🤣 Funniest & Wackiest Jokes to Make You LOL All Day! 🤪 09

1.



A beautiful innocent young girl wants to meet Santa Claus.
So she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve.
Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the socks.
He is about to leave when the girl says in a cute voice,
“Oh Santa, please stay.”
Santa replies, “HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go, Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”
The girl drops the robe to reveal a corset and underwear and says in an even nice voice,
“Oh Santa, please stay.”
Santa replies, “HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go, Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”
Santa begins to sweat.
The girl takes off her corset and says, “Oh Santa… Please… Stay.”
Santa replies, “HO HO HO, Gotta go,
Gotta go, gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”
Santa wipes his brow.
She loses the underwear and says, “Oh Santa… Please… Stay…”
Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow says,
“HEY HEY HEY, Gotta stay, Gotta stay, Can’t get up the chimney with my pecker this way!
The husband is in the bathroom shaving
Johnny down to the pond to get some water

2.



A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar.
They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They go back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor.
Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher.
Huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that’s so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by this evidence of his sensitive side!
She turns to him, invitingly… they kiss…and then they rip each other’s clothes off and make hot steamy love.
After she has this intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, and they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how was it for you?”
The guy yawns: “Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf.”
Three gentlemen are golfing one sunny day
A little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug

3.



A call girl brings a client to her condo on Lake Shore Drive in Chicago.
The client asks her if she gives good hand jobs.
“You see this condo? I bought it by giving good hand jobs.”
Her client tells her to give him a hand job.
Afterwards, he is impressed and asks her if she gives good bl*w jobs.
“Look out the window. See that red Ferrari on the street? I bought it by giving good bl*w jobs.”
Her client asks her to give him a bl*w job.
Afterwards, he is really impressed and asks her if she is good in bed.
“Look out the window. See that big yacht out there on Lake Michigan? I could own that if only I had a lady parts.”
A blonde came home from school
A gang of armed robbers

4.



I went to a Dynamo show the other day…
I went to a Dynamo show the other day with my mom and dad.
We were sat in the audience and Dynamo asked for a participant, and me being clever I stuck my arm up thinking he wouldn’t choose me.
“You there!”
Crap, so I walked on down and he said pass me your watch, now bare in mind this watch costed me £200 and that I had only bought it other day. So he then placed into a handkerchief and then he smashed it with a small hammer.
“Crap! That wasn’t supposed to happen”
So I thought oh brilliant, how that’s £200 down the drain, he exclaimed his sincere apologies and told me to come him once the show was over, and so I waited nearly 2 hours before
I then went backstage to see him where he was holding some donuts. So I thought to myself, “donuts?”.
“Pick the middle one, and take a bite”
So I chose the middle one, took a bite and you know what was in it?
Jam
A philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot
I went to a Dynamo show the other day

5.



A 72-year-old Edgar recently picked a new primary care physician.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, the doctor said Edgar was doing “fairly well” for his age.
A little concerned about that comment, Edgar couldn’t resist asking the doctor,
“Do you think I’ll live to be 80?”
The doctor asked,
“Well, do you smoke or drink beer?”
“Oh no,” Edgar replied, “I’ve never done either.”
Then the doctor asked,
“Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barb-qued ribs?”
Edgar said, “No, I’ve heard that all red meat is very unhealthful!”
“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?” the doctor asked.
“No, I don’t,” Edgar replied.
Then the doctor asked,
“Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or run around with women?”
“No,” Edgar said,
“I don’t do any of those things.”
The good doctor looked at Edgar and said,
“Then why the heck do you want to live to be 80?”
The 6th-grade science teacher
Three Russian men are sitting in a jail

6.



Husband: I won’t be able to sleep afterward.
Wife: I can’t sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Wife: I can’t sleep without it.
Husband: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Wife: I can’t sleep without it.
Husband: If you love me you’d be more considerate.
Wife: I can’t sleep without it.
Husband: Yes I do, but let’s forget it for tonight.
Wife: I can’t sleep without it.
Husband: Alright, I’ll do it.
Wife: What’s the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband: I can’t find it.
Wife: Oh, for heaven’s sake, feel for it.
Husband: There. Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes, honey.
Husband: Is it up far enough?
Wife: Oh, that’s fine.
Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.
A husband and wife are in bed
A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church

7.



Marriage… in different directions…
Before the marriage:
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: NO! Don’t even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: NO! Why you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Yes!
She: Will you hit me?
He: No way! I’m not such kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
Now after the marriage you can read it from below to up !!!!
Software developer monkey
Wife Going To Las Vegas

8.



A chemistry teacher wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.
“Now, class. Observe the worms closely,” said the teacher putting a worm first into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey.
It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a door nail.
“Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the teacher asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits at the back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, “Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms.”
A man is sitting on a train
A small guy goes into an elevator

9.



