1.
A man wakes up from his operation and the doctor says ‘I have bad news and good news, what do you want to hear first?’
The man says ‘bad’ so the doctor says ‘during the surgery your girlfriend decided to leave a message that she’s leaving you for another man’ the man says ‘what’s the good then?’
And the doctor says ‘I’m picking her up at 7’
Two old farmers are talking
One day, Einstein has to speak
A man wakes up from his operation and the doctor says ‘I have bad news and good news, what do you want to hear first?’
The man says ‘bad’ so the doctor says ‘during the surgery your girlfriend decided to leave a message that she’s leaving you for another man’ the man says ‘what’s the good then?’
And the doctor says ‘I’m picking her up at 7’
Two old farmers are talking
One day, Einstein has to speak
2.
There were two men at a bar, the first man said to the other one, “I know a bridge where you can jump off and return safely.”
The other man who was shocked asked the man to show it to him.
After they finished their drinks the second man asked him to demonstrate, so the first man jumped off the bridge and flew back.
The second man dumbfounded decided why not give it a try.
He jumped off and died.
When the first man went back to the bar the bartender said, “Superman you are so cruel when you are drunk!”
A 15-year-old rolled up at home in a shiny Porsche
A elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone
There were two men at a bar, the first man said to the other one, “I know a bridge where you can jump off and return safely.”
The other man who was shocked asked the man to show it to him.
After they finished their drinks the second man asked him to demonstrate, so the first man jumped off the bridge and flew back.
The second man dumbfounded decided why not give it a try.
He jumped off and died.
When the first man went back to the bar the bartender said, “Superman you are so cruel when you are drunk!”
A 15-year-old rolled up at home in a shiny Porsche
A elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone
3.
John walks into his 5th floor apartment after a long day of work, he exhaustively sinks into his favorite arm chair, puts up his footrest, turns on the TV, and turns to his wife Hannah,
“Honey, please get me a hard drink, I think it’s about to start.”
Hannah rolls her eyes, heads to the kitchen, takes out a beer from the fridge, and brings it to John.
“Honey”, said John, two minutes later, “please get me another one quickly before it starts.”
“WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU LAZY GOOD FOR NOTHING!”
Hannah exclaimed, “DO YOU THINK I’M YOUR PERSONAL WAITER!? YOU PLOP YOURSELF DOWN ON YOUR EASY CHAIR AND EXPECT ME TO BE ON YOUR BECK AND CALL!? IS THAT ALL I’M GOOD FOR!?
John sighs, and mutters under his breath, “it started….”
A wife was sitting peacefully
A man wasn’t feeling well
John walks into his 5th floor apartment after a long day of work, he exhaustively sinks into his favorite arm chair, puts up his footrest, turns on the TV, and turns to his wife Hannah,
“Honey, please get me a hard drink, I think it’s about to start.”
Hannah rolls her eyes, heads to the kitchen, takes out a beer from the fridge, and brings it to John.
“Honey”, said John, two minutes later, “please get me another one quickly before it starts.”
“WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU LAZY GOOD FOR NOTHING!”
Hannah exclaimed, “DO YOU THINK I’M YOUR PERSONAL WAITER!? YOU PLOP YOURSELF DOWN ON YOUR EASY CHAIR AND EXPECT ME TO BE ON YOUR BECK AND CALL!? IS THAT ALL I’M GOOD FOR!?
John sighs, and mutters under his breath, “it started….”
A wife was sitting peacefully
A man wasn’t feeling well
4.
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife’s arm.
The wife turns over and says “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.”
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
“Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?”
A man walks into the barber shop
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife’s arm.
The wife turns over and says “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.”
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
“Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?”
A man walks into the barber shop
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists
5.
Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine.
Suddenly, she burst out laughing.
“Listen to this,” she said.
“There’s a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium.”
“Hmmm,” her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, Sarah said, “Would you swap me for a season ticket?”
“Absolutely not,” he said.
