1.
A man and his wife went to a doctor.
The Doctor took the husband in first.
The husband was a bit embarrassed and told the Doctor he had trouble getting an self enjoyment with his wife and she was getting frustrated.
He checked his blood pressure and other things and finally told him he would see his wife now.
He took her to another cubicle and told her to completely disrobe.
Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.
She did as instructed.
He then told her to turn all the way around in the other direction.
Then he said, “OK, you can get dressed now, I will talk to your husband.”
Then the doctor went into the other office and told the husband, “You can relax. There is nothing wrong with you, I couldn’t get an self enjoyment either!”
A man rushes into his house
This woman asks her husband why he Is acting crazy
A man and his wife went to a doctor.
The Doctor took the husband in first.
The husband was a bit embarrassed and told the Doctor he had trouble getting an self enjoyment with his wife and she was getting frustrated.
He checked his blood pressure and other things and finally told him he would see his wife now.
He took her to another cubicle and told her to completely disrobe.
Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.
She did as instructed.
He then told her to turn all the way around in the other direction.
Then he said, “OK, you can get dressed now, I will talk to your husband.”
Then the doctor went into the other office and told the husband, “You can relax. There is nothing wrong with you, I couldn’t get an self enjoyment either!”
A man rushes into his house
This woman asks her husband why he Is acting crazy
2.
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.
“My name is Billy. What’s yours?”
asked the first boy.
“Tommy,” replied the second.
“My Daddy’s an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?”
asked Billy. Tommy replied, “My Daddy’s a lawyer.”
“Honest?”
asked Billy.
“No, just the regular kind”, replied Tommy.
Three men were discussing at a bar
A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.
“My name is Billy. What’s yours?”
asked the first boy.
“Tommy,” replied the second.
“My Daddy’s an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?”
asked Billy. Tommy replied, “My Daddy’s a lawyer.”
“Honest?”
asked Billy.
“No, just the regular kind”, replied Tommy.
Three men were discussing at a bar
A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson
3.
A male patient was lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four-hour surgical procedure.
A young student nurse came into his room, ready to give him a partial sponge bath.
“Nurse,” he mumbled from behind the mask. “Are my ball black?”
Embarrassed, the young nurse replied: “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body.”
He struggled to ask again: “Nurse, are my ball black?”
Concerned that he might elevate his vitals from concern about his ball, she overcame her embarrassment and sheepishly pulled back the covers.
She raised his gown, held his weapon in one hand and his ball in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.
Then, she took a close look and said: “No sir, they aren’t. And I assure you, there’s nothing wrong with them!!”
The man weakly pulled off his oxygen mask, smiled at her and said, very slowly:
“Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely….
“A r e – m y – t e s t – r e s u l t s – b a c k?”
A cab driver picked up a nun
Grandpa and grandma were watching the television
A male patient was lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four-hour surgical procedure.
A young student nurse came into his room, ready to give him a partial sponge bath.
“Nurse,” he mumbled from behind the mask. “Are my ball black?”
Embarrassed, the young nurse replied: “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body.”
He struggled to ask again: “Nurse, are my ball black?”
Concerned that he might elevate his vitals from concern about his ball, she overcame her embarrassment and sheepishly pulled back the covers.
She raised his gown, held his weapon in one hand and his ball in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.
Then, she took a close look and said: “No sir, they aren’t. And I assure you, there’s nothing wrong with them!!”
The man weakly pulled off his oxygen mask, smiled at her and said, very slowly:
“Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely….
“A r e – m y – t e s t – r e s u l t s – b a c k?”
A cab driver picked up a nun
Grandpa and grandma were watching the television
4.
A salesman was trying to talk a farmer into buying a bicycle, but was meeting with considerable sales resistance.
“Shucks, I’d sooner spend my money on a cow,” said the farmer.
“Ah,” replied the salesman, “but think how silly you’d look riding around on a cow.”
“Humph!” retorted the farmer. “Not near as silly as I’d look trying to milk a bicycle!”
Three rats are sitting at the bar
A doctor just finishes his check-up
A salesman was trying to talk a farmer into buying a bicycle, but was meeting with considerable sales resistance.
“Shucks, I’d sooner spend my money on a cow,” said the farmer.
“Ah,” replied the salesman, “but think how silly you’d look riding around on a cow.”
“Humph!” retorted the farmer. “Not near as silly as I’d look trying to milk a bicycle!”
Three rats are sitting at the bar
A doctor just finishes his check-up
5.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.
So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.
Later they get together.
The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water.
Next week is his first communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast.
“Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard
The man pulled over and asked the truck driver
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.
So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.
Later they get together.
The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water.
Next week is his first communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast.
“Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard
The man pulled over and asked the truck driver
6.
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.
The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its h*le.
He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that h*le.”
The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little h*le.”
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray.
He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.
Then he puts the worm back into the h*le.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, “Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.”
The grandfather replies, “I know. That’s from your grandma.”
A couple walked into cheap restaurant
A young boy caught sight of his mother
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.
