1.
A little old lady answered a knock on her door one day to find a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
“Good morning,” said the young man.
“If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I’d like to demonstrate the latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”
The old lady responded,
“Go away! I don’t have any money,” and began to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
“Don’t be too hasty! Let me show you what this vacuum can do.”
He then dumped a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
“If this vacuum cleaner doesn’t remove every trace of this mess, I’ll eat the rest of it myself.”
The old lady stepped back, smiled, and said,
“Well, I hope you’ve got a big appetite because they cut off my electricity this morning!”
Two pigeons are sitting on a roof
Two teenagers meet after school
A little old lady answered a knock on her door one day to find a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
“Good morning,” said the young man.
“If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I’d like to demonstrate the latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”
The old lady responded,
“Go away! I don’t have any money,” and began to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
“Don’t be too hasty! Let me show you what this vacuum can do.”
He then dumped a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
“If this vacuum cleaner doesn’t remove every trace of this mess, I’ll eat the rest of it myself.”
The old lady stepped back, smiled, and said,
“Well, I hope you’ve got a big appetite because they cut off my electricity this morning!”
Two pigeons are sitting on a roof
Two teenagers meet after school
2.
A man and his wife went to bed one night and the man was getting very frisky and asked his wife if she was in the mood.
His wife answered, “Not tonight dear I have a headache.”
The man replied, “Is that your final answer”? She said, “Yes.”
He said. “OK, then, I’d like to phone a friend.”
A woman is in bed with her lover
A husband and wife decided
A man and his wife went to bed one night and the man was getting very frisky and asked his wife if she was in the mood.
His wife answered, “Not tonight dear I have a headache.”
The man replied, “Is that your final answer”? She said, “Yes.”
He said. “OK, then, I’d like to phone a friend.”
A woman is in bed with her lover
A husband and wife decided
3.
A 97-year-old man comes to his doctor looking depressed.
He says “Doc, I think I’m impotent.”
The doctor sits him down and begins the standard speech he gives to senior citizens about how as the body ages, bodily functions slow down, and it is completely normal to suffer some decrease in physical desire.
How the man shouldn’t worry or become upset about it, but should just relax and things will probably be completely fine and blah blah blah.
Finally the doctor asks
“When did you first begin to think you were impotent?”
“Three times last night, and again this morning.”
A little girl and her mother at church
A boy who was a witness
A 97-year-old man comes to his doctor looking depressed.
He says “Doc, I think I’m impotent.”
The doctor sits him down and begins the standard speech he gives to senior citizens about how as the body ages, bodily functions slow down, and it is completely normal to suffer some decrease in physical desire.
How the man shouldn’t worry or become upset about it, but should just relax and things will probably be completely fine and blah blah blah.
Finally the doctor asks
“When did you first begin to think you were impotent?”
“Three times last night, and again this morning.”
A little girl and her mother at church
A boy who was a witness
4.
A man walked into a local pharmacy while laughing hysterically.
He asked for two rubber pack and still laughing, paid the pharmacist and walked out.
The pharmacist was intrigued and curious about this odd behavior. But didn’t give it too much thought. However, the next day it happened again.
The same man walked in laughing hysterically.
He ordered two rubber pack paid the pharmacists and walked out laughing.
The pharmacist remembered the day before and started to wonder what was up but not for too long because he had work to do.
But again, the next day the same guy walked in laughing hysterically.
He ordered two rubber pack paid the pharmacists and walked out laughing.
Now the pharmacist was perplexed and eager to know that was going on with this guy. So he ordered his assistant to follow the guy and find out where he was going, should he return.
Wouldn’t you know it. The same guy came back again the following day laughing hysterically. He ordered two rubber pack paid the pharmacist and walked out laughing.
The assistant followed him as per his orders and came back 20 minutes later.
“Well,” asked the pharmacist, “where did he go?”
“STRAIGHT TO YOUR HOUSE.”
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together
A woman went to a pet shop
A man walked into a local pharmacy while laughing hysterically.
He asked for two rubber pack and still laughing, paid the pharmacist and walked out.
The pharmacist was intrigued and curious about this odd behavior. But didn’t give it too much thought. However, the next day it happened again.
The same man walked in laughing hysterically.
