1.
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife, “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes!
He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck.
If he wants make love, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is probably very dangerous.
If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”
His wife responds, “He wasn’t kissing my neck.
He was whispering in my ear.
He told me he was queer, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!”
Dylan was practicing his golf swing
A affair with his secretary
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife, “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes!
He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck.
If he wants make love, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is probably very dangerous.
If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”
His wife responds, “He wasn’t kissing my neck.
He was whispering in my ear.
He told me he was queer, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!”
Dylan was practicing his golf swing
A affair with his secretary
2.
An elderly man went to a doctor with multiple complaints.
“I see spots before my eyes,” he said.
“It’s due to old age,” said the doctor.
“No food agrees with me,” said the man.
“That too is due to old age,” said the doctor.
“The digestive system becomes weaker as we grow older.”
“My back is giving trouble,” persisted the man.
“Sometimes the pain becomes unbearable.”
“Old age,” said the doctor.
This was too much for the man.
“Why do you go on saying ‘old age, old age’,” he screamed.
“If you cannot cure me, say so. I’ll go elsewhere.”
“See how easily you lost you temper,” said the doctor.
“That is another characteristic of old age.”
At last, old man slaps him, doctor asks,
“Why did you slap me?”
Old man said
“This is also due to old age, you see.”
Two men were waiting at a bus stop
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop
An elderly man went to a doctor with multiple complaints.
“I see spots before my eyes,” he said.
“It’s due to old age,” said the doctor.
“No food agrees with me,” said the man.
“That too is due to old age,” said the doctor.
“The digestive system becomes weaker as we grow older.”
“My back is giving trouble,” persisted the man.
“Sometimes the pain becomes unbearable.”
“Old age,” said the doctor.
This was too much for the man.
“Why do you go on saying ‘old age, old age’,” he screamed.
“If you cannot cure me, say so. I’ll go elsewhere.”
“See how easily you lost you temper,” said the doctor.
“That is another characteristic of old age.”
At last, old man slaps him, doctor asks,
“Why did you slap me?”
Old man said
“This is also due to old age, you see.”
Two men were waiting at a bus stop
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop
3.
Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good
Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a freaking cat!”
Darryl and Harold were the best patients
During camouflage training
Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good
Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a freaking cat!”
Darryl and Harold were the best patients
During camouflage training
4.
A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient.
“I’m diabetic and I’m afraid I’ve had too much sugar today.” the caller said.
“Are you light-headed?” my colleague asked.
“No,” the caller answered, “I’m a brunette.”
A man walks into a bar and says
A lady walks into the drug store
A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient.
“I’m diabetic and I’m afraid I’ve had too much sugar today.” the caller said.
“Are you light-headed?” my colleague asked.
“No,” the caller answered, “I’m a brunette.”
A man walks into a bar and says
A lady walks into the drug store
5.
A young lawyer was defending a wealthy businessman in a complicated lawsuit.
Unfortunately, the evidence was against his client, and he feared the worst.
So the lawyer asked the senior partner of the law firm if it would be appropriate to send the judge a box of Havana cigars as bribe.
The partner was horrified.
“The judge is an honorable man,” the partner exclaimed.
“If you do that, I can guarantee you will lose the case!”
Weeks later the judge ruled in favor of the lawyer’s client.
The partner took him to lunch to congratulate him.
“Aren’t you glad you didn’t send those cigars to the judge?”,
The partner asked. “But I did send them,…”
Replied the lawyer and continued,…
“I just enclosed the complainant’s lawyer’s business card.!”
A teacher told her young class
A guy dials his home and a strange woman
A young lawyer was defending a wealthy businessman in a complicated lawsuit.
Unfortunately, the evidence was against his client, and he feared the worst.
So the lawyer asked the senior partner of the law firm if it would be appropriate to send the judge a box of Havana cigars as bribe.
The partner was horrified.
“The judge is an honorable man,” the partner exclaimed.
“If you do that, I can guarantee you will lose the case!”
Weeks later the judge ruled in favor of the lawyer’s client.
The partner took him to lunch to congratulate him.
