1.
He is in charge of the copying of holy texts. He notices that all of the monks are copying copies of their sacred texts.
He goes to the head monk, “If there is an error in one of the copies, all of the subsequent copies will have the same error.”
The head monk replies, “We have been doing it this way for centuries, but I understand your concern.”
So he heads to the cellar to check all of the main copies against the original texts.
Hours later no-one has seen him and they begin to get worried.
They send a monk to the cellar to check on him.
He finds him sitting and weeping next to their main text.
He asks the head monk, “What’s wrong? What did you find?”
The head monk looks at him with pain in his eyes,
“It says celebrate!”
A Burglar Invades A House
A man stopped at a flower shop
He is in charge of the copying of holy texts. He notices that all of the monks are copying copies of their sacred texts.
He goes to the head monk, “If there is an error in one of the copies, all of the subsequent copies will have the same error.”
The head monk replies, “We have been doing it this way for centuries, but I understand your concern.”
So he heads to the cellar to check all of the main copies against the original texts.
Hours later no-one has seen him and they begin to get worried.
They send a monk to the cellar to check on him.
He finds him sitting and weeping next to their main text.
He asks the head monk, “What’s wrong? What did you find?”
The head monk looks at him with pain in his eyes,
“It says celebrate!”
A Burglar Invades A House
A man stopped at a flower shop
2.
Little Johnny went to the store with his grandmother.
On the way home, he looked through her bags to see what she had purchased.
In one package, Little Johnny found some corset and he began to sound out the words “Queen Size.”
He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed,
“Look Grandma, you wear the same size as our bed!”
A little boy first day in school
A man was talking to a group
Little Johnny went to the store with his grandmother.
On the way home, he looked through her bags to see what she had purchased.
In one package, Little Johnny found some corset and he began to sound out the words “Queen Size.”
He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed,
“Look Grandma, you wear the same size as our bed!”
A little boy first day in school
A man was talking to a group
3.
An employee approached his boss regarding a dispute on his pay-check.
Employee – Sir, this is $100 less than my salary.
Boss – I know. But last month, when you were overpaid $100, by mistake, you didn’t complain!
Employee – Well, I don’t mind an occasional mistake, sir, but it seems to be becoming a habit, now!
First check up with his new Doctor
Jim grabbed his suitcase
An employee approached his boss regarding a dispute on his pay-check.
Employee – Sir, this is $100 less than my salary.
Boss – I know. But last month, when you were overpaid $100, by mistake, you didn’t complain!
Employee – Well, I don’t mind an occasional mistake, sir, but it seems to be becoming a habit, now!
First check up with his new Doctor
Jim grabbed his suitcase
4.
A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day.
During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife wanted to travel around the world.
The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband’s turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, “Well, I’d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.”
The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He was ninety.
A man went into a bar in a high rise
A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass
A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day.
During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife wanted to travel around the world.
The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband’s turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, “Well, I’d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.”
The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He was ninety.
A man went into a bar in a high rise
A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass
5.
Mrs Santa was in bed with the flu.
The elves were playing up and had gone on strike for more pay.
The replacement elves were much slower and were behind with the toy making.
Two of the reindeer were pregnant, two more were lame, another two had kicked down the fence and had disappeared into the forest.
And to top it all, Rudolph’s nose had turned black!
Then Santa discovered that one of the runners on his sleigh had come off and the bells were missing.
What I need, thought Santa, is a good strong cup of coffee.
But when he opened the cupboard, the jar fell out and the coffee split all over the floor!
By now Santa was thoroughly fed up.
He went to fetch the broom to sweep up the mess, but found that the mice had chewed off all the bristles!
At that moment there was a knock on the front door.
Upon opening it, Santa was confronted by a beautiful Fairy holding a lovely Christmas tree.
“Good morning, Santa”, she trilled, “Isn’t it a perfectly gorgeous day? I have brought you this beautiful tree, isn’t it lovely? Where would you like me to stick it?”
Two young guys appear in court
A frog in a trap
Mrs Santa was in bed with the flu.
The elves were playing up and had gone on strike for more pay.
The replacement elves were much slower and were behind with the toy making.
Two of the reindeer were pregnant, two more were lame, another two had kicked down the fence and had disappeared into the forest.
