1.
A Football team was on the field during practice, when to their surprise, a big turkey suddenly walked up to the coach and demanded a tryout.
“Are you crazy,” hollered the coach, “we don’t give tryouts to turkeys.”
Before he knew it the turkey started dashing towards the football and made a fantastic catch.
“That was amazing,” exclaimed the coach.
“I have never seen anything like that! How much do you want for a year?”
“Don’t worry about money,” said the turkey,
“let me just ask you something, does the season go past Thanksgiving?”
A man with an elephant walks
The boss dialed his employees phone number
A Football team was on the field during practice, when to their surprise, a big turkey suddenly walked up to the coach and demanded a tryout.
“Are you crazy,” hollered the coach, “we don’t give tryouts to turkeys.”
Before he knew it the turkey started dashing towards the football and made a fantastic catch.
“That was amazing,” exclaimed the coach.
“I have never seen anything like that! How much do you want for a year?”
“Don’t worry about money,” said the turkey,
“let me just ask you something, does the season go past Thanksgiving?”
A man with an elephant walks
The boss dialed his employees phone number
2.
Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older.
One said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, in front of the refrigerator, and I can’t remember whether I was taking it out or putting it away.”
The second lady said, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs, and I can’t remember whether I was on my up, or on my way down.”
The third lady chimed in, “Well, I’m glad I don’t have those problems. Knock on wood.”
With that, she rapped her knuckles on the table, then said, “That must be the door. I’ll get it.”
She caught the burglar red-handed
A old man was sitting on a bus
Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older.
One said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, in front of the refrigerator, and I can’t remember whether I was taking it out or putting it away.”
The second lady said, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs, and I can’t remember whether I was on my up, or on my way down.”
The third lady chimed in, “Well, I’m glad I don’t have those problems. Knock on wood.”
With that, she rapped her knuckles on the table, then said, “That must be the door. I’ll get it.”
She caught the burglar red-handed
A old man was sitting on a bus
3.
A husband suspected his wife was cheating on him.
He explained his situation to a pet shop owner who replied,
“I have a parrot that will let you know daily what goes on in your house.
The bird has no legs, so he holds onto his perch with his tool.”
Reluctantly, the husband brought the bird home.
At the end of the first day, the man asked the bird, “Did anything happen today?”
The parrot said, “Yes, the milk man came over.”
The man asked, “What did he do with my wife?”
The bird said, “I don’t know; I got hard and fell.”
There are three women
Why do you want to talk to me
A husband suspected his wife was cheating on him.
He explained his situation to a pet shop owner who replied,
“I have a parrot that will let you know daily what goes on in your house.
The bird has no legs, so he holds onto his perch with his tool.”
Reluctantly, the husband brought the bird home.
At the end of the first day, the man asked the bird, “Did anything happen today?”
The parrot said, “Yes, the milk man came over.”
The man asked, “What did he do with my wife?”
The bird said, “I don’t know; I got hard and fell.”
There are three women
Why do you want to talk to me
4.
This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.
MAN: “What was that for?”
WIFE: “What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?”
MAN: “Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.”
The wife is satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house.
Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.
MAN: “What was that for this time?”
WIFE: “Your horse phoned.”
A husband went to a doctor to talk
A judge was interviewing a lady
This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.
MAN: “What was that for?”
WIFE: “What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?”
MAN: “Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.”
The wife is satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house.
Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.
MAN: “What was that for this time?”
WIFE: “Your horse phoned.”
A husband went to a doctor to talk
A judge was interviewing a lady
5.
After a wonderful night of lovemaking,
the young guy rolled over and was looking around,
when he noticed a framed picture of another man on a desk in the distance.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
“Is that your husband?” he inquired nervously.
“No, silly,” she replied, snuggling up to him.
“Your boyfriend then?” he asked.
“No, not at all,” she said, nibbling away at his ear.
“Well, who is he then?” demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, she answered, “That’s me before the surgery.”
