1.
A guy goes on to a ship to sail (and work) but he notices no women on board.
so he runs to the captain Guy: capt. capt.! there’s no women on board what will be do for pleasure???
capt.:Ohh… don’t worry me laddie just stick your weapon in that barrel and everything will be alright.
So after a few weeks at sea the guy sticks his weapon in the barrel and gets a wonderful sensation.
So he does this every day after that until one day he sticks his weapon in the barrel and nothing happens.
So he runs to the captain and says Guy: capt capt! i stuck my weapon in the barrel and nothing happe!
Capt.:Ohhh i forgot to tell you laddie its your turn in the barrel!
Johnny went to school
This is a seed bank
A guy goes on to a ship to sail (and work) but he notices no women on board.
so he runs to the captain Guy: capt. capt.! there’s no women on board what will be do for pleasure???
capt.:Ohh… don’t worry me laddie just stick your weapon in that barrel and everything will be alright.
So after a few weeks at sea the guy sticks his weapon in the barrel and gets a wonderful sensation.
So he does this every day after that until one day he sticks his weapon in the barrel and nothing happens.
So he runs to the captain and says Guy: capt capt! i stuck my weapon in the barrel and nothing happe!
Capt.:Ohhh i forgot to tell you laddie its your turn in the barrel!
Johnny went to school
This is a seed bank
2.
In a small rural town the local doctor is known for his abrupt bed-side manners.
His last appointment for the Friday afternoon shows up a bit late, and he is more agitated than normally.
“Yeah, you’re late sit down and speak up!” he greets the woman.
“Doctor, I’m having difficulty falling pregnant, I’ve been trying for years and to no success.”
The doctor doesn’t look up and says, “Good get rid of the clothes and go lie on the bed, and be quick about it.
I’m in a hurry.”
So the woman walks over to the bed and as she was undressing she slowly and very unsurely says, “Doctor, I actually would have preferred the baby to be my husband’s.”
One late Saturday night a young guy
I have become a victim
In a small rural town the local doctor is known for his abrupt bed-side manners.
His last appointment for the Friday afternoon shows up a bit late, and he is more agitated than normally.
“Yeah, you’re late sit down and speak up!” he greets the woman.
“Doctor, I’m having difficulty falling pregnant, I’ve been trying for years and to no success.”
The doctor doesn’t look up and says, “Good get rid of the clothes and go lie on the bed, and be quick about it.
I’m in a hurry.”
So the woman walks over to the bed and as she was undressing she slowly and very unsurely says, “Doctor, I actually would have preferred the baby to be my husband’s.”
One late Saturday night a young guy
I have become a victim
3.
Bob goes to see his friend Pete.
He finds Pete in his barn dancing undressed around his John Deere.
“What are you doing!” asks Bob.
Pete stops dancing & says,
“My wife has been ignoring me lately so I talked to my psychiatrist and he said I needed to do some thing nice to a tractor.”
A woman awakes during the night
Brian proposed to Jill
Bob goes to see his friend Pete.
He finds Pete in his barn dancing undressed around his John Deere.
“What are you doing!” asks Bob.
Pete stops dancing & says,
“My wife has been ignoring me lately so I talked to my psychiatrist and he said I needed to do some thing nice to a tractor.”
A woman awakes during the night
Brian proposed to Jill
4.
There is an overweight guy who is watching TV.
A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week.
So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it.
Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”
As soon as he sees her, she takes off running.
He tries to catch her, but is unable.
This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds.
After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week.
The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions.
The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her.
This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less.
Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program.
Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan.
Still he signs up.
The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, “If I catch you, you’re mine!”
The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.
This little guy sitting in a bar
A business man got on an elevator in a building
There is an overweight guy who is watching TV.
A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week.
So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it.
Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”
As soon as he sees her, she takes off running.
He tries to catch her, but is unable.
This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds.
After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week.
The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions.
The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her.
This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less.
Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program.
Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan.
Still he signs up.
The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, “If I catch you, you’re mine!”
The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.
This little guy sitting in a bar
A business man got on an elevator in a building
5.
An 82-year-old husband and 80-year wife went to breakfast at a restaurant,
Where the ‘seniors’ special’ was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.
‘Sounds good,’ the wife said.
‘But I don’t want the eggs.’ Said the old husband.
‘Then, I’ll have to charge you $3.49 because you’re ordering a la carte,’ the waitress warned her.
‘You mean I’d have to pay for not taking the eggs?’ wife asked incredulously.
‘YES!’ stated the waitress.
‘I’ll take the special then,’ wife said…
‘How do you want your eggs?’ the waitress asked.
‘Raw and in the shell,’ the wife replied.
She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.
A couple is dressed and ready
A rich tycoon and his wife are having dinner
An 82-year-old husband and 80-year wife went to breakfast at a restaurant,
Where the ‘seniors’ special’ was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.
‘Sounds good,’ the wife said.
‘But I don’t want the eggs.’ Said the old husband.
