1.
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero.”
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week.”
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want.”
Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter?”
I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a year and do anything you want why won’t you kiss me?
The man said, “Look, I’m a computer programmer, I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.”
A woman walks into the city center
A man hears a voice
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero.”
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week.”
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want.”
Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter?”
I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a year and do anything you want why won’t you kiss me?
The man said, “Look, I’m a computer programmer, I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.”
A woman walks into the city center
A man hears a voice
2.
A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance.
The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?”
“I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked.
“Between the first and second hole.” she replied.
He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”
Wife discussing christmas presents with her maid
A man is working in a weapon store
A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance.
The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?”
“I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked.
“Between the first and second hole.” she replied.
He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”
Wife discussing christmas presents with her maid
A man is working in a weapon store
3.
Once upon a time, two brothers who lived on adjoining farms fell into conflict.
It was the first serious rift in 40 years of farming side by side, sharing machinery, and trading labor and goods as needed without a hitch.
Then the long collaboration fell apart.
It began with a small misunderstanding and it grew into a major difference, and finally it exploded into an exchange of bitter words followed by weeks of silence.
One morning there was a knock on John’s door he opened it to find a man with a carpenter’s toolbox, “I’m looking for a few days work” he said.
“Perhaps you would have a few small jobs here and there could I help you?” “Yes,” said the older brother.
“I do have a job for you look across the creek at that farm that’s my neighbor, in fact, it’s my younger brother.
Last week there was a meadow between us and he took his bulldozer to the river levee and now there is a creek between us.
Well, he may have done this to spite me, but I’ll go him one better see that pile of lumber curing by the barn?
I want you to build me a fence — an 8-foot fence — so I won’t need to see his place anymore.”
The carpenter said, “I think I understand the situation show me the nails and the post-fanny digger and I’ll be able to do a job that pleases you.”
The older brother had to go to town for supplies, so he helped the carpenter get the materials ready and then he was off for the day.
The carpenter worked hard all that day measuring, sawing, nailing.
About sunset when the farmer returned, the carpenter had just finished his job.
The farmer’s eyes opened wide, his jaw dropped.
There was no fence there at all, It was a bridge — a bridge stretching from one side of the creek to the other!
A fine piece of work — handrails and all — and the neighbor, his younger brother, was coming across, his hand outstretched.
“You are quite a fellow to build this bridge after all I’ve said and done.”
The two brothers stood at each end of the bridge, and then they met in the middle, taking each other’s hand.
They turned to see the carpenter hoist his toolbox on his shoulder.
“No, wait! Stay a few days I’ve a lot of other projects for you,” said the older brother.
“I’d love to stay on,” the carpenter said, “but, I have many more bridges to build.”
A lawyer’s dog
Two boys are playing football
Once upon a time, two brothers who lived on adjoining farms fell into conflict.
It was the first serious rift in 40 years of farming side by side, sharing machinery, and trading labor and goods as needed without a hitch.
Then the long collaboration fell apart.
It began with a small misunderstanding and it grew into a major difference, and finally it exploded into an exchange of bitter words followed by weeks of silence.
One morning there was a knock on John’s door he opened it to find a man with a carpenter’s toolbox, “I’m looking for a few days work” he said.
“Perhaps you would have a few small jobs here and there could I help you?” “Yes,” said the older brother.
“I do have a job for you look across the creek at that farm that’s my neighbor, in fact, it’s my younger brother.
Last week there was a meadow between us and he took his bulldozer to the river levee and now there is a creek between us.
Well, he may have done this to spite me, but I’ll go him one better see that pile of lumber curing by the barn?
I want you to build me a fence — an 8-foot fence — so I won’t need to see his place anymore.”
The carpenter said, “I think I understand the situation show me the nails and the post-fanny digger and I’ll be able to do a job that pleases you.”
The older brother had to go to town for supplies, so he helped the carpenter get the materials ready and then he was off for the day.
The carpenter worked hard all that day measuring, sawing, nailing.
About sunset when the farmer returned, the carpenter had just finished his job.
The farmer’s eyes opened wide, his jaw dropped.
There was no fence there at all, It was a bridge — a bridge stretching from one side of the creek to the other!
A fine piece of work — handrails and all — and the neighbor, his younger brother, was coming across, his hand outstretched.
