1.
Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.
Just to see what would happen, on Christmas day their father loaded the pessimist’s room with every imaginable toy and game.
The optimist’s room he loaded with horse manure.
That night the father passed by the pessimist’s room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.
“Why are you crying?” the father asked.
“Because my friends will be jealous, I’ll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I’ll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken.”
Answered the pessimist twin.
Passing the optimist twin’s room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure “What are you so happy about?” he asked.
To which his optimist twin replied, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”
Tickle Me Elmo toys
Yesterday I was at my local supermarket
Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.
Just to see what would happen, on Christmas day their father loaded the pessimist’s room with every imaginable toy and game.
The optimist’s room he loaded with horse manure.
That night the father passed by the pessimist’s room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.
“Why are you crying?” the father asked.
“Because my friends will be jealous, I’ll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I’ll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken.”
Answered the pessimist twin.
Passing the optimist twin’s room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure “What are you so happy about?” he asked.
To which his optimist twin replied, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”
Tickle Me Elmo toys
Yesterday I was at my local supermarket
2.
There’s a guy with a 25-inch tool and is always wanting to get closer to the girls he is having lovemaking with.
One day he comes upon a witch and he tells her about his problem.
She tells him about a frog who can make his weapon smaller.
All he had to do is make the frog say no and his weapon would shrink 5-inches.
So, he goes to find the frog and ask the frog to marry him.
The frog says no and his tool get down to 20-inches.
He decides he wants to be closer so he ask the frog to marry him again, and again the frog said no and another 5-inches are gone.
He decides he wants to be even closer so he ask the frog one more time to marry him.
The frog said, “How many times do I have to tell you? No, no, no, no, no.”
The bartender asked a guy
A father has three daughters
There’s a guy with a 25-inch tool and is always wanting to get closer to the girls he is having lovemaking with.
One day he comes upon a witch and he tells her about his problem.
She tells him about a frog who can make his weapon smaller.
All he had to do is make the frog say no and his weapon would shrink 5-inches.
So, he goes to find the frog and ask the frog to marry him.
The frog says no and his tool get down to 20-inches.
He decides he wants to be closer so he ask the frog to marry him again, and again the frog said no and another 5-inches are gone.
He decides he wants to be even closer so he ask the frog one more time to marry him.
The frog said, “How many times do I have to tell you? No, no, no, no, no.”
The bartender asked a guy
A father has three daughters
3.
A man prepares his donkey and dog for a long journey up a mountain.
He places a pack straddle on the donkey’s back and fills everything to maximum weight.
Because of the weight, he decides to pull the donkey along so that it does not become tired as easily.
The man, donkey, and his guard dog now begin the long trip up a mountain to get to the other side.
Hours into their long and quiet trip, the man becomes very tired.
He stops the donkey and decides that he is going to ride it.
Just as he starts to mount the donkey, out of nowhere the donkey says,
“STOP! I’m SICK OF BEING YOUR MULE! I HATE YOU! STOP USING ME!”
The man is bewildered, as he has never once before heard an animal speak, and takes off running as fast as he can back down the mountain, with the dog right behind him.
As he gets to the bottom in record time, he stops and catches his breath.
He is beyond scared and says in a scared tone, “Whoa, I have never heard a donkey speak before.”
The dog replies, “Me neither.”
The phone rings in Dr. Steins house
The pastor found a pink envelope
A man prepares his donkey and dog for a long journey up a mountain.
He places a pack straddle on the donkey’s back and fills everything to maximum weight.
Because of the weight, he decides to pull the donkey along so that it does not become tired as easily.
The man, donkey, and his guard dog now begin the long trip up a mountain to get to the other side.
Hours into their long and quiet trip, the man becomes very tired.
He stops the donkey and decides that he is going to ride it.
Just as he starts to mount the donkey, out of nowhere the donkey says,
“STOP! I’m SICK OF BEING YOUR MULE! I HATE YOU! STOP USING ME!”
The man is bewildered, as he has never once before heard an animal speak, and takes off running as fast as he can back down the mountain, with the dog right behind him.
As he gets to the bottom in record time, he stops and catches his breath.
He is beyond scared and says in a scared tone, “Whoa, I have never heard a donkey speak before.”
The dog replies, “Me neither.”
The phone rings in Dr. Steins house
The pastor found a pink envelope
4.
The male teacher in a girls school asked the science class: “Who can tell me what organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated? Mary, can you tell me?”
Mary blushed furiously as she stood up.
Then replied, “Sir, how dare you ask such a question? I will complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal.”
The male teacher was taken aback at first by Mary’s reaction.
Then, as understanding dawned on him, he called for another pupil, this time a volunteer.
Lilly put up her hand. “Yes, Lilly?” asked the teacher.
“Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the eye.”