And to top it all, Rudolph’s nose had turned black!
Then Santa discovered that one of the runners on his sleigh had come off and the bells were missing.
What I need, thought Santa, is a good strong cup of coffee.
But when he opened the cupboard, the jar fell out and the coffee split all over the floor!
By now Santa was thoroughly fed up.
He went to fetch the broom to sweep up the mess, but found that the mice had chewed off all the bristles!
At that moment there was a knock on the front door.
Upon opening it, Santa was confronted by a beautiful Fairy holding a lovely Christmas tree.
“Good morning, Santa”, she trilled, “Isn’t it a perfectly gorgeous day? I have brought you this beautiful tree, isn’t it lovely? Where would you like me to stick it?”
Two young guys appear in court
A frog in a trap
6.
If you let me touch your wife’s bum and smack it, i will pay you $100,000 says a guy to his best friend.
His friend gets furious and asks him to mind what he is saying.
Later in the evening the best friend tells this incident to his wife, and she got more angry at him to deny such an offer.
She says, “you can stand right there with us, he is not gonna make love me.
I mean $100,000 for touching and smacking my bum is worth it, we can buy hell lot of stuff”.
The husband agrees and calls his friend over the next day to touch and smack his wife’s bum.
Everyone is in the room now, the wife comes over, removes her skirt and his friend starts touching and feeling his wife’s bum.
Two minutes passed and he is still touching and feeling it.
The husband got angry and screamed, “yo idiot, smack the bum now, enough”
The friend replied, “how can I smack dude, I don’t have $100,000.
Grandpa what is couple
A woman meets a man in a bar
If you let me touch your wife’s bum and smack it, i will pay you $100,000 says a guy to his best friend.
His friend gets furious and asks him to mind what he is saying.
Later in the evening the best friend tells this incident to his wife, and she got more angry at him to deny such an offer.
She says, “you can stand right there with us, he is not gonna make love me.
I mean $100,000 for touching and smacking my bum is worth it, we can buy hell lot of stuff”.
The husband agrees and calls his friend over the next day to touch and smack his wife’s bum.
Everyone is in the room now, the wife comes over, removes her skirt and his friend starts touching and feeling his wife’s bum.
Two minutes passed and he is still touching and feeling it.
The husband got angry and screamed, “yo idiot, smack the bum now, enough”
The friend replied, “how can I smack dude, I don’t have $100,000.
Grandpa what is couple
A woman meets a man in a bar
7.
Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.
He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it’s a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-down.
So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan.
He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen.
But he won’t say what it is, so he asks Fr.Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.
He leads Fr.Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.
“Well,” says the priest, “it’s pretty obvious.
Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top.”
“No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!” exclaimed Murphy “Oh my Lord,” says Farther Flanagan, “dropped toast never falls with the butter side up.
It’s a mir….Wait… it’s not for me to say it’s a miracle.
I’ll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he’ll have to deal with it.
He’ll send some people round; to interview you, take photos and a statement etc.”
A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome Italy.
No expense is spared.
There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much need tourism revenue.
Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.
“It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy’s kitchen, (quite outside the natural laws of the universe).
Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling it a miracle.
All other explanations must be ruled out.
Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared ‘No Miracle’ because they think that murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!”
A very large gorilla
Two men were marooned on an Island
Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.
He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it’s a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-down.
So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan.
He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen.
But he won’t say what it is, so he asks Fr.Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.
He leads Fr.Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.
“Well,” says the priest, “it’s pretty obvious.
Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top.”
“No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!” exclaimed Murphy “Oh my Lord,” says Farther Flanagan, “dropped toast never falls with the butter side up.
It’s a mir….Wait… it’s not for me to say it’s a miracle.
I’ll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he’ll have to deal with it.
He’ll send some people round; to interview you, take photos and a statement etc.”
A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome Italy.
No expense is spared.
There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much need tourism revenue.
Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.
“It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy’s kitchen, (quite outside the natural laws of the universe).
Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling it a miracle.
All other explanations must be ruled out.
Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared ‘No Miracle’ because they think that murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!”
A very large gorilla
Two men were marooned on an Island
8.
Jean was out walking with his grandfather in Paris.
At one point, they saw a shoemaker being insulted by a customer who claimed that there was something wrong with his shoes.
