1.
Little Johnny and Billy are walking to the church for the Sunday prayer.
Billy wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying:
Little Johnny. “Why don’t you ask the Priest?”
So, Billy goes up to the Priest and asks.
“Father, may I smoke while I pray?”
The Priest replies, “No, my son, you may not! That’s utter disrespect to our religion.”
Billy goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.
Little Johnny says, “I’m not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try.”
And so Little Johnny goes up to the Priest and asks.
“Father, may I pray while I smoke?”
To which the Priest eagerly replies.
“By all means, my son. By all means. You can always pray whenever you want to.”
A old man was sitting at a bar
Eliza says to the other two
Little Johnny and Billy are walking to the church for the Sunday prayer.
Billy wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying:
Little Johnny. “Why don’t you ask the Priest?”
So, Billy goes up to the Priest and asks.
“Father, may I smoke while I pray?”
The Priest replies, “No, my son, you may not! That’s utter disrespect to our religion.”
Billy goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.
Little Johnny says, “I’m not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try.”
And so Little Johnny goes up to the Priest and asks.
“Father, may I pray while I smoke?”
To which the Priest eagerly replies.
“By all means, my son. By all means. You can always pray whenever you want to.”
A old man was sitting at a bar
Eliza says to the other two
2.
Once there was a young man whose friends made fun of him for not being good at anything.
As time passes by, the young man loses self esteem and spends more and more nights crying in bed.
But suddenly a geenie appears and grants him one wish.
The man has the perfect wish right away; and tells the geenie that he wished to be able to walk on water.
The next morning, he wants to try his new ability and visits the local swimming pool.
And indeed, it works, the man is mind blown. He’s so happy and thankful to finally have a real ability.
His friends won’t no longer make fun of him.
But then, one of his friends swims by and spots him there standing on the water surface.
He bursts out laughing and shouts: -Look at him, swimming he can’t either!
Two drunks are talking in a bar
A chemist comes back from his lunch break
Once there was a young man whose friends made fun of him for not being good at anything.
As time passes by, the young man loses self esteem and spends more and more nights crying in bed.
But suddenly a geenie appears and grants him one wish.
The man has the perfect wish right away; and tells the geenie that he wished to be able to walk on water.
The next morning, he wants to try his new ability and visits the local swimming pool.
And indeed, it works, the man is mind blown. He’s so happy and thankful to finally have a real ability.
His friends won’t no longer make fun of him.
But then, one of his friends swims by and spots him there standing on the water surface.
He bursts out laughing and shouts: -Look at him, swimming he can’t either!
Two drunks are talking in a bar
A chemist comes back from his lunch break
3.
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Gui try
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas
The great question…. which I have not been able to answer… is, “What does a woman want?”
Sigmund Freud
“I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.”
Sam Kinison
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.”
James Holt McGavran
“I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn’t.”
Patrick Murray
The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once…
Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
Milton Berle
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
A man comes home with his little daughter
Once upon a time a married couple
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Gui try
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas
The great question…. which I have not been able to answer… is, “What does a woman want?”
Sigmund Freud
“I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.”
Sam Kinison
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.”
James Holt McGavran
“I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn’t.”
Patrick Murray
The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once…
Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
Milton Berle
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
A man comes home with his little daughter
Once upon a time a married couple
4.
A man died and went up to heaven.
Upon arriving he noticed two signs One said, “Men Who Are Bossed By Their wives,” the other one said “Men Not Bossed By Their Wives.”
After closer inspection he noticed that while next to the first sign was a big line, by the second sign there was just one man.
After getting even closer he realized it was his friend Harry.
“Hey Harry” the man questioned “what in the world are you doing here? Your wife bosses you around more then anybody.”
“I don’t know” Harry replied “my wife told me to stand here.”
A blonde and brunette are sitting
The CEO of a large company
A man died and went up to heaven.
Upon arriving he noticed two signs One said, “Men Who Are Bossed By Their wives,” the other one said “Men Not Bossed By Their Wives.”
After closer inspection he noticed that while next to the first sign was a big line, by the second sign there was just one man.
After getting even closer he realized it was his friend Harry.