“Very good. Thanks, Lilly,” said the male teacher.
He then turned to the 1st girl, who threatened to complain to her parents and principal: “Well, Mary, I have 3 things to tell you:
First, you have NOT done your HOMEWORK.
Second, you have a DIRTY mind.
And thirdly, I fear, one day in future, you are going to be sadly disappointed!”
A frail old man is put in to a care home
A man walks into the front door
The male teacher in a girls school asked the science class: “Who can tell me what organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated? Mary, can you tell me?”
Mary blushed furiously as she stood up.
Then replied, “Sir, how dare you ask such a question? I will complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal.”
The male teacher was taken aback at first by Mary’s reaction.
Then, as understanding dawned on him, he called for another pupil, this time a volunteer.
Lilly put up her hand. “Yes, Lilly?” asked the teacher.
“Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the eye.”
“Very good. Thanks, Lilly,” said the male teacher.
He then turned to the 1st girl, who threatened to complain to her parents and principal: “Well, Mary, I have 3 things to tell you:
First, you have NOT done your HOMEWORK.
Second, you have a DIRTY mind.
And thirdly, I fear, one day in future, you are going to be sadly disappointed!”
A frail old man is put in to a care home
A man walks into the front door
5.
A philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot found themselves standing before the Gates of Heaven.
St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
“Gentlemen,” the Devil started, “Heaven is now overcrowded. St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven.
If anyone of you can ask me a question which I cannot answer or don’t know, then you’re worthy enough to go to Heaven.
If not, then you’ll come with me to Hell.”
The philosopher stepped up, “OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates’ teachings,” With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil.
The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct The philosopher disappeared and went to hell.
The mathematician then asked, “Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!”
With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared.
The mathematician read it and agreed it was correct.
The mathematician also went to hell.
The idiot stepped forward and said, “Bring me a chair!”
The Devil brought forward a chair.
“Drill 7 holes on the seat.”
The Devil did just that.
The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart.
Standing up, he asked, “Which hole did my fart come out from ?”
The Devil inspected the seat and said, “The third hole from the right.”
“Wrong,” said the idiot, “it’s from my bastard.”
The idiot went to Heaven.
A little boy wished for 10 ping-pong balls
I went to a Dynamo show the other day
A philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot found themselves standing before the Gates of Heaven.
St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
“Gentlemen,” the Devil started, “Heaven is now overcrowded. St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven.
If anyone of you can ask me a question which I cannot answer or don’t know, then you’re worthy enough to go to Heaven.
If not, then you’ll come with me to Hell.”
The philosopher stepped up, “OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates’ teachings,” With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil.
The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct The philosopher disappeared and went to hell.
The mathematician then asked, “Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!”
With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared.
The mathematician read it and agreed it was correct.
The mathematician also went to hell.
The idiot stepped forward and said, “Bring me a chair!”
The Devil brought forward a chair.
“Drill 7 holes on the seat.”
The Devil did just that.
The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart.
Standing up, he asked, “Which hole did my fart come out from ?”
The Devil inspected the seat and said, “The third hole from the right.”
“Wrong,” said the idiot, “it’s from my bastard.”
The idiot went to Heaven.
A little boy wished for 10 ping-pong balls
I went to a Dynamo show the other day
6.
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
“I’ve never been better!” he boasted.
“I’ve got an eighteen year old bride who’s pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?”
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, “Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter.
He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.”
The doctor continued, “So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle.
And do you know what happened?” the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied “No.”
The doctor continued, “The bear dropped dead in front of him!”
“That’s impossible!” exclaimed the old man.
“Someone else must have shot that bear.”
“That’s kind of what I’m getting at…” replied the doctor.
A kid comes home from school
A guy walks into a post office
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
“I’ve never been better!” he boasted.
“I’ve got an eighteen year old bride who’s pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?”
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, “Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter.
He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.”
The doctor continued, “So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle.
And do you know what happened?” the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied “No.”
The doctor continued, “The bear dropped dead in front of him!”
“That’s impossible!” exclaimed the old man.
“Someone else must have shot that bear.”
“That’s kind of what I’m getting at…” replied the doctor.
A kid comes home from school
A guy walks into a post office
7.
Paddy was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit.
The prosecutor opened his questioning with,
“Where were you the night of August 24th?”
“Objection!” said the defense attorney.
“Irrelevant!”
“Oh, that’s okay,” said the Paddy from the witness stand.
“I don’t mind answering the question.”
“I object!” the defense said again.
“No, really,” said the Paddy.
“I’ll answer.”
The judge ruled: “If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object.”
So the prosecutor repeated the question:
“Where were you the night of August 24th?”
Paddy replied brightly, “I don’t know.”
A blonde was summoned to court
A man decided to go jump from an airplane
Paddy was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit.
