1.
Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of babies.
Little Annie is now silent for a while.
“You understand it now?” Mommy asks.
“Yes,” replies her daughter.
“Do you still have any questions?”
“Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?”
“In exactly the same way as with babies.”
“Wow!” the girl exclaims.
“My daddy can do ANYTHING!”
A polish man is sitting at a bar
A father put his three year old daughter
Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of babies.
Little Annie is now silent for a while.
“You understand it now?” Mommy asks.
“Yes,” replies her daughter.
“Do you still have any questions?”
“Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?”
“In exactly the same way as with babies.”
“Wow!” the girl exclaims.
“My daddy can do ANYTHING!”
A polish man is sitting at a bar
A father put his three year old daughter
2.
Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky.
He couldn’t tell what the weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.
He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold?”
“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,” the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again.
“Is it going to be a very cold winter?”
“Yes,” the man at National Weather Service again replied, “it’s definitely going to be a very cold winter.”
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again.
“Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”
“Absolutely,” the man replied.
“It’s going to be one of the coldest winters ever.”
“How can you be so sure?” the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied,
“The Indians are collecting wood like crazy.”
The farmer agreed to deliver the horse
The Pastor & Poor Family
Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky.
He couldn’t tell what the weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.
He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold?”
“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,” the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again.
“Is it going to be a very cold winter?”
“Yes,” the man at National Weather Service again replied, “it’s definitely going to be a very cold winter.”
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again.
“Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”
“Absolutely,” the man replied.
“It’s going to be one of the coldest winters ever.”
“How can you be so sure?” the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied,
“The Indians are collecting wood like crazy.”
The farmer agreed to deliver the horse
The Pastor & Poor Family
3.
My general was making so damn angry by giving me extra work.
So i started thinking of a way to get back at him. So i went around to all the people thank were a higher rank than me and asked them to follow me and if they would sign my release papers.
They all said hell no because i was only in the army for a year.
And so i went up to the general and asked him to follow me. He did and i led him around all of the officers.
They all glared at him, and were writing things down.
And thats how i got a different general, but not out of the army.
An Irishman is out of work and decides to go
A little boy wished for 10 ping-pong balls
My general was making so damn angry by giving me extra work.
So i started thinking of a way to get back at him. So i went around to all the people thank were a higher rank than me and asked them to follow me and if they would sign my release papers.
They all said hell no because i was only in the army for a year.
And so i went up to the general and asked him to follow me. He did and i led him around all of the officers.
They all glared at him, and were writing things down.
And thats how i got a different general, but not out of the army.
An Irishman is out of work and decides to go
A little boy wished for 10 ping-pong balls
4.
One sunny day, two men were sitting in a pub drinking pints of lager, when one turned to the other and said: “You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I’m gonna go over there and talk to him”.
So, he went over to the man and tapped him on the shoulder
“Excuse me, sir,” he started
“But I noticed you look just like me!”
The second man turned around and said: “Yeah, I noticed the same thing, where you from?”
“I’m from Brisbane,” the man said: Stunned
The second man said: “Me too! What street do you live on?”
“McCarthy Street.” The second man replied: “Me too! What number is it?”
The first man said: “162”
The second man replied in shock: “Me too! What are your parents’ names?”
“Bruce and Shannon!”
The second man was awestruck and said: “Mine too! This is unbelievable!”
So, they bought another round and continued talking as the bartenders changed shifts
The new bartender came in, walked up to his colleague and asked:
“What’s new today?”
“Oh, not much
The Murphy twins are drunk again.”
The Unfortunate Man At The Bar
The Doctor
One sunny day, two men were sitting in a pub drinking pints of lager, when one turned to the other and said: “You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I’m gonna go over there and talk to him”.
So, he went over to the man and tapped him on the shoulder
“Excuse me, sir,” he started
“But I noticed you look just like me!”
The second man turned around and said: “Yeah, I noticed the same thing, where you from?”
“I’m from Brisbane,” the man said: Stunned
The second man said: “Me too! What street do you live on?”
“McCarthy Street.” The second man replied: “Me too! What number is it?”
