1.
Jeff was fast asleep in his at bed at 3:00 am when he heard an urgent knocking at the door.
Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes he made his way to the door.
Can you give me a push, asked the man at the door.
Jeff looked at the man, thinking he looked a bit drunk, slammed the door in his face and went back to bed.
Shame on you, said his wife Sally, when hearing the story.
You remember on our vacation how our car got stuck in the middle of the night and that man helped us, go out there and push his car.
So Jeff trudges back out of bed, opens the door, and calls out OK I’m here to give you a push, where are you?I’m over here in the back came the voice on the swing.
A drunk phoned the local police
Jerry was in the hospital recovering
Jeff was fast asleep in his at bed at 3:00 am when he heard an urgent knocking at the door.
Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes he made his way to the door.
Can you give me a push, asked the man at the door.
Jeff looked at the man, thinking he looked a bit drunk, slammed the door in his face and went back to bed.
Shame on you, said his wife Sally, when hearing the story.
You remember on our vacation how our car got stuck in the middle of the night and that man helped us, go out there and push his car.
So Jeff trudges back out of bed, opens the door, and calls out OK I’m here to give you a push, where are you?I’m over here in the back came the voice on the swing.
A drunk phoned the local police
Jerry was in the hospital recovering
2.
Little Bob went with his mom to church every Sunday.
One morning in the middle of the service Bob complained that he was feeling a bit queasy and was afraid he was going to puke.
“No problem dear,” whispered his Mom in his ear, “just head on over to the bathroom on the other side of the Church, and take care of it there.”
Thirty seconds later Bob came back.
“Did you go to the bathroom?” question his Mom.
“No need” responded Bob.
“Right outside the door was a big box with a sign next to it ‘for the sick’, so I just did it in there!”
A man named Marty called his son
Marry was truly a religious woman
Little Bob went with his mom to church every Sunday.
One morning in the middle of the service Bob complained that he was feeling a bit queasy and was afraid he was going to puke.
“No problem dear,” whispered his Mom in his ear, “just head on over to the bathroom on the other side of the Church, and take care of it there.”
Thirty seconds later Bob came back.
“Did you go to the bathroom?” question his Mom.
“No need” responded Bob.
“Right outside the door was a big box with a sign next to it ‘for the sick’, so I just did it in there!”
A man named Marty called his son
Marry was truly a religious woman
3.
Frank went to the gym as he wants to loose weight to get a girlfriend.
The receptionist gave him some promotion pack options of “loose 1kg guaranteed”, “loose 3 kg guaranteed”, “loose 5kg guaranteed” and “loose 10kg guarantees”.
However you must do 1 then 3 then 5 then 10.
He accepted the offer and the receptionist told him to wait at home.
The next day, the doorbell rang.
Frank opened the door to a hot girl standing with a sign around her neck saying “catch me and I’m yours”.
The girl took off and Frank went running after her for 10km.
Unable to catch, he went back home.
After the exhaustion wore off, he found that he lost 1 kg.
Delighted, he immediately went back to the gym and signed up for the 3kg package.
The next day, the doorbell rang again.
Frank opened the door to an even hotter girl, shirtless with the same sign.
Again, she took off and he ran after her. This time for 20km.
Frank was again unable to catch.
So he went home disappointed, until he found that he lost 3kg.
So again, he went back to the gym for round 3, 5kg.
The next day, the doorbell rang.
It was an even hotter girl, only wearing corset, thongs and running shoes with a sign, “catch me and I’m yours”.
He chased her until sunset, nearly catching her.
He went home excited.
Finding himself loosing 5kg, and that he’d catch the next one, maybe a completely undressed hot women.
He went to the gym for the 10kg package.
He turned around to find a buffed bodybuilder with a sign around his neck.
“Catch you, and you’re mine.”
Three Nuns Are Talking
One day, there were two boys
Frank went to the gym as he wants to loose weight to get a girlfriend.
The receptionist gave him some promotion pack options of “loose 1kg guaranteed”, “loose 3 kg guaranteed”, “loose 5kg guaranteed” and “loose 10kg guarantees”.
However you must do 1 then 3 then 5 then 10.
He accepted the offer and the receptionist told him to wait at home.
The next day, the doorbell rang.
Frank opened the door to a hot girl standing with a sign around her neck saying “catch me and I’m yours”.
The girl took off and Frank went running after her for 10km.
Unable to catch, he went back home.
After the exhaustion wore off, he found that he lost 1 kg.
Delighted, he immediately went back to the gym and signed up for the 3kg package.
The next day, the doorbell rang again.
Frank opened the door to an even hotter girl, shirtless with the same sign.
Again, she took off and he ran after her. This time for 20km.
Frank was again unable to catch.
So he went home disappointed, until he found that he lost 3kg.
So again, he went back to the gym for round 3, 5kg.
The next day, the doorbell rang.