“Aren’t you glad you didn’t send those cigars to the judge?”,
The partner asked. “But I did send them,…”
Replied the lawyer and continued,…
“I just enclosed the complainant’s lawyer’s business card.!”
A teacher told her young class
A guy dials his home and a strange woman
6.
On Christmas Eve, the king invited the prime minister to join him for their usual walk together
He enjoyed seeing the decorations in the streets, but since he didn’t want his subjects to spend too much money on these just to please him.
The two men always disguised themselves as traders from some far distant land.
They walked through the center of the city, admiring the lights, the Christmas trees, the candles burning on the steps of the houses, the stalls selling gifts, and the men, women and children hurrying off to celebrate a family Christmas around a table laden with food.
On the way back, they passed through a poorer area, where the atmosphere was quite different.
There were no lights, no candles, no delicious smells of food about to be served there was hardly a soul in the street, and, as he did every year, the king remarked to the prime minister that he really must pay more attention to the poor in his kingdom.
The prime minister nodded, knowing that the matter would soon be forgotten again, buried beneath the day-to-day bureaucracy of budgets to be approved and discussions with foreign dignitaries.
Suddenly, they heard music coming from one of the poorest houses.
The hut was so ramshackle and the rotten wooden timbers so full of cracks, that they were able to peer through and see what was happening inside.
And what they saw was utterly absurd: an old man in a wheelchair apparently crying, a shaven-headed young woman dancing, and a young man with sad eyes shaking a tambourine and singing a folk song.
‘I’m going to find out what they’re up to,’ said the king.
He knocked the music stopped, and the young man came to the door.
‘We are merchants in search of a place to sleep we heard the music, saw that you were still awake, and wondered if we could spend the night here.’
‘You can find shelter in a hotel in the city we, alas, cannot help you despite the music, this house is full of sadness and suffering.’
‘And may we know why?’
‘It’s all because of me.’ It was the old man in the wheelchair who spoke.
‘I’ve spent my life teaching my son calligraphy, so that he could one day get a job as a palace scribe.
But the years have passed and no post has ever come up and then, last night, I had a stupid dream: an angel appeared to me and asked me to buy a silver goblet because, the angel said, the king would be coming to visit me.
He would drink from the goblet and give my son a job.
A old Man walked into the bank
Two Irishmen Are Lost At Sea
On Christmas Eve, the king invited the prime minister to join him for their usual walk together
He enjoyed seeing the decorations in the streets, but since he didn’t want his subjects to spend too much money on these just to please him.
The two men always disguised themselves as traders from some far distant land.
They walked through the center of the city, admiring the lights, the Christmas trees, the candles burning on the steps of the houses, the stalls selling gifts, and the men, women and children hurrying off to celebrate a family Christmas around a table laden with food.
On the way back, they passed through a poorer area, where the atmosphere was quite different.
There were no lights, no candles, no delicious smells of food about to be served there was hardly a soul in the street, and, as he did every year, the king remarked to the prime minister that he really must pay more attention to the poor in his kingdom.
The prime minister nodded, knowing that the matter would soon be forgotten again, buried beneath the day-to-day bureaucracy of budgets to be approved and discussions with foreign dignitaries.
Suddenly, they heard music coming from one of the poorest houses.
The hut was so ramshackle and the rotten wooden timbers so full of cracks, that they were able to peer through and see what was happening inside.
And what they saw was utterly absurd: an old man in a wheelchair apparently crying, a shaven-headed young woman dancing, and a young man with sad eyes shaking a tambourine and singing a folk song.
‘I’m going to find out what they’re up to,’ said the king.
He knocked the music stopped, and the young man came to the door.
‘We are merchants in search of a place to sleep we heard the music, saw that you were still awake, and wondered if we could spend the night here.’
‘You can find shelter in a hotel in the city we, alas, cannot help you despite the music, this house is full of sadness and suffering.’
‘And may we know why?’
‘It’s all because of me.’ It was the old man in the wheelchair who spoke.
‘I’ve spent my life teaching my son calligraphy, so that he could one day get a job as a palace scribe.
But the years have passed and no post has ever come up and then, last night, I had a stupid dream: an angel appeared to me and asked me to buy a silver goblet because, the angel said, the king would be coming to visit me.
