1.
A man came home from work and settled down in his favorite chair in front of the TV and said to his wife “quick bring me a beer before it starts!”
She looks a little puzzled but brought him a beer When he finished it he said “Quick, bring me another beer it’s gonna start!”
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone he said “Quick! Get me another beer before it starts!”
“That’s it!” She blows her top “You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down,
don’t even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave getting you beer after beer!?
Don’t you realize I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long!?”
The husband sighed and said “oh shit, it’s started”
One day, a park ranger stopped by my house
An Irishman is out of work and decides to go
A man came home from work and settled down in his favorite chair in front of the TV and said to his wife “quick bring me a beer before it starts!”
She looks a little puzzled but brought him a beer When he finished it he said “Quick, bring me another beer it’s gonna start!”
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone he said “Quick! Get me another beer before it starts!”
“That’s it!” She blows her top “You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down,
don’t even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave getting you beer after beer!?
Don’t you realize I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long!?”
The husband sighed and said “oh shit, it’s started”
One day, a park ranger stopped by my house
An Irishman is out of work and decides to go
2.
Bobby was sitting on the porch talking to his Grandpa when he innocently asked, “Grandpa, do you know how to make animal sounds?”
“I sure do” Grandpa replied.
“What sort of animal sound would you like to hear?”
“How about a toad? Do you know how to sound like a toad?”
“Sure”, said Grandpa, cupping his hand to his mouth, “croaaak croaaak, how did you like that?!”
“Yipee!” screamed Bobby jumping up and down, “We are going to Miami!”
“Huh?” Questioned Grandpa.
“Why’s that?” “Because Grandma said so,” Bobby patiently explained, “she said that after you croak we’ll all go to Miami!”
Bob asks his mom
A man and his wife were going
Bobby was sitting on the porch talking to his Grandpa when he innocently asked, “Grandpa, do you know how to make animal sounds?”
“I sure do” Grandpa replied.
“What sort of animal sound would you like to hear?”
“How about a toad? Do you know how to sound like a toad?”
“Sure”, said Grandpa, cupping his hand to his mouth, “croaaak croaaak, how did you like that?!”
“Yipee!” screamed Bobby jumping up and down, “We are going to Miami!”
“Huh?” Questioned Grandpa.
“Why’s that?” “Because Grandma said so,” Bobby patiently explained, “she said that after you croak we’ll all go to Miami!”
Bob asks his mom
A man and his wife were going
3.
A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee…
On his first day, he dialled the kitchen and shouted into the phone:
“Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!”
The voice from the other side responded:
“You fool; you’ve dialled the wrong extension! Do you know who you’re talking to?”
“No” replied the trainee.
“It’s the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!”
The trainee shouted back:
“And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?”
“No!” replied the Managing Director angrily.
“Thank God!” replied the trainee and put the phone down…
The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang
A woman wanted to reach her husband
A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee…
On his first day, he dialled the kitchen and shouted into the phone:
“Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!”
The voice from the other side responded:
“You fool; you’ve dialled the wrong extension! Do you know who you’re talking to?”
“No” replied the trainee.
“It’s the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!”
The trainee shouted back:
“And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?”
“No!” replied the Managing Director angrily.
“Thank God!” replied the trainee and put the phone down…
The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang
A woman wanted to reach her husband
4.
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
‘I may look like just an ordinary man,’ he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I’ll inherit $65 million.’
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.
Three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
Three young women are at a party
A hunter goes into the woods
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
‘I may look like just an ordinary man,’ he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I’ll inherit $65 million.’
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.
Three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
Three young women are at a party
A hunter goes into the woods
5.
A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.
“Why do we have to learn this stuff?”
The young man blurted out.
“To save lives,” the professor responded before continuing the lecture.
A few minutes later the student spoke up again.
“So how does physics save lives?”
The professor stared at the student for a long time.
“Physics saves lives,” he said, “because it keeps the idiots out of medical school.”
A secretary walked into her boss
Three people were stuck on an island
A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.