Johnny walked into his dad’s bedroom
A elderly couple Ray and Bessie
After a wonderful night of lovemaking,
the young guy rolled over and was looking around,
when he noticed a framed picture of another man on a desk in the distance.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
“Is that your husband?” he inquired nervously.
“No, silly,” she replied, snuggling up to him.
“Your boyfriend then?” he asked.
“No, not at all,” she said, nibbling away at his ear.
“Well, who is he then?” demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, she answered, “That’s me before the surgery.”
Johnny walked into his dad’s bedroom
A elderly couple Ray and Bessie
6.
A couple is on their honeymoon.
The husband is sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, “Now how can I tell my wife that I’ve got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink?
I’ve managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she’s bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink.
Now how do I tell her?”
Meanwhile, the wife is sitting in the bed saying to herself, “Now how do I tell my husband that I’ve got really bad breath?
I’ve been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he’s lived with me for a week, he’s bound to find out.
Now how do I tell him gently?”
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and walks into the bedroom.
He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, “Darling, I’ve got a confession to make.”
She says, “So have I, love.”
To which he replies, “Don’t tell me, you’ve eaten my socks.”
The husband picked up the phone
A young man and woman got married
A couple is on their honeymoon.
The husband is sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, “Now how can I tell my wife that I’ve got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink?
I’ve managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she’s bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink.
Now how do I tell her?”
Meanwhile, the wife is sitting in the bed saying to herself, “Now how do I tell my husband that I’ve got really bad breath?
I’ve been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he’s lived with me for a week, he’s bound to find out.
Now how do I tell him gently?”
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and walks into the bedroom.
He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, “Darling, I’ve got a confession to make.”
She says, “So have I, love.”
To which he replies, “Don’t tell me, you’ve eaten my socks.”
The husband picked up the phone
A young man and woman got married
7.
3 nuns go to mother superior and say they don’t want to be nuns anymore.
Mother superior says “Ok but you have to go and do something unholy.”
The next day, the first nun goes to mother superior and says “I stole a kids bike!”
Mother superior replies “Ok, that is un-holy. Go and drink from the holy water and you will no longer be a nun.”
The second nun goes and says “I slept with a married man!” Mother superior replies,
“That is unholy enough.
Go and drink from the holy water and you will no longer be a nun.”
The third nun goes up to mother superior and says
“Mother superior, Mother superior!” “Yes?” Replies Mother superior.
“What have you done for your unholy act “I pissed in the holy water!”
A girl goes into her father’s study
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson
3 nuns go to mother superior and say they don’t want to be nuns anymore.
Mother superior says “Ok but you have to go and do something unholy.”
The next day, the first nun goes to mother superior and says “I stole a kids bike!”
Mother superior replies “Ok, that is un-holy. Go and drink from the holy water and you will no longer be a nun.”
The second nun goes and says “I slept with a married man!” Mother superior replies,
“That is unholy enough.
Go and drink from the holy water and you will no longer be a nun.”
The third nun goes up to mother superior and says
“Mother superior, Mother superior!” “Yes?” Replies Mother superior.
“What have you done for your unholy act “I pissed in the holy water!”
A girl goes into her father’s study
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson
8.
A pregnant woman walking across the street is caught in a firefight between cops and some bank robbers
She’s hit three times in the abdomen and immediately rushed to the ER.
They perform an emergency cesarian section and remove seemingly three healthy children – 2 girls and a boy.
Further examination shows no sign of any shrapnel.
The doctors monitor closely the new family but nothing seems amiss.
Life goes on apparently uneventful.
However some thirteen years later, one of the daughters comes down and exclaims ‘Mummy Mummy!
I just went for a wee and a bullet came out!’
The mother explains the story and reassures her daughter.
Then the second daughter comes running down ‘Mummy Mummy! I just went for a wee and a bullet came out!’
The mother again explains the story and reassures her other daughter.
