1.
A little bird was flying south for the winter.
It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
A burglar broke into house
God Will Save Me
A little bird was flying south for the winter.
It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
A burglar broke into house
God Will Save Me
2.
Wife sends a text message to her husband on a really cold winter morning:
Windows are totally frozen, will not open.
Husband replies:
“Carefully pour some warm water over it and tap the edges first with your hand, if that doesn’t work, then gently with a hammer.”
15 minutes later, the wife texts back:
“Oh no, I think the laptop is now totally gone.”
A man dreams that he is a chicken
A guy walks up to a caretaker in a dog shelter
Wife sends a text message to her husband on a really cold winter morning:
Windows are totally frozen, will not open.
Husband replies:
“Carefully pour some warm water over it and tap the edges first with your hand, if that doesn’t work, then gently with a hammer.”
15 minutes later, the wife texts back:
“Oh no, I think the laptop is now totally gone.”
A man dreams that he is a chicken
A guy walks up to a caretaker in a dog shelter
3.
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital.
The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery.
He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure.
The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby,
thus reducing her own.
The man quickly agreed.
The doctor warned him, though, that there was a slight bug in the machine that caused it to amplify the pain sent to the father by ten times, and if the pain became too much for to bear would he please let the doctor know.
The doctor turned on the machine and watched the man.
The man said he felt absolutely fine and he could take more.
The doctor turned the dial up to 40, 60, 80, and finally 100% of the pain, times ten.
The woman delivered the baby painlessly and the doctor stared at the man, astonished at how he could not even flinch with that much pain brought upon him.
The couple took the new baby home.
There, on the front step, the mailman lay dead.
This woman’s husband had been slipping
Three guys are sitting around the campfire
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital.
The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery.
He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure.
The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby,
thus reducing her own.
The man quickly agreed.
The doctor warned him, though, that there was a slight bug in the machine that caused it to amplify the pain sent to the father by ten times, and if the pain became too much for to bear would he please let the doctor know.
The doctor turned on the machine and watched the man.
The man said he felt absolutely fine and he could take more.
The doctor turned the dial up to 40, 60, 80, and finally 100% of the pain, times ten.
The woman delivered the baby painlessly and the doctor stared at the man, astonished at how he could not even flinch with that much pain brought upon him.
The couple took the new baby home.
There, on the front step, the mailman lay dead.
This woman’s husband had been slipping
Three guys are sitting around the campfire
4.
A man calls the hospital.
He shouts into the receiver,
“You gotta send some help, and fast! My wife’s going into labor!”
The nurse says, “Calm down. Is this her first child?”
“No!” he shouts back. “This is her husband!”
A little boy asked his father
A drunkard was brought to court
A man calls the hospital.
He shouts into the receiver,
“You gotta send some help, and fast! My wife’s going into labor!”
The nurse says, “Calm down. Is this her first child?”
“No!” he shouts back. “This is her husband!”
A little boy asked his father
A drunkard was brought to court
5.
Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine.
Suddenly, she burst out laughing.
“Listen to this,” she said.
“There’s a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium.”
“Hmmm,” her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, Sarah said, “Would you swap me for a season ticket?”
“Absolutely not,” he said.
“How sweet,” Sarah said. “Tell me why not.”
“Season’s more than half over,” he said.
A man in a bar sees a friend
A man was being interviewed for a job
Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine.
Suddenly, she burst out laughing.
“Listen to this,” she said.
“There’s a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium.”
“Hmmm,” her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, Sarah said, “Would you swap me for a season ticket?”
“Absolutely not,” he said.
“How sweet,” Sarah said. “Tell me why not.”
“Season’s more than half over,” he said.
A man in a bar sees a friend
A man was being interviewed for a job
6.
Three drunkards were walking down the street when they came upon a pile of manure where they stopped.
The first drunkard, upon observation of the manure said to the other two, “Looks like it…”
The second, bending over it and sniffing, said to the other two, “smells like it…”
The third, sticking his finger in it, said, “feels like it.”
“Good thing we didn’t step in it”, they all agreed as they turned and walked away.
