1.
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle, she was very attracted to him.
During her questions about his life, she asked him how he had make love.
“Tarzan not know make love,” he replied.
Jane explained to him what lovemaking was.
Tarzan said, “Oh… Tarzan use h*le in trunk of tree.”
Horrified, she said, “Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.”
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.
“Here” she said, “you must put it in here.”
Tarzan removed his loincloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood.
Tarzan stepped closer, and then gave her a mighty kick right in the privet part!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed: “What did you do that for?”
“Tarzan check for squirrel”
One day a little boy gets on a bus
A family is sitting around the supper table
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle, she was very attracted to him.
During her questions about his life, she asked him how he had make love.
“Tarzan not know make love,” he replied.
Jane explained to him what lovemaking was.
Tarzan said, “Oh… Tarzan use h*le in trunk of tree.”
Horrified, she said, “Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.”
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.
“Here” she said, “you must put it in here.”
Tarzan removed his loincloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood.
Tarzan stepped closer, and then gave her a mighty kick right in the privet part!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed: “What did you do that for?”
“Tarzan check for squirrel”
One day a little boy gets on a bus
A family is sitting around the supper table
2.
One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well.
The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him.
They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.
Then, to everyone’s amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well.
He was astonished at what he saw.
With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer’s neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.
The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.
Each of our troubles is a steppingstone.
We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up!
Shake it off and take a step up.
NOW, Enough of that crap.
The donkey later came back and bit out of the farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY’S LESSON: When you do something wrong and try to cover your bum, it always comes back to bite you.
Getting late for a meeting
A man’s favorite donkey
One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well.
The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him.
They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.
Then, to everyone’s amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well.
He was astonished at what he saw.
With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer’s neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.
The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.
Each of our troubles is a steppingstone.
We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up!
Shake it off and take a step up.
NOW, Enough of that crap.
The donkey later came back and bit out of the farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY’S LESSON: When you do something wrong and try to cover your bum, it always comes back to bite you.
Getting late for a meeting
A man’s favorite donkey
3.
The male teacher in a girls school asked the science class: “Who can tell me what organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated? Mary, can you tell me?”
Mary blushed furiously as she stood up.
Then replied, “Sir, how dare you ask such a question? I will complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal.”
The male teacher was taken aback at first by Mary’s reaction.
Then, as understanding dawned on him, he called for another pupil, this time a volunteer.
Lilly put up her hand. “Yes, Lilly?” asked the teacher.
“Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the eye.”
“Very good. Thanks, Lilly,” said the male teacher.
He then turned to the 1st girl, who threatened to complain to her parents and principal: “Well, Mary, I have 3 things to tell you:
First, you have NOT done your HOMEWORK.
Second, you have a DIRTY mind.
And thirdly, I fear, one day in future, you are going to be sadly disappointed!”
A frail old man is put in to a care home
A man walks into the front door
The male teacher in a girls school asked the science class: “Who can tell me what organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated? Mary, can you tell me?”
Mary blushed furiously as she stood up.
Then replied, “Sir, how dare you ask such a question? I will complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal.”
The male teacher was taken aback at first by Mary’s reaction.
Then, as understanding dawned on him, he called for another pupil, this time a volunteer.
Lilly put up her hand. “Yes, Lilly?” asked the teacher.
“Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the eye.”
“Very good. Thanks, Lilly,” said the male teacher.
He then turned to the 1st girl, who threatened to complain to her parents and principal: “Well, Mary, I have 3 things to tell you:
First, you have NOT done your HOMEWORK.
Second, you have a DIRTY mind.
And thirdly, I fear, one day in future, you are going to be sadly disappointed!”
A frail old man is put in to a care home
A man walks into the front door
4.
An american was touring Mexico.
After his day’s sight-seeing, he stops at a local restaurant.
While sipping his wine, he notices a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only it looked good, but the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, “What was that you just served the gentleman at the next table?”
The waiter replied, “Ah, senor, you have excellent taste! Those were the bull’s testicles from the bull-fight this morning. A delicacy!”
The American was momentarily daunted when he learnt the origin of the dish.
But then he said, “What the hell? I am on vacation! Bring me an order!”
The waiter replied, “I am sorry, senor. There is only one serving a day, since there is only one bull-fight each morning.
If you come early tomorrow and place your order, you will be sure to have this delicacy!”
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, he called the waiter and said,
“These are smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!”
The waiter replied, “Si, senor, I know. But sometimes the bull wins.
Doctor’s Good Decent Assistant
Two gay men decide to have a baby
An american was touring Mexico.
After his day’s sight-seeing, he stops at a local restaurant.
While sipping his wine, he notices a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only it looked good, but the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, “What was that you just served the gentleman at the next table?”
The waiter replied, “Ah, senor, you have excellent taste! Those were the bull’s testicles from the bull-fight this morning. A delicacy!”
The American was momentarily daunted when he learnt the origin of the dish.
But then he said, “What the hell? I am on vacation! Bring me an order!”
