1.
“Away with you, vile insect!” said a Lion angrily to a Gnat that was buzzing around his head.
But the Gnat was not in the least disturbed.
“Do you think,” he said spitefully to the Lion, “that I am afraid of you because they call you king?”
The next instant he flew at the Lion and stung him sharply on the nose.
Mad with rage, the Lion struck fiercely at the Gnat, but only succeeded in tearing himself with his claws.
Again and again the Gnat stung the Lion, who now was roaring terribly.
At last, worn out with rage and covered with wounds that his own teeth and claws had made, the Lion gave up the fight.
The Surgeon Explains
The late king of a known Kingdom
“Away with you, vile insect!” said a Lion angrily to a Gnat that was buzzing around his head.
But the Gnat was not in the least disturbed.
“Do you think,” he said spitefully to the Lion, “that I am afraid of you because they call you king?”
The next instant he flew at the Lion and stung him sharply on the nose.
Mad with rage, the Lion struck fiercely at the Gnat, but only succeeded in tearing himself with his claws.
Again and again the Gnat stung the Lion, who now was roaring terribly.
At last, worn out with rage and covered with wounds that his own teeth and claws had made, the Lion gave up the fight.
The Surgeon Explains
The late king of a known Kingdom
2.
Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball.
Abe turns to Sol and asks, “Do you think there’s baseball in Heaven?”
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, “I dunno but let’s make a deal — if I die first, I’ll come back and tell you if there’s baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same.”
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.
Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, “Sol… Sol… .”
Sol responds, “Abe! Is that you?”
“Yes it is, Sol,” whispers Abe’s ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, “So, is there baseball in Heaven?”
“Well,” says Abe, “I’ve got good news and bad news.”
“Gimme the good news first,” says Sol
Abe says, “Well, there is baseball in Heaven.”
Sol says, “That’s great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?”
Abe sighs and whispers, “You’re pitching on Friday.”
A hot air balloon
A good cat
Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball.
Abe turns to Sol and asks, “Do you think there’s baseball in Heaven?”
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, “I dunno but let’s make a deal — if I die first, I’ll come back and tell you if there’s baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same.”
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.
Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, “Sol… Sol… .”
Sol responds, “Abe! Is that you?”
“Yes it is, Sol,” whispers Abe’s ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, “So, is there baseball in Heaven?”
“Well,” says Abe, “I’ve got good news and bad news.”
“Gimme the good news first,” says Sol
Abe says, “Well, there is baseball in Heaven.”
Sol says, “That’s great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?”
Abe sighs and whispers, “You’re pitching on Friday.”
A hot air balloon
A good cat
3.
A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street.
Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie.
The Mexican is stunned and the Genie says, “Hello master, I will grant you one wish; anything you want.”
The Mexican begins thinking, “Well, I really like drinking tequila.”
Finally the Mexican says, “I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me pee tequila.”
The Genie grants him his wish. When the Mexican gets home, he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in it. He looks at the glass and it’s clear.
Looks like tequila.
Then he smells the liquid.
Smells like tequila.
So he takes a taste and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.
The Mexican yells to his wife, “Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly.”
She comes running down the hall and the Mexican takes another glass out of the cupboard and fills it.
He tells her to drink it.
It is tequila.
Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip.
It is the best tequila she has ever tasted.
The two drank and partied all night.
The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard.
He proceeds to fill the two glasses.
The result is the same.
The tequila is excellent and the couple drinks until the sun comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home and tells his wife,
“Consuelo, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink Tequila.”
His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.
The Mexican begins to fill the glass; and when he fills it, his wife asks him,
“But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?”
Pancho raises the glass and says,
“Because tonight, Mi Amor, you drink from the bottle.”
Two guys walking through the woods
A farmer has three daughters
A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street.
Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie.
The Mexican is stunned and the Genie says, “Hello master, I will grant you one wish; anything you want.”
The Mexican begins thinking, “Well, I really like drinking tequila.”
Finally the Mexican says, “I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me pee tequila.”
The Genie grants him his wish. When the Mexican gets home, he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in it. He looks at the glass and it’s clear.
Looks like tequila.
Then he smells the liquid.
Smells like tequila.
So he takes a taste and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.
The Mexican yells to his wife, “Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly.”
She comes running down the hall and the Mexican takes another glass out of the cupboard and fills it.
He tells her to drink it.
It is tequila.
Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip.
It is the best tequila she has ever tasted.
The two drank and partied all night.
The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard.
He proceeds to fill the two glasses.
The result is the same.
The tequila is excellent and the couple drinks until the sun comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home and tells his wife,
“Consuelo, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink Tequila.”