“Hey Harry” the man questioned “what in the world are you doing here? Your wife bosses you around more then anybody.”
“I don’t know” Harry replied “my wife told me to stand here.”
A blonde and brunette are sitting
The CEO of a large company
5.
Nasreddin Hodja had a buffalo whose horns were set wide apart.
Hodja often felt an urge to sit on the animal’s head between the horns, but never dared try it.
One day the animal came and sat down very near him.
Hodja threw caution to the winds and seizing the horns swung himself into the space between them.
“Now I feel like a king on his throne!” he said exultantly to his wife
The buffalo, startled by the sudden invasion of its privacy, got indignantly to its feet and jerked its head violently forward.
Hodja went sailing into the air and fell head foremost into a ditch.
“It doesn’t matter,” he said to his wife who came running to help him.
“It’s not the first time a king has lost his throne.”
Thomas is 32 years old
A blonde and a lawyer
Nasreddin Hodja had a buffalo whose horns were set wide apart.
Hodja often felt an urge to sit on the animal’s head between the horns, but never dared try it.
One day the animal came and sat down very near him.
Hodja threw caution to the winds and seizing the horns swung himself into the space between them.
“Now I feel like a king on his throne!” he said exultantly to his wife
The buffalo, startled by the sudden invasion of its privacy, got indignantly to its feet and jerked its head violently forward.
Hodja went sailing into the air and fell head foremost into a ditch.
“It doesn’t matter,” he said to his wife who came running to help him.
“It’s not the first time a king has lost his throne.”
Thomas is 32 years old
A blonde and a lawyer
6.
A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together.
After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up.
The judge asked the husband,
“What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?”
The husband said, “In the six weeks we’ve been together, we haven’t been able to agree on one thing.”
The wife said, “Seven weeks.
A little boy said Grandpa
A young couple got married
A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together.
After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up.
The judge asked the husband,
“What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?”
The husband said, “In the six weeks we’ve been together, we haven’t been able to agree on one thing.”
The wife said, “Seven weeks.
A little boy said Grandpa
A young couple got married
7.
A couple were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child.
After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife’s stomach with indelible ink.
The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was.
In very tiny letters, the stamp said, “When you can read this, come back and see me.”
A couple is in bed sleeping
The doctor tells his patient
A couple were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child.
After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife’s stomach with indelible ink.
The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was.
In very tiny letters, the stamp said, “When you can read this, come back and see me.”
A couple is in bed sleeping
The doctor tells his patient
8.
A man went to his lawyer and told him, “My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn’t want to pay up. What should I do?”
“Do you have any proof?” asked the lawyer.
“Nope,” replied the man.
“Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owed you,” said the lawyer.
“But it’s only $500,” replied the man.
“Precisely. That’s what he will reply and we will have the proof we need to nail him.”
Two men waiting at the pearly gates
This guy says to his buddy
A man went to his lawyer and told him, “My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn’t want to pay up. What should I do?”
“Do you have any proof?” asked the lawyer.
“Nope,” replied the man.
“Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owed you,” said the lawyer.
“But it’s only $500,” replied the man.
“Precisely. That’s what he will reply and we will have the proof we need to nail him.”
Two men waiting at the pearly gates
This guy says to his buddy
9.
The elderly lady is in the Supermarket and starts throwing the frozen veggies on the floor, so the Manager asks if he can help.
“I’m looking for Broccoli,” informed that they are out of stock she leaves.
Within an hour she’s back throwing the frozen veggies onto the floor,
The irate Manager asks again If he can help, “I’m looking for Broccoli.”
Once again he informs her they are out of stock.
15 min before closing, she comes stalking straight to the Frozen veggies, as she is about to start throwing them out,
The very irritated Manager asks can I help “I’m looking for Broccoli.”
The Manager asks Madam can you spell Dog in Dog more,
She says yes “DOG.”
“Very good, can you spell Cat in Cats delight.”
She says “CAT.”
“Very good, now can you spell bang in Broccoli.”
She says “there’s no bang in Broccoli.”
Madam, I’ve been trying to tell you that all day!!!
A few women were sitting around the table
A lady went into the pharmacy
The elderly lady is in the Supermarket and starts throwing the frozen veggies on the floor, so the Manager asks if he can help.