The waiter replied, “I am sorry, senor. There is only one serving a day, since there is only one bull-fight each morning.
If you come early tomorrow and place your order, you will be sure to have this delicacy!”
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, he called the waiter and said,
“These are smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!”
The waiter replied, “Si, senor, I know. But sometimes the bull wins.
Doctor’s Good Decent Assistant
Two gay men decide to have a baby
5.
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical.
After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
Many years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi million dollar machines.
They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail.
In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
He spent a day studying the huge machine.
At the end of the day, he marked a small “x” in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated,
“This is where your problem is.”
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service.
They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly:
“One chalk mark $1 knowing where to put it $49,999”
A attorney arrived home late
Johnny is constantly late for school
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical.
After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
Many years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi million dollar machines.
They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail.
In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
He spent a day studying the huge machine.
At the end of the day, he marked a small “x” in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated,
“This is where your problem is.”
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service.
They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly:
“One chalk mark $1 knowing where to put it $49,999”
A attorney arrived home late
Johnny is constantly late for school
6.
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning.
“I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows.
“Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door and there is man standing at the door It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
“Hi there.” slurs the stranger, “Can you give me a push?”
“No, get lost, it’s half past three I was in bed.” says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says,
Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again?
What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?
“But the guy was drunk.” says the husband.
“It doesn’t matter.” says the wife.
“He needs your help.”
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts:
“Hey, do you still want a push?”
He hears a voice cry out, “Yeah please.”
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: “Where are you?”
And the stranger replies: “I’m over here, on your swing.”
A woman’s husband had been slipping in coma
Three Brothers Get Married
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning.
“I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows.
“Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door and there is man standing at the door It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
“Hi there.” slurs the stranger, “Can you give me a push?”
“No, get lost, it’s half past three I was in bed.” says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says,
Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again?
What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?
“But the guy was drunk.” says the husband.
“It doesn’t matter.” says the wife.
“He needs your help.”
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts:
“Hey, do you still want a push?”
He hears a voice cry out, “Yeah please.”
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: “Where are you?”
And the stranger replies: “I’m over here, on your swing.”
A woman’s husband had been slipping in coma
Three Brothers Get Married
7.
The teacher was teaching the kids about starvation.
Being a good teacher,she decided to call on selected students to draw a picture of starvation on the board.
Sue went first, she drew a round circle with three little lines in the middle of the circle.
The teacher said, “That’s very good Sue. What is it?”
Sue said, “That’s a plate with only three carrot sticks to eat, I think that… represents starvation.”
Next went Dan, he drew a round circle with 3 dots in the middle.
The teacher said, “That’s good Dan. What is it?”
Dan said, “That’s a plate with only 3 peas to eat. I think that represents starvation.”
Johnny went next. He drew a picture of a round circle with little squiggly lines all over in the circle.
The teacher said, “That’s good Johnny. What is it?”
Johnny said, “That’s an backside with cobwebs……..
If that isn’t starvation, I don’t know what is.
Once there were three men
Steve got a job as a lumberjack
The teacher was teaching the kids about starvation.
Being a good teacher,she decided to call on selected students to draw a picture of starvation on the board.
Sue went first, she drew a round circle with three little lines in the middle of the circle.
The teacher said, “That’s very good Sue. What is it?”
Sue said, “That’s a plate with only three carrot sticks to eat, I think that… represents starvation.”
Next went Dan, he drew a round circle with 3 dots in the middle.
The teacher said, “That’s good Dan. What is it?”
Dan said, “That’s a plate with only 3 peas to eat. I think that represents starvation.”
Johnny went next. He drew a picture of a round circle with little squiggly lines all over in the circle.
The teacher said, “That’s good Johnny. What is it?”
Johnny said, “That’s an backside with cobwebs……..
If that isn’t starvation, I don’t know what is.
Once there were three men
Steve got a job as a lumberjack
8.
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
“Where are you hurting?” asked the doctor.
“You have to help me, I hurt all over”, said the woman.
“What do you mean, all over?” asked the doctor, “be a little more specific.”
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, “Ow, that hurts.”
Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, “Ouch! That hurts, too.”
Then she touched her right earlobe, “Ow, even THAT hurts”, she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, “You have a broken finger.”
A man and his wife were in divorce court
A man phones home from his office
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
“Where are you hurting?” asked the doctor.
“You have to help me, I hurt all over”, said the woman.
“What do you mean, all over?” asked the doctor, “be a little more specific.”
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, “Ow, that hurts.”
Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, “Ouch! That hurts, too.”
Then she touched her right earlobe, “Ow, even THAT hurts”, she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, “You have a broken finger.”
A man and his wife were in divorce court
A man phones home from his office
9.
A horse, a cow, and a chicken live on a farm.
One day their owner goes on vacation but accidentally leaves the TV on.
The animals peek in the window and witness a rock concert on the TV, they’re inspired.
So the horse calls up guitar center and asks, “hey I want to learn the guitar, but there’s one problem: I’m a horse.”
The employee says “no problem come right down we’ll teach you everything you need to know” and before you know it, he’s jamming out on the guitar.