Finally the little boy comes down ‘Mummy Mummy!’ – the mother stops him there ‘ I know – you went for a wee and a bullet came out’ ‘Actually Mum – I was having a wank and I shot the cat’
An estranged father take his teenage daughter
A woman goes into a store
A pregnant woman walking across the street is caught in a firefight between cops and some bank robbers
She’s hit three times in the abdomen and immediately rushed to the ER.
They perform an emergency cesarian section and remove seemingly three healthy children – 2 girls and a boy.
Further examination shows no sign of any shrapnel.
The doctors monitor closely the new family but nothing seems amiss.
Life goes on apparently uneventful.
However some thirteen years later, one of the daughters comes down and exclaims ‘Mummy Mummy!
I just went for a wee and a bullet came out!’
The mother explains the story and reassures her daughter.
Then the second daughter comes running down ‘Mummy Mummy! I just went for a wee and a bullet came out!’
The mother again explains the story and reassures her other daughter.
Finally the little boy comes down ‘Mummy Mummy!’ – the mother stops him there ‘ I know – you went for a wee and a bullet came out’ ‘Actually Mum – I was having a wank and I shot the cat’
An estranged father take his teenage daughter
A woman goes into a store
9.
Bill and Doug were having a beer at the neighborhood bar.
“What’s the matter?” asked Bill of his buddy.
“You look kind of down.”
“My wife just told me that my lovemaking is just like a news bulletin.”
“Why’s that?”
“Because it’s brief, unexpected and usually a disaster.”
A Help desk guy speaking to an old lady
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation
Bill and Doug were having a beer at the neighborhood bar.
“What’s the matter?” asked Bill of his buddy.
“You look kind of down.”
“My wife just told me that my lovemaking is just like a news bulletin.”
“Why’s that?”
“Because it’s brief, unexpected and usually a disaster.”
A Help desk guy speaking to an old lady
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation
10.
One day, there were two boys playing by a stream.
One boy went over to the bush to check out some noises.
He pointed out a woman bathing undressed in the steam.
So, both boys decided to stay and watch her.
All of a sudden the second boy took off running.
The first boy couldn’t understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend.
Finally, he caught up to him and asked his friend why he had run away.
The second boy said to his friend, “My mum told me that if I ever saw a undressed lady, I’d turn to stone.”
“I felt something getting hard, so I ran.”
The man looked a little worried when the doctor
He called his wife to make up an excuse
One day, there were two boys playing by a stream.
One boy went over to the bush to check out some noises.
He pointed out a woman bathing undressed in the steam.
So, both boys decided to stay and watch her.
All of a sudden the second boy took off running.
The first boy couldn’t understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend.
Finally, he caught up to him and asked his friend why he had run away.
The second boy said to his friend, “My mum told me that if I ever saw a undressed lady, I’d turn to stone.”
“I felt something getting hard, so I ran.”
The man looked a little worried when the doctor
He called his wife to make up an excuse
11.
One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: “Drinks for all on me including you, bartender.”
So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: “That will be $36.50 please.”
The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender.
Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money.
So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender.
“What, no drink for me?” replies the bartender.
“Oh, no. You get violent when you drink.”
A wealthy boy met a beautiful young girl
Two men died and went to Heaven
One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: “Drinks for all on me including you, bartender.”
So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: “That will be $36.50 please.”
The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender.
Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money.
So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender.
“What, no drink for me?” replies the bartender.
“Oh, no. You get violent when you drink.”
A wealthy boy met a beautiful young girl
Two men died and went to Heaven
12.
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?”
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says,
“Before you tell that joke, you should know something.
Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde.
I’m a six foot tall, 200 lb black belt.
The guy sitting next to me is six foot two, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player.
The fella to your right is six foot five, pushing 300, and he’s a wrestler.
Each one of us is same.
Think about it, Mister.
Do you still wanna tell that joke?”
The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
A brunette goes into a doctor’s office
Two guys are walking through
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?”
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says,
“Before you tell that joke, you should know something.
Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde.
I’m a six foot tall, 200 lb black belt.
The guy sitting next to me is six foot two, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player.
