1.
At one point during the game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
“Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?”
The little boy nodded yes.
“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head do you understand all that?”
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, “And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach ‘a dumb bastard’, is it?”
Again the little boy nodded.
“Good,” said the coach.
“Now go over there and explain all that to your mother.”
A 97 year old midwife at the Pearly Gates
As he walked up to old lady’s car
At one point during the game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
“Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?”
The little boy nodded yes.
“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head do you understand all that?”
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, “And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach ‘a dumb bastard’, is it?”
Again the little boy nodded.
“Good,” said the coach.
“Now go over there and explain all that to your mother.”
A 97 year old midwife at the Pearly Gates
As he walked up to old lady’s car
2.
A woman went to police station to file a report for her missing husband:
Woman: I lost my husband
Inspector: What is his height
Woman: I never noticed
Inspector: Slim or healthy
Woman Not slim can be healthy
Inspector: Color of eyes
Woman: Never noticed
Inspector: Color of hair
Woman: Should be black
Inspector: What was he wearing
Woman: I don’t remember exactly
Inspector: Was somebody with him ?????????
Woman: Yes my Labrador dog Romeo, tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog together.
The woman started crying.
Inspector: Let’s search for the dog first!
The doctor examined the man
A woman returned home to her husband
A woman went to police station to file a report for her missing husband:
Woman: I lost my husband
Inspector: What is his height
Woman: I never noticed
Inspector: Slim or healthy
Woman Not slim can be healthy
Inspector: Color of eyes
Woman: Never noticed
Inspector: Color of hair
Woman: Should be black
Inspector: What was he wearing
Woman: I don’t remember exactly
Inspector: Was somebody with him ?????????
Woman: Yes my Labrador dog Romeo, tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog together.
The woman started crying.
Inspector: Let’s search for the dog first!
The doctor examined the man
A woman returned home to her husband
3.
The devil pulls up his file on his computer and sighs, “You’ve been a naughty boy haven’t you? Extortion, gambling with call girl and even murder!”
The lawyer hangs his head in shame and the devil pats him lightly on the shoulder.
“I’m a fair guy, what I’m going to do is let you pick your own punishment.”
The devil leads him through the fields of tortured souls into his manor and down a long darkened hallway.
Before them was three large oak doors.
“Now!” Said the devil “You get to look at each torture behind the doors and decide which one you want to do, but be warned… whatever you pick you will have to endure for the next 100 years!”
The lawyer nods solemnly and walks towards the 1st door, pushing it open he sees a man being whipped by a horrendous demon over and over again.
Shuddering he slams the door shut and walks to the second door, behind that one is a man being hung over and over again, with each snap of the neck or strangulation he is restored and forced to endure the act again and again.
The lawyer retches and walks to the third door.
Swinging it open he sees a gorgeous blonde slim and stunning kissing a disheveled and dirty man deeply, it is passionate and intense, hands are everywhere and just watching causes the lawyer to grin lewdly.
Rubbing his hands together he turns to the devil and says, “I want door number three!”
The devil grins wickedly, “Okay!”
Walking to the door the devil swings it open and leans in shouting: “Alright Blondie! Times up!”
A Raven & A Swan
Big People Words
The devil pulls up his file on his computer and sighs, “You’ve been a naughty boy haven’t you? Extortion, gambling with call girl and even murder!”
The lawyer hangs his head in shame and the devil pats him lightly on the shoulder.
“I’m a fair guy, what I’m going to do is let you pick your own punishment.”
The devil leads him through the fields of tortured souls into his manor and down a long darkened hallway.
Before them was three large oak doors.
“Now!” Said the devil “You get to look at each torture behind the doors and decide which one you want to do, but be warned… whatever you pick you will have to endure for the next 100 years!”
The lawyer nods solemnly and walks towards the 1st door, pushing it open he sees a man being whipped by a horrendous demon over and over again.
Shuddering he slams the door shut and walks to the second door, behind that one is a man being hung over and over again, with each snap of the neck or strangulation he is restored and forced to endure the act again and again.
The lawyer retches and walks to the third door.
Swinging it open he sees a gorgeous blonde slim and stunning kissing a disheveled and dirty man deeply, it is passionate and intense, hands are everywhere and just watching causes the lawyer to grin lewdly.
Rubbing his hands together he turns to the devil and says, “I want door number three!”
The devil grins wickedly, “Okay!”
Walking to the door the devil swings it open and leans in shouting: “Alright Blondie! Times up!”
A Raven & A Swan
Big People Words
4.
Two turtles walk into a bar.
As soon as they enter inside, it starts to rain.
The big turtle turns to the smaller one and says Go home and get the umbrella.
Small Turtle I will, if you promise not to touch my soda.