He ordered two rubber pack paid the pharmacists and walked out laughing.
The pharmacist remembered the day before and started to wonder what was up but not for too long because he had work to do.
But again, the next day the same guy walked in laughing hysterically.
He ordered two rubber pack paid the pharmacists and walked out laughing.
Now the pharmacist was perplexed and eager to know that was going on with this guy. So he ordered his assistant to follow the guy and find out where he was going, should he return.
Wouldn’t you know it. The same guy came back again the following day laughing hysterically. He ordered two rubber pack paid the pharmacist and walked out laughing.
The assistant followed him as per his orders and came back 20 minutes later.
“Well,” asked the pharmacist, “where did he go?”
“STRAIGHT TO YOUR HOUSE.”
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together
A woman went to a pet shop
5.
Little Johnny and Billy are walking to the church for the Sunday prayer.
Billy wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying:
Little Johnny. “Why don’t you ask the Priest?”
So, Billy goes up to the Priest and asks.
“Father, may I smoke while I pray?”
The Priest replies.
“No, my son, you may not! That’s utter disrespect to our religion.”
Billy goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.
Little Johnny says.
“I’m not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try.”
And so Little Johnny goes up to the Priest and asks.
“Father, may I pray while I smoke?”
To which the Priest eagerly replies.
“By all means, my son. By all means. You can always pray whenever you want to.”
Michael was thinking about how good his wife
A employee sits in his office
Little Johnny and Billy are walking to the church for the Sunday prayer.
Billy wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying:
Little Johnny. “Why don’t you ask the Priest?”
So, Billy goes up to the Priest and asks.
“Father, may I smoke while I pray?”
The Priest replies.
“No, my son, you may not! That’s utter disrespect to our religion.”
Billy goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.
Little Johnny says.
“I’m not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try.”
And so Little Johnny goes up to the Priest and asks.
“Father, may I pray while I smoke?”
To which the Priest eagerly replies.
“By all means, my son. By all means. You can always pray whenever you want to.”
Michael was thinking about how good his wife
A employee sits in his office
6.
Mick says to Paddy, “I can’t be bothered to walk all that way.”
“I know,” says Paddy, “But we’ve no money for a cab and we’ve missed the last bus home.”
“We could steal a bus from the depot,” Mick suggests.
They arrive at the bus depot and Mick tells Paddy to go in and get a bus while he keeps a look-out.
After shuffling around for ages, Mick shouts, “Paddy, what are you doing? Have you not found one yet?”
Paddy shouts back, “I can’t find a No 91…”
“Oh Jesus Christ, ye thick sod, take the No 14 and we’ll walk from the roundabout”.
A old man was having his annual checkup
Wife Comes Home Drunk
Mick says to Paddy, “I can’t be bothered to walk all that way.”
“I know,” says Paddy, “But we’ve no money for a cab and we’ve missed the last bus home.”
“We could steal a bus from the depot,” Mick suggests.
They arrive at the bus depot and Mick tells Paddy to go in and get a bus while he keeps a look-out.
After shuffling around for ages, Mick shouts, “Paddy, what are you doing? Have you not found one yet?”
Paddy shouts back, “I can’t find a No 91…”
“Oh Jesus Christ, ye thick sod, take the No 14 and we’ll walk from the roundabout”.
A old man was having his annual checkup
Wife Comes Home Drunk
7.
A little old lady went into the headquarters of the Bank of America one day, carrying a large bag of money.
She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, “It’s a lot of money!”
The receptionist objected, stating, “You can’t just walk in here and expect to see the president of the Bank of America he’s a very busy man.”
“But I am here to make a very large cash deposit,” added the old woman.
The receptionist momentarily looked at the sack of money, then walked back to one of the rear offices.
She came back and said, “You’re in luck this morning, he will see you,” and ushered her in to see the president of the Bank of America.
When she walked in to a large office with a nicely tailored man behind a great oaken desk.
The bank president stood up and asked, “How can I help you?”
She replied, “I would like to open a savings account,” and placed the bag of money on his desk.
“How much would you like to deposit?” he asked curiously.
One nun was called Sister Mathematical
The burnt light
A little old lady went into the headquarters of the Bank of America one day, carrying a large bag of money.