The prosecutor opened his questioning with,
“Where were you the night of August 24th?”
“Objection!” said the defense attorney.
“Irrelevant!”
“Oh, that’s okay,” said the Paddy from the witness stand.
“I don’t mind answering the question.”
“I object!” the defense said again.
“No, really,” said the Paddy.
“I’ll answer.”
The judge ruled: “If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object.”
So the prosecutor repeated the question:
“Where were you the night of August 24th?”
Paddy replied brightly, “I don’t know.”
A blonde was summoned to court
A man decided to go jump from an airplane
8.
The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical,
so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.
“Well, to tell you the truth, Doc, yes,” answered the patient.
“You see, I seem to be getting forgetful.
I’m never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I’m going, or what it is I’m going to do once I get there if I get there.
So, I really need your help. What can I do?”
The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, “Pay me in advance.”
He rubs it and a genie emerges
Two boys playing by a stream
The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical,
so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.
“Well, to tell you the truth, Doc, yes,” answered the patient.
“You see, I seem to be getting forgetful.
I’m never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I’m going, or what it is I’m going to do once I get there if I get there.
So, I really need your help. What can I do?”
The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, “Pay me in advance.”
He rubs it and a genie emerges
Two boys playing by a stream
9.
Tax day, April 15, was looming when an elderly woman showed up at the IRS.
She said she required a thick stack of tax forms.
“Why so many?” the clerk asked.
“My son is stationed overseas,” she said.
“He asked me to pick up forms for the Marines on the base.”
“You shouldn’t have to do this,” the clerk told her.
“It’s the base commander’s job to make sure that his troops have access to the forms they need.”
“I know,” said the woman.
“I’m the base commander’s mother.”
A fox observing a fish cart coming
A Irishman walks into a bar
Tax day, April 15, was looming when an elderly woman showed up at the IRS.
She said she required a thick stack of tax forms.
“Why so many?” the clerk asked.
“My son is stationed overseas,” she said.
“He asked me to pick up forms for the Marines on the base.”
“You shouldn’t have to do this,” the clerk told her.
“It’s the base commander’s job to make sure that his troops have access to the forms they need.”
“I know,” said the woman.
“I’m the base commander’s mother.”
A fox observing a fish cart coming
A Irishman walks into a bar
10.
A disciple who loved and admired his teacher decided to observe his behavior minutely, believing that if he did everything that his teacher did, then he would also acquire his teacher’s wisdom.
The teacher always wore white, and so his disciple did the same.
The teacher was a vegetarian, and so his disciple stopped eating meat and replaced it with a diet of vegetables and herbs.
The teacher was an austere man, and so the disciple decided to devote himself to self-sacrifice and started sleeping on a straw mattress.
After some time, the teacher noticed these changes in his disciple’s behavior and asked him why.
‘I am climbing the steps of initiation,’ came the reply.
‘The white of my clothes shows the simplicity of my search, the vegetarian food purifies my body, and the lack of comfort makes me think only of spiritual things.’
Smiling, the teacher took him to a field where a horse was grazing.
‘You have spent all this time looking outside yourself, which is what matters least,’ he said.
‘Do you see that creature there? He has white skin, eats only grass and sleeps in a stable on a straw bed.
Do you think he has the face of a saint or will one day become a real teacher?’
A elephant wandered into a forest
A Irishman was drinking in a bar
A disciple who loved and admired his teacher decided to observe his behavior minutely, believing that if he did everything that his teacher did, then he would also acquire his teacher’s wisdom.
The teacher always wore white, and so his disciple did the same.
The teacher was a vegetarian, and so his disciple stopped eating meat and replaced it with a diet of vegetables and herbs.
The teacher was an austere man, and so the disciple decided to devote himself to self-sacrifice and started sleeping on a straw mattress.
After some time, the teacher noticed these changes in his disciple’s behavior and asked him why.
‘I am climbing the steps of initiation,’ came the reply.
‘The white of my clothes shows the simplicity of my search, the vegetarian food purifies my body, and the lack of comfort makes me think only of spiritual things.’
Smiling, the teacher took him to a field where a horse was grazing.
‘You have spent all this time looking outside yourself, which is what matters least,’ he said.
‘Do you see that creature there? He has white skin, eats only grass and sleeps in a stable on a straw bed.
Do you think he has the face of a saint or will one day become a real teacher?’
A elephant wandered into a forest
A Irishman was drinking in a bar
11.
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps you when you lie.
He decides to test it out on his son at supper.
Dad says: “Where were you last night?”
Son says: “I was at the library.”
The robot slaps the son.
Son says “OK, I was at a friend’s house.”
“Doing what?” asked the father.
Son says: “Watching a movie toy Story.”
The robot slaps the son.
“OK it was dirty!” cried the son.