The fella to your right is six foot five, pushing 300, and he’s a wrestler.
Each one of us is same.
Think about it, Mister.
Do you still wanna tell that joke?”
The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
A brunette goes into a doctor’s office
Two guys are walking through
13.
Jim and Edna are both mental patients.
One day Jim jumps into the swimming pool but, doesn’t come up for air.
Quick as a flash, Edna sees her friend in trouble, so dives in and pulls him out.
Later, the hospital director calls Edna into his office and says “Edna, I’ve got some good news and some bad news.
The good news is, we are releasing you as you are obviously sane ‘saving another’s life’.
But unfortunately, the bad news is that Jim hanged himself in the bathroom …”
“Oh no’ Edna replies, that’s where I put him to dry !”
Fred was very old
Tom was in his early
Jim and Edna are both mental patients.
One day Jim jumps into the swimming pool but, doesn’t come up for air.
Quick as a flash, Edna sees her friend in trouble, so dives in and pulls him out.
Later, the hospital director calls Edna into his office and says “Edna, I’ve got some good news and some bad news.
The good news is, we are releasing you as you are obviously sane ‘saving another’s life’.
But unfortunately, the bad news is that Jim hanged himself in the bathroom …”
“Oh no’ Edna replies, that’s where I put him to dry !”
Fred was very old
Tom was in his early
14.
After 25 years of marriage, I took a look at my wife one day and said:
“Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black-and-white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde.
Now, we have a nice house, a nice car, a big bed and a big-screen plasma TV, but I’m sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”
But my wife is a very reasonable woman.
She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she’d make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car and sleeping on a sofa bed.
A blonde went to the hospital
A woman phones up her husband
After 25 years of marriage, I took a look at my wife one day and said:
“Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black-and-white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde.
Now, we have a nice house, a nice car, a big bed and a big-screen plasma TV, but I’m sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”
But my wife is a very reasonable woman.
She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she’d make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car and sleeping on a sofa bed.
A blonde went to the hospital
A woman phones up her husband
15.
Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work.
The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their love lives.
After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.
The following week they met up again to compare notes.
Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, ‘Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend’s office wearing a leather coat.
When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels.
He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!’
The engaged woman giggled and said, ‘That’s pretty much my story! When my fiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps.
He was so turned on that we not only had make love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!’
The married woman put her glass down and said, ‘I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma’s.
I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.
I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, ‘Hey Batman what’s for dinner?
A boss says to his secretary
The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance
Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work.
The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their love lives.
After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.
The following week they met up again to compare notes.
Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, ‘Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend’s office wearing a leather coat.
When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels.
He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!’
The engaged woman giggled and said, ‘That’s pretty much my story! When my fiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps.
He was so turned on that we not only had make love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!’
The married woman put her glass down and said, ‘I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma’s.
I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.
I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, ‘Hey Batman what’s for dinner?
A boss says to his secretary
The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance
16.
A security guard has a dream that the jet plane his boss is supposed to take the next day is going to crash
When he wakes up, he calls his boss at home and tells him.
His boss listens to him and decides not to take the plane.
The next day, the plane crashes.
The boss calls the security guard to his office and gives him a reward and then fires him.
He asks his boss why he’s being let go.
The boss replies, “You were sleeping on the job.”
Supermarket Mother
A man goes inside a pet shop
A security guard has a dream that the jet plane his boss is supposed to take the next day is going to crash
When he wakes up, he calls his boss at home and tells him.
His boss listens to him and decides not to take the plane.
The next day, the plane crashes.
The boss calls the security guard to his office and gives him a reward and then fires him.
He asks his boss why he’s being let go.
The boss replies, “You were sleeping on the job.”
Supermarket Mother
A man goes inside a pet shop
17.
Following a vow of silence, none of the monks were allowed to speak at all.
But there was one exception to this rule every ten years, the monks were permitted to speak just two words.
After spending his first ten years at the monastery, one monk went to the head monk.
