1.
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.”
“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.”
“Don’t burden him with chores. Don’t discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.”
“If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, “What did the doctor say?”
“He said you’re going to die,” she replied.
A husband and a wife sit at the table
A old man and his wife are in bed
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.”
“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.”
“Don’t burden him with chores. Don’t discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.”
“If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, “What did the doctor say?”
“He said you’re going to die,” she replied.
A husband and a wife sit at the table
A old man and his wife are in bed
2.
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
‘What was that for?’ he asked.
‘That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,’ she replied.
‘Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,’ he explained.
‘Oh honey, I’m sorry,’ she said.
‘I should have known there was a good explanation.’
Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked, ‘What the hell was that for?’
‘Your horse called!’
A guy gets home late one night
A police officer pulls over an elderly couple
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
‘What was that for?’ he asked.
‘That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,’ she replied.
‘Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,’ he explained.
‘Oh honey, I’m sorry,’ she said.
‘I should have known there was a good explanation.’
Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked, ‘What the hell was that for?’
‘Your horse called!’
A guy gets home late one night
A police officer pulls over an elderly couple
3.
An elderly man went to a doctor with multiple complaints.
“I see spots before my eyes,” he said.
“It’s due to old age,” said the doctor.
“No food agrees with me,” said the man.
“That too is due to old age,” said the doctor.
“The digestive system becomes weaker as we grow older.”
“My back is giving trouble,” persisted the man.
“Sometimes the pain becomes unbearable.”
“Old age,” said the doctor.
This was too much for the man.
“Why do you go on saying ‘old age, old age’,” he screamed.
“If you cannot cure me, say so. I’ll go elsewhere.”
“See how easily you lost you temper,” said the doctor.
“That is another characteristic of old age.”
At last, old man slaps him, doctor asks,
“Why did you slap me?”
Old man said
“This is also due to old age, you see.”
Two men were waiting at a bus stop
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop
An elderly man went to a doctor with multiple complaints.
“I see spots before my eyes,” he said.
“It’s due to old age,” said the doctor.
“No food agrees with me,” said the man.
“That too is due to old age,” said the doctor.
“The digestive system becomes weaker as we grow older.”
“My back is giving trouble,” persisted the man.
“Sometimes the pain becomes unbearable.”
“Old age,” said the doctor.
This was too much for the man.
“Why do you go on saying ‘old age, old age’,” he screamed.
“If you cannot cure me, say so. I’ll go elsewhere.”
“See how easily you lost you temper,” said the doctor.
“That is another characteristic of old age.”
At last, old man slaps him, doctor asks,
“Why did you slap me?”
Old man said
“This is also due to old age, you see.”
Two men were waiting at a bus stop
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop
4.
Jack goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, I’m having trouble getting my weapon hand job. Can you help me?”
After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, “Well, the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your weapon are damaged.
There’s really nothing I can do for you unless you are willing to try an experimental treatment.”
Jack asks sadly, “What is this treatment?”
“Well,” the doctor explains, “what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your weapon.”
Jack thinks about it silently then says, “Well the thought of going through life without ever having lovemaking again is too much, let’s go for it.”
A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment.
He planned a romantic evening and took his date to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.
In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being uncomfortable.
To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly.
His weapon immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his pants.
His date was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, “That was incredible! Can you do that again?”
Jack replied, “Well, I guess so, but I don’t think I can fit another roll in my bum.”
A elderly man goes into a night house
A man and woman were discussing
Jack goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, I’m having trouble getting my weapon hand job. Can you help me?”
After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, “Well, the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your weapon are damaged.
There’s really nothing I can do for you unless you are willing to try an experimental treatment.”
Jack asks sadly, “What is this treatment?”
“Well,” the doctor explains, “what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your weapon.”
Jack thinks about it silently then says, “Well the thought of going through life without ever having lovemaking again is too much, let’s go for it.”
A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment.
He planned a romantic evening and took his date to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.
In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being uncomfortable.
To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly.
His weapon immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his pants.
His date was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, “That was incredible! Can you do that again?”
Jack replied, “Well, I guess so, but I don’t think I can fit another roll in my bum.”
A elderly man goes into a night house
A man and woman were discussing
5.
An old lady calls 911 late one night.
So an old lady calls 911 late one night.
The dispatcher answers “911, what is your emergency?”
“There appear to be two men rummaging through my shed.”
“A breaking and entering? We’ll have an officer over in an hour.”