Father yells “What? When I was your age I didn’t know what dirty was.”
The robot slaps the father.
The mother laughs and says, “He certainly is your son.”
The robot slaps the mother.
Three men are playing golf
Paddy’s friend is hit by a car
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps you when you lie.
He decides to test it out on his son at supper.
Dad says: “Where were you last night?”
Son says: “I was at the library.”
The robot slaps the son.
Son says “OK, I was at a friend’s house.”
“Doing what?” asked the father.
Son says: “Watching a movie toy Story.”
The robot slaps the son.
“OK it was dirty!” cried the son.
Father yells “What? When I was your age I didn’t know what dirty was.”
The robot slaps the father.
The mother laughs and says, “He certainly is your son.”
The robot slaps the mother.
Three men are playing golf
Paddy’s friend is hit by a car
12.
A deaf man enters a pharmacy to buy rubber pack and tries to explain what he wants with sign language.
The pharmacist doesn’t understand anything so the deaf man puts forth his weapon and 50 dollars.
The pharmacist then also pulls out his weapon, takes the 50 dollars and puts them in his pocket.
The deaf man gets all read in his face and starts to waive violently.
At the pharmacist who says: “If you cannot stand loosing, you should not make a bet!”
A man strolls into a pharmacy
The alcoholic came to the yoga school
A deaf man enters a pharmacy to buy rubber pack and tries to explain what he wants with sign language.
The pharmacist doesn’t understand anything so the deaf man puts forth his weapon and 50 dollars.
The pharmacist then also pulls out his weapon, takes the 50 dollars and puts them in his pocket.
The deaf man gets all read in his face and starts to waive violently.
At the pharmacist who says: “If you cannot stand loosing, you should not make a bet!”
A man strolls into a pharmacy
The alcoholic came to the yoga school
13.
A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat.
HIM: “I’m sorry dear but I’m up to my neck in work today.”
HER: “But I’ve got some good news and some bad news for you dear.”
HIM: “OK darling, but as I’ve got no time now, just give me the good news.”
HER: “Well, the air bag works.”
After 25 years of marriage
The lady sitting next to a man
A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat.
HIM: “I’m sorry dear but I’m up to my neck in work today.”
HER: “But I’ve got some good news and some bad news for you dear.”
HIM: “OK darling, but as I’ve got no time now, just give me the good news.”
HER: “Well, the air bag works.”
After 25 years of marriage
The lady sitting next to a man
14.
If you let me touch your wife’s bum and smack it, i will pay you $100,000 says a guy to his best friend.
His friend gets furious and asks him to mind what he is saying.
Later in the evening the best friend tells this incident to his wife, and she got more angry at him to deny such an offer.
She says, “you can stand right there with us, he is not gonna make love me.
I mean $100,000 for touching and smacking my bum is worth it, we can buy hell lot of stuff”.
The husband agrees and calls his friend over the next day to touch and smack his wife’s bum.
Everyone is in the room now, the wife comes over, removes her skirt and his friend starts touching and feeling his wife’s bum.
Two minutes passed and he is still touching and feeling it.
The husband got angry and screamed, “yo idiot, smack the bum now, enough”
The friend replied, “how can I smack dude, I don’t have $100,000.
Grandpa what is couple
A woman meets a man in a bar
If you let me touch your wife’s bum and smack it, i will pay you $100,000 says a guy to his best friend.
His friend gets furious and asks him to mind what he is saying.
Later in the evening the best friend tells this incident to his wife, and she got more angry at him to deny such an offer.
She says, “you can stand right there with us, he is not gonna make love me.
I mean $100,000 for touching and smacking my bum is worth it, we can buy hell lot of stuff”.
The husband agrees and calls his friend over the next day to touch and smack his wife’s bum.
Everyone is in the room now, the wife comes over, removes her skirt and his friend starts touching and feeling his wife’s bum.
Two minutes passed and he is still touching and feeling it.
The husband got angry and screamed, “yo idiot, smack the bum now, enough”
The friend replied, “how can I smack dude, I don’t have $100,000.
Grandpa what is couple
A woman meets a man in a bar
15.
He slid into bed, kissed his wife on the cheek and fell into a deep sleep.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates.
St.Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Ralph.”
Ralph was stunned. “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”
St.Peter said, “Hmm, perhaps that could be arranged.
It does involves a lot of paperwork… but sure.
You’ve got two alternatives: you can come back as a fish or as a hen.”
Ralph never liked swimming, and thought that perhaps being a hen wouldn’t be that bad after all.
Walking around pecking at the ground, no stress, and if the local rooster was nice then perhaps it could be a comfortable existence.
Ralph replied, “Okay, then I choose to be a hen.”
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. “So, you’re the new hen, eh? How’s your first day here?”
“Not bad,” replied Ralph the hen, “but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!”