His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.
The Mexican begins to fill the glass; and when he fills it, his wife asks him,
“But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?”
Pancho raises the glass and says,
“Because tonight, Mi Amor, you drink from the bottle.”
Two guys walking through the woods
A farmer has three daughters
4.
A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank.
They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action.
The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob.
She turned to the blonde and asked her, “Now, do you remember what the plan is?”
The blonde sighed and replied, “Yeah, yeah, I remember…”
The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff.
Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, “Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!”
The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car… and waited… and waited… and waited… and waited.
After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank’s doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up.
The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it.
A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun.
The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind.
She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving.
The security guard yelled, “Stop! Stop!” while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with the rope tied tightly around it behind.
The brunette frantically asked the blonde, “What the hell happened in there?!?”
The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, “What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!”
The brunette paused and yelled, “YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!”
A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche
A old man in overalls sits on the porch
A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank.
They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action.
The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob.
She turned to the blonde and asked her, “Now, do you remember what the plan is?”
The blonde sighed and replied, “Yeah, yeah, I remember…”
The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff.
Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, “Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!”
The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car… and waited… and waited… and waited… and waited.
After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank’s doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up.
The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it.
A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun.
The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind.
She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving.
The security guard yelled, “Stop! Stop!” while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with the rope tied tightly around it behind.
The brunette frantically asked the blonde, “What the hell happened in there?!?”
The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, “What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!”
The brunette paused and yelled, “YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!”
A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche
A old man in overalls sits on the porch
5.
One day a 12-year-old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the driver lowered a window.
“I’ll give you a large bag of M&Ms if you get in the car,” said the driver.
“No way! Get lost!” replied the boy.
“How about a bag of M&Ms and 10 dollars?” the driver asked.
“I said no way,” replied the boy.
“What about a bag of M&Ms and 50 dollars?” asked the driver.
“No, I’m not getting in the car,” answered the boy.
“Okay, I’ll give you a bag of M&Ms and 100 dollars,” the driver offered.
“No!” replied the boy.
“What will it take to get you in the car?” asked the driver.
The boy replied: “Listen, Dad: You bought the Volvo-you live with it!”
A elderly couple walk into a restaurant
A couple made a deal
One day a 12-year-old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the driver lowered a window.
“I’ll give you a large bag of M&Ms if you get in the car,” said the driver.
“No way! Get lost!” replied the boy.
“How about a bag of M&Ms and 10 dollars?” the driver asked.
“I said no way,” replied the boy.
“What about a bag of M&Ms and 50 dollars?” asked the driver.
“No, I’m not getting in the car,” answered the boy.
“Okay, I’ll give you a bag of M&Ms and 100 dollars,” the driver offered.
“No!” replied the boy.
“What will it take to get you in the car?” asked the driver.
The boy replied: “Listen, Dad: You bought the Volvo-you live with it!”
A elderly couple walk into a restaurant
A couple made a deal
6.
A husband a doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, ‘And you are no good in bed either,’ and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says,
‘What took you so long to answer to the phone?’
She says, ‘I was in bed.’
‘In bed this early, doing what?’
‘Getting a second opinion!’
A Husband and wife are shopping
A wife prepared special dinner for her husband
A husband a doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, ‘And you are no good in bed either,’ and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says,
‘What took you so long to answer to the phone?’
She says, ‘I was in bed.’
‘In bed this early, doing what?’
‘Getting a second opinion!’
A Husband and wife are shopping
A wife prepared special dinner for her husband
7.
A blonde goes into a store and sees a shiny object on the shelf.
She asks the clerk, “What is that shiny object?”
The clerk replies, “That is a thermos.”
The blonde then asks, “What does it do?”
The clerk responds, “It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold.”
The blonde says, “Oh! I could use something like that!! I’ll take it!”
The next day, as she walks into work with her new thermos she spots her boss and shows off her shiny new thermos, “I just got this yesterday, isn’t it wonderful! It’s a thermos and it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold!”
The boss asks, “And what do you have in it?”
The blonde replies, “Some coffee and a popsicle.”
A young boy says to his father
She told her new husband
A blonde goes into a store and sees a shiny object on the shelf.
She asks the clerk, “What is that shiny object?”
The clerk replies, “That is a thermos.”
The blonde then asks, “What does it do?”
The clerk responds, “It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold.”
The blonde says, “Oh! I could use something like that!! I’ll take it!”
The next day, as she walks into work with her new thermos she spots her boss and shows off her shiny new thermos, “I just got this yesterday, isn’t it wonderful! It’s a thermos and it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold!”