The shoemaker calmly listened to his complaints, apologized and promised to make good the mistake.
Jean and his grandfather stopped to have a coffee.
At the next table, the waiter asked a man if he would mind moving his chair slightly so that he could get by.
The man erupted in a torrent of abuse and refused to move.
‘Never forget what you have seen,’ said Jean’s grandfather.
‘The shoemaker accepted the customer’s complaint, while this man next to us did not want to move.
‘People who perform some useful task are not bothered if they hear some critics to their work, but people who do no useful work at all always think themselves very important and hide their incompetence behind their authority.’
There lived a peasant with his son
The newlyweds returned from their honeymoon
Jean was out walking with his grandfather in Paris.
At one point, they saw a shoemaker being insulted by a customer who claimed that there was something wrong with his shoes.
The shoemaker calmly listened to his complaints, apologized and promised to make good the mistake.
Jean and his grandfather stopped to have a coffee.
At the next table, the waiter asked a man if he would mind moving his chair slightly so that he could get by.
The man erupted in a torrent of abuse and refused to move.
‘Never forget what you have seen,’ said Jean’s grandfather.
‘The shoemaker accepted the customer’s complaint, while this man next to us did not want to move.
‘People who perform some useful task are not bothered if they hear some critics to their work, but people who do no useful work at all always think themselves very important and hide their incompetence behind their authority.’
There lived a peasant with his son
The newlyweds returned from their honeymoon
9.
A little boy comes down for breakfast and his mother asks if he had done his chores.
“Not yet,” says the little boy.
His mother tells him that until he completes them, he won’t be getting any breakfast.
Well, he’s a little angry, so he goes to feed the chickens and kicks one.
He goes to feed the cows, and kicks a cow as well.
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
“How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.
“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren’t getting any milk.”
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, “Are you going to tell him, or shall I?”
A old man and his wife lived deep hills
A couple was dining out
A little boy comes down for breakfast and his mother asks if he had done his chores.
“Not yet,” says the little boy.
His mother tells him that until he completes them, he won’t be getting any breakfast.
Well, he’s a little angry, so he goes to feed the chickens and kicks one.
He goes to feed the cows, and kicks a cow as well.
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
“How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.
“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren’t getting any milk.”
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, “Are you going to tell him, or shall I?”
A old man and his wife lived deep hills
A couple was dining out
10.
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing.
The policeman asked for a description.
She said, “He’s 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children.”
The next-door neighbor immediately saw a problem with this, and began to protest:
“Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children.”
The wife replied, “Yes, but who wants HIM back?”
At the first house the owner said
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing.
The policeman asked for a description.
She said, “He’s 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children.”
The next-door neighbor immediately saw a problem with this, and began to protest:
“Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children.”
The wife replied, “Yes, but who wants HIM back?”
At the first house the owner said
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday
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11.
The teacher asks her class
“What is love?”
Little Johnny stands up says ,
“love is the temptation caused by the sensation when a boy sticks his location into a girl’s destination.
Did you get my explanation or do you need a demonstration?”
And the teacher fainted.
A guy meet his friends for drink
Elder brother and his girlfriend
The teacher asks her class
“What is love?”
Little Johnny stands up says ,
“love is the temptation caused by the sensation when a boy sticks his location into a girl’s destination.
Did you get my explanation or do you need a demonstration?”
And the teacher fainted.
A guy meet his friends for drink
Elder brother and his girlfriend
12.
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam.
Finally, the doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was front-fed or bottle-fed.
“front-fed,” she replied.
“Well! We’ll have to check you out. Alright then, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered.
She undressed and the doctor began his exam.
He pinched her melons, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both melons for a while in a detailed examination.
He frowned, then continued squeezing and pressing for a few more minutes.
Motioning to her to get dressed, he said,
“No wonder this baby is underweight you don’t have any milk!”
“I know,” she said. “I’m his Grandma, but I’m certainly glad I came.”
One day her husband comes home early
A old man and woman were married for years
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam.
Finally, the doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was front-fed or bottle-fed.
“front-fed,” she replied.
“Well! We’ll have to check you out. Alright then, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered.
She undressed and the doctor began his exam.
He pinched her melons, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both melons for a while in a detailed examination.