“I’m looking for Broccoli,” informed that they are out of stock she leaves.
Within an hour she’s back throwing the frozen veggies onto the floor,
The irate Manager asks again If he can help, “I’m looking for Broccoli.”
Once again he informs her they are out of stock.
15 min before closing, she comes stalking straight to the Frozen veggies, as she is about to start throwing them out,
The very irritated Manager asks can I help “I’m looking for Broccoli.”
The Manager asks Madam can you spell Dog in Dog more,
She says yes “DOG.”
“Very good, can you spell Cat in Cats delight.”
She says “CAT.”
“Very good, now can you spell bang in Broccoli.”
She says “there’s no bang in Broccoli.”
Madam, I’ve been trying to tell you that all day!!!
A few women were sitting around the table
A lady went into the pharmacy
10.
A very elderly couple is having their 75th wedding anniversary.
The man said to his wife, “Dear there is something that i must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child has never looked quite like the rest. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer could not take all of that away. But, I must know did he have a different father?”
The wife drops her head unable to look her husband in the eye and then confessed.
“Yes he did.” The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife had said had hit him harder than he expected.
With a tear in his eye he asks “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”
Again the woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally she says to her husband, “You.”
A young lady came home from a date
A 7 year old son came in from school today
A very elderly couple is having their 75th wedding anniversary.
The man said to his wife, “Dear there is something that i must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child has never looked quite like the rest. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer could not take all of that away. But, I must know did he have a different father?”
The wife drops her head unable to look her husband in the eye and then confessed.
“Yes he did.” The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife had said had hit him harder than he expected.
With a tear in his eye he asks “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”
Again the woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally she says to her husband, “You.”
A young lady came home from a date
A 7 year old son came in from school today
11.
A man is skydiving, enjoying his free-fall, when he realizes that he has reached the altitude where he must open his parachute.
So he pulls on the rip cord, but nothing happens.
“No problem,” he says to himself, “I still have my emergency chute.”
So he pulls the rip cord on his emergency parachute, and once again, nothing happens.
Now the man begins to panic.
“What am I going to do?”
He thinks, “I’m a goner!”
Just then he sees a man flying up from the earth toward him.
He can’t figure out where this man is coming from, or what he’s doing, but he thinks to himself, “Maybe he can help me.
If he can’t, then I’m done for.”
When the man gets close enough to him, the skydiver cups his hands and shouts down,
“Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?”
The other man replies, “No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?”
The teacher asks her student
A old lady was stopped
A man is skydiving, enjoying his free-fall, when he realizes that he has reached the altitude where he must open his parachute.
So he pulls on the rip cord, but nothing happens.
“No problem,” he says to himself, “I still have my emergency chute.”
So he pulls the rip cord on his emergency parachute, and once again, nothing happens.
Now the man begins to panic.
“What am I going to do?”
He thinks, “I’m a goner!”
Just then he sees a man flying up from the earth toward him.
He can’t figure out where this man is coming from, or what he’s doing, but he thinks to himself, “Maybe he can help me.
If he can’t, then I’m done for.”
When the man gets close enough to him, the skydiver cups his hands and shouts down,
“Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?”
The other man replies, “No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?”
The teacher asks her student
A old lady was stopped
12.
A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
‘We need a fourth for poker,’ said the friend.
‘I’ll be right over,’ whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, ‘Is it serious?’
‘Oh yes, quite serious,’ said the doctor gravely.
‘In fact, there are three doctors there already!’
A man meets a woman at a bar
A elderly woman went into the doctor
A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
‘We need a fourth for poker,’ said the friend.
‘I’ll be right over,’ whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, ‘Is it serious?’
‘Oh yes, quite serious,’ said the doctor gravely.
‘In fact, there are three doctors there already!’
A man meets a woman at a bar
A elderly woman went into the doctor
13.
Once upon a time an old man and a young man were living nearby.
The old man spread rumors that his young neighbor was a thief.
As a result, the young man was arrested by the police and brought to magistrate.
Days later the young man was proven innocent.
After been released he sued the old man for wrongly accusing him.
In court the old man told the Judge: He just made comments, didn’t harm anyone.
