1.
A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit.
The prosecutor opened his questioning with, “Where were you the night of August 24th?”
“Objection!” said the defense attorney.
“Irrelevant!”
“Oh, that’s okay,” said the blonde from the witness stand.
“I don’t mind answering the question.”
“I object!” the defense said again.
“No, really,” said the blonde.
“I’ll answer.”
The judge ruled: “If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object.”
So the prosecutor repeated the question: “Where were you the night of August 24th?”
The blonde replied brightly, “I don’t know!”
A group of friends went deer hunting
Paddy was summoned to court
A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit.
The prosecutor opened his questioning with, “Where were you the night of August 24th?”
“Objection!” said the defense attorney.
“Irrelevant!”
“Oh, that’s okay,” said the blonde from the witness stand.
“I don’t mind answering the question.”
“I object!” the defense said again.
“No, really,” said the blonde.
“I’ll answer.”
The judge ruled: “If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object.”
So the prosecutor repeated the question: “Where were you the night of August 24th?”
The blonde replied brightly, “I don’t know!”
A group of friends went deer hunting
Paddy was summoned to court
2.
A Jewish man went to eat at a Chinese restaurant and started to wonder if there were any Chinese Jews.
So, when the waiter came over to take his order, he asked, “Pardon me, but I’d like to know if there are any Chinese Jews?”
The waiter said, “I don’t know. I go into kitchen and ask manager.”
After taking his order, the waiter went to the kitchen and returned in a few minutes.
He explained to the man, “No. No Chinese Jews. We have orange Jews, tomato Jews, grape Jews, and pineapple Jews, but no Chinese Jews.”
A elderly retired Marine Fighter Pilot
The Queen and Dolly Parton die
A Jewish man went to eat at a Chinese restaurant and started to wonder if there were any Chinese Jews.
So, when the waiter came over to take his order, he asked, “Pardon me, but I’d like to know if there are any Chinese Jews?”
The waiter said, “I don’t know. I go into kitchen and ask manager.”
After taking his order, the waiter went to the kitchen and returned in a few minutes.
He explained to the man, “No. No Chinese Jews. We have orange Jews, tomato Jews, grape Jews, and pineapple Jews, but no Chinese Jews.”
A elderly retired Marine Fighter Pilot
The Queen and Dolly Parton die
3.
One night there were three female fugitives escaping from jail.
One was blonde, one was brunette and the other was a redhead.
They had the police hot on their trail and, quickly thinking the brunette points out an old, abandoned factory perfect for hiding in.
When all three were inside the redhead, quickly thinking said they should all hide in old potato sacks in the corner as they could hear the police approaching the factory.
They all got in their little potato sacks and barely a minute later the police came crashing through the door.
They looked at the sacks and said: ‘Hmm maybe they are hiding in these.’
The officer kicks the red-head’s sack and she makes whimpering noises.
‘Hmm just puppies in that sack’
The officer kicks the brunette’s sack and she makes mewing noises.
‘Hmm just kittens in that sack’ He says. He finally kicks the blonde’s sack and he hears…
‘POTATOES POTATOES!’
A blonde walks into a pharmacy
Three girls all worked in the same office
One night there were three female fugitives escaping from jail.
One was blonde, one was brunette and the other was a redhead.
They had the police hot on their trail and, quickly thinking the brunette points out an old, abandoned factory perfect for hiding in.
When all three were inside the redhead, quickly thinking said they should all hide in old potato sacks in the corner as they could hear the police approaching the factory.
They all got in their little potato sacks and barely a minute later the police came crashing through the door.
They looked at the sacks and said: ‘Hmm maybe they are hiding in these.’
The officer kicks the red-head’s sack and she makes whimpering noises.
‘Hmm just puppies in that sack’
The officer kicks the brunette’s sack and she makes mewing noises.
‘Hmm just kittens in that sack’ He says. He finally kicks the blonde’s sack and he hears…
‘POTATOES POTATOES!’
A blonde walks into a pharmacy
Three girls all worked in the same office
4.
A group of blondes walk into a bar.
One of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them.
The gals lift their glasses and toast, “Here’s to 51 days!” and they proceed to down their drinks.
Once again, they tell the bartender to “line ‘em up”, and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks.
The bartender says, “I don’t get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?”
One of the blondes explains, “We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box ’2-4 years,’ but we finished it in 51 days!”
Two gas company servicemen
A drunken man gets on the bus
A group of blondes walk into a bar.
One of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them.
The gals lift their glasses and toast, “Here’s to 51 days!” and they proceed to down their drinks.
Once again, they tell the bartender to “line ‘em up”, and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks.
