1.
A man goes to take out a loan.
The loan officer comes over immediately.
“How can I help you, sir?” he asks.
“I’m going out of town on business for two weeks and need to borrow $5,000,” the man answers.
The loan officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan.
So, the man holds out his hand and opens his palm, saying: “These are the keys to my car, which is sitting out front. Here are the documents, as well”.
The loan officer peeks out the window and sees a brand new Ferrari parallel parked directly in front of the bank.
“One moment, please.”
The loan officer walks into a back office to consult with the president of the bank.
Everything checks out. So, after sharing a laugh with the president at this man leaving a $750,000 car as security for a $5,000 loan, the loan officer returns and tells the man that they will happily accept the Ferrari.
An employee of the bank then drives the car into the bank’s underground garage and parks it.
Two weeks later, the man returns and pays the $5,000 plus interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer smiles and says: “Sir, we are very happy to have your business. This transaction has worked out very nicely. But to be honest, we are a little bit puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. So what puzzled us is why you’d bother to borrow $5,000?”
The man replies: “Where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for just $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”
A Guy walks into a bar and goes up bartender
Johnny and Susie were playing
A man goes to take out a loan.
The loan officer comes over immediately.
“How can I help you, sir?” he asks.
“I’m going out of town on business for two weeks and need to borrow $5,000,” the man answers.
The loan officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan.
So, the man holds out his hand and opens his palm, saying: “These are the keys to my car, which is sitting out front. Here are the documents, as well”.
The loan officer peeks out the window and sees a brand new Ferrari parallel parked directly in front of the bank.
“One moment, please.”
The loan officer walks into a back office to consult with the president of the bank.
Everything checks out. So, after sharing a laugh with the president at this man leaving a $750,000 car as security for a $5,000 loan, the loan officer returns and tells the man that they will happily accept the Ferrari.
An employee of the bank then drives the car into the bank’s underground garage and parks it.
Two weeks later, the man returns and pays the $5,000 plus interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer smiles and says: “Sir, we are very happy to have your business. This transaction has worked out very nicely. But to be honest, we are a little bit puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. So what puzzled us is why you’d bother to borrow $5,000?”
The man replies: “Where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for just $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”
A Guy walks into a bar and goes up bartender
Johnny and Susie were playing
2.
After 50 Years of Marriage, A Couple Was in Bed at Night, Then Wife Felt Something
A man enters a police station and says to the officer
After 50 Years of Marriage, A Couple Was in Bed at Night, Then Wife Felt Something
A man enters a police station and says to the officer
3.
A man visited the pastor, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.
“Pastor, ” he said in a broken voice,
“I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this neighborhood.
The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving.
They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $900.”
“How terrible!” exclaimed the preacher’s wife “May I ask who you are?”
The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes
“I’m the landlord,” he sobbed.
A mother took her little boy to church
A mother and a baby camel were talking
A man visited the pastor, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.
“Pastor, ” he said in a broken voice,
“I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this neighborhood.
The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving.
They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $900.”
“How terrible!” exclaimed the preacher’s wife “May I ask who you are?”
The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes
“I’m the landlord,” he sobbed.
A mother took her little boy to church
A mother and a baby camel were talking
4.
An elderly carpenter was ready to retire.
He told his employer-contractor of his plans to leave the house-building business to live a more leisurely life with his wife and enjoy his extended family.
He would miss the paycheck each week, but he wanted to retire they could get by.
The contractor was sorry to see his good worker go & asked if he could build just one more house as a personal favor.
The carpenter said yes, but over time it was easy to see that his heart was not in his work.
He resorted to shoddy workmanship and used inferior materials.
It was an unfortunate way to end a dedicated career.
When the carpenter finished his work, his employer came to inspect the house.
Then he handed the front-door key to the carpenter and said, “This is your house… my gift to you.”
The carpenter was shocked!
What a shame! If he had only known he was building his own house, he would have done it all so differently.
So it is with us we build our lives, a day at a time, often putting less than our best into the building.
Then, with a shock, we realize we have to live in the house we have built If we could do it over, we would do it much differently.
But, you cannot go back you are the carpenter, and every day you hammer a nail, place a board, or self practice a wall.