‘Then, I’ll have to charge you $3.49 because you’re ordering a la carte,’ the waitress warned her.
‘You mean I’d have to pay for not taking the eggs?’ wife asked incredulously.
‘YES!’ stated the waitress.
‘I’ll take the special then,’ wife said…
‘How do you want your eggs?’ the waitress asked.
‘Raw and in the shell,’ the wife replied.
She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.
A couple is dressed and ready
A rich tycoon and his wife are having dinner
6.
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.
From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something.
The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule he tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field.
He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd.
When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: “Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.”
“And what about the men?” the minister asked.
“They all wanted to know if the mule was for sale.”
A guard dog
The Argentinean golfer Robert
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.
From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something.
The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule he tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field.
He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd.
When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: “Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.”
“And what about the men?” the minister asked.
“They all wanted to know if the mule was for sale.”
A guard dog
The Argentinean golfer Robert
7.
During a visit to a closed institution
A woman comes to the doctor with broken teeth
During a visit to a closed institution
A woman comes to the doctor with broken teeth
8.
The man checked his speed and saw he was going 30mph.
He thought, “Am I crazy, or is this chicken keeping pace with me at 30mph?”
So he sped up 40mph, and to his surprise, the chicken kept running right next to his car.
“This can’t be right.”, the man thought.
“No chicken can run this fast.”
So he sped up to 50mph.
The chicken, amazingly, kept pace with his car the man looked closely at the chicken, and he saw it also had 3 legs.
“A 3 legged chicken, running 50 miles per hour? Am I dreaming? How can this be real?”
So the man sped up to 60mph.
The chicken also sped up and kept pace with his car then, to the man’s astonishment, passed his car and ran a few yards ahead, then suddenly turned hard left down another road without slowing down.
The man hit the brakes, and turned down the road to follow the chicken, but the chicken was out of sight but a little ways down the road, the man saw a farmer out to get his mail.
The man stopped next to the farmer and said, “Hey! Did you just see a 3-legged chicken come tearing down this road at 60 miles per hour?”
The farmer looked at the man and said, “Yup, I saw him he was one of mine.”
“One of yours??”, said the man, incredulous.
“Yup”, said the farmer.
“You see, I raise 3 legged chickens.
I like to eat the drumstick, my wife likes to eat the drumstick, and now our little boy likes to eat the drumstick, so I got tired of us fighting over them and decided to use some selective breeding until I got 3 legged chickens.”
“That’s amazing!”, said the man.
“Well, congratulations on your successful breeding program and how do they taste?”
“Well”, said the farmer.
“I don’t know I’ve never been able to catch one.”
A important race on a new horse
Two nuns were shopping
The man checked his speed and saw he was going 30mph.
He thought, “Am I crazy, or is this chicken keeping pace with me at 30mph?”
So he sped up 40mph, and to his surprise, the chicken kept running right next to his car.
“This can’t be right.”, the man thought.
“No chicken can run this fast.”
So he sped up to 50mph.
The chicken, amazingly, kept pace with his car the man looked closely at the chicken, and he saw it also had 3 legs.
“A 3 legged chicken, running 50 miles per hour? Am I dreaming? How can this be real?”
So the man sped up to 60mph.
The chicken also sped up and kept pace with his car then, to the man’s astonishment, passed his car and ran a few yards ahead, then suddenly turned hard left down another road without slowing down.
The man hit the brakes, and turned down the road to follow the chicken, but the chicken was out of sight but a little ways down the road, the man saw a farmer out to get his mail.
The man stopped next to the farmer and said, “Hey! Did you just see a 3-legged chicken come tearing down this road at 60 miles per hour?”
The farmer looked at the man and said, “Yup, I saw him he was one of mine.”
“One of yours??”, said the man, incredulous.
“Yup”, said the farmer.
“You see, I raise 3 legged chickens.
I like to eat the drumstick, my wife likes to eat the drumstick, and now our little boy likes to eat the drumstick, so I got tired of us fighting over them and decided to use some selective breeding until I got 3 legged chickens.”
“That’s amazing!”, said the man.
“Well, congratulations on your successful breeding program and how do they taste?”
“Well”, said the farmer.
“I don’t know I’ve never been able to catch one.”
A important race on a new horse
Two nuns were shopping
9.
Three elderly men are at the doctor’s office for a memory test.
The doctor asks the first man, “What is three times three?”
“274,” came the reply.
The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to the second man,
“It’s your turn. What is three times three?”
“Tuesday,” replies the second man.
The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man,
“Okay, your turn. What’s three times three?”
“Nine,” says the third man.
“That’s great!” says the doctor.
“How did you get that?”
“Simple,” he says, “just subtract 274 from Tuesday.”
The wife served breakfast to the Husband
The housewife was having her TV repaired
Three elderly men are at the doctor’s office for a memory test.
The doctor asks the first man, “What is three times three?”
“274,” came the reply.
