1.
The car was pulled over by a highway patrolwoman for speeding.
As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car.
“What are those for?” she asked suspiciously.
“I’m a juggler,” the man replied. “I use those in my act.”
“Well, show me,” the officer demanded.
The juggler took out the machetes and started juggling them; first three, then more until he was tossing seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show in the breakdown lane and amazing the officer.
Just then, another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, “My God. I’ve got to give up drinking! Look at the test they’re giving now.”
Two accountants are in a bank
A wealthy old lady decides to photo safari in Africa
The car was pulled over by a highway patrolwoman for speeding.
As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car.
“What are those for?” she asked suspiciously.
“I’m a juggler,” the man replied. “I use those in my act.”
“Well, show me,” the officer demanded.
The juggler took out the machetes and started juggling them; first three, then more until he was tossing seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show in the breakdown lane and amazing the officer.
Just then, another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, “My God. I’ve got to give up drinking! Look at the test they’re giving now.”
Two accountants are in a bank
A wealthy old lady decides to photo safari in Africa
2.
A confused father goes to buy a Barbie Doll for his daughters birthday.
The salesperson answers, ‘Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95.
Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95.
Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95′.
The amazed father asks: ‘It’s what? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?’
Annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:
‘Sir…, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken’s Truck, Ken’s House, Ken’s Fishing Boat, Ken’s Furniture, Ken’s Dog, Ken’s Computer, one of Ken’s Friends, and a key chain made from Ken’s testicles.’
Inspiring Husband
Sally was driving home
A confused father goes to buy a Barbie Doll for his daughters birthday.
The salesperson answers, ‘Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95.
Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95.
Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95′.
The amazed father asks: ‘It’s what? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?’
Annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:
‘Sir…, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken’s Truck, Ken’s House, Ken’s Fishing Boat, Ken’s Furniture, Ken’s Dog, Ken’s Computer, one of Ken’s Friends, and a key chain made from Ken’s testicles.’
Inspiring Husband
Sally was driving home
3.
A policeman goes home after a long and exhausting day at work.
He enters the dark bedroom and strips off his uniform, leaving it on the floor.
Being so tired he did not bother to turn on the light, plus he didn’t want to disturb his wife who was in bed.
Just before he got into bed his wife said,
“Honey we are out of bread, please buy one at the corner shop, as I needed it to make breakfast for the kids.”
“Fine,” said the husband,
“but you should have mentioned it before I took off my uniform.”
He then put on his uniform and went to the corner shop.
He took up the loaf of bread and while paying for it, the cashier says to him.
“New job?”
“Nah” replied the policeman.
“Really?” said the cashier, “so how come you have on fireman uniform?”
A husband went to the police station
Two old ladies Dolly and Ruby
A policeman goes home after a long and exhausting day at work.
He enters the dark bedroom and strips off his uniform, leaving it on the floor.
Being so tired he did not bother to turn on the light, plus he didn’t want to disturb his wife who was in bed.
Just before he got into bed his wife said,
“Honey we are out of bread, please buy one at the corner shop, as I needed it to make breakfast for the kids.”
“Fine,” said the husband,
“but you should have mentioned it before I took off my uniform.”
He then put on his uniform and went to the corner shop.
He took up the loaf of bread and while paying for it, the cashier says to him.
“New job?”
“Nah” replied the policeman.
“Really?” said the cashier, “so how come you have on fireman uniform?”
A husband went to the police station
Two old ladies Dolly and Ruby
4.
An old man notices that his wife is having trouble hearing.
He tries telling her to go for a hearing test, but she won’t hear of it.
He decides to prove to her there’s something wrong with her hearing.
He goes upstairs, takes out a recorder, turns it on and, knowing she is in the kitchen, yells downstairs,
“Honey, what’s for supper?”
No answer. He goes downstairs and yells
“Honey, what’s for supper?” Still no answer.
He enters the living room and yells again, “Honey, what’s for supper?” No answer.
He even stands right outside the kitchen and yells, “What’s for supper?” and still, no answer.
Finally, he stands right behind her and asks, “Honey. What’s. For. Supper?!” and she turns around and says.
“Damnit Al, for the hundredth time, CHICKEN!!!”
The man gets up and goes to door
She saw her daughter with a vibrator
An old man notices that his wife is having trouble hearing.
He tries telling her to go for a hearing test, but she won’t hear of it.
He decides to prove to her there’s something wrong with her hearing.
He goes upstairs, takes out a recorder, turns it on and, knowing she is in the kitchen, yells downstairs,
“Honey, what’s for supper?”