Someone once said, “Life is a do-it-yourself project.”
Your attitude, and the choices you make today, help build the “house” you will live in tomorrow.
Therefore, Build wisely!
At deer camp
A pupil was caught stealing
An elderly carpenter was ready to retire.
He told his employer-contractor of his plans to leave the house-building business to live a more leisurely life with his wife and enjoy his extended family.
He would miss the paycheck each week, but he wanted to retire they could get by.
The contractor was sorry to see his good worker go & asked if he could build just one more house as a personal favor.
The carpenter said yes, but over time it was easy to see that his heart was not in his work.
He resorted to shoddy workmanship and used inferior materials.
It was an unfortunate way to end a dedicated career.
When the carpenter finished his work, his employer came to inspect the house.
Then he handed the front-door key to the carpenter and said, “This is your house… my gift to you.”
The carpenter was shocked!
What a shame! If he had only known he was building his own house, he would have done it all so differently.
So it is with us we build our lives, a day at a time, often putting less than our best into the building.
Then, with a shock, we realize we have to live in the house we have built If we could do it over, we would do it much differently.
But, you cannot go back you are the carpenter, and every day you hammer a nail, place a board, or self practice a wall.
Someone once said, “Life is a do-it-yourself project.”
Your attitude, and the choices you make today, help build the “house” you will live in tomorrow.
Therefore, Build wisely!
At deer camp
A pupil was caught stealing
5.
While taking the interview, the employer asked the candidate:
Employer: So, how long did you work during your’e last job?
Candidate: 30 years
Employer: oh, you look young how old are you
Candidate: 20 years old
The employer was surprised and asked the candidate how she worked 30 years and has only been living for 20 years??
Candidate: Overtime!
The teacher asked her a question
A dentist told a mother
While taking the interview, the employer asked the candidate:
Employer: So, how long did you work during your’e last job?
Candidate: 30 years
Employer: oh, you look young how old are you
Candidate: 20 years old
The employer was surprised and asked the candidate how she worked 30 years and has only been living for 20 years??
Candidate: Overtime!
The teacher asked her a question
A dentist told a mother
6.
The visiting Bible school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class, “Who broke down the walls of Jericho?”
Little Johnny replies, “I dunno, but it wasn’t me!”
The supervisor, taken aback by Johnny’s lack of basic Bible knowledge goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident.
The principal replies, “I know Little Johnny as well as his whole family and can vouch for them; if Little Johnny said that he did not do it, then I, as principal is satisfied that it is the truth.”
Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the regional Head of Education and relates the whole story…
After listening he replies: “I can’t see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the damned wall!”
A small boy lived in the local village
A man with an elephant walks
The visiting Bible school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class, “Who broke down the walls of Jericho?”
Little Johnny replies, “I dunno, but it wasn’t me!”
The supervisor, taken aback by Johnny’s lack of basic Bible knowledge goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident.
The principal replies, “I know Little Johnny as well as his whole family and can vouch for them; if Little Johnny said that he did not do it, then I, as principal is satisfied that it is the truth.”
Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the regional Head of Education and relates the whole story…
After listening he replies: “I can’t see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the damned wall!”
A small boy lived in the local village
A man with an elephant walks
7.
Santa was traveling in a train.
The ticket collector came and asked him to show his ticket.
Santa politely asked, “Which one should I show, the one in my right pocket or the one in my left pocket?”
The T.C was taken aback.
He then said, “Show me the ticket in your right pocket.”
Santa promptly showed the ticket It was perfectly in order.
The T.C then asked for the reason for buying two tickets.
Santa explained, “If someone picks one pocket then I have the other ticket left.”
The T.C asked again, “Suppose someone picks both your pockets, what happens?”
Santa said with a smile, “I have a concessional monthly pass also.”
A certain king of Spain
A fisherman is walking carrying lobsters
Santa was traveling in a train.
The ticket collector came and asked him to show his ticket.
Santa politely asked, “Which one should I show, the one in my right pocket or the one in my left pocket?”
The T.C was taken aback.
He then said, “Show me the ticket in your right pocket.”
Santa promptly showed the ticket It was perfectly in order.
The T.C then asked for the reason for buying two tickets.
