1.
Two accountants were in a bank when a gang of armed robbers burst in.
While some of the robbers snatched bundles of cash from the tellers, others lined the customers up against the wall and relieved them of their wallets, watches and other valuables.
As the robbers moved down the line, one accountant pressed something into the hand of the other accountant.
“What’s this?” said the second accountant without looking down.
His colleague replied: “It’s that $100 I owe you.”
A call girl brings a client
A country guy in a bar
Two accountants were in a bank when a gang of armed robbers burst in.
While some of the robbers snatched bundles of cash from the tellers, others lined the customers up against the wall and relieved them of their wallets, watches and other valuables.
As the robbers moved down the line, one accountant pressed something into the hand of the other accountant.
“What’s this?” said the second accountant without looking down.
His colleague replied: “It’s that $100 I owe you.”
A call girl brings a client
A country guy in a bar
2.
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital.
The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery.
He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure.
The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby,
thus reducing her own.
The man quickly agreed.
The doctor warned him, though, that there was a slight bug in the machine that caused it to amplify the pain sent to the father by ten times, and if the pain became too much for to bear would he please let the doctor know.
The doctor turned on the machine and watched the man.
The man said he felt absolutely fine and he could take more.
The doctor turned the dial up to 40, 60, 80, and finally 100% of the pain, times ten.
The woman delivered the baby painlessly and the doctor stared at the man, astonished at how he could not even flinch with that much pain brought upon him.
The couple took the new baby home.
There, on the front step, the mailman lay dead.
This woman’s husband had been slipping
Three guys are sitting around the campfire
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital.
The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery.
He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure.
The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby,
thus reducing her own.
The man quickly agreed.
The doctor warned him, though, that there was a slight bug in the machine that caused it to amplify the pain sent to the father by ten times, and if the pain became too much for to bear would he please let the doctor know.
The doctor turned on the machine and watched the man.
The man said he felt absolutely fine and he could take more.
The doctor turned the dial up to 40, 60, 80, and finally 100% of the pain, times ten.
The woman delivered the baby painlessly and the doctor stared at the man, astonished at how he could not even flinch with that much pain brought upon him.
The couple took the new baby home.
There, on the front step, the mailman lay dead.
This woman’s husband had been slipping
Three guys are sitting around the campfire
3.
A story tells that two friends were walking through the desert.
During some point of the journey they had an argument, and one friend slapped the other one in the face.
The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, wrote in the sand,
“Today my best friend slapped me in the face.”
They kept on walking until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath.
The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning, but the friend saved him.
After he recovered from the near drowning, he wrote on a stone,
“Today my best friend saved my life.”
The friend who had slapped and saved his best friend asked him,
“After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand and now, you write on a stone, why?”
The other friend replied,
“When someone hurts us we should write it down in sand where winds of forgiveness can erase it away.
But, when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it.”
Moral of the story, Don’t value the things you have in your life but value who you have in your life.
The pilot complains about the airman
A busload of politicians
A story tells that two friends were walking through the desert.
During some point of the journey they had an argument, and one friend slapped the other one in the face.
The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, wrote in the sand,
“Today my best friend slapped me in the face.”
They kept on walking until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath.
The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning, but the friend saved him.
After he recovered from the near drowning, he wrote on a stone,
“Today my best friend saved my life.”
The friend who had slapped and saved his best friend asked him,
“After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand and now, you write on a stone, why?”
The other friend replied,
“When someone hurts us we should write it down in sand where winds of forgiveness can erase it away.
But, when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it.”
Moral of the story, Don’t value the things you have in your life but value who you have in your life.
The pilot complains about the airman
A busload of politicians
4.
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
“Of course, my son,” said the priest.
“Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.”
“That’s a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess,” said the priest.
“It’s worse, Father; I was weak, I asked her to pay for the attic with make love favors and she accepted,” continued the old man.
“Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk you would have suffered terribly at their hands of the Germans had they found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly,” said the priest.
“Thanks, Father,” said the old man. “That’s a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?”
“Of course, my son,” said the priest.
The old man asked, “Do I need to tell her that the war is over?”
She told her new husband
Johnny going to his first day of school
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
“Of course, my son,” said the priest.
“Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.”
“That’s a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess,” said the priest.
“It’s worse, Father; I was weak, I asked her to pay for the attic with make love favors and she accepted,” continued the old man.
“Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk you would have suffered terribly at their hands of the Germans had they found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly,” said the priest.
“Thanks, Father,” said the old man. “That’s a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?”
“Of course, my son,” said the priest.
