1.
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had bypass surgery.
He awakened to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked how he was going to pay the bill.
He replied, in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”
The nun asked if he had money in the bank.
He replied, “No money in the bank.”
The nun asked, “Do you have a relative who could help you?”
He said, “Just a spinster sister, who is a nun.”
The nun, slightly perturbed, said, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”
The patient replied, “Then send the bill to my brother-in-law.”
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday
Two old school friends meet on the street
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had bypass surgery.
He awakened to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked how he was going to pay the bill.
He replied, in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”
The nun asked if he had money in the bank.
He replied, “No money in the bank.”
The nun asked, “Do you have a relative who could help you?”
He said, “Just a spinster sister, who is a nun.”
The nun, slightly perturbed, said, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”
The patient replied, “Then send the bill to my brother-in-law.”
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday
Two old school friends meet on the street
2.
A couple attended marriage counseling to resolve communication problems.
The fighting and bickering during the session was so bad the counselor called for a timeout and told them he was ending the session early but had an assignment for the husband.
“John,” the marriage counselor said, “you’re an athletic guy here’s what I want you to do. I want you to jog 10 miles everyday for the next 30 days. At the end of the 30 days call me and let me know how things are going.”
John agreed.
At the end of the 30 days, John called the marriage counselor very excited.
“I did just as you said and I have never felt better in my life!” he exclaimed over the phone.
“Great!” replied the counselor, “And how’s your wife?”
John paused and then replied with agitated dismay, “How should I know, I’m 300 miles from home!”
A little boy asked his dad
A couple are sitting in their living room
A couple attended marriage counseling to resolve communication problems.
The fighting and bickering during the session was so bad the counselor called for a timeout and told them he was ending the session early but had an assignment for the husband.
“John,” the marriage counselor said, “you’re an athletic guy here’s what I want you to do. I want you to jog 10 miles everyday for the next 30 days. At the end of the 30 days call me and let me know how things are going.”
John agreed.
At the end of the 30 days, John called the marriage counselor very excited.
“I did just as you said and I have never felt better in my life!” he exclaimed over the phone.
“Great!” replied the counselor, “And how’s your wife?”
John paused and then replied with agitated dismay, “How should I know, I’m 300 miles from home!”
A little boy asked his dad
A couple are sitting in their living room
3.
A man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep.
Stopping to rest, he tells the shepherd, “I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock.”
The shepherd thinks it over It’s a big flock, so he takes the bet.
“973,” says the man.
The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right.
The shepherd says “OK, I’m a man of my word, take an animal.”
The man picks one up and begins to walk away.
“Wait,” cries the shepherd, “let me have a chance to get even double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation.”
The man agrees.
“You are an accountant for the government,” says the shepherd.
“Amazing!” responds the man.
“You are exactly right! But tell me: how did you deduce that?”
“Well,” says the shepherd, “put down my dog and I will tell you.”
Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya
A married couple is driving along
A man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep.
Stopping to rest, he tells the shepherd, “I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock.”
The shepherd thinks it over It’s a big flock, so he takes the bet.
“973,” says the man.
The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right.
The shepherd says “OK, I’m a man of my word, take an animal.”
The man picks one up and begins to walk away.
“Wait,” cries the shepherd, “let me have a chance to get even double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation.”
The man agrees.
“You are an accountant for the government,” says the shepherd.
“Amazing!” responds the man.
“You are exactly right! But tell me: how did you deduce that?”
“Well,” says the shepherd, “put down my dog and I will tell you.”
Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya
A married couple is driving along
4.
A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father.
He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, “I’m running away from home!”
The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically.
“What if you get hungry?” he asked.
“Then I’ll come home and eat,” bravely declared the child.
“And what if you run out of money?” inquired the father.
“I will come home and get some,” readily replied the child.
The man then made a final attempt, “What if your clothes get dirty?”
“Then I’ll come home and let mommy wash them,” was the reply.
The man shook his head and exclaimed, “This kid is not running away from home, he’s going off to college!”
Two little boys were arguing
A farmer and his wife were laying
A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father.
He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, “I’m running away from home!”
The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically.
“What if you get hungry?” he asked.
“Then I’ll come home and eat,” bravely declared the child.
“And what if you run out of money?” inquired the father.
“I will come home and get some,” readily replied the child.
The man then made a final attempt, “What if your clothes get dirty?”
“Then I’ll come home and let mommy wash them,” was the reply.
The man shook his head and exclaimed, “This kid is not running away from home, he’s going off to college!”
Two little boys were arguing
A farmer and his wife were laying
5.
Dave Smith is on his death bed and knows the end is near his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in London.
He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder to be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready he begins to speak:
“My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.”
“My daughter, Sybil, you take the apartments over in the East end.”
“My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City.”
“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the Thames.”
The nurse and witnesses are blown away they did not realize the extent of his holdings.
As Dave slips away, the nurse says to his wife, “Mrs. Smith, my deepest condolences your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property.”
“Property?” she replies no he had a window cleaning round.