Santa explained, “If someone picks one pocket then I have the other ticket left.”
The T.C asked again, “Suppose someone picks both your pockets, what happens?”
Santa said with a smile, “I have a concessional monthly pass also.”
A certain king of Spain
A fisherman is walking carrying lobsters
8.
John and Tony were in the bar, pondering over Tony’s problems.
“Andrea and I want to get married,” said Tony, “but we can’t find anywhere to live.”
“Why don’t you live with Andrea’s parents for a while?” suggested John.
“We can’t do that,” said Tony, “they’re living with their parents for a while too.”
Joan invited some people to dinner
A high school student came home
John and Tony were in the bar, pondering over Tony’s problems.
“Andrea and I want to get married,” said Tony, “but we can’t find anywhere to live.”
“Why don’t you live with Andrea’s parents for a while?” suggested John.
“We can’t do that,” said Tony, “they’re living with their parents for a while too.”
Joan invited some people to dinner
A high school student came home
9.
Thinking it had been a long time since he had paid her a compliment, she decides to see if she can get one out of him.
“Honey,” she says, “I feel horrible.”
Silence…
“I look old, fat, and ugly.”
More Silence leaving all semblance of subtlety behind her, she bluntly tells him what she wants.
“I could really use a compliment right now!”
Finally taking his cue, the husband replies,
“Your eyesight is damn near perfect.”
There was a little old lady
I have an idea
Thinking it had been a long time since he had paid her a compliment, she decides to see if she can get one out of him.
“Honey,” she says, “I feel horrible.”
Silence…
“I look old, fat, and ugly.”
More Silence leaving all semblance of subtlety behind her, she bluntly tells him what she wants.
“I could really use a compliment right now!”
Finally taking his cue, the husband replies,
“Your eyesight is damn near perfect.”
There was a little old lady
I have an idea
10.
A blonde went to her doctor and said,
“You prescribed birth control pills for me.”
“And how is it going?” he asked.
“Okay, I think, but I’d like to have them bigger.”
The doctor was surprised.
“You mean stronger?”
“No, bigger, please”
“But why BIGGER?”
“Because they keep falling out.”
Sophie and Shirley two elderly widows
This blonde city girl who was out driving
A blonde went to her doctor and said,
“You prescribed birth control pills for me.”
“And how is it going?” he asked.
“Okay, I think, but I’d like to have them bigger.”
The doctor was surprised.
“You mean stronger?”
“No, bigger, please”
“But why BIGGER?”
“Because they keep falling out.”
Sophie and Shirley two elderly widows
This blonde city girl who was out driving
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11.
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.”
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating’.”
Sally raised her hand. She said,
“My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her melons are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.
He entered their bedroom
A elderly married couple is having problems
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.”
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating’.”
Sally raised her hand. She said,
“My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her melons are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.
He entered their bedroom
A elderly married couple is having problems
12.
After four years of drought in the small north-east village, the priest gathered everyone for a pilgrimage up to the mountain;
there they would do a collective prayer, asking for the rain to fall again.
In the group, the priest noticed a boy wearing a raincoat.
“Are you crazy?” he asked the boy.
“It hasn’t rained in this region for five years and the heat from hiking up the mountain will kill you.”
The boy replied: “I have a cold, priest
If we are going to ask God for rain, can you imagine our return from the mountain? It will be a spate and I need to be prepared.”
At this moment, they heard a great roar coming from the sky and the first drops began to fall.
It sufficed the faith of a boy in a miracle that even the most prepared ones didn’t believe in.
The Husband Hired A Detective
A chemistry professor wanted to teach
After four years of drought in the small north-east village, the priest gathered everyone for a pilgrimage up to the mountain;
there they would do a collective prayer, asking for the rain to fall again.
In the group, the priest noticed a boy wearing a raincoat.
“Are you crazy?” he asked the boy.
“It hasn’t rained in this region for five years and the heat from hiking up the mountain will kill you.”
The boy replied: “I have a cold, priest
If we are going to ask God for rain, can you imagine our return from the mountain? It will be a spate and I need to be prepared.”
At this moment, they heard a great roar coming from the sky and the first drops began to fall.