The old man asked, “Do I need to tell her that the war is over?”
She told her new husband
Johnny going to his first day of school
5.
A man working in an IT company became sick.
He consulted many multi-facility hospitals but still couldn’t get cured…
He was sad.
Then his wife advised, “why don’t you consult a veterinary doctor?”
He was shocked.
He screamed at her, ‘Are you mad?’
She spoke softly ‘Nothing happened to me… It is you have a problem. You wake up early in the morning like cock, take a half bath like a crow, eat something like a monkey, and then run to the office like a racehorse, there you work like a donkey, and you scream to your juniors like a wild bear, evening you reach home and bark at us like a dog, then you eat like a crocodile, at night you go to bed and sleep like a buffalo.
That’s the reason why I asked you to meet a veterinary doctor.’
The man just sat and gaped at her.
The wife asked, Now why are u looking at me like an owl?’
A man goes into a pet shop
A man and his wife were driving
A man working in an IT company became sick.
He consulted many multi-facility hospitals but still couldn’t get cured…
He was sad.
Then his wife advised, “why don’t you consult a veterinary doctor?”
He was shocked.
He screamed at her, ‘Are you mad?’
She spoke softly ‘Nothing happened to me… It is you have a problem. You wake up early in the morning like cock, take a half bath like a crow, eat something like a monkey, and then run to the office like a racehorse, there you work like a donkey, and you scream to your juniors like a wild bear, evening you reach home and bark at us like a dog, then you eat like a crocodile, at night you go to bed and sleep like a buffalo.
That’s the reason why I asked you to meet a veterinary doctor.’
The man just sat and gaped at her.
The wife asked, Now why are u looking at me like an owl?’
A man goes into a pet shop
A man and his wife were driving
6.
A woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded.
Rome, Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty.
You’re crazy to go to Rome.
So, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking BA,” was the reply.
“We got a great rate!”
“BA?” exclaimed the hairdresser.
That’s a terrible airline their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late
So, where are you staying in Rome?
“We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome ‘s Tiber River called Testes.”
“Don’t go any further I know that place everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump.”
“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”
“That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser you and a million other people trying to see him he’ll look the size of an ant.
He shot and dropped a bird
The Magical Lamp
A woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded.
Rome, Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty.
You’re crazy to go to Rome.
So, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking BA,” was the reply.
“We got a great rate!”
“BA?” exclaimed the hairdresser.
That’s a terrible airline their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late
So, where are you staying in Rome?
“We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome ‘s Tiber River called Testes.”
“Don’t go any further I know that place everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump.”
“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”
“That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser you and a million other people trying to see him he’ll look the size of an ant.
He shot and dropped a bird
The Magical Lamp
7.
A husband and wife get up on Sunday morning.
After breakfast, the wife notices that her husband isn’t dressed for church.
“Why aren’t you dressed for church?”
“Simple. I’m not going.”
“Why not?”
“Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why I’m not going.
First of all, the church is cold in the morning.
It’s just cold. Second, no one there likes me.
Everyone is always talking about me behind my back.
And third, most important of all, I just don’t feel like going!”
“Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why you are going.
First of all, the church isn’t cold in the morning; it’s warm.
Second, I think, or I’m pretty sure, that there are some people there who do like you, and third you’re the minister, so get dressed.”
A couple that has been dating
A sweet old lady is making lunch
A husband and wife get up on Sunday morning.
After breakfast, the wife notices that her husband isn’t dressed for church.
“Why aren’t you dressed for church?”
“Simple. I’m not going.”
“Why not?”
“Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why I’m not going.
First of all, the church is cold in the morning.
It’s just cold. Second, no one there likes me.
Everyone is always talking about me behind my back.
And third, most important of all, I just don’t feel like going!”
“Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why you are going.
First of all, the church isn’t cold in the morning; it’s warm.
Second, I think, or I’m pretty sure, that there are some people there who do like you, and third you’re the minister, so get dressed.”
A couple that has been dating
A sweet old lady is making lunch
8.
The woman had two female parrots who knew how to say only one thing: “Hey, we are sluts. Let’s have some fun!”
They kept yelling it all the time until the woman got mad and brought them to a priest.
Father, please, advise what to do with my female parrots.
They talk dirty things all the time.
I know what to do. I have got two male parrots that are taught to praise Jesus Christ and read the prayer.
We will put your female parrots into their cage and my male parrots will teach them good manners.
In two minutes they let the female parrots into the cage with the male parrots that were reading the prayer.
Immediately the female parrots yelled out the only thing they knew: “Hey, we are sluts. Let’s have some fun!”