I joined an online dating site and met a girl
A mathematician and plumber
Dave Smith is on his death bed and knows the end is near his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in London.
He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder to be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready he begins to speak:
“My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.”
“My daughter, Sybil, you take the apartments over in the East end.”
“My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City.”
“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the Thames.”
The nurse and witnesses are blown away they did not realize the extent of his holdings.
As Dave slips away, the nurse says to his wife, “Mrs. Smith, my deepest condolences your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property.”
“Property?” she replies no he had a window cleaning round.
I joined an online dating site and met a girl
A mathematician and plumber
6.
A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day.
She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years.
His favorite: a sandwich on Italian bread, made with turkey, American cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo.
The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite.
His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “How’s the sandwich dear?”
Every time he would give the same response, “It tastes fine”.
He would continue eating with a disappointed look on his face.
His wife thinks maybe its time to switch things up a bit.
So the next day, she makes him his normal lunch, only this time, she makes it with ham and cheese, and on wheat bread.
She thought surely he will enjoy this!
The husband enters the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife then asks “How’s the sandwich dear?”
As always, he replies “It tastes fine”.
He would continue eating with a disappointed look on his face.
His wife then thinks maybe she needs to offer him more variety.
So the next day, she makes him a sandwich, only this time it’s made with salami, pepperoni, and extra veggies and vinaigrette dressing.
He walks in the kitchen, takes a bite, and the wife asks, “How’s the sandwich dear?”
As always, he replies “It tastes fine” and continued eating with a disappointed look on his face.
The next day, as lunchtime is getting ready to roll around, his wife was making him lunch.
She was furious at the lack of excitement and enjoyment coming from her husband, so she decides she’s going to make him the most unique sandwich he’s ever had.
She prepares her Italian bread, only this time she toasts it, and almost burns it.
She adds random ingredients like peanut butter, peppers and onions, strawberry jam, turkey, ham, corned beef, some olives and some various seasonings.
She thought “If this doesn’t get a new reaction out of him, nothing will!”
The husband walks into the kitchen, takes a seat, and takes a bite of his sandwich.
All of a sudden, his eyes widen, and he takes two more bites.
Suddenly, he looks up at his wife with the biggest grin he’s ever had.
He chuckled a bit and says “Finally! Something original in this sub!”
A husband and wife get up on Sunday
A wife was in bed with her lover
A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day.
She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years.
His favorite: a sandwich on Italian bread, made with turkey, American cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo.
The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite.
His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “How’s the sandwich dear?”
Every time he would give the same response, “It tastes fine”.
He would continue eating with a disappointed look on his face.
His wife thinks maybe its time to switch things up a bit.
So the next day, she makes him his normal lunch, only this time, she makes it with ham and cheese, and on wheat bread.
She thought surely he will enjoy this!
The husband enters the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife then asks “How’s the sandwich dear?”
As always, he replies “It tastes fine”.
He would continue eating with a disappointed look on his face.
His wife then thinks maybe she needs to offer him more variety.
So the next day, she makes him a sandwich, only this time it’s made with salami, pepperoni, and extra veggies and vinaigrette dressing.
He walks in the kitchen, takes a bite, and the wife asks, “How’s the sandwich dear?”
As always, he replies “It tastes fine” and continued eating with a disappointed look on his face.
The next day, as lunchtime is getting ready to roll around, his wife was making him lunch.
She was furious at the lack of excitement and enjoyment coming from her husband, so she decides she’s going to make him the most unique sandwich he’s ever had.
She prepares her Italian bread, only this time she toasts it, and almost burns it.
She adds random ingredients like peanut butter, peppers and onions, strawberry jam, turkey, ham, corned beef, some olives and some various seasonings.
She thought “If this doesn’t get a new reaction out of him, nothing will!”
The husband walks into the kitchen, takes a seat, and takes a bite of his sandwich.
All of a sudden, his eyes widen, and he takes two more bites.
Suddenly, he looks up at his wife with the biggest grin he’s ever had.
He chuckled a bit and says “Finally! Something original in this sub!”
A husband and wife get up on Sunday
A wife was in bed with her lover
7.
Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window.
Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times.
After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch.
Dylan asked, “Who are you?”
The fat man replied, “I am a genie you have freed from that lamp.”
Dylan questioned, “Oh man, do I get three wishes?”
The genie replied, “Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one.”
Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, “I want to be the best golfer ever.”
The surprised genie said, “You sure?
Most people wish for money, but okay.
Now your wife gets one wish.”
Dylan brought over his wife who wished right away, “I want a million dollars every week of my life.”
The genie said, “Granted. And now for my wish, I have been cramped up in that lamp for many years so its been a while since I’ve been with a woman. I want one day of wild, crazy sex with your wife, Dylan.”
Dylan said, “No way!”
The genie replied, “Not even for a million dollars a week?”
Dylan turned to his wife, who said, “I guess for all that, I should. Well, not until Dylan leaves.”
Dylan said, “Okay, have fun, I guess,” and left.
Dylan’s wife then proceeded to have wild make love for the rest of the day with the genie.