“It has been ten years,” said the head monk.
“What are the two words you would like to speak?”
“Bed… hard…” said the monk.
“I see,” replied the head monk.
Ten years later, the monk returned to the head monk’s office.
“It has been ten more years,” said the head monk.
“What are the two words you would like to speak?”
“Food… awful…” said the monk.
“I see,” replied the head monk.
Yet another ten years passed and the monk once again met with the head monk who asked, “What are your two words now, after these ten years?”
The priest asks a little Joey
A Samurai who was known
Following a vow of silence, none of the monks were allowed to speak at all.
But there was one exception to this rule every ten years, the monks were permitted to speak just two words.
After spending his first ten years at the monastery, one monk went to the head monk.
“It has been ten years,” said the head monk.
“What are the two words you would like to speak?”
“Bed… hard…” said the monk.
“I see,” replied the head monk.
Ten years later, the monk returned to the head monk’s office.
“It has been ten more years,” said the head monk.
“What are the two words you would like to speak?”
“Food… awful…” said the monk.
“I see,” replied the head monk.
Yet another ten years passed and the monk once again met with the head monk who asked, “What are your two words now, after these ten years?”
The priest asks a little Joey
A Samurai who was known
18.
At school little Johnny’s class is learning about medicines.
Sister Catherine, the teacher, asks the pupils what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for.
The first pupil said: “Tylenol?”
“Very good! And what is it used for?”
“It is used for a headache.”
The second pupil said: “Nytol.”
“Excellent!” said Sister Catherine. “And what it is used for?”
“To help you sleep”, replied the student.
Now it is Johnny’s turn and he said: what is it used for, Johnny?” asked the surprised Sister catherine.
“It is used for diarrhea.”
“And who told you this, Johnny?”
“Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father,…
‘take a V**gra, and maybe that shit will get harder.’”
Sister Catherine fainted.
A young couple on their wedding night
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender
At school little Johnny’s class is learning about medicines.
Sister Catherine, the teacher, asks the pupils what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for.
The first pupil said: “Tylenol?”
“Very good! And what is it used for?”
“It is used for a headache.”
The second pupil said: “Nytol.”
“Excellent!” said Sister Catherine. “And what it is used for?”
“To help you sleep”, replied the student.
Now it is Johnny’s turn and he said: what is it used for, Johnny?” asked the surprised Sister catherine.
“It is used for diarrhea.”
“And who told you this, Johnny?”
“Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father,…
‘take a V**gra, and maybe that shit will get harder.’”
Sister Catherine fainted.
A young couple on their wedding night
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender
19.
A group of young children were siting in a circle with their teacher.
She was going around in turn asking them all questions.
“David, what noise does a cow make?”
“It goes moo, Miss.”
“That’s right. Alice, what noise does a cat make?”
“It goes meow, Miss.”
“Very good. Steven, what sound does a lamb make?”
“It goes baaa, Miss”
“Correct. Johnny, what sound does a mouse make?”
“Errr… it goes… click!”
The old man placed an order
Wife sent a message to her husband
A group of young children were siting in a circle with their teacher.
She was going around in turn asking them all questions.
“David, what noise does a cow make?”
“It goes moo, Miss.”
“That’s right. Alice, what noise does a cat make?”
“It goes meow, Miss.”
“Very good. Steven, what sound does a lamb make?”
“It goes baaa, Miss”
“Correct. Johnny, what sound does a mouse make?”
“Errr… it goes… click!”
The old man placed an order
Wife sent a message to her husband
20.
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a monkey.
The shop owner points to 3 identical looking monkeys on a perch and says the monkey on the left cost $ 500.00
Why does that one cost so much? asked the shopper.
The owner says well the monkey knows how to use a computer.
The man then asks about the next monkey and was told that this one cost $1000.00,…
because it can do everything the other monkey can do plus he knows the Unix operating system.
Naturally the increasingly startled man asks about the third monkey to be told that it costs $ 2000.00
Needles to say this begs the question.
What can it do?