She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, “It’s a lot of money!”
The receptionist objected, stating, “You can’t just walk in here and expect to see the president of the Bank of America he’s a very busy man.”
“But I am here to make a very large cash deposit,” added the old woman.
The receptionist momentarily looked at the sack of money, then walked back to one of the rear offices.
She came back and said, “You’re in luck this morning, he will see you,” and ushered her in to see the president of the Bank of America.
When she walked in to a large office with a nicely tailored man behind a great oaken desk.
The bank president stood up and asked, “How can I help you?”
She replied, “I would like to open a savings account,” and placed the bag of money on his desk.
“How much would you like to deposit?” he asked curiously.
One nun was called Sister Mathematical
The burnt light
8.
Jack goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, I’m having trouble getting my weapon hand job. Can you help me?”
After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, “Well, the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your weapon are damaged.
There’s really nothing I can do for you unless you are willing to try an experimental treatment.”
Jack asks sadly, “What is this treatment?”
“Well,” the doctor explains, “what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your weapon.”
Jack thinks about it silently then says, “Well the thought of going through life without ever having lovemaking again is too much, let’s go for it.”
A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment.
He planned a romantic evening and took his date to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.
In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being uncomfortable.
To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly.
His weapon immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his pants.
His date was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, “That was incredible! Can you do that again?”
Jack replied, “Well, I guess so, but I don’t think I can fit another roll in my bum.”
A elderly man goes into a night house
A man and woman were discussing
Jack goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, I’m having trouble getting my weapon hand job. Can you help me?”
After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, “Well, the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your weapon are damaged.
There’s really nothing I can do for you unless you are willing to try an experimental treatment.”
Jack asks sadly, “What is this treatment?”
“Well,” the doctor explains, “what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your weapon.”
Jack thinks about it silently then says, “Well the thought of going through life without ever having lovemaking again is too much, let’s go for it.”
A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment.
He planned a romantic evening and took his date to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.
In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being uncomfortable.
To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly.
His weapon immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his pants.
His date was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, “That was incredible! Can you do that again?”
Jack replied, “Well, I guess so, but I don’t think I can fit another roll in my bum.”
A elderly man goes into a night house
A man and woman were discussing
9.
A couple invites their family over for Thanksgiving to spend the holiday together.
The family gathers, but the couple’s children are late and the mother-in-law complains aloud:
“Ugh, your children, always late.”
Eventually, everyone comes and sits down to eat, the mother-in-law insists on sitting at the head of the table and no one has the strength to argue with her.
After a few minutes, the hungry mother-in-law begins to complain:
“Ugh, what’s with the food here, why is it always late?”
A few minutes later, the couple brings out the meal they have prepared for their family, mostly cooked by the wife.
Everyone eats and the evening continues.
While they are in the middle of their main course, the mother-in-law says:
“Ugh, I better start clearing the dishes so we can at least move on to the last dish on time.”
A mere second after she gets up, the large wall clock hanging over the head of the table falls down, reducing her chair to pieces and almost hitting her.
Everyone is in shock until the bride mumbles to herself: “Ugh, this clock… always late.”
A new young blonde bride calls her mother
A 45 year old woman arrives home
A couple invites their family over for Thanksgiving to spend the holiday together.
The family gathers, but the couple’s children are late and the mother-in-law complains aloud:
“Ugh, your children, always late.”
Eventually, everyone comes and sits down to eat, the mother-in-law insists on sitting at the head of the table and no one has the strength to argue with her.
After a few minutes, the hungry mother-in-law begins to complain:
“Ugh, what’s with the food here, why is it always late?”
A few minutes later, the couple brings out the meal they have prepared for their family, mostly cooked by the wife.
Everyone eats and the evening continues.
While they are in the middle of their main course, the mother-in-law says:
“Ugh, I better start clearing the dishes so we can at least move on to the last dish on time.”
A mere second after she gets up, the large wall clock hanging over the head of the table falls down, reducing her chair to pieces and almost hitting her.
Everyone is in shock until the bride mumbles to herself: “Ugh, this clock… always late.”
A new young blonde bride calls her mother
A 45 year old woman arrives home
10.