“How sweet,” Sarah said. “Tell me why not.”
“Season’s more than half over,” he said.
A man in a bar sees a friend
A man was being interviewed for a job
Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine.
Suddenly, she burst out laughing.
“Listen to this,” she said.
“There’s a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium.”
“Hmmm,” her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, Sarah said, “Would you swap me for a season ticket?”
“Absolutely not,” he said.
“How sweet,” Sarah said. “Tell me why not.”
“Season’s more than half over,” he said.
A man in a bar sees a friend
A man was being interviewed for a job
6.
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.
He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer;
Had an affair with his boss’ wife; lovemaking with his boss’ 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs;
had several homosual affairs; was arrested several times for public undressed and gave VD to his sister-in-law.
I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things…
But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”
Just as the Priest finished his talk the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.
He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
“I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived” said the politician
“In fact I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”
These Three Go To Heaven
The jar was full of nuts
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.
He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer;
Had an affair with his boss’ wife; lovemaking with his boss’ 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs;
had several homosual affairs; was arrested several times for public undressed and gave VD to his sister-in-law.
I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things…
But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”
Just as the Priest finished his talk the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.
He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
“I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived” said the politician
“In fact I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”
These Three Go To Heaven
The jar was full of nuts
7.
Mrs. O’Henry was talking to her husband one night about their son and his allowance.
“Well, darling,” said Mr. O’Henry, “I had a long talk with him last week about the value of a dollar.”
“I know,” she replied, “the other day he asked for his allowance in Yen.”
A blonde was hard up for money
This elderly couple is watching television
Mrs. O’Henry was talking to her husband one night about their son and his allowance.
“Well, darling,” said Mr. O’Henry, “I had a long talk with him last week about the value of a dollar.”
“I know,” she replied, “the other day he asked for his allowance in Yen.”
A blonde was hard up for money
This elderly couple is watching television
8.
Bob was in trouble.
He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really angry.
She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!”
The next morning he got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
Ralph is driving home
A lady goes to the doctor
Bob was in trouble.
He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really angry.
She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!”
The next morning he got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
Ralph is driving home
A lady goes to the doctor
9.
A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears,
“You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?” he concluded.
“What, dear?” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
“I think you’re bad luck.”
A guy walks into a bar with his dog
A young boy and his dad went out fishing
A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears,
“You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?” he concluded.
“What, dear?” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
“I think you’re bad luck.”
A guy walks into a bar with his dog
A young boy and his dad went out fishing
10.
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.
The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its h*le.
He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that h*le.”
The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little h*le.”
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray.
He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.
Then he puts the worm back into the h*le.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, “Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.”
The grandfather replies, “I know. That’s from your grandma.”
A couple walked into cheap restaurant
A young boy caught sight of his mother
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.
The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its h*le.
He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that h*le.”
The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little h*le.”
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray.
He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.
Then he puts the worm back into the h*le.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, “Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.”
The grandfather replies, “I know. That’s from your grandma.”
A couple walked into cheap restaurant
A young boy caught sight of his mother
📚 Recommended Posts
Quotes That Remind You To Live FullyJohnny Noticed That Jimmy Funny Jokes 05
Johnnys Mother Had Three Children Funny
Witty Wonders Funniest Jokes For Smart
Unforgettable Love Quotes For Every
11.
An elderly man went to a doctor with multiple complaints.
“I see spots before my eyes,” he said.
“It’s due to old age,” said the doctor.
“No food agrees with me,” said the man.
“That too is due to old age,” said the doctor.
“The digestive system becomes weaker as we grow older.”
“My back is giving me trouble,” persisted the man.
“Sometimes the pain becomes unbearable.”
“Old age,” said the doctor.
This was too much for the man.
“Why do you go on saying ‘old age, old age’,” he screamed.
“If you cannot cure me, say so. I’ll go elsewhere.”
“See how easily you lost your temper,” said the doctor.
“That is another characteristic of old age.”
