1.
Dry humor about water.
So these two guys are in a cabin in the woods by a small pond in Vermont.
One says, “Hey, go fetch some water to drink.”
So the other takes a pail and wades out into the pond to get water.
He looks up and there is a bear across the pond looking at him and growling!
The guy drops the pail and runs back to the cabin.
He bursts into the cabin and shouts, “There’s a bear in the lake!”
The other guy looks up and says, “Relax, he’s probably more scared than you are.”
The some what wet guy says, “Oh, then you wouldn’t want to drink the water anyway.”
Finding one of her student Little Johnny
Divorce letter with funny end
Dry humor about water.
So these two guys are in a cabin in the woods by a small pond in Vermont.
One says, “Hey, go fetch some water to drink.”
So the other takes a pail and wades out into the pond to get water.
He looks up and there is a bear across the pond looking at him and growling!
The guy drops the pail and runs back to the cabin.
He bursts into the cabin and shouts, “There’s a bear in the lake!”
The other guy looks up and says, “Relax, he’s probably more scared than you are.”
The some what wet guy says, “Oh, then you wouldn’t want to drink the water anyway.”
Finding one of her student Little Johnny
Divorce letter with funny end
2.
Two turtles walk into a bar.
As soon as they enter inside, it starts to rain.
The big turtle turns to the smaller one and says Go home and get the umbrella.
Small Turtle I will, if you promise not to touch my soda.
Two hours pass…….
Big Turtle Well. I guess he’s not coming back. May as well drink his soda.
As he’s about to reach for it, a voice from outside the bar says
If you touch the soda, I won’t go home and get the umbrella.
Three babies are in their mother
On their 50th wedding anniversary
Two turtles walk into a bar.
As soon as they enter inside, it starts to rain.
The big turtle turns to the smaller one and says Go home and get the umbrella.
Small Turtle I will, if you promise not to touch my soda.
Two hours pass…….
Big Turtle Well. I guess he’s not coming back. May as well drink his soda.
As he’s about to reach for it, a voice from outside the bar says
If you touch the soda, I won’t go home and get the umbrella.
Three babies are in their mother
On their 50th wedding anniversary
3.
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house.
Exhausted from the afternoon’s activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m.
As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.
Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.
“Where have you been?” demanded his wife when he entered the house.
“Darling,” replied the man, “I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary.
I fell asleep in her bed and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock.” The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, “You liar!
You’ve been playing golf!”
The groom approaches the pastor
Three women are about to be executed for crimes
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house.
Exhausted from the afternoon’s activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m.
As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.
Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.
“Where have you been?” demanded his wife when he entered the house.
“Darling,” replied the man, “I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary.
I fell asleep in her bed and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock.” The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, “You liar!
You’ve been playing golf!”
The groom approaches the pastor
Three women are about to be executed for crimes
4.
Two men went bear hunting.
While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.
He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.
The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.
He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.
Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.
Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, “You skin this one while I go and get another!”
A guy comes home completely drunk
Three boys are in the schoolyard
Two men went bear hunting.
While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.
He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.
The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.
He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.
Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.
Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, “You skin this one while I go and get another!”
A guy comes home completely drunk
Three boys are in the schoolyard
5.
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around.
Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
“Pardon me,” she said, “I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable It’s just that you look just like my son who just died recently.”
“I’m very sorry,” replied the young man, “Is there anything I can do for you?”
“Yes,” she said.
“As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Goodbye mother’? It would make me feel much better.”
“Sure,” answered the young man as the old woman was leaving, he called out, “Goodbye mother!”
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50
“How can that be?” he asked, “I only purchased a few things!”
“Your mother said that you would pay for her,” said the clerk.
A man went to a gift store
A security guard has a dream
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around.
Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
“Pardon me,” she said, “I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable It’s just that you look just like my son who just died recently.”
“I’m very sorry,” replied the young man, “Is there anything I can do for you?”
“Yes,” she said.
“As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Goodbye mother’? It would make me feel much better.”
“Sure,” answered the young man as the old woman was leaving, he called out, “Goodbye mother!”
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50
“How can that be?” he asked, “I only purchased a few things!”
“Your mother said that you would pay for her,” said the clerk.
A man went to a gift store
A security guard has a dream
6.
A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a bared beach.
As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had melons bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why.
She told her son, “The bigger they are the dumber the person is.”
The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger “units” than his dad.