A blonde struggling with her weight
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down
Three drunkards were walking down the street when they came upon a pile of manure where they stopped.
The first drunkard, upon observation of the manure said to the other two, “Looks like it…”
The second, bending over it and sniffing, said to the other two, “smells like it…”
The third, sticking his finger in it, said, “feels like it.”
“Good thing we didn’t step in it”, they all agreed as they turned and walked away.
A blonde struggling with her weight
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down
7.
A young lad was visiting a church for the first time, checking all the announcements and posters along the walls.
When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby usher, “Who are all those men in the pictures?”
The usher replied, “Why, those are our boys who died in the service”.
Dumbfounded, the youngster asked, “Was that the morning service or the evening service?”
A blonde enters a store that sells curtains
A elderly priest dies and goes to heaven
A young lad was visiting a church for the first time, checking all the announcements and posters along the walls.
When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby usher, “Who are all those men in the pictures?”
The usher replied, “Why, those are our boys who died in the service”.
Dumbfounded, the youngster asked, “Was that the morning service or the evening service?”
A blonde enters a store that sells curtains
A elderly priest dies and goes to heaven
8.
The man said to the dentist, “Doc, I’m in a hurry.
I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it.”
The man continues, “We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and its 9:30 already.
I don’t have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!”.
The dentist thought to himself, my goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.
So the dentist asked him, “Which tooth is it, sir?”
The man turned to his wife and said:
“Open your mouth, honey, and show him.”
The boy had nails into the fence
The big Alligator
The man said to the dentist, “Doc, I’m in a hurry.
I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it.”
The man continues, “We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and its 9:30 already.
I don’t have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!”.
The dentist thought to himself, my goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.
So the dentist asked him, “Which tooth is it, sir?”
The man turned to his wife and said:
“Open your mouth, honey, and show him.”
The boy had nails into the fence
The big Alligator
9.
A store owner was tacking a sign above his door that read “Puppies For Sale.”
Signs like that have a way of attracting small children, and sure enough, a little boy appeared under the store owner’s sign.
“How much are you going to sell the puppies for?” he asked.
The store owner replied, “Anywhere from $30 to $50.”
The little boy reached in his pocket and pulled out some change.
“I have $2.37,” he said,
“Can I please look at them?”
The store owner smiled and whistled and out of the kennel came Lady, who ran down the aisle of his store followed by five teeny, tiny balls of fur.
One puppy was lagging considerably behind.
Immediately the little boy singled out the lagging, limping puppy and said, “What’s wrong with that little dog?”
The store owner explained that the veterinarian had examined the little puppy and had discovered it didn’t have a hip socket.
It would always limp.
It would always be lame.
The little boy became excited.
“That is the puppy that I want to buy.”
The store owner said, “No, you don’t want to buy that little dog If you really want him, I’ll just give him to you.”
The little boy got quite upset.
He looked straight into the store owner’s eyes, pointing his finger, and said, “I don’t want you to give him to me
That little dog is worth every bit as much as all the other dogs and I’ll pay full price in fact, I’ll give you $2.37 now, and 50 cents a month until I have him paid for.”
The store owner countered, “You really don’t want to buy this little dog.He is never going to be able to run and jump and play with you like the other puppies.”
To his surprise, the little boy reached down and rolled up his pant leg to reveal a badly twisted, crippled left leg supported by a big metal brace.
He looked up at the store owner and softly replied, “Well, I don’t run so well myself, and the little puppy will need someone who understands!”
We ALL need someone who Understands!
Mrs Jones told her pastor
Johnny was sitting in class
A store owner was tacking a sign above his door that read “Puppies For Sale.”
Signs like that have a way of attracting small children, and sure enough, a little boy appeared under the store owner’s sign.
“How much are you going to sell the puppies for?” he asked.
The store owner replied, “Anywhere from $30 to $50.”
The little boy reached in his pocket and pulled out some change.
“I have $2.37,” he said,
“Can I please look at them?”
The store owner smiled and whistled and out of the kennel came Lady, who ran down the aisle of his store followed by five teeny, tiny balls of fur.
One puppy was lagging considerably behind.
