1.
A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.
“You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
“I went to visit my Nana.”
“No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!”
She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
“I took a ride on a choo-choo.”
She said, “No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words.”
She then asked Little Johnny what he had done.
“I read a book,” he replied.
“That’s WONDERFUL!” the teacher said. “What book did you read?”
Little Johnny thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, “Winnie the Shit.”
Jane was waiting for Sam to return from an outing
A couple of years ago, one night
A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.
“You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
“I went to visit my Nana.”
“No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!”
She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
“I took a ride on a choo-choo.”
She said, “No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words.”
She then asked Little Johnny what he had done.
“I read a book,” he replied.
“That’s WONDERFUL!” the teacher said. “What book did you read?”
Little Johnny thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, “Winnie the Shit.”
Jane was waiting for Sam to return from an outing
A couple of years ago, one night
2.
“Bob, I’m sorry I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess,
I have been helping myself to your wife when you’re not around, probably more than you It’s been so incredible and fun, I’ve not been able to stop myself sometimes it goes on for hours and hours.
I know it’s no excuse but I don’t get it at home, I can’t live with the guilt any longer, I hope you’ll accept my sincerest apology it won’t happen again.”
Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.
Moments later the guy gets a second text,
“Bloom-in’ auto-correct, it’ll be the death of me! I meant to say ‘wife’”
A blonde and a lawyer
She opened the door to see a well
“Bob, I’m sorry I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess,
I have been helping myself to your wife when you’re not around, probably more than you It’s been so incredible and fun, I’ve not been able to stop myself sometimes it goes on for hours and hours.
I know it’s no excuse but I don’t get it at home, I can’t live with the guilt any longer, I hope you’ll accept my sincerest apology it won’t happen again.”
Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.
Moments later the guy gets a second text,
“Bloom-in’ auto-correct, it’ll be the death of me! I meant to say ‘wife’”
A blonde and a lawyer
She opened the door to see a well
3.
This guy goes into a doctors and says “Doctor, doctor you’ve gotta help me. I just can’t stop having lovemaking!”
“Well how often do you have it?” the doctor asks.
“Well, twice a day I have lovemaking with my wife, TWICE a day”, he answers back.
“That’s not so much”, says the doctor.
“Yes, but that’s not all. Twice a day I have lovemaking with my secretary, TWICE a day,” replies the man.
“Well that is probably a bit excessive,” says the doctor.
“Yes, but that’s not all. Twice a day I have make love with a call girl, TWICE a day,” says the man.
“Well, that’s definitely to much”, says the doctor.
“You’ve got to learn to take yourself in hand.”
“I do”, says the man. “Twice a day.”
A guy walks into a post office
Three young women are at a party
This guy goes into a doctors and says “Doctor, doctor you’ve gotta help me. I just can’t stop having lovemaking!”
“Well how often do you have it?” the doctor asks.
“Well, twice a day I have lovemaking with my wife, TWICE a day”, he answers back.
“That’s not so much”, says the doctor.
“Yes, but that’s not all. Twice a day I have lovemaking with my secretary, TWICE a day,” replies the man.
“Well that is probably a bit excessive,” says the doctor.
“Yes, but that’s not all. Twice a day I have make love with a call girl, TWICE a day,” says the man.
“Well, that’s definitely to much”, says the doctor.
“You’ve got to learn to take yourself in hand.”
“I do”, says the man. “Twice a day.”
A guy walks into a post office
Three young women are at a party
4.
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing.
The policeman asked for a description.
She said, “He’s 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children.”
The next-door neighbor immediately saw a problem with this, and began to protest:
“Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children.”
The wife replied, “Yes, but who wants HIM back?”
At the first house the owner said
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing.
The policeman asked for a description.
She said, “He’s 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children.”
The next-door neighbor immediately saw a problem with this, and began to protest:
“Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children.”
The wife replied, “Yes, but who wants HIM back?”
At the first house the owner said
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday
5.
Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on.
It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal.
“I’ll bet you $10 he’ll jump,” said the first guy.
“Bet you $10 he won’t,” said the second guy.
Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge.
The second guy hands the first guy the money.
“I can’t take your money,” said the first guy.
“I cheated you. The same story was on the five o’clock news.”
“No, no. Take it,” said the second guy.
“I saw the five o’clock news too. I just didn’t think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!”
A elderly couple were on a cruise
He walked into the kitchen
Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on.
It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal.
“I’ll bet you $10 he’ll jump,” said the first guy.
“Bet you $10 he won’t,” said the second guy.
Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge.
The second guy hands the first guy the money.
“I can’t take your money,” said the first guy.
“I cheated you. The same story was on the five o’clock news.”