The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its h*le.
He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that h*le.”
The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little h*le.”
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray.
He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.
Then he puts the worm back into the h*le.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, “Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.”
The grandfather replies, “I know. That’s from your grandma.”
A couple walked into cheap restaurant
A young boy caught sight of his mother
7.
A blonde walked into a department store and said “i would like to buy this tv”.
The manager said “sorry we don’t sell to blondes”.
The blonde was so mad, she went home and died her hair black.
She went back to the department store and said “i would like to buy this tv please”, the manager said “sorry we don’t sell to blondes”.
The blonde was furious.
She went home and died her hair red but waited a couple of days to return.
After a couple of days she returned to the department store and said “i would like to buy this tv please”.
The manager replied with “we don’t sell to blondes”.
The blonde said how do you know I’m a blonde.
The manager said “because that’s a microwave.”
A few months after his parents were divorced
A student at college had failed his final
A blonde walked into a department store and said “i would like to buy this tv”.
The manager said “sorry we don’t sell to blondes”.
The blonde was so mad, she went home and died her hair black.
She went back to the department store and said “i would like to buy this tv please”, the manager said “sorry we don’t sell to blondes”.
The blonde was furious.
She went home and died her hair red but waited a couple of days to return.
After a couple of days she returned to the department store and said “i would like to buy this tv please”.
The manager replied with “we don’t sell to blondes”.
The blonde said how do you know I’m a blonde.
The manager said “because that’s a microwave.”
A few months after his parents were divorced
A student at college had failed his final
8.
One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate.
He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand.
The pastor asked her to come to the front.
Slowly she made her way to the pastor.
He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, “I’ll take him and him and him.”
Three old men are talking about
The man asked the doctor
One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate.
He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand.
The pastor asked her to come to the front.
Slowly she made her way to the pastor.
He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, “I’ll take him and him and him.”
Three old men are talking about
The man asked the doctor
9.
There was once a couple that had been married for 20 years.
They had a fine love life, with one exception:
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights completely.
Well, at first it wasn’t so annoying, but after so many years of marriage the wife felt it was foolish.
She figured she would break him out of the crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down and saw her husband was holding a specially made pleasure device.
She got very angry.
“You impotent bastard!” she screamed at him.
“How could you have been lying to me all these years? You better explain yourself!”
The husband looked her straight in the eyes and said calmly:
“I’ll explain the toy if you explain the kids.”
A husband said to his wife
A man and his wife were having an argument
There was once a couple that had been married for 20 years.
They had a fine love life, with one exception:
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights completely.
Well, at first it wasn’t so annoying, but after so many years of marriage the wife felt it was foolish.
She figured she would break him out of the crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down and saw her husband was holding a specially made pleasure device.
She got very angry.
“You impotent bastard!” she screamed at him.
“How could you have been lying to me all these years? You better explain yourself!”
The husband looked her straight in the eyes and said calmly:
“I’ll explain the toy if you explain the kids.”
A husband said to his wife
A man and his wife were having an argument
10.
Lying on his deathbed, an elderly man made his final request to his wife:
“Honey, I’m almost out of time and there’s something I’d like you to do for me when I’m gone.”
She nodded her head and said,
“You can count on me. Anything you ask, I’ll make sure it’s done.”
“I want you to wed my buddy, Jacob,” he said, his voice filled with emotion.
Astonished, his wife replied,
“Jacob? But I thought you couldn’t stand him!”
He smiled and looked into her eyes as he answered,
“That’s precisely why…”
A woman wakes up in the night
A mother and father took their son
Lying on his deathbed, an elderly man made his final request to his wife:
“Honey, I’m almost out of time and there’s something I’d like you to do for me when I’m gone.”
She nodded her head and said,
“You can count on me. Anything you ask, I’ll make sure it’s done.”
“I want you to wed my buddy, Jacob,” he said, his voice filled with emotion.
Astonished, his wife replied,
“Jacob? But I thought you couldn’t stand him!”
He smiled and looked into her eyes as he answered,
“That’s precisely why…”
A woman wakes up in the night
A mother and father took their son
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11.
Morris had died.
His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Morris’ Last Will and Testament.
“To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 150 acres of land, and 1 million dollars.
To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the new Jaguar.
To my daughter Shirley, I leave my yacht and $250,000.
And to my brother-in-law Aaron, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my treadmill.”
Young lady drove a little yellow sports car
Becky was the manager of a jewelry store
Morris had died.
His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Morris’ Last Will and Testament.
“To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 150 acres of land, and 1 million dollars.
To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the new Jaguar.
To my daughter Shirley, I leave my yacht and $250,000.
And to my brother-in-law Aaron, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my treadmill.”
Young lady drove a little yellow sports car
Becky was the manager of a jewelry store
12.
After four years of drought in the small north-east village, the priest gathered everyone for a pilgrimage up to the mountain;
there they would do a collective prayer, asking for the rain to fall again.
In the group, the priest noticed a boy wearing a raincoat.
