1.
Once there were three men, Charlie, Mason and Buck, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died.
As they stood at the gates of Heaven, St. Peter came up to them and said, “You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around Heaven.
You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly.”
St. Peter looked at Charlie and said, “You, Charlie, were a bad man.
You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat-up Dodge.”
Next, St. Peter looked at Mason and said, “You were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times.
For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota station wagon.”
St. Peter finally looked at Buck, and said, “You, Buck, have set a fine example.
You did not have making love until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife!
For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari.”
A short time later, Mason and Buck pulled up in their cars next to Buck’s Ferrari, and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying.
“What’s wrong, Buck?” they asked. “You got a Ferrari! You’re set forever!
Why so down?”
Buck looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard.
A famous scientist was on his way
The teacher was teaching the kids
Once there were three men, Charlie, Mason and Buck, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died.
As they stood at the gates of Heaven, St. Peter came up to them and said, “You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around Heaven.
You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly.”
St. Peter looked at Charlie and said, “You, Charlie, were a bad man.
You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat-up Dodge.”
Next, St. Peter looked at Mason and said, “You were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times.
For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota station wagon.”
St. Peter finally looked at Buck, and said, “You, Buck, have set a fine example.
You did not have making love until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife!
For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari.”
A short time later, Mason and Buck pulled up in their cars next to Buck’s Ferrari, and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying.
“What’s wrong, Buck?” they asked. “You got a Ferrari! You’re set forever!
Why so down?”
Buck looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard.
A famous scientist was on his way
The teacher was teaching the kids
2.
A Londoner meets a stereotypical American redneck
The redneck tells him: “Why don’t y’all like guns? They’re completely safe!
See, I have mine in my safe next to my bed,
I know the passcode so well I can take my gun and kill any intruder in half a second!”
The Londoner replies: “Really? Is it truly that safe?”
The redneck replies: “Sure! I’ll give you as much time as you want to crack the safe!
If you do it, I’ll give you some of that tea stuff y’all seem to like!”
The Londoner, excited by this offer agrees, after a few seconds the Londoner already cracked the safe.
The redneck, comes out in anger and yells: “How the hell did you find the passcode so quickly?
Are you a bank robber?”
“No.” Replies the Londoner:
“I’m a historian, and I just guessed correctly that your passcode, is 1776.”
A guy is eating breakfast with his wife
I saw a man sitting alone in the park one day
A Londoner meets a stereotypical American redneck
The redneck tells him: “Why don’t y’all like guns? They’re completely safe!
See, I have mine in my safe next to my bed,
I know the passcode so well I can take my gun and kill any intruder in half a second!”
The Londoner replies: “Really? Is it truly that safe?”
The redneck replies: “Sure! I’ll give you as much time as you want to crack the safe!
If you do it, I’ll give you some of that tea stuff y’all seem to like!”
The Londoner, excited by this offer agrees, after a few seconds the Londoner already cracked the safe.
The redneck, comes out in anger and yells: “How the hell did you find the passcode so quickly?
Are you a bank robber?”
“No.” Replies the Londoner:
“I’m a historian, and I just guessed correctly that your passcode, is 1776.”
A guy is eating breakfast with his wife
I saw a man sitting alone in the park one day
3.
Sister Marry was truly a religious woman.
Besides for her duties as a nun, she was also very active in various hospitals visiting sick patients and taking care of all their needs.
So it was no surprise that one day when she ran out of gas, the only container she could find to put the gas into was a bedpan.
Sister Mary happily walked two blocks to the closest gas station filled up the bedpan with gas and headed back to her car.
Luck would have it that as Sister Mary started tipping the gas into the fuel tank, the traffic light turned red and she had quite a large audience witnessing the spectacle.
Just when she finished pouring in the last drops of gas a fellow opened up his window and hollered, “I swear! If that car starts I’m becoming a religious man!”
Little Bob went with his mom to church
A lady went to a psychiatrist
Sister Marry was truly a religious woman.
Besides for her duties as a nun, she was also very active in various hospitals visiting sick patients and taking care of all their needs.
So it was no surprise that one day when she ran out of gas, the only container she could find to put the gas into was a bedpan.
Sister Mary happily walked two blocks to the closest gas station filled up the bedpan with gas and headed back to her car.
Luck would have it that as Sister Mary started tipping the gas into the fuel tank, the traffic light turned red and she had quite a large audience witnessing the spectacle.
Just when she finished pouring in the last drops of gas a fellow opened up his window and hollered, “I swear! If that car starts I’m becoming a religious man!”