A man was driving and saw a truck stalled on the side of the highway that had ten penguins standing next to it.
The man pulled over and asked the truck driver if he needed any help.
The truck driver replied, “If you can take these penguins to the zoo while I wait for AAA that will be great!”
The man agreed and the penguins hopped into the back of his car. Two hours later, the trucker was back on the road again and decided to check on the penguins.
He showed up at the zoo and they weren’t there! He headed back into his truck and started driving around the town, looking for any sign of the penguins, the man, or his car.
While driving past a movie theater, the truck driver spotted the guy walking out with the ten penguins.
The truck driver yelled, “What are you doing? You were supposed to take them to the zoo!”
The man replied, “I did and then I had some extra money so I took them to go see a movie.”
He breaks into a house to look for money
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag
A man was driving and saw a truck stalled on the side of the highway that had ten penguins standing next to it.
The man pulled over and asked the truck driver if he needed any help.
The truck driver replied, “If you can take these penguins to the zoo while I wait for AAA that will be great!”
The man agreed and the penguins hopped into the back of his car. Two hours later, the trucker was back on the road again and decided to check on the penguins.
He showed up at the zoo and they weren’t there! He headed back into his truck and started driving around the town, looking for any sign of the penguins, the man, or his car.
While driving past a movie theater, the truck driver spotted the guy walking out with the ten penguins.
The truck driver yelled, “What are you doing? You were supposed to take them to the zoo!”
The man replied, “I did and then I had some extra money so I took them to go see a movie.”
He breaks into a house to look for money
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag
11.
Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory.
They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house.
Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colors.
One day, they heard, “Yellow, blue, black.”
One of the nuns noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their underwear.
She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.
The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, “Black, black, black.”
Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished.
One of the nuns spoke up, “Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird.”
After saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should be wearing any underwear under their vestments.
Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no underwear, and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot’s house.
They peeked at the bird.
At the beginning, the parrot looked a bit puzzled. He swung back and forth on the cane he was perched on.
Then, after a while, the Parrot spoke, “Straight, Straight, Curly!”
A family is sitting around the supper table
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says
Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory.
They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house.
Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colors.
One day, they heard, “Yellow, blue, black.”
One of the nuns noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their underwear.
She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.
The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, “Black, black, black.”
Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished.
One of the nuns spoke up, “Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird.”
After saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should be wearing any underwear under their vestments.
Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no underwear, and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot’s house.
They peeked at the bird.
At the beginning, the parrot looked a bit puzzled. He swung back and forth on the cane he was perched on.
Then, after a while, the Parrot spoke, “Straight, Straight, Curly!”
A family is sitting around the supper table
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says
12.
Three elderly gentlemen were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them in fifty years’ time.
The first said, “I would like my grandchildren to say ‘He was great fun to be with.'”
“Fifty years from now,” said the second, “I want mine to say ‘He was a loyal and loving family man.'”
Turning to the third man, they asked him, “So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?”
“I want them to say,” the third man replied, “He looks really good for his age!”
Three drunks get into a taxi
Two hunters Paul and Kurt
Three elderly gentlemen were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them in fifty years’ time.
The first said, “I would like my grandchildren to say ‘He was great fun to be with.'”
“Fifty years from now,” said the second, “I want mine to say ‘He was a loyal and loving family man.'”
Turning to the third man, they asked him, “So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?”
“I want them to say,” the third man replied, “He looks really good for his age!”
Three drunks get into a taxi
Two hunters Paul and Kurt
13.
A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her:
After following along for a while, turns to her and asks.
“Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?”
“NO!” Says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks.
“Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back.”
“NO!” Says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.
The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says.
“Okay kid, my last offer! I’ll give you 20 Bucks and a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride.”
Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out.
“Look, Dad, you’re the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley – YOU RIDE IT.”
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer
Two ladies are walking their dogs
A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her:
After following along for a while, turns to her and asks.
“Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?”
“NO!” Says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks.
“Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back.”
“NO!” Says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.
The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says.
“Okay kid, my last offer! I’ll give you 20 Bucks and a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride.”
Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out.
“Look, Dad, you’re the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley – YOU RIDE IT.”
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer
Two ladies are walking their dogs
14.