His mother replied, “The bigger they are the dumber the person is.
“Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.
Shortly after, the boy returned again.
He promptly told his mother,
“Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.
One evening a husband and wife
A woman goes out shopping with her husband
A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a bared beach.
As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had melons bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why.
She told her son, “The bigger they are the dumber the person is.”
The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger “units” than his dad.
His mother replied, “The bigger they are the dumber the person is.
“Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.
Shortly after, the boy returned again.
He promptly told his mother,
“Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.
One evening a husband and wife
A woman goes out shopping with her husband
7.
A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license.
He says “Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses.”
The woman answered “Well, I have contacts.”
The policeman replied “I don’t care who you know! You’re getting a ticket!”
A cop pulls over a car full of nuns
A blonde went to the hospital
A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license.
He says “Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses.”
The woman answered “Well, I have contacts.”
The policeman replied “I don’t care who you know! You’re getting a ticket!”
A cop pulls over a car full of nuns
A blonde went to the hospital
8.
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.
Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.
One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early.
She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband fooling around with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
“No way!” the blonde exclaimed. “I almost got caught yesterday!”
Three female fugitives escaping from jail
A blonde went to a flight school insisting
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.
Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.
One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early.
She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband fooling around with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
“No way!” the blonde exclaimed. “I almost got caught yesterday!”
Three female fugitives escaping from jail
A blonde went to a flight school insisting
9.
A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine.
Out of the blue, the wife says, “I love you!”
“Is that you or the wine talking?” asks the husband.
“It’s me,” says the wife.
“Talking to the wine.”
A couple attended marriage counseling
He staggers into the bedroom
A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine.
Out of the blue, the wife says, “I love you!”
“Is that you or the wine talking?” asks the husband.
“It’s me,” says the wife.
“Talking to the wine.”
A couple attended marriage counseling
He staggers into the bedroom
10.
A woman walks into the City Center link office, trailed by 15 kids.
“WOW,” the social worker exclaims, “Are they ALL yours?”
“Yeah, they are all mine,” the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, “Sit down Terry.” All the children rush to find seats.
“Well,” says the social worker, “then you must be here to sign up, I’ll need all your children’s names.”
“’This one’s my oldest – he is Terry.”
“OK, and who’s next?”
“Well, this one, he is Terry, also.” The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues.
One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.
Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.
“All right,” says the caseworker.
“I’m seeing a pattern here are they ALL named Terri?”
Their Mother replied, “Well, yes – it makes it easier.”
When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, ‘Terry!’ An” when it’s time for dinner, I just yell ‘Terry!’ an’ they all come running.’
An’ if I need to stop the kid who’s running into the street, I just yell ‘Terry and all of them stop It’s the smartest idea I ever had, naming’ them all Terry.’
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, “But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch, I call them by their surnames!”
Whispering firmly to the dying man
A man was crossing a road
A woman walks into the City Center link office, trailed by 15 kids.
“WOW,” the social worker exclaims, “Are they ALL yours?”
“Yeah, they are all mine,” the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, “Sit down Terry.” All the children rush to find seats.
“Well,” says the social worker, “then you must be here to sign up, I’ll need all your children’s names.”
“’This one’s my oldest – he is Terry.”
“OK, and who’s next?”
“Well, this one, he is Terry, also.” The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues.
One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.
Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.
“All right,” says the caseworker.
“I’m seeing a pattern here are they ALL named Terri?”
Their Mother replied, “Well, yes – it makes it easier.”
When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, ‘Terry!’ An” when it’s time for dinner, I just yell ‘Terry!’ an’ they all come running.’
An’ if I need to stop the kid who’s running into the street, I just yell ‘Terry and all of them stop It’s the smartest idea I ever had, naming’ them all Terry.’
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, “But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch, I call them by their surnames!”
Whispering firmly to the dying man
A man was crossing a road
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11.
Four guys, one each from Harvard, Yale, MIT University and SANTA SINGH from Punjab University were to be interviewed for a prestigious job.
One common question was asked to all of them.
INTERVIEWER: WHICH IS THE FASTEST THING IN THE WORLD?
YALE Guy: It is Light, nothing can travel faster than Light.
HARVARD Guy: It’s the Thought; because thought is so fast it comes instantly in your mind.
MIT Guy: Its Blink, you can blink and it’s hard to realize you blinked.
SANTA SINGH: It’s Loose Motion.