No answer. He goes downstairs and yells
“Honey, what’s for supper?” Still no answer.
He enters the living room and yells again, “Honey, what’s for supper?” No answer.
He even stands right outside the kitchen and yells, “What’s for supper?” and still, no answer.
Finally, he stands right behind her and asks, “Honey. What’s. For. Supper?!” and she turns around and says.
“Damnit Al, for the hundredth time, CHICKEN!!!”
The man gets up and goes to door
She saw her daughter with a vibrator
5.
Patient: I’m in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You’ve had an accident involving a bus.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That’s terrible! What’s the good news?
Doctor: There’s a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender
Patient: I’m in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You’ve had an accident involving a bus.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That’s terrible! What’s the good news?
Doctor: There’s a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender
6.
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand,
he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week
Can you do this?”
“Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays… But I fish on Fridays.”
God Will Save Me
A beautiful redhead
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand,
he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week
Can you do this?”
“Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays… But I fish on Fridays.”
God Will Save Me
A beautiful redhead
7.
A recently divorced man, heartbroken and down on his luck, comes across a magical genie lamp Thinking his luck has finally changed, he rubs the lamp and out pops a genie.
“I am an all and powerful genie you get three wishes, but I must tell you in advance, anything you wish for, your ex-wife gets double.”
So the man thinks for a few moments and asks for his first wish.
“I want a beautiful mansion.”
The genie grants his wish of a brand new, beautiful mansion, and his ex-wife got 2 beautiful mansions.
A few minutes later he asks for his second wish.
“I want 100 millions dollars.”
The genie grants his wish of 100 million dollars and his ex-wife got 200 million dollars.
On his final wish he takes some time to really think of what he wants finally… he asks for his third wish.
“I want you to scare me half to death.”
A old man is eating his lunch
A very wealthy lawyer
A recently divorced man, heartbroken and down on his luck, comes across a magical genie lamp Thinking his luck has finally changed, he rubs the lamp and out pops a genie.
“I am an all and powerful genie you get three wishes, but I must tell you in advance, anything you wish for, your ex-wife gets double.”
So the man thinks for a few moments and asks for his first wish.
“I want a beautiful mansion.”
The genie grants his wish of a brand new, beautiful mansion, and his ex-wife got 2 beautiful mansions.
A few minutes later he asks for his second wish.
“I want 100 millions dollars.”
The genie grants his wish of 100 million dollars and his ex-wife got 200 million dollars.
On his final wish he takes some time to really think of what he wants finally… he asks for his third wish.
“I want you to scare me half to death.”
A old man is eating his lunch
A very wealthy lawyer
8.
One day, the phone rang, and a little boy answered.
“May I speak to your parents?”
“They’re busy.”
“Oh. Is anybody else there?”
“The police.”
“Can I speak to them?”
“They’re busy.”
“Oh. Is anybody else there?”
“The firemen.”
“Can I speak to them?”
“They’re busy.”
“So let me get this straight your parents, the police, and the firemen are there, but they’re all busy? What are they doing?”
“Looking for me.”
Two men were golfing
A bodybuilder takes off his shirt
One day, the phone rang, and a little boy answered.
“May I speak to your parents?”
“They’re busy.”
“Oh. Is anybody else there?”
“The police.”
“Can I speak to them?”
“They’re busy.”
“Oh. Is anybody else there?”
“The firemen.”
“Can I speak to them?”
“They’re busy.”
“So let me get this straight your parents, the police, and the firemen are there, but they’re all busy? What are they doing?”
“Looking for me.”
Two men were golfing
A bodybuilder takes off his shirt
9.
Two guys are sitting at a bar.
“You know why I love this bar?” asks the first one.
“No,” says the second guy.
“Why do you love this bar?”
The first guy points at the window, which is six stories above the ground.
“It has a magic window,” he says.
“You jump out of that window, and you can fly.”
The second guy just shakes his head. “Shut up.”
“No,” says the first guy.
“It really is a magic window. I’ll prove it to you.”
So the first guy gets down from his bar stool, runs at the window, jumps out of it, and flies.
He flies around the building twice, up and down, and finally comes back in.
He walks to his bar stool, and takes a sip of his drink. “See?” he says.
The first guy looks confused.
He looks at his drink. “I must be drunk,” he says.
“Still don’t believe me?” asks the second guy.
“I’ll show you again.”
He gets down from his stool, runs and jumps out of the window again.
This time he performs some impressive aerial acrobatics, spins, flips, dives.
When he finally comes back in, the second guy is staring at him, slack-jawed.
“Wow,” says the second guy. “A magic window.”
