Funny jokes to make your teacher laugh 07

1.



A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.
“How wonderful! But I hope you don’t mind me asking what happened to your first husband?”
“He ate poisonous mushrooms and died.”
“Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?”
“He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died.”
“Oh, how terrible! I’m almost afraid to ask you about your third husband.”
“He died of a broken neck.”
“A broken neck?”
“He wouldn’t eat the mushrooms.”
A new soldier was on sentry duty
The old Josh was sat in his garden

2.



Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be go to through Heaven.
The angel at the gate tells them “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven”.
The first guy says “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times”.
The angel gives him an old model pick up, the second guy says “11 years and only once” and is granted a Mercedes.
The last man says “20 years and not once , I loved her with all my heart” and with the angel impressed he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men.
Hours later the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says ” I know we are dead but it could be much worse”.
The guy looks up and says “How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard”
3 Archers are competing at a contest
Three construction workers where sitting on the bridge

3.



John walks into his 5th floor apartment after a long day of work, he exhaustively sinks into his favorite arm chair, puts up his footrest, turns on the TV, and turns to his wife Hannah,
“Honey, please get me a hard drink, I think it’s about to start.”
Hannah rolls her eyes, heads to the kitchen, takes out a beer from the fridge, and brings it to John.
“Honey”, said John, two minutes later, “please get me another one quickly before it starts.”
“WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU LAZY GOOD FOR NOTHING!”
Hannah exclaimed, “DO YOU THINK I’M YOUR PERSONAL WAITER!? YOU PLOP YOURSELF DOWN ON YOUR EASY CHAIR AND EXPECT ME TO BE ON YOUR BECK AND CALL!? IS THAT ALL I’M GOOD FOR!?
John sighs, and mutters under his breath, “it started….”
A wife was sitting peacefully
A man wasn’t feeling well

4.



A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce
The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, “Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car
You got a phone in your Rolls? I’ve got one in my Yugo!”
The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, “Yes I have a phone.”
The driver of the Yugo says, “Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I’ve got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!”
The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, “Yes, I have a refrigerator.”
The driver of the Yugo says, “That’s great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!”
The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, “Of course I have a television
A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!”
The driver of the Yugo says, “Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!”
Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls.
The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car
The bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim
It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.
So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day
Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside.
The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo
When there wasn’t any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.
“I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce,” the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.
The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, “You got me out of the shower for that?!”
There was a prince
Two roosters fought for supremacy

5.



There were three ducks swiming in a pond one night after midnight and got arrested for trespassing.
They were called to apper in court the next day so the judge called up duck #1 and asked what were you doing in a pond swiming after midnight the duck said “blowing bubbles”.
So then the judge called up duck #2 and asked the same question and the duck said “blowing bubbles”.
Then the judge called up duck #3 and said let me guess you were blowing bubbles to and the duck said “No I am BUBBLES“
Young woman ran up to me at the cemetery
I wake up and my dog is with a rabbit in her mouth

6.



A policeman pulled over a car, walked up to the driver’s window, and asked the man if he knew why he was pulled over. “No,” the man replied.
“You failed to stop at the stop sign,” the cop explained.
“But I did slow down!” the guy argued.
The cop shook his head.
“You are required to stop. That’s why they’re called stop signs.”
The man started to get belligerent. “Stop, slow down what’s the difference?”
The cop pulled out his baton. “I can show you. I’m going to start hitting you with my baton. You tell me if you want me to stop or slow down.”
The mother asked the doctor
A little girl asked her mother

7.



A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.”
“The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.”
“And that’s how you built an empire?” the boy asked.
“Heavens, no!” the man replied. “Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”
The pretty teacher was concerned
A man and a woman were dating

8.



A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town.
While walking through the streets on a quiet Sunday morning, he came upon a large crowd gathered by the side of the road.
Going by instinct, the lawyer figured that there was some sort of auto collision.
He was eager to get to the injured parties but couldn’t get near the car.
Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, “Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim.”
The crowd made way for him.
Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
A elderly guy gets pulled over by a speed cop
The animals of the forest are having a meeting

9.



