1.
An elderly priest dies and goes to heaven.
He soon finds himself in a line of souls going to St. Peter to enter heaven.
In no time at all, there’s only one person in front of him.
St Peter tells the man “ah yes, state your name and occupation.”
The man replies “Will Snicket, a taxi driver in New York City.”
St Peter looks at his list for a moment and says,
“yes, take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the kingdom of the Lord.”
The priest is next, St Peter asks him “your name and occupation.”
“Father Samuel, minister of the church of God”, the priest eagerly replies.
After perusing his list for a moment St Peter looks at the priest and says
“very well, take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the kingdom of the Lord.”
At hearing this the priest is indignant,
“What, but I’ve been faithfully serving the Lord all my life, why did that taxi driver get such amazing treatment compared to me.”
St Peter stares silently at the priest.
Finally, he replies, “my child, up here we work by results. While you preached people slept, but while he drove, people prayed.”
A young lad was visiting a church
A husband sends a text to his wife
An elderly priest dies and goes to heaven.
He soon finds himself in a line of souls going to St. Peter to enter heaven.
In no time at all, there’s only one person in front of him.
St Peter tells the man “ah yes, state your name and occupation.”
The man replies “Will Snicket, a taxi driver in New York City.”
St Peter looks at his list for a moment and says,
“yes, take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the kingdom of the Lord.”
The priest is next, St Peter asks him “your name and occupation.”
“Father Samuel, minister of the church of God”, the priest eagerly replies.
After perusing his list for a moment St Peter looks at the priest and says
“very well, take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the kingdom of the Lord.”
At hearing this the priest is indignant,
“What, but I’ve been faithfully serving the Lord all my life, why did that taxi driver get such amazing treatment compared to me.”
St Peter stares silently at the priest.
Finally, he replies, “my child, up here we work by results. While you preached people slept, but while he drove, people prayed.”
A young lad was visiting a church
A husband sends a text to his wife
2.
The new preacher moves his things into his new office and comes across the former pastor, taking his items out.
The former pastor says, “I left three envelopes in your desk.
If you have any trouble, open them.”
Well, of course the new preacher thinks he will never have to use them, but in his youthful enthusiasm, he tries to change the order the kids march in during Vacation Bible School.
Well, this makes the workers absolutely furious and there is a lot of ugly talk about the new pastor.
He remembers the envelopes and opens the first one.
It says, “You haven’t been here long, but you decided to make a change in the Vacation Bible School; now everyone is mad.
Tell everyone that the former preacher had told you this was how you preferred to do it.”
So the young preacher did that and it worked well.
He had been there about a year and a half when he tried to change the deacon position from being a life-long job to a position that rotated annually.
Well, this made the deacons really mad, and they were the ones who made his salary recommendation.
So he went back to the drawer and got the second envelope: “You did something to make the deacons mad and there’s talk of replacing you.
Tell them this is the official denominational policy; that you thought they wanted to comply, but it doesn’t make you any difference what they do.”
He tried this, and again it worked great.
You guesed it. After three years, he finally told the women’s organization that they were going to have to open the kitchen so that it could be used without a representative from the women’s group being present.
This put the women’s organization in open revolt.
So he went back to that third and final envelope: “You’ve been here about three years and you finally got the women’s organization mad.
The only thing to do is prepare three envelopes.
A man puts the phone on speaker
A older doctor stopped her
The new preacher moves his things into his new office and comes across the former pastor, taking his items out.
The former pastor says, “I left three envelopes in your desk.
If you have any trouble, open them.”
Well, of course the new preacher thinks he will never have to use them, but in his youthful enthusiasm, he tries to change the order the kids march in during Vacation Bible School.
Well, this makes the workers absolutely furious and there is a lot of ugly talk about the new pastor.
He remembers the envelopes and opens the first one.
It says, “You haven’t been here long, but you decided to make a change in the Vacation Bible School; now everyone is mad.
Tell everyone that the former preacher had told you this was how you preferred to do it.”
So the young preacher did that and it worked well.
He had been there about a year and a half when he tried to change the deacon position from being a life-long job to a position that rotated annually.
Well, this made the deacons really mad, and they were the ones who made his salary recommendation.
So he went back to the drawer and got the second envelope: “You did something to make the deacons mad and there’s talk of replacing you.
Tell them this is the official denominational policy; that you thought they wanted to comply, but it doesn’t make you any difference what they do.”
He tried this, and again it worked great.
You guesed it. After three years, he finally told the women’s organization that they were going to have to open the kitchen so that it could be used without a representative from the women’s group being present.