“An hour? But they won’t be here in an hour. They’re breaking and entering now.”
“Ma’am, no officers are available right now. We’ll send a squad car by in an hour.”
The old lady hangs up, then calls back a few minutes later.
“911, what is your emergency?”
“I’m the lady who called about the two men breaking into my shed. You don’t have to send anyone. They are unconscious now something happens to them.”
Within a few minutes, there are police all over her yard.
The men are apprehended, and the commanding-officer-on-scene goes up to take the woman’s statement.
“One other thing… I thought you told the 911 dispatcher that you had shot the men?”
“And I thought the 911 dispatcher had told me that there were no officers available.”
A senior citizens group charters a bus
A old couple in an old folks home
An old lady calls 911 late one night.
So an old lady calls 911 late one night.
The dispatcher answers “911, what is your emergency?”
“There appear to be two men rummaging through my shed.”
“A breaking and entering? We’ll have an officer over in an hour.”
“An hour? But they won’t be here in an hour. They’re breaking and entering now.”
“Ma’am, no officers are available right now. We’ll send a squad car by in an hour.”
The old lady hangs up, then calls back a few minutes later.
“911, what is your emergency?”
“I’m the lady who called about the two men breaking into my shed. You don’t have to send anyone. They are unconscious now something happens to them.”
Within a few minutes, there are police all over her yard.
The men are apprehended, and the commanding-officer-on-scene goes up to take the woman’s statement.
“One other thing… I thought you told the 911 dispatcher that you had shot the men?”
“And I thought the 911 dispatcher had told me that there were no officers available.”
A senior citizens group charters a bus
A old couple in an old folks home
6.
The old man was a witness in a burglary trial.
The defense lawyer asks Sam, “Did you see my client commit this burglary?”
“Yes,” said Sam, “I saw him plainly take the goods.”
The lawyer asks Sam again, “Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?”
“Yes,” says Sam, “I saw him do it.”
Then the lawyer asks Sam, “Sam listen, you are 80 years old and your eyesight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?”
Sam says, “I can see the moon, how far is that?”
A Hunter walking through the jungle
Two man went bear hunting
The old man was a witness in a burglary trial.
The defense lawyer asks Sam, “Did you see my client commit this burglary?”
“Yes,” said Sam, “I saw him plainly take the goods.”
The lawyer asks Sam again, “Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?”
“Yes,” says Sam, “I saw him do it.”
Then the lawyer asks Sam, “Sam listen, you are 80 years old and your eyesight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?”
Sam says, “I can see the moon, how far is that?”
A Hunter walking through the jungle
Two man went bear hunting
7.
Dear Wife,
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you for good.
I’ve been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn’t even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut,
cooked your favorite meal, and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers later that night.
You came home, nibbled at your food for two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.
You don’t tell me you love me anymore, You don’t want make love anymore or anything.
Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me. Whichever is the case,… I’m gone.
Signed,
Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don’t try to find me. Your sister and I are moving away to West Virginia together.
Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband,
Nothing has made my day more enjoyable than receiving your letter.
It’s true that you and I have been married for seven years,
although a ‘good man’ is a far away from what you’ve been.
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping.
It’s just too bad it doesn’t work.
Yes, I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, and actually the first thing that came to my mind was “You look just like a girl” but my mother raised me not to say anything at all if you can’t say anything nice.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them.
I prayed that it was just a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your silk boxers were $49.99…
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.
So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for twenty million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Hawaii.
But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you’ve always wanted.
My lawyer said with the letter that you wrote, you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed: Rich As Hell and Freeeeeeeeeeee!
P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this but my sister ‘Carla’ was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem for you.
Dry humor about water
A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady
Dear Wife,
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you for good.
I’ve been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn’t even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut,
cooked your favorite meal, and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers later that night.
You came home, nibbled at your food for two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.
You don’t tell me you love me anymore, You don’t want make love anymore or anything.
Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me. Whichever is the case,… I’m gone.
Signed,
Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don’t try to find me. Your sister and I are moving away to West Virginia together.
Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband,
Nothing has made my day more enjoyable than receiving your letter.
It’s true that you and I have been married for seven years,
although a ‘good man’ is a far away from what you’ve been.
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping.
It’s just too bad it doesn’t work.
Yes, I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, and actually the first thing that came to my mind was “You look just like a girl” but my mother raised me not to say anything at all if you can’t say anything nice.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them.