At last, the old man slaps him, and the doctor asks,
“Why did you slap me?”
Old man said “This is also due to old age, you see”
A man was leaving a convenience store
A Amish boy and his father were in a mall
An elderly man went to a doctor with multiple complaints.
“I see spots before my eyes,” he said.
“It’s due to old age,” said the doctor.
“No food agrees with me,” said the man.
“That too is due to old age,” said the doctor.
“The digestive system becomes weaker as we grow older.”
“My back is giving me trouble,” persisted the man.
“Sometimes the pain becomes unbearable.”
“Old age,” said the doctor.
This was too much for the man.
“Why do you go on saying ‘old age, old age’,” he screamed.
“If you cannot cure me, say so. I’ll go elsewhere.”
“See how easily you lost your temper,” said the doctor.
“That is another characteristic of old age.”
At last, the old man slaps him, and the doctor asks,
“Why did you slap me?”
Old man said “This is also due to old age, you see”
A man was leaving a convenience store
A Amish boy and his father were in a mall
12.
A guy who has a bad stutter goes to the doctor, he says “doccttrr I have ttttoo gettt rid ooooff my stttuter ccccan you hhhhelp me?”
The doctor says okay let’s do a complete physical on you and see what we find.
The guy takes off his clothes and he’s got a huge mickey, the doctor says that’s the problem right there!
That weapon is so big it’s pulling on your vocal chords and causing the stutter, we have several smaller transplants we can choose from and remove the big one.
So the guy agrees and has the surgery, a month later he goes back to see the doctor and says, “hey doc I can speak fantastically with no stutter, but my wife isn’t satisfied so I need my old roger back.”
The doctor says, “ffffVck yyyou.”
Johnny and Susie were playing
The nurse asks him
A guy who has a bad stutter goes to the doctor, he says “doccttrr I have ttttoo gettt rid ooooff my stttuter ccccan you hhhhelp me?”
The doctor says okay let’s do a complete physical on you and see what we find.
The guy takes off his clothes and he’s got a huge mickey, the doctor says that’s the problem right there!
That weapon is so big it’s pulling on your vocal chords and causing the stutter, we have several smaller transplants we can choose from and remove the big one.
So the guy agrees and has the surgery, a month later he goes back to see the doctor and says, “hey doc I can speak fantastically with no stutter, but my wife isn’t satisfied so I need my old roger back.”
The doctor says, “ffffVck yyyou.”
Johnny and Susie were playing
The nurse asks him
13.
One afternoon a Lawyer was driving home,…
when he saw a man eating grass by the side of the road
“Why are doing that?” the lawyer asked.
“I don’t have any money for food” the man replied.
“Oh, then you must come with me”.
“But, Sir, I have a wife and five children.”
“They are all welcome”.
So the family got in the lawyer’s car and he sped off towards his mansion.
“You’re so kind to help so many people” the wife gushed during the journey.
“It’s fine”. said the lawyer.
“I haven’t cut my grass in weeks
A junior manager a senior manager and their boss
Baby Love, Cup Of Tea & Dad
One afternoon a Lawyer was driving home,…
when he saw a man eating grass by the side of the road
“Why are doing that?” the lawyer asked.
“I don’t have any money for food” the man replied.
“Oh, then you must come with me”.
“But, Sir, I have a wife and five children.”
“They are all welcome”.
So the family got in the lawyer’s car and he sped off towards his mansion.
“You’re so kind to help so many people” the wife gushed during the journey.
“It’s fine”. said the lawyer.
“I haven’t cut my grass in weeks
A junior manager a senior manager and their boss
Baby Love, Cup Of Tea & Dad
14.
The English teacher called Peter for a graded recitation.
“Peter, recite a sentence that begins with I.”
Peter thought for a moment and slowly said, “I is the…”
The teacher interrupted him and said,
“No, Peter. You say ‘I am’ instead of ‘I is’. Now, try again.”
“Okay,” Peter said. “I am the ninth letter of the English alphabet.”