He would drink from the goblet and give my son a job.
A old Man walked into the bank
Two Irishmen Are Lost At Sea
7.
One day, while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.
He’s inquiring about a particular petroleum jelly product to see how it’s being used, and by whom.
“Hello,” he starts, “I’m doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?”
“Yes. My husband and I use it during make love,” she answers.
The researcher is stunned by the blunt reply but quickly regains his composure.
“Um, er… I admire you for your honesty,” he continues.
“Can you tell me exactly how you use it?”
“Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can’t get in.”
Three Russian men are sitting in a jail
A boy is wandering in a hotel
One day, while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.
He’s inquiring about a particular petroleum jelly product to see how it’s being used, and by whom.
“Hello,” he starts, “I’m doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?”
“Yes. My husband and I use it during make love,” she answers.
The researcher is stunned by the blunt reply but quickly regains his composure.
“Um, er… I admire you for your honesty,” he continues.
“Can you tell me exactly how you use it?”
“Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can’t get in.”
Three Russian men are sitting in a jail
A boy is wandering in a hotel
8.
A guy walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
He said, “shingles.”
So she took down his name, address, and medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked him what he had.
He said, “shingles.”
So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.
A half-hour later, a nurse came in and asked him what he had.
He said, “shingles.”
She gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.
He said, “shingles.”
The doctor said, “Where?”
He said, “Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?”
Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher
A college professor of Psychology
A guy walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
He said, “shingles.”
So she took down his name, address, and medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked him what he had.
He said, “shingles.”
So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.
A half-hour later, a nurse came in and asked him what he had.
He said, “shingles.”
She gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.
He said, “shingles.”
The doctor said, “Where?”
He said, “Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?”
Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher
A college professor of Psychology
9.
A man meets a woman at a bar and asks her.
“Would you have lovemaking with me for 10 million dollars?”
Without skipping a beat she screams.
“Yes!”
The man then asks,
“What about for $20?”
She looks at him sideways and says,
“What do you think I am, a whore?”
The man says, “We’ve already established that you are, now we’re just negotiating.”
A woman went to see her psychiatrist
A doctor answers his phone
A man meets a woman at a bar and asks her.
“Would you have lovemaking with me for 10 million dollars?”
Without skipping a beat she screams.
“Yes!”
The man then asks,
“What about for $20?”
She looks at him sideways and says,
“What do you think I am, a whore?”
The man says, “We’ve already established that you are, now we’re just negotiating.”
A woman went to see her psychiatrist
A doctor answers his phone
10.
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
“It`s for my husband,” she tells the clerk.
“Did he tell you what gauge to get?” asked the clerk.
“Are you kidding?” she says.
“He doesn’t even know that I`m going to shoot him!”
Two old women were sitting on a bench
The doctor comes in and informs
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
“It`s for my husband,” she tells the clerk.
“Did he tell you what gauge to get?” asked the clerk.
“Are you kidding?” she says.
“He doesn’t even know that I`m going to shoot him!”
Two old women were sitting on a bench
The doctor comes in and informs
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11.
Today I went to the children’s daycare for my first day of work there.
When I walked in a kid asked if he could have an apple for snack time.
I responded yes and proceeded to prepare an apple for him.
To make sure to rid the apple of any harmful bacteria, I whipped out my nifty hand sanitizer because it kills 99.9% of bacteria.
When the kid took a bite it sure killed alright.
That poor kid’s parents were not happy.
That damn 0.1% of bacteria killed the poor kid
I paid a visit to an art gallery today
Mickey Mouse steps into lawyers office
Today I went to the children’s daycare for my first day of work there.
When I walked in a kid asked if he could have an apple for snack time.
I responded yes and proceeded to prepare an apple for him.
To make sure to rid the apple of any harmful bacteria, I whipped out my nifty hand sanitizer because it kills 99.9% of bacteria.
When the kid took a bite it sure killed alright.
That poor kid’s parents were not happy.
That damn 0.1% of bacteria killed the poor kid
I paid a visit to an art gallery today
Mickey Mouse steps into lawyers office
12.
It’s a beautiful warm day and a man and his wife are at the Zoo.
She’s wearing a cute loose-fitting, pink spring dress, Sleeveless with straps.