A guy’s partner called him late at night worried that he wasn’t home yet
Partner: Where have you been? It’s near 3 am. And you sound very tense. What’s happened?
Guy: Oh God! I’m in the car.
But somebody has stolen the steering wheel! I don’t know what to do.
On top of that it’s raining like crazy and the car is getting flooded.
Partner: Are you drunk again?
Guy: Just a few beers. But that has nothing to do with this. Can you call someone?
Partner: Ok, listen to me. Just shut up and close your eyes. First, breathe.
Guy: Ok.
Partner: Now, get out of the passenger seat and go sit in the driver’s seat.
Guy: Woah!
Partner: Also, don’t drive, I’m coming to get you. (Drunk driving is bad, folks!)
Guy: Ok…
Partner: Finally, stop peeing. It’s not rained in three months.
Two guys walking in front of a large church
After returning from his honeymoon
A guy’s partner called him late at night worried that he wasn’t home yet
Partner: Where have you been? It’s near 3 am. And you sound very tense. What’s happened?
Guy: Oh God! I’m in the car.
But somebody has stolen the steering wheel! I don’t know what to do.
On top of that it’s raining like crazy and the car is getting flooded.
Partner: Are you drunk again?
Guy: Just a few beers. But that has nothing to do with this. Can you call someone?
Partner: Ok, listen to me. Just shut up and close your eyes. First, breathe.
Guy: Ok.
Partner: Now, get out of the passenger seat and go sit in the driver’s seat.
Guy: Woah!
Partner: Also, don’t drive, I’m coming to get you. (Drunk driving is bad, folks!)
Guy: Ok…
Partner: Finally, stop peeing. It’s not rained in three months.
Two guys walking in front of a large church
After returning from his honeymoon
15.
Two man are in a bar getting drunk.
Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.
He says, “Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me”.
His friend says, “Don’t worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your fronts pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill”.
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time: “You reek of alcohol and you’ve thrown up all over yourself, you’re disgusting.”
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, “Wait. It’s not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me.
He’d obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn’t hold his liquor.
He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my fronts pocket.”
She looks in his fronts pocket and says, “But this is forty dollars”.
“Ah, yes,” says the man. “He peed in my trousers too”.
A blonde was complaining to her friend
A old man who loves to fish
Two man are in a bar getting drunk.
Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.
He says, “Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me”.
His friend says, “Don’t worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your fronts pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill”.
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time: “You reek of alcohol and you’ve thrown up all over yourself, you’re disgusting.”
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, “Wait. It’s not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me.
He’d obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn’t hold his liquor.
He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my fronts pocket.”
She looks in his fronts pocket and says, “But this is forty dollars”.
“Ah, yes,” says the man. “He peed in my trousers too”.
A blonde was complaining to her friend
A old man who loves to fish
16.
A man goes to take out a loan.
The loan officer comes over immediately.
“How can I help you, sir?” he asks.
“I’m going out of town on business for two weeks and need to borrow $5,000,” the man answers.
The loan officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan.
So, the man holds out his hand and opens his palm, saying: “These are the keys to my car, which is sitting out front. Here are the documents, as well”.
The loan officer peeks out the window and sees a brand new Ferrari parallel parked directly in front of the bank.
“One moment, please.”
The loan officer walks into a back office to consult with the president of the bank.
Everything checks out. So, after sharing a laugh with the president at this man leaving a $750,000 car as security for a $5,000 loan, the loan officer returns and tells the man that they will happily accept the Ferrari.
An employee of the bank then drives the car into the bank’s underground garage and parks it.
Two weeks later, the man returns and pays the $5,000 plus interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer smiles and says: “Sir, we are very happy to have your business. This transaction has worked out very nicely. But to be honest, we are a little bit puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. So what puzzled us is why you’d bother to borrow $5,000?”
The man replies: “Where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for just $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”
A Guy walks into a bar and goes up bartender
Johnny and Susie were playing
A man goes to take out a loan.
The loan officer comes over immediately.
“How can I help you, sir?” he asks.
“I’m going out of town on business for two weeks and need to borrow $5,000,” the man answers.
The loan officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan.
So, the man holds out his hand and opens his palm, saying: “These are the keys to my car, which is sitting out front. Here are the documents, as well”.