One of the male parrots looked at his friend and said:
St. Patrick, put your prayer aside.
Jesus answered our prayers!
A man gathered all of his children
Two guys were picked up by cops
The woman had two female parrots who knew how to say only one thing: “Hey, we are sluts. Let’s have some fun!”
They kept yelling it all the time until the woman got mad and brought them to a priest.
Father, please, advise what to do with my female parrots.
They talk dirty things all the time.
I know what to do. I have got two male parrots that are taught to praise Jesus Christ and read the prayer.
We will put your female parrots into their cage and my male parrots will teach them good manners.
In two minutes they let the female parrots into the cage with the male parrots that were reading the prayer.
Immediately the female parrots yelled out the only thing they knew: “Hey, we are sluts. Let’s have some fun!”
One of the male parrots looked at his friend and said:
St. Patrick, put your prayer aside.
Jesus answered our prayers!
A man gathered all of his children
Two guys were picked up by cops
9.
A man has been drinking all day at a bar.
Late at night, he suddenly checks his clock.
“1:30 am, darn. I need to go home now or the wife’s going to kill me,” he says to the bartender.
But as he’s trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor.
“I’m just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up.”
So he asks the barman for a coffee, he drinks it up and 30 minutes later he tries to stand up, but again he falls to the floor, this time even harder.
At this point, he realizes this won’t work, but he needs to get home no matter what, so he starts crawling towards his house.
After 40 minutes he gets there, lays down next to his blissfully sleeping wife and passes out.
The next morning his wife wakes him up, not kindly.
“So… how was last night, huh? Was it fun drinking all day?”
The man is 100% sure his wife was asleep when he got home, so he tries to play it cool: “Not really, just hanging with some coworkers we didn’t drink much just a couple of beers.”
His wife starts nodding understandably: “Ah ha, makes sense.”
She starts to turn and then stops and turns back to him:
“Oh, by the way, the bar owner called this morning, your wheelchair’s there, idiot.”
A man hankering after some chili
Two pigeons are sitting on a roof
A man has been drinking all day at a bar.
Late at night, he suddenly checks his clock.
“1:30 am, darn. I need to go home now or the wife’s going to kill me,” he says to the bartender.
But as he’s trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor.
“I’m just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up.”
So he asks the barman for a coffee, he drinks it up and 30 minutes later he tries to stand up, but again he falls to the floor, this time even harder.
At this point, he realizes this won’t work, but he needs to get home no matter what, so he starts crawling towards his house.
After 40 minutes he gets there, lays down next to his blissfully sleeping wife and passes out.
The next morning his wife wakes him up, not kindly.
“So… how was last night, huh? Was it fun drinking all day?”
The man is 100% sure his wife was asleep when he got home, so he tries to play it cool: “Not really, just hanging with some coworkers we didn’t drink much just a couple of beers.”
His wife starts nodding understandably: “Ah ha, makes sense.”
She starts to turn and then stops and turns back to him:
“Oh, by the way, the bar owner called this morning, your wheelchair’s there, idiot.”
A man hankering after some chili
Two pigeons are sitting on a roof
10.
A man and his wife are driving down the road when they hit a baby skunk.
“It’s still alive!” The wife exclaimed, looking back at the poor skunk.
“Alright, I’ll just go back and hit it again, put it out of its misery,” the husband replied.
“No don’t, it’s just a baby! We have to call the vet!”
The husband waits patiently while the wife gets out to talk to the vet.
“Is it bleeding?” The vet asked.
“No, but it’s shaking a lot.”
“That means it’s going into shock,” the vet concluded,
“Cover him up and bring him in as soon as you can.”
“But sir it’s 80 degrees out I don’t have a jacket or anything to cover him with,” the wife explained.
“Ok, just put him between your legs to keep him stable for the ride over.”
The vet replied calmly, “What about the smell?” The wife asked.
“The smell? Just cover his nose!”
Two old guys were sitting on a bus bench
A blonde is terribly overweight
A man and his wife are driving down the road when they hit a baby skunk.
“It’s still alive!” The wife exclaimed, looking back at the poor skunk.
“Alright, I’ll just go back and hit it again, put it out of its misery,” the husband replied.
“No don’t, it’s just a baby! We have to call the vet!”
The husband waits patiently while the wife gets out to talk to the vet.
“Is it bleeding?” The vet asked.
“No, but it’s shaking a lot.”
“That means it’s going into shock,” the vet concluded,
“Cover him up and bring him in as soon as you can.”
“But sir it’s 80 degrees out I don’t have a jacket or anything to cover him with,” the wife explained.