As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the beast goes crazy.
He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand and his feet, grunting and pounding his chest with his free hand.
The gorilla is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.The husband, noticing the excitement, proposes that his wife tease the poor fellow.
The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along.She does, and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall.
She does, and the gorilla is just about to tear the bars down.
“Now try lifting your dress up your thighs.” This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Suddenly, the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the cage door, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the door shut.
“Now, tell HIM you have a fekin headache!”
They all arrive at the Pearly Gates
Murphy drops some buttered toast
It’s a beautiful warm day and a man and his wife are at the Zoo.
She’s wearing a cute loose-fitting, pink spring dress, Sleeveless with straps.
As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the beast goes crazy.
He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand and his feet, grunting and pounding his chest with his free hand.
The gorilla is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.The husband, noticing the excitement, proposes that his wife tease the poor fellow.
The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along.She does, and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall.
She does, and the gorilla is just about to tear the bars down.
“Now try lifting your dress up your thighs.” This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Suddenly, the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the cage door, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the door shut.
“Now, tell HIM you have a fekin headache!”
They all arrive at the Pearly Gates
Murphy drops some buttered toast
13.
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle.
He has two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”
“Sand,” answered Juan.
The guard says, “We’ll just see about that.
Get off the bike.”
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart.
He empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens.
The guard asks, “What have you got?”
“Sand,” says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.
He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years.
Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
“Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something.
It’s driving me crazy.
It’s all I think about….. I can’t sleep.
Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?”
Juan sips his beer and says, “Bicycles.”
A blonde was driving down
The doctor says george everything looks great
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle.
He has two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”
“Sand,” answered Juan.
The guard says, “We’ll just see about that.
Get off the bike.”
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart.
He empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens.
The guard asks, “What have you got?”
“Sand,” says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.
He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years.
Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
“Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something.
It’s driving me crazy.
It’s all I think about….. I can’t sleep.
Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?”
Juan sips his beer and says, “Bicycles.”
A blonde was driving down
The doctor says george everything looks great
14.
A elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest,
“Father, I’m 80 years old, married, have four kids and eleven healthy grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them… twice.”
The priest said, “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?”
“Never Father… I’m Jewish.”
“So then, why are you telling me?”
“I’m telling everybody!”
A local bar was so sure that its barman
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake
A elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest,
“Father, I’m 80 years old, married, have four kids and eleven healthy grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them… twice.”
The priest said, “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?”
“Never Father… I’m Jewish.”
“So then, why are you telling me?”
“I’m telling everybody!”
A local bar was so sure that its barman
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake
15.
There is an overweight guy who is watching TV.
A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week.
So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it.
Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”
As soon as he sees her, she takes off running.
He tries to catch her, but is unable.
This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds.
After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week.
The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions.
The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her.
This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less.
Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program.
Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan.
Still he signs up.
The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, “If I catch you, you’re mine!”
The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.
This little guy sitting in a bar
A business man got on an elevator in a building
There is an overweight guy who is watching TV.
A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week.
So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it.
Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”
As soon as he sees her, she takes off running.
He tries to catch her, but is unable.
This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds.
After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week.
The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions.
The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her.
This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less.
Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program.
Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan.
Still he signs up.
The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, “If I catch you, you’re mine!”
The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.
This little guy sitting in a bar
A business man got on an elevator in a building
16.
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.
The wife asks, “Do you know her?”
“Yes,” sighs the husband, “she’s my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” says the wife. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
A wife found her husband standing over their baby
The new wife tells her husband
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.
The wife asks, “Do you know her?”
“Yes,” sighs the husband, “she’s my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” says the wife. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
A wife found her husband standing over their baby
The new wife tells her husband
17.
Two roosters fought for supremacy in the farmyard.
Finally one was vanquished and he went and hid himself in a corner of the hen-house.
The victor flew up to the roof of the barn and begin to crow,
“I’ve won, I’ve won!”
An eagle swooped down and carried him away and the rooster that had been defeated suddenly found himself unchallenged master of the farmyard.
Moral Of The Story: The enemy is often defeated by his own pride.