INTERVIEWER: (Shocked to hear Santa’s reply) “WHY”?
SANTA SINGH: Last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps,
and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS, it was over !!
A priest and a taxi driver both died
A farmer got in his truck
Four guys, one each from Harvard, Yale, MIT University and SANTA SINGH from Punjab University were to be interviewed for a prestigious job.
One common question was asked to all of them.
INTERVIEWER: WHICH IS THE FASTEST THING IN THE WORLD?
YALE Guy: It is Light, nothing can travel faster than Light.
HARVARD Guy: It’s the Thought; because thought is so fast it comes instantly in your mind.
MIT Guy: Its Blink, you can blink and it’s hard to realize you blinked.
SANTA SINGH: It’s Loose Motion.
INTERVIEWER: (Shocked to hear Santa’s reply) “WHY”?
SANTA SINGH: Last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps,
and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS, it was over !!
A priest and a taxi driver both died
A farmer got in his truck
12.
A woman walks into a convenience store.
She walks straight to the manager and asks, “Do you have any small notebooks?”
“Sorry,” says the manager. “We’re all out.”
The woman shrugs, and asks, “Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?”
“Nope, don’t have that either,” says the manager.
The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, “Do you have Doritos? Nachos?”
The manager shrugs, “Sorry.”
“Hmmph. How about Chap stick?” says the woman.
“Nope. Don’t have that.”
“My God!” the woman shouts, “If you don’t have anything, you should close the damn store!”
The manager shrugs, “Don’t have the key.”
The man approached the very beautiful woman
Two lawyers met at a cocktail party
A woman walks into a convenience store.
She walks straight to the manager and asks, “Do you have any small notebooks?”
“Sorry,” says the manager. “We’re all out.”
The woman shrugs, and asks, “Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?”
“Nope, don’t have that either,” says the manager.
The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, “Do you have Doritos? Nachos?”
The manager shrugs, “Sorry.”
“Hmmph. How about Chap stick?” says the woman.
“Nope. Don’t have that.”
“My God!” the woman shouts, “If you don’t have anything, you should close the damn store!”
The manager shrugs, “Don’t have the key.”
The man approached the very beautiful woman
Two lawyers met at a cocktail party
13.
Elsa, a 97 year old midwife, finally passed away after a long and happy life.
When she arrived at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter was standing there waiting for her.
He said, “Welcome, Elsa do you have a last wish before you enter paradise?”
“I do,” Elsa replied.
“I would like to return to Earth for a few minutes and for once in my life witness a birth where the father is the one who has to endure the pain of having a baby.”
St. Peter thought this was a reasonable request, so Elsa was sent back to Earth for a short while.
She found herself standing in the home of a woman who was just having a baby. While giving birth, the mother seemed to be in no pain whatsoever.
The midwife was curious to see how her husband was doing, but was surprised to see him calmly sitting on a chair by an open window, smoking his pipe.
“How are you feeling? Aren’t you in pain?” the midwife asked him.
“Oh no, I’m feeling great,” the husband replied.
“But I think we have to call for an ambulance our neighbor John is lying out there on the lawn screaming his head off!”
Two old Jewish men Sid and Abe
The coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players
Elsa, a 97 year old midwife, finally passed away after a long and happy life.
When she arrived at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter was standing there waiting for her.
He said, “Welcome, Elsa do you have a last wish before you enter paradise?”
“I do,” Elsa replied.
“I would like to return to Earth for a few minutes and for once in my life witness a birth where the father is the one who has to endure the pain of having a baby.”
St. Peter thought this was a reasonable request, so Elsa was sent back to Earth for a short while.
She found herself standing in the home of a woman who was just having a baby. While giving birth, the mother seemed to be in no pain whatsoever.
The midwife was curious to see how her husband was doing, but was surprised to see him calmly sitting on a chair by an open window, smoking his pipe.
“How are you feeling? Aren’t you in pain?” the midwife asked him.
“Oh no, I’m feeling great,” the husband replied.
“But I think we have to call for an ambulance our neighbor John is lying out there on the lawn screaming his head off!”
Two old Jewish men Sid and Abe
The coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players
14.
A guy and his wife go golfing.
They’re about halfway through the game when the husband slices a shot for the green and drops his ball right behind the greenskeeper’s shed, blocking his chance to chip in.
So, he lines up his shot, planning to hit it out from behind the shed and then up on the green on his next shot.