After that, the cow calls too and says, “hey I want to learn how to play the bass but there’s a problem: I’m a cow” to where the employee replies “awesome! We have special bass lessons just for cows this week come on down!”
And before you know it the horse and cow are jamming in harmony with their guitar and bass.
Lastly the chicken calls and asks for drum lessons, to where he is accepted with open arms.
They are now all jamming in the barn and having a blast.
A few days later, a record producer coincidentally walks through town and sees the horse, cow, and the chicken making music.
He instantly knows he has to make them famous and offers them a deal.
Now the horse, cow, and chicken are famous, worldwide rock stars making millions of dollars and even moved off the farm to a luxurious estate.
With the fortune came fame and life were great.
One day, on the way to tour before boarding the plane, the horse gets a phone call, his mom is sick!
The cow and the chicken say “don’t worry we’ll go without you, catch up and the tour will continue it’ll be fine”
So the horse goes to check on his mother. It turns out it was a false alarm, but the plane crashes and the cow and chicken die.
The horse is devastated, the money power and fame are gone, the music is in the past, and he is back to the barn, but alone without his friends.
In agony and desperation after such a long journey, he decides to get a drink.
He walks into the bar and the bartender asks: “Why the long face?”
Two men are having slow round of golf
Two old guys were sitting on a park bench
A horse, a cow, and a chicken live on a farm.
One day their owner goes on vacation but accidentally leaves the TV on.
The animals peek in the window and witness a rock concert on the TV, they’re inspired.
So the horse calls up guitar center and asks, “hey I want to learn the guitar, but there’s one problem: I’m a horse.”
The employee says “no problem come right down we’ll teach you everything you need to know” and before you know it, he’s jamming out on the guitar.
After that, the cow calls too and says, “hey I want to learn how to play the bass but there’s a problem: I’m a cow” to where the employee replies “awesome! We have special bass lessons just for cows this week come on down!”
And before you know it the horse and cow are jamming in harmony with their guitar and bass.
Lastly the chicken calls and asks for drum lessons, to where he is accepted with open arms.
They are now all jamming in the barn and having a blast.
A few days later, a record producer coincidentally walks through town and sees the horse, cow, and the chicken making music.
He instantly knows he has to make them famous and offers them a deal.
Now the horse, cow, and chicken are famous, worldwide rock stars making millions of dollars and even moved off the farm to a luxurious estate.
With the fortune came fame and life were great.
One day, on the way to tour before boarding the plane, the horse gets a phone call, his mom is sick!
The cow and the chicken say “don’t worry we’ll go without you, catch up and the tour will continue it’ll be fine”
So the horse goes to check on his mother. It turns out it was a false alarm, but the plane crashes and the cow and chicken die.
The horse is devastated, the money power and fame are gone, the music is in the past, and he is back to the barn, but alone without his friends.
In agony and desperation after such a long journey, he decides to get a drink.
He walks into the bar and the bartender asks: “Why the long face?”
Two men are having slow round of golf
Two old guys were sitting on a park bench
10.
A farmer has three daughters that are all going on their first dates…
The farmer decides to greet the suitors at the door with his shot gun.
Around 5 the first boy arrives and rings the doorbell. “My names Joe, I’m here for flo, we’re going to the show, is she ready to go?”
The farmer thought he was alright, so off they went to their date.
Shortly after the second boy arrives. He rings the doorbell and the farmer answers.
“My names Heddy, I’m here for Betty, we’re going for spaghetti, is she ready?”
The farmer once again decided the boy was ok, so off the kids went.
Finally, the last boy arrives. The farmer goes to the door. “My names Chuck…”
The farmer shot him.
A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City
A king was fed up by the constant jokes about the men in his kingdom
A farmer has three daughters that are all going on their first dates…
The farmer decides to greet the suitors at the door with his shot gun.
Around 5 the first boy arrives and rings the doorbell. “My names Joe, I’m here for flo, we’re going to the show, is she ready to go?”
The farmer thought he was alright, so off they went to their date.
Shortly after the second boy arrives. He rings the doorbell and the farmer answers.
“My names Heddy, I’m here for Betty, we’re going for spaghetti, is she ready?”
The farmer once again decided the boy was ok, so off the kids went.
Finally, the last boy arrives. The farmer goes to the door. “My names Chuck…”
The farmer shot him.
A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City
A king was fed up by the constant jokes about the men in his kingdom
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11.
Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment.
“I’m sorry,” said the receptionist,
“we can’t fit you in for at least two weeks.”
“But I could be dead by then!”
“No problem. If your wife lets us know, we’ll cancel the appointment.”
Patient: “Nurse, I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.”
Nurse: “Have you seen a doctor?”
Patient: “No, just spots.”
Question: Does an apple a day keep the doctor away?
Answer: Only if you aim it well enough.
What is Celibacy
The little girls answer shocks the teacher
Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment.
“I’m sorry,” said the receptionist,
“we can’t fit you in for at least two weeks.”
“But I could be dead by then!”
