1.
One day, he told his problem to a friend he worked with at Walmart.
His friend told him, “There is a possibility to make the truck easier to sell, but it’s not legal.”
“That doesn’t matter,” replied Billy Bob, “I really need to sell the truck.”
“Okay,” said Billy Bob’s friend.
“Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a repair shop tell him I sent you and he will turn the odometer in your truck back to 50,000 miles then it should not be a problem to sell it anymore.”
The following weekend, Billy Bob made the trip to the mechanic.
Two weeks later the friend asked Billy Bob, “Did you sell your truck?”
“No,” replied Billy Bob, “Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!”
A milkman who is dying in the hospital
I joined an online dating site and met a girl
One day, he told his problem to a friend he worked with at Walmart.
His friend told him, “There is a possibility to make the truck easier to sell, but it’s not legal.”
“That doesn’t matter,” replied Billy Bob, “I really need to sell the truck.”
“Okay,” said Billy Bob’s friend.
“Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a repair shop tell him I sent you and he will turn the odometer in your truck back to 50,000 miles then it should not be a problem to sell it anymore.”
The following weekend, Billy Bob made the trip to the mechanic.
Two weeks later the friend asked Billy Bob, “Did you sell your truck?”
“No,” replied Billy Bob, “Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!”
A milkman who is dying in the hospital
I joined an online dating site and met a girl
2.
An elderly Pope goes to New York and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine.
When he sees the car, he motions to the driver and says:
“Do you mind if I ask you a favour?”
“A favour for the Pope??” exclaims the driver, “of course – anything!”
“You know, I hardly ever get to drive, and I’d really like it if I got to drive now. Would you please let me?”
The thought of the Pope getting behind the wheel scared the driver – what if he got into an accident?
On the other hand, the driver felt that he couldn’t say no to the Pope himself, so he reluctantly obliged and let His Holiness get behind the wheel.
To his utter dismay, the Pope turns the key, lights up the limousine’s rear tires and speeds up like a maniac!
After driving in excess of 100 mph in a 45 mph zone, a police car drives up alongside them and orders them to stop immediately.
The Pope slams on the brakes and comes to a dead stop, as does the pursuing police officer.
The police officer emerges from his vehicle, briefly peers through the limousine’s window, then hurriedly steps back in.
His sergeant got this call:
Cop: “Sir, I have a problem.”
Sergeant: “What kind of problem?”
Cop: “Well, I pulled over this driver for speeding, but he’s someone really important.”
Sergeant: “Important like… the mayor?”
Cop: “No, no – a lot more important than that.”
Sergeant: “Important like… the governor?”
Cop: “Way more important than that, Sarge.”
Sergeant: “Important like… the President?”
Cop: “Even more important than him.”
Sergeant: “Who’s more important than the President?”
Cop: “I don’t know sarge, but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!”
The rat was in the middle
I need a tooth pulled
An elderly Pope goes to New York and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine.
When he sees the car, he motions to the driver and says:
“Do you mind if I ask you a favour?”
“A favour for the Pope??” exclaims the driver, “of course – anything!”
“You know, I hardly ever get to drive, and I’d really like it if I got to drive now. Would you please let me?”
The thought of the Pope getting behind the wheel scared the driver – what if he got into an accident?
On the other hand, the driver felt that he couldn’t say no to the Pope himself, so he reluctantly obliged and let His Holiness get behind the wheel.
To his utter dismay, the Pope turns the key, lights up the limousine’s rear tires and speeds up like a maniac!
After driving in excess of 100 mph in a 45 mph zone, a police car drives up alongside them and orders them to stop immediately.
The Pope slams on the brakes and comes to a dead stop, as does the pursuing police officer.
The police officer emerges from his vehicle, briefly peers through the limousine’s window, then hurriedly steps back in.
His sergeant got this call:
Cop: “Sir, I have a problem.”
Sergeant: “What kind of problem?”
Cop: “Well, I pulled over this driver for speeding, but he’s someone really important.”
Sergeant: “Important like… the mayor?”
Cop: “No, no – a lot more important than that.”