Little Bob went with his mom to church
A lady went to a psychiatrist
4.
Rich, Dave and Johnny are three contractors who are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
Rich first takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
“Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run you about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”
Dave also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”
Johnny doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.”
The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”
Johnny whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the other guy to fix the fence for $700.”
A boy and his dad are walking through the park
A hideous little orc is in the kingdom’s capital
Rich, Dave and Johnny are three contractors who are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
Rich first takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
“Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run you about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”
Dave also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”
Johnny doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.”
The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”
Johnny whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the other guy to fix the fence for $700.”
A boy and his dad are walking through the park
A hideous little orc is in the kingdom’s capital
5.
An elderly carpenter was ready to retire.
He told his employer-contractor of his plans to leave the house-building business to live a more leisurely life with his wife and enjoy his extended family.
He would miss the paycheck each week, but he wanted to retire they could get by.
The contractor was sorry to see his good worker go & asked if he could build just one more house as a personal favor.
The carpenter said yes, but over time it was easy to see that his heart was not in his work.
He resorted to shoddy workmanship and used inferior materials.
It was an unfortunate way to end a dedicated career.
When the carpenter finished his work, his employer came to inspect the house.
Then he handed the front-door key to the carpenter and said, “This is your house… my gift to you.”
The carpenter was shocked!
What a shame! If he had only known he was building his own house, he would have done it all so differently.
So it is with us we build our lives, a day at a time, often putting less than our best into the building.
Then, with a shock, we realize we have to live in the house we have built If we could do it over, we would do it much differently.
But, you cannot go back you are the carpenter, and every day you hammer a nail, place a board, or self practice a wall.
Someone once said, “Life is a do-it-yourself project.”
Your attitude, and the choices you make today, help build the “house” you will live in tomorrow.
Therefore, Build wisely!
At deer camp
A pupil was caught stealing
An elderly carpenter was ready to retire.
He told his employer-contractor of his plans to leave the house-building business to live a more leisurely life with his wife and enjoy his extended family.
He would miss the paycheck each week, but he wanted to retire they could get by.
The contractor was sorry to see his good worker go & asked if he could build just one more house as a personal favor.
The carpenter said yes, but over time it was easy to see that his heart was not in his work.
He resorted to shoddy workmanship and used inferior materials.
It was an unfortunate way to end a dedicated career.
When the carpenter finished his work, his employer came to inspect the house.
Then he handed the front-door key to the carpenter and said, “This is your house… my gift to you.”
The carpenter was shocked!
What a shame! If he had only known he was building his own house, he would have done it all so differently.
So it is with us we build our lives, a day at a time, often putting less than our best into the building.
Then, with a shock, we realize we have to live in the house we have built If we could do it over, we would do it much differently.
But, you cannot go back you are the carpenter, and every day you hammer a nail, place a board, or self practice a wall.
Someone once said, “Life is a do-it-yourself project.”
Your attitude, and the choices you make today, help build the “house” you will live in tomorrow.
Therefore, Build wisely!
At deer camp
A pupil was caught stealing
6.
A man and his wife went three days without talking after having an argument.
On an occasion, the man remembered that the next day he would have an early meeting in office.
As he needed to get up early, he decided to ask his wife to wake him up.
But he did not want to be a person who began the first conversation, so he wrote on a paper: “You wake me up at 6 in the morning.”
When he got up in the morning, he looked at the clock and realized that it was 9 o’clock.
He was so angry and shouted: “What’s wrong with you! What were you thinking? You are inconsiderate, you did not do what I asked you to do.”
His wife did not say anything and looked at the table a paper on which was written the following: “It’s six o’clock, get up!”
A man scolded his son for being so unruly
A Husband and wife are shopping
A man and his wife went three days without talking after having an argument.
On an occasion, the man remembered that the next day he would have an early meeting in office.
As he needed to get up early, he decided to ask his wife to wake him up.
But he did not want to be a person who began the first conversation, so he wrote on a paper: “You wake me up at 6 in the morning.”
When he got up in the morning, he looked at the clock and realized that it was 9 o’clock.
He was so angry and shouted: “What’s wrong with you! What were you thinking? You are inconsiderate, you did not do what I asked you to do.”
His wife did not say anything and looked at the table a paper on which was written the following: “It’s six o’clock, get up!”
A man scolded his son for being so unruly
A Husband and wife are shopping
7.
A husband and wife were sitting at the breakfast table and the man was reading the ads in the paper.
He looked up and said, “Here is a great sale on tires!”
His wife replied, “What do you want tires for? You don’t have a car.”
He says, “Do I complain when you go out and buy a new corset?”