But his wife stops him.
“See here,“ she says, opening the back door of the shack. “Your ball is laying right in the doorway.” She walks through the shed and opens the front door.
“Look. You can see the pin through the open doors.”
The husband smiles at her and shifts his stance to line up his shot through the open doors.
“This’ll be a great shot to brag about if I make it.”
But alas, he slices again. The ball travels up, hits the frame of the doorway, ricochets and hits the wife right in the forehead. She falls over dead on the spot.
About a year later the same fellow is back out on the same course, this time golfing with his boss.
They get to the hole where the awful tragedy occurred and, as luck would have it, he slices again, dropping it right behind the greenskeeper’s shed.
As he lines up his shot, planning to whack it out from behind the shed and then up on the green on his next shot, but his boss stops him.
“See here,“ the boss says, opening the back door of the shed.
“Your ball is laying right in the doorway.” he walks through the shed and opens the front door.
“Look. You can see the pin through the open doors.”
“No way, man!” he says. “Did the same thing last year. I took a six!”
A student visits her teacher’s office before finals
There are 2 different approaches for
A guy and his wife go golfing.
They’re about halfway through the game when the husband slices a shot for the green and drops his ball right behind the greenskeeper’s shed, blocking his chance to chip in.
So, he lines up his shot, planning to hit it out from behind the shed and then up on the green on his next shot.
But his wife stops him.
“See here,“ she says, opening the back door of the shack. “Your ball is laying right in the doorway.” She walks through the shed and opens the front door.
“Look. You can see the pin through the open doors.”
The husband smiles at her and shifts his stance to line up his shot through the open doors.
“This’ll be a great shot to brag about if I make it.”
But alas, he slices again. The ball travels up, hits the frame of the doorway, ricochets and hits the wife right in the forehead. She falls over dead on the spot.
About a year later the same fellow is back out on the same course, this time golfing with his boss.
They get to the hole where the awful tragedy occurred and, as luck would have it, he slices again, dropping it right behind the greenskeeper’s shed.
As he lines up his shot, planning to whack it out from behind the shed and then up on the green on his next shot, but his boss stops him.
“See here,“ the boss says, opening the back door of the shed.
“Your ball is laying right in the doorway.” he walks through the shed and opens the front door.
“Look. You can see the pin through the open doors.”
“No way, man!” he says. “Did the same thing last year. I took a six!”
A student visits her teacher’s office before finals
There are 2 different approaches for
15.
The first guy goes in and kicks as., best job interview he’s ever done in his life end of the interview comes around,
the interviewer says: “By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?”
“Yeah,” says the guy… “You don’t have any EARS, man!”
“I’m sorry, says the interviewer, but I’m very sensitive about my ears, I’m afraid you’re not the right person for this job, get the hell out of my office!”
The second guy goes in, it’s the same thing, he is doing amazing, best job interview ever
Talks himself into 20K a year more than the advertised salary end of the interview comes around,
the interviewer says: “By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?”
“Yeah,” says the guy… “You don’t have any EARS, man!”
“I’m sorry, says the interviewer, but I’m very sensitive about my ears, I’m afraid you’re not the right person for this job, get out of my office!”
So the third guy’s about to go in, but the first and second guy stop him and warn him “Hey, I don’t care how good you’re doing, how comfortable you feel, don’t say ANYTHING about his ears, he’ll throw you right out!”
So the third guy goes in Again, same thing, an AMAZING interview end of the interview comes around,
the interviewer says: “By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?”
Third guy looks real close, squints his eyes a bit and says “Yeah
You wear contact lenses, don’t you?”
“WOW!” says the interviewer, “That is REALLY perceptive of you! How did you know?”
“Well…” Says guy three…
“You sure as hell couldn’t wear glasses!”
A anthropologist studying the habits
A little turtle
The first guy goes in and kicks as., best job interview he’s ever done in his life end of the interview comes around,
the interviewer says: “By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?”
“Yeah,” says the guy… “You don’t have any EARS, man!”
“I’m sorry, says the interviewer, but I’m very sensitive about my ears, I’m afraid you’re not the right person for this job, get the hell out of my office!”
The second guy goes in, it’s the same thing, he is doing amazing, best job interview ever
Talks himself into 20K a year more than the advertised salary end of the interview comes around,
the interviewer says: “By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?”
“Yeah,” says the guy… “You don’t have any EARS, man!”