“No problem. If your wife lets us know, we’ll cancel the appointment.”
Patient: “Nurse, I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.”
Nurse: “Have you seen a doctor?”
Patient: “No, just spots.”
Question: Does an apple a day keep the doctor away?
Answer: Only if you aim it well enough.
What is Celibacy
The little girls answer shocks the teacher
12.
A Polish man had married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada for a year or so and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on well.
One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange for a divorce for him….”very quick!!!”
The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked these questions:
Lawyer; “Have you any grounds?!”
Polish man; “An acre and a half and a nice 3 bedroom house!!”
Lawyer; “No, I mean what is the foundation of the case?!”
Polish man; “It is made of concrete, bricks and mortar!!”
Lawyer; “Does either of you have a real grudge?!”
Polish man; “No, we have a carport don’t need a grudge!!”
Lawyer; “I mean, what are your relations like?!”
Polish man; “All my relations live in Poland!!”
Lawyer; “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?!”
Polish man; “Yes we have hi-fidelity stereo set and DVD player with 6.1 surround sound!!”
Lawyer; “No, I mean does your wife beat you up?!”
Polish man; “No, I’m always up before her!!”
Lawyer; “why do you want this divorce?!”
Polish man; “She is going to kill me!!!!”
Lawyer; “What makes you think that?!”
Polish man; “I got proof!!”
Lawyer; “What kind of proof?!”
Polish man; “She going to poison me. She buy bottle at drug store and I read label.
The red dressed guy
The crate of chicken’s
A Polish man had married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada for a year or so and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on well.
One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange for a divorce for him….”very quick!!!”
The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked these questions:
Lawyer; “Have you any grounds?!”
Polish man; “An acre and a half and a nice 3 bedroom house!!”
Lawyer; “No, I mean what is the foundation of the case?!”
Polish man; “It is made of concrete, bricks and mortar!!”
Lawyer; “Does either of you have a real grudge?!”
Polish man; “No, we have a carport don’t need a grudge!!”
Lawyer; “I mean, what are your relations like?!”
Polish man; “All my relations live in Poland!!”
Lawyer; “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?!”
Polish man; “Yes we have hi-fidelity stereo set and DVD player with 6.1 surround sound!!”
Lawyer; “No, I mean does your wife beat you up?!”
Polish man; “No, I’m always up before her!!”
Lawyer; “why do you want this divorce?!”
Polish man; “She is going to kill me!!!!”
Lawyer; “What makes you think that?!”
Polish man; “I got proof!!”
Lawyer; “What kind of proof?!”
Polish man; “She going to poison me. She buy bottle at drug store and I read label.
The red dressed guy
The crate of chicken’s
13.
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
You turn off the lights for economical reasons, not romantic ones.
You read the obituaries to find eligible women.
Old ladies offer to help you cross the street.
Everything hurts and what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work.
The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
A beautiful girl walks by and nothing happens.
You have all the answers but nobody is asking you the questions.
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
All the names in your little black book end with MD.
A man asks in a formal tone
Two elderly ladies were enjoying
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
You turn off the lights for economical reasons, not romantic ones.
You read the obituaries to find eligible women.
Old ladies offer to help you cross the street.
Everything hurts and what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work.
The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
A beautiful girl walks by and nothing happens.
You have all the answers but nobody is asking you the questions.
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
All the names in your little black book end with MD.
A man asks in a formal tone
Two elderly ladies were enjoying
14.
The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical,
so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.
“Well, to tell you the truth, Doc, yes,” answered the patient.
“You see, I seem to be getting forgetful.
I’m never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I’m going, or what it is I’m going to do once I get there if I get there.
So, I really need your help. What can I do?”
The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, “Pay me in advance.”
He rubs it and a genie emerges
Two boys playing by a stream
The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical,
so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.
“Well, to tell you the truth, Doc, yes,” answered the patient.
“You see, I seem to be getting forgetful.
I’m never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I’m going, or what it is I’m going to do once I get there if I get there.
So, I really need your help. What can I do?”
The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, “Pay me in advance.”
He rubs it and a genie emerges
Two boys playing by a stream
15.
A guy is due to meet his friends for drink at a bar but arrives late.
When he does eventually turn up his friends ask why he is late.
The guy says, “Well, you won’t believe what just happened.
I was walking my usual route via the rail tracks when suddenly
I saw a young, undressed woman tied up next to the tracks.
Of course I untied her and we had making love because I freed her.”
The friends are cheering and one friend asks,
“So… did you get any head?”
The guy replies, “No, I couldn’t find it
A man walks into a pharmacy
Teacher asks what is love
A guy is due to meet his friends for drink at a bar but arrives late.
When he does eventually turn up his friends ask why he is late.
The guy says, “Well, you won’t believe what just happened.
I was walking my usual route via the rail tracks when suddenly
I saw a young, undressed woman tied up next to the tracks.
Of course I untied her and we had making love because I freed her.”
The friends are cheering and one friend asks,
“So… did you get any head?”