“Are you crazy?” he asked the boy.
“It hasn’t rained in this region for five years and the heat from hiking up the mountain will kill you.”
The boy replied: “I have a cold, priest
If we are going to ask God for rain, can you imagine our return from the mountain? It will be a spate and I need to be prepared.”
At this moment, they heard a great roar coming from the sky and the first drops began to fall.
It sufficed the faith of a boy in a miracle that even the most prepared ones didn’t believe in.
The Husband Hired A Detective
A chemistry professor wanted to teach
After four years of drought in the small north-east village, the priest gathered everyone for a pilgrimage up to the mountain;
there they would do a collective prayer, asking for the rain to fall again.
In the group, the priest noticed a boy wearing a raincoat.
“Are you crazy?” he asked the boy.
“It hasn’t rained in this region for five years and the heat from hiking up the mountain will kill you.”
The boy replied: “I have a cold, priest
If we are going to ask God for rain, can you imagine our return from the mountain? It will be a spate and I need to be prepared.”
At this moment, they heard a great roar coming from the sky and the first drops began to fall.
It sufficed the faith of a boy in a miracle that even the most prepared ones didn’t believe in.
The Husband Hired A Detective
A chemistry professor wanted to teach
13.
A wife asked her husband to drop her off at a friend’s house, where a wedding reception was taking place.
He responded that he would be too busy throughout the day in the office, and gave her some money to take a taxi.
He left for the office.
The wife took a Taxi to the wedding reception, there she met a fine Girl and they got talking to each other.
Soon they became friends.
In the evening when everyone was leaving, the Girl asked the Woman how she was going home.
She replied that her husband was too busy in the office to pick her up so she would use a taxi.
The Girl responded; “My boyfriend brought me here and would be coming to pick me up. I just spoke to him on the phone and he’s on his way. Why don’t you join me in his car and we would drop you at your house”
The woman agreed. A few minutes later, her husband’s car arrived.
The Girl jumped into the front passenger seat of the car and asked the Woman to sit at the backseat, which she did confused and perturbed.
Then the Girl introduced her new friend to her boyfriend.
When the man turned around to greet the woman, he recognized her as his wife. Nothing much was said along the way.
He dropped the wife at home first as planned and proceeded to drop the Girl at her house.
The question now is: If you were the wife, what would you do when your husband returns home?
If you were the husband, what would you say to your wife when you return home?
What would you do if you are the wife?
Martin and his wife Debbie walk into a dentist
A old man goes to a restaurant and orders
A wife asked her husband to drop her off at a friend’s house, where a wedding reception was taking place.
He responded that he would be too busy throughout the day in the office, and gave her some money to take a taxi.
He left for the office.
The wife took a Taxi to the wedding reception, there she met a fine Girl and they got talking to each other.
Soon they became friends.
In the evening when everyone was leaving, the Girl asked the Woman how she was going home.
She replied that her husband was too busy in the office to pick her up so she would use a taxi.
The Girl responded; “My boyfriend brought me here and would be coming to pick me up. I just spoke to him on the phone and he’s on his way. Why don’t you join me in his car and we would drop you at your house”
The woman agreed. A few minutes later, her husband’s car arrived.
The Girl jumped into the front passenger seat of the car and asked the Woman to sit at the backseat, which she did confused and perturbed.
Then the Girl introduced her new friend to her boyfriend.
When the man turned around to greet the woman, he recognized her as his wife. Nothing much was said along the way.
He dropped the wife at home first as planned and proceeded to drop the Girl at her house.
The question now is: If you were the wife, what would you do when your husband returns home?
If you were the husband, what would you say to your wife when you return home?
What would you do if you are the wife?
Martin and his wife Debbie walk into a dentist
A old man goes to a restaurant and orders
14.
A grandma was cleaning her attic with her cat by her side for company.
Amongst the boxes and old papers, she found a little lamp.
She picked it up and wiped it off with her apron, when “POOF” out popped Genie.
“I will grant you three wishes” proclaimed Genie.
The grandma thought for a moment and said, “I wish I was the most beautiful 20-year-old woman in the world, I wish I had more money than I knew what to do with, and I wish you would turn my cat into the most handsome prince around.”
The Genie nodded and after a huge cloud of dust cleared, the Genie was gone and so was the lamp.
The grandma looked at herself and she was certainly beautiful.
She was surrounded by scads of money in Large Bills.
She flung an armful in the air and watched it flutter down around her.
She giggled with delight at the mountains of cash.
Then she turned to look where her adoring cat once stood.
There in the feline’s place stood a tall, dark, handsome man with chiseled features, a washboard stomach, broad shoulders, and a soccer-players-tush.
She walked over to him, he put his arms around her, brushed his hand upon her cheek, looked deep into her eyes and whispered softly,
“Now, aren’t you sorry that you had me undressed?”
A old lady goes to her bank
Two little old ladies Connie and Jean
A grandma was cleaning her attic with her cat by her side for company.
Amongst the boxes and old papers, she found a little lamp.