“You are quite a fellow to build this bridge after all I’ve said and done.”
The two brothers stood at each end of the bridge, and then they met in the middle, taking each other’s hand.
They turned to see the carpenter hoist his toolbox on his shoulder.
“No, wait! Stay a few days I’ve a lot of other projects for you,” said the older brother.
“I’d love to stay on,” the carpenter said, “but, I have many more bridges to build.”
A lawyer’s dog
Two boys are playing football
4.
George raises his beer mug in the air and says, “Here’s to spending the rest of my life having lovemaking with my wife!”
The bar is filled with whistles and claps, and the bartender even gives him a ribbon that says, “Best Toast of the Month”.
When George gets home, he shows his wife, Linda, the ribbon. “And what exactly was your award-winning toast?” she asks.
George thinks for a while and says, “Here’s to spending the rest of my life going to church with my wife.”
The next day when George is at work, Linda is walking down the street when she runs into Ted, one of George’s drinking buddies.
“Your husband sure gave an awesome toast last night!” says Ted.
“I know!” replies Linda, “and he told me about it! It kind of surprised me because almost every time he goes down there, he falls asleep. A few weeks ago I had to pull him by the ear to get him to come.”
Mr. Johnson boarded a plane
A man owns a rabbit farm and is known
George raises his beer mug in the air and says, “Here’s to spending the rest of my life having lovemaking with my wife!”
The bar is filled with whistles and claps, and the bartender even gives him a ribbon that says, “Best Toast of the Month”.
When George gets home, he shows his wife, Linda, the ribbon. “And what exactly was your award-winning toast?” she asks.
George thinks for a while and says, “Here’s to spending the rest of my life going to church with my wife.”
The next day when George is at work, Linda is walking down the street when she runs into Ted, one of George’s drinking buddies.
“Your husband sure gave an awesome toast last night!” says Ted.
“I know!” replies Linda, “and he told me about it! It kind of surprised me because almost every time he goes down there, he falls asleep. A few weeks ago I had to pull him by the ear to get him to come.”
Mr. Johnson boarded a plane
A man owns a rabbit farm and is known
5.
Two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”
“Sand,” answered Juan.
The guard says, “We’ll just see about that. Get off the bike.”
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analysed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens.
The guard asks, “What have you got?”
“Sand,” says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.
He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on the bicycle.
This sequence of events is repeated every day for 3 years.
Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Canting in Mexico by coincidence.
“Hey buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something.
It’s driving me crazy.
It’s all I think about and I can’t sleep.
Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?”
Nasruddin Hodja had a buffalo
The devil decides to them a visit
Two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”
“Sand,” answered Juan.
The guard says, “We’ll just see about that. Get off the bike.”
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analysed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens.
The guard asks, “What have you got?”
“Sand,” says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.
He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on the bicycle.
This sequence of events is repeated every day for 3 years.
Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Canting in Mexico by coincidence.
“Hey buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something.
It’s driving me crazy.
It’s all I think about and I can’t sleep.
Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?”
Nasruddin Hodja had a buffalo
The devil decides to them a visit
6.
A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he passed a policeman who said,
“Now, now young lad, I think you had better take that monkey the zoo.”
The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again, when he passed the same policeman.
The policeman said, “Hey there, I thought I told you to take that money to the zoo!”
The boy answered, “I did! Today I’m taking him to the cinema.”
Two factory workers are talking
A man found a genie in a magic lamp
A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he passed a policeman who said,
“Now, now young lad, I think you had better take that monkey the zoo.”
The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again, when he passed the same policeman.
The policeman said, “Hey there, I thought I told you to take that money to the zoo!”
The boy answered, “I did! Today I’m taking him to the cinema.”
Two factory workers are talking
A man found a genie in a magic lamp
7.
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.
Someone had given me a little “tea set” as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of “tea”, which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea,…
because it was “just the cutest thing!”
My Mom waited, and sure enough, I walked down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watched him drink it up.
Then she says, (as only a mother would know… ?
“Did it ever occur to you that the only place that your daughter can reach to get water is the toilet?”
One afternoon a Lawyer was driving home
Innocent Babies Conversation
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.
Someone had given me a little “tea set” as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of “tea”, which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea,…
because it was “just the cutest thing!”
