1.
A Father is asked by his friend, “Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?”
“Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector,” he replies.
To this his friend responds “Strange ambition to have for a career.”
“Well, he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!”
A blonde was driving down the road
A man went to the police station
A Father is asked by his friend, “Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?”
“Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector,” he replies.
To this his friend responds “Strange ambition to have for a career.”
“Well, he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!”
A blonde was driving down the road
A man went to the police station
2.
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering,
The pastor of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1000.?
It happened again the next week.?
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate.?
This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
“Ma’am, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he stated.
“Why yes,” she replied, “every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church.”
The pastor replied, “That’s wonderful, how much does he send you?”
The old lady said, “$10,000 a week.”
The pastor was amazed.
“Your son is very successful. What does he do for a living?”
“He is a veterinarian,” she answered.
“That is an honorable profession,” the pastor said.
“Where does he practice?”
The old lady said proudly,
“In Nevada…. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno.”
A man prepares his donkey and dog
A little girl was talking to her teacher
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering,
The pastor of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1000.?
It happened again the next week.?
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate.?
This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
“Ma’am, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he stated.
“Why yes,” she replied, “every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church.”
The pastor replied, “That’s wonderful, how much does he send you?”
The old lady said, “$10,000 a week.”
The pastor was amazed.
“Your son is very successful. What does he do for a living?”
“He is a veterinarian,” she answered.
“That is an honorable profession,” the pastor said.
“Where does he practice?”
The old lady said proudly,
“In Nevada…. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno.”
A man prepares his donkey and dog
A little girl was talking to her teacher
3.
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said,”When i get to heaven i will ask Jonah.”
The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”
The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”
The pastor found a pink envelope
A guy is reading his paper when his wife
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said,”When i get to heaven i will ask Jonah.”
The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”
The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”
The pastor found a pink envelope
A guy is reading his paper when his wife
4.
The man checked his speed and saw he was going 30mph.
He thought, “Am I crazy, or is this chicken keeping pace with me at 30mph?”
So he sped up 40mph, and to his surprise, the chicken kept running right next to his car.
“This can’t be right.”, the man thought.
“No chicken can run this fast.”
So he sped up to 50mph.
The chicken, amazingly, kept pace with his car the man looked closely at the chicken, and he saw it also had 3 legs.
“A 3 legged chicken, running 50 miles per hour? Am I dreaming? How can this be real?”
So the man sped up to 60mph.
The chicken also sped up and kept pace with his car then, to the man’s astonishment, passed his car and ran a few yards ahead, then suddenly turned hard left down another road without slowing down.
The man hit the brakes, and turned down the road to follow the chicken, but the chicken was out of sight but a little ways down the road, the man saw a farmer out to get his mail.
The man stopped next to the farmer and said, “Hey! Did you just see a 3-legged chicken come tearing down this road at 60 miles per hour?”
The farmer looked at the man and said, “Yup, I saw him he was one of mine.”
“One of yours??”, said the man, incredulous.
“Yup”, said the farmer.
“You see, I raise 3 legged chickens.
I like to eat the drumstick, my wife likes to eat the drumstick, and now our little boy likes to eat the drumstick, so I got tired of us fighting over them and decided to use some selective breeding until I got 3 legged chickens.”
“That’s amazing!”, said the man.
“Well, congratulations on your successful breeding program and how do they taste?”
“Well”, said the farmer.
“I don’t know I’ve never been able to catch one.”
A important race on a new horse
Two nuns were shopping
The man checked his speed and saw he was going 30mph.
He thought, “Am I crazy, or is this chicken keeping pace with me at 30mph?”
So he sped up 40mph, and to his surprise, the chicken kept running right next to his car.
“This can’t be right.”, the man thought.
“No chicken can run this fast.”
So he sped up to 50mph.
The chicken, amazingly, kept pace with his car the man looked closely at the chicken, and he saw it also had 3 legs.
“A 3 legged chicken, running 50 miles per hour? Am I dreaming? How can this be real?”
So the man sped up to 60mph.
The chicken also sped up and kept pace with his car then, to the man’s astonishment, passed his car and ran a few yards ahead, then suddenly turned hard left down another road without slowing down.
The man hit the brakes, and turned down the road to follow the chicken, but the chicken was out of sight but a little ways down the road, the man saw a farmer out to get his mail.
The man stopped next to the farmer and said, “Hey! Did you just see a 3-legged chicken come tearing down this road at 60 miles per hour?”
The farmer looked at the man and said, “Yup, I saw him he was one of mine.”
“One of yours??”, said the man, incredulous.
