1.
An 18 year old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her monthlies for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says ‘who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!’
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later an AMG Mercedes stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Mercedes and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells them:
Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the situation.
I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but I’ll take responsibility for my actions
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.’
Finally, for causing such social embarrassment and distress to you both I would like to offer $1,000,000 in compensation, my private yacht, and Gold Coast penthouse to be at your disposal at any time.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?’
At this point, the father, who had remained silent the entire time, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him…
“You root her again.”
The mother came on her little son
A married couple went to the hospital
An 18 year old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her monthlies for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says ‘who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!’
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later an AMG Mercedes stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Mercedes and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells them:
Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the situation.
I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but I’ll take responsibility for my actions
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.’
Finally, for causing such social embarrassment and distress to you both I would like to offer $1,000,000 in compensation, my private yacht, and Gold Coast penthouse to be at your disposal at any time.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?’
At this point, the father, who had remained silent the entire time, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him…
“You root her again.”
The mother came on her little son
A married couple went to the hospital
2.
It was a bitter divorce, after four years of marriage and two children it was over.
Sam showed up in court together with his ex to see what the verdict would be.
Finally after a long court case the verdict was decided.
OK, said the judge, turning to Sam, I am rewarding your ex-wife Ann $470 dollars a month.
That’s really kind of you, and I really appreciate it said Sam I’ll try to send her a little bit from time to time myself.
Anne went away to college
Mom Dad Sit Down
It was a bitter divorce, after four years of marriage and two children it was over.
Sam showed up in court together with his ex to see what the verdict would be.
Finally after a long court case the verdict was decided.
OK, said the judge, turning to Sam, I am rewarding your ex-wife Ann $470 dollars a month.
That’s really kind of you, and I really appreciate it said Sam I’ll try to send her a little bit from time to time myself.
Anne went away to college
Mom Dad Sit Down
3.
A Father is asked by his friend, “Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?”
“Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector,” he replies.
To this his friend responds “Strange ambition to have for a career.”
“Well, he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!”
A blonde was driving down the road
A man went to the police station
A Father is asked by his friend, “Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?”
“Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector,” he replies.
To this his friend responds “Strange ambition to have for a career.”
“Well, he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!”
A blonde was driving down the road
A man went to the police station
4.
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.
The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”
The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher what can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-old’s how to read?”
So he is teleport-ed into a classroom after a few minutes, all the kids’ screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.
The C.E.O says “I’ll be a waiter all you do is carry food back and forth this’ll be a breeze” so he is teleport-ed to a restaurant.
After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.
The janitor says “I’ll be an artist” so he is transported to an art facility.
He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars.
The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.
The janitor says “I got a masters degree in art.”
Fox & Grapes
The teacher begins her lesson
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.
The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”
The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher what can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-old’s how to read?”
So he is teleport-ed into a classroom after a few minutes, all the kids’ screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.
The C.E.O says “I’ll be a waiter all you do is carry food back and forth this’ll be a breeze” so he is teleport-ed to a restaurant.
After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.
The janitor says “I’ll be an artist” so he is transported to an art facility.
He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars.
The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.
The janitor says “I got a masters degree in art.”
Fox & Grapes
The teacher begins her lesson
5.
A young man and woman got married.
At the time of their marriage, the husband noticed his wife carried a decently sized metal box and shoved it up at the top of their closet.
Curious as he was, the wife told him to never to look in it no matter what the circumstances.
Over the years, he saw that metal box in the closet, but never peered into it for the sake of his wife.
One day, though, the wife had a stroke and was rushed to the hospital.
As the husband sat grieving at home, he thought of the box, snatched it up, and sped to the hospital where his wife remained with her death coming soon.
The husband bolted to her hospital room and pleaded and begged her to allow him to open the box by her side.
“Well” she said, “I suppose now would be the right time.”
The husband unlatched the hook and peered inside.
On one side sat two crocheted dolls, and on the other, to his surprise, sat one million dollars!
“Honey, before we got married, my mother gave me this box and told me that whenever I got mad at you, I should go to the bedroom and crotchet a doll,” said the wife.
The husband was thrilled and thankful.
He absolutely couldn’t believe his wife had only been mad at him two times!
“That is amazing!” said the husband to his wife.
“Honey, I’m grateful beyond belief you’ve only been mad at me twice, but how on this earth did you manage to get one million dollars?”