Sergeant: “Important like… the governor?”
Cop: “Way more important than that, Sarge.”
Sergeant: “Important like… the President?”
Cop: “Even more important than him.”
Sergeant: “Who’s more important than the President?”
Cop: “I don’t know sarge, but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!”
The rat was in the middle
I need a tooth pulled
3.
One day after the service a little boy approached the parish priest with a question:
Little Boy: “Father I heard you once say that we all came from dust”
Parish priest, “That’s right I did say that”.
Little boy: “And Father I heard you say that when we die we go back to dust.”
Parish Priest: “That’s right I did say that, I am glad you were listening so very well”.
Little Boy: “Well Father I think you should come to my place and look under my bed because someone is either coming or going!”
Two men were marooned on an Island
The Diaries Of A Married Couple
One day after the service a little boy approached the parish priest with a question:
Little Boy: “Father I heard you once say that we all came from dust”
Parish priest, “That’s right I did say that”.
Little boy: “And Father I heard you say that when we die we go back to dust.”
Parish Priest: “That’s right I did say that, I am glad you were listening so very well”.
Little Boy: “Well Father I think you should come to my place and look under my bed because someone is either coming or going!”
Two men were marooned on an Island
The Diaries Of A Married Couple
4.
One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: “Drinks for all on me including you, bartender.”
So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: “That will be $36.50 please.”
The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender.
Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money.
So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender.
“What, no drink for me?” replies the bartender.
“Oh, no. You get violent when you drink.”
A wealthy boy met a beautiful young girl
Two men died and went to Heaven
One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: “Drinks for all on me including you, bartender.”
So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: “That will be $36.50 please.”
The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender.
Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money.
So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender.
“What, no drink for me?” replies the bartender.
“Oh, no. You get violent when you drink.”
A wealthy boy met a beautiful young girl
Two men died and went to Heaven
5.
Son: “Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don’t know what Politics is.”
Father: “Well, let’s take our home as an example.
I am the bread-winner, so let’s call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we’ll call her Government.
We take care of your needs, so let’s call you The People.
We’ll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future.
Do you understand son?”
Son: “I’m not really sure, Dad. I’ll have to think about it.”
That night awakened by his brother’s crying, the boy went to see what was wrong.
Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents’ room and found his mother sound asleep.
He went to the maid’s room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid.
The boy’s knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.
The next morning he reported to his father.
Son: “Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is.”
Father: “Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?”
Son: “Well Dad, while Capitalism is lovemaking the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and The Future is in deep shit
A flat-chested young lady
Man looks at his friend
Son: “Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don’t know what Politics is.”
Father: “Well, let’s take our home as an example.
I am the bread-winner, so let’s call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we’ll call her Government.
We take care of your needs, so let’s call you The People.
We’ll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future.
Do you understand son?”
Son: “I’m not really sure, Dad. I’ll have to think about it.”
That night awakened by his brother’s crying, the boy went to see what was wrong.
Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents’ room and found his mother sound asleep.
He went to the maid’s room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid.
The boy’s knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.
The next morning he reported to his father.
Son: “Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is.”
Father: “Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?”
Son: “Well Dad, while Capitalism is lovemaking the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and The Future is in deep shit
A flat-chested young lady
Man looks at his friend
6.
A man owns a rabbit farm and is known around the world for his rabbits who can lift more than any man.
A little boy asks him “How do you keep your rabbits so strong?”
The man replies, “It’s no secret.”
He pulls out a bottle of shampoo and says, “Keeps your hares strong.”
A old farmer and his wife had a bunch of pigs
A teacher realized that one of his students
A man owns a rabbit farm and is known around the world for his rabbits who can lift more than any man.
A little boy asks him “How do you keep your rabbits so strong?”
The man replies, “It’s no secret.”
He pulls out a bottle of shampoo and says, “Keeps your hares strong.”
A old farmer and his wife had a bunch of pigs
A teacher realized that one of his students
7.
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. “Why so cheap?” she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a night house, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”
The woman thought about this, but decided she wanted the bird anyway.
She took it home, hung the parrot’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.”