“No, no. Take it,” said the second guy.
“I saw the five o’clock news too. I just didn’t think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!”
A elderly couple were on a cruise
He walked into the kitchen
6.
Dry humor about water.
So these two guys are in a cabin in the woods by a small pond in Vermont.
One says, “Hey, go fetch some water to drink.”
So the other takes a pail and wades out into the pond to get water.
He looks up and there is a bear across the pond looking at him and growling!
The guy drops the pail and runs back to the cabin.
He bursts into the cabin and shouts, “There’s a bear in the lake!”
The other guy looks up and says, “Relax, he’s probably more scared than you are.”
The some what wet guy says, “Oh, then you wouldn’t want to drink the water anyway.”
Finding one of her student Little Johnny
Divorce letter with funny end
Dry humor about water.
So these two guys are in a cabin in the woods by a small pond in Vermont.
One says, “Hey, go fetch some water to drink.”
So the other takes a pail and wades out into the pond to get water.
He looks up and there is a bear across the pond looking at him and growling!
The guy drops the pail and runs back to the cabin.
He bursts into the cabin and shouts, “There’s a bear in the lake!”
The other guy looks up and says, “Relax, he’s probably more scared than you are.”
The some what wet guy says, “Oh, then you wouldn’t want to drink the water anyway.”
Finding one of her student Little Johnny
Divorce letter with funny end
7.
Little Sally asked her dad if she could take her dog Fluffy far a walk around the block, he told her no because Fluffy was in heat.
Little Sally says what does in heat mean?
Without any explanation her dad took a rag with gas on it and wiped the dog’s rear end with it and told her to go around the block and come back straight home.
When she returned she was alone. Her dad asks; where is Fluffy?
Little Sally says, Fluffy ran out of gas a few blocks back and another dog is pushing her home.
John and his wife are getting ready for bed
A mother found a candy bar wrapper
Little Sally asked her dad if she could take her dog Fluffy far a walk around the block, he told her no because Fluffy was in heat.
Little Sally says what does in heat mean?
Without any explanation her dad took a rag with gas on it and wiped the dog’s rear end with it and told her to go around the block and come back straight home.
When she returned she was alone. Her dad asks; where is Fluffy?
Little Sally says, Fluffy ran out of gas a few blocks back and another dog is pushing her home.
John and his wife are getting ready for bed
A mother found a candy bar wrapper
8.
One night a little girl walks in on her parents room while they doing romance.
The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops.
“What are you doing, Mommy?”
The mother too embarrassed to tell her little girl about this so she makes up an answer.
“Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.”
The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.”
The mother has a confused look on her face,
“Why do you say that sweetheart?”
The little girl replies “Because mommy, every time you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner
A little boy walks in on his parents
One night a little girl walks in on her parents room while they doing romance.
The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops.
“What are you doing, Mommy?”
The mother too embarrassed to tell her little girl about this so she makes up an answer.
“Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.”
The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.”
The mother has a confused look on her face,
“Why do you say that sweetheart?”
The little girl replies “Because mommy, every time you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner
A little boy walks in on his parents
9.
An elderly couple had been dating for some time.
Finally, they decided it was time for marriage.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
“How do you feel about make love?” he asked, rather trustingly.
“Well,” she says, responding carefully, “I’d have to say I would like it infrequently.”
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment.
Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually asking, “Was that one word or two?”
Johnny and his father were walking
Two deaf people get married
An elderly couple had been dating for some time.
Finally, they decided it was time for marriage.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
“How do you feel about make love?” he asked, rather trustingly.
“Well,” she says, responding carefully, “I’d have to say I would like it infrequently.”
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment.
Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually asking, “Was that one word or two?”
Johnny and his father were walking
Two deaf people get married
10.
So a man dies, goes to Heaven, and sees St. Peter.
There are many clocks surrounding him so the man asks,
“What are these clocks for?”
St. Peter replies, “These are lie clocks, they tick once for every lie you tell.
Here we have Mother Teresa’s clock.
She has never lied so the clock has not moved.
Honest Abe has only lied twice in his life, so it has only ticked twice.”
The man then asks, “So where is George Bush’s clock?”
St. Peter replies, “Oh, that is in Jesus’ office, he is using it as a ceiling fan!”
Mother superior tells two new nuns
Guy calls in to his Boss
So a man dies, goes to Heaven, and sees St. Peter.
There are many clocks surrounding him so the man asks,
“What are these clocks for?”
St. Peter replies, “These are lie clocks, they tick once for every lie you tell.
Here we have Mother Teresa’s clock.
She has never lied so the clock has not moved.
Honest Abe has only lied twice in his life, so it has only ticked twice.”