When they were finished, the genie asked how old her husband was.
She said, “Forty-five.”
The Genie laughed and said, “Isn’t he a little old to be believing in genies?”
Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner
They each go into the woods find a bear
Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window.
Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times.
After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch.
Dylan asked, “Who are you?”
The fat man replied, “I am a genie you have freed from that lamp.”
Dylan questioned, “Oh man, do I get three wishes?”
The genie replied, “Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one.”
Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, “I want to be the best golfer ever.”
The surprised genie said, “You sure?
Most people wish for money, but okay.
Now your wife gets one wish.”
Dylan brought over his wife who wished right away, “I want a million dollars every week of my life.”
The genie said, “Granted. And now for my wish, I have been cramped up in that lamp for many years so its been a while since I’ve been with a woman. I want one day of wild, crazy sex with your wife, Dylan.”
Dylan said, “No way!”
The genie replied, “Not even for a million dollars a week?”
Dylan turned to his wife, who said, “I guess for all that, I should. Well, not until Dylan leaves.”
Dylan said, “Okay, have fun, I guess,” and left.
Dylan’s wife then proceeded to have wild make love for the rest of the day with the genie.
When they were finished, the genie asked how old her husband was.
She said, “Forty-five.”
The Genie laughed and said, “Isn’t he a little old to be believing in genies?”
Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner
They each go into the woods find a bear
8.
Three ladies walked into a bar. One brunette, one redhead, and one blonde.
They went to the tender and he said:” theres a magic mirror in the bathroom, if you tell the truth in front of it you will walk away with whatever you wish for.
If you lie however, you will disappear forever”
The three ladies one by one went to the mirror and gave their “truths”
Brunette: I think im smart! The brunette walked out with million dollars
Redhead: My dog is my bestie.
The redhead walked out with a ticket for a life time supply of dogfood.
A boy is visiting his girlfriend’s parents
There are several men sitting
Three ladies walked into a bar. One brunette, one redhead, and one blonde.
They went to the tender and he said:” theres a magic mirror in the bathroom, if you tell the truth in front of it you will walk away with whatever you wish for.
If you lie however, you will disappear forever”
The three ladies one by one went to the mirror and gave their “truths”
Brunette: I think im smart! The brunette walked out with million dollars
Redhead: My dog is my bestie.
The redhead walked out with a ticket for a life time supply of dogfood.
A boy is visiting his girlfriend’s parents
There are several men sitting
9.
An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldom saw many people.
One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy anything.
“Well, my wife ain’t home, she’s gone down to the crick to wash clothes, but lemme see what you got,” said the man.
The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn’t interested.
Then the man spotted a mirror and said, “What’s that?”
Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said, “My God how’d you get a picture of my Pappy?”
The old man was so happy, he traded his wife’s best pitcher for it.
The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale.
The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her best pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some boxes of junk.
He would go out to the barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the “picture” and eventually the wife got suspicious.
One day she got fed up and after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn.
She saw the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said, “so this is the hussy he’s been fooling around with!”
He picked up the phone
A little boy comes down for breakfast
An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldom saw many people.
One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy anything.
“Well, my wife ain’t home, she’s gone down to the crick to wash clothes, but lemme see what you got,” said the man.
The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn’t interested.
Then the man spotted a mirror and said, “What’s that?”
Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said, “My God how’d you get a picture of my Pappy?”
The old man was so happy, he traded his wife’s best pitcher for it.
The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale.
The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her best pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some boxes of junk.
He would go out to the barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the “picture” and eventually the wife got suspicious.
One day she got fed up and after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn.
She saw the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said, “so this is the hussy he’s been fooling around with!”
He picked up the phone
A little boy comes down for breakfast
10.
Three ladies were on a flight when suddenly the captain announced “Please prepare for a crash landing.”
The first lady put on all her jewelry.
Surprised by this the other ladies questioned her actions.
The first lady replied, well when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich and will rescue me first.
The second lady not wanting to be left behind, began to take off her top and corset.
Why are you doing that the other ladies questioned, well when they come to rescue us they will see my great melons
and will take me first.
The third lady who was African not wanting to be out done took off her pants and underwear.
Why are you doing that the other ladies questioned, well they always search for the black box first.
A firefighter is working on the engine
A accountant is in a car travelling with a farmer
Three ladies were on a flight when suddenly the captain announced “Please prepare for a crash landing.”
The first lady put on all her jewelry.
Surprised by this the other ladies questioned her actions.
The first lady replied, well when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich and will rescue me first.
The second lady not wanting to be left behind, began to take off her top and corset.
Why are you doing that the other ladies questioned, well when they come to rescue us they will see my great melons
and will take me first.
The third lady who was African not wanting to be out done took off her pants and underwear.
Why are you doing that the other ladies questioned, well they always search for the black box first.
A firefighter is working on the engine
A accountant is in a car travelling with a farmer
11.
Little Johnny, 6 years old, gets home from school.
He had his first family planning lesson at school.
His mother, is very interested and she asks, “How did it go?”