“Why do we have to learn this stuff?”
The young man blurted out.
“To save lives,” the professor responded before continuing the lecture.
A few minutes later the student spoke up again.
“So how does physics save lives?”
The professor stared at the student for a long time.
“Physics saves lives,” he said, “because it keeps the idiots out of medical school.”
A secretary walked into her boss
Three people were stuck on an island
6.
One day, he told his problem to a friend he worked with at Walmart.
His friend told him, “There is a possibility to make the truck easier to sell, but it’s not legal.”
“That doesn’t matter,” replied Billy Bob, “I really need to sell the truck.”
“Okay,” said Billy Bob’s friend.
“Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a repair shop tell him I sent you and he will turn the odometer in your truck back to 50,000 miles then it should not be a problem to sell it anymore.”
The following weekend, Billy Bob made the trip to the mechanic.
Two weeks later the friend asked Billy Bob, “Did you sell your truck?”
“No,” replied Billy Bob, “Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!”
A milkman who is dying in the hospital
I joined an online dating site and met a girl
One day, he told his problem to a friend he worked with at Walmart.
His friend told him, “There is a possibility to make the truck easier to sell, but it’s not legal.”
“That doesn’t matter,” replied Billy Bob, “I really need to sell the truck.”
“Okay,” said Billy Bob’s friend.
“Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a repair shop tell him I sent you and he will turn the odometer in your truck back to 50,000 miles then it should not be a problem to sell it anymore.”
The following weekend, Billy Bob made the trip to the mechanic.
Two weeks later the friend asked Billy Bob, “Did you sell your truck?”
“No,” replied Billy Bob, “Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!”
A milkman who is dying in the hospital
I joined an online dating site and met a girl
7.
Wife sends a text message to her husband on a really cold winter morning:
Windows are totally frozen, will not open.
Husband replies:
“Carefully pour some warm water over it and tap the edges first with your hand, if that doesn’t work, then gently with a hammer.”
15 minutes later, the wife texts back:
“Oh no, I think the laptop is now totally gone.”
A man dreams that he is a chicken
A guy walks up to a caretaker in a dog shelter
Wife sends a text message to her husband on a really cold winter morning:
Windows are totally frozen, will not open.
Husband replies:
“Carefully pour some warm water over it and tap the edges first with your hand, if that doesn’t work, then gently with a hammer.”
15 minutes later, the wife texts back:
“Oh no, I think the laptop is now totally gone.”
A man dreams that he is a chicken
A guy walks up to a caretaker in a dog shelter
8.
A man returned home earlier than usual.
His son met him, very upset, and crying, “Daddy, there’s a monster in your bedroom.”
“There’s a what?”
“A monster. And he’s hidden in mummy’s wardrobe.”
So the man went upstairs, found his wife in bed and opened the wardrobe door.
Inside, his oldest friend tried vainly to hide himself behind a rack of dresses.
“Twenty years, you’ve been my friend,” bellowed the husband, pulling his former friend out by the hair, “And the best thing you can find to do is frighten my little boy.”
The old man says to the woman
A boy asked his father a question
A man returned home earlier than usual.
His son met him, very upset, and crying, “Daddy, there’s a monster in your bedroom.”
“There’s a what?”
“A monster. And he’s hidden in mummy’s wardrobe.”
So the man went upstairs, found his wife in bed and opened the wardrobe door.
Inside, his oldest friend tried vainly to hide himself behind a rack of dresses.
“Twenty years, you’ve been my friend,” bellowed the husband, pulling his former friend out by the hair, “And the best thing you can find to do is frighten my little boy.”
The old man says to the woman
A boy asked his father a question
9.
A dude-up city biker walks into a seedy tavern in the outback of Western Australia.
He sits at the bar and notices a grizzled old biker with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the new by rider bravely asks the old biker.
“If you ain’t gonna eat that, mind if I do?”
The old veteran of a thousand rides slowly turns his head toward the young pup and says, “Nah, you go ahead.”
