1.
Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.
The passenger, Bubba, said, “Looked their up ahead, Earl, it’s a police roadblock! We’re gonna get busted fer drinking’ these here beers!!”
“Don’t worry, Bubba,” Earl said.
“We’ll just pull over and finish drinking’ these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.”
“What fer?” asked Bubba.
“Just let me do the talkin’, OK?” said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, “You boys been drinking’?”
“No sir,” Earl said. “We’re on the patch.”
Joe had asked Bob to help
A woman takes her daughter to doctor
Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.
The passenger, Bubba, said, “Looked their up ahead, Earl, it’s a police roadblock! We’re gonna get busted fer drinking’ these here beers!!”
“Don’t worry, Bubba,” Earl said.
“We’ll just pull over and finish drinking’ these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.”
“What fer?” asked Bubba.
“Just let me do the talkin’, OK?” said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, “You boys been drinking’?”
“No sir,” Earl said. “We’re on the patch.”
Joe had asked Bob to help
A woman takes her daughter to doctor
2.
A young couple moved into a new neighborhood.
The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside.
“That laundry is not very clean,” she said.
“She doesn’t know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.”
Her husband looked on, but remained silent.
Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.
About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband: “Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?”
The husband said, “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.”
A 15 year old Little Johnny comes home
A guy took his blonde girlfriend
A young couple moved into a new neighborhood.
The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside.
“That laundry is not very clean,” she said.
“She doesn’t know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.”
Her husband looked on, but remained silent.
Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.
About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband: “Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?”
The husband said, “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.”
A 15 year old Little Johnny comes home
A guy took his blonde girlfriend
3.
A man is talking to a local at the pub. He goes and introduces himself.
The man then turns to the local and asks, “Have you heard my name before— perhaps in the news?”
The local replies “No Sir, I have not.”
The man explains how he had “Won the title of the World’s Most Gullible Man”.
The local remarks in awe, and asks, “Wow! How does it feel to be the World’s Most Gullible Man?”
The man replies saying, “I don’t remember, I recently lost the title.”
The local excited by such such news asks, “My god, when did this happen?”
The man looks at the local, grinning from ear to ear and replies, “Just now.”
There was this boy called James
A guy finds his dog with the neighbor’s pet
A man is talking to a local at the pub. He goes and introduces himself.
The man then turns to the local and asks, “Have you heard my name before— perhaps in the news?”
The local replies “No Sir, I have not.”
The man explains how he had “Won the title of the World’s Most Gullible Man”.
The local remarks in awe, and asks, “Wow! How does it feel to be the World’s Most Gullible Man?”
The man replies saying, “I don’t remember, I recently lost the title.”
The local excited by such such news asks, “My god, when did this happen?”
The man looks at the local, grinning from ear to ear and replies, “Just now.”
There was this boy called James
A guy finds his dog with the neighbor’s pet
4.
Attending a wedding for the first time,
A little girl whispered to her mother,
“Why is the bride dressed in white?”
“Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life,”
Her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said,
“So, why’s the groom wearing black?”
A couple went on vacation to a fishing
A Married Couple Are Golfing
Attending a wedding for the first time,
A little girl whispered to her mother,
“Why is the bride dressed in white?”
“Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life,”
Her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said,
“So, why’s the groom wearing black?”
A couple went on vacation to a fishing
A Married Couple Are Golfing
5.
Nurse: “How old are you?”
Patient: “None of your business.”
Nurse: “But the doctor must know your age for his records. Please, just tell me, I’m going to find it out anyway.”
Patient: “Well, first, multiply twenty by two, then add ten. Got that?”
Nurse: “Yes. Fifty.”
Patient: “All right, now subtract fifty, and tell me, what do you get?”
Nurse: “Zero.”
Patient: “Right. And that’s exactly the chance of me telling you my age.”
9-year old son comes home
A Italian girl tells her Mom
Nurse: “How old are you?”
Patient: “None of your business.”
Nurse: “But the doctor must know your age for his records. Please, just tell me, I’m going to find it out anyway.”
Patient: “Well, first, multiply twenty by two, then add ten. Got that?”
Nurse: “Yes. Fifty.”