“I died of shame” he answers!
Annie from over the road, says that the stork brings babies.
Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage.
Timmy in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital.
His mother answers laughingly “But that’s no reason to be ashamed?”
“No, but I can’t tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!”
A drunk staggers into a diner and orders
Ethel and Mabel two elderly widows
Little Johnny, 6 years old, gets home from school.
He had his first family planning lesson at school.
His mother, is very interested and she asks, “How did it go?”
“I died of shame” he answers!
Annie from over the road, says that the stork brings babies.
Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage.
Timmy in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital.
His mother answers laughingly “But that’s no reason to be ashamed?”
“No, but I can’t tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!”
A drunk staggers into a diner and orders
Ethel and Mabel two elderly widows
12.
A husband asks his wife, “Will you marry after I die?”
The wife responds, “No, I will live with my sister.”
The wife asks him back, “Will you marry after I die?”
The husband responds, “No, I will also live with your sister.”
A mother comes home from work
A man and a woman are sleeping
A husband asks his wife, “Will you marry after I die?”
The wife responds, “No, I will live with my sister.”
The wife asks him back, “Will you marry after I die?”
The husband responds, “No, I will also live with your sister.”
A mother comes home from work
A man and a woman are sleeping
13.
One nun was called Sister Mathematical because of her gift for numbers and the other nun was called Sister Logical because of her gift for reasoning.
They soon noticed that a man was following them.
They would speed up, and he would speed up they would stop, and he would stop.
Sister Mathematical started to become afraid.
“Oh dear… this man has been chasing us for 2.5 blocks now! What does he want?”
“It’s only logical,” Sister Logical replied.
“He wants to have his way with us.”
“Oh dear God!” Sister Mathematical exclaimed.
They tried to move as fast as they could, but the man was gaining on them.
“In 3.5 minutes, he will be upon us!” Sister Mathematical shrieked.
“What do we do?”
“Oh, that’s logical,” Sister Logical said calmly.
“You and I will have to split up you run one way to the convent, and I will join you there.”
Without asking another question, the nuns split up.
Sister Mathematical, who could run faster, made it to the convent while the man took off after Sister Logical.
A few minutes after Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent, Sister Logical entered.
“Sister, I am so glad to see you,” Sister Mathematical gasped.
“It took you 7.6 minutes longer to get home I was so worried! How in heaven’s name did you escape?”
“Oh that’s logical,” Sister Logical began, catching her breath.
“He got to me and grabbed me I knew what he wanted so, I pulled up my habit.”
“Oh dear, Sister then what?”
“He pulled down his pants…”
“Oh, Sister!” Sister Mathematical exclaimed.
“Then what happened?!”
“Well, that’s logical,” Sister Logical explained.
“A nun with her habit up can run a lot faster than a man with his pants down!”
Two Government maintenance guys
A large bag of money
One nun was called Sister Mathematical because of her gift for numbers and the other nun was called Sister Logical because of her gift for reasoning.
They soon noticed that a man was following them.
They would speed up, and he would speed up they would stop, and he would stop.
Sister Mathematical started to become afraid.
“Oh dear… this man has been chasing us for 2.5 blocks now! What does he want?”
“It’s only logical,” Sister Logical replied.
“He wants to have his way with us.”
“Oh dear God!” Sister Mathematical exclaimed.
They tried to move as fast as they could, but the man was gaining on them.
“In 3.5 minutes, he will be upon us!” Sister Mathematical shrieked.
“What do we do?”
“Oh, that’s logical,” Sister Logical said calmly.
“You and I will have to split up you run one way to the convent, and I will join you there.”
Without asking another question, the nuns split up.
Sister Mathematical, who could run faster, made it to the convent while the man took off after Sister Logical.
A few minutes after Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent, Sister Logical entered.
“Sister, I am so glad to see you,” Sister Mathematical gasped.
“It took you 7.6 minutes longer to get home I was so worried! How in heaven’s name did you escape?”
“Oh that’s logical,” Sister Logical began, catching her breath.
“He got to me and grabbed me I knew what he wanted so, I pulled up my habit.”
“Oh dear, Sister then what?”
“He pulled down his pants…”
“Oh, Sister!” Sister Mathematical exclaimed.
“Then what happened?!”
“Well, that’s logical,” Sister Logical explained.
“A nun with her habit up can run a lot faster than a man with his pants down!”
Two Government maintenance guys
A large bag of money
14.
A plane crashes
The only survivor is a flight atendant.
She finds herself on a deserted island and after a while gets really hot so she takes her shirt off exposing her cleavege. She sees smoke nearby and arives to see a man cooking some meat.
-Where are you from ?- She asks him
-Great Britian.- He replies.
-How long have you been here ?-
-Fifteen years.-
-Well could you give me some of that meat ? Im mighty hungry.-
-Oh yeah and what will you give me in return ?-
-Something you havent seen in fifteen years.-
She takes off her b*a and the two start kissing as one thing leads to another.