“Ok, just put him between your legs to keep him stable for the ride over.”
The vet replied calmly, “What about the smell?” The wife asked.
“The smell? Just cover his nose!”
Two old guys were sitting on a bus bench
A blonde is terribly overweight
11.
A climber fell off a cliff, and as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch wedged in the rock.
“Help! Is there anybody up there” he shouted.
A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:
“I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me.”
“Yes, yes, I trust you!” cried the man.
“Let go of the branch,” boomed the voice.
There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again,
“Is there anyone else up there I could talk to?”
Suddenly Satan appeared
A woman walks into the City
A climber fell off a cliff, and as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch wedged in the rock.
“Help! Is there anybody up there” he shouted.
A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:
“I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me.”
“Yes, yes, I trust you!” cried the man.
“Let go of the branch,” boomed the voice.
There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again,
“Is there anyone else up there I could talk to?”
Suddenly Satan appeared
A woman walks into the City
12.
Wife sent a message to her husband: Don’t forget to buy vegetables on your way back from office, and says hi to you.
Husband: Who is Rita?
Wife: Nothing, I was just making sure that you read my message or not
Twist in the tale…..
Husband: But I’m with Lisa, which Lisa are you talking about?
Wife: where are you….?
Husband: near vegetable market.
Wife: wait I will come there.
After 10 minutes she texts her husband “where are you”?
Husband: “I m at office, now buy whatever vegetables you need.”
She was going around in turn asking
A man and his wife are traveling
Wife sent a message to her husband: Don’t forget to buy vegetables on your way back from office, and says hi to you.
Husband: Who is Rita?
Wife: Nothing, I was just making sure that you read my message or not
Twist in the tale…..
Husband: But I’m with Lisa, which Lisa are you talking about?
Wife: where are you….?
Husband: near vegetable market.
Wife: wait I will come there.
After 10 minutes she texts her husband “where are you”?
Husband: “I m at office, now buy whatever vegetables you need.”
She was going around in turn asking
A man and his wife are traveling
13.
A beggar was given a piece of bread, but nothing to put on it.
Hoping to get something to go with his bread, he went to a nearby inn and asked for a handout.
The innkeeper turned him away with nothing, but the beggar sneaked into the kitchen where he saw a large pot of soup cooking over the fire.
He held his piece of bread over the steaming pot, hoping to thus capture a bit of flavor from the good-smelling vapor.
Suddenly the innkeeper seized him by the arm and accused him of stealing soup.
“I took no soup,” said the beggar.
“I was only smelling the vapor.”
“Then you must pay for the smell,” answered the innkeeper.
The poor beggar had no money, so the angry innkeeper dragged him before the qadi.
Now Nasreddin Hodja was at that time serving as qadi, and he heard the innkeeper’s complaint and the beggar’s explanation.
“So you demand payment for the smell of your soup?” summarized the Hodja after the hearing.
“Yes!” insisted the innkeeper.
“Then I myself will pay you,” said the Hodja, “and I will pay for the smell of your soup with the sound of money.”
Thus saying, the Hodja drew two coins from his pocket, rang them together loudly, put them back into his pocket, and sent the beggar and the innkeeper each on his own way.
A Priest & A Lawyer
The parts wanted to be Boss
A beggar was given a piece of bread, but nothing to put on it.
Hoping to get something to go with his bread, he went to a nearby inn and asked for a handout.
The innkeeper turned him away with nothing, but the beggar sneaked into the kitchen where he saw a large pot of soup cooking over the fire.
He held his piece of bread over the steaming pot, hoping to thus capture a bit of flavor from the good-smelling vapor.
Suddenly the innkeeper seized him by the arm and accused him of stealing soup.
“I took no soup,” said the beggar.
“I was only smelling the vapor.”
“Then you must pay for the smell,” answered the innkeeper.
The poor beggar had no money, so the angry innkeeper dragged him before the qadi.
Now Nasreddin Hodja was at that time serving as qadi, and he heard the innkeeper’s complaint and the beggar’s explanation.
“So you demand payment for the smell of your soup?” summarized the Hodja after the hearing.
“Yes!” insisted the innkeeper.
“Then I myself will pay you,” said the Hodja, “and I will pay for the smell of your soup with the sound of money.”
Thus saying, the Hodja drew two coins from his pocket, rang them together loudly, put them back into his pocket, and sent the beggar and the innkeeper each on his own way.
A Priest & A Lawyer
The parts wanted to be Boss
14.
Johnny went to school one day and later that day his dad got a call saying he needs to pick up his son because he had had bang with a teacher.
