1.
An accountant was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local night house.
When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, “Is this a union house?”
“No, I’m sorry, it isn’t.”
“Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?”
“The house gets $80 and the girls get $20.”
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.
His search continued until finally he reached a night house where the madame said, “Why yes, this is a union house.”
“And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?”
“The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.”
“That’s more like it!” the man said.
He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. “I’d like her for the night.”
“I’m sure you would, sir,” said the madame, gesturing to a fat 50-year-old woman in the corner, “but Ethel here has seniority.”
Three old men are discussing
A guy dials his home phone from work
An accountant was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local night house.
When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, “Is this a union house?”
“No, I’m sorry, it isn’t.”
“Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?”
“The house gets $80 and the girls get $20.”
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.
His search continued until finally he reached a night house where the madame said, “Why yes, this is a union house.”
“And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?”
“The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.”
“That’s more like it!” the man said.
He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. “I’d like her for the night.”
“I’m sure you would, sir,” said the madame, gesturing to a fat 50-year-old woman in the corner, “but Ethel here has seniority.”
Three old men are discussing
A guy dials his home phone from work
2.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.
So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.
Later they get together.
The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water.
Next week is his first communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast.
“Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard
The man pulled over and asked the truck driver
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.
So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.
Later they get together.
The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water.
Next week is his first communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast.
“Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard
The man pulled over and asked the truck driver
3.
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won’t remember, but you were in a pile up on the freeway.
You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, but something happened.
I’m trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it.”
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You’ve got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact!
But the thing is, it doesn’t come cheap.
It’s $1000 an inch.”
The man perks up at this.
“So,” the doctor says, “it’s for you to decide how many inches you want, but it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife.
I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine inches, she might be a bit put out.
But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five inches this time, she might be disappointed.
So it’s important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.”
The man agrees to talk with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day.
“So,” says the doctor, “have you spoken with your wife?”
“I have,” says the man.
“And has she helped you in making the decision?” asked the doctor.
“She has,” says the man.
“And what is it?” asks the doctor.
“We’re getting a new kitchen.”
Two women are discussing
There are three women
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won’t remember, but you were in a pile up on the freeway.
You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, but something happened.
I’m trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it.”
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You’ve got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact!
But the thing is, it doesn’t come cheap.
It’s $1000 an inch.”
The man perks up at this.
“So,” the doctor says, “it’s for you to decide how many inches you want, but it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife.
I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine inches, she might be a bit put out.
But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five inches this time, she might be disappointed.
So it’s important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.”
The man agrees to talk with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day.
“So,” says the doctor, “have you spoken with your wife?”
“I have,” says the man.
“And has she helped you in making the decision?” asked the doctor.
“She has,” says the man.
“And what is it?” asks the doctor.
“We’re getting a new kitchen.”
Two women are discussing
There are three women
4.
A teacher is trying to teach good manners to her third-grade students.
She turned to her class and said,
“Michael if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?”
Michael said, “Just a minute, I have to go pee.”
The teacher responded by saying, “Well, that would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?”
Sherman said, “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”
“That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you behave for once and show us your good manners?”
Johnny said, “I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner.”
That’s when the teacher fainted.
Johnny asks his dad
A salesman is talking to an old farmer
A teacher is trying to teach good manners to her third-grade students.
She turned to her class and said,
“Michael if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?”
Michael said, “Just a minute, I have to go pee.”
The teacher responded by saying, “Well, that would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?”
Sherman said, “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”
“That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you behave for once and show us your good manners?”
Johnny said, “I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner.”
That’s when the teacher fainted.
Johnny asks his dad
A salesman is talking to an old farmer
5.
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn’t miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turnaround, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grumpy old man.
He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.
The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn’t let up for a single minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.
A Amish boy and his father
There was a little old lady
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn’t miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turnaround, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grumpy old man.
He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.
The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn’t let up for a single minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.
A Amish boy and his father
There was a little old lady
6.