After they finish they lay on the cool evening sand covered only by a thin cloth blanket, the man sits up looks at the beautiful women laying next to him he asks her:
-Now where is the tea that you promised ?-
A ventriloquist was performing at a club
Two Hillbillies sitting in a Diner
A plane crashes
The only survivor is a flight atendant.
She finds herself on a deserted island and after a while gets really hot so she takes her shirt off exposing her cleavege. She sees smoke nearby and arives to see a man cooking some meat.
-Where are you from ?- She asks him
-Great Britian.- He replies.
-How long have you been here ?-
-Fifteen years.-
-Well could you give me some of that meat ? Im mighty hungry.-
-Oh yeah and what will you give me in return ?-
-Something you havent seen in fifteen years.-
She takes off her b*a and the two start kissing as one thing leads to another.
After they finish they lay on the cool evening sand covered only by a thin cloth blanket, the man sits up looks at the beautiful women laying next to him he asks her:
-Now where is the tea that you promised ?-
A ventriloquist was performing at a club
Two Hillbillies sitting in a Diner
15.
Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Larry asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?”
His father replied, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.”
Larry, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the Milkman wants to buy Mom.”
A couple returns from their honeymoon
A elderly couple sitting down to lunch
Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Larry asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?”
His father replied, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.”
Larry, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the Milkman wants to buy Mom.”
A couple returns from their honeymoon
A elderly couple sitting down to lunch
16.
No way man. It’s just it’s just ice cream. Furiously cleans mouth. …I just made this one up. Promise!
Sunny day. Penguin driving down the road. Hears a thump thump from wheel.
Pulls into garage. Take a look at this please.
Ok. Will take a few mins. Go for a walk Penguin.
Sunny day. Penguin get an ice cream.
Waddles around. Bit of window shopping.
Goes back to garage. What’s the story with vehicle garage man? Penguin family at home.
Need to go back and take turn on egg.
Well it looks like you blew a seal…
Cue laughter and cheers …..
My friend has trouble attracting women
An older woman gets pulled over for speeding
No way man. It’s just it’s just ice cream. Furiously cleans mouth. …I just made this one up. Promise!
Sunny day. Penguin driving down the road. Hears a thump thump from wheel.
Pulls into garage. Take a look at this please.
Ok. Will take a few mins. Go for a walk Penguin.
Sunny day. Penguin get an ice cream.
Waddles around. Bit of window shopping.
Goes back to garage. What’s the story with vehicle garage man? Penguin family at home.
Need to go back and take turn on egg.
Well it looks like you blew a seal…
Cue laughter and cheers …..
My friend has trouble attracting women
An older woman gets pulled over for speeding
17.
A blonde was hard up for money, so she walked around her neighborhood, trying to find a job.
She met a nice man who said he would give her work.
All she had to do was paint his porch white.
He gave her a bucket of paint and left.
He walked into his house, laughing.
He told his wife what he had done.
“Frank, our porch covers half of the house! You’re so mean.” his wife replied.
Three hours later, the blonde went in the house, and gave the bucket of white paint back to the man.
The astonished man handed her a $100 bill, and asked how she finished it so quickly.
“It takes time, but it was easy.” was her reply.
“Oh, and it’s a Ferrari, not a Porsche.”
A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing
Mrs. O’Henry was talking to her husband
A blonde was hard up for money, so she walked around her neighborhood, trying to find a job.
She met a nice man who said he would give her work.
All she had to do was paint his porch white.
He gave her a bucket of paint and left.
He walked into his house, laughing.
He told his wife what he had done.
“Frank, our porch covers half of the house! You’re so mean.” his wife replied.
Three hours later, the blonde went in the house, and gave the bucket of white paint back to the man.
The astonished man handed her a $100 bill, and asked how she finished it so quickly.
“It takes time, but it was easy.” was her reply.
“Oh, and it’s a Ferrari, not a Porsche.”
A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing
Mrs. O’Henry was talking to her husband
18.
A disciple who loved and admired his teacher decided to observe his behavior minutely, believing that if he did everything that his teacher did, then he would also acquire his teacher’s wisdom.
The teacher always wore white, and so his disciple did the same.
The teacher was a vegetarian, and so his disciple stopped eating meat and replaced it with a diet of vegetables and herbs.
The teacher was an austere man, and so the disciple decided to devote himself to self-sacrifice and started sleeping on a straw mattress.
After some time, the teacher noticed these changes in his disciple’s behavior and asked him why.
‘I am climbing the steps of initiation,’ came the reply.
‘The white of my clothes shows the simplicity of my search, the vegetarian food purifies my body, and the lack of comfort makes me think only of spiritual things.’
Smiling, the teacher took him to a field where a horse was grazing.
‘You have spent all this time looking outside yourself, which is what matters least,’ he said.
‘Do you see that creature there? He has white skin, eats only grass and sleeps in a stable on a straw bed.
Do you think he has the face of a saint or will one day become a real teacher?’
A elephant wandered into a forest
A Irishman was drinking in a bar
A disciple who loved and admired his teacher decided to observe his behavior minutely, believing that if he did everything that his teacher did, then he would also acquire his teacher’s wisdom.