Immediately the little boy singled out the lagging, limping puppy and said, “What’s wrong with that little dog?”
The store owner explained that the veterinarian had examined the little puppy and had discovered it didn’t have a hip socket.
It would always limp.
It would always be lame.
The little boy became excited.
“That is the puppy that I want to buy.”
The store owner said, “No, you don’t want to buy that little dog If you really want him, I’ll just give him to you.”
The little boy got quite upset.
He looked straight into the store owner’s eyes, pointing his finger, and said, “I don’t want you to give him to me
That little dog is worth every bit as much as all the other dogs and I’ll pay full price in fact, I’ll give you $2.37 now, and 50 cents a month until I have him paid for.”
The store owner countered, “You really don’t want to buy this little dog.He is never going to be able to run and jump and play with you like the other puppies.”
To his surprise, the little boy reached down and rolled up his pant leg to reveal a badly twisted, crippled left leg supported by a big metal brace.
He looked up at the store owner and softly replied, “Well, I don’t run so well myself, and the little puppy will need someone who understands!”
We ALL need someone who Understands!
Mrs Jones told her pastor
Johnny was sitting in class
10.
Bob was in trouble.
He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really angry.
She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!”
The next morning he got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
Ralph is driving home
A lady goes to the doctor
Bob was in trouble.
He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really angry.
She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!”
The next morning he got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
Ralph is driving home
A lady goes to the doctor
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11.
Wife’s Diary: Tonight, I thought Tom was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.
I was shopping with my friends all day long; and I was a little late for our date.
Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late; but he made no comment on it.
So I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk
He agreed, but he didn’t say much
I asked him what was wrong; He said, ‘Nothing.’ I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset..
He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it
On the way home, I told him that I loved him
He smiled slightly, and kept driving
I can’t explain his behavior I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV
He continued to seem distant and absent
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed
But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep – I cried
I don’t know what to do
I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
Husband’s Diary:
Mower won’t start, can’t figure out why.
The parish priest with a question
A farmer from the cotton fields
Wife’s Diary: Tonight, I thought Tom was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.
I was shopping with my friends all day long; and I was a little late for our date.
Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late; but he made no comment on it.
So I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk
He agreed, but he didn’t say much
I asked him what was wrong; He said, ‘Nothing.’ I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset..
He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it
On the way home, I told him that I loved him
He smiled slightly, and kept driving
I can’t explain his behavior I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV
He continued to seem distant and absent
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed
But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep – I cried
I don’t know what to do
I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
Husband’s Diary:
Mower won’t start, can’t figure out why.
The parish priest with a question
A farmer from the cotton fields
12.
After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket.
He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.
The fisherman says to the warden, “I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets.
Everyday I come done to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day.”
The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license.
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, “If you don’t believe me then watch,” as he throws the lobsters back into the water.
The warden says, “Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water.”
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, “What lobsters ?”
Santa was traveling in a train
A Texan goes to Toronto for a vacation
After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket.
He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.
The fisherman says to the warden, “I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets.
Everyday I come done to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day.”
The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license.
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, “If you don’t believe me then watch,” as he throws the lobsters back into the water.
The warden says, “Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water.”
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, “What lobsters ?”
Santa was traveling in a train
A Texan goes to Toronto for a vacation
13.
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.
She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?” Her mother replied,
“Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”
After the wedding he lays down the law
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.
She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?” Her mother replied,
“Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”
After the wedding he lays down the law
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed
14.
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home one day when there’s a knock at the door,
Mandela opens the door and there’s a Japanese man standing there,
Mandela asks him what he wants and the Japanese guy says he has the cars for him.
Mandela says he didn’t order any cars but the Japanese guy is insistent and points to the fully loaded car transporter outside.
Mandela again, argues that he didn’t order any cars, the two continue arguing for some time until eventually the Japanese guy storms off to his truck to get the paperwork.
He comes back waving the papers in Nelsons face, see he says “you are Nissan main dealer
A prist is drowing
A hunter had been out hunting bear
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home one day when there’s a knock at the door,
Mandela opens the door and there’s a Japanese man standing there,
Mandela asks him what he wants and the Japanese guy says he has the cars for him.