The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to the second man,
“It’s your turn. What is three times three?”
“Tuesday,” replies the second man.
The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man,
“Okay, your turn. What’s three times three?”
“Nine,” says the third man.
“That’s great!” says the doctor.
“How did you get that?”
“Simple,” he says, “just subtract 274 from Tuesday.”
The wife served breakfast to the Husband
The housewife was having her TV repaired
10.
A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator.
He says to the other patrons, “Here’s the deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and insert my genitals.
The gator will close his mouth for one full minute, then open it, and I’ll remove my unit unscathed .
If it works everyone buys me drinks.”
All of the other patrons clap and cheer. It’s a deal.
So the guy opens the gator’s mouth. The gator closes its mouth.
After a minute, the guy grabs a bottle and smashes it to the gator’s head, he opens the mouth and removes his genitals unharmed.
Everyone buys him drinks.
Then he says: “I’ll pay $100 to anyone else who’s willing to give it a try.”
After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the room. It’s a woman.
“I’ll try.” She says. “But you have to promise not to hit me with the beer bottle after the minute is up.”
Two 90 year old men
3 sailors get stranded on an island
A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator.
He says to the other patrons, “Here’s the deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and insert my genitals.
The gator will close his mouth for one full minute, then open it, and I’ll remove my unit unscathed .
If it works everyone buys me drinks.”
All of the other patrons clap and cheer. It’s a deal.
So the guy opens the gator’s mouth. The gator closes its mouth.
After a minute, the guy grabs a bottle and smashes it to the gator’s head, he opens the mouth and removes his genitals unharmed.
Everyone buys him drinks.
Then he says: “I’ll pay $100 to anyone else who’s willing to give it a try.”
After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the room. It’s a woman.
“I’ll try.” She says. “But you have to promise not to hit me with the beer bottle after the minute is up.”
Two 90 year old men
3 sailors get stranded on an island
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11.
Three women die together in an accident And go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven: Don’t step on the ducks!”
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, There are ducks all over the place It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, And although they try their best to avoid them, The first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”
The next day, The second woman steps accidentally on a duck And along comes St. Peter, Who doesn’t miss a thing with him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, Not wanting to be chained For all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months Without stepping on any ducks,
But One day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”
The guy says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”
Two men both seriously ill
The pilot announced
Three women die together in an accident And go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven: Don’t step on the ducks!”
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, There are ducks all over the place It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, And although they try their best to avoid them, The first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”
The next day, The second woman steps accidentally on a duck And along comes St. Peter, Who doesn’t miss a thing with him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, Not wanting to be chained For all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months Without stepping on any ducks,
But One day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”
The guy says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”
Two men both seriously ill
The pilot announced
12.
A man had a parrot of which he was excessively fond.
He kept it in a silver cage and fed it fruits and nuts and anything else the bird asked for, for the parrot was so clever it could engage in conversation.
The parrot longed for freedom and often asked for it but the merchant would always reply: “Ask for anything else.”
One day the parrot said to him: “Give me freedom and I’ll give you three pieces of advice that could be of great benefit to you.”
The merchant loved the parrot but he loved money more.
He thought: “If his advice helps me amass wealth, it would be worth it.”
“Go,” he said, opening the cage.
The parrot hopped out onto his hand.
“Never grieve over loss of wealth,” he said.
The merchant thought it was tame advice but said nothing.
The parrot flew to the roof of the merchant’s house.
“This is my second advice,” he said.
“Never believe everything that is told to you.”
“Tell me something that I don’t know,” said the man, sounding annoyed.
“What you don’t know is that I’ve two priceless gems in my stomach,” said the bird.
“Two priceless gems,” echoed the merchant.
“Oh, what a fool I was to set you free! I’ll regret this for the rest of my life!!”
“Don’t you want to hear my third advice?” asked the parrot.
“Tell me,” said the merchant, bitterly.
“I advised you never to grieve over losses but here you are grieving over losing me,” said the parrot.
“I advised you never to believe everything you hear but you immediately believed me when I told you I had two gems in my stomach.
Could I have survived if I really had two gems in my stomach?
My third advice is: “Listen, learn to listen with your mind instead of just with your ears.”
And with that, the parrot flew away, leaving the merchant gaping.
Test their skills in recognizing
A man asks in a formal tone
A man had a parrot of which he was excessively fond.
He kept it in a silver cage and fed it fruits and nuts and anything else the bird asked for, for the parrot was so clever it could engage in conversation.
The parrot longed for freedom and often asked for it but the merchant would always reply: “Ask for anything else.”
One day the parrot said to him: “Give me freedom and I’ll give you three pieces of advice that could be of great benefit to you.”
The merchant loved the parrot but he loved money more.
He thought: “If his advice helps me amass wealth, it would be worth it.”
“Go,” he said, opening the cage.
The parrot hopped out onto his hand.
“Never grieve over loss of wealth,” he said.
The merchant thought it was tame advice but said nothing.