He frowned, then continued squeezing and pressing for a few more minutes.
Motioning to her to get dressed, he said,
“No wonder this baby is underweight you don’t have any milk!”
“I know,” she said. “I’m his Grandma, but I’m certainly glad I came.”
One day her husband comes home early
A old man and woman were married for years
13.
An elderly wealthy man walks into a bank New York City and asks for the loan officer.
He says he’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the elderly man hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, which costs quarter of a million dollars.
“The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,” says the man, “and I have all the necessary papers.”
The bank officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
After the old man leaves, the loan officer, the bank’s president and all their colleagues enjoy a good laugh at the man for using a $250,000 Rolls Royce as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
One of the employees drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the elderly wealthy man man returns, repays the $5000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, “Sir, I must tell you, we’re all a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and discovered that you’re a multimillionaire. Why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”
The old man replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41?”
A accountant is in a car travelling
Two guys were playing golf
An elderly wealthy man walks into a bank New York City and asks for the loan officer.
He says he’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the elderly man hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, which costs quarter of a million dollars.
“The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,” says the man, “and I have all the necessary papers.”
The bank officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
After the old man leaves, the loan officer, the bank’s president and all their colleagues enjoy a good laugh at the man for using a $250,000 Rolls Royce as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
One of the employees drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the elderly wealthy man man returns, repays the $5000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, “Sir, I must tell you, we’re all a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and discovered that you’re a multimillionaire. Why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”
The old man replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41?”
A accountant is in a car travelling
Two guys were playing golf
14.
John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital.
One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom and stayed there.
David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling John out.
The medical director came to know of David’s heroic act.
He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK.
The doctor said, “David, we have good news and bad news for you! The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your sanity.
Since you were able to jump in and save another patient, you must be mentally stable.
The bad news is that the patient that you saved hung himself in the bathroom and died after all.”
David replied, “Doctor, John didn’t hang himself. I hung him there to dry.”
The nurse asks him
A husband and wife were grocery shopping
John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital.
One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom and stayed there.
David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling John out.
The medical director came to know of David’s heroic act.
He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK.
The doctor said, “David, we have good news and bad news for you! The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your sanity.
Since you were able to jump in and save another patient, you must be mentally stable.
The bad news is that the patient that you saved hung himself in the bathroom and died after all.”
David replied, “Doctor, John didn’t hang himself. I hung him there to dry.”
The nurse asks him
A husband and wife were grocery shopping
15.
A man was annoyed when his wife told him that a car had backed into hers, damaging the front bumper, and that she hadn’t made a note of the licence plate number.
“What kind of car was he driving?” asked the husband.
“I don’t know,” she said.
“I can never tell one make of car from another.”
Hearing this, the husband decided it was time for her to learn and for the next few days, whenever they were out on the road, he made her name each car they passed until he was satisfied that she could identify every make.
It worked. A week later, she bounded in with a big grin on her face. “Darling,” she said. “I hit a Pontiac G8!”
The truck driver stopped
A Texan visitor to England asked
A man was annoyed when his wife told him that a car had backed into hers, damaging the front bumper, and that she hadn’t made a note of the licence plate number.
“What kind of car was he driving?” asked the husband.
“I don’t know,” she said.
“I can never tell one make of car from another.”
Hearing this, the husband decided it was time for her to learn and for the next few days, whenever they were out on the road, he made her name each car they passed until he was satisfied that she could identify every make.
It worked. A week later, she bounded in with a big grin on her face. “Darling,” she said. “I hit a Pontiac G8!”
The truck driver stopped
A Texan visitor to England asked
16.
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins.
He pulls the guy over and says:
“You can’t drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately.”
The guy says OK, and drives away.
The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they’re all wearing sun glasses.
He pulls the guy over and demands:
“I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?”
The guy replies: “I did today I’m taking them to the beach!”
A rabbit and a bear were walking in the forest
A man walks into a bar and leans over
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins.
He pulls the guy over and says:
“You can’t drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately.”
The guy says OK, and drives away.
The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they’re all wearing sun glasses.
He pulls the guy over and demands:
“I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?”
The guy replies: “I did today I’m taking them to the beach!”
A rabbit and a bear were walking in the forest
A man walks into a bar and leans over
17.
