1.
A man drove past a traffic camera and saw it flash.
He couldn’t believe he had been caught speeding when he was driving below the speed limit for once!
He turned around and drove past again, this time even slower.
But as he passed the camera, it flashed again. He was angry!
He turned around again and this time drove past at a snail’s pace.
But again, the camera flashed.
“Oh, well,” he thought. “It must be broken.” and drove home.
A week later, he received three tickets in the mail for not wearing his seat belt.
Becky was the manager of a jewelry store
A man sits down on a bar stool
A man drove past a traffic camera and saw it flash.
He couldn’t believe he had been caught speeding when he was driving below the speed limit for once!
He turned around and drove past again, this time even slower.
But as he passed the camera, it flashed again. He was angry!
He turned around again and this time drove past at a snail’s pace.
But again, the camera flashed.
“Oh, well,” he thought. “It must be broken.” and drove home.
A week later, he received three tickets in the mail for not wearing his seat belt.
Becky was the manager of a jewelry store
A man sits down on a bar stool
2.
A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, “Doctor, you’ve got to do something about my husband he thinks he’s a refrigerator!”
“I wouldn’t worry too much about it,” the doctor replies.
“Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass.”
“But you don’t understand,” the woman insists.
“He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake.”
A old man ordered one hamburger
Mrs. Jones was reading a letter
A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, “Doctor, you’ve got to do something about my husband he thinks he’s a refrigerator!”
“I wouldn’t worry too much about it,” the doctor replies.
“Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass.”
“But you don’t understand,” the woman insists.
“He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake.”
A old man ordered one hamburger
Mrs. Jones was reading a letter
3.
A 91-year-old lady comes to the dentist’s office in North Dakota.
She claimed it was an emergency, so the young doctor working in the clinic prepared himself for the worst.
The old lady walks into the dentist’s office with her cane in one hand, struggling to get to where the doctor is.
“Good day, ma’am,” says the dentist.
“Hello,” responds the grandma.
She sits in the chair, quickly lowers her underpants, and lifts her legs wide open.
The young man can’t believe his eyes, and his face becomes as red as a tomato from the embarrassment.
“Oh, eh… Excuse me, ma’am, but I’m not a gynecologist,” he says with a shaky voice.
“I know,” replies the 91-year-old granny.
“But wasn’t it you who put the new teeth on my husband, Robert?”
“Yes, it was,” says the dentist, confused.
The old lady leans over towards the doctor and grabs his arm: “I want you to take them out!”
There was a blind girl
After many years of bachelorhood
A 91-year-old lady comes to the dentist’s office in North Dakota.
She claimed it was an emergency, so the young doctor working in the clinic prepared himself for the worst.
The old lady walks into the dentist’s office with her cane in one hand, struggling to get to where the doctor is.
“Good day, ma’am,” says the dentist.
“Hello,” responds the grandma.
She sits in the chair, quickly lowers her underpants, and lifts her legs wide open.
The young man can’t believe his eyes, and his face becomes as red as a tomato from the embarrassment.
“Oh, eh… Excuse me, ma’am, but I’m not a gynecologist,” he says with a shaky voice.
“I know,” replies the 91-year-old granny.
“But wasn’t it you who put the new teeth on my husband, Robert?”
“Yes, it was,” says the dentist, confused.
The old lady leans over towards the doctor and grabs his arm: “I want you to take them out!”
There was a blind girl
After many years of bachelorhood
4.
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says,
“Please come over here and help me, I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”
Her neighbor asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The little silver-haired lady says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster”
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
“First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”
He takes her hand and says, “Secondly, I want you to relax let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then,” he said with a deep sigh.
“Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”
A blonde heard that baths in milk
A secretary goes to the company stockroom
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says,
“Please come over here and help me, I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”
Her neighbor asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The little silver-haired lady says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster”
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
“First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”
He takes her hand and says, “Secondly, I want you to relax let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then,” he said with a deep sigh.
“Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”
A blonde heard that baths in milk
A secretary goes to the company stockroom
5.
An old man who loves to fish, was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, “Pick me up.”
He looked around and couldn’t see any one.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, “Pick me up.”
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, “Are you talking to me?”
The frog said, “Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up.
