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50
“How can that be?” he asked, “I only purchased a few things!”
“Your mother said that you would pay for her,” said the clerk.
A man went to a gift store
A security guard has a dream
30.
The old Josh was sat in his garden, sunbathing in the deck chair when he noticed his grand-son kneeling on the lawn with a worm.
When he asked his grandson what he was doing, he found that he was trying to push the worm down the hole from which it came.
“If you can get that worm back in that hole I’ll give you ten dollars,” said Josh.
His grandson sat and thought for a moment, then rushed into the house.
A few minutes later he returned with his mother’s hair spray.
He picked up the worm by one end and, as he let it hang down, he sprayed it all over with the hair spray.
The spray set and the worm became stiff and hard.
It was now easy to push the worm back in the hole.
Josh was amazed.
He gave the boy ten dollars, picked up the hair spray and went indoors.
About an hour later Josh came back into the garden and gave his grand-son another ten dollars.
“But grandpa,” said the boy, “you’ve already given me the ten dollars you promised.”
“That’s from your grandma,” said Josh.
A woman announces to her friend
A old man ordered one hamburger
The old Josh was sat in his garden, sunbathing in the deck chair when he noticed his grand-son kneeling on the lawn with a worm.
When he asked his grandson what he was doing, he found that he was trying to push the worm down the hole from which it came.
“If you can get that worm back in that hole I’ll give you ten dollars,” said Josh.
His grandson sat and thought for a moment, then rushed into the house.
A few minutes later he returned with his mother’s hair spray.
He picked up the worm by one end and, as he let it hang down, he sprayed it all over with the hair spray.
The spray set and the worm became stiff and hard.
It was now easy to push the worm back in the hole.
Josh was amazed.
He gave the boy ten dollars, picked up the hair spray and went indoors.
About an hour later Josh came back into the garden and gave his grand-son another ten dollars.
“But grandpa,” said the boy, “you’ve already given me the ten dollars you promised.”
“That’s from your grandma,” said Josh.
A woman announces to her friend
A old man ordered one hamburger
Tags:
eng jokes