A man is talking to his best friend about married life.
“You know,” he says, “I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me.
But there’s always that doubt.”
His friend says, “Yeah, I know what you mean.”
A couple of weeks later the man has to go out of town on business.
Before he goes, he gets together with his friend.
“While I’m away, could you do me a favor?
Could you watch my house and see if there is anything fishy going on?
I mean, I trust my wife but there’s always that doubt.”
The friend agrees to help out, and the man leaves town.
Two weeks later he comes back and meets his friend.
“So did anything happen?”
“I have some bad news for you,” says the friend.
“The day after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house.
The horn honked and your wife ran out and got into the car and they drove away.
Later, after dark, the car came back.
I saw your wife and a strange man get out.
They went into the house and I saw a light go on, so I ran over and looked in the window.
Your wife was kissing the man.
Then he took off his shirt.
Then she took off her top.
Then they turned off the light.”
“Then what happened?” says the man.
“I don’t know. It was too dark to see.”
“Damn, you see what I mean?
There’s always that doubt.
One day Emma came home and asked her mother
Johnny went to confession

10.



A blonde is pregnant, and is practically 9 months along.
She goes to see her doctor for a routine check-up, but she is worried.
She asks, “What if the baby starts coming, and I can’t get to the hospital in time?”
The doctor replies, “Well, woman have been having babies for a million years without an attendance by doctors.
It’s a very natural process.
The first thing you do is to assume the same position you were laying in when you got pregnant.”
The blonde interrupts with,
“Do you mean with the left foot in the glove compartment and the right foot hanging out the window
The pick-up couple was relaxing after lovemaking
Timmy wanted to sleep with his parents

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11.



Reporter: “Excuse me, may I interview you?”
Man: “Yes!” Reporter: “Name?” Man: “Abdul Al-Rhazim.”
Reporter: “make love?”
Man: “Three to five times a week.”
Reporter: “No no! I mean male or female?”
Man: “Yes, male, female… sometimes camel.”
Reporter: “Holy cow!”
Man: “Yes, cow, sheep… animals in general.”
Reporter: “But isn’t that hostile?”
Man: “Yes, horse style, dog style, any style.”
Reporter: “Oh dear!”
Man: “No, no deer. Deer run too fast.
Hard to catch.
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad
What bird can do more that others

12.



A young couple decided to wed.
As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive.
Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.
The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice.
“Father,” he said, “I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage.
I love my fiancee, very much, but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I’m afraid that my future wife will be put off by them.”
“No problem,” said dad, “all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed.”
Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.
The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up her mom.
“Mom,” she said, “When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful.”
“Honey,” her mother consoled, “everyone has bad breath in the morning.”
“No, you don’t understand. My morning breath is so bad, I’m afraid that my new husband will not want to sleep in the same room with me.”
Her mother said simply, “Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the bathroom and brush your teeth.
The key is, not to say a word until you’ve brushed your teeth. Not a word,” her mother affirmed.
Well, she thought it was certainly worth a try.
The loving couple were finally married in a beautiful ceremony.
Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well.
That is, until about six months later.
Shortly before dawn, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off.
Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed.
This, of course, woke his bride and without thinking, she immediately asks, “What on earth are you doing?”
“Oh, no!” he gasped in shock, “You’ve swallowed my sock!”
The bride tells her husband
A wife told her dream to her husband

13.



Wanda’s dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman.
Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the key under the mat fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a cheque.
“Oh, by the way don’t worry about my dog Spike he won’t bother you but, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!
“I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!”
When the repairman arrived at Wanda’s apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen.
But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!”
To which the parrot replied, “Get him Spike!”
See – Men just don’t listen!
A Buddhist monk
Father was a hardworking man

14.



After 50 Years of Marriage, A Couple Was in Bed at Night, Then Wife Felt Something
A man enters a police station and says to the officer

15.



A family goes to the zoo and when they get there, they decide to split up so they can see more animals.
The little boy goes with his mother, and after they walk for a bit he points and says, “Mommy, what’s that?!”
She tells him that it’s a monkey.
Soon after he points again, asking “Mommy, what’s that?”
She tells him that it’s a giraffe…and on an on, until they get to the elephant, when he points and says “Mommy, what’s that?”
She says “That’s an elephant!”, but he points underneath the elephant and says “No, Mommy, what’s that?”
She sees where he is pointing, gets embarrassed, looks away, and says “That’s nothing, sweetie, that’s nothing.”
A while later the family meets back up, and the boy begins walking the zoo with his father.
They walk for a bit and the boy asks “Dad, what’s that?” “Well, son, that’s a bear.”
A bit later, “Dad, what’s that?” “That’s a penguin!” …and on and on, until they arrive once again at the elephant, when the son points and says “Dad, what’s that?” “Well, son, that’s an Elephant.”
The boy shakes his head and says, “No, Dad, I mean underneath”, so the dad looks where he is pointing and says,
“That’s the elephant’s p**is, son.”
“Well, how come when I asked Mom she said it was nothing?”
The father thinks for a moment, then says, “Son, I’ve spoiled that woman.
I recall my first time with a protection
A man sat in the confession booth in church

16.