My Mom waited, and sure enough, I walked down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watched him drink it up.
Then she says, (as only a mother would know… ?
“Did it ever occur to you that the only place that your daughter can reach to get water is the toilet?”
One afternoon a Lawyer was driving home
Innocent Babies Conversation
8.
The teacher asks her class
“What is love?”
Little Johnny stands up says ,
“love is the temptation caused by the sensation when a boy sticks his location into a girl’s destination.
Did you get my explanation or do you need a demonstration?”
And the teacher fainted.
A guy meet his friends for drink
Elder brother and his girlfriend
The teacher asks her class
“What is love?”
Little Johnny stands up says ,
“love is the temptation caused by the sensation when a boy sticks his location into a girl’s destination.
Did you get my explanation or do you need a demonstration?”
And the teacher fainted.
A guy meet his friends for drink
Elder brother and his girlfriend
9.
A couple invites their family over for Thanksgiving to spend the holiday together.
The family gathers, but the couple’s children are late and the mother-in-law complains aloud:
“Ugh, your children, always late.”
Eventually, everyone comes and sits down to eat, the mother-in-law insists on sitting at the head of the table and no one has the strength to argue with her.
After a few minutes, the hungry mother-in-law begins to complain:
“Ugh, what’s with the food here, why is it always late?”
A few minutes later, the couple brings out the meal they have prepared for their family, mostly cooked by the wife.
Everyone eats and the evening continues.
While they are in the middle of their main course, the mother-in-law says:
“Ugh, I better start clearing the dishes so we can at least move on to the last dish on time.”
A mere second after she gets up, the large wall clock hanging over the head of the table falls down, reducing her chair to pieces and almost hitting her.
Everyone is in shock until the bride mumbles to herself: “Ugh, this clock… always late.”
A new young blonde bride calls her mother
A 45 year old woman arrives home
A couple invites their family over for Thanksgiving to spend the holiday together.
The family gathers, but the couple’s children are late and the mother-in-law complains aloud:
“Ugh, your children, always late.”
Eventually, everyone comes and sits down to eat, the mother-in-law insists on sitting at the head of the table and no one has the strength to argue with her.
After a few minutes, the hungry mother-in-law begins to complain:
“Ugh, what’s with the food here, why is it always late?”
A few minutes later, the couple brings out the meal they have prepared for their family, mostly cooked by the wife.
Everyone eats and the evening continues.
While they are in the middle of their main course, the mother-in-law says:
“Ugh, I better start clearing the dishes so we can at least move on to the last dish on time.”
A mere second after she gets up, the large wall clock hanging over the head of the table falls down, reducing her chair to pieces and almost hitting her.
Everyone is in shock until the bride mumbles to herself: “Ugh, this clock… always late.”
A new young blonde bride calls her mother
A 45 year old woman arrives home
10.
A state government employee sits in his office, and out of boredom decides to see what’s in his old filing cabinet.
He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.
“This would look nice on my mantelpiece,” he thinks, so he takes it home with him.
While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.
“I wish for an ice-cold diet Pepsi right now!” POOF! A Pepsi appears before him on his desk, so he picks it up and guzzles it all at once.
Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish.
“I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside.” POOF! Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully.
He then tells the genie his third and last wish: “I wish I’d never have to work ever again.” POOF! He’s back in his government office.
Little Johnny and Billy are walking
A woman goes to the supermarket
A state government employee sits in his office, and out of boredom decides to see what’s in his old filing cabinet.
He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.
“This would look nice on my mantelpiece,” he thinks, so he takes it home with him.
While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.
“I wish for an ice-cold diet Pepsi right now!” POOF! A Pepsi appears before him on his desk, so he picks it up and guzzles it all at once.
Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish.
“I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside.” POOF! Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully.
He then tells the genie his third and last wish: “I wish I’d never have to work ever again.” POOF! He’s back in his government office.
Little Johnny and Billy are walking
A woman goes to the supermarket
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11.
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.
He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer;
Had an affair with his boss’ wife; lovemaking with his boss’ 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs;
had several homosual affairs; was arrested several times for public undressed and gave VD to his sister-in-law.
I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things…
But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”
Just as the Priest finished his talk the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.
He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
“I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived” said the politician
“In fact I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”
These Three Go To Heaven
The jar was full of nuts
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.