He gets off his bar stool, takes a running jump out of the window, and promptly plummets to his death.
The first guy starts laughing.
The bartender comes over to the first guy with a stern look on his face.
“Superman, you’re a real bastard when you’re drunk.”
A woman was very distraught
The ticket girl said
Two guys are sitting at a bar.
“You know why I love this bar?” asks the first one.
“No,” says the second guy.
“Why do you love this bar?”
The first guy points at the window, which is six stories above the ground.
“It has a magic window,” he says.
“You jump out of that window, and you can fly.”
The second guy just shakes his head. “Shut up.”
“No,” says the first guy.
“It really is a magic window. I’ll prove it to you.”
So the first guy gets down from his bar stool, runs at the window, jumps out of it, and flies.
He flies around the building twice, up and down, and finally comes back in.
He walks to his bar stool, and takes a sip of his drink. “See?” he says.
The first guy looks confused.
He looks at his drink. “I must be drunk,” he says.
“Still don’t believe me?” asks the second guy.
“I’ll show you again.”
He gets down from his stool, runs and jumps out of the window again.
This time he performs some impressive aerial acrobatics, spins, flips, dives.
When he finally comes back in, the second guy is staring at him, slack-jawed.
“Wow,” says the second guy. “A magic window.”
He gets off his bar stool, takes a running jump out of the window, and promptly plummets to his death.
The first guy starts laughing.
The bartender comes over to the first guy with a stern look on his face.
“Superman, you’re a real bastard when you’re drunk.”
A woman was very distraught
The ticket girl said
10.
A young lady meet a handsome young man in a pub, after some drinks and a little tipsy the young lady said to the young man, “My mouth is like a loud speaker, my two melons are for tuning, left one is for tuning the channel AM or FM and my right melons is for tuning bass and treble depending which mode you want.”
The young man was aroused by the young lady expression, and said to the lady, “I don’t believe it.”
Young lady said, “You can try it if you want”.
Young man said, “OK come to my hotel room and prove it to me.”
They agreed and both holding hands and headed for the hotel room.
Upon entering the room the young lady undressed herself and soon the young man start feeling the left melons for AM/FM fine-tuning.
After a while nothing happen.
He changed to the right melons and start rubbing with greater pressure.
Again, nothing happened.
The young man soon gave up and ask the lady, “Hello sweetie, after I have tuned your AM/FM and treble/bass melons there are no response.”
The young lady replied, “You forgot to plug in your power.”
The nurse was walking down
He goes to a witch in the woods
A young lady meet a handsome young man in a pub, after some drinks and a little tipsy the young lady said to the young man, “My mouth is like a loud speaker, my two melons are for tuning, left one is for tuning the channel AM or FM and my right melons is for tuning bass and treble depending which mode you want.”
The young man was aroused by the young lady expression, and said to the lady, “I don’t believe it.”
Young lady said, “You can try it if you want”.
Young man said, “OK come to my hotel room and prove it to me.”
They agreed and both holding hands and headed for the hotel room.
Upon entering the room the young lady undressed herself and soon the young man start feeling the left melons for AM/FM fine-tuning.
After a while nothing happen.
He changed to the right melons and start rubbing with greater pressure.
Again, nothing happened.
The young man soon gave up and ask the lady, “Hello sweetie, after I have tuned your AM/FM and treble/bass melons there are no response.”
The young lady replied, “You forgot to plug in your power.”
The nurse was walking down
He goes to a witch in the woods
📚 Recommended Posts
A Young Lady Came Home From Funny JokesUnforgettable Love Quotes For Every
Learn And Grow Best Wisdom Quotes To
Cheer Up Instantly Jokes For Happier Day
Last Minute Exam Motivation Quotes To
11.
“Susie asks, “Mommy, why do you always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”
“Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. You’ll have to ask her.”
“Granny”, asks Susie the next time her grandmother visits.
“Why do you and mommy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”
“Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it.”
“You’ll have to ask her.”
“Great Granny”, asks Susie the next time they visit her slightly senile grandmother in the nursing home.
“Why do you, Granny and Mommy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”
“Oh for frick sake”, yells Great Granny.
“Are they still using that small goddamn frying pan??!!”
A man and his wife arrive from trip
A elderly husband and wife noticed
“Susie asks, “Mommy, why do you always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”
“Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. You’ll have to ask her.”
“Granny”, asks Susie the next time her grandmother visits.
“Why do you and mommy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”
“Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it.”
“You’ll have to ask her.”
“Great Granny”, asks Susie the next time they visit her slightly senile grandmother in the nursing home.
“Why do you, Granny and Mommy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”
“Oh for frick sake”, yells Great Granny.