This put the women’s organization in open revolt.
So he went back to that third and final envelope: “You’ve been here about three years and you finally got the women’s organization mad.
The only thing to do is prepare three envelopes.
A man puts the phone on speaker
A older doctor stopped her
3.
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he’s lost.
Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction.
The poodle thinks, “Uh, oh!” Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?”
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
“Whew!” says the leopard. “That was close! That poodle nearly had me!”
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.
So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!”
Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear.
“Where’s that damn monkey?” the poodle says. “I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!”
She noticed several machetes in the car
The old lady was standing at the railing
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he’s lost.
Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction.
The poodle thinks, “Uh, oh!” Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?”
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
“Whew!” says the leopard. “That was close! That poodle nearly had me!”
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.
So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!”
Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear.
“Where’s that damn monkey?” the poodle says. “I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!”
She noticed several machetes in the car
The old lady was standing at the railing
4.
A man was being interviewed for a job.
“Were you in the service?” ask the interviewer.
“Yes, I was a marine,” responded the applicant.
“Did you see any active duty?”
“I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability.”
“May I ask what happened?”
“Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles.”
“You’re hired. You can start Monday at 10 am.”
“When does everyone else start? I don’t want any preferential treatment because of my disability.”
“Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you.
Nothing gets done between 7 and 10.
We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first.”
Sarah was reading a newspaper
A man walks into a bank and says
A man was being interviewed for a job.
“Were you in the service?” ask the interviewer.
“Yes, I was a marine,” responded the applicant.
“Did you see any active duty?”
“I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability.”
“May I ask what happened?”
“Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles.”
“You’re hired. You can start Monday at 10 am.”
“When does everyone else start? I don’t want any preferential treatment because of my disability.”
“Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you.
Nothing gets done between 7 and 10.
We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first.”
Sarah was reading a newspaper
A man walks into a bank and says
5.
“Mom, can I have an animal cracker?” asked 3 year old Bob.
“Sure Bob,” said his mom.
“Open up the box, and take a few.”
Forty five minutes later Bob’s mother walked into the kitchen.
“Bob, why’d you spill out all of the animal crackers, and what are you looking for?”
“It said on the box not to eat it if the seal is broken.”
Bob replied “I spilled out the whole box, I looked through all of the animals but I can’t find any seals!”
A husband and wife get up
Bobby was sitting porch talking to Grandpa
“Mom, can I have an animal cracker?” asked 3 year old Bob.
“Sure Bob,” said his mom.
“Open up the box, and take a few.”
Forty five minutes later Bob’s mother walked into the kitchen.
“Bob, why’d you spill out all of the animal crackers, and what are you looking for?”
“It said on the box not to eat it if the seal is broken.”
Bob replied “I spilled out the whole box, I looked through all of the animals but I can’t find any seals!”
A husband and wife get up
Bobby was sitting porch talking to Grandpa
6.
There was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.
A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, “Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?”
“Yup”
“What if you miss?”
He looks at the man, deadly serious. “I don’t miss…”.
“Okay, we’ll I’ve got $20,000.
I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They’re at the motel together right now.”
“Let’s go”, the assassin says.
So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof.
The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.
“They’re in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his d*ck off.”
The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.
“Well? What are you waiting for!?” the husband asks. “Hold on a minute. I think I can save you $10,000”.
A woman wanted to reach her husband
A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died
There was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.
A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, “Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?”
“Yup”
“What if you miss?”
He looks at the man, deadly serious. “I don’t miss…”.
“Okay, we’ll I’ve got $20,000.
I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They’re at the motel together right now.”
“Let’s go”, the assassin says.
So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof.
The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.
“They’re in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his d*ck off.”
The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.
“Well? What are you waiting for!?” the husband asks. “Hold on a minute. I think I can save you $10,000”.
A woman wanted to reach her husband
A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died
7.
A young lad was visiting a church for the first time, checking all the announcements and posters along the walls.
When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby usher, “Who are all those men in the pictures?”
The usher replied, “Why, those are our boys who died in the service”.
Dumbfounded, the youngster asked, “Was that the morning service or the evening service?”
A blonde enters a store that sells curtains
A elderly priest dies and goes to heaven
A young lad was visiting a church for the first time, checking all the announcements and posters along the walls.
When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby usher, “Who are all those men in the pictures?”
The usher replied, “Why, those are our boys who died in the service”.
Dumbfounded, the youngster asked, “Was that the morning service or the evening service?”
A blonde enters a store that sells curtains
A elderly priest dies and goes to heaven
8.
A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him.