I prayed that it was just a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your silk boxers were $49.99…
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.
So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for twenty million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Hawaii.
But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you’ve always wanted.
My lawyer said with the letter that you wrote, you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed: Rich As Hell and Freeeeeeeeeeee!
P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this but my sister ‘Carla’ was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem for you.
Dry humor about water
A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady
8.
There is an overweight guy who is watching TV.
A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week.
So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it.
Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”
As soon as he sees her, she takes off running.
He tries to catch her, but is unable.
This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds.
After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week.
The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions.
The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her.
This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less.
Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program.
Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan.
Still he signs up.
The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, “If I catch you, you’re mine!”
The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.
This little guy sitting in a bar
A business man got on an elevator in a building
There is an overweight guy who is watching TV.
A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week.
So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it.
Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”
As soon as he sees her, she takes off running.
He tries to catch her, but is unable.
This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds.
After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week.
The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions.
The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her.
This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less.
Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program.
Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan.
Still he signs up.
The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, “If I catch you, you’re mine!”
The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.
This little guy sitting in a bar
A business man got on an elevator in a building
9.
During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general.
“You simpleton!” the officer barked.
“Don’t you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?”
“Yes sir,” the solder answered apologetically.
“But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice and I never moved a muscle.
When a large dog peed on my lower branches but when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say,
“Let’s eat one now and save the other until winter’ —that did it.”
Teacher & johnny
A elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank
During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general.
“You simpleton!” the officer barked.
“Don’t you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?”
“Yes sir,” the solder answered apologetically.
“But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice and I never moved a muscle.
When a large dog peed on my lower branches but when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say,
“Let’s eat one now and save the other until winter’ —that did it.”
Teacher & johnny
A elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank
10.
An old man goes to his doctor, complaining about a pain in his leg that doesn’t heal and wants a diagnosis and explanation.
The doctor checks out his leg, but can’t find anything wrong.
So he gives the old guy a full physical exam, and still can’t come up with any possible explanation for the pain.
The doctor hands the patient his bill and says, “I’m sorry but the pain in your leg is simply caused by old age, there’s nothing I can do about it.”
The old man replies with a look of disbelief, “That’s impossible! That can’t be!”
The Doctor says, “What do you mean? I’m the expert here; if you know so much, how can you say it’s NOT old age?”
The patient answers, “I’m no doctor but it doesn’t take a medical degree to tell that your diagnosis is wrong.
Clearly you’re mistaken. After all my other leg feels just fine.”
“So what?” says the doctor “What difference does that make?”
“Well it doesn’t hurt a bit, and it’s the SAME AGE!”
A Irishman is in the bar
A woman went shopping
An old man goes to his doctor, complaining about a pain in his leg that doesn’t heal and wants a diagnosis and explanation.
The doctor checks out his leg, but can’t find anything wrong.
So he gives the old guy a full physical exam, and still can’t come up with any possible explanation for the pain.
The doctor hands the patient his bill and says, “I’m sorry but the pain in your leg is simply caused by old age, there’s nothing I can do about it.”
The old man replies with a look of disbelief, “That’s impossible! That can’t be!”
The Doctor says, “What do you mean? I’m the expert here; if you know so much, how can you say it’s NOT old age?”
The patient answers, “I’m no doctor but it doesn’t take a medical degree to tell that your diagnosis is wrong.
Clearly you’re mistaken. After all my other leg feels just fine.”
“So what?” says the doctor “What difference does that make?”
“Well it doesn’t hurt a bit, and it’s the SAME AGE!”
A Irishman is in the bar
A woman went shopping
11.
A little girl and a little boy are sitting in the sand pit.
They are showing their private parts.
They both ask each other ”what is it?”
They both replied ”I don’t know?” so that same day when the boy went home he asked his dad what it was his dad said ”It’s a red farahri you can park it in any pink garage.”
The girl asked her mom what hers was and her mom said ”It’s a pink a garage don’t let any red a farahri park in it!”
The next day the girl came home with blood all over her hands.
Her mom said ”whats that?”
Girl: Blood!”
Mom: ”From what?”
Girl: ”A red farahri tried to park in my pink garage so i pulled his wheels off.
Anna and blonde are walking home
Three guys are on a plane
A little girl and a little boy are sitting in the sand pit.
They are showing their private parts.
They both ask each other ”what is it?”