This elderly couple is watching television
A woman is bouncing on her bed
A husband and wife were sitting at the breakfast table and the man was reading the ads in the paper.
He looked up and said, “Here is a great sale on tires!”
His wife replied, “What do you want tires for? You don’t have a car.”
He says, “Do I complain when you go out and buy a new corset?”
This elderly couple is watching television
A woman is bouncing on her bed
8.
A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room.
She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination.
Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.
Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his undressed patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.
“Miss Smith,” he said finally, “it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination.”
The Policeman recently stopped a woman
There was this guy at a bar
A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room.
She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination.
Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.
Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his undressed patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.
“Miss Smith,” he said finally, “it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination.”
The Policeman recently stopped a woman
There was this guy at a bar
9.
A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic.
The druggist asks, “Ma’am, what do you want with arsenic?”
The lady says, “To kill my husband.”
“I can’t sell you any for that reason,” says the druggist.
The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position, the man is her husband and the lady is the druggist’s wife, and shows it to the druggist.
He looks at the photo and says, “Oh I didn’t know you had a prescription!”
A nurse at hospital received a call
A man hasn’t been feeling well
A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic.
The druggist asks, “Ma’am, what do you want with arsenic?”
The lady says, “To kill my husband.”
“I can’t sell you any for that reason,” says the druggist.
The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position, the man is her husband and the lady is the druggist’s wife, and shows it to the druggist.
He looks at the photo and says, “Oh I didn’t know you had a prescription!”
A nurse at hospital received a call
A man hasn’t been feeling well
10.
A father asks his 10-year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees.
I don’t want to know! the child says, bursting into tears.
Promise me you won’t tell me!
Confused, the father asks what’s wrong.
Oh, dad, the boy sobs. When I was six, I got the There’s no Santa speech.
At seven, I got the There’s no Easter Bunny speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the There’s no tooth fairy speech.
If you’re going to tell me that adults don’t really have make love, I’ll have nothing left to live for.
A man walk into a supermarket
A blonde goes into a nearby store
A father asks his 10-year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees.
I don’t want to know! the child says, bursting into tears.
Promise me you won’t tell me!
Confused, the father asks what’s wrong.
Oh, dad, the boy sobs. When I was six, I got the There’s no Santa speech.
At seven, I got the There’s no Easter Bunny speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the There’s no tooth fairy speech.
If you’re going to tell me that adults don’t really have make love, I’ll have nothing left to live for.
A man walk into a supermarket
A blonde goes into a nearby store
📚 Recommended Posts
A Violent Tropical Storm EnvelopedSix Engineers And Six Mathematicians
A Young Lady Came Home From Funny Jokes
Laugh Out Loud Central Your Daily
The Pilot Complains About Airmans Funny
11.
Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing.
The first one to tee off is Moses.
He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green.
Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green.
Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard.
Jesus closes his eyes and prays.
The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the h*le.
The old man’s turn comes and he drives the ball.
The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water.
A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish.
As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish.
As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the h*le, making a h*le in one.
Jesus looks at Moses and says, “I really think I’m leaving Dad at home next time!”
God asks the nun
Do you need help, sir
Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing.
The first one to tee off is Moses.
He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green.
Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green.
Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard.
Jesus closes his eyes and prays.
The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the h*le.
The old man’s turn comes and he drives the ball.
The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water.
A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish.
As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish.
As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the h*le, making a h*le in one.
Jesus looks at Moses and says, “I really think I’m leaving Dad at home next time!”
God asks the nun
Do you need help, sir
12.
A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission.
He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, “Now that’s addition.”
In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, “Now that’s subtraction.”
Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation.
And both together smiled and said, “That’s multiplication.”
Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision.
He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, “That’s long division!”
This fisherman goes to the river
Two hunters went moose hunting
A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission.
He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, “Now that’s addition.”
In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, “Now that’s subtraction.”
Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation.
And both together smiled and said, “That’s multiplication.”
Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision.
He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, “That’s long division!”
This fisherman goes to the river
Two hunters went moose hunting
13.
A little old lady tried to phone her local bank but was put through instead to the bank’s call center.
“Is that the High Street branch?” she asked.
“No, madam,” replied the voice at the other end.
“It is now company policy to deal with telephone calls centrally.”
“Well, I really need to speak to the branch,” said the old lady.
“Madam, if you just let me know your query, I’m sure I can help you.”
“I don’t think you can, young man. I need to speak to the branch.”
The call center operator was adamant.
“There’s nothing that the branch can help you with that can’t be dealt with by me.”
“Very well then,” sighed the old lady.
