1.
A homeless man decides to rob a Russian restaurant.
Since it was so early, the only one that was working at that time was the scrawny waitor as the chef/boss had gone to run a quick errand.
The homeless man, only waving his fists, threatened the waitor to give him his best food or “he would be in a world of hurt”.
Even though the waitor was as skinny as a rail, he decided to take on the homeless man.
Unsurprisingly the homeless man quickly beat him up and ran to the kitchen.
Before the waitor could get back up, the man had already taken off with a big pot of food.
Later as the boss returns to the kitchen, he sees that something is missing.
He goes out to the waitor and yells; “Where is the Goulash”.
He then notices that the waitor is pretty beat up and then proceeds to asks,
“WTF happened to you and why is our best selling dish gone”?
The waitor spills it all; “A homeless man came in, beat me up and stole the Goulash, if only it was stroganoff”
Rubbing a toilet paper
A famous scientist was on his way
A homeless man decides to rob a Russian restaurant.
Since it was so early, the only one that was working at that time was the scrawny waitor as the chef/boss had gone to run a quick errand.
The homeless man, only waving his fists, threatened the waitor to give him his best food or “he would be in a world of hurt”.
Even though the waitor was as skinny as a rail, he decided to take on the homeless man.
Unsurprisingly the homeless man quickly beat him up and ran to the kitchen.
Before the waitor could get back up, the man had already taken off with a big pot of food.
Later as the boss returns to the kitchen, he sees that something is missing.
He goes out to the waitor and yells; “Where is the Goulash”.
He then notices that the waitor is pretty beat up and then proceeds to asks,
“WTF happened to you and why is our best selling dish gone”?
The waitor spills it all; “A homeless man came in, beat me up and stole the Goulash, if only it was stroganoff”
Rubbing a toilet paper
A famous scientist was on his way
2.
One day a 12-year-old girl was walking down the street, when a car pulled up beside her and the driver lowered a window.
“I’ll give you a large bag of M&Ms if you get in the car,” said the driver.
“No way! Get lost!” replied the girl.
“How about a bag of M&Ms and 10 dollars?” the driver asked.
“I said no way,” replied the girl.
“What about a bag of M&Ms and 50 dollars?” asked the driver.
“No, I’m not getting in the car,” answered the girl.
“Okay, I’ll give you a bag of M&Ms and 100 dollars,” the driver offered.
“No!” replied the girl.
“What will it take to get you in the car?” asked the driver.
The girl replied, “Listen, Dad: You bought the Volvo – you live with it!”
My son starts school today
Daddy got so few hairs on his head
One day a 12-year-old girl was walking down the street, when a car pulled up beside her and the driver lowered a window.
“I’ll give you a large bag of M&Ms if you get in the car,” said the driver.
“No way! Get lost!” replied the girl.
“How about a bag of M&Ms and 10 dollars?” the driver asked.
“I said no way,” replied the girl.
“What about a bag of M&Ms and 50 dollars?” asked the driver.
“No, I’m not getting in the car,” answered the girl.
“Okay, I’ll give you a bag of M&Ms and 100 dollars,” the driver offered.
“No!” replied the girl.
“What will it take to get you in the car?” asked the driver.
The girl replied, “Listen, Dad: You bought the Volvo – you live with it!”
My son starts school today
Daddy got so few hairs on his head
3.
A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later: “Da-ad…” “What?”
“I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?”
“No. You had your chance. Lights out.”
“Five minutes later: “Da-aaaad…”
“WHAT?”
“I’m THIRSTY…Can I have a drink of water??”
“I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!!”
“Five minutes later…
“Daaaa-aaaad…”
“WHAT??!!”
“When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?”
A man walks into a store
A man had been drinking at the bar
A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later: “Da-ad…” “What?”
“I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?”
“No. You had your chance. Lights out.”
“Five minutes later: “Da-aaaad…”
“WHAT?”
“I’m THIRSTY…Can I have a drink of water??”
“I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!!”
“Five minutes later…
“Daaaa-aaaad…”
“WHAT??!!”
“When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?”
A man walks into a store
A man had been drinking at the bar
4.
Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip, when the came upon this great trout brook.
They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing, which was super.