Two hours pass…….
Big Turtle Well. I guess he’s not coming back. May as well drink his soda.
As he’s about to reach for it, a voice from outside the bar says
If you touch the soda, I won’t go home and get the umbrella.
Three babies are in their mother
On their 50th wedding anniversary
Two turtles walk into a bar.
As soon as they enter inside, it starts to rain.
The big turtle turns to the smaller one and says Go home and get the umbrella.
Small Turtle I will, if you promise not to touch my soda.
Two hours pass…….
Big Turtle Well. I guess he’s not coming back. May as well drink his soda.
As he’s about to reach for it, a voice from outside the bar says
If you touch the soda, I won’t go home and get the umbrella.
Three babies are in their mother
On their 50th wedding anniversary
5.
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop right away they go over to the bird section.
Gerry says to Paddy, “That’s them”.
The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them.
“Yeah, we’ll take four of the birds in that cage up there,” says Gerry.
“Put them in a paper bag.”
The clerk does this and the two men pay for the birds and leave the shop.
They get into Gerry’s van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop.
“This looks like a grand place, eh?” says Gerry.
“Oh, yeah, this looks good,” replies Paddy.
They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss.
“I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?” says Gerry.
He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds, followed by a ‘SPLAT’.
As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says.
“SCRW THAT !! THIS BUDGIE JUMPING IS TOO DANGEROUS FOR ME !!”
A minute later…Seamus arrives at the cliff
He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar “peeper bag”.
He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun….
“Hi, Paddy – watch this”, Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff.
Paddy watches as halfway down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the poor parrot’s head off.
Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT, as he joins Gerry’s remains at the bottom.
Paddy shakes his head and says, “Bejesus, that PARROTSHOOTIN’ is also too dangerous for me.”
A few minutes later, Sean strolls up.
He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar paper bag.
However, instead of a parrot or a budgie, he pulls a chicken out of the bag and launches himself off the cliff with the same result as the other two men.
Once more Paddy shakes his head –
“Ahh, first there was Gerry wit’ his BUDGIE JUMPING, then Seamus PARROTSHOOTIN’ and now Sean with this HEN GLIDING !!!…”
A very complicated operation
Two men were hunting in the woods
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop right away they go over to the bird section.
Gerry says to Paddy, “That’s them”.
The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them.
“Yeah, we’ll take four of the birds in that cage up there,” says Gerry.
“Put them in a paper bag.”
The clerk does this and the two men pay for the birds and leave the shop.
They get into Gerry’s van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop.
“This looks like a grand place, eh?” says Gerry.
“Oh, yeah, this looks good,” replies Paddy.
They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss.
“I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?” says Gerry.
He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds, followed by a ‘SPLAT’.
As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says.
“SCRW THAT !! THIS BUDGIE JUMPING IS TOO DANGEROUS FOR ME !!”
A minute later…Seamus arrives at the cliff
He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar “peeper bag”.
He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun….
“Hi, Paddy – watch this”, Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff.
Paddy watches as halfway down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the poor parrot’s head off.
Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT, as he joins Gerry’s remains at the bottom.
Paddy shakes his head and says, “Bejesus, that PARROTSHOOTIN’ is also too dangerous for me.”
A few minutes later, Sean strolls up.
He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar paper bag.
However, instead of a parrot or a budgie, he pulls a chicken out of the bag and launches himself off the cliff with the same result as the other two men.
Once more Paddy shakes his head –
“Ahh, first there was Gerry wit’ his BUDGIE JUMPING, then Seamus PARROTSHOOTIN’ and now Sean with this HEN GLIDING !!!…”
A very complicated operation
Two men were hunting in the woods
6.
Little Johnny and Billy are walking to the church for the Sunday prayer.
Billy wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying:
Little Johnny. “Why don’t you ask the Priest?”
So, Billy goes up to the Priest and asks.
“Father, may I smoke while I pray?”
The Priest replies, “No, my son, you may not! That’s utter disrespect to our religion.”
Billy goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.
Little Johnny says, “I’m not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try.”
And so Little Johnny goes up to the Priest and asks.
“Father, may I pray while I smoke?”
To which the Priest eagerly replies.
“By all means, my son. By all means. You can always pray whenever you want to.”
A old man was sitting at a bar
Eliza says to the other two
Little Johnny and Billy are walking to the church for the Sunday prayer.
Billy wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying:
Little Johnny. “Why don’t you ask the Priest?”
So, Billy goes up to the Priest and asks.
“Father, may I smoke while I pray?”
The Priest replies, “No, my son, you may not! That’s utter disrespect to our religion.”
Billy goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.
Little Johnny says, “I’m not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try.”