It was an even hotter girl, only wearing corset, thongs and running shoes with a sign, “catch me and I’m yours”.
He chased her until sunset, nearly catching her.
He went home excited.
Finding himself loosing 5kg, and that he’d catch the next one, maybe a completely undressed hot women.
He went to the gym for the 10kg package.
He turned around to find a buffed bodybuilder with a sign around his neck.
“Catch you, and you’re mine.”
Three Nuns Are Talking
One day, there were two boys
4.
A boss says to his secretary, “we are travelling abroad for the week so make arrangements.”
The secretary makes call to her husband, “my boss and i will be travelling abroad for some reasons.”
The secretary husband makes call to her secret lover, “my wife is travelling for the weekend so come to my house so that we can be together.”
The secret lover makes call to the child she’s teaching lesson, “i will not be at home this week so don’t come for lesson.”
The child makes call to his grandpa “grandpa, my lesson teacher is not around so i’ll use the weekend with you.”
Then grandpa makes call to his secretary “my grandson is coming to use his weekend with me so we are not travelling again.”
The secretary makes call to her husband, “my boss said his grandson is coming to use weekend with him, so our trip is cancelled.”
The husband makes a call to secret lover, “We cannot spend the week together, my wife has cancelled her trip.”
The secret lover makes a call to little boy, “We will still have classes as usual this week.”
The little boy makes a call to his grandfather, “Grandpa! I’m sorry we won’t be able to spend the week together. My teacher called and said that I have to attend classes.”
The grandpa makes a call to his secretary, “Change of plans! My grandson is no more coming. So we are still travelling this week. Make arrangements.”
A old man and a 20 year old are paired together
Three women friends met for drinks after work
A boss says to his secretary, “we are travelling abroad for the week so make arrangements.”
The secretary makes call to her husband, “my boss and i will be travelling abroad for some reasons.”
The secretary husband makes call to her secret lover, “my wife is travelling for the weekend so come to my house so that we can be together.”
The secret lover makes call to the child she’s teaching lesson, “i will not be at home this week so don’t come for lesson.”
The child makes call to his grandpa “grandpa, my lesson teacher is not around so i’ll use the weekend with you.”
Then grandpa makes call to his secretary “my grandson is coming to use his weekend with me so we are not travelling again.”
The secretary makes call to her husband, “my boss said his grandson is coming to use weekend with him, so our trip is cancelled.”
The husband makes a call to secret lover, “We cannot spend the week together, my wife has cancelled her trip.”
The secret lover makes a call to little boy, “We will still have classes as usual this week.”
The little boy makes a call to his grandfather, “Grandpa! I’m sorry we won’t be able to spend the week together. My teacher called and said that I have to attend classes.”
The grandpa makes a call to his secretary, “Change of plans! My grandson is no more coming. So we are still travelling this week. Make arrangements.”
A old man and a 20 year old are paired together
Three women friends met for drinks after work
5.
While teaching religion class one morning Sister Bridgette was speaking to her 3rd-grade class and she asked the question, “When you die and go to heaven… which part of your body goes first?
Suzy raised her hand and said, “I think it’s your hands.”
“Why do you think it’s your hands, Suzy?” said Sister.
Susie replied, “Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.”
“What a wonderful answer!” the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “Sister, I think it’s your legs”.
Sister Bridgette looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
“Now Little Johnnie, why would you think it would be your legs?”
Little Johnny said, “Well I walked into mommy and daddy’s bedroom the other night……
Mommy had her legs straight up in the air, and she was saying, “OH GOD, I’M COMING!”.
If daddy hadn’t pinned her down, we’d have lost her!”
The expensive printer photocopier
Larry a local football star
While teaching religion class one morning Sister Bridgette was speaking to her 3rd-grade class and she asked the question, “When you die and go to heaven… which part of your body goes first?
Suzy raised her hand and said, “I think it’s your hands.”
“Why do you think it’s your hands, Suzy?” said Sister.
Susie replied, “Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.”
“What a wonderful answer!” the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “Sister, I think it’s your legs”.
Sister Bridgette looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
“Now Little Johnnie, why would you think it would be your legs?”
Little Johnny said, “Well I walked into mommy and daddy’s bedroom the other night……
Mommy had her legs straight up in the air, and she was saying, “OH GOD, I’M COMING!”.
If daddy hadn’t pinned her down, we’d have lost her!”
The expensive printer photocopier
Larry a local football star
6.
A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her T-shirt open.
A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking, “Boy, my eyes must be going, it looks like that woman’s right fronts is hanging out.”
As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her front is hanging out.
When he gets face to face with her he says, “Ma’am, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?”
She says, “Why, officer?” “Well, your fronts is hanging out.”
She looks down and says “OMIGOD, I left the baby on the bus!”
A young female teacher wearing
One late Saturday night a young guy
A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her T-shirt open.