It sufficed the faith of a boy in a miracle that even the most prepared ones didn’t believe in.
The Husband Hired A Detective
A chemistry professor wanted to teach
13.
An ant is lying in its deathbed in North Korea.
He calls his son and says he wanted to tell him something for a long time.
Son Ant : What is it dad?
Father Ant : I cannot say that in this god forbidden country we have to move immediately to France or Italy before i am dead.
Confused,the Son Ant made arrangements to move to France.
They boarded a spy ship which took them to south Korea.From there they boarded a flight to France.With great difficulty they finally reached France.
The father ant’s health became worse.The son ant was thinking what was so important that they had to move to another country, So when they settled in their new home he finally asked..
Son Ant : Dad, We are in France now you can tell whatever he was going to tell him.
The Father could not speak up so he signaled his son to come closer.The son did.
Father Ant: Son, We are now Europeants.
Some scientists created a machine
A man goes to the circus
An ant is lying in its deathbed in North Korea.
He calls his son and says he wanted to tell him something for a long time.
Son Ant : What is it dad?
Father Ant : I cannot say that in this god forbidden country we have to move immediately to France or Italy before i am dead.
Confused,the Son Ant made arrangements to move to France.
They boarded a spy ship which took them to south Korea.From there they boarded a flight to France.With great difficulty they finally reached France.
The father ant’s health became worse.The son ant was thinking what was so important that they had to move to another country, So when they settled in their new home he finally asked..
Son Ant : Dad, We are in France now you can tell whatever he was going to tell him.
The Father could not speak up so he signaled his son to come closer.The son did.
Father Ant: Son, We are now Europeants.
Some scientists created a machine
A man goes to the circus
14.
There’s an elderly man and woman sitting in the sun room of a retirement home.
The old man says to the woman, “For five dollars, I’ll have lovemaking with you on that rocking chair over there.
For ten dollars, I’ll have lovemaking with you on that couch.
But for twenty dollars, I’ll take you to my room, light a few candles and give you a romantic evening of passion you’ll never forget.”
The woman considers it a moment and then, after fishing through her purse, produces a twenty dollar bill.
The man says, “So, you want the romantic night in my room, eh?”
The woman replies, “No, I want four times in the rocker.”
She woke up and told her husband
A man returned home earlier
There’s an elderly man and woman sitting in the sun room of a retirement home.
The old man says to the woman, “For five dollars, I’ll have lovemaking with you on that rocking chair over there.
For ten dollars, I’ll have lovemaking with you on that couch.
But for twenty dollars, I’ll take you to my room, light a few candles and give you a romantic evening of passion you’ll never forget.”
The woman considers it a moment and then, after fishing through her purse, produces a twenty dollar bill.
The man says, “So, you want the romantic night in my room, eh?”
The woman replies, “No, I want four times in the rocker.”
She woke up and told her husband
A man returned home earlier
15.
A bartender is working one evening, when a panicked man comes charging into his bar.
“BIG JAKE’S COMIN’!” he cries. “EVERYBODY RUN! BIG JAKE’S COMIN’!”
The bartender, having never heard that name before, is a little perplexed – even more so when all of his patrons start screaming and running out the door.
In just a few moments, the bar is emptied out.
A minute afterwards, the bartender sees a massive hulk of a man punch down the door and walk inside.
Seven feet tall, with biceps like steel girders and piercings as thick as railroad spikes.
He walks up to the bartender, making the entire room rumble with every footstep.
“Gimme some whiskey!” roars the giant.
The bartender, scared out of his mind, hands him an entire bottle.
He drinks it all in one swig, and then smashes the bottle over his own head
A man walks into a rooftop bar
A construction worker goes to the doctor
A bartender is working one evening, when a panicked man comes charging into his bar.
“BIG JAKE’S COMIN’!” he cries. “EVERYBODY RUN! BIG JAKE’S COMIN’!”
The bartender, having never heard that name before, is a little perplexed – even more so when all of his patrons start screaming and running out the door.
In just a few moments, the bar is emptied out.
A minute afterwards, the bartender sees a massive hulk of a man punch down the door and walk inside.
Seven feet tall, with biceps like steel girders and piercings as thick as railroad spikes.