The waitress says, “I’m sorry, but the man next to you got the last bowl.”
The man looks over and sees that the other man has finished his meal, but that the bowl of chili is still full.
He asks him, “Are you going to eat that chili?”
The other man says, “No, by all means, help yourself.”
He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat.
It’s delicious the best chunky chili he’s had in a long time.
When he gets about halfway down, his spoon hits something.
Surprised, he looks down and sees a dead mouse in the bowl, and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.
The other man says, “Yeah, that’s about as far as I got, too.”
A shipwreck
A important race on a new horse

10.



A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away.
As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.
They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies.
They have another funeral for her.
At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, “Watch out for the wall please!”
A teacher told her young class
A old man lived in the village

11.



There is an overweight guy who is watching TV.
A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week.
So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it.
Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”
As soon as he sees her, she takes off running.
He tries to catch her, but is unable.
This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds.
After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week.
The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions.
The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her.
This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less.
Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program.
Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan.
Still he signs up.
The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, “If I catch you, you’re mine!”
The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.
This little guy sitting in a bar
A business man got on an elevator in a building

12.



A cop pulled over a car and finds a young couple in the front seat.
Where your seat belt young man? asked the cop.
Oh, I just took if off now when you were walking up to the car, responded the man.
No you didn’t! exclaimed his wife, you never wear your seat belt!.
A little taken aback, the cop asked to see his license.
Aw shucks! cried the man, I must have left it home! Yeah right! screamed his wife, You know it expired 3 months ago!
At a loss for words, the cop asked the woman are you always so tough on him?!
No responded the young woman, only when he had too much to drink!.
A drunk man walks out of a bar
Mark was passing by the bar

13.



There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette.
They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away.
The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died.
The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died.
The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.
A farmer buys a young rooster
Two guys are walking through a game park

14.



A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog and it’s sitting in the seat next to him.
He thinks it’s unusual, but he likes dogs so he decides that as long as it’s not a distraction he won’t mention it.
The movie starts and pretty soon there’s a funny part.
The dog makes some low woofing sounds that seem like laughter.
In a little while there’s a sad part and the dog appears to be weeping.
This continues throughout the film and the man sitting behind the dog is astounded.
When the lights come up he taps the dog’s owner on the shoulder and tells him,
“I gotta say, and I know it sounds weird, but it seemed like your dog really enjoyed this movie.”
The dog owner looks at the dog and nods.
“I know, it really is weird,” he says,
“because he absolutely hated the book.”
A pig walks into a bar and orders
A guys walking down the street

15.



A man and his wife are traveling in the Middle East.
An Arab approaches the husband, saying, “I’ll give you 100 camels for your woman.”
After a long silence, the husband says, “She’s not for sale.”
The indignant wife says, “What took you so long to answer?”
The husband replied, “I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.”
Wife sent a message to her husband
A teacher was helping one of her kids

16.



Lying on his deathbed, an elderly man made his final request to his wife:
“Honey, I’m almost out of time and there’s something I’d like you to do for me when I’m gone.”
She nodded her head and said,
“You can count on me. Anything you ask, I’ll make sure it’s done.”
“I want you to wed my buddy, Jacob,” he said, his voice filled with emotion.
Astonished, his wife replied,
“Jacob? But I thought you couldn’t stand him!”
He smiled and looked into her eyes as he answered,
“That’s precisely why…”
A woman wakes up in the night
A mother and father took their son

17.



Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender,
“I’m so pissed off!”
“Oh yeah? What happened?” asked the bartender politely.
“See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home.
We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her damned husband came in the front door.
So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!”
“Gee, that’s tough,” commiserated the bartender.
“Right, but that’s not what really got me,” the customer went on.
“When her husband came into the room he said:
“Hey great! You’re undressed already! Let me just take a leak.”
And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn’t piss out the window right onto my head?”
“Yeech!” the bartender shook his head.
“No wonder you’re in a lousy mood.”
“Yeah, but I haven’t told you what really, really got to me.
Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his protection out of the window.
And where does it land? My damned forehead!”
“Damn, that’s awful!” says the bartender.
“Oh, I’m not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump.
It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his bum out of the window and let loose right on my head!”
The bartender paled. “That would sure mess up my day.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” the fellow rattled on,
“But do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off?
When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground.”
A nervous young lady sat on a dentist’s chair
Valentine’s Day was quickly approaching

18.



On a busy street in New York City, a man hustles across an intersection and is just about makes it to the other side when he’s hit by a bus.
He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd gathers around.
“A priest somebody get me a priest!” the man gasps.
“A priest, please!” repeats the dying man.
Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least 80 years.
“Mr Policeman,” says the man, “I’m not a priest.
I’m not even a Catholic.
But for 50 years now I’ve been living behind.
Elizabeth’s Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I listen to the Catholic litany.
Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man.”
The policeman agrees and brings the gentleman over to where the dying man is lying.
The doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern
You Are All The Same

19.