Patient: “All right, now subtract fifty, and tell me, what do you get?”
Nurse: “Zero.”
Patient: “Right. And that’s exactly the chance of me telling you my age.”
9-year old son comes home
A Italian girl tells her Mom
6.
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work…
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman’s husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, “Dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes, it is.”
Boy – “I have a baseball.”
Man – “That’s nice.”
Boy – “Want to buy it?”
Man – “No, thanks.”
Boy – “My dad’s outside.”
Man – “OK, how much?”
Boy – “$150”
Man – “Fine, fine, just be quiet.”
A few weeks later the husband arrives early again.
The lover, now practiced, dives into the closet just in time.
He breathes heavily, then hears a sudden rustle behind him.
“Dark in here.”
Man – “Yes, it is.”
Boy – “I have a Wilson infielder’s glove.”
The lover sighs. “How much?”
Boy – “$350”
Man – “Highway robbery. Sold.”
A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your gloves, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.”
The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my ball and my glove.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
The boy says, “$500” The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess your greed.”
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again, you’re in my closet now.”
A young pure couple is finally wed
How old are you
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work…
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman’s husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, “Dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes, it is.”
Boy – “I have a baseball.”
Man – “That’s nice.”
Boy – “Want to buy it?”
Man – “No, thanks.”
Boy – “My dad’s outside.”
Man – “OK, how much?”
Boy – “$150”
Man – “Fine, fine, just be quiet.”
A few weeks later the husband arrives early again.
The lover, now practiced, dives into the closet just in time.
He breathes heavily, then hears a sudden rustle behind him.
“Dark in here.”
Man – “Yes, it is.”
Boy – “I have a Wilson infielder’s glove.”
The lover sighs. “How much?”
Boy – “$350”
Man – “Highway robbery. Sold.”
A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your gloves, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.”
The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my ball and my glove.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
The boy says, “$500” The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess your greed.”
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again, you’re in my closet now.”
A young pure couple is finally wed
How old are you
7.
A couple had just gotten married and where alone together on their first night.
This was to be the first time they had made love and it was while her new husband was getting undressed that she noticed a few things about him.
As her husband took off his trousers, the wife noticed that his knees were all mangled and scared.
She asked him what at happened and the husband explained “as a child I had kneasels”
“Kneesels?” she asked, “what on earth is that?”
He replied, “Kneaseles are like measeles except they only affect the knees”.
He continued to undress and as he pulled off his socks his wife looked at his toes and found that they two were all mangled and scared.
She asked about this and he replied, “oh as a child I had tolio”.
“Tolio?” she asked, “what on earth is that”
He explained, “Tolio is like polio except it only affects the toes”.
As he began to remove his boxer shorts she shouted, “Don’t tell me, let me guess small cox”.
A Blonde bought a brand new Car
A little boy first day in school
A couple had just gotten married and where alone together on their first night.
This was to be the first time they had made love and it was while her new husband was getting undressed that she noticed a few things about him.
As her husband took off his trousers, the wife noticed that his knees were all mangled and scared.
She asked him what at happened and the husband explained “as a child I had kneasels”
“Kneesels?” she asked, “what on earth is that?”
He replied, “Kneaseles are like measeles except they only affect the knees”.
He continued to undress and as he pulled off his socks his wife looked at his toes and found that they two were all mangled and scared.
She asked about this and he replied, “oh as a child I had tolio”.
“Tolio?” she asked, “what on earth is that”
He explained, “Tolio is like polio except it only affects the toes”.
As he began to remove his boxer shorts she shouted, “Don’t tell me, let me guess small cox”.
A Blonde bought a brand new Car
A little boy first day in school
8.
A beautiful young model boarded a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section.
She looked at the seats in economy, and then looked into the forward cabin at the luxurious first-class seats.
Seeing that the first-class seats appeared to be much larger and more comfortable, she moved forward to the last empty seat in first-class.
The flight attendant checked her ticket and told the woman that her seat was in economy.
The blonde replied, “I’m a famous model, and I’ve never had this problem before. I’m going to sit here all the way, until we get to New York.”