The first man said: “162”
The second man replied in shock: “Me too! What are your parents’ names?”
“Bruce and Shannon!”
The second man was awestruck and said: “Mine too! This is unbelievable!”
So, they bought another round and continued talking as the bartenders changed shifts
The new bartender came in, walked up to his colleague and asked:
“What’s new today?”
“Oh, not much
The Murphy twins are drunk again.”
The Unfortunate Man At The Bar
The Doctor
5.
A golfer was having a tough day and in his frustration he blurted out, “I would give anything for a birdie on this h*le.”
A nearby stranger walked out of the woods beside the h*le and whispered, “If you give up one quarter of your make love life, I guarantee you will make this shot.”
The golfer said “OK.”
He made the shot for birdie.
A few h*les later, he was having trouble on another h*le.
“Please, let me make this for eagle” he said.
Again, the stranger stepped up to him and said, “If you give up another quarter of your make love life, you will make eagle.”
“You’re on,” the golfer said, and made the shot for eagle.
On the eighteenth hole, the golfer needed an eagle to win.
The stranger again stepped up and said “If you give up the last half of your lovemaking life, you will make eagle to win.”
“OK,” the golfer said, and made his shot for eagle, winning the round.
As he was walking back to the clubhouse, the stranger walked up beside him and said, “I think I should inform you that I am the Devil, and from now on you will have no lovemaking life.”
The golfer turned to him, smiled, and said, “Nice to meet you, my name is Father O’Malley!”
A college teacher reminds her class
A man went to the doctor
A golfer was having a tough day and in his frustration he blurted out, “I would give anything for a birdie on this h*le.”
A nearby stranger walked out of the woods beside the h*le and whispered, “If you give up one quarter of your make love life, I guarantee you will make this shot.”
The golfer said “OK.”
He made the shot for birdie.
A few h*les later, he was having trouble on another h*le.
“Please, let me make this for eagle” he said.
Again, the stranger stepped up to him and said, “If you give up another quarter of your make love life, you will make eagle.”
“You’re on,” the golfer said, and made the shot for eagle.
On the eighteenth hole, the golfer needed an eagle to win.
The stranger again stepped up and said “If you give up the last half of your lovemaking life, you will make eagle to win.”
“OK,” the golfer said, and made his shot for eagle, winning the round.
As he was walking back to the clubhouse, the stranger walked up beside him and said, “I think I should inform you that I am the Devil, and from now on you will have no lovemaking life.”
The golfer turned to him, smiled, and said, “Nice to meet you, my name is Father O’Malley!”
A college teacher reminds her class
A man went to the doctor
6.
Two elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami.
They had been meeting at that park every sunny day for over a dozen years.
One day, the younger of the two ladies turns to the other and says, “Please don’t be angry with me, but after all these years, what is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can’t.”
The older friend stares at her and then says, “How soon do you have to know?”
You sink your teeth into a steak
A city park stood two statues
Two elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami.
They had been meeting at that park every sunny day for over a dozen years.
One day, the younger of the two ladies turns to the other and says, “Please don’t be angry with me, but after all these years, what is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can’t.”
The older friend stares at her and then says, “How soon do you have to know?”
You sink your teeth into a steak
A city park stood two statues
7.
A farmer comes home to find his sheepdog waiting for him.
The sheepdog says: “I herded the sheep into the barn, just like you asked!”
“You sure you got them all?” The farmer replies.
“Yep! All 40 of them!” Says the sheepdog.
“40? But I only have 37 sheep.” Replies the farmer.
The sheepdog answers: “I know. I rounded them up for you.”
A old hunter was on his way back
A dog and a cat were having an argument
A farmer comes home to find his sheepdog waiting for him.
The sheepdog says: “I herded the sheep into the barn, just like you asked!”
“You sure you got them all?” The farmer replies.
“Yep! All 40 of them!” Says the sheepdog.
“40? But I only have 37 sheep.” Replies the farmer.
The sheepdog answers: “I know. I rounded them up for you.”
A old hunter was on his way back
A dog and a cat were having an argument
8.