So a man dies, goes to Heaven, and sees St. Peter.
There are many clocks surrounding him so the man asks,
“What are these clocks for?”
St. Peter replies, “These are lie clocks, they tick once for every lie you tell.
Here we have Mother Teresa’s clock.
She has never lied so the clock has not moved.
Honest Abe has only lied twice in his life, so it has only ticked twice.”
The man then asks, “So where is George Bush’s clock?”
St. Peter replies, “Oh, that is in Jesus’ office, he is using it as a ceiling fan!”
Mother superior tells two new nuns
Guy calls in to his Boss
So a man dies, goes to Heaven, and sees St. Peter.
There are many clocks surrounding him so the man asks,
“What are these clocks for?”
St. Peter replies, “These are lie clocks, they tick once for every lie you tell.
Here we have Mother Teresa’s clock.
She has never lied so the clock has not moved.
Honest Abe has only lied twice in his life, so it has only ticked twice.”
The man then asks, “So where is George Bush’s clock?”
St. Peter replies, “Oh, that is in Jesus’ office, he is using it as a ceiling fan!”
Mother superior tells two new nuns
Guy calls in to his Boss
18.
A woman joins a country club and one day hears the guys talking about their golf round.
She says, “I played on my college’s golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?”
No one wants to say ‘yes’, but they’re on the spot.
Finally, one man says, “Okay, but we start at 6:30 am.”
He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.
The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.
They roll their eyes, but say, “Okay.”
She’s there at 6:30 am sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.
She’s fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed.
They congratulate her and invite her back the next week.
She smiles, and says, “I’ll be there at 6:30, or 6:45.”
The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp.
Only this time, she plays left-handed.
The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.
They’re totally amazed. They can’t figure her out. She’s very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.
The third week, she’s 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them.
The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part.
However, she’s so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can’t hold a grudge. This woman is a riddle no one can figure out.
After the game they decide to have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse.
Finally, one of the men asks her, “How do you decide if you’re going to golf right-handed or left-handed?” The lady blushes, and grins.
“Well I’m ambidextrous,” she replies.
“I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willy points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed.”
The guys think this is hysterical and burst into laughter.
Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the them asks, “What if it’s pointing straight up?”
“Then I’m fifteen minutes late.”
A man well into his seventies asks his wife
A octopus walks into a bar
A woman joins a country club and one day hears the guys talking about their golf round.
She says, “I played on my college’s golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?”
No one wants to say ‘yes’, but they’re on the spot.
Finally, one man says, “Okay, but we start at 6:30 am.”
He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.
The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.
They roll their eyes, but say, “Okay.”
She’s there at 6:30 am sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.
She’s fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed.
They congratulate her and invite her back the next week.
She smiles, and says, “I’ll be there at 6:30, or 6:45.”
The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp.
Only this time, she plays left-handed.
The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.
They’re totally amazed. They can’t figure her out. She’s very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.
The third week, she’s 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them.
The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part.
However, she’s so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can’t hold a grudge. This woman is a riddle no one can figure out.
After the game they decide to have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse.
Finally, one of the men asks her, “How do you decide if you’re going to golf right-handed or left-handed?” The lady blushes, and grins.
“Well I’m ambidextrous,” she replies.
“I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willy points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed.”
The guys think this is hysterical and burst into laughter.
Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the them asks, “What if it’s pointing straight up?”
“Then I’m fifteen minutes late.”
A man well into his seventies asks his wife
A octopus walks into a bar
19.
A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet.
“My cat is very fat,” she says.
“Alright,” says the vet.
“I will look at him.”
The vet picks up the cat and examines its teeth.
Then she looks at its eyes.
Then into its ears.
Finally, she turns to the girl and says,
“I’m very sorry. I’m going to have to put your cat down.”
“Oh no! Because he’s so fat?”
“Yes,” says the doctor.
“My arms are very tired.”
A little old lady went to see the doctor
The driver is a little old lady
A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet.
“My cat is very fat,” she says.
“Alright,” says the vet.
“I will look at him.”
The vet picks up the cat and examines its teeth.
Then she looks at its eyes.
Then into its ears.
Finally, she turns to the girl and says,
“I’m very sorry. I’m going to have to put your cat down.”
