1.
An elderly woman went into the doctor’s office.
When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth-control pills.”
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you’re 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?”
The woman responded, “They help me sleep better.”
The doctor thought some more and continued, “How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?”
The woman said, “Simple. I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night.”
A doctor answers his phone
A blonde girl goes to the council
An elderly woman went into the doctor’s office.
When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth-control pills.”
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you’re 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?”
The woman responded, “They help me sleep better.”
The doctor thought some more and continued, “How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?”
The woman said, “Simple. I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night.”
A doctor answers his phone
A blonde girl goes to the council
2.
Little Johnny runs to his dad and says, “Dad, there’s water in the carburetor of the car!”
“How can you be so sure?” the father asks.
“I just know there is,” replies Little Johnny.
“Do you even know what a carburetor is?”
“No,” says Little Johnny.
“OK, where is the car?”
“In the lake.”
Joey goes into a pharmacy
A son challenged his father game of golf
Little Johnny runs to his dad and says, “Dad, there’s water in the carburetor of the car!”
“How can you be so sure?” the father asks.
“I just know there is,” replies Little Johnny.
“Do you even know what a carburetor is?”
“No,” says Little Johnny.
“OK, where is the car?”
“In the lake.”
Joey goes into a pharmacy
A son challenged his father game of golf
3.
Three old men are discussing their make love lives.
The Italian man says, “Last week, my wife and I had great lovemaking. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end.”
The Frenchman boasts, “Last week when my wife and I had make love I rubbed her body all over with butter. We made passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes.
The old Jewish man says, “Well last week my wife and I had lovemaking too. I rubbed her body all over with chicken schmaltz (kosher chicken fat), we made love and she screamed for 6 hours.
The Italian and Frenchman were stunned.
They replied, “What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for 6 hours?”
“I wiped my hands on the drapes.”
Grandpa and grandma were watching the television
He asked the madame
Three old men are discussing their make love lives.
The Italian man says, “Last week, my wife and I had great lovemaking. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end.”
The Frenchman boasts, “Last week when my wife and I had make love I rubbed her body all over with butter. We made passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes.
The old Jewish man says, “Well last week my wife and I had lovemaking too. I rubbed her body all over with chicken schmaltz (kosher chicken fat), we made love and she screamed for 6 hours.
The Italian and Frenchman were stunned.
They replied, “What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for 6 hours?”
“I wiped my hands on the drapes.”
Grandpa and grandma were watching the television
He asked the madame
4.
A woman went to police station to file a report for her missing husband:
Woman: I lost my husband
Inspector: What is his height
Woman: I never noticed
Inspector: Slim or healthy
Woman Not slim can be healthy
Inspector: Color of eyes
Woman: Never noticed
Inspector: Color of hair
Woman: Should be black
Inspector: What was he wearing
Woman: I don’t remember exactly
Inspector: Was somebody with him ?????????
Woman: Yes my Labrador dog Romeo, tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog together.
The woman started crying.
Inspector: Let’s search for the dog first!
The doctor examined the man
A woman returned home to her husband
A woman went to police station to file a report for her missing husband:
Woman: I lost my husband
Inspector: What is his height
Woman: I never noticed
Inspector: Slim or healthy
Woman Not slim can be healthy
Inspector: Color of eyes
Woman: Never noticed
Inspector: Color of hair
Woman: Should be black
Inspector: What was he wearing
Woman: I don’t remember exactly
Inspector: Was somebody with him ?????????
Woman: Yes my Labrador dog Romeo, tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog together.
The woman started crying.
Inspector: Let’s search for the dog first!
The doctor examined the man
A woman returned home to her husband
5.
John was the cop in a small town where everyone knew each other.
One night,a during his night patrol, he spotted the town drunk walking down the street looking like he was up to no good.
“Hey!” Said John, rolling down his window.
“Your not heading for any trouble, are you?”
“No sir!” Responded the drunkard with a big smile, “I’m heading to a lecture!”
A lecture?! thought the cop incredulously at 1 am!? this I gotta see! After following him for a few blocks John was surprised to see him going into his house.
“Hey!” John screamed out his window.
“I thought you were heading to a lecture?!”