The parrot flew to the roof of the merchant’s house.
“This is my second advice,” he said.
“Never believe everything that is told to you.”
“Tell me something that I don’t know,” said the man, sounding annoyed.
“What you don’t know is that I’ve two priceless gems in my stomach,” said the bird.
“Two priceless gems,” echoed the merchant.
“Oh, what a fool I was to set you free! I’ll regret this for the rest of my life!!”
“Don’t you want to hear my third advice?” asked the parrot.
“Tell me,” said the merchant, bitterly.
“I advised you never to grieve over losses but here you are grieving over losing me,” said the parrot.
“I advised you never to believe everything you hear but you immediately believed me when I told you I had two gems in my stomach.
Could I have survived if I really had two gems in my stomach?
My third advice is: “Listen, learn to listen with your mind instead of just with your ears.”
And with that, the parrot flew away, leaving the merchant gaping.
Test their skills in recognizing
A man asks in a formal tone
13.
Week after week, the man came to his pastor with a big problem.
“When I go to bed, I can’t sleep because I’m afraid of monsters under my bed.
I know it’s silly, but I can’t help it.”
The pastor recommended prayer, reading the Bible, singing hymns, keeping the lights on, but nothing worked.
One Sunday the man came to church happy and well rested.
He got the answer from his friend the carpenter.
“He told me just to cut the legs off the bed!”
His new girlfriend demanded
A local priest
Week after week, the man came to his pastor with a big problem.
“When I go to bed, I can’t sleep because I’m afraid of monsters under my bed.
I know it’s silly, but I can’t help it.”
The pastor recommended prayer, reading the Bible, singing hymns, keeping the lights on, but nothing worked.
One Sunday the man came to church happy and well rested.
He got the answer from his friend the carpenter.
“He told me just to cut the legs off the bed!”
His new girlfriend demanded
A local priest
14.
A young man was watching the news when the reporter switched to the traffic.
“A car is driving in the wrong direction along Interstate 45, be careful if you must drive on that road.”
The young man remembers that his grandmother is driving that way and calls her up to warn her.
“Hey, Grandma, there’s a car driving the wrong way on Interstate 45. Be careful!”
His grandmother replies, “No kidding, there are hundreds of them!”
A blonde woman walks into bank
Three fathers we sitting in a bar
A young man was watching the news when the reporter switched to the traffic.
“A car is driving in the wrong direction along Interstate 45, be careful if you must drive on that road.”
The young man remembers that his grandmother is driving that way and calls her up to warn her.
“Hey, Grandma, there’s a car driving the wrong way on Interstate 45. Be careful!”
His grandmother replies, “No kidding, there are hundreds of them!”
A blonde woman walks into bank
Three fathers we sitting in a bar
15.
A six-year-old boy was standing with his father in front of the polar bear enclosure at the zoo.
The father was telling the boy how dangerous polar bears were and that, of all the animals in the zoo, they were the ones that the keepers feared most.
Eventually, the boy said:
“Dad, what if the polar bear escapes and eats you up…?”
“Yes, son?”
“Which bus do I catch home?”
The teacher was starting a new lesson
A truck driver was going down
A six-year-old boy was standing with his father in front of the polar bear enclosure at the zoo.
The father was telling the boy how dangerous polar bears were and that, of all the animals in the zoo, they were the ones that the keepers feared most.
Eventually, the boy said:
“Dad, what if the polar bear escapes and eats you up…?”
“Yes, son?”
“Which bus do I catch home?”
The teacher was starting a new lesson
A truck driver was going down
16.
A horse, a cow, and a chicken live on a farm.
One day their owner goes on vacation but accidentally leaves the TV on.
The animals peek in the window and witness a rock concert on the TV, they’re inspired.
So the horse calls up guitar center and asks, “hey I want to learn the guitar, but there’s one problem: I’m a horse.”
The employee says “no problem come right down we’ll teach you everything you need to know” and before you know it, he’s jamming out on the guitar.
After that, the cow calls too and says, “hey I want to learn how to play the bass but there’s a problem: I’m a cow” to where the employee replies “awesome! We have special bass lessons just for cows this week come on down!”
And before you know it the horse and cow are jamming in harmony with their guitar and bass.
Lastly the chicken calls and asks for drum lessons, to where he is accepted with open arms.
They are now all jamming in the barn and having a blast.
A few days later, a record producer coincidentally walks through town and sees the horse, cow, and the chicken making music.
He instantly knows he has to make them famous and offers them a deal.
Now the horse, cow, and chicken are famous, worldwide rock stars making millions of dollars and even moved off the farm to a luxurious estate.
With the fortune came fame and life were great.
One day, on the way to tour before boarding the plane, the horse gets a phone call, his mom is sick!
The cow and the chicken say “don’t worry we’ll go without you, catch up and the tour will continue it’ll be fine”
So the horse goes to check on his mother. It turns out it was a false alarm, but the plane crashes and the cow and chicken die.