The man then asks, “So where is George Bush’s clock?”
St. Peter replies, “Oh, that is in Jesus’ office, he is using it as a ceiling fan!”
Mother superior tells two new nuns
Guy calls in to his Boss
11.
A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away.
As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.
They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies.
They have another funeral for her.
At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, “Watch out for the wall please!”
A teacher told her young class
A old man lived in the village
A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away.
As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.
They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies.
They have another funeral for her.
At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, “Watch out for the wall please!”
A teacher told her young class
A old man lived in the village
12.
An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he’s lost.
Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old Doberman thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in it now!”
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?”
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
“Whew!,” says the panther, “That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!”
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther.
So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!”
Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?,” but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says …….
“Where’s that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!”
Moral of this story Don’t mess with the old dogs Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! and brilliance only come with age and experience.
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts
There was a man sitting at a bar
An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he’s lost.
Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old Doberman thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in it now!”
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?”
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
“Whew!,” says the panther, “That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!”
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther.
So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!”
Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?,” but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says …….
“Where’s that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!”
Moral of this story Don’t mess with the old dogs Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! and brilliance only come with age and experience.
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts
There was a man sitting at a bar
13.
One night there were three female fugitives escaping from jail.
One was blonde, one was brunette and the other was a redhead.
They had the police hot on their trail and, quickly thinking the brunette points out an old, abandoned factory perfect for hiding in.
When all three were inside the redhead, quickly thinking said they should all hide in old potato sacks in the corner as they could hear the police approaching the factory.
They all got in their little potato sacks and barely a minute later the police came crashing through the door.
They looked at the sacks and said: ‘Hmm maybe they are hiding in these.’
The officer kicks the red-head’s sack and she makes whimpering noises.
‘Hmm just puppies in that sack’
The officer kicks the brunette’s sack and she makes mewing noises.
‘Hmm just kittens in that sack’ He says. He finally kicks the blonde’s sack and he hears…
‘POTATOES POTATOES!’
A blonde walks into a pharmacy
Three girls all worked in the same office
One night there were three female fugitives escaping from jail.
One was blonde, one was brunette and the other was a redhead.
They had the police hot on their trail and, quickly thinking the brunette points out an old, abandoned factory perfect for hiding in.
When all three were inside the redhead, quickly thinking said they should all hide in old potato sacks in the corner as they could hear the police approaching the factory.
They all got in their little potato sacks and barely a minute later the police came crashing through the door.
They looked at the sacks and said: ‘Hmm maybe they are hiding in these.’
The officer kicks the red-head’s sack and she makes whimpering noises.
‘Hmm just puppies in that sack’
The officer kicks the brunette’s sack and she makes mewing noises.
‘Hmm just kittens in that sack’ He says. He finally kicks the blonde’s sack and he hears…
‘POTATOES POTATOES!’
A blonde walks into a pharmacy
Three girls all worked in the same office
14.
A blonde went to her doctor and said,
“You prescribed birth control pills for me.”
“And how is it going?” he asked.
“Okay, I think, but I’d like to have them bigger.”
The doctor was surprised.
“You mean stronger?”
“No, bigger, please”
“But why BIGGER?”
“Because they keep falling out.”
Sophie and Shirley two elderly widows
This blonde city girl who was out driving
A blonde went to her doctor and said,
“You prescribed birth control pills for me.”
“And how is it going?” he asked.
“Okay, I think, but I’d like to have them bigger.”
The doctor was surprised.
“You mean stronger?”
“No, bigger, please”
“But why BIGGER?”
“Because they keep falling out.”
Sophie and Shirley two elderly widows
This blonde city girl who was out driving
15.
A store owner was tacking a sign above his door that read “Puppies For Sale.”
Signs like that have a way of attracting small children, and sure enough, a little boy appeared under the store owner’s sign.
“How much are you going to sell the puppies for?” he asked.
The store owner replied, “Anywhere from $30 to $50.”
The little boy reached in his pocket and pulled out some change.
“I have $2.37,” he said,
“Can I please look at them?”
The store owner smiled and whistled and out of the kennel came Lady, who ran down the aisle of his store followed by five teeny, tiny balls of fur.
One puppy was lagging considerably behind.
Immediately the little boy singled out the lagging, limping puppy and said, “What’s wrong with that little dog?”
The store owner explained that the veterinarian had examined the little puppy and had discovered it didn’t have a hip socket.
It would always limp.
It would always be lame.
The little boy became excited.
“That is the puppy that I want to buy.”
The store owner said, “No, you don’t want to buy that little dog If you really want him, I’ll just give him to you.”
The little boy got quite upset.