The drunkard just held his index finger and headed inside.
Sure enough within a minute John heard the lecture loud and clear through the upstairs window, “JUST WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING OUT ALL THIS TIME YOU NASTY GOOD-FOR-NOTHING…”
Jerry was in the hospital recovering
First check up with his new Doctor
John was the cop in a small town where everyone knew each other.
One night,a during his night patrol, he spotted the town drunk walking down the street looking like he was up to no good.
“Hey!” Said John, rolling down his window.
“Your not heading for any trouble, are you?”
“No sir!” Responded the drunkard with a big smile, “I’m heading to a lecture!”
A lecture?! thought the cop incredulously at 1 am!? this I gotta see! After following him for a few blocks John was surprised to see him going into his house.
“Hey!” John screamed out his window.
“I thought you were heading to a lecture?!”
The drunkard just held his index finger and headed inside.
Sure enough within a minute John heard the lecture loud and clear through the upstairs window, “JUST WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING OUT ALL THIS TIME YOU NASTY GOOD-FOR-NOTHING…”
Jerry was in the hospital recovering
First check up with his new Doctor
6.
Two man are in a bar getting drunk.
Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.
He says, “Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me”.
His friend says, “Don’t worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your fronts pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill”.
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time: “You reek of alcohol and you’ve thrown up all over yourself, you’re disgusting.”
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, “Wait. It’s not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me.
He’d obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn’t hold his liquor.
He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my fronts pocket.”
She looks in his fronts pocket and says, “But this is forty dollars”.
“Ah, yes,” says the man. “He peed in my trousers too”.
A blonde was complaining to her friend
A old man who loves to fish
Two man are in a bar getting drunk.
Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.
He says, “Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me”.
His friend says, “Don’t worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your fronts pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill”.
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time: “You reek of alcohol and you’ve thrown up all over yourself, you’re disgusting.”
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, “Wait. It’s not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me.
He’d obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn’t hold his liquor.
He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my fronts pocket.”
She looks in his fronts pocket and says, “But this is forty dollars”.
“Ah, yes,” says the man. “He peed in my trousers too”.
A blonde was complaining to her friend
A old man who loves to fish
7.
Moishe the Carpenter, returning home with his week’s wages, was accosted by an armed robber on a deserted street.
“Take my money,” said Moishe, “but do me a favor: shoot a bullet through my hat otherwise my wife won’t believe I was robbed.”
The robber obliged he threw Moi-she’s hat into the air and put a bullet through it.
“Let’s make it look as if I ran into a gang of robbers,” said Moishe, “otherwise my wife will call me a coward! Please shoot a number of h*les through my coat.”
So the robber shot a number of h*les through the carpenter’s coat.
“And now?”
“Sorry,” interrupted the robber.
“No more h*les I’m out of bullets.”
“That’s all I wanted to know!” said Moishe.
“Now hand me back my money and some more for the hat and coat that you’ve ruined or I’ll beat you black and blue!”
The robber threw down the money and ran.
Once there was a business executive
A dead donkey in his front yard
Moishe the Carpenter, returning home with his week’s wages, was accosted by an armed robber on a deserted street.
“Take my money,” said Moishe, “but do me a favor: shoot a bullet through my hat otherwise my wife won’t believe I was robbed.”
The robber obliged he threw Moi-she’s hat into the air and put a bullet through it.
“Let’s make it look as if I ran into a gang of robbers,” said Moishe, “otherwise my wife will call me a coward! Please shoot a number of h*les through my coat.”
So the robber shot a number of h*les through the carpenter’s coat.
“And now?”
“Sorry,” interrupted the robber.
“No more h*les I’m out of bullets.”
“That’s all I wanted to know!” said Moishe.
“Now hand me back my money and some more for the hat and coat that you’ve ruined or I’ll beat you black and blue!”
The robber threw down the money and ran.
Once there was a business executive
A dead donkey in his front yard
8.
Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender,
“I’m so pissed off!”
“Oh yeah? What happened?” asked the bartender politely.
“See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home.
We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her damned husband came in the front door.
So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!”
“Gee, that’s tough,” commiserated the bartender.
“Right, but that’s not what really got me,” the customer went on.