Three fathers we sitting in a bar
Ana sets up her friend Jenny
The English teacher called Peter for a graded recitation.
“Peter, recite a sentence that begins with I.”
Peter thought for a moment and slowly said, “I is the…”
The teacher interrupted him and said,
“No, Peter. You say ‘I am’ instead of ‘I is’. Now, try again.”
“Okay,” Peter said. “I am the ninth letter of the English alphabet.”
Three fathers we sitting in a bar
Ana sets up her friend Jenny
15.
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party.
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all.
He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian”
He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, “Son… what happened last night?”
“Well, you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.”
Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”
His son replies, “Oh THAT! Well, Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,’Leave me alone, I’m married!'”
A boss was complaining in a staff meeting
His boss asked what happened
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party.
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all.
He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian”
He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, “Son… what happened last night?”
“Well, you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.”
Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”
His son replies, “Oh THAT! Well, Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,’Leave me alone, I’m married!'”
A boss was complaining in a staff meeting
His boss asked what happened
16.
A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears;
“You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.”
When I got fired, you were there to support me when my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side you know what?
“What dear?” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
“I think you’re bad luck.”
A man in Scotland calls his son
A couple went on vacation to a fishing
A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears;
“You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.”
When I got fired, you were there to support me when my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side you know what?
“What dear?” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
“I think you’re bad luck.”
A man in Scotland calls his son
A couple went on vacation to a fishing
17.
A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.
“What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?”
“Throw out an anchor, Sir.”
“What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?”
“Throw out another anchor, Sir.”
“And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?”
“Throw out another anchor.”
“Hold on,” said the Captain, “where are you getting all your anchors from?”
“From the same place you re getting your storms, sir.”
The teacher asked the class
Once there was a business executive
A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.
“What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?”
“Throw out an anchor, Sir.”
“What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?”
“Throw out another anchor, Sir.”
“And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?”
“Throw out another anchor.”
“Hold on,” said the Captain, “where are you getting all your anchors from?”
“From the same place you re getting your storms, sir.”
The teacher asked the class
Once there was a business executive
18.
So a truck driver is driving through the country when he sees a penguin in the middle of the road.
He pulls over and looks around, but can’t see anyone.
So he picks up the penguin, puts him in the cab of his truck, and continues on his way.
A couple of miles down the road he gets pulled over by a cop.
The cop walks up to the truck and asks, “What are you doing with that penguin in your cab?”
The truck driver thinks for a second and says, “Well, he was just sitting in the middle of the road, so I decided to pick him up” to which the cop replied, “well ok, but what are you going to do with him now?”
Truck driver thinks for another second and says, “Well I was thinking I’d take him to the zoo.”
The cop shrugs his shoulders, tells the truck driver that’ll be fine and lets him go on his way.
A couple weeks later and the same truck driver with the same penguin is pulled over again by the same cop.
But this time the cop storms up to the truck and demands to know angrily,
“What are you still doing with that penguin? You said you were going to take him to the zoo?”
“I did” exclaimed the truck driver “that was two weeks ago, I’m taking him to the cinema today”
Nasreddin Hodja was lying in the shade
Two Government maintenance guys
So a truck driver is driving through the country when he sees a penguin in the middle of the road.
He pulls over and looks around, but can’t see anyone.
So he picks up the penguin, puts him in the cab of his truck, and continues on his way.
A couple of miles down the road he gets pulled over by a cop.
The cop walks up to the truck and asks, “What are you doing with that penguin in your cab?”
The truck driver thinks for a second and says, “Well, he was just sitting in the middle of the road, so I decided to pick him up” to which the cop replied, “well ok, but what are you going to do with him now?”
Truck driver thinks for another second and says, “Well I was thinking I’d take him to the zoo.”
The cop shrugs his shoulders, tells the truck driver that’ll be fine and lets him go on his way.
A couple weeks later and the same truck driver with the same penguin is pulled over again by the same cop.