The loan officer peeks out the window and sees a brand new Ferrari parallel parked directly in front of the bank.
“One moment, please.”
The loan officer walks into a back office to consult with the president of the bank.
Everything checks out. So, after sharing a laugh with the president at this man leaving a $750,000 car as security for a $5,000 loan, the loan officer returns and tells the man that they will happily accept the Ferrari.
An employee of the bank then drives the car into the bank’s underground garage and parks it.
Two weeks later, the man returns and pays the $5,000 plus interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer smiles and says: “Sir, we are very happy to have your business. This transaction has worked out very nicely. But to be honest, we are a little bit puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. So what puzzled us is why you’d bother to borrow $5,000?”
The man replies: “Where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for just $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”
A Guy walks into a bar and goes up bartender
Johnny and Susie were playing
17.
A little bird was flying south for the winter.
It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
A burglar broke into house
God Will Save Me
A little bird was flying south for the winter.
It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
A burglar broke into house
God Will Save Me
18.
A wealthy boy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge.
He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent.
Hoping to impress her, he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass of wine.
He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said,
“Oh, Sherry by all means. To me, it’s the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I’m lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I’m about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I’m transported into another world. Port, on the other hand, makes me fart.”
A man walks into a bar has a few drinks
A drunk comes stumbling into a bar
A wealthy boy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge.
He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent.
Hoping to impress her, he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass of wine.
He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said,
“Oh, Sherry by all means. To me, it’s the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I’m lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I’m about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I’m transported into another world. Port, on the other hand, makes me fart.”
A man walks into a bar has a few drinks
A drunk comes stumbling into a bar
19.
A lady rubbed a bottle and a genie popped out.
“You have one wish” said the genie.
“Hey” countered the lady “I thought I get three wishes?”
“Not from me” said the genie “I’m not that powerful.”
“OK” responded the lady taking out a map, “I am making a wish for peace between this country.”
“I’m really sorry” said the genie, “but I am not powerful enough for that.”
“That’s fine” said the lady, “instead I would like to find a cool, caring man, who loves children, and cooking.”
The genie sighed and said “alright let me see that map again.”
Rosanne a beautiful young foreigner
Two men met at a bus stop
A lady rubbed a bottle and a genie popped out.
“You have one wish” said the genie.
“Hey” countered the lady “I thought I get three wishes?”
“Not from me” said the genie “I’m not that powerful.”
“OK” responded the lady taking out a map, “I am making a wish for peace between this country.”
“I’m really sorry” said the genie, “but I am not powerful enough for that.”
“That’s fine” said the lady, “instead I would like to find a cool, caring man, who loves children, and cooking.”
The genie sighed and said “alright let me see that map again.”
Rosanne a beautiful young foreigner
Two men met at a bus stop
20.
Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks.
After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks.
The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
A taxi passenger tapped the driver
A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down
Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks.
After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks.
The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
A taxi passenger tapped the driver
A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down
21.
At one point during the game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
“Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?”
The little boy nodded yes.
“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head do you understand all that?”
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, “And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach ‘a dumb bastard’, is it?”
Again the little boy nodded.
“Good,” said the coach.
“Now go over there and explain all that to your mother.”
A 97 year old midwife at the Pearly Gates
As he walked up to old lady’s car
At one point during the game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
“Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?”
The little boy nodded yes.
“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head do you understand all that?”
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, “And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach ‘a dumb bastard’, is it?”
Again the little boy nodded.
“Good,” said the coach.
“Now go over there and explain all that to your mother.”
A 97 year old midwife at the Pearly Gates
As he walked up to old lady’s car
22.
A man went to his lawyer and told him, “My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn’t want to pay up what should I do?”
“Do you have any proof?” asked the lawyer.
“Nope,” replied the man.
“Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owed you,” said the lawyer.
“But it’s only $500,” replied the man.
“Precisely that’s what he will reply and we will have the proof we need to nail him.”
A older gentleman was on operating table
He starts dialing numbers on his hand
A man went to his lawyer and told him, “My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn’t want to pay up what should I do?”
“Do you have any proof?” asked the lawyer.
“Nope,” replied the man.
“Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owed you,” said the lawyer.