The judge, before passing sentence on the case, told the old man: Write all the things you said about him on a piece of paper.
Cut them up and on the way home, throw the pieces of paper out.
Tomorrow, come back to hear the sentence.
The next day, the judge told the old man: Before receiving the sentence, you will have to go out and gather all the pieces of paper that you threw out yesterday.
The old man said: I can’t do that ! The wind spread them and I won’t know where to find them.
The judge then replied: The same way, simple comments may destroy the honor of a man to such an extent that one is not able to fix it.
“If you can’t speak well of someone, rather don’t say anything.”
Let’s all be masters of our mouths, so that we won’t be slaves of our words.
A elderly man is stopped
Here I was sitting at the bar
Once upon a time an old man and a young man were living nearby.
The old man spread rumors that his young neighbor was a thief.
As a result, the young man was arrested by the police and brought to magistrate.
Days later the young man was proven innocent.
After been released he sued the old man for wrongly accusing him.
In court the old man told the Judge: He just made comments, didn’t harm anyone.
The judge, before passing sentence on the case, told the old man: Write all the things you said about him on a piece of paper.
Cut them up and on the way home, throw the pieces of paper out.
Tomorrow, come back to hear the sentence.
The next day, the judge told the old man: Before receiving the sentence, you will have to go out and gather all the pieces of paper that you threw out yesterday.
The old man said: I can’t do that ! The wind spread them and I won’t know where to find them.
The judge then replied: The same way, simple comments may destroy the honor of a man to such an extent that one is not able to fix it.
“If you can’t speak well of someone, rather don’t say anything.”
Let’s all be masters of our mouths, so that we won’t be slaves of our words.
A elderly man is stopped
Here I was sitting at the bar
14.
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’
‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk.
‘I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’ Puff! She’s gone.
‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep.
‘I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pena Coladas and the love of my life.’
Puff! He’s gone.
‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch.’
The bank robber
Two Elderly Nuns Dulce And Andrea
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’
‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk.
‘I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’ Puff! She’s gone.
‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep.
‘I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pena Coladas and the love of my life.’
Puff! He’s gone.
‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch.’
The bank robber
Two Elderly Nuns Dulce And Andrea
15.
Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”
Thomas replied, “Actually, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”
His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.”
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”
With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, “Yes, I found the perfect girl
She was just like my mother you were right, my mother liked her very much.”
The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?”
Thomas replied, “My father doesn’t like her.”
Two young guys appear in court
Nasreddin Hodja had a buffalo
Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”
Thomas replied, “Actually, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”
His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.”
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”
With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, “Yes, I found the perfect girl
She was just like my mother you were right, my mother liked her very much.”
The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?”
Thomas replied, “My father doesn’t like her.”
Two young guys appear in court
Nasreddin Hodja had a buffalo
16.
The teacher was teaching the kids about starvation.
Being a good teacher,she decided to call on selected students to draw a picture of starvation on the board.
Sue went first, she drew a round circle with three little lines in the middle of the circle.
The teacher said, “That’s very good Sue. What is it?”
Sue said, “That’s a plate with only three carrot sticks to eat, I think that… represents starvation.”
Next went Dan, he drew a round circle with 3 dots in the middle.
The teacher said, “That’s good Dan. What is it?”
Dan said, “That’s a plate with only 3 peas to eat. I think that represents starvation.”
Johnny went next. He drew a picture of a round circle with little squiggly lines all over in the circle.
The teacher said, “That’s good Johnny. What is it?”
Johnny said, “That’s an backside with cobwebs……..
If that isn’t starvation, I don’t know what is.
Once there were three men
Steve got a job as a lumberjack
The teacher was teaching the kids about starvation.
Being a good teacher,she decided to call on selected students to draw a picture of starvation on the board.
Sue went first, she drew a round circle with three little lines in the middle of the circle.
The teacher said, “That’s very good Sue. What is it?”
Sue said, “That’s a plate with only three carrot sticks to eat, I think that… represents starvation.”
Next went Dan, he drew a round circle with 3 dots in the middle.
The teacher said, “That’s good Dan. What is it?”