“Can you just check on the counter? Did I leave my gloves behind when I came in this morning?”
A woman was out driving
A married man was visiting
A little old lady tried to phone her local bank but was put through instead to the bank’s call center.
“Is that the High Street branch?” she asked.
“No, madam,” replied the voice at the other end.
“It is now company policy to deal with telephone calls centrally.”
“Well, I really need to speak to the branch,” said the old lady.
“Madam, if you just let me know your query, I’m sure I can help you.”
“I don’t think you can, young man. I need to speak to the branch.”
The call center operator was adamant.
“There’s nothing that the branch can help you with that can’t be dealt with by me.”
“Very well then,” sighed the old lady.
“Can you just check on the counter? Did I leave my gloves behind when I came in this morning?”
A woman was out driving
A married man was visiting
14.
One day an elephant wandered into a forest in search of friends.
He saw a monkey on a tree.
“Will you be my friend?” asked the elephant.
Replied the monkey, “You are too big you can not swing from trees like me.”
Next, the elephant met a rabbit he asked him to be his friends.
But the rabbit said, “You are too big to play in my burrow!” Then the elephant met a frog.
“Will you be my friend? He asked.
“How can I?” asked the frog.
“You are too big to leap about like me.”
The elephant was upset.
He met a fox next.
“Will you be my friend?” he asked the fox.
The fox said, “Sorry, sir, you are too big.”
The next day, the elephant saw all the animals in the forest running for their lives.
The elephant asked them what the matter was.
The bear replied, “There is a tiger in the forest.
He’s trying to gobble us all up!”
The animals all ran away to hide.
The elephant wondered what he could do to save everyone in the forest.
Meanwhile, the tiger kept eating up whoever he could find.
The elephant walked up to the tiger and said, “Please, Mr Tiger, do not eat up these poor animals.”
“Mind your own business!” growled the tiger.
The elephant has a no choice but to give the tiger a hefty kick.
The frightened tiger ran for his life.
The elephant ambled back into the forest to announce the good news to everyone.
All the animals thanked the elephant.
They said, “You are just the right size to be our friend.”
The homeless man
The teacher decided to observe
One day an elephant wandered into a forest in search of friends.
He saw a monkey on a tree.
“Will you be my friend?” asked the elephant.
Replied the monkey, “You are too big you can not swing from trees like me.”
Next, the elephant met a rabbit he asked him to be his friends.
But the rabbit said, “You are too big to play in my burrow!” Then the elephant met a frog.
“Will you be my friend? He asked.
“How can I?” asked the frog.
“You are too big to leap about like me.”
The elephant was upset.
He met a fox next.
“Will you be my friend?” he asked the fox.
The fox said, “Sorry, sir, you are too big.”
The next day, the elephant saw all the animals in the forest running for their lives.
The elephant asked them what the matter was.
The bear replied, “There is a tiger in the forest.
He’s trying to gobble us all up!”
The animals all ran away to hide.
The elephant wondered what he could do to save everyone in the forest.
Meanwhile, the tiger kept eating up whoever he could find.
The elephant walked up to the tiger and said, “Please, Mr Tiger, do not eat up these poor animals.”
“Mind your own business!” growled the tiger.
The elephant has a no choice but to give the tiger a hefty kick.
The frightened tiger ran for his life.
The elephant ambled back into the forest to announce the good news to everyone.
All the animals thanked the elephant.
They said, “You are just the right size to be our friend.”
The homeless man
The teacher decided to observe
15.
Bill Gates goes to purgatory.
St.Peter says, “Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things.
Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go”.
First, St.Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches.
Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds.
Bill chooses Hell.
About a week later, St.Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons.
Bill says to St.Peter, “What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?”
St.Peter replies, “That was just the screen saver.”
Two elderly grandparents
The three wishes by the Fairy mother
Bill Gates goes to purgatory.
St.Peter says, “Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things.
Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go”.
First, St.Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches.
Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds.
Bill chooses Hell.
About a week later, St.Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons.
Bill says to St.Peter, “What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?”
St.Peter replies, “That was just the screen saver.”
Two elderly grandparents
The three wishes by the Fairy mother
16.
A female secretary was helping her new boss set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.
Wanting to embarrass his new secretary a bit and let her know where they stood, he smugly told her to enter ‘weapon.’
Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password.
She then almost died laughing at the computer’s response:
PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH!
A lay woman was driving down
He calls the waiter over and asks
A female secretary was helping her new boss set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.
Wanting to embarrass his new secretary a bit and let her know where they stood, he smugly told her to enter ‘weapon.’
Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password.