They both replied ”I don’t know?” so that same day when the boy went home he asked his dad what it was his dad said ”It’s a red farahri you can park it in any pink garage.”
The girl asked her mom what hers was and her mom said ”It’s a pink a garage don’t let any red a farahri park in it!”
The next day the girl came home with blood all over her hands.
Her mom said ”whats that?”
Girl: Blood!”
Mom: ”From what?”
Girl: ”A red farahri tried to park in my pink garage so i pulled his wheels off.
Anna and blonde are walking home
Three guys are on a plane
12.
A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again:
The boy asked, “What is this Father?”
The father never having seen an elevator responded!
“Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don”t know what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son…
“Go get your Mother!”
A elderly man went to a doctor
A man was dragged to the cinema by his wife
A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again:
The boy asked, “What is this Father?”
The father never having seen an elevator responded!
“Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don”t know what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son…
“Go get your Mother!”
A elderly man went to a doctor
A man was dragged to the cinema by his wife
13.
A husband and wife have four sons.
The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.
The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said,
“Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?”
The wife replied, “I swear on everything that’s holy that he is your son.”
With that, the husband passed away.
The wife muttered, “Thank God he didn’t ask about the other three.”
A man eating grass by the roadside
A married couple was in a terrible accident
A husband and wife have four sons.
The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.
The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said,
“Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?”
The wife replied, “I swear on everything that’s holy that he is your son.”
With that, the husband passed away.
The wife muttered, “Thank God he didn’t ask about the other three.”
A man eating grass by the roadside
A married couple was in a terrible accident
14.
On Christmas Eve, the king invited the prime minister to join him for their usual walk together
He enjoyed seeing the decorations in the streets, but since he didn’t want his subjects to spend too much money on these just to please him.
The two men always disguised themselves as traders from some far distant land.
They walked through the center of the city, admiring the lights, the Christmas trees, the candles burning on the steps of the houses, the stalls selling gifts, and the men, women and children hurrying off to celebrate a family Christmas around a table laden with food.
On the way back, they passed through a poorer area, where the atmosphere was quite different.
There were no lights, no candles, no delicious smells of food about to be served there was hardly a soul in the street, and, as he did every year, the king remarked to the prime minister that he really must pay more attention to the poor in his kingdom.
The prime minister nodded, knowing that the matter would soon be forgotten again, buried beneath the day-to-day bureaucracy of budgets to be approved and discussions with foreign dignitaries.
Suddenly, they heard music coming from one of the poorest houses.
The hut was so ramshackle and the rotten wooden timbers so full of cracks, that they were able to peer through and see what was happening inside.
And what they saw was utterly absurd: an old man in a wheelchair apparently crying, a shaven-headed young woman dancing, and a young man with sad eyes shaking a tambourine and singing a folk song.
‘I’m going to find out what they’re up to,’ said the king.
He knocked the music stopped, and the young man came to the door.
‘We are merchants in search of a place to sleep we heard the music, saw that you were still awake, and wondered if we could spend the night here.’
‘You can find shelter in a hotel in the city we, alas, cannot help you despite the music, this house is full of sadness and suffering.’
‘And may we know why?’
‘It’s all because of me.’ It was the old man in the wheelchair who spoke.
‘I’ve spent my life teaching my son calligraphy, so that he could one day get a job as a palace scribe.
But the years have passed and no post has ever come up and then, last night, I had a stupid dream: an angel appeared to me and asked me to buy a silver goblet because, the angel said, the king would be coming to visit me.
He would drink from the goblet and give my son a job.
A old Man walked into the bank
Two Irishmen Are Lost At Sea
On Christmas Eve, the king invited the prime minister to join him for their usual walk together
He enjoyed seeing the decorations in the streets, but since he didn’t want his subjects to spend too much money on these just to please him.
The two men always disguised themselves as traders from some far distant land.
They walked through the center of the city, admiring the lights, the Christmas trees, the candles burning on the steps of the houses, the stalls selling gifts, and the men, women and children hurrying off to celebrate a family Christmas around a table laden with food.
On the way back, they passed through a poorer area, where the atmosphere was quite different.
There were no lights, no candles, no delicious smells of food about to be served there was hardly a soul in the street, and, as he did every year, the king remarked to the prime minister that he really must pay more attention to the poor in his kingdom.
The prime minister nodded, knowing that the matter would soon be forgotten again, buried beneath the day-to-day bureaucracy of budgets to be approved and discussions with foreign dignitaries.