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “that’s not so bad.”
When her two teenage daughters returned from school.
The bird saw them and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.”
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.
Moments later, the woman’s husband came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, “New house, new madam, new girls old clients!”
A man walked into a local pharmacy
A beautiful young model boarded a plane
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. “Why so cheap?” she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a night house, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”
The woman thought about this, but decided she wanted the bird anyway.
She took it home, hung the parrot’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.”
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “that’s not so bad.”
When her two teenage daughters returned from school.
The bird saw them and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.”
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.
Moments later, the woman’s husband came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, “New house, new madam, new girls old clients!”
A man walked into a local pharmacy
A beautiful young model boarded a plane
8.
Dave took Mary out for a romantic dinner where the conversation turned to the subject of marriage.
Dave had been saving for an engagement ring, but he was in graduate school and in dire need of a new computer.
Mary was understanding, telling Dave they had the rest of their lives to get engaged, so he should use his savings to buy a computer instead.
During dessert, Dave suddenly reached into his pocket and pulled out an engagement ring.
Mary was stunned, but after she collected herself, she looked up and prompted:
“Well, don’t you have something to ask me?”
Dave then got down on bended knee.
“Honey,” he said, “Will you buy me a new computer?”
The ninety-five-year-old woman
A man named Marty called his son
Dave took Mary out for a romantic dinner where the conversation turned to the subject of marriage.
Dave had been saving for an engagement ring, but he was in graduate school and in dire need of a new computer.
Mary was understanding, telling Dave they had the rest of their lives to get engaged, so he should use his savings to buy a computer instead.
During dessert, Dave suddenly reached into his pocket and pulled out an engagement ring.
Mary was stunned, but after she collected herself, she looked up and prompted:
“Well, don’t you have something to ask me?”
Dave then got down on bended knee.
“Honey,” he said, “Will you buy me a new computer?”
The ninety-five-year-old woman
A man named Marty called his son
9.
During a class recitation, the teacher asked the students to identify an animal whose name starts with the letter “K”.
Carl raised his hand and answered, “Kangaroo!”
“Very well”, the teacher said.
“What animal’s name begins with the letter “t”? Carl answered again, “Two Kangaroos!”
The teacher reprimanded the little boy for being gamey.
Then asks for other volunteers for his question, “What is the name of an animal that begins with letter “m”.
There was no response from the other kids.
So when Carl threw his right hand in the air, the teacher gave him a chance to recite.
“This better be correct, Carl.”
Carl smiles and whispers quietly, “Maybe a kangaroo?”
Ana sets up her friend Jenny
A old man came to his doctor office
During a class recitation, the teacher asked the students to identify an animal whose name starts with the letter “K”.
Carl raised his hand and answered, “Kangaroo!”
“Very well”, the teacher said.
“What animal’s name begins with the letter “t”? Carl answered again, “Two Kangaroos!”
The teacher reprimanded the little boy for being gamey.
Then asks for other volunteers for his question, “What is the name of an animal that begins with letter “m”.
There was no response from the other kids.
So when Carl threw his right hand in the air, the teacher gave him a chance to recite.
“This better be correct, Carl.”
Carl smiles and whispers quietly, “Maybe a kangaroo?”
Ana sets up her friend Jenny
A old man came to his doctor office
10.
One night a little girl walks in on her parents room while they doing romance.
The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops.
“What are you doing, Mommy?”
The mother too embarrassed to tell her little girl about this so she makes up an answer.
“Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.”
The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.”
The mother has a confused look on her face,
“Why do you say that sweetheart?”
The little girl replies “Because mommy, every time you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner
A little boy walks in on his parents
One night a little girl walks in on her parents room while they doing romance.
The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops.
“What are you doing, Mommy?”
The mother too embarrassed to tell her little girl about this so she makes up an answer.
“Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.”
The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.”
The mother has a confused look on her face,
“Why do you say that sweetheart?”
The little girl replies “Because mommy, every time you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner
A little boy walks in on his parents
11.
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ‘Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.’
The other man said, ‘What is the name of the restaurant?’