The boss asks, “And what do you have in it?”
The blonde replies, “Some coffee and a popsicle.”
A young boy says to his father
She told her new husband
8.
A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in two’s for the day.
That night one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of a ten point buck.
“Where’s Henry?”
“Henry had a stroke of some kind He’s a couple of miles back up the trail.”
“You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back!?!”
“A tough call,” nodded the hunter, “but I figured no one is going to steal Henry.”
Larry a local football star
A blonde was summoned to court
A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in two’s for the day.
That night one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of a ten point buck.
“Where’s Henry?”
“Henry had a stroke of some kind He’s a couple of miles back up the trail.”
“You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back!?!”
“A tough call,” nodded the hunter, “but I figured no one is going to steal Henry.”
Larry a local football star
A blonde was summoned to court
9.
Long ago, people lived happily under the rule of a king
The people of the kingdom were very happy as they led a very prosperous life with an abundance of wealth and no misfortunes.
Once, the king decided to go visiting places of historical importance and pilgrim centres at distant places.
He decided to travel by foot to interact with his people.
People of distant places were very happy to have a conversation with their king
They were proud that their king had a kind heart.
After several weeks of travel, the king returned to the palace.
He was quite happy that he had visited many pilgrim centres and witnessed his people leading a prosperous life.
However, he had one regret
He had intolerable pain in his feet as it was his first trip by foot covering a long distance.
He complained to his ministers that the roads weren’t comfortable and that they were very stony.
He could not tolerate the pain
He said that he was very much worried about the people who had to walk along those roads as it would be painful for them too!
Considering all this, he ordered his servants to cover the roads in the whole country with leather so that the people of his kingdom can walk comfortably.
The king’s ministers were stunned to hear his order as it would mean that thousands of cows would have to be slaughtered in order to get sufficient quantity of leather
And it would cost a huge amount of money also.
Finally, a wise man from the ministry came to the king and said that he had another idea
The king asked what the alternative was.
The minister said, “Instead of covering the roads with leather, why don’t you just have a piece of leather cut in appropriate shape to cover your feet?”
The king was very much surprised by his suggestion and applauded the wisdom of the minister.
He ordered a pair of leather shoes for himself and requested all his countrymen also to wear shoes.
Moral: Instead of trying to change the world, we should try to change ourselves.
A man is in a bar
A priest and a rabbi
Long ago, people lived happily under the rule of a king
The people of the kingdom were very happy as they led a very prosperous life with an abundance of wealth and no misfortunes.
Once, the king decided to go visiting places of historical importance and pilgrim centres at distant places.
He decided to travel by foot to interact with his people.
People of distant places were very happy to have a conversation with their king
They were proud that their king had a kind heart.
After several weeks of travel, the king returned to the palace.
He was quite happy that he had visited many pilgrim centres and witnessed his people leading a prosperous life.
However, he had one regret
He had intolerable pain in his feet as it was his first trip by foot covering a long distance.
He complained to his ministers that the roads weren’t comfortable and that they were very stony.
He could not tolerate the pain
He said that he was very much worried about the people who had to walk along those roads as it would be painful for them too!
Considering all this, he ordered his servants to cover the roads in the whole country with leather so that the people of his kingdom can walk comfortably.
The king’s ministers were stunned to hear his order as it would mean that thousands of cows would have to be slaughtered in order to get sufficient quantity of leather
And it would cost a huge amount of money also.
Finally, a wise man from the ministry came to the king and said that he had another idea
The king asked what the alternative was.
The minister said, “Instead of covering the roads with leather, why don’t you just have a piece of leather cut in appropriate shape to cover your feet?”
The king was very much surprised by his suggestion and applauded the wisdom of the minister.
He ordered a pair of leather shoes for himself and requested all his countrymen also to wear shoes.
Moral: Instead of trying to change the world, we should try to change ourselves.
A man is in a bar
A priest and a rabbi
10.
A student at college had failed his final law papers and was obviously not happy, he questioned the professor & decided to make a deal with him ‘professor, do u consider yourself to know everything about the law?
He asked. ‘Absolutely, otherwise i would not be capable of standing in front of u & lecturing u on the subject’ he replied.
The student continued; if u can answer this question, I will agree with u & accept my final marks, if u cannot, u have to give me an ‘A” the professor laughed but agreed.
The boy continued, ‘what is legal but not logical, logical but not legal & neither legal nor logical?
The professor thought about it for hours and pondered no answer.
He had to finally give up as he really did not know.