He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer;
Had an affair with his boss’ wife; lovemaking with his boss’ 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs;
had several homosual affairs; was arrested several times for public undressed and gave VD to his sister-in-law.
I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things…
But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”
Just as the Priest finished his talk the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.
He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
“I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived” said the politician
“In fact I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”
These Three Go To Heaven
The jar was full of nuts
12.
A couple of tourists were dining at a fine restaurant in Paris.
After waiting for an hour, the husband finally was able to catch the waiter’s eye.
“I want a bottle of your best wine,” he ordered.
“What year?” asked the waiter.
“Right now!” bellowed the tourist.
A wife asked her husband to describe
Two little boys were arguing
A couple of tourists were dining at a fine restaurant in Paris.
After waiting for an hour, the husband finally was able to catch the waiter’s eye.
“I want a bottle of your best wine,” he ordered.
“What year?” asked the waiter.
“Right now!” bellowed the tourist.
A wife asked her husband to describe
Two little boys were arguing
13.
“A 70 years old retired Military officer had one hobby he loved to fish.
He was sitting in his boat and fishing when he heard a voice say, ‘Pick me up’ .
He looked around and couldn’t see anyone.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the same voice say again, ‘Pick me up.’
He looked in the water and saw a frog floating on the water surface.
The officer asked the frog: ‘Are you talking to me?’
The frog said, ‘Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up & kiss me; and I’ll turn into the most beautiful girl you have ever seen. I’ll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous, because I will be your bride!’
The retired officer looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his shirt pocket.
The frog said, ‘What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said?’
I said, ‘Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride.’
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
‘Nah. I would like to have a talking frog rather than a nagging wife with age wisdom comes!
Three old ladies were sitting at dinner
A accountant is in a car travelling
“A 70 years old retired Military officer had one hobby he loved to fish.
He was sitting in his boat and fishing when he heard a voice say, ‘Pick me up’ .
He looked around and couldn’t see anyone.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the same voice say again, ‘Pick me up.’
He looked in the water and saw a frog floating on the water surface.
The officer asked the frog: ‘Are you talking to me?’
The frog said, ‘Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up & kiss me; and I’ll turn into the most beautiful girl you have ever seen. I’ll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous, because I will be your bride!’
The retired officer looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his shirt pocket.
The frog said, ‘What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said?’
I said, ‘Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride.’
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
‘Nah. I would like to have a talking frog rather than a nagging wife with age wisdom comes!
Three old ladies were sitting at dinner
A accountant is in a car travelling
14.
Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old man.
“You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out.”
“Ah, that’s nothing,” said the 70-year-old.
“When you’re seventy, you don’t have a bowel movement any more.
You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing’ comes out!”
“Actually,” said the 80-year -old,
“Eighty is the worst age of all.”
“Do you have trouble peeing, too?”
asked the 60-year old.
“No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.”
“So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?”
“No, I have one every morning at 6:30.”
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said,
“You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what’s so bad about being 80?”
“I don’t wake up until 7:00.”
A guy phones up his Boss
Bob was fixing a door
Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old man.
“You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out.”
“Ah, that’s nothing,” said the 70-year-old.
“When you’re seventy, you don’t have a bowel movement any more.
You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing’ comes out!”
“Actually,” said the 80-year -old,
“Eighty is the worst age of all.”
“Do you have trouble peeing, too?”
asked the 60-year old.
“No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.”
“So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?”
“No, I have one every morning at 6:30.”
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said,
“You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what’s so bad about being 80?”
“I don’t wake up until 7:00.”
A guy phones up his Boss
Bob was fixing a door
15.
Little Johnny was told by his friends that adults have a deep dark secret and cab be easily manipulated.
Johnny decides to test it.
He comes home, goes up to his mother and says,
“Mom, I know everything.” Mom shushes him and gives him $10.
“Just don’t tell Dad” she says.
Hey, it’s working thinks Little Johnny.
An hour later, Dad comes home from work.
Johnny goes up to him and says:
“Dad, I know everything.”
Dad gives Johnny $100.
“Don’t tell Mom”, he says.
Just then, the mailman knocks on the door.
Johnny opens it and says.
“I know everything, Mister.”
The mailman drops all his mail, his eyes tear up and he says:
“Well then Johnny, come give Daddy a hug.”