Three blondes are talking about their boyfriends.
“It’s funny,” says Samantha, “Peter’s nuts are always cold as ice when I’m giving him a BJ!”
“You know what?” replies Jenny, “It’s exactly the same with my Richard!”
They turn to the third blonde and ask: “When you blow Chris, are his nuts cold, also?”
“Ugh! That’s disgusting! I never put his thing in my mouth!”
“You’re crazy,” one of the blondes pipes up.
“A good BJ is the best way to keep a guy! You should try it!”
She says she’ll think about it.
The next morning, they meet at the cafe and the BJ novice is sporting a wicked shiner.
“Whoa!” the first blonde asks, “How did you get that black eye?!”
“Chris hit me when I was blowing him,” she said.
“What on earth for?!” the second blonde asks.
“I don’t know,” she replies. “All I did was tell him how strange it was that his nuts were so warm, seeing as Pete and Richard’s are so cold!”
Three guys are in a Cessna
A woman goes to the doctor
Three blondes are talking about their boyfriends.
“It’s funny,” says Samantha, “Peter’s nuts are always cold as ice when I’m giving him a BJ!”
“You know what?” replies Jenny, “It’s exactly the same with my Richard!”
They turn to the third blonde and ask: “When you blow Chris, are his nuts cold, also?”
“Ugh! That’s disgusting! I never put his thing in my mouth!”
“You’re crazy,” one of the blondes pipes up.
“A good BJ is the best way to keep a guy! You should try it!”
She says she’ll think about it.
The next morning, they meet at the cafe and the BJ novice is sporting a wicked shiner.
“Whoa!” the first blonde asks, “How did you get that black eye?!”
“Chris hit me when I was blowing him,” she said.
“What on earth for?!” the second blonde asks.
“I don’t know,” she replies. “All I did was tell him how strange it was that his nuts were so warm, seeing as Pete and Richard’s are so cold!”
Three guys are in a Cessna
A woman goes to the doctor
7.
A woman goes to her doctor,
complaining that her husband is 300% impotent.
The doctor says,
“I’m not sure I understand what you mean.”
She says, “Well, the first 100% you can imagine.
In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger
A recently married couple are in bed
A statue of a Macho athlete
A woman goes to her doctor,
complaining that her husband is 300% impotent.
The doctor says,
“I’m not sure I understand what you mean.”
She says, “Well, the first 100% you can imagine.
In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger
A recently married couple are in bed
A statue of a Macho athlete
8.
A guy comes home from work and he is quite upset.
His wife looks worried and asks him what’s wrong.
He shakes his head and refuses to say anything.
Later, during dinner, he’s just pushing his food around on his plate and staring out the window.
“Honey, what is it? I’ve never seen you like this before.”
The wife says, “It’s . . . nothing,” he says.
“I can’t burden you with my problems. It wouldn’t be fair.”
“Your problems?” the wife says. “We are partners.
We face everything together.
Your problem is my problem.
There is no I, just we.
Now please, tell me, what is it?”
“Well,” he says, looking up at her glumly.
“we got our secretary pregnant and now she’s suing us for support.”
Man was travelling through
The old man wrote a letter to his son
A guy comes home from work and he is quite upset.
His wife looks worried and asks him what’s wrong.
He shakes his head and refuses to say anything.
Later, during dinner, he’s just pushing his food around on his plate and staring out the window.
“Honey, what is it? I’ve never seen you like this before.”
The wife says, “It’s . . . nothing,” he says.
“I can’t burden you with my problems. It wouldn’t be fair.”
“Your problems?” the wife says. “We are partners.
We face everything together.
Your problem is my problem.
There is no I, just we.
Now please, tell me, what is it?”
“Well,” he says, looking up at her glumly.
“we got our secretary pregnant and now she’s suing us for support.”
Man was travelling through
The old man wrote a letter to his son
9.
A man was feeling terribly out of sorts and decided to go to the doctor so he made an appointment and showed up the next day.