At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they vowed that they would meet, in twenty years, at the same place and renew the experience.
Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near where they had been years before.
They walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook.
One of the men said to the other, “This is the place!”.
The other replied, “No, it’s not!”.
The first man said, “Yes, I do recognize the clover growing on the bank on the other side.
To which the other man replied, “Silly, you can’t tell a brook by it’s clover.”
A woman said to her friend
A man and his dog walk into a bar
Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip, when the came upon this great trout brook.
They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing, which was super.
At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they vowed that they would meet, in twenty years, at the same place and renew the experience.
Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near where they had been years before.
They walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook.
One of the men said to the other, “This is the place!”.
The other replied, “No, it’s not!”.
The first man said, “Yes, I do recognize the clover growing on the bank on the other side.
To which the other man replied, “Silly, you can’t tell a brook by it’s clover.”
A woman said to her friend
A man and his dog walk into a bar
5.
An Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.
“Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm”?
“Because he was conceived during a mighty storm”, she said.
Then he asked “Why is my sister named Cornflower”?
“Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her”, she replied.
He then asked “And why is my other sister called Moon child”?
“We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived”, the mother replies.
The mother paused and said to her son… “Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?”
A man and a woman were fast asleep in bed
A elderly couple were having an elegant dinner
An Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.
“Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm”?
“Because he was conceived during a mighty storm”, she said.
Then he asked “Why is my sister named Cornflower”?
“Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her”, she replied.
He then asked “And why is my other sister called Moon child”?
“We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived”, the mother replies.
The mother paused and said to her son… “Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?”
A man and a woman were fast asleep in bed
A elderly couple were having an elegant dinner
6.
A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun.
Enamored with her, he asks if he can have make love with her.
Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus.
The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have make love with the nun.
“Well,” says the bus driver, “every night at 8 o’clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray.
If you dress up as God, I’m sure you could convince her to have make love with you.”
The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume.
At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.
“Oh, God!” she exclaims.
“Take me with you!”
The man tells the nun that she must first have make love with him to prove her loyalty.
The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal lovemaking.
Before you know it, they’re getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud make love.
After it’s over, the man pulls off his God disguise.
“Ha, ha!” he says, “I’m the man from the bus!”
“Ha, ha!” says the nun, removing her costume, “I’m the bus driver!”
A old man goes to a church
The teacher asked her a question
A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun.
Enamored with her, he asks if he can have make love with her.
Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus.
The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have make love with the nun.
“Well,” says the bus driver, “every night at 8 o’clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray.
If you dress up as God, I’m sure you could convince her to have make love with you.”
The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume.
At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.
“Oh, God!” she exclaims.
“Take me with you!”
The man tells the nun that she must first have make love with him to prove her loyalty.
The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal lovemaking.
Before you know it, they’re getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud make love.
After it’s over, the man pulls off his God disguise.
“Ha, ha!” he says, “I’m the man from the bus!”
“Ha, ha!” says the nun, removing her costume, “I’m the bus driver!”
A old man goes to a church
The teacher asked her a question
7.
An accountant is in a car travelling with a farmer client around his farm.
They pass a large mob of sheep and the farmer says,
“You re pretty good with numbers, Keith. How many sheep do you reckon are in that paddock?”
The accountant looks at the sheep for a moment and says,
“One thousand, eight hundred and thirty-two.”
The farmer is amazed.
“Exactly right”, he says.
“How did you work that out so fast?”
“Easy,” says the accountant
“I counted the number of feet and divided by 4.”
He was sitting in his boat and fishing
A elderly wealthy man walks
An accountant is in a car travelling with a farmer client around his farm.
They pass a large mob of sheep and the farmer says,
“You re pretty good with numbers, Keith. How many sheep do you reckon are in that paddock?”
The accountant looks at the sheep for a moment and says,
“One thousand, eight hundred and thirty-two.”
The farmer is amazed.
“Exactly right”, he says.
“How did you work that out so fast?”
“Easy,” says the accountant
“I counted the number of feet and divided by 4.”
He was sitting in his boat and fishing
A elderly wealthy man walks
8.
A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening.
They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard.
The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave.
Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house.
They don’t want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird.
The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes back in.
The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit.
The wife doesn’t want the driver to know the house will be empty.