Flustered, the flight attendant went to the cockpit and informed the captain of the problem.
The captain went back and told the woman that her assigned seat was in economy.
Again, the blonde replied: “I’m a famous model. I’m sitting here all the way to New York.”
The captain didn’t want to cause a commotion, and so returned to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot.
The co-pilot said that he used to date a model like her, and that he could take care of the problem.
He then went back and briefly whispered something in the blonde’s ear.
She immediately got up and said, “okay, thank you”.
She then hugged the co-pilot, and rushed back to her seat in the economy section.
The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, asked the Co-pilot what he had said to the woman.
He replied, “I just told her that the first-class seats aren’t going to New York.”
A woman went to a pet shop
A blonde goes to a salon for a haircut
A beautiful young model boarded a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section.
She looked at the seats in economy, and then looked into the forward cabin at the luxurious first-class seats.
Seeing that the first-class seats appeared to be much larger and more comfortable, she moved forward to the last empty seat in first-class.
The flight attendant checked her ticket and told the woman that her seat was in economy.
The blonde replied, “I’m a famous model, and I’ve never had this problem before. I’m going to sit here all the way, until we get to New York.”
Flustered, the flight attendant went to the cockpit and informed the captain of the problem.
The captain went back and told the woman that her assigned seat was in economy.
Again, the blonde replied: “I’m a famous model. I’m sitting here all the way to New York.”
The captain didn’t want to cause a commotion, and so returned to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot.
The co-pilot said that he used to date a model like her, and that he could take care of the problem.
He then went back and briefly whispered something in the blonde’s ear.
She immediately got up and said, “okay, thank you”.
She then hugged the co-pilot, and rushed back to her seat in the economy section.
The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, asked the Co-pilot what he had said to the woman.
He replied, “I just told her that the first-class seats aren’t going to New York.”
A woman went to a pet shop
A blonde goes to a salon for a haircut
9.
Bill Gates goes to purgatory.
St.Peter says, “Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things.
Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go”.
First, St.Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches.
Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds.
Bill chooses Hell.
About a week later, St.Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons.
Bill says to St.Peter, “What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?”
St.Peter replies, “That was just the screen saver.”
Two elderly grandparents
The three wishes by the Fairy mother
Bill Gates goes to purgatory.
St.Peter says, “Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things.
Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go”.
First, St.Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches.
Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds.
Bill chooses Hell.
About a week later, St.Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons.
Bill says to St.Peter, “What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?”
St.Peter replies, “That was just the screen saver.”
Two elderly grandparents
The three wishes by the Fairy mother
10.
A Blonde bought a brand new Car and decided to drive down from some place far off, to meet this friend.
She reached there in a few hours.
After spending a few days there, she decided to return, and called up her mother to expect her in the evening.
But she didn’t reach home in the evening and not the next day either.
When she finally reached home on the third day, her distraught mother ran and asked her “What Happened?”
She got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said,
“Oh these car designers, those people are crazy! They have four gears for going forward, but only one for going back!”
Two old men are sat on a bench
A couple on their first night
A Blonde bought a brand new Car and decided to drive down from some place far off, to meet this friend.
She reached there in a few hours.
After spending a few days there, she decided to return, and called up her mother to expect her in the evening.
But she didn’t reach home in the evening and not the next day either.
When she finally reached home on the third day, her distraught mother ran and asked her “What Happened?”
She got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said,
“Oh these car designers, those people are crazy! They have four gears for going forward, but only one for going back!”
Two old men are sat on a bench
A couple on their first night
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11.
If you let me touch your wife’s bum and smack it, i will pay you $100,000 says a guy to his best friend.
His friend gets furious and asks him to mind what he is saying.
Later in the evening the best friend tells this incident to his wife, and she got more angry at him to deny such an offer.
She says, “you can stand right there with us, he is not gonna make love me.
I mean $100,000 for touching and smacking my bum is worth it, we can buy hell lot of stuff”.
The husband agrees and calls his friend over the next day to touch and smack his wife’s bum.
Everyone is in the room now, the wife comes over, removes her skirt and his friend starts touching and feeling his wife’s bum.
Two minutes passed and he is still touching and feeling it.