After the doctor examined the man, the doctor invited him into his office for the consultation.
The doctor came into the room with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor told the man to take the red pill in the morning with a big glass of water, the blue pill in the afternoon with a big glass of water and the green pill in the evening with a big glass of water.
The man, terribly shocked at the amount of pills he had to take asked the doctor what in the world was wrong with him.
The doctor replied, “You aren’t getting enough water.”
A student called up his Mom
A woman went to police station
A man was feeling terribly out of sorts and decided to go to the doctor so he made an appointment and showed up the next day.
After the doctor examined the man, the doctor invited him into his office for the consultation.
The doctor came into the room with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor told the man to take the red pill in the morning with a big glass of water, the blue pill in the afternoon with a big glass of water and the green pill in the evening with a big glass of water.
The man, terribly shocked at the amount of pills he had to take asked the doctor what in the world was wrong with him.
The doctor replied, “You aren’t getting enough water.”
A student called up his Mom
A woman went to police station
10.
A squirrel joined the service of the King of the Forest, the lion.
He did whatever work was given him, quickly and well
The lion became fond of him and promised to give him a cartload of almonds as pension when he retired.
The squirrel envied the other squirrels in the forest because of their carefree life.
He longed to run up and down trees and leap from branch to branch like them but he could not leave the king’s side and even if he could he had to move with courtly dignity.
He consoled himself with the thought that at the end of his career, he would receive a cartload of almonds, a food that few squirrels got to taste in their lifetime.
“They will envy me then,” he would tell himself.
The years passed
The squirrel became old and then it was time for him to retire.
The king gave a grand banquet in his honor and at the end of it, presented him with a cartload of almonds as he had promised.
The squirrel had waited so long for this day but when he saw the almonds, he was seized with sadness.
He realized they were of no use to him now
He had lost all his teeth.
A Old Lady Writes To God
Dennis Fowler Gym Dilemma
A squirrel joined the service of the King of the Forest, the lion.
He did whatever work was given him, quickly and well
The lion became fond of him and promised to give him a cartload of almonds as pension when he retired.
The squirrel envied the other squirrels in the forest because of their carefree life.
He longed to run up and down trees and leap from branch to branch like them but he could not leave the king’s side and even if he could he had to move with courtly dignity.
He consoled himself with the thought that at the end of his career, he would receive a cartload of almonds, a food that few squirrels got to taste in their lifetime.
“They will envy me then,” he would tell himself.
The years passed
The squirrel became old and then it was time for him to retire.
The king gave a grand banquet in his honor and at the end of it, presented him with a cartload of almonds as he had promised.
The squirrel had waited so long for this day but when he saw the almonds, he was seized with sadness.
He realized they were of no use to him now
He had lost all his teeth.
A Old Lady Writes To God
Dennis Fowler Gym Dilemma
11.
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.
Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
“Now don’t get mad at me….I know we’ve been friends for a long time…..but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”
The owner of a golf course was confused
A old lady goes to her bank
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.
Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
“Now don’t get mad at me….I know we’ve been friends for a long time…..but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”
The owner of a golf course was confused
A old lady goes to her bank
12.
A woman comes to the doctor with broken teeth
Blonde Become His Stepmother
A woman comes to the doctor with broken teeth
Blonde Become His Stepmother
13.
Two guys were playing golf, one of them was about to swing the golf club when he noticed a funeral procession going by on the street.
The man stopped in mid-swing and closed his eyes and said a short prayer.
The other man truly inspired, remarked, clearing his throat, “wow that was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen.”
“Well”, the other man said “I was married to her for 35 years.”
A elderly wealthy man walks
A blonde and brunette are sitting
Two guys were playing golf, one of them was about to swing the golf club when he noticed a funeral procession going by on the street.
The man stopped in mid-swing and closed his eyes and said a short prayer.
The other man truly inspired, remarked, clearing his throat, “wow that was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen.”