The guy replies, “No, I couldn’t find it
A man walks into a pharmacy
Teacher asks what is love
16.
A ventriloquist was performing at a club.
With his dummy on his knee,he begins his routine with a series of dumb blonde jokes
Suddenly,a blonde stands up and starts shouting,”I’ve heard enough of these dumb blonde jokes!
What makes you think you can stereotype women like that?
What does the color of a woman’s hair have to do with there worth as a human being?
I AM SO SICK OF DUMB BLONDE JOKES.”
Embarrassed,the ventriloquist begins to apologise but the blonde stops him and says,
”You stay out of this mister!I’m talking to that little shit sitting on your knee.”
A man sat in the confession booth in church
A plane crashes
A ventriloquist was performing at a club.
With his dummy on his knee,he begins his routine with a series of dumb blonde jokes
Suddenly,a blonde stands up and starts shouting,”I’ve heard enough of these dumb blonde jokes!
What makes you think you can stereotype women like that?
What does the color of a woman’s hair have to do with there worth as a human being?
I AM SO SICK OF DUMB BLONDE JOKES.”
Embarrassed,the ventriloquist begins to apologise but the blonde stops him and says,
”You stay out of this mister!I’m talking to that little shit sitting on your knee.”
A man sat in the confession booth in church
A plane crashes
17.
A blond man entered the emergency room with his two ears burned.
“What happened?” asked the doctor.
“Well”, the man explained, “my wife was press clothing, behind my chair while I was watching TV.
She put down the iron next to the phone and when the phone rang I answered the iron.”
“Wow that is terrible” responded the doctor, and what happened to your other ear?”
“Well” the blond guy responded “Right afterwards, the phone rang again!”
Mark was passing by the bar
A lady came in for a routine physical
A blond man entered the emergency room with his two ears burned.
“What happened?” asked the doctor.
“Well”, the man explained, “my wife was press clothing, behind my chair while I was watching TV.
She put down the iron next to the phone and when the phone rang I answered the iron.”
“Wow that is terrible” responded the doctor, and what happened to your other ear?”
“Well” the blond guy responded “Right afterwards, the phone rang again!”
Mark was passing by the bar
A lady came in for a routine physical
18.
who after examining him says, “You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay.”
So the doctor gives the man the tablets and the patient asks, “Do I have to take them every day?”
“No,” replies the doctor, “take one on Monday, skip Tuesday, take one on Wednesday, skip Thursday and go on like that.”
Two weeks later the doctor is walking down the street, and he sees the patient’s wife.
“Hello Mrs Murphy,” he says, “how’s your husband?”
“Oh he died of a heart attack,” says Mrs Murphy.
“I’m very sorry to hear that,” says the doctor, “I thought if he took those tablets he would be all right.”
“Oh the tablets were fine,” says Mrs Murphy, “It was all the bloody skipping that killed him!”
Two men were sitting in a pub drinking
A old Italian man goes to church for confession
who after examining him says, “You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay.”
So the doctor gives the man the tablets and the patient asks, “Do I have to take them every day?”
“No,” replies the doctor, “take one on Monday, skip Tuesday, take one on Wednesday, skip Thursday and go on like that.”
Two weeks later the doctor is walking down the street, and he sees the patient’s wife.
“Hello Mrs Murphy,” he says, “how’s your husband?”
“Oh he died of a heart attack,” says Mrs Murphy.
“I’m very sorry to hear that,” says the doctor, “I thought if he took those tablets he would be all right.”
“Oh the tablets were fine,” says Mrs Murphy, “It was all the bloody skipping that killed him!”
Two men were sitting in a pub drinking
A old Italian man goes to church for confession
19.
Little Johnny had to take care of his baby sister while his mum and dad went shopping.
To pass the time he decided to go fishing and reluctantly took his little sister along.
“I’ll never do that again”, Little Johnny said to his mum, “I didn’t catch a thing”!
His mum said “Oh, next time I’m sure your little sister will be quiet and not frighten the fish away”.
Little Johnny said, “It wasn’t that. She ate all the bang bait.”
A elderly gentleman was on his deathbed
A family are driving in their car
Little Johnny had to take care of his baby sister while his mum and dad went shopping.
To pass the time he decided to go fishing and reluctantly took his little sister along.
“I’ll never do that again”, Little Johnny said to his mum, “I didn’t catch a thing”!
His mum said “Oh, next time I’m sure your little sister will be quiet and not frighten the fish away”.
Little Johnny said, “It wasn’t that. She ate all the bang bait.”
A elderly gentleman was on his deathbed
A family are driving in their car
20.
A Girl Scout troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a young couple was engaged in lovemaking.
“Back ladies, back!” cried the leader.
“There’s a very dangerous beast out there!”
But it was too late, as several of her girls had more-or-less seen the deed happening.
They asked their leader what it was the couple was doing.
“Well, err… if you must know, uh, they were practicing a brand new form of artificial respiration… yeah, that’s it, it’s artificial respiration!”
“Wow!” exclaimed the oldest of the group.
“I know which merit badge I’m gonna try for next!”