He walks up to the bartender, making the entire room rumble with every footstep.
“Gimme some whiskey!” roars the giant.
The bartender, scared out of his mind, hands him an entire bottle.
He drinks it all in one swig, and then smashes the bottle over his own head
A man walks into a rooftop bar
A construction worker goes to the doctor
16.
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.
“My name is Billy. What’s yours?”
asked the first boy.
“Tommy,” replied the second.
“My Daddy’s an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?”
asked Billy. Tommy replied, “My Daddy’s a lawyer.”
“Honest?”
asked Billy.
“No, just the regular kind”, replied Tommy.
Three men were discussing at a bar
A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.
“My name is Billy. What’s yours?”
asked the first boy.
“Tommy,” replied the second.
“My Daddy’s an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?”
asked Billy. Tommy replied, “My Daddy’s a lawyer.”
“Honest?”
asked Billy.
“No, just the regular kind”, replied Tommy.
Three men were discussing at a bar
A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson
17.
A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic.
The druggist asks, “Ma’am, what do you want with arsenic?”
The lady says, “To kill my husband.”
“I can’t sell you any for that reason,” says the druggist.
The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position, the man is her husband and the lady is the druggist’s wife, and shows it to the druggist.
He looks at the photo and says, “Oh I didn’t know you had a prescription!”
A nurse at hospital received a call
A man hasn’t been feeling well
A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic.
The druggist asks, “Ma’am, what do you want with arsenic?”
The lady says, “To kill my husband.”
“I can’t sell you any for that reason,” says the druggist.
The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position, the man is her husband and the lady is the druggist’s wife, and shows it to the druggist.
He looks at the photo and says, “Oh I didn’t know you had a prescription!”
A nurse at hospital received a call
A man hasn’t been feeling well
18.
An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter.
Here is your Oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses.
If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many cafes located throughout the area,” said Peter.
“Heck, Gloria,” the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off,
“We could have been here ten years ago if you hadn’t insisted on exercising three times a week and eating that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat food!”
The Infuriated Atheist Neighbor
Joe packs the picnic basket
An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter.
Here is your Oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses.
If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many cafes located throughout the area,” said Peter.
“Heck, Gloria,” the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off,
“We could have been here ten years ago if you hadn’t insisted on exercising three times a week and eating that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat food!”
The Infuriated Atheist Neighbor
Joe packs the picnic basket
19.
One evening, a family sat down for dinner.
The mother served fish and cauliflower.
They were all eating, until the boy, chewing on his fish, found a bone.
He pulled it out of his mouth and asked, “Mom, what do I do with this?”
“Put it where you’re sure you won’t eat it,” said his mother.
So the boy carefully stuck it into his cauliflower.
A son challenged his father game of golf
A gentleman enters a restaurant
One evening, a family sat down for dinner.
The mother served fish and cauliflower.
They were all eating, until the boy, chewing on his fish, found a bone.
He pulled it out of his mouth and asked, “Mom, what do I do with this?”
“Put it where you’re sure you won’t eat it,” said his mother.
So the boy carefully stuck it into his cauliflower.
A son challenged his father game of golf
A gentleman enters a restaurant
20.
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength.
He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
“Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is,” he said.
“I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.”
“You’re on, old man,” the braggart replied.
“Let’s see what you got.”
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he said, “All right. Get in.”
Three people were stuck on an island
This fisherman goes to the river
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength.
He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
“Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is,” he said.
“I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.”
“You’re on, old man,” the braggart replied.
“Let’s see what you got.”
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he said, “All right. Get in.”
Three people were stuck on an island
This fisherman goes to the river
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21.
There once was a little old lady who wanted a parrot all her life.
Finally, one day she spots a good deal on a parrot for sale in the newspaper.
She makes the call and arranges to pick it up the next day.
In the meantime, out she goes to the pet store and buys the very best cage for him that money can buy.
The next day the little old lady brings her parrot home and puts him in the cage.
She watches him excitedly as he looks around his new surroundings and asks,
“Do you like it? Do you like it?
The parrot drolly says, “nice f…n’ cage”.
Well!!! The little old lady’s hair stood straight up! She opens the cage door, grabs the Parrot and shakes her finger at him.