“Yup”, said the farmer.
“You see, I raise 3 legged chickens.
I like to eat the drumstick, my wife likes to eat the drumstick, and now our little boy likes to eat the drumstick, so I got tired of us fighting over them and decided to use some selective breeding until I got 3 legged chickens.”
“That’s amazing!”, said the man.
“Well, congratulations on your successful breeding program and how do they taste?”
“Well”, said the farmer.
“I don’t know I’ve never been able to catch one.”
A important race on a new horse
Two nuns were shopping
5.
When the expensive printer/ photocopier in an office began print black lines on every page.
The office manager called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the unit probably needed only to be cleaned.
Because the store charged $100 for such cleaning, he said, the manager might try reading the manual and doing the job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, the office manager asked,
“Does your boss know that you discourage business?”
“Actually it’s my boss’s idea,” the employee replied.
“We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”
The best positions for prayer
A direct line to heaven
When the expensive printer/ photocopier in an office began print black lines on every page.
The office manager called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the unit probably needed only to be cleaned.
Because the store charged $100 for such cleaning, he said, the manager might try reading the manual and doing the job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, the office manager asked,
“Does your boss know that you discourage business?”
“Actually it’s my boss’s idea,” the employee replied.
“We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”
The best positions for prayer
A direct line to heaven
6.
The $50 Cruise.
A man sees an ad for a $50 cruise on Craigslist.
Despite his better judgement, he grabs some cash and makes his way to the address given in the ad.
He opens the door to a small office and is knocked unconscious from behind.
He wakes up tied to a barrel floating in the Atlantic Ocean.
“Well, this taste it”, he thinks out loud.
A second man floats by, also tied to a barrel.
“Tell me about it”, the second man replies, “This is worse than last year”
Wife is running in the park
Three men attend a job interview
The $50 Cruise.
A man sees an ad for a $50 cruise on Craigslist.
Despite his better judgement, he grabs some cash and makes his way to the address given in the ad.
He opens the door to a small office and is knocked unconscious from behind.
He wakes up tied to a barrel floating in the Atlantic Ocean.
“Well, this taste it”, he thinks out loud.
A second man floats by, also tied to a barrel.
“Tell me about it”, the second man replies, “This is worse than last year”
Wife is running in the park
Three men attend a job interview
7.
There are two guys walking in front of a large church. One guy says to the other, “Just a minute, I’ll be right back.”
He goes into the confessional and says, “Father forgive me, for I have sinned. I have had two extramarital affairs.”
The Father says, “You need to say 40 Hail Mary’s and I also need to know if the women were members of my parish.”
The confessor replies, “Yes Father, they were.”
The priest says then that in order to receive absolution he, the priest, needed the names of the two women.
The man said, “Father, I don’t kiss and tell, and besides, I must leave them to handle their own confessions.”
The priest responded, “Well, was one of them Mrs. O’Reilly?”
The man replied, “No Father, and I wouldn’t say anyway. I’ve told you that!”
The priest says, “Well, was one of them Mrs. Brown?”
Exasperated the man said, “No Father, and I told you I’m not telling you the names of the women!!!”
The priest said, “Well then I’m going to expel you from the congregation for 6 months!”
The man said, “OK, fine,” and left.
As he approached his friend at the bottom of the steps his friend said, “So, how did it go?”
The confessor said, “Great! 6 months off, and two leads
Three devout nuns were summoned
A guy’s partner called him late
There are two guys walking in front of a large church. One guy says to the other, “Just a minute, I’ll be right back.”
He goes into the confessional and says, “Father forgive me, for I have sinned. I have had two extramarital affairs.”
The Father says, “You need to say 40 Hail Mary’s and I also need to know if the women were members of my parish.”
The confessor replies, “Yes Father, they were.”
The priest says then that in order to receive absolution he, the priest, needed the names of the two women.
The man said, “Father, I don’t kiss and tell, and besides, I must leave them to handle their own confessions.”
The priest responded, “Well, was one of them Mrs. O’Reilly?”
The man replied, “No Father, and I wouldn’t say anyway. I’ve told you that!”
The priest says, “Well, was one of them Mrs. Brown?”
Exasperated the man said, “No Father, and I told you I’m not telling you the names of the women!!!”
The priest said, “Well then I’m going to expel you from the congregation for 6 months!”
The man said, “OK, fine,” and left.
As he approached his friend at the bottom of the steps his friend said, “So, how did it go?”
The confessor said, “Great! 6 months off, and two leads
Three devout nuns were summoned
A guy’s partner called him late
8.
Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school and Fred is all excited:
“Man I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude’s house and guy had toilets made of pure gold!”
“No way!”
“Yes way,” insists Fred, “come with me and check it out for yourself if you don’t believe me.”
Twenty minutes later they’re ringing the doorbell at the place.
A middle-aged lady opens and Fred eagerly asks her,
“Hi! I’m sorry to bother you but there was a party at your house yesterday and my friend doesn’t believe that you have toilet bowls of pure gold!”
The lady looks at him for a moment and then yells into the inside of the house,
“Roger, the pig that shit in your trombone is here!”
A little old lady answered a knock on her door
A Harley biker is riding
Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school and Fred is all excited:
“Man I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude’s house and guy had toilets made of pure gold!”
“No way!”
“Yes way,” insists Fred, “come with me and check it out for yourself if you don’t believe me.”
Twenty minutes later they’re ringing the doorbell at the place.
A middle-aged lady opens and Fred eagerly asks her,
“Hi! I’m sorry to bother you but there was a party at your house yesterday and my friend doesn’t believe that you have toilet bowls of pure gold!”
The lady looks at him for a moment and then yells into the inside of the house,
“Roger, the pig that shit in your trombone is here!”
A little old lady answered a knock on her door
A Harley biker is riding
9.
Elsa, a 97 year old midwife, finally passed away after a long and happy life.
When she arrived at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter was standing there waiting for her.
He said, “Welcome, Elsa do you have a last wish before you enter paradise?”
“I do,” Elsa replied.
“I would like to return to Earth for a few minutes and for once in my life witness a birth where the father is the one who has to endure the pain of having a baby.”
St. Peter thought this was a reasonable request, so Elsa was sent back to Earth for a short while.
She found herself standing in the home of a woman who was just having a baby. While giving birth, the mother seemed to be in no pain whatsoever.
The midwife was curious to see how her husband was doing, but was surprised to see him calmly sitting on a chair by an open window, smoking his pipe.
“How are you feeling? Aren’t you in pain?” the midwife asked him.
“Oh no, I’m feeling great,” the husband replied.
“But I think we have to call for an ambulance our neighbor John is lying out there on the lawn screaming his head off!”
Two old Jewish men Sid and Abe
The coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players
Elsa, a 97 year old midwife, finally passed away after a long and happy life.
When she arrived at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter was standing there waiting for her.
He said, “Welcome, Elsa do you have a last wish before you enter paradise?”
“I do,” Elsa replied.
“I would like to return to Earth for a few minutes and for once in my life witness a birth where the father is the one who has to endure the pain of having a baby.”
St. Peter thought this was a reasonable request, so Elsa was sent back to Earth for a short while.
She found herself standing in the home of a woman who was just having a baby. While giving birth, the mother seemed to be in no pain whatsoever.
The midwife was curious to see how her husband was doing, but was surprised to see him calmly sitting on a chair by an open window, smoking his pipe.
“How are you feeling? Aren’t you in pain?” the midwife asked him.
“Oh no, I’m feeling great,” the husband replied.
“But I think we have to call for an ambulance our neighbor John is lying out there on the lawn screaming his head off!”
Two old Jewish men Sid and Abe
The coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players
10.
It was Sally first time going for jury duty and she was a little bit apprehensive.
I would just like you to know said Sally as soon as she was in front of the judge that I feel very strongly that capital punishment is morally unjust and incorrect.
That’s OK , said the judge “capital punishment is not a possibility in this case so it’s perfectly fine for you to serve on this jury.
What the case about? Asked Sally.
Well Mrs. Smith is filing a suit against her husband for gambling away the money she had saved for remodeling her bathroom, replied the judge.
Alright replied Sally I’ll serve on this one, I may have been wrong about the capital punishment thing after all.
A Sales Associate at Walmart
An old man went to the doctor
It was Sally first time going for jury duty and she was a little bit apprehensive.
I would just like you to know said Sally as soon as she was in front of the judge that I feel very strongly that capital punishment is morally unjust and incorrect.
That’s OK , said the judge “capital punishment is not a possibility in this case so it’s perfectly fine for you to serve on this jury.
What the case about? Asked Sally.
Well Mrs. Smith is filing a suit against her husband for gambling away the money she had saved for remodeling her bathroom, replied the judge.
Alright replied Sally I’ll serve on this one, I may have been wrong about the capital punishment thing after all.
A Sales Associate at Walmart
An old man went to the doctor
11.
There was once a small town called Redditville.
In this town lived a homeless man named ThunderingSacks.
Our homeless hero was well known for taking a dump in public at the same spot every day.