A Irish man went to the courthouse
A man comes home
A Girl Scout troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a young couple was engaged in lovemaking.
“Back ladies, back!” cried the leader.
“There’s a very dangerous beast out there!”
But it was too late, as several of her girls had more-or-less seen the deed happening.
They asked their leader what it was the couple was doing.
“Well, err… if you must know, uh, they were practicing a brand new form of artificial respiration… yeah, that’s it, it’s artificial respiration!”
“Wow!” exclaimed the oldest of the group.
“I know which merit badge I’m gonna try for next!”
A Irish man went to the courthouse
A man comes home
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21.
Two lawyers met at a cocktail party late one night.
“How’s business?” asked the first.
“Rotten,” replied the other.
“Yesterday, I chased an ambulance for twenty miles. When I finally caught up to it, there were already two other lawyer hanging on to the bumper.”
She walks straight to the manager and asks
A man is stranded on a desert island
Two lawyers met at a cocktail party late one night.
“How’s business?” asked the first.
“Rotten,” replied the other.
“Yesterday, I chased an ambulance for twenty miles. When I finally caught up to it, there were already two other lawyer hanging on to the bumper.”
She walks straight to the manager and asks
A man is stranded on a desert island
22.
An old owl was perched on a tree on top of a hill one very cold night.
He looked down in the valley and saw a light in a window so he decided to fly down to the window ledge in hopes there was some warmth escaping.
Well sure enough it was warm, so he fell fast asleep.
He didn’t know that there were two veterinary students inside studying for final exams.
The two veterinary students spotted the owl and decided to use him as practice.
They eased the window open and gassed him.
The first student looked down the owls throat and said he has tonsillitis, so he operated.
The other looked at his butt and announced that the owl had hemorrhoids, so he operated.
They placed the owl back out on the ledge.
The owl woke up very groggy and flew away.
The next winter that same owl was perched on the same tree on a very cold night.
A young owl landed next to him and said brrrr it sure is cold out tonight.
The old owl agreed.
The young owl noticed there was a light down in the valley and suggested they both fly down there to the window ledge and maybe find some escaping heat.
The old owl replied “no way”, last year I did the same thing, passed out, woke up drunk and for the next six weeks I couldn’t sh!t worth a hoot or hoot worth a sh!t.
Joe was sitting at a bar
A alabama sheriff went fishing
An old owl was perched on a tree on top of a hill one very cold night.
He looked down in the valley and saw a light in a window so he decided to fly down to the window ledge in hopes there was some warmth escaping.
Well sure enough it was warm, so he fell fast asleep.
He didn’t know that there were two veterinary students inside studying for final exams.
The two veterinary students spotted the owl and decided to use him as practice.
They eased the window open and gassed him.
The first student looked down the owls throat and said he has tonsillitis, so he operated.
The other looked at his butt and announced that the owl had hemorrhoids, so he operated.
They placed the owl back out on the ledge.
The owl woke up very groggy and flew away.
The next winter that same owl was perched on the same tree on a very cold night.
A young owl landed next to him and said brrrr it sure is cold out tonight.
The old owl agreed.
The young owl noticed there was a light down in the valley and suggested they both fly down there to the window ledge and maybe find some escaping heat.
The old owl replied “no way”, last year I did the same thing, passed out, woke up drunk and for the next six weeks I couldn’t sh!t worth a hoot or hoot worth a sh!t.
Joe was sitting at a bar
A alabama sheriff went fishing
23.
A man lives in a high rise on the 15th floor.
Every morning, on the way to work, he takes the elevator all the way down to the 1st floor.
But when he comes home, he takes the elevator to the 8th floor and walks the rest of the way up.
The only exception is when it’s raining. Why?
The man’s a midget, and can’t reach the buttons.
When it’s raining, he has his umbrella with him, so he can reach the 15 button with it.
Two men were hunting in the woods
A police officer asks a thief
A man lives in a high rise on the 15th floor.
Every morning, on the way to work, he takes the elevator all the way down to the 1st floor.
But when he comes home, he takes the elevator to the 8th floor and walks the rest of the way up.
The only exception is when it’s raining. Why?
The man’s a midget, and can’t reach the buttons.
When it’s raining, he has his umbrella with him, so he can reach the 15 button with it.
Two men were hunting in the woods
A police officer asks a thief
24.
On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it,
Susan was asked to give her friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
“Tell us Susan, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your husband?”
Susan responds,
“Well, I’ve learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness and a great many other qualities you wouldn’t have needed if you’d stayed single.”
Two turtles walk into a bar
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink
On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it,
Susan was asked to give her friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
“Tell us Susan, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your husband?”
Susan responds,
“Well, I’ve learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness and a great many other qualities you wouldn’t have needed if you’d stayed single.”
Two turtles walk into a bar
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink
25.
Getting late for a meeting, need to run’, he said, as he slung his coat over the shoulder, and bounded out of the house.
As he drove away, she came running down the stairs two at a time.
‘Wait, wait’, she said, but he had already left.