She picked it up and wiped it off with her apron, when “POOF” out popped Genie.
“I will grant you three wishes” proclaimed Genie.
The grandma thought for a moment and said, “I wish I was the most beautiful 20-year-old woman in the world, I wish I had more money than I knew what to do with, and I wish you would turn my cat into the most handsome prince around.”
The Genie nodded and after a huge cloud of dust cleared, the Genie was gone and so was the lamp.
The grandma looked at herself and she was certainly beautiful.
She was surrounded by scads of money in Large Bills.
She flung an armful in the air and watched it flutter down around her.
She giggled with delight at the mountains of cash.
Then she turned to look where her adoring cat once stood.
There in the feline’s place stood a tall, dark, handsome man with chiseled features, a washboard stomach, broad shoulders, and a soccer-players-tush.
She walked over to him, he put his arms around her, brushed his hand upon her cheek, looked deep into her eyes and whispered softly,
“Now, aren’t you sorry that you had me undressed?”
A old lady goes to her bank
Two little old ladies Connie and Jean
15.
A cop pulled over a car and finds a young couple in the front seat.
Where your seat belt young man? asked the cop.
Oh, I just took if off now when you were walking up to the car, responded the man.
No you didn’t! exclaimed his wife, you never wear your seat belt!.
A little taken aback, the cop asked to see his license.
Aw shucks! cried the man, I must have left it home! Yeah right! screamed his wife, You know it expired 3 months ago!
At a loss for words, the cop asked the woman are you always so tough on him?!
No responded the young woman, only when he had too much to drink!.
A drunk man walks out of a bar
Mark was passing by the bar
A cop pulled over a car and finds a young couple in the front seat.
Where your seat belt young man? asked the cop.
Oh, I just took if off now when you were walking up to the car, responded the man.
No you didn’t! exclaimed his wife, you never wear your seat belt!.
A little taken aback, the cop asked to see his license.
Aw shucks! cried the man, I must have left it home! Yeah right! screamed his wife, You know it expired 3 months ago!
At a loss for words, the cop asked the woman are you always so tough on him?!
No responded the young woman, only when he had too much to drink!.
A drunk man walks out of a bar
Mark was passing by the bar
16.
Sally a blonde was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage.
She was gone several days but finally she returned.
Her friend, Liz, never saw Sally looking’ so sad.
Liz “Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days.
Glad you got back okay…but you look so sad. Why??”
Sally, “Cause I just can’t get a man.”
Liz, “Well, you sure won’t find one in the middle of the woods.”
Sally, “Don’t be so silly. I know that.
But I went in the woods cause I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn’t find it.”
Liz, “I don’t understand what you’re talking about.”
Sally, “Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage.”
Liz, “So, how’s that gonna help you get a man.”
Sally, “Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters.”
A man hires a blonde to paint stripes
A man went to his doctor and asked
Sally a blonde was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage.
She was gone several days but finally she returned.
Her friend, Liz, never saw Sally looking’ so sad.
Liz “Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days.
Glad you got back okay…but you look so sad. Why??”
Sally, “Cause I just can’t get a man.”
Liz, “Well, you sure won’t find one in the middle of the woods.”
Sally, “Don’t be so silly. I know that.
But I went in the woods cause I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn’t find it.”
Liz, “I don’t understand what you’re talking about.”
Sally, “Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage.”
Liz, “So, how’s that gonna help you get a man.”
Sally, “Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters.”
A man hires a blonde to paint stripes
A man went to his doctor and asked
17.
A little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said:
“I’m so happy to see you, Grandma. Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us.”
The grandmother was curious.
“What trick is that my dear?” she asked.
The little boy replied:
“I heard Daddy tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again.”
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar
A man walked into the bar
A little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said:
“I’m so happy to see you, Grandma. Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us.”
The grandmother was curious.
“What trick is that my dear?” she asked.
The little boy replied:
“I heard Daddy tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again.”
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar
A man walked into the bar
18.
A man wakes up from his operation and the doctor says ‘I have bad news and good news, what do you want to hear first?’
The man says ‘bad’ so the doctor says ‘during the surgery your girlfriend decided to leave a message that she’s leaving you for another man’ the man says ‘what’s the good then?’
And the doctor says ‘I’m picking her up at 7’
Two old farmers are talking
One day, Einstein has to speak
A man wakes up from his operation and the doctor says ‘I have bad news and good news, what do you want to hear first?’
The man says ‘bad’ so the doctor says ‘during the surgery your girlfriend decided to leave a message that she’s leaving you for another man’ the man says ‘what’s the good then?’
And the doctor says ‘I’m picking her up at 7’
Two old farmers are talking
One day, Einstein has to speak
19.
Sam called his wife and said to her in a weak voice, “Hey baby, I was driving to a coffee shop to meet Mary when all of a sudden, a stray dog came in the way.
I tried to steer left to avoid running it down, but the car skidded due to high speed, rolled over and almost ran off the cliff.
The car was hanging nose down over the cliff, as I looked down fearing impending death.