A father put his daughter to bed
A doctor asked a old man and his wife
Little Johnny was told by his friends that adults have a deep dark secret and cab be easily manipulated.
Johnny decides to test it.
He comes home, goes up to his mother and says,
“Mom, I know everything.” Mom shushes him and gives him $10.
“Just don’t tell Dad” she says.
Hey, it’s working thinks Little Johnny.
An hour later, Dad comes home from work.
Johnny goes up to him and says:
“Dad, I know everything.”
Dad gives Johnny $100.
“Don’t tell Mom”, he says.
Just then, the mailman knocks on the door.
Johnny opens it and says.
“I know everything, Mister.”
The mailman drops all his mail, his eyes tear up and he says:
“Well then Johnny, come give Daddy a hug.”
A father put his daughter to bed
A doctor asked a old man and his wife
16.
A grandmother was surprised when she woke up to a cup of coffee from her 8-year-old grandson Johnny.
She gulped down the most bitter coffee she has ever tasted but she downs it all because she wants her grandson to feel like he made something his grandma loved.
At the bottom of the cup, she found three little green army men.
Puzzled, she asked, “Honey, what are these toys doing in my coffee?”
The boy replied “I’m just doing what it says on the TV, grandma
“The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.”
A man enters a barber shop
A man was sitting on the edge
A grandmother was surprised when she woke up to a cup of coffee from her 8-year-old grandson Johnny.
She gulped down the most bitter coffee she has ever tasted but she downs it all because she wants her grandson to feel like he made something his grandma loved.
At the bottom of the cup, she found three little green army men.
Puzzled, she asked, “Honey, what are these toys doing in my coffee?”
The boy replied “I’m just doing what it says on the TV, grandma
“The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.”
A man enters a barber shop
A man was sitting on the edge
17.
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle.
She was very attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for lovemaking.
“What’s that?” he asked.
She explained to him what make love was, and he said, “Oh, Tarzan use that hole in trunk of tree.”
Horrified, she said, “Tarzan you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly.”
She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and open her legs.
“Here,” she said, pointing, “You must put it in here.”
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony.
Eventually she managed to gasp, “Why the hell did you do that?”
“Tarzan check for bees!”
A man walking along the beach
This elderly lady went to the doctor
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle.
She was very attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for lovemaking.
“What’s that?” he asked.
She explained to him what make love was, and he said, “Oh, Tarzan use that hole in trunk of tree.”
Horrified, she said, “Tarzan you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly.”
She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and open her legs.
“Here,” she said, pointing, “You must put it in here.”
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony.
Eventually she managed to gasp, “Why the hell did you do that?”
“Tarzan check for bees!”
A man walking along the beach
This elderly lady went to the doctor
18.
A police officer pulls over an elderly couple He walks up to the driver’s side window and asks the husband for his license and registration.
The wife, hard of hearing, asks “what?! What did he say to you?”
The husband replies, “he wants my license!”
The officer asks him if he knew how fast he was going.
The wife yells “what?! What did he say to you?”
The husband yells back “he says I was speeding!”
As the officer looks at the license he notices they’re from Ohio
“you know, I used to live in Ohio. Worst place ever. I was seeing this woman there, and it was just miserable.”
She would never shut up, couldn’t cook worth s!!!!!!!t, constantly belittled me.
The old lady once again yells “what?! What did he say to you?”
The husband yells back “he said you two used to date!”
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper
A new young blonde bride calls her mother
A police officer pulls over an elderly couple He walks up to the driver’s side window and asks the husband for his license and registration.
The wife, hard of hearing, asks “what?! What did he say to you?”
The husband replies, “he wants my license!”
The officer asks him if he knew how fast he was going.
The wife yells “what?! What did he say to you?”
The husband yells back “he says I was speeding!”
As the officer looks at the license he notices they’re from Ohio
“you know, I used to live in Ohio. Worst place ever. I was seeing this woman there, and it was just miserable.”
She would never shut up, couldn’t cook worth s!!!!!!!t, constantly belittled me.
The old lady once again yells “what?! What did he say to you?”
The husband yells back “he said you two used to date!”
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper
A new young blonde bride calls her mother
19.
A rich cheapskate hires a local handyman from the want ads.
The handyman shows up in overalls, chewing a piece of straw in his teeth.