The teacher always wore white, and so his disciple did the same.
The teacher was a vegetarian, and so his disciple stopped eating meat and replaced it with a diet of vegetables and herbs.
The teacher was an austere man, and so the disciple decided to devote himself to self-sacrifice and started sleeping on a straw mattress.
After some time, the teacher noticed these changes in his disciple’s behavior and asked him why.
‘I am climbing the steps of initiation,’ came the reply.
‘The white of my clothes shows the simplicity of my search, the vegetarian food purifies my body, and the lack of comfort makes me think only of spiritual things.’
Smiling, the teacher took him to a field where a horse was grazing.
‘You have spent all this time looking outside yourself, which is what matters least,’ he said.
‘Do you see that creature there? He has white skin, eats only grass and sleeps in a stable on a straw bed.
Do you think he has the face of a saint or will one day become a real teacher?’
A elephant wandered into a forest
A Irishman was drinking in a bar
19.
Sam called his wife and said to her in a weak voice, “Hey baby, I was driving to a coffee shop to meet Mary when all of a sudden, a stray dog came in the way.
I tried to steer left to avoid running it down, but the car skidded due to high speed, rolled over and almost ran off the cliff.
The car was hanging nose down over the cliff, as I looked down fearing impending death.
“I just managed to climb out of the car and save my life, just before the car fell over the cliff crashing thousands of feet below and was blown into smithereens.”
Sam continued, “I was taken to a hospital. I have a broken leg, broken jaw, dislocated shoulder and several injuries on my head.”
There was silence on the phone, then the wife asked, “Who is Mary?”
A couple was going out
A wife come home from a shopping
Sam called his wife and said to her in a weak voice, “Hey baby, I was driving to a coffee shop to meet Mary when all of a sudden, a stray dog came in the way.
I tried to steer left to avoid running it down, but the car skidded due to high speed, rolled over and almost ran off the cliff.
The car was hanging nose down over the cliff, as I looked down fearing impending death.
“I just managed to climb out of the car and save my life, just before the car fell over the cliff crashing thousands of feet below and was blown into smithereens.”
Sam continued, “I was taken to a hospital. I have a broken leg, broken jaw, dislocated shoulder and several injuries on my head.”
There was silence on the phone, then the wife asked, “Who is Mary?”
A couple was going out
A wife come home from a shopping
20.
A woman goes to the supermarket.
She starts walking up and down the aisles.
Each aisle she goes to she touches her head, her ears, her melons, and her privet part.
After doing this a number of times a man approaches her and ask if she is having a problem.
She tells him no.
He says that he would like to know what she is doing at the beginning of each aisle.
She says she is trying to remember her grocery list.
He seems puzzles and asks for an explanation, so she goes thru the motions again.
She touches her head and says, “Head of lettuce.”
Ears. “Two ears of corn.”
Breasts. “Two chicken front.”
Crotch: “Fantastic.”
A employee sits in his office
The husband returns after several hours of fishing
A woman goes to the supermarket.
She starts walking up and down the aisles.
Each aisle she goes to she touches her head, her ears, her melons, and her privet part.
After doing this a number of times a man approaches her and ask if she is having a problem.
She tells him no.
He says that he would like to know what she is doing at the beginning of each aisle.
She says she is trying to remember her grocery list.
He seems puzzles and asks for an explanation, so she goes thru the motions again.
She touches her head and says, “Head of lettuce.”
Ears. “Two ears of corn.”
Breasts. “Two chicken front.”
Crotch: “Fantastic.”
A employee sits in his office
The husband returns after several hours of fishing
21.
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot.
The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, “The parrot on the left costs $500.”
“Why does the parrot cost so much?” asks the customer.
The owner says, “Well, the parrot knows how to do legal research.”
The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case.
Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third parrot, to be told that it costs $4,000.
Needless to say, this aroused the question, “What can it do?”
To which the owner replies, “To be honest, I’ve never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner.”
The husband and wife have a quarrel
A man working in an IT company
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot.
The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, “The parrot on the left costs $500.”
“Why does the parrot cost so much?” asks the customer.
The owner says, “Well, the parrot knows how to do legal research.”
The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case.
Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third parrot, to be told that it costs $4,000.
Needless to say, this aroused the question, “What can it do?”
To which the owner replies, “To be honest, I’ve never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner.”
The husband and wife have a quarrel
A man working in an IT company
22.
An old man accidentally crashed his car into a very expensive automobile.
The owner of the expensive automobile jumps out and confronts the old man and says
“Give me $10,000 cash or I will beat you to a pulp!”
The old man replies, “Woah, wait buddy, I don’t have that much money but let me call my son, he trains dolphins.”
The old man dials his son and as he is about to speak, the owner of the expensive car yanks the phone out of his hand and says,
“So you train dolphins, well your old man just hit and damaged my car, you bring me $10,000 or I’m gonna beat the heck outta him!”
The son answers “Okay, give me 15 minutes and I’ll be there.”
In exactly 15 minutes the son pulls up in a Jeep, Ten men jump out and beat the hell out of the expensive car owner.