The bartender says, “I don’t get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?”
One of the blondes explains, “We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box ’2-4 years,’ but we finished it in 51 days!”
Two gas company servicemen
A drunken man gets on the bus
5.
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things, when he noticed an old lady following him around.
Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.
Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
“Pardon me,” she said,
“I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It’s just that you look just like my son, who just died recently.”
“I’m very sorry,” replied the young man,
“is there anything I can do for you?”
“Yes,” she said,
“As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Good bye, Mother’? It would make me feel so much better.”
“Sure,” answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out,
“Goodbye, Mother!”
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.
“How can that be?” He asked,
“I only purchased a few things!”
“Your mother said that you would pay for her,” said the clerk.
Two old women are discussing
The doctor said to the elderly man
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things, when he noticed an old lady following him around.
Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.
Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
“Pardon me,” she said,
“I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It’s just that you look just like my son, who just died recently.”
“I’m very sorry,” replied the young man,
“is there anything I can do for you?”
“Yes,” she said,
“As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Good bye, Mother’? It would make me feel so much better.”
“Sure,” answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out,
“Goodbye, Mother!”
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.
“How can that be?” He asked,
“I only purchased a few things!”
“Your mother said that you would pay for her,” said the clerk.
Two old women are discussing
The doctor said to the elderly man
6.
1) All of your friends have @ in their names
2) You can’t call your mother…she doesn’t have a modem
3) Your spouse makes a new rule… Computers don’t come to bed.
4) You laugh at people with 56K modems.
5) You start tilting your head to smile ?
6) Your phone bill comes to your house in a box
7) You find yourself typing com after every period
8) You start introducing your self
Dennis Fowler Gym Dilemma
Actual Instruction Labels
1) All of your friends have @ in their names
2) You can’t call your mother…she doesn’t have a modem
3) Your spouse makes a new rule… Computers don’t come to bed.
4) You laugh at people with 56K modems.
5) You start tilting your head to smile ?
6) Your phone bill comes to your house in a box
7) You find yourself typing com after every period
8) You start introducing your self
Dennis Fowler Gym Dilemma
Actual Instruction Labels
7.
Nasreddin Hodja had a buffalo whose horns were set wide apart.
Hodja often felt an urge to sit on the animal’s head between the horns, but never dared try it.
One day the animal came and sat down very near him.
Hodja threw caution to the winds and seizing the horns swung himself into the space between them.
“Now I feel like a king on his throne!” he said exultantly to his wife
The buffalo, startled by the sudden invasion of its privacy, got indignantly to its feet and jerked its head violently forward.
Hodja went sailing into the air and fell head foremost into a ditch.
“It doesn’t matter,” he said to his wife who came running to help him.
“It’s not the first time a king has lost his throne.”
Thomas is 32 years old
A blonde and a lawyer
Nasreddin Hodja had a buffalo whose horns were set wide apart.
Hodja often felt an urge to sit on the animal’s head between the horns, but never dared try it.
One day the animal came and sat down very near him.
Hodja threw caution to the winds and seizing the horns swung himself into the space between them.
“Now I feel like a king on his throne!” he said exultantly to his wife
The buffalo, startled by the sudden invasion of its privacy, got indignantly to its feet and jerked its head violently forward.
Hodja went sailing into the air and fell head foremost into a ditch.
“It doesn’t matter,” he said to his wife who came running to help him.
“It’s not the first time a king has lost his throne.”
Thomas is 32 years old
A blonde and a lawyer
8.
Two man went bear hunting.
While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.
He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.
The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.
He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.
Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.
Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, “You skin this one while I go and get another!”
The old man was a witness
A Scotsman drinking in a Havana bar
Two man went bear hunting.
While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.
He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.
The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.
He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.
Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.
Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, “You skin this one while I go and get another!”
The old man was a witness
A Scotsman drinking in a Havana bar
9.
For Michael’s birthday, his wife wanted to surprise him when he came home from work.
After some careful consideration, she decided to strip naked and wrap herself in saran wrap from her shoulders to her ankles.
Pretty soon Michael enters his house exhausted from a tough day at work.
He walks through the kitchen, places his lunch box down, and hears his wife say, “Honey! I’m in the living room.”
Rounding the corner, he spots her all wrapped up in plastic.
After a quick peek, he immediately says, “Leftovers again!”
A dad walks into a market with son
A man rushes into his house
For Michael’s birthday, his wife wanted to surprise him when he came home from work.
After some careful consideration, she decided to strip naked and wrap herself in saran wrap from her shoulders to her ankles.
Pretty soon Michael enters his house exhausted from a tough day at work.