“You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before?”
“Never,” said Ralph.
“Well, just cluck twice and then push.”
Ralph clucked twice and pushed, and voila, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
He then clucked twice, pushed, and out came another egg.
His joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, “Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You’re shitting the bed!!!”
A woman goes to her doctor
A attorney telephoned the governor
He slid into bed, kissed his wife on the cheek and fell into a deep sleep.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates.
St.Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Ralph.”
Ralph was stunned. “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”
St.Peter said, “Hmm, perhaps that could be arranged.
It does involves a lot of paperwork… but sure.
You’ve got two alternatives: you can come back as a fish or as a hen.”
Ralph never liked swimming, and thought that perhaps being a hen wouldn’t be that bad after all.
Walking around pecking at the ground, no stress, and if the local rooster was nice then perhaps it could be a comfortable existence.
Ralph replied, “Okay, then I choose to be a hen.”
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. “So, you’re the new hen, eh? How’s your first day here?”
“Not bad,” replied Ralph the hen, “but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!”
“You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before?”
“Never,” said Ralph.
“Well, just cluck twice and then push.”
Ralph clucked twice and pushed, and voila, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
He then clucked twice, pushed, and out came another egg.
His joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, “Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You’re shitting the bed!!!”
A woman goes to her doctor
A attorney telephoned the governor
16.
One day, a gentleman’s wife is planning on hosting a dinner party and wants to class it up a bit, so she sends her husband out to pick up some snails for escargot.
He picks up the snails and starts heading home, but on the way, the gentleman runs into an old friend and stops to chat for a minute.
The two get to chatting and the friend suggests, “Wanna grab a pint?”
To which the man replies, “No, I should really be getting back, my wife’ll be pissed if I’m late for her dinner.”
So after some more minor prodding the man, of course, goes out for the one, snails in hand.
The fellas get to drinking and lose track of time, drinking into the night until the man looks up at the clock and realizes,
“Oops! I’m 4 hours late for the darn dinner!”
So he snatches up his bag of snails and tears down the street to home.
As the man starts up his walk, stumbling and plastered, he trips on the front steps, raising a cacophony of sound and alerting his wife to his beleaguered presence.
She slams open the door, looks down at the drunk, and darn near explodes.
“Where the hell have you been?! You’re four hours late for dinner! Explain yourself, ya drunk bastard!”
The man, knowing he’s screwed and looking down at his sad state and the snails scattered all about, decides to take the chance.
Raising his fist and adopting a motivational tone, he says with a dare, “Five feet more lads, we’re almost there!”
A boy was visiting his grandmother
A woman wakes up in the night
One day, a gentleman’s wife is planning on hosting a dinner party and wants to class it up a bit, so she sends her husband out to pick up some snails for escargot.
He picks up the snails and starts heading home, but on the way, the gentleman runs into an old friend and stops to chat for a minute.
The two get to chatting and the friend suggests, “Wanna grab a pint?”
To which the man replies, “No, I should really be getting back, my wife’ll be pissed if I’m late for her dinner.”
So after some more minor prodding the man, of course, goes out for the one, snails in hand.
The fellas get to drinking and lose track of time, drinking into the night until the man looks up at the clock and realizes,
“Oops! I’m 4 hours late for the darn dinner!”
So he snatches up his bag of snails and tears down the street to home.
As the man starts up his walk, stumbling and plastered, he trips on the front steps, raising a cacophony of sound and alerting his wife to his beleaguered presence.
She slams open the door, looks down at the drunk, and darn near explodes.
“Where the hell have you been?! You’re four hours late for dinner! Explain yourself, ya drunk bastard!”
The man, knowing he’s screwed and looking down at his sad state and the snails scattered all about, decides to take the chance.
Raising his fist and adopting a motivational tone, he says with a dare, “Five feet more lads, we’re almost there!”
A boy was visiting his grandmother
A woman wakes up in the night
17.
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, “I am on my way to a lessons about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”
The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”
The man replies, “That would be my wife.”
Basketball injury
A old man and a young man
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, “I am on my way to a lessons about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”
The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”
The man replies, “That would be my wife.”
Basketball injury
A old man and a young man
18.
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.
From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something.
The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule he tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field.
He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd.
When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: “Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.”
“And what about the men?” the minister asked.
“They all wanted to know if the mule was for sale.”
A guard dog
The Argentinean golfer Robert
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.
From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something.
The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule he tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field.
He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd.
When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: “Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.”
“And what about the men?” the minister asked.
“They all wanted to know if the mule was for sale.”
A guard dog
The Argentinean golfer Robert
19.
A herd of cows and two bulls are eating grass out in the pasture.
Suddenly, a great gust of wind comes ripping across the prairie and knocks all the cows to the ground.
But, the bulls just sway in the wind and continue eating.