He gave the boy his ‘A’ the following day at lecture, the professor was still struggling with dis unknown mystery & decided to pose the question to his students: class, what is legal but not logical, logical but not legal & neither legal nor logical?
He paused for a second in shock when all students raised their hands with a possible answer.
He pointed out one student and waited: “sir, u’re 65, married to a 28 yr old woman, this is legal but not logical, ur wife, is having an affair with a 23 year old boy, this is logical but not legal, ur wife’s boyfriend has failed his exam & yet u have given him an ‘A’, That is neither logical nor legal”.
A blonde walked into a department store
Three fathers are talking about their sons
A student at college had failed his final law papers and was obviously not happy, he questioned the professor & decided to make a deal with him ‘professor, do u consider yourself to know everything about the law?
He asked. ‘Absolutely, otherwise i would not be capable of standing in front of u & lecturing u on the subject’ he replied.
The student continued; if u can answer this question, I will agree with u & accept my final marks, if u cannot, u have to give me an ‘A” the professor laughed but agreed.
The boy continued, ‘what is legal but not logical, logical but not legal & neither legal nor logical?
The professor thought about it for hours and pondered no answer.
He had to finally give up as he really did not know.
He gave the boy his ‘A’ the following day at lecture, the professor was still struggling with dis unknown mystery & decided to pose the question to his students: class, what is legal but not logical, logical but not legal & neither legal nor logical?
He paused for a second in shock when all students raised their hands with a possible answer.
He pointed out one student and waited: “sir, u’re 65, married to a 28 yr old woman, this is legal but not logical, ur wife, is having an affair with a 23 year old boy, this is logical but not legal, ur wife’s boyfriend has failed his exam & yet u have given him an ‘A’, That is neither logical nor legal”.
A blonde walked into a department store
Three fathers are talking about their sons
11.
A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Taronga Park, Sydney when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has watched the whole event.
The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, ‘Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I’ve seen a man do in my whole life.’
The Harley rider replies, ‘Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.’
The reporter says, ‘Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page!’
‘So, what do you do for a living and who do you support?’
The biker replies, ‘I’m a soldier just returned from Afghanistan and I’m not really interested in politics, maybe more right wing.’ The journalist writes it up and leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
RIGHT WING DESERTER RUNS AWAY FROM THE ARMY, ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH!
That pretty much sums up the media’s approach to the news these days!
Two teenagers meet after school
A Nazi walks into a bar
A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Taronga Park, Sydney when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has watched the whole event.
The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, ‘Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I’ve seen a man do in my whole life.’
The Harley rider replies, ‘Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.’
The reporter says, ‘Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page!’
‘So, what do you do for a living and who do you support?’
The biker replies, ‘I’m a soldier just returned from Afghanistan and I’m not really interested in politics, maybe more right wing.’ The journalist writes it up and leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
RIGHT WING DESERTER RUNS AWAY FROM THE ARMY, ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH!
That pretty much sums up the media’s approach to the news these days!
Two teenagers meet after school
A Nazi walks into a bar
12.
Finding one of her student Little Johnny making faces at others on the playground,..
Ms. Smith stopped to gently scold the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said,
“Johnny, when I was a child,
I was told if that I made ugly faces,
it would freeze and I would stay like that.”
Johnny looked up and replied,
“Well, Ms. Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident
Dry humor about water
Finding one of her student Little Johnny making faces at others on the playground,..
Ms. Smith stopped to gently scold the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said,
“Johnny, when I was a child,
I was told if that I made ugly faces,
it would freeze and I would stay like that.”
Johnny looked up and replied,
“Well, Ms. Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident
Dry humor about water
13.
A tourist is picked up by a cab in New York on a dark night.
The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk and stops inches from a shop window.
The driver said, “Look friend, don’t ever do that again you scared the daylights out of me!”
The passenger apologized and says he didn’t realize that a “little tap” could scare him so much.
The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault today is my first day as a cab driver; I’ve been driving hearses for the last 25 years.”
A city park stood two statues
The king of a small African nation
A tourist is picked up by a cab in New York on a dark night.
The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk and stops inches from a shop window.
The driver said, “Look friend, don’t ever do that again you scared the daylights out of me!”
The passenger apologized and says he didn’t realize that a “little tap” could scare him so much.
The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault today is my first day as a cab driver; I’ve been driving hearses for the last 25 years.”
A city park stood two statues
The king of a small African nation
14.
A blonde redneck guy finds a lamp.
He rubs it and a genie emerges.
The genie tells him he will be granted three wishes.
The guy thinks for a moment and says, ‘First, give me a bottomless mug of beer.’
A mug of beer appears in his hand.
He sips it once, then again and the mug is magically refilled.