“There will be no language like that in my house mister! The next time I hear language like that out of your mouth, there will be SERIOUS consequences!”
Upon which she promptly throws the parrot back into the cage and slams the door.
A few days later, the little old lady was thinking about the incident, and she felt terrible.
After all, they were still getting to know one another; maybe she came down too hard on the poor parrot.
To make it up to him she goes to the pet store to buy him a present.
There she found a beautiful perch – top of the line – the very best perch that money could buy.
She rushes home as fast as she can and puts the perch in the cage – looking expectantly at the parrot;
“Do you like it? Do you like it?”
“The parrot looks the perch over and says, dripping with sarcasm “nice f…n’ perch”.
WELL!!!!! The little old lady opens the cage, grabs the parrot and marches into the kitchen.
“I told you the next time I heard language like that out of your mouth there would be serious consequences”.
She promptly opened the freezer door and threw the parrot in, slamming it shut behind him.
An hour or so goes by and she thinks he’s probably learned his lesson.
Opening the freezer door, the parrot comes toddling out and says,
“One question; what the f…$ did the chicken do?”
A little old lady was walking street
A guy calls a company and orders
There once was a little old lady who wanted a parrot all her life.
Finally, one day she spots a good deal on a parrot for sale in the newspaper.
She makes the call and arranges to pick it up the next day.
In the meantime, out she goes to the pet store and buys the very best cage for him that money can buy.
The next day the little old lady brings her parrot home and puts him in the cage.
She watches him excitedly as he looks around his new surroundings and asks,
“Do you like it? Do you like it?
The parrot drolly says, “nice f…n’ cage”.
Well!!! The little old lady’s hair stood straight up! She opens the cage door, grabs the Parrot and shakes her finger at him.
“There will be no language like that in my house mister! The next time I hear language like that out of your mouth, there will be SERIOUS consequences!”
Upon which she promptly throws the parrot back into the cage and slams the door.
A few days later, the little old lady was thinking about the incident, and she felt terrible.
After all, they were still getting to know one another; maybe she came down too hard on the poor parrot.
To make it up to him she goes to the pet store to buy him a present.
There she found a beautiful perch – top of the line – the very best perch that money could buy.
She rushes home as fast as she can and puts the perch in the cage – looking expectantly at the parrot;
“Do you like it? Do you like it?”
“The parrot looks the perch over and says, dripping with sarcasm “nice f…n’ perch”.
WELL!!!!! The little old lady opens the cage, grabs the parrot and marches into the kitchen.
“I told you the next time I heard language like that out of your mouth there would be serious consequences”.
She promptly opened the freezer door and threw the parrot in, slamming it shut behind him.
An hour or so goes by and she thinks he’s probably learned his lesson.
Opening the freezer door, the parrot comes toddling out and says,
“One question; what the f…$ did the chicken do?”
A little old lady was walking street
A guy calls a company and orders
22.
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist.
The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window.
Right away he tells her to undress.
After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.
As he does this he says to the woman, “Do you know what I’m doing?”
“Yes,” she says, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.”
“That’s right,” says the doctor.
He then begins to fondle her melons.
“Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asks.
“Yes,” says the woman, “you’re checking for any lumps of melons cancer.”
“That’s right,” replies the doctor.
He then begins to have bang lovemaking with the woman.
He says to her, “Do you know what I’m doing now?”
“Yes,” she says. “You’re getting herpes.”
A woman goes to the doctor
Four strangers traveled together
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist.
The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window.
Right away he tells her to undress.
After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.
As he does this he says to the woman, “Do you know what I’m doing?”
“Yes,” she says, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.”
“That’s right,” says the doctor.
He then begins to fondle her melons.
“Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asks.
“Yes,” says the woman, “you’re checking for any lumps of melons cancer.”
“That’s right,” replies the doctor.
He then begins to have bang lovemaking with the woman.
He says to her, “Do you know what I’m doing now?”
“Yes,” she says. “You’re getting herpes.”
A woman goes to the doctor
Four strangers traveled together
23.
One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.
The two were at the same table, across from one another.
As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, “Will you marry me?”
After about six seconds of ‘careful consideration’, she answered “Yes, I will.”
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled.