When Johnny got home his dad was so happy he went out to the store and bought him a bike.
When they bought the bike Johnny was offered to ride the bike but he declined it and replied with my bum still hurts.
Superman and flash were in the living room
A guy goes on to a ship
Johnny went to school one day and later that day his dad got a call saying he needs to pick up his son because he had had bang with a teacher.
When Johnny got home his dad was so happy he went out to the store and bought him a bike.
When they bought the bike Johnny was offered to ride the bike but he declined it and replied with my bum still hurts.
Superman and flash were in the living room
A guy goes on to a ship
15.
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.”
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.”
This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.
“What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”
The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
“Okay” says the lawyer, “your turn.”
She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?”
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer.
He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?”
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Nasreddin Hodja had a buffalo
The Man Confesses To His Neighbor
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.”
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.”
This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.
“What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”
The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
“Okay” says the lawyer, “your turn.”
She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?”
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer.
He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?”
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Nasreddin Hodja had a buffalo
The Man Confesses To His Neighbor
16.
There was a little girl who really loved dolls.
She had a big collection of them in her bedroom.
One day, while she was browsing through a shop on her own, she spotted a really beautiful doll.
It would make a perfect addition to her collection.
She only hoped she had enough money to buy it.
“How much is that doll, ma’am?”, she asked the old woman behind the counter.
“This doll is not for sale”, replied the woman.
“But it’s so beautiful”, said the girl. “I really want it.”
The old woman became irritated.
“I told you, it’s not for sale”, she said.
“Why not?”, persisted the girl.
“Because this doll is cursed!”
“Well… That’s OK. I don’t mind.”
“I’m not going to sell it to you… But if you really must have it, go ahead and take it. It’s yours. But if something bad happens, don’t blame me.”
“Ah! Yes, thank you!” said the girl, smiling as she grabbed the doll and walked out of the shop.
The little girl was so delighted to get the doll for free that she ran all the way home, carrying it in her arms.
When she got home to her apartment building, she went into the lobby. It was deserted.
She stood there waiting for the elevator to arrive.
The doors opened and she stepped inside, clutching her new doll tightly.
The doors closed, but the elevator did not move.
The little girl got scared and began trembling with fear.
“OMG”, she thought to herself. “Is this the curse of the doll?”
Suddenly, she felt the doll move in her arms.
Ever so slowly, its head turned to face her.
The little girl wanted to scream but she couldn’t make a sound.
The doll’s eyelids fluttered and opened.
It stared at her with it’s lifeless glass eyes.
Then its mouth opened and it said, “Push the button to go up, bitch!”
The preacher has just finished an inspiring
A American traveling to Japan
There was a little girl who really loved dolls.
She had a big collection of them in her bedroom.
One day, while she was browsing through a shop on her own, she spotted a really beautiful doll.
It would make a perfect addition to her collection.
She only hoped she had enough money to buy it.
“How much is that doll, ma’am?”, she asked the old woman behind the counter.
“This doll is not for sale”, replied the woman.
“But it’s so beautiful”, said the girl. “I really want it.”
The old woman became irritated.
“I told you, it’s not for sale”, she said.
“Why not?”, persisted the girl.
“Because this doll is cursed!”
“Well… That’s OK. I don’t mind.”
“I’m not going to sell it to you… But if you really must have it, go ahead and take it. It’s yours. But if something bad happens, don’t blame me.”
“Ah! Yes, thank you!” said the girl, smiling as she grabbed the doll and walked out of the shop.
The little girl was so delighted to get the doll for free that she ran all the way home, carrying it in her arms.
When she got home to her apartment building, she went into the lobby. It was deserted.
She stood there waiting for the elevator to arrive.
The doors opened and she stepped inside, clutching her new doll tightly.
The doors closed, but the elevator did not move.
The little girl got scared and began trembling with fear.
“OMG”, she thought to herself. “Is this the curse of the doll?”
Suddenly, she felt the doll move in her arms.
Ever so slowly, its head turned to face her.
The little girl wanted to scream but she couldn’t make a sound.
The doll’s eyelids fluttered and opened.
It stared at her with it’s lifeless glass eyes.
Then its mouth opened and it said, “Push the button to go up, bitch!”
The preacher has just finished an inspiring
A American traveling to Japan
17.
A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog and it’s sitting in the seat next to him.
He thinks it’s unusual, but he likes dogs so he decides that as long as it’s not a distraction he won’t mention it.
The movie starts and pretty soon there’s a funny part.
The dog makes some low woofing sounds that seem like laughter.