A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine.
Out of the blue, the wife says, “I love you!”
“Is that you or the wine talking?” asks the husband.
“It’s me,” says the wife.
“Talking to the wine.”
A couple attended marriage counseling
He staggers into the bedroom

17.



A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.
The bartender looks at him and says, “What’ll it be buddy?”
The man says, “Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles.”
The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served.
Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he’s doing all this drinking.
“You’d drink them this fast too if you had what I have.”
The bartender hastily asks, “What do you have pal?”
The man quickly replies, “I have a dollar.”
A psychiatrist met an old patient
Two little kids are in a hospital

18.



“You’ve got a rare disease and you’ve only got 6 months to live,” the doc tells him.
The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he’s going to get a second opinion.
He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news.
Patient is in shock and asks if there’s anything he should do.
The doctor pauses a moment and says, “Can I give you some non-medical advice?”
“Sure, anything, Doc I’m desperate!”
“Do you have a girlfriend?” the doctor asks.
“Nope, been single for years,” says the patient.
“Well,” says the doctor, “I encourage you to find a girlfriend. Go shopping with her, listen to all of her complaints and problems, get involved with every thing she does and completely immerse yourself into her I mean, EVERY aspect of her you can.”
The patient perks up and is feeling hopeful.
“Will that extend my life?!”
“No,” says the doctor, “But it’ll be the longest darn 6 months you’ve ever had.”
Two older lady decide to meet for tea
A poor boy and rich girl

19.



A Russian couple are walking when it begins to precipitate.
The man, Rudolph tells his wife it is raining but she insists that it is snowing.
Again and again she says that it is snowing but again and again he says that it is raining.
Once more she says to him, Rudolph, it definitely is snowing to which he replies, “Rudolph the red knows rain dear”.
A wife told her dream to her husband
A queer couple celebrating birthday

20.



I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: “Hi, how are you?”
I’m not the type to start a conversation in the men’s restroom, but I don’t know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, ‘I’m doing just fine.”
And the other guy says: “So, what are you up to?”
What kind of question is that? At that point, I’m thinking this is too bizarre so I say: “Uhhh, I’m just traveling for work.”
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
“Can I come over?”
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation.
I tell him, “No…..I’m a little busy right now!”
Then I hear the guy say nervously listen, I’ll have to call you back
Some guy is in the other stall answering all my questions.”
A photographer from a well known
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying

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21.



A wealthy man walked into a bar in Miami.
As soon as he entered, he noticed an old woman, sitting in one corner.
He walked over to the counter, removed his wallet and shouted,
“Bartender! I’m buying drinks for everyone in this bar, except that woman over there!”
The bartender collected the money and began serving free drinks to everyone in the bar, except the old woman.
Instead of becoming upset, the woman simply looked up at the guy and shouted, “Thank you!”
This infuriated the wealthy guy.
So once again, he took out his wallet and shouted,
“Waiter! This time I am buying bottles of wine and additional food for everyone in this bar, except for that African sitting in the corner over there!”
The bartender collected the money from the man and began serving free food and wine to everyone in the bar except the old woman.
When the waiter finished serving the food and drinks, the Old woman simply smiled at the man and said, Thank you!”
That made him furious.
So he leaned over the counter and asked the bartender,
“What is wrong with that woman? I have bought food and drinks for everyone in this bar except for her, and instead of becoming angry, she just sits there, smiles at me and shouts ‘Thank you.’ Is she mad”
The bartender smiled at the wealthy man and said, “No, she is not mad. She is the OWNER of this Restaurant.”
The teacher told her class
A man tells his doctor

22.



One day, he told his problem to a friend he worked with at Walmart.
His friend told him, “There is a possibility to make the truck easier to sell, but it’s not legal.”
“That doesn’t matter,” replied Billy Bob, “I really need to sell the truck.”
“Okay,” said Billy Bob’s friend.
“Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a repair shop tell him I sent you and he will turn the odometer in your truck back to 50,000 miles then it should not be a problem to sell it anymore.”
The following weekend, Billy Bob made the trip to the mechanic.
Two weeks later the friend asked Billy Bob, “Did you sell your truck?”
“No,” replied Billy Bob, “Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!”
A milkman who is dying in the hospital
I joined an online dating site and met a girl

23.