The husband got angry and screamed, “yo idiot, smack the bum now, enough”
The friend replied, “how can I smack dude, I don’t have $100,000.
Grandpa what is couple
A woman meets a man in a bar
If you let me touch your wife’s bum and smack it, i will pay you $100,000 says a guy to his best friend.
His friend gets furious and asks him to mind what he is saying.
Later in the evening the best friend tells this incident to his wife, and she got more angry at him to deny such an offer.
She says, “you can stand right there with us, he is not gonna make love me.
I mean $100,000 for touching and smacking my bum is worth it, we can buy hell lot of stuff”.
The husband agrees and calls his friend over the next day to touch and smack his wife’s bum.
Everyone is in the room now, the wife comes over, removes her skirt and his friend starts touching and feeling his wife’s bum.
Two minutes passed and he is still touching and feeling it.
The husband got angry and screamed, “yo idiot, smack the bum now, enough”
The friend replied, “how can I smack dude, I don’t have $100,000.
Grandpa what is couple
A woman meets a man in a bar
12.
An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows.
‘Twenty pounds,’ she whispers.
Paddy had never been with a call girl before but decides what the hell, it’s only twenty pounds.
So they hid in the bushes.
They’re going ‘at it’ for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them.
It is a Police Officer.
Allo, Allo, Allo, What’s going on ‘ere, people? asks the cop.
‘Ta be shure, Oi’m making love to me missus,’ Paddy answers, sounding annoyed.
‘Oh, I’m sorry,’ says the cop,
‘I didn’t know.’
‘Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that bloody light in her face!’
Three little boys visiting their grandparents
Teacher asked a question to kids
An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows.
‘Twenty pounds,’ she whispers.
Paddy had never been with a call girl before but decides what the hell, it’s only twenty pounds.
So they hid in the bushes.
They’re going ‘at it’ for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them.
It is a Police Officer.
Allo, Allo, Allo, What’s going on ‘ere, people? asks the cop.
‘Ta be shure, Oi’m making love to me missus,’ Paddy answers, sounding annoyed.
‘Oh, I’m sorry,’ says the cop,
‘I didn’t know.’
‘Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that bloody light in her face!’
Three little boys visiting their grandparents
Teacher asked a question to kids
13.
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guy a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.
“This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The first guy answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!”
The policeman says, “Well… uh… that’s because the picture I showed is his side profile.”
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The second guy smiles and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!”
The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it’s a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks,
“This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
He quickly adds, “Think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”
The guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “The suspect wears contact lenses.”
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
“Well, that’s an interesting answer wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.”
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
“Wow! I can’t believe it. It’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”
“That’s easy,” the guy replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”
A motorcycle police officer
A man had a parrot of which
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guy a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.
“This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The first guy answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!”
The policeman says, “Well… uh… that’s because the picture I showed is his side profile.”
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The second guy smiles and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!”
The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it’s a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks,
“This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
He quickly adds, “Think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”
The guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “The suspect wears contact lenses.”
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
“Well, that’s an interesting answer wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.”
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
“Wow! I can’t believe it. It’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”
“That’s easy,” the guy replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”
A motorcycle police officer
A man had a parrot of which
14.
Some scientists created a machine that automatically counts people’s swears when it’s near them, the machine was a big circle with arrows in the middle that would point to the number of swears.
So they bring it to a office building and after a couple days they come back and see the counter is in the 80s.
They then take it to a restaurant and when they come back it’s up around 150.
Finnally the bring it to a daycare center when they come back a couple days later, they can’t find the machine anywhere so they ask a kid hey where did our counter5000 go.
To which the kid replies “oh that, it’s arrows started spinning like a helicopter and it flew away”
Sorry this joke was originally in Russian I tried my best to translate
Two cannibals were walling down the street
An ant is lying in its deathbed in North Korea
Some scientists created a machine that automatically counts people’s swears when it’s near them, the machine was a big circle with arrows in the middle that would point to the number of swears.
So they bring it to a office building and after a couple days they come back and see the counter is in the 80s.
They then take it to a restaurant and when they come back it’s up around 150.