So the first morning of her honeymoon when the young Japanese bride crawled out of the bed after making love and she stooped down to pick up her husband’s clothes and she let out a big fart.
She looked up and said, “Excuse please, front private part so happy back private part whistle!
A man took his wife to a Broadway show
A wife asked her husband to describe
A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him.
So the first morning of her honeymoon when the young Japanese bride crawled out of the bed after making love and she stooped down to pick up her husband’s clothes and she let out a big fart.
She looked up and said, “Excuse please, front private part so happy back private part whistle!
A man took his wife to a Broadway show
A wife asked her husband to describe
9.
A blonde went to the hospital because her body hurt.
She told the doctor that where ever she touched herself it would hurt.
The doctor told her to demonstrate.
She touched her elbow and it hurt.
She touched her calf and it hurt.
The doctor asked her if she was a blonde and she said yes.
“That’s why!!!!!!!!”
“Your finger is broken!”
A policeman stops a lady
After 25 years of marriage
A blonde went to the hospital because her body hurt.
She told the doctor that where ever she touched herself it would hurt.
The doctor told her to demonstrate.
She touched her elbow and it hurt.
She touched her calf and it hurt.
The doctor asked her if she was a blonde and she said yes.
“That’s why!!!!!!!!”
“Your finger is broken!”
A policeman stops a lady
After 25 years of marriage
10.
“I have an idea,” says the father.
He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table.
“If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker if he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”
So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they’re hiding.
The boy saunters over to the coffee table.
He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down.
He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down.
He picks up the Bible, leafs through it, and sets it down.
Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the Bible under his arm.
A Woman Wants A Compliment From Her Husband
So he asks his father
“I have an idea,” says the father.
He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table.
“If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker if he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”
So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they’re hiding.
The boy saunters over to the coffee table.
He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down.
He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down.
He picks up the Bible, leafs through it, and sets it down.
Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the Bible under his arm.
A Woman Wants A Compliment From Her Husband
So he asks his father
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11.
Two beggars live in a forest, near a city.
Naturally they are enemies, because they are in the same profession and in competition.
One is blind and one is lame and they are always quarreling about their clients.
You don’t know what beggars say about you they have their clients, they have their territories.
Beggars are continuously fighting there is great struggle and competition.
And those two beggars had been enemies for years, but one day the forest caught fire.
The blind man was perfectly able to walk and run, but it was dangerous.
He could not see whether he was going in the right direction, where there was no fire, or whether he was running through the fire towards more.
The lame man could not run on his own.
And the fire was spreading so fast and the winds were so strong, but he could see that there was still a possibility to get out.
There were a few places where the fire had not reached yet, but soon it would be reaching there.
Soon, they would be covered by fire from all over the place, they both forgot all their antagonism, competition.
This was not the time to fight, this was a time to unite.
And the blind man took upon his shoulders the lame man, and they became one personality.
Now they had eyes and they had legs, both.
The lame man could see, and direct where they had to run, and fast – and which directions had to be avoided.
And the blind man was strong enough to run, carrying the lame man on his shoulders.
They came out of the forest without being injured.
This ancient story is about your mind and your heart.
Your heart can see, but cannot say.
Your mind can say, but cannot see.
If you are capable of bringing your heart and mind closer, your love and logic closer, your experience and expression closer, perhaps mind can also say something significant.
It may not be complete, it may not be an entire expression, but it may be an indication in the right direction.
It may be a finger pointing to the moon.
It may not be the moon, but it can indicate towards the moon.
A Teenage Boy Goes To Church
A Priest & A Lawyer
Two beggars live in a forest, near a city.
Naturally they are enemies, because they are in the same profession and in competition.
One is blind and one is lame and they are always quarreling about their clients.
You don’t know what beggars say about you they have their clients, they have their territories.
Beggars are continuously fighting there is great struggle and competition.
And those two beggars had been enemies for years, but one day the forest caught fire.
The blind man was perfectly able to walk and run, but it was dangerous.
He could not see whether he was going in the right direction, where there was no fire, or whether he was running through the fire towards more.
The lame man could not run on his own.
And the fire was spreading so fast and the winds were so strong, but he could see that there was still a possibility to get out.
There were a few places where the fire had not reached yet, but soon it would be reaching there.
Soon, they would be covered by fire from all over the place, they both forgot all their antagonism, competition.
This was not the time to fight, this was a time to unite.
And the blind man took upon his shoulders the lame man, and they became one personality.
Now they had eyes and they had legs, both.
The lame man could see, and direct where they had to run, and fast – and which directions had to be avoided.
And the blind man was strong enough to run, carrying the lame man on his shoulders.