And so Little Johnny goes up to the Priest and asks.
“Father, may I pray while I smoke?”
To which the Priest eagerly replies.
“By all means, my son. By all means. You can always pray whenever you want to.”
A old man was sitting at a bar
Eliza says to the other two
7.
What bird can do more that others?
A Pelican. What two birds met in the insane asylum?
A Cuckoo and a Loon. What bird lives in Hollywood? A Starling.
What bird can give you splinters? A woodpecker.
What bird works in construction? A Crane.
What bird loves guacamole? A Dipper.
What do you call a bird that picks its nose? A Flicker.
What do you call a bird that works at a restaurant? A Wader.
What bird just got arrested? A Robin.
What bird goes to church? A Cardinal.
What is a man’s favorite bird? A Swallow. What bird does drugs? A Junco.
What bird wears a toupee? A Heron. What bird is in a band? A Rock Dove.
What bird can’t walk straight? A warbler.
What bird parties the most? A Raven
Men at interview
A newly married Liam
What bird can do more that others?
A Pelican. What two birds met in the insane asylum?
A Cuckoo and a Loon. What bird lives in Hollywood? A Starling.
What bird can give you splinters? A woodpecker.
What bird works in construction? A Crane.
What bird loves guacamole? A Dipper.
What do you call a bird that picks its nose? A Flicker.
What do you call a bird that works at a restaurant? A Wader.
What bird just got arrested? A Robin.
What bird goes to church? A Cardinal.
What is a man’s favorite bird? A Swallow. What bird does drugs? A Junco.
What bird wears a toupee? A Heron. What bird is in a band? A Rock Dove.
What bird can’t walk straight? A warbler.
What bird parties the most? A Raven
Men at interview
A newly married Liam
8.
A man was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring his reflection, when he posed the following question to his wife of 20 years, “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?”
She answered, “Of course I will. I’ve already been doing it for the past 5 years haven’t I?”
A husband look at his wife one day and said
The husband was falling asleep
A man was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring his reflection, when he posed the following question to his wife of 20 years, “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?”
She answered, “Of course I will. I’ve already been doing it for the past 5 years haven’t I?”
A husband look at his wife one day and said
The husband was falling asleep
9.
A Police Officer was waiting along the side of a highway waiting to catch speeding drivers.
There weren’t as many violators this day as usual.
The State Police Officer sees an old car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!”
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back-wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him,
“Officer, I don’t understand,
I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”
“Ma’am,” the officer replies,
“You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly…
Twenty-two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask…
is everyone in this car OK?
These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,”
the officer asks with concern.
“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 215.”
Jonesey bought a donkey from Brathwaite
After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking
A Police Officer was waiting along the side of a highway waiting to catch speeding drivers.
There weren’t as many violators this day as usual.
The State Police Officer sees an old car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!”
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back-wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him,
“Officer, I don’t understand,
I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”
“Ma’am,” the officer replies,
“You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly…
Twenty-two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask…
is everyone in this car OK?
These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,”
the officer asks with concern.
“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 215.”
Jonesey bought a donkey from Brathwaite
After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking
10.
An old man is 85-year old and insists on taking his wife’s hand everywhere they go.
When a man asked him why his wife kept looking away, he responded,
“Because she has Alzheimer’s.” the old man said.
Then the man proceeded to ask him, will your wife worry if you let her go?
He then replied, “She doesn’t remember anything, she doesn’t know who I am anymore, she hasn’t recognized me for years.”
Surprised, the old man said, “And you have continued to guide her every single day even though she doesn’t recognize you?”
The elderly man smiled and looked into the man’s eyes and said, “She may not know who I am, but I know who she is, and she is the love of my life.”
Bill and his wife Blanche go to the Yorkshire
A husband and wife are sitting on the couch
An old man is 85-year old and insists on taking his wife’s hand everywhere they go.
When a man asked him why his wife kept looking away, he responded,
“Because she has Alzheimer’s.” the old man said.
Then the man proceeded to ask him, will your wife worry if you let her go?
He then replied, “She doesn’t remember anything, she doesn’t know who I am anymore, she hasn’t recognized me for years.”
Surprised, the old man said, “And you have continued to guide her every single day even though she doesn’t recognize you?”
The elderly man smiled and looked into the man’s eyes and said, “She may not know who I am, but I know who she is, and she is the love of my life.”
Bill and his wife Blanche go to the Yorkshire
A husband and wife are sitting on the couch
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11.
Two men were hunting in the woods when, all of a sudden, one man had a heart attack.
The other called 911.
Someone answered, and he said, “You’ve gotta come help me.
The guy I was hunting with had a heart attack.”