Finnally the bring it to a daycare center when they come back a couple days later, they can’t find the machine anywhere so they ask a kid hey where did our counter5000 go.
To which the kid replies “oh that, it’s arrows started spinning like a helicopter and it flew away”
Sorry this joke was originally in Russian I tried my best to translate
Two cannibals were walling down the street
An ant is lying in its deathbed in North Korea
15.
A guy goes to a girl’s house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room.
She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to get them some snacks and drinks.
As he’s standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantle.
He picks it up, and as he’s looking at it, she walks back in. He says, “What’s this?”
She says, “Oh, my father’s ashes are in there.”
He turns beet red in horror and goes, “Geez, oh . . . I . . .”
She says, “Yeah, he’s too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray.”
A old billionaire marries a young girl
A little girl was in church with her mother
A guy goes to a girl’s house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room.
She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to get them some snacks and drinks.
As he’s standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantle.
He picks it up, and as he’s looking at it, she walks back in. He says, “What’s this?”
She says, “Oh, my father’s ashes are in there.”
He turns beet red in horror and goes, “Geez, oh . . . I . . .”
She says, “Yeah, he’s too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray.”
A old billionaire marries a young girl
A little girl was in church with her mother
16.
The old man was a witness in a burglary trial.
The defense lawyer asks Sam, “Did you see my client commit this burglary?”
“Yes,” said Sam , “I saw him plainly take the goods.”
The lawyer asks Sam again, “Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?”
“Yes” says Sam, “I saw him do it.”
Then the lawyer asks Sam, “Sam listen, you are 80 years old and your eyesight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?”
Sam says, “I can see the moon, how far is that?”
A waitress comes to take his order
Johnny was at school and the teacher said
The old man was a witness in a burglary trial.
The defense lawyer asks Sam, “Did you see my client commit this burglary?”
“Yes,” said Sam , “I saw him plainly take the goods.”
The lawyer asks Sam again, “Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?”
“Yes” says Sam, “I saw him do it.”
Then the lawyer asks Sam, “Sam listen, you are 80 years old and your eyesight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?”
Sam says, “I can see the moon, how far is that?”
A waitress comes to take his order
Johnny was at school and the teacher said
17.
A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one night, the farmer feeling a little frisky, reaches over and gives his wife’s melons a little feel and says,
“Mother, if this could give milk, we could get rid of the cow.”
His hand then travels down to her crotch, and he says, “Mother, if this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens.”
His wife then reaches over and grabs his weapon.
“Father, if this could stay hard, we could get rid of your brother.”
A man scolded his son
What is politics
A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one night, the farmer feeling a little frisky, reaches over and gives his wife’s melons a little feel and says,
“Mother, if this could give milk, we could get rid of the cow.”
His hand then travels down to her crotch, and he says, “Mother, if this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens.”
His wife then reaches over and grabs his weapon.
“Father, if this could stay hard, we could get rid of your brother.”
A man scolded his son
What is politics
18.
A man walk into a supermarket and notices a beautiful woman staring at him.
She stares for quite some time, so finally the man asked “Do I know you?”
The woman answers “I think your the father of one of my kids”.
The man thinks for a minute then realizes this kid she is talking about must be the result of the one and only time he ever cheated on his wife.
So he says to the woman “are you the stripper that was at my best friends bachelor party about 5 years ago?”
“You know, the one I had make love with on the pool table while your friend spanked my bum with a whip?”
The woman looks at him horrified and says “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”
The doctor came in and said
A father asks his 10-year-old son
A man walk into a supermarket and notices a beautiful woman staring at him.
She stares for quite some time, so finally the man asked “Do I know you?”
The woman answers “I think your the father of one of my kids”.
The man thinks for a minute then realizes this kid she is talking about must be the result of the one and only time he ever cheated on his wife.
So he says to the woman “are you the stripper that was at my best friends bachelor party about 5 years ago?”
“You know, the one I had make love with on the pool table while your friend spanked my bum with a whip?”
The woman looks at him horrified and says “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”
The doctor came in and said
A father asks his 10-year-old son
19.
Two blonde gals went together to play the slot machines at the casino.