“Oh, honey” said the wife, “That’s the money I got from selling the dolls.”
A couple is on their honeymoon
A woman was nagging her husband
A young man and woman got married.
At the time of their marriage, the husband noticed his wife carried a decently sized metal box and shoved it up at the top of their closet.
Curious as he was, the wife told him to never to look in it no matter what the circumstances.
Over the years, he saw that metal box in the closet, but never peered into it for the sake of his wife.
One day, though, the wife had a stroke and was rushed to the hospital.
As the husband sat grieving at home, he thought of the box, snatched it up, and sped to the hospital where his wife remained with her death coming soon.
The husband bolted to her hospital room and pleaded and begged her to allow him to open the box by her side.
“Well” she said, “I suppose now would be the right time.”
The husband unlatched the hook and peered inside.
On one side sat two crocheted dolls, and on the other, to his surprise, sat one million dollars!
“Honey, before we got married, my mother gave me this box and told me that whenever I got mad at you, I should go to the bedroom and crotchet a doll,” said the wife.
The husband was thrilled and thankful.
He absolutely couldn’t believe his wife had only been mad at him two times!
“That is amazing!” said the husband to his wife.
“Honey, I’m grateful beyond belief you’ve only been mad at me twice, but how on this earth did you manage to get one million dollars?”
“Oh, honey” said the wife, “That’s the money I got from selling the dolls.”
A couple is on their honeymoon
A woman was nagging her husband
6.
A woman goes into a dirty toy shop to buy a wanker.
She sees one behind the counter and tells the salesman, “I want that one!”
He replies, “It’s not for sale.”
The woman says, “Please I want that one,” again he says it’s not for sale.
The woman says, “I’ll give you a hundred dollars for it.” and the salesman says, “Well, okay.
Five minutes later, his boss walks in and asks, “How’s business today?”
The salesman replied, “It’s pretty slow but I just made a hundred dollars off of my thermos.”
A rich lady gives her butler
Thai woman marries American man
A woman goes into a dirty toy shop to buy a wanker.
She sees one behind the counter and tells the salesman, “I want that one!”
He replies, “It’s not for sale.”
The woman says, “Please I want that one,” again he says it’s not for sale.
The woman says, “I’ll give you a hundred dollars for it.” and the salesman says, “Well, okay.
Five minutes later, his boss walks in and asks, “How’s business today?”
The salesman replied, “It’s pretty slow but I just made a hundred dollars off of my thermos.”
A rich lady gives her butler
Thai woman marries American man
7.
A lay woman was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking space.
Looking up toward heaven, she said, “Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I’ll go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up drinking wine.”
Miraculously, a parking space opened up right in front of her destination.
The woman looked up to heaven and said, “Never mind, Lord; I found one on my own.”
A guy and a girl meet at a bar
A female secretary was helping her boss
A lay woman was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking space.
Looking up toward heaven, she said, “Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I’ll go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up drinking wine.”
Miraculously, a parking space opened up right in front of her destination.
The woman looked up to heaven and said, “Never mind, Lord; I found one on my own.”
A guy and a girl meet at a bar
A female secretary was helping her boss
8.
The devil decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing.
Confused, he asks them why they’re happy.
They tell him, “Well, we’re so sick of the cold where we’re from, and this place is nice and toasty.”
The devil, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell’s boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.
He goes back to the Canadians’ room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down.
He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue.
Furiously, he asks them what they’re doing.
“Well, we can’t pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!”
The devil realizes he’s been doing the wrong thing.
He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it’s at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.
He knows he’s won now, so he goes back to the Canadians’ room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.
He shouts at them in fury, “WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?”
They look at him and shout at the same time, “Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!”
The guard stops him and says
The pastor always said
The devil decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing.
Confused, he asks them why they’re happy.
They tell him, “Well, we’re so sick of the cold where we’re from, and this place is nice and toasty.”
The devil, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell’s boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.
He goes back to the Canadians’ room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down.
He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue.
Furiously, he asks them what they’re doing.
“Well, we can’t pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!”
The devil realizes he’s been doing the wrong thing.
He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it’s at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.
He knows he’s won now, so he goes back to the Canadians’ room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.
He shouts at them in fury, “WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?”
They look at him and shout at the same time, “Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!”
The guard stops him and says
The pastor always said
9.
A boss said to his secretary, “I want to have make love with you, but I will make it very fast.