She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon.
“He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”
A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab.
“Sorry I took so long,” he says, as they drive away.
“Stupid lady was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. “
The cab driver hit a parked car.
A dad was having a conversation with his son
A old husband and wife went to breakfast
A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening.
They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard.
The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave.
Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house.
They don’t want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird.
The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes back in.
The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit.
The wife doesn’t want the driver to know the house will be empty.
She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon.
“He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”
A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab.
“Sorry I took so long,” he says, as they drive away.
“Stupid lady was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. “
The cab driver hit a parked car.
A dad was having a conversation with his son
A old husband and wife went to breakfast
9.
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing.
The policeman asked for a description.
She said, “He’s 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children.”
The next-door neighbor immediately saw a problem with this, and began to protest:
“Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children.”
The wife replied, “Yes, but who wants HIM back?”
At the first house the owner said
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing.
The policeman asked for a description.
She said, “He’s 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children.”
The next-door neighbor immediately saw a problem with this, and began to protest:
“Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children.”
The wife replied, “Yes, but who wants HIM back?”
At the first house the owner said
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday
10.
“The thrill is gone from my marriage,” Bill told his friend Doug.
Doug suggests, “Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?”
“But what if my wife finds out?” asks Bill.
“Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!” said Doug.
So Bill went home and said, “Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together.”
“Forget it,” said his wife.
“I’ve tried that it didn’t work.”
There was a man sitting at a bar
A taxi passenger tapped the driver
“The thrill is gone from my marriage,” Bill told his friend Doug.
Doug suggests, “Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?”
“But what if my wife finds out?” asks Bill.
“Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!” said Doug.
So Bill went home and said, “Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together.”
“Forget it,” said his wife.
“I’ve tried that it didn’t work.”
There was a man sitting at a bar
A taxi passenger tapped the driver
11.
A cop pulled over a car and finds a young couple in the front seat.
Where your seat belt young man? asked the cop.
Oh, I just took if off now when you were walking up to the car, responded the man.
No you didn’t! exclaimed his wife, you never wear your seat belt!.
A little taken aback, the cop asked to see his license.
Aw shucks! cried the man, I must have left it home! Yeah right! screamed his wife, You know it expired 3 months ago!
At a loss for words, the cop asked the woman are you always so tough on him?!
No responded the young woman, only when he had too much to drink!.
A drunk man walks out of a bar
Mark was passing by the bar
A cop pulled over a car and finds a young couple in the front seat.
Where your seat belt young man? asked the cop.
Oh, I just took if off now when you were walking up to the car, responded the man.
No you didn’t! exclaimed his wife, you never wear your seat belt!.
A little taken aback, the cop asked to see his license.
Aw shucks! cried the man, I must have left it home! Yeah right! screamed his wife, You know it expired 3 months ago!
At a loss for words, the cop asked the woman are you always so tough on him?!
No responded the young woman, only when he had too much to drink!.
A drunk man walks out of a bar
Mark was passing by the bar
12.
An elderly wealthy man walks into a bank New York City and asks for the loan officer.
He says he’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the elderly man hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, which costs quarter of a million dollars.
“The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,” says the man, “and I have all the necessary papers.”
The bank officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
After the old man leaves, the loan officer, the bank’s president and all their colleagues enjoy a good laugh at the man for using a $250,000 Rolls Royce as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
One of the employees drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the elderly wealthy man man returns, repays the $5000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, “Sir, I must tell you, we’re all a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and discovered that you’re a multimillionaire. Why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”
The old man replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41?”
A accountant is in a car travelling
Two guys were playing golf
An elderly wealthy man walks into a bank New York City and asks for the loan officer.
He says he’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the elderly man hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, which costs quarter of a million dollars.
“The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,” says the man, “and I have all the necessary papers.”
The bank officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
After the old man leaves, the loan officer, the bank’s president and all their colleagues enjoy a good laugh at the man for using a $250,000 Rolls Royce as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
One of the employees drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the elderly wealthy man man returns, repays the $5000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, “Sir, I must tell you, we’re all a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and discovered that you’re a multimillionaire. Why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”
The old man replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41?”
A accountant is in a car travelling
Two guys were playing golf
13.