The person said, “Well, you’ve gotta make sure that he is dead.”
So the hunter said, “Okay.” Then he left the phone, there was a long pause, then a gun shot.
The hunter got back on the phone and said “Okay, now what?”
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop
A man lives in a high rise
Two men were hunting in the woods when, all of a sudden, one man had a heart attack.
The other called 911.
Someone answered, and he said, “You’ve gotta come help me.
The guy I was hunting with had a heart attack.”
The person said, “Well, you’ve gotta make sure that he is dead.”
So the hunter said, “Okay.” Then he left the phone, there was a long pause, then a gun shot.
The hunter got back on the phone and said “Okay, now what?”
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop
A man lives in a high rise
12.
A 7 year old son came in from school today and asked me:
“Dad, what kind of mouse can walk on 2 legs?”
“Erm, I don’t know” I replied
“Mickey Mouse” he replied laughing.
“Dad, what kind of duck can walk on 2 legs.”
“Donald Duck” I replied.
“No, all ducks you idiot.”
A elderly couple is having their 75th anniversary
She asks the doctor about her baby
A 7 year old son came in from school today and asked me:
“Dad, what kind of mouse can walk on 2 legs?”
“Erm, I don’t know” I replied
“Mickey Mouse” he replied laughing.
“Dad, what kind of duck can walk on 2 legs.”
“Donald Duck” I replied.
“No, all ducks you idiot.”
A elderly couple is having their 75th anniversary
She asks the doctor about her baby
13.
There’s an elderly man and woman sitting in the sun room of a retirement home.
The old man says to the woman, “For five dollars, I’ll have lovemaking with you on that rocking chair over there.
For ten dollars, I’ll have lovemaking with you on that couch.
But for twenty dollars, I’ll take you to my room, light a few candles and give you a romantic evening of passion you’ll never forget.”
The woman considers it a moment and then, after fishing through her purse, produces a twenty dollar bill.
The man says, “So, you want the romantic night in my room, eh?”
The woman replies, “No, I want four times in the rocker.”
She woke up and told her husband
A man returned home earlier
There’s an elderly man and woman sitting in the sun room of a retirement home.
The old man says to the woman, “For five dollars, I’ll have lovemaking with you on that rocking chair over there.
For ten dollars, I’ll have lovemaking with you on that couch.
But for twenty dollars, I’ll take you to my room, light a few candles and give you a romantic evening of passion you’ll never forget.”
The woman considers it a moment and then, after fishing through her purse, produces a twenty dollar bill.
The man says, “So, you want the romantic night in my room, eh?”
The woman replies, “No, I want four times in the rocker.”
She woke up and told her husband
A man returned home earlier
14.
Three men, an Scot, and an English man and a sumo wrestler were going to commit suicide by jumping of the top of a building.
The Scot jumped off and shouted
“God save Scotland!”
The English man jumped off and shouted
“God Save England!”
The Sumo wrestler jumped off and shouted
“God save the person who I land on!”
MY SUSPENDERS ARE CAUGHT IN YOUR CAR DOOR
A police officer asks a thief
Three men, an Scot, and an English man and a sumo wrestler were going to commit suicide by jumping of the top of a building.
The Scot jumped off and shouted
“God save Scotland!”
The English man jumped off and shouted
“God Save England!”
The Sumo wrestler jumped off and shouted
“God save the person who I land on!”
MY SUSPENDERS ARE CAUGHT IN YOUR CAR DOOR
A police officer asks a thief
15.
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench enjoying a cigarette.
A woman stopped, “excuse me young man, but I’ll have you know that those can take years off of your life.”
“No disrespect ma’am, but I’ll have you know that my grandfather lived to the ripe old age of 104.”
“Did he smoke also?”
“No, he minded his own bang business.”
A man called his doctor
A elderly retired Marine Fighter Pilot
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench enjoying a cigarette.
A woman stopped, “excuse me young man, but I’ll have you know that those can take years off of your life.”
“No disrespect ma’am, but I’ll have you know that my grandfather lived to the ripe old age of 104.”
“Did he smoke also?”
“No, he minded his own bang business.”
A man called his doctor
A elderly retired Marine Fighter Pilot
16.
Two men at a bus stop started a conversation.
One of them keeps complaining of family problems.
Finally, the other man says, “You think you have family problems?”
Listen to my situation..
A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married.
Later, my dad married my stepdaughter.
That made my stepdaughter my step-mom and my dad became my stepson-in-law. Also, my wife became mom-in-law to her dad-in-law.
Then my wife’s daughter, my stepmom, had a son.
This boy was my half-brother ’cause he was my dad’s son, but he was also the son of my wife’s daughter, which made him my wife’s grandson.
That made me the grandfather of my half-brother.