He looked straight into the store owner’s eyes, pointing his finger, and said, “I don’t want you to give him to me
That little dog is worth every bit as much as all the other dogs and I’ll pay full price in fact, I’ll give you $2.37 now, and 50 cents a month until I have him paid for.”
The store owner countered, “You really don’t want to buy this little dog.He is never going to be able to run and jump and play with you like the other puppies.”
To his surprise, the little boy reached down and rolled up his pant leg to reveal a badly twisted, crippled left leg supported by a big metal brace.
He looked up at the store owner and softly replied, “Well, I don’t run so well myself, and the little puppy will need someone who understands!”
We ALL need someone who Understands!
Mrs Jones told her pastor
Johnny was sitting in class
A store owner was tacking a sign above his door that read “Puppies For Sale.”
Signs like that have a way of attracting small children, and sure enough, a little boy appeared under the store owner’s sign.
“How much are you going to sell the puppies for?” he asked.
The store owner replied, “Anywhere from $30 to $50.”
The little boy reached in his pocket and pulled out some change.
“I have $2.37,” he said,
“Can I please look at them?”
The store owner smiled and whistled and out of the kennel came Lady, who ran down the aisle of his store followed by five teeny, tiny balls of fur.
One puppy was lagging considerably behind.
Immediately the little boy singled out the lagging, limping puppy and said, “What’s wrong with that little dog?”
The store owner explained that the veterinarian had examined the little puppy and had discovered it didn’t have a hip socket.
It would always limp.
It would always be lame.
The little boy became excited.
“That is the puppy that I want to buy.”
The store owner said, “No, you don’t want to buy that little dog If you really want him, I’ll just give him to you.”
The little boy got quite upset.
He looked straight into the store owner’s eyes, pointing his finger, and said, “I don’t want you to give him to me
That little dog is worth every bit as much as all the other dogs and I’ll pay full price in fact, I’ll give you $2.37 now, and 50 cents a month until I have him paid for.”
The store owner countered, “You really don’t want to buy this little dog.He is never going to be able to run and jump and play with you like the other puppies.”
To his surprise, the little boy reached down and rolled up his pant leg to reveal a badly twisted, crippled left leg supported by a big metal brace.
He looked up at the store owner and softly replied, “Well, I don’t run so well myself, and the little puppy will need someone who understands!”
We ALL need someone who Understands!
Mrs Jones told her pastor
Johnny was sitting in class
16.
A couple went to a bang therapists office
The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”
The man said, “Will you watch us having lovemaking, for your expert analysis?”
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said,
“There’s nothing wrong with the way you have lovemaking,” and charged them $50/-.
This happened several weeks in a row.
The couple would make an Appointment, have lovemaking with no problems pay the doctor fees and then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find-out?”
The man said, “We’re not trying to find out anything.
She’s married And we can’t go to her house – I’m married and we can’t go to my house.
The 5 star hotel charges $3000/-, 3 star hotel charges $1500/-, Any other hotel charges minimum $500/- for one day room.
We do it here for $50/-, and I get that back from Medical Insurance.”
An elderly man walks into a confessional
A man came to visit his grandparents
A couple went to a bang therapists office
The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”
The man said, “Will you watch us having lovemaking, for your expert analysis?”
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said,
“There’s nothing wrong with the way you have lovemaking,” and charged them $50/-.
This happened several weeks in a row.
The couple would make an Appointment, have lovemaking with no problems pay the doctor fees and then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find-out?”
The man said, “We’re not trying to find out anything.
She’s married And we can’t go to her house – I’m married and we can’t go to my house.
The 5 star hotel charges $3000/-, 3 star hotel charges $1500/-, Any other hotel charges minimum $500/- for one day room.
We do it here for $50/-, and I get that back from Medical Insurance.”
An elderly man walks into a confessional
A man came to visit his grandparents
17.
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any recent interest in his paintings, which happened to be on display.
“I have good news and bad news,” the gallery owner replied.
“The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death.”
“What did you say?” questioned the artist.
“When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.”
“That’s wonderful!” the artist exclaimed.
“What’s the bad news?”
“The gentleman was your doctor.”
A frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline
I Gotta Be Drunk
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any recent interest in his paintings, which happened to be on display.
“I have good news and bad news,” the gallery owner replied.
“The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death.”
“What did you say?” questioned the artist.
“When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.”
“That’s wonderful!” the artist exclaimed.
“What’s the bad news?”
“The gentleman was your doctor.”
A frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline
I Gotta Be Drunk
18.
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees enough and they would send an inspector to interview them
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
“Tell me about your staff,” he asked Paddy.
“Well,” said Paddy,
“there’s the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage
Then there’s the housekeeper
She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There’s also the half-wit.