On the first morning of the visit, John’s grandpa prepared a breakfast of bacon and eggs.
John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and asked, “Are these plates clean?”
His grandpa replied, “They’re as clean as cold water can get them just go ahead and finish your meal.”
For lunch, Grandpa made hamburgers.
Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have specks of dried egg on it.
“Are you sure these plates are clean?” he asked.
Without looking up, Grandpa said, “I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them!”
Later, as John was leaving, his grandpa’s dog started to growl and wouldn’t let him pass.
John said, “Grandpa, your dog won’t let me get by!”
Grandpa yelled to the dog, “Cold Water, go lie down!”
A son took his old father to a restaurant
A father watched his young daughter
On the first morning of the visit, John’s grandpa prepared a breakfast of bacon and eggs.
John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and asked, “Are these plates clean?”
His grandpa replied, “They’re as clean as cold water can get them just go ahead and finish your meal.”
For lunch, Grandpa made hamburgers.
Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have specks of dried egg on it.
“Are you sure these plates are clean?” he asked.
Without looking up, Grandpa said, “I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them!”
Later, as John was leaving, his grandpa’s dog started to growl and wouldn’t let him pass.
John said, “Grandpa, your dog won’t let me get by!”
Grandpa yelled to the dog, “Cold Water, go lie down!”
A son took his old father to a restaurant
A father watched his young daughter
9.
An Amish girl and her mother were visiting a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The girl asked, “Mother, what is this?”
The mother, never having seen an elevator, responded, “I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don’t know what it is.”
While the girl and her mother watched with amazement, an old man in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the man rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the girl and her mother watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until the last number was reached, and they watched some more as the numbers began to light in reverse order.
The walls opened up again and a hunky young man stepped out.
The mother, not taking her eyes off the young man, said quietly to her daughter, “Go get your father.”
Adam woke up suddenly
A couple walked into cheap restaurant
An Amish girl and her mother were visiting a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The girl asked, “Mother, what is this?”
The mother, never having seen an elevator, responded, “I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don’t know what it is.”
While the girl and her mother watched with amazement, an old man in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the man rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the girl and her mother watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until the last number was reached, and they watched some more as the numbers began to light in reverse order.
The walls opened up again and a hunky young man stepped out.
The mother, not taking her eyes off the young man, said quietly to her daughter, “Go get your father.”
Adam woke up suddenly
A couple walked into cheap restaurant
10.
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road.
He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately, the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.
The driver felt so awful, he began to cry.
A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over.
She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
“I feel terrible,” he explained.
“I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.”
The woman told the man not to worry.
She knew what to do.
She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can.
She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can on to the rabbit.
Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved it’s paw at the two humans and hopped down the road.
50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved and hopped another 50 meters.
The man was astonished.
He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can!! He ran over to the woman and demanded,
“What was in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?”
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
It said: “Hair spray restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave.”
A accountant is in a car travelling with a farmer
A guy goes to the supermarket
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road.
He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately, the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.
The driver felt so awful, he began to cry.
A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over.
She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
“I feel terrible,” he explained.
“I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.”
The woman told the man not to worry.
She knew what to do.
She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can.
She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can on to the rabbit.
Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved it’s paw at the two humans and hopped down the road.
50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved and hopped another 50 meters.
The man was astonished.
He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can!! He ran over to the woman and demanded,
“What was in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?”
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
It said: “Hair spray restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave.”
A accountant is in a car travelling with a farmer
A guy goes to the supermarket
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11.
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.
He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?”
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?”
“Yes”, whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?” the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.”
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”
“Yes,” came the answer.
“May I talk with her?”
Again the small voice whispered, “No.”
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child
“Is there any one there besides you?” the boss asked the child.
“Yes,” whispered the child, “A policeman.”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked “May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy,” whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?” asked the boss.
“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
“A hello-copper,” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” asked the boss, now alarmed in an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.”
Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, “Why are they there?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle…
“They’re looking for me.”
A Mr.Smith was on his death bed
They get back together to discuss
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.