This was nothing until my wife and I had a son.
Now, the half-sister of my son, my stepmom, is also the grandmom.
My dad is the bro-in-law of my child, who is the stepbrother of my dad’s wife!
A old man was sitting at the river
Two men are having slow round of golf
Two men at a bus stop started a conversation.
One of them keeps complaining of family problems.
Finally, the other man says, “You think you have family problems?”
Listen to my situation..
A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married.
Later, my dad married my stepdaughter.
That made my stepdaughter my step-mom and my dad became my stepson-in-law. Also, my wife became mom-in-law to her dad-in-law.
Then my wife’s daughter, my stepmom, had a son.
This boy was my half-brother ’cause he was my dad’s son, but he was also the son of my wife’s daughter, which made him my wife’s grandson.
That made me the grandfather of my half-brother.
This was nothing until my wife and I had a son.
Now, the half-sister of my son, my stepmom, is also the grandmom.
My dad is the bro-in-law of my child, who is the stepbrother of my dad’s wife!
A old man was sitting at the river
Two men are having slow round of golf
17.
Two Arkansans meet on a dusty, country road.
One of them is carrying a big bag, labeled chickens.
“Chickens, eh?” says his friend.
“Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?”
“Heck,” says the guy with the bag.
“You guess right, I’ll give you both of ’em.”
“Um…five?”
A priest and a rabbi
A customer in a restaurant
Two Arkansans meet on a dusty, country road.
One of them is carrying a big bag, labeled chickens.
“Chickens, eh?” says his friend.
“Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?”
“Heck,” says the guy with the bag.
“You guess right, I’ll give you both of ’em.”
“Um…five?”
A priest and a rabbi
A customer in a restaurant
18.
A lost dog strays into a jungle.
A lion sees this from a distance and says to himself with caution, “This guy looks edible, never seen his kind before.”
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace.
The dog notices and starts to panic but as he’s about tocrun he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea.
He says loudly, “Mmm…that was delicious lion meat!”
The lion abruptly stops and says “Woah! This guy must be tougher then he looks…I better leave while I can.”
Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything.
Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return.
So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily, “Get on my back, we’ll go get him together.”
So they start rushing back to the dog.
The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more.
He then gets another idea and shouts, “Where the hell is that monkey?! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago!!”
The boss dialed his employees phone number
A old hunter was on his way back
A lost dog strays into a jungle.
A lion sees this from a distance and says to himself with caution, “This guy looks edible, never seen his kind before.”
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace.
The dog notices and starts to panic but as he’s about tocrun he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea.
He says loudly, “Mmm…that was delicious lion meat!”
The lion abruptly stops and says “Woah! This guy must be tougher then he looks…I better leave while I can.”
Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything.
Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return.
So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily, “Get on my back, we’ll go get him together.”
So they start rushing back to the dog.
The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more.
He then gets another idea and shouts, “Where the hell is that monkey?! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago!!”
The boss dialed his employees phone number
A old hunter was on his way back
19.
The wife served breakfast to the Husband.
Along with that, she gave me a tablet also and said:
“Take this Paracetamol after breakfast.”
Husband: “Why? I don’t have a fever.”
Wife: “OK, then take this Digene.”
Husband: “Come on ! I don’t have even gastric trouble.”
Wife: “OK, take at least Pudeen Hara You will have an immediate relief.”
Husband: “My dear, my stomach is perfectly OK.”
Wife: “Oh, but you must take at least Combiflame Any pain in your hands or legs will disappear in no time.”
Husband: “Are you crazy? Why so much of care and concern for me all of a sudden? Thanx darling, but I am totally fit, fresh and energetic.”
Wife: “Ve….ry good ! Now take this broom and clean up the cobwebs from all the rooms and then clean up the loft also.”
A husband and wife talking
Three elderly men are at the doctor
The wife served breakfast to the Husband.
Along with that, she gave me a tablet also and said:
“Take this Paracetamol after breakfast.”
Husband: “Why? I don’t have a fever.”
Wife: “OK, then take this Digene.”
Husband: “Come on ! I don’t have even gastric trouble.”
Wife: “OK, take at least Pudeen Hara You will have an immediate relief.”
Husband: “My dear, my stomach is perfectly OK.”
Wife: “Oh, but you must take at least Combiflame Any pain in your hands or legs will disappear in no time.”
Husband: “Are you crazy? Why so much of care and concern for me all of a sudden? Thanx darling, but I am totally fit, fresh and energetic.”
Wife: “Ve….ry good ! Now take this broom and clean up the cobwebs from all the rooms and then clean up the loft also.”
A husband and wife talking
Three elderly men are at the doctor
20.