I’ll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I’ll be done.”
She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend said, “Do it but ask him for $2,000.
Then pick up the money so fast, he won’t even have enough time to undress himself.”
She agrees. After half an hour passes, the boyfriend calls the girlfriend and asks,
“So what happened?”
She responds, “The bastard used coins, so I’m still picking it up and he is still choking me!”
A dentist told a mother
A brunette goes into a doctor’s office
A boss said to his secretary, “I want to have make love with you, but I will make it very fast.
I’ll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I’ll be done.”
She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend said, “Do it but ask him for $2,000.
Then pick up the money so fast, he won’t even have enough time to undress himself.”
She agrees. After half an hour passes, the boyfriend calls the girlfriend and asks,
“So what happened?”
She responds, “The bastard used coins, so I’m still picking it up and he is still choking me!”
A dentist told a mother
A brunette goes into a doctor’s office
10.
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea.
The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks, “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?”
The pirate replies, “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.”
“Wow!” said the seaman. “What about your hook”? “Well”, replied the pirate, “We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off.”
“Incredible!” remarked the seaman.
“How did you get the eye patch”? “A seagull dropping fell into my eye,” replied the pirate.
“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?,” the sailor asked incredulously.
“Well,” said the pirate, “it was my first day with my hook.”
A husband and wife were debating
A man visited the doctor
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea.
The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks, “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?”
The pirate replies, “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.”
“Wow!” said the seaman. “What about your hook”? “Well”, replied the pirate, “We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off.”
“Incredible!” remarked the seaman.
“How did you get the eye patch”? “A seagull dropping fell into my eye,” replied the pirate.
“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?,” the sailor asked incredulously.
“Well,” said the pirate, “it was my first day with my hook.”
A husband and wife were debating
A man visited the doctor
11.
Johnny went to school one day and later that day his dad got a call saying he needs to pick up his son because he had had bang with a teacher.
When Johnny got home his dad was so happy he went out to the store and bought him a bike.
When they bought the bike Johnny was offered to ride the bike but he declined it and replied with my bum still hurts.
Superman and flash were in the living room
A guy goes on to a ship
Johnny went to school one day and later that day his dad got a call saying he needs to pick up his son because he had had bang with a teacher.
When Johnny got home his dad was so happy he went out to the store and bought him a bike.
When they bought the bike Johnny was offered to ride the bike but he declined it and replied with my bum still hurts.
Superman and flash were in the living room
A guy goes on to a ship
12.
A bodybuilder takes off his shirt and starts flexing in front of a blonde woman.
She exclaims “Wow, what a great chest you have!”
He says, “Solid dynamite, babe.”
He then takes off his pants and the blonde says, “Wow, what massive calves you have!”
He flexes his leg muscles and says, “Like I said, pure dynamite, sweetheart.”
Then he removes his underwear and the blonde goes running and screaming in fear.
He gets dressed and goes chasing after the woman.
When he catches up to her, he asks, “Why the hell did you go running off like that?”
She replies, “I was afraid to be around all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was.”
The phone rang and a little boy answered
A guy was in an elevator one day
A bodybuilder takes off his shirt and starts flexing in front of a blonde woman.
She exclaims “Wow, what a great chest you have!”
He says, “Solid dynamite, babe.”
He then takes off his pants and the blonde says, “Wow, what massive calves you have!”
He flexes his leg muscles and says, “Like I said, pure dynamite, sweetheart.”
Then he removes his underwear and the blonde goes running and screaming in fear.
He gets dressed and goes chasing after the woman.
When he catches up to her, he asks, “Why the hell did you go running off like that?”
She replies, “I was afraid to be around all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was.”
The phone rang and a little boy answered
A guy was in an elevator one day
13.
A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat.
The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear.
She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor.
She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.
When they get to the doctor’s, the man lifts his wife’s coat to show their predicament.
The man asks, “Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?”
“Well, yes,” the doctor replies,
“but not framed like that.”
Little Mary was not the best student
A junior manager a senior manager and their boss
A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat.
The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear.
She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor.
She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.
When they get to the doctor’s, the man lifts his wife’s coat to show their predicament.
The man asks, “Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?”
“Well, yes,” the doctor replies,
“but not framed like that.”
Little Mary was not the best student
A junior manager a senior manager and their boss
14.
A man is in court for murder and the judge says, “You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.”
A voice at the back of the court says, “You bastard.”