Suddenly, they heard music coming from one of the poorest houses.
The hut was so ramshackle and the rotten wooden timbers so full of cracks, that they were able to peer through and see what was happening inside.
And what they saw was utterly absurd: an old man in a wheelchair apparently crying, a shaven-headed young woman dancing, and a young man with sad eyes shaking a tambourine and singing a folk song.
‘I’m going to find out what they’re up to,’ said the king.
He knocked the music stopped, and the young man came to the door.
‘We are merchants in search of a place to sleep we heard the music, saw that you were still awake, and wondered if we could spend the night here.’
‘You can find shelter in a hotel in the city we, alas, cannot help you despite the music, this house is full of sadness and suffering.’
‘And may we know why?’
‘It’s all because of me.’ It was the old man in the wheelchair who spoke.
‘I’ve spent my life teaching my son calligraphy, so that he could one day get a job as a palace scribe.
But the years have passed and no post has ever come up and then, last night, I had a stupid dream: an angel appeared to me and asked me to buy a silver goblet because, the angel said, the king would be coming to visit me.
He would drink from the goblet and give my son a job.
A old Man walked into the bank
Two Irishmen Are Lost At Sea
15.
A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, “May I have 50 Christmas stamps?”
The clerk says, “What denomination?”
The woman says, “God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.”
A woman was terribly overweight
Two drunks are walking along
A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, “May I have 50 Christmas stamps?”
The clerk says, “What denomination?”
The woman says, “God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.”
A woman was terribly overweight
Two drunks are walking along
16.
If you let me touch your wife’s bum and smack it, i will pay you $100,000 says a guy to his best friend.
His friend gets furious and asks him to mind what he is saying.
Later in the evening the best friend tells this incident to his wife, and she got more angry at him to deny such an offer.
She says, “you can stand right there with us, he is not gonna make love me.
I mean $100,000 for touching and smacking my bum is worth it, we can buy hell lot of stuff”.
The husband agrees and calls his friend over the next day to touch and smack his wife’s bum.
Everyone is in the room now, the wife comes over, removes her skirt and his friend starts touching and feeling his wife’s bum.
Two minutes passed and he is still touching and feeling it.
The husband got angry and screamed, “yo idiot, smack the bum now, enough”
The friend replied, “how can I smack dude, I don’t have $100,000.
Grandpa what is couple
A woman meets a man in a bar
If you let me touch your wife’s bum and smack it, i will pay you $100,000 says a guy to his best friend.
His friend gets furious and asks him to mind what he is saying.
Later in the evening the best friend tells this incident to his wife, and she got more angry at him to deny such an offer.
She says, “you can stand right there with us, he is not gonna make love me.
I mean $100,000 for touching and smacking my bum is worth it, we can buy hell lot of stuff”.
The husband agrees and calls his friend over the next day to touch and smack his wife’s bum.
Everyone is in the room now, the wife comes over, removes her skirt and his friend starts touching and feeling his wife’s bum.
Two minutes passed and he is still touching and feeling it.
The husband got angry and screamed, “yo idiot, smack the bum now, enough”
The friend replied, “how can I smack dude, I don’t have $100,000.
Grandpa what is couple
A woman meets a man in a bar
17.
Sam called his wife and said to her in a weak voice, “Hey baby, I was driving to a coffee shop to meet Mary when all of a sudden, a stray dog came in the way.
I tried to steer left to avoid running it down, but the car skidded due to high speed, rolled over and almost ran off the cliff.
The car was hanging nose down over the cliff, as I looked down fearing impending death.
“I just managed to climb out of the car and save my life, just before the car fell over the cliff crashing thousands of feet below and was blown into smithereens.”
Sam continued, “I was taken to a hospital. I have a broken leg, broken jaw, dislocated shoulder and several injuries on my head.”
There was silence on the phone, then the wife asked, “Who is Mary?”
A couple was going out
A wife come home from a shopping
Sam called his wife and said to her in a weak voice, “Hey baby, I was driving to a coffee shop to meet Mary when all of a sudden, a stray dog came in the way.
I tried to steer left to avoid running it down, but the car skidded due to high speed, rolled over and almost ran off the cliff.
The car was hanging nose down over the cliff, as I looked down fearing impending death.
“I just managed to climb out of the car and save my life, just before the car fell over the cliff crashing thousands of feet below and was blown into smithereens.”
Sam continued, “I was taken to a hospital. I have a broken leg, broken jaw, dislocated shoulder and several injuries on my head.”