“Are they still using that small goddamn frying pan??!!”
A man and his wife arrive from trip
A elderly husband and wife noticed
12.
At a wedding ceremony the priest asked if there was anyone who had any reason why the marriage shouldn’t go on, it was time to stand up and speak, or forever hold his or her peace.
The moment of utter silence was interrupted by a young beautiful woman carrying a baby.
She started slowly walking toward the pastor.
Everything quickly turned to chaos.
The bride slapped the groom and stormed out of the church.
The groom’s mother fainted.
The groomsmen and brides maids ran away in all directions.
The priest asked the woman, “Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?”
The woman replied, “I can’t hear anything from the back….so am moving to the front seats.”
The nights are already cold so sharing the tent
A little boy said to a little girl
At a wedding ceremony the priest asked if there was anyone who had any reason why the marriage shouldn’t go on, it was time to stand up and speak, or forever hold his or her peace.
The moment of utter silence was interrupted by a young beautiful woman carrying a baby.
She started slowly walking toward the pastor.
Everything quickly turned to chaos.
The bride slapped the groom and stormed out of the church.
The groom’s mother fainted.
The groomsmen and brides maids ran away in all directions.
The priest asked the woman, “Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?”
The woman replied, “I can’t hear anything from the back….so am moving to the front seats.”
The nights are already cold so sharing the tent
A little boy said to a little girl
13.
A mother takes her daughter to a clinic
She tells the doctor that her daughter has been having terrible nausea in the morning,
lost her appetite, and even missed a period.
The doctor examines her, orders a bloodwork, and tells them to come back later in the evening.
The mom and girl come back. The doctor announces that the girl is pregnant.
The visibly irked mother tells the doctor in a very indignant tone:
“But that is not possible at all.
I have ensured that she doesn’t have any boyfriends, she goes to an all girls Catholic school, and dresses like a nun.
She is absolutely a virgin.
You probably haven’t examined her well! You are wrong!!”
The girl doesn’t speak a word and stays fidgeting while looking at her toes.
The doctor stands up and walks to the window.
As he peeps out, the mother says,
“Well..aren’t you going to say something? Order more tests? Refer us to a different doctor?
What are you looking for through that window anyway?”
The doctor turns.
“Ma’am. The last time this happened a star appeared in the east
A college professor
A couple decide to take their young daughter
A mother takes her daughter to a clinic
She tells the doctor that her daughter has been having terrible nausea in the morning,
lost her appetite, and even missed a period.
The doctor examines her, orders a bloodwork, and tells them to come back later in the evening.
The mom and girl come back. The doctor announces that the girl is pregnant.
The visibly irked mother tells the doctor in a very indignant tone:
“But that is not possible at all.
I have ensured that she doesn’t have any boyfriends, she goes to an all girls Catholic school, and dresses like a nun.
She is absolutely a virgin.
You probably haven’t examined her well! You are wrong!!”
The girl doesn’t speak a word and stays fidgeting while looking at her toes.
The doctor stands up and walks to the window.
As he peeps out, the mother says,
“Well..aren’t you going to say something? Order more tests? Refer us to a different doctor?
What are you looking for through that window anyway?”
The doctor turns.
“Ma’am. The last time this happened a star appeared in the east
A college professor
A couple decide to take their young daughter
14.
Bobby was sitting on the porch talking to his Grandpa when he innocently asked, “Grandpa, do you know how to make animal sounds?”
“I sure do” Grandpa replied.
“What sort of animal sound would you like to hear?”
“How about a toad? Do you know how to sound like a toad?”
“Sure”, said Grandpa, cupping his hand to his mouth, “croaaak croaaak, how did you like that?!”
“Yipee!” screamed Bobby jumping up and down, “We are going to Miami!”
“Huh?” Questioned Grandpa.
“Why’s that?” “Because Grandma said so,” Bobby patiently explained, “she said that after you croak we’ll all go to Miami!”
Bob asks his mom
A man and his wife were going
Bobby was sitting on the porch talking to his Grandpa when he innocently asked, “Grandpa, do you know how to make animal sounds?”
“I sure do” Grandpa replied.
“What sort of animal sound would you like to hear?”
“How about a toad? Do you know how to sound like a toad?”
“Sure”, said Grandpa, cupping his hand to his mouth, “croaaak croaaak, how did you like that?!”
“Yipee!” screamed Bobby jumping up and down, “We are going to Miami!”
“Huh?” Questioned Grandpa.
“Why’s that?” “Because Grandma said so,” Bobby patiently explained, “she said that after you croak we’ll all go to Miami!”