Eagerly, the guy wearing the shiny new leather fashions reaches over and slides the bowl into his place and starts spooning it in with delight.
He gets nearly down to the bottom of the bowl and notices a dead mouse in the chili.
The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfed up the chili back into the bowl.
The old biker quietly says, “Yep, that’s as far as I got, too.”
A Man Was At Home Watching TV
The teacher asked the class
A dude-up city biker walks into a seedy tavern in the outback of Western Australia.
He sits at the bar and notices a grizzled old biker with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the new by rider bravely asks the old biker.
“If you ain’t gonna eat that, mind if I do?”
The old veteran of a thousand rides slowly turns his head toward the young pup and says, “Nah, you go ahead.”
Eagerly, the guy wearing the shiny new leather fashions reaches over and slides the bowl into his place and starts spooning it in with delight.
He gets nearly down to the bottom of the bowl and notices a dead mouse in the chili.
The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfed up the chili back into the bowl.
The old biker quietly says, “Yep, that’s as far as I got, too.”
A Man Was At Home Watching TV
The teacher asked the class
10.
A man went to his lawyer and told him, “My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn’t want to pay up. What should I do?”
“Do you have any proof?” asked the lawyer.
“Nope,” replied the man.
“Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owed you,” said the lawyer.
“But it’s only $500,” replied the man.
“Precisely. That’s what he will reply and we will have the proof we need to nail him.”
Two men waiting at the pearly gates
This guy says to his buddy
A man went to his lawyer and told him, “My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn’t want to pay up. What should I do?”
“Do you have any proof?” asked the lawyer.
“Nope,” replied the man.
“Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owed you,” said the lawyer.
“But it’s only $500,” replied the man.
“Precisely. That’s what he will reply and we will have the proof we need to nail him.”
Two men waiting at the pearly gates
This guy says to his buddy
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11.
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs,
“I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”.
The four men didn’t wait for a second threat.
They got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat.
She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.
She tried and tried, and then she realized why.
It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.
She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.
The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn’t stop laughing.
He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.
The moral of the story?
If you’re going to have a senior moment… make it memorable.
A lady went to a psychiatrist complaining
A baby turtle was standing
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs,
“I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”.
The four men didn’t wait for a second threat.
They got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat.
She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.
She tried and tried, and then she realized why.
It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.
She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.
The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn’t stop laughing.
He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.
The moral of the story?
If you’re going to have a senior moment… make it memorable.
A lady went to a psychiatrist complaining
A baby turtle was standing
12.
A man’s car stalled on a country road one morning.
When the man got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him.
“Your trouble is probably in the carburetor,” said the cow.
Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer.
The amazed man told the farmer his story.
“Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?” asked the farmer.
“Yes, yes,” the man replied.
“Oh! I wouldn’t listen to Bessie,” said the farmer.
“She doesn’t know a thing about cars.”
A guy was lost in the Sahara Desert
A man spitting and cussing on a corner
A man’s car stalled on a country road one morning.
When the man got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him.
“Your trouble is probably in the carburetor,” said the cow.
Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer.
The amazed man told the farmer his story.
“Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?” asked the farmer.
“Yes, yes,” the man replied.
“Oh! I wouldn’t listen to Bessie,” said the farmer.
“She doesn’t know a thing about cars.”
A guy was lost in the Sahara Desert
A man spitting and cussing on a corner
13.
A wealthy man walked into a bar in Miami.
As soon as he entered, he noticed an old woman, sitting in one corner.
He walked over to the counter, removed his wallet and shouted,
“Bartender! I’m buying drinks for everyone in this bar, except that woman over there!”
The bartender collected the money and began serving free drinks to everyone in the bar, except the old woman.
Instead of becoming upset, the woman simply looked up at the guy and shouted, “Thank you!”
This infuriated the wealthy guy.
So once again, he took out his wallet and shouted,
“Waiter! This time I am buying bottles of wine and additional food for everyone in this bar, except for that African sitting in the corner over there!”