Then, kiss me and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I’ll then give you more bang pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of.”
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front melons pocket.
Then the frog said, “What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you bang pleasures like you have never had.”
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, “Nah, at my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”
Two man are in a bar getting drunk
Mrs Potts went to the doctor
An old man who loves to fish, was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, “Pick me up.”
He looked around and couldn’t see any one.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, “Pick me up.”
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, “Are you talking to me?”
The frog said, “Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up.
Then, kiss me and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I’ll then give you more bang pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of.”
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front melons pocket.
Then the frog said, “What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you bang pleasures like you have never had.”
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, “Nah, at my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”
Two man are in a bar getting drunk
Mrs Potts went to the doctor
6.
Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness.
The first says, “I’m so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!”
The second says, “Well I’m so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!”
Then the third rat gets up and says, “Later guys, I’m off home to harass the cat.”
A third grade teacher asked her students
A salesman was trying to talk a farmer
Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness.
The first says, “I’m so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!”
The second says, “Well I’m so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!”
Then the third rat gets up and says, “Later guys, I’m off home to harass the cat.”
A third grade teacher asked her students
A salesman was trying to talk a farmer
7.
A man is sitting on a train across from a hot girl wearing a tiny mini skirt.
Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at her thighs.
To his delight, he realizes she has gone without undies.
The blonde realizes he is staring and enquirers, “Are you looking at me?”
“Yes, I’m sorry” replies the man and promises to avert his eyes.
“It’s quite alright,” replies the woman, “It’s very talented, watch this, I’ll make it blow a kiss to you.”
Sure enough she blows him a kiss.
The man, who is getting really interested, enquirers what else the wonder this part can do.
“I can also make it wink,” says the woman.
The man stares in amazement as she winks at him.
“Come and sit next to me,” suggests the woman, patting the seat.
The man moves over and is asked,
“Would you like to insert a couple of fingers in?”
Stunned, the man replies, Can it whistle as well?”
A rather confident man walks into a bar
A chemistry teacher wanted to teach
A man is sitting on a train across from a hot girl wearing a tiny mini skirt.
Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at her thighs.
To his delight, he realizes she has gone without undies.
The blonde realizes he is staring and enquirers, “Are you looking at me?”
“Yes, I’m sorry” replies the man and promises to avert his eyes.
“It’s quite alright,” replies the woman, “It’s very talented, watch this, I’ll make it blow a kiss to you.”
Sure enough she blows him a kiss.
The man, who is getting really interested, enquirers what else the wonder this part can do.
“I can also make it wink,” says the woman.
The man stares in amazement as she winks at him.
“Come and sit next to me,” suggests the woman, patting the seat.
The man moves over and is asked,
“Would you like to insert a couple of fingers in?”
Stunned, the man replies, Can it whistle as well?”
A rather confident man walks into a bar
A chemistry teacher wanted to teach
8.
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, “You Can Be THE Man Of Your House.”
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of make love that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”
The wife replied, “The damn funeral director would be my first guess.”
A little girl asked her Mom
A guy goes over to his friend house
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, “You Can Be THE Man Of Your House.”
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of make love that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”
The wife replied, “The damn funeral director would be my first guess.”
A little girl asked her Mom
A guy goes over to his friend house
9.
A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear.
He carries his trusty 22-gauge rifle with him.
After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires.
When the smoke clears, the bear is gone.
A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “No one shoots at me and gets away with it.
You have two choices: I can rip your throat out and eat you, or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and I’ll do you in the bum.”
The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his trousers and bends over, and the bear does what he said he would do.
After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers again and staggers back into town. He’s pretty mad.
He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest.
He sees the same bear, aims, and fires.
When the smoke clears, the bear is gone.
A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “You know what to do.”
Afterwards, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town, and buys a bazooka. Now he’s really mad.
He returns to the forest, sees the bear, aims, and fires.
The force of the bazooka blast knocks him flat on his back.
When the smoke clears, the bear is standing over him and says, “You’re not doing this for the hunting, are you?”
Dan was a single guy living at home
A Irish man went to the courthouse
A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear.
He carries his trusty 22-gauge rifle with him.
After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires.
When the smoke clears, the bear is gone.
A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “No one shoots at me and gets away with it.