In this spot was a 2×4 piece of wood. It pointed straight up out the ground.
One day while doing his business, ThunderingSacks heard a scream. A young woman was being chased by a man with a knife.
ThunderingSacks pulled up his trousers and ran to her rescue. He was able to scare the attacker off but only after being stabbed.
Dying, ThunderingSacks beckoned the girl over.
He whispered in her ear, “Take care of my poop station.” ThunderingSacks was no more.
After his passing, word got out about his heroic deed.
People from all over town went to the 2×4 that was his restroom and threw money and jewelry at it to pay respect.
Two men stood watching. The first man said, “If only we appreciate him more when he was alive.”
The second man replies,
“Yes, he was a good man.
Nobody would have expected that his shitpost would be riddled with platinum, gold, and silver
A hunter had been out hunting bear
An elderly man and his wife
There was once a small town called Redditville.
In this town lived a homeless man named ThunderingSacks.
Our homeless hero was well known for taking a dump in public at the same spot every day.
In this spot was a 2×4 piece of wood. It pointed straight up out the ground.
One day while doing his business, ThunderingSacks heard a scream. A young woman was being chased by a man with a knife.
ThunderingSacks pulled up his trousers and ran to her rescue. He was able to scare the attacker off but only after being stabbed.
Dying, ThunderingSacks beckoned the girl over.
He whispered in her ear, “Take care of my poop station.” ThunderingSacks was no more.
After his passing, word got out about his heroic deed.
People from all over town went to the 2×4 that was his restroom and threw money and jewelry at it to pay respect.
Two men stood watching. The first man said, “If only we appreciate him more when he was alive.”
The second man replies,
“Yes, he was a good man.
Nobody would have expected that his shitpost would be riddled with platinum, gold, and silver
A hunter had been out hunting bear
An elderly man and his wife
12.
Einstein says, “Let’s play a game I will ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you will pay me only $5; but if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500”.
The man agrees and the game proceeds.
Einstein asks the first question, “What is the distance between the Earth and the Moon?”
The man doesn’t say a word.
He reaches into his pocket, and pulls out $5.
He then asks Einstein, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs, but comes down on 4?”
Einstein thinks about it for a long time, but fails to answer the question.
After almost an hour, he gives the man $500.
An irritated Einstein then asks, “Well, so what goes up a hill on 3 legs and comes down on 4?”
The man reaches into his pocket and gives Einstein $5.
A drunken stranger
A Little Old Lady Dropping Money As She Walks
Einstein says, “Let’s play a game I will ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you will pay me only $5; but if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500”.
The man agrees and the game proceeds.
Einstein asks the first question, “What is the distance between the Earth and the Moon?”
The man doesn’t say a word.
He reaches into his pocket, and pulls out $5.
He then asks Einstein, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs, but comes down on 4?”
Einstein thinks about it for a long time, but fails to answer the question.
After almost an hour, he gives the man $500.
An irritated Einstein then asks, “Well, so what goes up a hill on 3 legs and comes down on 4?”
The man reaches into his pocket and gives Einstein $5.
A drunken stranger
A Little Old Lady Dropping Money As She Walks
13.
“A 24 year old boy seeing out from the train’s window shouted…
Dad smiled and a young couple sitting nearby, looked at the 24 year old’s childish behavior with pity, suddenly he again exclaimed.
‘Dad, look the clouds are running with us!’
The couple couldn’t resist and said to the old man…
‘Why don’t you take your son to a good doctor?’
The old man smiled and said…’I did and we are just coming from the hospital, my son was blind from birth, he just got his eyes today.’
Every single person on the planet has a story, Don’t judge people before you truly know them.
The truth might surprise you.”
The priest got a brilliant idea
Frank was excited about his new rifle
“A 24 year old boy seeing out from the train’s window shouted…
Dad smiled and a young couple sitting nearby, looked at the 24 year old’s childish behavior with pity, suddenly he again exclaimed.
‘Dad, look the clouds are running with us!’
The couple couldn’t resist and said to the old man…
‘Why don’t you take your son to a good doctor?’
The old man smiled and said…’I did and we are just coming from the hospital, my son was blind from birth, he just got his eyes today.’
Every single person on the planet has a story, Don’t judge people before you truly know them.
The truth might surprise you.”
The priest got a brilliant idea
Frank was excited about his new rifle
14.
A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year grandson.
The old man’s hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered.
The family ate together at the table.
But the elderly grandfather’s shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult.
Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor.
When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth.
The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess.
“We must do something about Grandfather,” said the son.
“I’ve had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor”.