She then almost died laughing at the computer’s response:
PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH!
A lay woman was driving down
He calls the waiter over and asks
17.
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, ‘Harry, what’s your problem?’
Harry answered, ‘I’m too smart for the 1st grade.
My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!’
Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test.
If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.
She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: ‘What is 3 x 3?’
Harry: ‘9.’
Principal: ‘What is 6 x 6?’
Harry: ’36.’
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, ‘I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade’
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, ‘Let me ask him some questions..’
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms.. Brooks asks, ‘What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?’
Harry, after a moment: ‘Legs..’
Ms Brooks: ‘What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?’
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: ‘Pockets.’
Ms. Brooks: ‘What does a dog do that a man steps into?’
Harry: ‘Pants.’
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: ‘What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?’
The principal’ s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied,’Bubble gum.’
Ms. Brooks: ‘What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?’
Harry: ‘Shake hands.’
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: ‘What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?’
Harry: ‘Firetruck.’
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, ‘Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong
A man is in a hotel lobby
A man escapes a prison
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, ‘Harry, what’s your problem?’
Harry answered, ‘I’m too smart for the 1st grade.
My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!’
Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test.
If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.
She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: ‘What is 3 x 3?’
Harry: ‘9.’
Principal: ‘What is 6 x 6?’
Harry: ’36.’
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, ‘I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade’
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, ‘Let me ask him some questions..’
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms.. Brooks asks, ‘What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?’
Harry, after a moment: ‘Legs..’
Ms Brooks: ‘What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?’
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: ‘Pockets.’
Ms. Brooks: ‘What does a dog do that a man steps into?’
Harry: ‘Pants.’
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: ‘What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?’
The principal’ s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied,’Bubble gum.’
Ms. Brooks: ‘What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?’
Harry: ‘Shake hands.’
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: ‘What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?’
Harry: ‘Firetruck.’
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, ‘Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong
A man is in a hotel lobby
A man escapes a prison
18.
A new firefighter was being trained by an old fire chief.
“How would you react if a sudden fire flared up on the front of the building?” asked the fire chief.
“Break out a fire hose and start spraying it, chief.” answered the new firefighter.
“How would you react if another fire flared up in the back of the building?” asked the fire chief.
“Break out another fire hose and start spraying it, chief.” answered the new firefighter.
“And if another huge fire flared up in the basement, how would you react?” asked the fire chief.
“Break out another fire hose.” answered the new firefighter.
“Now wait a minute, son,” said the fire chief.
“Where are all these fire hoses coming from?”
The new firefighter answered, “The same place where all of the fires are coming from, chief.”
A woman goes into a tattoo parlor
Mike walks into the bar and sees Pat
A new firefighter was being trained by an old fire chief.
“How would you react if a sudden fire flared up on the front of the building?” asked the fire chief.
“Break out a fire hose and start spraying it, chief.” answered the new firefighter.
“How would you react if another fire flared up in the back of the building?” asked the fire chief.
“Break out another fire hose and start spraying it, chief.” answered the new firefighter.
“And if another huge fire flared up in the basement, how would you react?” asked the fire chief.
“Break out another fire hose.” answered the new firefighter.
“Now wait a minute, son,” said the fire chief.
“Where are all these fire hoses coming from?”
The new firefighter answered, “The same place where all of the fires are coming from, chief.”
A woman goes into a tattoo parlor
Mike walks into the bar and sees Pat
19.
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He’d toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.
After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out..
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blowhard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,
‘That’s so wonderful! Isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows up?’
The father replied, ‘From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.
Johnny Comes Home With A Porsche
A dude-up city biker
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He’d toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.
After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out..
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blowhard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,
‘That’s so wonderful! Isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows up?’
The father replied, ‘From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.
Johnny Comes Home With A Porsche
A dude-up city biker
20.
A cop pulls over a carload of nuns.
Cop: “Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway — why are you going so slow?”
Sister: “Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65.”
Cop: “Oh sister, that’s not the speed limit, that’s the name of the highway you’re on!
Sister: Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I’ll be more careful.
At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.
Cop: Excuse me, Sister, what’s wrong with your friends back there? They’re shaking something terrible.
Sister: Oh, we just got off of highway 119.
Two old men were sitting on a park bench
A man sitting at a bar looking at his drink
A cop pulls over a carload of nuns.
Cop: “Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway — why are you going so slow?”
Sister: “Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65.”
Cop: “Oh sister, that’s not the speed limit, that’s the name of the highway you’re on!
Sister: Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I’ll be more careful.
At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.
Cop: Excuse me, Sister, what’s wrong with your friends back there? They’re shaking something terrible.