They came out of the forest without being injured.
This ancient story is about your mind and your heart.
Your heart can see, but cannot say.
Your mind can say, but cannot see.
If you are capable of bringing your heart and mind closer, your love and logic closer, your experience and expression closer, perhaps mind can also say something significant.
It may not be complete, it may not be an entire expression, but it may be an indication in the right direction.
It may be a finger pointing to the moon.
It may not be the moon, but it can indicate towards the moon.
A Teenage Boy Goes To Church
A Priest & A Lawyer
12.
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could Barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and The light was red again.
Again, they went right through.
The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.
So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, do you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!”
Three mischievous old grannies sitting on bench
A little old lady was walking her dog
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could Barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and The light was red again.
Again, they went right through.
The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.
So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, do you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!”
Three mischievous old grannies sitting on bench
A little old lady was walking her dog
13.
This is Awesome, One smart father goes to his son.
Father: “I want you to marry a girl of my choice”
Son: “I will choose my own bride!”
Father: “But the girl is Bill Gates’s daughter.”
Son: “Well, in that case…ok”
Next – Father approaches Bill Gates.
Father: “I have a husband for your daughter.”
Bill Gates: “But my daughter is too young to marry!”
Father: “But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.”
Bill Gates: “Ah, in that case…ok”
Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Father: “I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.”
President: “But I already have more vice – presidents than I need!”
Father: “But this young man is Bill Gates’s son-in-law.”
President: “Ah, in that case… ok”
This is how business is done!!
Moral: Even If you have nothing, You can get Anything.
But your attitude should be positive. Think Positive.
A husband got a message from his neighbour
There was once a mysterious man
This is Awesome, One smart father goes to his son.
Father: “I want you to marry a girl of my choice”
Son: “I will choose my own bride!”
Father: “But the girl is Bill Gates’s daughter.”
Son: “Well, in that case…ok”
Next – Father approaches Bill Gates.
Father: “I have a husband for your daughter.”
Bill Gates: “But my daughter is too young to marry!”
Father: “But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.”
Bill Gates: “Ah, in that case…ok”
Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Father: “I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.”
President: “But I already have more vice – presidents than I need!”
Father: “But this young man is Bill Gates’s son-in-law.”
President: “Ah, in that case… ok”
This is how business is done!!
Moral: Even If you have nothing, You can get Anything.
But your attitude should be positive. Think Positive.
A husband got a message from his neighbour
There was once a mysterious man
14.
Bill and Doug were having a beer at the neighborhood bar.
“What’s the matter?” asked Bill of his buddy.
“You look kind of down.”
“My wife just told me that my lovemaking is just like a news bulletin.”
“Why’s that?”
“Because it’s brief, unexpected and usually a disaster.”
A Help desk guy speaking to an old lady
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation
Bill and Doug were having a beer at the neighborhood bar.
“What’s the matter?” asked Bill of his buddy.
“You look kind of down.”
“My wife just told me that my lovemaking is just like a news bulletin.”
“Why’s that?”
“Because it’s brief, unexpected and usually a disaster.”
A Help desk guy speaking to an old lady
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation
15.
Whispering firmly to the dying man, the priest said,
“Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!”
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order.
Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked, “Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?”
The dying man said, “Until I know where I’m heading, I don’t think I ought to aggravate anybody.”
The story of one 10-year-old boy
A woman walks into the city center
Whispering firmly to the dying man, the priest said,
“Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!”
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order.
Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked, “Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?”
The dying man said, “Until I know where I’m heading, I don’t think I ought to aggravate anybody.”
The story of one 10-year-old boy
A woman walks into the city center
16.
Two kids are talking to each other.
One says, “I’m really worried. My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I’m worried sick!”
The other kid says, “What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you’ve got it made!”
The first kid says, “What if they try to escape?”
A family enters a large store
A guy went fishing with his friend
Two kids are talking to each other.
One says, “I’m really worried. My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I’m worried sick!”
The other kid says, “What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you’ve got it made!”
The first kid says, “What if they try to escape?”
A family enters a large store
A guy went fishing with his friend
17.
A lady came in for a routine physical at the doctor’s office.
“Here”, said the nurse, handing her a urine specimen container.
“The bathroom is over there on your right.
The doctor will be with you in a few minutes.
A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face.
“Thanks! But they had a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all!”
A blond man entered the emergency
Edward was lying on his deathbed
A lady came in for a routine physical at the doctor’s office.
“Here”, said the nurse, handing her a urine specimen container.
“The bathroom is over there on your right.
The doctor will be with you in a few minutes.