The first man thought and thought and finally said, ‘Whats the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that’s red and has thorns.’ ‘Do you mean a rose?’ ‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ‘Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?’
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed
A little girl asked her Mom
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ‘Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.’
The other man said, ‘What is the name of the restaurant?’
The first man thought and thought and finally said, ‘Whats the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that’s red and has thorns.’ ‘Do you mean a rose?’ ‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ‘Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?’
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed
A little girl asked her Mom
12.
A few months after his parents were divorced,
little Johnny passed by his mom’s bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, ”
I need a man, I need a man!”
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning.
When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning.
“Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike.
Dead Donkey
A blonde walked into a department store
A few months after his parents were divorced,
little Johnny passed by his mom’s bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, ”
I need a man, I need a man!”
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning.
When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning.
“Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike.
Dead Donkey
A blonde walked into a department store
13.
The mother came on her little son who was standing thoughtfully before the gooseberry bush in the garden.
She noted that his expression was both puzzled and distressed.
“Why, what’s the matter, little lamb?” she asked tenderly.
“I’m thinkin, mumy,” the boy answered.
“What about, little man?”
“Have gooseberries any legs, mumy?”
“Why, no! Of course not, dear.”
The perplexity passed from the little boy’s face, but the expression of trouble deepened, as he spoke again:
“Then, mumy, I fink I’ve swallowed a catapillar.”
A elderly couple who were childhood
An 18 year old girl tells her Mum
The mother came on her little son who was standing thoughtfully before the gooseberry bush in the garden.
She noted that his expression was both puzzled and distressed.
“Why, what’s the matter, little lamb?” she asked tenderly.
“I’m thinkin, mumy,” the boy answered.
“What about, little man?”
“Have gooseberries any legs, mumy?”
“Why, no! Of course not, dear.”
The perplexity passed from the little boy’s face, but the expression of trouble deepened, as he spoke again:
“Then, mumy, I fink I’ve swallowed a catapillar.”
A elderly couple who were childhood
An 18 year old girl tells her Mum
14.
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,
“Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”
His wife got up, Kissed him ever so gently, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
Two women go out one night
A nun teaching Sunday school
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,
“Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”
His wife got up, Kissed him ever so gently, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
Two women go out one night
A nun teaching Sunday school
15.
A man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife cant hear him.
How bad is it? the doctor asks.
I have no idea, the husband says.
Well, please test her stand 20 feet away from her and say something.
If she doesn’t hear you, get closer and say the same thing.
Keep moving closer and closer and repeating the comment until she does hear you.
That way well have an idea of her range of hearing loss.
So the man goes home and sees his wife in the kitchen chopping up vegetables for dinner.
From 20 feet away: What are we having for dinner? No answer.
From 10 feet: Same thing.
From 5 feet: Same thing.
Finally, hes standing right behind her: What’s for dinner?
She turns around, looks at him and says: For the FOURTH time, BEEF STEW!
A circuit-riding preacher trained his horse
Little Johnny was sitting in class
A man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife cant hear him.
How bad is it? the doctor asks.
I have no idea, the husband says.
Well, please test her stand 20 feet away from her and say something.
If she doesn’t hear you, get closer and say the same thing.
Keep moving closer and closer and repeating the comment until she does hear you.
That way well have an idea of her range of hearing loss.
So the man goes home and sees his wife in the kitchen chopping up vegetables for dinner.
From 20 feet away: What are we having for dinner? No answer.
From 10 feet: Same thing.
From 5 feet: Same thing.
Finally, hes standing right behind her: What’s for dinner?
She turns around, looks at him and says: For the FOURTH time, BEEF STEW!
A circuit-riding preacher trained his horse
Little Johnny was sitting in class
16.
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter:
Mother: ‘What does the cow say?’
Child: ‘Moooo!’
Mother: ‘Great! What does the cat say?’
Child: ‘Meow.’
Mother: ‘Oh, you’re so smart! What does the frog say?’
And this wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, ‘Bud.’
A guy and a girl are lying
A old man and old woman are together
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter:
Mother: ‘What does the cow say?’