A blonde was so upset about everyone always making fun of her being blonde that she decided to hang herself.
A little while later, a couple of guys walk by and see her hanging by her wrists.
“What are you doing?” They ask her.
“I’m hanging myself.” She said.
The men were confused.
Then one of them said, “If you’re trying to hang yourself, you’re supposed to put the rope around your neck.
“Duh,” she said. “I tried that and I couldn’t breath.”
A old lady in a nursing home
A woman goes into a toy shop
A blonde was so upset about everyone always making fun of her being blonde that she decided to hang herself.
A little while later, a couple of guys walk by and see her hanging by her wrists.
“What are you doing?” They ask her.
“I’m hanging myself.” She said.
The men were confused.
Then one of them said, “If you’re trying to hang yourself, you’re supposed to put the rope around your neck.
“Duh,” she said. “I tried that and I couldn’t breath.”
A old lady in a nursing home
A woman goes into a toy shop
14.
A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh, right up just below her undies line.
She also wants him to put “Happy Thanksgiving” under the turkey.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.
The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with “Merry Christmas” up on her left thigh.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too.
As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, “If you don’t mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?”
She said, “I’m sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there’s nothing good to eat between Thanks giving and Christmas.”
A group of young children were sitting
A new firefighter was being trained
A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh, right up just below her undies line.
She also wants him to put “Happy Thanksgiving” under the turkey.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.
The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with “Merry Christmas” up on her left thigh.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too.
As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, “If you don’t mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?”
She said, “I’m sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there’s nothing good to eat between Thanks giving and Christmas.”
A group of young children were sitting
A new firefighter was being trained
15.
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas.
The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and they both had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said “Where are you, you know we have lots to do.”
He said “You remember the jewelry store we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?”
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up…
“Yes, I do remember that shop,” she replied.
“Well… I am in the gun shop next door to that.”
A couple made a deal
Johnny and his wife had their first fight
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas.
The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and they both had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said “Where are you, you know we have lots to do.”
He said “You remember the jewelry store we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?”
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up…
“Yes, I do remember that shop,” she replied.
“Well… I am in the gun shop next door to that.”
A couple made a deal
Johnny and his wife had their first fight
16.
A guy finds his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in its mouth.
The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house.
He gives it a bath, blow dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbor’s house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor asks the guy,
“Did you hear that Fluffy died?” The guy stammers and says, “Um… no… what happened?” The neighbor replies,
“We found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage.
There are some real sick people out there!”
A man is talking to a local at the pub
A teacher is going over farming tools
A guy finds his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in its mouth.
The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house.
He gives it a bath, blow dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbor’s house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor asks the guy,
“Did you hear that Fluffy died?” The guy stammers and says, “Um… no… what happened?” The neighbor replies,
“We found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage.
There are some real sick people out there!”
A man is talking to a local at the pub
A teacher is going over farming tools
17.
Miss Wilson is teaching her class of 1st graders basic human anatomy…
The teacher aimed her pointer at the female anatomy chart.
“Now class, does anyone know what these are called?” the teacher asked.
“I know! I know!” exclaimed the teacher’s pet, Janie, sitting in the first row. “Those are melons! My mommy has two of those, and she says some day I will too!”
“Very good Janie, you are correct.” said the teacher. “Now,” Miss Wilson continued, aiming the pointer lower, “who can tell me what this is?”
“I know! I know!” Janie shouted. “That’s a virginia.
My mommy has one and it’s where I was born!”
“Very good Janie! Only, it’s pronounced VA-GI-NA.
Virginia is one of the original 13 colonies, and is now a state in our country.” Miss Wilson corrected.
Turning to the male anatomy chart, the teacher aimed her pointer and asked “Does anyone know what we call this?”
“I know! I know Miss Wilson! That’s a weapon! My daddy has two of those!” Janie proclaimed.
“Well Janie, you are right, it is a weapon, but unless he has a birth defect, I’m pretty sure your daddy only has one of them.” the teacher explained.
Janie stood up, defiant. “Nuh-uh Miss Wilson! I know! My daddy doesn’t have any birth effects! And he has TWO weapon’s.
He has a little one he pees with, and he has a BIG one he brushes mommy’s teeth with!”