When the wind quiets down, the cows stand up, brush off the dirt, and start eating again.
A bit later, one cow looks up just in time to see a tornado tearing through the pasture fence.
The tornado knocks the cows every which way, but the bulls just rock back and forth as they are buffeted.
When the cows get back on their feet and pick the straw out of their hide, they all walk over to the bulls.
One cow says, “Why do we cows get knocked over by wind but you bulls keep standing?”
The two bulls laugh and reply, “We bulls wobble, but we don’t fall down.”
A dog and a cat were having an argument
A pretty girl Walking up to a department store
A herd of cows and two bulls are eating grass out in the pasture.
Suddenly, a great gust of wind comes ripping across the prairie and knocks all the cows to the ground.
But, the bulls just sway in the wind and continue eating.
When the wind quiets down, the cows stand up, brush off the dirt, and start eating again.
A bit later, one cow looks up just in time to see a tornado tearing through the pasture fence.
The tornado knocks the cows every which way, but the bulls just rock back and forth as they are buffeted.
When the cows get back on their feet and pick the straw out of their hide, they all walk over to the bulls.
One cow says, “Why do we cows get knocked over by wind but you bulls keep standing?”
The two bulls laugh and reply, “We bulls wobble, but we don’t fall down.”
A dog and a cat were having an argument
A pretty girl Walking up to a department store
20.
Little Bob went with his mom to church every Sunday.
One morning in the middle of the service Bob complained that he was feeling a bit queasy and was afraid he was going to puke.
“No problem dear,” whispered his Mom in his ear, “just head on over to the bathroom on the other side of the Church, and take care of it there.”
Thirty seconds later Bob came back.
“Did you go to the bathroom?” question his Mom.
“No need” responded Bob.
“Right outside the door was a big box with a sign next to it ‘for the sick’, so I just did it in there!”
A man named Marty called his son
Marry was truly a religious woman
Little Bob went with his mom to church every Sunday.
One morning in the middle of the service Bob complained that he was feeling a bit queasy and was afraid he was going to puke.
“No problem dear,” whispered his Mom in his ear, “just head on over to the bathroom on the other side of the Church, and take care of it there.”
Thirty seconds later Bob came back.
“Did you go to the bathroom?” question his Mom.
“No need” responded Bob.
“Right outside the door was a big box with a sign next to it ‘for the sick’, so I just did it in there!”
A man named Marty called his son
Marry was truly a religious woman
21.
Two little old ladies, Connie, and Jean, were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
The short one, Jean, leaned over and said, “Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $10 I’d take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show”!
“You’re on!” said Connie, holding up a $10 bill.
So, Jean slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes.
She grabbed a dried flower from a nearby display and held it between her teeth.
Then, completely naked, she streaked as fast as an old lady can through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
Finally, the smiling Jean came through the exit door to the sounds of a cheering, clapping crowd.
“What happened?” asked Connie.
“I won $1,000 as 1st prize for ‘Best Dried Arrangement’!”
A grandma was cleaning her attic with her cat
A little boy and a little girl attended
Two little old ladies, Connie, and Jean, were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
The short one, Jean, leaned over and said, “Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $10 I’d take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show”!
“You’re on!” said Connie, holding up a $10 bill.
So, Jean slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes.
She grabbed a dried flower from a nearby display and held it between her teeth.
Then, completely naked, she streaked as fast as an old lady can through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
Finally, the smiling Jean came through the exit door to the sounds of a cheering, clapping crowd.
“What happened?” asked Connie.
“I won $1,000 as 1st prize for ‘Best Dried Arrangement’!”
A grandma was cleaning her attic with her cat
A little boy and a little girl attended
22.
“Jill,” a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, “do you mind telling me whose class you’re cutting this time?”
“Like,” the young teen replied, “uh, see, okay, like it’s like I really don’t like think like that’s really important, y’know, like because I’m y’know, like I don’t get anything out of it.”
“It’s English class, isn’t it?” replied the smiling teacher.
A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson
A boss was complaining in a staff meeting
“Jill,” a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, “do you mind telling me whose class you’re cutting this time?”
“Like,” the young teen replied, “uh, see, okay, like it’s like I really don’t like think like that’s really important, y’know, like because I’m y’know, like I don’t get anything out of it.”
“It’s English class, isn’t it?” replied the smiling teacher.
A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson
A boss was complaining in a staff meeting
23.
Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, ‘I think I will divorce my wife. She hasn’t spoken to me in over 2 months.’
Charles continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,
‘You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.’
A special Christmas gift
Mr Steinberg to the hospital
Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, ‘I think I will divorce my wife. She hasn’t spoken to me in over 2 months.’
Charles continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,
‘You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.’
A special Christmas gift
Mr Steinberg to the hospital
24.
A guy and his wife go golfing.