He walks through the kitchen, places his lunch box down, and hears his wife say, “Honey! I’m in the living room.”
Rounding the corner, he spots her all wrapped up in plastic.
After a quick peek, he immediately says, “Leftovers again!”
A dad walks into a market with son
A man rushes into his house
10.
A little old couple in their eighties was sitting on the couch watching the movie channel.
He looked at her and asked, “Do you think we can still do that?”
“Well, we can sure try!” she answered.
So they shuffled off to the bedroom.
He went into the bathroom to get ready and she took off all her clothes in the bedroom.
When he came out of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom floor.
“What are you doing, sweetheart?” he asked.
“Well,” she replied, “I thought if you couldn’t get it up, maybe you could just drop it in!”
A family are driving in their car
The man calls the manager and says
A little old couple in their eighties was sitting on the couch watching the movie channel.
He looked at her and asked, “Do you think we can still do that?”
“Well, we can sure try!” she answered.
So they shuffled off to the bedroom.
He went into the bathroom to get ready and she took off all her clothes in the bedroom.
When he came out of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom floor.
“What are you doing, sweetheart?” he asked.
“Well,” she replied, “I thought if you couldn’t get it up, maybe you could just drop it in!”
A family are driving in their car
The man calls the manager and says
11.
Mrs Santa was in bed with the flu.
The elves were playing up and had gone on strike for more pay.
The replacement elves were much slower and were behind with the toy making.
Two of the reindeer were pregnant, two more were lame, another two had kicked down the fence and had disappeared into the forest.
And to top it all, Rudolph’s nose had turned black!
Then Santa discovered that one of the runners on his sleigh had come off and the bells were missing.
What I need, thought Santa, is a good strong cup of coffee.
But when he opened the cupboard, the jar fell out and the coffee split all over the floor!
By now Santa was thoroughly fed up.
He went to fetch the broom to sweep up the mess, but found that the mice had chewed off all the bristles!
At that moment there was a knock on the front door.
Upon opening it, Santa was confronted by a beautiful Fairy holding a lovely Christmas tree.
“Good morning, Santa”, she trilled, “Isn’t it a perfectly gorgeous day? I have brought you this beautiful tree, isn’t it lovely? Where would you like me to stick it?”
Two young guys appear in court
A frog in a trap
Mrs Santa was in bed with the flu.
The elves were playing up and had gone on strike for more pay.
The replacement elves were much slower and were behind with the toy making.
Two of the reindeer were pregnant, two more were lame, another two had kicked down the fence and had disappeared into the forest.
And to top it all, Rudolph’s nose had turned black!
Then Santa discovered that one of the runners on his sleigh had come off and the bells were missing.
What I need, thought Santa, is a good strong cup of coffee.
But when he opened the cupboard, the jar fell out and the coffee split all over the floor!
By now Santa was thoroughly fed up.
He went to fetch the broom to sweep up the mess, but found that the mice had chewed off all the bristles!
At that moment there was a knock on the front door.
Upon opening it, Santa was confronted by a beautiful Fairy holding a lovely Christmas tree.
“Good morning, Santa”, she trilled, “Isn’t it a perfectly gorgeous day? I have brought you this beautiful tree, isn’t it lovely? Where would you like me to stick it?”
Two young guys appear in court
A frog in a trap
12.
An old farmer and his wife had a bunch of pigs, and every morning the farmer would head out to feed them.
And every morning, he would see all the pigs make love up a storm.
He would get turned on by this and try to get back to the house in time to make love his wife but he always got soft before he got there.
So one day, he took his hatchet and headed out to the pigpen.
“No!” said his wife.
“Don’t kill those pigs!”
“I’m not going to kill them. I’m moving the pen closer to the house.”
A elderly guy sticks his head in the barbershop
A man owns a rabbit farm
An old farmer and his wife had a bunch of pigs, and every morning the farmer would head out to feed them.
And every morning, he would see all the pigs make love up a storm.
He would get turned on by this and try to get back to the house in time to make love his wife but he always got soft before he got there.
So one day, he took his hatchet and headed out to the pigpen.
“No!” said his wife.
“Don’t kill those pigs!”
“I’m not going to kill them. I’m moving the pen closer to the house.”
A elderly guy sticks his head in the barbershop
A man owns a rabbit farm
13.
Three women worked in the same office with the same female boss.
Each day, the boss left work early.
One day, the women decided that when the boss left they would leave too.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early.
She did a little gardening, had some playtime with her son and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband.
But when she got home, she heard a muffled noise coming from inside her bedroom.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss!
Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead said they planned to leave early again and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
“No way,” she said, “I almost got caught yesterday!”