A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking, “Boy, my eyes must be going, it looks like that woman’s right fronts is hanging out.”
As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her front is hanging out.
When he gets face to face with her he says, “Ma’am, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?”
She says, “Why, officer?” “Well, your fronts is hanging out.”
She looks down and says “OMIGOD, I left the baby on the bus!”
A young female teacher wearing
One late Saturday night a young guy
7.
A woman saw an ad in the local newspaper which read: “Purebred Police Dog $25.”
Thinking that it to be a great bargain, she called and ordered the dog to be delivered.
The next day a van arrived at her home and delivered the mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen.
In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad, “How dare you call that mangy-mutt a purebred police dog?”
“Don’t let his looks deceive you, ma’am,” the man replied, “He’s in the Secret Service.”
A baby elephant and a baby turtle
A old man applies for a job as a woodcutter
A woman saw an ad in the local newspaper which read: “Purebred Police Dog $25.”
Thinking that it to be a great bargain, she called and ordered the dog to be delivered.
The next day a van arrived at her home and delivered the mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen.
In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad, “How dare you call that mangy-mutt a purebred police dog?”
“Don’t let his looks deceive you, ma’am,” the man replied, “He’s in the Secret Service.”
A baby elephant and a baby turtle
A old man applies for a job as a woodcutter
8.
Two friends are having drinks when they get into an argument about who enjoys lovemaking more.
The man says, “Men obviously enjoy make love more than women. We are completely obsessed with getting laid!”
“That doesn’t prove anything,” the woman countered.
“Think about this when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better your ear or your finger?”
A lady about eight months pregnant
A elderly man goes into a mental institution
Two friends are having drinks when they get into an argument about who enjoys lovemaking more.
The man says, “Men obviously enjoy make love more than women. We are completely obsessed with getting laid!”
“That doesn’t prove anything,” the woman countered.
“Think about this when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better your ear or your finger?”
A lady about eight months pregnant
A elderly man goes into a mental institution
9.
A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his make love life.
The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but he couldn’t get a clear picture of the problems.
Finally he asked, “Do you ever watch your girlfriend’s face while you’re having lovemaking?”
“Well, yes, I did once.”
“And how did she look?”
“Oh boy, she looked very angry!”
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere.
“Well that’s very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend’s face once during make love. That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?”
“She was watching us through the window.”
A elderly lady went to the doctor
A woman goes into a restaurant with 15 kids
A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his make love life.
The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but he couldn’t get a clear picture of the problems.
Finally he asked, “Do you ever watch your girlfriend’s face while you’re having lovemaking?”
“Well, yes, I did once.”
“And how did she look?”
“Oh boy, she looked very angry!”
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere.
“Well that’s very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend’s face once during make love. That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?”
“She was watching us through the window.”
A elderly lady went to the doctor
A woman goes into a restaurant with 15 kids
10.
Many years ago in a poor Chinese village, there lived a peasant with his son
His only material possession, apart from some land and a small straw hut, was a horse he had inherited from his father.
One day, the horse ran off, leaving the man with no animal with which to till the land.
His neighbors – who respected him greatly for his honesty and diligence – came to his house to say how much they regretted what had happened
He thanked them for their visit, but asked:
– How can you know that what has happened has been a misfortune in my life?
Someone mumbled to a friend: “he can’t accept reality, let him think what he wants, as long as he isn’t saddened by what happened.”
And the neighbors went off, pretending to agree with what they had heard.
A week later, the horse returned to the stable, but it was not alone; it brought with it a fine mare for company.
Upon hearing this, the villagers – who were flustered since they now understood the answer the man had given them – returned to the peasant’s house, in order to congratulate him on his good fortune.
– Before you had only one horse, and now you have two
Congratulations! – they said.
– Many thanks for your visit and for all your concern – answered the peasant
– But how can you know that what has happened has been a blessing in my life?
Disconcerted, and thinking he must be going mad, the neighbors went off, and on the way commented: “does he really not understand that God has sent him a gift?”
A month later, the peasant’s son decided to tame the mare
But the animal unexpectedly reared up and the boy fell and broke his leg.
The neighbors returned to the peasant’s house – bringing gifts for the wounded boy
The mayor of the village offered his condolences to the father, saying that all were very sad at what had happened.
Mummy is embarrassed by her sons
Jean was out walking with grandfather
Many years ago in a poor Chinese village, there lived a peasant with his son
His only material possession, apart from some land and a small straw hut, was a horse he had inherited from his father.
One day, the horse ran off, leaving the man with no animal with which to till the land.
His neighbors – who respected him greatly for his honesty and diligence – came to his house to say how much they regretted what had happened
He thanked them for their visit, but asked:
– How can you know that what has happened has been a misfortune in my life?
Someone mumbled to a friend: “he can’t accept reality, let him think what he wants, as long as he isn’t saddened by what happened.”
And the neighbors went off, pretending to agree with what they had heard.