A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.
Saint Peter asks him “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?”
The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.”
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, “Well , that’s fine, but it’s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.”
The Lawyer said, “Wait Wait! There’s more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.”
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, “Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?”
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
“Let’s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.”
A man is talking to the family doctor
A blonde and a brunet are getting in the elevator

20.



A blonde told her doctor that she was really worried because every part of her body hurt.
The doctor looked concerned and said, “Show me where.”
The blonde touched her own arm and screamed, “Ouch!”
Then she touched her leg and screamed, “Ouch!”
She touched her nose and cried, “Ouch!”
She looked at her doctor and said, “See? It hurts everywhere!”
The doctor laughed and said, “Don’t worry; it’s not serious. You’ve just got a broken finger.”
A lady is working at old people home
A doctor had just finished a marathon

21.



Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, “Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?”
Sarah waves her hand, “Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!”
Miss Rogers says, “All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?”
Sarah says, “Mas-tur-bate.”
Miss Rogers smiles and says, “Wow, Sarah, that’s a mouthful.”
Sarah says, “No, Miss Rogers, you’re thinking of a good job.”
A kid walks into a class
A man strolls into a pharmacy

22.



Little Johnny runs to his dad and says, “Dad, there’s water in the carburetor of the car!”
“How can you be so sure?” the father asks.
“I just know there is,” replies Little Johnny.
“Do you even know what a carburetor is?”
“No,” says Little Johnny.
“OK, where is the car?”
“In the lake.”
Joey goes into a pharmacy
A son challenged his father game of golf

23.



A brunette goes into a doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
“Impossible,” says the doctor. “Show me.”
She takes her finger, presses on her elbow, and screams in agony.
She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain.
The doctor says, “You’re not really a brunette are you?”
She says, “No, I dyed my hair. I’m naturally blonde.”
“I thought so,” he says.
“Your finger is broken.”
A boss said to his secretary
A blind guy on a bar stool

24.



Johnny comes back from school crying
And says, “Mommy, all the kids in the school say I have a big head.”
His mother replies, “No, you don’t, Johnny.
You have a hideously deformed head.
The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings.”
A Father’s Last Request
Jack Falls Apart

25.



Superman and flash were in the living room pounding back a few beer flash says to Superman.
i bet you u can fly into wonder woman bed room and get the best private part of your life so he does it when he goes back to flash.
Superman says to flash man that was great but my bum kinda burns.
Johnny catch’s parents having lovemaking
Johnny went to school

26.



John goes to the deli for some soup.
After he’s seated and about to eat he calls the waiter over.
When the waiter comes he says, “Taste this soup.”
The waiter says, “Why what’s wrong with the soup?”
John says, “Taste this soup.”
The waiter says, “John, you’ve come in here for thirty years and you always get the soup, you’ve never complained before.”
John says, “Taste this soup.”
The waiter says, “What? What is it? If you don’t want the chicken soup we have other kinds vegetable, Italian Minestrone?”
John says, “Taste this soup!”
The waiter finally agrees, “Fine John, fine! I’ll taste the soup”.
He leans over the table prepared to taste the soup, he hesitates and says, “Where’s your spoon?”
“Exactly,” says John, “Where’s my bloody spoon?”
A man wakes up and looks at his clock
A young blonde lady went on a tour

27.



A wife was sitting peacefully in her cozy armchair sewing her husband’s socks.
Her husband came in to the room and glanced at what she was doing, and started badgering, “HONEY be more careful! PLEASE WATCH WHAT YOU ARE DOING! You don’t wan’t to poke YOUR finger! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU! Don’t look up when YOUR’E SEWING!
There you go now slow and steady, nice even stitches.
The wife puts down the needle and thread, looks up at her husband, and says, “What the hell is wrong with you?”
Do you know how many times I’ve sewn socks before?!
“EXACTLY THE POINT I WAS TRYING TO GET AT”, hollered the husband, “DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I’VE DRIVEN A CAR BEFORE!?”
Mom Dad Sit Down
John Watching the tv

28.



Asked the school secretary, filling in the forms at the start of the academic year.
“He’s a magician,” said the small boy.
“How interesting! What’s his favorite trick?
“Sawing people in half.”
“Really? Now, next question any brothers or sisters?”
“Yes, one half brother and two half-sisters.”
A old hunter of foxes
A Raven & A Swan

29.



A blonde redneck guy finds a lamp.
He rubs it and a genie emerges.
The genie tells him he will be granted three wishes.
The guy thinks for a moment and says, ‘First, give me a bottomless mug of beer.’
A mug of beer appears in his hand.
He sips it once, then again and the mug is magically refilled.
The guy is thrilled and continues to drink.
The mug never empties.
Then the Genie says, ‘And what about your other two wishes?’
The guy thinks for a moment and says, ‘Give me two more just like this one!’
Two women came before wise King Solomon
The man looked a little worried when the doctor

30.



A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & beautiful young woman entered.
She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.
The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him.
Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition’.
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, ‘You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words’.
The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman’s hand.
He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said Paint my house.
I was barely sitting down
The Englishman & Irishman