Meanwhile the son walks over to his father and says, “Dad I train Navy Seals not Dolphins.”
Two men are working on a telephone pole
A old man was in the hospital
An old man accidentally crashed his car into a very expensive automobile.
The owner of the expensive automobile jumps out and confronts the old man and says
“Give me $10,000 cash or I will beat you to a pulp!”
The old man replies, “Woah, wait buddy, I don’t have that much money but let me call my son, he trains dolphins.”
The old man dials his son and as he is about to speak, the owner of the expensive car yanks the phone out of his hand and says,
“So you train dolphins, well your old man just hit and damaged my car, you bring me $10,000 or I’m gonna beat the heck outta him!”
The son answers “Okay, give me 15 minutes and I’ll be there.”
In exactly 15 minutes the son pulls up in a Jeep, Ten men jump out and beat the hell out of the expensive car owner.
Meanwhile the son walks over to his father and says, “Dad I train Navy Seals not Dolphins.”
Two men are working on a telephone pole
A old man was in the hospital
23.
A philosophy professor stood before his class with some items on the table in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, about 2 inches in diameter.
He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was so the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.
He shook the jar lightly the pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full they agreed it was.
The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar of course, the sand filled up the remaining open areas of the jar.
He then asked once more if the jar was full the students responded with a unanimous “Yes.”
“Now,” said the professor, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The rocks are the important things – your family, your partner, your health, your children – things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter – like your job, your house, your car.
The sand is everything else, the small stuff.”
“If you put the sand into the jar first,” he continued, “there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks same goes for your life.
If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play with your children take your partner out dancing.
There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party, or fix the disposal.”
“Take care of the rocks first – the things that really matter set your priorities the rest is just sand.”
It was no ordinary watch
Hodja had a dream
A philosophy professor stood before his class with some items on the table in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, about 2 inches in diameter.
He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was so the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.
He shook the jar lightly the pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full they agreed it was.
The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar of course, the sand filled up the remaining open areas of the jar.
He then asked once more if the jar was full the students responded with a unanimous “Yes.”
“Now,” said the professor, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The rocks are the important things – your family, your partner, your health, your children – things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter – like your job, your house, your car.
The sand is everything else, the small stuff.”
“If you put the sand into the jar first,” he continued, “there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks same goes for your life.
If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play with your children take your partner out dancing.
There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party, or fix the disposal.”
“Take care of the rocks first – the things that really matter set your priorities the rest is just sand.”
It was no ordinary watch
Hodja had a dream
24.
A young couple with a box of rubber pack proceeded to do the wild thing.
When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six rubber remaining in the box of 12,
so she asked him,
“What happened to the other five rubber pack?”
His nervous reply was,
“Errr, I masturbated with them.”
Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, “Have you ever done that?”
“Yeah, once or twice,” he told her.
“You mean you’ve actually masturbated with a rubber pack before?” she asked.
“Oh,” he said, “I thought you were asking if I’d ever lied to my girlfriend.”
A man is working in a weapon store
Jones who had been away on an extended trip
A young couple with a box of rubber pack proceeded to do the wild thing.
When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six rubber remaining in the box of 12,
so she asked him,
“What happened to the other five rubber pack?”
His nervous reply was,
“Errr, I masturbated with them.”
Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, “Have you ever done that?”
“Yeah, once or twice,” he told her.
“You mean you’ve actually masturbated with a rubber pack before?” she asked.
“Oh,” he said, “I thought you were asking if I’d ever lied to my girlfriend.”
A man is working in a weapon store
Jones who had been away on an extended trip
25.
If you’re ever feeling a bit too sure of yourself after drinking, just think back on this story!
A wife goes out for the night with her girlfriends just before she leaves, she assures her husband that she won’t be home any later than midnight: “I promise, honey.”
Unfortunately, that night happened to be ladies’ night, which meant the c*cktails were only half the usual price.
She had a great time, and before she knew it it had gotten really late.
As she finally arrives home, she closes the door just a little too loudly behind her. She quickly checks her watch.
Damn, it’s almost 3 o’clock in the night.
I probably woke up my husband with the slamming door and now he’s gonna hear the cuckoo-clock strike three.
Wait, I got it, I’ll wait here for the clock to strike and then add 9 extra cuckoos.
He’ll think it’s just 12 o’clock!
She does exactly as planned. As the hour strikes, she performs the extra cuckoos with the skill of an absolute master.
She goes to bed feeling satisfied that her little scam had worked – even totally drunk she had managed to avoid a fight.
Mick Says To Paddy
The Hunter And A Bear
If you’re ever feeling a bit too sure of yourself after drinking, just think back on this story!
A wife goes out for the night with her girlfriends just before she leaves, she assures her husband that she won’t be home any later than midnight: “I promise, honey.”
Unfortunately, that night happened to be ladies’ night, which meant the c*cktails were only half the usual price.
She had a great time, and before she knew it it had gotten really late.
As she finally arrives home, she closes the door just a little too loudly behind her. She quickly checks her watch.