Her mouth crumpled like used wrapping paper.
‘He forgot to give me a goodbye kiss’, she whispered in a voice that trembled under the weight of her hurt.
She called him, ‘you left without giving me a kiss’, she said accusingly.
‘I am sorry sweetheart’, he said, his voice contrite.
‘It is okay’, she said, trying to be all grown up as she cut the call.
She gulped down her breakfast morosely, wore her shoes, picked up her school bag and started to walk out of the door, her shoulders slumped.
As she climbed down the steps, the car glided to a stop outside the house.
He got out of the car she ran to him, her whole face lit up like a Christmas tree.
‘I am sorry I forgot’, he said, as he picked her up and hugged her.
She said nothing her jaw ached from smiling.
Fifteen years later, no one would remember he was late for a meeting, but a little girl would never ever forget that her father drove all the way back home just to kiss her goodbye!
Do not miss out on the precious moments, priceless life experiences of the time spent with your child.
Create beautiful life experiences you will make a world of difference in their lives.
They need your time and attention more than anything else give it to them.
Little Johnny was sitting in class
One day a farmer’s donkey fell down
Getting late for a meeting, need to run’, he said, as he slung his coat over the shoulder, and bounded out of the house.
As he drove away, she came running down the stairs two at a time.
‘Wait, wait’, she said, but he had already left.
Her mouth crumpled like used wrapping paper.
‘He forgot to give me a goodbye kiss’, she whispered in a voice that trembled under the weight of her hurt.
She called him, ‘you left without giving me a kiss’, she said accusingly.
‘I am sorry sweetheart’, he said, his voice contrite.
‘It is okay’, she said, trying to be all grown up as she cut the call.
She gulped down her breakfast morosely, wore her shoes, picked up her school bag and started to walk out of the door, her shoulders slumped.
As she climbed down the steps, the car glided to a stop outside the house.
He got out of the car she ran to him, her whole face lit up like a Christmas tree.
‘I am sorry I forgot’, he said, as he picked her up and hugged her.
She said nothing her jaw ached from smiling.
Fifteen years later, no one would remember he was late for a meeting, but a little girl would never ever forget that her father drove all the way back home just to kiss her goodbye!
Do not miss out on the precious moments, priceless life experiences of the time spent with your child.
Create beautiful life experiences you will make a world of difference in their lives.
They need your time and attention more than anything else give it to them.
Little Johnny was sitting in class
One day a farmer’s donkey fell down
26.
There once was an elderly man who sold flowers in a small town and did quite well for himself.
Across the street some monks opened a flower shop as well and gave all their profits to charity and under priced the man.
The man had to do something or lose his business so at first he begged.
But nothing he tried got them to leave.
He then hired a man named Hugh who promised to solve his problem.
The next morning the monks were packing up and moving away.
Moral of the story is: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
The junior executive had been complaining
Two men were waiting at a bus stop
There once was an elderly man who sold flowers in a small town and did quite well for himself.
Across the street some monks opened a flower shop as well and gave all their profits to charity and under priced the man.
The man had to do something or lose his business so at first he begged.
But nothing he tried got them to leave.
He then hired a man named Hugh who promised to solve his problem.
The next morning the monks were packing up and moving away.
Moral of the story is: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
The junior executive had been complaining
Two men were waiting at a bus stop
27.
A business man packing for a trip glances in his briefcase.
“Honey?”
“Yes, darling?”
“Honey,” he says, in mild exasperation, “why do you persist in putting a protection in my briefcase every time I go on a trip?
You know I only have eyes for you. I’d never be unfaithful.”
“Oh, I know, darling, and I trust you,”
She replies sweetly, “It’s just that, well you know, with all those terrible diseases out there, it would make me feel better to know that if anything did happen, you’d be protected.
So please, darling, take it with you, won’t you? For my peace of mind?”
“Oh, alright, if you put it that way,” he relented, “I’ll take it along. But for safety’s sake, better give me more than one!”
A married man decided to work late
A farmer who had a herd of pigs
A business man packing for a trip glances in his briefcase.
“Honey?”
“Yes, darling?”
“Honey,” he says, in mild exasperation, “why do you persist in putting a protection in my briefcase every time I go on a trip?
You know I only have eyes for you. I’d never be unfaithful.”
“Oh, I know, darling, and I trust you,”
She replies sweetly, “It’s just that, well you know, with all those terrible diseases out there, it would make me feel better to know that if anything did happen, you’d be protected.
So please, darling, take it with you, won’t you? For my peace of mind?”
“Oh, alright, if you put it that way,” he relented, “I’ll take it along. But for safety’s sake, better give me more than one!”
A married man decided to work late
A farmer who had a herd of pigs
28.
There are 4 guys standing on a bridge.
A chinese guy, russian guy, mexican guy, and an american guy.
The chinese threw off noodles.
They all asked, why did you do that? the chinese said, because we have to much of that in china.
The russian guy throws off vodka.
They asked why did you do that? he replies, we have to much of that in russia.
The mexican guy throws off a taco.