A co-worker told John
A female reporter was conducting an interview
Three women worked in the same office with the same female boss.
Each day, the boss left work early.
One day, the women decided that when the boss left they would leave too.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early.
She did a little gardening, had some playtime with her son and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband.
But when she got home, she heard a muffled noise coming from inside her bedroom.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss!
Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead said they planned to leave early again and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
“No way,” she said, “I almost got caught yesterday!”
A co-worker told John
A female reporter was conducting an interview
14.
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team’s bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”
Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?”
“Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like, hello? It’s only 25 cents!”
The man pulled over and asked the truck driver
A man joins a soccer team
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team’s bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”
Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?”
“Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like, hello? It’s only 25 cents!”
The man pulled over and asked the truck driver
A man joins a soccer team
15.
A woman goes to the supermarket.
She starts walking up and down the aisles.
Each aisle she goes to she touches her head, her ears, her melons, and her privet part.
After doing this a number of times a man approaches her and ask if she is having a problem.
She tells him no.
He says that he would like to know what she is doing at the beginning of each aisle.
She says she is trying to remember her grocery list.
He seems puzzles and asks for an explanation, so she goes thru the motions again.
She touches her head and says, “Head of lettuce.”
Ears. “Two ears of corn.”
Breasts. “Two chicken front.”
Crotch: “Fantastic.”
A employee sits in his office
The husband returns after several hours of fishing
A woman goes to the supermarket.
She starts walking up and down the aisles.
Each aisle she goes to she touches her head, her ears, her melons, and her privet part.
After doing this a number of times a man approaches her and ask if she is having a problem.
She tells him no.
He says that he would like to know what she is doing at the beginning of each aisle.
She says she is trying to remember her grocery list.
He seems puzzles and asks for an explanation, so she goes thru the motions again.
She touches her head and says, “Head of lettuce.”
Ears. “Two ears of corn.”
Breasts. “Two chicken front.”
Crotch: “Fantastic.”
A employee sits in his office
The husband returns after several hours of fishing
16.
My wife and I were reflecting on the past year, whilst dining at a restaurant.
I started to complain about something that hadn’t happened the way I wanted it to.
My wife focused her attention on a Christmas tree that someone put there.
I thought that she wasn’t interested in the conversation, so I changed the subject:
“This tree has a beautiful illumination”?, I said.
“Yes, but if you look carefully you can see one burnt light among dozens.
“It seems to me that instead of thinking of this year as dozens of enlightened blessings, you chose to look at the one light that did not glow”
A large bag of money
The cop says woman
My wife and I were reflecting on the past year, whilst dining at a restaurant.
I started to complain about something that hadn’t happened the way I wanted it to.
My wife focused her attention on a Christmas tree that someone put there.
I thought that she wasn’t interested in the conversation, so I changed the subject:
“This tree has a beautiful illumination”?, I said.
“Yes, but if you look carefully you can see one burnt light among dozens.
“It seems to me that instead of thinking of this year as dozens of enlightened blessings, you chose to look at the one light that did not glow”
A large bag of money
The cop says woman
17.
A man visited the pastor, a man well known for her charitable impulses.
“Pastor,” he said in a broken voice,
“I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this neighborhood.”
The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving.
They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $900.
“How terrible!” exclaimed the preacher’s wife.
“May I ask who you are?”
The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes.
“I’m the landlord,” he sobbed.
A Indian Chief in a modern society
A Teenage Boy Goes To Church
A man visited the pastor, a man well known for her charitable impulses.
“Pastor,” he said in a broken voice,
“I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this neighborhood.”
The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving.
They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $900.
“How terrible!” exclaimed the preacher’s wife.
“May I ask who you are?”
The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes.
“I’m the landlord,” he sobbed.
A Indian Chief in a modern society
A Teenage Boy Goes To Church
18.
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation.
When they get to the cabin, the guy goes out to chop some wood to start the fireplace.
When he gets back, he says, “Honey, my hands are freezing!”
To that she replies “Well, come here and I’ll warm them between my legs.”
He goes out a couple of more times and does the same thing.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night.
When he returns, he again says, “Honey, my hands are really freezing!”
She looks at him and says, “For crying out loud, don’t your ears ever get cold?”
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse
A female teacher was having a problem
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation.
When they get to the cabin, the guy goes out to chop some wood to start the fireplace.
When he gets back, he says, “Honey, my hands are freezing!”
To that she replies “Well, come here and I’ll warm them between my legs.”
He goes out a couple of more times and does the same thing.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night.
When he returns, he again says, “Honey, my hands are really freezing!”
She looks at him and says, “For crying out loud, don’t your ears ever get cold?”
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse
A female teacher was having a problem
19.