The guy is thrilled and continues to drink.
The mug never empties.
Then the Genie says, ‘And what about your other two wishes?’
The guy thinks for a moment and says, ‘Give me two more just like this one!’
Two women came before wise King Solomon
The man looked a little worried when the doctor
A blonde redneck guy finds a lamp.
He rubs it and a genie emerges.
The genie tells him he will be granted three wishes.
The guy thinks for a moment and says, ‘First, give me a bottomless mug of beer.’
A mug of beer appears in his hand.
He sips it once, then again and the mug is magically refilled.
The guy is thrilled and continues to drink.
The mug never empties.
Then the Genie says, ‘And what about your other two wishes?’
The guy thinks for a moment and says, ‘Give me two more just like this one!’
Two women came before wise King Solomon
The man looked a little worried when the doctor
15.
Two blondes had driven across the country to see Disney World in Florida.
As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sign saying “Disney World Left!”
After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde said “Oh well!” and started driving back home.
A man walked into the office of an psychiatrist
A famous doctor was being interviewed
Two blondes had driven across the country to see Disney World in Florida.
As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sign saying “Disney World Left!”
After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde said “Oh well!” and started driving back home.
A man walked into the office of an psychiatrist
A famous doctor was being interviewed
16.
Moishe the Carpenter, returning home with his week’s wages, was accosted by an armed robber on a deserted street.
“Take my money,” said Moishe, “but do me a favor: shoot a bullet through my hat otherwise my wife won’t believe I was robbed.”
The robber obliged he threw Moi-she’s hat into the air and put a bullet through it.
“Let’s make it look as if I ran into a gang of robbers,” said Moishe, “otherwise my wife will call me a coward! Please shoot a number of h*les through my coat.”
So the robber shot a number of h*les through the carpenter’s coat.
“And now?”
“Sorry,” interrupted the robber.
“No more h*les I’m out of bullets.”
“That’s all I wanted to know!” said Moishe.
“Now hand me back my money and some more for the hat and coat that you’ve ruined or I’ll beat you black and blue!”
The robber threw down the money and ran.
Once there was a business executive
A dead donkey in his front yard
Moishe the Carpenter, returning home with his week’s wages, was accosted by an armed robber on a deserted street.
“Take my money,” said Moishe, “but do me a favor: shoot a bullet through my hat otherwise my wife won’t believe I was robbed.”
The robber obliged he threw Moi-she’s hat into the air and put a bullet through it.
“Let’s make it look as if I ran into a gang of robbers,” said Moishe, “otherwise my wife will call me a coward! Please shoot a number of h*les through my coat.”
So the robber shot a number of h*les through the carpenter’s coat.
“And now?”
“Sorry,” interrupted the robber.
“No more h*les I’m out of bullets.”
“That’s all I wanted to know!” said Moishe.
“Now hand me back my money and some more for the hat and coat that you’ve ruined or I’ll beat you black and blue!”
The robber threw down the money and ran.
Once there was a business executive
A dead donkey in his front yard
17.
A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife doesn’t want to make love with him for the last 7 months.
The doc tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her.
So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doctor asks her what’s wrong and why doesn’t she want to make love with her husband any more.
The wife tells him, “For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab to work.
I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me, ‘So are you going to pay today or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’.
When I get to work I’m late so the boss asks me, ‘So are we going to write this down in the book or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’.
Back home again I take the cab and again I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me again, ‘So are you going to pay this time or what?’ so again I take a ‘or what’.
So you see doc when I get home I’m all tired out, and I don’t want it any more.”
The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, “So are we going to tell your husband or what?”
This elderly lady went to the doctor
Two sisters blonde and brunette
A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife doesn’t want to make love with him for the last 7 months.
The doc tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her.
So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doctor asks her what’s wrong and why doesn’t she want to make love with her husband any more.
The wife tells him, “For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab to work.
I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me, ‘So are you going to pay today or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’.
When I get to work I’m late so the boss asks me, ‘So are we going to write this down in the book or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’.
Back home again I take the cab and again I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me again, ‘So are you going to pay this time or what?’ so again I take a ‘or what’.
So you see doc when I get home I’m all tired out, and I don’t want it any more.”
The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, “So are we going to tell your husband or what?”
This elderly lady went to the doctor
Two sisters blonde and brunette
18.
“Doctor, I need your help,” the woman says.
“What seems to be the problem?”Dr ask”
“My husband just doesn’t satisfy me loving. What can I do?”
“Hmmm. That’s a bit out of my league. Has HE seen a doctor?”
“Yes, he has. He is perfectly OK. He just isn’t enough for me. You’ve got to help me!”