The horse is devastated, the money power and fame are gone, the music is in the past, and he is back to the barn, but alone without his friends.
In agony and desperation after such a long journey, he decides to get a drink.
He walks into the bar and the bartender asks: “Why the long face?”
Two men are having slow round of golf
Two old guys were sitting on a park bench
A horse, a cow, and a chicken live on a farm.
One day their owner goes on vacation but accidentally leaves the TV on.
The animals peek in the window and witness a rock concert on the TV, they’re inspired.
So the horse calls up guitar center and asks, “hey I want to learn the guitar, but there’s one problem: I’m a horse.”
The employee says “no problem come right down we’ll teach you everything you need to know” and before you know it, he’s jamming out on the guitar.
After that, the cow calls too and says, “hey I want to learn how to play the bass but there’s a problem: I’m a cow” to where the employee replies “awesome! We have special bass lessons just for cows this week come on down!”
And before you know it the horse and cow are jamming in harmony with their guitar and bass.
Lastly the chicken calls and asks for drum lessons, to where he is accepted with open arms.
They are now all jamming in the barn and having a blast.
A few days later, a record producer coincidentally walks through town and sees the horse, cow, and the chicken making music.
He instantly knows he has to make them famous and offers them a deal.
Now the horse, cow, and chicken are famous, worldwide rock stars making millions of dollars and even moved off the farm to a luxurious estate.
With the fortune came fame and life were great.
One day, on the way to tour before boarding the plane, the horse gets a phone call, his mom is sick!
The cow and the chicken say “don’t worry we’ll go without you, catch up and the tour will continue it’ll be fine”
So the horse goes to check on his mother. It turns out it was a false alarm, but the plane crashes and the cow and chicken die.
The horse is devastated, the money power and fame are gone, the music is in the past, and he is back to the barn, but alone without his friends.
In agony and desperation after such a long journey, he decides to get a drink.
He walks into the bar and the bartender asks: “Why the long face?”
Two men are having slow round of golf
Two old guys were sitting on a park bench
17.
There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park.
He was a widower and she a widow.
They had known one another for a number of years.
Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.
These two were at the same table, across from one another.
As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, “Will you marry me?”
After a dramatic pause and precisely six seconds of ‘careful consideration,’ she answered.
“Yes. Yes, I will.”
The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. “Did she say ‘yes’ or did she say ‘no’?”
He couldn’t remember.
Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained to her that he didn’t remember as well as he used to.
Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.
As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her,
“When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘Yes’ or did you say ‘No’?”
He was delighted to hear her say, “Why, I said, ‘Yes, yes I will’ and I meant it with all my heart.”
Then she continued, “And I am so glad that you called because I couldn’t remember who had asked me.”
A city boy driving through passes a chicken farm
A couple were Christmas shopping
There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park.
He was a widower and she a widow.
They had known one another for a number of years.
Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.
These two were at the same table, across from one another.
As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, “Will you marry me?”
After a dramatic pause and precisely six seconds of ‘careful consideration,’ she answered.
“Yes. Yes, I will.”
The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. “Did she say ‘yes’ or did she say ‘no’?”
He couldn’t remember.
Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained to her that he didn’t remember as well as he used to.
Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.
As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her,
“When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘Yes’ or did you say ‘No’?”
He was delighted to hear her say, “Why, I said, ‘Yes, yes I will’ and I meant it with all my heart.”
Then she continued, “And I am so glad that you called because I couldn’t remember who had asked me.”
A city boy driving through passes a chicken farm
A couple were Christmas shopping
18.
Cassan Said Amer tells a story about a lecturer who began a seminar holding up a one dollar bill, and asking:
Who wants this dollar bill?
Several hands went up, but the lecturer said: before handing it over, there’s something I must do.
He furiously crushed it, and asked again: who still wants this bill?
The hands continued raised and what if I do this?
He threw it against the wall, letting it fall to the floor, kicked it, stamped in it and again held up the bill – all dirty and crumpled.
He repeated the question, and the hands continued to be held high.
You mustn’t ever forget this scene – said the lecturer no matter what I do with this money, it’ll still be a one dollar bill.
“Many times in our lives, we are crushed, stamped on, kicked, maltreated, offended; however, in spite of this, we are still worth the same.”
A young man from the city
The Lion & Mouse
Cassan Said Amer tells a story about a lecturer who began a seminar holding up a one dollar bill, and asking:
Who wants this dollar bill?
Several hands went up, but the lecturer said: before handing it over, there’s something I must do.
He furiously crushed it, and asked again: who still wants this bill?
The hands continued raised and what if I do this?
He threw it against the wall, letting it fall to the floor, kicked it, stamped in it and again held up the bill – all dirty and crumpled.
He repeated the question, and the hands continued to be held high.
You mustn’t ever forget this scene – said the lecturer no matter what I do with this money, it’ll still be a one dollar bill.