They’re about halfway through the game when the husband slices a shot for the green and drops his ball right behind the greenskeeper’s shed, blocking his chance to chip in.
So, he lines up his shot, planning to hit it out from behind the shed and then up on the green on his next shot.
But his wife stops him.
“See here,“ she says, opening the back door of the shack. “Your ball is laying right in the doorway.” She walks through the shed and opens the front door.
“Look. You can see the pin through the open doors.”
The husband smiles at her and shifts his stance to line up his shot through the open doors.
“This’ll be a great shot to brag about if I make it.”
But alas, he slices again. The ball travels up, hits the frame of the doorway, ricochets and hits the wife right in the forehead. She falls over dead on the spot.
About a year later the same fellow is back out on the same course, this time golfing with his boss.
They get to the hole where the awful tragedy occurred and, as luck would have it, he slices again, dropping it right behind the greenskeeper’s shed.
As he lines up his shot, planning to whack it out from behind the shed and then up on the green on his next shot, but his boss stops him.
“See here,“ the boss says, opening the back door of the shed.
“Your ball is laying right in the doorway.” he walks through the shed and opens the front door.
“Look. You can see the pin through the open doors.”
“No way, man!” he says. “Did the same thing last year. I took a six!”
A student visits her teacher’s office before finals
There are 2 different approaches for
A guy and his wife go golfing.
They’re about halfway through the game when the husband slices a shot for the green and drops his ball right behind the greenskeeper’s shed, blocking his chance to chip in.
So, he lines up his shot, planning to hit it out from behind the shed and then up on the green on his next shot.
But his wife stops him.
“See here,“ she says, opening the back door of the shack. “Your ball is laying right in the doorway.” She walks through the shed and opens the front door.
“Look. You can see the pin through the open doors.”
The husband smiles at her and shifts his stance to line up his shot through the open doors.
“This’ll be a great shot to brag about if I make it.”
But alas, he slices again. The ball travels up, hits the frame of the doorway, ricochets and hits the wife right in the forehead. She falls over dead on the spot.
About a year later the same fellow is back out on the same course, this time golfing with his boss.
They get to the hole where the awful tragedy occurred and, as luck would have it, he slices again, dropping it right behind the greenskeeper’s shed.
As he lines up his shot, planning to whack it out from behind the shed and then up on the green on his next shot, but his boss stops him.
“See here,“ the boss says, opening the back door of the shed.
“Your ball is laying right in the doorway.” he walks through the shed and opens the front door.
“Look. You can see the pin through the open doors.”
“No way, man!” he says. “Did the same thing last year. I took a six!”
A student visits her teacher’s office before finals
There are 2 different approaches for
25.
Two women are walking home from the bar, they both have to piss so they slip into a nearby cemetery.
One uses her underclothes to wipe herself, and the other uses a reef off a head stone.
Next night the husbands met at the bar, one looks at the other and says,
“I’m gonna have to watch my wife, she came home with no undergarment last night.”
The other one says, “Oh well, mine came home with a card wedged in her bum saying,
“You were loved and will be missed by the whole entire fire department.”
John was talking to his fiance
Two women are discussing
Two women are walking home from the bar, they both have to piss so they slip into a nearby cemetery.
One uses her underclothes to wipe herself, and the other uses a reef off a head stone.
Next night the husbands met at the bar, one looks at the other and says,
“I’m gonna have to watch my wife, she came home with no undergarment last night.”
The other one says, “Oh well, mine came home with a card wedged in her bum saying,
“You were loved and will be missed by the whole entire fire department.”
John was talking to his fiance
Two women are discussing
26.
The following day, the teacher asked for the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little Suzy raised her hand, “My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market.”
Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road.
The teacher asked for the moral of the story.
Suzy replied, “Don’t keep all your eggs in one basket.”
Little Lucy went next, “My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator.”
Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched.
Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.
Lucy replied, “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.”
Next up was little Johnny.
He said, My gramps fought in World War 2, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory.
He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a knife.
On the way down, he drank the case of beer.
The teacher looked stunned, but little Johnny continued, Then gramps landed right in the middle of 100 German soldiers.
He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets!
So he pulled out his knife and killed 20 more.
Then the blade on his knife broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands.
The teacher now looked more than a little shocked.
After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
“Well,” Johnny replied, “don’t mess with gramps when he’s been drinking.”
Mrs Murphy and Mrs Cohen
A lion was feeling very hungry
The following day, the teacher asked for the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little Suzy raised her hand, “My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market.”
Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road.
The teacher asked for the moral of the story.
Suzy replied, “Don’t keep all your eggs in one basket.”
Little Lucy went next, “My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator.”
Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched.
Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.
Lucy replied, “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.”
Next up was little Johnny.
He said, My gramps fought in World War 2, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory.