A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face.
“Thanks! But they had a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all!”
A blond man entered the emergency
Edward was lying on his deathbed
18.
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy.
They were standing on the back of the ship watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard.
They searched for days and couldn’t find him.
So the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the ship.
It read: “Ma’am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his back end was an oyster and inside the oyster was a pearl worth $50,000….please advise.”
The old woman faxed back: “Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.”
A man went to his dentist
Two guys were in a bar
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy.
They were standing on the back of the ship watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard.
They searched for days and couldn’t find him.
So the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the ship.
It read: “Ma’am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his back end was an oyster and inside the oyster was a pearl worth $50,000….please advise.”
The old woman faxed back: “Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.”
A man went to his dentist
Two guys were in a bar
19.
3 dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with big smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. “First body:
Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress.
Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the Coroner.
“Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.”
The Inspector asked, “What of the third body?” “Ah,” says the coroner, “this is the most unusual one.
Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning.”
“Why is he smiling then?” inquires the Inspector.
“Thought he was having his picture taken.
A Prisoner is digging a tunnel out of prison
A man owned a small ranch
3 dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with big smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. “First body:
Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress.
Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the Coroner.
“Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.”
The Inspector asked, “What of the third body?” “Ah,” says the coroner, “this is the most unusual one.
Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning.”
“Why is he smiling then?” inquires the Inspector.
“Thought he was having his picture taken.
A Prisoner is digging a tunnel out of prison
A man owned a small ranch
20.
A man and his wife went three days without talking after having an argument.
On an occasion, the man remembered that the next day he would have an early meeting in office.
As he needed to get up early, he decided to ask his wife to wake him up.
But he did not want to be a person who began the first conversation, so he wrote on a paper: “You wake me up at 6 in the morning.”
When he got up in the morning, he looked at the clock and realized that it was 9 o’clock.
He was so angry and shouted: “What’s wrong with you! What were you thinking? You are inconsiderate, you did not do what I asked you to do.”
His wife did not say anything and looked at the table a paper on which was written the following: “It’s six o’clock, get up!”
A man scolded his son for being so unruly
A Husband and wife are shopping
A man and his wife went three days without talking after having an argument.
On an occasion, the man remembered that the next day he would have an early meeting in office.
As he needed to get up early, he decided to ask his wife to wake him up.
But he did not want to be a person who began the first conversation, so he wrote on a paper: “You wake me up at 6 in the morning.”
When he got up in the morning, he looked at the clock and realized that it was 9 o’clock.
He was so angry and shouted: “What’s wrong with you! What were you thinking? You are inconsiderate, you did not do what I asked you to do.”
His wife did not say anything and looked at the table a paper on which was written the following: “It’s six o’clock, get up!”
A man scolded his son for being so unruly
A Husband and wife are shopping
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21.
A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in lovemaking.
The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it’s still experimental.
He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.
About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says,
“Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said!
It wasn’t five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!”
The doctor says, “I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong!
The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.”
“Nah,” she says, “that’s okay. We’re never going back to that restaurant anyway.”
Bob was in trouble
A old man was sitting at a bar
A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in lovemaking.
The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it’s still experimental.
He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.
About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says,
“Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said!
It wasn’t five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!”
The doctor says, “I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong!
The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.”
“Nah,” she says, “that’s okay. We’re never going back to that restaurant anyway.”
Bob was in trouble
A old man was sitting at a bar
22.
One of the priests said, “Sometimes it feels like such a burden to always be the one who listens to other people’s problems.
I can only talk about my sins with the bishop, and he just visits once a year…”
The others nodded in agreement
Suddenly, one of them said, “Wait a minute, we can forgive other people’s sins, why don’t we just confess to each other?”
The others were hesitant at this proposition, but eventually one of them said, “My brothers, I have a great sin to confess: I am an incurable gambler, and sometimes I steal money from the alms box…”
The others were taken aback by this, but forgave their fellow priest.
The next one said, “Brother, your sin is nothing compared to mine – I’m a lecherous womanizer!
There’s not a woman between 18 and 85 in my congregation that I haven’t been with!”
The others were surprised, but still forgave their fellow priest.
The third priest, who was 90 years old, was unwilling to confess his greatest sin.
After some coaxing, he finally said, “Okay then
My brothers, I am a notorious tattletale – I can never seem to keep my mouth shut…”
A beautiful parrot
A priest was being honoured
One of the priests said, “Sometimes it feels like such a burden to always be the one who listens to other people’s problems.