A blonde is pregnant, and is practically 9 months along.
She goes to see her doctor for a routine check-up, but she is worried.
She asks, “What if the baby starts coming, and I can’t get to the hospital in time?”
The doctor replies, “Well, woman have been having babies for a million years without an attendance by doctors.
It’s a very natural process.
The first thing you do is to assume the same position you were laying in when you got pregnant.”
The blonde interrupts with,
“Do you mean with the left foot in the glove compartment and the right foot hanging out the window
The pick-up couple was relaxing after lovemaking
Timmy wanted to sleep with his parents
A blonde is pregnant, and is practically 9 months along.
She goes to see her doctor for a routine check-up, but she is worried.
She asks, “What if the baby starts coming, and I can’t get to the hospital in time?”
The doctor replies, “Well, woman have been having babies for a million years without an attendance by doctors.
It’s a very natural process.
The first thing you do is to assume the same position you were laying in when you got pregnant.”
The blonde interrupts with,
“Do you mean with the left foot in the glove compartment and the right foot hanging out the window
The pick-up couple was relaxing after lovemaking
Timmy wanted to sleep with his parents
20.
Mickey Mouse steps into lawyers office to review divorce with lawyer.
Mickey: I need to get out of this marriage! Minnie ruined my life.
I’ve paid you good money for you to get me back what’s rightly mine.
What do you have for me?
Lawyer: Mickey I’ve reviewed your case against Minnie and to be blunt you don’t have a good case against her.
The main reason for this divorce as you said is because “she’s crazy” .
We have laws that protect spouses.
You can’t divorce someone and get everything back from them because of what you think are character flaws.
Mickey: I didn’t say she was crazy!!
Today I went to the children’s daycare
My buddies and I where out for a night
Mickey Mouse steps into lawyers office to review divorce with lawyer.
Mickey: I need to get out of this marriage! Minnie ruined my life.
I’ve paid you good money for you to get me back what’s rightly mine.
What do you have for me?
Lawyer: Mickey I’ve reviewed your case against Minnie and to be blunt you don’t have a good case against her.
The main reason for this divorce as you said is because “she’s crazy” .
We have laws that protect spouses.
You can’t divorce someone and get everything back from them because of what you think are character flaws.
Mickey: I didn’t say she was crazy!!
Today I went to the children’s daycare
My buddies and I where out for a night
21.
A mother and a baby camel were talking one day when the baby camel asked; Mom, why do we have these huge three-toed feet?
The mother replied; Well son, when we trek across the desert, our toes will help us stay on top of the soft sand.
Two minutes later the young camel asked; Mom, why do we have these long eyelashes?
They are there to keep the sand out of our eyes on the trips through the desert, the mother said.
Mom, why have we got these great big humps on our back?
They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods of time.
So we have huge feet to stop us from sinking, long eyelashes to keep the sand out of our eyes, and these humps to store water.
Yes dear, said the mother.
So why are we in the San Diego Zoo?
A poor family
65-year-old woman has a baby
A mother and a baby camel were talking one day when the baby camel asked; Mom, why do we have these huge three-toed feet?
The mother replied; Well son, when we trek across the desert, our toes will help us stay on top of the soft sand.
Two minutes later the young camel asked; Mom, why do we have these long eyelashes?
They are there to keep the sand out of our eyes on the trips through the desert, the mother said.
Mom, why have we got these great big humps on our back?
They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods of time.
So we have huge feet to stop us from sinking, long eyelashes to keep the sand out of our eyes, and these humps to store water.
Yes dear, said the mother.
So why are we in the San Diego Zoo?
A poor family
65-year-old woman has a baby
22.
One day Nasreddin Hodja quarrelled with his wife.
He shouted at her till she could not bear it and fled to her neighbor’s house
The Hodja followed her there.
The neighbors managed to placate the angry husband and served the couple tea and sweetmeats.
When they returned to their house some time later, they began quarreling again.
When Nasreddin began shouting at her, his wife again opened the door to run out.
“This time, go to the baker’s house,” he advised
“He makes delicious cakes.”
The newlyweds returned from their honeymoon
Divorce Agreement
One day Nasreddin Hodja quarrelled with his wife.
He shouted at her till she could not bear it and fled to her neighbor’s house
The Hodja followed her there.
The neighbors managed to placate the angry husband and served the couple tea and sweetmeats.
When they returned to their house some time later, they began quarreling again.
When Nasreddin began shouting at her, his wife again opened the door to run out.
“This time, go to the baker’s house,” he advised
“He makes delicious cakes.”
The newlyweds returned from their honeymoon
Divorce Agreement
23.