Damn, it’s almost 3 o’clock in the night.
I probably woke up my husband with the slamming door and now he’s gonna hear the cuckoo-clock strike three.
Wait, I got it, I’ll wait here for the clock to strike and then add 9 extra cuckoos.
He’ll think it’s just 12 o’clock!
She does exactly as planned. As the hour strikes, she performs the extra cuckoos with the skill of an absolute master.
She goes to bed feeling satisfied that her little scam had worked – even totally drunk she had managed to avoid a fight.
Mick Says To Paddy
The Hunter And A Bear
26.
“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.
“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing,” explains the doctor
“Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does”.
That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking he thinks to himself, “What a perfect opportunity to test her hearing”.
He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks“What’s for dinner honey?
No answer
He moves closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still no answer
He moves even closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still his wife doesn’t answer
He now sees how serious her hearing problem is at this point, he is stood right next to his wife.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
“FOR THE FOURTH DANG TIME ALBERT, WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN!!!”
The Argentinean golfer Robert
The cuckoo clock
“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.
“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing,” explains the doctor
“Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does”.
That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking he thinks to himself, “What a perfect opportunity to test her hearing”.
He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks“What’s for dinner honey?
No answer
He moves closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still no answer
He moves even closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still his wife doesn’t answer
He now sees how serious her hearing problem is at this point, he is stood right next to his wife.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
“FOR THE FOURTH DANG TIME ALBERT, WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN!!!”
The Argentinean golfer Robert
The cuckoo clock
27.
A girl is sitting on the couch with her grandpa and studying the wrinkles on his old face.
She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles.
She touches her own face and looks more puzzled.
Finally the girl asks, “Grandpa, did God make you?”
“He sure did honey, a long time ago,” replies her grandpa.
“Well, did God make me?” asks the girl.
“Yes, He did, and that wasn’t too long ago,” answers her grandpa.
“Boy,” says the little girl, “He’s sure doing a lot better job these days isn’t He?”
They walked down to their old school
A couple were having problems remembering things
A girl is sitting on the couch with her grandpa and studying the wrinkles on his old face.
She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles.
She touches her own face and looks more puzzled.
Finally the girl asks, “Grandpa, did God make you?”
“He sure did honey, a long time ago,” replies her grandpa.
“Well, did God make me?” asks the girl.
“Yes, He did, and that wasn’t too long ago,” answers her grandpa.
“Boy,” says the little girl, “He’s sure doing a lot better job these days isn’t He?”
They walked down to their old school
A couple were having problems remembering things
28.
Shortly after British Airways 293 flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:
Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain.
Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heath row to Toronto.
The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight.
So sit back, relax and OH, MY GOD!
Silence followed!
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
‘Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you.
While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap.
You should see the front of my pants!’
One passenger yelled, ‘For God’s sake, you should see the back of mine!’
A elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank
A man from Texas is vacationing in Mexico
Shortly after British Airways 293 flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:
Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain.
Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heath row to Toronto.
The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight.
So sit back, relax and OH, MY GOD!
Silence followed!
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
‘Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you.
While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap.
You should see the front of my pants!’
One passenger yelled, ‘For God’s sake, you should see the back of mine!’
A elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank
A man from Texas is vacationing in Mexico
29.
A young man was sitting in his office on the thirteenth floor, when someone came by and shouted: “Laloo, your daughter Sweety is badly injured in accident!”
Not knowing what to do, the young man jumped out of his office window in a panic.
While coming down when he was at tenth floor, he remembered he had no daughter named Sweety.
When he was near the fifth floor he remembered he was not married.
When he was about to hit the ground he remembered he was not Laloo.
I just won the lottery
The teacher asks to her student
A young man was sitting in his office on the thirteenth floor, when someone came by and shouted: “Laloo, your daughter Sweety is badly injured in accident!”
Not knowing what to do, the young man jumped out of his office window in a panic.
While coming down when he was at tenth floor, he remembered he had no daughter named Sweety.
When he was near the fifth floor he remembered he was not married.
When he was about to hit the ground he remembered he was not Laloo.
I just won the lottery
The teacher asks to her student
30.
Four strangers traveled together in the same compartment of a European train.
Two men and two women faced each other.
One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 75-year-old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry.
Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen years old, who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine.
Across from the older lady was a man in his late-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army.
And next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.
As these four strangers traveled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.
In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.
The older lady was thinking, “Isn’t it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?”
The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, “Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I’m sitting here?”
The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.
And the private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, “What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!”
A beautiful woman goes to a gynecologist
A lawyer is talking to his client
Four strangers traveled together in the same compartment of a European train.
Two men and two women faced each other.
One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 75-year-old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry.
Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen years old, who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine.
Across from the older lady was a man in his late-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army.
And next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.
As these four strangers traveled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.
In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.
The older lady was thinking, “Isn’t it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?”
The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, “Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I’m sitting here?”
The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.
And the private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, “What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!”
A beautiful woman goes to a gynecologist
A lawyer is talking to his client
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eng jokes