“I just managed to climb out of the car and save my life, just before the car fell over the cliff crashing thousands of feet below and was blown into smithereens.”
Sam continued, “I was taken to a hospital. I have a broken leg, broken jaw, dislocated shoulder and several injuries on my head.”
There was silence on the phone, then the wife asked, “Who is Mary?”
A couple was going out
A wife come home from a shopping
Sam called his wife and said to her in a weak voice, “Hey baby, I was driving to a coffee shop to meet Mary when all of a sudden, a stray dog came in the way.
I tried to steer left to avoid running it down, but the car skidded due to high speed, rolled over and almost ran off the cliff.
The car was hanging nose down over the cliff, as I looked down fearing impending death.
“I just managed to climb out of the car and save my life, just before the car fell over the cliff crashing thousands of feet below and was blown into smithereens.”
Sam continued, “I was taken to a hospital. I have a broken leg, broken jaw, dislocated shoulder and several injuries on my head.”
There was silence on the phone, then the wife asked, “Who is Mary?”
A couple was going out
A wife come home from a shopping
20.
An old man is walking along the street one morning, feeling hungry.
He sees a sign in the window of a restaurant that says, “Try our Exotic Breakfast now”
So he walks in and sits down at a table.
The waitress comes over and asks what he wants.
The old man asks, “What’s your Exotic Breakfast?”
“Baked tongue of chicken,” she proudly replies.
The old man shouts, “Baked tongue of chicken! Have you any idea how disgusting that is? I’d never even think about eating anything that came out of a chicken’s mouth! Urgh!!”
The waitress is a little taken aback, but stays calm and asks him, “No problem, sir. What would you prefer, then?”
The old man says, “Just bring me some scrambled eggs.”
A man is getting into the shower
A mother mouse and a baby mouse
An old man is walking along the street one morning, feeling hungry.
He sees a sign in the window of a restaurant that says, “Try our Exotic Breakfast now”
So he walks in and sits down at a table.
The waitress comes over and asks what he wants.
The old man asks, “What’s your Exotic Breakfast?”
“Baked tongue of chicken,” she proudly replies.
The old man shouts, “Baked tongue of chicken! Have you any idea how disgusting that is? I’d never even think about eating anything that came out of a chicken’s mouth! Urgh!!”
The waitress is a little taken aback, but stays calm and asks him, “No problem, sir. What would you prefer, then?”
The old man says, “Just bring me some scrambled eggs.”
A man is getting into the shower
A mother mouse and a baby mouse
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21.
Once upon a time there was a poor but very brave man called Ali.
He worked for Ammar, a rich old merchant.
One winter’s night Ammar said:
“nobody can spend a night like this on top of the mountain without a blanket or food but you need money, and if you can manage to do that you will receive a great reward If you don’t, you will work for thirty days without pay”.
Ali answered: “tomorrow I shall do this test”.
But when he left the shop, he saw that a really icy wind was blowing and became scared, so he decided to ask his best friend, Aydi, if it was crazy of him to accept that bet.
After reflecting a while, Aydi answered:
I shall help you tomorrow, when you are at the top of the mountain, look ahead.
I will be on the top of the mountain next to yours, where I will spend the whole night with a bonfire lit for you.
You look at the fire and think about our friendship – that will keep you warm you will manage, and later on I shall ask you something in return.
Ali won the test, got the money, and went to his friend’s house:
“You told me you wanted some payment.”
Aydi answered: “Yes, but it isn’t money
Promise that if at any time a cold wind passes through my life, you will light the fire of friendship for me.”
A man hears a voice
He goes to his local priest
Once upon a time there was a poor but very brave man called Ali.
He worked for Ammar, a rich old merchant.
One winter’s night Ammar said:
“nobody can spend a night like this on top of the mountain without a blanket or food but you need money, and if you can manage to do that you will receive a great reward If you don’t, you will work for thirty days without pay”.
Ali answered: “tomorrow I shall do this test”.
But when he left the shop, he saw that a really icy wind was blowing and became scared, so he decided to ask his best friend, Aydi, if it was crazy of him to accept that bet.
After reflecting a while, Aydi answered:
I shall help you tomorrow, when you are at the top of the mountain, look ahead.
I will be on the top of the mountain next to yours, where I will spend the whole night with a bonfire lit for you.
You look at the fire and think about our friendship – that will keep you warm you will manage, and later on I shall ask you something in return.
Ali won the test, got the money, and went to his friend’s house:
“You told me you wanted some payment.”
Aydi answered: “Yes, but it isn’t money
Promise that if at any time a cold wind passes through my life, you will light the fire of friendship for me.”
A man hears a voice
He goes to his local priest
22.
The income was pitiful, the plumbing rattled, the roof leaked, the air conditioning didn’t work, and the church didn’t have the funds for any repairs.
Then, the priest got a brilliant idea.
He bought a book about hypnosis, and read it from cover to cover.
At the next service, he took out a cross on a chain, swung it back and forth, and lulled the congregation into a hypnotic trance.