A early morning husband woke up his wife and asked her: “Honey would you like to join me for Yoga?”
She: “Ohh. So you mean to say I am fat?”
Hubby: “No. Yoga is good for health.”
She: “Oh.. that means I am sick.”
Hubby: “No no. If you don’t want to get up, then it’s OK.”…
She: “So now you think I am lazy, ha?”
Hubby: “Nooo. You are misunderstanding me. I didn’t mean….”
She: “Aha ! So I don’t understand you, right?”
Hubby: “Now look I didn’t say that.”
She: “So am I lying? “
Hubby: Plz “don’t stretch it in the morning”
She: “Oh wow. So I am a quarrelsome lady.”
Hubby: “All right ! Its better that I also don’t go for Yoga.”
She: “See ? You never wanted to go. Just wanted to blame me.”
HUBBY: “Ok You go off to sleep. I am going alone.. happy?.”
SHE: “You always go alone everywhere and enjoy.”
Hubby: “Plz . I am feeling giddy now “
She: “See? You are so selfish. Always think of yourself only. Never think of my health.”
Husband is sitting and thinking where he went wrong
The 6th grade school teacher asked
The court why you want a divorce
A early morning husband woke up his wife and asked her: “Honey would you like to join me for Yoga?”
She: “Ohh. So you mean to say I am fat?”
Hubby: “No. Yoga is good for health.”
She: “Oh.. that means I am sick.”
Hubby: “No no. If you don’t want to get up, then it’s OK.”…
She: “So now you think I am lazy, ha?”
Hubby: “Nooo. You are misunderstanding me. I didn’t mean….”
She: “Aha ! So I don’t understand you, right?”
Hubby: “Now look I didn’t say that.”
She: “So am I lying? “
Hubby: Plz “don’t stretch it in the morning”
She: “Oh wow. So I am a quarrelsome lady.”
Hubby: “All right ! Its better that I also don’t go for Yoga.”
She: “See ? You never wanted to go. Just wanted to blame me.”
HUBBY: “Ok You go off to sleep. I am going alone.. happy?.”
SHE: “You always go alone everywhere and enjoy.”
Hubby: “Plz . I am feeling giddy now “
She: “See? You are so selfish. Always think of yourself only. Never think of my health.”
Husband is sitting and thinking where he went wrong
The 6th grade school teacher asked
The court why you want a divorce
24.
Bush says, “I could throw this $100 mask out the window and make someone happy”.
Trump, with a smug look on his face replies,
“I could throw ten $10 masks out the window and make 10 people happy”.
Hillary smirks and says, “Oh yeah, I could throw one hundred $1 masks out the window and make 100 people happy”.
Then the pilot says to the co-pilot,
“I could throw all 3 of these f**king idiots out the window and make billions of people happy”.
Salesman Of The Year Has Rough First Day
A man goes to the doctor
Bush says, “I could throw this $100 mask out the window and make someone happy”.
Trump, with a smug look on his face replies,
“I could throw ten $10 masks out the window and make 10 people happy”.
Hillary smirks and says, “Oh yeah, I could throw one hundred $1 masks out the window and make 100 people happy”.
Then the pilot says to the co-pilot,
“I could throw all 3 of these f**king idiots out the window and make billions of people happy”.
Salesman Of The Year Has Rough First Day
A man goes to the doctor
25.
A little girl received a tea set that quickly became one of her favorite toys.
While her mother was away for a few weeks caring for a sick aunt, the toddler would lovingly bring her dad “cups of tea” really just water while he was absorbed in watching the news on TV.
Each time she handed him a “cup of tea,” he would take a sip and praise her enthusiastically, making her feel incredibly proud.
When the mother finally returned, the dad couldn’t wait to show her how his little princess had been taking care of him.
Right on cue, the girl brought him another “cup of tea,” which he sipped before showering her with praise again.
Watching this, the mother asked, “Has it ever crossed your mind that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?”
A waiter takes an order from a customer
A old lady dies and goes to Heaven
A little girl received a tea set that quickly became one of her favorite toys.
While her mother was away for a few weeks caring for a sick aunt, the toddler would lovingly bring her dad “cups of tea” really just water while he was absorbed in watching the news on TV.
Each time she handed him a “cup of tea,” he would take a sip and praise her enthusiastically, making her feel incredibly proud.
When the mother finally returned, the dad couldn’t wait to show her how his little princess had been taking care of him.
Right on cue, the girl brought him another “cup of tea,” which he sipped before showering her with praise again.
Watching this, the mother asked, “Has it ever crossed your mind that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?”
A waiter takes an order from a customer
A old lady dies and goes to Heaven
26.