In a little while there’s a sad part and the dog appears to be weeping.
This continues throughout the film and the man sitting behind the dog is astounded.
When the lights come up he taps the dog’s owner on the shoulder and tells him,
“I gotta say, and I know it sounds weird, but it seemed like your dog really enjoyed this movie.”
The dog owner looks at the dog and nods.
“I know, it really is weird,” he says,
“because he absolutely hated the book.”
A pig walks into a bar and orders
A guys walking down the street
A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog and it’s sitting in the seat next to him.
He thinks it’s unusual, but he likes dogs so he decides that as long as it’s not a distraction he won’t mention it.
The movie starts and pretty soon there’s a funny part.
The dog makes some low woofing sounds that seem like laughter.
In a little while there’s a sad part and the dog appears to be weeping.
This continues throughout the film and the man sitting behind the dog is astounded.
When the lights come up he taps the dog’s owner on the shoulder and tells him,
“I gotta say, and I know it sounds weird, but it seemed like your dog really enjoyed this movie.”
The dog owner looks at the dog and nods.
“I know, it really is weird,” he says,
“because he absolutely hated the book.”
A pig walks into a bar and orders
A guys walking down the street
18.
A very elderly couple were having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.
The old man leaned forward and said softly to his wife: “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children.
Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?”
The wife dropped her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed: “Yes. Yes he did.”
The old man was very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asked:
“Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”
Again, the old woman dropped her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she said: “You.”
A Indian boy goes to his mother
A husband said to his wife
A very elderly couple were having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.
The old man leaned forward and said softly to his wife: “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children.
Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?”
The wife dropped her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed: “Yes. Yes he did.”
The old man was very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asked:
“Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”
Again, the old woman dropped her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she said: “You.”
A Indian boy goes to his mother
A husband said to his wife
19.
Three drunkards were walking down the street when they came upon a pile of manure where they stopped.
The first drunkard, upon observation of the manure said to the other two, “Looks like it…”
The second, bending over it and sniffing, said to the other two, “smells like it…”
The third, sticking his finger in it, said, “feels like it.”
“Good thing we didn’t step in it”, they all agreed as they turned and walked away.
A blonde struggling with her weight
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down
Three drunkards were walking down the street when they came upon a pile of manure where they stopped.
The first drunkard, upon observation of the manure said to the other two, “Looks like it…”
The second, bending over it and sniffing, said to the other two, “smells like it…”
The third, sticking his finger in it, said, “feels like it.”
“Good thing we didn’t step in it”, they all agreed as they turned and walked away.
A blonde struggling with her weight
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down
20.
A married couple is sleeping when the phone rings at 3 AM.
The wife picks up the phone and, after a few seconds, replies, “How am I supposed to know? We’re 200 miles inland!” and hangs up.
Her husband rolls over and asks, “Sweetheart, who was that?”
“I don’t know, some dumb b!tch asking if the coast is clear.”
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer
A elderly couple were sitting together
A married couple is sleeping when the phone rings at 3 AM.
The wife picks up the phone and, after a few seconds, replies, “How am I supposed to know? We’re 200 miles inland!” and hangs up.
Her husband rolls over and asks, “Sweetheart, who was that?”
“I don’t know, some dumb b!tch asking if the coast is clear.”
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer
A elderly couple were sitting together
21.
A young man and a young woman were soon to be married, but they both had a problem they had never told anyone else about.
The man approached his father one day before the wedding and told him about his problem.
His feet REALLY stunk, even if he washed them constantly, he was worried that this would scare off his new bride, so he needed a solution, fast.
His father pondered the situation and finally told his son to wear socks constantly even to bed and always wash his feet whenever he got a chance.
The son thought about this and went along happy.
The same day the young lady approached her mother and told her about her problem.
Her morning breath was horrid.
Her mother reassured her and told her everyone had bad morning breath.
The young woman told her mother that this was not normal morning breath but easily the worst in the world.
The mother thinks about this and comes up with this bright idea.
She tells her daughter to get up earlier than everyone else and don’t say a thing, go make breakfast and then brush her teeth while the others are eating.
The young woman thinks and then runs off to get ready for the wedding, happy.
The couple is married and they are happy, him with his perpetual socks and her with her morning silences.
One morning about 5:30 am the young man wakes up to find one sock missing.
He starts rustling around in the bed looking for it, which of course wakes up his wife, who without thinking asks what’s wrong.
With a look of shock on his face the young man says, “OH MY GOD! You’ve swallowed my sock!”
This Asian lady married to an English man
A elderly couple had been experiencing
A young man and a young woman were soon to be married, but they both had a problem they had never told anyone else about.