Mandela says he didn’t order any cars but the Japanese guy is insistent and points to the fully loaded car transporter outside.
Mandela again, argues that he didn’t order any cars, the two continue arguing for some time until eventually the Japanese guy storms off to his truck to get the paperwork.
He comes back waving the papers in Nelsons face, see he says “you are Nissan main dealer
A prist is drowing
A hunter had been out hunting bear
15.
A woman went shopping.
At the cash counter, she opened her purse to pay.
The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse:
He could not control his curiosity and ask.
“Do you always carry your TV remote with you?”
She replied. “No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany me shopping today because of football match, so I took the remote.”
The cashier laughed and then returned all the items that the lady had purchased.
Shocked at this act. She asked the cashier what he was doing.
He said. “Your husband has blocked your credit card.”
A old man goes to his doctor
Martin and his wife Debbie walk into a dentist
A woman went shopping.
At the cash counter, she opened her purse to pay.
The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse:
He could not control his curiosity and ask.
“Do you always carry your TV remote with you?”
She replied. “No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany me shopping today because of football match, so I took the remote.”
The cashier laughed and then returned all the items that the lady had purchased.
Shocked at this act. She asked the cashier what he was doing.
He said. “Your husband has blocked your credit card.”
A old man goes to his doctor
Martin and his wife Debbie walk into a dentist
16.
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, ‘Harry, what’s your problem?’
Harry answered, ‘I’m too smart for the 1st grade.
My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!’
Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test.
If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.
She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: ‘What is 3 x 3?’
Harry: ‘9.’
Principal: ‘What is 6 x 6?’
Harry: ’36.’
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, ‘I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade’
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, ‘Let me ask him some questions..’
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms.. Brooks asks, ‘What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?’
Harry, after a moment: ‘Legs..’
Ms Brooks: ‘What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?’
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: ‘Pockets.’
Ms. Brooks: ‘What does a dog do that a man steps into?’
Harry: ‘Pants.’
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: ‘What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?’
The principal’ s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied,’Bubble gum.’
Ms. Brooks: ‘What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?’
Harry: ‘Shake hands.’
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: ‘What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?’
Harry: ‘Firetruck.’
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, ‘Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong
A man is in a hotel lobby
A man escapes a prison
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, ‘Harry, what’s your problem?’
Harry answered, ‘I’m too smart for the 1st grade.
My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!’
Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test.
If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.
She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: ‘What is 3 x 3?’
Harry: ‘9.’
Principal: ‘What is 6 x 6?’
Harry: ’36.’
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, ‘I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade’
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, ‘Let me ask him some questions..’
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms.. Brooks asks, ‘What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?’
Harry, after a moment: ‘Legs..’
Ms Brooks: ‘What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?’
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: ‘Pockets.’
Ms. Brooks: ‘What does a dog do that a man steps into?’
Harry: ‘Pants.’
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: ‘What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?’
The principal’ s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied,’Bubble gum.’
Ms. Brooks: ‘What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?’
Harry: ‘Shake hands.’
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: ‘What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?’
Harry: ‘Firetruck.’
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, ‘Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong
A man is in a hotel lobby
A man escapes a prison
17.
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning.
“I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows.
“Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door and there is man standing at the door It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
“Hi there.” slurs the stranger, “Can you give me a push?”
“No, get lost, it’s half past three I was in bed.” says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says,
Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again?
What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?
“But the guy was drunk.” says the husband.
“It doesn’t matter.” says the wife.
“He needs your help.”
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts:
“Hey, do you still want a push?”
He hears a voice cry out, “Yeah please.”
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: “Where are you?”
And the stranger replies: “I’m over here, on your swing.”
A woman’s husband had been slipping in coma
Three Brothers Get Married
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning.
“I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows.
“Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door and there is man standing at the door It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
“Hi there.” slurs the stranger, “Can you give me a push?”
“No, get lost, it’s half past three I was in bed.” says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says,
Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again?
What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?
“But the guy was drunk.” says the husband.
“It doesn’t matter.” says the wife.
“He needs your help.”
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts:
“Hey, do you still want a push?”