But this time the cop storms up to the truck and demands to know angrily,
“What are you still doing with that penguin? You said you were going to take him to the zoo?”
“I did” exclaimed the truck driver “that was two weeks ago, I’m taking him to the cinema today”
Nasreddin Hodja was lying in the shade
Two Government maintenance guys
19.
Two old guys were sitting on a bus bench when a good looking young blonde with a short skirt got off.
One old guy says to the other Boy I sure would like to get a piece of that.
The other old guy says yeah, me too but mine just doesn’t work anymore.
The other one says don’t you know how to keep that thing working?
He says no, how do you do that?
The other old guy says you have to eat a lot of french bread.
So this guy goes the the store and buys 100 loaves of french bread.
When he gets up to the checker she tells him don’t you know that’s going to get hard before you eat all that?
And he says Oh! you’ve heard about that too!
The car speed off the highway
A man and his wife are driving they hit a baby skunk
Two old guys were sitting on a bus bench when a good looking young blonde with a short skirt got off.
One old guy says to the other Boy I sure would like to get a piece of that.
The other old guy says yeah, me too but mine just doesn’t work anymore.
The other one says don’t you know how to keep that thing working?
He says no, how do you do that?
The other old guy says you have to eat a lot of french bread.
So this guy goes the the store and buys 100 loaves of french bread.
When he gets up to the checker she tells him don’t you know that’s going to get hard before you eat all that?
And he says Oh! you’ve heard about that too!
The car speed off the highway
A man and his wife are driving they hit a baby skunk
20.
There’s this dad who is trying to get his daughter a birthday gift
And he knows that she is really starting to like Barbie, so he goes to the mall in hopes of finding a Barbie doll.
He finally finds a store that sells Barbies and asks the cashier what Barbies are available.
“Well we have four Barbies: the Regular Barbie, which is $5.”
The dad doesn’t want to be cheap for his daughter’s birthday, so he moves to the next one.
“We have the Princess Barbie, which is $15.”
“What is included?”
“Well the Princess Barbie comes with the barbie, a hairbrush, and a dress.”
The dad doesn’t think that is worth $15, so he moves on to the next one.
“We have the Cinderella Barbie, which is $20.”
“What is included?”
“The Cinderella Barbie has everything the Princess Barbie has, plus the Prince Barbie and glass slippers.”
The dad is very interested by this one, but wants to hear the last offer.
“Well the last one is the Divorced Cinderella Barbie, which is $200.”
The dad is taken aback by this.
“Why in the world is it $200?”
“Well sir, the Divorced Cinderella Barbie comes with the Prince’s palace, the Prince’s chariot, the Prince’s gold…”
An 80 year old man married to 20 year old girl
A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention
There’s this dad who is trying to get his daughter a birthday gift
And he knows that she is really starting to like Barbie, so he goes to the mall in hopes of finding a Barbie doll.
He finally finds a store that sells Barbies and asks the cashier what Barbies are available.
“Well we have four Barbies: the Regular Barbie, which is $5.”
The dad doesn’t want to be cheap for his daughter’s birthday, so he moves to the next one.
“We have the Princess Barbie, which is $15.”
“What is included?”
“Well the Princess Barbie comes with the barbie, a hairbrush, and a dress.”
The dad doesn’t think that is worth $15, so he moves on to the next one.
“We have the Cinderella Barbie, which is $20.”
“What is included?”
“The Cinderella Barbie has everything the Princess Barbie has, plus the Prince Barbie and glass slippers.”
The dad is very interested by this one, but wants to hear the last offer.
“Well the last one is the Divorced Cinderella Barbie, which is $200.”
The dad is taken aback by this.
“Why in the world is it $200?”
“Well sir, the Divorced Cinderella Barbie comes with the Prince’s palace, the Prince’s chariot, the Prince’s gold…”
An 80 year old man married to 20 year old girl
A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention
📚 Recommended Posts
Quotes That Remind You To Live FullyJohnny Noticed That Jimmy Funny Jokes 05
Johnnys Mother Had Three Children Funny
Witty Wonders Funniest Jokes For Smart
Unforgettable Love Quotes For Every
21.