“But it’s only $500,” replied the man.
“Precisely that’s what he will reply and we will have the proof we need to nail him.”
A older gentleman was on operating table
He starts dialing numbers on his hand
23.
A boy is selling fish on a corner.
To get his customers’ attention, he is yelling, “Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!”
A pastor hears this and asks, “Why are you calling them ‘dam fish.’”
The boy responds, “Because I caught these fish at the local dam.”
The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish.
The wife responds surprised, “I didn’t know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way.”
He explains to her why they are dam fish.
Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish.
He responds, “That’s the spirit, Dad!
Now pass the bang potatoes!”
One drunk says to the other
Three guys go to a ski lodge
A boy is selling fish on a corner.
To get his customers’ attention, he is yelling, “Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!”
A pastor hears this and asks, “Why are you calling them ‘dam fish.’”
The boy responds, “Because I caught these fish at the local dam.”
The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish.
The wife responds surprised, “I didn’t know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way.”
He explains to her why they are dam fish.
Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish.
He responds, “That’s the spirit, Dad!
Now pass the bang potatoes!”
One drunk says to the other
Three guys go to a ski lodge
24.
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam.
‘Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!’
A smart student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, ‘What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter make love exhaustion?’
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, ‘Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.’
A woman sat down on a park bench
A golfer was having a tough day
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam.
‘Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!’
A smart student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, ‘What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter make love exhaustion?’
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, ‘Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.’
A woman sat down on a park bench
A golfer was having a tough day
25.
Tim, Tom, and Teddy were all lost in the forest, each of them had 25 cents to survive.
They walked around for hours, and had no luck.
So Tim suggested that they split up and meet up at that same spot in an hour,
they all agreed and set out on their separate ways.
While walking Tim came across a tool taste it machine, that cost 25 to use, and he says,
“Wow! Haven’t got my tool taste it in a while! Why not!” So he puts in his quarter, gets his tool taste it and continues on his way.
Then while Tom was walking he comes across it as well, he realized they only had 10 minutes until they were to all meet up again, so he says,
“Well I haven’t got my tool taste it in a while, why not?”
so he puts in his quarter and gets his tool taste it, after gathering himself he realizes he needed to hurry back , he gets there and Tom and Teddy are waiting for him.
“Where were you?” asked Teddy.
“Lost track of time.” Said Tom
“Well does everyone have their quarters?” Asks Teddy.
They all share a look. “Well?” asks Teddy.
“I lost mine!” Said Tim and Tom at the same time.
Teddy then smiles and pulls out 3 quarters.
One day there was this little girl watching TV
Anant went to his friend’s house
Tim, Tom, and Teddy were all lost in the forest, each of them had 25 cents to survive.
They walked around for hours, and had no luck.
So Tim suggested that they split up and meet up at that same spot in an hour,
they all agreed and set out on their separate ways.
While walking Tim came across a tool taste it machine, that cost 25 to use, and he says,
“Wow! Haven’t got my tool taste it in a while! Why not!” So he puts in his quarter, gets his tool taste it and continues on his way.
Then while Tom was walking he comes across it as well, he realized they only had 10 minutes until they were to all meet up again, so he says,
“Well I haven’t got my tool taste it in a while, why not?”
so he puts in his quarter and gets his tool taste it, after gathering himself he realizes he needed to hurry back , he gets there and Tom and Teddy are waiting for him.
“Where were you?” asked Teddy.
“Lost track of time.” Said Tom
“Well does everyone have their quarters?” Asks Teddy.
They all share a look. “Well?” asks Teddy.
“I lost mine!” Said Tim and Tom at the same time.
Teddy then smiles and pulls out 3 quarters.
One day there was this little girl watching TV
Anant went to his friend’s house
26.
A father asks his 10-year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees.
I don’t want to know! the child says, bursting into tears.
Promise me you won’t tell me!
Confused, the father asks what’s wrong.
Oh, dad, the boy sobs. When I was six, I got the There’s no Santa speech.
At seven, I got the There’s no Easter Bunny speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the There’s no tooth fairy speech.
If you’re going to tell me that adults don’t really have make love, I’ll have nothing left to live for.
A man walk into a supermarket
A blonde goes into a nearby store
A father asks his 10-year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees.