A week later, the horse returned to the stable, but it was not alone; it brought with it a fine mare for company.
Upon hearing this, the villagers – who were flustered since they now understood the answer the man had given them – returned to the peasant’s house, in order to congratulate him on his good fortune.
– Before you had only one horse, and now you have two
Congratulations! – they said.
– Many thanks for your visit and for all your concern – answered the peasant
– But how can you know that what has happened has been a blessing in my life?
Disconcerted, and thinking he must be going mad, the neighbors went off, and on the way commented: “does he really not understand that God has sent him a gift?”
A month later, the peasant’s son decided to tame the mare
But the animal unexpectedly reared up and the boy fell and broke his leg.
The neighbors returned to the peasant’s house – bringing gifts for the wounded boy
The mayor of the village offered his condolences to the father, saying that all were very sad at what had happened.
Mummy is embarrassed by her sons
Jean was out walking with grandfather
📚 Recommended Posts
Buddha Inspirational Quotes 04A Pastor Who Shall We Say Was Funny
Learn And Grow Best Wisdom Quotes To
A 98 Year Old Mother Superior From
Fuel Your Fire With These Amazing
11.
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.
A sign comes up that reads “Low bridge ahead.”
Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck huh?”
The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”
A woman with a minor injury
A neighbor asked his friend
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.
A sign comes up that reads “Low bridge ahead.”
Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck huh?”
The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”
A woman with a minor injury
A neighbor asked his friend
12.
“A 24 year old boy seeing out from the train’s window shouted…
Dad smiled and a young couple sitting nearby, looked at the 24 year old’s childish behavior with pity, suddenly he again exclaimed.
‘Dad, look the clouds are running with us!’
The couple couldn’t resist and said to the old man…
‘Why don’t you take your son to a good doctor?’
The old man smiled and said…’I did and we are just coming from the hospital, my son was blind from birth, he just got his eyes today.’
Every single person on the planet has a story, Don’t judge people before you truly know them.
The truth might surprise you.”
The priest got a brilliant idea
Frank was excited about his new rifle
“A 24 year old boy seeing out from the train’s window shouted…
Dad smiled and a young couple sitting nearby, looked at the 24 year old’s childish behavior with pity, suddenly he again exclaimed.
‘Dad, look the clouds are running with us!’
The couple couldn’t resist and said to the old man…
‘Why don’t you take your son to a good doctor?’
The old man smiled and said…’I did and we are just coming from the hospital, my son was blind from birth, he just got his eyes today.’
Every single person on the planet has a story, Don’t judge people before you truly know them.
The truth might surprise you.”
The priest got a brilliant idea
Frank was excited about his new rifle
13.
A man was sick and tired of going to work everyday while his wife stayed at home; he wanted his wife to see what he goes through and so he prayed;
“Dear Lord, I go to work all day and put in eight hours while my wife stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please switch her body to mine for a day, as I take hers.
So God in His own infinite wisdom granted the man’s wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He cooked breakfast, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them, packed their lunch, took them to school, came back home, picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners, went grocery shopping, got home and put away the groceries, cleaned the cat’s little box and bathed the dog.
By then it was already 1:00pm.
He quickly went to make the bed, do the laundry, swept and mop the floor, ran to school to pick up the kids, got into an argument with one of them, set out milk and cookies and got the kids organised to do their home work.
He then set the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4.30pm, he began peeling potatoes and washed the vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chop and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, put them to bed.
Now He’s exhausted, and though his daily choice wasn’t over, he went to bed and was expected to make LOVE, which he managed to get through without complaints.
Early in the morning, he woke up and quickly knelt down by the bed and said: “LORD, I do not know what I was thinking, I was wrong to envy my wife being able to stay home all day. Please let’s trade again.
GOD answered: “Man I’d love to answer your prayers, but the time you made love last night, you got pregnant, so you have to wait for nine months to change.
A teacher was testing the children
She wanted to discuss
A man was sick and tired of going to work everyday while his wife stayed at home; he wanted his wife to see what he goes through and so he prayed;
“Dear Lord, I go to work all day and put in eight hours while my wife stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please switch her body to mine for a day, as I take hers.
So God in His own infinite wisdom granted the man’s wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He cooked breakfast, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them, packed their lunch, took them to school, came back home, picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners, went grocery shopping, got home and put away the groceries, cleaned the cat’s little box and bathed the dog.
By then it was already 1:00pm.
He quickly went to make the bed, do the laundry, swept and mop the floor, ran to school to pick up the kids, got into an argument with one of them, set out milk and cookies and got the kids organised to do their home work.
He then set the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4.30pm, he began peeling potatoes and washed the vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chop and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, put them to bed.
Now He’s exhausted, and though his daily choice wasn’t over, he went to bed and was expected to make LOVE, which he managed to get through without complaints.