An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house.
They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire.
So, they decided to go see their physician get some help.
Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders.
The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctor’s office very pleased with the advice.
When they got home, the wife said,
“Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don’t you write that down so you won’t forget?”
“Nonsense,” said the husband, “I can remember a dish of ice cream!”
“Well,” said the wife, “I’d also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you’ll forget.”
“Don’t be silly,” replied the husband.
“A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!”
“OK, dear, but I’d like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you’d really better write it down now. You’ll forget,” said the wife.
“Come now, my memory’s not all that bad,” said the husband.
“No problem a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream.”
And with that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him.
The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream.
He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.
Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs.
The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, “Hey, where’s the toast?”
Susie asks her mummy
The grandfather spend time with his grandson
An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house.
They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire.
So, they decided to go see their physician get some help.
Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders.
The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctor’s office very pleased with the advice.
When they got home, the wife said,
“Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don’t you write that down so you won’t forget?”
“Nonsense,” said the husband, “I can remember a dish of ice cream!”
“Well,” said the wife, “I’d also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you’ll forget.”
“Don’t be silly,” replied the husband.
“A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!”
“OK, dear, but I’d like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you’d really better write it down now. You’ll forget,” said the wife.
“Come now, my memory’s not all that bad,” said the husband.
“No problem a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream.”
And with that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him.
The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream.
He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.
Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs.
The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, “Hey, where’s the toast?”
Susie asks her mummy
The grandfather spend time with his grandson
22.
There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park.
He was a widower and she was a widow.
They had known one another for a number of years.
Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.
These two were at the same table, across from one another.
As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her,
“Will you marry me?”
After a dramatic pause and precisely six seconds of ‘careful consideration,’ she answered.
“Yes. Yes, I will.”
The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. “Did she say ‘yes’ or did she say ‘no’?”
He couldn’t remember.
Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained to her that he didn’t remember as well as he used to.
Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.
As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her,
“When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘Yes’ or did you say ‘No’?”
He was delighted to hear her say,
“Why, I said, ‘Yes, yes I will’ and I meant it with all my heart.”
Then she continued,
“And I am so glad that you called because I couldn’t remember who had asked me.”
He gets into the taxi
A teacher was testing the children
There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park.
He was a widower and she was a widow.
They had known one another for a number of years.
Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.
These two were at the same table, across from one another.
As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her,
“Will you marry me?”
After a dramatic pause and precisely six seconds of ‘careful consideration,’ she answered.
“Yes. Yes, I will.”
The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. “Did she say ‘yes’ or did she say ‘no’?”
He couldn’t remember.
Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained to her that he didn’t remember as well as he used to.
Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.
As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her,
“When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘Yes’ or did you say ‘No’?”
He was delighted to hear her say,
“Why, I said, ‘Yes, yes I will’ and I meant it with all my heart.”
Then she continued,
“And I am so glad that you called because I couldn’t remember who had asked me.”
He gets into the taxi
A teacher was testing the children
23.
A little boy asked his father a question.
“Dad, I know that babies come from mommies’ tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?” he asked innocently.
After dad hemmed and hawed for a while, the kid finally spoke up in disgust.
“You don’t have to make something up, Dad. It’s okay if you don’t know the answer.”
A man returned home earlier
A older couple wake up in the morning
A little boy asked his father a question.
“Dad, I know that babies come from mommies’ tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?” he asked innocently.
After dad hemmed and hawed for a while, the kid finally spoke up in disgust.
“You don’t have to make something up, Dad. It’s okay if you don’t know the answer.”
A man returned home earlier
A older couple wake up in the morning
24.
A policeman goes home after a long and exhausting day at work.
He enters the dark bedroom and strips off his uniform, leaving it on the floor.