Child: ‘Moooo!’
Mother: ‘Great! What does the cat say?’
Child: ‘Meow.’
Mother: ‘Oh, you’re so smart! What does the frog say?’
And this wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, ‘Bud.’
A guy and a girl are lying
A old man and old woman are together
17.
This little kid is walking up the street with his Daddy.
They see two dogs going at it.
The little kid says “Hey daddy what are those doggies doing?”
The father says “Ahh, they’re making a puppy.”
That night the little kid walks in on his mother & father and daddies on top driving it home to mama!
The little kid says “Hey daddy what were you doing with Mommy?”
He says “Oh, we’re making it a baby.”
The kid says, “Turn her over, I want a puppy!”
A wife was in bed with her lover
Grandpa and Johnny are sitting on a bench
This little kid is walking up the street with his Daddy.
They see two dogs going at it.
The little kid says “Hey daddy what are those doggies doing?”
The father says “Ahh, they’re making a puppy.”
That night the little kid walks in on his mother & father and daddies on top driving it home to mama!
The little kid says “Hey daddy what were you doing with Mommy?”
He says “Oh, we’re making it a baby.”
The kid says, “Turn her over, I want a puppy!”
A wife was in bed with her lover
Grandpa and Johnny are sitting on a bench
18.
Two kids are talking to each other.
One says, “I’m really worried. My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I’m worried sick!”
The other kid says, “What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you’ve got it made!”
The first kid says, “What if they try to escape?”
A family enters a large store
A guy went fishing with his friend
Two kids are talking to each other.
One says, “I’m really worried. My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I’m worried sick!”
The other kid says, “What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you’ve got it made!”
The first kid says, “What if they try to escape?”
A family enters a large store
A guy went fishing with his friend
19.
It was their first quarrel.
Johnny was coming off worst until he brought his bride’s family into the argument.
“Your father is an old drunkard,” he stated with venom.
“Your mother is a nagger, and your brother is an idle Iay about”
“Can’t you say one decent thing about my family?” she asked, sarcastically.
Johnny replied: “Yes, just one! They were all opposed to our marriage.”
A couple were in a busy shopping center
A lady went to a doctor
It was their first quarrel.
Johnny was coming off worst until he brought his bride’s family into the argument.
“Your father is an old drunkard,” he stated with venom.
“Your mother is a nagger, and your brother is an idle Iay about”
“Can’t you say one decent thing about my family?” she asked, sarcastically.
Johnny replied: “Yes, just one! They were all opposed to our marriage.”
A couple were in a busy shopping center
A lady went to a doctor
20.
While teaching religion class one morning Sister Bridgette was speaking to her 3rd-grade class and she asked the question, “When you die and go to heaven… which part of your body goes first?
Suzy raised her hand and said, “I think it’s your hands.”
“Why do you think it’s your hands, Suzy?” said Sister.
Susie replied, “Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.”
“What a wonderful answer!” the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “Sister, I think it’s your legs”.
Sister Bridgette looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
“Now Little Johnnie, why would you think it would be your legs?”
Little Johnny said, “Well I walked into mommy and daddy’s bedroom the other night……
Mommy had her legs straight up in the air, and she was saying, “OH GOD, I’M COMING!”.
If daddy hadn’t pinned her down, we’d have lost her!”
The expensive printer photocopier
Larry a local football star
While teaching religion class one morning Sister Bridgette was speaking to her 3rd-grade class and she asked the question, “When you die and go to heaven… which part of your body goes first?
Suzy raised her hand and said, “I think it’s your hands.”
“Why do you think it’s your hands, Suzy?” said Sister.
Susie replied, “Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.”
“What a wonderful answer!” the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “Sister, I think it’s your legs”.
Sister Bridgette looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
“Now Little Johnnie, why would you think it would be your legs?”
Little Johnny said, “Well I walked into mommy and daddy’s bedroom the other night……
Mommy had her legs straight up in the air, and she was saying, “OH GOD, I’M COMING!”.
If daddy hadn’t pinned her down, we’d have lost her!”