An elderly man goes into a night house and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.
Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
“I’m 90 years old,” he says.
“90!” replies the woman.
“Don’t you realize you’ve had it?”
“Oh, sorry,” says the old man, “how much do I owe you?”
A Scotsman drinking in a Havana bar
Jack goes to the doctor

24.



A boy is visiting his girlfriend’s parents for the first time.
He’s looking for a drinking glass when he notices a row of cups in the cabinet, each of them inscribed with what seems like half words.
He picks one of them down just as girlfriend’s mom walks in, and he asks her what the cups are for.
“Oh those. They’re family cups, one for each member, but my eyesight has gotten so bad I can no longer tell which is which, so I wrote on them to help myself.”
She pulls one cup down that says “HIC-” holding it out to the man
“This is for little Thomas, it holds just enough water to help cure his hiccups, so I wrote HIC on it, it’s the HIC-cup!”
She then pulls down another cup “This is for Angela, but it says BREA. whenever she’s heartbroken she likes to drink hot toddy, so this is her BREA-Cup.”
“Ahh, okay I see it now.” Says the boy “But doesn’t your husband have his own cup?”
“Oh he does” The mom replies “It’s the large one that says ‘SHUTTHEFU’ on it…”
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson
Three ladies walked into a bar

25.



Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip…
After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
“Watson…look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied, “I see millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?”
Watson pondered this for a minute.
“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: “Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!”
3 nuns go to mother superior and say
A boy is visiting his girlfriend’s parents

26.



A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun.
Enamored with her, he asks if he can have make love with her.
Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus.
The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have make love with the nun.
“Well,” says the bus driver, “every night at 8 o’clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray.
If you dress up as God, I’m sure you could convince her to have make love with you.”
The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume.
At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.
“Oh, God!” she exclaims.
“Take me with you!”
The man tells the nun that she must first have make love with him to prove her loyalty.
The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal lovemaking.
Before you know it, they’re getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud make love.
After it’s over, the man pulls off his God disguise.
“Ha, ha!” he says, “I’m the man from the bus!”
“Ha, ha!” says the nun, removing her costume, “I’m the bus driver!”
A old man goes to a church
The teacher asked her a question

27.



A secretary goes to the company stockroom and requisitions a box of pens.
The clerk fumbles around for a bit and then hands her a box of ballpoints.
The secretary returns to her desk, takes out a new pen and begins to write.
The pen skips and then stops giving out any ink.
Frustrated, she tries another pen and then another and another.
None of them work.
Returning to the stockroom, she slams down the box of defective pens and demands, “Why did you give me a box of pens that don’t work?”
The clerk answers, “Well, somebody has to use them!”
A little silver-haired lady
A man is in court for murder

28.



Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment.
His wife was standing nearby watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks:
“Tim, I’ve been thinking, now that we’re married maybe it’s time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. You could probably get a good price for your clubs.”
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, “Darling, what’s wrong?”
“For a minute there you were beginning to sound like my ex-wife.”
“Ex-wife!” she screams,
“I didn’t know you were married before!”
“I wasn’t,” he replied.
A young couple came into the church office
A couple was relating their vacation experiences

29.



An accountant was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local night house.
When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, “Is this a union house?”
“No, I’m sorry, it isn’t.”
“Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?”
“The house gets $80 and the girls get $20.”
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.
His search continued until finally he reached a night house where the madame said, “Why yes, this is a union house.”
“And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?”
“The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.”
“That’s more like it!” the man said.
He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. “I’d like her for the night.”
“I’m sure you would, sir,” said the madame, gesturing to a fat 50-year-old woman in the corner, “but Ethel here has seniority.”
Three old men are discussing
A guy dials his home phone from work

30.



A man and a woman are sitting next to each other at a bar getting drunk.
The man turns to the woman and asks her why she’s so down.
“My husband just left me. He said I’m too kinky in bed,” she said.
“What a coincidence! My wife just left me,” said the man, “she told me that I was too kinky for her, too!”
The two talk a little while longer, and finding that they have so much in common they decide to go back to the woman’s house to have kinky make love.
When they get to the woman’s house she turns to the man and says, “Give me ten minutes, I want to slip into something more comfortable.”
She goes into the bathroom and changes into a full leather dominatrix outfit.
However, as she is coming out of her bathroom, the man is putting on his coat and walking out the door.
“What happened?” She said, “I thought you wanted to have kinky lovemaking?”
He looks at her and says, “Well, I just bang your dog and shit in your purse. I’m done.”
A young teen aged girl was a call girl
A young girl went to her family doctor