“When her husband came into the room he said:
“Hey great! You’re undressed already! Let me just take a leak.”
And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn’t piss out the window right onto my head?”
“Yeech!” the bartender shook his head.
“No wonder you’re in a lousy mood.”
“Yeah, but I haven’t told you what really, really got to me.
Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his protection out of the window.
And where does it land? My damned forehead!”
“Damn, that’s awful!” says the bartender.
“Oh, I’m not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump.
It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his bum out of the window and let loose right on my head!”
The bartender paled. “That would sure mess up my day.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” the fellow rattled on,
“But do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off?
When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground.”
A nervous young lady sat on a dentist’s chair
Valentine’s Day was quickly approaching
Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender,
“I’m so pissed off!”
“Oh yeah? What happened?” asked the bartender politely.
“See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home.
We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her damned husband came in the front door.
So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!”
“Gee, that’s tough,” commiserated the bartender.
“Right, but that’s not what really got me,” the customer went on.
“When her husband came into the room he said:
“Hey great! You’re undressed already! Let me just take a leak.”
And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn’t piss out the window right onto my head?”
“Yeech!” the bartender shook his head.
“No wonder you’re in a lousy mood.”
“Yeah, but I haven’t told you what really, really got to me.
Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his protection out of the window.
And where does it land? My damned forehead!”
“Damn, that’s awful!” says the bartender.
“Oh, I’m not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump.
It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his bum out of the window and let loose right on my head!”
The bartender paled. “That would sure mess up my day.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” the fellow rattled on,
“But do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off?
When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground.”
A nervous young lady sat on a dentist’s chair
Valentine’s Day was quickly approaching
9.
A man wakes up from his operation and the doctor says ‘I have bad news and good news, what do you want to hear first?’
The man says ‘bad’ so the doctor says ‘during the surgery your girlfriend decided to leave a message that she’s leaving you for another man’ the man says ‘what’s the good then?’
And the doctor says ‘I’m picking her up at 7’
Two old farmers are talking
One day, Einstein has to speak
A man wakes up from his operation and the doctor says ‘I have bad news and good news, what do you want to hear first?’
The man says ‘bad’ so the doctor says ‘during the surgery your girlfriend decided to leave a message that she’s leaving you for another man’ the man says ‘what’s the good then?’
And the doctor says ‘I’m picking her up at 7’
Two old farmers are talking
One day, Einstein has to speak
10.
A woman is alone at home when she hears someone knock at the door.
She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady, “Do you have a private part?” She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it is the same man, and he asks the same question:
“Do you have a private part?” She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home, she tells him what has happened for the last two days.
The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, “Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again”.
The next morning they hear a knock, and both run for the door.
The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, “Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen, and if it is the same guy, I want you to answer yes to the question, because I want to see where he is going with it”.
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough, the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. “Do you have a private part?”
“Yes,” she says.
The man replies, “Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours?”
Mike walks into the bar and sees Pat
A guy walks into a bar and orders
A woman is alone at home when she hears someone knock at the door.
She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady, “Do you have a private part?” She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it is the same man, and he asks the same question:
“Do you have a private part?” She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home, she tells him what has happened for the last two days.
The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, “Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again”.
The next morning they hear a knock, and both run for the door.
The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, “Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen, and if it is the same guy, I want you to answer yes to the question, because I want to see where he is going with it”.
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough, the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. “Do you have a private part?”
“Yes,” she says.
The man replies, “Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours?”
Mike walks into the bar and sees Pat
A guy walks into a bar and orders
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11.
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around.
Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
“Pardon me,” she said, “I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable It’s just that you look just like my son who just died recently.”
“I’m very sorry,” replied the young man, “Is there anything I can do for you?”
“Yes,” she said.
“As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Goodbye mother’? It would make me feel much better.”
“Sure,” answered the young man as the old woman was leaving, he called out, “Goodbye mother!”
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50
“How can that be?” he asked, “I only purchased a few things!”
“Your mother said that you would pay for her,” said the clerk.
A man went to a gift store
A security guard has a dream
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around.
Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
“Pardon me,” she said, “I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable It’s just that you look just like my son who just died recently.”
“I’m very sorry,” replied the young man, “Is there anything I can do for you?”