Early in the morning, he woke up and quickly knelt down by the bed and said: “LORD, I do not know what I was thinking, I was wrong to envy my wife being able to stay home all day. Please let’s trade again.
GOD answered: “Man I’d love to answer your prayers, but the time you made love last night, you got pregnant, so you have to wait for nine months to change.
A teacher was testing the children
She wanted to discuss
14.
Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room.
One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs.
His bed was next to the room’s only window.
The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back.
The men talked for hours on end.
They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation.
Every afternoon when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window.
The man in the other bed began to live for those one hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside.
The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats.
Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.
As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene.
One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade passing by.
Although the other man couldn’t hear the band – he could see it in his mind’s eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words days and weeks passed.
One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep.
She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away.
As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window.
The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.
Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside.
He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside the bed.
It faced a blank wall.
The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window.
The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall.
She said, “Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you.”
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper
Three women die together
Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room.
One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs.
His bed was next to the room’s only window.
The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back.
The men talked for hours on end.
They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation.
Every afternoon when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window.
The man in the other bed began to live for those one hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside.
The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats.
Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.
As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene.
One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade passing by.
Although the other man couldn’t hear the band – he could see it in his mind’s eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words days and weeks passed.
One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep.
She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away.
As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window.
The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.
Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside.
He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside the bed.
It faced a blank wall.
The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window.
The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall.
She said, “Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you.”
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper
Three women die together
15.
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad.
She told her mother, “Jeff proposed to me an hour ago.”
“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.
“Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a hell.”
Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”
A father put his three year old daughter
A older couple wakes up
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad.
She told her mother, “Jeff proposed to me an hour ago.”
“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.
“Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a hell.”
Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”
A father put his three year old daughter
A older couple wakes up
16.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, “Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?”
The fairy godmother replied, “Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you.
Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?”
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:
“The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I’m living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.”
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said, “Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother.”
The fairy godmother replied, “It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?”
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
“I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.”
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned.
Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: “You have one more wish; what shall it be?”
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, “I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.”
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, “Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.”
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful!, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair.
He held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered…
“Bet you’re sorry you had me castrated.”
A man goes to the store to get a hot water bottle
An ugly old man in Mississippi was sitting
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, “Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?”
The fairy godmother replied, “Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you.
Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?”
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:
“The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I’m living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.”
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said, “Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother.”
The fairy godmother replied, “It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?”
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
“I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.”
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned.
Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: “You have one more wish; what shall it be?”
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, “I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.”
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, “Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.”
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful!, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair.
He held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered…
“Bet you’re sorry you had me castrated.”
A man goes to the store to get a hot water bottle
An ugly old man in Mississippi was sitting
17.
Two women are walking home from the bar, they both have to piss so they slip into a nearby cemetery.
One uses her underclothes to wipe herself, and the other uses a reef off a head stone.
Next night the husbands met at the bar, one looks at the other and says,
“I’m gonna have to watch my wife, she came home with no undergarment last night.”
The other one says, “Oh well, mine came home with a card wedged in her bum saying,
“You were loved and will be missed by the whole entire fire department.”
John was talking to his fiance
Two women are discussing
Two women are walking home from the bar, they both have to piss so they slip into a nearby cemetery.
One uses her underclothes to wipe herself, and the other uses a reef off a head stone.
Next night the husbands met at the bar, one looks at the other and says,
“I’m gonna have to watch my wife, she came home with no undergarment last night.”
The other one says, “Oh well, mine came home with a card wedged in her bum saying,
“You were loved and will be missed by the whole entire fire department.”
John was talking to his fiance
Two women are discussing
18.
An 82-year-old husband and 80-year wife went to breakfast at a restaurant,
Where the ‘seniors’ special’ was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.
‘Sounds good,’ the wife said.
‘But I don’t want the eggs.’ Said the old husband.
‘Then, I’ll have to charge you $3.49 because you’re ordering a la carte,’ the waitress warned her.
‘You mean I’d have to pay for not taking the eggs?’ wife asked incredulously.
‘YES!’ stated the waitress.
‘I’ll take the special then,’ wife said…
‘How do you want your eggs?’ the waitress asked.
‘Raw and in the shell,’ the wife replied.
She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.
A couple is dressed and ready
A rich tycoon and his wife are having dinner
An 82-year-old husband and 80-year wife went to breakfast at a restaurant,
Where the ‘seniors’ special’ was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.
‘Sounds good,’ the wife said.
‘But I don’t want the eggs.’ Said the old husband.
‘Then, I’ll have to charge you $3.49 because you’re ordering a la carte,’ the waitress warned her.
‘You mean I’d have to pay for not taking the eggs?’ wife asked incredulously.
‘YES!’ stated the waitress.
‘I’ll take the special then,’ wife said…
‘How do you want your eggs?’ the waitress asked.
‘Raw and in the shell,’ the wife replied.
She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.
A couple is dressed and ready
A rich tycoon and his wife are having dinner
19.