He hears a voice cry out, “Yeah please.”
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: “Where are you?”
And the stranger replies: “I’m over here, on your swing.”
A woman’s husband had been slipping in coma
Three Brothers Get Married
18.
A cop pulls a car over for going 20 mph on the highway.
The driver is a little old lady, and there are two old ladies in the back seat.
The cop asks, “Why were you driving just 20 miles per hour?”
The old lady responds, “I was just going the posted speed limit!” and points to a sign up ahead.
The cop smiles and says, “That’s not the speed limit sign, that’s the sign for this highway Route 20!”
One of the old ladies in the back gasps out, “We tried to tell you, Eugenia!”
The cop takes another look at the old women in the back and sees that they are wide-eyed and disheveled.
One of them is tightly gripping the door handle.
“What’s the matter?” the cop asks.
She responds, “We just came off of Interstate 190.”
A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet
Two very old men were having a conversation
A cop pulls a car over for going 20 mph on the highway.
The driver is a little old lady, and there are two old ladies in the back seat.
The cop asks, “Why were you driving just 20 miles per hour?”
The old lady responds, “I was just going the posted speed limit!” and points to a sign up ahead.
The cop smiles and says, “That’s not the speed limit sign, that’s the sign for this highway Route 20!”
One of the old ladies in the back gasps out, “We tried to tell you, Eugenia!”
The cop takes another look at the old women in the back and sees that they are wide-eyed and disheveled.
One of them is tightly gripping the door handle.
“What’s the matter?” the cop asks.
She responds, “We just came off of Interstate 190.”
A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet
Two very old men were having a conversation
19.
Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in.
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc.
While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two’s hand.
Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, “What is this?” to which accountant number one replies, “it’s that $50 I owe you.”
A little guy sitting at a bar drinking a beer
She noticed several machetes in the car
Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in.
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc.
While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two’s hand.
Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, “What is this?” to which accountant number one replies, “it’s that $50 I owe you.”
A little guy sitting at a bar drinking a beer
She noticed several machetes in the car
20.
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.
The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife,
“Dear, there is something that I must ask you It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children.”
Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away.
But, I must know, did he have a different father?”
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed.
“Yes, Yes he did.”
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected.
With a tear in his eye he asks,
“Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she says, “You.”
A elderly couple sitting down to lunch
A elderly couple was just settled down for bed
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.
The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife,
“Dear, there is something that I must ask you It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children.”
Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away.
But, I must know, did he have a different father?”
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed.
“Yes, Yes he did.”
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected.
With a tear in his eye he asks,
“Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she says, “You.”
A elderly couple sitting down to lunch
A elderly couple was just settled down for bed
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21.
Three guys were drinking in a pub.
Two of them were talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remained quiet.
After a while one of the first two turned to the third and said, Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?
The third fellow said, I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.
The first two guys were amazed. Wow! What happened then? they asked.
The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed, and uttered, She said, Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.
A man enters a barbershop for a shave
A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress
Three guys were drinking in a pub.
Two of them were talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remained quiet.
After a while one of the first two turned to the third and said, Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?
The third fellow said, I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.
The first two guys were amazed. Wow! What happened then? they asked.
The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed, and uttered, She said, Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.
A man enters a barbershop for a shave
A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress
22.
A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said,
“The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!”
They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
“Leave us alone, you religious nuts!” yelled the first driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard a big splash.
“Do you think,” said one clergy to the other, we should just put up a sign that says ‘bridge out’ instead?
The man came to his pastor
One night the Nasreddin Hodja
A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said,
“The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!”
They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
“Leave us alone, you religious nuts!” yelled the first driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard a big splash.
“Do you think,” said one clergy to the other, we should just put up a sign that says ‘bridge out’ instead?
The man came to his pastor
One night the Nasreddin Hodja
23.
Two old men are sat on a bench at the park.
A young, smoking hot girl runs past in a sports corset and a tiny pair of shorts.
One of the men smiles and this brings the girl over.
“Why are you staring at me and grinning, you pervert?” she says.
The old man sweetly replies “My dear I’m not smiling at you, I’m smiling at the thought that no matter how bad the world gets,
there will always be young, pretty girls in the summer to cheer up a lonely old man.”