The bartender collected the money from the man and began serving free food and wine to everyone in the bar except the old woman.
When the waiter finished serving the food and drinks, the Old woman simply smiled at the man and said, Thank you!”
That made him furious.
So he leaned over the counter and asked the bartender,
“What is wrong with that woman? I have bought food and drinks for everyone in this bar except for her, and instead of becoming angry, she just sits there, smiles at me and shouts ‘Thank you.’ Is she mad”
The bartender smiled at the wealthy man and said, “No, she is not mad. She is the OWNER of this Restaurant.”
The teacher told her class
A man tells his doctor
A wealthy man walked into a bar in Miami.
As soon as he entered, he noticed an old woman, sitting in one corner.
He walked over to the counter, removed his wallet and shouted,
“Bartender! I’m buying drinks for everyone in this bar, except that woman over there!”
The bartender collected the money and began serving free drinks to everyone in the bar, except the old woman.
Instead of becoming upset, the woman simply looked up at the guy and shouted, “Thank you!”
This infuriated the wealthy guy.
So once again, he took out his wallet and shouted,
“Waiter! This time I am buying bottles of wine and additional food for everyone in this bar, except for that African sitting in the corner over there!”
The bartender collected the money from the man and began serving free food and wine to everyone in the bar except the old woman.
When the waiter finished serving the food and drinks, the Old woman simply smiled at the man and said, Thank you!”
That made him furious.
So he leaned over the counter and asked the bartender,
“What is wrong with that woman? I have bought food and drinks for everyone in this bar except for her, and instead of becoming angry, she just sits there, smiles at me and shouts ‘Thank you.’ Is she mad”
The bartender smiled at the wealthy man and said, “No, she is not mad. She is the OWNER of this Restaurant.”
The teacher told her class
A man tells his doctor
14.
A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can’t stand it any longer!
The woman goes into her supervisor’s office, tells him what the coworker does, and that she wants to file a make love harassment suit against the man.
The supervisor is puzzled by this and asks, “What’s loving threatening about a coworker telling you your hair smells nice?
The woman replies, “He’s a midget!”
A Texan visitor to England asked
Three men want to become agents
A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can’t stand it any longer!
The woman goes into her supervisor’s office, tells him what the coworker does, and that she wants to file a make love harassment suit against the man.
The supervisor is puzzled by this and asks, “What’s loving threatening about a coworker telling you your hair smells nice?
The woman replies, “He’s a midget!”
A Texan visitor to England asked
Three men want to become agents
15.
Whispering firmly to the dying man, the priest said,
“Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!”
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order.
Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked, “Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?”
The dying man said, “Until I know where I’m heading, I don’t think I ought to aggravate anybody.”
The story of one 10-year-old boy
A woman walks into the city center
Whispering firmly to the dying man, the priest said,
“Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!”
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order.
Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked, “Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?”
The dying man said, “Until I know where I’m heading, I don’t think I ought to aggravate anybody.”
The story of one 10-year-old boy
A woman walks into the city center
16.
Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school and Fred is all excited:
“Man I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude’s house and guy had toilets made of pure gold!”
“No way!”
“Yes way,” insists Fred, “come with me and check it out for yourself if you don’t believe me.”
Twenty minutes later they’re ringing the doorbell at the place.
A middle-aged lady opens and Fred eagerly asks her,
“Hi! I’m sorry to bother you but there was a party at your house yesterday and my friend doesn’t believe that you have toilet bowls of pure gold!”
The lady looks at him for a moment and then yells into the inside of the house,
“Roger, the pig that shit in your trombone is here!”
A little old lady answered a knock on her door
A Harley biker is riding
Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school and Fred is all excited:
“Man I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude’s house and guy had toilets made of pure gold!”
“No way!”
“Yes way,” insists Fred, “come with me and check it out for yourself if you don’t believe me.”
Twenty minutes later they’re ringing the doorbell at the place.