A guy driving a Yugo
The cruise ship was sinking
Two roosters fought for supremacy in the farmyard.
Finally one was vanquished and he went and hid himself in a corner of the hen-house.
The victor flew up to the roof of the barn and begin to crow,
“I’ve won, I’ve won!”
An eagle swooped down and carried him away and the rooster that had been defeated suddenly found himself unchallenged master of the farmyard.
Moral Of The Story: The enemy is often defeated by his own pride.
A guy driving a Yugo
The cruise ship was sinking
18.
An old french man moves to America and begins looking for a job.
He walks into a bakery to meet with the owner.
The owner is hesitant to hire him because his English is really poor, so he decides to try and find an excuse to not hire the man.
“Okay, I’ll hire you only if you can express to me the number 9 without using numerals or letters.”
And the old man says, in his thick accent,
“In France, we have a lot of trees. So tree plus tree plus tree equals nine.”
The owner, surprised, nonchalantly says
“Well, that was an easy one. Now I need you to express the number 99 with the same rules.”
The old man responds, “In France, we have a lot of trees and sometimes you see a lot of mud on the trees. So dirty tree, plus dirty tree, plus dirty tree, equals ninety-nine.”
The owner is impressed but worries that he’s actually going to have to hire the man.
“Okay, if you can answer this last question, you’re hired. Express the number 100 using the same rules.”
The old man replies “Well I have a doggy, and he no like dirty trees, so I take him for a walk and he goes to each of the trees and takes a tiny little sh!t right next to each one. Dirty tree and one turd, plus dirty tree and one turd, plus dirty tree and one turd, equals a hundred. So when do I start?”
A man was riding on a full bus
The husband is in the bathroom shaving
An old french man moves to America and begins looking for a job.
He walks into a bakery to meet with the owner.
The owner is hesitant to hire him because his English is really poor, so he decides to try and find an excuse to not hire the man.
“Okay, I’ll hire you only if you can express to me the number 9 without using numerals or letters.”
And the old man says, in his thick accent,
“In France, we have a lot of trees. So tree plus tree plus tree equals nine.”
The owner, surprised, nonchalantly says
“Well, that was an easy one. Now I need you to express the number 99 with the same rules.”
The old man responds, “In France, we have a lot of trees and sometimes you see a lot of mud on the trees. So dirty tree, plus dirty tree, plus dirty tree, equals ninety-nine.”
The owner is impressed but worries that he’s actually going to have to hire the man.
“Okay, if you can answer this last question, you’re hired. Express the number 100 using the same rules.”
The old man replies “Well I have a doggy, and he no like dirty trees, so I take him for a walk and he goes to each of the trees and takes a tiny little sh!t right next to each one. Dirty tree and one turd, plus dirty tree and one turd, plus dirty tree and one turd, equals a hundred. So when do I start?”
A man was riding on a full bus
The husband is in the bathroom shaving
19.
One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
“I’m sick of all these conferences.
I always say the same things over and over!”
The driver agrees: “You’re right.
As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don’t know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place.”
“That’s a great idea!” says Einstein. “Let’s switch places then!”
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won’t be able to respond.
So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question.
The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
“Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I’m going to let my driver reply to it for me.
Good news bad news
An Australian asks a travel agent
One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
“I’m sick of all these conferences.
I always say the same things over and over!”
The driver agrees: “You’re right.
As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don’t know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place.”
“That’s a great idea!” says Einstein. “Let’s switch places then!”
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won’t be able to respond.
So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question.
The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
“Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I’m going to let my driver reply to it for me.
Good news bad news
An Australian asks a travel agent
20.
My wife and I were reflecting on the past year, whilst dining at a restaurant.
I started to complain about something that hadn’t happened the way I wanted it to.
My wife focused her attention on a Christmas tree that someone put there.
I thought that she wasn’t interested in the conversation, so I changed the subject:
“This tree has a beautiful illumination”?, I said.
“Yes, but if you look carefully you can see one burnt light among dozens.
“It seems to me that instead of thinking of this year as dozens of enlightened blessings, you chose to look at the one light that did not glow”
A large bag of money
The cop says woman
My wife and I were reflecting on the past year, whilst dining at a restaurant.