I don’t want to know! the child says, bursting into tears.
Promise me you won’t tell me!
Confused, the father asks what’s wrong.
Oh, dad, the boy sobs. When I was six, I got the There’s no Santa speech.
At seven, I got the There’s no Easter Bunny speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the There’s no tooth fairy speech.
If you’re going to tell me that adults don’t really have make love, I’ll have nothing left to live for.
A man walk into a supermarket
A blonde goes into a nearby store
27.
It was an incredibly hot day, and a lion was feeling very hungry.
He came out of his den and searched here and there.
He could find only a small hare.
He caught the hare with some hesitation.
“This hare can’t fill my stomach” thought the lion.
As the lion was about to kill the hare, a deer ran that way.
The lion became greedy.
He thought; “Instead of eating this small hare, let me eat the big deer.”
He let the hare go and went behind the deer.
But the deer had vanished into the forest.
The lion now felt sorry for letting the hare off.
The teacher asked for the first volunteer
The porcupines decided to group
It was an incredibly hot day, and a lion was feeling very hungry.
He came out of his den and searched here and there.
He could find only a small hare.
He caught the hare with some hesitation.
“This hare can’t fill my stomach” thought the lion.
As the lion was about to kill the hare, a deer ran that way.
The lion became greedy.
He thought; “Instead of eating this small hare, let me eat the big deer.”
He let the hare go and went behind the deer.
But the deer had vanished into the forest.
The lion now felt sorry for letting the hare off.
The teacher asked for the first volunteer
The porcupines decided to group
28.
They take a seat, the ladies chat with one another across the table, as do the gents.
Fred asks Harold, “Are you still going to that memory clinic?”
Harold says, “Yes, it’s been helping my memory a lot, I recommend you come along to our next session.”
“What do they do there?”, asks Fred.
“They teach us to remember things through word association”, replies Harold.
Fred says, “I might have to give it a try, what’s the name of the clinic?”
Harold pauses for a while, trying to remember.
He says, “Umm, ahh, hang on… um… what’s the name of that beautiful flower, the one that has thorns?”
Fred says, “That’d be a rose, Harold.”
Harold turns to his wife and says, Rose!, what’s the name of that clinic I go to?
Susan spoke to the insurance agent
A guard dog
They take a seat, the ladies chat with one another across the table, as do the gents.
Fred asks Harold, “Are you still going to that memory clinic?”
Harold says, “Yes, it’s been helping my memory a lot, I recommend you come along to our next session.”
“What do they do there?”, asks Fred.
“They teach us to remember things through word association”, replies Harold.
Fred says, “I might have to give it a try, what’s the name of the clinic?”
Harold pauses for a while, trying to remember.
He says, “Umm, ahh, hang on… um… what’s the name of that beautiful flower, the one that has thorns?”
Fred says, “That’d be a rose, Harold.”
Harold turns to his wife and says, Rose!, what’s the name of that clinic I go to?
Susan spoke to the insurance agent
A guard dog
29.
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
You turn off the lights for economical reasons, not romantic ones.
You read the obituaries to find eligible women.
Old ladies offer to help you cross the street.
Everything hurts and what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work.
The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
A beautiful girl walks by and nothing happens.
You have all the answers but nobody is asking you the questions.
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
All the names in your little black book end with MD.
A man asks in a formal tone
Two elderly ladies were enjoying
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
You turn off the lights for economical reasons, not romantic ones.
You read the obituaries to find eligible women.
Old ladies offer to help you cross the street.
Everything hurts and what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work.
The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
A beautiful girl walks by and nothing happens.
You have all the answers but nobody is asking you the questions.
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
All the names in your little black book end with MD.
A man asks in a formal tone
Two elderly ladies were enjoying
30.
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on gurneys next to each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”
The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”
The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze.”
The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?”
The first kid says, “A circumcision.”
And the second kid says, “Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born… Couldn’t walk for a year.
A man goes into a bar and seats himself
A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on gurneys next to each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”
The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”
The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze.”
The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?”
The first kid says, “A circumcision.”
And the second kid says, “Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born… Couldn’t walk for a year.
A man goes into a bar and seats himself
A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship
Tags:
eng jokes