“Well”, the other man said “I was married to her for 35 years.”
A elderly wealthy man walks
A blonde and brunette are sitting
14.
Near Tokyo lived a great Samurai, now old, who decided to teach Zen Buddhism to young people.
One afternoon, a warrior known for his complete lack of scruples – arrived there
The young and impatient warrior had never lost a fight.
Hearing of the Samurai’s reputation, he had come to defeat him, and increase his fame.
All the students were against the idea, but the old man accepted the challenge.
All gathered on the town square, and the young man started insulting the old master.
He threw a few rocks in his direction, spat in his face, shouted every insult under the sun he even insulted his ancestors.
For hours, he did everything to provoke him, but the old man remained impassive
At the end of the afternoon, by now feeling exhausted and humiliated, the impetuous warrior left.
Disappointed by the fact that the master had received so many insults and provocations, the students asked:
How could you bear such indignity? Why didn’t you use your sword, even knowing you might lose the fight, instead of displaying your cowardice in front of us all?
If someone comes to you with a gift, and you do not accept it, who does the gift belong to? – asked the Samurai.
He who tried to deliver it – replied one of his disciples.
The same goes for envy, anger and insults – said the master.
“When they are not accepted, they continue to belong to the one who carried them.”
Girl taunts old man
Three newlywed men were discussing
Near Tokyo lived a great Samurai, now old, who decided to teach Zen Buddhism to young people.
One afternoon, a warrior known for his complete lack of scruples – arrived there
The young and impatient warrior had never lost a fight.
Hearing of the Samurai’s reputation, he had come to defeat him, and increase his fame.
All the students were against the idea, but the old man accepted the challenge.
All gathered on the town square, and the young man started insulting the old master.
He threw a few rocks in his direction, spat in his face, shouted every insult under the sun he even insulted his ancestors.
For hours, he did everything to provoke him, but the old man remained impassive
At the end of the afternoon, by now feeling exhausted and humiliated, the impetuous warrior left.
Disappointed by the fact that the master had received so many insults and provocations, the students asked:
How could you bear such indignity? Why didn’t you use your sword, even knowing you might lose the fight, instead of displaying your cowardice in front of us all?
If someone comes to you with a gift, and you do not accept it, who does the gift belong to? – asked the Samurai.
He who tried to deliver it – replied one of his disciples.
The same goes for envy, anger and insults – said the master.
“When they are not accepted, they continue to belong to the one who carried them.”
Girl taunts old man
Three newlywed men were discussing
15.
Mr. Smith goes to the doctor’s office to collect his wife’s test results.
The lab tech says to him, “I’m sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife’s. Frankly, that’s either bad or terrible.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer’s disease and the other for AIDS. We can’t tell which is your wife.”
“That’s terrible! Can we do the test over?” asked Mr. Smith.
“Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won’t pay for these expensive tests more than once.”
“Well, what am I supposed to do now?”
“The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don’t sleep with her.”
A woman goes into a restaurant with 15 kids
A very attractive young lady was sitting
Mr. Smith goes to the doctor’s office to collect his wife’s test results.
The lab tech says to him, “I’m sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife’s. Frankly, that’s either bad or terrible.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer’s disease and the other for AIDS. We can’t tell which is your wife.”
“That’s terrible! Can we do the test over?” asked Mr. Smith.
“Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won’t pay for these expensive tests more than once.”
“Well, what am I supposed to do now?”
“The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don’t sleep with her.”
A woman goes into a restaurant with 15 kids
A very attractive young lady was sitting
16.
A man with a mask on walks into a bank and goes to the desk.
He pulls out a gun and points it at the lady at the desk. He says,’Open the vault skank’.
The woman says, ‘Sir, this is a seed bank.
We don’t have any money here’.
The man says, ‘Open the vault right now or i’m going to blow your bang head off’. She opens the vault and turns back to the man and he said, ‘Take out one of those jars’.
The woman said, ‘please sir, i promise you we don’t have any money here.