“I’m sorry, says the interviewer, but I’m very sensitive about my ears, I’m afraid you’re not the right person for this job, get out of my office!”
So the third guy’s about to go in, but the first and second guy stop him and warn him “Hey, I don’t care how good you’re doing, how comfortable you feel, don’t say ANYTHING about his ears, he’ll throw you right out!”
So the third guy goes in Again, same thing, an AMAZING interview end of the interview comes around,
the interviewer says: “By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?”
Third guy looks real close, squints his eyes a bit and says “Yeah
You wear contact lenses, don’t you?”
“WOW!” says the interviewer, “That is REALLY perceptive of you! How did you know?”
“Well…” Says guy three…
“You sure as hell couldn’t wear glasses!”
A anthropologist studying the habits
A little turtle
16.
One evening, a family sat down for dinner.
The mother served fish and cauliflower.
They were all eating, until the boy, chewing on his fish, found a bone.
He pulled it out of his mouth and asked, “Mom, what do I do with this?”
“Put it where you’re sure you won’t eat it,” said his mother.
So the boy carefully stuck it into his cauliflower.
A son challenged his father game of golf
A gentleman enters a restaurant
One evening, a family sat down for dinner.
The mother served fish and cauliflower.
They were all eating, until the boy, chewing on his fish, found a bone.
He pulled it out of his mouth and asked, “Mom, what do I do with this?”
“Put it where you’re sure you won’t eat it,” said his mother.
So the boy carefully stuck it into his cauliflower.
A son challenged his father game of golf
A gentleman enters a restaurant
17.
One day, Marie sent her little boy Johnny down to the pond to get some water for cooking dinner.
As he was dipping the bucket in the water, he saw two big eyes looking back at him from the water.
He dropped the bucket and hightailed it back to the kitchen.
“Now, where’s my bucket and my water?” Marie asked him.
“I can’t get any water from that pond, Momma” cried Johnny.
“There’s a BIG ol’ alligator down dere!”
“Now don’t you mind that ol’ alligator, johnny. He’s been there for a few years now, and he ain’t never hurt nobody. Cher, he’s probably as scared of you as you are of him!”
“Well, Momma,” replied Johnny,
” if he’s as scared of me as I am of him, then dat water ain’t fit to drink!”
A young girl wants to meet Santa Claus
Johnny his brother Jimmy sat down to eat
One day, Marie sent her little boy Johnny down to the pond to get some water for cooking dinner.
As he was dipping the bucket in the water, he saw two big eyes looking back at him from the water.
He dropped the bucket and hightailed it back to the kitchen.
“Now, where’s my bucket and my water?” Marie asked him.
“I can’t get any water from that pond, Momma” cried Johnny.
“There’s a BIG ol’ alligator down dere!”
“Now don’t you mind that ol’ alligator, johnny. He’s been there for a few years now, and he ain’t never hurt nobody. Cher, he’s probably as scared of you as you are of him!”
“Well, Momma,” replied Johnny,
” if he’s as scared of me as I am of him, then dat water ain’t fit to drink!”
A young girl wants to meet Santa Claus
Johnny his brother Jimmy sat down to eat
18.
Suddenly, the captain announces over the public address system, “Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry to say that I have some bad news.
Our engines are malfunctioning and we will attempt an emergency landing.
Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach.
However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives.”
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later, the husband turns to his wife and asks, “Honey, did we pay the car bill this month?”
“No, sweetheart,” she responds.
Still shaken from the crash landing, he then asks, “Did we pay our credit card bill yet?”
“Oh no! I’m sorry I forgot to send the check,” she says.
“One last thing, did you remember to pay the medical bill for the hospital visit last month?” he asks.
“Oh, forgive me, sweetheart,” begged the wife.
“I didn’t send that one, either.”
The husband grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 50 years.
She pulls away and asks him, “What was the hug for?”
The husband answers, “Don’t you see? The debt collectors will find us!”
Mr Brown was telling his son
A man and woman were soon to be married
Suddenly, the captain announces over the public address system, “Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry to say that I have some bad news.
Our engines are malfunctioning and we will attempt an emergency landing.
Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach.
However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives.”
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later, the husband turns to his wife and asks, “Honey, did we pay the car bill this month?”
“No, sweetheart,” she responds.
Still shaken from the crash landing, he then asks, “Did we pay our credit card bill yet?”