So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner.
There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed their dinners together.
Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl.
When the family glanced in Grandfather’s direction, sometimes he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone.
Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food.
The four-year-old watched it all in silence.
One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor.
He asked the child sweetly, “What are you making?”
Just as sweetly, the boy responded, “Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when you get old.”
The four year old smiled and went back to work.
The words so struck the parents that they were speechless.
Then tears started to stream down their cheeks.
Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done that evening the husband took Grandfather’s hand and gently led him back to the family table.
For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family and for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.
Children are remarkably perceptive their eyes ever observe, their ears ever listen, and their minds ever process the messages they absorb.
If they see us patiently provide a happy home atmosphere for family members, they will imitate that attitude for the rest of their lives.
The wise parent realizes that every day that building blocks are being laid for the child’s future.
The Magical Lamp
A Woman Writes In To A Men’s Helpline
A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year grandson.
The old man’s hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered.
The family ate together at the table.
But the elderly grandfather’s shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult.
Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor.
When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth.
The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess.
“We must do something about Grandfather,” said the son.
“I’ve had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor”.
So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner.
There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed their dinners together.
Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl.
When the family glanced in Grandfather’s direction, sometimes he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone.
Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food.
The four-year-old watched it all in silence.
One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor.
He asked the child sweetly, “What are you making?”
Just as sweetly, the boy responded, “Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when you get old.”
The four year old smiled and went back to work.
The words so struck the parents that they were speechless.
Then tears started to stream down their cheeks.
Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done that evening the husband took Grandfather’s hand and gently led him back to the family table.
For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family and for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.
Children are remarkably perceptive their eyes ever observe, their ears ever listen, and their minds ever process the messages they absorb.
If they see us patiently provide a happy home atmosphere for family members, they will imitate that attitude for the rest of their lives.
The wise parent realizes that every day that building blocks are being laid for the child’s future.
The Magical Lamp
A Woman Writes In To A Men’s Helpline
15.
A married couple are out one night at a dance club.
There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large:
break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.
The wife turns to her husband and says, “See that guy?
Twenty years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”
The husband says, “Looks like he’s still celebrating!”
A man and a woman are sleeping
A husband exclaims to his wife
A married couple are out one night at a dance club.
There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large:
break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.
The wife turns to her husband and says, “See that guy?
Twenty years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”
The husband says, “Looks like he’s still celebrating!”
A man and a woman are sleeping
A husband exclaims to his wife
16.
Two guys are driving along in a car when they see two dogs mating in someone’s yard.
The driver says, “That is great. My wife and I do that every night.”
The passenger replies, “My wife is conservative, she likes it the old-fashioned way. But if you tell me how you get your wife to do this, I would like to try it.”
The driver says, “Give your wife two drinks and she will be all set.”
The next morning they’re cruising along and the driver asks, “How was it?”
The passenger answers, “It was great, but it took my wife ten drinks.”
The driver looks at him funny and says, “Ten drinks?”
The passenger says, “Yes. After two she was more than willing to make love that way, but it took her eight more to get her out on the front lawn!”
A woman went to a lawyer to discuss
Ma and Pa were two old hillbillies
Two guys are driving along in a car when they see two dogs mating in someone’s yard.
The driver says, “That is great. My wife and I do that every night.”
The passenger replies, “My wife is conservative, she likes it the old-fashioned way. But if you tell me how you get your wife to do this, I would like to try it.”
The driver says, “Give your wife two drinks and she will be all set.”
The next morning they’re cruising along and the driver asks, “How was it?”
The passenger answers, “It was great, but it took my wife ten drinks.”
The driver looks at him funny and says, “Ten drinks?”
The passenger says, “Yes. After two she was more than willing to make love that way, but it took her eight more to get her out on the front lawn!”
A woman went to a lawyer to discuss
Ma and Pa were two old hillbillies
17.
A little girl and a little boy are sitting in the sand pit.
They are showing their private parts.
They both ask each other ”what is it?”
They both replied ”I don’t know?” so that same day when the boy went home he asked his dad what it was his dad said ”It’s a red farahri you can park it in any pink garage.”
The girl asked her mom what hers was and her mom said ”It’s a pink a garage don’t let any red a farahri park in it!”
The next day the girl came home with blood all over her hands.
Her mom said ”whats that?”
Girl: Blood!”
Mom: ”From what?”
Girl: ”A red farahri tried to park in my pink garage so i pulled his wheels off.
Anna and blonde are walking home
Three guys are on a plane
A little girl and a little boy are sitting in the sand pit.
They are showing their private parts.