Sister: Oh, we just got off of highway 119.
Two old men were sitting on a park bench
A man sitting at a bar looking at his drink
📚 Recommended Posts
A Violent Tropical Storm EnvelopedSix Engineers And Six Mathematicians
A Young Lady Came Home From Funny Jokes
Laugh Out Loud Central Your Daily
The Pilot Complains About Airmans Funny
21.
A teacher asks a student:
“What kind of woman would you like to be with when you’re all grown up?”
“A woman like the moon!” Answers the kid.
“That’s beautiful,” breathes the teacher, “what a choice! Because you’d like her to be beautiful and radiant like the moon?”
“No, I’d like her to appear at night and disappear come morning!”
Three nuns who had recently died
Two Irish nuns have just arrived
A teacher asks a student:
“What kind of woman would you like to be with when you’re all grown up?”
“A woman like the moon!” Answers the kid.
“That’s beautiful,” breathes the teacher, “what a choice! Because you’d like her to be beautiful and radiant like the moon?”
“No, I’d like her to appear at night and disappear come morning!”
Three nuns who had recently died
Two Irish nuns have just arrived
22.
I was walking through the city when I passed a large abbey.
I walked past and noticed many nuns walking around inside the open large doors.
I headed to a tavern located down the street from the abbey.
As I walked in, I was startled to see a woman in religious attire sitting at the counter.
I sat next to her and asked her why she was here.
She said, “don’t tell my sisters, but this place serves the best gin and tonic I’ve ever had!”
I took her at her word and ordered one. She was right.
It was fantastic, and as I finished, I thanked her.
“This is the best drink I’ve ever had, bar nun.
Frank always looked on the bright side
Two cannibals were walling down the street
I was walking through the city when I passed a large abbey.
I walked past and noticed many nuns walking around inside the open large doors.
I headed to a tavern located down the street from the abbey.
As I walked in, I was startled to see a woman in religious attire sitting at the counter.
I sat next to her and asked her why she was here.
She said, “don’t tell my sisters, but this place serves the best gin and tonic I’ve ever had!”
I took her at her word and ordered one. She was right.
It was fantastic, and as I finished, I thanked her.
“This is the best drink I’ve ever had, bar nun.
Frank always looked on the bright side
Two cannibals were walling down the street
23.
A man calls the hospital.
He shouts into the receiver,
“You gotta send some help, and fast! My wife’s going into labor!”
The nurse says, “Calm down. Is this her first child?”
“No!” he shouts back. “This is her husband!”
A little boy asked his father
A drunkard was brought to court
A man calls the hospital.
He shouts into the receiver,
“You gotta send some help, and fast! My wife’s going into labor!”
The nurse says, “Calm down. Is this her first child?”
“No!” he shouts back. “This is her husband!”
A little boy asked his father
A drunkard was brought to court
24.
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
“Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?”
“None,” replied Johnny, “cause the rest would fly away.”
“Well, the answer is four,” said the teacher, “but I like the way you’re thinking.”
Little Johnny says, “I have a question for you, If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone?”
“Well,” said the teacher nervously, “I guess the one biting the cone.”
“No,” said Little Johnny, “the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you’re thinking.”
A man goes to the doctor
Getting late for a meeting
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
“Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?”
“None,” replied Johnny, “cause the rest would fly away.”
“Well, the answer is four,” said the teacher, “but I like the way you’re thinking.”
Little Johnny says, “I have a question for you, If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone?”
“Well,” said the teacher nervously, “I guess the one biting the cone.”
“No,” said Little Johnny, “the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you’re thinking.”
A man goes to the doctor
Getting late for a meeting
25.
An old lady was stopped to pull into a parking space, when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for.
The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, “I was going to park there!”
The man was a real smart alec and he said, “That’s what you can do when you’re young and bright.”
“Well, this really upset the lady, even more, So she got in her car and backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed straight into his Mercedes.”
The young man ran back to his car and asked, “What did you do that for?”
The little old lady smiled and told him, “That’s what you can do when you’re old and rich!”
A man is skydiving enjoying
A waitress comes to take his order
An old lady was stopped to pull into a parking space, when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for.
The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, “I was going to park there!”
The man was a real smart alec and he said, “That’s what you can do when you’re young and bright.”
“Well, this really upset the lady, even more, So she got in her car and backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed straight into his Mercedes.”
The young man ran back to his car and asked, “What did you do that for?”
The little old lady smiled and told him, “That’s what you can do when you’re old and rich!”
A man is skydiving enjoying
A waitress comes to take his order
26.