“What y’all want done ’round here?” the bumpkin asks.
“I need you to demolish my porch. Smash it apart, and haul the scrap away to the junkyard.”
“Alrighty!” says the bumpkin. “I’ll have ‘er done in a jiffy.” And off he goes.
He comes back, several hours later, all sweaty, and tired. “Well… work’s all done.
But you of all folks oughta know, that that weren’t no Porsche. It’s was a Ferrari.”
A guy dials his home and a strange woman
A guy phones up his Boss
A rich cheapskate hires a local handyman from the want ads.
The handyman shows up in overalls, chewing a piece of straw in his teeth.
“What y’all want done ’round here?” the bumpkin asks.
“I need you to demolish my porch. Smash it apart, and haul the scrap away to the junkyard.”
“Alrighty!” says the bumpkin. “I’ll have ‘er done in a jiffy.” And off he goes.
He comes back, several hours later, all sweaty, and tired. “Well… work’s all done.
But you of all folks oughta know, that that weren’t no Porsche. It’s was a Ferrari.”
A guy dials his home and a strange woman
A guy phones up his Boss
20.
A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St.Peter is leafing through the big book to see if the guy is worthy of entering.
Saint Peter goes through the book several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, “You know, I can’t see that you did anything really good in your life, but, you never did anything bad either.
Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you’re in.”
The guy thinks for a moment and says, “Well, there was the time when I was driving down the highway and I saw a group of biker guys gathered around this poor girl.
I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there were about 20 of ’em tormenting this girl.”
“Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear.
As I walked up to the leader, the gang formed a circle around me so, I ripped the leader’s chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron.
Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, ‘Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You’re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals!
Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!
St.Peter, impressed, says, “Really? When did this happen?”
“Oh, about two minutes ago.”
They were reaching a stalemate
The General went out to find
A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St.Peter is leafing through the big book to see if the guy is worthy of entering.
Saint Peter goes through the book several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, “You know, I can’t see that you did anything really good in your life, but, you never did anything bad either.
Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you’re in.”
The guy thinks for a moment and says, “Well, there was the time when I was driving down the highway and I saw a group of biker guys gathered around this poor girl.
I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there were about 20 of ’em tormenting this girl.”
“Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear.
As I walked up to the leader, the gang formed a circle around me so, I ripped the leader’s chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron.
Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, ‘Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You’re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals!
Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!
St.Peter, impressed, says, “Really? When did this happen?”
“Oh, about two minutes ago.”
They were reaching a stalemate
The General went out to find
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21.
A man gathered all of his children together and said,
“Children when George Washington knocked down the cherry tree, he told his father honestly that it was him, now answer me honestly, Who knocked down the outhouse?”
Finally the youngest son admitted it was him, at which he received a lashing he wouldn’t soon forget.
“That’s not fair” complained the son, “George Washington didn’t get punished when he told the truth.”
“Son” replied the Father “The difference is, that George Washington’s a father wasn’t in the tree when he knocked it down!”
Jim grabbed his suitcase
The woman had two female parrots
A man gathered all of his children together and said,
“Children when George Washington knocked down the cherry tree, he told his father honestly that it was him, now answer me honestly, Who knocked down the outhouse?”
Finally the youngest son admitted it was him, at which he received a lashing he wouldn’t soon forget.
“That’s not fair” complained the son, “George Washington didn’t get punished when he told the truth.”
“Son” replied the Father “The difference is, that George Washington’s a father wasn’t in the tree when he knocked it down!”
Jim grabbed his suitcase
The woman had two female parrots
22.
A woman went to doctor’s office for her annual examination.
Suddenly, another older doctor noticed her burst out of the examination room, screaming as she ran down the hall.
He stopped the hysterical woman and asked her to sit down and relax.
Then, he asked her what she was so upset about.
A few minutes later, the older doctor marched back to the woman’s doctor and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children, and seven grandchildren… and you told her she was pregnant?”
The woman’s doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard, “Cured her hiccups though, didn’t I?”
A teacher asks the kids
Two blondes were driving along a road
A woman went to doctor’s office for her annual examination.
Suddenly, another older doctor noticed her burst out of the examination room, screaming as she ran down the hall.
He stopped the hysterical woman and asked her to sit down and relax.
Then, he asked her what she was so upset about.