A middle-aged lady opens and Fred eagerly asks her,
“Hi! I’m sorry to bother you but there was a party at your house yesterday and my friend doesn’t believe that you have toilet bowls of pure gold!”
The lady looks at him for a moment and then yells into the inside of the house,
“Roger, the pig that shit in your trombone is here!”
A little old lady answered a knock on her door
A Harley biker is riding
17.
A beautiful, good looking lady was sitting next to a guy in a plane.
The lady said to him “Can you help me remove something from my corset please?”
‘The exciting young man replied, “Wow! It will be my pleasure……. So what is it?”
“Your Eyes, idiot!”
Two Irishmen were talking
Two drunks are driving down the highway
A beautiful, good looking lady was sitting next to a guy in a plane.
The lady said to him “Can you help me remove something from my corset please?”
‘The exciting young man replied, “Wow! It will be my pleasure……. So what is it?”
“Your Eyes, idiot!”
Two Irishmen were talking
Two drunks are driving down the highway
18.
A blonde was trying to sell her old car.
She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it.
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon.
The brunette told her, “There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it’s not legal.”
“That doesn’t matter,” replied the blonde, “if I can only sell the car.”
“Okay,” said the brunette. “Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will ‘fix it’. Then you shouldn’t have a problem anymore trying to sell your car.”
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, “Did you sell your car?”
“No,” replied the blonde, “Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!”
A blonde goes to the local bar
A lawyer defending a man accused
A blonde was trying to sell her old car.
She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it.
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon.
The brunette told her, “There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it’s not legal.”
“That doesn’t matter,” replied the blonde, “if I can only sell the car.”
“Okay,” said the brunette. “Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will ‘fix it’. Then you shouldn’t have a problem anymore trying to sell your car.”
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, “Did you sell your car?”
“No,” replied the blonde, “Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!”
A blonde goes to the local bar
A lawyer defending a man accused
19.
John bought his new colleague, Peter, home for dinner.
As they arrived at the door,
his wife rushed up, threw her arms around John and kissed him passionately.
“My goodness”, said Peter,
“and how long have you been married?”
“22 years”, replied John.
“You must have a fantastic marriage if your wife greets you like that after all those years.”
“Don’t be fooled!
She only does it to make the dog jealous.”
A young man went to his grandfather
On their wedding night
John bought his new colleague, Peter, home for dinner.
As they arrived at the door,
his wife rushed up, threw her arms around John and kissed him passionately.
“My goodness”, said Peter,
“and how long have you been married?”
“22 years”, replied John.
“You must have a fantastic marriage if your wife greets you like that after all those years.”
“Don’t be fooled!
She only does it to make the dog jealous.”
A young man went to his grandfather
On their wedding night
20.
A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed undressed, with a lovely young girl.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her and said, “Honey, before you leave, please let me explain.”
The wife stopped to listen.
He continued, “I was driving along the highway, and I saw this young girl looking very tired and bedraggled, so I offered her a lift. She was also hungry, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef in the refrigerator which you didn’t like”.
“She was wearing some very worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of your shoes which you’d discarded simply because they were out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday–the one you never wore because the colours didn’t suit you”.
“Her slacks were torn, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but much too small for you now”.
The wife seemed to have no problem with any of this, but still needed just one question to be answered.
“That’s all fine and good,” she said.
“But why did I find you both in our bed with NO clothes on?”
The husband replied, “Well, that’s simple See, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and asked, “Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?”
They go to see their doctor
Johnny greeted his mother at the door
A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed undressed, with a lovely young girl.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her and said, “Honey, before you leave, please let me explain.”
The wife stopped to listen.
He continued, “I was driving along the highway, and I saw this young girl looking very tired and bedraggled, so I offered her a lift. She was also hungry, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef in the refrigerator which you didn’t like”.
“She was wearing some very worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of your shoes which you’d discarded simply because they were out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday–the one you never wore because the colours didn’t suit you”.
“Her slacks were torn, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but much too small for you now”.
The wife seemed to have no problem with any of this, but still needed just one question to be answered.