You have two choices: I can rip your throat out and eat you, or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and I’ll do you in the bum.”
The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his trousers and bends over, and the bear does what he said he would do.
After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers again and staggers back into town. He’s pretty mad.
He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest.
He sees the same bear, aims, and fires.
When the smoke clears, the bear is gone.
A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “You know what to do.”
Afterwards, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town, and buys a bazooka. Now he’s really mad.
He returns to the forest, sees the bear, aims, and fires.
The force of the bazooka blast knocks him flat on his back.
When the smoke clears, the bear is standing over him and says, “You’re not doing this for the hunting, are you?”
Dan was a single guy living at home
A Irish man went to the courthouse
10.
A woman went to police station to file a report for her missing husband:
Woman: I lost my husband
Inspector: What is his height
Woman: I never noticed
Inspector: Slim or healthy
Woman Not slim can be healthy
Inspector: Color of eyes
Woman: Never noticed
Inspector: Color of hair
Woman: Should be black
Inspector: What was he wearing
Woman: I don’t remember exactly
Inspector: Was somebody with him ?????????
Woman: Yes my Labrador dog Romeo, tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog together.
The woman started crying.
Inspector: Let’s search for the dog first!
The doctor examined the man
A woman returned home to her husband
A woman went to police station to file a report for her missing husband:
Woman: I lost my husband
Inspector: What is his height
Woman: I never noticed
Inspector: Slim or healthy
Woman Not slim can be healthy
Inspector: Color of eyes
Woman: Never noticed
Inspector: Color of hair
Woman: Should be black
Inspector: What was he wearing
Woman: I don’t remember exactly
Inspector: Was somebody with him ?????????
Woman: Yes my Labrador dog Romeo, tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog together.
The woman started crying.
Inspector: Let’s search for the dog first!
The doctor examined the man
A woman returned home to her husband
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11.
A plumber was called to a woman’s apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe.
When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked babe, and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.
About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans.
“That was my husband,” she said, “He’s on his way home, but he’s going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off.”
The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. “What? On my own time??”
Two women were playing a round of golf
A guy walks into the human resources department
A plumber was called to a woman’s apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe.
When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked babe, and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.
About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans.
“That was my husband,” she said, “He’s on his way home, but he’s going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off.”
The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. “What? On my own time??”
Two women were playing a round of golf
A guy walks into the human resources department
12.
One day a man with an elephant walks into a movie theater: “I’m afraid I can’t let your elephant in here, sir.” The manager says.
“Oh, I assure you, he’s very well behaved.” The man says.
“All right then.” The manager says.
“If you’re sure.”
After the movie, the manager says to the man.
“I’m very surprised! Your elephant was well behaved, and he even seemed to enjoy the movie!”
“Yes, I was surprised, too.” Says the man.
“He hated the book.”
A supervisor asks johnny during bible class
A Football team was on the field during practice
One day a man with an elephant walks into a movie theater: “I’m afraid I can’t let your elephant in here, sir.” The manager says.
“Oh, I assure you, he’s very well behaved.” The man says.
“All right then.” The manager says.
“If you’re sure.”
After the movie, the manager says to the man.
“I’m very surprised! Your elephant was well behaved, and he even seemed to enjoy the movie!”
“Yes, I was surprised, too.” Says the man.
“He hated the book.”
A supervisor asks johnny during bible class
A Football team was on the field during practice
13.
A man died and went up to heaven.
Upon arriving he noticed two signs One said, “Men Who Are Bossed By Their wives,” the other one said “Men Not Bossed By Their Wives.”
After closer inspection he noticed that while next to the first sign was a big line, by the second sign there was just one man.
After getting even closer he realized it was his friend Harry.
“Hey Harry” the man questioned “what in the world are you doing here? Your wife bosses you around more then anybody.”
“I don’t know” Harry replied “my wife told me to stand here.”
A blonde and brunette are sitting
The CEO of a large company
A man died and went up to heaven.
Upon arriving he noticed two signs One said, “Men Who Are Bossed By Their wives,” the other one said “Men Not Bossed By Their Wives.”
After closer inspection he noticed that while next to the first sign was a big line, by the second sign there was just one man.
After getting even closer he realized it was his friend Harry.