A husband and wife are sitting on the couch watching TV.
The wife looks at the husband and he is staring at the ceiling above her head, she looks up and asks,
“What are you staring at?”
“A spider,” he replies.
“I don’t see anything,” she says.
“Oh, it must have fallen on your head,” he said calmly.
The wife jumps up screaming…
The man says, “While you’re up, can you get me another beer?”
A old man is 85 and take his wife
A angry wife was complaining about her husband
A husband and wife are sitting on the couch watching TV.
The wife looks at the husband and he is staring at the ceiling above her head, she looks up and asks,
“What are you staring at?”
“A spider,” he replies.
“I don’t see anything,” she says.
“Oh, it must have fallen on your head,” he said calmly.
The wife jumps up screaming…
The man says, “While you’re up, can you get me another beer?”
A old man is 85 and take his wife
A angry wife was complaining about her husband
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21.
One night there were three female fugitives escaping from jail.
One was blonde, one was brunette and the other was a redhead.
They had the police hot on their trail and, quickly thinking the brunette points out an old, abandoned factory perfect for hiding in.
When all three were inside the redhead, quickly thinking said they should all hide in old potato sacks in the corner as they could hear the police approaching the factory.
They all got in their little potato sacks and barely a minute later the police came crashing through the door.
They looked at the sacks and said: ‘Hmm maybe they are hiding in these.’
The officer kicks the red-head’s sack and she makes whimpering noises.
‘Hmm just puppies in that sack’
The officer kicks the brunette’s sack and she makes mewing noises.
‘Hmm just kittens in that sack’ He says. He finally kicks the blonde’s sack and he hears…
‘POTATOES POTATOES!’
A blonde walks into a pharmacy
Three girls all worked in the same office
One night there were three female fugitives escaping from jail.
One was blonde, one was brunette and the other was a redhead.
They had the police hot on their trail and, quickly thinking the brunette points out an old, abandoned factory perfect for hiding in.
When all three were inside the redhead, quickly thinking said they should all hide in old potato sacks in the corner as they could hear the police approaching the factory.
They all got in their little potato sacks and barely a minute later the police came crashing through the door.
They looked at the sacks and said: ‘Hmm maybe they are hiding in these.’
The officer kicks the red-head’s sack and she makes whimpering noises.
‘Hmm just puppies in that sack’
The officer kicks the brunette’s sack and she makes mewing noises.
‘Hmm just kittens in that sack’ He says. He finally kicks the blonde’s sack and he hears…
‘POTATOES POTATOES!’
A blonde walks into a pharmacy
Three girls all worked in the same office
22.
Grandpa and Grandma always got very excited when they recalled the old days they were together.
They made a decision, one day to make it,..
“yesterday once more”.
They made a date on the riverbank they used to go when they were young.
The next day, Grandpa got up 6 a.m. in the morning,
dashed to the bank, picked up a big bunch of wild flowers before sunrise,
waited there for his sweetheart to come.
But grandpa ended in disappointment grandma never showed up even after sunset.
Grandpa went home in such anger.
He opened the door, seeing grandma lying on the sofa with her pillow.
He threw the flowers on the floor and questioned:
“Why didn’t you come to our date?”
Grandma hid her head in the pillow and replied shyly
“Mom didn’t allow me to go…”
An elderly, faithful man died
A group of racist Americans
Grandpa and Grandma always got very excited when they recalled the old days they were together.
They made a decision, one day to make it,..
“yesterday once more”.
They made a date on the riverbank they used to go when they were young.
The next day, Grandpa got up 6 a.m. in the morning,
dashed to the bank, picked up a big bunch of wild flowers before sunrise,
waited there for his sweetheart to come.
But grandpa ended in disappointment grandma never showed up even after sunset.
Grandpa went home in such anger.
He opened the door, seeing grandma lying on the sofa with her pillow.
He threw the flowers on the floor and questioned:
“Why didn’t you come to our date?”
Grandma hid her head in the pillow and replied shyly
“Mom didn’t allow me to go…”
An elderly, faithful man died
A group of racist Americans
23.
A blonde is pregnant, and is practically 9 months along.
She goes to see her doctor for a routine check-up, but she is worried.
She asks, “What if the baby starts coming, and I can’t get to the hospital in time?”
The doctor replies, “Well, woman have been having babies for a million years without an attendance by doctors.
It’s a very natural process.
The first thing you do is to assume the same position you were laying in when you got pregnant.”
The blonde interrupts with,
“Do you mean with the left foot in the glove compartment and the right foot hanging out the window
The pick-up couple was relaxing after lovemaking
Timmy wanted to sleep with his parents
A blonde is pregnant, and is practically 9 months along.