He went to buy a guard dog, but his wife was angry when he returned with a chihuahua.
So the guy goes to a pet shop and says to one of the employees, “I need a guard dog to protect my apartment”
The employee responds, “I have the perfect dog for you”, she then showed him a chihuahua.
The man was not impressed and said, “I need a dog that can guard our house and fend off burglars, a chihuahua can’t do that.”
“But this is no regular chihuahua It’s an attack chihuahua!”
The employee said, “Here, I’ll show you how it works! Attack chihuahua, chair”
The employee pointed at a chair, and the guy and the employee watched as the chihuahua destroyed the chair, leaving only splinters behind.
“Wow,” the guy said “But I still think we need a real guard dog.”
“Are you sure?” she responded “Here I’ll show you again attack chihuahua, table!”
She pointed to a table, and, again, the chihuahua absolutely destroyed the table.
The man said “Okay, okay, I’ll take it.”
When he brought it home, his wife was very angry.
“Why did you buy a chihuahua?!”
She yelled “Because” he responded, “this is no ordinary chihuahua, this is an attack chihuahua!”
“Attack chihuahua, my bum!”
Are you still going to that memory clinic
A old hillbilly farmer
He went to buy a guard dog, but his wife was angry when he returned with a chihuahua.
So the guy goes to a pet shop and says to one of the employees, “I need a guard dog to protect my apartment”
The employee responds, “I have the perfect dog for you”, she then showed him a chihuahua.
The man was not impressed and said, “I need a dog that can guard our house and fend off burglars, a chihuahua can’t do that.”
“But this is no regular chihuahua It’s an attack chihuahua!”
The employee said, “Here, I’ll show you how it works! Attack chihuahua, chair”
The employee pointed at a chair, and the guy and the employee watched as the chihuahua destroyed the chair, leaving only splinters behind.
“Wow,” the guy said “But I still think we need a real guard dog.”
“Are you sure?” she responded “Here I’ll show you again attack chihuahua, table!”
She pointed to a table, and, again, the chihuahua absolutely destroyed the table.
The man said “Okay, okay, I’ll take it.”
When he brought it home, his wife was very angry.
“Why did you buy a chihuahua?!”
She yelled “Because” he responded, “this is no ordinary chihuahua, this is an attack chihuahua!”
“Attack chihuahua, my bum!”
Are you still going to that memory clinic
A old hillbilly farmer
20.
“Brown bears are usually harmless they avoid contact with humans so we suggest you attach small bells to your rucksacks and give the bears time to get out of your way.”
However, grizzly bears are extremely dangerous.
If you see any grizzly bear droppings leave the area immediately.
“So how do we know if they’re grizzly bear droppings?” asks one of the ramblers.
“It’s easy,” replies the ranger.
“They’re full of small bells.”
He didn’t speak for two years
A old Man walked into the bank
“Brown bears are usually harmless they avoid contact with humans so we suggest you attach small bells to your rucksacks and give the bears time to get out of your way.”
However, grizzly bears are extremely dangerous.
If you see any grizzly bear droppings leave the area immediately.
“So how do we know if they’re grizzly bear droppings?” asks one of the ramblers.
“It’s easy,” replies the ranger.
“They’re full of small bells.”
He didn’t speak for two years
A old Man walked into the bank
📚 Recommended Posts
Buddha Inspirational Quotes 04A Pastor Who Shall We Say Was Funny
Learn And Grow Best Wisdom Quotes To
A 98 Year Old Mother Superior From
Fuel Your Fire With These Amazing
21.
Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says: “When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot.
When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times.”
The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila.
He grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar.
He turns to the other mice and replies: “Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home.
In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day.” The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.
The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, “I don’t have time for this bullshit.
I gotta go home and f*ck the cat.”
A man get a call girl
Three devout nuns were summoned
Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says: “When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot.
When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times.”
The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila.
He grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar.
He turns to the other mice and replies: “Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home.
In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day.” The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.
The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, “I don’t have time for this bullshit.
I gotta go home and f*ck the cat.”
A man get a call girl
Three devout nuns were summoned
22.
Johnny comes back from school crying
And says, “Mommy, all the kids in the school say I have a big head.”
His mother replies, “No, you don’t, Johnny.
You have a hideously deformed head.
The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings.”
A Father’s Last Request
Jack Falls Apart
Johnny comes back from school crying
And says, “Mommy, all the kids in the school say I have a big head.”
His mother replies, “No, you don’t, Johnny.
You have a hideously deformed head.
The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings.”
A Father’s Last Request
Jack Falls Apart
23.
A man was being interviewed for a job.
“Were you in the service?” ask the interviewer.
“Yes, I was a marine,” responded the applicant.
“Did you see any active duty?”
“I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability.”
“May I ask what happened?”
“Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles.”
“You’re hired. You can start Monday at 10 am.”