“Yes,” she said.
“As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Goodbye mother’? It would make me feel much better.”
“Sure,” answered the young man as the old woman was leaving, he called out, “Goodbye mother!”
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50
“How can that be?” he asked, “I only purchased a few things!”
“Your mother said that you would pay for her,” said the clerk.
A man went to a gift store
A security guard has a dream
12.
Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days.
The lion starts chasing the two men.
They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer,
“Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord.”
He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees.
Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion.
As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the it saying a prayer: “Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive.”
They were all trapped on an island
The end of a job interview
Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days.
The lion starts chasing the two men.
They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer,
“Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord.”
He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees.
Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion.
As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the it saying a prayer: “Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive.”
They were all trapped on an island
The end of a job interview
13.
Three women are about to be executed for crimes.
One’s a brunette, one’s a redhead, and one’s a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .”
Suddenly the brunette yells, “earthquake!!” Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .”
The redhead then screams, “tornado!!” Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did.
The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . .”
The blonde shouts, “fire!!”
A married man was having an affair
Two little boys go into the grocery store
Three women are about to be executed for crimes.
One’s a brunette, one’s a redhead, and one’s a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .”
Suddenly the brunette yells, “earthquake!!” Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .”
The redhead then screams, “tornado!!” Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did.
The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . .”
The blonde shouts, “fire!!”
A married man was having an affair
Two little boys go into the grocery store
14.
Three gentlemen are golfing one sunny day.
They come to a difficult par with a water trap just after the tee.
The first golfer proceeds to hit his ball right into the water.
To retrieve it, he simply approaches the body of water and extends his golf club.
The water parts, he takes his next shot and it lands on the green.
The second golfer hits his ball towards the water, but rather than sink, the ball floats on top of the water.
The golfer nonchalantly walks across the water and hits the ball onto the green.
The third golfer hits his the ball directly into the water, where it quickly starts to sink.
As the ball sinks, a fish grabs the ball in its mouth.
At that very moment, a hawk plucks the fish out of the water and begins to carry it aloft.
As the bird soars higher, a bolt of lightning startles the bird, which then drops the fish into a nearby tree.
When the fish hits a branch of the tree, the ball pops out, rolls down the trunk of the tree, across the green and right into the hole…
Moses turns to Jesus and says “You know, I hate golfing with your Father.”
A blonde and a Lawyer on an airplane
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar
Three gentlemen are golfing one sunny day.
They come to a difficult par with a water trap just after the tee.
The first golfer proceeds to hit his ball right into the water.
To retrieve it, he simply approaches the body of water and extends his golf club.
The water parts, he takes his next shot and it lands on the green.
The second golfer hits his ball towards the water, but rather than sink, the ball floats on top of the water.
The golfer nonchalantly walks across the water and hits the ball onto the green.
The third golfer hits his the ball directly into the water, where it quickly starts to sink.
As the ball sinks, a fish grabs the ball in its mouth.
At that very moment, a hawk plucks the fish out of the water and begins to carry it aloft.
As the bird soars higher, a bolt of lightning startles the bird, which then drops the fish into a nearby tree.
When the fish hits a branch of the tree, the ball pops out, rolls down the trunk of the tree, across the green and right into the hole…
Moses turns to Jesus and says “You know, I hate golfing with your Father.”
A blonde and a Lawyer on an airplane
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar
15.
Two pigeons are sitting on a roof, watching the world.
One of them notices a jet plane roaring high up at the sky. ?
He nudges his friend,
”Wow, would you look at that! Look how fast he is!”
The other one shrugs,
“You’d fly like the blazes too if somebody lit your bum on fire.”
A man has been drinking all day at a bar
A little old lady answered a knock on her door
Two pigeons are sitting on a roof, watching the world.
One of them notices a jet plane roaring high up at the sky. ?
He nudges his friend,
”Wow, would you look at that! Look how fast he is!”
The other one shrugs,
“You’d fly like the blazes too if somebody lit your bum on fire.”
A man has been drinking all day at a bar
A little old lady answered a knock on her door
16.
A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs,
“Morris, pack your bags. …. I won the lottery!
The husband says, ‘Oh my God!