The judge continues, “You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a hammer.”
Again the voice at the back of the court says, “You bastard.”
The judge says, “We cannot have any more of these outbursts from you, what is the problem?”
The man at the back of the court says, “Fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one!”
A secretary goes to the company stockroom
A man was working on a preacher’s car
A man is in court for murder and the judge says, “You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.”
A voice at the back of the court says, “You bastard.”
The judge continues, “You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a hammer.”
Again the voice at the back of the court says, “You bastard.”
The judge says, “We cannot have any more of these outbursts from you, what is the problem?”
The man at the back of the court says, “Fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one!”
A secretary goes to the company stockroom
A man was working on a preacher’s car
15.
A newlywed couple on their honeymoon prepares to see each other undressed for the first time.
The husband exposes his knotted and twisted feet.
He explains, “I had tolio as a child.”
The wife asks if he means polio.
He says, “No, it only affects the toes.”
He removes his pants and reveals deformed knees.
He admits, “I had kneesles, too.”
Finally, he pulls off his boxers.
In shock, the woman gasps, “Oh no — small cox, too!”
A young couple just married
A old man told a grandson
A newlywed couple on their honeymoon prepares to see each other undressed for the first time.
The husband exposes his knotted and twisted feet.
He explains, “I had tolio as a child.”
The wife asks if he means polio.
He says, “No, it only affects the toes.”
He removes his pants and reveals deformed knees.
He admits, “I had kneesles, too.”
Finally, he pulls off his boxers.
In shock, the woman gasps, “Oh no — small cox, too!”
A young couple just married
A old man told a grandson
16.
During the Ice Age many animals died because of the cold.
Seeing this situation, the porcupines decided to group together, so they wrapped up well and protected one another.
But they hurt one another with their thorns, and so then they decided to stay apart from one another.
They started to freeze to death again.
So they had to make a choice: either they vanished from the face of the earth or they accepted their neighbor’s thorns.
They wisely decided to stay together again.
They learned to live with the small wounds that a very close relationship could cause, because the most important thing was the warmth given by the other and in the end they survived.
A lion was feeling very hungry
A man knocked at his Bedouin
During the Ice Age many animals died because of the cold.
Seeing this situation, the porcupines decided to group together, so they wrapped up well and protected one another.
But they hurt one another with their thorns, and so then they decided to stay apart from one another.
They started to freeze to death again.
So they had to make a choice: either they vanished from the face of the earth or they accepted their neighbor’s thorns.
They wisely decided to stay together again.
They learned to live with the small wounds that a very close relationship could cause, because the most important thing was the warmth given by the other and in the end they survived.
A lion was feeling very hungry
A man knocked at his Bedouin
17.
Frank always looked on the bright side.
He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism.
No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, “It could have been worse.”
To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.
On the golf course one Saturday, one of them said, “Frank, did you hear about Mr. Johnson, the CEO?
He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!”
“That`s awful,” said Frank, “But it could have been worse.”
“How in the hell,” asked his bewildered friend, “could it have been worse?”
“Well,” replied Frank, “If it had happened the night before, I`d be dead now!
A man owned a small ranch
I was walking through the city
Frank always looked on the bright side.
He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism.
No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, “It could have been worse.”
To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.
On the golf course one Saturday, one of them said, “Frank, did you hear about Mr. Johnson, the CEO?
He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!”
“That`s awful,” said Frank, “But it could have been worse.”
“How in the hell,” asked his bewildered friend, “could it have been worse?”
“Well,” replied Frank, “If it had happened the night before, I`d be dead now!
A man owned a small ranch
I was walking through the city
18.
Little James is at a horse auction with his father.
He watches as his father moves from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs, backside.
After a few minutes, little James asks, “Dad, why are you doing that?”
Nodding, his father replies, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I make a decision.”
Little James looks worried.
Finally, he says, “Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.”
A old man applies for a job as a woodcutter
A large cage containing a male rat
Little James is at a horse auction with his father.
He watches as his father moves from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs, backside.
After a few minutes, little James asks, “Dad, why are you doing that?”
Nodding, his father replies, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I make a decision.”
Little James looks worried.
Finally, he says, “Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.”
A old man applies for a job as a woodcutter
A large cage containing a male rat
19.
One day, when Billy came home from school, his mom asked him how his day went.
He said, “We’re learning about make love education.”
She smiled, and said, “At least he’s learning something useful.”