They both ask each other ”what is it?”
They both replied ”I don’t know?” so that same day when the boy went home he asked his dad what it was his dad said ”It’s a red farahri you can park it in any pink garage.”
The girl asked her mom what hers was and her mom said ”It’s a pink a garage don’t let any red a farahri park in it!”
The next day the girl came home with blood all over her hands.
Her mom said ”whats that?”
Girl: Blood!”
Mom: ”From what?”
Girl: ”A red farahri tried to park in my pink garage so i pulled his wheels off.
Anna and blonde are walking home
Three guys are on a plane
18.
Johnny and Susie were playing undressed, wondering why they have different “parts”
When Johnny got home he asked his mother why he had a stick and Susie had a hole.
Johnny’s mother said “oh son, you have a Ferrari, and Susie has a garage; the time will come and you’ll park your Ferrari in her garage.”
When Susie got home she asked her father why she had a hole and Johnny had a stick.
Susie’s father stated “you have a garage and Johnny is just a sports car trying to park. Don’t let him park in your garage!”
So a few days pass and sure enough, Johnny and Susie are playing undressed again when Johnny proudly stands up and says “Susie, let me park my Ferrari in your garage”, to which she refuses.
Johnny continues to insist on parking his Ferrari until Susie has had enough and goes home.
When Susie gets home, her mother asks “Susie… what’s all that red stuff on your hands?” To which Susie replied: “Johnny tried to park his Ferrari in my garage, so I ripped the back wheels off.”
A man goes to take out a loan
A guy who has a bad stutter
Johnny and Susie were playing undressed, wondering why they have different “parts”
When Johnny got home he asked his mother why he had a stick and Susie had a hole.
Johnny’s mother said “oh son, you have a Ferrari, and Susie has a garage; the time will come and you’ll park your Ferrari in her garage.”
When Susie got home she asked her father why she had a hole and Johnny had a stick.
Susie’s father stated “you have a garage and Johnny is just a sports car trying to park. Don’t let him park in your garage!”
So a few days pass and sure enough, Johnny and Susie are playing undressed again when Johnny proudly stands up and says “Susie, let me park my Ferrari in your garage”, to which she refuses.
Johnny continues to insist on parking his Ferrari until Susie has had enough and goes home.
When Susie gets home, her mother asks “Susie… what’s all that red stuff on your hands?” To which Susie replied: “Johnny tried to park his Ferrari in my garage, so I ripped the back wheels off.”
A man goes to take out a loan
A guy who has a bad stutter
19.
The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband’s lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely.
“I demand proper manners in bed,” she declared, “just as I do at the dinner table.”
Amused by his wife’s formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets.
“Is that better?” he asked, with a hint of a smile.”
“Yes,” replied the girl, “much better.”
“Very good, darling,” the husband whispered.
“Now would you be so kind as to please pass the privates.”
A husband and his wife sitting in a bar
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon
The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband’s lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely.
“I demand proper manners in bed,” she declared, “just as I do at the dinner table.”
Amused by his wife’s formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets.
“Is that better?” he asked, with a hint of a smile.”
“Yes,” replied the girl, “much better.”
“Very good, darling,” the husband whispered.
“Now would you be so kind as to please pass the privates.”
A husband and his wife sitting in a bar
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon
20.
A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.
He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.
As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said,
“If you don’t let me unlock the door, you’ll never get in there!”
A frog in a trap
A State Trooper sees a car puttering
A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.
He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.
As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said,
“If you don’t let me unlock the door, you’ll never get in there!”
A frog in a trap
A State Trooper sees a car puttering
21.
An older couple wake up in the morning and the husband looks over at the woman and says,
‘Wow! You wouldn’t believe the dream I had…’ And the woman replied, ‘Yes, go on tell me.’
So the husband told her.
‘I had a dream that you left me after 20 years of being married.’
So the wife says, ‘Oh, it sounds more like a nightmare.’
The husband says, ‘No, I am sure it was a dream’.
A boy asked his father a question
Harry walks in the bathroom
An older couple wake up in the morning and the husband looks over at the woman and says,
‘Wow! You wouldn’t believe the dream I had…’ And the woman replied, ‘Yes, go on tell me.’
So the husband told her.
‘I had a dream that you left me after 20 years of being married.’
So the wife says, ‘Oh, it sounds more like a nightmare.’
The husband says, ‘No, I am sure it was a dream’.
A boy asked his father a question
Harry walks in the bathroom
22.
Two drunks are walking along.
One drunk says to the other, “What a beautiful night, look at the moon.”
The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend.