“Oh no! Because he’s so fat?”
“Yes,” says the doctor.
“My arms are very tired.”
A little old lady went to see the doctor
The driver is a little old lady
20.
Little Johnny and Billy were engaging in the time-honored tradition of a verbal battle like little boys all over the world.
“My Father is better than your Father!” Billy declared.
“No, he’s not!” Johnny responded.
“My brother is better than you brother!” Billy said.
“He is not! He is not!” Yelled Little Johnny.
“My Mother is better than your Mother!” Billy continued.
A long pause ensued, then Little Johnny said, “Well, I guess ya got me there. I’ve heard my Father say the same thing more than once.”
They decided to go for a swim
Peter comes very drunk home
Little Johnny and Billy were engaging in the time-honored tradition of a verbal battle like little boys all over the world.
“My Father is better than your Father!” Billy declared.
“No, he’s not!” Johnny responded.
“My brother is better than you brother!” Billy said.
“He is not! He is not!” Yelled Little Johnny.
“My Mother is better than your Mother!” Billy continued.
A long pause ensued, then Little Johnny said, “Well, I guess ya got me there. I’ve heard my Father say the same thing more than once.”
They decided to go for a swim
Peter comes very drunk home
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21.
An atheist was walking through the woods admiring the nature around him.
“What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals,” he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look, and suddenly saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him!
He ran up the path as fast as he could.
He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was gaining on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, and now the bear was even closer.
In his haste, the man tripped on a root and fell to the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the atheist cried out, “Oh my God!”
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
“You deny my existence for all these years, teach others that I don’t exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.
Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?
Am I to count you as a believer?”
The atheist looked directly into the light and said, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?”
“Very well,” said the voice.
The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed and the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke, Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.”
Salesman From La Tries To Trick Texas Lady
The boss calls his secretary
An atheist was walking through the woods admiring the nature around him.
“What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals,” he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look, and suddenly saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him!
He ran up the path as fast as he could.
He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was gaining on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, and now the bear was even closer.
In his haste, the man tripped on a root and fell to the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the atheist cried out, “Oh my God!”
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
“You deny my existence for all these years, teach others that I don’t exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.
Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?
Am I to count you as a believer?”
The atheist looked directly into the light and said, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?”
“Very well,” said the voice.
The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed and the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke, Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.”
Salesman From La Tries To Trick Texas Lady
The boss calls his secretary
22.
Many years ago in a poor Chinese village, there lived a peasant with his son
His only material possession, apart from some land and a small straw hut, was a horse he had inherited from his father.
One day, the horse ran off, leaving the man with no animal with which to till the land.
His neighbors – who respected him greatly for his honesty and diligence – came to his house to say how much they regretted what had happened
He thanked them for their visit, but asked:
– How can you know that what has happened has been a misfortune in my life?
Someone mumbled to a friend: “he can’t accept reality, let him think what he wants, as long as he isn’t saddened by what happened.”
And the neighbors went off, pretending to agree with what they had heard.
A week later, the horse returned to the stable, but it was not alone; it brought with it a fine mare for company.
Upon hearing this, the villagers – who were flustered since they now understood the answer the man had given them – returned to the peasant’s house, in order to congratulate him on his good fortune.
– Before you had only one horse, and now you have two
Congratulations! – they said.
– Many thanks for your visit and for all your concern – answered the peasant
– But how can you know that what has happened has been a blessing in my life?
Disconcerted, and thinking he must be going mad, the neighbors went off, and on the way commented: “does he really not understand that God has sent him a gift?”
A month later, the peasant’s son decided to tame the mare
But the animal unexpectedly reared up and the boy fell and broke his leg.
The neighbors returned to the peasant’s house – bringing gifts for the wounded boy
The mayor of the village offered his condolences to the father, saying that all were very sad at what had happened.
Mummy is embarrassed by her sons
Jean was out walking with grandfather
Many years ago in a poor Chinese village, there lived a peasant with his son
His only material possession, apart from some land and a small straw hut, was a horse he had inherited from his father.
One day, the horse ran off, leaving the man with no animal with which to till the land.
His neighbors – who respected him greatly for his honesty and diligence – came to his house to say how much they regretted what had happened
He thanked them for their visit, but asked:
– How can you know that what has happened has been a misfortune in my life?