“Many times in our lives, we are crushed, stamped on, kicked, maltreated, offended; however, in spite of this, we are still worth the same.”
A young man from the city
The Lion & Mouse
19.
The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, Sir I must have misunderstood you what did you say?”
“Listen up, damn it I said I want to open a damn checking account now!”
“I’m very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank.”
The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation.
The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that sort of language.
They both return to the window and the manager asks the old biker, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?”
“There is no damn problem,” the man says,
“I just won 50 million dollars in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!”
“I see,” says the manager, “And is this bitch giving you a hard time?”
A cop notices how fast he is going
A Amish Lady Driving Her Horse-Drawn Buggy
The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, Sir I must have misunderstood you what did you say?”
“Listen up, damn it I said I want to open a damn checking account now!”
“I’m very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank.”
The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation.
The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that sort of language.
They both return to the window and the manager asks the old biker, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?”
“There is no damn problem,” the man says,
“I just won 50 million dollars in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!”
“I see,” says the manager, “And is this bitch giving you a hard time?”
A cop notices how fast he is going
A Amish Lady Driving Her Horse-Drawn Buggy
20.
A guy and a girl met at a bar.
They started getting along really well and they decide to go to the girl’s place for a drink.
A few drinks later, the guy took off his shirt and washed his hands.
He then took off his socks and washed his hands.
The girl looked at him and said, “You must be a dentist!”
Flabbergasted, the guy responded, “Why yes. That’s amazing. How did you determine that?”
The woman replied, “Easy… you keep washing your hands.”
Well, one thing led to another, and they migrated to the bed. Things became more and more passionate and after their passionate deed was done the woman remarked, “You must be a GREAT dentist!”
The guy was very surprised, and said ‘Yes! Yes! I sure am a great dentist You amaze me! And how did you know THAT, my dear?
His lover said, “That’s easy. I didn’t feel a thing.”
A old lady dies and goes to Heaven
A blonde enters a store that sells curtains
A guy and a girl met at a bar.
They started getting along really well and they decide to go to the girl’s place for a drink.
A few drinks later, the guy took off his shirt and washed his hands.
He then took off his socks and washed his hands.
The girl looked at him and said, “You must be a dentist!”
Flabbergasted, the guy responded, “Why yes. That’s amazing. How did you determine that?”
The woman replied, “Easy… you keep washing your hands.”
Well, one thing led to another, and they migrated to the bed. Things became more and more passionate and after their passionate deed was done the woman remarked, “You must be a GREAT dentist!”
The guy was very surprised, and said ‘Yes! Yes! I sure am a great dentist You amaze me! And how did you know THAT, my dear?
His lover said, “That’s easy. I didn’t feel a thing.”
A old lady dies and goes to Heaven
A blonde enters a store that sells curtains
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21.
A woman went to see her psychiatrist.
“I’m really concerned,” she said.
“The other day I found my daughter and the little boy next door together, naked, examining each other’s bodies and giggling.”
The psychiatrist smiled.
“That’s nothing to worry about, it’s pretty normal.”
“Well, I don’t know,” said the woman, “It worries me. It worries my daughter’s husband too.”
A guy meets a girl out at a nightclub
A man meets a woman at a bar
A woman went to see her psychiatrist.
“I’m really concerned,” she said.
“The other day I found my daughter and the little boy next door together, naked, examining each other’s bodies and giggling.”
The psychiatrist smiled.
“That’s nothing to worry about, it’s pretty normal.”
“Well, I don’t know,” said the woman, “It worries me. It worries my daughter’s husband too.”
A guy meets a girl out at a nightclub
A man meets a woman at a bar
22.
Mr. Evans discovered that her daughter found a boyfriend.
Being a protective father that he is, he starts interrogating her about the mystery guy.
“Did he finish college?” he asked.
“Yes, Dad. In fact, he was always top of his class,” replied the proud girl.
“Well, does he have a decent job?” he asked further.
“But of course!” she said.
“Given his good fortune, does he give to charity?” asked the curious dad.
To which the daughter replied, “He is the most generous person I’ve ever known. In fact, many people think the same.”
“That’s great, Emily! I can’t wait to meet this guy,” he said finally.
Emily smiled at him and said, “Oh you know him, Dad. He’s the priest at our Church!”
A ship captain was alerted
A man goes to a female dentist
Mr. Evans discovered that her daughter found a boyfriend.
Being a protective father that he is, he starts interrogating her about the mystery guy.
“Did he finish college?” he asked.
“Yes, Dad. In fact, he was always top of his class,” replied the proud girl.
“Well, does he have a decent job?” he asked further.
“But of course!” she said.
“Given his good fortune, does he give to charity?” asked the curious dad.
To which the daughter replied, “He is the most generous person I’ve ever known. In fact, many people think the same.”
“That’s great, Emily! I can’t wait to meet this guy,” he said finally.
Emily smiled at him and said, “Oh you know him, Dad. He’s the priest at our Church!”