“When does everyone else start? I don’t want any preferential treatment because of my disability.”
“Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you.
Nothing gets done between 7 and 10.
We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first.”
Sarah was reading a newspaper
A man walks into a bank and says
A man was being interviewed for a job.
“Were you in the service?” ask the interviewer.
“Yes, I was a marine,” responded the applicant.
“Did you see any active duty?”
“I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability.”
“May I ask what happened?”
“Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles.”
“You’re hired. You can start Monday at 10 am.”
“When does everyone else start? I don’t want any preferential treatment because of my disability.”
“Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you.
Nothing gets done between 7 and 10.
We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first.”
Sarah was reading a newspaper
A man walks into a bank and says
24.
An elderly, faithful man died and went to heaven.
When he arrived, God said, “Welcome John! You’re wife has been waiting for you!”
Bursting in tears of joy, John started to run around, looking for her frantically.
God said, “Not so fast! We have a little gift for you!”
John inquired, “What is it?”
God said, “Turn around.”
Behind John was a hot, gleaming Lamborghini! John exclaimed, “Is this for me?”
God said, “Of course it is! It’s a gift for how faithful you were to your wife!
The more faithful you are to your partner, the better car you get!”
John said, “Thanks so much! I’m going to go look for her! Thanks again!”
John searches for hours and hours, but still couldn’t find her, so he decided to sleep on it and try again tomorrow.
John was driving around the next day, and saw a woman that looked a lot similar to his wife.
In fact, it was! But instead of running up to her, he started crying and drove away to God.
When John approached God, God asked, “Why are you crying? Didn’t you see your wife?”
John replied, “She was on a skateboard…”
Husband Scolds His Wife For Forgetting
Good Old Days
An elderly, faithful man died and went to heaven.
When he arrived, God said, “Welcome John! You’re wife has been waiting for you!”
Bursting in tears of joy, John started to run around, looking for her frantically.
God said, “Not so fast! We have a little gift for you!”
John inquired, “What is it?”
God said, “Turn around.”
Behind John was a hot, gleaming Lamborghini! John exclaimed, “Is this for me?”
God said, “Of course it is! It’s a gift for how faithful you were to your wife!
The more faithful you are to your partner, the better car you get!”
John said, “Thanks so much! I’m going to go look for her! Thanks again!”
John searches for hours and hours, but still couldn’t find her, so he decided to sleep on it and try again tomorrow.
John was driving around the next day, and saw a woman that looked a lot similar to his wife.
In fact, it was! But instead of running up to her, he started crying and drove away to God.
When John approached God, God asked, “Why are you crying? Didn’t you see your wife?”
John replied, “She was on a skateboard…”
Husband Scolds His Wife For Forgetting
Good Old Days
25.
A man hasn’t been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.
Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.
“I’m afraid I have some very bad news,” the doctor says: “You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.”
“Oh, that’s terrible!” says the man: “How long have I got?”
“You have 10,” the doctor says sadly.
“What do you mean, 10?” the man asks: “10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!”
“Nine, eight….”
A lady walks into the drug store
A blonde was driving down the road
A man hasn’t been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.
Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.
“I’m afraid I have some very bad news,” the doctor says: “You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.”
“Oh, that’s terrible!” says the man: “How long have I got?”
“You have 10,” the doctor says sadly.
“What do you mean, 10?” the man asks: “10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!”
“Nine, eight….”
A lady walks into the drug store
A blonde was driving down the road
26.
There are 4 guys standing on a bridge.
A chinese guy, russian guy, mexican guy, and an american guy.
The chinese threw off noodles.
They all asked, why did you do that? the chinese said, because we have to much of that in china.
The russian guy throws off vodka.
They asked why did you do that? he replies, we have to much of that in russia.
The mexican guy throws off a taco.
They asked why did you do that? he says, because we have to much of that in mexico.
The american…picks up the mexican, and throws him.
They all asked WHY DID YOU DO THAT!
The american replies, oh because we have tooooo many of “those” in america
Two boys go into a forest
A little girl that didn’t know
There are 4 guys standing on a bridge.
A chinese guy, russian guy, mexican guy, and an american guy.
The chinese threw off noodles.
They all asked, why did you do that? the chinese said, because we have to much of that in china.
The russian guy throws off vodka.
They asked why did you do that? he replies, we have to much of that in russia.
The mexican guy throws off a taco.
They asked why did you do that? he says, because we have to much of that in mexico.
The american…picks up the mexican, and throws him.
They all asked WHY DID YOU DO THAT!
The american replies, oh because we have tooooo many of “those” in america
Two boys go into a forest
A little girl that didn’t know
27.
Two men were waiting at a bus stop and struck up a conversation.
One of them started complaining about his family problems.
After listening for a while, the other man said,
“You think you have family problems? Let me tell you about mine…
A few years ago, I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter, and we got married.