He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?”
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?”
“Yes”, whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?” the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.”
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”
“Yes,” came the answer.
“May I talk with her?”
Again the small voice whispered, “No.”
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child
“Is there any one there besides you?” the boss asked the child.
“Yes,” whispered the child, “A policeman.”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked “May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy,” whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?” asked the boss.
“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
“A hello-copper,” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” asked the boss, now alarmed in an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.”
Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, “Why are they there?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle…
“They’re looking for me.”
A Mr.Smith was on his death bed
They get back together to discuss
12.
A Vicar goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.
The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.
The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.
The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.
The congregation had to help him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.
The Vicar explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn’t talk for more than 8 minutes.
The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes.
But, the third Sunday, he put his wife’s teeth in by mistake and he couldn’t shut up.
She noticed a sad man sitting on a bench
He didn’t speak for two years
A Vicar goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.
The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.
The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.
The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.
The congregation had to help him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.
The Vicar explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn’t talk for more than 8 minutes.
The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes.
But, the third Sunday, he put his wife’s teeth in by mistake and he couldn’t shut up.
She noticed a sad man sitting on a bench
He didn’t speak for two years
13.
Two Irishman, Mick and Paddy were walking home from the pub after drinking late night.
Mick says to Paddy,
“I can’t be bothered to walk all that way.”
“I know,” says Paddy,
“but we’ve no money for a cab and we’ve missed the last bus home.”
“We could steal a bus from the depot,” Mick suggests.
They arrive at the bus depot and Mick tells Paddy to go in and get a bus while he keeps a look-out…
After shuffling around for ages, Mick shouts,
“Paddy, what are you doing? Have you not found one yet?”
Paddy shouts back, “I can’t find a No. 91”
* * * * * *
“Oh Jesus Christ, ye thick sod, take the No. 14 and we’ll walk from the round about”.
Software Developer Monkey
Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment
Two Irishman, Mick and Paddy were walking home from the pub after drinking late night.
Mick says to Paddy,
“I can’t be bothered to walk all that way.”
“I know,” says Paddy,
“but we’ve no money for a cab and we’ve missed the last bus home.”
“We could steal a bus from the depot,” Mick suggests.
They arrive at the bus depot and Mick tells Paddy to go in and get a bus while he keeps a look-out…
After shuffling around for ages, Mick shouts,
“Paddy, what are you doing? Have you not found one yet?”
Paddy shouts back, “I can’t find a No. 91”
* * * * * *
“Oh Jesus Christ, ye thick sod, take the No. 14 and we’ll walk from the round about”.
Software Developer Monkey
Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment
14.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.
The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.
Holding hands, they walked back to their old school.
It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet.
Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home.
There, she counted the money fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, We’ve got to give it back.
Sally said, Finders keepers.
She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door.
Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?
Sally said, No.
Jerry said, Shes lying.
She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, Don’t believe him, hes getting senile
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.
Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ….
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, Were outta here!
A couple were talking on the phone
A young lady settled down in her local train
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.
The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.
Holding hands, they walked back to their old school.
It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet.
Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home.
There, she counted the money fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, We’ve got to give it back.
Sally said, Finders keepers.
She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door.
Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?
Sally said, No.
Jerry said, Shes lying.
She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, Don’t believe him, hes getting senile
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.
Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ….
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, Were outta here!
A couple were talking on the phone
A young lady settled down in her local train
15.
A wealthy boy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge.
He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent.
Hoping to impress her, he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass of wine.
He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said,
“Oh, Sherry by all means. To me, it’s the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I’m lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I’m about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I’m transported into another world. Port, on the other hand, makes me fart.”
A man walks into a bar has a few drinks
A drunk comes stumbling into a bar
A wealthy boy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge.
He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent.
Hoping to impress her, he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass of wine.
He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said,
“Oh, Sherry by all means. To me, it’s the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I’m lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I’m about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I’m transported into another world. Port, on the other hand, makes me fart.”
A man walks into a bar has a few drinks
A drunk comes stumbling into a bar
16.