“You are wrong, that’s not the moon, that’s the sun.”
Both started arguing for a while when they come upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him.
“Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that’s shining. Is it the moon or the sun?”
The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, “Sorry, I don’t live around here.”
The end of a job interview
A boy is selling fish on a corner
Two drunks are walking along.
One drunk says to the other, “What a beautiful night, look at the moon.”
The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend.
“You are wrong, that’s not the moon, that’s the sun.”
Both started arguing for a while when they come upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him.
“Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that’s shining. Is it the moon or the sun?”
The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, “Sorry, I don’t live around here.”
The end of a job interview
A boy is selling fish on a corner
23.
“I don’t know why, but I’m afraid that this room might be bugged with listening devices.”
the girlfriend tells her boyfriend.
“That’s crazy, there’s nothing to be worried about.” the man replies.
The girl insists, so he starts to search the room
He looks in all of the drawers, under the TV, and behind the curtains
When he pulls the rug up, to his utter disbelief, he finds a suspicious looking disc.
“Wow, you might be right!” the man says as he unscr*ws the disc from the floor.
The next morning, they head to the front desk to check out of their room.
“You guys must’ve had a good time last night” the clerk says laughing.
Angry and confused, the man asks, “AND HOW WOULD YOU KNOW THAT?! ARE YOU USING LISTENING DEVICES TO TRACK EVERYTHING WE’RE DOING OR SOMETHING?!?!”
The clerk replies,
“Not at all
It’s just that the entire chandelier on the floor below your room came down.”
I forgot my teeth
A nine-year-old kid sitting at desk
“I don’t know why, but I’m afraid that this room might be bugged with listening devices.”
the girlfriend tells her boyfriend.
“That’s crazy, there’s nothing to be worried about.” the man replies.
The girl insists, so he starts to search the room
He looks in all of the drawers, under the TV, and behind the curtains
When he pulls the rug up, to his utter disbelief, he finds a suspicious looking disc.
“Wow, you might be right!” the man says as he unscr*ws the disc from the floor.
The next morning, they head to the front desk to check out of their room.
“You guys must’ve had a good time last night” the clerk says laughing.
Angry and confused, the man asks, “AND HOW WOULD YOU KNOW THAT?! ARE YOU USING LISTENING DEVICES TO TRACK EVERYTHING WE’RE DOING OR SOMETHING?!?!”
The clerk replies,
“Not at all
It’s just that the entire chandelier on the floor below your room came down.”
I forgot my teeth
A nine-year-old kid sitting at desk
24.
A lady helps her husband to set up a new laptop.
Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password, selecting a word that he’ll always remember.
As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife and with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye, he types “my tool”.
As he hits “enter” to validate the selection, his wife collapses with laughter and rolls on the floor in hysterics.
The laptop had replied: TOO SHORT- ACCESS DENIED!
A old man and his grand daughter were sitting
A husband and wife were sitting
A lady helps her husband to set up a new laptop.
Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password, selecting a word that he’ll always remember.
As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife and with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye, he types “my tool”.
As he hits “enter” to validate the selection, his wife collapses with laughter and rolls on the floor in hysterics.
The laptop had replied: TOO SHORT- ACCESS DENIED!
A old man and his grand daughter were sitting
A husband and wife were sitting
25.
Two men are working on a telephone pole.
A little old lady walks by and one of the men yell to her,
“Hey lady, can you move that wire off the sidewalk for us!”
She picks it up and moves it from the sidewalk.
The second electrician says,
“I told you it wasn’t live.”
A lady goes into a bar
A old man accidentally crashed his car
Two men are working on a telephone pole.
A little old lady walks by and one of the men yell to her,
“Hey lady, can you move that wire off the sidewalk for us!”
She picks it up and moves it from the sidewalk.
The second electrician says,
“I told you it wasn’t live.”
A lady goes into a bar
A old man accidentally crashed his car
26.
A milkman, who is dying in the hospital, is surrounded by his two sons, daughter, his wife and a nurse.
He says: To you, Peter, I leave the Beverly houses.
To you, my dear daughter, I leave the apartments in the Los Angeles Plaza.
To you, Charlie, being my youngest son with a large future, I leave the City Center offices.
And you, my dear wife, the three residential buildings towers in downtown.
The nurse, impressed, tells his wife, “Madam, your husband is very rich, he is bequeathing many properties! You all are so lucky!!!”
A six-foot beetle standing
Billy Bob Wanted To Sell His Old Truck
A milkman, who is dying in the hospital, is surrounded by his two sons, daughter, his wife and a nurse.