The expensive printer photocopier
Larry a local football star
21.
A father was reading a magazine and his little daughter every now and then distracted him.
Trying to keep her busy, he tore out one page on which was printed the map of the world.
He then tore the page into pieces and asked her to go to her room and put them together to make the map again.
He was sure she would take the whole day to get it done.
But the little one came back within minutes with the perfect map.
When he asked how she could do it so quickly, she said,
“Oh… Dad, there is a man’s face on the other side of the paper… I made the face perfect to get the map right.”
She ran outside to play leaving the father surprised.
Reflection: There is always the other side to whatever you experience in this world.
This story indirectly teaches a lesson whenever we come across a challenge or a puzzling situation, look at the other side you will be surprised to see an easy way to tackle the problem.
A Married Couple Are Golfing
Mr Brown was telling his son
A father was reading a magazine and his little daughter every now and then distracted him.
Trying to keep her busy, he tore out one page on which was printed the map of the world.
He then tore the page into pieces and asked her to go to her room and put them together to make the map again.
He was sure she would take the whole day to get it done.
But the little one came back within minutes with the perfect map.
When he asked how she could do it so quickly, she said,
“Oh… Dad, there is a man’s face on the other side of the paper… I made the face perfect to get the map right.”
She ran outside to play leaving the father surprised.
Reflection: There is always the other side to whatever you experience in this world.
This story indirectly teaches a lesson whenever we come across a challenge or a puzzling situation, look at the other side you will be surprised to see an easy way to tackle the problem.
A Married Couple Are Golfing
Mr Brown was telling his son
22.
A husband exclaims to his wife one day:
“Your bum is getting really big. It’s bigger than the BBQ grill!”
Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
“What’s wrong?” he asks.
She answers, “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big bum grill for one little weenie?”
A wife was cooking something in the kitchen
The mother asked the doctor
A husband exclaims to his wife one day:
“Your bum is getting really big. It’s bigger than the BBQ grill!”
Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
“What’s wrong?” he asks.
She answers, “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big bum grill for one little weenie?”
A wife was cooking something in the kitchen
The mother asked the doctor
23.
A little boy boards a public bus and sits down right behind the driver.
He begins to speak: “If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I’d be a little calf. If my mom was a hen and my dad was a chicken, I’d be a little chick. If my mom was a deer and my dad was a buck, I’d be a little deer. If my mom was a duck and my dad was a goose, I’d be a little duckling.”
After listening to the boy rambling on and on in the same manner for a while, the bus driver begins to get annoyed.
He turns around and says to the boy: “What if your mom was a drunk and your dad was a bum?”
In an instant, the boy responds: “I’d be a bus driver.”
The bus driver probably should have seen it coming!
Two men are organizing a herd of deer
Karen lost her husband almost four years
A little boy boards a public bus and sits down right behind the driver.
He begins to speak: “If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I’d be a little calf. If my mom was a hen and my dad was a chicken, I’d be a little chick. If my mom was a deer and my dad was a buck, I’d be a little deer. If my mom was a duck and my dad was a goose, I’d be a little duckling.”
After listening to the boy rambling on and on in the same manner for a while, the bus driver begins to get annoyed.
He turns around and says to the boy: “What if your mom was a drunk and your dad was a bum?”
In an instant, the boy responds: “I’d be a bus driver.”
The bus driver probably should have seen it coming!
Two men are organizing a herd of deer
Karen lost her husband almost four years
24.
Two little boys go into the grocery store.
One is nine, one is four. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.
The cashier asks “Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?”
The nine year old replies “Nope, not for my mom.”
Without thinking, the cashier responded “Well, they must be for your sister then?”
The nine year old quipped, “Nope, not for my sister either.”
The cashier had now become curious “Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister, who are they for?”
The nine year old says “They’re for my four year old little brother.”
The cashier is surprised “Your four year old little brother??”
The nine year old explains: “Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can’t do either of them!”
Three women are about to be executed for crimes
A lady came to the hospital
Two little boys go into the grocery store.
One is nine, one is four. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.
The cashier asks “Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?”
The nine year old replies “Nope, not for my mom.”