This is a seed bank’.
The man said, ‘Take out one of those jars right now or ill blow your bang head off’.
The women turns, grabs the jar and looks back to the man and he said, ‘Take lid off and swallow it’.
She looks at him in disgust and pleads to him saying, ‘Sir, this is seed.
Please, i’m not drinking seed.
We don’t have any money here. Please leave’.
The man says, ‘Take the lid off and drink it or ill blow your bang head off’.
So the woman’s takes off the lid and kicks it back real quick and swallows it with little to no problem then turns to look back at the man and to her amazement he took off the mask and it was her husband.
He looked at her and said, ‘See! It’s not that bang difficult is it’.
A guy goes on to a ship
Girl melons got one size bigger
A man with a mask on walks into a bank and goes to the desk.
He pulls out a gun and points it at the lady at the desk. He says,’Open the vault skank’.
The woman says, ‘Sir, this is a seed bank.
We don’t have any money here’.
The man says, ‘Open the vault right now or i’m going to blow your bang head off’. She opens the vault and turns back to the man and he said, ‘Take out one of those jars’.
The woman said, ‘please sir, i promise you we don’t have any money here.
This is a seed bank’.
The man said, ‘Take out one of those jars right now or ill blow your bang head off’.
The women turns, grabs the jar and looks back to the man and he said, ‘Take lid off and swallow it’.
She looks at him in disgust and pleads to him saying, ‘Sir, this is seed.
Please, i’m not drinking seed.
We don’t have any money here. Please leave’.
The man says, ‘Take the lid off and drink it or ill blow your bang head off’.
So the woman’s takes off the lid and kicks it back real quick and swallows it with little to no problem then turns to look back at the man and to her amazement he took off the mask and it was her husband.
He looked at her and said, ‘See! It’s not that bang difficult is it’.
A guy goes on to a ship
Girl melons got one size bigger
17.
Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory.
They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house.
Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colors.
One day, they heard, “Yellow, blue, black.”
One of the nuns noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their underwear.
She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.
The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, “Black, black, black.”
Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished.
One of the nuns spoke up, “Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird.”
After saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should be wearing any underwear under their vestments.
Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no underwear, and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot’s house.
They peeked at the bird.
At the beginning, the parrot looked a bit puzzled. He swung back and forth on the cane he was perched on.
Then, after a while, the Parrot spoke, “Straight, Straight, Curly!”
A family is sitting around the supper table
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says
Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory.
They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house.
Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colors.
One day, they heard, “Yellow, blue, black.”
One of the nuns noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their underwear.
She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.
The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, “Black, black, black.”
Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished.
One of the nuns spoke up, “Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird.”
After saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should be wearing any underwear under their vestments.
Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no underwear, and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot’s house.
They peeked at the bird.
At the beginning, the parrot looked a bit puzzled. He swung back and forth on the cane he was perched on.
Then, after a while, the Parrot spoke, “Straight, Straight, Curly!”
A family is sitting around the supper table
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says
18.
Two accountants were in a bank when a gang of armed robbers burst in.
While some of the robbers snatched bundles of cash from the tellers, others lined the customers up against the wall and relieved them of their wallets, watches and other valuables.
As the robbers moved down the line, one accountant pressed something into the hand of the other accountant.
“What’s this?” said the second accountant without looking down.
His colleague replied: “It’s that $100 I owe you.”
A call girl brings a client
A country guy in a bar
Two accountants were in a bank when a gang of armed robbers burst in.
While some of the robbers snatched bundles of cash from the tellers, others lined the customers up against the wall and relieved them of their wallets, watches and other valuables.
As the robbers moved down the line, one accountant pressed something into the hand of the other accountant.
“What’s this?” said the second accountant without looking down.
His colleague replied: “It’s that $100 I owe you.”
A call girl brings a client
A country guy in a bar
19.
A woman wants to divorce her husband, so she is talking to her lawyer.