A young lady was waiting for her flight in the boarding room of a big airport.
As she would need to wait for a long time, she decided to buy a book to read and a packet of cookies to snack on.
She sat down in an armchair in the VIP room of the airport to relax and read in peace.
A man sat down in the next seat, opened his magazine and started reading when she took out the first cookie, the man took one also.
She felt irritated but said nothing.
She just thought: “What a nerve! If I wasn’t so nice, I would blacken his eye.”
For each cookie she took, the man took one too this was infuriating her but she didn’t want to cause a scene.
When only one cookie remained, she thought: “Aaah… What will this rude man do now?”
Then the man, taking the last cookie, divided it into half, giving her one-half that was too much!
She was really angry now.
In a huff, she took her book, the rest of her things and stormed off to the boarding place.
For the next hours, she found it hard to forget what happened.
She couldn’t even focus reading her book how dare that guy, right?
When she sat down in her seat on the plane, she looked into her purse to take out her reading glasses, and to her surprise, her packet of cookies was there, untouched and unopened.
She felt so ashamed.
She realized that she was wrong.
She had forgotten that her cookies were kept in her purse.
The man had divided his cookies with her, without feeling angered or bitter, while she had been very angry, thinking that she was dividing her cookies with him.
And now there was no chance to explain herself… nor to apologize have you ever lost your cool and then realized later that you were in the wrong?
I’m sure that most of us have let’s save ourselves some embarrassment and make sure that we are in possession of all of the facts before reacting.
There are four things you can never recover… The stone after the throw;
The word after it’s said; The occasion after the loss, and The time after it’s gone.
A beggar knocked at the door
A poor boy who was selling goods
A young lady was waiting for her flight in the boarding room of a big airport.
As she would need to wait for a long time, she decided to buy a book to read and a packet of cookies to snack on.
She sat down in an armchair in the VIP room of the airport to relax and read in peace.
A man sat down in the next seat, opened his magazine and started reading when she took out the first cookie, the man took one also.
She felt irritated but said nothing.
She just thought: “What a nerve! If I wasn’t so nice, I would blacken his eye.”
For each cookie she took, the man took one too this was infuriating her but she didn’t want to cause a scene.
When only one cookie remained, she thought: “Aaah… What will this rude man do now?”
Then the man, taking the last cookie, divided it into half, giving her one-half that was too much!
She was really angry now.
In a huff, she took her book, the rest of her things and stormed off to the boarding place.
For the next hours, she found it hard to forget what happened.
She couldn’t even focus reading her book how dare that guy, right?
When she sat down in her seat on the plane, she looked into her purse to take out her reading glasses, and to her surprise, her packet of cookies was there, untouched and unopened.
She felt so ashamed.
She realized that she was wrong.
She had forgotten that her cookies were kept in her purse.
The man had divided his cookies with her, without feeling angered or bitter, while she had been very angry, thinking that she was dividing her cookies with him.
And now there was no chance to explain herself… nor to apologize have you ever lost your cool and then realized later that you were in the wrong?
I’m sure that most of us have let’s save ourselves some embarrassment and make sure that we are in possession of all of the facts before reacting.
There are four things you can never recover… The stone after the throw;
The word after it’s said; The occasion after the loss, and The time after it’s gone.
A beggar knocked at the door
A poor boy who was selling goods
27.
After 25 years of marriage, a husband took a long look at his wife one day and said:
“Twenty-five years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, and I slept on a sofa bed, but I got to sleep every night with a twenty-six year old blonde.
Now, we have a nice house, a nice car and a big bed, but I’m sleeping with a fifty-one year old woman.
It seems that you’re not pulling your weight.”
She replied calmly: “Then why don’t you go out and find a twenty-six year old blonde?
And when you do, I’ll make sure once again that you’ll be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, and sleeping on a sofa bed.”
A curious child asked his mother
A man was standing in front of mirror
After 25 years of marriage, a husband took a long look at his wife one day and said:
“Twenty-five years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, and I slept on a sofa bed, but I got to sleep every night with a twenty-six year old blonde.
Now, we have a nice house, a nice car and a big bed, but I’m sleeping with a fifty-one year old woman.
It seems that you’re not pulling your weight.”
She replied calmly: “Then why don’t you go out and find a twenty-six year old blonde?
And when you do, I’ll make sure once again that you’ll be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, and sleeping on a sofa bed.”
A curious child asked his mother
A man was standing in front of mirror
28.
As he walked up to old lady’s car he noticed there were 3 other elderly folks looking very frightened and rigid.
He leaned down to the old lady’s window and noticed she was as calm as could be.
“Do you know why I pulled you over, Ma’am?”