He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a knife.
On the way down, he drank the case of beer.
The teacher looked stunned, but little Johnny continued, Then gramps landed right in the middle of 100 German soldiers.
He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets!
So he pulled out his knife and killed 20 more.
Then the blade on his knife broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands.
The teacher now looked more than a little shocked.
After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
“Well,” Johnny replied, “don’t mess with gramps when he’s been drinking.”
Mrs Murphy and Mrs Cohen
A lion was feeling very hungry
27.
An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house.
They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire.
So, they decided to go see their physician get some help.
Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders.
The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctor’s office very pleased with the advice.
When they got home, the wife said,
“Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don’t you write that down so you won’t forget?”
“Nonsense,” said the husband, “I can remember a dish of ice cream!”
“Well,” said the wife, “I’d also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you’ll forget.”
“Don’t be silly,” replied the husband.
“A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!”
“OK, dear, but I’d like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you’d really better write it down now. You’ll forget,” said the wife.
“Come now, my memory’s not all that bad,” said the husband.
“No problem a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream.”
And with that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him.
The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream.
He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.
Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs.
The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, “Hey, where’s the toast?”
Susie asks her mummy
The grandfather spend time with his grandson
An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house.
They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire.
So, they decided to go see their physician get some help.
Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders.
The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctor’s office very pleased with the advice.
When they got home, the wife said,
“Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don’t you write that down so you won’t forget?”
“Nonsense,” said the husband, “I can remember a dish of ice cream!”
“Well,” said the wife, “I’d also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you’ll forget.”
“Don’t be silly,” replied the husband.
“A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!”
“OK, dear, but I’d like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you’d really better write it down now. You’ll forget,” said the wife.
“Come now, my memory’s not all that bad,” said the husband.
“No problem a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream.”
And with that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him.
The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream.
He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.
Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs.
The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, “Hey, where’s the toast?”
Susie asks her mummy
The grandfather spend time with his grandson
28.
As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.
The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he loaned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.
Since the nun was on her way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient.
Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car, two men watched her from across the street.
One of them turned to the other and said, “I know that the Lord turned water into wine, but if that car starts, I’m going to church every Sunday for the rest of my life!”
The parts wanted to be Boss
A Young Mouse & Frog
As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.
The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he loaned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.
Since the nun was on her way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient.
Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car, two men watched her from across the street.
One of them turned to the other and said, “I know that the Lord turned water into wine, but if that car starts, I’m going to church every Sunday for the rest of my life!”
The parts wanted to be Boss
A Young Mouse & Frog
29.
A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
“You know,” he says, “I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let’s talk.”
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, “What would you like to discuss?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” says the guy. “How about nuclear power?”
“OK,” says the blonde.
“That could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first:
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff–grass.
Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?”
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally, he replies, “I haven’t the slightest idea.”
“So tell me,” says the blonde,
“How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know jack sh*t??”
One man was reading the newspaper
A 6th grade teacher asks a question
A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
“You know,” he says, “I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let’s talk.”
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, “What would you like to discuss?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” says the guy. “How about nuclear power?”
“OK,” says the blonde.
“That could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first:
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff–grass.
Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?”
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally, he replies, “I haven’t the slightest idea.”
“So tell me,” says the blonde,
“How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know jack sh*t??”
One man was reading the newspaper
A 6th grade teacher asks a question
30.
Two boys are playing football in Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler.
Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board from the nearby fence, and knocks the dog out.
A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
“Young 49ers Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal,” he starts writing in his notebook.
“But I’m not a Niners fan,” the little hero replied.
“Sorry, since we are in San Francisco I just assumed you were, ” said the reporter, who proceeds to write, “Little Oakland Raiders Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack.”
“I’m not a Raiders fan, either,” the boy said.
“I assumed everyone in the Bay Area was either for the Niners or Raiders.
What team do you root for?” the reporter asked.
“I’m a Dallas Cowboys fan,” the child said.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, “Little Redneck Punk Kills Beloved Family Pet.”
Two brothers who lived on adjoining farms
A truck driver is driving through
Two boys are playing football in Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler.
Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board from the nearby fence, and knocks the dog out.
A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
“Young 49ers Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal,” he starts writing in his notebook.
“But I’m not a Niners fan,” the little hero replied.
“Sorry, since we are in San Francisco I just assumed you were, ” said the reporter, who proceeds to write, “Little Oakland Raiders Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack.”
“I’m not a Raiders fan, either,” the boy said.
“I assumed everyone in the Bay Area was either for the Niners or Raiders.
What team do you root for?” the reporter asked.
“I’m a Dallas Cowboys fan,” the child said.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, “Little Redneck Punk Kills Beloved Family Pet.”
Two brothers who lived on adjoining farms
A truck driver is driving through
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eng jokes