“That’s all fine and good,” she said.
“But why did I find you both in our bed with NO clothes on?”
The husband replied, “Well, that’s simple See, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and asked, “Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?”
They go to see their doctor
Johnny greeted his mother at the door
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21.
John was talking to his fiance, Rebecca.
He said, “Be honest now, baby, how am I as a lover?”
To which she replied, “Honey, I would definitely say that you’re warm.”
“Really?” he asked excitedly.
“Yes, in fact I would say that you’re the dictionary definition of the word ‘warm.'”
John was pleased until he went home and just for fun, checked his dictionary and found, “WARM: Not so hot.”
Two guys are walking through
Two women are walking home
John was talking to his fiance, Rebecca.
He said, “Be honest now, baby, how am I as a lover?”
To which she replied, “Honey, I would definitely say that you’re warm.”
“Really?” he asked excitedly.
“Yes, in fact I would say that you’re the dictionary definition of the word ‘warm.'”
John was pleased until he went home and just for fun, checked his dictionary and found, “WARM: Not so hot.”
Two guys are walking through
Two women are walking home
22.
A husband and wife in their sixties were coming up on their 40th wedding anniversary.
Knowing his wife loved antiques, he bought a beautiful old brass oil lamp for her.
When she unwrapped it, a genie appeared.
He thanked them and gave each of them one wish.
The wife wished for an all expenses paid, first class, around the world cruise with her husband.
Shazam! Instantly she was presented with tickets for the entire journey, plus expensive side trips, dinners, shopping, etc.
The husband, however, wished he had a female companion who was 30 years younger.
The genie smiled and Shazam! Instantly he turned 93 years old.
A young couple were in their honeymoon
A married couple moves into to a new home
A husband and wife in their sixties were coming up on their 40th wedding anniversary.
Knowing his wife loved antiques, he bought a beautiful old brass oil lamp for her.
When she unwrapped it, a genie appeared.
He thanked them and gave each of them one wish.
The wife wished for an all expenses paid, first class, around the world cruise with her husband.
Shazam! Instantly she was presented with tickets for the entire journey, plus expensive side trips, dinners, shopping, etc.
The husband, however, wished he had a female companion who was 30 years younger.
The genie smiled and Shazam! Instantly he turned 93 years old.
A young couple were in their honeymoon
A married couple moves into to a new home
23.
Lisa came up behind her husband while he was drinking his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head.
“Ow!” Larry exclaimed. “What was that for?”
“I found a piece of paper in your pants with the name ‘Mary Lou’ written on it,” she said angrily. “You better have a good explanation!”
“Calm down, honey,” Larry said. “I was at the dog track last week and that was the name of the dog I bet on.”
Later that same day, Lisa walked up to her husband and smacked him hard on the forehead when he walked in the door from work.
“What the heck was that for?” he demanded.
“Your dog just called.”
A young boy enters a barber shop
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son
Lisa came up behind her husband while he was drinking his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head.
“Ow!” Larry exclaimed. “What was that for?”
“I found a piece of paper in your pants with the name ‘Mary Lou’ written on it,” she said angrily. “You better have a good explanation!”
“Calm down, honey,” Larry said. “I was at the dog track last week and that was the name of the dog I bet on.”
Later that same day, Lisa walked up to her husband and smacked him hard on the forehead when he walked in the door from work.
“What the heck was that for?” he demanded.
“Your dog just called.”
A young boy enters a barber shop
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son
24.
The truck driver stopped to picked up the girl hitchhiker in short shorts.
“Say, what’s your name, mister? ” she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck.
“It’s Snow, Roy Snow,” he answered, “and what’s yours? ”
“I’m June, June Hansen,” she said.
“Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?”, she challenged the trucker some miles down the road.
“Can you imagine what it might be like,” he countered with a question of his own, “Having eight inches of Snow in June?”
Two guys were picked up by cops
A man was annoyed when his wife
The truck driver stopped to picked up the girl hitchhiker in short shorts.