“Hey Harry” the man questioned “what in the world are you doing here? Your wife bosses you around more then anybody.”
“I don’t know” Harry replied “my wife told me to stand here.”
A blonde and brunette are sitting
The CEO of a large company
14.
Nurse: “Do you have siblings?”
Me: “Yes, a younger brother.”
Nurse: “Does he have any medical issues?”
Me: “He broke his finger on his right hand hitting someone in a bar fight.”
Nurse: “Oh, okay. Anything else?”
Me: “He’s battling hemorrhoids.”
Nurse: “I’m sure he’ll be interested to know that’s now in your medical chart.”
Me: “I doubt it, he sent me and folks he works with a photo.”
Me: “Do you want to include the photo in my chart?”
Nurse; “No, that’s not necessary.”
Nurse: “Is your father still alive?”
Me: “Nope, he died in 2008.”
Nurse: “What happened to him?”
Me: “Drove off an embankment and plunged into a river 50 feet below.”
Nurse: “That sounds dreadful.”
Me: “Coroner said he died peacefully in his sleep.
It wasn’t so peaceful for the other three people in the car with him though.”
A man who drank a lot was told by his wife
On the outskirts of a small town
Nurse: “Do you have siblings?”
Me: “Yes, a younger brother.”
Nurse: “Does he have any medical issues?”
Me: “He broke his finger on his right hand hitting someone in a bar fight.”
Nurse: “Oh, okay. Anything else?”
Me: “He’s battling hemorrhoids.”
Nurse: “I’m sure he’ll be interested to know that’s now in your medical chart.”
Me: “I doubt it, he sent me and folks he works with a photo.”
Me: “Do you want to include the photo in my chart?”
Nurse; “No, that’s not necessary.”
Nurse: “Is your father still alive?”
Me: “Nope, he died in 2008.”
Nurse: “What happened to him?”
Me: “Drove off an embankment and plunged into a river 50 feet below.”
Nurse: “That sounds dreadful.”
Me: “Coroner said he died peacefully in his sleep.
It wasn’t so peaceful for the other three people in the car with him though.”
A man who drank a lot was told by his wife
On the outskirts of a small town
15.
The man said to the dentist, “Doc, I’m in a hurry.
I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it.”
The man continues, “We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and its 9:30 already.
I don’t have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!”.
The dentist thought to himself, my goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.
So the dentist asked him, “Which tooth is it, sir?”
The man turned to his wife and said:
“Open your mouth, honey, and show him.”
The boy had nails into the fence
The big Alligator
The man said to the dentist, “Doc, I’m in a hurry.
I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it.”
The man continues, “We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and its 9:30 already.
I don’t have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!”.
The dentist thought to himself, my goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.
So the dentist asked him, “Which tooth is it, sir?”
The man turned to his wife and said:
“Open your mouth, honey, and show him.”
The boy had nails into the fence
The big Alligator
16.
A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter.
The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and asks, “if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?”
“Absolutely,” the lawyer responded.
The butcher immediately shot back, “Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning.”
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99.
A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer.
The contents read “Consultation: $25.00.”
Traffic Accident
Two brothers who lived on adjoining farms
A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter.
The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and asks, “if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?”
“Absolutely,” the lawyer responded.
The butcher immediately shot back, “Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning.”
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99.
A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer.
The contents read “Consultation: $25.00.”
Traffic Accident
Two brothers who lived on adjoining farms
17.
An old man of about 70 years age went to the Bank to give his life certificate.
The young cute lady was very nice and polite.
She thanked him and said “OK Sir”.
He asked her “Do you think that I am alive?”
She was shocked. She looked at him and he smiled.
He said “Miss, you did not check my pulse, you did not check my heartbeat, you neither checked my eyes’ reaction for mental activity. So how did you conclude that I am still alive?”
She smiled mischievously, looked at him and said “Sir, if you think you are not alive, please bring your DEATH CERTIFICATE”.
They both laughed heartily.
Nice flirtation at 70!!!.
The pastors wife bought a dress
He gets a checkup with his physician
An old man of about 70 years age went to the Bank to give his life certificate.
The young cute lady was very nice and polite.
She thanked him and said “OK Sir”.
He asked her “Do you think that I am alive?”