To which the owner replies:
“To be honest I have never seen him do a thing but the other two call him BOSS
The Grandmother of a just got married grandson
Seems there was a treasure ship on its way
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a monkey.
The shop owner points to 3 identical looking monkeys on a perch and says the monkey on the left cost $ 500.00
Why does that one cost so much? asked the shopper.
The owner says well the monkey knows how to use a computer.
The man then asks about the next monkey and was told that this one cost $1000.00,…
because it can do everything the other monkey can do plus he knows the Unix operating system.
Naturally the increasingly startled man asks about the third monkey to be told that it costs $ 2000.00
Needles to say this begs the question.
What can it do?
To which the owner replies:
“To be honest I have never seen him do a thing but the other two call him BOSS
The Grandmother of a just got married grandson
Seems there was a treasure ship on its way
21.
A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the rubber pack display.
Boy: “Dad, why do they do packs of one protection?”
Dad: “Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights.”
Boy: “So, why do they make packs of three?”
Dad: “For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights.”
Boy: “Then why do they make packs of 12?”
Dad: “Those are for married couples you know, January, February, March.”
A man runs to the doctor
Two couples go on vacation together
A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the rubber pack display.
Boy: “Dad, why do they do packs of one protection?”
Dad: “Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights.”
Boy: “So, why do they make packs of three?”
Dad: “For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights.”
Boy: “Then why do they make packs of 12?”
Dad: “Those are for married couples you know, January, February, March.”
A man runs to the doctor
Two couples go on vacation together
22.
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team’s bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”
Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?”
“Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like, hello? It’s only 25 cents!”
A young couple moved into a new neighborhood
A blonde car gets a flat Tyre
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team’s bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”
Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?”
“Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like, hello? It’s only 25 cents!”
A young couple moved into a new neighborhood
A blonde car gets a flat Tyre
23.
A guy on a date parks his car and gets the girl in the back seat.
They make love, but the girl wants to make love again so the guy complies.
She wants more and they do it once again.
She still wants more and the guy says “Excuse me a minute, I have to relieve myself.”
While out of the car he notices a man half a block away changing a flat.
He asks the man “Look, I’ve got this gal in my car and I’ve made love to her four or five times and she still wants more.
I’ll change your flat if you’ll take over for me.”
So that’s what the man does and he is just getting in the high numbers when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them.
The cop asks, “What are you doing in there?”
The guy says, “I’m making love to my wife.”
The cop asks, “Why don’t you do that at home?”
The guy answers, “To tell you the truth, I didn’t know it was my wife until you shined the light on her.
I have become a victim
Wife discussing christmas presents with her maid
A guy on a date parks his car and gets the girl in the back seat.
They make love, but the girl wants to make love again so the guy complies.
She wants more and they do it once again.
She still wants more and the guy says “Excuse me a minute, I have to relieve myself.”
While out of the car he notices a man half a block away changing a flat.
He asks the man “Look, I’ve got this gal in my car and I’ve made love to her four or five times and she still wants more.
I’ll change your flat if you’ll take over for me.”
So that’s what the man does and he is just getting in the high numbers when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them.
The cop asks, “What are you doing in there?”
The guy says, “I’m making love to my wife.”
The cop asks, “Why don’t you do that at home?”
The guy answers, “To tell you the truth, I didn’t know it was my wife until you shined the light on her.
I have become a victim
Wife discussing christmas presents with her maid
24.
A man calls home to his wife and says, “Honey, I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends.
We’ll be gone for a week.
This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box.
We’re leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up.
Oh! Please pack my new blue silk shorts.
“The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.
The following week end he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
He says, “Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike, but why didn’t you pack my new blue silk shorts like I asked you to do?”
You’ll love this… The wife replies, “I did, they’re in your tackle box.”
A elderly couple was celebrating
A man and his wife were having some problems
A man calls home to his wife and says, “Honey, I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends.
We’ll be gone for a week.
This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box.
We’re leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up.