Without thinking, the cashier responded “Well, they must be for your sister then?”
The nine year old quipped, “Nope, not for my sister either.”
The cashier had now become curious “Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister, who are they for?”
The nine year old says “They’re for my four year old little brother.”
The cashier is surprised “Your four year old little brother??”
The nine year old explains: “Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can’t do either of them!”
Three women are about to be executed for crimes
A lady came to the hospital
25.
Karen goes to the doctor not feeling well.
Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately.
Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.
Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches and healing crystals. All my life, they have never failed me. Now will you do things my way or do I need to see the manager?!?
Doctor: Sure, we’ll do things your way. No need to raise your temper. Why don’t we try an astrology based approach?
Karen: At last a sensible approach.
Doctor: So, what’s your star sign?
Karen: it’s cancer.
Doctor: Well what a bang coincidence.
A old lady went to visit her dentist
A man sees his wife packing a suitcase
Karen goes to the doctor not feeling well.
Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately.
Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.
Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches and healing crystals. All my life, they have never failed me. Now will you do things my way or do I need to see the manager?!?
Doctor: Sure, we’ll do things your way. No need to raise your temper. Why don’t we try an astrology based approach?
Karen: At last a sensible approach.
Doctor: So, what’s your star sign?
Karen: it’s cancer.
Doctor: Well what a bang coincidence.
A old lady went to visit her dentist
A man sees his wife packing a suitcase
26.
A man and his wife were going for a stroll one night when they spotted what was obviously a blind man taking a walk on the other side of the street with his seeing eye dog.
“Wow! Isn’t that something!” remarked the wife, “look at that man taking a stroll just like us.”
They continued strolling for a few minutes longer when they heard the man let out a loud yelp.
The dog had walked him right into a parked car and he had clearly banged his shin pretty hard.
Rushing over to help, they were surprised to see the man reach into his pocket and pull out a treat for the dog.
“Isn’t that weird?” whispered the wife, “giving him a treat even when he’s mad.”
“Why are you giving him a treat?” questioned the husband.
“I AINT GIVING HIM A TREAT!” said the enraged man, “I’M JUST TRYING TO FIND OUT WHERE HIS HEAD IS, SO I CAN GIVE HIM A SHARP KICK IN THE BEHIND!”
Bobby was sitting porch talking to Grandpa
Anne went away to college
A man and his wife were going for a stroll one night when they spotted what was obviously a blind man taking a walk on the other side of the street with his seeing eye dog.
“Wow! Isn’t that something!” remarked the wife, “look at that man taking a stroll just like us.”
They continued strolling for a few minutes longer when they heard the man let out a loud yelp.
The dog had walked him right into a parked car and he had clearly banged his shin pretty hard.
Rushing over to help, they were surprised to see the man reach into his pocket and pull out a treat for the dog.
“Isn’t that weird?” whispered the wife, “giving him a treat even when he’s mad.”
“Why are you giving him a treat?” questioned the husband.
“I AINT GIVING HIM A TREAT!” said the enraged man, “I’M JUST TRYING TO FIND OUT WHERE HIS HEAD IS, SO I CAN GIVE HIM A SHARP KICK IN THE BEHIND!”
Bobby was sitting porch talking to Grandpa
Anne went away to college
27.
Seems there was a treasure ship on its way back to port.
About halfway there, it was approached by a pirate, skull and crossbones waving in the breeze!
“Captain, captain, what do we do?” asked the first mate.
“First mate,” said the captain, “go to my cabin, open my sea chest, and bring me my red shirt.”
The first mate did so.
Wearing his bright red shirt, the captain exhorted his crew to fight.
So inspiring was he, in fact, that the pirate ship was repelled without casualties.
A few days later, the ship was again approached, this time by two pirate sloops!
“Captain, captain, what should we do?”
“First mate, bring me my red shirt!”
The crew, emboldened by their fearless captain, fought heroically, and managed to defeat both boarding parties, though they took many casualties. That night, the survivors had a great celebration.
The first mate asked the captain the secret of his bright red shirt.