The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used “Forgive Your Enemies” as his subject.
After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies.
About half held up their hands not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question this time he received a response of about 80 percent.
Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his question with all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.
“Mrs Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”
“I don’t have any.”
“Mrs Jones, that is very unusual, how old are you?”
“Ninety three.”
“Mrs Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to be ninety-three, and not have an enemy in the world.”
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said: “It’s easy, I just outlived the bitches.”
The two were at the same table
The disciple asked the master
The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used “Forgive Your Enemies” as his subject.
After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies.
About half held up their hands not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question this time he received a response of about 80 percent.
Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his question with all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.
“Mrs Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”
“I don’t have any.”
“Mrs Jones, that is very unusual, how old are you?”
“Ninety three.”
“Mrs Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to be ninety-three, and not have an enemy in the world.”
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said: “It’s easy, I just outlived the bitches.”
The two were at the same table
The disciple asked the master
17.
One day Little Johnny’s class is having an English lesson.
The teacher asks them, “Who can use the word intelligent in a sentence?”
Little Mary says, “The teacher is very intelligent.”
The teacher asks them, “Who can use the word fashionable in a sentence?” Little Suzie says,
“They are very fashionable.” The teacher says,
“Johnny, why don’t you have a go? Use the word dictate in a sentence.”
Johnny thinks for a moment and then says,
“Last night I heard Daddy asking Mommy ‘Darling how does my dictate
Man looks at his friend
A priest is walking down the river
One day Little Johnny’s class is having an English lesson.
The teacher asks them, “Who can use the word intelligent in a sentence?”
Little Mary says, “The teacher is very intelligent.”
The teacher asks them, “Who can use the word fashionable in a sentence?” Little Suzie says,
“They are very fashionable.” The teacher says,
“Johnny, why don’t you have a go? Use the word dictate in a sentence.”
Johnny thinks for a moment and then says,
“Last night I heard Daddy asking Mommy ‘Darling how does my dictate
Man looks at his friend
A priest is walking down the river
18.
A waiter takes an order from a customer who requests half a Caesar salad.
The waiter responds, “Well, we offer a small and a large. Would you like the small?”
The customer replies, “No, I don’t want a small or a large. I want half a Caesar salad. Why is that so difficult?”
The waiter says, “Alright… let me check with the chef.”
He heads toward the kitchen, unaware that the customer has left his table and is following closely behind.
Reaching the kitchen, the waiter tells the chef, “There’s a guy out there asking for half a Caesar salad…” He points toward the dining area with his palm, only to realize the customer is standing right behind him.
“And this distinguished gentleman,” the waiter quickly adds, “would like the other half.”
The owner of a company tells his employees
A little girl received a tea
A waiter takes an order from a customer who requests half a Caesar salad.
The waiter responds, “Well, we offer a small and a large. Would you like the small?”
The customer replies, “No, I don’t want a small or a large. I want half a Caesar salad. Why is that so difficult?”
The waiter says, “Alright… let me check with the chef.”
He heads toward the kitchen, unaware that the customer has left his table and is following closely behind.
Reaching the kitchen, the waiter tells the chef, “There’s a guy out there asking for half a Caesar salad…” He points toward the dining area with his palm, only to realize the customer is standing right behind him.
“And this distinguished gentleman,” the waiter quickly adds, “would like the other half.”
The owner of a company tells his employees
A little girl received a tea
19.
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing.”
“What do they say?” the priest inquired.
“They say, ‘Hi, we’re call girl do you want to have some fun?’” the woman said embarrassingly.
“That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed, “I can see why you are embarrassed.”
He thought a minute and then said, “You know, I may have a solution to this problem.
I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job.
My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship.
I’m sure your parrots will stop saying that…that phrase in no time.”
“Thank you,” the lady responded, “this may very well be the solution.”
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house.
As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, “Hi, we’re call girl do you want to have some fun?” There was a stunned silence.
Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, “Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!”
Yesterday I was at my local supermarket
The story goes that some time ago
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing.”
“What do they say?” the priest inquired.