Two drunks, Santa and Banta, enter a hotel late at night.
They approach the clerk, and Santa says, “Could you pleash give ush a bed with two rooms?”
“You mean a room with two beds?” asks the clerk.
“Whatever, whatever you shay.”
So they get a key and somehow manage to stumble upstairs to their room.
After fumbling for ten minutes, they even manage to get their door open.
As they stumble inside, the door closes behind them and they are in total darkness.
They go forward slowly, and both fall on the bed closest to the door.
“Ahh,” says Santa, “Now we can get some sleep at last.”
As they try to rearrange themselves, they suddenly realize that they are not alone in their bed.
“Hey! There’s somebody in my bed!” says Banta.
“There’s somebody in my bed too!” says Santa.
“Let’s get rid of them. We paid for this room and we’re going to sleep in the beds!” says Banta.
They start a tremendous struggle. They heave and push until eventually Santa throws Banta on the floor.
“ALL RIGHT!!” Santa shouts, “I’ve thrown mine off the bed.”
“You’re lucky,” says Banta, “I got thrown off and I’m too tired to fight any more.”
“Well, never mind,” says Santa, “Why don’t you just come and share my bed. Let’s get some sleep round here.”
A woman returned home to her husband
A blonde accountant calls her boyfriend
Two drunks, Santa and Banta, enter a hotel late at night.
They approach the clerk, and Santa says, “Could you pleash give ush a bed with two rooms?”
“You mean a room with two beds?” asks the clerk.
“Whatever, whatever you shay.”
So they get a key and somehow manage to stumble upstairs to their room.
After fumbling for ten minutes, they even manage to get their door open.
As they stumble inside, the door closes behind them and they are in total darkness.
They go forward slowly, and both fall on the bed closest to the door.
“Ahh,” says Santa, “Now we can get some sleep at last.”
As they try to rearrange themselves, they suddenly realize that they are not alone in their bed.
“Hey! There’s somebody in my bed!” says Banta.
“There’s somebody in my bed too!” says Santa.
“Let’s get rid of them. We paid for this room and we’re going to sleep in the beds!” says Banta.
They start a tremendous struggle. They heave and push until eventually Santa throws Banta on the floor.
“ALL RIGHT!!” Santa shouts, “I’ve thrown mine off the bed.”
“You’re lucky,” says Banta, “I got thrown off and I’m too tired to fight any more.”
“Well, never mind,” says Santa, “Why don’t you just come and share my bed. Let’s get some sleep round here.”
A woman returned home to her husband
A blonde accountant calls her boyfriend
27.
Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky.
He couldn’t tell what the weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.
He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold?”
“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,” the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again.
“Is it going to be a very cold winter?”
“Yes,” the man at National Weather Service again replied, “it’s definitely going to be a very cold winter.”
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again.
“Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”
“Absolutely,” the man replied.
“It’s going to be one of the coldest winters ever.”
“How can you be so sure?” the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied,
“The Indians are collecting wood like crazy.”
The farmer agreed to deliver the horse
The Pastor & Poor Family
Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky.
He couldn’t tell what the weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.
He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold?”
“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,” the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again.
“Is it going to be a very cold winter?”
“Yes,” the man at National Weather Service again replied, “it’s definitely going to be a very cold winter.”
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again.
“Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”
“Absolutely,” the man replied.
“It’s going to be one of the coldest winters ever.”
“How can you be so sure?” the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied,
“The Indians are collecting wood like crazy.”
The farmer agreed to deliver the horse
The Pastor & Poor Family
28.
It’s a beautiful warm day and a man and his wife are at the Zoo.
She’s wearing a cute loose-fitting, pink spring dress, Sleeveless with straps.
As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the beast goes crazy.
He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand and his feet, grunting and pounding his chest with his free hand.
The gorilla is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.The husband, noticing the excitement, proposes that his wife tease the poor fellow.
The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along.She does, and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall.
She does, and the gorilla is just about to tear the bars down.
“Now try lifting your dress up your thighs.” This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Suddenly, the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the cage door, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the door shut.
“Now, tell HIM you have a fekin headache!”
They all arrive at the Pearly Gates
Murphy drops some buttered toast
It’s a beautiful warm day and a man and his wife are at the Zoo.
She’s wearing a cute loose-fitting, pink spring dress, Sleeveless with straps.
As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the beast goes crazy.
He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand and his feet, grunting and pounding his chest with his free hand.
The gorilla is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.The husband, noticing the excitement, proposes that his wife tease the poor fellow.
The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along.She does, and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall.
She does, and the gorilla is just about to tear the bars down.