Each agreed that when her allotted money was gone, she would go to the front of the casino and sit on the bench to wait for the other.
Trixie quickly lost all her money and went to sit on the bench.
She waited and waited.
After what seemed an eternity, she finally saw Patty coming toward her, carrying this huge sack of coins.
“Hey, Trixie,” said Patty, “how’d you do?” “Not very good,” came the reply.
“I’ve been waiting here for hours.”
Patty said: “You should have been with me did I ever find a good machine! It’s way in the back. Come! I’ll show it to you can’t lose! Ever time you put a dollar in, you win four quarters!”
A blonde is terribly overweight
A software engineer saw a bull pulling a cart
Two blonde gals went together to play the slot machines at the casino.
Each agreed that when her allotted money was gone, she would go to the front of the casino and sit on the bench to wait for the other.
Trixie quickly lost all her money and went to sit on the bench.
She waited and waited.
After what seemed an eternity, she finally saw Patty coming toward her, carrying this huge sack of coins.
“Hey, Trixie,” said Patty, “how’d you do?” “Not very good,” came the reply.
“I’ve been waiting here for hours.”
Patty said: “You should have been with me did I ever find a good machine! It’s way in the back. Come! I’ll show it to you can’t lose! Ever time you put a dollar in, you win four quarters!”
A blonde is terribly overweight
A software engineer saw a bull pulling a cart
20.
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.
A sign comes up that reads “Low bridge ahead.”
Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck huh?”
The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”
A woman with a minor injury
A neighbor asked his friend
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.
A sign comes up that reads “Low bridge ahead.”
Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck huh?”
The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”
A woman with a minor injury
A neighbor asked his friend
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21.
There’s a couple that has been dating for a while.
As much as he wants to, she won’t sleep with him, because she’s saving her purity for marriage.
Just as they were kissing, he was becoming hotter and hotter, and he said,
“Oh come on, just a feeling.”
To which she replies, “No, I’m saving myself for marriage!”
They went back and forth.
He said, “Just one feel, I promise, that’s all, just one feel.”
She finally agreed, “Okay, just one feel, but that’s all, just one, I’m saving myself for marriage.”
So he puts his hand down her underwear and takes a little feel.
Things are getting a lot warmer and he asks, “Can’t we please?”
She of course states, “NO, I’m saving myself for marriage.”
He says, “Please, please?” and she says,
“No, absolutely not, I’m saving myself for marriage.”
He says, “How about if I agree to only just put the tip in?”
She says, “No way, I’m saving myself for marriage.”
He begs and pleads with her, “I promise, just the tip, no more,and we’ll stop after that.”
She finally gives in, “Okay, but just the t!p, no more, and that’s all.”
He says okay and pulls down her underwear and puts the tip in he’s so hot and ready that he can’t control himself shoves it the whole way in and starts going to town she meanwhile is moaning and groaning and shouts,
“Okay, go ahead and put it the whole way in!!”
A little stunned, he says, “No no…absolutely not, a deals a deal!”
The grandfather spend time with his grandson
A husband and wife get up on Sunday
There’s a couple that has been dating for a while.
As much as he wants to, she won’t sleep with him, because she’s saving her purity for marriage.
Just as they were kissing, he was becoming hotter and hotter, and he said,
“Oh come on, just a feeling.”
To which she replies, “No, I’m saving myself for marriage!”
They went back and forth.
He said, “Just one feel, I promise, that’s all, just one feel.”
She finally agreed, “Okay, just one feel, but that’s all, just one, I’m saving myself for marriage.”
So he puts his hand down her underwear and takes a little feel.
Things are getting a lot warmer and he asks, “Can’t we please?”
She of course states, “NO, I’m saving myself for marriage.”
He says, “Please, please?” and she says,
“No, absolutely not, I’m saving myself for marriage.”
He says, “How about if I agree to only just put the tip in?”
She says, “No way, I’m saving myself for marriage.”
He begs and pleads with her, “I promise, just the tip, no more,and we’ll stop after that.”
She finally gives in, “Okay, but just the t!p, no more, and that’s all.”