I can only talk about my sins with the bishop, and he just visits once a year…”
The others nodded in agreement
Suddenly, one of them said, “Wait a minute, we can forgive other people’s sins, why don’t we just confess to each other?”
The others were hesitant at this proposition, but eventually one of them said, “My brothers, I have a great sin to confess: I am an incurable gambler, and sometimes I steal money from the alms box…”
The others were taken aback by this, but forgave their fellow priest.
The next one said, “Brother, your sin is nothing compared to mine – I’m a lecherous womanizer!
There’s not a woman between 18 and 85 in my congregation that I haven’t been with!”
The others were surprised, but still forgave their fellow priest.
The third priest, who was 90 years old, was unwilling to confess his greatest sin.
After some coaxing, he finally said, “Okay then
My brothers, I am a notorious tattletale – I can never seem to keep my mouth shut…”
A beautiful parrot
A priest was being honoured
23.
A plane crashes
The only survivor is a flight atendant.
She finds herself on a deserted island and after a while gets really hot so she takes her shirt off exposing her cleavege. She sees smoke nearby and arives to see a man cooking some meat.
-Where are you from ?- She asks him
-Great Britian.- He replies.
-How long have you been here ?-
-Fifteen years.-
-Well could you give me some of that meat ? Im mighty hungry.-
-Oh yeah and what will you give me in return ?-
-Something you havent seen in fifteen years.-
She takes off her b*a and the two start kissing as one thing leads to another.
After they finish they lay on the cool evening sand covered only by a thin cloth blanket, the man sits up looks at the beautiful women laying next to him he asks her:
-Now where is the tea that you promised ?-
A ventriloquist was performing at a club
Two Hillbillies sitting in a Diner
A plane crashes
The only survivor is a flight atendant.
She finds herself on a deserted island and after a while gets really hot so she takes her shirt off exposing her cleavege. She sees smoke nearby and arives to see a man cooking some meat.
-Where are you from ?- She asks him
-Great Britian.- He replies.
-How long have you been here ?-
-Fifteen years.-
-Well could you give me some of that meat ? Im mighty hungry.-
-Oh yeah and what will you give me in return ?-
-Something you havent seen in fifteen years.-
She takes off her b*a and the two start kissing as one thing leads to another.
After they finish they lay on the cool evening sand covered only by a thin cloth blanket, the man sits up looks at the beautiful women laying next to him he asks her:
-Now where is the tea that you promised ?-
A ventriloquist was performing at a club
Two Hillbillies sitting in a Diner
24.
Murphy and his wife went for a stroll in the park.
They sit down on a bench to rest for awhile.
Soon they overhear voices coming from a secluded spot nearby.
Suddenly, Mrs. Murphy realizes that a young man is about to propose.
Not wanting to be eavesdropping during such an intimate moment, she gently nudges her husband and whispers, “Whistle, to let that young couple know that someone can hear them.”
To which Murphy replies, “Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me?”
A pregnant woman went to the gynecologist
Two tourists were driving through
Murphy and his wife went for a stroll in the park.
They sit down on a bench to rest for awhile.
Soon they overhear voices coming from a secluded spot nearby.
Suddenly, Mrs. Murphy realizes that a young man is about to propose.
Not wanting to be eavesdropping during such an intimate moment, she gently nudges her husband and whispers, “Whistle, to let that young couple know that someone can hear them.”
To which Murphy replies, “Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me?”
A pregnant woman went to the gynecologist
Two tourists were driving through
25.
Two old couples got together to reminiscent about the old times and laugh about life.
One of the gentlemen, Harold, started raving about this great restaurant he and his wife visited not too long ago.
“Really?” The other old man asked.
“What was the name of this place?”
Harold thought for a second before asking, “what do you call those flowers that smell really good?”
“Which ones?” The other guy asked. “Daisy?”
“No, that’s not it.”
“Tulip?”
“No, that doesn’t sound right either.”
“Rose?”
“Yes!” Harold snapped his fingers.
“That’s it!” Harold turns to his wife and asked, “Hey, Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to the other day?”
A man walks into a bar
He tells his doctor of his concern
Two old couples got together to reminiscent about the old times and laugh about life.
One of the gentlemen, Harold, started raving about this great restaurant he and his wife visited not too long ago.
“Really?” The other old man asked.
“What was the name of this place?”
Harold thought for a second before asking, “what do you call those flowers that smell really good?”
“Which ones?” The other guy asked. “Daisy?”
“No, that’s not it.”
“Tulip?”
“No, that doesn’t sound right either.”
“Rose?”
“Yes!” Harold snapped his fingers.
“That’s it!” Harold turns to his wife and asked, “Hey, Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to the other day?”