“Now try lifting your dress up your thighs.” This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Suddenly, the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the cage door, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the door shut.
“Now, tell HIM you have a fekin headache!”
They all arrive at the Pearly Gates
Murphy drops some buttered toast
29.
Three nuns are talking and the first nun says, “u would never believe what i discovered.”
intrigued, the other to signal her to continue. ” i found a phone in the priests room.”
said the first nun.
“oh that’s nothing said the second one, i found protections in one of his drawers.”
said the second one.
“what did u do with them.”
said the first nun.
pridefully the second nun responds with,” i poked holes in all of them.”
and the third nun says, “oh sh*t…”
can I sleep with your 18 daughters?
Frank went to the gym
Three nuns are talking and the first nun says, “u would never believe what i discovered.”
intrigued, the other to signal her to continue. ” i found a phone in the priests room.”
said the first nun.
“oh that’s nothing said the second one, i found protections in one of his drawers.”
said the second one.
“what did u do with them.”
said the first nun.
pridefully the second nun responds with,” i poked holes in all of them.”
and the third nun says, “oh sh*t…”
can I sleep with your 18 daughters?
Frank went to the gym
30.
Mr. Johnson boarded a plane to New York City.
He was about to sit down in the aisle seat he had booked when he saw a blonde woman sitting in his seat.
“Wh-what are you doing?!” sputtered Mr. Johnson.
“I specifically booked this seat!
Why aren’t you sitting in your seat?!”
The blonde woman replied, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, and I’m sitting in this aisle seat until this plane lands in New York City.”
Angrily, Mr. Johnson snatched the blonde’s ticket out of her hand. It was for the middle seat.
“Your ticket says you’re supposed to be sitting in this middle seat!” he shouted.
“I specifically booked this aisle seat because I’m six-foot-five and I hate the cramped spaces of airplane seats! Meanwhile, you don’t seem to be any taller than five-foot-one. You should be able to handle the middle seat just fine!”
He showed the blonde his ticket to prove that he had, indeed, booked the aisle seat.
Again, the blonde woman replied, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, and I’m sitting in this aisle seat until this plane lands in New York City.”
“You’d better listen to that guy,” said the woman sitting in the window seat.
“I once dated a guy who was six-foot-one, four inches shorter than that guy, and he always sat in the aisle seat because he hated the cramped spaces.”
For the third time, the blonde woman replied, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, and I’m sitting in this aisle seat until this plane lands in New York City.”
Mr. Johnson was now furious.
He told a nearby flight attendant about the blonde in his seat.
The flight attendant whispered something in the blonde’s ear, and the blonde sheepishly moved into the middle seat.
A relieved Mr. Johnson sat in the aisle seat.
As soon as the plane had landed, Mr. Johnson asked the flight attendant, “What did you tell that woman?”
“I told her that the aisle seat wasn’t going to New York City.”
A blonde walks into a bank
George raises his beer mug
Mr. Johnson boarded a plane to New York City.
He was about to sit down in the aisle seat he had booked when he saw a blonde woman sitting in his seat.
“Wh-what are you doing?!” sputtered Mr. Johnson.
“I specifically booked this seat!
Why aren’t you sitting in your seat?!”
The blonde woman replied, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, and I’m sitting in this aisle seat until this plane lands in New York City.”
Angrily, Mr. Johnson snatched the blonde’s ticket out of her hand. It was for the middle seat.
“Your ticket says you’re supposed to be sitting in this middle seat!” he shouted.
“I specifically booked this aisle seat because I’m six-foot-five and I hate the cramped spaces of airplane seats! Meanwhile, you don’t seem to be any taller than five-foot-one. You should be able to handle the middle seat just fine!”
He showed the blonde his ticket to prove that he had, indeed, booked the aisle seat.
Again, the blonde woman replied, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, and I’m sitting in this aisle seat until this plane lands in New York City.”
“You’d better listen to that guy,” said the woman sitting in the window seat.
“I once dated a guy who was six-foot-one, four inches shorter than that guy, and he always sat in the aisle seat because he hated the cramped spaces.”
For the third time, the blonde woman replied, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, and I’m sitting in this aisle seat until this plane lands in New York City.”
Mr. Johnson was now furious.
He told a nearby flight attendant about the blonde in his seat.
The flight attendant whispered something in the blonde’s ear, and the blonde sheepishly moved into the middle seat.
A relieved Mr. Johnson sat in the aisle seat.
As soon as the plane had landed, Mr. Johnson asked the flight attendant, “What did you tell that woman?”
“I told her that the aisle seat wasn’t going to New York City.”
A blonde walks into a bank
George raises his beer mug