I started to complain about something that hadn’t happened the way I wanted it to.
My wife focused her attention on a Christmas tree that someone put there.
I thought that she wasn’t interested in the conversation, so I changed the subject:
“This tree has a beautiful illumination”?, I said.
“Yes, but if you look carefully you can see one burnt light among dozens.
“It seems to me that instead of thinking of this year as dozens of enlightened blessings, you chose to look at the one light that did not glow”
A large bag of money
The cop says woman
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21.
A cab driver picked up a nun.
She got into the cab, and noticed that the VERY handsome cab driver wouldn’t stop staring at her.
She asked him why he was staring.
He replied: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”
She answered, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
“Well, let’s see what we can do about that: No. 1, you have to be single, and No. 2, you must be Catholic,” she responded.
The cab driver, very excited, said, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”
“OK,” the nun said. “Pull into the next alley.”
The nun fulfilled his fantasy with a kiss that would make a call girl blush.
But when they got back on the road, the cab driver started crying.
“My dear child,” said the nun, “Why are you crying?”
“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess; I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
The nun said, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a costume party.”
A young blonde with a coach ticket
A male patient was lying in bed
A cab driver picked up a nun.
She got into the cab, and noticed that the VERY handsome cab driver wouldn’t stop staring at her.
She asked him why he was staring.
He replied: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”
She answered, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
“Well, let’s see what we can do about that: No. 1, you have to be single, and No. 2, you must be Catholic,” she responded.
The cab driver, very excited, said, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”
“OK,” the nun said. “Pull into the next alley.”
The nun fulfilled his fantasy with a kiss that would make a call girl blush.
But when they got back on the road, the cab driver started crying.
“My dear child,” said the nun, “Why are you crying?”
“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess; I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
The nun said, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a costume party.”
A young blonde with a coach ticket
A male patient was lying in bed
22.
A husband and wife have four sons.
The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.
The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said,
“Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?”
The wife replied, “I swear on everything that’s holy that he is your son.”
With that, the husband passed away.
The wife muttered, “Thank God he didn’t ask about the other three.”
A man eating grass by the roadside
A married couple was in a terrible accident
A husband and wife have four sons.
The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.
The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said,
“Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?”
The wife replied, “I swear on everything that’s holy that he is your son.”
With that, the husband passed away.
The wife muttered, “Thank God he didn’t ask about the other three.”
A man eating grass by the roadside
A married couple was in a terrible accident
23.
A drunkard was brought to court.
Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery.
The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted,”Order! Order!”
The drunkard immediately responded, “Thank you, your honour, I’ll have a scotch and soda.”
A man calls the hospital
A elderly couple was driving across
A drunkard was brought to court.
Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery.
The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted,”Order! Order!”
The drunkard immediately responded, “Thank you, your honour, I’ll have a scotch and soda.”
A man calls the hospital
A elderly couple was driving across
24.
A blonde decides to make an experiment.
She gets a spider, and pulls of two legs and tells it to walk.
It walks a few steps, so she removes another two legs and asks it to walk.
It walks a few more steps, so she yanks off another two legs and tells it to walk.
It walks, so she removes the last two legs and tells it to walk.
Nothing happens, so she asks it again to walk.
It doesn’t move so she comes up with a conclusion.
Spiders with no legs are deaf.
A farmer walked into a bar
She goes to doctor
A blonde decides to make an experiment.
She gets a spider, and pulls of two legs and tells it to walk.
It walks a few steps, so she removes another two legs and asks it to walk.
It walks a few more steps, so she yanks off another two legs and tells it to walk.
It walks, so she removes the last two legs and tells it to walk.
Nothing happens, so she asks it again to walk.
It doesn’t move so she comes up with a conclusion.
Spiders with no legs are deaf.
A farmer walked into a bar
She goes to doctor
25.
A duck walks into a general store and asks the manager, “Got any fresh fruit?”
“No.”
“Got any fresh vegetables?”
“No We have only canned and dry goods.”
The next day, the duck returns
“Got any fresh fruit?”
“No.”
“Got any fresh vegetables?”
“No
I told you yesterday, we have only canned and dry goods.
If you come back tomorrow and ask me the same question, I’ll nail your flippers to the floor.”