“They say, ‘Hi, we’re call girl do you want to have some fun?’” the woman said embarrassingly.
“That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed, “I can see why you are embarrassed.”
He thought a minute and then said, “You know, I may have a solution to this problem.
I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job.
My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship.
I’m sure your parrots will stop saying that…that phrase in no time.”
“Thank you,” the lady responded, “this may very well be the solution.”
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house.
As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, “Hi, we’re call girl do you want to have some fun?” There was a stunned silence.
Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, “Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!”
Yesterday I was at my local supermarket
The story goes that some time ago
20.
A man goes into a cafe and sits down.
A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, “What’s the special of the day?”
“Chili,” she says, “but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl.”
The man says he’ll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it.
As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten.
“Are you going to eat your chili?” he asked.
“No, help yourself,” replied his neighbor.
The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili.
When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl.
Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl.
The man sitting next to him says, “Yeah, that’s as far as I got, too.”
A old lady was stopped
The defense lawyer asks Sam
A man goes into a cafe and sits down.
A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, “What’s the special of the day?”
“Chili,” she says, “but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl.”
The man says he’ll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it.
As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten.
“Are you going to eat your chili?” he asked.
“No, help yourself,” replied his neighbor.
The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili.
When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl.
Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl.
The man sitting next to him says, “Yeah, that’s as far as I got, too.”
A old lady was stopped
The defense lawyer asks Sam
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21.
There’s a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half an hour.
Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man crying.”
“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I’m late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”
A cop pulls over a carload of nuns
Jones came into the office an hour late
There’s a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half an hour.
Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man crying.”
“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I’m late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”
A cop pulls over a carload of nuns
Jones came into the office an hour late
22.
A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business.
When the gorgeous woman next to him started to feed her baby.
The baby wouldn’t take it so she said,
“Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I’ll have to give it to this nice man next to us.”
Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding,
So she said, “Come on, honey. Take it or I’ll give it to this nice man here.”
A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, “Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!”
Ma and Pa were two old hillbillies
He walks into a bakery to meet with owner
A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business.
When the gorgeous woman next to him started to feed her baby.
The baby wouldn’t take it so she said,
“Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I’ll have to give it to this nice man next to us.”
Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding,
So she said, “Come on, honey. Take it or I’ll give it to this nice man here.”
A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, “Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!”
Ma and Pa were two old hillbillies
He walks into a bakery to meet with owner
23.
A guy is walking down the street with his friend.
He says to his friend, “I’m just a walking economy.”
His friend replies, “What do you mean?”
“It’s like this: My hairline is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression.
Two kids are arguing
A woman meets a man in a bar
A guy is walking down the street with his friend.
He says to his friend, “I’m just a walking economy.”
His friend replies, “What do you mean?”
“It’s like this: My hairline is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression.
Two kids are arguing
A woman meets a man in a bar
24.
A guy asked a girl in the library.
“Do you mind if I sit beside you?”
The girl answered with a loud voice.
“I don’t want to spend the night with you.”
All the students in the library started staring at the guy and he was embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and told him.
“I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking.
I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”
The guy responded with a loud voice.
“$200 just for one night? That’s too much”
And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock and the boy whispered in her ears.
I study law and I know how to make someone guilty.”
She gets out of bed
Three men and woman are travelling on a train
A guy asked a girl in the library.
“Do you mind if I sit beside you?”
The girl answered with a loud voice.
“I don’t want to spend the night with you.”
All the students in the library started staring at the guy and he was embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and told him.
“I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking.
I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”
The guy responded with a loud voice.
“$200 just for one night? That’s too much”
And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock and the boy whispered in her ears.
I study law and I know how to make someone guilty.”
She gets out of bed
Three men and woman are travelling on a train
25.
A senior citizens group charters a bus for an overnight gambling casino trip:
An elderly woman comes up to the bus driver and says.
“I’ve just been molested!”
The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream.
So he tells her to go back to her seat and sit down.
A short time later, another old woman comes forward and claims that she was just flirted.
The driver thought he had a busload of old wackos, but who would be flirting with these old ladies?