He says: To you, Peter, I leave the Beverly houses.
To you, my dear daughter, I leave the apartments in the Los Angeles Plaza.
To you, Charlie, being my youngest son with a large future, I leave the City Center offices.
And you, my dear wife, the three residential buildings towers in downtown.
The nurse, impressed, tells his wife, “Madam, your husband is very rich, he is bequeathing many properties! You all are so lucky!!!”
A six-foot beetle standing
Billy Bob Wanted To Sell His Old Truck
27.
The woman had two female parrots who knew how to say only one thing: “Hey, we are sluts. Let’s have some fun!”
They kept yelling it all the time until the woman got mad and brought them to a priest.
Father, please, advise what to do with my female parrots.
They talk dirty things all the time.
I know what to do. I have got two male parrots that are taught to praise Jesus Christ and read the prayer.
We will put your female parrots into their cage and my male parrots will teach them good manners.
In two minutes they let the female parrots into the cage with the male parrots that were reading the prayer.
Immediately the female parrots yelled out the only thing they knew: “Hey, we are sluts. Let’s have some fun!”
One of the male parrots looked at his friend and said:
St. Patrick, put your prayer aside.
Jesus answered our prayers!
A man gathered all of his children
Two guys were picked up by cops
The woman had two female parrots who knew how to say only one thing: “Hey, we are sluts. Let’s have some fun!”
They kept yelling it all the time until the woman got mad and brought them to a priest.
Father, please, advise what to do with my female parrots.
They talk dirty things all the time.
I know what to do. I have got two male parrots that are taught to praise Jesus Christ and read the prayer.
We will put your female parrots into their cage and my male parrots will teach them good manners.
In two minutes they let the female parrots into the cage with the male parrots that were reading the prayer.
Immediately the female parrots yelled out the only thing they knew: “Hey, we are sluts. Let’s have some fun!”
One of the male parrots looked at his friend and said:
St. Patrick, put your prayer aside.
Jesus answered our prayers!
A man gathered all of his children
Two guys were picked up by cops
28.
A man and his wife enter a dentist’s office.
The wife says “I need a tooth pulled.
No gas or Novocain!
I’m in a terrible hurry.
Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.”
“You’re a brave woman,” says the dentist.
“Now, show me which tooth it is.”
The wife turns to her husband and says:
“Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is,dear”
A elderly Pope goes to New York
A little girl was talking to teacher
A man and his wife enter a dentist’s office.
The wife says “I need a tooth pulled.
No gas or Novocain!
I’m in a terrible hurry.
Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.”
“You’re a brave woman,” says the dentist.
“Now, show me which tooth it is.”
The wife turns to her husband and says:
“Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is,dear”
A elderly Pope goes to New York
A little girl was talking to teacher
29.
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north.
The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap.
The wife decided to take the boat out.
She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside and says,
“Good morning, Ma’am what are you doing?”
“Reading my book,” she replies as she thinks to herself, “Is he guy blind or what?”
“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.
“But, Officer, I’m not fishing can’t you see that?”
“But you have all this equipment, Ma’am I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”
“If you do that I will charge you with r*pe,” snaps the irate woman.
“I didn’t even touch you,” grouses the Game Warden.
“Yes, that’s true … but you have all the equipment.”
I think you’re bad luck
A little girl whispered to her mother
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north.
The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap.
The wife decided to take the boat out.
She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside and says,
“Good morning, Ma’am what are you doing?”
“Reading my book,” she replies as she thinks to herself, “Is he guy blind or what?”
“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.
“But, Officer, I’m not fishing can’t you see that?”
“But you have all this equipment, Ma’am I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”
“If you do that I will charge you with r*pe,” snaps the irate woman.
“I didn’t even touch you,” grouses the Game Warden.
“Yes, that’s true … but you have all the equipment.”
I think you’re bad luck
A little girl whispered to her mother
30.
A student comes to a young professor’s office hours.
She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.
“I would do anything to pass this exam.”
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
“I mean…” she whispers, “…I would do…anything.”
He returns her gaze. “Anything?”
“Anything.”
His voice softens. “Anything??”
“Absolutely anything.”
His voice turns to a whisper. “Would you…study?”
A man was out hunting
A man walking along the beach
A student comes to a young professor’s office hours.
She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.
“I would do anything to pass this exam.”
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
“I mean…” she whispers, “…I would do…anything.”
He returns her gaze. “Anything?”
“Anything.”
His voice softens. “Anything??”
“Absolutely anything.”
His voice turns to a whisper. “Would you…study?”
A man was out hunting
A man walking along the beach
Tags:
eng jokes