She was shocked. She looked at him and he smiled.
He said “Miss, you did not check my pulse, you did not check my heartbeat, you neither checked my eyes’ reaction for mental activity. So how did you conclude that I am still alive?”
She smiled mischievously, looked at him and said “Sir, if you think you are not alive, please bring your DEATH CERTIFICATE”.
They both laughed heartily.
Nice flirtation at 70!!!.
The pastors wife bought a dress
He gets a checkup with his physician
18.
A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon.
After two weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family.
Since this was a new home, the process took some time.
A week later, they received two tickets in the mail for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get.
They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this.
Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line, “Guess who sent them.”
The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor but failed in the effort.
They went to the theater and had a wonderful time.
On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value.
And on the bare table in the dining room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets:
“Now you know!”
She comes home to find her husband in bed
A old man and his grand daughter were sitting
A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon.
After two weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family.
Since this was a new home, the process took some time.
A week later, they received two tickets in the mail for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get.
They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this.
Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line, “Guess who sent them.”
The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor but failed in the effort.
They went to the theater and had a wonderful time.
On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value.
And on the bare table in the dining room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets:
“Now you know!”
She comes home to find her husband in bed
A old man and his grand daughter were sitting
19.
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening church service when she was startled by an intruder.
She caught the burglar red-handed, and yelled, “Stop! Acts 2:38 meaning, repent and be baptized…!”
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks.
The woman then calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the burglar, he asked, “Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.”
“Scripture?” replied the burglar, “I thought she said she had an axe and two 38’s!”
He was met at the Pearly Gates
Three older ladies were discussing
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening church service when she was startled by an intruder.
She caught the burglar red-handed, and yelled, “Stop! Acts 2:38 meaning, repent and be baptized…!”
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks.
The woman then calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the burglar, he asked, “Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.”
“Scripture?” replied the burglar, “I thought she said she had an axe and two 38’s!”
He was met at the Pearly Gates
Three older ladies were discussing
20.
A man came to the emergency room with a series of long, jagged tear marks on his cheek and neck, as though he had been clawed by some large animal.
“What happened to you?” asked the doctor who was examining him.
“Chain saw accident,” the man replied.
“Well, you’re lucky,” the doctor said; “I’ve seen worse.”
“It wasn’t turned on,” the man replied.
Louisa asked her small brother
I just won the lottery
A man came to the emergency room with a series of long, jagged tear marks on his cheek and neck, as though he had been clawed by some large animal.
“What happened to you?” asked the doctor who was examining him.
“Chain saw accident,” the man replied.
“Well, you’re lucky,” the doctor said; “I’ve seen worse.”
“It wasn’t turned on,” the man replied.
Louisa asked her small brother
I just won the lottery
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21.
Alan’s wife called him as he was at in the pub last night.
“I’ve cooked dinner,” she screamed,
“And if you’re not home within 20 minutes I’m going to feed it to the dog.”
“Woooah! That’s bang out of order!”
Alan said, “It’s not his fault.”
A old woman was arrested for shoplifting
A baby elephant and a baby turtle
Alan’s wife called him as he was at in the pub last night.
“I’ve cooked dinner,” she screamed,
“And if you’re not home within 20 minutes I’m going to feed it to the dog.”
“Woooah! That’s bang out of order!”
Alan said, “It’s not his fault.”
A old woman was arrested for shoplifting
A baby elephant and a baby turtle
22.
A guy dials his home phone from work.
A strange woman answers.
The guy says, “Who is this?”
“This is the maid.”, answered the woman.
“We don’t have a maid!”
“I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house.”
“Well, this is her husband. Is she there?”
“Ummm …. she’s upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband.”
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, “Listen, would you like to make $50,000?”
“What do I have to do?”
“I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with.”
The maid puts down the phone.
The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. “What should I do with the bodies?”
“Throw them in the swimming pool!”
“What?! There’s no pool here?”
He asked the madame
A woman meets with her lover
A guy dials his home phone from work.
A strange woman answers.
The guy says, “Who is this?”
“This is the maid.”, answered the woman.
“We don’t have a maid!”
“I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house.”
“Well, this is her husband. Is she there?”
“Ummm …. she’s upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband.”