There was silence on the phone, then the wife asked, “Who is Mary?”
A couple was going out
A wife come home from a shopping
18.
It was a bright Sunday morning and Mr. Smith is reading his morning paper at the front porch when his only child came up to him.
“Dad, I’m pregnant,” confessed the child.
Mr. Smith just looked up, shook his head, and continued reading.
“That’s it? Aren’t you going to say something? Are you mad? Are you happy? Won’t you even congratulate me?” cried the child.
Mr. Smith calmly looked at the child and said, “What is wrong with you, Robert?”
He tells his doctor of his concern
Johnny was curious about her mother
It was a bright Sunday morning and Mr. Smith is reading his morning paper at the front porch when his only child came up to him.
“Dad, I’m pregnant,” confessed the child.
Mr. Smith just looked up, shook his head, and continued reading.
“That’s it? Aren’t you going to say something? Are you mad? Are you happy? Won’t you even congratulate me?” cried the child.
Mr. Smith calmly looked at the child and said, “What is wrong with you, Robert?”
He tells his doctor of his concern
Johnny was curious about her mother
19.
The pilot announced, “Uh, Folks, we just experienced some turbulence, which caused some engine troubles on our left wing.
Luckily, this jet is equipped with 4 engines, and we still have 3 functional engines!
Because of the engine issues we will be arriving at our destination 30 minutes later than scheduled.”
The passengers all groaned and went back to sleeping, reading, and watching their movies.
Not long afterwards, they felt more turbulence, and again heard the pilot say,
“OK so we just lost our second engine, but not to worry, we are still running well on two engines.
We will arrive at our destination 1 hour later than scheduled.”
The passengers exchanged worried looks and started talking among themselves.
Again, they felt the jet dip and rumble, and again, they heard the pilot say,
“We lost our third engine, and we will arrive 2 hours later than scheduled at our destination.
My apologies for the inconveniences this delay is causing all of you.”
This time, a frustrated looking passenger wearing a business suit stood up and yelled,
“At this rate, if we lose another engine, it’ll take all day to get there!”
Three women die together
The detective walks around the scene
The pilot announced, “Uh, Folks, we just experienced some turbulence, which caused some engine troubles on our left wing.
Luckily, this jet is equipped with 4 engines, and we still have 3 functional engines!
Because of the engine issues we will be arriving at our destination 30 minutes later than scheduled.”
The passengers all groaned and went back to sleeping, reading, and watching their movies.
Not long afterwards, they felt more turbulence, and again heard the pilot say,
“OK so we just lost our second engine, but not to worry, we are still running well on two engines.
We will arrive at our destination 1 hour later than scheduled.”
The passengers exchanged worried looks and started talking among themselves.
Again, they felt the jet dip and rumble, and again, they heard the pilot say,
“We lost our third engine, and we will arrive 2 hours later than scheduled at our destination.
My apologies for the inconveniences this delay is causing all of you.”
This time, a frustrated looking passenger wearing a business suit stood up and yelled,
“At this rate, if we lose another engine, it’ll take all day to get there!”
Three women die together
The detective walks around the scene
20.
Lying on his deathbed, an elderly man made his final request to his wife:
“Honey, I’m almost out of time and there’s something I’d like you to do for me when I’m gone.”
She nodded her head and said,
“You can count on me. Anything you ask, I’ll make sure it’s done.”
“I want you to wed my buddy, Jacob,” he said, his voice filled with emotion.
Astonished, his wife replied,
“Jacob? But I thought you couldn’t stand him!”
He smiled and looked into her eyes as he answered,
“That’s precisely why…”
A woman wakes up in the night
A mother and father took their son
Lying on his deathbed, an elderly man made his final request to his wife:
“Honey, I’m almost out of time and there’s something I’d like you to do for me when I’m gone.”
She nodded her head and said,
“You can count on me. Anything you ask, I’ll make sure it’s done.”
“I want you to wed my buddy, Jacob,” he said, his voice filled with emotion.
Astonished, his wife replied,
“Jacob? But I thought you couldn’t stand him!”
He smiled and looked into her eyes as he answered,
“That’s precisely why…”
A woman wakes up in the night
A mother and father took their son
21.
A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.
“What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?”
“Throw out an anchor, Sir.”
“What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?”
“Throw out another anchor, Sir.”
“And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?”
“Throw out another anchor.”