He says okay and pulls down her underwear and puts the tip in he’s so hot and ready that he can’t control himself shoves it the whole way in and starts going to town she meanwhile is moaning and groaning and shouts,
“Okay, go ahead and put it the whole way in!!”
A little stunned, he says, “No no…absolutely not, a deals a deal!”
The grandfather spend time with his grandson
A husband and wife get up on Sunday
22.
A very cranky old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store.
She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away.
She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.
When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store.
The lady defiantly replied, “Just a stupid can of peaches.”
The judge then asked why she had done it.
She replied, “I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store.”
The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.
She replied in a nasty tone, “Nine! But why do you care about that?”
The judge answered patiently, “Well, ma’am because I’m going to give you nine days in jail one day for each peach.”
As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady’s long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak.
The judge said, “Yes sir, what do you have to add?”
The husband said meekly, “Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas.”
A elderly couple a priest and a doctor
Alan’s wife called him as he was at pub
A very cranky old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store.
She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away.
She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.
When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store.
The lady defiantly replied, “Just a stupid can of peaches.”
The judge then asked why she had done it.
She replied, “I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store.”
The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.
She replied in a nasty tone, “Nine! But why do you care about that?”
The judge answered patiently, “Well, ma’am because I’m going to give you nine days in jail one day for each peach.”
As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady’s long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak.
The judge said, “Yes sir, what do you have to add?”
The husband said meekly, “Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas.”
A elderly couple a priest and a doctor
Alan’s wife called him as he was at pub
23.
A drunk stumbled out the door of the bar.
He stood on the corner waiting for the light.
He wife calls and asks if he is drunk.
The man replies, “Of course not!”
Being suspicious that he is drunk, she says, “Okay then, tell me where you are and I will come and get you.”
The drunk replies, “I am at the corner of WALK and DON’T WALK!”
A gentleman enters a restaurant
The teacher of the earth science class
A drunk stumbled out the door of the bar.
He stood on the corner waiting for the light.
He wife calls and asks if he is drunk.
The man replies, “Of course not!”
Being suspicious that he is drunk, she says, “Okay then, tell me where you are and I will come and get you.”
The drunk replies, “I am at the corner of WALK and DON’T WALK!”
A gentleman enters a restaurant
The teacher of the earth science class
24.
A Vicar goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.
The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.
The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.
The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.
The congregation had to help him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.
The Vicar explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn’t talk for more than 8 minutes.
The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes.
But, the third Sunday, he put his wife’s teeth in by mistake and he couldn’t shut up.
She noticed a sad man sitting on a bench
He didn’t speak for two years
A Vicar goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.
The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.
The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.
The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.
The congregation had to help him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.
The Vicar explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn’t talk for more than 8 minutes.
The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes.
But, the third Sunday, he put his wife’s teeth in by mistake and he couldn’t shut up.
She noticed a sad man sitting on a bench
He didn’t speak for two years
25.
A very shy guy goes into a pub on Valentine’s Day night and sees a beautiful young woman sitting alone at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I brought you a drink?”
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!”
Everyone in the pub started staring at them.
Naturally, the guy was terribly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table totally red faced.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m really sorry if I embarrassed you just then.
You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”
At this the guy responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean? $300?”
A huge guy marries a tiny girl
A Chinese man had three daughters
A very shy guy goes into a pub on Valentine’s Day night and sees a beautiful young woman sitting alone at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I brought you a drink?”
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!”
Everyone in the pub started staring at them.
Naturally, the guy was terribly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table totally red faced.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m really sorry if I embarrassed you just then.
You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”
At this the guy responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean? $300?”
A huge guy marries a tiny girl
A Chinese man had three daughters
26.
An 8 year old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him
“Grandpa what is couple make love?”
The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question,
but decided that if she was old enough to know to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer.
He proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and enjoys and responsibilities that go with it.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.
Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked, “why did you ask, Sweetie?
The little girl replied, “Well, grandma says to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.”
I was waiting on the sofa
If you let me touch your wife
An 8 year old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him
“Grandpa what is couple make love?”
The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question,
but decided that if she was old enough to know to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer.
He proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and enjoys and responsibilities that go with it.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.
Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked, “why did you ask, Sweetie?
The little girl replied, “Well, grandma says to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.”
I was waiting on the sofa
If you let me touch your wife
27.
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed.
He was driving his partner nuts finally his exasperated partner said: “What’s taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!”
The guy answered: “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse I want to make this a perfect shot.”
“Forget it, man,” said his partner.
“You don’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of hitting her from here!”
The painter Henri Matisse
A Drunk Man Was Sitting By A Pond
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed.
He was driving his partner nuts finally his exasperated partner said: “What’s taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!”
The guy answered: “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse I want to make this a perfect shot.”
“Forget it, man,” said his partner.
“You don’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of hitting her from here!”
The painter Henri Matisse
A Drunk Man Was Sitting By A Pond
28.
A man working in an IT company became sick.
He consulted many multi-facility hospitals but still couldn’t get cured…
He was sad.
Then his wife advised, “why don’t you consult a veterinary doctor?”
He was shocked.
He screamed at her, ‘Are you mad?’
She spoke softly ‘Nothing happened to me… It is you have a problem. You wake up early in the morning like cock, take a half bath like a crow, eat something like a monkey, and then run to the office like a racehorse, there you work like a donkey, and you scream to your juniors like a wild bear, evening you reach home and bark at us like a dog, then you eat like a crocodile, at night you go to bed and sleep like a buffalo.
That’s the reason why I asked you to meet a veterinary doctor.’
The man just sat and gaped at her.
The wife asked, Now why are u looking at me like an owl?’
A man goes into a pet shop
A man and his wife were driving
A man working in an IT company became sick.
He consulted many multi-facility hospitals but still couldn’t get cured…
He was sad.
Then his wife advised, “why don’t you consult a veterinary doctor?”
He was shocked.
He screamed at her, ‘Are you mad?’
She spoke softly ‘Nothing happened to me… It is you have a problem. You wake up early in the morning like cock, take a half bath like a crow, eat something like a monkey, and then run to the office like a racehorse, there you work like a donkey, and you scream to your juniors like a wild bear, evening you reach home and bark at us like a dog, then you eat like a crocodile, at night you go to bed and sleep like a buffalo.
That’s the reason why I asked you to meet a veterinary doctor.’
The man just sat and gaped at her.
The wife asked, Now why are u looking at me like an owl?’
A man goes into a pet shop
A man and his wife were driving
29.
Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”
Thomas replied, “Actually, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”
His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.”
A few months later they meet again and his friend says,
“Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”
With a frown on his face, Thomas answers,
“Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much.”
The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?”
Thomas replied, “My father doesn’t like her.”
One day he rushes into a lawyer
The junior executive had been complaining
Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”
Thomas replied, “Actually, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”
His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.”
A few months later they meet again and his friend says,
“Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”
With a frown on his face, Thomas answers,
“Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much.”
The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?”
Thomas replied, “My father doesn’t like her.”
One day he rushes into a lawyer
The junior executive had been complaining
30.
The judge looks sternly at the ex wife.
Judge: “why do you think you deserve custody of the child?”
Ex wife: “I brought him into this world so I should have custody of him”
Judge: “that is a simple yet good reason.”
Then the judge looks towards the Ex husband.
Judge: “why do you think you deserve custody of the child, sir?”
The ex husband thought long and hard about his response, after a brief moment of silence. He replies
Ex Husband: “if I put money into a Pepsi machine and a Pepsi comes out. Is it mine or the machines?”
A Dad and a Son were watching TV
A elderly couple learned how to send text messages
The judge looks sternly at the ex wife.
Judge: “why do you think you deserve custody of the child?”
Ex wife: “I brought him into this world so I should have custody of him”
Judge: “that is a simple yet good reason.”
Then the judge looks towards the Ex husband.
Judge: “why do you think you deserve custody of the child, sir?”
The ex husband thought long and hard about his response, after a brief moment of silence. He replies
Ex Husband: “if I put money into a Pepsi machine and a Pepsi comes out. Is it mine or the machines?”
A Dad and a Son were watching TV
A elderly couple learned how to send text messages
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