A man walks into a bar
He tells his doctor of his concern
26.
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop right away they go over to the bird section.
Gerry says to Paddy, “That’s them”.
The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them.
“Yeah, we’ll take four of the birds in that cage up there,” says Gerry.
“Put them in a paper bag.”
The clerk does this and the two men pay for the birds and leave the shop.
They get into Gerry’s van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop.
“This looks like a grand place, eh?” says Gerry.
“Oh, yeah, this looks good,” replies Paddy.
They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss.
“I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?” says Gerry.
He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds, followed by a ‘SPLAT’.
As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says.
“SCRW THAT !! THIS BUDGIE JUMPING IS TOO DANGEROUS FOR ME !!”
A minute later…Seamus arrives at the cliff
He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar “peeper bag”.
He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun….
“Hi, Paddy – watch this”, Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff.
Paddy watches as halfway down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the poor parrot’s head off.
Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT, as he joins Gerry’s remains at the bottom.
Paddy shakes his head and says, “Bejesus, that PARROTSHOOTIN’ is also too dangerous for me.”
A few minutes later, Sean strolls up.
He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar paper bag.
However, instead of a parrot or a budgie, he pulls a chicken out of the bag and launches himself off the cliff with the same result as the other two men.
Once more Paddy shakes his head –
“Ahh, first there was Gerry wit’ his BUDGIE JUMPING, then Seamus PARROTSHOOTIN’ and now Sean with this HEN GLIDING !!!…”
A very complicated operation
Two men were hunting in the woods
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop right away they go over to the bird section.
Gerry says to Paddy, “That’s them”.
The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them.
“Yeah, we’ll take four of the birds in that cage up there,” says Gerry.
“Put them in a paper bag.”
The clerk does this and the two men pay for the birds and leave the shop.
They get into Gerry’s van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop.
“This looks like a grand place, eh?” says Gerry.
“Oh, yeah, this looks good,” replies Paddy.
They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss.
“I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?” says Gerry.
He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds, followed by a ‘SPLAT’.
As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says.
“SCRW THAT !! THIS BUDGIE JUMPING IS TOO DANGEROUS FOR ME !!”
A minute later…Seamus arrives at the cliff
He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar “peeper bag”.
He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun….
“Hi, Paddy – watch this”, Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff.
Paddy watches as halfway down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the poor parrot’s head off.
Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT, as he joins Gerry’s remains at the bottom.
Paddy shakes his head and says, “Bejesus, that PARROTSHOOTIN’ is also too dangerous for me.”
A few minutes later, Sean strolls up.
He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar paper bag.
However, instead of a parrot or a budgie, he pulls a chicken out of the bag and launches himself off the cliff with the same result as the other two men.
Once more Paddy shakes his head –
“Ahh, first there was Gerry wit’ his BUDGIE JUMPING, then Seamus PARROTSHOOTIN’ and now Sean with this HEN GLIDING !!!…”
A very complicated operation
Two men were hunting in the woods
27.
A panel of doctors was asked for their opinions concerning a proposal to build a new wing to their hospital.
This was what they said: The Allergists could barely breathe for the shock.
The Dermatologists preferred no rash moves be made.
The Psychiatrists thought the whole thing was deluded.
The Radiologists could see right through it.
The Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it being a bad idea;
The whole thing gave them a stomach ache.
The Neurologists thought the administration had a big brain idea.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted but rectifiable.
The Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body.” while hiding behind a patient.
The Pediatricians said, “Grow up!”, then held their breath until blue.
The Plastic Surgeons said this was a stretch.
The Podiatrists were afraid it was the wrong step.
The Urologists felt they were pissing away money.
The Anesthesiologists thought it was a pipe dream.
The Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no… And the Surgeons weren’t even allowed to cut.
A newly married Liam
Three women were sitting in a bar
A panel of doctors was asked for their opinions concerning a proposal to build a new wing to their hospital.
This was what they said: The Allergists could barely breathe for the shock.
The Dermatologists preferred no rash moves be made.
The Psychiatrists thought the whole thing was deluded.
The Radiologists could see right through it.
The Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it being a bad idea;
The whole thing gave them a stomach ache.
The Neurologists thought the administration had a big brain idea.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted but rectifiable.
The Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body.” while hiding behind a patient.
The Pediatricians said, “Grow up!”, then held their breath until blue.
The Plastic Surgeons said this was a stretch.
The Podiatrists were afraid it was the wrong step.
The Urologists felt they were pissing away money.
The Anesthesiologists thought it was a pipe dream.
The Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no… And the Surgeons weren’t even allowed to cut.
A newly married Liam
Three women were sitting in a bar
28.
Little Tommy was doing very poorly in math
His parents had tried everything: tutors, flash cards, special learning centers in short, everything they could think of.
Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Tommy came home with a very serious look on his face
He didn’t kiss his mother hello
Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.
Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Tommy was hard at work his mother was amazed.
She called him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word and in no time he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for sometime, day after day while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Tommy brought home his report card.
He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his room and hit the books with great trepidation, his mom looked at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math.
She could no longer hold back her curiosity.
She went to his room and said, “Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?”
Little Tommy looked at her and shook his head, “No.”
“Well then,” she replied, “was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?”
Little Tommy looked at her and said, “Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy on the wall bared to the big plus sign, I knew they weren’t fooling around.”
A good cat
She calmly writes down his order
Little Tommy was doing very poorly in math
His parents had tried everything: tutors, flash cards, special learning centers in short, everything they could think of.
Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Tommy came home with a very serious look on his face
He didn’t kiss his mother hello
Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.
Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Tommy was hard at work his mother was amazed.
She called him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word and in no time he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for sometime, day after day while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Tommy brought home his report card.
He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his room and hit the books with great trepidation, his mom looked at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math.
She could no longer hold back her curiosity.
She went to his room and said, “Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?”
Little Tommy looked at her and shook his head, “No.”
“Well then,” she replied, “was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?”
Little Tommy looked at her and said, “Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy on the wall bared to the big plus sign, I knew they weren’t fooling around.”
A good cat
She calmly writes down his order
29.
A man was sick and tired of going to work everyday while his wife stayed at home; he wanted his wife to see what he goes through and so he prayed;
“Dear Lord, I go to work all day and put in eight hours while my wife stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please switch her body to mine for a day, as I take hers.
So God in His own infinite wisdom granted the man’s wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He cooked breakfast, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them, packed their lunch, took them to school, came back home, picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners, went grocery shopping, got home and put away the groceries, cleaned the cat’s little box and bathed the dog.
By then it was already 1:00pm.
He quickly went to make the bed, do the laundry, swept and mop the floor, ran to school to pick up the kids, got into an argument with one of them, set out milk and cookies and got the kids organised to do their home work.
He then set the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4.30pm, he began peeling potatoes and washed the vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chop and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, put them to bed.
Now He’s exhausted, and though his daily choice wasn’t over, he went to bed and was expected to make LOVE, which he managed to get through without complaints.
Early in the morning, he woke up and quickly knelt down by the bed and said: “LORD, I do not know what I was thinking, I was wrong to envy my wife being able to stay home all day. Please let’s trade again.
GOD answered: “Man I’d love to answer your prayers, but the time you made love last night, you got pregnant, so you have to wait for nine months to change.
A teacher was testing the children
She wanted to discuss
A man was sick and tired of going to work everyday while his wife stayed at home; he wanted his wife to see what he goes through and so he prayed;
“Dear Lord, I go to work all day and put in eight hours while my wife stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please switch her body to mine for a day, as I take hers.
So God in His own infinite wisdom granted the man’s wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He cooked breakfast, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them, packed their lunch, took them to school, came back home, picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners, went grocery shopping, got home and put away the groceries, cleaned the cat’s little box and bathed the dog.
By then it was already 1:00pm.
He quickly went to make the bed, do the laundry, swept and mop the floor, ran to school to pick up the kids, got into an argument with one of them, set out milk and cookies and got the kids organised to do their home work.
He then set the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4.30pm, he began peeling potatoes and washed the vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chop and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, put them to bed.
Now He’s exhausted, and though his daily choice wasn’t over, he went to bed and was expected to make LOVE, which he managed to get through without complaints.
Early in the morning, he woke up and quickly knelt down by the bed and said: “LORD, I do not know what I was thinking, I was wrong to envy my wife being able to stay home all day. Please let’s trade again.
GOD answered: “Man I’d love to answer your prayers, but the time you made love last night, you got pregnant, so you have to wait for nine months to change.
A teacher was testing the children
She wanted to discuss
30.
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other.
Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.
After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.
A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car.
It didn’t need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing
“I’m blessing it,” the priest replied.
The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue.
He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut two inches off the tailpipe.
The rule of a king
Two Arkansans Meet On A Dusty, Country Road
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other.
Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.
After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.
A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car.
It didn’t need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing
“I’m blessing it,” the priest replied.
The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue.
He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut two inches off the tailpipe.
The rule of a king
Two Arkansans Meet On A Dusty, Country Road
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