“Oh no! I’m sorry I forgot to send the check,” she says.
“One last thing, did you remember to pay the medical bill for the hospital visit last month?” he asks.
“Oh, forgive me, sweetheart,” begged the wife.
“I didn’t send that one, either.”
The husband grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 50 years.
She pulls away and asks him, “What was the hug for?”
The husband answers, “Don’t you see? The debt collectors will find us!”
Mr Brown was telling his son
A man and woman were soon to be married
19.
Four married guys go golfing on Sunday.
During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:
First Guy: “Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.”
Second Guy: “That’s nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.”
Third Guy: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.”
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word.
So they ask him. “You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What’s the deal?”
Fourth Guy: “I don’t want to talk about it. Let’s just say that the foundation for the new house is being poured next Tuesday.”
A couple had been married for 45 years
A rabbit hops into a pub and asks the bartender
Four married guys go golfing on Sunday.
During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:
First Guy: “Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.”
Second Guy: “That’s nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.”
Third Guy: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.”
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word.
So they ask him. “You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What’s the deal?”
Fourth Guy: “I don’t want to talk about it. Let’s just say that the foundation for the new house is being poured next Tuesday.”
A couple had been married for 45 years
A rabbit hops into a pub and asks the bartender
20.
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam.
Finally, the doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was front-fed or bottle-fed.
“front-fed,” she replied.
“Well! We’ll have to check you out. Alright then, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered.
She undressed and the doctor began his exam.
He pinched her melons, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both melons for a while in a detailed examination.
He frowned, then continued squeezing and pressing for a few more minutes.
Motioning to her to get dressed, he said,
“No wonder this baby is underweight you don’t have any milk!”
“I know,” she said. “I’m his Grandma, but I’m certainly glad I came.”
One day her husband comes home early
A old man and woman were married for years
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam.
Finally, the doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was front-fed or bottle-fed.
“front-fed,” she replied.
“Well! We’ll have to check you out. Alright then, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered.
She undressed and the doctor began his exam.
He pinched her melons, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both melons for a while in a detailed examination.
He frowned, then continued squeezing and pressing for a few more minutes.
Motioning to her to get dressed, he said,
“No wonder this baby is underweight you don’t have any milk!”
“I know,” she said. “I’m his Grandma, but I’m certainly glad I came.”
One day her husband comes home early
A old man and woman were married for years
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21.
A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party.
Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer,
“What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”
“I give it to them,” replies the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”
The doctor is shocked, but agrees to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares the bills.
When he goes to place them in his mailbox, he finds a bill from the lawyer.
Three doctors are discussing
The Human Resources Officer asks a engineer
A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party.
Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer,
“What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”
“I give it to them,” replies the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”
The doctor is shocked, but agrees to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares the bills.
When he goes to place them in his mailbox, he finds a bill from the lawyer.
Three doctors are discussing
The Human Resources Officer asks a engineer
22.
George raises his beer mug in the air and says, “Here’s to spending the rest of my life having lovemaking with my wife!”
The bar is filled with whistles and claps, and the bartender even gives him a ribbon that says, “Best Toast of the Month”.
When George gets home, he shows his wife, Linda, the ribbon. “And what exactly was your award-winning toast?” she asks.
George thinks for a while and says, “Here’s to spending the rest of my life going to church with my wife.”
The next day when George is at work, Linda is walking down the street when she runs into Ted, one of George’s drinking buddies.
“Your husband sure gave an awesome toast last night!” says Ted.
“I know!” replies Linda, “and he told me about it! It kind of surprised me because almost every time he goes down there, he falls asleep. A few weeks ago I had to pull him by the ear to get him to come.”
Mr. Johnson boarded a plane
A man owns a rabbit farm and is known
George raises his beer mug in the air and says, “Here’s to spending the rest of my life having lovemaking with my wife!”
The bar is filled with whistles and claps, and the bartender even gives him a ribbon that says, “Best Toast of the Month”.
When George gets home, he shows his wife, Linda, the ribbon. “And what exactly was your award-winning toast?” she asks.
George thinks for a while and says, “Here’s to spending the rest of my life going to church with my wife.”
The next day when George is at work, Linda is walking down the street when she runs into Ted, one of George’s drinking buddies.
“Your husband sure gave an awesome toast last night!” says Ted.
“I know!” replies Linda, “and he told me about it! It kind of surprised me because almost every time he goes down there, he falls asleep. A few weeks ago I had to pull him by the ear to get him to come.”