He said, “I want everybody to walk down the aisle and put $20 in the plate.”
They did, and he had the church’s roof fixed that week.
This worked so well that on the next Sunday, he decided to do it again.
Taking his cross out, he proclaimed, “I want everybody to come down the aisle and drop $100 in the offering plate.”
They did, and he got the air conditioning fixed and the parking lot redone.
His third Sunday, he got to thinking, “I haven’t been paid in a long time, I deserve a little money.”
He started swinging his cross again, and he thought, “I deserve a lot more than a little bit of money.”
I deserve enough to go overseas and have a cottage on the beach.
I deserve a lot more.
The crowd was hypnotized, but he got so excited about what he wanted to receive that his hands started to sweat, and as the chain slipped from his grip and hit the floor.
The General went out to find
A 24 year old boy
The income was pitiful, the plumbing rattled, the roof leaked, the air conditioning didn’t work, and the church didn’t have the funds for any repairs.
Then, the priest got a brilliant idea.
He bought a book about hypnosis, and read it from cover to cover.
At the next service, he took out a cross on a chain, swung it back and forth, and lulled the congregation into a hypnotic trance.
He said, “I want everybody to walk down the aisle and put $20 in the plate.”
They did, and he had the church’s roof fixed that week.
This worked so well that on the next Sunday, he decided to do it again.
Taking his cross out, he proclaimed, “I want everybody to come down the aisle and drop $100 in the offering plate.”
They did, and he got the air conditioning fixed and the parking lot redone.
His third Sunday, he got to thinking, “I haven’t been paid in a long time, I deserve a little money.”
He started swinging his cross again, and he thought, “I deserve a lot more than a little bit of money.”
I deserve enough to go overseas and have a cottage on the beach.
I deserve a lot more.
The crowd was hypnotized, but he got so excited about what he wanted to receive that his hands started to sweat, and as the chain slipped from his grip and hit the floor.
The General went out to find
A 24 year old boy
23.
One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner.
As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.
Tom wasn’t happy about that: “When are you going to learn to be polite?”
Bill: “If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?”
Tom: “The smaller piece, of course.”
Bill: “What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?”
A explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb
Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard
One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner.
As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.
Tom wasn’t happy about that: “When are you going to learn to be polite?”
Bill: “If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?”
Tom: “The smaller piece, of course.”
Bill: “What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?”
A explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb
Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard
24.
A school teacher used to take a short nap every afternoon.
When his pupils asked him why he did so, he said that he went to dreamland to meet ancient sages.
One extremely hot day some of the pupils fell asleep in the afternoon.
When the school-teacher chided them, they said:
“We went to meet the sages in dreamland.”
“What did they say?” demanded the teacher.
“We asked them if a school- teacher came there every afternoon, but they said they had seen no such person.”
A beautiful redhead
Man And Ostrich
A school teacher used to take a short nap every afternoon.
When his pupils asked him why he did so, he said that he went to dreamland to meet ancient sages.
One extremely hot day some of the pupils fell asleep in the afternoon.
When the school-teacher chided them, they said:
“We went to meet the sages in dreamland.”
“What did they say?” demanded the teacher.
“We asked them if a school- teacher came there every afternoon, but they said they had seen no such person.”
A beautiful redhead
Man And Ostrich
25.
One day, a young guy and a young girl fell in love.
But the guy came from a poor family.
The girl’s parents weren’t too happy.
So the young man decided not only to court the girl but to court her parents as well.
In time, the parents saw that he was a good man and was worthy of their daughter’s hand.
But there was another problem: The man was a soldier soon, war broke out and he was being sent overseas for a year.
The week before he left, the man knelt on his knee and asked his lady love,
“Will you marry me?” She wiped her tears and said “Yes” and they were engaged.
They agreed that when he got back in one year, they would get married.
But tragedy struck a few days after he left, the girl had a major vehicular accident it was a head-on collision.
When she woke up in the hospital, she saw her father and mother crying Immediately, she knew there was something wrong.
She later found out that she suffered brain injury.
The part of her brain that controlled her face muscles was damaged her once lovely face was now disfigured.
She cried as she saw herself in the mirror.
“Yesterday, I was beautiful today, I’m a monster.”
Her body was also covered with so many ugly wounds.
Right there and then, she decided to release her fiance from their promise.
She knew he wouldn’t want her anymore.
She would forget about him and never see him again.
For one year, the soldier wrote many letters—but she wouldn’t answer.
He phoned her many times but she wouldn’t return her calls.
But after one year, the mother walked into her room and announced, “He’s back from the war.”
The girl shouted, “No! Please don’t tell him about me don’t tell him I’m here!”
The mother said, “He’s getting married,” and handed her a wedding invitation.
The girl’s heart sank she knew she still loved him—but she had to forget him now with great sadness, she opened the wedding invitation and then she saw her name on it!
Confused, she asked, “What is this?”
That was when the young man entered her room with a bouquet of flowers.
He knelt beside her and asked, “Will you marry me?”