Billy went up to his room.
A little later, Billy’s mom went up to his room to call him down to dinner.
She opens his door and sees him j*rk*ng off.
She says, “Billy, when you’re done with your homework, supper’s on the table.”
A Chinese man had three daughters
A guy walks into a bar and sits down
One day, when Billy came home from school, his mom asked him how his day went.
He said, “We’re learning about make love education.”
She smiled, and said, “At least he’s learning something useful.”
Billy went up to his room.
A little later, Billy’s mom went up to his room to call him down to dinner.
She opens his door and sees him j*rk*ng off.
She says, “Billy, when you’re done with your homework, supper’s on the table.”
A Chinese man had three daughters
A guy walks into a bar and sits down
20.
The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical,
so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.
“Well, to tell you the truth, Doc, yes,” answered the patient.
“You see, I seem to be getting forgetful.
I’m never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I’m going, or what it is I’m going to do once I get there if I get there.
So, I really need your help. What can I do?”
The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, “Pay me in advance.”
He rubs it and a genie emerges
Two boys playing by a stream
The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical,
so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.
“Well, to tell you the truth, Doc, yes,” answered the patient.
“You see, I seem to be getting forgetful.
I’m never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I’m going, or what it is I’m going to do once I get there if I get there.
So, I really need your help. What can I do?”
The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, “Pay me in advance.”
He rubs it and a genie emerges
Two boys playing by a stream
21.
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.
One woman said, “I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does.”
The second woman giggled and confessed, “I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft.”
The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, “Say, what do you call your husband?”
She frowned and said, “The postman.”
“Why the postman?”
“Because he always delivers late, and half the time it’s in the wrong box.”
Two hunters Paul and Kurt
A woman starts dating a doctor
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.
One woman said, “I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does.”
The second woman giggled and confessed, “I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft.”
The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, “Say, what do you call your husband?”
She frowned and said, “The postman.”
“Why the postman?”
“Because he always delivers late, and half the time it’s in the wrong box.”
Two hunters Paul and Kurt
A woman starts dating a doctor
22.
An older couple wakes up in the morning and the husband looks over at his wife and says, “Wow! You wouldn’t believe the dream I had…”
The wife replies, “Yes, go on tell me.”
So the husband says “I had a dream that you left me after 20 years of being married.”
The wife says, “Oh, it sounds more like a nightmare.”
The husband says, “No, I am sure it was a dream.”
She told her mother
A man and his wife were sitting
An older couple wakes up in the morning and the husband looks over at his wife and says, “Wow! You wouldn’t believe the dream I had…”
The wife replies, “Yes, go on tell me.”
So the husband says “I had a dream that you left me after 20 years of being married.”
The wife says, “Oh, it sounds more like a nightmare.”
The husband says, “No, I am sure it was a dream.”
She told her mother
A man and his wife were sitting
23.
An old lady was stopped to pull into a parking space, when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for.
The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, “I was going to park there!”
The man was a real smart alec and he said, “That’s what you can do when you’re young and bright.”
“Well, this really upset the lady, even more, So she got in her car and backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed straight into his Mercedes.”
The young man ran back to his car and asked, “What did you do that for?”
The little old lady smiled and told him, “That’s what you can do when you’re old and rich!”
A man is skydiving enjoying
A waitress comes to take his order
An old lady was stopped to pull into a parking space, when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for.
The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, “I was going to park there!”
The man was a real smart alec and he said, “That’s what you can do when you’re young and bright.”
“Well, this really upset the lady, even more, So she got in her car and backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed straight into his Mercedes.”
The young man ran back to his car and asked, “What did you do that for?”
The little old lady smiled and told him, “That’s what you can do when you’re old and rich!”
A man is skydiving enjoying
A waitress comes to take his order
24.
An old hunter of foxes, considered to be the best in the region, decided finally to retire.
He gathered together his belongings and resolved to set off for the south of the country, where the climate was milder.
However, before he could finish packing up his things, he received a visit from a young man.
‘I would like to learn your techniques,’ said the newcomer.
‘In exchange, I will buy your shop, your hunting license, and I will also pay you for all your secrets.’
The old man agreed, they signed a contract and he taught the young man all the secrets of fox-hunting.
With the money he received, he bought a beautiful house in the south, where the climate was so mild that not once during the whole winter did he have to worry about gathering wood for the fire.