“What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?”
“Doesn’t matter to me,” she says.
“Just get the hell out.”
The first day of their Honeymoon
A Dad and a Son were watching TV
A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs,
“Morris, pack your bags. …. I won the lottery!
The husband says, ‘Oh my God!
“What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?”
“Doesn’t matter to me,” she says.
“Just get the hell out.”
The first day of their Honeymoon
A Dad and a Son were watching TV
17.
A man working in an IT company became sick.
He consulted many multi-facility hospitals but still couldn’t get cured…
He was sad.
Then his wife advised, “why don’t you consult a veterinary doctor?”
He was shocked.
He screamed at her, ‘Are you mad?’
She spoke softly ‘Nothing happened to me… It is you have a problem. You wake up early in the morning like cock, take a half bath like a crow, eat something like a monkey, and then run to the office like a racehorse, there you work like a donkey, and you scream to your juniors like a wild bear, evening you reach home and bark at us like a dog, then you eat like a crocodile, at night you go to bed and sleep like a buffalo.
That’s the reason why I asked you to meet a veterinary doctor.’
The man just sat and gaped at her.
The wife asked, Now why are u looking at me like an owl?’
A man goes into a pet shop
A man and his wife were driving
A man working in an IT company became sick.
He consulted many multi-facility hospitals but still couldn’t get cured…
He was sad.
Then his wife advised, “why don’t you consult a veterinary doctor?”
He was shocked.
He screamed at her, ‘Are you mad?’
She spoke softly ‘Nothing happened to me… It is you have a problem. You wake up early in the morning like cock, take a half bath like a crow, eat something like a monkey, and then run to the office like a racehorse, there you work like a donkey, and you scream to your juniors like a wild bear, evening you reach home and bark at us like a dog, then you eat like a crocodile, at night you go to bed and sleep like a buffalo.
That’s the reason why I asked you to meet a veterinary doctor.’
The man just sat and gaped at her.
The wife asked, Now why are u looking at me like an owl?’
A man goes into a pet shop
A man and his wife were driving
18.
Obi Wan Kenobi, Darth Maul and a very old man.
Obi Wan tees off and hits his ball in the sand trap. He mind controls his caddy to mark it a hole-in-one.
Next Darth Maul hits his ball and it lands in the rough.
He walks over to his ball and uses the Force to throw it on the green.
Finally, the old man hits his ball over the trees and, into the parking lot, onto a parked car.
The man lifts the car using the Force and brings the car to the green and drops the car on green, the ball then falls of the car and into the hole.
Obi Wan turns to Darth Maul and says, “Damn, I hate playing with Yoda!!!”
A police officer asks a thief
A Father’s Last Request
Obi Wan Kenobi, Darth Maul and a very old man.
Obi Wan tees off and hits his ball in the sand trap. He mind controls his caddy to mark it a hole-in-one.
Next Darth Maul hits his ball and it lands in the rough.
He walks over to his ball and uses the Force to throw it on the green.
Finally, the old man hits his ball over the trees and, into the parking lot, onto a parked car.
The man lifts the car using the Force and brings the car to the green and drops the car on green, the ball then falls of the car and into the hole.
Obi Wan turns to Darth Maul and says, “Damn, I hate playing with Yoda!!!”
A police officer asks a thief
A Father’s Last Request
19.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.
So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.
Later they get together.
The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water.
Next week is his first communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast.
“Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard
The man pulled over and asked the truck driver
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.
So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.
Later they get together.
The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water.
Next week is his first communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast.
“Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard
The man pulled over and asked the truck driver
20.
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.
There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.
The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says,
“Oh! We have. wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.
The Texan immediately says,
“We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.”
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.
He asks, “And what are those?”
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look,
“Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”
Bill and Doug were having a beer
Two 90 year old men Mike and Joe
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.
There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.
The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says,
“Oh! We have. wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.
The Texan immediately says,
“We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.”
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.
He asks, “And what are those?”
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look,
“Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”
Bill and Doug were having a beer
Two 90 year old men Mike and Joe
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21.
A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home.
At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”
“Yes”, the wife answers, “Why do you ask?”
Frustrated, the man answered, “Put that critter on the phone. I’m lost and need directions!!!”