The girl covered her face with her hands and said, “I’m ugly!”
The man said, “Without your permission, your mother sent me your photos when I saw your photos, I realized that nothing has changed you’re still the person I fell in love you’re still as beautiful as ever because I love you!”
A Man And His Wife Go On A Date
A Amish boy and his father
One day, a young guy and a young girl fell in love.
But the guy came from a poor family.
The girl’s parents weren’t too happy.
So the young man decided not only to court the girl but to court her parents as well.
In time, the parents saw that he was a good man and was worthy of their daughter’s hand.
But there was another problem: The man was a soldier soon, war broke out and he was being sent overseas for a year.
The week before he left, the man knelt on his knee and asked his lady love,
“Will you marry me?” She wiped her tears and said “Yes” and they were engaged.
They agreed that when he got back in one year, they would get married.
But tragedy struck a few days after he left, the girl had a major vehicular accident it was a head-on collision.
When she woke up in the hospital, she saw her father and mother crying Immediately, she knew there was something wrong.
She later found out that she suffered brain injury.
The part of her brain that controlled her face muscles was damaged her once lovely face was now disfigured.
She cried as she saw herself in the mirror.
“Yesterday, I was beautiful today, I’m a monster.”
Her body was also covered with so many ugly wounds.
Right there and then, she decided to release her fiance from their promise.
She knew he wouldn’t want her anymore.
She would forget about him and never see him again.
For one year, the soldier wrote many letters—but she wouldn’t answer.
He phoned her many times but she wouldn’t return her calls.
But after one year, the mother walked into her room and announced, “He’s back from the war.”
The girl shouted, “No! Please don’t tell him about me don’t tell him I’m here!”
The mother said, “He’s getting married,” and handed her a wedding invitation.
The girl’s heart sank she knew she still loved him—but she had to forget him now with great sadness, she opened the wedding invitation and then she saw her name on it!
Confused, she asked, “What is this?”
That was when the young man entered her room with a bouquet of flowers.
He knelt beside her and asked, “Will you marry me?”
The girl covered her face with her hands and said, “I’m ugly!”
The man said, “Without your permission, your mother sent me your photos when I saw your photos, I realized that nothing has changed you’re still the person I fell in love you’re still as beautiful as ever because I love you!”
A Man And His Wife Go On A Date
A Amish boy and his father
26.
A man is driving down a country road when he loses control of his car and ends up in a ditch.
He gets out of the car and knocks on a farmhouse door for help.
He explains his situation to the farmer.
The farmer gets his horse and they walk to the crash scene.
The farmer then uses a rope to tie the horse to the car Pull, Zoomer, pull the farmer shouts, but the horse doesn’t move.
Pull, Radar, pull the farmer yells again, but again, the horse stands still Pull, Dasher, pull yells the farmer, but the horse stands like a rock.
Pull, Dusty, pull shouts the farmer, and the horse finally gets the car out with minimal effort.
The driver is dumbfounded so he asks the farmer:
“Why do you call your horse different names?”
You see,” the farmer replies, “Dusty is blind.
“If he knew he was working by himself, he wouldn’t have pulled.”
A woman goes to the store
A teacher was testing the children in her Sunday
A man is driving down a country road when he loses control of his car and ends up in a ditch.
He gets out of the car and knocks on a farmhouse door for help.
He explains his situation to the farmer.
The farmer gets his horse and they walk to the crash scene.
The farmer then uses a rope to tie the horse to the car Pull, Zoomer, pull the farmer shouts, but the horse doesn’t move.
Pull, Radar, pull the farmer yells again, but again, the horse stands still Pull, Dasher, pull yells the farmer, but the horse stands like a rock.
Pull, Dusty, pull shouts the farmer, and the horse finally gets the car out with minimal effort.
The driver is dumbfounded so he asks the farmer:
“Why do you call your horse different names?”
You see,” the farmer replies, “Dusty is blind.
“If he knew he was working by himself, he wouldn’t have pulled.”
A woman goes to the store
A teacher was testing the children in her Sunday
27.
It was their first quarrel.
Johnny was coming off worst until he brought his bride’s family into the argument.
“Your father is an old drunkard,” he stated with venom.
“Your mother is a nagger, and your brother is an idle Iay about”
“Can’t you say one decent thing about my family?” she asked, sarcastically.
Johnny replied: “Yes, just one! They were all opposed to our marriage.”
A couple were in a busy shopping center
A lady went to a doctor
It was their first quarrel.
Johnny was coming off worst until he brought his bride’s family into the argument.
“Your father is an old drunkard,” he stated with venom.
“Your mother is a nagger, and your brother is an idle Iay about”
“Can’t you say one decent thing about my family?” she asked, sarcastically.
Johnny replied: “Yes, just one! They were all opposed to our marriage.”
A couple were in a busy shopping center
A lady went to a doctor
28.
One sunny day, two men were sitting in a pub drinking pints of lager, when one turned to the other and said: “You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I’m gonna go over there and talk to him”.