“It’s simple, first mate. If I am wounded, the blood does not show, and the crew continues to fight without fear.”
A week passed, and they were nearing their home port, when suddenly the lookout cried that ten ships of the enemy’s armada were approaching!
“Captain, captain, we’re in terrible trouble, what do we do?”
The first mate looked expectantly at the miracle worker.
Pale with fear, the captain commanded, “First mate…. bring me my brown pants!”
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a monkey
After an hour of gathering up his courage
Seems there was a treasure ship on its way back to port.
About halfway there, it was approached by a pirate, skull and crossbones waving in the breeze!
“Captain, captain, what do we do?” asked the first mate.
“First mate,” said the captain, “go to my cabin, open my sea chest, and bring me my red shirt.”
The first mate did so.
Wearing his bright red shirt, the captain exhorted his crew to fight.
So inspiring was he, in fact, that the pirate ship was repelled without casualties.
A few days later, the ship was again approached, this time by two pirate sloops!
“Captain, captain, what should we do?”
“First mate, bring me my red shirt!”
The crew, emboldened by their fearless captain, fought heroically, and managed to defeat both boarding parties, though they took many casualties. That night, the survivors had a great celebration.
The first mate asked the captain the secret of his bright red shirt.
“It’s simple, first mate. If I am wounded, the blood does not show, and the crew continues to fight without fear.”
A week passed, and they were nearing their home port, when suddenly the lookout cried that ten ships of the enemy’s armada were approaching!
“Captain, captain, we’re in terrible trouble, what do we do?”
The first mate looked expectantly at the miracle worker.
Pale with fear, the captain commanded, “First mate…. bring me my brown pants!”
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a monkey
After an hour of gathering up his courage
28.
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.”
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.”
This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.
“What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”
The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
“Okay” says the lawyer, “your turn.”
She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?”
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer.
He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?”
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Nasreddin Hodja had a buffalo
The Man Confesses To His Neighbor
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.”
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.”
This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.
“What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”
The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
“Okay” says the lawyer, “your turn.”
She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?”
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer.
He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?”
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Nasreddin Hodja had a buffalo
The Man Confesses To His Neighbor
29.
A husband and wife were out playing golf.
They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left .
The Wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups .
She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball .She hits a beautiful second shot ,but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups .
Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere .
She blocks her path to her bag and looks at her and says.” I’m Mother Nature,and I don’t like the way you treated my buttercups .
From now on,you won’t be able to stand the taste of butter.Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea”.
The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared .
Shaken the wife calls out to her husband “ Hey,where’s your ball?”. “It’s over here in the p**sy willows”.
The wife screams back. “ DON’T HIT THE BALL !!! DON’T HIT THE BALL!!!”.
A restaurant manager is closing up for the night
Three men are walking in the desert
A husband and wife were out playing golf.
They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left .
The Wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups .
She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball .She hits a beautiful second shot ,but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups .
Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere .
She blocks her path to her bag and looks at her and says.” I’m Mother Nature,and I don’t like the way you treated my buttercups .
From now on,you won’t be able to stand the taste of butter.Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea”.
The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared .
Shaken the wife calls out to her husband “ Hey,where’s your ball?”. “It’s over here in the p**sy willows”.
The wife screams back. “ DON’T HIT THE BALL !!! DON’T HIT THE BALL!!!”.
A restaurant manager is closing up for the night
Three men are walking in the desert
30.
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: “Why don’t you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home- cooked meal?”
He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner.
His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.
“I was totally humiliated,” he moaned.
“She insisted on washing the dishes.”
“What’s wrong with that?” asked his mother. “I think it’s a wonderful gesture.”
“We hadn’t started eating yet.”
Four nuns were attending a baseball game
Kid and cop
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: “Why don’t you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home- cooked meal?”
He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner.
His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.
“I was totally humiliated,” he moaned.
“She insisted on washing the dishes.”
“What’s wrong with that?” asked his mother. “I think it’s a wonderful gesture.”
“We hadn’t started eating yet.”
Four nuns were attending a baseball game
Kid and cop
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eng jokes