“Er … Why don’t you take a lover?”
“I have! I still don’t get enough.”
“Take another lover.”
“I did. In fact, I have eight lovers – and I still don’t get enough make love!”
“Gosh, that’s an anomaly.”
“Oh, Doctor! Please tell them it’s an anomaly! They all keep telling me I’m a B-girl!”
Three friends were at the bar
The teacher decides to play game
“Doctor, I need your help,” the woman says.
“What seems to be the problem?”Dr ask”
“My husband just doesn’t satisfy me loving. What can I do?”
“Hmmm. That’s a bit out of my league. Has HE seen a doctor?”
“Yes, he has. He is perfectly OK. He just isn’t enough for me. You’ve got to help me!”
“Er … Why don’t you take a lover?”
“I have! I still don’t get enough.”
“Take another lover.”
“I did. In fact, I have eight lovers – and I still don’t get enough make love!”
“Gosh, that’s an anomaly.”
“Oh, Doctor! Please tell them it’s an anomaly! They all keep telling me I’m a B-girl!”
Three friends were at the bar
The teacher decides to play game
19.
A new nurse at a hospital was perplexed by Dr. Smith’s behavior.
Off and on throughout her shift Dr. Smith would run up and down the hallway, yelling, “Tetanus, measles, flu!”
Very curious, the nurse asked the head nurse, “Why does Dr. Smith keep doing that?”
“Oh, just ignore him,” the head nurse said.
“He thinks he calls all the shots around here.”
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital
A doctor and engineer were in love with same woman
A new nurse at a hospital was perplexed by Dr. Smith’s behavior.
Off and on throughout her shift Dr. Smith would run up and down the hallway, yelling, “Tetanus, measles, flu!”
Very curious, the nurse asked the head nurse, “Why does Dr. Smith keep doing that?”
“Oh, just ignore him,” the head nurse said.
“He thinks he calls all the shots around here.”
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital
A doctor and engineer were in love with same woman
20.
After an hour of gathering up his courage, a shy guy finally approaches the attractive girl at the end of the bar.
“Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”
She yells, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight, you pig!”
Everyone in the bar stops and stares.
Completely embarrassed, the guy slinks back to his table, redfaced.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you.
I’m a graduate student in psychology, and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing public situations.”
To which the guy responds as loudly as possible, “What do you mean $200 for a BJ?”
Seems there was a treasure ship on its way
A man is having dinner with his new girlfriend’s family
After an hour of gathering up his courage, a shy guy finally approaches the attractive girl at the end of the bar.
“Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”
She yells, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight, you pig!”
Everyone in the bar stops and stares.
Completely embarrassed, the guy slinks back to his table, redfaced.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you.
I’m a graduate student in psychology, and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing public situations.”
To which the guy responds as loudly as possible, “What do you mean $200 for a BJ?”
Seems there was a treasure ship on its way
A man is having dinner with his new girlfriend’s family
21.
John Sam and Abe, three retired friends,would get together every night, rain or shine, to play poker.
It was a nice way to pass the time and the men enjoyed it immensely.
John’s wife wasn’t so fond of her husband’s poker playing.
She thought it was a dirty and low way to fill his time, but she had long ago resigned herself to her sorry fate, although inside of her, there was always a low flame on the back burner waiting to erupt.
One Wednesday night, after a few nights of boring games, something exciting happened.
Sam watched in amusement as John and Abe, each convinced that they had the better hand, slowly put their life savings into the pot.
Things started to get really intense when John, running out of available cash, added his car and house into the pot.
When there was no money left to bet on they each showed their cards.
As soon as John saw Abe’s cards and realized he had lost, he had a heart attack and died.
“Sam,” asked Abe “how are we going to tell his wife?”
“Don’t worry I’ll take care of it” Abe replied.
Abe knocked on John’s door.
“John just lost all of your life savings in a poker game,” said Sam when the door was opened.
“He’s afraid to come home.”
John’s wife was fuming “HE DID WHAT?!” She screamed.
“TELL HIM I DON’T WANT TO EVER SEE HIS FACE AGAIN! TELL HIM TO JUST DROP DEAD!” “OK,” said Sam nodding his head, “I’ll tell him just that!”
A cop pulls her over and says
Brian was pulled over for speeding
John Sam and Abe, three retired friends,would get together every night, rain or shine, to play poker.
It was a nice way to pass the time and the men enjoyed it immensely.
John’s wife wasn’t so fond of her husband’s poker playing.
She thought it was a dirty and low way to fill his time, but she had long ago resigned herself to her sorry fate, although inside of her, there was always a low flame on the back burner waiting to erupt.