A young man strides into a chemist
A nervous young lady sat on a dentist’s chair
Miss Wilson is teaching her class of 1st graders basic human anatomy…
The teacher aimed her pointer at the female anatomy chart.
“Now class, does anyone know what these are called?” the teacher asked.
“I know! I know!” exclaimed the teacher’s pet, Janie, sitting in the first row. “Those are melons! My mommy has two of those, and she says some day I will too!”
“Very good Janie, you are correct.” said the teacher. “Now,” Miss Wilson continued, aiming the pointer lower, “who can tell me what this is?”
“I know! I know!” Janie shouted. “That’s a virginia.
My mommy has one and it’s where I was born!”
“Very good Janie! Only, it’s pronounced VA-GI-NA.
Virginia is one of the original 13 colonies, and is now a state in our country.” Miss Wilson corrected.
Turning to the male anatomy chart, the teacher aimed her pointer and asked “Does anyone know what we call this?”
“I know! I know Miss Wilson! That’s a weapon! My daddy has two of those!” Janie proclaimed.
“Well Janie, you are right, it is a weapon, but unless he has a birth defect, I’m pretty sure your daddy only has one of them.” the teacher explained.
Janie stood up, defiant. “Nuh-uh Miss Wilson! I know! My daddy doesn’t have any birth effects! And he has TWO weapon’s.
He has a little one he pees with, and he has a BIG one he brushes mommy’s teeth with!”
A young man strides into a chemist
A nervous young lady sat on a dentist’s chair
18.
An elderly man walks into a confessional.
The following conversation ensues:
Man: “I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years,
many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking.
We went to a motel, where I had making love with each of them three times.”
Priest: “Are you sorry for your sins?”
Man: “What sins? ”
Priest: “What kind of a Catholic are you?”
Man: “I’m Jewish.”
Priest: “Why are you telling me all this?”
Man: “I’m 92 years old … I’m telling everybody.”
There were Two Nuns
A couple went to a bang therapists office
An elderly man walks into a confessional.
The following conversation ensues:
Man: “I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years,
many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking.
We went to a motel, where I had making love with each of them three times.”
Priest: “Are you sorry for your sins?”
Man: “What sins? ”
Priest: “What kind of a Catholic are you?”
Man: “I’m Jewish.”
Priest: “Why are you telling me all this?”
Man: “I’m 92 years old … I’m telling everybody.”
There were Two Nuns
A couple went to a bang therapists office
19.
Elsa, a 97 year old midwife, finally passed away after a long and happy life.
When she arrived at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter was standing there waiting for her.
He said, “Welcome, Elsa do you have a last wish before you enter paradise?”
“I do,” Elsa replied.
“I would like to return to Earth for a few minutes and for once in my life witness a birth where the father is the one who has to endure the pain of having a baby.”
St. Peter thought this was a reasonable request, so Elsa was sent back to Earth for a short while.
She found herself standing in the home of a woman who was just having a baby. While giving birth, the mother seemed to be in no pain whatsoever.
The midwife was curious to see how her husband was doing, but was surprised to see him calmly sitting on a chair by an open window, smoking his pipe.
“How are you feeling? Aren’t you in pain?” the midwife asked him.
“Oh no, I’m feeling great,” the husband replied.
“But I think we have to call for an ambulance our neighbor John is lying out there on the lawn screaming his head off!”
Two old Jewish men Sid and Abe
The coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players
Elsa, a 97 year old midwife, finally passed away after a long and happy life.
When she arrived at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter was standing there waiting for her.
He said, “Welcome, Elsa do you have a last wish before you enter paradise?”
“I do,” Elsa replied.
“I would like to return to Earth for a few minutes and for once in my life witness a birth where the father is the one who has to endure the pain of having a baby.”
St. Peter thought this was a reasonable request, so Elsa was sent back to Earth for a short while.
She found herself standing in the home of a woman who was just having a baby. While giving birth, the mother seemed to be in no pain whatsoever.
The midwife was curious to see how her husband was doing, but was surprised to see him calmly sitting on a chair by an open window, smoking his pipe.
“How are you feeling? Aren’t you in pain?” the midwife asked him.
“Oh no, I’m feeling great,” the husband replied.