A few minutes later, the older doctor marched back to the woman’s doctor and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children, and seven grandchildren… and you told her she was pregnant?”
The woman’s doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard, “Cured her hiccups though, didn’t I?”
A teacher asks the kids
Two blondes were driving along a road
23.
One Monday morning a guy was in the neighborhood on his usual route.
As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway, his wonder is cut short by Billy the homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
“Wow Billy, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night,” the man comments.
Billy in obvious pain replies,
“Actually we had it Saturday night, this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning.
We had about fifteen couples over for our anniversary bash and got a bit wild.
Hell we even got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I.”
The guy thinks a moment and says, “How do you play that?”
Billy continues between hung over gasps,
“Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our “units” showing through a hole in the sheet.
Then the women try to guess who it is.”
The guy laughs and says, “Damn,… I’m sorry I missed that.”
Billy responds,
“But your name was guessed six to seven times.”
Two young nuns are ordered to paint a room
A married Irishman went into the confessional
One Monday morning a guy was in the neighborhood on his usual route.
As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway, his wonder is cut short by Billy the homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
“Wow Billy, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night,” the man comments.
Billy in obvious pain replies,
“Actually we had it Saturday night, this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning.
We had about fifteen couples over for our anniversary bash and got a bit wild.
Hell we even got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I.”
The guy thinks a moment and says, “How do you play that?”
Billy continues between hung over gasps,
“Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our “units” showing through a hole in the sheet.
Then the women try to guess who it is.”
The guy laughs and says, “Damn,… I’m sorry I missed that.”
Billy responds,
“But your name was guessed six to seven times.”
Two young nuns are ordered to paint a room
A married Irishman went into the confessional
24.
The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”
Little Mary’s mouth fell open.
Then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!”
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?”
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”
Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and continued.
“As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn’t read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.”
He called his wife to make up an excuse
A elderly man selected a primary care specialist
The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”
Little Mary’s mouth fell open.
Then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!”
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?”
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”
Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and continued.
“As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn’t read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.”
He called his wife to make up an excuse
A elderly man selected a primary care specialist
25.
The town decided to put on a Christmas carol performance, but there was some drama in the cast.
The choir was a mess, the stage crew had forgotten the props, and the lead singer kept missing the high notes.
In the middle of “Silent Night,” the audience started to get restless, and little Timmy, sitting in the front row, loudly whispered,
“Mom, why is everyone singing so off-key?”
Mom, trying to hush him, said, “Timmy, just enjoy the Christmas spirit.”
But Timmy shouted, “I’m enjoying the Christmas chaos!”
A blonde gets on an airplane
Two gas company servicemen
The town decided to put on a Christmas carol performance, but there was some drama in the cast.
The choir was a mess, the stage crew had forgotten the props, and the lead singer kept missing the high notes.
In the middle of “Silent Night,” the audience started to get restless, and little Timmy, sitting in the front row, loudly whispered,
“Mom, why is everyone singing so off-key?”
Mom, trying to hush him, said, “Timmy, just enjoy the Christmas spirit.”
But Timmy shouted, “I’m enjoying the Christmas chaos!”
A blonde gets on an airplane
Two gas company servicemen
26.
Wife: I heard you have a new secretary today?
Husband: yes.
Wife: Is she smart?
Husband: yes.
Wife: Is she pretty?
Husband: yes.
Wife: How did she dress today?
Husband:Very quickly.
Grandpa and Johnny are sitting on a bench
A couple moves into a new neighborhood
Wife: I heard you have a new secretary today?
Husband: yes.
Wife: Is she smart?
Husband: yes.
Wife: Is she pretty?
Husband: yes.
Wife: How did she dress today?
Husband:Very quickly.
Grandpa and Johnny are sitting on a bench
A couple moves into a new neighborhood
27.
A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GO.
It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.
He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”
The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”
“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”
“Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.
The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”
“No problem,” replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right, but I’ll stick with my moped!”
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror what it could be…and suddenly.
Something whips by him going much faster!
“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself.
He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped!
Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.
WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!
He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way to 250 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably, the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?”
The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”
A man settles in his seat
A man walks out onto a busy New York City
A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GO.
It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.
He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”
The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”
“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”
“Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.
The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”
“No problem,” replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right, but I’ll stick with my moped!”