Being so tired he did not bother to turn on the light, plus he didn’t want to disturb his wife who was in bed.
Just before he got into bed his wife said,
“Honey we are out of bread, please buy one at the corner shop, as I needed it to make breakfast for the kids.”
“Fine,” said the husband,
“but you should have mentioned it before I took off my uniform.”
He then put on his uniform and went to the corner shop.
He took up the loaf of bread and while paying for it, the cashier says to him.
“New job?”
“Nah” replied the policeman.
“Really?” said the cashier, “so how come you have on fireman uniform?”
A husband went to the police station
Two old ladies Dolly and Ruby
A policeman goes home after a long and exhausting day at work.
He enters the dark bedroom and strips off his uniform, leaving it on the floor.
Being so tired he did not bother to turn on the light, plus he didn’t want to disturb his wife who was in bed.
Just before he got into bed his wife said,
“Honey we are out of bread, please buy one at the corner shop, as I needed it to make breakfast for the kids.”
“Fine,” said the husband,
“but you should have mentioned it before I took off my uniform.”
He then put on his uniform and went to the corner shop.
He took up the loaf of bread and while paying for it, the cashier says to him.
“New job?”
“Nah” replied the policeman.
“Really?” said the cashier, “so how come you have on fireman uniform?”
A husband went to the police station
Two old ladies Dolly and Ruby
25.
A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.
“You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
“I went to visit my Nana.”
“No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!”
She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
“I took a ride on a choo-choo.”
She said, “No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words.”
She then asked Little Johnny what he had done.
“I read a book,” he replied.
“That’s WONDERFUL!” the teacher said. “What book did you read?”
Little Johnny thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, “Winnie the Shit.”
Jane was waiting for Sam to return from an outing
A couple of years ago, one night
A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.
“You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
“I went to visit my Nana.”
“No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!”
She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
“I took a ride on a choo-choo.”
She said, “No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words.”
She then asked Little Johnny what he had done.
“I read a book,” he replied.
“That’s WONDERFUL!” the teacher said. “What book did you read?”
Little Johnny thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, “Winnie the Shit.”
Jane was waiting for Sam to return from an outing
A couple of years ago, one night
26.
The Mexican Maid asked for a pay rise.
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked, “Now Maria, why do you want more pay?”
Maria: “Well, Senora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increase.
The first eez that I iron better than you.”
Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”
Maria: “Jor huzban he say so.”
Wife: “Oh yeah?”
Maria: “The second reason eez that I am better cook than you.”
Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”
Maria: “Jor hozban deed.”
Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”
Maria: “The third reason is that I a’m a better at make love than you in the bed.”
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my husband say that as well?”
Maria: “No Senora, the gardener did.”
Wife: “So how much do you want?”
A man walks into a butcher shop
A teacher was telling the story
The Mexican Maid asked for a pay rise.
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked, “Now Maria, why do you want more pay?”
Maria: “Well, Senora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increase.
The first eez that I iron better than you.”
Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”
Maria: “Jor huzban he say so.”
Wife: “Oh yeah?”
Maria: “The second reason eez that I am better cook than you.”
Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”
Maria: “Jor hozban deed.”
Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”
Maria: “The third reason is that I a’m a better at make love than you in the bed.”
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my husband say that as well?”
Maria: “No Senora, the gardener did.”
Wife: “So how much do you want?”
A man walks into a butcher shop
A teacher was telling the story
27.
Nasruddin Hodja had a buffalo whose horns were set wide apart.
Hodja often felt an urge to sit on the animal’s head between the horns, but never dared try it.
One day the animal came and sat down very near him.
Hodja threw caution to the winds and seizing the horns swung himself into the space between them.
“Now I feel like a king on his throne!” he said exultantly to his wife.
The buffalo, startled by the sudden invasion of its privacy, got indignantly to its feet and jerked its head violently forward.
Hodja went sailing into the air and fell head foremost into a ditch.
“It doesn’t matter,” he said to his wife who came running to help him.
“It’s not the first time a king has lost his throne.”