The man approached his father one day before the wedding and told him about his problem.
His feet REALLY stunk, even if he washed them constantly, he was worried that this would scare off his new bride, so he needed a solution, fast.
His father pondered the situation and finally told his son to wear socks constantly even to bed and always wash his feet whenever he got a chance.
The son thought about this and went along happy.
The same day the young lady approached her mother and told her about her problem.
Her morning breath was horrid.
Her mother reassured her and told her everyone had bad morning breath.
The young woman told her mother that this was not normal morning breath but easily the worst in the world.
The mother thinks about this and comes up with this bright idea.
She tells her daughter to get up earlier than everyone else and don’t say a thing, go make breakfast and then brush her teeth while the others are eating.
The young woman thinks and then runs off to get ready for the wedding, happy.
The couple is married and they are happy, him with his perpetual socks and her with her morning silences.
One morning about 5:30 am the young man wakes up to find one sock missing.
He starts rustling around in the bed looking for it, which of course wakes up his wife, who without thinking asks what’s wrong.
With a look of shock on his face the young man says, “OH MY GOD! You’ve swallowed my sock!”
This Asian lady married to an English man
A elderly couple had been experiencing
22.
A typical tough-guy husband marries a beautiful, easygoing woman.
After the wedding, he lays down the law:
“I’ll come home whenever I want, stay out as late as I like, and I expect no complaints from you. Dinner should be ready unless I say I won’t be home.
I’ll go out hunting, fishing, drinking, and playing cards with my friends whenever I please, and I expect no push back. Those are my rules. Any questions?”
His new wife responds with a smile, “No problem! Just know that every night at seven, there will be make love here whether you’re home or not.”
A elderly couple was attending church
A little girl was sitting and watching her mother
A typical tough-guy husband marries a beautiful, easygoing woman.
After the wedding, he lays down the law:
“I’ll come home whenever I want, stay out as late as I like, and I expect no complaints from you. Dinner should be ready unless I say I won’t be home.
I’ll go out hunting, fishing, drinking, and playing cards with my friends whenever I please, and I expect no push back. Those are my rules. Any questions?”
His new wife responds with a smile, “No problem! Just know that every night at seven, there will be make love here whether you’re home or not.”
A elderly couple was attending church
A little girl was sitting and watching her mother
23.
Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school.
He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town.
He really wanted to impress everyone.
He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first.
One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk.
He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived.
As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone.
He motioned the man in, all the while talking…
“No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won’t settle this case for less than one million.”
“Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I’ll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support…”
“Okay. Tell the DA that I’ll meet with him next week to discuss the details…”
This sort of thing went on for almost 5 minutes.
All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions.
Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man.
“I’m sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I’m very busy. What can I do for you?”
The man replied “I’m from the phone company…I came to hook up your phone.”
Two guys were sitting outside
A nun and a priest were traveling
Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school.
He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town.
He really wanted to impress everyone.
He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first.
One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk.
He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived.
As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone.
He motioned the man in, all the while talking…
“No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won’t settle this case for less than one million.”
“Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I’ll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support…”
“Okay. Tell the DA that I’ll meet with him next week to discuss the details…”
This sort of thing went on for almost 5 minutes.
All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions.
Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man.
“I’m sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I’m very busy. What can I do for you?”
The man replied “I’m from the phone company…I came to hook up your phone.”
Two guys were sitting outside
A nun and a priest were traveling
24.
A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers:
“Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?”
The husband laughs and says:
“An Italian girl,…!!!”
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks:
“So, honey, how was the trip?”
“Very good, thank you.”
“And, what happened to my present?”
“Which present?” She asked.
“The one I asked for – an Italian girl,..!!”
“Oh, that” she said,
“Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl,… !!!”
There are several men sitting
An elderly man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well
A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers:
“Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?”
The husband laughs and says:
“An Italian girl,…!!!”
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks:
“So, honey, how was the trip?”
“Very good, thank you.”
“And, what happened to my present?”
“Which present?” She asked.
“The one I asked for – an Italian girl,..!!”
“Oh, that” she said,
“Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl,… !!!”
There are several men sitting
An elderly man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well
25.
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if it is make love after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact: “Marion… Marion.”
“Is that you, Bob?”
“Yes, I’ve come back as we agreed.”
“That’s wonderful! What’s it like?”
“Well, I get up in the morning, I have lovemaking. I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course.”
I have make love again, bathe in the warm sun and then have lovemaking a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch you’d be proud lots of greens.
Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have lovemaking the rest of the afternoon.