Dan said, “That’s a plate with only 3 peas to eat. I think that represents starvation.”
Johnny went next. He drew a picture of a round circle with little squiggly lines all over in the circle.
The teacher said, “That’s good Johnny. What is it?”
Johnny said, “That’s an backside with cobwebs……..
If that isn’t starvation, I don’t know what is.
Once there were three men
Steve got a job as a lumberjack
17.
A beautiful innocent young girl wants to meet Santa Claus.
So she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve.
Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the socks.
He is about to leave when the girl says in a cute voice,
“Oh Santa, please stay.”
Santa replies, “HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go, Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”
The girl drops the robe to reveal a corset and underwear and says in an even nice voice,
“Oh Santa, please stay.”
Santa replies, “HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go, Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”
Santa begins to sweat.
The girl takes off her corset and says, “Oh Santa… Please… Stay.”
Santa replies, “HO HO HO, Gotta go,
Gotta go, gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”
Santa wipes his brow.
She loses the underwear and says, “Oh Santa… Please… Stay…”
Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow says,
“HEY HEY HEY, Gotta stay, Gotta stay, Can’t get up the chimney with my pecker this way!
The husband is in the bathroom shaving
Johnny down to the pond to get some water
A beautiful innocent young girl wants to meet Santa Claus.
So she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve.
Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the socks.
He is about to leave when the girl says in a cute voice,
“Oh Santa, please stay.”
Santa replies, “HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go, Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”
The girl drops the robe to reveal a corset and underwear and says in an even nice voice,
“Oh Santa, please stay.”
Santa replies, “HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go, Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”
Santa begins to sweat.
The girl takes off her corset and says, “Oh Santa… Please… Stay.”
Santa replies, “HO HO HO, Gotta go,
Gotta go, gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”
Santa wipes his brow.
She loses the underwear and says, “Oh Santa… Please… Stay…”
Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow says,
“HEY HEY HEY, Gotta stay, Gotta stay, Can’t get up the chimney with my pecker this way!
The husband is in the bathroom shaving
Johnny down to the pond to get some water
18.
John and his wife are getting ready for bed.
The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
“You know love,” she says,
“I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my melons are barely above my waist and my bum is hanging out a mile. I’ve got fat legs and my arms are all flabby.”
She turns to John and says,
“Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself.”
He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice.
“Well… there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.”
A old couple in an old folks home
Little Sally asked her dad
John and his wife are getting ready for bed.
The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
“You know love,” she says,
“I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my melons are barely above my waist and my bum is hanging out a mile. I’ve got fat legs and my arms are all flabby.”
She turns to John and says,
“Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself.”
He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice.
“Well… there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.”
A old couple in an old folks home
Little Sally asked her dad
19.
At school little Johnny’s class is learning about medicines.
Sister Catherine, the teacher, asks the pupils what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for.
The first pupil said: “Tylenol?”
“Very good! And what is it used for?”
“It is used for a headache.”
The second pupil said: “Nytol.”
“Excellent!” said Sister Catherine. “And what it is used for?”
“To help you sleep”, replied the student.
Now it is Johnny’s turn and he said: what is it used for, Johnny?” asked the surprised Sister catherine.
“It is used for diarrhea.”
“And who told you this, Johnny?”
“Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father,…
‘take a V**gra, and maybe that shit will get harder.’”
Sister Catherine fainted.
A young couple on their wedding night
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender
At school little Johnny’s class is learning about medicines.
Sister Catherine, the teacher, asks the pupils what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for.
The first pupil said: “Tylenol?”
“Very good! And what is it used for?”
“It is used for a headache.”
The second pupil said: “Nytol.”
“Excellent!” said Sister Catherine. “And what it is used for?”
“To help you sleep”, replied the student.
Now it is Johnny’s turn and he said: what is it used for, Johnny?” asked the surprised Sister catherine.
“It is used for diarrhea.”
“And who told you this, Johnny?”
“Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father,…
‘take a V**gra, and maybe that shit will get harder.’”
Sister Catherine fainted.
A young couple on their wedding night
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender
20.
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th-grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor,
So he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.
“Now, class. Observe closely the worms,” said the professor putting a worm first into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey.
It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a door nail.
“Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the professor asked.
Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded,
“Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms.”
She wanted to discuss
A Sales Associate at Walmart
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th-grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor,
So he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.
“Now, class. Observe closely the worms,” said the professor putting a worm first into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey.
It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a door nail.
“Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the professor asked.
Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded,
“Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms.”
She wanted to discuss
A Sales Associate at Walmart
21.
A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol.
At that moment, a bee flew in his window.
“What seems to be the problem?” asked the bee.
“I’m out of petrol,” the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away.
Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank.
After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
”Try it now,” said the bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
“Wow,” the man exclaimed.
“What did you put in my petrol tank?”
“BP,” answered the bee.
3 guys crash land on an island
Jane was waiting for Sam to return from an outing
A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol.
At that moment, a bee flew in his window.
“What seems to be the problem?” asked the bee.
“I’m out of petrol,” the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away.
Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank.
After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
”Try it now,” said the bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
“Wow,” the man exclaimed.
“What did you put in my petrol tank?”
“BP,” answered the bee.
3 guys crash land on an island
Jane was waiting for Sam to return from an outing
22.
A man and his wife were in a fancy restaurant.
While ordering, they noticed that the waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket, and after looking around, they observed the other waiters and busboys each had a similar spoon.
So the husband says, “what’s with the spoon?”
The waiter said, “well, we had this company come in and evaluate our time management and they found that people drop their spoon 74.8% more often than any other utensil.
So if we carry one with us, we can reduce the trips back to the kitchen by 3 hours per shift.
The husband was impressed. Sure enough, he dropped his spoon during dinner and the waiter replaced it with his, stating, “I’ll just get another when I go to the kitchen for something else”.
While ordering dessert, the husband noted that the waiter had a very thin string hanging from the fly of his pants, as did the other waiters, so the husband asks, “hey, there’s a string on your pants”.
The waiter tells him, “not all my customers are as observant as you… the same company found that we can reduce the amount of time spent in the bathroom by 2 hours each shift if we tie a string around the end of you-know-what, and when we have to go we just unzip and pull it out with the string completely eliminating the need to wash up and saving time.”
The husband was impressed, but asked, “it’s a good idea but how do you get it back in your pants?”.
The waiter leaned close and whispered, “well I don’t know about the rest of them, but personally I use the spoon.”
A man and his wife were sitting
A guy and a girl are lying
A man and his wife were in a fancy restaurant.
While ordering, they noticed that the waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket, and after looking around, they observed the other waiters and busboys each had a similar spoon.
So the husband says, “what’s with the spoon?”
The waiter said, “well, we had this company come in and evaluate our time management and they found that people drop their spoon 74.8% more often than any other utensil.
So if we carry one with us, we can reduce the trips back to the kitchen by 3 hours per shift.
The husband was impressed. Sure enough, he dropped his spoon during dinner and the waiter replaced it with his, stating, “I’ll just get another when I go to the kitchen for something else”.
While ordering dessert, the husband noted that the waiter had a very thin string hanging from the fly of his pants, as did the other waiters, so the husband asks, “hey, there’s a string on your pants”.
The waiter tells him, “not all my customers are as observant as you… the same company found that we can reduce the amount of time spent in the bathroom by 2 hours each shift if we tie a string around the end of you-know-what, and when we have to go we just unzip and pull it out with the string completely eliminating the need to wash up and saving time.”
The husband was impressed, but asked, “it’s a good idea but how do you get it back in your pants?”.
The waiter leaned close and whispered, “well I don’t know about the rest of them, but personally I use the spoon.”
A man and his wife were sitting
A guy and a girl are lying
23.
A man strolls into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rubber pack.
She asks, “What size please?”
“Good question,” he replies, “I’m not sure,”
“Tell ya what. Right outside, there’s a fence with three h*les in it, stick your weapon in the h*les and tell me which one it fits in,” suggests the lady.
So he takes her advice, goes outside and puts his weapon in the first h*le.
A woman walks past, see’s his tool and starts feeling it.
The man thinks, “Hey, this ain’t too bad.”
Then he puts his weapon in the second h*le, another woman walks by, and gives him a bl*w job.
At this point, he is literally blown away.