One Wednesday night, after a few nights of boring games, something exciting happened.
Sam watched in amusement as John and Abe, each convinced that they had the better hand, slowly put their life savings into the pot.
Things started to get really intense when John, running out of available cash, added his car and house into the pot.
When there was no money left to bet on they each showed their cards.
As soon as John saw Abe’s cards and realized he had lost, he had a heart attack and died.
“Sam,” asked Abe “how are we going to tell his wife?”
“Don’t worry I’ll take care of it” Abe replied.
Abe knocked on John’s door.
“John just lost all of your life savings in a poker game,” said Sam when the door was opened.
“He’s afraid to come home.”
John’s wife was fuming “HE DID WHAT?!” She screamed.
“TELL HIM I DON’T WANT TO EVER SEE HIS FACE AGAIN! TELL HIM TO JUST DROP DEAD!” “OK,” said Sam nodding his head, “I’ll tell him just that!”
A cop pulls her over and says
Brian was pulled over for speeding
22.
I was walking through the city when I passed a large abbey.
I walked past and noticed many nuns walking around inside the open large doors.
I headed to a tavern located down the street from the abbey.
As I walked in, I was startled to see a woman in religious attire sitting at the counter.
I sat next to her and asked her why she was here.
She said, “don’t tell my sisters, but this place serves the best gin and tonic I’ve ever had!”
I took her at her word and ordered one. She was right.
It was fantastic, and as I finished, I thanked her.
“This is the best drink I’ve ever had, bar nun.
Frank always looked on the bright side
Two cannibals were walling down the street
I was walking through the city when I passed a large abbey.
I walked past and noticed many nuns walking around inside the open large doors.
I headed to a tavern located down the street from the abbey.
As I walked in, I was startled to see a woman in religious attire sitting at the counter.
I sat next to her and asked her why she was here.
She said, “don’t tell my sisters, but this place serves the best gin and tonic I’ve ever had!”
I took her at her word and ordered one. She was right.
It was fantastic, and as I finished, I thanked her.
“This is the best drink I’ve ever had, bar nun.
Frank always looked on the bright side
Two cannibals were walling down the street
23.
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.
One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen, “What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?”
The gentlemen responded, “Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.”
Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work.
So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, “By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?”
No”, she replied, “but my cucumbers are enormous.”
A man offers a girl in his office
A woman sat down on a park bench
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.
One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen, “What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?”
The gentlemen responded, “Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.”
Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work.
So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, “By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?”
No”, she replied, “but my cucumbers are enormous.”
A man offers a girl in his office
A woman sat down on a park bench
24.
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy
The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”
The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher.
What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom.
After a few minutes, all the kids’ screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.
The C.E.O says “I’ll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth.
This’ll be a breeze” so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.
The janitor says “I’ll be an artist” so he is transported to an art facility.
He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars.
The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.
The janitor says “I got a masters degree in art.”
Three Engineers are Discussing God
3 vampire brothers want to see who is the strongest
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy
The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”
The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher.
What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom.
After a few minutes, all the kids’ screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.
The C.E.O says “I’ll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth.
This’ll be a breeze” so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.
The janitor says “I’ll be an artist” so he is transported to an art facility.
He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars.
The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.
The janitor says “I got a masters degree in art.”
Three Engineers are Discussing God
3 vampire brothers want to see who is the strongest
25.
They had shared everything.
They had talked about everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife’s bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents.
‘When we were to be married,’ she said, my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue.
She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box.
She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving.
He almost burst with Happiness.
‘Honey,’ he said, ‘that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?’
‘Oh,’ she said, ‘that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.’
A man stopped at a flower shop
Ole and Sven go out squirrel hunting
They had shared everything.
They had talked about everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife’s bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents.
‘When we were to be married,’ she said, my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue.
She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box.
She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving.
He almost burst with Happiness.
‘Honey,’ he said, ‘that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?’
‘Oh,’ she said, ‘that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.’
A man stopped at a flower shop
Ole and Sven go out squirrel hunting
26.
A man walking along the beach found a bottle.
When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared.
“I will grant you three wishes,” announced the genie.
“But there is one condition. I am a lawyer’s genie. That means that for every wish you make, every lawyer in the world gets the wish as well – only double.”
The man thought about this for a while.
“For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars,” he announced.
Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited.
“But every lawyer in the world has just received $20,000,000,” the genie said.
“I’ve always wanted a Ferrari,” the man said. “That’s my second wish.”