“Did she say ‘yes’ or did she say ‘no’?”
He couldn’t remember try as he might, he just could not recall not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained that he didn’t remember as well as he used to then he reviewed the lovely evening past.
As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, “When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘Yes’ or did you say ‘No’?”
He was delighted to hear her say, “Why, I said, ‘Yes, yes I will’ and I meant it with all my heart.”
Then she continued, “I am so glad that you called, because I couldn’t remember who had asked me!”
A woman was cutting her husband’s thinning hair
After a long sermon
One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.
The two were at the same table, across from one another.
As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, “Will you marry me?”
After about six seconds of ‘careful consideration’, she answered “Yes, I will.”
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled.
“Did she say ‘yes’ or did she say ‘no’?”
He couldn’t remember try as he might, he just could not recall not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained that he didn’t remember as well as he used to then he reviewed the lovely evening past.
As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, “When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘Yes’ or did you say ‘No’?”
He was delighted to hear her say, “Why, I said, ‘Yes, yes I will’ and I meant it with all my heart.”
Then she continued, “I am so glad that you called, because I couldn’t remember who had asked me!”
A woman was cutting her husband’s thinning hair
After a long sermon
24.
A couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar.
She recognized him as an old flame.
“Honey,” she said to her husband, as she pointed out the man, “that guy at the bar has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago.”
Her husband said, “That’s silly, no one celebrates that much!”
A little boy comes down for breakfast
Joey was asked by his mother
A couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar.
She recognized him as an old flame.
“Honey,” she said to her husband, as she pointed out the man, “that guy at the bar has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago.”
Her husband said, “That’s silly, no one celebrates that much!”
A little boy comes down for breakfast
Joey was asked by his mother
25.
After a tiring day, a young lady settled down in her local train seat and closed her eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her, pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice.
“Hi Sweetheart, its john, I’m on the Train”
“Yes, I know it’s Six thirty and not four thirty, but I had A Long Meeting”
“No, honey, I was not with Cathy from the Accounts Office, I was with the Boss attending the meeting”
“No Sweetheart,
You’re the only one in My life”
“Yes, I’m sure dear”.
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.
When the Young Woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone,
“John darling, hang up the phone and come back to bed.”
That was the last time john used his cell phone in Public.
A elderly couple was celebrating their anniversary
A man and his wife were awakened
After a tiring day, a young lady settled down in her local train seat and closed her eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her, pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice.
“Hi Sweetheart, its john, I’m on the Train”
“Yes, I know it’s Six thirty and not four thirty, but I had A Long Meeting”
“No, honey, I was not with Cathy from the Accounts Office, I was with the Boss attending the meeting”
“No Sweetheart,
You’re the only one in My life”
“Yes, I’m sure dear”.
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.
When the Young Woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone,
“John darling, hang up the phone and come back to bed.”
That was the last time john used his cell phone in Public.
A elderly couple was celebrating their anniversary
A man and his wife were awakened
26.
An old lady was stopped to pull into a parking space, when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for.
The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, “I was going to park there!”
The man was a real smart alec and he said, “That’s what you can do when you’re young and bright.”
“Well, this really upset the lady, even more, So she got in her car and backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed straight into his Mercedes.”
The young man ran back to his car and asked, “What did you do that for?”
The little old lady smiled and told him, “That’s what you can do when you’re old and rich!”
A man is skydiving enjoying
A waitress comes to take his order
An old lady was stopped to pull into a parking space, when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for.
The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, “I was going to park there!”
The man was a real smart alec and he said, “That’s what you can do when you’re young and bright.”
“Well, this really upset the lady, even more, So she got in her car and backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed straight into his Mercedes.”
The young man ran back to his car and asked, “What did you do that for?”
The little old lady smiled and told him, “That’s what you can do when you’re old and rich!”
A man is skydiving enjoying
A waitress comes to take his order
27.
An elderly couple, a priest, and a doctor walk into a bar
As they are sitting down and drinking, they eventually start talking about conception and the question of.
“When does life begin”.
The priest said in the Bible states that life begins at conception Jeremiah 1:5
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you”. This is God’s word so it is true.