Bob asks his mom
A man and his wife were going
15.
A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana.
As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.
They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch.
At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?
Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?” She leaned over the counter and said, “Burr-gerr Kiting.”
Jimmy got home early from school
A aged farmer and his wife
A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana.
As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.
They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch.
At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?
Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?” She leaned over the counter and said, “Burr-gerr Kiting.”
Jimmy got home early from school
A aged farmer and his wife
16.
Wife sends a text message to her husband on a really cold winter morning:
Windows are totally frozen, will not open.
Husband replies:
“Carefully pour some warm water over it and tap the edges first with your hand, if that doesn’t work, then gently with a hammer.”
15 minutes later, the wife texts back:
“Oh no, I think the laptop is now totally gone.”
A man dreams that he is a chicken
A guy walks up to a caretaker in a dog shelter
Wife sends a text message to her husband on a really cold winter morning:
Windows are totally frozen, will not open.
Husband replies:
“Carefully pour some warm water over it and tap the edges first with your hand, if that doesn’t work, then gently with a hammer.”
15 minutes later, the wife texts back:
“Oh no, I think the laptop is now totally gone.”
A man dreams that he is a chicken
A guy walks up to a caretaker in a dog shelter
17.
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, “Let’s talk I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, “What would you like to discuss?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the stranger.
“How about nuclear power?” “OK,” said Little Johnny.
“That could be an interesting topic but let me ask you a question first.”
“A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass the same stuff.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass why do you suppose that is?”
“Jeez,” said the stranger.
“I have no idea.”
“Well, then,” said Little Johnny, “How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?”
The trooper walks up
Basketball injury
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, “Let’s talk I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, “What would you like to discuss?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the stranger.
“How about nuclear power?” “OK,” said Little Johnny.
“That could be an interesting topic but let me ask you a question first.”
“A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass the same stuff.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass why do you suppose that is?”
“Jeez,” said the stranger.
“I have no idea.”
“Well, then,” said Little Johnny, “How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?”
The trooper walks up
Basketball injury
18.
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.
While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper,
“I’ll have a C monkey please.”
The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey.
He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, that’ll be $5000.”
The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said,
“That was a very expensive monkey. Why did it cost so much?”
The shopkeeper answered,
“Ah, that monkey can program in C very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.”
The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage.
“That one’s even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?”
“Oh, that one’s a C++ monkey; it can manage object – oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff,”
said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own.
The price tag around its neck read $50,000.
He gasped to the shopkeeper,
“That one costs more than all the other put together! What on earth does it do?”
The shopkeeper replied,
“Well, I haven’t actually seen it doing anything, but the other monkeys call him the project manager.”
A very self-important college freshman
Before & After Marriage
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.
While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper,
“I’ll have a C monkey please.”
The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey.
He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, that’ll be $5000.”
The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said,
“That was a very expensive monkey. Why did it cost so much?”
The shopkeeper answered,
“Ah, that monkey can program in C very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.”
The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage.
“That one’s even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?”
“Oh, that one’s a C++ monkey; it can manage object – oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff,”
said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own.
The price tag around its neck read $50,000.
He gasped to the shopkeeper,
“That one costs more than all the other put together! What on earth does it do?”
The shopkeeper replied,
“Well, I haven’t actually seen it doing anything, but the other monkeys call him the project manager.”
A very self-important college freshman
Before & After Marriage
19.
A little boy said to a little girl: I’m your BF!
The little girl asked: What is BF?
The boy laughed and answered: That means Best Friend.
They later dated, the young man said to the girl: I am your BF!
The girl leaned lightly on the boy’s shoulder, shyly asked: What is BF?
The boy replied: It’s Boy Friend!
A few years later they got married, had lovely children, and the husband smiled again and told his wife: I am your BF!
The wife gently asked her husband: What is BF?
The husband looked at the lovely and happy children and replied: It’s Baby’s father!
As they get old, they sit together and watch the sunset on the front porch, and the old man tells his wife: Honey! I am your BF!
The old woman smiled with wrinkles on her face: What is BF?
The old man smiled happily and gave a mysterious answer: Be Forever!
When the dying old man also said: I can BF.
The old woman replied with a sad voice: What is BF??
The old man answered and then closed his eyes: It’s Bye Forever!
A few days later, the old woman also passed away.
Before closing her eyes, the old woman whispered by the old man’s grave: Beside Forever.
A wedding ceremony the priest asked
The pastors wife bought a dress
A little boy said to a little girl: I’m your BF!
The little girl asked: What is BF?