About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she’d too.
The bus driver decides that he’d had enough and pulls into the first rest area.
When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.
“Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?” Says the bus driver.
“I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I tried to grab it, it gets up and runs away!”
A old man and his wife are in bed
A old lady calls 911 late one night
A senior citizens group charters a bus for an overnight gambling casino trip:
An elderly woman comes up to the bus driver and says.
“I’ve just been molested!”
The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream.
So he tells her to go back to her seat and sit down.
A short time later, another old woman comes forward and claims that she was just flirted.
The driver thought he had a busload of old wackos, but who would be flirting with these old ladies?
About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she’d too.
The bus driver decides that he’d had enough and pulls into the first rest area.
When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.
“Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?” Says the bus driver.
“I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I tried to grab it, it gets up and runs away!”
A old man and his wife are in bed
A old lady calls 911 late one night
26.
One evening, a family sat down for dinner.
The mother served fish and cauliflower.
They were all eating, until the boy, chewing on his fish, found a bone.
He pulled it out of his mouth and asked, “Mom, what do I do with this?”
“Put it where you’re sure you won’t eat it,” said his mother.
So the boy carefully stuck it into his cauliflower.
A son challenged his father game of golf
A gentleman enters a restaurant
One evening, a family sat down for dinner.
The mother served fish and cauliflower.
They were all eating, until the boy, chewing on his fish, found a bone.
He pulled it out of his mouth and asked, “Mom, what do I do with this?”
“Put it where you’re sure you won’t eat it,” said his mother.
So the boy carefully stuck it into his cauliflower.
A son challenged his father game of golf
A gentleman enters a restaurant
27.
A young couple decided to wed.
As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive.
Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.
The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice.
“Father,” he said, “I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage.
I love my fiancee, very much, but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I’m afraid that my future wife will be put off by them.”
“No problem,” said dad, “all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed.”
Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.
The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up her mom.
“Mom,” she said, “When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful.”
“Honey,” her mother consoled, “everyone has bad breath in the morning.”
“No, you don’t understand. My morning breath is so bad, I’m afraid that my new husband will not want to sleep in the same room with me.”
Her mother said simply, “Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the bathroom and brush your teeth.
The key is, not to say a word until you’ve brushed your teeth. Not a word,” her mother affirmed.
Well, she thought it was certainly worth a try.
The loving couple were finally married in a beautiful ceremony.
Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well.
That is, until about six months later.
Shortly before dawn, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off.
Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed.
This, of course, woke his bride and without thinking, she immediately asks, “What on earth are you doing?”
“Oh, no!” he gasped in shock, “You’ve swallowed my sock!”
The bride tells her husband
A wife told her dream to her husband
A young couple decided to wed.
As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive.
Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.
The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice.
“Father,” he said, “I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage.
I love my fiancee, very much, but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I’m afraid that my future wife will be put off by them.”
“No problem,” said dad, “all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed.”
Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.
The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up her mom.
“Mom,” she said, “When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful.”
“Honey,” her mother consoled, “everyone has bad breath in the morning.”
“No, you don’t understand. My morning breath is so bad, I’m afraid that my new husband will not want to sleep in the same room with me.”
Her mother said simply, “Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the bathroom and brush your teeth.
The key is, not to say a word until you’ve brushed your teeth. Not a word,” her mother affirmed.
Well, she thought it was certainly worth a try.
The loving couple were finally married in a beautiful ceremony.
Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well.
That is, until about six months later.
Shortly before dawn, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off.
Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed.
This, of course, woke his bride and without thinking, she immediately asks, “What on earth are you doing?”
“Oh, no!” he gasped in shock, “You’ve swallowed my sock!”
The bride tells her husband
A wife told her dream to her husband
28.
A wife asked her husband to drop her off at a friend’s house, where a wedding reception was taking place.
He responded that he would be too busy throughout the day in the office, and gave her some money to take a taxi.
He left for the office.
The wife took a Taxi to the wedding reception, there she met a fine Girl and they got talking to each other.
Soon they became friends.
In the evening when everyone was leaving, the Girl asked the Woman how she was going home.