“But I think we have to call for an ambulance our neighbor John is lying out there on the lawn screaming his head off!”
Two old Jewish men Sid and Abe
The coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players
20.
The ninety-five-year-old woman at the nursing home received a visit from one of her fellow church members.
“How are you feeling?” the visitor asked.
“Oh,” said the lady,
“I’m just worried sick!”
“What are you worried about, dear?” her friend asked.
“You look like you are in good health. They are taking care of yourself, aren’t they?”
“Yes, they are taking very good care of me.”
“Well, what are you worried about?” her friend asked again.
The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her major worry.
“Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to heaven. I am afraid they are all wondering where I went!”
Two men were having a of golf
Dave took Mary out for dinner
The ninety-five-year-old woman at the nursing home received a visit from one of her fellow church members.
“How are you feeling?” the visitor asked.
“Oh,” said the lady,
“I’m just worried sick!”
“What are you worried about, dear?” her friend asked.
“You look like you are in good health. They are taking care of yourself, aren’t they?”
“Yes, they are taking very good care of me.”
“Well, what are you worried about?” her friend asked again.
The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her major worry.
“Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to heaven. I am afraid they are all wondering where I went!”
Two men were having a of golf
Dave took Mary out for dinner
21.
A husband got a message from his neighbour one day.
It read “Hey im sorry i had to tell you like this but i have been doing your wife for months now”
The husband went to go grab his gun and shot his wife.
He hide the evidence and a few hours later he got another message from his neighbor saying “Sorry meant using your wifi”
Three construction workers where sitting on the bridge
One smart father goes to his son
A husband got a message from his neighbour one day.
It read “Hey im sorry i had to tell you like this but i have been doing your wife for months now”
The husband went to go grab his gun and shot his wife.
He hide the evidence and a few hours later he got another message from his neighbor saying “Sorry meant using your wifi”
Three construction workers where sitting on the bridge
One smart father goes to his son
22.
An old man in Miami calls up his son in New York and says,
“Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough.”
“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says.
“I’m sick of her face, and I’m sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her,” and he hangs up.
Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister.
She says, “Like hell, they’re getting divorced!” and calls her father immediately.
“You’re not getting divorced! Don’t do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don’t call a lawyer, don’t file a paper, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up.
The old man turns to his wife and says “Okay, they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.”
A couple were having some problems
Frank and John left the bar
An old man in Miami calls up his son in New York and says,
“Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough.”
“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says.
“I’m sick of her face, and I’m sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her,” and he hangs up.
Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister.
She says, “Like hell, they’re getting divorced!” and calls her father immediately.
“You’re not getting divorced! Don’t do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don’t call a lawyer, don’t file a paper, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up.
The old man turns to his wife and says “Okay, they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.”
A couple were having some problems
Frank and John left the bar
23.
A wife asks her programmer husband to go to the store.
‘Can you go down to the store, and get a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6.’
Later on, he returns home and she looks at his purchases and says,
‘Why do you have 6 gallons of milk?’
He responded, ‘They had eggs.’
Two young brothers in Rome
A elderly couple was having breakfast
A wife asks her programmer husband to go to the store.
‘Can you go down to the store, and get a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6.’
Later on, he returns home and she looks at his purchases and says,
‘Why do you have 6 gallons of milk?’
He responded, ‘They had eggs.’
Two young brothers in Rome
A elderly couple was having breakfast
24.
A Help desk guy speaking to an old lady user.
Help desk: Double click on “My Computer”.
An Old Lady: I can’t see your computer…
Help desk: No… click on “My Computer” on your computer.
An Old Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer???!!
Help desk: there is an icon labelled “My Computer” on your computer double click on it.
An Old Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer??!!!
Two men are sitting at a bar
Bill and Doug were having a beer
A Help desk guy speaking to an old lady user.
Help desk: Double click on “My Computer”.
An Old Lady: I can’t see your computer…
Help desk: No… click on “My Computer” on your computer.
An Old Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer???!!
Help desk: there is an icon labelled “My Computer” on your computer double click on it.
An Old Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer??!!!
Two men are sitting at a bar
Bill and Doug were having a beer
25.
“How are you mate?”
“Yeah, I’m okay. But do me a favor mate.
Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.