Instantly a Ferrari appeared. “But every lawyer in the world has just received two Ferrari’s,” the genie said. “And what is your last wish?”
“Well,” said the man, “I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney for transplant.”
A student comes to a young professors office
Jane met Tarzan in the jungle
A man walking along the beach found a bottle.
When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared.
“I will grant you three wishes,” announced the genie.
“But there is one condition. I am a lawyer’s genie. That means that for every wish you make, every lawyer in the world gets the wish as well – only double.”
The man thought about this for a while.
“For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars,” he announced.
Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited.
“But every lawyer in the world has just received $20,000,000,” the genie said.
“I’ve always wanted a Ferrari,” the man said. “That’s my second wish.”
Instantly a Ferrari appeared. “But every lawyer in the world has just received two Ferrari’s,” the genie said. “And what is your last wish?”
“Well,” said the man, “I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney for transplant.”
A student comes to a young professors office
Jane met Tarzan in the jungle
27.
One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: “Drinks for all on me including you, bartender.”
So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: “That will be $36.50 please.”
The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender.
Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money.
So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender.
“What, no drink for me?” replies the bartender.
“Oh, no. You get violent when you drink.”
A wealthy boy met a beautiful young girl
Two men died and went to Heaven
One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: “Drinks for all on me including you, bartender.”
So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: “That will be $36.50 please.”
The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender.
Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money.
So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender.
“What, no drink for me?” replies the bartender.
“Oh, no. You get violent when you drink.”
A wealthy boy met a beautiful young girl
Two men died and went to Heaven
28.
A guy goes over to his friend’s house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
“Hi, is Tony home?”
“No, he went to the store.”, she replies.
“Well, you mind if I wait?”
“No, come in.”
They sit down and the friend says “You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I’d give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one.”
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell a hundred bucks.
She opens her robe and shows one.
He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says “They are so beautiful I’ve got to see the both of them. I’ll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together.”
Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look.
Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can’t wait any longer and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says “You know, your weird friend Chris came over. ”
Tony thinks about this for a second and says “Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?”
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen
A young couple were in their honeymoon
A guy goes over to his friend’s house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
“Hi, is Tony home?”
“No, he went to the store.”, she replies.
“Well, you mind if I wait?”
“No, come in.”
They sit down and the friend says “You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I’d give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one.”
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell a hundred bucks.
She opens her robe and shows one.
He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says “They are so beautiful I’ve got to see the both of them. I’ll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together.”
Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look.
Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can’t wait any longer and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says “You know, your weird friend Chris came over. ”
Tony thinks about this for a second and says “Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?”
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen
A young couple were in their honeymoon
29.
After a wonderful night of lovemaking,
the young guy rolled over and was looking around,
when he noticed a framed picture of another man on a desk in the distance.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
“Is that your husband?” he inquired nervously.
“No, silly,” she replied, snuggling up to him.
“Your boyfriend then?” he asked.
“No, not at all,” she said, nibbling away at his ear.
“Well, who is he then?” demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, she answered, “That’s me before the surgery.”
Johnny walked into his dad’s bedroom
A elderly couple Ray and Bessie
After a wonderful night of lovemaking,
the young guy rolled over and was looking around,
when he noticed a framed picture of another man on a desk in the distance.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
“Is that your husband?” he inquired nervously.
“No, silly,” she replied, snuggling up to him.
“Your boyfriend then?” he asked.
“No, not at all,” she said, nibbling away at his ear.
“Well, who is he then?” demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, she answered, “That’s me before the surgery.”
Johnny walked into his dad’s bedroom
A elderly couple Ray and Bessie
30.
There is a very special mirror.
If you stand in front of this mirror and tell the truth, you are granted a wish.
However, if you tell a lie, POOF! you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.
A redhead of questionable looks stands before the mirror and says, “I think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world.”
POOF! The mirror swallows her.
Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, “I think I think I’m the sexiest woman alive!” POOF! The mirror swallows her.
Then an absolutely gorgeous blonde comes and stands before the mirror and says, “I think…” POOF! She is swallowed up and is never seen again.
A man and a woman were dating
A man walks into a drug store
There is a very special mirror.
If you stand in front of this mirror and tell the truth, you are granted a wish.
However, if you tell a lie, POOF! you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.
A redhead of questionable looks stands before the mirror and says, “I think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world.”
POOF! The mirror swallows her.
Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, “I think I think I’m the sexiest woman alive!” POOF! The mirror swallows her.
Then an absolutely gorgeous blonde comes and stands before the mirror and says, “I think…” POOF! She is swallowed up and is never seen again.
A man and a woman were dating
A man walks into a drug store
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eng jokes