Mr. Johnson boarded a plane
A man owns a rabbit farm and is known
23.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”
The old farmer Peter replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”
The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial lawyers in Canada and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in Alberta we settle small disagreements like this with the ‘Three Kick Rule.'”
The lawyer asked, “What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?”
The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.”
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.
He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney his first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, you old fart now it’s my turn.
The old farmer smiled and said, “Nah, I give up you can have the duck.”
He dialed the employee’s home
A woman was at her hairdresser’s
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”
The old farmer Peter replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”
The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial lawyers in Canada and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in Alberta we settle small disagreements like this with the ‘Three Kick Rule.'”
The lawyer asked, “What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?”
The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.”
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.
He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney his first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, you old fart now it’s my turn.
The old farmer smiled and said, “Nah, I give up you can have the duck.”
He dialed the employee’s home
A woman was at her hairdresser’s
24.
An old man went to the doctor complaining of a terrible pain in his leg.
“I am afraid it’s just old age”, replied the doctor, “there is nothing we can do about it.”
“That can’t be” fumed the old man, “you don’t know what you are doing.”
“How can you possibly know I am wrong?” countered the doctor.
“Well it’s quite obvious,” the old man replied, “my other leg is fine, and it’s the exact same age!”
She was a little bit apprehensive
Lisa a 16 year old girl
An old man went to the doctor complaining of a terrible pain in his leg.
“I am afraid it’s just old age”, replied the doctor, “there is nothing we can do about it.”
“That can’t be” fumed the old man, “you don’t know what you are doing.”
“How can you possibly know I am wrong?” countered the doctor.
“Well it’s quite obvious,” the old man replied, “my other leg is fine, and it’s the exact same age!”
She was a little bit apprehensive
Lisa a 16 year old girl
25.
A hungry guy really fancies a bowl of hot chili.
He sees a diner just up the street, so he decides to head there.
A pretty waitress shows him to his seat, and he promptly places his order.
The waitress says, “Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl”.
He looks over and sees that the guy’s finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full.
He asks, “Are you going to eat that chili?”
The other guy says, “No. Help yourself”.
He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat.
When he gets about halfway down, his spoon hits something.
He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, “Yeah, that’s about as far as I got, too.”
A old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks
A man has been drinking all day at a bar
A hungry guy really fancies a bowl of hot chili.
He sees a diner just up the street, so he decides to head there.
A pretty waitress shows him to his seat, and he promptly places his order.
The waitress says, “Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl”.
He looks over and sees that the guy’s finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full.
He asks, “Are you going to eat that chili?”
The other guy says, “No. Help yourself”.
He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat.
When he gets about halfway down, his spoon hits something.
He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, “Yeah, that’s about as far as I got, too.”
A old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks
A man has been drinking all day at a bar
26.
The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used “Forgive Your Enemies” as his subject.
After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies.
About half held up their hands not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question this time he received a response of about 80 percent.
Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his question with all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.
“Mrs Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”
“I don’t have any.”
“Mrs Jones, that is very unusual, how old are you?”
“Ninety three.”
“Mrs Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to be ninety-three, and not have an enemy in the world.”
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said: “It’s easy, I just outlived the bitches.”
The two were at the same table
The disciple asked the master
The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used “Forgive Your Enemies” as his subject.
After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies.
About half held up their hands not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question this time he received a response of about 80 percent.
Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his question with all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.
“Mrs Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”
“I don’t have any.”
“Mrs Jones, that is very unusual, how old are you?”
“Ninety three.”
“Mrs Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to be ninety-three, and not have an enemy in the world.”
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said: “It’s easy, I just outlived the bitches.”
The two were at the same table
The disciple asked the master
27.
A boy is selling fish on a corner.
To get his customers’ attention, he is yelling, “Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!”
A pastor hears this and asks, “Why are you calling them ‘dam fish.’”
The boy responds, “Because I caught these fish at the local dam.”
The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish.
The wife responds surprised, “I didn’t know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way.”
He explains to her why they are dam fish.
Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish.
He responds, “That’s the spirit, Dad!
Now pass the bang potatoes!”
One drunk says to the other
Three guys go to a ski lodge
A boy is selling fish on a corner.
To get his customers’ attention, he is yelling, “Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!”
A pastor hears this and asks, “Why are you calling them ‘dam fish.’”