He quickly shoves his weapon in the last h*le, and yet another woman walks by, and she starts to shag him.
After they are done rocking, he high-steps it back inside and goes to the counter.
The assistant asks “What size then?”
“Forget the rubber pack,” says the man, “how much for the fence?”
Sarah goes to school
A deaf man enters a pharmacy
A man strolls into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rubber pack.
She asks, “What size please?”
“Good question,” he replies, “I’m not sure,”
“Tell ya what. Right outside, there’s a fence with three h*les in it, stick your weapon in the h*les and tell me which one it fits in,” suggests the lady.
So he takes her advice, goes outside and puts his weapon in the first h*le.
A woman walks past, see’s his tool and starts feeling it.
The man thinks, “Hey, this ain’t too bad.”
Then he puts his weapon in the second h*le, another woman walks by, and gives him a bl*w job.
At this point, he is literally blown away.
He quickly shoves his weapon in the last h*le, and yet another woman walks by, and she starts to shag him.
After they are done rocking, he high-steps it back inside and goes to the counter.
The assistant asks “What size then?”
“Forget the rubber pack,” says the man, “how much for the fence?”
Sarah goes to school
A deaf man enters a pharmacy
24.
A guys walking down the street with a bag of rabbit droppings, he runs into one of his friends who asks what’s in the bag.
Guy says “Smart Pills,”
His friend says “Gimme one of them Smart Pills.”
Then reaches in the bag without hesitating what his friend says and pops a handful of them in his mouth before his friend say something.
He looks at the guy and says “These smart pills taste like uhghhhh,”
Guy says “You’re getting smarter already.”
A guy sits down in a movie theater
A rabbit and a bear were walking in the forest
A guys walking down the street with a bag of rabbit droppings, he runs into one of his friends who asks what’s in the bag.
Guy says “Smart Pills,”
His friend says “Gimme one of them Smart Pills.”
Then reaches in the bag without hesitating what his friend says and pops a handful of them in his mouth before his friend say something.
He looks at the guy and says “These smart pills taste like uhghhhh,”
Guy says “You’re getting smarter already.”
A guy sits down in a movie theater
A rabbit and a bear were walking in the forest
25.
Three friends were at the bar talking, and after many rounds of beer, one of them suggests that everyone admits something they have never admitted to anyone.
“Okay,” says the first, “I’ve never told anybody I’m a gay!”
The second confesses, “I’m having an affair with my boss’s wife.”
The third, Moishe, begins, “I don’t know how to tell you…”
“Don’t be shy,” the two friends said.
“Well,” says Moishe, “I can’t keep secrets.”
A blonde and lawyer are play a game
I need your help
Three friends were at the bar talking, and after many rounds of beer, one of them suggests that everyone admits something they have never admitted to anyone.
“Okay,” says the first, “I’ve never told anybody I’m a gay!”
The second confesses, “I’m having an affair with my boss’s wife.”
The third, Moishe, begins, “I don’t know how to tell you…”
“Don’t be shy,” the two friends said.
“Well,” says Moishe, “I can’t keep secrets.”
A blonde and lawyer are play a game
I need your help
26.
Wife sends a text message to her husband on a really cold winter morning:
Windows are totally frozen, will not open.
Husband replies:
“Carefully pour some warm water over it and tap the edges first with your hand, if that doesn’t work, then gently with a hammer.”
15 minutes later, the wife texts back:
“Oh no, I think the laptop is now totally gone.”
A man dreams that he is a chicken
A guy walks up to a caretaker in a dog shelter
Wife sends a text message to her husband on a really cold winter morning:
Windows are totally frozen, will not open.
Husband replies:
“Carefully pour some warm water over it and tap the edges first with your hand, if that doesn’t work, then gently with a hammer.”
15 minutes later, the wife texts back:
“Oh no, I think the laptop is now totally gone.”
A man dreams that he is a chicken
A guy walks up to a caretaker in a dog shelter
27.
After returning from his honeymoon…
…with his bride Virgina, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop inJersey to say hello to his friends.
Giovanni said, “Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep down to Florida?”
Luigi, “Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down.”
“Whata you mean, Luigi?” asked Giovanni.
“Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station.
My beautiful Virginia , she packa big basket a food. …She brought da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket. The conductore come aby, waga his finger at us anda say, ‘No eat indisa ca’
So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta at open da bottle of a nice a vino!
Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, ‘No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.’ So, we go to cluba car.
While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar.
The conductore, he waga ‘is finger again and say, ‘No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car ..’
So we go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.
Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to our sleeper car anda go to bed.
We just about to go boombada boombada …. and the conductore, he walka through da hallway shouting at a top of his a voice.. ‘Nofolk Virginia ! Nofolk Virginia!’
“Nexta time, I’ma just gonna driva my car….”
A guy’s partner called him late
I recall my first time with a protection
After returning from his honeymoon…
…with his bride Virgina, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop inJersey to say hello to his friends.
Giovanni said, “Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep down to Florida?”
Luigi, “Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down.”
“Whata you mean, Luigi?” asked Giovanni.
“Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station.
My beautiful Virginia , she packa big basket a food. …She brought da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket. The conductore come aby, waga his finger at us anda say, ‘No eat indisa ca’
So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta at open da bottle of a nice a vino!
Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, ‘No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.’ So, we go to cluba car.
While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar.
The conductore, he waga ‘is finger again and say, ‘No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car ..’
So we go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.
Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to our sleeper car anda go to bed.
We just about to go boombada boombada …. and the conductore, he walka through da hallway shouting at a top of his a voice.. ‘Nofolk Virginia ! Nofolk Virginia!’
“Nexta time, I’ma just gonna driva my car….”
A guy’s partner called him late
I recall my first time with a protection
28.
A blonde woman decides that she is sick and tired of all the blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.
He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is OK.
She replies yes.
He asks what she is doing.
She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, “For best results, put on two coats.”
A man walked into a cowboy bar
A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads
A blonde woman decides that she is sick and tired of all the blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.
He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is OK.
She replies yes.
He asks what she is doing.
She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, “For best results, put on two coats.”
A man walked into a cowboy bar
A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads
29.
An old man lived alone. His only son was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son.
Dear Son,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year.
I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.
If you were here, all my troubles would be over.
I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren’t in prison.
Love,
Dad
Shortly, the old man received this telegram:
‘For Heaven’s sake, Dad, don’t dig up the plot.
That’s where I buried the GUNS!!’
At 4 a.m. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what had happened, and asked him what to do next.
His son’s reply: ‘Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad.
It’s the best I could do for you, from here.’
A guy comes home from work
A woman has to go to Italy
An old man lived alone. His only son was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son.
Dear Son,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year.
I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.
If you were here, all my troubles would be over.
I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren’t in prison.
Love,
Dad
Shortly, the old man received this telegram:
‘For Heaven’s sake, Dad, don’t dig up the plot.
That’s where I buried the GUNS!!’
At 4 a.m. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what had happened, and asked him what to do next.
His son’s reply: ‘Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad.
It’s the best I could do for you, from here.’
A guy comes home from work
A woman has to go to Italy
30.
After 25 years of marriage, a husband took a long look at his wife one day and said:
“Twenty-five years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, and I slept on a sofa bed, but I got to sleep every night with a twenty-six year old blonde.
Now, we have a nice house, a nice car and a big bed, but I’m sleeping with a fifty-one year old woman.
It seems that you’re not pulling your weight.”
She replied calmly: “Then why don’t you go out and find a twenty-six year old blonde?
And when you do, I’ll make sure once again that you’ll be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, and sleeping on a sofa bed.”
A curious child asked his mother
A man was standing in front of mirror
After 25 years of marriage, a husband took a long look at his wife one day and said:
“Twenty-five years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, and I slept on a sofa bed, but I got to sleep every night with a twenty-six year old blonde.
Now, we have a nice house, a nice car and a big bed, but I’m sleeping with a fifty-one year old woman.
It seems that you’re not pulling your weight.”
She replied calmly: “Then why don’t you go out and find a twenty-six year old blonde?
And when you do, I’ll make sure once again that you’ll be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, and sleeping on a sofa bed.”
A curious child asked his mother
A man was standing in front of mirror
Tags:
eng jokes