The girl replies “awwwww you sweet old man” leans in and gives him a kiss on the cheek and jogs on.
The old man turns to his friend and says “3 to zip mugley, your turn.”
A female teacher was having a problem
A Blonde bought a brand new Car
Two old men are sat on a bench at the park.
A young, smoking hot girl runs past in a sports corset and a tiny pair of shorts.
One of the men smiles and this brings the girl over.
“Why are you staring at me and grinning, you pervert?” she says.
The old man sweetly replies “My dear I’m not smiling at you, I’m smiling at the thought that no matter how bad the world gets,
there will always be young, pretty girls in the summer to cheer up a lonely old man.”
The girl replies “awwwww you sweet old man” leans in and gives him a kiss on the cheek and jogs on.
The old man turns to his friend and says “3 to zip mugley, your turn.”
A female teacher was having a problem
A Blonde bought a brand new Car
24.
A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic.
The druggist asks, “Ma’am, what do you want with arsenic?”
The lady says, “To kill my husband.”
“I can’t sell you any for that reason,” says the druggist.
The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position, the man is her husband and the lady is the druggist’s wife, and shows it to the druggist.
He looks at the photo and says, “Oh I didn’t know you had a prescription!”
A nurse at hospital received a call
A man hasn’t been feeling well
A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic.
The druggist asks, “Ma’am, what do you want with arsenic?”
The lady says, “To kill my husband.”
“I can’t sell you any for that reason,” says the druggist.
The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position, the man is her husband and the lady is the druggist’s wife, and shows it to the druggist.
He looks at the photo and says, “Oh I didn’t know you had a prescription!”
A nurse at hospital received a call
A man hasn’t been feeling well
25.
Little Johnny and Billy were engaging in the time-honored tradition of a verbal battle like little boys all over the world.
“My Father is better than your Father!” Billy declared.
“No, he’s not!” Johnny responded.
“My brother is better than you brother!” Billy said.
“He is not! He is not!” Yelled Little Johnny.
“My Mother is better than your Mother!” Billy continued.
A long pause ensued, then Little Johnny said, “Well, I guess ya got me there. I’ve heard my Father say the same thing more than once.”
They decided to go for a swim
Peter comes very drunk home
Little Johnny and Billy were engaging in the time-honored tradition of a verbal battle like little boys all over the world.
“My Father is better than your Father!” Billy declared.
“No, he’s not!” Johnny responded.
“My brother is better than you brother!” Billy said.
“He is not! He is not!” Yelled Little Johnny.
“My Mother is better than your Mother!” Billy continued.
A long pause ensued, then Little Johnny said, “Well, I guess ya got me there. I’ve heard my Father say the same thing more than once.”
They decided to go for a swim
Peter comes very drunk home
26.
A husband said to his wife, “Honey, I have invited a friend home for supper tonight.”
As expected, the wife wasn’t happy at being imposed upon during what she imagined to be a quiet evening.
His wife replied, “What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn’t have time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight!”
The husband said, “I know all that.”
The wife looked on at him with incredulity.
She wondered when she would ever get a little peace.
“Why in the world did you invite your friend for supper tonight?” asked the wife.
The guy answered, “Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married.”
A elderly couple were having an elegant dinner
A couple that had been married
A husband said to his wife, “Honey, I have invited a friend home for supper tonight.”
As expected, the wife wasn’t happy at being imposed upon during what she imagined to be a quiet evening.
His wife replied, “What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn’t have time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight!”
The husband said, “I know all that.”
The wife looked on at him with incredulity.
She wondered when she would ever get a little peace.
“Why in the world did you invite your friend for supper tonight?” asked the wife.
The guy answered, “Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married.”
A elderly couple were having an elegant dinner
A couple that had been married
27.
Little Johnny spends a rare weekend with his dad:
“Son, this is your weekend, have anything you want. Ask and ye shall receive.”
After a little thought, Johnny says.
“Dad, dad, dad, I want a donkey.”
The father wasn’t expecting this strange request, but he was a man of his word.