After supper, it’s back to golf course again.
Then it’s more lovemaking until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again”
“Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?”
“No I’m a rabbit in Kent’.”
A boy was walking down the street
A couple were in a busy shopping center
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if it is make love after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact: “Marion… Marion.”
“Is that you, Bob?”
“Yes, I’ve come back as we agreed.”
“That’s wonderful! What’s it like?”
“Well, I get up in the morning, I have lovemaking. I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course.”
I have make love again, bathe in the warm sun and then have lovemaking a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch you’d be proud lots of greens.
Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have lovemaking the rest of the afternoon.
After supper, it’s back to golf course again.
Then it’s more lovemaking until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again”
“Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?”
“No I’m a rabbit in Kent’.”
A boy was walking down the street
A couple were in a busy shopping center
26.
Two lawyers arrive at the pub and ordered a couple of drinks.
They then take sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat.
Seeing this, the angry publican approaches them and says,
‘Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!’
The two look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches.
The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain
Little Johnny was eating breakfast
Two lawyers arrive at the pub and ordered a couple of drinks.
They then take sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat.
Seeing this, the angry publican approaches them and says,
‘Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!’
The two look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches.
The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain
Little Johnny was eating breakfast
27.
A man hasn’t been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.
Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.
“I’m afraid I have some very bad news,” the doctor says: “You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.”
“Oh, that’s terrible!” says the man: “How long have I got?”
“You have 10,” the doctor says sadly.
“What do you mean, 10?” the man asks: “10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!”
“Nine, eight….”
A lady walks into the drug store
A blonde was driving down the road
A man hasn’t been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.
Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.
“I’m afraid I have some very bad news,” the doctor says: “You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.”
“Oh, that’s terrible!” says the man: “How long have I got?”
“You have 10,” the doctor says sadly.
“What do you mean, 10?” the man asks: “10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!”
“Nine, eight….”
A lady walks into the drug store
A blonde was driving down the road
28.
Becky was the manager of a jewelry store that catered to the rich of the rich in Boca Raton.
She was seeking a qualified person to fill the recently vacant position of salesperson.
Sarah, an outspoken older woman, comes in to interview for the position.
Becky looks at Sarah’s resume and notices that Sarah has never worked in jewelry before.
“If you don’t mind my saying so, for someone who has never worked in jewelry you certainly are asking a pretty high salary.
That’s chutzpah, wouldn’t you say?!?” asks Becky.
Sarah thinks for a moment.
“Well, I suppose I am,” replies Sarah, “but you must understand, the work is so much harder when you don’t know what you are doing.
Morris had died
A man drove past a traffic camera
Becky was the manager of a jewelry store that catered to the rich of the rich in Boca Raton.
She was seeking a qualified person to fill the recently vacant position of salesperson.
Sarah, an outspoken older woman, comes in to interview for the position.
Becky looks at Sarah’s resume and notices that Sarah has never worked in jewelry before.
“If you don’t mind my saying so, for someone who has never worked in jewelry you certainly are asking a pretty high salary.
That’s chutzpah, wouldn’t you say?!?” asks Becky.
Sarah thinks for a moment.
“Well, I suppose I am,” replies Sarah, “but you must understand, the work is so much harder when you don’t know what you are doing.
Morris had died
A man drove past a traffic camera
29.
An older couple wakes up in the morning and the husband looks over at his wife and says, “Wow! You wouldn’t believe the dream I had…”
The wife replies, “Yes, go on tell me.”
So the husband says “I had a dream that you left me after 20 years of being married.”
The wife says, “Oh, it sounds more like a nightmare.”
The husband says, “No, I am sure it was a dream.”
She told her mother
A man and his wife were sitting
An older couple wakes up in the morning and the husband looks over at his wife and says, “Wow! You wouldn’t believe the dream I had…”
The wife replies, “Yes, go on tell me.”
So the husband says “I had a dream that you left me after 20 years of being married.”
The wife says, “Oh, it sounds more like a nightmare.”
The husband says, “No, I am sure it was a dream.”
She told her mother
A man and his wife were sitting
30.
An elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken into.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: “They’ve stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!” she cried.
The dispatcher said, “Stay calm. An officer is on the way.”
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. “Disregard.”
He says. “She got in the back seat by mistake.”
There were two men at a bar
A blonde struggling with her weight
An elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken into.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: “They’ve stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!” she cried.
The dispatcher said, “Stay calm. An officer is on the way.”
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. “Disregard.”
He says. “She got in the back seat by mistake.”
There were two men at a bar
A blonde struggling with her weight
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eng jokes