He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week, along with a bottle of gin, and about once every 6 months gets to sleep with my missus.”
“That’s who I want to talk to,” said the inspector, “the half-wit.”
“That’ll be me then,” said Paddy.
A rather old fashioned lady
A woman goes to her doctor
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees enough and they would send an inspector to interview them
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
“Tell me about your staff,” he asked Paddy.
“Well,” said Paddy,
“there’s the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage
Then there’s the housekeeper
She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There’s also the half-wit.
He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week, along with a bottle of gin, and about once every 6 months gets to sleep with my missus.”
“That’s who I want to talk to,” said the inspector, “the half-wit.”
“That’ll be me then,” said Paddy.
A rather old fashioned lady
A woman goes to her doctor
19.
I paid a visit to an art gallery today and saw an exquisite piece of art.
It was of a fox. Every stroke on the painting was perfect and every colour was blended together beautifully.
But as I analysed the painting, I noticed that something didn’t feel right.
As if there was still something missing from it.
And I was right! As soon as I caught it, I just couldn’t unsee it.
So I decided to head to the manager to warn them about the error in the artist’s craft.
“Hey, you take a look at that fox painting? The artist must be a legend!”
“Oh yeah. Most favourite piece I’ve made. Its copies sell well.”
“Oh! I must say it does look absolutely magnificent!
But I’m sure you realise what’s wrong with it.”
“Ah, yes. An intentional design.”
“So you masterfully handcrafted this fox painting, intentionally painted the tail out, and still managed to sell enough copies even though it’s an incomplete painting.”
The artist chuckled and nodded in agreement.
My eyes widened, with the hands open and on my sides, and my lips mouthing the word in amazement: “How?”
The artist shrugs and says “It’s just the detailing, man.”
He laughed at my cringe. I laughed at his burnt painting
An Australian asks a travel agent
Today I went to the children’s daycare
I paid a visit to an art gallery today and saw an exquisite piece of art.
It was of a fox. Every stroke on the painting was perfect and every colour was blended together beautifully.
But as I analysed the painting, I noticed that something didn’t feel right.
As if there was still something missing from it.
And I was right! As soon as I caught it, I just couldn’t unsee it.
So I decided to head to the manager to warn them about the error in the artist’s craft.
“Hey, you take a look at that fox painting? The artist must be a legend!”
“Oh yeah. Most favourite piece I’ve made. Its copies sell well.”
“Oh! I must say it does look absolutely magnificent!
But I’m sure you realise what’s wrong with it.”
“Ah, yes. An intentional design.”
“So you masterfully handcrafted this fox painting, intentionally painted the tail out, and still managed to sell enough copies even though it’s an incomplete painting.”
The artist chuckled and nodded in agreement.
My eyes widened, with the hands open and on my sides, and my lips mouthing the word in amazement: “How?”
The artist shrugs and says “It’s just the detailing, man.”
He laughed at my cringe. I laughed at his burnt painting
An Australian asks a travel agent
Today I went to the children’s daycare
20.
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.
“Oh my God – Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”
“I can’t jump out the window, It’s raining out there!”
“If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!” she replied.
“He’s got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!”
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon,
so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being n*ked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.
After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
“Do you always run in the n*de?” one asked.
“Oh yes!” he replied, gasping for air.
“It feels so wonderfully free!”
Another runner moved alongside him.
“Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?”
“Oh, yes” our friend answered breathlessly.
“That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!”
Two Hillbillies sitting in a Diner
In a school science class four worms
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.
“Oh my God – Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”
“I can’t jump out the window, It’s raining out there!”
“If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!” she replied.
“He’s got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!”
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon,
so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being n*ked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.
After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
“Do you always run in the n*de?” one asked.
“Oh yes!” he replied, gasping for air.
“It feels so wonderfully free!”
Another runner moved alongside him.
“Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?”
“Oh, yes” our friend answered breathlessly.
“That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!”
Two Hillbillies sitting in a Diner
In a school science class four worms
21.
A teacher is going over farming tools with an inner-city class who’d never seen them.
“Children, does anybody know what this is?”
Little girl puts up her hand. “That’s a rake!”
“Very good, Sally. And who knows what this is?”
Little boy puts up his hand. “That’s a shovel!”
“Very good, Timmy. It’s a shovel. And what about this one?”
Children stare at the picture, but nobody raises their hand. “Well, class.
This is what’s known as a hoe. It’s used for-“
Little Johnny pipes up. “That ain’t no hoe!
My sister’s a hoe, and she don’t look nothing like that!”
A guy finds his dog with the neighbor’s pet
A restaurant manager is closing up for the night
A teacher is going over farming tools with an inner-city class who’d never seen them.