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror what it could be…and suddenly.
Something whips by him going much faster!
“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself.
He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped!
Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.
WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!
He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way to 250 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably, the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?”
The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”
A man settles in his seat
A man walks out onto a busy New York City
28.
Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye.
Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere.
“Jesus is watching you.”
The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes.
After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing.
A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns.
“Jesus is watching you.”
Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual.
He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it.
Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, “Jesus is watching you.”
The robber realized it was the parrot talking!
Going to the parrot, he asks it, “Are you the one who’s been talking to me?”
The parrot responds, “Yes.”
The thief couldn’t believe it.
So, he asks another question.
“What is your name?”
“Ismael” the parrot replies.
The man scoffed.
“What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?”
The parrot speaks yet again,
“The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus.”
On his last day of work
He saw an ad in the newspaper
Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye.
Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere.
“Jesus is watching you.”
The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes.
After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing.
A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns.
“Jesus is watching you.”
Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual.
He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it.
Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, “Jesus is watching you.”
The robber realized it was the parrot talking!
Going to the parrot, he asks it, “Are you the one who’s been talking to me?”
The parrot responds, “Yes.”
The thief couldn’t believe it.
So, he asks another question.
“What is your name?”
“Ismael” the parrot replies.
The man scoffed.
“What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?”
The parrot speaks yet again,
“The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus.”
On his last day of work
He saw an ad in the newspaper
29.
A homeless man decides to rob a Russian restaurant.
Since it was so early, the only one that was working at that time was the scrawny waitor as the chef/boss had gone to run a quick errand.
The homeless man, only waving his fists, threatened the waitor to give him his best food or “he would be in a world of hurt”.
Even though the waitor was as skinny as a rail, he decided to take on the homeless man.
Unsurprisingly the homeless man quickly beat him up and ran to the kitchen.
Before the waitor could get back up, the man had already taken off with a big pot of food.
Later as the boss returns to the kitchen, he sees that something is missing.
He goes out to the waitor and yells; “Where is the Goulash”.
He then notices that the waitor is pretty beat up and then proceeds to asks,
“WTF happened to you and why is our best selling dish gone”?
The waitor spills it all; “A homeless man came in, beat me up and stole the Goulash, if only it was stroganoff”
Rubbing a toilet paper
A famous scientist was on his way
A homeless man decides to rob a Russian restaurant.
Since it was so early, the only one that was working at that time was the scrawny waitor as the chef/boss had gone to run a quick errand.
The homeless man, only waving his fists, threatened the waitor to give him his best food or “he would be in a world of hurt”.
Even though the waitor was as skinny as a rail, he decided to take on the homeless man.
Unsurprisingly the homeless man quickly beat him up and ran to the kitchen.
Before the waitor could get back up, the man had already taken off with a big pot of food.
Later as the boss returns to the kitchen, he sees that something is missing.
He goes out to the waitor and yells; “Where is the Goulash”.
He then notices that the waitor is pretty beat up and then proceeds to asks,
“WTF happened to you and why is our best selling dish gone”?
The waitor spills it all; “A homeless man came in, beat me up and stole the Goulash, if only it was stroganoff”
Rubbing a toilet paper
A famous scientist was on his way
30.
Four guys are playing golf together and talking about how successful their sons are.
The first says, “My son is so successful, he’s VP of his company and just gave his best friend a car.”
The second says, “That’s nothing, my son is CEO of his company and just gave his best friend a house.”
The third says, “Well, my son owns 3 highly profitable companies and just gave his best friend a jet.”
They look expectantly at the last guy who says, “My son is a lesbian escort who gets showered with love and admiration. He just got a car, a house, and a jet from three of his clients.”
Two elderly ladies are sitting
The visiting church school supervisor asks
Four guys are playing golf together and talking about how successful their sons are.
The first says, “My son is so successful, he’s VP of his company and just gave his best friend a car.”
The second says, “That’s nothing, my son is CEO of his company and just gave his best friend a house.”
The third says, “Well, my son owns 3 highly profitable companies and just gave his best friend a jet.”
They look expectantly at the last guy who says, “My son is a lesbian escort who gets showered with love and admiration. He just got a car, a house, and a jet from three of his clients.”
Two elderly ladies are sitting
The visiting church school supervisor asks
Tags:
eng jokes