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, “Listen, would you like to make $50,000?”
“What do I have to do?”
“I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with.”
The maid puts down the phone.
The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. “What should I do with the bodies?”
“Throw them in the swimming pool!”
“What?! There’s no pool here?”
He asked the madame
A woman meets with her lover
23.
An old hunter of foxes, considered to be the best in the region, decided finally to retire.
He gathered together his belongings and resolved to set off for the south of the country, where the climate was milder.
However, before he could finish packing up his things, he received a visit from a young man.
‘I would like to learn your techniques,’ said the newcomer.
‘In exchange, I will buy your shop, your hunting license, and I will also pay you for all your secrets.’
The old man agreed, they signed a contract and he taught the young man all the secrets of fox-hunting.
With the money he received, he bought a beautiful house in the south, where the climate was so mild that not once during the whole winter did he have to worry about gathering wood for the fire.
In the spring, though, he felt nostalgic for his own village and decided to go back and see his friends.
When he arrived, he bumped into the young man who, some months before, had paid him a fortune for his secrets.
‘So,’ the old hunter said, ‘how was the hunting season?’
‘I didn’t catch a single fox.’
The old man was surprised and confused.
‘Didn’t you follow my advice?’
With eyes downcast, the young man replied,
‘Well, to be honest, no, I didn’t, I thought your methods were out of date and I ended up discovering for myself a better way of hunting foxes.’
The wise man
She Asks The Boy His Father’s Occupation
An old hunter of foxes, considered to be the best in the region, decided finally to retire.
He gathered together his belongings and resolved to set off for the south of the country, where the climate was milder.
However, before he could finish packing up his things, he received a visit from a young man.
‘I would like to learn your techniques,’ said the newcomer.
‘In exchange, I will buy your shop, your hunting license, and I will also pay you for all your secrets.’
The old man agreed, they signed a contract and he taught the young man all the secrets of fox-hunting.
With the money he received, he bought a beautiful house in the south, where the climate was so mild that not once during the whole winter did he have to worry about gathering wood for the fire.
In the spring, though, he felt nostalgic for his own village and decided to go back and see his friends.
When he arrived, he bumped into the young man who, some months before, had paid him a fortune for his secrets.
‘So,’ the old hunter said, ‘how was the hunting season?’
‘I didn’t catch a single fox.’
The old man was surprised and confused.
‘Didn’t you follow my advice?’
With eyes downcast, the young man replied,
‘Well, to be honest, no, I didn’t, I thought your methods were out of date and I ended up discovering for myself a better way of hunting foxes.’
The wise man
She Asks The Boy His Father’s Occupation
24.
Sam goes to the doctor for his yearly checkup.
“Everything is fine”, said the doctor, “You’re doing OK for your age.”
“For my age?” questioned Sam, “I’m only 75, do you think I’ll make it to 80? “Well” said the doctor, “do you drink or smoke?”
“No” Sam replied.
“Do you eat fatty meat or sweets?”
“No” said Sam “I am very careful about what I eat.”
“How about your activities? Do you engage in thrilling behaviors like speeding or skiing? “No” said Sam taken aback, “I would never engage in dangerous activities.”
“Well,” said the doctor, “then why in the world would you want to live to be 80?”
A doctor remarked on his patients
A terrible motorcycle accident
Sam goes to the doctor for his yearly checkup.
“Everything is fine”, said the doctor, “You’re doing OK for your age.”
“For my age?” questioned Sam, “I’m only 75, do you think I’ll make it to 80? “Well” said the doctor, “do you drink or smoke?”
“No” Sam replied.
“Do you eat fatty meat or sweets?”
“No” said Sam “I am very careful about what I eat.”
“How about your activities? Do you engage in thrilling behaviors like speeding or skiing? “No” said Sam taken aback, “I would never engage in dangerous activities.”
“Well,” said the doctor, “then why in the world would you want to live to be 80?”
A doctor remarked on his patients
A terrible motorcycle accident
25.
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.
From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something.
The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule he tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field.
He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd.
When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: “Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.”
“And what about the men?” the minister asked.
“They all wanted to know if the mule was for sale.”
A guard dog
The Argentinean golfer Robert
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.
From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something.
The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule he tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field.
He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd.
When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: “Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.”