Lawyer: “Well first we need a reason, is he not giving you money?”
Woman: “if he hides as much as a dollar from me, I’m not cooking for him for three days straight.”
Lawyer: “Well is he beating you?”
Woman: “Him? I’d throw him through the window, with my left hand only”
Lawyer: “How about being faithful?”
Women: “That’s where we get him! The second child is not from him.”
This blonde city girl who was out driving
The bride immediately called her mother
A woman wants to divorce her husband, so she is talking to her lawyer.
Lawyer: “Well first we need a reason, is he not giving you money?”
Woman: “if he hides as much as a dollar from me, I’m not cooking for him for three days straight.”
Lawyer: “Well is he beating you?”
Woman: “Him? I’d throw him through the window, with my left hand only”
Lawyer: “How about being faithful?”
Women: “That’s where we get him! The second child is not from him.”
This blonde city girl who was out driving
The bride immediately called her mother
20.
So an older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend .
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, “I don’t think you understand, I want something very special.”
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
“Here’s a stunning ring at only ££40,000”, the jeweler said.
The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.”
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check.
“I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,” he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.
“There’s no money in that account.”
“I know”, said the old man,
“but can you imagine the weekend I had?”
Three Scotsmen were sitting in a bar
The owner of a golf course was confused
So an older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend .
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, “I don’t think you understand, I want something very special.”
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
“Here’s a stunning ring at only ££40,000”, the jeweler said.
The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.”
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check.
“I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,” he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.
“There’s no money in that account.”
“I know”, said the old man,
“but can you imagine the weekend I had?”
Three Scotsmen were sitting in a bar
The owner of a golf course was confused
21.
Three fathers we sitting in a bar bragging to each other about how successful each of their sons was.
The first father declared, “my son is a successful doctor. In fact, he just bought his best friend a brand new car.”
“That’s all fine and good.” Said the second father.
“But my son is a successful lawyer. He just bought his best friend a brand new yacht!”
“Ha!” Laughed the third father.
“My son in an incredibly successful CEO of a large company. He just bought his friend his own private jet!”
Just then, a fourth father walked in and sat down with them.
“What does your son do?” asked the first father.
“My son is a gay stripper.” The fourth father replied.
The other fathers looked at each other.
“You must be disappointed in how his life turned out then.”
“Nah.” said the fourth father.
“In fact, he has three boyfriends and they all just bought him a car, a yacht, and a private jet.”
A young man was watching the news
The English teacher called Peter
Three fathers we sitting in a bar bragging to each other about how successful each of their sons was.
The first father declared, “my son is a successful doctor. In fact, he just bought his best friend a brand new car.”
“That’s all fine and good.” Said the second father.
“But my son is a successful lawyer. He just bought his best friend a brand new yacht!”
“Ha!” Laughed the third father.
“My son in an incredibly successful CEO of a large company. He just bought his friend his own private jet!”
Just then, a fourth father walked in and sat down with them.
“What does your son do?” asked the first father.
“My son is a gay stripper.” The fourth father replied.
The other fathers looked at each other.
“You must be disappointed in how his life turned out then.”
“Nah.” said the fourth father.
“In fact, he has three boyfriends and they all just bought him a car, a yacht, and a private jet.”
A young man was watching the news
The English teacher called Peter
22.
On the first morning of the visit, John’s grandpa prepared a breakfast of bacon and eggs.
John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and asked, “Are these plates clean?”
His grandpa replied, “They’re as clean as cold water can get them just go ahead and finish your meal.”
For lunch, Grandpa made hamburgers.
Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have specks of dried egg on it.
“Are you sure these plates are clean?” he asked.
Without looking up, Grandpa said, “I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them!”
Later, as John was leaving, his grandpa’s dog started to growl and wouldn’t let him pass.
John said, “Grandpa, your dog won’t let me get by!”
Grandpa yelled to the dog, “Cold Water, go lie down!”