She replied that her husband was too busy in the office to pick her up so she would use a taxi.
The Girl responded, “My boyfriend brought me here and would be coming to pick me up. I just spoke to him on the phone and he’s on his way. Why don’t you join me in his car and we would drop you at your house.”
The woman agreed.
A few minutes later, her husband’s car arrived.
The Girl jumped into the front passengers seat of the car and asked the Woman to sit at the backseat, which she did confused and perturbed.
Then the Girl introduced her new friend to her boyfriend.
When the man turned around to greet the woman, he recognized her as his wife.
Nothing much was said along the way.
He dropped the wife at home first as planned and proceeded to drop the Girl at her house.
The question now is: If you were the wife, what would you do when your husband returns home?
If you were the husband, what would you say to your wife when you return home.
What would you do if you are the wife?
A husband and wife came to see a therapist
A Italian couple is their honeymoon
A wife asked her husband to drop her off at a friend’s house, where a wedding reception was taking place.
He responded that he would be too busy throughout the day in the office, and gave her some money to take a taxi.
He left for the office.
The wife took a Taxi to the wedding reception, there she met a fine Girl and they got talking to each other.
Soon they became friends.
In the evening when everyone was leaving, the Girl asked the Woman how she was going home.
She replied that her husband was too busy in the office to pick her up so she would use a taxi.
The Girl responded, “My boyfriend brought me here and would be coming to pick me up. I just spoke to him on the phone and he’s on his way. Why don’t you join me in his car and we would drop you at your house.”
The woman agreed.
A few minutes later, her husband’s car arrived.
The Girl jumped into the front passengers seat of the car and asked the Woman to sit at the backseat, which she did confused and perturbed.
Then the Girl introduced her new friend to her boyfriend.
When the man turned around to greet the woman, he recognized her as his wife.
Nothing much was said along the way.
He dropped the wife at home first as planned and proceeded to drop the Girl at her house.
The question now is: If you were the wife, what would you do when your husband returns home?
If you were the husband, what would you say to your wife when you return home.
What would you do if you are the wife?
A husband and wife came to see a therapist
A Italian couple is their honeymoon
29.
A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.
She was still feeling bloated from lunch, so she was fearful of farting in front of her date, who hadn’t arrived yet.
It wasn’t long before she actually did let one out, but she managed to cover up the sound with a fake cough.
She continued waiting for her date to arrive, but wanted to make sure everything was perfect.
As she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.
Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, she turns to the waiter and demands “Stop that!”
The waiter looks at her dryly and says “Certainly, madam. Which way was it headed?”
Mr. Smith goes to the doctor
A burglar broke into a house one night
A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.
She was still feeling bloated from lunch, so she was fearful of farting in front of her date, who hadn’t arrived yet.
It wasn’t long before she actually did let one out, but she managed to cover up the sound with a fake cough.
She continued waiting for her date to arrive, but wanted to make sure everything was perfect.
As she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.
Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, she turns to the waiter and demands “Stop that!”
The waiter looks at her dryly and says “Certainly, madam. Which way was it headed?”
Mr. Smith goes to the doctor
A burglar broke into a house one night
30.
A young couple moves into a new neighborhood.
The next morning while they are eating breakfast.
The young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside…
“That laundry is not very clean”, she said.
“She doesn’t know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.”
Her husband looked on but remained silent.
Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry,
The young woman would make the same comments.
About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband:
“Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this.”
The husband said, “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.”
And so it is with life. What we see when watching others depends on the purity of the window through which we look.
Wife questioned her husband about his new secretary
A elderly couple walk into a restaurant
A young couple moves into a new neighborhood.
The next morning while they are eating breakfast.
The young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside…
“That laundry is not very clean”, she said.
“She doesn’t know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.”
Her husband looked on but remained silent.
Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry,
The young woman would make the same comments.
About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband:
“Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this.”
The husband said, “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.”
And so it is with life. What we see when watching others depends on the purity of the window through which we look.
Wife questioned her husband about his new secretary
A elderly couple walk into a restaurant
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