She goes to see her doctor for a routine check-up, but she is worried.
She asks, “What if the baby starts coming, and I can’t get to the hospital in time?”
The doctor replies, “Well, woman have been having babies for a million years without an attendance by doctors.
It’s a very natural process.
The first thing you do is to assume the same position you were laying in when you got pregnant.”
The blonde interrupts with,
“Do you mean with the left foot in the glove compartment and the right foot hanging out the window
The pick-up couple was relaxing after lovemaking
Timmy wanted to sleep with his parents
24.
An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldom saw many people.
One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy something.
“Well, my wife ain’t home, she’s gone down to the creek to wash clothes, but lemma see what you got,” said the man.
The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn’t interested.
Then the man spotted a mirror and said, “What’s that?”
Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said,
“My God how’d you get a picture of my Pappy?”
The old man was so happy, he traded his wife’s best pitcher for it.
The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale.
The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her best pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some boxes of junk.
He would go out to the barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the “picture” and eventually the wife got suspicious.
One day she got fed up and after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn.
She saw the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said,
“so this is the hussy he’s been fooling’ around with!”
The woman was discussing with her maid
A man called his doctor
An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldom saw many people.
One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy something.
“Well, my wife ain’t home, she’s gone down to the creek to wash clothes, but lemma see what you got,” said the man.
The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn’t interested.
Then the man spotted a mirror and said, “What’s that?”
Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said,
“My God how’d you get a picture of my Pappy?”
The old man was so happy, he traded his wife’s best pitcher for it.
The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale.
The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her best pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some boxes of junk.
He would go out to the barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the “picture” and eventually the wife got suspicious.
One day she got fed up and after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn.
She saw the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said,
“so this is the hussy he’s been fooling’ around with!”
The woman was discussing with her maid
A man called his doctor
25.
If he didn’t speak for two years, the following year he could speak two words and so on.
One day, he fell in love with a beautiful lady.
He refrained from speaking for two whole years so he could call her “my darling.”
But then he wanted to tell her he loved her, so he waited three more years.
At the end of these five years, he wanted to ask her to marry him, so he waited another four years.
Finally, as the ninth year of silence ended, he led the lady to the most romantic place in the kingdom and said, “My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?”
And the lady said, “Pardon?”
A Vicar goes to the dentist
The Ranger Explains The Differences In Bears
If he didn’t speak for two years, the following year he could speak two words and so on.
One day, he fell in love with a beautiful lady.
He refrained from speaking for two whole years so he could call her “my darling.”
But then he wanted to tell her he loved her, so he waited three more years.
At the end of these five years, he wanted to ask her to marry him, so he waited another four years.
Finally, as the ninth year of silence ended, he led the lady to the most romantic place in the kingdom and said, “My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?”
And the lady said, “Pardon?”
A Vicar goes to the dentist
The Ranger Explains The Differences In Bears
26.
Three guys are in a doctor`s office.
One is a drunk, another`s a smoker and the third`s a gay guy.
The doctor tells each of them that, if they indulge in their bad habit one more time, they will die.
Outside they pass a bar.
The drunk says, “I don`t care if I die, I need a drink.”
The drunk goes into the bar takes a drink and, sure enough, he drops dead.
Meanwhile the smoker and the gay guy are walking along.
Then the smoker spots a lit cigarette on the sidewalk.
The gay guy looks over and says, “If you bend down to pick that up, we`re both dead.”
Two lawyers are having a drink
A man is traveling through the jungle
Three guys are in a doctor`s office.
One is a drunk, another`s a smoker and the third`s a gay guy.
The doctor tells each of them that, if they indulge in their bad habit one more time, they will die.
Outside they pass a bar.
The drunk says, “I don`t care if I die, I need a drink.”
The drunk goes into the bar takes a drink and, sure enough, he drops dead.
Meanwhile the smoker and the gay guy are walking along.
Then the smoker spots a lit cigarette on the sidewalk.
The gay guy looks over and says, “If you bend down to pick that up, we`re both dead.”
Two lawyers are having a drink
A man is traveling through the jungle
27.
A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year grandson.
The old man’s hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered.
The family ate together at the table.
But the elderly grandfather’s shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult.
Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor.
When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth.
The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess.
“We must do something about Grandfather,” said the son.
“I’ve had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor”.
So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner.
There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed their dinners together.
Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl.
When the family glanced in Grandfather’s direction, sometimes he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone.
Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food.
The four-year-old watched it all in silence.
One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor.
He asked the child sweetly, “What are you making?”
Just as sweetly, the boy responded, “Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when you get old.”
The four year old smiled and went back to work.
The words so struck the parents that they were speechless.
Then tears started to stream down their cheeks.
Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done that evening the husband took Grandfather’s hand and gently led him back to the family table.
For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family and for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.
Children are remarkably perceptive their eyes ever observe, their ears ever listen, and their minds ever process the messages they absorb.
If they see us patiently provide a happy home atmosphere for family members, they will imitate that attitude for the rest of their lives.
The wise parent realizes that every day that building blocks are being laid for the child’s future.
The Magical Lamp
A Woman Writes In To A Men’s Helpline
A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year grandson.
The old man’s hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered.
The family ate together at the table.
But the elderly grandfather’s shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult.
Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor.
When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth.
The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess.
“We must do something about Grandfather,” said the son.
“I’ve had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor”.
So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner.
There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed their dinners together.
Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl.
When the family glanced in Grandfather’s direction, sometimes he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone.
Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food.
The four-year-old watched it all in silence.
One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor.
He asked the child sweetly, “What are you making?”
Just as sweetly, the boy responded, “Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when you get old.”
The four year old smiled and went back to work.
The words so struck the parents that they were speechless.
Then tears started to stream down their cheeks.
Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done that evening the husband took Grandfather’s hand and gently led him back to the family table.
For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family and for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.
Children are remarkably perceptive their eyes ever observe, their ears ever listen, and their minds ever process the messages they absorb.
If they see us patiently provide a happy home atmosphere for family members, they will imitate that attitude for the rest of their lives.
The wise parent realizes that every day that building blocks are being laid for the child’s future.
The Magical Lamp
A Woman Writes In To A Men’s Helpline
28.
A cop pulls over a carload of nuns.
Cop: “Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway — why are you going so slow?”
Sister: “Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65.”
Cop: “Oh sister, that’s not the speed limit, that’s the name of the highway you’re on!
Sister: Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I’ll be more careful.
At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.
Cop: Excuse me, Sister, what’s wrong with your friends back there? They’re shaking something terrible.
Sister: Oh, we just got off of highway 119.
Two old men were sitting on a park bench
A man sitting at a bar looking at his drink
A cop pulls over a carload of nuns.
Cop: “Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway — why are you going so slow?”
Sister: “Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65.”
Cop: “Oh sister, that’s not the speed limit, that’s the name of the highway you’re on!
Sister: Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I’ll be more careful.
At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.
Cop: Excuse me, Sister, what’s wrong with your friends back there? They’re shaking something terrible.
Sister: Oh, we just got off of highway 119.
Two old men were sitting on a park bench
A man sitting at a bar looking at his drink
29.
A man named Marty called his son.
“Harry I have news to tell you, I know it’s going to upset you but I have made up my mind and there is nothing you can do about it. I have decided to divorce your mother.”
“But dad how can that be the son asked you have been married for 40 years, and you always seemed to get along? What happened suddenly?”
“Son, I have made up my mind, and I don’t want you to try to convince me out of it.”
“OK” the son responded but promise me you won’t do anything until I come and talk to you in person, and I am going to ask all of the siblings to fly in also.
“Alright” said the father hanging up you have my word.
“Well” said Marty, turning to his wife “I got them all to come in and I didn’t even have to pay for the tickets.”
Dave took Mary out for dinner
Little Bob went with his mom to church
A man named Marty called his son.
“Harry I have news to tell you, I know it’s going to upset you but I have made up my mind and there is nothing you can do about it. I have decided to divorce your mother.”
“But dad how can that be the son asked you have been married for 40 years, and you always seemed to get along? What happened suddenly?”
“Son, I have made up my mind, and I don’t want you to try to convince me out of it.”
“OK” the son responded but promise me you won’t do anything until I come and talk to you in person, and I am going to ask all of the siblings to fly in also.
“Alright” said the father hanging up you have my word.
“Well” said Marty, turning to his wife “I got them all to come in and I didn’t even have to pay for the tickets.”
Dave took Mary out for dinner
Little Bob went with his mom to church
30.
A Texan visitor to England asked an Englishman to show him the biggest building in town.
“There it is,” said the Englishman.
“It’s quite impressive, I must admit.”
“You call that big?” scoffed the Texan.
“Back in Texas we have buildings just like that but over a hundred times bigger!”
“I’m not surprised,” said the Englishman.
“That’s the local lunatic asylum!”
A man was annoyed when his wife
A man walks up to a woman
A Texan visitor to England asked an Englishman to show him the biggest building in town.
“There it is,” said the Englishman.
“It’s quite impressive, I must admit.”
“You call that big?” scoffed the Texan.
“Back in Texas we have buildings just like that but over a hundred times bigger!”
“I’m not surprised,” said the Englishman.
“That’s the local lunatic asylum!”
A man was annoyed when his wife
A man walks up to a woman
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eng jokes