The doctor looked at the priest funny and said, “You cannot be serious, I have been in practice for years and life begins at birth when you breathe your first breath of air.”
The priest and doctor continue to argue their point and as others began to shift their attention to their conversation, the old man spoke.
“You are both wrong, my wife and I fully agree that life begins when your kids finally move out of the house”.
Santa and his two friends are talking at a bar
A old woman was arrested for shoplifting
An elderly couple, a priest, and a doctor walk into a bar
As they are sitting down and drinking, they eventually start talking about conception and the question of.
“When does life begin”.
The priest said in the Bible states that life begins at conception Jeremiah 1:5
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you”. This is God’s word so it is true.
The doctor looked at the priest funny and said, “You cannot be serious, I have been in practice for years and life begins at birth when you breathe your first breath of air.”
The priest and doctor continue to argue their point and as others began to shift their attention to their conversation, the old man spoke.
“You are both wrong, my wife and I fully agree that life begins when your kids finally move out of the house”.
Santa and his two friends are talking at a bar
A old woman was arrested for shoplifting
28.
A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates
Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, ‘Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?’
The guy replies,’ I’ m Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston.’
Saint Peter consults his list.
He smiles and says to the pilot, ‘Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.’
The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next, it’s the priest’s turn
He stands self enjoyment and booms out, ‘I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last 43 years.’
Saint Peter consults his list.
He says to the priest, ‘Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.’
Just a minute, ‘says the good father.
‘That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood.
How can this be? ‘Up here we go by results,’ says Saint Peter.
‘When you preached people slept when he flew, people prayed.’
There was an old man who had a dream
A man celebrating his 100th birthday
A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates
Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, ‘Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?’
The guy replies,’ I’ m Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston.’
Saint Peter consults his list.
He smiles and says to the pilot, ‘Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.’
The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next, it’s the priest’s turn
He stands self enjoyment and booms out, ‘I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last 43 years.’
Saint Peter consults his list.
He says to the priest, ‘Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.’
Just a minute, ‘says the good father.
‘That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood.
How can this be? ‘Up here we go by results,’ says Saint Peter.
‘When you preached people slept when he flew, people prayed.’
There was an old man who had a dream
A man celebrating his 100th birthday
29.
Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself.
Shirley says, “Sophie, you know I’m shy. Why don’t you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely.”
Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, “Excuse me, mister. I hope I’m not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely.”
“Of course I’m lonely,” he says.
“I’ve spent the past 20 years in prison.”
“You’re kidding! What for?”
“For killing my third wife. I strangled her.”
“What happened to your second wife?”
“I shot her.”
“And, if I may ask, your first wife?”
“We had a fight and she fell off a building.”
“Oh my,” says Sophie.
Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, “Yoo-hoo, Shirley. He’s single.”
A young farm girl answers the door
A blonde went to her doctor
Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself.
Shirley says, “Sophie, you know I’m shy. Why don’t you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely.”
Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, “Excuse me, mister. I hope I’m not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely.”
“Of course I’m lonely,” he says.
“I’ve spent the past 20 years in prison.”
“You’re kidding! What for?”
“For killing my third wife. I strangled her.”
“What happened to your second wife?”
“I shot her.”
“And, if I may ask, your first wife?”
“We had a fight and she fell off a building.”
“Oh my,” says Sophie.
Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, “Yoo-hoo, Shirley. He’s single.”
A young farm girl answers the door
A blonde went to her doctor
30.
A man and a woman are sleeping together when suddenly there is a noise in the house,
and the woman rolls over and says, “It’s my husband, you have to leave!”
The man jumps out of bed, jumps through the window, crawls through the bushes, and out on the street, when he realizes something.
He goes back to the house and says to the woman, “Wait, I’m your husband!”
She replies giving him a dirty look, “So why did you run?”
A husband asks his wife
One night at a dance club
A man and a woman are sleeping together when suddenly there is a noise in the house,
and the woman rolls over and says, “It’s my husband, you have to leave!”
The man jumps out of bed, jumps through the window, crawls through the bushes, and out on the street, when he realizes something.
He goes back to the house and says to the woman, “Wait, I’m your husband!”
She replies giving him a dirty look, “So why did you run?”
A husband asks his wife
One night at a dance club
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eng jokes