“No, I do not,” she replied sweetly.
“You were going 10mph on the highway that’s a serious hazard for other drivers.”
The officer couldn’t help but glance at the three terrified passengers.
The little old lady pointed at the sign nearby. “Isn’t the speed limit 10?”
The officer looked at the sign and laughed.
“Ma’am, that’s the sign telling you which highway you’re on Interstate 10.”
The little old lady burst out in a fit of giggles, “Oh, I’m sorry!”
The officer decided it was an honest mistake and was going to let her go.
But curiosity got the better of him.
“Can I ask why your passengers are so scared?”
The little old lady laughed again.
“Probably because I just got off Interstate 175.”
The coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players
The friendly usher
As he walked up to old lady’s car he noticed there were 3 other elderly folks looking very frightened and rigid.
He leaned down to the old lady’s window and noticed she was as calm as could be.
“Do you know why I pulled you over, Ma’am?”
“No, I do not,” she replied sweetly.
“You were going 10mph on the highway that’s a serious hazard for other drivers.”
The officer couldn’t help but glance at the three terrified passengers.
The little old lady pointed at the sign nearby. “Isn’t the speed limit 10?”
The officer looked at the sign and laughed.
“Ma’am, that’s the sign telling you which highway you’re on Interstate 10.”
The little old lady burst out in a fit of giggles, “Oh, I’m sorry!”
The officer decided it was an honest mistake and was going to let her go.
But curiosity got the better of him.
“Can I ask why your passengers are so scared?”
The little old lady laughed again.
“Probably because I just got off Interstate 175.”
The coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players
The friendly usher
29.
The Maid asked for a pay raise.
Madam was very upset about this and asked:
“Now Maria, why do you want an increase?”
Maria: “Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.”
Madam: “Who said you iron better than me?”
Maria: “The Master said so.”
Madam: “Oh.”
Maria: “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”
Madam: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?”
Maria: “The Master did. Madam.”
Maria: “My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.”
Madam: (very upset now) “Did the Master say so as well?”
Maria: “No Madam, the chauffeur did.”
AND SHE GOT THE GOOD PAY RAISE.
The Devil invites Mike Tyson to hell
Saturday morning I got up early
The Maid asked for a pay raise.
Madam was very upset about this and asked:
“Now Maria, why do you want an increase?”
Maria: “Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.”
Madam: “Who said you iron better than me?”
Maria: “The Master said so.”
Madam: “Oh.”
Maria: “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”
Madam: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?”
Maria: “The Master did. Madam.”
Maria: “My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.”
Madam: (very upset now) “Did the Master say so as well?”
Maria: “No Madam, the chauffeur did.”
AND SHE GOT THE GOOD PAY RAISE.
The Devil invites Mike Tyson to hell
Saturday morning I got up early
30.
A newly married Liam goes to the meet Father Charles.
He greets the priest and says, ‘Father, I need to talk to you.’
The Priest asks, ‘Is it a confession, my son?’
Liam replies, ‘No, Father. I need to clarify something.’
The Priest takes Liam to his private chamber and says, ‘Tell me, Liam.
What is it?’
Liam asks, ‘Father, why do some women try to change men after marriage?
My friends keep teasing me about it.’
The Priest smiles and replied, ‘Liam, my son; as the bride walks down the long aisle, she excitedly registers 3 stimuli.
The altar, the choir and the sound of the hymn being sung.
Aisle, Altar, and Hymn. She becomes mesmerized. Aisle, Altar, Hymn.
Aisle, Altar, hymn. Aisle, Altar, Hymn.
And finally, as she stops beside the groom, she is already saying to herself… “I’LL ALTER HIM.”
What bird can do more that others
A panel of doctors
A newly married Liam goes to the meet Father Charles.
He greets the priest and says, ‘Father, I need to talk to you.’
The Priest asks, ‘Is it a confession, my son?’
Liam replies, ‘No, Father. I need to clarify something.’
The Priest takes Liam to his private chamber and says, ‘Tell me, Liam.
What is it?’
Liam asks, ‘Father, why do some women try to change men after marriage?
My friends keep teasing me about it.’
The Priest smiles and replied, ‘Liam, my son; as the bride walks down the long aisle, she excitedly registers 3 stimuli.
The altar, the choir and the sound of the hymn being sung.
Aisle, Altar, and Hymn. She becomes mesmerized. Aisle, Altar, Hymn.
Aisle, Altar, hymn. Aisle, Altar, Hymn.
And finally, as she stops beside the groom, she is already saying to herself… “I’LL ALTER HIM.”
What bird can do more that others
A panel of doctors
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eng jokes