In the spring, though, he felt nostalgic for his own village and decided to go back and see his friends.
When he arrived, he bumped into the young man who, some months before, had paid him a fortune for his secrets.
‘So,’ the old hunter said, ‘how was the hunting season?’
‘I didn’t catch a single fox.’
The old man was surprised and confused.
‘Didn’t you follow my advice?’
With eyes downcast, the young man replied,
‘Well, to be honest, no, I didn’t, I thought your methods were out of date and I ended up discovering for myself a better way of hunting foxes.’
The wise man
She Asks The Boy His Father’s Occupation
An old hunter of foxes, considered to be the best in the region, decided finally to retire.
He gathered together his belongings and resolved to set off for the south of the country, where the climate was milder.
However, before he could finish packing up his things, he received a visit from a young man.
‘I would like to learn your techniques,’ said the newcomer.
‘In exchange, I will buy your shop, your hunting license, and I will also pay you for all your secrets.’
The old man agreed, they signed a contract and he taught the young man all the secrets of fox-hunting.
With the money he received, he bought a beautiful house in the south, where the climate was so mild that not once during the whole winter did he have to worry about gathering wood for the fire.
In the spring, though, he felt nostalgic for his own village and decided to go back and see his friends.
When he arrived, he bumped into the young man who, some months before, had paid him a fortune for his secrets.
‘So,’ the old hunter said, ‘how was the hunting season?’
‘I didn’t catch a single fox.’
The old man was surprised and confused.
‘Didn’t you follow my advice?’
With eyes downcast, the young man replied,
‘Well, to be honest, no, I didn’t, I thought your methods were out of date and I ended up discovering for myself a better way of hunting foxes.’
The wise man
She Asks The Boy His Father’s Occupation
25.
A beautiful young model boarded a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section.
She looked at the seats in economy, and then looked into the forward cabin at the luxurious first-class seats.
Seeing that the first-class seats appeared to be much larger and more comfortable, she moved forward to the last empty seat in first-class.
The flight attendant checked her ticket and told the woman that her seat was in economy.
The blonde replied, “I’m a famous model, and I’ve never had this problem before. I’m going to sit here all the way, until we get to New York.”
Flustered, the flight attendant went to the cockpit and informed the captain of the problem.
The captain went back and told the woman that her assigned seat was in economy.
Again, the blonde replied: “I’m a famous model. I’m sitting here all the way to New York.”
The captain didn’t want to cause a commotion, and so returned to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot.
The co-pilot said that he used to date a model like her, and that he could take care of the problem.
He then went back and briefly whispered something in the blonde’s ear.
She immediately got up and said, “okay, thank you”.
She then hugged the co-pilot, and rushed back to her seat in the economy section.
The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, asked the Co-pilot what he had said to the woman.
He replied, “I just told her that the first-class seats aren’t going to New York.”
A woman went to a pet shop
A blonde goes to a salon for a haircut
A beautiful young model boarded a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section.
She looked at the seats in economy, and then looked into the forward cabin at the luxurious first-class seats.
Seeing that the first-class seats appeared to be much larger and more comfortable, she moved forward to the last empty seat in first-class.
The flight attendant checked her ticket and told the woman that her seat was in economy.
The blonde replied, “I’m a famous model, and I’ve never had this problem before. I’m going to sit here all the way, until we get to New York.”
Flustered, the flight attendant went to the cockpit and informed the captain of the problem.
The captain went back and told the woman that her assigned seat was in economy.
Again, the blonde replied: “I’m a famous model. I’m sitting here all the way to New York.”
The captain didn’t want to cause a commotion, and so returned to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot.
The co-pilot said that he used to date a model like her, and that he could take care of the problem.
He then went back and briefly whispered something in the blonde’s ear.
She immediately got up and said, “okay, thank you”.
She then hugged the co-pilot, and rushed back to her seat in the economy section.
The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, asked the Co-pilot what he had said to the woman.
He replied, “I just told her that the first-class seats aren’t going to New York.”
A woman went to a pet shop
A blonde goes to a salon for a haircut
26.
A kangaroo at the zoo kept getting out of his enclosure every night.
Knowing that mature kangaroos could hop very high, the zoo officials replaced the eight-foot fence with a ten-foot fence.
He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo.
They tore down the ten-foot fence and put up a fifteen-foot fence.
He was out again the next morning.
A twenty-foot fence was put up.