The boy responds, “Because I caught these fish at the local dam.”
The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish.
The wife responds surprised, “I didn’t know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way.”
He explains to her why they are dam fish.
Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish.
He responds, “That’s the spirit, Dad!
Now pass the bang potatoes!”
One drunk says to the other
Three guys go to a ski lodge
28.
A man with a mask on walks into a bank and goes to the desk.
He pulls out a gun and points it at the lady at the desk. He says,’Open the vault skank’.
The woman says, ‘Sir, this is a seed bank.
We don’t have any money here’.
The man says, ‘Open the vault right now or i’m going to blow your bang head off’. She opens the vault and turns back to the man and he said, ‘Take out one of those jars’.
The woman said, ‘please sir, i promise you we don’t have any money here.
This is a seed bank’.
The man said, ‘Take out one of those jars right now or ill blow your bang head off’.
The women turns, grabs the jar and looks back to the man and he said, ‘Take lid off and swallow it’.
She looks at him in disgust and pleads to him saying, ‘Sir, this is seed.
Please, i’m not drinking seed.
We don’t have any money here. Please leave’.
The man says, ‘Take the lid off and drink it or ill blow your bang head off’.
So the woman’s takes off the lid and kicks it back real quick and swallows it with little to no problem then turns to look back at the man and to her amazement he took off the mask and it was her husband.
He looked at her and said, ‘See! It’s not that bang difficult is it’.
A guy goes on to a ship
Girl melons got one size bigger
A man with a mask on walks into a bank and goes to the desk.
He pulls out a gun and points it at the lady at the desk. He says,’Open the vault skank’.
The woman says, ‘Sir, this is a seed bank.
We don’t have any money here’.
The man says, ‘Open the vault right now or i’m going to blow your bang head off’. She opens the vault and turns back to the man and he said, ‘Take out one of those jars’.
The woman said, ‘please sir, i promise you we don’t have any money here.
This is a seed bank’.
The man said, ‘Take out one of those jars right now or ill blow your bang head off’.
The women turns, grabs the jar and looks back to the man and he said, ‘Take lid off and swallow it’.
She looks at him in disgust and pleads to him saying, ‘Sir, this is seed.
Please, i’m not drinking seed.
We don’t have any money here. Please leave’.
The man says, ‘Take the lid off and drink it or ill blow your bang head off’.
So the woman’s takes off the lid and kicks it back real quick and swallows it with little to no problem then turns to look back at the man and to her amazement he took off the mask and it was her husband.
He looked at her and said, ‘See! It’s not that bang difficult is it’.
A guy goes on to a ship
Girl melons got one size bigger
29.
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,
“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”
‘Dad, what are you talking about?’ the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says.
“We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”
Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
“Like hell they’re getting divorced!”
She shouts, “I’ll take care of this!”
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced don’t do a single thing until I get there, I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
‘Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way.’
Mailmen Get It Regular
I think you’re bad luck
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,
“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”
‘Dad, what are you talking about?’ the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says.
“We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”
Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
“Like hell they’re getting divorced!”
She shouts, “I’ll take care of this!”
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced don’t do a single thing until I get there, I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
‘Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way.’
Mailmen Get It Regular
I think you’re bad luck
30.
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son.
They happen to walk by the rubber pack display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”
The man matter-of-factually replies, “Those are called protection, son. Men use them to have safe lovemaking.”
“Oh I see,” replied the boys pensively.
“Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”
He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, “Why are there three in this package.”
The dad replies, “Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”
“Cool!” says the boy.
He notices a pack of six and asks “Then who are these for?”
“Those are for college men,” the dad answers, “Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.”
“Wow!” exclaimed the boy.
“Then who uses these?” he asks, picking up a 12-pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March.”
There is a very special mirror
Two dwarfs go into a bar
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son.
They happen to walk by the rubber pack display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”
The man matter-of-factually replies, “Those are called protection, son. Men use them to have safe lovemaking.”
“Oh I see,” replied the boys pensively.
“Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”
He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, “Why are there three in this package.”
The dad replies, “Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”
“Cool!” says the boy.
He notices a pack of six and asks “Then who are these for?”
“Those are for college men,” the dad answers, “Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.”
“Wow!” exclaimed the boy.
“Then who uses these?” he asks, picking up a 12-pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March.”
There is a very special mirror
Two dwarfs go into a bar
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eng jokes