They asked why did you do that? he says, because we have to much of that in mexico.
The american…picks up the mexican, and throws him.
They all asked WHY DID YOU DO THAT!
The american replies, oh because we have tooooo many of “those” in america
Two boys go into a forest
A little girl that didn’t know
There are 4 guys standing on a bridge.
A chinese guy, russian guy, mexican guy, and an american guy.
The chinese threw off noodles.
They all asked, why did you do that? the chinese said, because we have to much of that in china.
The russian guy throws off vodka.
They asked why did you do that? he replies, we have to much of that in russia.
The mexican guy throws off a taco.
They asked why did you do that? he says, because we have to much of that in mexico.
The american…picks up the mexican, and throws him.
They all asked WHY DID YOU DO THAT!
The american replies, oh because we have tooooo many of “those” in america
Two boys go into a forest
A little girl that didn’t know
29.
A girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard.
She asked him, “Daddy, what is make love?”
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.
He proceeded to tell her all about the “birds and the bees.”
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.
The father asked her, “Why did you ask this question?”
The little girl replied, “Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs.”
A little girl asked her mother
Joe and Wanda had a small apartment
A girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard.
She asked him, “Daddy, what is make love?”
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.
He proceeded to tell her all about the “birds and the bees.”
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.
The father asked her, “Why did you ask this question?”
The little girl replied, “Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs.”
A little girl asked her mother
Joe and Wanda had a small apartment
30.
They are seated and after browsing the menu they both decide to order the soup of the day.
When the waiter brings their soup the man knocks his spoon on the floor.
“Whoops,” he says and turns to the waiter, “I’m terribly sorry but could I have another.”
The waiter whips a fresh spoon out of his top pocket.
“Here you are, Sir.” Says the waiter, handing him the spoon.
“Oh, thank you,” says the man a little surprised.
The couple tuck into their soups, chit chatting about the wonderful service and how delicious the soup is.
The man glances around the restaurant and notices all the waiters have a spoon sticking out of their top pockets curious about the spoons he beckons the waiter back over.
“Is everything to your liking, Sir?” asks the waiter.
“Oh, yes, it’s wonderful, thank you, I was just curious as to why all the waiters are carrying a spoon in each of their top pockets.”
“Very observant, Sir. Statistically spoons are the most dropped utensil so to save time we all carry a spoon in our pockets.”
“That’s very clever, thank you.”
The waiter returns to the kitchen and the man turns back to his soup.
After a few more sips he is looking around the room again and notices the all the waiters have a short piece of string hanging out of the fly on their trousers.
He gestures again for the waiter who returns to the table.
“Anything I can do for you, Sir?”
“Just another question, if you don’t mind,” says the man with genuine curiosity.
“I notice all the waiters have a piece of string hanging out of their fly, what is the reason behind that?”
“Well, Sir, to be perfectly honest the string is tied to the tool so when we go to the bathroom one can just pull it out with the string and eliminate the need to wash ones hands, thus saving more time.”
“Interesting,” says the man.
A look of slight confusion crosses his face and he adds, “But what about when you need to put it away?”
“Well, Sir,” says the waiter, leaning in conspiratorially,
“Personally I use the spoon.”
A woman came home from work late
A young guy and a young girl fell in love
They are seated and after browsing the menu they both decide to order the soup of the day.
When the waiter brings their soup the man knocks his spoon on the floor.
“Whoops,” he says and turns to the waiter, “I’m terribly sorry but could I have another.”
The waiter whips a fresh spoon out of his top pocket.
“Here you are, Sir.” Says the waiter, handing him the spoon.
“Oh, thank you,” says the man a little surprised.
The couple tuck into their soups, chit chatting about the wonderful service and how delicious the soup is.
The man glances around the restaurant and notices all the waiters have a spoon sticking out of their top pockets curious about the spoons he beckons the waiter back over.
“Is everything to your liking, Sir?” asks the waiter.
“Oh, yes, it’s wonderful, thank you, I was just curious as to why all the waiters are carrying a spoon in each of their top pockets.”
“Very observant, Sir. Statistically spoons are the most dropped utensil so to save time we all carry a spoon in our pockets.”
“That’s very clever, thank you.”
The waiter returns to the kitchen and the man turns back to his soup.
After a few more sips he is looking around the room again and notices the all the waiters have a short piece of string hanging out of the fly on their trousers.
He gestures again for the waiter who returns to the table.
“Anything I can do for you, Sir?”
“Just another question, if you don’t mind,” says the man with genuine curiosity.
“I notice all the waiters have a piece of string hanging out of their fly, what is the reason behind that?”
“Well, Sir, to be perfectly honest the string is tied to the tool so when we go to the bathroom one can just pull it out with the string and eliminate the need to wash ones hands, thus saving more time.”
“Interesting,” says the man.
A look of slight confusion crosses his face and he adds, “But what about when you need to put it away?”
“Well, Sir,” says the waiter, leaning in conspiratorially,
“Personally I use the spoon.”
A woman came home from work late
A young guy and a young girl fell in love
Tags:
eng jokes