”I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21-year-old twin daughters lying n***ked on the bed.
I said “Your dad’s sent me up here to have bing bang with both of you.
They respond “Get away with ya… Prove it.
”I shouted downstairs “Hey, mate! Both of them?
”He shouted back “Of course both of them! What’s the point in f****king one?”
The smart kid has the perfect answer for his boss
“How are you mate?”
“Yeah, I’m okay. But do me a favor mate.
Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.
”I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21-year-old twin daughters lying n***ked on the bed.
I said “Your dad’s sent me up here to have bing bang with both of you.
They respond “Get away with ya… Prove it.
”I shouted downstairs “Hey, mate! Both of them?
”He shouted back “Of course both of them! What’s the point in f****king one?”
The smart kid has the perfect answer for his boss
26.
A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his make love life.
The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but he couldn’t get a clear picture of the problems.
Finally he asked, “Do you ever watch your girlfriend’s face while you’re having lovemaking?”
“Well, yes, I did once.”
“And how did she look?”
“Oh boy, she looked very angry!”
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere.
“Well that’s very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend’s face once during make love. That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?”
“She was watching us through the window.”
A elderly lady went to the doctor
A woman goes into a restaurant with 15 kids
A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his make love life.
The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but he couldn’t get a clear picture of the problems.
Finally he asked, “Do you ever watch your girlfriend’s face while you’re having lovemaking?”
“Well, yes, I did once.”
“And how did she look?”
“Oh boy, she looked very angry!”
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere.
“Well that’s very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend’s face once during make love. That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?”
“She was watching us through the window.”
A elderly lady went to the doctor
A woman goes into a restaurant with 15 kids
27.
An elderly Pope goes to New York and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine.
When he sees the car, he motions to the driver and says:
“Do you mind if I ask you a favour?”
“A favour for the Pope??” exclaims the driver, “of course – anything!”
“You know, I hardly ever get to drive, and I’d really like it if I got to drive now. Would you please let me?”
The thought of the Pope getting behind the wheel scared the driver – what if he got into an accident?
On the other hand, the driver felt that he couldn’t say no to the Pope himself, so he reluctantly obliged and let His Holiness get behind the wheel.
To his utter dismay, the Pope turns the key, lights up the limousine’s rear tires and speeds up like a maniac!
After driving in excess of 100 mph in a 45 mph zone, a police car drives up alongside them and orders them to stop immediately.
The Pope slams on the brakes and comes to a dead stop, as does the pursuing police officer.
The police officer emerges from his vehicle, briefly peers through the limousine’s window, then hurriedly steps back in.
His sergeant got this call:
Cop: “Sir, I have a problem.”
Sergeant: “What kind of problem?”
Cop: “Well, I pulled over this driver for speeding, but he’s someone really important.”
Sergeant: “Important like… the mayor?”
Cop: “No, no – a lot more important than that.”
Sergeant: “Important like… the governor?”
Cop: “Way more important than that, Sarge.”
Sergeant: “Important like… the President?”
Cop: “Even more important than him.”
Sergeant: “Who’s more important than the President?”
Cop: “I don’t know sarge, but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!”
The rat was in the middle
I need a tooth pulled
An elderly Pope goes to New York and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine.
When he sees the car, he motions to the driver and says:
“Do you mind if I ask you a favour?”
“A favour for the Pope??” exclaims the driver, “of course – anything!”
“You know, I hardly ever get to drive, and I’d really like it if I got to drive now. Would you please let me?”
The thought of the Pope getting behind the wheel scared the driver – what if he got into an accident?
On the other hand, the driver felt that he couldn’t say no to the Pope himself, so he reluctantly obliged and let His Holiness get behind the wheel.
To his utter dismay, the Pope turns the key, lights up the limousine’s rear tires and speeds up like a maniac!
After driving in excess of 100 mph in a 45 mph zone, a police car drives up alongside them and orders them to stop immediately.
The Pope slams on the brakes and comes to a dead stop, as does the pursuing police officer.
The police officer emerges from his vehicle, briefly peers through the limousine’s window, then hurriedly steps back in.
His sergeant got this call:
Cop: “Sir, I have a problem.”
Sergeant: “What kind of problem?”