Someone mumbled to a friend: “he can’t accept reality, let him think what he wants, as long as he isn’t saddened by what happened.”
And the neighbors went off, pretending to agree with what they had heard.
A week later, the horse returned to the stable, but it was not alone; it brought with it a fine mare for company.
Upon hearing this, the villagers – who were flustered since they now understood the answer the man had given them – returned to the peasant’s house, in order to congratulate him on his good fortune.
– Before you had only one horse, and now you have two
Congratulations! – they said.
– Many thanks for your visit and for all your concern – answered the peasant
– But how can you know that what has happened has been a blessing in my life?
Disconcerted, and thinking he must be going mad, the neighbors went off, and on the way commented: “does he really not understand that God has sent him a gift?”
A month later, the peasant’s son decided to tame the mare
But the animal unexpectedly reared up and the boy fell and broke his leg.
The neighbors returned to the peasant’s house – bringing gifts for the wounded boy
The mayor of the village offered his condolences to the father, saying that all were very sad at what had happened.
Mummy is embarrassed by her sons
Jean was out walking with grandfather
23.
An older woman gets pulled over for speeding…
Older Woman: Is there a problem, officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license, please?
Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?
Older Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up.
Within minutes five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle, please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk
.Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you, ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too
I just made this one up
An estranged father take his teenage daughter
An older woman gets pulled over for speeding…
Older Woman: Is there a problem, officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license, please?
Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?
Older Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up.
Within minutes five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle, please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk
.Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you, ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too
I just made this one up
An estranged father take his teenage daughter
24.
A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde.
Her friend tells her “Go do something to prove them wrong! Why don’t you learn all the state capitals or something?”
The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying.
The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her.
She gets all indignant and claims, “I’m not a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name all the state capitals!”
The guy doesn’t believe her, so she dares him to test her.
He says “Okay, what’s the Capital of Montana?”
The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, “That’s easy! It’s M!”
A guy comes home from the bar drunk
Two man are in a bar getting drunk
A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde.
Her friend tells her “Go do something to prove them wrong! Why don’t you learn all the state capitals or something?”
The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying.
The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her.
She gets all indignant and claims, “I’m not a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name all the state capitals!”
The guy doesn’t believe her, so she dares him to test her.
He says “Okay, what’s the Capital of Montana?”
The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, “That’s easy! It’s M!”
A guy comes home from the bar drunk
Two man are in a bar getting drunk
25.
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?”
“My mother died in August,” his friend replied, “and left me $25,000. Then in September my father died, leaving me $90,000.”
“Losing both parents in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.”
“And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.” His friend continued.
“Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.”
“Then this month,” concluded, the friend, “absolutely nothing!”
A man goes to a bar with his dog
The groom approaches the pastor
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?”
“My mother died in August,” his friend replied, “and left me $25,000. Then in September my father died, leaving me $90,000.”
“Losing both parents in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.”
“And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.” His friend continued.
“Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.”
“Then this month,” concluded, the friend, “absolutely nothing!”
A man goes to a bar with his dog
The groom approaches the pastor
26.
Three women die together in an accident And go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven: Don’t step on the ducks!”
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, There are ducks all over the place It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, And although they try their best to avoid them, The first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”
The next day, The second woman steps accidentally on a duck And along comes St. Peter, Who doesn’t miss a thing with him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, Not wanting to be chained For all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months Without stepping on any ducks,
But One day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”
The guy says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”
Two men both seriously ill
The pilot announced
Three women die together in an accident And go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven: Don’t step on the ducks!”
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, There are ducks all over the place It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, And although they try their best to avoid them, The first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”
The next day, The second woman steps accidentally on a duck And along comes St. Peter, Who doesn’t miss a thing with him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, Not wanting to be chained For all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months Without stepping on any ducks,
But One day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”
The guy says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”
Two men both seriously ill
The pilot announced
27.
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.
“Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray,” the priest said.
“No,” said the minister.
“I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.”
“You’re both wrong,” the guru said.
“The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor.”
The repairman could contain himself no longer.
“Hey, fellas,” he interrupted.
“The best praying’ I ever did was when I was hanging’ upside down from a telephone pole.”
Nasreddin Hodja, having need for container
The office manager called a local repair shop
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.
“Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray,” the priest said.
“No,” said the minister.
“I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.”
“You’re both wrong,” the guru said.
“The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor.”
The repairman could contain himself no longer.
“Hey, fellas,” he interrupted.
“The best praying’ I ever did was when I was hanging’ upside down from a telephone pole.”
Nasreddin Hodja, having need for container
The office manager called a local repair shop
28.
This young woman ran up to me at the cemetery and said “I need to pass through the cemetery but I’m scared to walk alone.
Can you walk with me across?” “Sure.”
I said, being the gentleman I am.
As we walked through, she told me that she had tried to ask other guys before me, but no one would do it.
What has come of this world, when a man won’t give a hand to lovely lady to walk her through a dark place.
“Thank God you’re not like that.”
She smiled at me. “I suppose it’s silly, being afraid of cemeteries at my age.”
I said “Oh yeah of course.
Don’t worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive.
A woman has to go to Italy
Blowing Bubbles
This young woman ran up to me at the cemetery and said “I need to pass through the cemetery but I’m scared to walk alone.
Can you walk with me across?” “Sure.”
I said, being the gentleman I am.
As we walked through, she told me that she had tried to ask other guys before me, but no one would do it.
What has come of this world, when a man won’t give a hand to lovely lady to walk her through a dark place.
“Thank God you’re not like that.”
She smiled at me. “I suppose it’s silly, being afraid of cemeteries at my age.”
I said “Oh yeah of course.
Don’t worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive.
A woman has to go to Italy
Blowing Bubbles
29.
On his way to the protest site he sees one guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gesturing him to stop.
Our guy rolls down the window and asks, “How can I help you?”
“I am the red bast..
of the asphalt, you got something to eat?”
With a smile on his face he hands one of his sandwiches to the red dressed guy and drives away
Not even five minutes later he comes across another guy.
This time the guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving him to stop.
A bit irritated our guy stops, cranks down the window and asks, “What can I do for you?”
“I am the yellow bast of the asphalt, you got something to drink?”
Hardly managing to smile this time he hands to the guy a can of soda and then stomps on the pedal and takes off again.
In order to make it to the protest site before sunset he decides to go faster and not to stop no matter what.
To his frustration he sees another guy on the side of the road, dressed all in blue, making a hand signal to stop him.
Not quite willing our guy decides to stop a last time.
He rolls his window down and yells to the guy, “I know, you’re the blue bast of the asphalt but just what the heck do you want?”
A gnat annoyed with a lion for disturbing
A Polish man had married a Canadian girl
On his way to the protest site he sees one guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gesturing him to stop.
Our guy rolls down the window and asks, “How can I help you?”
“I am the red bast..
of the asphalt, you got something to eat?”
With a smile on his face he hands one of his sandwiches to the red dressed guy and drives away
Not even five minutes later he comes across another guy.
This time the guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving him to stop.
A bit irritated our guy stops, cranks down the window and asks, “What can I do for you?”
“I am the yellow bast of the asphalt, you got something to drink?”
Hardly managing to smile this time he hands to the guy a can of soda and then stomps on the pedal and takes off again.
In order to make it to the protest site before sunset he decides to go faster and not to stop no matter what.
To his frustration he sees another guy on the side of the road, dressed all in blue, making a hand signal to stop him.
Not quite willing our guy decides to stop a last time.
He rolls his window down and yells to the guy, “I know, you’re the blue bast of the asphalt but just what the heck do you want?”
A gnat annoyed with a lion for disturbing
A Polish man had married a Canadian girl
30.
Bob goes to see his friend Pete.
He finds Pete in his barn dancing undressed around his John Deere.
“What are you doing!” asks Bob.
Pete stops dancing & says,
“My wife has been ignoring me lately so I talked to my psychiatrist and he said I needed to do some thing nice to a tractor.”
A woman awakes during the night
Brian proposed to Jill
Bob goes to see his friend Pete.
He finds Pete in his barn dancing undressed around his John Deere.
“What are you doing!” asks Bob.
Pete stops dancing & says,
“My wife has been ignoring me lately so I talked to my psychiatrist and he said I needed to do some thing nice to a tractor.”
A woman awakes during the night
Brian proposed to Jill
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