Oh! Please pack my new blue silk shorts.
“The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.
The following week end he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
He says, “Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike, but why didn’t you pack my new blue silk shorts like I asked you to do?”
You’ll love this… The wife replies, “I did, they’re in your tackle box.”
A elderly couple was celebrating
A man and his wife were having some problems
25.
76 million are retired.
That leaves 251 million to do the work.
There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.
Which leaves 203 million to do the work.
There are 74 million children younger than 6.
Which leaves 129 million to do the work.
There are 95.2 million children and young adults in school.
Which leaves 33.8 million to do the work.
At any given time, there are roughly 4 million people on vacation.
Which leaves 29.8 million to do the work.
Of this there are 15 million employed by the federal government, not including the military.
Leaving 14.8 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with North Korea and the Middle East.
Which leaves 12 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city Governments.
And that leaves 1.2 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,012,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,011,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
A leper goes to watch a baseball game
A young lady was waiting for her flight
76 million are retired.
That leaves 251 million to do the work.
There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.
Which leaves 203 million to do the work.
There are 74 million children younger than 6.
Which leaves 129 million to do the work.
There are 95.2 million children and young adults in school.
Which leaves 33.8 million to do the work.
At any given time, there are roughly 4 million people on vacation.
Which leaves 29.8 million to do the work.
Of this there are 15 million employed by the federal government, not including the military.
Leaving 14.8 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with North Korea and the Middle East.
Which leaves 12 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city Governments.
And that leaves 1.2 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,012,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,011,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
A leper goes to watch a baseball game
A young lady was waiting for her flight
26.
Death comes to collect a man’s soul.
When he gets to the man’s home, he sees the man and his family are in the middle of party.
Death tells the man why he has come.
The man begs death to spare him but death insists that he must start at the top of his list and his name is first.
The man sadly agrees but asks death if he could at least finish up the party with his family.
Death agrees and they invite him to join the festivities.
While death is distracted with the party, the man quickly moves his name to the bottom of the list.
Death has a great time and at the end of the party he’s in a good mood. He turns to the man and says,
“You know what? Since you’ve treated me to such a great time, I’ll start from the bottom of the list this time.”
Wife Going To Las Vegas
Two Lawyer Friends Playing Golf
Death comes to collect a man’s soul.
When he gets to the man’s home, he sees the man and his family are in the middle of party.
Death tells the man why he has come.
The man begs death to spare him but death insists that he must start at the top of his list and his name is first.
The man sadly agrees but asks death if he could at least finish up the party with his family.
Death agrees and they invite him to join the festivities.
While death is distracted with the party, the man quickly moves his name to the bottom of the list.
Death has a great time and at the end of the party he’s in a good mood. He turns to the man and says,
“You know what? Since you’ve treated me to such a great time, I’ll start from the bottom of the list this time.”
Wife Going To Las Vegas
Two Lawyer Friends Playing Golf
27.
Bidding at a local auction was proceeding furiously when the auctioneer suddenly announced,
“A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000.”
If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000.
There was a moment’s silence, and then from the back of the room came the cry.
“Two thousand five hundred!”
The old man and young man
Traffic Accident
Bidding at a local auction was proceeding furiously when the auctioneer suddenly announced,
“A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000.”
If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000.
There was a moment’s silence, and then from the back of the room came the cry.
“Two thousand five hundred!”
The old man and young man
Traffic Accident
28.
A young banker decided to get his first tailor-made suit.
So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit.
A week later he went in for his first fitting.
He put on the suit and he looked fabulous, he felt that in this suit he can do business.
As he was preening himself in front of the mirror, he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise, he noticed that there were no pockets.
He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, “Didn’t you tell me you were a banker?”
The young man answered, “Yes, I did.”
To this, the tailor said, “Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?”
Karen lost her husband almost four years
A psychiatrist had no patients in his office
A young banker decided to get his first tailor-made suit.
So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit.
A week later he went in for his first fitting.
He put on the suit and he looked fabulous, he felt that in this suit he can do business.