A son took his old father to a restaurant
A father watched his young daughter
On the first morning of the visit, John’s grandpa prepared a breakfast of bacon and eggs.
John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and asked, “Are these plates clean?”
His grandpa replied, “They’re as clean as cold water can get them just go ahead and finish your meal.”
For lunch, Grandpa made hamburgers.
Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have specks of dried egg on it.
“Are you sure these plates are clean?” he asked.
Without looking up, Grandpa said, “I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them!”
Later, as John was leaving, his grandpa’s dog started to growl and wouldn’t let him pass.
John said, “Grandpa, your dog won’t let me get by!”
Grandpa yelled to the dog, “Cold Water, go lie down!”
A son took his old father to a restaurant
A father watched his young daughter
23.
Lisa came up behind her husband while he was drinking his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head.
“Ow!” Larry exclaimed. “What was that for?”
“I found a piece of paper in your pants with the name ‘Mary Lou’ written on it,” she said angrily. “You better have a good explanation!”
“Calm down, honey,” Larry said. “I was at the dog track last week and that was the name of the dog I bet on.”
Later that same day, Lisa walked up to her husband and smacked him hard on the forehead when he walked in the door from work.
“What the heck was that for?” he demanded.
“Your dog just called.”
A young boy enters a barber shop
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son
Lisa came up behind her husband while he was drinking his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head.
“Ow!” Larry exclaimed. “What was that for?”
“I found a piece of paper in your pants with the name ‘Mary Lou’ written on it,” she said angrily. “You better have a good explanation!”
“Calm down, honey,” Larry said. “I was at the dog track last week and that was the name of the dog I bet on.”
Later that same day, Lisa walked up to her husband and smacked him hard on the forehead when he walked in the door from work.
“What the heck was that for?” he demanded.
“Your dog just called.”
A young boy enters a barber shop
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son
24.
A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him.
So the first morning of her honeymoon when the young Japanese bride crawled out of the bed after making love and she stooped down to pick up her husband’s clothes and she let out a big fart.
She looked up and said, “Excuse please, front private part so happy back private part whistle!
A man took his wife to a Broadway show
A wife asked her husband to describe
A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him.
So the first morning of her honeymoon when the young Japanese bride crawled out of the bed after making love and she stooped down to pick up her husband’s clothes and she let out a big fart.
She looked up and said, “Excuse please, front private part so happy back private part whistle!
A man took his wife to a Broadway show
A wife asked her husband to describe
25.
The $50 Cruise.
A man sees an ad for a $50 cruise on Craigslist.
Despite his better judgement, he grabs some cash and makes his way to the address given in the ad.
He opens the door to a small office and is knocked unconscious from behind.
He wakes up tied to a barrel floating in the Atlantic Ocean.
“Well, this taste it”, he thinks out loud.
A second man floats by, also tied to a barrel.
“Tell me about it”, the second man replies, “This is worse than last year”
Wife is running in the park
Three men attend a job interview
The $50 Cruise.
A man sees an ad for a $50 cruise on Craigslist.
Despite his better judgement, he grabs some cash and makes his way to the address given in the ad.
He opens the door to a small office and is knocked unconscious from behind.
He wakes up tied to a barrel floating in the Atlantic Ocean.
“Well, this taste it”, he thinks out loud.
A second man floats by, also tied to a barrel.
“Tell me about it”, the second man replies, “This is worse than last year”
Wife is running in the park
Three men attend a job interview
26.
There are three friends.
Shut the hell up, Your manners, and Bear Shit.
One day they’re in the woods and bear shit gets lost and your manners looks for him.
Shut the hell up goes to the police station “my friend is missing can you help me?”
The officer says “what’s your name?” “Shut the hell up” “what?” Shut the hell up” “say that again?
” Shut the hell up!” “Son where’s your manners?”
“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you! He’s out in the woods looking for bear shit
A soldier girl wrote to break off their engagement
One day a man goes to the beach
There are three friends.
Shut the hell up, Your manners, and Bear Shit.