“Hold on,” said the Captain, “where are you getting all your anchors from?”
“From the same place you re getting your storms, sir.”
The teacher asked the class
Once there was a business executive
A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.
“What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?”
“Throw out an anchor, Sir.”
“What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?”
“Throw out another anchor, Sir.”
“And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?”
“Throw out another anchor.”
“Hold on,” said the Captain, “where are you getting all your anchors from?”
“From the same place you re getting your storms, sir.”
The teacher asked the class
Once there was a business executive
22.
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
“Of course, my son,” said the priest.
“Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.”
“That’s a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess,” said the priest.
“It’s worse, Father; I was weak, I asked her to pay for the attic with make love favors and she accepted,” continued the old man.
“Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk you would have suffered terribly at their hands of the Germans had they found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly,” said the priest.
“Thanks, Father,” said the old man. “That’s a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?”
“Of course, my son,” said the priest.
The old man asked, “Do I need to tell her that the war is over?”
She told her new husband
Johnny going to his first day of school
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
“Of course, my son,” said the priest.
“Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.”
“That’s a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess,” said the priest.
“It’s worse, Father; I was weak, I asked her to pay for the attic with make love favors and she accepted,” continued the old man.
“Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk you would have suffered terribly at their hands of the Germans had they found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly,” said the priest.
“Thanks, Father,” said the old man. “That’s a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?”
“Of course, my son,” said the priest.
The old man asked, “Do I need to tell her that the war is over?”
She told her new husband
Johnny going to his first day of school
23.
Wife’s Diary: Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
The conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.
He agreed, but he didn’t say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, “nothing.”
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
He smiled slightly and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior.
I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly and watched TV.
He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.
But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep; I cried. I don’t know what to do.
I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
Husband’s Diary, same day: A two-foot putt… Who the hell misses a two-foot putt?
A child asked his father
Wife had delivered twins
Wife’s Diary: Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
The conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.
He agreed, but he didn’t say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, “nothing.”
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
He smiled slightly and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior.
I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly and watched TV.
He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.
But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep; I cried. I don’t know what to do.
I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
Husband’s Diary, same day: A two-foot putt… Who the hell misses a two-foot putt?
A child asked his father
Wife had delivered twins
24.
A man enters a police station and says to the officer
A man enters a police station and says to the officer
25.
A student at college had failed his final law papers and was obviously not happy, he questioned the professor & decided to make a deal with him ‘professor, do u consider yourself to know everything about the law?
He asked. ‘Absolutely, otherwise i would not be capable of standing in front of u & lecturing u on the subject’ he replied.
The student continued; if u can answer this question, I will agree with u & accept my final marks, if u cannot, u have to give me an ‘A” the professor laughed but agreed.
The boy continued, ‘what is legal but not logical, logical but not legal & neither legal nor logical?
The professor thought about it for hours and pondered no answer.
He had to finally give up as he really did not know.
He gave the boy his ‘A’ the following day at lecture, the professor was still struggling with dis unknown mystery & decided to pose the question to his students: class, what is legal but not logical, logical but not legal & neither legal nor logical?
He paused for a second in shock when all students raised their hands with a possible answer.
He pointed out one student and waited: “sir, u’re 65, married to a 28 yr old woman, this is legal but not logical, ur wife, is having an affair with a 23 year old boy, this is logical but not legal, ur wife’s boyfriend has failed his exam & yet u have given him an ‘A’, That is neither logical nor legal”.
A blonde walked into a department store
Three fathers are talking about their sons
A student at college had failed his final law papers and was obviously not happy, he questioned the professor & decided to make a deal with him ‘professor, do u consider yourself to know everything about the law?
He asked. ‘Absolutely, otherwise i would not be capable of standing in front of u & lecturing u on the subject’ he replied.
The student continued; if u can answer this question, I will agree with u & accept my final marks, if u cannot, u have to give me an ‘A” the professor laughed but agreed.
The boy continued, ‘what is legal but not logical, logical but not legal & neither legal nor logical?
The professor thought about it for hours and pondered no answer.
He had to finally give up as he really did not know.
He gave the boy his ‘A’ the following day at lecture, the professor was still struggling with dis unknown mystery & decided to pose the question to his students: class, what is legal but not logical, logical but not legal & neither legal nor logical?
He paused for a second in shock when all students raised their hands with a possible answer.