“Say, what’s your name, mister? ” she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck.
“It’s Snow, Roy Snow,” he answered, “and what’s yours? ”
“I’m June, June Hansen,” she said.
“Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?”, she challenged the trucker some miles down the road.
“Can you imagine what it might be like,” he countered with a question of his own, “Having eight inches of Snow in June?”
Two guys were picked up by cops
A man was annoyed when his wife
25.
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, “Ain’t no use knocking’!
There’s no paper on this side either!”
One night a lady came home
Mother superior tells two new nuns
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, “Ain’t no use knocking’!
There’s no paper on this side either!”
One night a lady came home
Mother superior tells two new nuns
26.
There is a nine-year-old kid sitting at his desk and all of a sudden, there is a puddle between his feet and the front of his pants are wet.
He thinks his heart is going to stop because he cannot possibly imagine how this has happened
It’s never happened before, and he knows that when the boys find out he will never hear the end of it..
When the girls find out, they’ll never speak to him again as long as he lives
The boy believes his heart is going to stop; he puts his head down and prays this prayer,
“Dear God, this is an emergency! I need help now! Five minutes from now I’m dead meat.”
He looks up from his prayer and here comes the teacher with a look in her eyes that says he has been discovered.
As the teacher is walking towards him, a classmate named Susie is carrying a goldfish bowl that is filled with water.
Susie trips in front of the teacher and inexplicably dumps the bowl of water in the boy’s lap.
The boy pretends to be angry, but all the while is saying to himself, “Thank you, Lord! Thank you, Lord!”
Now all of a sudden, instead of being the object of ridicule, the boy is the object of sympathy.
The teacher rushes him downstairs and gives him gym shorts to put on while his pants dry out.
All the other children are on their hands and knees cleaning up around his desk.
The sympathy is wonderful
But as life would have it, the ridicule that should have been his has been transferred to someone else – Susie
She tries to help, but they tell her to get out
“You’ve done enough, you klutz!”
Finally, at the end of the day, as they are waiting for the bus, the boy walks over to Susie and whispers, “You did that on purpose, didn’t you?”
Susie whispers back, “I wet my pants once too.”
Moral: You definitely would have gone through some bad situations in life
You cannot go back and reduce your pain, but what you can definitely do is to help others who are going through the same bad situation right now.
Don’t allow someone to go through the pain you went through, and if you can’t do anything about it, then at least be with that person
No one should go through rough phases of life alone.
The girlfriend tells her boyfriend
Two bachelors are talking
There is a nine-year-old kid sitting at his desk and all of a sudden, there is a puddle between his feet and the front of his pants are wet.
He thinks his heart is going to stop because he cannot possibly imagine how this has happened
It’s never happened before, and he knows that when the boys find out he will never hear the end of it..
When the girls find out, they’ll never speak to him again as long as he lives
The boy believes his heart is going to stop; he puts his head down and prays this prayer,
“Dear God, this is an emergency! I need help now! Five minutes from now I’m dead meat.”
He looks up from his prayer and here comes the teacher with a look in her eyes that says he has been discovered.
As the teacher is walking towards him, a classmate named Susie is carrying a goldfish bowl that is filled with water.
Susie trips in front of the teacher and inexplicably dumps the bowl of water in the boy’s lap.
The boy pretends to be angry, but all the while is saying to himself, “Thank you, Lord! Thank you, Lord!”
Now all of a sudden, instead of being the object of ridicule, the boy is the object of sympathy.
The teacher rushes him downstairs and gives him gym shorts to put on while his pants dry out.
All the other children are on their hands and knees cleaning up around his desk.
The sympathy is wonderful
But as life would have it, the ridicule that should have been his has been transferred to someone else – Susie
She tries to help, but they tell her to get out
“You’ve done enough, you klutz!”
Finally, at the end of the day, as they are waiting for the bus, the boy walks over to Susie and whispers, “You did that on purpose, didn’t you?”
Susie whispers back, “I wet my pants once too.”