The boy laughed and answered: That means Best Friend.
They later dated, the young man said to the girl: I am your BF!
The girl leaned lightly on the boy’s shoulder, shyly asked: What is BF?
The boy replied: It’s Boy Friend!
A few years later they got married, had lovely children, and the husband smiled again and told his wife: I am your BF!
The wife gently asked her husband: What is BF?
The husband looked at the lovely and happy children and replied: It’s Baby’s father!
As they get old, they sit together and watch the sunset on the front porch, and the old man tells his wife: Honey! I am your BF!
The old woman smiled with wrinkles on her face: What is BF?
The old man smiled happily and gave a mysterious answer: Be Forever!
When the dying old man also said: I can BF.
The old woman replied with a sad voice: What is BF??
The old man answered and then closed his eyes: It’s Bye Forever!
A few days later, the old woman also passed away.
Before closing her eyes, the old woman whispered by the old man’s grave: Beside Forever.
A wedding ceremony the priest asked
The pastors wife bought a dress
20.
A couple decide to take their young daughter to zoo one weekend
While standing around the elephant exhibit the little girl notice that the big bull elephant has huge manhood
She whisper to her mother “What is that between his legs?”
Her mother whisper back “Oh that is nothing darling.”
Not satisfied with mothers answer she whisper to her father
“Daddy what does he have between his legs?
Her father whisper back “That his tool darling.
He put that inside the lady elephant to make baby elephants.”
The little girl get confused & whisper “Mum says it’s nothing.”
Father reply “Yes but I spoil that woman.”
A mother takes her daughter to a clinic
A Husband was a bit embarrassed
A couple decide to take their young daughter to zoo one weekend
While standing around the elephant exhibit the little girl notice that the big bull elephant has huge manhood
She whisper to her mother “What is that between his legs?”
Her mother whisper back “Oh that is nothing darling.”
Not satisfied with mothers answer she whisper to her father
“Daddy what does he have between his legs?
Her father whisper back “That his tool darling.
He put that inside the lady elephant to make baby elephants.”
The little girl get confused & whisper “Mum says it’s nothing.”
Father reply “Yes but I spoil that woman.”
A mother takes her daughter to a clinic
A Husband was a bit embarrassed
📚 Recommended Posts
A Young Lady Came Home From Funny JokesUnforgettable Love Quotes For Every
Learn And Grow Best Wisdom Quotes To
Cheer Up Instantly Jokes For Happier Day
Last Minute Exam Motivation Quotes To
21.
An older woman gets pulled over for speeding…
Older Woman: Is there a problem, officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license, please?
Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?
Older Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up.
Within minutes five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle, please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk
.Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you, ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too
I just made this one up
An estranged father take his teenage daughter
An older woman gets pulled over for speeding…
Older Woman: Is there a problem, officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license, please?
Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?
Older Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up.
Within minutes five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle, please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk
.Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you, ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too
I just made this one up
An estranged father take his teenage daughter
22.
Two old farmers are talking.
“I’ve got this one bull with no stamina whatsoever.
I can’t get him to mate for nothing,” one farmer lamented.
“I had the same problem with one of mine,” said the other farmer.
“I took him to animal doctor and got him some pills that worked like a charm.
He took one and five minutes later went out and mated with every cow I have.
Then when he was done he hopped the fence, ran to the neighbor’s farm and satisfied every cow that guy owns.”
“That’s amazing,” said the first farmer.
“what are these pills called?”
“I can’t remember what the’re called,” replied the first farmer.
“But they taste kind of like peppermint”.
Young boy gets suspended from school
Good news bad news
Two old farmers are talking.
“I’ve got this one bull with no stamina whatsoever.
I can’t get him to mate for nothing,” one farmer lamented.
“I had the same problem with one of mine,” said the other farmer.
“I took him to animal doctor and got him some pills that worked like a charm.
He took one and five minutes later went out and mated with every cow I have.
Then when he was done he hopped the fence, ran to the neighbor’s farm and satisfied every cow that guy owns.”
“That’s amazing,” said the first farmer.
“what are these pills called?”
“I can’t remember what the’re called,” replied the first farmer.
“But they taste kind of like peppermint”.
Young boy gets suspended from school
Good news bad news
23.
Harry was sick and tired of being constantly badgered by his wife Barbara for spending so much time at the bar.
Hoping it would help matters, Harry invited Barbara along with him.
“So what would you like?”
Harry cordially asked, as she took her seat next to him.
“Oh I don’t know” Barbara replied, “I guess I’ll take the same thing as you.”
“OK” said Harry to the bartender, “we’ll take two Johnny Walker’s on the rocks!”