Again he go out.
When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo,
“How high do you think they’ll go?”
The kangaroo said, “About a thousand feet, unless somebody thinks to lock the gate at night
I wanted to pick up a few more tennis balls
A guy is eating breakfast with his wife
A kangaroo at the zoo kept getting out of his enclosure every night.
Knowing that mature kangaroos could hop very high, the zoo officials replaced the eight-foot fence with a ten-foot fence.
He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo.
They tore down the ten-foot fence and put up a fifteen-foot fence.
He was out again the next morning.
A twenty-foot fence was put up.
Again he go out.
When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo,
“How high do you think they’ll go?”
The kangaroo said, “About a thousand feet, unless somebody thinks to lock the gate at night
I wanted to pick up a few more tennis balls
A guy is eating breakfast with his wife
27.
A Zen student said to his teacher, “Master, I have an ungovernable temper help me get rid of it.”
“You have something very strange,” said the teacher.
“Show it to me.”
“Right now I cannot show it to you.”
“Why not?”
“It arises suddenly.”
“Then it cannot be your own true nature,” said the teacher,
“If it were, you would be able to show it to me at any time why are you allowing something that is not yours to trouble your life?”
There after whenever the student felt his temper rising he remembered his teacher’s words and checked his anger in time, he developed a calm and placid temperament.
Three newlywed men were discussing
Three old ladies Gertrude, Maude and Tilly
A Zen student said to his teacher, “Master, I have an ungovernable temper help me get rid of it.”
“You have something very strange,” said the teacher.
“Show it to me.”
“Right now I cannot show it to you.”
“Why not?”
“It arises suddenly.”
“Then it cannot be your own true nature,” said the teacher,
“If it were, you would be able to show it to me at any time why are you allowing something that is not yours to trouble your life?”
There after whenever the student felt his temper rising he remembered his teacher’s words and checked his anger in time, he developed a calm and placid temperament.
Three newlywed men were discussing
Three old ladies Gertrude, Maude and Tilly
28.
A blonde was hard up for money, so she walked around her neighborhood, trying to find a job.
She met a nice man who said he would give her work.
All she had to do was paint his porch white.
He gave her a bucket of paint and left.
He walked into his house, laughing.
He told his wife what he had done.
“Frank, our porch covers half of the house! You’re so mean.” his wife replied.
Three hours later, the blonde went in the house, and gave the bucket of white paint back to the man.
The astonished man handed her a $100 bill, and asked how she finished it so quickly.
“It takes time, but it was easy.” was her reply.
“Oh, and it’s a Ferrari, not a Porsche.”
A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing
Mrs. O’Henry was talking to her husband
A blonde was hard up for money, so she walked around her neighborhood, trying to find a job.
She met a nice man who said he would give her work.
All she had to do was paint his porch white.
He gave her a bucket of paint and left.
He walked into his house, laughing.
He told his wife what he had done.
“Frank, our porch covers half of the house! You’re so mean.” his wife replied.
Three hours later, the blonde went in the house, and gave the bucket of white paint back to the man.
The astonished man handed her a $100 bill, and asked how she finished it so quickly.
“It takes time, but it was easy.” was her reply.
“Oh, and it’s a Ferrari, not a Porsche.”
A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing
Mrs. O’Henry was talking to her husband
29.
A teacher said to her student, “Billy, if both of your parents were born in 1967, how old are they now?”
After a few moments, Billy answered, “It depends.”
“It depends on what?” she asked.
“It depends on whether you ask my father or my mother.”
A man told his doctor
The husband picked up the phone
A teacher said to her student, “Billy, if both of your parents were born in 1967, how old are they now?”
After a few moments, Billy answered, “It depends.”
“It depends on what?” she asked.
“It depends on whether you ask my father or my mother.”
A man told his doctor
The husband picked up the phone
30.
Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”
The man replies, “And how would you do that?”
The woman says, “Just wait and see.”
She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, “What are you doing?”
The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.”
The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy.
I think you need to take the day off.”
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?”
The man says, “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”
The Human Resources Officer asks a engineer
A boy with a monkey on his shoulder
Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”
The man replies, “And how would you do that?”
The woman says, “Just wait and see.”
She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, “What are you doing?”
The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.”
The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy.
I think you need to take the day off.”
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?”
The man says, “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”
The Human Resources Officer asks a engineer
A boy with a monkey on his shoulder
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eng jokes