“Children, does anybody know what this is?”
Little girl puts up her hand. “That’s a rake!”
“Very good, Sally. And who knows what this is?”
Little boy puts up his hand. “That’s a shovel!”
“Very good, Timmy. It’s a shovel. And what about this one?”
Children stare at the picture, but nobody raises their hand. “Well, class.
This is what’s known as a hoe. It’s used for-“
Little Johnny pipes up. “That ain’t no hoe!
My sister’s a hoe, and she don’t look nothing like that!”
A guy finds his dog with the neighbor’s pet
A restaurant manager is closing up for the night
22.
A teacher in New York decided to honor each of her seniors in high school by telling them the difference they each made.
Using a process developed by He-lice Bridges of Del Mar, California, she called each student to the front of the class, one at a time.
First she told them how the student made a difference to her and the class.
Then she presented each of them with a blue ribbon imprinted with gold letters which read, “Who I Am Makes a Difference.”
Afterwards the teacher decided to do a class project to see what kind of impact recognition would have on a community.
She gave each of the students three more ribbons and instructed them to go out and spread this acknowledgment ceremony.
Then they were to follow up on the results, see who honored whom and report back to the class in about a week.
One of the boys in the class went to a junior executive in a nearby company and honored him for helping him with his career planning.
He gave him a blue ribbon and put it on his shirt.
Then he gave him two extra ribbons, and said, “We’re doing a class project on recognition, and we’d like you to go out, find somebody to honor, give them a blue ribbon, then give them the extra blue ribbon so they can acknowledge a third person to keep this acknowledgment ceremony going.
Then please report back to me and tell me what happened.”
Later that day the junior executive went in to see his boss, who had been noted, by the way, as being kind of a grouchy fellow.
He sat his boss down and he told him that he deeply admired him for being a creative genius.
The boss seemed very surprised.
The junior executive asked him if he would accept the gift of the blue ribbon and would he give him permission to put it on him his surprised boss said,”Well, sure.”
The junior executive took the blue ribbon and placed it right on his boss’s jacket above his heart as he gave him the last extra ribbon, he said,
“Would you do me a favor? Would you take this extra ribbon and pass it on by honoring somebody else?
The young boy who first gave me the ribbons is doing a project in school and we want to keep this recognition ceremony going and find out how it affects people.”
I Just Gotta See This
Nasreddin Hodja was lying in the shade
A teacher in New York decided to honor each of her seniors in high school by telling them the difference they each made.
Using a process developed by He-lice Bridges of Del Mar, California, she called each student to the front of the class, one at a time.
First she told them how the student made a difference to her and the class.
Then she presented each of them with a blue ribbon imprinted with gold letters which read, “Who I Am Makes a Difference.”
Afterwards the teacher decided to do a class project to see what kind of impact recognition would have on a community.
She gave each of the students three more ribbons and instructed them to go out and spread this acknowledgment ceremony.
Then they were to follow up on the results, see who honored whom and report back to the class in about a week.
One of the boys in the class went to a junior executive in a nearby company and honored him for helping him with his career planning.
He gave him a blue ribbon and put it on his shirt.
Then he gave him two extra ribbons, and said, “We’re doing a class project on recognition, and we’d like you to go out, find somebody to honor, give them a blue ribbon, then give them the extra blue ribbon so they can acknowledge a third person to keep this acknowledgment ceremony going.
Then please report back to me and tell me what happened.”
Later that day the junior executive went in to see his boss, who had been noted, by the way, as being kind of a grouchy fellow.
He sat his boss down and he told him that he deeply admired him for being a creative genius.
The boss seemed very surprised.
The junior executive asked him if he would accept the gift of the blue ribbon and would he give him permission to put it on him his surprised boss said,”Well, sure.”
The junior executive took the blue ribbon and placed it right on his boss’s jacket above his heart as he gave him the last extra ribbon, he said,
“Would you do me a favor? Would you take this extra ribbon and pass it on by honoring somebody else?
The young boy who first gave me the ribbons is doing a project in school and we want to keep this recognition ceremony going and find out how it affects people.”
I Just Gotta See This
Nasreddin Hodja was lying in the shade
23.
Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself.
Shirley says, “Sophie, you know I’m shy. Why don’t you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely.”
Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, “Excuse me, mister. I hope I’m not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely.”
“Of course I’m lonely,” he says.
“I’ve spent the past 20 years in prison.”
“You’re kidding! What for?”
“For killing my third wife. I strangled her.”
“What happened to your second wife?”
“I shot her.”
“And, if I may ask, your first wife?”
“We had a fight and she fell off a building.”
“Oh my,” says Sophie.
Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, “Yoo-hoo, Shirley. He’s single.”
A young farm girl answers the door
A blonde went to her doctor
Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself.
Shirley says, “Sophie, you know I’m shy. Why don’t you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely.”
Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, “Excuse me, mister. I hope I’m not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely.”
“Of course I’m lonely,” he says.
“I’ve spent the past 20 years in prison.”
“You’re kidding! What for?”
“For killing my third wife. I strangled her.”
“What happened to your second wife?”
“I shot her.”
“And, if I may ask, your first wife?”
“We had a fight and she fell off a building.”
“Oh my,” says Sophie.
Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, “Yoo-hoo, Shirley. He’s single.”
A young farm girl answers the door
A blonde went to her doctor
24.
A man phones home from his office and tells his wife: “Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It’s the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk shorts. I’ll be home in an hour to pick them up.”
He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off.
A week later he returns.
His wife asks: “Did you have a good trip, dear?”
He says: ” Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk shorts.”
His wife smiles and says, “Oh no I didn’t. I put them in your tackle box!”
A young woman went to her doctor
A grade school teacher was asking students
A man phones home from his office and tells his wife: “Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It’s the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk shorts. I’ll be home in an hour to pick them up.”
He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off.
A week later he returns.
His wife asks: “Did you have a good trip, dear?”
He says: ” Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk shorts.”
His wife smiles and says, “Oh no I didn’t. I put them in your tackle box!”
A young woman went to her doctor
A grade school teacher was asking students
25.
A police officer asks a thief.
“Why did you steal this stranger’s watch?”
The thief replies, “I didn’t steal it — he gave it to me!”
The policeman asks, “When did he give it to you?”
The thief tells him, “When I showed him the gun.”
God save the person
3 men are playing golf
A police officer asks a thief.
“Why did you steal this stranger’s watch?”
The thief replies, “I didn’t steal it — he gave it to me!”
The policeman asks, “When did he give it to you?”
The thief tells him, “When I showed him the gun.”
God save the person
3 men are playing golf
26.
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
“But officer.” the man began, “I can explain”.
“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back…”
“But officer, I just wanted to say….”
“And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”
“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”
A man entered the bus
A teacher asks the kids
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
“But officer.” the man began, “I can explain”.
“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back…”
“But officer, I just wanted to say….”
“And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”
“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”
A man entered the bus
A teacher asks the kids
27.
Ted was a young boy who used to spend all of his time playing sports and making music.
He never went on the computer because his parents forbid him from touching any computer because they knew all the bad stuff you could find on the internet.
Nevertheless, Ted was happy and went on without computers until he got to high school.
All his friends were playing video games and having fun and he started to feel a bit left out, so when he got home one day from school, he begged his mother to get him a computer.
“Please mother, please, all my friends are playing computer games!”
He would cry, but his mother continued to deny him.
1 week later the issue rose again in his friends group at school and everyone was confused why Ted couldn’t play video games with him.
After repetitive failure from his mother, he asked his dad.
“Please father, please, all my friends are playing it!” But his father denied him as well.
Ted was really angry and all he wanted to do was play online with his friends every once in a while.
He thought he’d take matters into his own hands and he stole his fathers computer and hid it in his room.
That night he played with his friends for hours and hours until morning, then he secretly stayed home and played all day.
His dad didn’t notice until that afternoon, when he walked into his office and his computer was missing, so he asked his son Ted if he touched it.
Ted owned up and gave the computer back, but had a tantrum afterwards.
“WHY DON’T I GET TO PLAY WITH MY FRIENDS” he yelled in tears.
Feeling pity, his dad finally bought him a laptop.
Ted was on it 10 hours a day and refused when his parents told him to get off.
After 2 months nothing had changed and his parents started to get worried about his well being.
They approached him to talk about it. Ted agreed, but only if he could play video games whilst they talked.
“So Ted” his mother said, “we’ve been worrying about you lately” “uh-hu” Ted said.
“Seriously son!” His father yelled, “this needs to stop!” “Mhm yep” Ted replied.
“Are you listening to us Ted?” His mother said, but Ted didn’t even reply.
“You know what son?” His father yelled, “you are a tool Ted.”
Three guys are sitting around the campfire
I was playing a big game of hide and seek
Ted was a young boy who used to spend all of his time playing sports and making music.
He never went on the computer because his parents forbid him from touching any computer because they knew all the bad stuff you could find on the internet.
Nevertheless, Ted was happy and went on without computers until he got to high school.
All his friends were playing video games and having fun and he started to feel a bit left out, so when he got home one day from school, he begged his mother to get him a computer.
“Please mother, please, all my friends are playing computer games!”
He would cry, but his mother continued to deny him.