So, he went over to the man and tapped him on the shoulder
“Excuse me, sir,” he started
“But I noticed you look just like me!”
The second man turned around and said: “Yeah, I noticed the same thing, where you from?”
“I’m from Brisbane,” the man said: Stunned
The second man said: “Me too! What street do you live on?”
“McCarthy Street.” The second man replied: “Me too! What number is it?”
The first man said: “162”
The second man replied in shock: “Me too! What are your parents’ names?”
“Bruce and Shannon!”
The second man was awestruck and said: “Mine too! This is unbelievable!”
So, they bought another round and continued talking as the bartenders changed shifts
The new bartender came in, walked up to his colleague and asked:
“What’s new today?”
“Oh, not much
The Murphy twins are drunk again.”
The Unfortunate Man At The Bar
The Doctor
One sunny day, two men were sitting in a pub drinking pints of lager, when one turned to the other and said: “You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I’m gonna go over there and talk to him”.
So, he went over to the man and tapped him on the shoulder
“Excuse me, sir,” he started
“But I noticed you look just like me!”
The second man turned around and said: “Yeah, I noticed the same thing, where you from?”
“I’m from Brisbane,” the man said: Stunned
The second man said: “Me too! What street do you live on?”
“McCarthy Street.” The second man replied: “Me too! What number is it?”
The first man said: “162”
The second man replied in shock: “Me too! What are your parents’ names?”
“Bruce and Shannon!”
The second man was awestruck and said: “Mine too! This is unbelievable!”
So, they bought another round and continued talking as the bartenders changed shifts
The new bartender came in, walked up to his colleague and asked:
“What’s new today?”
“Oh, not much
The Murphy twins are drunk again.”
The Unfortunate Man At The Bar
The Doctor
29.
Three guys were walking through the desert.
All of them were thirsty, tired, and hot.
All of the sudden, one shouts that he sees a broken down car not too far ahead of them.
All three men race to the car and the first guy pops the hood and grabs the radiator.
“Whenever I get thirsty,” he tells the other two, “I’ll just take a sip from this.”
The second man runs and pulls a seat from the front and proudly declares, “whenever I get too tired, I’ll just throw this on the ground and sit on it.”
With some effort, the third guy pulls the car’s door right off and begins to carry it with him.
The other two guys, confused, asked him, “What are you going to do with that?”
The third guy replied: “If I get too hot, I’ll just roll down the window.”
Mrs. Jennings began each vocabulary
A man was driving down highway
Three guys were walking through the desert.
All of them were thirsty, tired, and hot.
All of the sudden, one shouts that he sees a broken down car not too far ahead of them.
All three men race to the car and the first guy pops the hood and grabs the radiator.
“Whenever I get thirsty,” he tells the other two, “I’ll just take a sip from this.”
The second man runs and pulls a seat from the front and proudly declares, “whenever I get too tired, I’ll just throw this on the ground and sit on it.”
With some effort, the third guy pulls the car’s door right off and begins to carry it with him.
The other two guys, confused, asked him, “What are you going to do with that?”
The third guy replied: “If I get too hot, I’ll just roll down the window.”
Mrs. Jennings began each vocabulary
A man was driving down highway
30.
A man and his wife of more than 50 years were rocking back and forth on the front porch.
Slowly they rocked in rhythm, as this was their time to spend a few quiet moments and after years of practice they rocked to the same pace.
Suddenly the wife stopped, grabbed her cane, and with a loud and hard WHACK hit her husband across the shins.
His eyes watered and tears ran down his cheeks.
When he finally caught his breath he gasped and asked, “What’d you do that fer?””
“That’s fer fifty years of bad make love,” she said.
He nodded his head, but said nothing. Slowly they began to rock again.
Again they kept pace. Back and forth, back and forth they rocked, until suddenly the man stopped, and picked up his cane.
He reached over and with a loud, sharp WHACK, he hit his wife across the shins.
As soon as her eyes quit watering and she could speak she asked, “What was that fer?”
That, said her husband as he began to rock again, “is fer knowing’ the difference!”
A woman woke in the middle of the night
A husband and a wife sit at the table
A man and his wife of more than 50 years were rocking back and forth on the front porch.
Slowly they rocked in rhythm, as this was their time to spend a few quiet moments and after years of practice they rocked to the same pace.
Suddenly the wife stopped, grabbed her cane, and with a loud and hard WHACK hit her husband across the shins.
His eyes watered and tears ran down his cheeks.
When he finally caught his breath he gasped and asked, “What’d you do that fer?””
“That’s fer fifty years of bad make love,” she said.
He nodded his head, but said nothing. Slowly they began to rock again.
Again they kept pace. Back and forth, back and forth they rocked, until suddenly the man stopped, and picked up his cane.
He reached over and with a loud, sharp WHACK, he hit his wife across the shins.
As soon as her eyes quit watering and she could speak she asked, “What was that fer?”
That, said her husband as he began to rock again, “is fer knowing’ the difference!”
A woman woke in the middle of the night
A husband and a wife sit at the table