As he was preening himself in front of the mirror, he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise, he noticed that there were no pockets.
He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, “Didn’t you tell me you were a banker?”
The young man answered, “Yes, I did.”
To this, the tailor said, “Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?”
Karen lost her husband almost four years
A psychiatrist had no patients in his office
29.
Frank went to the gym as he wants to loose weight to get a girlfriend.
The receptionist gave him some promotion pack options of “loose 1kg guaranteed”, “loose 3 kg guaranteed”, “loose 5kg guaranteed” and “loose 10kg guarantees”.
However you must do 1 then 3 then 5 then 10.
He accepted the offer and the receptionist told him to wait at home.
The next day, the doorbell rang.
Frank opened the door to a hot girl standing with a sign around her neck saying “catch me and I’m yours”.
The girl took off and Frank went running after her for 10km.
Unable to catch, he went back home.
After the exhaustion wore off, he found that he lost 1 kg.
Delighted, he immediately went back to the gym and signed up for the 3kg package.
The next day, the doorbell rang again.
Frank opened the door to an even hotter girl, shirtless with the same sign.
Again, she took off and he ran after her. This time for 20km.
Frank was again unable to catch.
So he went home disappointed, until he found that he lost 3kg.
So again, he went back to the gym for round 3, 5kg.
The next day, the doorbell rang.
It was an even hotter girl, only wearing corset, thongs and running shoes with a sign, “catch me and I’m yours”.
He chased her until sunset, nearly catching her.
He went home excited.
Finding himself loosing 5kg, and that he’d catch the next one, maybe a completely undressed hot women.
He went to the gym for the 10kg package.
He turned around to find a buffed bodybuilder with a sign around his neck.
“Catch you, and you’re mine.”
Three Nuns Are Talking
One day, there were two boys
Frank went to the gym as he wants to loose weight to get a girlfriend.
The receptionist gave him some promotion pack options of “loose 1kg guaranteed”, “loose 3 kg guaranteed”, “loose 5kg guaranteed” and “loose 10kg guarantees”.
However you must do 1 then 3 then 5 then 10.
He accepted the offer and the receptionist told him to wait at home.
The next day, the doorbell rang.
Frank opened the door to a hot girl standing with a sign around her neck saying “catch me and I’m yours”.
The girl took off and Frank went running after her for 10km.
Unable to catch, he went back home.
After the exhaustion wore off, he found that he lost 1 kg.
Delighted, he immediately went back to the gym and signed up for the 3kg package.
The next day, the doorbell rang again.
Frank opened the door to an even hotter girl, shirtless with the same sign.
Again, she took off and he ran after her. This time for 20km.
Frank was again unable to catch.
So he went home disappointed, until he found that he lost 3kg.
So again, he went back to the gym for round 3, 5kg.
The next day, the doorbell rang.
It was an even hotter girl, only wearing corset, thongs and running shoes with a sign, “catch me and I’m yours”.
He chased her until sunset, nearly catching her.
He went home excited.
Finding himself loosing 5kg, and that he’d catch the next one, maybe a completely undressed hot women.
He went to the gym for the 10kg package.
He turned around to find a buffed bodybuilder with a sign around his neck.
“Catch you, and you’re mine.”
Three Nuns Are Talking
One day, there were two boys
30.
Two Blondes, living in Kansas, were sitting on a bench one evening, one asked the other.
“What do you think is farther, Florida or the moon?”
The other blonde give her a puzzled look and replies,
“Helloooooooooooooooooooo Can you see Florida??????!!!!!!”
A teacher was giving an assignment
Three ex-pats are drinking in a NY city bar
Two Blondes, living in Kansas, were sitting on a bench one evening, one asked the other.
“What do you think is farther, Florida or the moon?”
The other blonde give her a puzzled look and replies,
“Helloooooooooooooooooooo Can you see Florida??????!!!!!!”
A teacher was giving an assignment
Three ex-pats are drinking in a NY city bar
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eng jokes