A ship captain was alerted
A man goes to a female dentist
23.
A man knocked at his Bedouin friend’s door to ask him a favor:
“I want you to lend me four thousand dinars because I have a debt to pay can you do that for me?”
The friend asked his wife to gather together everything they had of value, but even so it was not enough.
They had to go out and borrow money from the neighbors until they managed to get the full amount.
When the man left, the woman noticed that her husband was crying.
“Why are you sad? Now that we’ve got ourselves in debt with our neighbors, are you afraid we won’t be able to repay them?”
“Nothing of the sort! I’m crying because he is someone I love so much, but even so I had no idea he was in need.
“I only remembered him when he had to knock on my door to ask me for a loan.”
The porcupines decided to group
Two hunters from Moscow charter
A man knocked at his Bedouin friend’s door to ask him a favor:
“I want you to lend me four thousand dinars because I have a debt to pay can you do that for me?”
The friend asked his wife to gather together everything they had of value, but even so it was not enough.
They had to go out and borrow money from the neighbors until they managed to get the full amount.
When the man left, the woman noticed that her husband was crying.
“Why are you sad? Now that we’ve got ourselves in debt with our neighbors, are you afraid we won’t be able to repay them?”
“Nothing of the sort! I’m crying because he is someone I love so much, but even so I had no idea he was in need.
“I only remembered him when he had to knock on my door to ask me for a loan.”
The porcupines decided to group
Two hunters from Moscow charter
24.
A American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.
So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando , thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a Golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read ‘$10,000 per call.
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta.
There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.
‘O.K., thank you,’ said the American.
He then traveled all across America , Europe, England , Japan , Australia.
In every church he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same.
‘$US10,000 per call’ sign under it.
The American decided to travel to New Zealand to see if New Zealanders had.
The same phone he arrived at Auckland, in New Zealand and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same looking golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read ’40 cents per call.’
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
‘Father, I’ve traveled all over the world and I’ve seen this same golden telephone in many Churches.
I’m told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call.
Why is it so cheap here?’
The priest smiled and answered, You’re in New Zealand now, son.
“This is Heaven, so it’s a local call.”
The office manager called a local repair shop
The Surgeon Explains
A American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.
So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando , thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a Golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read ‘$10,000 per call.
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta.
There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.
‘O.K., thank you,’ said the American.
He then traveled all across America , Europe, England , Japan , Australia.
In every church he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same.
‘$US10,000 per call’ sign under it.
The American decided to travel to New Zealand to see if New Zealanders had.
The same phone he arrived at Auckland, in New Zealand and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same looking golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read ’40 cents per call.’
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
‘Father, I’ve traveled all over the world and I’ve seen this same golden telephone in many Churches.
I’m told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call.
Why is it so cheap here?’
The priest smiled and answered, You’re in New Zealand now, son.
“This is Heaven, so it’s a local call.”
The office manager called a local repair shop
The Surgeon Explains
25.
One day, there were two boys playing by a stream.
One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it.
The other boy couldn’t figure out why his friend was at the bush for so long.
The other boy went over to the bush and looked.
The two boys were looking at a woman bathing undressed in the stream.
All of a sudden, the second boy took off running.
The first boy couldn’t understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend.
Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away.
The boy said to his friend, “My mom told me if I ever saw a undressed lady, I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard.
Frank went to the gym
I was waiting on the sofa
One day, there were two boys playing by a stream.
One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it.
The other boy couldn’t figure out why his friend was at the bush for so long.
The other boy went over to the bush and looked.
The two boys were looking at a woman bathing undressed in the stream.
All of a sudden, the second boy took off running.
The first boy couldn’t understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend.
Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away.
The boy said to his friend, “My mom told me if I ever saw a undressed lady, I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard.
Frank went to the gym
I was waiting on the sofa
26.
One afternoon a Lawyer was driving home,…
when he saw a man eating grass by the side of the road
“Why are doing that?” the lawyer asked.
“I don’t have any money for food” the man replied.
“Oh, then you must come with me”.
“But, Sir, I have a wife and five children.”
“They are all welcome”.
So the family got in the lawyer’s car and he sped off towards his mansion.
“You’re so kind to help so many people” the wife gushed during the journey.
“It’s fine”. said the lawyer.
“I haven’t cut my grass in weeks
A junior manager a senior manager and their boss
Baby Love, Cup Of Tea & Dad
One afternoon a Lawyer was driving home,…
when he saw a man eating grass by the side of the road
“Why are doing that?” the lawyer asked.
“I don’t have any money for food” the man replied.
“Oh, then you must come with me”.
“But, Sir, I have a wife and five children.”
“They are all welcome”.
So the family got in the lawyer’s car and he sped off towards his mansion.
“You’re so kind to help so many people” the wife gushed during the journey.
“It’s fine”. said the lawyer.
“I haven’t cut my grass in weeks
A junior manager a senior manager and their boss
Baby Love, Cup Of Tea & Dad
27.