1 week later the issue rose again in his friends group at school and everyone was confused why Ted couldn’t play video games with him.
After repetitive failure from his mother, he asked his dad.
“Please father, please, all my friends are playing it!” But his father denied him as well.
Ted was really angry and all he wanted to do was play online with his friends every once in a while.
He thought he’d take matters into his own hands and he stole his fathers computer and hid it in his room.
That night he played with his friends for hours and hours until morning, then he secretly stayed home and played all day.
His dad didn’t notice until that afternoon, when he walked into his office and his computer was missing, so he asked his son Ted if he touched it.
Ted owned up and gave the computer back, but had a tantrum afterwards.
“WHY DON’T I GET TO PLAY WITH MY FRIENDS” he yelled in tears.
Feeling pity, his dad finally bought him a laptop.
Ted was on it 10 hours a day and refused when his parents told him to get off.
After 2 months nothing had changed and his parents started to get worried about his well being.
They approached him to talk about it. Ted agreed, but only if he could play video games whilst they talked.
“So Ted” his mother said, “we’ve been worrying about you lately” “uh-hu” Ted said.
“Seriously son!” His father yelled, “this needs to stop!” “Mhm yep” Ted replied.
“Are you listening to us Ted?” His mother said, but Ted didn’t even reply.
“You know what son?” His father yelled, “you are a tool Ted.”
Three guys are sitting around the campfire
I was playing a big game of hide and seek
28.
A guy and a girl are lying in a dorm-room bed after just having lovemaking.
The guy lies on his side of the bed and rests.
The girl rolls to her side of the bed and says to herself, “I finally did it! I’m no longer a pure.”
The guy overhears her talking to herself and asks, “Are you saying you lost your privates to me?”
“Well,” the girl explains, “I always wanted to wait until I was with the man I love to lose my purity.”
Astounded, the guy replies, “So you really love me?”
“Oh God no!” the girl says.
“I just got sick of waiting.”
A man and his wife were in restaurant
A mother was reading a book
A guy and a girl are lying in a dorm-room bed after just having lovemaking.
The guy lies on his side of the bed and rests.
The girl rolls to her side of the bed and says to herself, “I finally did it! I’m no longer a pure.”
The guy overhears her talking to herself and asks, “Are you saying you lost your privates to me?”
“Well,” the girl explains, “I always wanted to wait until I was with the man I love to lose my purity.”
Astounded, the guy replies, “So you really love me?”
“Oh God no!” the girl says.
“I just got sick of waiting.”
A man and his wife were in restaurant
A mother was reading a book
29.
There is a blonde, she wants to buy a microwave.
So she goes in and asks the sales clerk, “How much for that microwave?”
The salesclerk replies, “We don’t sell Microwaves to blondes.”
So the next day she dyes her hair red, and goes in and asks the same question.
The sales clerk answers, “we don’t sell microwaves to blondes.”
So the next day she dyes her hair brunette and goes and asks the same question.
The salesclerk replies the same way.
The blonde asks how he knows she is a blonde.
The clerk says, “That isn’t a microwave it’s a TV.”
A woman got on a bus holding a baby
A couple on their wedding night
There is a blonde, she wants to buy a microwave.
So she goes in and asks the sales clerk, “How much for that microwave?”
The salesclerk replies, “We don’t sell Microwaves to blondes.”
So the next day she dyes her hair red, and goes in and asks the same question.
The sales clerk answers, “we don’t sell microwaves to blondes.”
So the next day she dyes her hair brunette and goes and asks the same question.
The salesclerk replies the same way.
The blonde asks how he knows she is a blonde.
The clerk says, “That isn’t a microwave it’s a TV.”
A woman got on a bus holding a baby
A couple on their wedding night
30.
A newlywed couple on their honeymoon prepares to see each other undressed for the first time.
The husband exposes his knotted and twisted feet.
He explains, “I had tolio as a child.”
The wife asks if he means polio.
He says, “No, it only affects the toes.”
He removes his pants and reveals deformed knees.
He admits, “I had kneesles, too.”
Finally, he pulls off his boxers.
In shock, the woman gasps, “Oh no — small cox, too!”
A young couple just married
A old man told a grandson
A newlywed couple on their honeymoon prepares to see each other undressed for the first time.
The husband exposes his knotted and twisted feet.
He explains, “I had tolio as a child.”
The wife asks if he means polio.
He says, “No, it only affects the toes.”
He removes his pants and reveals deformed knees.
He admits, “I had kneesles, too.”
Finally, he pulls off his boxers.
In shock, the woman gasps, “Oh no — small cox, too!”
A young couple just married
A old man told a grandson
Tags:
eng jokes