A mother was teaching her child
A young Redhead goes into the doctor
A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home.
At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”
“Yes”, the wife answers, “Why do you ask?”
Frustrated, the man answered, “Put that critter on the phone. I’m lost and need directions!!!”
A mother was teaching her child
A young Redhead goes into the doctor
22.
A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife doesn’t want to make love with him for the last 7 months.
The doc tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her.
So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doctor asks her what’s wrong and why doesn’t she want to make love with her husband any more.
The wife tells him, “For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab to work.
I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me, ‘So are you going to pay today or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’.
When I get to work I’m late so the boss asks me, ‘So are we going to write this down in the book or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’.
Back home again I take the cab and again I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me again, ‘So are you going to pay this time or what?’ so again I take a ‘or what’.
So you see doc when I get home I’m all tired out, and I don’t want it any more.”
The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, “So are we going to tell your husband or what?”
This elderly lady went to the doctor
Two sisters blonde and brunette
A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife doesn’t want to make love with him for the last 7 months.
The doc tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her.
So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doctor asks her what’s wrong and why doesn’t she want to make love with her husband any more.
The wife tells him, “For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab to work.
I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me, ‘So are you going to pay today or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’.
When I get to work I’m late so the boss asks me, ‘So are we going to write this down in the book or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’.
Back home again I take the cab and again I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me again, ‘So are you going to pay this time or what?’ so again I take a ‘or what’.
So you see doc when I get home I’m all tired out, and I don’t want it any more.”
The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, “So are we going to tell your husband or what?”
This elderly lady went to the doctor
Two sisters blonde and brunette
23.
The mother came on her little son who was standing thoughtfully before the gooseberry bush in the garden.
She noted that his expression was both puzzled and distressed.
“Why, what’s the matter, little lamb?” she asked tenderly.
“I’m thinkin, mumy,” the boy answered.
“What about, little man?”
“Have gooseberries any legs, mumy?”
“Why, no! Of course not, dear.”
The perplexity passed from the little boy’s face, but the expression of trouble deepened, as he spoke again:
“Then, mumy, I fink I’ve swallowed a catapillar.”
A elderly couple who were childhood
An 18 year old girl tells her Mum
The mother came on her little son who was standing thoughtfully before the gooseberry bush in the garden.
She noted that his expression was both puzzled and distressed.
“Why, what’s the matter, little lamb?” she asked tenderly.
“I’m thinkin, mumy,” the boy answered.
“What about, little man?”
“Have gooseberries any legs, mumy?”
“Why, no! Of course not, dear.”
The perplexity passed from the little boy’s face, but the expression of trouble deepened, as he spoke again:
“Then, mumy, I fink I’ve swallowed a catapillar.”
A elderly couple who were childhood
An 18 year old girl tells her Mum
24.
A man and his wife were driving down the road and talking.
The wife asked her husband, “Honey if I were to die, would you get remarried?”
The husband thought for a moment and then said, “Well, yes I think I would.”
The wife wasn’t too happy about this, she spent some time in quiet thought.
Then, after a while she said, “Honey, if I were to die and you were to get remarried, would you give your new wife my jewelry?”
“Well honey, I guess I would.”
The wife wasn’t too happy about this either.
She spent a little more time in thought while they continued their drive and then said,
“Honey, if I were to die and you were to get remarried, would you give your new wife my handbags?”
The husband paused for a moment and then said, “Well sure, I think I would.”
The wife was again a little dismayed with this and spent a little more time in thought.
Then she said to her husband, “Honey if I were to die and you were to get married again would you give your new wife my golf clubs?”
“No,” he said, “she’s left-handed.”
A man working in an IT company
A man and his wife enter a dentist
A man and his wife were driving down the road and talking.
The wife asked her husband, “Honey if I were to die, would you get remarried?”
The husband thought for a moment and then said, “Well, yes I think I would.”
The wife wasn’t too happy about this, she spent some time in quiet thought.
Then, after a while she said, “Honey, if I were to die and you were to get remarried, would you give your new wife my jewelry?”
“Well honey, I guess I would.”
The wife wasn’t too happy about this either.