“Okay son, Ask and ye shall receive.”
The next day, they go to the local pets at home and buy a donkey.
When they get it home the Little Johnny chirps.
“Dad, can I call the donkey Wanker?”
“Don’t be so….” And then dad remembers the promise.
“Of course son. Wanker it is.”
Johnny then spends a fantastic day getting to know his new pet.
That evening, they tie the donkey up in the garden.
The next morning, Little Johnny wakes up early and looks out of the window, to his horror the donkey has broken free, jumped the fence and is nonchalantly munching grass half a mile away.
Johnny panics and runs into his dad’s bedroom.
“Dad, dad, dad. Wanker’s off over the field.”
“Look Johnny, I know I made a promise, but there are limits!”
A lady went into the pharmacy
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool
Little Johnny spends a rare weekend with his dad:
“Son, this is your weekend, have anything you want. Ask and ye shall receive.”
After a little thought, Johnny says.
“Dad, dad, dad, I want a donkey.”
The father wasn’t expecting this strange request, but he was a man of his word.
“Okay son, Ask and ye shall receive.”
The next day, they go to the local pets at home and buy a donkey.
When they get it home the Little Johnny chirps.
“Dad, can I call the donkey Wanker?”
“Don’t be so….” And then dad remembers the promise.
“Of course son. Wanker it is.”
Johnny then spends a fantastic day getting to know his new pet.
That evening, they tie the donkey up in the garden.
The next morning, Little Johnny wakes up early and looks out of the window, to his horror the donkey has broken free, jumped the fence and is nonchalantly munching grass half a mile away.
Johnny panics and runs into his dad’s bedroom.
“Dad, dad, dad. Wanker’s off over the field.”
“Look Johnny, I know I made a promise, but there are limits!”
A lady went into the pharmacy
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool
28.
A couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar.
She recognized him as an old flame.
“Honey,” she said to her husband, as she pointed out the man, “that guy at the bar has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago.”
Her husband said, “That’s silly, no one celebrates that much!”
A little boy comes down for breakfast
Joey was asked by his mother
A couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar.
She recognized him as an old flame.
“Honey,” she said to her husband, as she pointed out the man, “that guy at the bar has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago.”
Her husband said, “That’s silly, no one celebrates that much!”
A little boy comes down for breakfast
Joey was asked by his mother
29.
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for a half hour.
Then a big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking.
Here, I’ll buy you another drink I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”
“No, it’s not that,” the man replies, wiping his tears,
“This day is the worst of my life first, I oversleep and I go in late to my office.
My outraged boss fires me
When I leave the building to go to my car, I find out it was stolen.
The police say they can do nothing
I get a cab to go home, and when I get out, I remember I left my wallet.
The cab driver just drives away.
I go inside my house where I find my wife in bed with the gardener.
I leave my home, come to this bar, and just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”
Every day Nasreddin went to beg
Two men were sitting in a pub drinking
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for a half hour.
Then a big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking.
Here, I’ll buy you another drink I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”
“No, it’s not that,” the man replies, wiping his tears,
“This day is the worst of my life first, I oversleep and I go in late to my office.
My outraged boss fires me
When I leave the building to go to my car, I find out it was stolen.
The police say they can do nothing
I get a cab to go home, and when I get out, I remember I left my wallet.
The cab driver just drives away.
I go inside my house where I find my wife in bed with the gardener.
I leave my home, come to this bar, and just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”
Every day Nasreddin went to beg
Two men were sitting in a pub drinking
30.
This young couple invited their parson for Sunday dinner.
While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their young son what they were having.
“Goat,” the little boy replied.
“Goat?” replied the startled man of the cloth.
“Are you sure about that?”
“Yep,” said the youngster.
“I heard Pa say to Ma, ‘Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'”
A girl came skipping home from school
A young couple were driving down
This young couple invited their parson for Sunday dinner.
While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their young son what they were having.
“Goat,” the little boy replied.
“Goat?” replied the startled man of the cloth.
“Are you sure about that?”
“Yep,” said the youngster.
“I heard Pa say to Ma, ‘Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'”
A girl came skipping home from school
A young couple were driving down
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