Moral: You definitely would have gone through some bad situations in life
You cannot go back and reduce your pain, but what you can definitely do is to help others who are going through the same bad situation right now.
Don’t allow someone to go through the pain you went through, and if you can’t do anything about it, then at least be with that person
No one should go through rough phases of life alone.
The girlfriend tells her boyfriend
Two bachelors are talking
27.
A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing.
The police arrive and ask for a description.
She tells them he’s 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him.
The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, “You can’t believe her. He’s 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face.”
The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report.
She replies, “Just because I reported him missing, doesn’t mean I wanted him back!”
Two Irish nuns have just arrived
A lady from the city and her traveling
A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing.
The police arrive and ask for a description.
She tells them he’s 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him.
The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, “You can’t believe her. He’s 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face.”
The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report.
She replies, “Just because I reported him missing, doesn’t mean I wanted him back!”
Two Irish nuns have just arrived
A lady from the city and her traveling
28.
Frank always looked on the bright side.
He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism.
No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply “It could have been worse.”
To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.
On the golf course one day, one of them said, “Frank, did you hear about Tom?”
“He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!”
“That’s awful,” said Frank, “but it could have been worse.”
“How in the hell,” asked his bewildered friend, “could it have been worse?”
“Well,” replied Frank, “if it happened the night before, I’d be dead now!”
A priest was hiking in the woods
The Policeman recently stopped a woman
Frank always looked on the bright side.
He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism.
No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply “It could have been worse.”
To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.
On the golf course one day, one of them said, “Frank, did you hear about Tom?”
“He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!”
“That’s awful,” said Frank, “but it could have been worse.”
“How in the hell,” asked his bewildered friend, “could it have been worse?”
“Well,” replied Frank, “if it happened the night before, I’d be dead now!”
A priest was hiking in the woods
The Policeman recently stopped a woman
29.
A man and a woman, who had never met before
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room
the two were tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 2:00 AM, he leaned over and gently wakes the woman, saying,
“Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be kind enough to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”
“I have a better idea,” she replied.
“Just for tonight, why don’t we pretend that we’re married?”
“Wow! That’s a great idea!!” he is excited.
And she said.
“Then get up and take it yourself”!!
A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention
A man walks into a Bank gets in line
A man and a woman, who had never met before
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room
the two were tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 2:00 AM, he leaned over and gently wakes the woman, saying,
“Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be kind enough to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”
“I have a better idea,” she replied.
“Just for tonight, why don’t we pretend that we’re married?”
“Wow! That’s a great idea!!” he is excited.
And she said.
“Then get up and take it yourself”!!
A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention
A man walks into a Bank gets in line
30.
Fred and Mary got married, but can’t afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred’s parent’s home for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred’s little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, “No”.
Johnny asks, “Do you know what I think?”
His mom replies, “I don’t want to hear what you think! Just go to school.”
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, “Are Fred and Mary up yet?”
She replies, “No.”
Johnny says, “Do you know what I think?”
His mom replies, “Never mind what you think! eat your lunch and go back to school.”
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, “Are Fred and Mary up yet?”
His mom says “No.”
He asks, “Do you know what I think?”
His Mom replies, “Ok, do tell me what you think?”
He says: “Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.”
A couple was celebrating their 60th anniversary
Little Johnny went to his father
Fred and Mary got married, but can’t afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred’s parent’s home for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred’s little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, “No”.
Johnny asks, “Do you know what I think?”
His mom replies, “I don’t want to hear what you think! Just go to school.”
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, “Are Fred and Mary up yet?”
She replies, “No.”
Johnny says, “Do you know what I think?”
His mom replies, “Never mind what you think! eat your lunch and go back to school.”
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, “Are Fred and Mary up yet?”
His mom says “No.”
He asks, “Do you know what I think?”
His Mom replies, “Ok, do tell me what you think?”
He says: “Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.”
A couple was celebrating their 60th anniversary
Little Johnny went to his father
Tags:
eng jokes