She spent a little more time in thought while they continued their drive and then said,
“Honey, if I were to die and you were to get remarried, would you give your new wife my handbags?”
The husband paused for a moment and then said, “Well sure, I think I would.”
The wife was again a little dismayed with this and spent a little more time in thought.
Then she said to her husband, “Honey if I were to die and you were to get married again would you give your new wife my golf clubs?”
“No,” he said, “she’s left-handed.”
A man working in an IT company
A man and his wife enter a dentist
25.
Two math professors are in a restaurant.
One argues that the average person does not know any math beyond high school.
The other argues that the average person knows some more advanced math.
Just then, the first one gets up to use the rest room.
The second professor calls over his waitress and says, “When you bring our food, I’m going to ask you a mathematical question.
I want you to answer, ‘One third x cubed.’ Can you do that?”
The waitress says, “I don’t know if I can remember that
One thurr… um…”
“One third x cubed,” says the prof.
“One thir dex cue?,” asks the waitress.
“One”
“One”
“Third”
“Third”
“X”
“X”
“Cubed”
“Cubed”
“One third X cubed”
“One third X cubed”
The waitress leaves, and the other professor comes back.
They resume their conversation until a few minutes later when the waitress brings their food.
The professor says to the waitress, “Say, do you mind if I ask you something?”
“Not at all”
“Can you tell me what the integral of x squared dx is?”
The waitress pauses, then says, “One third x cubed.”
As she walks away, she stops, turns, and adds, “Plus a constant!”
A leading local politician
He turns on his flashlight and proceeds
Two math professors are in a restaurant.
One argues that the average person does not know any math beyond high school.
The other argues that the average person knows some more advanced math.
Just then, the first one gets up to use the rest room.
The second professor calls over his waitress and says, “When you bring our food, I’m going to ask you a mathematical question.
I want you to answer, ‘One third x cubed.’ Can you do that?”
The waitress says, “I don’t know if I can remember that
One thurr… um…”
“One third x cubed,” says the prof.
“One thir dex cue?,” asks the waitress.
“One”
“One”
“Third”
“Third”
“X”
“X”
“Cubed”
“Cubed”
“One third X cubed”
“One third X cubed”
The waitress leaves, and the other professor comes back.
They resume their conversation until a few minutes later when the waitress brings their food.
The professor says to the waitress, “Say, do you mind if I ask you something?”
“Not at all”
“Can you tell me what the integral of x squared dx is?”
The waitress pauses, then says, “One third x cubed.”
As she walks away, she stops, turns, and adds, “Plus a constant!”
A leading local politician
He turns on his flashlight and proceeds
26.
The cabbie said no problem and starting speeding through the streets.
We came up on a yellow light and instead of slowing down, he sped up and shot through the intersection.
I asked, “Hey, should you slow down a bit?”
“Don’t worry about it all of my buddies drive this way.”
We came up on a red light and again he sped through the intersection.
I’m seriously concerned for my life now, “Would you please drive more carefully.”
“Don’t worry about it all of my buddies drive this way and we have been fine.”
Then we came up on a green light and the cabbie screeched to a dead stop.
I got curious, “Why are you stopped at a green light?”
“Oh, I gotta be careful ’cause one of my buddies could be driving on the other street.”
My mother taught
A man goes to the doctor and tells
The cabbie said no problem and starting speeding through the streets.
We came up on a yellow light and instead of slowing down, he sped up and shot through the intersection.
I asked, “Hey, should you slow down a bit?”
“Don’t worry about it all of my buddies drive this way.”
We came up on a red light and again he sped through the intersection.
I’m seriously concerned for my life now, “Would you please drive more carefully.”
“Don’t worry about it all of my buddies drive this way and we have been fine.”
Then we came up on a green light and the cabbie screeched to a dead stop.
I got curious, “Why are you stopped at a green light?”
“Oh, I gotta be careful ’cause one of my buddies could be driving on the other street.”
My mother taught
A man goes to the doctor and tells
27.
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.
One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. “One for you, one for me.
One for you, one for me,” said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle.
As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.
He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, “One for you, one for me.
One for you, one for me.” He just knew what it was, so he jumped back on his bike and rode off.