Barbara barely took a sip of the drink before she started gagging “Oh my gosh! Get me a cup of water! This stuff is horrible! How do you drink this garbage?”
A man wasn’t feeling well
The hospital staff kept telling Jim
Harry was sick and tired of being constantly badgered by his wife Barbara for spending so much time at the bar.
Hoping it would help matters, Harry invited Barbara along with him.
“So what would you like?”
Harry cordially asked, as she took her seat next to him.
“Oh I don’t know” Barbara replied, “I guess I’ll take the same thing as you.”
“OK” said Harry to the bartender, “we’ll take two Johnny Walker’s on the rocks!”
Barbara barely took a sip of the drink before she started gagging “Oh my gosh! Get me a cup of water! This stuff is horrible! How do you drink this garbage?”
A man wasn’t feeling well
The hospital staff kept telling Jim
24.
One day an elephant wandered into a forest in search of friends.
He saw a monkey on a tree.
“Will you be my friend?” asked the elephant.
Replied the monkey, “You are too big you can not swing from trees like me.”
Next, the elephant met a rabbit he asked him to be his friends.
But the rabbit said, “You are too big to play in my burrow!” Then the elephant met a frog.
“Will you be my friend? He asked.
“How can I?” asked the frog.
“You are too big to leap about like me.”
The elephant was upset.
He met a fox next.
“Will you be my friend?” he asked the fox.
The fox said, “Sorry, sir, you are too big.”
The next day, the elephant saw all the animals in the forest running for their lives.
The elephant asked them what the matter was.
The bear replied, “There is a tiger in the forest.
He’s trying to gobble us all up!”
The animals all ran away to hide.
The elephant wondered what he could do to save everyone in the forest.
Meanwhile, the tiger kept eating up whoever he could find.
The elephant walked up to the tiger and said, “Please, Mr Tiger, do not eat up these poor animals.”
“Mind your own business!” growled the tiger.
The elephant has a no choice but to give the tiger a hefty kick.
The frightened tiger ran for his life.
The elephant ambled back into the forest to announce the good news to everyone.
All the animals thanked the elephant.
They said, “You are just the right size to be our friend.”
The homeless man
The teacher decided to observe
One day an elephant wandered into a forest in search of friends.
He saw a monkey on a tree.
“Will you be my friend?” asked the elephant.
Replied the monkey, “You are too big you can not swing from trees like me.”
Next, the elephant met a rabbit he asked him to be his friends.
But the rabbit said, “You are too big to play in my burrow!” Then the elephant met a frog.
“Will you be my friend? He asked.
“How can I?” asked the frog.
“You are too big to leap about like me.”
The elephant was upset.
He met a fox next.
“Will you be my friend?” he asked the fox.
The fox said, “Sorry, sir, you are too big.”
The next day, the elephant saw all the animals in the forest running for their lives.
The elephant asked them what the matter was.
The bear replied, “There is a tiger in the forest.
He’s trying to gobble us all up!”
The animals all ran away to hide.
The elephant wondered what he could do to save everyone in the forest.
Meanwhile, the tiger kept eating up whoever he could find.
The elephant walked up to the tiger and said, “Please, Mr Tiger, do not eat up these poor animals.”
“Mind your own business!” growled the tiger.
The elephant has a no choice but to give the tiger a hefty kick.
The frightened tiger ran for his life.
The elephant ambled back into the forest to announce the good news to everyone.
All the animals thanked the elephant.
They said, “You are just the right size to be our friend.”
The homeless man
The teacher decided to observe
25.
Two blonde girls walk into a department store.
They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.
Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it,
“That’s quite nice, don’t you think, Tracy”
“Yeah. What’s it called Sharon?”
“Viens a moi.”
“Viens a moi? What the does that mean?”
At this stage the store clerk offers some help.
“Viens a moi, ladies, is French for ‘come to me.’”
Sharon takes anther sniff and offers her arm to Tracy again saying, “That doesn’t smell like come to me.
Does that smell like come to you?”
Two friends went to interview
A nun was walking in the convent
Two blonde girls walk into a department store.
They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.
Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it,
“That’s quite nice, don’t you think, Tracy”
“Yeah. What’s it called Sharon?”
“Viens a moi.”
“Viens a moi? What the does that mean?”
At this stage the store clerk offers some help.
“Viens a moi, ladies, is French for ‘come to me.’”
Sharon takes anther sniff and offers her arm to Tracy again saying, “That doesn’t smell like come to me.
Does that smell like come to you?”
Two friends went to interview
A nun was walking in the convent
26.