“And what about the men?” the minister asked.
“They all wanted to know if the mule was for sale.”
A guard dog
The Argentinean golfer Robert
26.
A young couple moves into a new neighborhood.
The next morning while they are eating breakfast.
The young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside…
“That laundry is not very clean”, she said.
“She doesn’t know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.”
Her husband looked on but remained silent.
Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry,
The young woman would make the same comments.
About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband:
“Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this.”
The husband said, “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.”
And so it is with life. What we see when watching others depends on the purity of the window through which we look.
Wife questioned her husband about his new secretary
A elderly couple walk into a restaurant
A young couple moves into a new neighborhood.
The next morning while they are eating breakfast.
The young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside…
“That laundry is not very clean”, she said.
“She doesn’t know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.”
Her husband looked on but remained silent.
Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry,
The young woman would make the same comments.
About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband:
“Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this.”
The husband said, “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.”
And so it is with life. What we see when watching others depends on the purity of the window through which we look.
Wife questioned her husband about his new secretary
A elderly couple walk into a restaurant
27.
A young teen aged girl was a call girl and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma.
One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of call girl, including the young girl.
The call girl were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk.
Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma.
The young girl was frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, “What are you lining up for, dear?”
Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
“Mmm, sounds lovely,” said Grandma.
“I think I’ll have some myself,” she continued as she made her way to the back of the line.
A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the call girl.
When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered.
“But you’re so old… how do you do it?”
Grandma replied, “Oh, it’s quite easy, sonny… I just remove my dentures and taste it ’em dry!”
A man buys several sheep
A man and woman are sitting at a bar
A young teen aged girl was a call girl and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma.
One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of call girl, including the young girl.
The call girl were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk.
Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma.
The young girl was frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, “What are you lining up for, dear?”
Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
“Mmm, sounds lovely,” said Grandma.
“I think I’ll have some myself,” she continued as she made her way to the back of the line.
A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the call girl.
When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered.
“But you’re so old… how do you do it?”
Grandma replied, “Oh, it’s quite easy, sonny… I just remove my dentures and taste it ’em dry!”
A man buys several sheep
A man and woman are sitting at a bar
28.
Two old women were talking and exchanging notes on their make love activities.
The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she was able to get her husband excited at night by getting totally undressed, lying in bed, and putting her two legs behind her head yoga style.
The second old woman thought that was a great idea, so that night she got totally naked and began the long process of putting her two legs behind her head.
The first leg was kind of tough to put in place, as she was a bit arthritic, but she finally got it in place.
She was having an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.
However, she had rocked back so hard that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her bum sticking
straight up in the air.
Moments after this happened, her husband came out of the bathroom.
“Gladys!” he exclaimed,
“For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth back in! You look like an bastard!!”
A business man got on an elevator
A man goes into a restaurant
Two old women were talking and exchanging notes on their make love activities.
The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she was able to get her husband excited at night by getting totally undressed, lying in bed, and putting her two legs behind her head yoga style.
The second old woman thought that was a great idea, so that night she got totally naked and began the long process of putting her two legs behind her head.
The first leg was kind of tough to put in place, as she was a bit arthritic, but she finally got it in place.
She was having an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.
However, she had rocked back so hard that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her bum sticking
straight up in the air.
Moments after this happened, her husband came out of the bathroom.
“Gladys!” he exclaimed,
“For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth back in! You look like an bastard!!”
A business man got on an elevator
A man goes into a restaurant
29.
Frank came into work late one day and his boss was noticeably upset:
“You’ve been late almost every day this month! You’re fired unless you give me a good reason why!”
Frank thought for a moment then began to speak, “Sorry, boss. I always have late night plans. I know everyone worth knowing and it keeps me busy.”
The boss, not amused by Frank’s obvious lie, sighs and continues, “Okay, Frank. Tell you what, you convince me that you know everyone worth knowing, and I’ll give you one more chance.”
So, that day, during lunch, Frank and his boss drive to a large manor on the edge of town.
Frank knocks on the door and Kim opens it.
She hugs Frank and invites him and his boss in for a bite to eat.
Impressed, but still not convinced, Frank’s boss says, “That was definitely worth knowing, but it doesn’t prove you know EVERYONE worth knowing.”