Now just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
“Come here quick,” said the boy, “you won’t believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.”
The man said, “Beat it kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk.”
When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard,
“One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me…”
The old man whispered, “Boy, you’ve been tellin’ the truth. Let’s see if we can see the Lord.”
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence yet were still unable to see anything.
The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, “One for you, one for me.
That’s all. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done.”
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike
The Nurse Asked My Family’s
My son’s teacher
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.
One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. “One for you, one for me.
One for you, one for me,” said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle.
As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.
He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, “One for you, one for me.
One for you, one for me.” He just knew what it was, so he jumped back on his bike and rode off.
Now just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
“Come here quick,” said the boy, “you won’t believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.”
The man said, “Beat it kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk.”
When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard,
“One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me…”
The old man whispered, “Boy, you’ve been tellin’ the truth. Let’s see if we can see the Lord.”
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence yet were still unable to see anything.
The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, “One for you, one for me.
That’s all. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done.”
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike
The Nurse Asked My Family’s
My son’s teacher
28.
Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good
Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a freaking cat!”
Darryl and Harold were the best patients
During camouflage training
Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good
Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a freaking cat!”
Darryl and Harold were the best patients
During camouflage training
29.
A blonde went to her doctor and said,
“You prescribed birth control pills for me.”
“And how is it going?” he asked.
“Okay, I think, but I’d like to have them bigger.”
The doctor was surprised.
“You mean stronger?”
“No, bigger, please”
“But why BIGGER?”
“Because they keep falling out.”
Sophie and Shirley two elderly widows
This blonde city girl who was out driving
A blonde went to her doctor and said,
“You prescribed birth control pills for me.”
“And how is it going?” he asked.
“Okay, I think, but I’d like to have them bigger.”
The doctor was surprised.
“You mean stronger?”
“No, bigger, please”
“But why BIGGER?”
“Because they keep falling out.”
Sophie and Shirley two elderly widows
This blonde city girl who was out driving
30.
There are two guys walking in front of a large church. One guy says to the other, “Just a minute, I’ll be right back.”
He goes into the confessional and says, “Father forgive me, for I have sinned. I have had two extramarital affairs.”
The Father says, “You need to say 40 Hail Mary’s and I also need to know if the women were members of my parish.”
The confessor replies, “Yes Father, they were.”
The priest says then that in order to receive absolution he, the priest, needed the names of the two women.
The man said, “Father, I don’t kiss and tell, and besides, I must leave them to handle their own confessions.”
The priest responded, “Well, was one of them Mrs. O’Reilly?”
The man replied, “No Father, and I wouldn’t say anyway. I’ve told you that!”
The priest says, “Well, was one of them Mrs. Brown?”
Exasperated the man said, “No Father, and I told you I’m not telling you the names of the women!!!”
The priest said, “Well then I’m going to expel you from the congregation for 6 months!”
The man said, “OK, fine,” and left.
As he approached his friend at the bottom of the steps his friend said, “So, how did it go?”
The confessor said, “Great! 6 months off, and two leads
Three devout nuns were summoned
A guy’s partner called him late
There are two guys walking in front of a large church. One guy says to the other, “Just a minute, I’ll be right back.”
He goes into the confessional and says, “Father forgive me, for I have sinned. I have had two extramarital affairs.”
The Father says, “You need to say 40 Hail Mary’s and I also need to know if the women were members of my parish.”
The confessor replies, “Yes Father, they were.”
The priest says then that in order to receive absolution he, the priest, needed the names of the two women.
The man said, “Father, I don’t kiss and tell, and besides, I must leave them to handle their own confessions.”
The priest responded, “Well, was one of them Mrs. O’Reilly?”
The man replied, “No Father, and I wouldn’t say anyway. I’ve told you that!”
The priest says, “Well, was one of them Mrs. Brown?”
Exasperated the man said, “No Father, and I told you I’m not telling you the names of the women!!!”
The priest said, “Well then I’m going to expel you from the congregation for 6 months!”
The man said, “OK, fine,” and left.
As he approached his friend at the bottom of the steps his friend said, “So, how did it go?”
The confessor said, “Great! 6 months off, and two leads
Three devout nuns were summoned
A guy’s partner called him late