He pointed out one student and waited: “sir, u’re 65, married to a 28 yr old woman, this is legal but not logical, ur wife, is having an affair with a 23 year old boy, this is logical but not legal, ur wife’s boyfriend has failed his exam & yet u have given him an ‘A’, That is neither logical nor legal”.
A blonde walked into a department store
Three fathers are talking about their sons
26.
Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, ‘Here, you hold this high so I can see what I am doing!’
Soon a baby boy was brought into the world.
‘Whoa there’, said the doctor, ‘Don’t be in such a rush to put that lantern down, I think there’s another one coming.’
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
‘Hold that lantern up, don’t set it down there’s another one!’ said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.
‘No, don’t be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there’s yet another one coming!’ cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor,
‘You reckon it might be the light that’s attraction’ ’em?’
A man went to God
He lies dying on the sidewalk
Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, ‘Here, you hold this high so I can see what I am doing!’
Soon a baby boy was brought into the world.
‘Whoa there’, said the doctor, ‘Don’t be in such a rush to put that lantern down, I think there’s another one coming.’
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
‘Hold that lantern up, don’t set it down there’s another one!’ said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.
‘No, don’t be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there’s yet another one coming!’ cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor,
‘You reckon it might be the light that’s attraction’ ’em?’
A man went to God
He lies dying on the sidewalk
27.
A little boy comes down for breakfast and his mother asks if he had done his chores.
“Not yet,” says the little boy.
His mother tells him that until he completes them, he won’t be getting any breakfast.
Well, he’s a little angry, so he goes to feed the chickens and kicks one.
He goes to feed the cows, and kicks a cow as well.
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
“How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.
“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren’t getting any milk.”
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, “Are you going to tell him, or shall I?”
A old man and his wife lived deep hills
A couple was dining out
A little boy comes down for breakfast and his mother asks if he had done his chores.
“Not yet,” says the little boy.
His mother tells him that until he completes them, he won’t be getting any breakfast.
Well, he’s a little angry, so he goes to feed the chickens and kicks one.
He goes to feed the cows, and kicks a cow as well.
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
“How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.
“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren’t getting any milk.”
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, “Are you going to tell him, or shall I?”
A old man and his wife lived deep hills
A couple was dining out
28.
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, “Ain’t no use knocking’!
There’s no paper on this side either!”
One night a lady came home
Mother superior tells two new nuns
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, “Ain’t no use knocking’!
There’s no paper on this side either!”
One night a lady came home
Mother superior tells two new nuns
29.
The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake.
He didn’t bring his swimming trunks, but who cared? He was all alone.
So he undressed and got into the water.
After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction.
He panicked, got out of the water, and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby.
He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.as they got closer.
The ladies looked at him and giggled.
Then one of the ladies said: ‘You know, I have a special gift, I can read minds.’
‘Impossible’, said the embarrassed man,
‘You really know what I think?’
‘Yes’, the lady replied, ‘Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you’re holding has a bottom.’
A man was dragged to the cinema by his wife
A man is getting into the shower
The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake.
He didn’t bring his swimming trunks, but who cared? He was all alone.
So he undressed and got into the water.
After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction.
He panicked, got out of the water, and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby.
He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.as they got closer.
The ladies looked at him and giggled.
Then one of the ladies said: ‘You know, I have a special gift, I can read minds.’
‘Impossible’, said the embarrassed man,
‘You really know what I think?’
‘Yes’, the lady replied, ‘Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you’re holding has a bottom.’
A man was dragged to the cinema by his wife
A man is getting into the shower
30.
A group of young children were siting in a circle with their teacher.
She was going around in turn asking them all questions.
“David, what noise does a cow make?”
“It goes moo, Miss.”
“That’s right. Alice, what noise does a cat make?”
“It goes meow, Miss.”
“Very good. Steven, what sound does a lamb make?”
“It goes baaa, Miss”
“Correct. Johnny, what sound does a mouse make?”
“Errr… it goes… click!”
The old man placed an order
Wife sent a message to her husband
A group of young children were siting in a circle with their teacher.
She was going around in turn asking them all questions.
“David, what noise does a cow make?”
“It goes moo, Miss.”
“That’s right. Alice, what noise does a cat make?”
“It goes meow, Miss.”
“Very good. Steven, what sound does a lamb make?”
“It goes baaa, Miss”
“Correct. Johnny, what sound does a mouse make?”
“Errr… it goes… click!”
The old man placed an order
Wife sent a message to her husband
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eng jokes