Frank thinks for a moment again and starts driving north of town.
After a while, Frank and his boss arrive at another, much larger manor and he knocks on the door.
After a second, the door swings open and Samuel L. Jackson smiles at Frank and invites him in for a bite to eat.
After their second meal, Frank’s boss is more impressed but not entirely convinced.
Frank thinks and begins driving toward the airport.
Several hours later, Frank and his boss pull up to the Vatican in a cab and walk in.
Frank tells his boss that only a select few can go past a certain point so he’ll have to wait outside.
Time passes and Frank’s boss notices a crowd gathering in the plaza of the Vatican.
Once the crowd is large, Frank and the Pope walk out onto a raised platform.
From the platform, Frank can see a commotion forming around where he left his boss and rushes over.
Frank’s boss lies on the ground clutching his heart, and Frank asks, “What happened?”
The boss replies, “When you and the Pope walked out, the guy next to me asked ‘who’s that standing next to Frank?’”
A young pot head starts to smoke
Mrs. Smith asked her students
Frank came into work late one day and his boss was noticeably upset:
“You’ve been late almost every day this month! You’re fired unless you give me a good reason why!”
Frank thought for a moment then began to speak, “Sorry, boss. I always have late night plans. I know everyone worth knowing and it keeps me busy.”
The boss, not amused by Frank’s obvious lie, sighs and continues, “Okay, Frank. Tell you what, you convince me that you know everyone worth knowing, and I’ll give you one more chance.”
So, that day, during lunch, Frank and his boss drive to a large manor on the edge of town.
Frank knocks on the door and Kim opens it.
She hugs Frank and invites him and his boss in for a bite to eat.
Impressed, but still not convinced, Frank’s boss says, “That was definitely worth knowing, but it doesn’t prove you know EVERYONE worth knowing.”
Frank thinks for a moment again and starts driving north of town.
After a while, Frank and his boss arrive at another, much larger manor and he knocks on the door.
After a second, the door swings open and Samuel L. Jackson smiles at Frank and invites him in for a bite to eat.
After their second meal, Frank’s boss is more impressed but not entirely convinced.
Frank thinks and begins driving toward the airport.
Several hours later, Frank and his boss pull up to the Vatican in a cab and walk in.
Frank tells his boss that only a select few can go past a certain point so he’ll have to wait outside.
Time passes and Frank’s boss notices a crowd gathering in the plaza of the Vatican.
Once the crowd is large, Frank and the Pope walk out onto a raised platform.
From the platform, Frank can see a commotion forming around where he left his boss and rushes over.
Frank’s boss lies on the ground clutching his heart, and Frank asks, “What happened?”
The boss replies, “When you and the Pope walked out, the guy next to me asked ‘who’s that standing next to Frank?’”
A young pot head starts to smoke
Mrs. Smith asked her students
30.
The first-grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words,
She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable.
Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?
After some thought, Jane proudly replied with Monday.
Great Jane that has two syllables, Mon……day.
Does anyone know another word?
I do, I do, me me me replied Johnny.
Knowing Johnny’s more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead.
OK Mike, what is your word.
Saturday. says, Mike.
Great, that has three syllables.
Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says ” I know a four-syllable word, pick me…..”
Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says,
“O.K. Johnny, what is your four syllable word?”
Johnny proudly says, “self enjoyment.”
Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says,
“Wow, Johnny, four syllables, that certainly is a mouthful.”
No Mam, your thinking of self enjoyment, and that’s only two syllables.
She says to the children
A boy was standing in front of the polar
The first-grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words,
She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable.
Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?
After some thought, Jane proudly replied with Monday.
Great Jane that has two syllables, Mon……day.
Does anyone know another word?
I do, I do, me me me replied Johnny.
Knowing Johnny’s more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead.
OK Mike, what is your word.
Saturday. says, Mike.
Great, that has three syllables.
Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says ” I know a four-syllable word, pick me…..”
Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says,
“O.K. Johnny, what is your four syllable word?”
Johnny proudly says, “self enjoyment.”
Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says,
“Wow, Johnny, four syllables, that certainly is a mouthful.”
No Mam, your thinking of self enjoyment, and that’s only two syllables.
She says to the children
A boy was standing in front of the polar