Cop: “Well, I pulled over this driver for speeding, but he’s someone really important.”
Sergeant: “Important like… the mayor?”
Cop: “No, no – a lot more important than that.”
Sergeant: “Important like… the governor?”
Cop: “Way more important than that, Sarge.”
Sergeant: “Important like… the President?”
Cop: “Even more important than him.”
Sergeant: “Who’s more important than the President?”
Cop: “I don’t know sarge, but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!”
The rat was in the middle
I need a tooth pulled
28.
Sam called his wife and said to her in a weak voice, “Hey baby, I was driving to a coffee shop to meet Mary when all of a sudden, a stray dog came in the way.
I tried to steer left to avoid running it down, but the car skidded due to high speed, rolled over and almost ran off the cliff.
The car was hanging nose down over the cliff, as I looked down fearing impending death.
“I just managed to climb out of the car and save my life, just before the car fell over the cliff crashing thousands of feet below and was blown into smithereens.”
Sam continued, “I was taken to a hospital. I have a broken leg, broken jaw, dislocated shoulder and several injuries on my head.”
There was silence on the phone, then the wife asked, “Who is Mary?”
A couple was going out
A wife come home from a shopping
Sam called his wife and said to her in a weak voice, “Hey baby, I was driving to a coffee shop to meet Mary when all of a sudden, a stray dog came in the way.
I tried to steer left to avoid running it down, but the car skidded due to high speed, rolled over and almost ran off the cliff.
The car was hanging nose down over the cliff, as I looked down fearing impending death.
“I just managed to climb out of the car and save my life, just before the car fell over the cliff crashing thousands of feet below and was blown into smithereens.”
Sam continued, “I was taken to a hospital. I have a broken leg, broken jaw, dislocated shoulder and several injuries on my head.”
There was silence on the phone, then the wife asked, “Who is Mary?”
A couple was going out
A wife come home from a shopping
29.
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.
He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?”
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?”
“Yes”, whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?” the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.”
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”
“Yes,” came the answer.
“May I talk with her?”
Again the small voice whispered, “No.”
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child
“Is there any one there besides you?” the boss asked the child.
“Yes,” whispered the child, “A policeman.”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked “May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy,” whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?” asked the boss.
“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
“A hello-copper,” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” asked the boss, now alarmed in an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.”
Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, “Why are they there?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle…
“They’re looking for me.”
A Mr.Smith was on his death bed
They get back together to discuss
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.
He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?”
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?”
“Yes”, whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?” the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.”
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”
“Yes,” came the answer.
“May I talk with her?”
Again the small voice whispered, “No.”
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child
“Is there any one there besides you?” the boss asked the child.
“Yes,” whispered the child, “A policeman.”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked “May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy,” whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?” asked the boss.
“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
“A hello-copper,” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” asked the boss, now alarmed in an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.”
Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, “Why are they there?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle…
“They’re looking for me.”
A Mr.Smith was on his death bed
They get back together to discuss
30.
A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit,
She instructed her son Little Johnny to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to his daddy who was on site.
After Little Johnny had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that there was a lady that picked up daddy’s phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile.
Women!! ?????
Hearing this Mom got angry.
She waited impatiently for her husband to return from work and upon seeing him in the driveway, she rushed out and gave him a tight slap, and she slapped him again, for good measure.
People from the neighborhood rushed around to find out what the cause of the commotion was.
The woman asked Little Johnny to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called.
Little Johnny said: “The subscriber you have dialed is not available at present. Please Try Again Later…”
A man joined a big Multi National Company
There was this professional assassin that charged
A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit,
She instructed her son Little Johnny to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to his daddy who was on site.
After Little Johnny had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that there was a lady that picked up daddy’s phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile.
Women!! ?????
Hearing this Mom got angry.
She waited impatiently for her husband to return from work and upon seeing him in the driveway, she rushed out and gave him a tight slap, and she slapped him again, for good measure.
People from the neighborhood rushed around to find out what the cause of the commotion was.
The woman asked Little Johnny to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called.
Little Johnny said: “The subscriber you have dialed is not available at present. Please Try Again Later…”
A man joined a big Multi National Company
There was this professional assassin that charged
Tags:
eng jokes