On the third day, the duck walks in and asks, “Got any nails?”
“No.”
“Got any fresh fruit?”
A long day of golf with his golf buddies
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum
A duck walks into a general store and asks the manager, “Got any fresh fruit?”
“No.”
“Got any fresh vegetables?”
“No We have only canned and dry goods.”
The next day, the duck returns
“Got any fresh fruit?”
“No.”
“Got any fresh vegetables?”
“No
I told you yesterday, we have only canned and dry goods.
If you come back tomorrow and ask me the same question, I’ll nail your flippers to the floor.”
On the third day, the duck walks in and asks, “Got any nails?”
“No.”
“Got any fresh fruit?”
A long day of golf with his golf buddies
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum
26.
Rich, Dave and Johnny are three contractors who are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
Rich first takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
“Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run you about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”
Dave also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”
Johnny doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.”
The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”
Johnny whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the other guy to fix the fence for $700.”
A boy and his dad are walking through the park
A hideous little orc is in the kingdom’s capital
Rich, Dave and Johnny are three contractors who are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
Rich first takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
“Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run you about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”
Dave also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”
Johnny doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.”
The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”
Johnny whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the other guy to fix the fence for $700.”
A boy and his dad are walking through the park
A hideous little orc is in the kingdom’s capital
27.
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.
Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.
One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early.
She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband fooling around with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
“No way!” the blonde exclaimed. “I almost got caught yesterday!”
Three female fugitives escaping from jail
A blonde went to a flight school insisting
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.
Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.
One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early.
She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband fooling around with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
“No way!” the blonde exclaimed. “I almost got caught yesterday!”
Three female fugitives escaping from jail
A blonde went to a flight school insisting
28.
A high school recently was faced with a unique problem.
A number of the girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators.
A water bearer in India had two large pot
A shipwreck
A high school recently was faced with a unique problem.
A number of the girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators.
A water bearer in India had two large pot
A shipwreck
29.
On the first morning of the visit, John’s grandpa prepared a breakfast of bacon and eggs.
John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and asked, “Are these plates clean?”
His grandpa replied, “They’re as clean as cold water can get them just go ahead and finish your meal.”
For lunch, Grandpa made hamburgers.
Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have specks of dried egg on it.
“Are you sure these plates are clean?” he asked.
Without looking up, Grandpa said, “I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them!”
Later, as John was leaving, his grandpa’s dog started to growl and wouldn’t let him pass.
John said, “Grandpa, your dog won’t let me get by!”
Grandpa yelled to the dog, “Cold Water, go lie down!”
A son took his old father to a restaurant
A father watched his young daughter
On the first morning of the visit, John’s grandpa prepared a breakfast of bacon and eggs.
John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and asked, “Are these plates clean?”
His grandpa replied, “They’re as clean as cold water can get them just go ahead and finish your meal.”
For lunch, Grandpa made hamburgers.
Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have specks of dried egg on it.
“Are you sure these plates are clean?” he asked.
Without looking up, Grandpa said, “I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them!”
Later, as John was leaving, his grandpa’s dog started to growl and wouldn’t let him pass.
John said, “Grandpa, your dog won’t let me get by!”
Grandpa yelled to the dog, “Cold Water, go lie down!”
A son took his old father to a restaurant
A father watched his young daughter
30.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.
He only brought enough money for one beer though.
As he’s drinking his beer, which was quite expensive, he realizes how bad he has to go to the bathroom.
Not wanting anyone to drink his expensive beer, he takes out a card and writes on it, “I spit in this beer”, and walks to the bathroom.
When he comes back about 15 minutes later, there’s another card next to his beer saying, “I spit in it too.”
A woman is alone at home
Two women were comparing notes
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.
He only brought enough money for one beer though.
As he’s drinking his beer, which was quite expensive, he realizes how bad he has to go to the bathroom.
Not wanting anyone to drink his expensive beer, he takes out a card and writes on it, “I spit in this beer”, and walks to the bathroom.
When he comes back about 15 minutes later, there’s another card next to his beer saying, “I spit in it too.”
A woman is alone at home
Two women were comparing notes
Tags:
eng jokes