One day they’re in the woods and bear shit gets lost and your manners looks for him.
Shut the hell up goes to the police station “my friend is missing can you help me?”
The officer says “what’s your name?” “Shut the hell up” “what?” Shut the hell up” “say that again?
” Shut the hell up!” “Son where’s your manners?”
“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you! He’s out in the woods looking for bear shit
A soldier girl wrote to break off their engagement
One day a man goes to the beach
27.
One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.
The two were at the same table, across from one another.
As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, “Will you marry me?”
After about six seconds of ‘careful consideration’, she answered “Yes, I will.”
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled.
“Did she say ‘yes’ or did she say ‘no’?”
He couldn’t remember try as he might, he just could not recall not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained that he didn’t remember as well as he used to then he reviewed the lovely evening past.
As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, “When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘Yes’ or did you say ‘No’?”
He was delighted to hear her say, “Why, I said, ‘Yes, yes I will’ and I meant it with all my heart.”
Then she continued, “I am so glad that you called, because I couldn’t remember who had asked me!”
A woman was cutting her husband’s thinning hair
After a long sermon
One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.
The two were at the same table, across from one another.
As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, “Will you marry me?”
After about six seconds of ‘careful consideration’, she answered “Yes, I will.”
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled.
“Did she say ‘yes’ or did she say ‘no’?”
He couldn’t remember try as he might, he just could not recall not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained that he didn’t remember as well as he used to then he reviewed the lovely evening past.
As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, “When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘Yes’ or did you say ‘No’?”
He was delighted to hear her say, “Why, I said, ‘Yes, yes I will’ and I meant it with all my heart.”
Then she continued, “I am so glad that you called, because I couldn’t remember who had asked me!”
A woman was cutting her husband’s thinning hair
After a long sermon
28.
There once was an elderly man who sold flowers in a small town and did quite well for himself.
Across the street some monks opened a flower shop as well and gave all their profits to charity and under priced the man.
The man had to do something or lose his business so at first he begged.
But nothing he tried got them to leave.
He then hired a man named Hugh who promised to solve his problem.
The next morning the monks were packing up and moving away.
Moral of the story is: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
The junior executive had been complaining
Two men were waiting at a bus stop
There once was an elderly man who sold flowers in a small town and did quite well for himself.
Across the street some monks opened a flower shop as well and gave all their profits to charity and under priced the man.
The man had to do something or lose his business so at first he begged.
But nothing he tried got them to leave.
He then hired a man named Hugh who promised to solve his problem.
The next morning the monks were packing up and moving away.
Moral of the story is: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
The junior executive had been complaining
Two men were waiting at a bus stop
29.
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?”
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something.”
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde.
I’m a 6′ tall, 200 lb black belt.
The guy sitting next to me is 6’2″, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player.
The fella to your right is 6’5″ pushing 300 and he’s a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”
The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
He dialed the employees home phone number
A old Doberman starts chasing rabbits
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?”
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something.”
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde.
I’m a 6′ tall, 200 lb black belt.
The guy sitting next to me is 6’2″, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player.
The fella to your right is 6’5″ pushing 300 and he’s a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”
The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
He dialed the employees home phone number
A old Doberman starts chasing rabbits
30.
Grandchildren asked their grandfather:
Grandpa, did you have any childhood dreams? And have they come true?
Yes, I had two childhood dreams but only one came true.
My first dream was to become an astronaut which I have not become. When my mother was brushing my hair I was also dreaming not to have any hair at all.
This dream came true, as you can see!
A man joins the navy
The little girl is asking her mother
Grandchildren asked their grandfather:
Grandpa, did you have any childhood dreams? And have they come true?
Yes, I had two childhood dreams but only one came true.
My first dream was to become an astronaut which I have not become. When my mother was brushing my hair I was also dreaming not to have any hair at all.
This dream came true, as you can see!
A man joins the navy
The little girl is asking her mother
Tags:
eng jokes