Then, my dad married my stepdaughter.
That made my stepdaughter my stepmother, and my dad became my stepson-in-law. Also, my wife became the mother-in-law to her own father-in-law.
But it gets more complicated. My stepmother—who is my stepdaughter—had a son.
This boy is my half-brother because he’s my dad’s son, but he’s also my wife’s grandson.
That makes me the grandfather of my own half-brother!
It didn’t stop there. My wife and I later had a son.
So now, the half-sister of my son—my stepmother—is also his grandmother.
And my dad, who is his brother-in-law, is the stepbrother of my dad’s wife!”
The other man blinked, trying to process everything, before finally fainting from the confusion.
A elderly man who sold flowers in a small town
A older man with several complaints saw a physician
Two men were waiting at a bus stop and struck up a conversation.
One of them started complaining about his family problems.
After listening for a while, the other man said,
“You think you have family problems? Let me tell you about mine…
A few years ago, I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter, and we got married.
Then, my dad married my stepdaughter.
That made my stepdaughter my stepmother, and my dad became my stepson-in-law. Also, my wife became the mother-in-law to her own father-in-law.
But it gets more complicated. My stepmother—who is my stepdaughter—had a son.
This boy is my half-brother because he’s my dad’s son, but he’s also my wife’s grandson.
That makes me the grandfather of my own half-brother!
It didn’t stop there. My wife and I later had a son.
So now, the half-sister of my son—my stepmother—is also his grandmother.
And my dad, who is his brother-in-law, is the stepbrother of my dad’s wife!”
The other man blinked, trying to process everything, before finally fainting from the confusion.
A elderly man who sold flowers in a small town
A older man with several complaints saw a physician
28.
A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on.
The only problem is that she is a nun.
He decides to approach her anyway.
“Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen and I must have lovemaking with you.” he says.
“I’m sorry but I’ve given my body to God” she replies and then leaves.
Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says “I know a way you can get her in the sack.”
The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to confessional everyday at 3 in the afternoon.
The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves happy knowing he’s going to get some.
The next day at 3 the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest.
When the nun approaches in the darkness he says “Sister, God has told me I must have lovemaking with you.”
She replies “Well if God has said it, we must do it. However because of my strong commitment to God I will only take it up the bum.”
The guy figures this isn’t a problem and proceeds to have the best lovemaking ever.
After it is over he whips off his outfit and says “Surprise I’m the guy on the bus”
With that the nun turns around and says “Surprise I’m the bus driver.”
A little boy was afraid of the dark
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner
A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on.
The only problem is that she is a nun.
He decides to approach her anyway.
“Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen and I must have lovemaking with you.” he says.
“I’m sorry but I’ve given my body to God” she replies and then leaves.
Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says “I know a way you can get her in the sack.”
The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to confessional everyday at 3 in the afternoon.
The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves happy knowing he’s going to get some.
The next day at 3 the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest.
When the nun approaches in the darkness he says “Sister, God has told me I must have lovemaking with you.”
She replies “Well if God has said it, we must do it. However because of my strong commitment to God I will only take it up the bum.”
The guy figures this isn’t a problem and proceeds to have the best lovemaking ever.
After it is over he whips off his outfit and says “Surprise I’m the guy on the bus”
With that the nun turns around and says “Surprise I’m the bus driver.”
A little boy was afraid of the dark
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner
29.
A young lady is buying a box of tampons in the store.
They are missing the UPC and won’t ring up.
The cashier asks his co-worker to go and check the price of Tampax.
Do you mean the kind you push in or the kind you hammer in?
Everyone including the cashier is shocked: What?
You said to check the price of thumb tacs.
I am asking whether you mean the kind of thumb tacs you push in or the kind you hammer in?
You should have seen the face of the young lady who wanted to buy these tampons.
Bill has worked in a pickle factory
A blonde woman walks into bank
A young lady is buying a box of tampons in the store.
They are missing the UPC and won’t ring up.
The cashier asks his co-worker to go and check the price of Tampax.
Do you mean the kind you push in or the kind you hammer in?
Everyone including the cashier is shocked: What?
You said to check the price of thumb tacs.
I am asking whether you mean the kind of thumb tacs you push in or the kind you hammer in?
You should have seen the face of the young lady who wanted to buy these tampons.
Bill has worked in a pickle factory
A blonde woman walks into bank
30.
A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the examination is over, he says,
“Okay, Doctor. In plain English what’s wrong with me?”
“Well, in plain English,” says the doctor,
“You’re just lazy.”
The man nods.
“Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.
A wealthy man walked into a bar
A man and his dog walk into a pub
A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the examination is over, he says,
“Okay, Doctor. In plain English what’s wrong with me?”
“Well, in plain English,” says the doctor,
“You’re just lazy.”
The man nods.
“Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.
A wealthy man walked into a bar
A man and his dog walk into a pub
Tags:
eng jokes