The father shark said to the son shark
The guard stops him and says
Nasruddin Hodja had a buffalo whose horns were set wide apart.
Hodja often felt an urge to sit on the animal’s head between the horns, but never dared try it.
One day the animal came and sat down very near him.
Hodja threw caution to the winds and seizing the horns swung himself into the space between them.
“Now I feel like a king on his throne!” he said exultantly to his wife.
The buffalo, startled by the sudden invasion of its privacy, got indignantly to its feet and jerked its head violently forward.
Hodja went sailing into the air and fell head foremost into a ditch.
“It doesn’t matter,” he said to his wife who came running to help him.
“It’s not the first time a king has lost his throne.”
The father shark said to the son shark
The guard stops him and says
28.
A drunk staggers into a diner and orders a couple of eggs.
The waiter, suspecting that they’ve run out, goes back to question the chef.
“Hey, Gus, do we have any more eggs?”
Gus replies, “I ran out of fresh eggs, I only have two rotten eggs left.”
The waiter says, “Give him the rotten eggs. He’s so bombed he won’t know the difference.”
Gus scrambles up the rotten eggs and heaps on hash browns, sausage and toast.
The drunk is so hungry he wolfs down the breakfast without comment.
He goes to pay the cashier and asks, “Where’d you get those eggs?”
She replies, “We have our own chicken farm.”
The drunk asks, “Do you have a rooster?
“No,” she says.
The drunk replies, “Well, you’d better get one, because some skunk is bang your chickens.”
A city kid went to his grandpa farm
Mom asks little johnny how his day at school
A drunk staggers into a diner and orders a couple of eggs.
The waiter, suspecting that they’ve run out, goes back to question the chef.
“Hey, Gus, do we have any more eggs?”
Gus replies, “I ran out of fresh eggs, I only have two rotten eggs left.”
The waiter says, “Give him the rotten eggs. He’s so bombed he won’t know the difference.”
Gus scrambles up the rotten eggs and heaps on hash browns, sausage and toast.
The drunk is so hungry he wolfs down the breakfast without comment.
He goes to pay the cashier and asks, “Where’d you get those eggs?”
She replies, “We have our own chicken farm.”
The drunk asks, “Do you have a rooster?
“No,” she says.
The drunk replies, “Well, you’d better get one, because some skunk is bang your chickens.”
A city kid went to his grandpa farm
Mom asks little johnny how his day at school
29.
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could Barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and The light was red again.
Again, they went right through.
The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.
So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, do you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!”
Three mischievous old grannies sitting on bench
A little old lady was walking her dog
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could Barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and The light was red again.
Again, they went right through.
The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.
So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, do you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!”
Three mischievous old grannies sitting on bench
A little old lady was walking her dog
30.
A woman meets with her lover who also happens to be her husband’s best friend.
They make love for hours.
Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone suddenly rings.
Since it’s the woman’s house, she picks up the receiver.
The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:
“Hello? Oh, hi… I’m so glad that you called…”
“Really? That’s wonderful…”
“Well, I’m happy to hear you’re having such a great time…”
“Oh, that sounds terrific… Love you too.”
“OK. Bye-bye.”
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks: “Who was THAT?”
“Oh,” she replies, “That was just my husband telling me about the wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with you.”
A guy dials his home phone from work
A dentist was getting ready to clean
A woman meets with her lover who also happens to be her husband’s best friend.
They make love for hours.
Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone suddenly rings.
Since it’s the woman’s house, she picks up the receiver.
The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:
“Hello? Oh, hi… I’m so glad that you called…”
“Really? That’s wonderful…”
“Well, I’m happy to hear you’re having such a great time…”
“Oh, that sounds terrific… Love you too.”
“OK. Bye-bye.”
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks: “Who was THAT?”
“Oh,” she replies, “That was just my husband telling me about the wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with you.”
A guy dials his home phone from work
A dentist was getting ready to clean
Tags:
eng jokes