The librarian handed the chicken a book and the bird left.
Ten minutes later, the chicken returned, tossed the book on the desk and said: ‘book, book, book, book’.
The librarian handed the chicken a different book and the chicken left.
Ten minutes later, the chicken brought the book back, threw it on the desk and said: ‘book, book, book, book’.
The librarian handed the chicken a third book but this time decided to follow the bird.
He saw the chicken hurry down the street and stop at the village pond where a frog was sitting on a lily pad.
The chicken showed the book to the frog but the frog shook its head and said: ‘read-it, read-it, read-it’.
A dead donkey in his front yard
Two women sitting in the doctor waiting room
The librarian handed the chicken a book and the bird left.
Ten minutes later, the chicken returned, tossed the book on the desk and said: ‘book, book, book, book’.
The librarian handed the chicken a different book and the chicken left.
Ten minutes later, the chicken brought the book back, threw it on the desk and said: ‘book, book, book, book’.
The librarian handed the chicken a third book but this time decided to follow the bird.
He saw the chicken hurry down the street and stop at the village pond where a frog was sitting on a lily pad.
The chicken showed the book to the frog but the frog shook its head and said: ‘read-it, read-it, read-it’.
A dead donkey in his front yard
Two women sitting in the doctor waiting room
28.
A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic.
The druggist asks, “Ma’am, what do you want with arsenic?”
The lady says, “To kill my husband.”
“I can’t sell you any for that reason,” says the druggist.
The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position, the man is her husband and the lady is the druggist’s wife, and shows it to the druggist.
He looks at the photo and says, “Oh I didn’t know you had a prescription!”
A nurse at hospital received a call
A man hasn’t been feeling well
A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic.
The druggist asks, “Ma’am, what do you want with arsenic?”
The lady says, “To kill my husband.”
“I can’t sell you any for that reason,” says the druggist.
The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position, the man is her husband and the lady is the druggist’s wife, and shows it to the druggist.
He looks at the photo and says, “Oh I didn’t know you had a prescription!”
A nurse at hospital received a call
A man hasn’t been feeling well
29.
A student at a management school came up to a pretty girl and hugged her without any warning.
The surprised girl said,
“What was that?”
The guy smiled at her,
“Direct marketing!”
The girl slapped him soundly.
“What was that?!” said the boy, holding his cheek.
“Customer feedback.”
A man spitting and cussing on a corner
A man eagerly waited at the train station
A student at a management school came up to a pretty girl and hugged her without any warning.
The surprised girl said,
“What was that?”
The guy smiled at her,
“Direct marketing!”
The girl slapped him soundly.
“What was that?!” said the boy, holding his cheek.
“Customer feedback.”
A man spitting and cussing on a corner
A man eagerly waited at the train station
30.
A hunter ventures into the forest to hunt a bear, armed with his trusty 22-gauge rifle.
After some time, he spots an enormous bear, takes aim, and fires.
The smoke clears, but the bear has vanished.
Moments later, the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “Nobody shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two options: I can tear out your throat and eat you, or you can drop your pants, bend over, and I’ll do as I please.”
The hunter, fearing death, drops his pants and bends over, allowing the bear to do as he said.
Once the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his pants and hobbles back into town, bow-legged and furious.
He purchases a much larger gun and returns to the forest.
He spots the same bear, takes aim, and fires.
The smoke clears, and the bear is gone.
The bear taps the hunter on the shoulder once more and says, “You know the drill.”
Humiliated, the hunter pulls up his pants, drags himself back to town, and buys a bazooka.
Now seething with rage, he returns to the forest, spots the bear, aims, and fires.
The blast from the bazooka sends him sprawling onto his back.
As the smoke clears, the bear looms over him and says, “This isn’t really about hunting for you, is it?”
Two blondes were working on a house
A woman phoned her dentist
A hunter ventures into the forest to hunt a bear, armed with his trusty 22-gauge rifle.
After some time, he spots an enormous bear, takes aim, and fires.
The smoke clears, but the bear has vanished.
Moments later, the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “Nobody shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two options: I can tear out your throat and eat you, or you can drop your pants, bend over, and I’ll do as I please.”
The hunter, fearing death, drops his pants and bends over, allowing the bear to do as he said.
Once the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his pants and hobbles back into town, bow-legged and furious.
He purchases a much larger gun and returns to the forest.
He spots the same bear, takes aim, and fires.
The smoke clears, and the bear is gone.
The bear taps the hunter on the shoulder once more and says, “You know the drill.”
Humiliated, the hunter pulls up his pants, drags himself back to town, and buys a bazooka.
Now seething with rage, he returns to the forest, spots the bear, aims, and fires.
The blast from the bazooka sends him sprawling onto his back.
As the smoke clears, the bear looms over him and says, “This isn’t really about hunting for you, is it?”
Two blondes were working on a house
A woman phoned her dentist
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