When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
“I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said as he walked up to her,
“but in just a week or two my father will die, and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars.”
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening.
Three days later, she became his stepmother.
A shepherd used to take his herd of sheep
A kindergarten teacher is having her birthday
When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
“I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said as he walked up to her,
“but in just a week or two my father will die, and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars.”
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening.
Three days later, she became his stepmother.
A shepherd used to take his herd of sheep
A kindergarten teacher is having her birthday
27.
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question,
“Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?”
“None,” replied Johnny, “cause the rest would fly away.”
“Well, the answer is four,” said the teacher, “but I like the way you’re thinking.”
Little Johnny says, “I have a question for you If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was taste it her cone, which one is married?
” “Well,” said the teacher nervously, “I guess the one taste it the cone.”
“No,” said Little Johnny, “the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you’re thinking.”
Puppies For Sale
On his first day on the job
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question,
“Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?”
“None,” replied Johnny, “cause the rest would fly away.”
“Well, the answer is four,” said the teacher, “but I like the way you’re thinking.”
Little Johnny says, “I have a question for you If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was taste it her cone, which one is married?
” “Well,” said the teacher nervously, “I guess the one taste it the cone.”
“No,” said Little Johnny, “the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you’re thinking.”
Puppies For Sale
On his first day on the job
28.
A dad was having a conversation with his 8 year old son Little Johnny about what he would like to be when he grew up.
He went over many job ideas, when soon, he came out with,
“I’d like to be a babysitter when I grow up.”
Dad asked him, “Why a babysitter?”
“It’s the only job where you get to play, watch TV, nap and they pay you for it,” he replied.
“That would be great!”
A old man decides to meet his grandson
A couple is dressed and ready
A dad was having a conversation with his 8 year old son Little Johnny about what he would like to be when he grew up.
He went over many job ideas, when soon, he came out with,
“I’d like to be a babysitter when I grow up.”
Dad asked him, “Why a babysitter?”
“It’s the only job where you get to play, watch TV, nap and they pay you for it,” he replied.
“That would be great!”
A old man decides to meet his grandson
A couple is dressed and ready
29.
“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned I have been with a loose girl.”
The priest asks, “Is that you, little Tommy O’Shaughnessy?”
‘Yes, Father, it is.”
“And who was the girl you were with?”
“I can’t tell you, Father I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”
“Well, Tommy, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?”
“I cannot say.”
“Was it Lisa O’Shanter?”
“I’ll never tell.”
“Was it Cathy O’Dell?”
“I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.”
“Was it Fiona Mallory?”
“My lips are sealed.”
“Was it Brenda O’Malley, then?”
“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”
The priest sighs in frustration
“You’re very tight-lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned, and you have to atone. You can no longer be an altar boy until 4 months have passed. Now you go and behave yourself.”
“Yes, Father.”
Tommy walks back to his pew, and his friend Sean slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”
Tommy grins, “Four months vacation and five good leads!”
The Pastor & Poor Family
Two beggars live in a forest
“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned I have been with a loose girl.”
The priest asks, “Is that you, little Tommy O’Shaughnessy?”
‘Yes, Father, it is.”
“And who was the girl you were with?”
“I can’t tell you, Father I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”
“Well, Tommy, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?”
“I cannot say.”
“Was it Lisa O’Shanter?”
“I’ll never tell.”
“Was it Cathy O’Dell?”
“I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.”
“Was it Fiona Mallory?”
“My lips are sealed.”
“Was it Brenda O’Malley, then?”
“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”
The priest sighs in frustration
“You’re very tight-lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned, and you have to atone. You can no longer be an altar boy until 4 months have passed. Now you go and behave yourself.”
“Yes, Father.”
Tommy walks back to his pew, and his friend Sean slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”
Tommy grins, “Four months vacation and five good leads!”
The Pastor & Poor Family
Two beggars live in a forest
30.
A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business.
When the gorgeous woman next to him started to feed her baby.
The baby wouldn’t take it so she said,
“Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I’ll have to give it to this nice man next to us.”
Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding,
So she said, “Come on, honey. Take it or I’ll give it to this nice man here.”
A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, “Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!”
Ma and Pa were two old hillbillies
He walks into a bakery to meet with owner
A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business.
When the gorgeous woman next to him started to feed her baby.
The baby wouldn’t take it so she said,
“Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I’ll have to give it to this nice man next to us.”
Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding,
So she said, “Come on, honey. Take it or I’ll give it to this nice man here.”
A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, “Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!”
Ma and Pa were two old hillbillies
He walks into a bakery to meet with owner
Tags:
eng jokes